Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike EP 157 3/26/23

Episode Date: March 26, 2023

We talk about the big St Paddy's Day Show and dive into Kanye's sudden love for Jews, Congress’ hatred for Tik Tok, and a billionaire dumping his wife because she got dementia. Rick Allen, The drummer for Def Leppard was attacked and a principal in FLA is fired for allowing a class to see Michelangelo’s David. Make sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram  Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmons  Mike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime 

Well, it's Sunday morning again, reading a paper with the best of friends. Mike will come totally unprepared, and Greg will be mentally impaired. It's the Sunday... The orange hat is popping in front of the green. Real nice. Clapping in seven, six. Okay, and here goes the three, two, one. Read all about it. Read all about it.

From the ski slopes of Aspen, where Gwyneth Paltrow was in an accident, to the mean streets of Florida, where you're never going to believe what happened. No. I'm most excited. Spoiler, Kanye West is back on Instagram. Okay.

Big teaser. Kanye's back. And he came back in perfect form. Perfect. Yep. Yep. He nailed it. I followed him today on Instagram.

If you got a team of marketing people and screenwriters working around the clock to come up with a narrative for a human being to captivate the nation's attention, they couldn't beat what Kanye does himself. You and I have spent, between us, years, probably over 40 in writers' rooms. I am telling you that idea, what his tweet would have been, because it's not crazy over, it's not the crazy, like, it's perfect. Yep, it's specific. It's the perfect return to social media. Yep, he nails it. All right, we'll get to social media. Yep. He nails it. All right. We'll get to that later, but right now let's talk about the St. Patrick's Day show, which

was this past week. It went extremely well. We want to thank everybody that came out. Did we, we, we didn't talk about it yet, right? No, we did not talk about it early last week. Yeah. So we had a blast. Bill Burr came down and destroyed.

Dude, how cool was that? I'm sitting in the wings with you. I forget who was up. Oh, who was that? I'm forgetting her name. Laura Bites. God damn, is she funny. She's super funny, super unique.

She's great. She's, oh, I loved her. So while she's up, all of a sudden you're like you show me your phone you know we're trying we're we're in the room we're being quiet you're like bill just asked if it's you know he could still make it and he's like he'll be there in 20 i'm like that was the coolest thing yeah it was great he came in and he was very generous with his time uh hung out after the show we did a bunch of photos with uh zach galif Galifianakis came down, did not go on. Somehow I did not get in that photo shoot.

I think I was on stage. Yeah. Uh, so we got some cool photos. If you go to my Instagram, uh, by the way, got in the photo.

Can I just point out my Instagram is getting close to a hundred thousand and I would love it. If you guys have not, are not following me, get on Instagram right now and just follow it's my name Greg Fitzsimmons follow me up let's spike it up let's get it to a hundred thousand in the next month all right I have a wow I have a much more modest ask I'm hovering around three thousand how about getting me here's my goal thirty 3,500. There we go. You guys have your marching orders for this Sunday. At Gibbons Time.

G-I-B-B-O-N-S-T-I-M-E. And also follow Dennis Gubbins, D. Gubbs, who was on the show. Dennis came down. He did a multilayered bit of losing his accent. We'll talk about that later during Good News for Gubbins, but he did a great job. I remember my stepbrother, who you know well, and you used to put him up at plays when he would do stand-up.

Some of his people would come up to him after the show and just say, you are so brave. And I think Gubbins might have heard that a couple of times. By the way, it truly was like he really was. There was no net under it and he just walked a tightrope. Yep. He went for it. And yeah, people loved it. People loved it. What else happened at the show? We did the Irish soda bread challenge.

My friend, Laureen Tish, said that she she had the best Irish soda bread. And I said, no, no, no, no. My mother has a recipe that's been handed down for generations. And anybody that's ever eaten it has sworn it's the best thing. Not just soda bread. Best thing they've ever eaten. And so I challenged her. And we each bought two Irish soda breads.

And Bert, the guy in the kitchen at the improv, was so fucking sweet. He sliced it all up really small so that there was like 200 guy in the kitchen at the improv, was so fucking sweet. He sliced it all up really small so that, you know, there was like 200 people in the room. And every single person got a small piece of each soda bread on two different colored plates. And we had a challenge. And I bet her from the stage $100. Yep. And I fucking lost. I couldn't believe it.

I know. It was pretty decisive, too. Like, people felt strongly about her plate. Hers was a fucking scone. It was not a bread. Mine was fluffy and cakey. What a good loser. I didn't taste either of them, I'm sad to say.

I was on too much cocaine. Oh, yeah. You were doing a lot of coke that night. I know, man. Well, listen, it's fucking entertainment, man. I was on stage. Yeah, you did great, by the way. Holy shit, that bit. You know, you can be honest.

That was the word. Listen, I didn't do badly. I'm just being very objective. But first of all, funny little thing. Cubbins goes up before me. So one of my things is that whatever, I don't want to go in it, but he did kind of one of my approaches, turning his back on the audience and like thinking about what to do next out

loud. And I'm like, what the fuck? And I brought it up to him. I'm like, you know, you took the only thing I have, like which lowers the bar for me and does all that. And he's like, you should have gone up. You should have gone up before me like I asked you to. I'm like, that's not the response. The response is no.

Deny it. Like, I did something totally different. Or like, sorry. I don't know. Anyway. It was a fun night. You didn't close strong because you closed on a kind of a brand new idea, which wasn't well advised. And a true story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That didn't have an ending. You know, it's like, it's the discipline of knowing that you should close on something that you know will work. Oh, I know, I know. But the rest of the set up until that was fantastic. Yeah, no, it went all right. But I want to say one thing, though. It was so, like, literally heartwarming.

So after I did my sound loss, I went over, and your kids were very complimentary. But the fact that I then sat with your two children, and they were having the time. Like, they literally go, did you hear us laughing? That's how loud we were laughing. And they laughed. They were the best audience. They laughed so hardlan williams destroyed and anyway but the hardest they laughed was when bill burr and harlan williams both like

very good naturedly shit on you yeah yeah like oh look give it up for the paper boy with his fucking cap and you know and you know whatever it is and newsies. But they were just, and that's the, like, that just, it's just, I was witnessing two kids who have great senses of humor. These giants in comedy are shitting, and they're huge friends of yours, and they're shitting on you, and, you know, they know you're laughing harder than anybody. And, you know, Aaron was there. It was just such a good vibe i have to say that's nice to hear yeah i i really loved having them there and they showed up late and i told the audience that of course my kids are running late so i'll point them out when they come in and so they walked in

and they had to walk from one end of the showroom to the other because you guys were in the back corner and and i shit on them as they walk by uh but it's like you know erin only sees me once a year she only comes to see me do stand up once a year and it's the st patrick's day show so i always feel like i have to do new material so that i'm not she's not seeing the same shit she's already seen me do and uh and and i ended up hope we had a host gary cannon and he fucking canceled on the last minute. I love Gary. What happened with that? I love Gary. I think he was doing some corporate event in Irvine, making a ton of money, and he got stuck in traffic.

Well, my idea is, I've seen Gubbins. I think he's a great host. He gets to know the whole audience. I don't know. I'm going to pitch that. Yeah, maybe he hosts next year, because I ended up hosting, which I enjoy because I love the interaction. Like you said, like I love when people shit on me and I like bringing them up. And but. But, yeah, it was it was it was an amazing night.

It was so much fun. And I hope you guys come back next year. By the way, we should mention we are currently not in studio together. People are going to wonder about that. And the truth is, I'm just playing up the comments. We did it together for the first time last week, and it was a big hit. The YouTube comments were insane because we basically put it out to you guys and said said is this better that we're in person

and here's what people said you two together in the studio is killer thanks for being there Bach up says feels like hanging with old friends keep this format Mike is more engaged despite what he says Dino says I'm glad you two are doing an episode in the same room.

It's great. Trevor Minnick says, if this is too intimate, because I think Mike was having intimacy issues, maybe you guys should do the show from Mike's closet next week. Lots of laughs. Seriously enjoy both of you in studio. I mean, it goes on. There's like 100 comments and everybody's saying they love it.

People said, people, I don't know. I think it felt like the right thing to say. A lot of people said that we don't like step on each other, but I don't, I am highly aware convert phone conversations with my mom. It's a fucking disaster. I don't know if she's lost her timing and I'm not talking about jokes. She has a thing. I know't know if she's lost her timing, and I'm not talking about jokes. She has a thing.

I know I'm on a digression, but she has a thing where she sounds like she's finished a thought, and I then come in like a natural human being would, and she then continues. It's constantly that, and I don't remember it being that way, although we didn't talk a lot on the phone.

She never called me. I went to boarding school, So from 15, 18, that bitch never called me. Wow. That's crazy. How did we get here? Anyway, I think we don't step on each other a lot on Zoom. No, I don't think we do. But at the same time, being in the same room, the energy changes. And you're not here this week uh because you've got a big trip planned and you're busy at home but i think we should do it uh i did the lighting the lighting was horrible and so we we both looked uh about 10 years older than we really are yeah so i'm gonna pull the shades down and we're gonna do some soft lighting underneath us

you look good today though what's the difference It's because I'm wearing this great orange hat with the green background and a blue jacket. No, no, no. You were lit up. You were really white. Oh, I closed the shade. I closed the shade. Oh, thanks for doing that to me. It was a hard... Every mark on my face was visible. Also, we were shooting the sides of our faces. Well, that's what you do. I mean, what am I going to put a camera in front of my face and shoot you straight on? A little more.

You come up. I mean, look at us right now. Look how great. We're staring right at the viewer. Anyway, it's all about sound. Would you consider me cute or classically handsome? This is, I just thought about it. I also took an Adderall, so I'm thinking really fast today.

As soon as you said it, this is my gut reaction. We are at the age where we do not want to hear the word cute anymore. Right, right. Cute was great. Yes. Up through maybe even 40s. That's being generous. That's being generous. But I could see like some older, you know, hot woman, sexy in her late 40s calling us in our 40s or anyone in their 40s cute.

Yeah. Now it's like, look how he winks it. Look how he like groans when he sits down. Yeah. Oh, look at his cane. Oh, he's so cute. Hey, why don't I help that cute man across the street? Right. A cute man across the street? Right.

A cute man is not a threat. A cute man doesn't hit on you. Yeah. Yeah. A cute man's not going to tear it up. Right. Do you know, because now it's like when I walk down the street, I think there was a period where it was offensive. I started out, I would look at women and it was a compliment.

It would be like, oh, my God, look, he's looking at you. And then I got into my 40s and it was like, oh, my God, he's looking at you. And now they don't even notice. Now they just look right through me like I'm not even there. And so me and Josh, sometimes I go for a walk with, you know, Josh and Rachel, of course, Jews. And we go for walks on Sunday down the beach sometimes. And when we do, girls get creeped out by me and Josh looking at them. And so what we do is I'm not making this up. We walk about 20 yards behind our wives, and then we hold hands,

and then we talk to pretty women, and they love talking to us, and they love themselves for talking to us because they've got gay friends. They're so proud of themselves. And then they'll see our rings, and they'll be like, are you guys married? And we'll be like, yeah, yeah, we are married. And our wives are just fucking dying. They're they'll, they'll watch us do it.

That's a lot to unpack. Just the image of you guys holding hands at the boardwalk. I'm glad I never saw. Imagine if I saw that. I didn't see the wives out front. I, I don't think I'd bring it up to you. I'd be like, it's one of those, like, you don't know this, but I, I walked in on you masturbating once. Like, like a lot of roommates have that probably.

That's what I would be like with this. Right. Have we ever brought that up? Have you ever been caught masturbating? I've never been caught masturbating. Well, right. I think you have to phrase it this way. You've never been caught that you know of.

All right. Here's how I know I was. Okay, that's true. When I was in about 10th grade and I was on. This is one of my favorite stories of all time. I was on the varsity masturbating team, and I came home from school one day, and I had always masturbated in my twin bed that literally, I'm in high school, I got the same twin bed that I had when I moved into one when I was six years old.

And back in the old days, beds had springs, and the springs would rust, and it would be creaky. And so I would lay in bed and I would like push on the headboard with my head to keep it from squeaking. And I would pin my feet down and I would almost arch my back to try to make no sound whatsoever. So total stillness and not a lot of motion. I kept it very minimal.

Perfect Irish shame. So I'm just getting away with it. And then I come home from school one day and I sit on my bed and I notice, wow, that's weird. It's not creaking. I look on my dresser and there's a bottle of three-in-one oil. And my mother had oiled my bed. The neighbors were complaining. It sounded – because the TV room is directly under my bedroom

and it must have sounded like they were at sea it was like a herman melville novel that was just creaking and groaning and raining the house is swaying with the waves meanwhile you're like, thanks, mom. Best lube ever. Yeah, I started using it to jerk off. Massive backfire. Three in one, more like four in one. Three on one.

That's what's in my mind right now. I must have been caught. I mean, Jesus, in boarding school you were never alone. There was a lot of masturbating in bathroom stalls. Yeah, that's not fun. And you'd have to stop. Someone comes in. You waited. They must have thought, everyone must have thought, God, everyone thinks I take the longest shits. Yeah. Yeah.

And the worst is when, like, someone would come in and sit down, like, two stalls away. You got an erection in your hand. You're like, fucking shit. And then you'd, like, eventually, you play a waiting game, but then you, like, storm out with an angry erection. You probably got, all of you guys probably developed weird fetishes about fecal. You're so used to somebody taking a shit next to you while you're coming

that it starts to become ingrained, and now you're like a German. Never thought about it until now. I think I escaped that. But, boy, you'd have to have a vivid memory. I think Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue was used a lot because that's like, you know, that's like, that's acceptable to go take a shit with. Who was your girl?

Mine was Kathy Ireland. Honestly, I mean, some of them were so insane, you know what I mean? I mean, and it was, you know, whatever. Just the cleavage alone that they would be able to capture was, some of them were so insane you know what i mean i mean and and it was you know whatever just the cleavage alone that they would be able to uh capture was you hardly needed anything yeah at that age yeah i know you were bursting constantly yeah and the victoria secrets catalog oh yeah when that started it was crazy crazy i remember some comedian like from, you know, when the I don't know when that was, but like when comedy was all over television and all that.

I remember seeing him like and his opener was, well, the Victoria's Secret's catalog arrived at my house the other day. And boy, are my arms tired. Yeah. I mean, that's how that's how ubiquitous it was. I had I had a good time yesterday. I had Tim Dillon on my podcast and so i drove out to his mansion up in the hills he's got a fucking beautiful house i was there once before he's got a pool and it overlooks like all of la and then he's like now let's go to my

office meanwhile he lives like up a fucking winding road. It took me like an hour to get there. He's like, no, let's go to my studio in Hollywood. So I get in his Bentley. What? Yeah, he's got a Bentley. And we go tooling down to, well, you know what he makes in Patreon every month? I don't. Guess what he makes in Patreon every month? I don't want a Bentley.

I don't want him. $250,000 a month. That doesn't include his ads, his stand-up. His OnlyFans dirty shit. So we drive down to his studio and he's just so funny. He doesn't give a fuck.

We pull up and he parks in front of his studio in front of a red curb and gets out. And I was like, I go, dude, you can't park here.

He's like, it's raining. Doesn't matter. And he just leaves it there. And we come out, and it's the middle of Beverly Hills. No fucking ticket. Wow. Yeah. He doesn't seem like, not give a shit would be like, no, he drives a Honda

or, you know, whatever, a pickup. Pickup's not really his thing. But I'm surprised on the Bentley. He's, God, I heard Bert somewhere, Kreischer. I get, you know, the cooking show we did? I guess he did it with Whitney Cummings. And is it well known how hard he shits on Whitney Cummings, Tim? Dylan?

You mean openly he shits on Whitney? Oh, my God. She's like, favorite pizza topping. And Whitney's like, guess what my favorite pizza topping is. He goes, I don't know, antidepressants? And I'm paraphrasing, and I have not heard it. I don't think it's out yet, but Bert was talking about, and then it's something like when he was talking about,

well, when I have my ideas, and he's like, idea. You had one idea, and then men helped you with it. No, I happen to know he loves Whitney. Oh, no, of course. He could not say these things unless there was a strong connection. I mean, it was brutal. Right. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah.

So that was fun. So that'll be on the podcast this week on FitzDog Radio. And we want to thank our logo this week, Rob Dukes and Melody, close friends of the show. He didn't come to the show. He was going to, and then he ended up having to go to New York for something, but he was

kicking himself. He sent me an email when he saw the pictures from the night. He was so pissed he didn't make it. And he's doing, he did the you know, for my one hour special, he wrote the music for it. The intro music. Oh, nice. Yeah, he wrote an original song for me. Holy shit.

I owe him. Have you done his podcast? Yeah. What is it? Oh, nice. Great. Tom O'Neill did it. Rob, official apology. I think I mentioned this last week, but I got to get back to you on email. I'm away the next two weeks doing a college tour of New England. Yeah. Yeah. So here I come, Vermont. Here I come. Actually, northeast, I should say. New York, New Hampshire, Boston.

Yeah. By the way, his podcast is called Put Up Your Dukes. Okay. Yeah, those college tours are fun. I remember doing that with Owen. We went to Boston. No offense to Rob. I don't listen to podcasts. We'd hit Boston.

We hit Chicago, California. I'm psyched. You know, here's the weird thing, very inappropriate. So we're going to spend the night in Burlington, Vermont at UVM. And I'll show her, you know, the original, you know, UVM was pretty remarkable place back. Did you ever go up there with me during college? No. And then, you know, I got arrested going up there, but I would go up there a lot.

I mean, I'd ski, but I'd also just party like crazy. And, you know, little you know little fucking little two hippies with their little ice cream shop the first one ever that was ben and jerry's yeah and then we'd go on the corner and we'd see this little fucking hippie band and that was fish like a lot was happening then you know so anyway the inappropriate thing is i totally want to go to a bar with Olivia who's uh 17 uh yeah so I I took Owen to bars on our in our college trip I felt like I felt like you have to but he had a fake ID he got in China and Olivia has the same exact one all the kids have it you get two for like a hundred bucks and it's got it's got the swipe on it and the

bartender we were at a bar in Worcester and the guy swiped it and it fucking worked I was like oh we're busted now it worked well so my kids then got advice from Owen and found the connection at Santa Monica High School and then I said said, hey, I want one. And they're like, what are you talking about? I'm like, yeah, I'm going to make my age 65 to get all the discounts. They were mortified. That's so great. They were mortified.

And they refused. They're like, I will be so embarrassed. Here's my question. Then we'll get to the podcast. Here's my question. What discounts do you get with 65? Movies? Buses? First of all, the golf course. Okay. my question then we'll get to the podcast here's what discounts do you get with 65 movies bus the golf course okay so that happened that would happen a lot for us and then i i don't know

i'd have to look into all this stuff uh i would i'd exploit the shit out of that thing though anyway yeah all right go ahead so um but here's the thing i go and picture it you and owen i go into the bar with her she kept her name her name is the same so gibbons is her last name so when the guy suspects or knows like she's been rejected from places when he knows it's a fake and then he sees my ID, let's say it's a place that IDs everybody by policy. He's like, is this your daughter? How old is she? I don't know. Is that weird that I'm totally lying when he knows I'm lying?

Right, right. I don't know. Yeah, I can't imagine. Like, my family didn't let me drink when I was 21. I'll be like, this is my wife. Huh? She's my wife. Please don't tell me how old she is.

Yeah. 21? You said you were 19, you fucking bitch. Yeah, the catalog said you were 16. The song this week is from Tim Semple. It's awesome. Thank you, Tim. It's got a cool feel.

No, it's very cool. Corrections this week. One correction, and it's very small. Eric from Duluth, Minnesota, who's a friend of the show also. Oh, Bob Dylan territory. Just wanted to say quick that Grand Marais is pronounced Marais. Drop the S. It

translates to Big Swamp, which is kind of a misnomer. We live about an hour and a half from there. Love that town. In fact, it was voted the coolest small towns in the country. And not just because it's so goddamn cold up there. Lots of cool bars and restaurants, vibrant art scene, abundant nature activities. Keep up the great work, Eric.

Wow. All right. It got voted best swamp. Dates coming up. Oh, this weekend, people. St. Louis. Tickets are going fast. And Chris Denman will be there. All the Midcoast Media people that produce the podcast will be there and

come on out. The show is on the 1st of April, April fool's day. So it's the Grandel theater. Get tickets at Fitz dog.com. Also coming to Louisville, the laugh Louisville club, April 6th through the eighth Mohegan sun in Connecticut,

April 13th through 15 levity live inhegan Sun in Connecticut, April 13th through 15th. Levity Live in Oxnard, California, April 22nd. Also coming to Escondido, Columbia, Missouri, Kansas City, and Boston. Go to FitzDawg.com. Get your tickets and see some live comedy, people. I love it. I wish I was going to St. Louis. It didn't work out.

Spring break down in Florida with Olivia. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Hey, you ever get down, Owen? Mike? I get down when you treat me like your son. I do, to be honest.

Listen, we all get down. We all get down. And there's so many triggers these days that can get you feeling bad. But there's an easy way to find a therapist right now online. Talkspace makes it so that it's convenient. It's ridiculously easy. It's so easy now. It can make a huge difference in your life. And it's much more affordable than in-person therapy. So don't wait until something

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when you go to Talkspace.com slash papers. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com papers to get $100 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Talkspace.com slash papers. That's perfect. That's perfect. And by the way, just the accessibility, because it's so hard to find a therapist now. And also, I remember my therapist blocked me. So this is so good.

They don't want to hear that stuff about you and your mother. You know, that's weird. It's weird, your thoughts about your mother. Greg called me his son. I have an identity crisis now. I don't identify as Owen, but I guess I can. Speaking of papers, let's get to the front page. Here we go. Extra! We all love it! Extra! Okay. On TikTok. Enjoy it while it lasts. On Thursday, although I'm on TikTok's side here, I think. On Thursday, TikTok CEO Shu Chu.

Shu Chu. Shu Chu. I should have called my dog Shu Chu because that's all she used to do. Sounds like the TikTok train's coming to town. Shu-Chu testified before the House Committee where he was peppered with questions about concerns over the popular app's potential national security threats and its connections to China. Many of the TikTok video clips suggested Congress members don't know how modern technology works. U.S. Representative Buddy Carter, who represents Georgia's 1st District, asked Chu whether the app tracks pupil dilation as a form of facial recognition to drive algorithms. Chu responded by saying the app does not use body, face or voice data to identify users. And the only face data the app collects is for, quote, filters to have sunglasses on your face.

So then this guy, Buddy Carter from Georgia, goes, why do you need to know where the eyes are if you're not seeing if they're dilated? And then he added, also, our eyes are so much rounder than yours. Does the technology even work on our big round eyes? He didn't say that part. But I will say this. Oddly, I'm going to defend Buddy Carter. TikTok recently updated its privacy policy, allowing it to collect biometric data. And so Buddy thought it was important that the CEO be on record under oath

telling us that they're not collecting this data and whether the Chinese Communist Party has access to that data. So, you know, it's not if I read that, like these are the things we don't read and we sign with Apple and stuff, but they are collecting biometric data. Yeah. That's not nothing. I don't know what biometric data means. Does that mean it's like a mass collection versus specifically about an individual? No. when you're on TikTok and using it, when your camera's engaged, I guess, it is absolutely grabbing, I am sure, not only the description,

but it's probably mapping your face. No. Of course. That technology is so readily available. I mean, and drones can do it, but it's probably mapping your face, not only identifying eye color, pupil. It probably is size. You know, like, are you a member of clear with the airports?

No. All right. I am, which, by the way, sometimes is longer than the regular line. But it scans my eye. It doesn't. And as a backup, it has fingerprints. But I is the new identifying feature. Jesus. When I look into the clear camera at the airport, it immediately, out of the tens of millions of people that are probably signed up, it pops up my identity and has all my data. I don't know if TikTok recognizes eyeballs, but my algorithm definitely knows the size of titties because it shows me a lot of big titties. I know that like, I don't know.

It sees your eyes wide open. That's when it knows. My ex-hamster account definitely sees my eyes. It does not see my eyes because they are squinted hard when I'm watching ex-hamster. I love that you create accounts on the porn sites. Well, because I want to leave comments. Who are the people that leave fucking comments on porn clips? fucking comments on porn clips like how sweaty and smelly and submerged in a basement are you that you leave comments on porn clips it's first of all and just like everywhere else

dudes get in arguments in the comment section yeah like is that the time for an argument aren't you trying to do your business and move on with your life? Right. Um, by the way, you want to know, uh, this sounds so creepy. It is whatever. I've already said it. Uh, one of the best search phrases, you know, like, you know, like in all writers rooms, even the women in there would be like, what are your search phrases? Is it like lesbian couple or whatever it is, right? Japanese hidden camera massage porn lesbian. Don't say it.

They took it down. You're watching laws being broken. Of course. They took it down. You should never admit that that's what you searched for. But here's a great thing to search for. Name, please. What's that?

Do you know how popular that comment is when there's an unidentified clip, right? Like, you know, the big thing on there now are amateur couples are posting their only fans videos. Okay. It's has nothing to do with porn. They're from all over the world. And it's literally couples who a lot of times they, they don't shoot their faces. Like it's just their bodies and that's what they're doing anyway. But whatever we were digging a hole here, but name please is what angry users on porn sites demand when the person

isn't identified because they want to search for other videos of them. Really? Yes. Oh, my God. No, it's usually, basically, it's usually, what porn star is that? Yeah.

Like, tell me. I want to follow them. Right. Well, here we go. You should probably erase all of this. Spirit Airlines is apologizing for the behavior of their workers after they are seen on camera rummaging through passengers' travel bag, stealing items and tossing his life-saving medicine in the trash.

Keon Brooks, a California resident, said he attempted to board a Spirit flight at the Armstrong Airport on the 19th when he ran into trouble. Brooks had come to New Orleans for a funeral and was returning home to L.A. However, an escalated conflict at the ticket counter put him in a debacle with the popular discounted air carrier. He accidentally left his small carry-on at the ticket counter, which was later picked up by Spirit Workers.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, so it worked out really well until the man filed a lost and found claim but when it was not resolved he made a public records request to the airport and asked for the security footage surveying the gate the airport expeditiously sent the footage to him the video showed even before all the passengers were boarded, a female agent who had not interacted with him took the bag behind the counter. It also showed instead of alerting a flight attendant of those already seated that the bag was left, she held it until the flight was completely boarded.

After the plane door shut, the woman took the bag to a seat, opened it, and searched through the contents. What? Quote, I noticed she was stuffing some things in her pocket. I don't know if that was my jewelry or my crystals, said Brooks. Others joined her and started allowing people to take what they wanted out of the bag. Brooks, who

had very important medicine in his bag, watched as people poured the pills into the trash can. At the same time, he saw some people laugh at the violation while taking selfies with their cell phones. That's the spirit. First of all, anyone with crystals also has medication.

That's right. Well, yeah, if you have the crystals, why do you need the medication? Can't you just put it in your belly button and say ohm a few times and everything goes away? And watch. None of these people are getting fired except the fucking dimwit who sent the videotape into the guy who got his shit stolen. I don't know if I believe this story because I don't think anyone throws away found pills. Especially especially if you work at Spirit. Yeah.

And I don't believe it because the guy had to rush because his flight was on time. Yeah, a lot of holes in this story. Yeah. But by the way, even the Spirit Airlines employees, they had to pay an extra fee just to pick up the bag. You mean the employees pay fees too? Yeah, yeah. Wow, everybody's paying fees. Spirit, everything.

They nickel and dime you. Seems like in a bad spirit. Billionaire executive Wolfgang Porsche. I want that name. That name. I just picture a guy with like, got like a handlebar mustache, one of those old German uniforms with lots of medals on it.

Yeah. Tons of stolen Jewish art on the walls. Yeah, absolutely. Completely trained German shepherds by his fireside. Yeah. And he's begun divorce proceedings from his wife, Claudia Porsche, because her dementia-like illness had led to changes in her personality. Sources said Claudia's illness was making living with her impossible. The 74-year-old grandmother had caregivers looking after her around the clock.

She's been unable to move around on her own, and her mental awareness has rapidly declined. It's been reported that Wolfgang 79 has been getting close to longtime friend Gabriela Brinzenzen Lou Leiningen, who is 20 years his junior. Their family assets have been estimated at 20

billion euros. Whoa. Yeah. First of all, what is dementia-like illness? It sounds like I could, anyone could be like, I can't stay with her. Sorry. This dementia-like illness where your personality is changing. Like anyone could use that phrase now.

Right, right, right. Yeah, you forget your car keys. Ah, you know. Yeah. I'll look at her yeah um yeah i'm mixed go ahead it could also mean like you why you just wrote car keys i said the same fucking joke um dementia means also that they don't remember anything so you know they don't remember what you did wrong i think it's easier to live with somebody with dementia. You can.

I could watch Goodfellas every fucking night for the rest of my life. And she's fine with it. Yeah. No, we didn't. We did not have sex this morning. We didn't. Come on. Let's go again.

Says a 79 year old. I am mixed. Yeah, please. OK. Not to be serious, but I am a little mixed on this. Like what? It's bad. It's bad form. Don't get me wrong, but let's say they're younger. First of all, let's say if they were younger and she, let's say, and again, hypothetical. She really is out of it. If it was reversed, wouldn't I want I wouldn't want my wife to be a caregiver for 20 years and that's it. Right.

I don't know. Like our friend, we have a friend, you know, the Dunskies. I mean, take care of me. Don't like, you know, put me in a home and pretend you don't have fucking a lot of money, but completely take care of me. But then if you are striking up a relationship and you can enjoy a relationship

when I am totally out of it for the remainder of your life, why would I, I don't know. Well, Lisa Zimbal's father is a wonderful man. You know Ken. Oh, he's fantastic. And his wife has severe dementia, and she's in a home, and she has no idea of anything that's going on anymore. He shows up six days a week and sits with her. And you know what? It's like an act of love. And it's brought he's got total serenity about it. You know, we have dinner with him all the time. He goes he goes out. He goes on trips like he does travel with his family, like they'll go on a vacation for a week.

And his family are four women in their 30s. I'm kidding. All right, wow, we're learning in this podcast that I am more of a creep than I thought. I don't like your answer. I don't like your answer at all. I think if it was me, if my wife got dementia and she was completely out of it, I can see staying with her but maybe sleeping with her cousin. Oh, so like now. Well, also, I haven't thought about the kids.

I totally didn't think about the kids or anything in this. They didn't mention kids. Yeah. So that skewed it. Of course, yeah, I don't know. I think if you're the kids, you're just worried that he's going to run off with this younger woman and she's going to get all the

$20 billion when he dies. Well, that's a totally separate issue, but yeah. I don't know. As I get older, I'm just thinking about how crazy that there's life at all. Yeah. It's weird, and I know this leads to me, you know, all of a sudden storming the Capitol with an assault rifle. But can I even, that's a joke.

But, like, it's dangerous thinking is my point. I don't know. Let's move on. Well, Mike, Jews are in the news. Oh, great. Let's see how I do on this topic. New York Attorney General Letitia James is warning New Yorkers to be wary of potentially discriminatory price gouging at car washes ahead of the Jewish holiday of Passover. James' office said that it was receiving reports of car wash businesses, largely in predominantly Orthodox Jewish communities,

raising prices by as much as 50% for Jewish customers looking for cleaning services close to Passover. Passover starts before sundown on April 5th, which is my birthday. As part of the holiday, Jews traditionally avoid eating foods made from leavened grain. Many also partake in cleaning their homes and cars. Beforehand, Attorney General James' office says some car wash businesses advertise specials for Passover cleaning only to charge Jewish customers more. Whoa. And also, instead of a Christmas tree air freshener hanging off the dash, they hang Jesus Christ.

Oh, like violently hanged? Yeah. Like he's been hanged? Yeah, like he's been hanged. It didn't help that one car wash said, Absolutely, we would never raise the price on dirty Jews. We clean, we're going to clean them. So you think there was a subtext to that?

Yeah, I think there might have been. Yeah, yeah. Also, to add insult to injury, they're all offering huge Easter discounts. Right, right. I think we've got to get away from this story as soon as possible. All right, wait. I do want to – I'm going to do this on almost every story, I guess. I want to bring up a fair-minded thought.

Yeah. All car washes raise the price when they know demand's going to go up. Like, for instance, all car washes are more expensive beginning, what, Thursday? Because everyone cleans their cars for the weekend. Yeah, there's always a discount on Tuesday or Wednesday. Right. So, I don't know. Uh, I don't know. I don't like it.

I don't like it. Here's what I do like. Good news for Gubbins. You got it. So, Gubbins bit. He came on the St. Patrick's Day show, and I had to set up the premise, which was, here's an Irish comedian who's come on. You're not going to believe this premise. It took me an hour to explain it before I brought him on stage. He's an Irish comedian who reached out to me through the Internet.

By the way, I saw it. I still need it explained to me. And he had a knee surgery, which caused him to take on the accent of a Southern lawyer. And so he comes on stage and he does this kind of like old folksy, you know, foghorn, claghorn. Yeah. And he does that for a while. And then he takes a sip of Guinness and he breaks into an Irish accent.

And he realizes that it was the Guinness that brought and he breaks into an Irish accent and he realizes that, uh, it was the Guinness that brought him back to his normal Irish accent, does some more jokes. And then he suddenly is speaking in an American accent. So I have to yell out to him, you're full of shit. You're not an Irish comic. You just, he goes, well, it's really hard to get stage time in LA. So I set it so I could get on the show.

Um, so that was the premise. Worst Marvel, a superhero origin story ever. Yeah. So then I read this story about a guy. Researchers in the U.S. are reporting an unusual and rare case of a man diagnosed with prostate cancer who developed an uncontrollable Irish brogue accent despite not having one before. He lived in England briefly in his 20s, had Irish family and friends, but he'd never been to Ireland or spoke in an Irish accent before. As his condition worsened, the man still kept his Irish accent until his death.

They believe it's a case of foreign accent syndrome, they believe it's a case of foreign accent syndrome also referred to as pseudo fast and dispro sody dispro city which they describe as a consistent change in speech that makes it seem as if the person has a foreign accent which is so funny because like i grew up with irish grandparents i didn't know my my father's parents were from Ireland, but they both died in their 40s. And then my mother's parents were from Ireland, and they had the thickest Irish

accents. Like, so sing-songy and charming and beautiful. I loved the way they talked. And I just assumed when I was a young kid, I thought everybody's grandparents talked this way. Like I thought it was like a magic thing that grandparents talking in this funny way.

Yeah. That's hysterical. Yeah. By the way, this week, coincidentally, and this is not a joke, there was something,

and I came across it on Instagram, probably from TikTok, of a woman who developed a Chinese accent. And it's the exact it's this disprose, whatever that is. I can't even pronounce it with or without an accent. Disprosity. Disprosity. My mom has it like my mom has totally gotten rid of her.

No, she hasn't at all. My mom still has a thick Bronx accent, but when she drinks and she's with her sisters, it's unbelievable how much thicker it gets. Yeah. I'll tell Dennis' putter story next week.

But listen, man, the guy got up there and went for it. I mean, that's a crazy premise. Yep. And he did it, man. Yep. He did it. People liked it. And he ended his set by, you know, he's he's had knee surgery, so he's got a cane and it's purple. And he ended his set by getting the entire crowd to sing Purple Cane, Purple Cane to the tune of Purple Rain. And everyone sang along. Everybody sang along.

Good job. Good news for Gubbins. Entertainment. Let's do it. All right, here it is. Kanye West returns to Instagram and says one actor made him, quote, like Jewish people again. All right. So this is out there. made him, quote, like Jewish people again. All right.

So this is out there. I think it was like 10 hours ago. It already has, at least when I grabbed it this morning, 2.4 million likes. So here is the exact, I copied and pasted it in here. Here's the exact tweet. Watching Jonah Hill in 21 Jump Street made me like Jewish people again. That's the opening line. No one should take anger against one or two individuals and transform that into hatred towards millions of innocent people. No Christian can be labeled anti-Semite

knowing Jesus is Jew. Thank you, Jonah Hill. I love you. That's 70,000 comments this morning. No, 65,000 comments. Yeah. Yeah. It's so perfectly crazy.

I think to make penance, he's going to wash Jewish people's cars for free on Passover. I think he also totally flipped the logic here. I think it's like no one should like a whole race of people based on one jews performance in a movie well he better not see stuts or this will all be undone jonah hill i found was a little annoyed i liked stuts i will say that and i think everyone should see it but uh he was a little annoying his therapist you fall in love with immediately oh Oh, yeah. My wife bought his book. I don't doubt it. Yeah. I don't know why I haven't bought his book.

Kanye also rewatched Kim's sex tape and likes the Kardashians again. Hey, he's back on board. Yeah. Yeah. He also watched 12 Years a Slave, and he's close to changing his mind that slavery might not have been a choice for black people. It hasn't happened yet. Yeah. A couple more movies.

A couple more movies. He's at around nine years a slave. He's not all the way there yet. No, he's still 12 Years a Slave owner. Where is that story? Yeah. You think it was tough? Listen, it wasn't all easy for those guys.

story yeah you think it was listen it wasn't all easy for those guys um do you uh do you listen to gorillas the band gorillas uh back in the 90s oh i'm one of those guys i always heard their name and i always heard they were good and then this week i started listening to them holy shit it's so fun when you discover music that you missed and you get to enjoy it for the first time. Yeah, I know. They're amazing. They're amazing. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I think I spent my life doing that naturally.

Just all of a sudden it's like, whether it's know, whether it's, you know, finding guys before our time and your kids do that. And Olivia's doing it a little so often, but a lot of this generate, like I used to be like, wait, my favorite person liked Otis Redding. Who's Otis Redding? I couldn't wait. And that was before the internet or streaming services. Like you'd have to find something and read it. So, uh, anyway, no, but that happens to me all the time. And I, you know, as you know, I'm being turned on more to like Americana and this, like for instance,

all through college, I somehow just missed like John Prine. You know what I mean? Like, you know, obviously we were all into Bonnie Raitt and all this, but Bonnie Raitt's biggest song is a John Prine song, you know, or one of her biggest. And so I don't know. Yeah. I love it too. Of course. Who wouldn't? That is, that is the fun thing about, uh, soundtracks too, is that's how my kids discover a lot of music is through soundtracks. Like Big Lebowski made them love Dylan for the first time, uh, because they uh because they he's

that was that dylan song that's in there um the man in me yeah the man in me which by the way it it turned me on to that song i kind of like a lot of even dylan fans were like oh that period of his and the coen brothers you know when we were at the dylan uh Tulsa, it put up a famous quote that said, sometimes it takes an artist to put music to visuals for you to fully appreciate the music. And that is exactly what happened with The Big Lebowski and Dylan and that song. I've been watching Survivor with my kids. That's another one that I missed. I never watched it when it came out, and now we're just binge watching.

It's such a well-made show. It's corny and it's simple, but it totally hooks you in. So if you guys are all honest, you should bet. So I watch watch with my girls i think that's a great idea oh yeah no i watch and you can change your bets maybe come up with some system where you're like you know especially if their person gets voted off like they can buy back in like you know like the football pools that's great i love like a horse race yeah um that's what we did pandemic my daughter that's one of the things we binged was we went back.

And I won so much money because I had seen a lot of them. And I worked at CBS for those years. And you have the internet. Such idiots. They're like, Dad, you're so good at this. Eight celebrities, including actor Lindsay Lohan, influencer Jake Paul, and rapper Soulja Boy, have been charged by federal regulators with illegally touting two cryptocurrencies and failing to disclose they were paid to do so. The SEC says the companies paid celebrities with vast social media followings and directed them to not disclose their compensation. I wonder if the fighters who lost to Jake Paul will disclose they were paid to take a dive.

Oh, edgy, edgy. I wonder if the paparazzi that stalked Lindsay Lohan will disclose that they were texted her itinerary by her assistant an hour before she went to places. Craig, you're pulling back the curtain too far. I got excited when I just briefly glanced at this article because I thought for a minute this was the announcement that Jake Paul was going to fight Lindsay Lohan and take my money.

Take my money. Yeah, I wouldn't bet against her. She's a badass motherfucker. She is a survivor. I got to tell you, i had such a crush on lindsey lohan did you when she got older not when she was a little kid actor but when she when she got a little older there was just something about i think it was something about how fucked up her childhood was it reminded me of the girls i always dated the girls that were

broken you know there was something vulnerable about those broken girls yeah yeah yeah she moved into venice remember that yeah yeah yeah it was paparazzi outside of her house yeah have you met her no i mean not really she was on ellen do you remember do you were you still there were you fired when she sang yes and someone isolated her vocal track and it and it jumped the fence it got out somehow and it was no bueno oh yeah really yeah damn well i think she's doing okay now right is she sober she's got her own show she's got like a reality show? Yeah, maybe. Was it a club in Mykonos or something? Yeah. And her voice is

fucking shot. She sounds like she's been chain-smoking Paul Malls. She was always that old school. Yeah, she seemed like Lauren Bacall when she was when Lindsay was 18. She seemed like an old Lauren Bacall.

Oh, Chris just posted this. Lohan is back to acting. In March 2022, she signed a deal to star in three upcoming Netflix projects. Okay. Very smart on Netflix. Everyone knows her, mostly, I would say. Do you think our kids know her? Oh, definitely.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And everyone loves a comeback story. I think she's sweet. I pull for her. See? So do you. Yep.

I also pull for Gwyneth Paltrow. She testified Friday in a civil trial stemming from a 2016 skiing accident at the Deer Valley Resort in Utah. Terry Sanderson has accused the actress and goop founder of crashing into him and causing him serious injuries while they were both skiing, a lawsuit that Paltrow testified she thinks is unfair, saying she didn't cause the accident. She filed a countersuit against Sanderson, claiming that he skied into her. Here's what she said on the stand. She was skiing with her two kids and her husband and his two kids.

Each child had their own ski instructor, she said. They had been to Deer Valley Resort where the collision happened twice before, and the incident happened the first day of their trip uh two she testified that two skis came in between her skis forcing her legs apart and then there was a body pressing against me and there was a very strange grunting noise from behind wow this guy gets to work fast yeah she described the collision as being a slow fall and that when they both crashed down together their skis were tangled up sanderson's condition paltrow did not ask about the condition of sanderson after they collided testifying she did not know the extent of his

injuries and thought it was very minor on the day uh sanderson claims that Paltrow hit him, causing a brain injury and breaking four ribs. Uh, huh. That was a solid hug he gave her. Sanderson claims Paltrow and her ski instructor skied away after the incident without getting him medical care. She testified she stayed on the mountain long enough for him to say that he was okay and to stand up.

So. I don't know. Well, listen, the guy, it sounds like he was blinded by the smell of her vagina, which is everywhere. I mean, she put it in candles. Yeah. And I think, you know, she should sue him for the cost of the goop eggs that fell out of her vagina with the impact. Probably got lost in the snow.

I don't know how. I mean, she's she flew in for this trial. It's just his word. She clearly has witnesses. for this trial. It's just his word. She clearly has witnesses. Well, I mean, does he have x-rays of his four broken ribs? And his brain injury? Yeah, I don't know. But boy, that description

of that legs between her legs, spreading her legs, strange grunting noise. Jesus. What is she doing? What's she going after here? I'm going to book my vacation at Deer Valley right now. Are we making America Florida? Let's do it.

Here we go. Rick Allen, the drummer for Def Leppard. The one-armed drummer. The one-armed drummer, famous for Def Leppard, was attacked by a 19-year-old outside a Fort Lauderdale hotel on Monday. Allen was smoking a cigarette outside the Four Seasons near the valet when Max Hartley, who had reportedly been hiding behind a pole, ran at the musician and allegedly knocked him over.

The fall caused Alan to hit his head on the ground, causing injury. A woman came out to help after Alan was attacked. Hartley then allegedly attacked the unnamed woman and knocked her to the ground before repeatedly striking her. All right. Jesus. First of all, I would love to see how the Def Leppard drummer gets a cigarette out of the carton and lights it. That's what I want to see.

That might be more impressive than his drumming. Yeah. Yeah. That's some Frank Sinatra shit. Yeah. Must be smooth as hell. Yeah. I mean, that's a guy that definitely says, can I get a light?

Totally. And can you get this out? I somehow went up in my back right pocket, and I can't reach it. Did you used to light your cigarettes by taking a matchbook and pulling down the one match with your thumb, twisting it over, and then flicking it with your thumb? First of all, oddly, I never smoked.

Not even for like a month long. I've never owned a pack of cigarettes, but that always seemed like the weirdest thing to me. What benefit? And can't you light the whole pack

on fire? And also sometimes the sulfur would stick to your thumb and then it would light and you would burn the tip of your thumb. Yeah. So it looked cool. It looked cool. I have like done lighters where you snap your fingers like on a Zippo and that lights it, you know? Really? Yeah. You, well, it's dumb. It's like you you do your your snap is brushing the you know the wheel that hits the flint you know that's all it's very stupid and simple um and listen i'm not saying a one-armed guy can't beat me up like a lot of them probably can but it's sure your strategy sure is simplified when you attack a one-armed person yeah you you know what to look out for there's one thing to look out for yeah unless he's going to do a spin move and hit you with the back of his

hand you can pretty much leave that right side open i didn't even think about that you see i'd walk right i'd walk right into that yeah he would hey by the way i found a fun fact when i uh looked up this story before launching his new record label in 84, Rick Rubin asked Def Leppard for permission to use D-E-F in the name of Def Jam Records. And Elliot was asked about this, and he regrets it to this day. Quote, foolishly, we gave it to him for nothing. Wow.

Did they ask Mary Matlin? She's an EAF. All right, another one. Florida Man. This is from, Gubbins gave us this. Florida Man accused of slapping a woman across the face with a slice of pizza. Okay, here's the guy's name. Ortello Lazaro Alfonso.

Guilty. That's racist. That's racist. I'm just going to say it right there. It sounds guilty for the crime of slapping someone with a piece of pizza. He allegedly carried out the bizarre attack during a possible domestic disturbance, according to an arrest affidavit by the Marion County Sheriff's Office. The victim accused Alfonso of striking her with a slice on the left side of her face during a feud. Was he backhanded like you were saying?

Yeah, I think it was a backhand. If he's righty? Yeah. Yeah. The man became upset that allegedly that she hit another individual in the home on his bottom area, the affidavit said. But say what you will for a Florida man. I think this showed a lot of restraint. I mean, just a piece of pizza. Yeah. Yeah. One slice. Yeah. Maybe their argument was I maybe she said, I bet you wouldn't know a good slice? Yeah. Maybe their argument was, maybe she said, I bet you wouldn't know a good slice of pizza

if it came up and slapped you in the face. And it's Florida pizza, so it didn't stick. It just bounced off the hard mozzarella. Well, at least I heard he paid his bail money with the money he earned from the TikTok video of the incident. Absolutely.

You know how many views that's going to get? Yeah. You know, it reminded me. Remember that Cagney scene? It was in Public Enemy. He smashes a grapefruit. Oh, yeah. And in the actress, I put her name here, Mae Clark, in Mae Clark's face.

It was a great line, too. What's that? It was a great line when he did it. I forget what it was. Well, by the way, so I looked that up cause it made me think of it. And, uh, that the director and nobody on set knew he was going to do that. And he asked her and it was, he was playing a joke on everyone on the set and he asked her, do you mind? First of all, he goes,

do you mind if I smash a grapefruit into your face on this next take and she was like yeah let's do it and they kept it in the film it was in uh yeah i've got the clip right here hold on i'm gonna yeah the public enemy 1931 i think that's look mom on top of the world Dear I asked you Didn't ask you for any lip Oh Yeah I wish There you go wishing stuff again

I wish you wasn't Wishing well I can tie a bucket to you And sink it Tough talk Maybe you found someone you like better and then he picks up the grapefruit, smashes her in the face, makes a grimace and walks

away. Oh, he doesn't say anything. I thought he had a line there. That would be funny. Oh my God, that's amazing. It also reminds me of like, remember Kevin Meany used to have that bit about his mother. She always thought something was going to poke out your eye. You're going to poke your eye out. Somebody be passing a piece of pizza across the table. You're going to poke his eye out with that slice of pizza.

That's not right. Don't slap her in the face with the slice. You poke her eye out. Here's a story that just came in now. Yeah, I have not seen this. This is fucking great. I've been waiting for this to happen, and now it is actually real. A principal of a Florida school has been forced to resign

after a parent complained that sixth grade students were exposed to pornography. The complaint arose from a Renaissance art lesson where students were shown Michelangelo's Statue of David. The iconic statue is one of the most famous in Western history, but one parent complained the material was pornographic. The statue depicts an entirely naked David, the biblical figure who kills Goliath. The lesson given to 11 and 12-year-olds included references to his creation, whatever. So she resigned after she was given an ultimatum by the school board.

What? Yeah. I mean, this is fucking crazy. So basically you can't walk through a piazza in Rome because they're filled with these statues. And I mean, granted the statues, the penises, I don't know if you've seen David, it's pretty specific. It's like, it's like, you know, Michelangelo took some time. He was, he was in the piazza for like three days just focused on the shaft. There's like a little vein. There's a pronounced crown.

There's a little slit in the tip. You know, he was like, hey, Michelangelo, I think you got the dick. Maybe move down to the leg for a little while. I think you got it. Chiseling away forever on that region. Right, right. But Jesus Christ, what is going on? It's like, do you remember when, who was the attorney general that put a cloak over the statues of liberty in front of the Supreme Court?

Oh, yeah. I forget. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess he was Christian. I forget. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess he was Christian. First of all, it's hard to believe that they're teaching kids such a good art class in public schools in Florida.

Right. I'm already surprised. Yeah, right. I thought it would be more like, look at the colors on this rebel flag. Yeah. But this does remind me. Look at this statue of David. Is David Lee Rol flag. Yeah. But this does remind me. Look at this statue of David. Is David Lee Roth? Yeah.

This does remind me, like, I spent, as you know, like a lot of time fighting S&P, which stands for Standards and Practices, at TV channels I worked at, you know, throughout my career. And it's very, they have a tough job, but sometimes they weren't consistent at all. And I remember now, I think it was Kimmel or Colbert. Uh, anyway, what one of them did was they're like, I think it was Kimmel. And he goes, uh, he had statue of David and they did not censor

it. And then he goes, it's a body part. It's a sculpture. And I think this is what happened. And then he goes, so I have another sculpture and S and P does not know I'm about to do this. And there's a seven second delay. It's back when he was live or whatever and he goes and I want to see how they handle this I'm gonna pull out another sculpture. It's literally I'm not no tricks here This is a sculpture of a hand and he takes out a sculpture of a hand, but it's giving the finger And they blurred it Really? Yeah. Yeah, and And but he didn't know what they would do,

because here's a penis and here's a finger, and the penis is unblurred. And then I remember Colbert also had a lot of fun with it, because CBS had a policy, you couldn't intentionally blur something for a joke, which a lot of jokes are funny if you do that, especially if you're rounding up the news every night. Anyway, yeah, the censorship thing is crazy. A lot of jokes are funny if you do that, especially if you're rounding up the news every night. You know, you can. Anyway. Yeah.

The censorship thing is crazy. But that was the show that did the blurring, unnecessary blurring bit. Yeah. No, no, no. So. All right. This will sound petty, but back at Kilbourne, we did the news every day. Alex Sulkin, who runs Family Guy now, we had, you know, a killer writer's room. And one thing we did was we would show Al Gore, when he was running for president, I'm dating myself now, but we would unnecessarily bleep him,

and it made it sound like he was the foulest-mouthed person ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kimmel then, a few years later, did unnecessary censorship, which was not only blurs, but he would then bleep people unnecessarily. And make it all sound really, really gross. Wow. Okay. All right.

Denman just put up Attorney General John Ashcroft was the guy who had the statues covered. Oh, perfect. All right, let's get to some sports. Let's do it. The owners of a Boston sports radio station apologized a bizarre defense after one of their on-air personalities made a racist joke about espn analyst mina kimes chris curtis made the joke while discussing a proposal in boston to ban miniature bottles of alcohol also known as nips the term is also a racial slur against people of japanese descent when a co-host asked the show's personality to...

Now, why is it that I can say that? I couldn't say the N-word in that sentence before. But I can say... I guess because the N-word doesn't have two meanings. What? Whatever. Yeah, you're referring to the little bottles of alcohol yes uh when a co-host asked the show's personalities to rank their favorite nips curtis said i'd probably go mina kimes he then

turned to producer chris chime and both men laughed kimes a star espn personality is of korean descent a spokesperson for the station told said it had no comment on the matter, but the spokesperson also suggested that Curtis had meant to name actor Mila Kunis instead of Kimes. Okay, so it would be about Mila Kunis' nipples. So it's sexist is okay, but not racist. And I Googled it. First of all, she never did nude stuff. I Googled Mila Kunis nipples.

I Googled Mina Kunis nude. Those were all in your search history anyway. I found Anne Hathaway and Reese Witherspoon. That took a little time. I lost a morning. First of all, it's the least racist thing that was said in Boston that week on radio. Probably. Yeah.

You know, I think the word, you know, Japs to refer to Japanese people is no longer appropriate. No, it's Nips. No, no, I know that, but I think Japs also, which is- Oh, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was always- That was always, I mean, it's an abbreviation, right? I mean, I get it. I get it was used a lot during World War II.

And we have the tragic history with internment camps. And I get that it became, it was often used in a disparaging way. I get that. Right. And by the way, to answer your question about the N-word, I mean, especially the N-word is so much more charged here. Are you kidding me? Yeah.

In this country especially. But what about krauts? I would think that's bad, but because they were the ones that started the war, maybe there's more tolerance for saying it. And Polacks, why did that ever come up? I mean, is polls a reaction to Polacks, or did people ignore calling people Poles? And who thought of Polacks?

Because that you can't say now, you know? No, you can't say Polacks. Mix, I think, is derogatory, but it's really just short for, like like McCarthy, McDonough, McDonald's. Mix I see is like Japs. It's similar, you know, just in terms of how they got to the word. Yeah. I don't know.

You're not, you can't say. Can't say Saudis. Can't say Saudis. You have to say Saudi Arabians. What are you talking about? Is that true? Yeah. I'm just making that up. All right. I believed it. Let's... Can't say Saudis. Can't say Saudis. You have to say Saudi Arabians. What are you talking about? Is that true? Yeah, I'm just making that up. All right.

I believed it. Let's get to international. All right. You want to read the bungee jump? Oh, yeah. Let's go to the bungee jump. to read the bungee jump? Oh yeah, let's go to the bungee jump. A tourist survives terrifying bungee jump fall in Thailand. One of my biggest fears ever, even though I'm never going to jump. After the court snaps. Back in January, the tourist who has been identified only as Mike

to avoid online harassment. Good luck. I get harassed with that name, Mike. So you didn't pick a good one. He traveled from Hong Kong to the Safari Adventure Park in Thailand, where he partook in a bungee jump activity. After being hooked into the equipment, Mike, 39, jumped from a 10-story high platform, though his bungee cord snapped and sent him falling headfirst into the water below, and there's video footage of it. And anyway, this is the story that Mike tells his family at home after his solo trip to Thailand. Sure, the bruises, but why does it sting when you pee, Mike? That happened from the bungee cord? Yeah, I see.

I landed in the water. I turned and my penis slammed into the water. That's what the bruises are. Yeah. He fell on a pile of girly men who broke his fall. You know me.

I'm a bungee tourist. What is it? Lady boys? What do I call them? Girly men? Lady boys. The lady boys. Jesus, can you even say that What I call them. Girly men, lady boys, the lady boys. Jesus.

Can you even say that? And I don't know what you can say anymore. You can on X hamster. You can say lady boys. Um, but anyway, the footage, the footage is everybody's like what they think of when they see any bungee

jump. Luckily it's stretched as far as it would go stretched as far as it's designed to go. He was, like, not that far above his head, upside down. He was not that far above the river, and then it snapped and he went right into the river. So it didn't slow him down? It did slow him down. Oh, significantly.

It was stretching, stretching, but he was still moving. Don't get me wrong. And he was still on the way down. Fuck bungee jumping. I would never do that. Did you see the video? It's famous, but I don't know how long it's been around, but it made the round this week of this guy's on a bridge, probably in New Zealand or something. And anyway, he's on this crazy high bridge and he's a and the idea is you jump backwards so he's facing the guys and holding their hands and he jumps backwards and when he does they threw an extra bungee and all of them they didn't tell him all of them were like whoa wait wait wait wait and they yeah yeah and he's in the air going backwards and he sees this cord like untethered it's like they pull up

they pull up a corpse so he had a heart attack on the way down Jesus I know let's get to our famous new segment everyone's talking about it ask Greg and Mike I have not seen it okay

Fitz dog I was trying to figure out why I felt compelled to write to you about this and landed on that you and the Sunday Papers podcast bring great joy to my life and also that you two have recently lost dogs. I made the extremely difficult decision after months of denial and justifying that it's time to put my dog Missy to sleep. I scheduled the appointment for in-home euthanasia for Sunday. She was a rescue dog who I became foster buddies with first.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I fell in love with her, ended up buying condos so I could adopt her. I met her when she was a year and a half. She's 15 and a half now. For a big Rottweiler German short hair pointer mix, that's damn good. I'd say, yeah. Can't stand the thought of not having her in my life, but people have been

telling me it's the right thing to do. I carry her upstairs. She's tentative to go downstairs. Can't lay down. Can't ride the car. This turned very long, and I'm not sure if you'll even see this or read it. But any advice on how to get through this and make it sting any less? Luckily, a new episode of Sunday

Papers is coming out the same day. She'll cross the Rainbow Bridge. So that should provide a temporary distraction for the pain. Thanks, Sarah. Sarah, don't do it. Don't do it, Sarah. Don't do it. Sarah. No, we're kidding. You't do it. Sarah, don't do it. Sarah. No, we're kidding. You already did it.

Yeah, my dog was in the same place. Well, both my dogs we put down this past summer. They were both 16 or 17, blind, demented, confused, just barking at walls and peeing on everything and biting. And they were out of control and you know the funny thing is the the difficult one we cried a lot we were very upset and then the smaller one who was more like your dog more demented it was mercy it went much easier because we just looked at a lot of old pictures i would say just find tons of old pictures and spend the day looking at those. And it'll just remind yourself of, you know, the good life that you provided for this dog.

It sounds like a beautiful relationship. So did I tell you that, you know, I can't really say my dog without explaining, but we put down Mac, the dog we got 15, 16 years ago, down yesterday. Oh. Were you there? No. No. My ex went and did it, but I was invited over the night before, which was two nights ago, to say goodbye.

And Sophie, who's in Michigan, really wanted me to do that for her also. She was bummed. But it's very similar to your story with Hannah and Sarah's story. And it was just so old, blind, deaf. Another way to think of it is this, with both your dog and my dog and Sarah's dog too, is it wouldn't even be alive now without medical intervention. Yeah. Most, most definitely Hannah wasn't. And I don't think Mac, my dog either would be, but anyway, I went to say goodbye and it was by the door, even though it's blind, it was by the slider door and really want to go out in the backyard to do what it loves to do, which I'll get to in a second. But we let it out. And this was way up in the hills. And I kind of said to to Olivia, I'm like, well, normally, you know, I'd be very worried about a coyote coming in and getting it.

But now, like maybe that's a good thing, because tomorrow, you're paying $400 to end its life. No, it would be like nature's Uber Eats. Can you order a coyote? Leave the gate open. Make it a little easier. Download the app. Dog be gone. When I was leaving, though, Olivia was like, do you want me to go get Matt?

You know, do you want to like really like, and I had already said goodbye to it, really. I'm like, no, actually, this helps because I'm watching him do what he loves to do more than anything now. He was eating shit in the backyard. And you just let him. Just let him. In heaven, eating dog shit in the backyard. And you just let him. Just let him. In heaven, eating dog shit in the backyard. Oh, God.

Then you definitely don't want to kiss him goodbye. Which is what he did for the last six months. I don't know what medication he was on that made him do it or whatever. But anyway, Sarah, it sounds like you're already grateful, especially for that long lifespan that your dog had. And I think you're in a good place with just gratitude. Yeah.

Yeah. Send us a picture. Send us a picture. Yeah, send us a picture. And all things come to an end. All right, I'm going to get depressed. Let's move on. All right. Hey, boys, love the show. I've started working on myself since home life has changed.

My four kids are grown on their own. So I started on a strict diet and working out with daily yoga. The problem is my wife. She has not been entirely supportive with changes. Asking questions like, are you seeing someone? Are you going to cheat on me? Is that all you're going to eat? I'm really happy to get in better shape for this phase of my life. How do I make changes without alienating my wife? I guess I don't understand why the pushback for making better choices in my life. Thanks, Pat McGroin. Pat McGroin.

Oh, yeah, look at that. It is hard. I found this when I quit drinking. I had a lot of friends, you being one of them, that accepted me quitting drinking. And I had some that rejected me, who just really didn't want to hang with me unless I was going to party. And people will stop you from positive change. It's one of the hardest things about being in a marriage is that you're kind of locked into, all right, I'm a seven. You're a seven.

We're good. If you try to become an eight, the seven's going to get fucking pissed off and paranoid. I don't know, man. These sound like dementia-like symptoms, and I think you get out of there. Get her a caretaker and go put those abs to work out in the free market. That's right. And take this yoga instructor to dinner. It sounds like she's getting you back into shape.

You guys can explore other ways that you can stretch and feel good. Private yoga sessions in a motel on weekends? Yeah. I think so. Pat McGroin. She's going to pat your groin, alright. Pat McGroin. Letters to the editor. Oh, here we go.

I thought that was. It kind of is similar. Alright. Hey, Greg and Mike, an observation. The show is much better when Mike prepares. Oh, there you go. How dare. Who the fuck is this? Dan? Dan.

No, no, this is Steve in Parkland, Florida. Be careful. He's from Parkland. Oh, so this is a Florida man. Oh, I'll take this seriously. On a separate note, the tryphobia, trypo phobia thing is, is totally real. Uh, we talked about seeing patterns. He goes to these patterns, make my skin crawl. The worst I've ever seen is skin with patterns of holes. I can't unsee. This is a phenomenon that I,

you pointed out and I, I didn't know it was a neuroses. I just thought it was my own personal thing where I see patterns of holes, and it enrages me and makes me violent and ill. And I don't know why. Huh. I started noticing these patterns, photos of weird fruits with seed patterns. Absolutely. Wood with holes.

Wondering if you've noticed these too. My son is nine, who I've never mentioned this about myself, has the same phobia. I've read that it can be linked to a survival part of our DNA to be repulsed by and stay away from anyone who might have boils or parasites visible. I can buy that. Wow. Yeah. I have a thing. I'm trying to think of photos Like spiders

But snakes Snakes Like if you were to hook me up And sort of take a reading on my vitals And I turn the page and there was a snake You would see a tremendous spike Have you ever held a snake? Yeah, I have

And you know, listen, some of it is real. Like I'd visit my grandmother in Florida and it was snake goddamn Palooza. Like they told me to go mow the lawn once. And so I went out and I moved the lawnmower. It hadn't been moved. It was left out there on the lawn. And when I pushed it forward, I almost stepped right on a coiled snake that was under the lawnmower. Yeah, no, they were everywhere. stepped right on a coiled snake that was under the lawnmower. No, they were everywhere. But it also might be because I have a vague memory of a snake crawling up my anus when I was in bed as a little boy.

So I think it might be elated. Yeah, I think that's why I'm afraid of holes. Anything sort of phallic looking I have a fear of. Yeah, and, you know, grown men with alcohol on their breath. I don't know. It just gets me antsy. Yeah. All the uncles, sorry, I mean snakes, all the snakes are really, I don't know.

But no, and so have you ever seen video, getting back to this letter, and you, and maybe this programming that's been imprinted on humans and what like to protect us have you ever seen the videos where they put like a rubber snake behind a cat a cat who's never seen a snake and when the cat like turns around it jumps straight up in the air yeah like you could put any other looking animal. You could put a fake rat. You could put a dog even. And I think a snake.

And that's what they say is we have like this guy saying we have an imprint that S shape or whatever, just centuries and centuries and centuries of learning to be afraid of these poisonous animals. Yeah. So same with the herb, maybe, I guess. I was going to say, like with the fruit, is it maybe that don't eat that? Could that also be part of it? Well, there's fruits that have like little whole sections in them.

Like what do you call that fruit? Not a papaya. Anyway, yeah, I don't even want to talk about it. I'm getting creeped out just talking about it. Wow. Let's get to the obituary. Oh, that'll help. And that's all, folks.

Willis Reed, why don't you read this since you... Yeah, you know this since you. Yeah, you know, I know. All right. So Willis Reed was, you know, an all time New York Knicks great who helped his team win two NBA championships in the 70s. Listen, go look him up. We don't have to do it. But the most alive ever that Madison Square Garden experienced was when Willis Reed came out. And I guess that's in here, right? It was the first of seven All-Star.

Reed helped the Knicks to victory in the NBA Finals against the Los Angeles Lakers. And they beat him again in 73 in Reed's second-to-last season. He beat him again in 73 in Reed's second to last season. He became known for playing through injury in the 1970s finals when unexpectedly he started a game seven. Everyone thought he was out. And when he walked out to start the game, despite a muscle tear in his thigh, the place went ballistic. I think he only played a minute or two and then went out, but it charged the arena

and his team and they were underdogs and they went on to win. And that's what he's kind of most famous for is like limping out. And it sounds like, you know, the natural or some, some made up story. And, uh, and any, and anyway, it was great, but he then loved to fish and he was our next door neighbor, uh, about an hour North of New York city on this little lake. And, uh, anyway, I just remember also my dad was old as fuck. And I remember it was his 50th birthday party. And Willis Reed came over, and we just hung out. And he was the nicest fucking mellowest dude. Oh, that's so cool. I think he might have been coaching the Nets at the time.

Uh-huh. But yeah, he was the nicest guy. No, he coached the Knicks. It says here he coached the Knicks. Oh, okay. And then he coached at Creighton University. Oh, all right. And then he coached the Hawks, the Kings, and the Nets.

Oh, yeah, so maybe it was the Nets. Yeah, I think it was during his time at the Nets. But I do know my stepbrother Jeff is truly a gifted fisherman, and there was a very big brown trout above the fireplace. And so he really wanted to talk to Jeff because of how good a fisherman Jeff was. I mean, I know that was part of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, legendary guy.

He was Rookie of the Year in 1964, and then he was the first Knick to have his jersey retired in 1976. There you go. I didn't know that. Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah. So famous, famous dude. Famous't know that. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So famous, famous dude. Famous New Yorker, really. Yeah.

All right, let's get to the funnies. All right. This week in Dilbert. Dilbert has a, he's getting a parking ticket from a black meter maid. And, no, I don't know. We didn't write one this week. That needs a little more setup also. Dilbert.

All right. This is Hager the Horrible Hager is standing with his hands on a table and he says to Lucky this table you built wobbles how do you explain that Lucky goes maybe the world is not flat nice now we got the Lockhorns Leroy is talking and everybody looks angry at him.

He's at a cocktail party and everybody's got a menacing look on their face. And Loretta goes, Leroy likes to be the dissenter of attention. I like their wordplay sometimes. It's not hilarious, but it's cute. I like their wordplay. I'm a little distracted because I forgot to put a far side on this goddamn bitch. Oh, boy, we need a far side. It's coming. I got it. Email you like three this week. Yeah. You know, I didn't really think

some of those were that great, especially, you know, for the far side. And so let me put one in. I found one here, though, which is OK. He does a lot of those where the scientists are in the lab. Oh, great. It put a fucking link. Anyway, I'll describe it to you and the listener. So the scientists are in a lab. They're all around beakers and the beakers are contained. This goddamn this fucking thing is not letting me see it. And the beakers contain this yellow substance. And three scientists are over there and they're holding it up and they're all analyzing.

And then the dumb looking fourth scientist to the right has his sandwich and his apple. He's clearly eating lunch and he's chugging this yellow water. And the thing is, what the? And this is the dumb guy. What the? This is lemonade. Where's my, where's my beaker of amoebic? No, sorry. It's the scientist holding up the beaker. He's like, what the? This is lemonade. Where's my beaker of amoebic? No, sorry. It's the scientist holding up the beaker. He's like, what the, this is lemonade. Where's my beaker of amoebic dysentery? And the idiot's chugging it. I slaughtered that one, but there it is. Here she is, my girl, Blondie. She's sitting at the table with a laptop. She's got on Kelly green pants and a black velvet shirt and dummy comes in and he goes, what are you working on? And she goes, I'm crunching numbers for a catering job this week. And then he goes, crunching numbers. And then she goes, and yes, there are potato chips in the pantry. And he turns around and goes, I'm on it. Like, how about showing a little interest in the fact that your wife is bringing in a second income and she has a career and that she's actually, like, you know, excited about something in her life.

And instead you got to go eat fucking potato chips. How about you support her? This is your wokest take on Blondie ever. How about the shelf of breasts that she has while sitting over that table? She's literally there laying on the table like two seals on a pier

in San Francisco. That's what it is. Shiny and round. Yes. And barking. And barking. Those tits are barking, baby. Jesus. All right. Listen uh we want to thank you guys for listening and please support the podcast by telling your friends spread the word it helps us get on social media uh also go to apple podcast and leave us a nice message and a five-star rating

and uh also we're doing a big push for our social media. Greg Fitzsimmons on Instagram. Follow me there. Follow Gibbons Time on his social media. He's always got good posts. I'm really only on Instagram. Yeah, sure. We want to thank Midcoast Media for doing a great job. Chris and Beth and Key and John, thank you.

We're going to see you guys this weekend at the show in St. Louis. I can't wait to hear about it. Are you live? Can I follow it live? No. No. No. Oh, God. All right.

Think about doing that. So that's what I want to plug for this week is St. Louis Grandel Theater, April 1st. See all of you people there. Oh, it's great. Anything you want to promote? Oh, I it's great anything you want to promote uh oh i did what did i want to promote um i forget gorillas i want to promote gorillas yeah i did want to promote something and i'm totally spacing on what it is oh geez someone sent me a clip i'm this is not I had in mind, but someone sent me a

YouTube video. It is a Black Sabbath in Paris in 1970. And listen, it's art. That's all I'm going to say, man, is I think, you know, historically you've always seen these clips of Paris because Paris was so hungry especially for jazz it was like send us your Coltrane send us your Billie Holiday like you know this new art and I think this it's weird to think of Sabbath this way but it was a new sound that had never been heard in the world coming out of northern England. And they're like, send us that. And the, uh, the thing about it with time, as you look back, it's the heavy, literally it's heavy metal. It's the heaviest sound in music ever with insecure lyrics. It's all about isolation and, uh, and depression. Paranoia. Yeah. And literally the, the, the, the song and the album, yeah. Paranoia. Yeah, and literally the song and the album,

yeah, paranoia. And anyway, check that out. It's on YouTube. That is amazing. Paris is like, you know, did you see Kendrick Lamar's special in Paris that came out last year? Oh, they're going crazy.

They're going fucking crazy, and they're singing every lyric. It's like a 20,000 seat arena and all these French people know every word of every song it's incredible and like eight or ten years before that uh I think they chose Paris to shoot their concert it was Jay-Z and Beyonce yeah and it was yeah they go there anyway but, I mean, from note one out of the gate, you're just like, this is extraordinary. I want you to watch Formula One, The Drive to Succeed, or I forget what it's called. But it's on Netflix.

Started watching it. It's phenomenal. Everybody's raving about it. It's this docuseries about Formula One racing. So watch that, and we'll talk about it next week. All right, I will. Well, I might not get to it, but I'm going to Florida and see my dad, and I'm going to have him watch whatever the golf one is.

I think it's done by the same producers. Right, right. But the Formula One one is better, people say. Yeah. Well, it was their first. They've only done one season of golf, right? I think so. And there's like six seasons of the F1.

Yeah, I think they probably didn't learn how to follow golf the best way or something, you know? Yeah. So we'll see how that goes. Anyway, yes. All right. That's it. But take it eesh, people. Take it eesh.

Well, it's Sunday morning again. Reading a paper with the best of friends. Mike will come totally unprepared. And Rick will be mentally impaired. It's the Sunday paper show.