Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 159 4/9/23

Episode Date: April 9, 2023

Happy Easter! Filipino men are nailing themselves to the cross to celebrate, a fake cop pulls over a real cop, and Kid Rock is done with Bud Light. A Dutch man has fathered 550 children with sperm donations, and now there is fear of incest in The Netherlands.

🎵 🎵 Wake up, it's Sunday. Early in the morning. Quit your yawning. Plug your phone in. Watch out for gubbins. He's huffing, puffing, cause his new clubs are coming. Float the sun and must must be running to the corner store to get me some papers. I need a blind date. Oh, we are recording. Okay, good. Here we go. I'm going to clap in. Three, two, one.

Okay. Clap three, two, one. Read all about it. Extra, extra. Coming from Louisville louisville kentucky and nashville tennessee this is the southern southern papers y'all southern sunday papers you're not that far from me right now i think nashville's two hours you guys after this podcast could get in the car and get to my show. Oh, we could leave here?

Yes. On Easter Sunday? Yeah. Happy Easter. Happy Easter, everybody. My mother's favorite thing in the world is to call me on Easter Sunday early and say, it's time to rise from the dead, just like Jesus did. She thinks that's hysterical. Yeah.

Okay. Well, you know, my wife is a Jew. And so this holiday, we've always had to split it. We share it. This is a joke I started doing when I first started dating my wife. My voice is fucking froggy this morning. You sound like me, yeah. This is a joke I used to do is we have to split the holiday because she's Jewish and I'm Irish. So in the morning, we go to her family's house

and we observe Passover. And then we go to my family's house and we observe them passing out. But then I had a second version of the joke, which was first we go to my family's house and we hide the Easter eggs. And then we go to her family's house and they try to

hide their disappointment i like that one yeah exactly but um yeah i'll be with my mom on easter in florida i'm flying in tomorrow we're we're recording this on saturday i'm flying in on sunday and i'm gonna have a nice easter dinner with her and her friends and then spend four days in Florida with her. Wow. Just me and mom. That's fantastic. Yeah, why not? I see you visiting your dad all the time and I'm like, why don't I visit my mom more?

Yeah, no, I am trying to get down there more for sure. Yeah, I don't want any regrets there. And listen, it's pretty nice to visit Florida. Visiting is the key, not living. I think the whole four days I'm going to be there, it's going to rain every day. That's what the forecast says. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's raining here. I mean, a lot of people are like, you know, Nashville definitely gets winters. It gets snow. Not a lot, but it gets it. But basically it's the muddy season. That's what winter is. Yeah. It's ridiculous. We saw a lot. Olivia and I were on that tour. So when, where was I? You were on a college tour. Right. I was in Florida about to embark on that. Yeah. So Olivia and I drove all over New England. And so we do all these college tours.

And do you remember those? What? Taking Owen on college tours? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Okay. So we do one tour of Wesleyan. And she was great. Don't get me wrong, but a freshman gave us the tour and it's like, you haven't even done one year yet here. You haven't even gotten

to finals like of your second semester. And also such of, by definition, the kids giving tours, such of by definition that kids giving tours you know are nerds uh and it's i mean there's don't get me wrong they're incredibly impressive every single one talked about you know obviously their experience there and then they're they're what they want to do in life and and at northeastern it was a senior who gave us a tour he He already had three job offers and, uh, and he, and he's going to wind up on wall street in New York. So, um, but they also have other jobs and I'm like, it's unbelievable. You have other jobs and you're, uh, you know, giving these tours, which are not short. And, uh, so anyway, but someone asked her, like, she was just such a nerd. And someone's like, uh, finally, asked her, like, she was just such a nerd. And someone's

like, uh, finally, like Olivia's like, we have to ask about the social scene here. Like, you know, how it is meeting other people, you know, all the parties. And so someone goes is, I mean, literally this, this was the question, the first question asked about it, because this was the vibe she was giving off. Finally, finally a parent goes so is this a dry campus and and she's like what do you mean so he gives her alcohol and literally she goes oh oh i mean if you're above 21 there is alcohol and it's like oh my god and you couldn't ask her about like so then finally someone goes well what about partying. So then finally someone goes, well, what about partying? Like, I mean, you know, are there parties in the dorms and everything?

And she's like, oh, if your question is, is there peer pressure to participate? Absolutely not. And it's like, oh, my God. Give me, I want to just pull over. Where's the kid who's still asleep? Take me to a dorm room where the kid is still asleep. Yeah, where's the coffee shop where the hungover kids come in for breakfast at one o'clock in the afternoon i want to talk to them

and and without fail every single uh male uh student that gave a tour was gay and like wildly impressive gay like in a million activities doing a million things. And again, that's not, that's not very representative of the average, you know, student experience at the school. I had a gay guy hit on me last night and he kept putting his arm around me. Come on. Yeah. It was kind of nice. It's nice to be hit on. Couldn't believe why you've changed you've grown a lot you've grown a lot he's good yeah i know he's he's uh he was a good looking young guy and

uh i don't know if he was impressed that i was a comedian or something or just you know louisville's not really like you know la so um so i fucked him So, um, so I fucked him. Mate, you have come a long way. Good for you. But the tour was good. You know, you know what? So I was at BU, our old stomping ground.

You didn't take the tour at BU. We didn't take it to, I gave her a little tour from the car basically. Yeah. And we drove out to BC as well. We had an official tour at Northeastern Man Northeastern has turned it around Oh it's like one of the hardest schools To get into in New England

Yeah it's very impressive And really hard to get into Wait so what happened I told you to get in touch with John Tobin Was reaching out to you He's a good friend of mine He's great I got in touch with uh john tobin was reaching out to you he's he's a good friend of mine he's great i got in touch with him it was like i mean we kind of didn't know our full schedule so

it was meanwhile we were in boston uh 24 hours so that that was all we had we arrived at night oh i took her oh go so i take i take a living we arrive at night we're staying in uh beacon hill and uh i take her to cheers where i used to work nice bull and finch tavern so i take her to cheers and we go down right and i'm looking around and you know it's it's kind of the same although they built a cheers above it in the hampshire house like this they built like the island bar you know the square bar because the bull and finch is not that it's just a little pub with a standard bar against a wall so anyway and we're looking around and i you know they still have like a lot of the clippings and i'm like he was he was the head

bartender you know this guy blah blah blah so anyway we get this waitress and we start talking to her and i mentioned i used to work there and she's just lights up and she's like oh my god so do you know you must have known like jimmy like he was the great we called him the grandpa of this place the guy started after i worked there like he he worked there for 30 years yeah that was after i worked oh my god i'm like jesus christ how fucking old am i right so meanwhile I you know I I kind of thought I knew my place in terms of how old I was but so the waitress was like uh and I and she's like so do you know Kathy up front she's the like she's been here forever and I'm like and

like no way like you know who knows so she goes and I'm an old timer here too she so the waitress had worked there 10 years and I like had to stop her. And I'm like, well, no, no, no. This is so long. I mean, I was a student when I worked here. I go, I worked here around 1988. She's like, ah, the year I was born. Did you ever have to break up any fights

when you worked there? No, we had to kick out Alex Trebek. No. That was one. that's amazing alex trebek liked to drink at least then and um he uh i think was getting in an altercation or maybe was talking to a patron longer than the patron wanted him to something like that i don't want to bad mouth alex trebek and he kind of understood the drill but we had to like kind of take him by the arm and and and he didn't resist really and walk him out i love when you're such an alcoholic that getting thrown out is just like yep just standard i know the drill What is get the fuck out of here?

What is sexual harassment? What is no meant no the fourth time she said it? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But did you ever see the clip of him interviewing a girl and she's talking about there's a certain type of music. She's got a group of friends and they all listen to this kind of music. And it's it's kind of like soul.

It's soulful. And it's like got self-help in it. I forget how she described the music. And he goes, he goes, they sound like losers. And she goes, no No we're nice people It was so fucking funny Oh my god That is really funny

So I had an amazing birthday You missed it You missed my birthday You were away I didn't forget it You did text me at the 11th hour literally almost midnight No that's not true at all.

We have the receipts. I have them. Do you want to know the timestamp? Yeah, give me the timestamp. I thought it was at the very end of the night. You think it's in the AM? I want to hear you. You think it's in the AM or the PM?

I think it's in the PM for sure. Happy birthday, kid kid from Boston. Can you see the timestamp in the AM? Wow. Yeah, but 1140 AM, which is 240 PM in Boston. Which is what? 240 PM in Boston when you sent it. Oh, it's 1140 in Boston. 2.40 p.m. in Boston when you sent it. Oh, it's 11.40 in Boston?

Okay, all right, all right. Yeah. You did it. So it's, what is it, 7.40 in LA? Wow, wow. So you might have been the first. So I get up, I get breakfast in bed. God, I'm really bad at math, 8.40. I get breakfast in bed from the family.

They all got me presents, and it was very nice. And then I went off and I interviewed. My 1,000th episode of Fitz Dog Radio is next week. Not this week, but next week. It's a very big deal, so I wanted to do a special thing. I'm not revealing who the guest is yet. You know who it is. And what I did was um

should i even say it's a big star it's a big star and a very dear friend of both of us and maybe one of the funnest human beings in the in the country so he came on and he did something very different on the podcast we did something very different and and it was i was so buzzed from it i just came out of there and i was like in such a good mood i'm driving down la cienega and my friend richie calls me up to wish me happy birthday and i answer and you know sometimes if you answer the phone and you do it on your phone instead of on your car dashboard the call goes to your phone instead of the intercom so i'm on the phone and i'm literally holding it up trying to send it to my car and then fucking police siren comes on no and the cop goes he was such a douchebag because it went off and i

didn't know i did anything wrong so i'm'm like literally pointing to myself. And he's like, yeah, that's right. It's you. Turn your wheel to the right. There you go. And now pull over. And I'm like, oh, fuck this guy. And so he comes up to my window and he tells me I was on the phone or whatever. I'm not going to fight.

I was on my phone. So he writes up the ticket and then he comes back and he hands me the ticket and I go, aren't you forgetting something? And he goes, what? I go, to wish me a happy birthday? And he goes, oh my God. He goes, the other guy wrote it up. I would have noticed. He goes, hold on. hold on and he walks away and then he comes back and he goes all right now that i'm off the camera he goes you're gonna contest this through the mail and you're gonna win happy birthday and i go thanks brother and and he walked away i was like yeah yeah and then i and then i went stopped in at starbucks ordered my drink and then i mentioned it was my birthday. Free coffee! And then I went, and my son got me a massage certificate for my birthday. I went and I got one of the best massages of my life. It was incredible.

Got back. Where was that? The massage place on Main Street right near you in Santa Monica. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Oh, well, the key to those places is finding a good name in there lucy lucy yeah okay uh and then uh i played doubles paddle tennis with pete scott and his girlfriend liz and owen uh it was a we had a blast uh we won and then we went to a dinner at this place called uh wallflower on Rose, which everybody's been telling me about.

Had a great dinner. Then we went to the brig, and we met up with a ton of friends. Tom O'Neill came out, and Nick, and Josh, and Rachel, and Cass. And me and JoJo got in with her fake ID, and we shot pool, and me and JoJo ran the table for a little while and she was just like you she was just like she was having so she felt like such a big deal being in a bar playing pool because she she was so nervous to play and then the guys we played with were these awesome og venice dudes she knew one of them from the skate park like knew of him she always would watch him skate And it was just such

It was such a great night It was awesome Good for you man That's a good day and night That sounds amazing Yeah And then you got your birthday Pete Scott's staying in my place by the way

Oh that's right And your birthday's in two days What do you got planned for your birthday? You gonna be back? My birthday I'm coming back the next morning. So I'm here. At Starbucks, I have to remember to get my coffee the day before.

So when I signed up for Facebook, right, you know, way back. I don't know when it was. When everyone did, I guess. 2005. I don't even know when. I was probably a few years late. And so I sign up and it's like, all right, here's this, you know when I was probably a few years late. And so I sign up and it's like, uh, all right, here's this, you know, and it's still kind of new. I'm like, Oh, here's

this big social media site. Uh, what's your name? What's your address? What's your birthday? I'm like, go fuck yourself. What am I just going to like invite everyone to steal my identity? So I remember I'm like, all right, I'll bump up my birthday, um, like down one and I'll put my year down one or something like, like, so I, so anyway, my real birthday is on the 11th, but in Facebook I put the 10th. Well, fast forward to you use Facebook to sign up for everything. So I would say more than half of the organizations out there send me happy birthday, Mike, on the 10th. And, uh, and I always have to remember to go get that free Starbucks on the 10th. Yeah. It's pretty sweet. Um, and then, uh, went to a Dodgers game

this past weekend and, uh And it got great seats. Fucking this guy, what's his name? Thompson. Hits a home run. And then a three-run home run. And then a grand slam. What? It was phenomenal.

I don't even know how I missed it. Yeah, it was phenomenal. It was like the second game of the season. And then Kershaw was pitching. And it's just so great watching him throw the ball uh had a blast um that was the good part of the week the bad part of the week was um Aaron was trying to fill a prescription and they denied her said we had no coverage and it turns out I've been on Cobra with the Writers Guild health insurance and it fucking ran out.

And nobody told me. So I am officially eight days into the month, we have no health insurance. What? Yep. So we have to be very careful, the whole family. I told Owen and Jojo, no sports, no fucking drinking and driving this weekend. Like, don't fuck up at all we cannot afford something going wrong yeah no doubt jesus uh it's so screwed up that we don't have universal

health care it's ridiculous i pay three thousand dollars a month for health insurance with the writers guild cobra so now we gotta yeah and so now I've got to find Anthem Blue Cross insurance, which the good thing about the Writers Guild is it covers everything and there's a low deductible. How boring is this? Anyway, so that fucked up yesterday, trying to get new health insurance. Anybody have any tips on health insurance? Send them in.

Fitzdogradio at gmail.com you're probably gonna get people writing in which i don't know what it is but about that independent worker uh insurance or at least in california oh yeah something like that really something like that yeah oh that'd be good and then uh what else do people talk about i wonder wonder, you know that organization if you were in the armed forces? Her father was in the armed forces, and I think we might be eligible for that. Well, I know there's very good rates on car insurance and things like that. I'm wondering about health insurance. I don't know.

Yeah. But yeah, if your parent was in it, I think it applies. I don't know yeah um but yeah if your parent was in it i think i think it applies i don't know it's so crazy we have to scramble like that for health care i know stay healthy that's the solution um yeah so you're in nashville what's going on in nashville these days holy well you said you watched some of the proceedings when they were excelling? I just watched the speech of one of the young—is he a congressman? Representative, yeah. There's two—so three of them spoke. It was the two guys who were black and the older white woman.

And this is the U.S. Congress? These are congressmen this is state level state okay state level state level here and you know here i'll just i i put i i so i could be a little more articulate i cut in the uh story here in the wake of the school uh shooting in nashville that left six people dead actually left seven people dead three democratic lawmakers took to the floor of the republican controlled tennessee house chamber last week to rally for stricter gun control on thursday two of the lawmakers representative justin jones and justin pearson were expelled

from the house a dramatic act of political retribution but the third lawmaker representative gloria johnson survived so when you're watching this i'm watching it and tennesseans i'm watching it with are like mortified right and and a lot of the representatives said that like this is embarrassing the whole country's watching us and um and but i'm like because two of those guys those two guys are black yeah but but it really shouldn't be about race. It really should be about this super majority of the Republicans just dominating. And if there's a super majority of Democrats dominating, that's equally as wrong. It's like they can't even be heard.

And so that's how this whole thing started last week is they came in there and then the the the republicans were basically like okay next order of business and and they were talking about the school shooting and there were thousands of protesters in in the chamber and outside and you could hear their chants like like a ton of them and they're like wait wait we're moving forward business as usual. Like, no, no. And then they cut their mics. And so that's why they had the loud horn and all that stuff. So the mega, the megaphone. So anyway, one of the guys though brings it. So it's such a drastic move. I don't want to get too bogged down in it, but it was such a drastic move. Like it's only happened twice, I think since the civil war that they voted someone out. And then one of the guys got up there and said for years, cause they didn't break any law. And it was like 20 or 30

seconds while they were still in session that they were chanting and like, and demanded to be heard. So anyway, in defending himself, the guy goes, for years, one of your colleagues who was an admitted child molester sat in this chamber, no expulsion. One member sits in this chamber who was found guilty of domestic violence, no expulsion. We had a former speaker sit in this chamber who is now under federal investigation, no expulsion. We have a member still under federal investigation no expulsion and this is my favorite part we had one member pee in another member's chair in this chamber no expulsion that's how you mark territory in the house yeah i like that and what they were being expelled for was speaking before being recognized okay that's what they were being that's what they were expelled for but can you imagine

the republicans made every wrong move and i literally picture a scene like out of the movie network um if you haven't seen network top five move it never leaves my top five but anyway where the nra are like you fucking morons like when the shooting happened we flew our top guys to you and gave you the playbook the playbook is wait till the fucking kids are in the ground and just placate placate and then it disappears and it will it's on the front page three days maybe the first two days and then the day the kids are buried and then it's never on the front page again and you fucked it up like it is now on the front page the kids are already in the fucking ground he's like you only had three dead kids do you know how easy this

should have been we're dealing with 25 dead kids in other cities and we get through it and it's just business as usual and i just imagine that meeting where these fucking stupid republicans did every wrong move and then it's like three of them are up and they're like ah maybe we should keep one which one do you think we should keep how about about the white one? Yeah, Jesus. They're just such idiots. All right, let's get to thanking somebody for the logo. First of all, last week's logo, George from Germany, GS Artworks, did a logo that people were raving about. He nailed it.

I mean, if we ever land on a permanent logo, that might be one of them in the running. I mean, if we ever land on a permanent logo, that might be one of them in the running. This week's comes from Eric Chirilanzio, who is from Bull Roar, which is another podcast you guys should check out. Oh, nice. In honor of the Masters. It's us dressed as a couple of golfers.

The song, Be Bixel. I don't know the Masters that well. What's the snake? No, I don't think That's the Masters But it is us golfing I'm not sure What that serpent is That's eating your head But I like it

Yeah Bixle Put together A fucking Flowing A flowing Rhymey Yeah

Almost like a Reggae Calypso Sounded Rap It was very cool good words good words good lyrics good words uh corrections coming in from rick schwartz hi greg just a quick note on this week's sunday papers you use the term jet blonde to refer to your friend with very blonde hair jet can only be used to describe very black hair.

Jet refers to the color of a type of coal. So Jet Blonde would be not blonde. It's also probably why Jet Magazine was so named, although they officially say it's related to the speed of information they were trying to send to the black community. If your friend's hair was so blonde so as to border on white,

you could use the term towel-headed. You're doing a great job. Keep it up, dudes. Your pal, Rick Schwartz. Okay? All right. Denman just updated. For your logo,

the course is Innisbrook Copperhead Course in Palm Harbor, Florida. Very well done. Look at Denman on the fucking job is it a giant real size miniature guy like like a giant miniature golf where they have a serpent like that yeah that you have to hit the ball through uh around it do you know there's a this is a tv show of celebrities playing miniature golf? Like, how easy is it to sell a fucking game show these days? Not that easy, apparently.

You don't have health insurance. Right. I know. I just sold a game show, but it's not Writers Guild. Dates coming up. I'll be at the Mohegan Sun sun casino this weekend april 13th through 15 that's in connecticut levity live and oxnard april 22nd grand comedy and escondido which is april 28th and 29th the rec room in huntington may 12th blue note in columbia missouri may 19th

argosy casino in kansas city may 20th and then I'll be at the Mothership, Joe Rogan's room in Austin, Texas, May 25th to the 27th. And Laugh Boston, June 16th through 17th. Go to FitzDawg.com, get some tickets, come out and see some live comedy, people. That's fantastic. That's busy schedule, dude. Yeah.

That is a busy spring. Well, I take the summers off usually, so I try to pack it in before the summer. Good for you. Well, you go to clubs in the summer and there's nobody there. They're all at the beach or at the pool. All right. You got a paper for the crinkle?

You know, there are papers here. Hold on. Let there are papers here. Hold on. Let me disrupt something here. Let me just grab like her home mortgage statement. This is an invoice. Here we go. Let's do it.

Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Extra! All right. Front page. Happy Easter, everybody. And Filipinos are celebrating

more than anybody. Filipinos nailed to crosses despite church objection. Eight Filipinos were nailed to crosses to reenact Jesus Christ's suffering in a gory Good Friday tradition that draws thousands of devotees and tourists to the Philippines, despite being rejected by the Catholic Church. The real life crucifixions in the farming village of San Pedro Cudud resumed after a three year pause due to the coronavirus pandemic. About a dozen villagers registered but only eight

men participated including 60 including 62 year old sign painter ruben and yahey who has who was nailed to a wooden cross for the 34th time in san pedro cadude uh in a news conference answer at this point do you think the palms of his hands are like piercings do you think this created a hole and they just just slides it through the nail now his grandkids are giving him like decorative like you know those ear those giant ear things and it is you can jerk off without even closing his fingers. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. What is it?

He puts both of them. He can use both of them right through the holes. Oh, my God. In a news conference shortly after his brief crucifixion, and Yahe said he prayed for the eradication of the COVID-19 virus and the end of Russia's invasion of Ukraine, which has contributed to gas and food prices soaring worldwide. So it sounds like he really did for lower gas and food prices. How high is the gas? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

And you know, Jesus, you know, Jesus is watching this for him from heaven. And he's like, guys, guys, trying to forget the traumatic torture that killed me. Stop with the necklaces and the wall hangings of my torturous death. I like that they took a three year pause because of COVID. Like, yeah, you got you have to be safe. Yeah, right. You got to be safe, guys. I think the hardest part was trying to find a Filipino woman to play his mother who was a virgin.

Oh, wow. What? All right. What? Collateral damage. What happened? Innocent bystander. Stray shot goes into the crowd.

I've been watching too much. It's a slut. I've been watching too much X hamster lately. Oh, my God. All right. What do we got next story? Philip Andrew Hamilton, a Republican candidate running for the Virginia State Senate, says schools simply must be indoctrinating children and poisoning their minds because his own 13-year-old child is a non-binary

bisexual. Quote, I found out later on last year that the problem was much worse than just being bisexual. She came out and said, well, I'm no longer being identified as a she i'm a they them it infuriates me to this day that the public education system has poisoned the mind of my own daughter yeah it's still daughter yeah well no he's they said that he keeps miss miss uh identifying her and he said she came out and said, I'm a they, them. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, I walked in on them and another them kissing and fingering each other.

That class at the school has to be dropped. You know, I highly doubt Mr. Hamilton thought the pronouns were worse than his daughter being bisexual. I just have a feeling that the pronouns are the icing on the cake. Although maybe he hated it because now it sounds like he has more than one bi child. He's got a crowd.

They're bi, my kid, they're bi. Yeah. Yeah, and I think if they asked them if they would vote for their father, they'd probably be like, nah, I'm more of an independent, not really a member of either party. Yeah, exactly. A two-party system, you know, binary. Yeah, I'm a member of both parties.

A Michigan man was arrested this week after authorities said he posed as a cop and unwittingly attempted to pull over an off-duty police officer. Christian Mansour, 18, of Macomb Township, who is not a police officer, was driving a BMW and flashed red and blue lights during an attempted traffic stop on an officer who was off the clock. He claimed he was a Detroit police officer, asked him for identification, and he claimed he needed to retrieve it from his car. He went back to his car and drove away. The off-duty officer followed Mansour to a trailer park in a community about eight miles away but lost sight of the bmw how do you lose sight of a bmw at a trailer park the whole trailer park must have been like what is this car doing here i mean if it was a volvo with four with a different fender than the trunk

then uh maybe it would fit in and you'd miss it what do you think his game is was he looking for bribes than the trunk, then maybe it would fit in and you'd miss it. What do you think his game is? Was he looking for bribes? I wish the officer, the off-duty officer, pulled over. I didn't question him, you know what I mean, so quickly. Well, maybe he just identifies as a cop. I mean, maybe this isn't illegal.

And also, a Detroit cop? Like, did he just see the movie beverly hills cop like that's the whole premise is an out-of-town detroit cop yeah right i mean they're in michigan still but uh next he's gonna pose as a robo cop. Yeah. He's just going to go through every cop movie. I'm Columbo. I'm Kojak. Yeah. It turns out this is like he's an Internet prankster. And this is his thing. This is his bit that he does. Unbelievable. Oh, all right. Other news. We put this in late but did you so you haven't seen kid rock shooting bud light no all right so i come across it right it's a video and it's going viral and kid rock is standing there and he goes and he goes quote grandpa's feeling a little frisky today let me say something to all you and be as clear and concise as possible. He then uses what looks like a semi-automatic rifle to shoot at and destroy three 12 packs

of Bud Light that he has set up, you know, in front of the river, like on a picnic table. And then he goes, fuck Bud Light and fuck Anheuser-Busch. Have a terrific day. And then walks off. And I'm'm like what the hell was just that but the comments are hysterical and you do see as soon as he turns and starts shooting another shooter off camera this is like all of a sudden this is a pruder film there's another shooter off camera with a machine gun shooting the Bud Light cans as well. And Kid Rock doesn't even hit one of them. There's only three of them.

He doesn't even hit one of them. And so then you find out that it's they're upset. He's upset. Also, Travis Tritt made all these statements that he's removing them from the hospitality rider and all his, you know, events. And they're upset with Bud Light for hiring Dylan Mulvaney, a trans TikToker with 10 million followers who also partnered with Kate Spade. And she was interviewed Joe Biden at the White House. Anyway, Bud Light hired her as a spokesperson. That's all that happened. Well, and he's shooting very violently with what i don't know guns i mean it's basically a machine gun to me that's like you know a million rounds a second

and uh yeah that's what he that's his reaction and and he thinks and he thinks the people that drink bud light are gonna stop drinking bud light. Nothing will stop a Bud Light drinker from drinking Bud Light. It's what you do. It's just you were raised to do it. I mean, I know Bud Light drinkers. They're fucking religious. You can offer them a Heineken, and they'll say no. Shane Gillis.

Shane Gillis drinks like three six packs Of that shit a day I'm down here And I was with Our buddy Hoffman Wheeler Walker yesterday And he said you know that's interesting Because he has a very

Popular bar Here in town Kid Rock does Kid Rock This could be you know hundreds of thousands here in town. Who does? Kid Rock does. Really? Kid Rock. Yeah, like, so this could be, you know, hundreds of thousands of dollars. Like, if he kicks Anheuser-Busch out of his bar,

for instance, but who knows if he'll do that? As you said, they're such loyal drinkers. This is so crazy. I mean, what's the problem? But how is it bothering you that much? I mean, it's just a trans person there's not like it's not like you could should they be banned from jobs also it's like uh he sees the trans thing or he reads he's like oh fuck bud light hey go run out and buy as much bud light as you can go right now i'm gonna shoot him like the first thing he does is support bed light

you know who else is really outraged by this is kid rock's next door neighbor who was ducking fucking bullets all afternoon oh shit that's ridiculous all right let's get to good news for gubb, yeah. Here we go. So so Dennis, as we all know, had knee surgery. He got a new knee put in and he's finally back on his feet. He can't play golf, but he was kind enough to get stoned out of his mind and then walk the course with the rest of us last Thursday and proceed to be so annoying. All he did was, like, tell people how to hit. He's telling me, your stance is lined up,

so you're pointing to the right. And then, you know, yelling us for not gambling and then saying, hey, how come these guys aren't waving us up? It was like, Dennis, you're not even in the, you're not even in the game. So when I saw a swing of his, that was just, he decided novelty to take one, one drive. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Yeah. He had a couple, but I also saw him in the cart too. Yeah. I think he's back now. I think they like the car, the Penmar only has one golf cart and it's a handicap cart. I also saw him in the cart too. Yeah, I think he's back now. I think they, like the cart, Penmar only has one golf cart and it's a handicap cart. And I guess that he's got a placard and so they let him take the cart out and he's very excited. With golfers, it's always their front knee

that gets like very, they need operations and all. I imagine the front knee is tortured in golf if you're really playing you know aggressively uh you mean like if you're righty your left knee yeah um I don't know I never thought of that oh it's the I think with Tiger Woods too it's the craziest pivot that's why they say to flare it out a little bit because yeah you were turning but your foot and all your weight almost all your weight is on your front leg right on the follow you know and you're turning right right all right and you're and you're practically wearing cleats and you're

stuck in the ground anyway whatever but i'm wondering because gubbins is doing his left knee soon and uh i think he's only done his right. And I wonder if it's a longer comeback. Jesus. Probably. We wish him luck. Hopefully. Good luck, Dennis.

Yeah. All right, let's get to entertainment. You got it, pal. All right. all right so uh very excited succession is back and i i gotta tell you something it is as good as any season they've had it's so fucking strong don't spoil it how many have there been three is the fourth one tonight um no i think third okay so i went to watch succession and i and i delayed it till uh two nights ago and i started why and also i'm like keep in mind this is one of my favorite shows and i'm like what the what is going on and i'm like wait a minute what and so i'm like all right hold on let me go back to the last episode of season three and reacquaint myself. I'm like, what? I haven't seen this. And it's like when

you fall asleep to a book and you're like, how many pages do I have to go back before I remember and recognize? But it turned out for some reason, I guess I was binging caught up and I didn't finish. Like I, it's not that i'm not forgetting i did not finish season three so i went back and i watched a gift oh man the mom's wedding yeah it's such a dark show where he out maneuvers the kids once again yeah but i do want to do a cut i'm gonna i'm gonna ruin part of succession for you if i was still in late night i would do a cut. I'm going to ruin part of Succession for you. If I was still in late night, I would do a bit called Succession with five-star transportation. And it is so much black sedans to a private jet,

black sedans to a helicopter, helicopter to unbelievable Mercedes vans. How like it's and how about the boats how about the speedboat and the boats to the island and unbelievable boats it's like first class transportation it's like you could cut a montage and just it eventually speeds up and is rapid fire and you're like it's unbelievable how much of that this show shows. Dude, the budget on that show and how beautiful was the cinematography over in Italy? It was amazing. Yeah, it's pretty great. I think that's what they've been doing, right?

Italy's very hot right now in TVs and movies. Oh, I just saw The Talented Mr. Ripley, which was shot in Italy. I mean, I'd seen it before, but I wanted to show it to my kids. Blew their fucking minds. They were like, Dad, that is one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life. First of all, the cast. Matt Damon, Philip Seymour Hoffman. What's your name?

The skier. The skier? Gwyneth? Gwyneth Paltrow. That's what we call her now. Okay. Gwyneth Paltrow that's what we call her now okay Gwyneth Paltrow uh what's his name oh who's the guy who's so gorgeous uh British Jude Law Jude Law just a guess dude Jude Law is is I mean I'm not gay but besides the guy I fucked last night I would drive deep into into jude law he was gorgeous he got then really beefy i think uh maybe on your podcast years ago we talked about it

he plays a thug like a uh organized crime guy and he's with he's without his shirt A lot of it And he's a really scrappy blue collar And he really beefed up And I'm like, oh no, dude You kind of ruined your look Your look is like this genteel And in that, just upper class You know, anyway Yeah, he looked like Sting He still got it i guess he looks like sting in

his prime right right right and uh but anyway check that movie out if you haven't seen it in a while it's just what a great script just a brilliant script yeah i don't remember much i mean i know the premise i don't remember much about it um it's got some characters that are just so philip seymour hoffman when he enters the movie he has an entrance like no character i don't even remember he's in it so i have to see oh yeah you gotta see it gotta see it i won't ruin it um a little bit of uh dave by the way dave came back oh no shit really and then i heard the trailer was i heard there's a trailer someone told me and there's a very funny scene where uh dave's sitting there and i have not seen it so i'm probably massacring this but a guy comes in like a pa with coffee and he's like coffee for jew coffee for jew

and dave keeps leading forward and he's like looking around because he thinks that's what the guy's calling him coffee for jew and then an asian guy comes and goes oh thanks that's my coffee that's hilarious all right or the or it turns out that the pa is Mexican and he's just saying coffee for you. It could be that. Little drama with Jason Sudeikis and Olivia Wilde. They're in the middle of custody proceedings. Wilde has formally requested that Sudeikis start paying child support,

saying she has borne the lion's share of the expenses for their children everybody acts like rich people act like you know a child costs a million dollars a day they're not that fucking expensive um according to court docs riled is claiming to have over 107000 in monthly expenses, including $60,000 in rent. What the fuck is she renting for $60,000? In addition to $4,000 in laundry and cleaning, she also told the court she makes $40,000 a month in salary and $60,000 from wild company income and rental property income. She has 10

million in assets. She says she's bearing 100% of the cost of the children's care when they are with me, including their food, clothing, and childcare, extracurricular activities, and transportation costs, though Jason does split the cost of tuition all right so he's splitting the school and he's paying for everything when they're with him how is that not equal that's the same amount of money also i'm surprised he makes more than her or that she's claiming that yes i'm surprised also film director now right i'm surprised by that as well so what is she claiming she makes a hundred thousand so she's claiming she makes 1.2 million dollars yeah i think she makes a lot more than yes isn't she like a model also

yep yep or she does it all doesn't she endorse products yep um reach for comment jason said well child support is a lot like a tip jar at a starbucks if you don't put any money in and they give you attitude then you can just they can just go fuck themselves i was trying to do uh i was trying i was trying to do I was trying to do His character from What's that stupid Fucking show he's on Yeah yeah yeah Ted Lasso

Ted Lasso I was gonna Cause I was gonna say Sue Dacus wasn't in Forrest Gump But that's what That character is He's a

He's a slightly more Intelligent Forrest Gump That's what that character is You could fill he's a slightly more intelligent forest gump that's what that character is you could feel you could fill two internets with what i don't know about this cunt ted lasso's got a little edgy uh i don't know i don't have you seen ted lasso Have you seen Ted Lasso? I think you saw Sling Blade. $4,000 in laundry and cleaning a month.

Is she claiming she's mentally handicapped? Is she OCD? How many times is she cleaning these towels yeah right he's not responsible for that four thousand and cleaning is a thousand dollars a week i mean if you had if you had a house cleaner five days a week what do you pay them 150 bucks a day well i mean it's obviously depending on how many beds and rooms and all that rugs jesus whatever make it 500 a day who cares that's insane yeah all right it's time to make make america florida here we go Here we go.

Maybe she is OCD. So every time she checks the stove, she has to have someone clean the handle that she touched. That adds up. Okay. I just love this headline. Naked, greased up Florida man accused of breaking into two homes, comma, jumping in pool. That's a great headline. Deputies said they responded around 2 a.m. to a report of a burglary and encountered the suspect identified as 34-year-old Blake Tokman.

The Volusia County Sheriff's Office said Tokman smashed out a window to break into one home then left and broke into another house deputies said they encountered tokeman at the second house body worn camera video released by the sheriff's office shows tokeman running from the deputy jumping in a pool then climbing out of the pool and jumping onto a trampoline yeah you know what say what you will about florida men they have fun you know if you're if you're about to sit in jail for a year or two go out with a bang make you make you make the most of your remaining time how exciting is this story that the greased up thing isn't even detailed like the grease what about the grease stop part yeah where did that come into play i think he greased up because he's like all right i'm gonna be running from the cops uh when i dive in the pool i want to i want to slide through the

water i want to i want to grease up so i can make my escape yeah why are you naked sir well i didn't want to grease up my clothes you know how hard those stains are to get out? I think swimmers grease up. I seem to remember that. Was he trying to break his personal best time in a stranger's pool? Oh, my God. He was going to wear the new long bathing suits, you know, for the aerodynamic. It just makes me.

Florida man always makes me realize I am just not pushing myself hard enough. I am not exploring all the possibilities life has to offer. I'm complacent. I know. Yeah, it really is. and the restraint down there I mean they must have just wanted to shoot at this guy oh yeah uh all right we're moving on to sports let's get to sports yes your favorite tournament the masters does i put this story in trees fall near spectators oh yeah so i saw these had like

these huge trees were down and i was wondering, trees fall near spectators at Augusta National during Masters second round. Three trees fell near the 17th hole during the second round of the Masters at Augusta, sending Patriots scattering with play ultimately suspended for the day due to weather. Tournament officials confirmed that nobody was injured and that the trees had been blown over by heavy winds well they were strong trees keep in mind they probably supported hanging bodies back when the master's uh location was a slave plantation with slave quarters on the grounds it had to be said strange it had to be said going hard at the masters had to be said. Going hard at the Masters. Come on. They're just trying to play some golf. That's all they want to do.

I think it turned out it was Ellen Nordgren, Tiger's ex-wife. She's just in a rage. In a rage. Chasing after Tiger, swinging clubs. Yeah. He's in it, but I think he's not doing too well. I don't even know if he qualified for the weekend. Does he?

Oh, yeah, okay. But he's invited every – if you won, you're invited no matter what? Yeah, if you've won it in the past, you're invited forever. I think if you won the U.S. Open, you're always invited. I think any of the majors. So my cousin got excluded because he's not not my cousin denny mccarthy is one of the top golfers on the tour but he's not he's yet to win a tournament and so sometimes these these tournaments are invitationals and they go by who's won but he's often in the top 10

he just has he just hasn't closed yet so hopefully this year he'll win some tournaments um model olivia colpo who's fucking gorgeous by the way and nfl star christian mcafree are engaged the former miss universe 30 posted a series of romantic photographs on her instagram account uh the photos show the san franc 49ers star 26 taking a knee to propose while Culpo has a look of joyous shock yeah when he took a knee to propose Tucker Carlson called him part of the woke mob

oh wow Christian Jordan Tiger made the cut oh there we go good oh ratings they need it every tournament wants mackinrow used to realize his power you know that he was the draw in terms of tv so whenever he thought something was wrong and often he was on the right side of issues i found he would say that i'm not going to play your tournament and uh they'd be like well no no no no no no you know oh really and i mean oh yeah and tiger in this uh of course i mean he probably legitimately legitimately made the cut but they

have to be thrilled yes um he has it could become it could become the story and then everyone's going to be watching towards the end you know or at least they'll triple their ratings for sure well the masters were it was when he went his first major he was 19 years old and it was one of the most exciting he blew blew the field away and when he was 19 and then he had his accident and everything went wrong oh no not his accident he had the divorce with the wife and then he had his accident and everything went wrong oh no no not his accident he had the divorce with the wife and then he went down the shitter and then he finally made a comeback and his comeback was at the masters i think it was in like 2016 i want to say yeah chris was in 2016 where he came back and won the masters. I'm going to say 18.

And how many Masters did he win in his prime? Five. You don't hesitate. And you really think it's five? It was 2019. And how many Masters did he win, Chris? He's checking. Let's see if Greg goes 0 for 2 it's like well it's like it's like

if well i wasn't counting 2019 i was counting before but it doesn't matter we'll see i can't believe it was 2019 that he came back jesus i know really it was much more recent yeah five is Five is correct. Thank you very much. I don't think so. Because I asked how many did he win in his prime? The answer seems to be four. I didn't hear the in his prime. I heard how many Masters did he win. All right. All right, let's get to International.

Yes, we will. A serial sperm donor. This is you, buddy. A serial sperm donor. That sounds like somebody that jerks off in his cornflakes. Who has fathered 550 children is being sued amid accusations his prolific donations i think i'm a prolific donator also i've never done it for money uh increases the risk of accidental incests the netherlands donnerkork foundation is taking jonathan jacob me Meyer to court to stop him from donating sperm and accuses him of lying about the number of children he has fathered.

Yeah, the incest, the incest is going to happen because think about it. Everyone's narcissistic and everyone thinks they're good looking. And if they see somebody that looks like them they're going to be attracted to them so brothers and sisters are fucking all over amsterdam right now they're baked they're like man you got a great facial structure great nose beautiful eyes they all look the same there how would they even tell it's already a pretty close looped gene pool yeah right jonathan jacob meyer it sounds isn't it schmidt shouldn't that be added to the name what's that jingle jingle heimer schmidt his name is my name too and whenever we go out you can hear the people shout there goes john

jacob jingle heimerheimer. Where is that from? What's that from? Yeah. You tell me. You just sing the whole thing. It's one of those things where it was a recessed memory, like being fingered by my uncle. It's down there and it's affecting me, but I have never really remembered it. And every time you do remember it you start singing

a cereal spray a cereal spum it sounds like the lucky charms guy is just jacking off into into little sample cups all right let's get to this day in history wow yeah what do we got you didn't have anything in there when we started the podcast what do we got you didn't have anything in there when we started the podcast what do you got now we got easter jesus christ i can't even tell you much about easter gone for three days and then a rock was put against a cave where his body was buried. And his body then was witnessed flying up into heaven. Was it witnessed or was it just missing?

Maybe it was just coyotes. They probably have footage. It was a UFO. It was a UFO. But the footage was just released. Yes. It's a little grainy. It was in Area 51.

But Jesus rose from the dead. the footage was just released. Yes. It's a little grainy. It was an area 51. Um, but Jesus rose from the dead. Uh, it's pretty amazing. And, uh, he was killed on Friday, right?

He was killed on Friday, which is a good Friday. So how was it three days? Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Yeah. Well,

I guess maybe it was in the morning on friday and maybe maybe they didn't check the cave until sunday night i mean don't try to poke holes in this story mike i i don't know i mean and the rock was moved there was a big rock so he couldn't do this but okay i gotta go back so wait why was the rock there because people believed you got to go back. So wait, why was the rock there? Cause people believed you got to put a rock on that. Okay. We, we crucified at least three guys that day. Right.

Were there two guys next to him? Yeah. Well, all right. Well, there was Barabbas was up there, but then they, they let him down,

but then there was a couple of, I should have, I didn't know we were going here. I would have done research. I apologize. So they crucified at least three guys. And what was the thinking? Okay, listen.

Yeah, that grave, that can even be a shallow grave. That one? No, no, he can fly. So you got to put a big rock on top of that one? I mean, was that the conversation? Yeah, I think it's very possible. Well, first of all, I think according to legend, the other two guys, they used ropes to attach them to the cross.

And with Jesus, they nailed his hand. But then one of the flaws they say with that is if you were to nail a hand into a cross, the bones all run vertically in the hand. And that eventually it would have ripped through and he would have fallen down. Well, he had the support through the legs. He had the leg support. But it's possible also maybe he wasn't fully dead. They put him in the cave. He fucking pushes that rock out, disappears, shaves his beard and is like, fuck this Messiah shit.

And he lived the rest of his life as like a fisherman In Nazarea Yeah With John the Baptist who was an amazing fisherman The best Yeah I have to look this up I have to look I have to look up the Easter story

Because what happened is we're just fed it as kids I mean you wonder why i mean up till recently especially but there was a dominance of irish and jewish right forget that we're white irish and jewish writers like not many protestants even in those rooms and it's like well you're talking about tv writing in hollywood TV writing in Hollywood, comedy writers. Yeah. Yeah. Comedy writers.

It's like, well, we grew up with the fucking craziest stories ever that were fed to us as truth. Yeah. Also, what does a bunny have to do with eggs? I mean, I know these are the oldest premises, but it is truly an absurd upbringing. What's the deal with that? Yeah. Who are these people who believe in Easter eggs coming out of rabbits? Yeah.

But also, yeah, is Chris looking up? Was it three days? He was killed on Good Friday. Come on, Chris. You were doing great in the first half. Did the Ritalin run out? Also, crucifixion was standard operating procedure by the Romans if you were a rebel.

Open and check. Jesus was not special. Right. It happened to all of them. And I i thought they did they not nail them also don't you suffocate eventually even if your hands are tied out to your sides and you're hanging i think there's something like that why would you suffocate not a good way to go it's not a good way to go now all right but i do want to know the thinking of putting the rock on the grave all right what do we got letters Do some letters to the editor.

Died Friday, rose Sunday. That's what Chris has down. Okay. Elizabeth Brown, who's a friend of the show, wrote in and said, Was there a time you were going to do a dating show for Dennis? I thought some ladies did sign up. Was curious what happened. Yeah, whatever happened with that?

Didn't we have a we had a few women that responded to dating dennis dennis got married yeah it worked he's a happily married man now with all his needs met yeah i don't know what happened with that but um whoever's swiping right on dennis you gotta you got some good times ahead also for words that you can say different ways like advertisement or advertisement my favorite is and you have to say it out loud orang orangutan orangutan a friend told me that i will always say it orangutan common mistake there is no g at the end yeah i've always said orangutan how do you say it yes i think i say it that way say it orangutan orangutan yeah but it's orangutan thanks liz or lies yeah phew jj said you said chat gbt has listened to 997 episodes of your podcast how did it gain access to the early

episodes that are behind a paywall or are you assuming that they're out there somewhere for free i went to see what it was all about and the site wanted me to create an account as i hovered my mouse over the sign up button i got this physical sensation in my chest like a warning. I decided not to sign in. You know about these gut feelings. Yeah, ChatGBT signing up. I mean, you think signing up for Facebook gives them info. ChatGBT, they ask you a bunch of questions, and then they are fucking locked into you.

I didn't find them that invasive. And keep in mind, I lied to Facebook on my sign up. So I didn't find it that disclosing. keep in mind, I lied to Facebook on my sign up. So I didn't find it that disclosing. It wasn't that they asked that much. It's just the nature of what ChatGBT does and giving them any information felt really weird. Yeah, I don't remember what information they asked for. Maybe I lied to them too.

I got on ChatGBT. They'll know. I got on ChatGBT and I said, respond to not paying child support as if you were Ted Lasso. And it gave me a really lame answer. So I didn't use it. But that's how I'm doing my comedy writing now. Yeah, exactly.

Is there any irony here, chat GBT? Can you mine this for some laughs? Is there any irony here, ChatGPT? Can you mine this for some laughs? I guess we can do for obituaries, we could do Jesus H. Christ. And that's all, folks. I don't know. What do you say about that guy, huh?

I mean, he was 33 when he died he was a carpenter he was a union guy um sympathetic to whores yep he was uh sympathetic to everybody he was a magician the maybe the greatest magician that ever lived he was able to uh on water, change water into wine. He could do that thumb trick, but he would go through a hole in his hand. Right? He could get millions of people to believe some crazy shit. Yeah. First bit of history written about him by the way like I think between two and three hundred years after his death so definitely an accurate

depiction of yes we all know today yes I love that people go back and they look at the wording of what Jesus said about homosexuality and they try to pull from the actual syntax of what he's saying what the meeting was when it was written 300 years after he died i know hilarious at least yeah um so um god God bless Jesus and good luck to you up there. What if we died and it was all true? Oh my God. And you went to hell. Do you think you would go to hell or heaven if you died right now? Because, you know, I think, although I guess everyone thinks they're a good person, but I think I'm generally like a good person. But have I sinned according to their rules? Yeah, all the time. I think you also have to confess regularly in order to get to heaven.

But I think if you haven't committed, here's what it is. If you haven't committed a mortal sin like murder or whatever, then you go to purgatory, which is a way station. So you may be in purgatory. So you go to hell, but I don't think it's a bad hell. I think it's like you get into the night. It's like getting into the nightclub, but you're not in the VIP room. Like you're in, you suffer, but then after a certain period of time then you get to go to heaven which might be more fun just to experience that for a little while and this whole conundrum uh you know is famously called pascal's wager

and it's a philosophical argument presented i have it i called it up here on wikipedia by the 17th century french mathematician who he's like it posits that human beings wager with their lives that god either exists or does not he argues a rational person should live as though god exists and seek to believe in god if god does not exist he'll have a finite if uh does not exist, he'll have a finite, uh, does not exist. Such a person will have only a finite loss, some pleasures, some luxury. Whereas if God does exist, they stand to receive infinite gains as presented with eternity and heaven and avoid infinite losses. You know, the guy poking you with a goddamn pitchfork in hell. So it's a very famous premise.

But imagine believing in God just for that, for the selfish gain. Well, there's the whole thing about the last shall be first and the first shall be last. So you can, on your deathbed uh ask for forgiveness receive it and go to the front of the line yeah all right i'll wait till then i wonder but nowadays like with social media god is going to go back and check some shit out you're going to stand at the pearly gates and peter's going to have like a laptop and he's going to review some of your your your podcast and some of the shit you've said about him so much of religion

is so ego-based and so selfish and self-centered like the uh oh, Oh God. I mean, what if, what about when he gets to my teens? Yeah. God is going to get, God is going to spend all that time on you. He's going to be like, wait a minute. Remember when you were 24, isn't there a giant line behind me? Don't we have to keep this moving? What if you die and you go and you go up to the pearly gates and, and standing there at the entrance is Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny? And you're like, what? What?

You guys, you're really part of it too? And everyone goes to hell for stopping believing in them. Yeah. Santa sends all of us to hell. Right. There's not one person there. Yeah. Maybe mentally disabled people.

Mentally disabled people are the only ones in heaven because they kept believing in Santa. And they just get blowjobs from Marilyn Monroe every day. That's what heaven is. No, right. And it truly is the happiest place on earth because there's this mentally disabled people up there who are ecstatic. Yeah. And they're so happy. Oh, my God.

I like that heaven. All right. Let's cheer up after Jesus's death. Let's cheer up with some Sunday funnies. Here we go. All right. All right. All right. And Dilbert this week.

Dilbert is at a he's got a T. Is that a tiki torch? He's got a tiki torch and he's in the office with a tiki torch. And everybody's saying, Dilbert, why is it? Is there a special celebration today and he said no but there's a Black Lives Matter protest going on down the street and I thought

we could go check it out and his boss goes Dilbert you didn't finish that report you were supposed to do and Dilbert goes I hate black people I don't get the punchline I don't get the punchline Is that how that one ended? I don't get the punchline

That was an abrupt ending Yeah With quite a punch Actually Man Dilbert's gone off the rails Yeah he really has Hager the Horrible

Hager and Lucky Are sitting at a table And Lucky says My relationship is getting serious Hager, the horrible Hager and Lucky are sitting at a table and Lucky says, my relationship is getting serious. Hager goes, are you talking about the mermaid? And Lucky says, yes, I'm ready to take it to the next level. Hager goes, good luck with that. And I guess what he means by that is the next level is he's going to rape her.

Yeah, and maybe it's difficult. You you know she's so fast in the water yes rape her that's right he should probably cover himself up and probably he should grease himself up he's gonna catch her he's gonna get he's gonna get lucky i wonder with a mermaid if lucky's like hey smell my finger like to his friends but it's like it's smell my everything this fucking chick's a fish yeah you could just get to second base all you have to do is get to second base with a mermaid you can go smell my finger yeah yeah smell everything man are you kidding me oh how do you fuck a mermaid? Her legs are stuck together. I wonder if it's just anal with mermaids.

Well, it's perfect for these guys because with all the raping, I think most women's legs are just slammed shut, but they deal. They deal. Right. Yeah, in those days you want to be a mermaid. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Farside. It's a laboratory. And we see the two scientists at work. And there's beakers. And they're making stuff. And you can see the magnifying glass and all that. And the captions like, on October 23, 1927, three days after its invention, the first rubber band is tested and you see one of the scientists has it on his finger and pulls it all the way back like a school kid would and is aiming it

right at the face of the other scientist i mean that's all we did in class sometimes when I was in grammar school. Also, the one where you spread it out between two fingers and you place it on the skin of your friend and you pull it back and just snap it on your skin. Yeah. We had a neighbor, the Mahonies, and their son delivered newspapers. And so their garage, back then you would get the newspapers delivered in a stack. And then you had to fold them in half and put a rubber band on each one. And so he had these giant bags of rubber bands in the garage.

And we used to have these rubber band shooting wars. Oh, those were the days. And then, of course, you get a little older or word trickles down from the upper grades like, no, nohinge a paper yeah and wrap it around and i mean i know i sound like the teachers i never believed but all of them would say like you're gonna take an eye out yeah it's like yeah they they were they were 100 right yeah yeah right it's like kevin meaning that you're gonna take out an eye with that that's not right shooting a paper clip someone's gonna lose an eye we're not we're not rubber band people all right so blondie is as always in this fucking patriarchal strip at the stove with an apron on stirring a pot and dagwood walks in with his

briefcase and his stupid bow tie and she goes my goodness someone cut class early and he goes the boss told me since i was all caught up with my work i might as well take off he said also i could show up a little late tomorrow but i'm but i'm I'm going in early. I know entrapment when I hear it. And Blondie just stands there looking at him saying, what happened to my life? What happened to my potential? 18 guys asked me to the high school prom. And, and I've got this guy who's so fucking so mediocre in mid management at this office that he's excited and nervous about getting an hour off from work i should be with an entrepreneur who's flying me around on private jets yes you should look at that rack yeah well he's he's gonna be in mentally

handicapped heaven she has that going for her that's right maybe he can. Well, he's going to be in mentally handicapped heaven. She has that going for her. That's right. Maybe he can get her in. He's going to be. He believes in Santa still. Yeah. Yeah. And her hell already started.

She's living in it with that fucking apron. That is right. She already failed the test. All right. Listen, folks. This is it. Don't forget this weekend. Come on out to comedy at a casino in Connecticut called Mohegan Sun.

Also, anything you want to promote, Mike? Yeah, I guess I have nothing to do with it. I wish I did. The new season of Dave, which I have not started watching yet, but I guess there's one episode out. You know, he lives down the street from me. I see him walking around all the time in the neighborhood. Yeah. Dave. No, I think he's one episode out. You know, he lives down the street from me. I see him walking around all the time in the neighborhood. Yeah.

Dave. No, I think he's incredibly funny. He's really, yeah, and he works his ass off. And, of course, our friend Andrew Santino is on the show. Yup. That and Succession. Oh, maybe let's do a call with him. Let's do a call with him next week, and he can promote the new season.

I love it. He's coming on. Yeah. Okay. Promoting that for next week. he can promote the new season. He loves coming on. Yeah. Okay. Promoting that for next week. Andrew Santino on the show. All right. Thanks to Midcoast Media, Beth and Chris and John and Key and everybody does a fine job producing and editing the show and uploading it and social mediaing it and doing all that

stuff. And I guess we'll catch you guys next week. Take it eesh. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish.

Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish.

Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish.

Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish.

Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish.

Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish.

Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish.

Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish Wake up, it's Sunday Early in the morning Quit your yawning Plug your phone in Watch out for gubbins

He's huffing, puffing Cause his new clubs are coming Flow the sun and must be running To the Kona store to get me some papers I need a blondie It's so beyond me Dad would be on me It's been a long week

It's time to wrap it up With Mike and Greg You lose your blues They got the new sick factor to you Sometimes true It's time to wrap it up with Mike and Greg. You lose your blues, they got the news. Big factor two is sometimes true.