Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 161 4/23/23

Episode Date: April 23, 2023

Greg is visited by the ghost of his father, a Bud Light drinker loses his shit, Gen Z is getting fired and Mexico’s president said we’re all on drugs. Follow Greg on Instagram @GregFitzsimmons Follow Mike on Instagram @GibbonsTime 

Here comes the start of the song Sunday papers on my mind Sunday papers on my mind Mike and Greg are two guys with the one of a kind Are they even aging? Damn, they're looking so fine Are we recording this? You didn't clap in Alright, three, two...

Whatever Three, two. Whatever. Three, two, one. Read all about it. Read all about it. Extra, extra Sunday papers. Both guys in L.A. Not in the same room. I don't know why.

We forgot to. How come we didn't get together this week? Why is this so low? Because I like having my tech issues over here by myself. Yeah, right? And your tech issues with your SD card not full. SD card was full. I was full of podcasting.

I had my thousandth episode this past week of Fitz Dog Radio. I know. Congratulations. I haven't listened to it yet. I saw a good clip. Where did you tape that? I taped it at the Comedy Store. Nice.

And great feedback. My special guest was Zach Alphanakis, who is a dear friend of both of ours and one of the truly funniest human beings that I've ever met in my life. His mind works on a different level than other people's. Yeah, no, no. And also so nice. And the nicest guy in the world. Yeah. It's a shame he left LA, even though he was not that social when he was here. Well, not recently. He used to be very social. Oh yeah. He used to be volleyball every Sunday and dinners and all that. We should start up the volleyball.

He'd come across town for the volleyball. I think he moved. He moved. He's somewhere filming a movie for the next few months, and then I don't know what happens after that. I think he said he'd be back in L.A. in July. Oh, all right. So we'll get it going then.

Sounds good. So thanks for all the great feedback from people. I had a million people wish me happy, happy, happy. And that was very touching. Chris Denman gave me a shout out. If you enjoyed it, please share it. We're trying to blow it up and we'll see what happens. Hey, I got to tell you, you said to me that I wasn't giving Jason Isbell

enough of a chance and that I should watch the documentary. I did. And then I started listening to his music. And I am so happy that I discovered him on my own. Oh, nice. Yeah. You know, that documentary, I think it's on HBO and I started watching and I'm like, I go, this is probably just going to be a fluff piece. Like why a documentary? But I really had no idea his struggles with sobriety, his struggles with the ongoing struggle of a very realistic portrayal of a marriage. That marriage is like, it's so raw. I know they were really honest about it. You know, did you see when Dave Cobb, the great producer, he was like, all right, well, you know, do you step outside tonight

and take a breath of fresh air at home before you go? And he's like, yeah, if only I were going home. He's like, I guess I'll get a breath of fresh air in the hallway of the Omni because he and his wife were in a fight. And he hadn't been, he's not going, he didn't go home for like over a week. Yeah.

But I also love just watching artists struggle in the creative process, not rooting and rooting for them, of course, but it's very interesting. They don't, they don't masturbate as much as we do when we're struggling. I know. And he doesn't even have another outlet like drugs or alcohol, which he used to. Right. But I know, but in the documentary, it's like, you just see him strumming. And then all, But I know. But in the documentary, it's like you just see him strumming and then all of a sudden the first notes with his voice and you're like, that voice is unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. The other documentary that the wife and I were watching, this was crazy. Me, my wife and both my kids are sitting on the couch and we're watching the documentary about Brooke Shields, which is very fascinating how they sexualized her from age 11 on. She was 11 playing a prostitute in a New Orleans brothel,

and she's wearing negligee, and she literally seduces a middle-aged man and kisses him on the mouth. It's fucking crazy. And her mom was an alcoholic, and she just kept putting her in these pornographic preteen movies, like Forever Young, I think it was called. And Blue Lagoon. My dad knew her dad because he was in cosmetics.

I think he was at Revlon or something. Well, he doesn't get much attention in this documentary. I don't think he was around at all. Right. So anyway, we're watching it, and then they talk about how they introduced a Brooke Shields doll, which was very sexual.

And there was a commercial. They showed the commercial, and the voiceover for the doll was my father. What? Yes, and I just sat there. Here, I'm going to play it for you right now. With my jaw open, and I was like, I just kept playing it over and over again.

I was like, this is fucking crazy. Here, listen to it. You're a beautiful 16-year-old schoolgirl. Brooke Shields. She's a real living doll. Did you hear that? Yeah. I mean, it was so weird. Look at this sexy young doll. I know. She's a real living doll. What does that even mean?

I don't know. A real living doll. If it were, it's way ahead of its time. Yeah, I know. And she's got three holes. All right. Don't worry, Chris. I just plugged my headphone back in.

He's all upset about the sound. I had to unplug it so you could hear that um so yeah my father's big issue right now because the 30th anniversary of him passing is next month and uh wow so i don't know i think we put off talking about succession. Yeah. And we were going to talk about it this week, right? Yeah, although I'm not caught up. I watched through the wedding, which was episode three, I believe.

Yeah, yeah. That's all people need to have seen. If you haven't seen the wedding episode, skip forward about three minutes. So my mom and I, I'm down in Florida visiting my mom and i'm down in florida visiting my mom because she's not in great shape she had heart surgery and she's kind of fumbling along and uh and she's really into succession so the new episode comes out and we sit down to watch it and the episode chronicles the father having a heart attack, dying, clearly being dead, and all of the kids being in complete denial. They won't accept that he's dead. And they keep pretending he's not dead. And basically, my mother- Well, just so people who maybe don't watch the show know,

he's on an airplane and all his kids are not with him. So everything is over the phone. Right. Right. So this backstory on my father dying is he was at Rayo's, that restaurant in Harlem with my mom and another couple. And he basically just went face down on the table and died instantly. It was, you know, it was crazy. And so and they had the defibrillators at the restaurant, which is crazy. And this was 1993. Well, Rayos. Maybe it makes sense if it's at Rayos. Rayos, everyone knows Rayos now.

Rayos, hardly anyone knew about in New York unless you were in this class of people, a lot of entertainers, but top of your field. It's in Harlem. Invite. It's not even invite only. People, a lot of these influential people have tables. And if you give up your table, that's the only way you give your table to like a friend. So I don't know whose table your dad was at, but it was the hardest room to get into in the country. I think it's very safe to say. And having a table meant that you had it the first Tuesday of the month, depending on who you are. Maybe some people had it twice a month. And that was the only time you could go. And you could give your table to somebody else. But you had to get permission from Frankie, who was the owner of the place.

Who was cast in The Sopranos as the FBI agent. Yeah. So I think Thornton Geary might have been taking my father. He was the president of the Major League Baseball's baseball. So when there was a strike, he was the guy that was negotiating the strike. So anyway, my mom calls me up. I'm in Boston, and I answer the phone, and she says, we're at the hospital. Dad had a heart attack, and I said, is he okay?

And she said, we don't know yet. They're working on him. And he'd been dead for over an hour, and she was in total denial. So this storyline hit her. Meanwhile, I had been estranged from my dad for like six months for the first time in my life. And we were very close. And it was brutal.

And all these kids were estranged from the father on succession. And both of us just sat there and we just were crying. It was the most intense episode of TV I've seen in years. And it hit us both so hard. And then afterwards, and kind of knowing that the 30th anniversary was coming up, we talked about my dad for two hours, the most intimate, honest conversation we've ever had since he passed and her feelings about it, the details of that night thing she's never told me before, things about his life she'd never told me before. It was really it was really like emotional and I thought really appropriate with his

anniversary coming up. So, you know, I was glad it happened. It's very cool when a work of art can do that, you know, and just sort of strike so deeply and create such an opportunity to re-evaluate or visit for the first time an issue in your life, you know? Yeah, because I saw these kids and I saw the layers because the acting is so good. I saw the different layers of what was going on with them, you know, from surprise to sadness to guilt and all the things that you go through when you're processing the sudden death of a loved one. And yeah. And then the and then the aftermath of relating to loved ones. And, you know, it just brings stuff up between you. Oh, yeah. And you were not as I mean, you were you know, you were you'd had some abuse in the family but these guys were the succession family is so emotionally crippled yeah that it was also absurdly funny like i think at one point like

one brother like the awkwardness they had no idea what to do with real feelings yeah and so i think one brother who went up and they like, he like hugged the other one's arm, like, and there was like grabbing of like a shoulder and they just, and then they struggled to say, I love you. And the scenario was the guy on the plane was putting a phone up to his ear, like, Hey, we don't know how he's doing, but you can talk to him. Do you want to say any last things? So that's the scenario. And it was actually comical how emotionally handicapped all the siblings were. Yeah, and two of the brothers were like, all right, Dad, I love you. You really fucked us over. You know.

This is the last thing you can ever say to his dad. He's like, I obviously can't forgive you. But I. So good. this is the last thing you can ever say to his dad I obviously can't forgive you but I so good anyway I don't want to talk too long in case people fast forward it and I don't want to spoil it but anyway that was pretty heavy and pretty good

nice what's going on in your family I'll save that until next week my mom it was a really funny conversation, I'll say that till next week. My mom, it was a really funny conversation. And I'll talk about it next week where she's on the phone with a doctor, with my sister talking about whether or not she has genetic cancer. Like, I guess there's the genetic screening upon me. And then they ask about our family. Well, it got very, got very very interesting and my mom couldn't stop laughing on the phone to the darkest fucking shit wow yeah by the way one of the things my mother revealed

to me is that my father had the heart attack at 52 his parents both had heart attacks in their 40s and went down so So enjoy the podcast. We may not be here next week. My grandfather's first heart attack was in his 40s. Yeah. And then my dad, who I thought was old as fuck, had quintuple bypass at 59. Damn.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm being monitored, but so far so good. But it's yeah, it's same. My mom has outlived every single person in her family by a lot because she's she's 79. I think that's kind of a phenomenon and something that we have to deal with as a country, which is people are living longer. People are going to be on Medicare a lot longer and Social Security a lot longer. And who knows what this next generation is going to be able to create in terms of supporting that system. I know. Are they even putting money in with all their side hustles oh here we go we're gonna get to that later uh we want to thank the logo this week was hysterical from bruce wise the uh how i learned to stop worrying and love bud light uh what was the name of that movie

the peter sellers movie dr strange dr strange love movie? Dr. Strangelove. Dr. Strangelove. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. That's a really good one. You want to talk about... Oh, and last week, by the way, the logo was an Oriental, two guys, and they were... Oriental. I'm uncomfortable when people describe

a rug that way they were Japanese samurais and we had some Japanese writing on it and we asked our faithful listeners

to transcribe it and apparently the translation was sex with a sheep kind of person or sheep fucker. Yeah, I think sheep fucker gets to it a lot quicker.

Sean told us that. Thank you, Sean. Yeah. And then you want to talk about our song this week? How about that from Kevin Biggins? Kevin. Last week's song was inspiring, and I remember that Kevin also did one

very quickly and lo-fi and so anyway I really like that one and he sent it so long ago apologies to him no no no it's not lo-fi anymore if you didn't hear the most recent version it's no he dressed it up he did an auto tune with it

yeah yeah yeah he sent two in one's incredibly lo-fi and then one has that auto tune with it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah now he sent two in one's incredibly lo-fi and then one has that auto tune yeah which is one button away from lo-fi right but kevin's a great comedy writer i hired him for a spell on uh tosh.0 when we were starting it up family guy tons of other stuff he wrote a family guy oh yeah yeah he was there for a while oh nice yep uh correction came in from timothy kane he said didn't they call it a paddy wagon because most cops were irish not because they were criminals uh good good i'm glad we were the cops because nobody else wanted to be the cops back then. I don't know if that's fully true.

The paddy wagon? Wasn't it? I thought inebriation, not on the cop side, but on the perpetrator side, was one of the reasons. But maybe it's a combination. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. We've both been arrested. Yeah.

I was thrown into a paddy car, not a wagon. I was thrown into a paddy jail cell twice. I was then thrown into a paddy jail cell once. But I spent the night. I spent a weekend. Oh, they're both true, Chris says. Both times I had to spend the weekend because I got arrested on a Friday and the judge came in on a Monday. And I had to sit there for fucking two days.

I was driving down with Olivia on the college tour two weeks ago from University of Vermont to Boston, which is the exact route I got arrested on. And I'm like, she's like, where were you arrested? I'm like, oh, in London, New Hampshire. And I just remember it was the biggest Burger King I'd ever seen off the interstate. And she's like, all right, wake me up when we get there. I go, there's nothing to see. So anyway, she's asleep. And then there's the exit. And I remember it well. And I'm like, I am not waking her up. It is not worth it. That's hilarious. Yeah.

What schools did you visit in Boston, by the way? The only formal tour we did was Northeastern. Right. And then I drove her around. We drove all around the campus of Boston College, up and down, saw BU. Oh, we walked around Emerson's campus, which is not, you know, not really a campus. We walked around those blocks. Theater district. We snuck in one of the Emerson buildings into a theater and that was cool. And then didn't really make it over

to the smart side of the river. So that's too bad. My kids were blown away by Harvard. What a campus. I know. But why dangle that in front of her? It's the hardest year. I'm getting, whatever. We don't have to talk about it now. But it's, I guess it's the most college applicants in the history of the country. No shit.

This year. Really? I would think people couldn't afford it because it's getting so expensive. I saw a guy on Instagram and he was self-deprecating. He's like, all right, let's see if I got into Harvard. And they put up his stats and he's, you know, 4.6, you know, captain of this, president of the student body, like unbelievable. And then another guy, I'll just call it a whatever.

Anyway, and someone else just sent me something. A guy in Boston, his son, 4.7. I mean, obviously weighted, but 4.7, captain of a sports team at school, community service. Oh, 1540 on his SATs didn't get into a single one of his first choices. Wow. 4.7, 1540 SAT. Well, you know Ken and Beth? Yeah. Their son got into University of Chicago,

which is apparently harder than even Ivy League to get into. Yeah. But I also hear that it's a pain in the ass. It's like a ton of work. Whereas Harvard has a reputation of once you get in, you're kind of in. And there's ways to get through it that aren't that hard. Yeah, you steal a

Facebook idea. How do you like them apples? I got some comedy dates coming up. You want to know where I'm going to be, Mike? Well, only if it's Escondido. Is that the first one? Oh, it's a great little town north of San Diego. I'll be at the Grand Comedy Room April

28th, 29th. Huntington Beach at the Rec Room May 12th. Columbia, Missouri at the Blue Note May 19th. Kansas City the next night. Austin at the Mothership May 19th. Kansas City the next night. Austin at the Mothership, May 25th and 27th through 27th. Boston at Laugh Boston, June 16th and 17th. And then New Jersey after that.

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All right. Do it. All right. Listen, the other thing I want to talk about is you and I went to a concert in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and we got raked over the coals because we bought tickets in advance when they were jacking up prices. We could have gotten them at the last minute for so much less. Well, that's why you have GameTime. GameTime's URL is GameTime.co, but really want to get the app because the app is amazing. And once you have it, it's like two taps and you got it in your phone for whatever event you want to go to, sporting,

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last minute tickets. You can get images of what it looks like from your seat. You can look around 360 degrees. I just went to a Dodgers game last week i got tickets for i think it was 35 dollars and and then i might have snuck down a little bit um i'm looking all right cirque du soleil tonight 46 dollars have you ever heard of a ticket that cheap no because it's last minute that's how you get them. Wow. Yes. Anyway, it's the fastest growing ticket app in the

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Let's do it. Do you have paper? I have a paper from, let me just check this. I got this. I got crisp paper. It's not a newspaper. I got August 29th, 2021 right here. What a flashback. Here we go.

Front page. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! What a flashback. Here we go. Front page. Okay. Enraged Walmart shopper destroys wrong beer in Bud Light protest. Did you see this video, by the way? I watched. I did see it. Oh, my God. It was not a six pack. It was like an entire refrigerator. Yeah. There's footage of Rather than offending Bud Light, the cranky fellow reaped his vengeance

on Bud's competitor, Bush Light. What a swing in terms of what it's costing. Bud Light improves and the competitor goes down. Bud drinkers are not known for their discernment. No, usually it's like just open the beer door and just grab any of them that are there for less than a certain price. All the action was caught by Walmart shopper Chandler Davidson and quickly posted to TikTok, of course. Quick, hurry. Unfortunately, it all ends rather unceremoniously with the bud hater being led out of the store in handcuffs.

Now, Wildcuff, the guy who gets everything wrong, was screaming, defund the fire department. He then pleaded the Sixth Amendment, was released on bail and mistakenly punched his friend's wife in the face instead of his own. Yeah. Yeah. That's like the time I punched Billy Baldwin instead of Stephen. Sorry, man. I mean, this whole thing, I can't say this enough. I am so confused and disheartened by what's going on in this country with these distractions that the media is giving people. And they are fucking chomping on the bait like a bunch of suckers. All this stuff is going on right now where tax cuts for the rich have tripled the fucking deficit. And there's all these issues.

I can't get health care for less than $3,000 a month. Tell me how that's fucking possible. And in the meantime, all they talk about is that somebody dressed up as the other sex. And Budweiser had the balls to put them on a commercial. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, no doubt. had the balls to put them on a commercial. It's fucking crazy. Yeah. No doubt. Meanwhile, here we are talking about

one little correction, which I'm sure people are already firing up their emails. So you said chomp at the bait, which is really accurate, actually. But you know it's chomp at... It's actually not chomp at the bit.

It's not chomp at the bit. Yeah. It's champ. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's champ at the bit. That's what it's called. Anyway, now that we got that out of the, speaking of distractions, but you know, everyone's like, oh, you fucking guys got it wrong. They lost 5 billion market share and all this. Okay. You ready? I looked this up on Thursday. Meanwhile, Friday, the stock was up more. But keep in mind, I looked this up Thursday. Last month, Bud is up 6.74% for the month. You want a six-month range? Yeah. It is up 41.5% over six months.

No. Really? Yes. And over a year, because it went down with the rest of the market. But then over a year, it's up 6.5%. Here's the interesting thing. Five years, it's down 34.5%, which obviously has nothing to do with this. So this brought the stock back.

I don't know. That might be an overstatement, but I do know that this this month it is up 6.74 that's hilarious yeah including this backlash i haven't had a drink in 32 years and i'm ready to fucking crack a bud no you what are you what are you talking about you're gonna have a save the date for when you officially do that 65 i. I'll be 65 years old. It's going to be tough to be in Ireland this summer. We're going to Ireland in August and not have a Guinness. I mean.

Guinness almost doesn't count. You know it has lower alcohol content than a regular beer? What's even more surprising is I think it has less calories than a light beer. Huh. Interesting. I want someone to check that stat. That sounds like a fits fact. Well, my son took a class that I paid for in college on beer.

Really? Yeah, so he's the one that told me about, I don't know if it's all stouts, but Guinness has less alcohol in it. I was looking for this dumb thing. Okay, anyway, next story, man. Three in four managers say Gen Z is the most challenging generation to work with, and 40% of the group flagged a lack of technological skills, effort, and motivation. The survey was conducted on April 14th and includes responses from over 1,300 managers and business leaders

in the U.S. So while Gen Zers are skilled in using digital communication tools, they may lack skills for in-person interaction. In fact, about one in three survey respondents said they prefer to work with millennials. 44% meanwhile, everyone was complaining about them. 44% of this group said they believe this group is the most productive. And a similar number say they have the best technological skills. Hold on here. 30% of the respondents say they prefer to work with Gen X, and about 4% say they prefer to work with baby boomers.

Oh, boomer. Yeah, and then the tensions between the generations are so bad that some managers found Gen Z challenging to work with and said they fired a Gen Z-er promptly after hiring. Now, all these numbers about three out of four. What if the Gen Z-ers were conducting the survey and they just didn't follow through and interview the fourth person? I also think the numbers might be a little inflated because the Gen Z identify as they, so they count them as many firings. That's right. So many of them identify as they in their pronoun.

Right, right. I looked it up because I was confused about all the different generations, but here's the breakdown. The greatest generation was born from 1901 to 1924. They're the ones that fought in World War II. The silent generation was born from 25 to 45. All right, yeah. Why the silent?

That's interesting. Yeah, the silent generation. So the baby boomers, which is us, we are the last year. Oh, no, no. No, baby boomer I thought was our parents, but according to this, my dad and mom are both in the silent generation. I wish they had been more silent. So we're Gen X, which starts in 65 and goes to 79. Millennials is 80 to 94. Gen Z is 95 to 79. Millennials is 80 to 94.

Gen Z is 95 to 2012. And Gen Alpha is 2013 to 2025. But the first three generations had a war they could be drafted into, which made them a little tougher. Also, I think it's a giant message that the world's not fair and also that the world doesn't owe you anything. Right.

I mean, I hate to get on my Gen X soapbox, but I think like, I don't know. Yeah, it's, I don't know. You just yeah, it's, I don't know. Yeah. You just sound like an old guy raving about this if you, uh, talk about it, but it's interesting. Millennials are now in their forties. Yeah, I know that happened fast. Well, you know what? They, they gave up on God. They found computers and the internet and they gave up on God. And that's what happened. Well, I think that's part of it. I think I think it's hard.

It's hard to find young people that believe in God anymore. You know, God is their computer. God is Google. They're all isolated. I do feel very sorry. I feel sorry for any generation of us. But Gen Alpha, I guess, born between 2013 and now. Good luck. You know the AI thing?

That's 60 minutes. We can't say it enough. You got to watch last week's 60 Minutes. And I don't think there was a single baby boomer, and I'm including myself, even though I'm Gen X, who was like, yeah, uh, yeah. I mean, you know what? Mortality. I think all of us felt like mortality, maybe not so bad. Right. Like I'm understanding less and less of this world. Yep. And in my own prejudice, uh,

based on what I've seen in the world and when I was born, I don't think it's, I think it's worse. I think it's getting worse. Some things of course are getting better, but not the big picture. Now, it's hard to imagine we're not sliding into the abyss because technology used to be something that we kept pace with morally, ethically. We had guidelines and we had an understanding of where it was headed. And so we could sort of, you know, calibrate things and keep pace with it. And now it happens so fast that we just stand by.

I mean, that's why these tech companies are ripping people off and mining data and doing all these things that we can't wrap our heads around to control. Right. I don't mean control in a bad way. I mean, control it in a way that doesn't allow for abuse. Speaking of out of control, man, let's get to the SpaceX giant rocket launch. the SpaceX giant rocket launch. But before that little note, Guinness has 125 calories and Bud Light has 110. What about alcohol content, Denman? And then is that, by the way, Guinness is usually a pint. Are we measuring the same amount of ounces with Bud Light?

Good question, Mike. That's the kind of hard-hitting reporting we expect on Sunday papers. You see? By the way, is SpaceX a rocket that was built between 1964 and 1975? It's the Gen X of space rockets, of course. Okay, so yes, it's the same amount of fluid ounces,

and then I guess he's going to get back to you on the alcohol count. We'll circle back to that. Typical fucking Gen Z-er. He can't do both things at once. SpaceX doesn't see things through to the end. SpaceX giant rocket explodes minutes after launch from Texas. Elon Musk's company was aiming to send the biggest and most powerful rocket ever built on a round-the-world trip from the southern tip of Texas near the Mexican border.

The nearly 400-foot Starship carried no people or satellites. SpaceX later said multiple engines on the 33-engine booster were not firing as the rocket ascended, causing it to lose altitude and begin to tumble. All right. So I was watching this and all the nerds, I found it on YouTube. I didn't watch it live. All the nerds were cheering like crazy and waiting for the second stage separation rockets to kick in. Yeah. And this woman, Kate Tice, she's a SpaceX quality systems engineer. She was providing the VO during the live stream event. And she goes, and I quote, I want to remind everyone that everything after clearing the tower was icing on the cake. And in the middle of the word cake, the rocket exploded. And everyone went crazy because, cheering positively, because they thought that was the second stage rockets and everything kicking in.

Yeah. So the rocket was intentionally destroyed by its self-destruct system exploding and plummeting into the water. SpaceX termed it a, quote, rapid, unscheduled disassembly. It sounds like a nervous breakdown. It was just to just to paraphrase there. It was a three to ten billion dollar unscheduled disassembly. Wait, so they're saying they blew it up on purpose? Wait, so they're saying they blew it up on purpose? Yeah. So what she said is kind of true.

Even Musk said they calculated an exact number of the odds that it might blow up at launch. The best it would ever do is go out of the atmosphere, I forget how many miles, and then make one circle around, and then they would either blow it up or it would just fall into the water. But that it did get off, it is being considered a success. Like they learned a lot. But I mean, of course, in a dream scenario, they would have liked the second stage rockets to take over and for it to separate. But it didn't do that. it to separate, but it didn't, it didn't do that. So it made it, it made it further than I guess, the worst odds and then, uh, short of, you know, ideal. Wow. That's like, that's like raising a kid with ADD and you just go like, all right, it's, it's not going to go great, but if he could

just move out of the house, that would be amazing. All right. There's not going to be a Pulitzer or an MD after his name, but Subway's hiring. But meanwhile, Musk blamed the woke mob. He said it was the gay guy and the black guy in engineering. Tesla should have that self-destruct button when any idiot is driving. Like, we don't want you. We don't want you in our car. Sorry. Yeah, yeah.

Let's disassemble. Let's disassemble this on the fly. Yeah. Here we go. Guinness, 4.2% alcohol. Bud Light, 5%. Okay. So my son was right.

I'm glad I paid $60,000 for college last year so he could learn that. Yeah. And think about how much you're paying Chris for that stat. Right. It's about the same. Yeah. A Flint, Michigan woman is suing a towing company in the police department after a dramatic vehicle repossession attempt. After midnight on August 24th, Mika Ward was sitting behind the wheel of a Chevy Captiva, very ironic, and accused by Credit Acceptance Corps of falling behind on her car payments. As she sat in the parking lot, a tow truck appeared and hooked up the car. The two men flanked the car, one on each side.

One man demanded Ward sign some paperwork. The other demanded the keys. each side one man demanded ward signed some paperwork the other demanded the keys when she refused to comply one of the men opened the door cursed at her and tried to forcibly remove the keys from the ignition and ultimately hit her in the face and pepper sprayed her she said i felt like getting hoisted from the back i'm like what the heck is going on they dragged me through the whole apartment complex so she's in the car and they're towing her. I'm hitting the I'm hitting on the brakes so hard my tires exploded. Look, a woman has a right to choose what happens to her car. Men have no place telling her she can't keep her own car or get rid of her own car. Car ownership is between a woman and her doctor.

Not in a lot of states. That's probably what happened. Yeah. Unless they dragged her across state lines to a state where that is the case. I don't know. I think this is the story she came up with to explain how she really exploded her tires trying to parallel park. It's a long way to go. She pepper sprayed herself?

A little pathetic. I don't know. I don't know. All right. Mexico's president is saying the U.S. is suffering from moral decay and offers some advice. I'm listening. Take better care of your kids. Try more hugs.

Cut down on the drugs and guns. Keep your cops, troops, and spies off our turf. Well, this all sounds very reasonable. And then he ended, and leave Donald Trump alone. Those are some of the latest musings from Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador. Jeez, A-M-L-O, AMLO. I'm just going to call him AMLO.

Who in recent weeks has been on a tear about the state of affairs north of the border. And then Arturo Robles, who's a flower vendor in Mexico City, said, quote, I'm glad that the president puts the gringos in their place. It's not fair when the gringos say it's all our fault. They are the drug addicts. We are not drug addicts. I take my antidepressants, my Adderall, my sleeping pills, my edible marijuana very responsibly, as do my mother and children. Yeah. So, Arturo, what do you think we're going to say?

We're drug addicts. We're not going to take responsibility and the blame. Right. And I love that. It's your fault. You're a flower vendor. What fucking, what kind of life decisions have you made? The enabling state of Mexico?

Are you kidding me? You can't wave that shit in front of our face. We're drug addicts. We've told you this. Where do you think we got the drugs, Manuel? Oh, man. All right. What are we doing?

Good news for Gubbins. We're going to skip that. Here's the good news for Gubbins. Well, that is the good news. That is the good news for Gubbins. We're the good news for Gubbins. Well, that is the good news. That is the good news for Gubbins. We're skipping good news for Gubbins. By the way, he has a song, and he sent it to me again. Now that we have this kind of creatively low bar, I think,

where non-professionals are chiming in. So we might have a song from Gubbins in the weeks coming up. That's the beauty of Gubbins. He doesn't hear a good song and aspire to do something great. He waits for the bottom to fall out of our expectations and then steps in the ring. I think I'm very similar that way.

All right, what are we doing? All right, entertainment. I want to... Okay. I want to do a little quiz with you right now. The Daily Show has had rotating hosts for the past few months. Okay. And the numbers are in.

I haven't watched a single one. I have not either. The ratings are in, and I wanted you to try to guess because there's a pretty big disparity between total viewers for each guest host. Okay. And I want you to guess the order that they came in. I'm going to give you three, and you give me

the order, and then I'll give you another three, and then you give me the order. Sarah Silverman, Chelsea Handler, and John Leguizamo. Leguizamo last. Sarah was early, I think. So I'm going to say Sarah, Chelsea, Leguizamo. You are completely wrong. Whoa. Leguizamo came in second with 633,000 total viewers. Huh.

And then Sarah came in just behind him. And then Chelsea was way behind that. Wait. I don't think that makes sense. I thought you said Leguizamo came in second. Well, second total out of 10. I'm grabbing three randomly out of the 10 people. Oh, right.

So the three were John, Sarah, Chelsea? Right. I'm going to give you three others. Three others, and you win. Yeah. I'm very surprised Leslie Jones Marlon Wayans and Al Franken

Leslie Marlon Al you are exactly wrong again Al Franken came in number one with 792,000 viewers way beyond anybody else will he get the job? a guy who's a seasoned with 792,000 viewers, way beyond anybody else.

Will he get the job? A guy who's a seasoned SNL writer, performer, author, ass-grabber, senator, political pundit, fucking genius debater who could take- Ass-grabbing pervert. Who could take anybody on in a debate on the show. Will he get it? No, no, he won't. Why do you say that?

Because he's a white man. Oh, there he goes. There he goes. I'm not that guy, but I'm just saying it is a little fucking weird. So I can't believe men are doing, I think it's Comedy Central, which is, you know, very big guy having worked there a ton of years. It's very guy centric. I don't even know if women know how to find Comedy Central on the dial, but I'm shocked. I'm so wrong.

OK, go ahead. Is there another three? Yeah, I'll give you three more. Cal Penn, who I've never heard of. Yeah, Cal Penn. go ahead. Is there another three? Yeah, I'll give you three more. Cal Penn, who I've never heard of. Yeah, Cal Penn. Go ahead. D.L. Hughley. Cal Penn's a great university.

You should have heard of it. And Hasan Minhaj. So three men. Yeah. Oh, now you fucked up my plan. Okay, I would say, all right, this is not what I feel, but based on how wrong I've been, I'm going to go D.L. Hughley first. And then we got Hassan and then Kal Penn. You are exactly wrong again.

D.L. Hughley came in last place, number 10. Jesus. Yeah. And then Hasan Minhaj and then Cal Penn came in first. So it's white men or brown men, but not black men. Okay. Yeah. Although the previous host was black.

And the women, the bottom four, three out of the bottom four were women. Jeez. All right. So there you go. Okay, this Oasis story, I saw that. Oh, yeah. Why don't you read it? Fans create a 37-minute Oasis album in nostalgic style with chat G, what is this, GPT-AI.

That's a weird way of writing it, Greg. The AI generated vocals, a sound alike, and an over-processed cover band. But style is pretty accurate. Who wrote this? Welcome to the beginning of artistic style and product knockoffs and cloning. ChatGPT did not write this story. You read it wrong. It said AI generated vocals sound like an over-processed cover band, but style is pretty accurate. So basically, I didn't hear it. Did you listen to it? I did listen to the first song.

What does it sound like? It's definitely in the style and the voice sounds like it for sure. Really? Wow. I think all AI did was it listened to the Beatles and then it just mailed it in. Even AI was like,

I think a lesser program can handle this you're kind of wasting wasting my ability yeah and then no i like oasis and in the chat i just listened to what's the story morning glory yesterday it's such a fucking great album you know what you should do there's a documentary and i think there's two so beware i think it's nebworth is that the name of the town famously zeppelin and a lot of huge bands have played there. It's a farm. And it's there. Nineteen ninety four, I think. Nineteen ninety four in Nebworth. But what became remarkable, first of all, they are at their peak and they know it and it's huge. And if you're an Oasis fan it's

great but what was really interesting is they had them commenting now while they made the documentary so a couple of years ago and it was kind of the mark where crowds fans it was the last time they did not have cell phones. All right. And they were so into it. Yeah. And it really was pretty poignant in that way. I recommend it if you're an Oasis fan.

You know what would be really cool is if somebody did a Sunday paper song and I was thinking about different bands we would want the style of. What about the Ramones? If somebody created a Ramones theme song for Sunday Papers. I mean, is there a better band to pick? I love that. Or Velvet Underground? Velvet Underground.

Yeah, that would be interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Supersonic is the name of that documentary you're talking about. Are we sure? That's the Nebworth. Chris wrote it. No, I know.

But is that the Nebworth concert? I thought it had Nebworth and 94 in the title or something. Maybe. All right. Let's talk about Florida. Oh, here we go. Talk about Florida. Oh, here we go.

Okay. Are these two stories related? That's what I'm asking. You ready? Yeah. The Florida Lottery said 48-year-old Dax Valenti of Temple Terrace bought a scratch-off game from the 7-Eleven on 56th Street in Tampa. After scratching the ticket, Valenti realized he had become a millionaire. Wow. Usually when a guy is scratching something in Florida,

it just means he needs some more crack. And then I saw this story. I put the picture in here. Cape Coral, Florida man spotted riding a jet ski motorcycle. And it's literally in the right lane. Someone is taking a picture. This guy is on a jet ski and you could see wheels under it. And he has a backpack and of course, no helmet. No helmet.

Because what could go wrong? Also, no license. No helmet. Because what could go wrong? Also no license plate. Yeah. And they listed all the ways that it's illegal. But that seems like the most perfect first purchase when you come into money in Florida. Exactly. Right. And now in related Florida news, i put this story in here big mac the eight foot alligator

that was living in a philly basement has a new home in florida and it just goes to show even primitive dinosaur-like reptiles with tiny brains are smart enough to get the fuck out of Philadelphia. According to the shelter in Philly, Big Mac was purchased as a baby in 2012. He was living in a Huntington park home behind a padlocked enclosure. But after Big Mac's owner and his partner split, the partner asked the shelter if they could take the reptile. He is the third alligator. And fourth,

if you counter, if you count a gator, like Cayman, the shelter has rescued in recent weeks in philadelphia they all want out of philly um it's illegal in pennsylvania to own certain animals and it should be illegal to keep any animal against its will in philadelphia are you calling them animals, the Philadelphia people? No, because I think there's some dignity with most animals that Philadelphia last week I did call them animals, but that's just when food was thrown at them. But this, no, I'm surprised all the Italians that work at the cheesesteak shop didn't chop them up and make boots.

That's what they wear still. That's true. Hey, look, a correction from Chris. The documentary is called Oasis Nebworth 1996. So that really was on the brink of cell phone takeover. K-N-E-B-W-O-R-T-H. Yeah, Zeppelin famously played there. Really? I didn't know about that.

Yeah. It's this very cool farm. What are the other places that are the most famous concerts? I was thinking Budokan, because you had Cheap Trick live at Budokan. Yeah. And you had Bob Dylan live at Budokan. Right. Yeah.

That's weird. You've got... Isle of Wight. Carnegie Hall. Isle of Wight. Yeah Hall. Isle of Wight. Yeah. Well, the Ryman. I'm actually watching that George and Tammy show, and they shot in the Ryman.

Yeah. And, of course, in real life, it took place there, those guys. But, no, Madison Square Garden is huge. Yeah. That's in a bunch of them. I think that was Bieber's documentary led to that just as a recent example. But of course, the song remains the same, Led Zeppelin. Wembley Stadium.

A lot of big concerts there. Monterey. Oh, yeah. The Monterey Jazz Pop Festival in 1968. I see so many clips from Austin City Limits. I don't know if it's like a famous one that stands out. But no, we're forgetting other ones. Red Rocks.

Oh, Royal Albert Hall, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's gigantic. Yeah. Okay. We, idea from Mr. Ben Stout. And if anybody is looking for an amazing comedy editor and writer, The Late Late Show

with James Corden is going off this week. And Ben is working there. I'm going to the last taping. I've been invited to the last taping. Nice. And the party after it. Yeah, I'm very excited. I can't believe it's been... Nothing like networking at a show that's canceled.

Hey, guys. Need any help? I'm willing to return. But anyway, he suggested, Ben suggested that we do Mad Libs. Now, the key to Mad Libs is finding the right story. I don't think I found it this week, but we're going to do Mad Libs, Greg. So I got to write this down. Okay. I've never really done Mad Libs. I mean, I've been asked questions and I gave answers. I was obsessed with Mad Libs. It's all we did as kids. Okay. Give me an age and a type of person.

A 65-year-old transvestite. Okay. Give me a body part Cock You know how to play this game Give me an animal Giraffe Alright, give me a location Pensacola, Florida.

Oh, no. Maybe a give me a generic load, not a city like a farm. OK, give me another a generic location. A bowling alley. Another generic location? A bowling alley. Okay. Give me another body part. Rectum. Boy, all right. And then another body part.

Nipple. Okay. Here we go. So now you're going to read mine, and then you're going to read the real one afterwards? I don't know what's more effective. I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants here. Okay. Okay, I'll read you the real story first.

Okay. A 72-year-old Florida man has lost a portion of his right leg after he was reportedly attacked by an alligator at an RV park. The reptile retreated into the water after the attack. A short time later, authorities came upon an alligator with a human foot sticking out of its mouth. sticking out of its mouth. A 65-year-old transvestite has lost a portion of his cock after he was reportedly attacked by a giraffe at a farm.

That worked. The reptile retreated into a bowling alley after the attack. A short time later, authorities came upon an alligator with a rectum sticking out of its nipple. You are

fucking nine years old. My story was not as crazy as the first one. No, it wasn't. Alright, I'm going to improve that. Now I kind of get it. I get it a little more. That was a dry run. Alright. It's, I'm going to improve that. Now I kind of get it. I get it a little more. That was a dry run.

All right. It's fun. Let's do it again. Okay, thank you, Ben Stout. All right, let's do some sports. Yes, the Oakland A's say they're leaving for Las Vegas. The team said it has an agreement to acquire land for a new stadium in Las Vegas and plans to leave Oakland as soon as the end of the 2024 season.

Wow. Well, first the Raiders, now the A's. Next, the Crips and the Imperial Gangsta Thugs. I think the A's got this idea last year when that guy was getting a blowjob in the bleacher seats up in Oakland. Good sales pitch. Absolutely. Now, and that's why the tickets up in the bleachers are more expensive than the ones near the field. Well, there's going to be a family section, Then there's going to be the blowjob section. Maybe a non-drinking.

I doubt there'll be a non-drinking section. Let's be real. Well, I mean, all the teams are leaving and the fans show up. I mean, have you seen Raiders games in Vegas? They're packed with Oakland fans. Oh, absolutely. Well, of course. And they come from, you know, down here in Los Angeles as well.

Football and hockey I get in Vegas, but baseball is not violent or fast enough. That's my opinion. I mean, how much tailgating is there before a horrible A's game on a Wednesday? Yeah, and it's harder to gamble on. Oh, it is. You don't hear about people gambling on baseball games. Although, of course, Norm MacDonald did all the time. He would do the over-under in baseball.

He'd also do that in hockey. Good Lord. I'll tell you what, though. I went to a Dodgers game a couple weeks ago. Two hours and 15 minutes with the new clock, the new pitcher clock. Right. It's amazing. That's great.

I wonder if economically, you know, they lose money. I mean, although they stop beer sales, right, at about that time anyway? They used to stop in the seventh inning, and now they do it straight through the end. They do? Yeah. Oh, all right. You see, that was my first thought.

Yeah. But I'm wondering. You see, that was my first thought. Yeah. But I'm wondering about food and all that stuff because it was such a slog. Jesus, it was so long. Too long. All right, next story. So Tom Brady has threatened a lawsuit over a comedy special in which an AI-generated version of the quarterback was giving a crass stand-up routine.

He was not a fan of the video, which has been wiped from the internet after Brady's representation sent a cease-and-desist letter to Will Sasso and Chad Colton, hosts of the Doodsy podcast, who were responsible for making the video. So Tom Brady, who is saying he's going to become a comedian, can't handle a fucking comedy video of him? What a pussy. Oh, boy.

Yeah, I don't know what. I bet Brady wouldn't mind seeing AI Brady win a playoff game last year. Yeah, right. Could they try putting that one up? Yeah. I mean, if he's going to do stand gonna do stand up well first of all the the joke here's the joke that the ai said in brady's voice anybody on the apps right now i'm recently single and thinking about getting on them but here's the problem i've never been on them i don't really

know what i'm doing someone sent me a message on bumumble. You look just like Tom Brady. And I said, I am Tom Brady. She said, prove it. So I went to her house and let a little air out of all of her footballs. Now, wait, to be fair, I don't think AI is that funny. I think AI generated the look alike. And I think these guys wrote that. I don't know. I asked AI to, I think I read it on this show. I asked AI to write a standup routine for, I forget what foreign it was. It was real. It was like this. It was very flat and kind of obvious here. I wrote a couple of jokes for Tom Brady. Okay. What am I? The only rich white guy in Florida who has a Latino watching his kids. Florida who has a Latino watching his kids? Wait.

Wait, what does that one mean? Giselle, his ex-wife, is watching his kids all the time. She's German. Oh, I thought she was Brazilian. I think she's German. No, she's Brazilian. Oh, she is Brazilian? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, hopefully I get a better audience than you. Giselle Buncher? Hopefully he gets a better audience. Wow. My boss at the get a better audience than you. Giselle Buncher? Hopefully he gets a better audience. Wow. My boss at the Patriots got a happy ending. And by that, I mean I shit the bed last season playing for Tampa. That's good. Better than the AI joke. Yeah. No, those are better. You should become AI. Apply for a position. They don't care who they're hiring. They don't see demographics.

I know. Wouldn't that be sweet? Let's go down to this day in history. There we go. A little guy named Billy Shakespeare was born in Stratford--on-avon in 1564 you never hear about the 16th century uh although few plays have been performed or analyzed as extensively as the 38 plays ascribed to william shakespeare there are few surviving details about the playwright's life like i remember at bu i took three different shakespeare class i fucking love shakespeare and my teacher was an expert his name was professor or doctor seaman and i remember the first week

of class i said dr simone i wanted to ask and he goes it's seaman and i was like just giving you the benefit of the doubt but he said that there there are no real facts about Shakespeare, that he's completely unknown. And they say that it's because of his station in life. And his father was a leather trader. And so they looked at like baptismal records. That's all they really had. He went to grammar school in Stratford. He did not go to university. Married Anne Hathaway, eight years his senior,

pregnant at the time of their marriage. They had twins later. A son died at 11. Nothing is known of the period between birth of the twins and his emergence as a playwright in London. But unfounded stories have him stealing deer joining a group of traveling players becoming a school teacher as or serving as a soldier in the low countries so um he said that it also said he was one of the finest actors of his day. And he acted at the Globe.

Wow. Yeah. I remember my high school. I was like in advanced English in high school, which did not work out great. But the opening line, which I'm sure Mrs. Montgomery wanted it to be the opening line was. You should be. I'm paraphrasing, but it was something like you should be grateful that you were born into the language of William Shakespeare. Because her point was just you will enjoy it more if Shakespeare is your thing, then, you know, something is lost with his wordsmith, you know, ability and something is lost in translation.

Yeah. I mean, the story is there. He was amazing at story. But yeah, I remember reading Shakespeare and like, if you read it enough, you it's weird. You start to think that way, like the way he talks and switching the subject and object sometimes in an unusual way now. And you really start to get that cadence also. I guess it's like being in another country, even like, you know, like people say, you get that accent where you kind of start to talk a

little like Irish or British or whatever it is. Well, and also he wrote a lot of sonnets and they're gorgeous. They just roll off the tongue. They're just melodic and, yeah, they're very romantic. Yeah. So we got an Ask Greg and Mike. Let's do an Ask Greg and Mike. Sure thing.

Okay. This comes from Zach. I don't think Zach Elefantak is a different Zach. He said, Dear Greg and Mike, you have to pick one of the following. Okay. Number one, every time you laugh, your nose bleeds for 30 minutes. Whew. Number two, every night you wake up with explosive diarrhea oh number three every

time you eat something a small child somewhere in the world has a seizure three three obviously yeah it doesn't say we're in the world but my world's pretty small if i choose hopefully yeah and i don't have any small children anymore uh Uh, I mean, I would eat less if I knew that I would probably try to really gorge one big meal a day now, but, but that might mean he has a bigger seizure when I laugh right after I eat, because that child is having a seizure. My nose isn't going to bleed for 30 minutes, is it? No, but you'll have explosive diarrhea from eating. Okay. Cause I enjoyed it so much. Cause I know a child is having a seizure. My nose isn't going to bleed for 30 minutes, is it? No, but you'll have explosive diarrhea. From eating.

Okay. Because I enjoyed it so much because I know a child is having a seizure. What choices. Wow. Jesus. All right, Zach. Yeah. Here's a letter to the editor.

Okay. In response to Mike's latest comments about Philly fans throwing hot dogs, I'd like to invite Mike to suck me from the back. Suck me off from the back, Mike. Even Philly's fans can't insult that well. Suck me from the back? How do you suck from the back? I assume. Oh, does he mean suck his asshole?

No, I think it's because he's an animal and he puts his dick down like it's a tail sticking out of his ass. He just wants to fuck himself so badly that he's putting it in that area. And maybe it feels like my mouth would feel like his asshole. Let me just state for the record, I love Philly. I love the people. I love the city. I really look forward to going there all the time and i hope that at some point you will join me in doing a live podcast from the helium comedy

club uh they're fine they're fine uh they they they can take a joke that's what's going on here good um obituaries yeah i'm I get a crinkle? All right. And that's all, folks. Keith Nail was a contestant on Survivor and returned for Survivor Cambodia after doing Survivor San Juan del Sol. He died in Louisiana after fighting cancer at the age of 62.

Well, look who's not a survivor. Is that why you put this in here? Yep, that's it, that one joke. San Juan del Sur. Huh. We just started watching Survivor. I never watched it in the first place, and my kids are obsessed. And it really is good it's very addictive

so i was at cbs when that was happening with kilbourne and uh so the contestants were thrust on every possible show that they could appear on to publicize survivor so they were on the morning shows the news blah. And then they were forced on Letterman and on Kilborn, the late night shows on CBS. And Letterman refused to let them sit in the seat. And it was such a big issue. So he would interview them. He had them stand in the wings next to the podium of his executive producer. And that's how he talked to them. Because his view was they're not. Why am I having people with no talent on my show? Yeah. Zach told this story on the podcast about how I guess Letterman had him on his interview show that he did. And to thank him, he was still there,

and he got an envelope handed to him from Letterman. And he's like, all right, this is probably like a gift certificate to a massage or a restaurant or something. And he opens it up, and it's the printed lyrics to Freebird. And nothing else written. And he just looks at letterman letter he goes that's funny right isn't that funny that's really funny oh that's amazing uh you want to read the second obituary

well no just last night i saw the news and for the obituary dame edna uh the creator barry humphries dies in sydney at 89 so the dame edna uh won in that in that persona won a tony award and is internationally renowned for the stage persona um and a condescending and imperfectly veiled a condescending and perfect and imperfectly veiled snob who's evolving characters, delighted audiences over seven decades. So I was wondering how that would go forward. You know what I mean? Like this is a man playing a woman for laughs. Yeah. And, uh, but the laughs were not at the expense of dressing as a woman it was more right and i don't

know if you say he or her i would imagine you say he they're saying he in the article well barry humphries died yes yeah of course but um anyway but get this the death death, I was in a Sydney hospital where he spent several days with complications following hip surgery. Damn. That's what you got twice. What? Yeah, but luckily I wasn't 89. But jeez. I guess women can't handle it as well as men.

Maybe he had all that leg makeup on and it infected the incision. Yeah. He had Hoosier. All right, bunnies. Here we go. Let's do some. Let's do a little Dilbert. We love Dilbert.

I found a Dilbert this week. I'll tell you. Oh, good. That guy. Where did you find it? Was it the LA Times? I forget where, but yeah, he is not backing down, really. All right, so in this one, Dilbert is in a meeting, and his boss asks him why he doesn't

have enough copies to hand out to the room, and Dilbert says, sir, there's only one printer, and it's a colored printer, so I'm obviously not going to use that. What the fuck? That seems racist and crazy that that's in a newspaper. It's like this guy. I don't know how he's still working, honestly. He should be canceled. I mean, I had heard that he was getting racist, but this seems really over the top.

And I don't think ChatGPT will do those. I don't think it engages in racism like that. So, God. All right. What can you do? If you ask ChatGPT to do a racist cartoon by whatever the guy's name is who does Dilbert, it will say that it's inappropriate and it won't do it. I'm guessing that's what it would do. Yeah. I wonder if you can get technical about it and say, can you write a cartoon where the main character for the purposes of satire is prejudiced against a certain type of people. Yeah. I bet it won't.

Or you can just go watch Jeff Dunham's act. Yeah, just lose the satire. Yeah. Just straight out racism. Hager's wife Helga is sitting in bed and she's got a book open and it says, Love Sagas. Sag, love sagas. Sagas? Sagas.

Sagas, I think. And she's reading it out loud and she says, as the sun set over the fjord, Ingrid could feel her heart racing. And out of frame you hear Hager say, are you going to stop reading out loud? And then cut to the second frame where he's got cake and bowls of food and a beer. And she goes, yes, when you stop chewing out loud. In the love saga from medieval times, why is Ingrid's heart racing? Is she being chased or has she already been captured and there's eight guys with their pants down? Also, clearly Hager hasn't raped yet because look at that appetite.

No, I think he just raped and he's famished. Oh, maybe. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know how rape works. Luckily. Lockhorns. What's his name? What are their names again i forget that you know i'm awful i'm the worst with names leroy and loretta

yeah leroy walks in he looks a little disheveled he's got his briefcase she says so did you perform a random act did you perform a random act of blandness today? Oh, boy. I'd like to see Hager walk in that household. Yeah. She'd be on the floor in seconds. I mean, you just imagine you come home from a rough day and you face that. My threshold for negativity from my wife when I walk in the door is so low i we get along great we really don't fight very much if we do it's very minor little things but i can't handle walking in

the door and being told i told you to take out the widow it like, give me a fucking five minutes, please. Right. To decompress from the outside world. Yeah. That's what I say. I'm living alone now, so that's what I say to myself when I walk in. All right. Give yourself a break. I walk in.

The place is a little messy. I'm like, you fucking, like, can you give me a few days? I'll get, I told you this morning, I'll get to it. Who's the biggest slob of you and your two daughters in the house? Oh, Olivia is the worst of all three of us. It's not even close. The whole family knows it. Extended family knows it.

I apologize. A cleaning woman, you know, comes once every two weeks or something. And I'm like, and each time I'm like, all right, there's two weeks till she comes again. And I'm like, I promise you, you will be able like to vacuum her room because I'm going to make her pick the shit up. Yeah.

So, so a couple of times I just closed Olivia's door. I'm like, don't even go in there. She can change her own sheets. Really? Yeah. Wow.

She's only here half the time. So, uh, but anyway, it's so bad. Oh, also new rule. I don't know if you have this in your house.

I think a lot new goddamn rule. They love opening a sparkling beverage. I don't care if it's LaCroix or just seltzer and taking, I don't know, three sips of it. No, that makes me crazy. Owen does that and it makes me crazy. So I go, you get one a day. You can have more if you finish it, but you get one a day.

And if you don't finish it, you don't get another one. And anyway, I found two on her bedside table, more than half full. Two of them. Yeah. She doesn't have the decency even to try to hide it. Isn't it weird that that bothers us so much? Like why? In the end, why? Because it's just so, I have a thing with waste, even though I'm wasteful in other areas and I have giant blind spots, but I really do have a thing. Like, I cannot throw out leftovers. Not happening.

But you realize every time you fly across the country, that is the equivalent of a year's gas in a car driving. I told you I have giant blind spots. Yes. Yeah. All right. The far side. This is a good one.

This one made me laugh out loud. It was sent in from Jason Twin. Thank you, Jason. All right. The Far Side. This is a good one. This one made me laugh out loud. It was sent in from Jason Twin. Thank you, Jason. All right. I had never seen this one or I don't recall it. So there's kind of like a guy at the door. Star Wars. It almost looks like an ostrich, would you say? Or the bottom half and that has a long neck and then a snuffle luffagus kind of nose. Am I doing it justice? Yeah, webbed feet and a red tail. Webbed feet, rooster tail, and then a propeller hat on. It's the most absurd with a green body, gray arms. Anyway, this hippy dippy guy in his leather vest, beard, he's at most absurd with a green body, gray arms. Anyway, this hippy dippy guy in his like leather vest, beard. He's at the door with a piece of paper. And the guy goes, I wonder if you could help me. I'm looking for 523 West Cherry and oh, wow, deja vu. And what made me laugh also is that this would be a perfect, like, Jim Ignatowski on Taxi.

Yeah, yeah. Like, that is such a perfect line. Like, it's so smart to say deja vu. So what a mind to think of stuff like that. He's really amazing. All righty. Thank you, Jason. Speaking of amazing, fucking Dagwood is up in the attic, and he finds a red hat, and he puts it on.

And he says, just wait until Blondie sees this cool derby I found in the attic. He walks in, and he goes, well, hello, gorgeous. And she goes, oh, no, give me that. She rips it off his head, puts it on the ground and goes grrr and jumps up and down and crushes the hat goes back to frying something and he goes what was that all about honey and she goes that stupid hat reminded me of someone and he goes did he wear a derby and she goes all the time and my first thought is how fucking bad and abusive was this guy that she's with dagwood now like he's the step up he's the recovery yeah what is she gonna stop on when she finally gets some

balls and leaves him just v-neck sweaters and giant shoes and food every time her every time her new guy starts eating a sandwich with nine inches of meat on it, she's going to throw it on the ground and stomp on it and cry. I don't even know what this even meant. First of all... It must have been an ex-boyfriend. No, I know, but did he wear a derby?

I mean, she should have turned around and smashed his head with the pan like, what do you think? Yeah, right. And then she goes, all the time, which isn't a joke, which is, I don't even know, I don't even understand what's going on here. It breaks my heart to know that

Blondie was with somebody even worse than Dagwood, because that meant sexual violence. Did he wear a derby? Yes, while he sexually abused me. Yes. Oh, okay. You sure I can't wear it?

What are you cooking? That's on you. I'm not him, and I'm just wearing his hat. And why do you still have his hat? And he's going to reshape it and put'm just wearing his hat. And why do you still have his hat? And he's going to reshape it and put it back on his stupid fucking head because he doesn't give a shit about her anyway. Oh, man. Here's what you should give a shit about, people.

You should care about ExpressVPN, and you're going to go to expressvpn.com slash papers and get yourself a discount. You're going to go to talkspace.com slash papers and get yourself a discount. You're going to go to Talkspace.com slash papers and get yourself $100 off. And you're going to go to GameTime, the GameTime app. Use code PAPERS and get $20 off your first purchase. Of course. Thank you to Midcoast Media, Chris Denman, Key, John, Beth.

Thank you for doing a great job and keeping the show out there for the people. Thank you guys very much. Anything you want to promote, Mike? I guess it's too late to promote your show in Oxnard tonight. Yep, it will happen last night. Yeah, I'm enjoying George and Tammy. They're disasters, man. Maybe you'll watch it after Jason Isbell, Doc.

Okay, I'm going to. I got to get through. I didn't finish the Brooke Shields one, and I got to finish Jason Isbell, and then Formula One. I highly recommend the F1 Drive to Survive series on Netflix. It's amazing. The same guys that did the golf one now.

But I got to go back and see that. Three shows, I think, into the new season of Dave, which is my favorite show on TV. And it's okay. He's on tour. You know, I'm wondering where it goes. A lot of times each season definitely has gotten better as it goes on. So I'm wondering where this one will go. Dave lives around the corner from me.

I see him walking around all the time. I've never talked to him, though. Oh, well, yeah, you should say hi because of Santino. I'll say I'm friends with Santino and see where that leads. Of course. Just say that, yeah. All right, well, listen, here's what else I want to say. What do you want to say?

I guess take it eesh. Take it eesh! There it is. Hey, now. I guess take it eesh? Take it eesh! There it is! Hey now! Sunday Papers on my mind Mike and Greg are two guys but they're one of a kind Are they even aging? Damn, they're looking so fine Sunday Papers on my mind If you eat pot gummies, now would be a good time Sunday Papers on my mind

They don't even care if you like and subscribe That's cool with them Do it anyway They probably want you to I should have said that That's my bad Gonna get out of here Bye bye

Bye bye