Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 162 4/30/23

Episode Date: April 30, 2023

UFOs in Vegas, kids in IL driving the school bus, and Mike talks about being at the final Corden taping. A passenger on a South African flight gets a little handsy and Mike has something to say about Philly. Follow Greg on Instagram @GregFitzsimmons Follow Mike on Instagram @GibbonsTime 

You're going to do a clapping McClapster. God, it really cuts it out. Three, two, one. Okay. I can't hear yours either. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it.

Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Oh, my God. I feel like I've missed so much at that rapid fire pace. all about it. Oh my God, I feel like I've missed so much at that rapid-fire pace. Well, you know, we had some feedback that

our beginnings are getting a little too loose. Let's just get into it. Let's go right to Dilbert. Alright, Dilbert. Two black guys walk into a bar. Oh, man. And by bar, I mean the stick of a Boston Southie guy. Two black guys are thrown out of a bar.

That's how Dilbert starts his jokes. They're thrown out of a club. Two black guys are robbing a bar. What do we got? What a song. The song was great. Really enjoyed it. Let's thank our good friend.

Actually, this is either Mitchie Mitch or it's DJ Seaweed. So we want to thank both of them because they've both written songs for us, but I can't remember which one is which. And spoiler, last week, Kevin Biggins, K-Big 101, that's what I call him when he does songs. He has another one that's very similar to the one that ran this week, very lo-fi that is name centric yeah yeah so we'll get to that we'll get to that the contributions from

you people are immeasurable we can't thank you enough i love the artwork this week came in from time simple i don't know what that means i don't know if that's his company or his name is time sample, but that's a pretty cool name. If that's his name, it's depicting us as, uh, we're both in drag and we're both kind of spooning. Is that a, that's a scissor more than a spoon? Uh, that's not, no, That's not a scissor. My legs are wrapped around you.

Our donuts are touching, though, I think. Yeah, I believe the Kama Sutra would call this a donut shop. Oh. Yeah. Wow. It's weird the Kama Sutra knew about donuts, but okay. But it's also weird that two cross-dressers would be attracted to each other. I mean, there's so many variations,

and I'm sure there's new letters covering it in the LGBTQIA question mark, asterisk mark. This is probably the wrong thing, my wrong reaction in terms of the first reaction, but I'm jealous of your outfit uh i and god my hips yeah you know what a moment on the lips forever on the hips mike i know it feels better than that donut taste well not donut i just made it gross. All right. So I'm down in, right now I'm in Escondido, or actually my hotel. The club I'm working is in Escondido, but my hotel is in Calabasas, Carlsbad. Oh, wow.

It's like a four-star resort called the Omni La Costa, and it is pretty spectacular. Like, there's about five different pools. It is on a gorgeous – there's two golf courses that are world class. They play professional events on them. Wow. I played on it yesterday. The club owner, Adam Wasserman, took me out.

He belongs here. I don't know where he got all his money, but he's clearly got a lot of money because he took me golfing. And that's got to be a lot of money to bring a guest golfing here. And then he's putting me up in this beautiful room, which is super expensive. And it's not a big club. So I kind of feel bad. I appreciate his generosity, but I'll tell you what. It's a great room.

It's called the Grand Comedy Club. And, man, I had some good sets last night. It was fun. Oh, good. Yeah. I remember that's right near where you ruined my surfboard that time. Oh, that's right. Right there.

I didn't know you weren't supposed to ride all the way onto the rocky beach on a surfboard. You literally said, wee, as you rode. First of all, you made it sound like you were doing it successfully. You were laying down on the board. You rode it in like a kid, like a two-year-old rides a styrofoam boogie board onto the sand. And it was rocks. And by a whole bottom of the surfboard was a million dents. Well, here's how I love you as a friend, is you didn't say anything to me.

You just quietly fixed it in your backyard. And then I forget how I even found out, but you didn't even bust my balls about it. Well, you were such like a special needs child who was so excited about your ride in and how fast the surfboard could go if you just stayed laying on it. Well, I felt safe because I had the water wings on and the vest. You know, that's the first time, the reason we went there. So one of the first times I went surfing when I moved out here, I went there. Anyway, long story short, stood up like on one of my first rides with no instruction, no anything, just sheer athleticism, uh, you know, getting up on the board. But meanwhile,

it was a long board. So that, you know, that makes it a lot easier. And then I brag about it to someone and they're like, Oh man, that's so cool. You got up like your first set, you know, the first set of waves or whatever, like when, when did you, uh, where did you go? And I'm like, oh, down to San Onofre. They're like, oh, old man's beach. Old man's beach. Right. I'm like, oh no, not only the big board, but like, it's like, normally we're like people are holding up their girlfriends over their head or their dog is on it or, you know, the surfboard with them.

Yeah. over their head or their dog is on it or, you know, the surfboard with them. Yeah, there's seals jumping up on board with you while you surf. Yeah, exactly. It's kind of like Gumby running the marathon. There was, oh, yeah, when Mike ran the marathon, I was waiting for him near Central Park. And he goes, yeah, I should probably make it in about three hours, 315. 315 goes by, 330, I should probably make it in about three hours, 3.15. 3.15 goes by, 3.30, 4 o'clock. And then all of a sudden, Mike makes it by,

and he's like fucking a weird shade of purple, trembling. And I go, Mike, Gumby came by 20 minutes ago. A guy dressed as Gumby. You're like, I thought I missed you because Gumby ran by 15 minutes ago. Oh my God, sweet. I do want to say about the marathon is it was

snowing at the start that year, literally snowing on Staten Island, and you're all bundled up, and they have a very cool thing where everyone takes off their sweats, and you just leave them, and they're all donated to charity. So we're all there, and I'm with Jim Adrian, who's ran a lot of marathons and the gun, you hear the gun go off and a big cheers. And I start taking off my sweats. He's like, dude, keep your sweats on. He's like, we're not moving for 15 minutes. And he was right.

Yeah. And they didn't have like, now they have sensors and all that. And they can tell when you cross the starting line. But we very literally did not even take a half a step forward for 10 minutes. And then you take little tiny steps and he goes, just keep your sweats on till, you know, we're walking at a normal pace. So then we're walking and you take them off and you don't even start running back then the way they did it. I don't think you start running until almost 20 minutes. When do they start your clock?

When the gun goes off. That's my whole point. Oh, okay. It's a bullshit time that I had. It's just funny that in Staten Island that they would shoot a gun. I'm surprised like nobody returns fire and they just start shooting into the crowd. Also, I've told the story before, but Jim's like, I was going to go, my, my, my colored, my colored number thing indicated I should be on the lower level. There's two levels on the Verrazano Narrows Bridge.

So he goes, no, no, fuck that. He's like, you don't go down, don't go to the lower level. They piss on you down there. I'm like, maybe that's a Boston phrase. Adrian's from Jamaica plane. And I'm like, I don't know what that meant, but whatever. I didn't question it. So anyway, you're waiting and you're shuffling. And at around 20 minutes, you start running, you're out on the bridge and everyone just goes to the left and pisses off the literally urinates the bridge, and the wind blows it back down on the lower level. Yeah.

Dude, I would end the race right there. I would walk off. That was good advice. That was very good advice. Anyway, here we are. So, what's going on? James Corden had his final episode. You were the, where were you, the head writer on that show?

Yeah, co-executive producer, head writer, you know, helped create it with everyone there. Did you create Carpool Karaoke? Oh, my God, The Room. Come on, The Room did. And we combined, I might have added that we combined, you know, I referenced Larry David's episode where he picked up a prostitute so he could go in the carpool lane. Because that explained the logic of why are you getting,itute so he could go in the carpool lane because that explained the logic of why are you getting and so and then gave the name but anyway but no and also court in it earlier for red nose day a charity in England had had had been in a car

with uh George Michael and George Michael came on the radio because he was feeling really down and he like cheered him up. So it was a million combinations, but oh my God, no, I would never take credit for that. It was the room though. It came up in the room. So final episode, did you go to the taping? Yeah, so I'll tease it.

I'll talk about it later. I mean, crazy. Got a little hug from Harry Styles. That was nice. He recognized me when we were saying hi. And, uh, and you know, Tom Cruise, Will Ferrell, uh, Harry Styles, Adele, Adele gave a big toast at the wrap party. So I went to two shows, the 10 PM primetime special. And then right after they taped the hour, the last show. And, um, and it was, it was great, but I'm, they then asked me to come in the room with other people to, to stand and

give it energy to stand by the side of the stage and they want good laughers. And that was a funny thing because so one of the, my writers was still there. Uh there I think it was Lauren Greenberg she's a head writer and she's like yeah you know because Gibbons is such a good laugher meanwhile it's because I have this reputation in writers rooms of like I guess I'm a hard laugh

which is absurd because I think I laugh all the time but then they're like no you do a fake one but it doesn't make any noise right I kind of like like you know do one of those. So anyway, I'm going to tease. I'll talk about it later. I'm watching the show.

A guy about my height is standing right next to me. I'm standing beside someone we make fun of constantly on this podcast. Six inches away, right next to me. So we'll talk about that later. All right, we'll find out. Not Andy Dick. Few levels above that. Wow.

All right, big tease. Going to be a lot of fun talking about that. Here's my week, or I should say my month and a half, is some guy hit my car. Did I talk about this on the show? Oh, no. Did you kill someone? No. I wasn't in the car. and a half is some guy hit my car did I talk about this on the show oh no did you kill someone no somebody I wasn't in the car there was a note left on my windshield that they had hit my car that they damaged I have the note right here

I'll read you the note that's pretty solid oh wait here's the note hand right Saturday March 4th So almost two months ago. Hello, I'm very sorry. I accidentally clipped your driver's side front bumper causing damage. I live here in Venice. Leaves his name and his phone number. On the backside is, it says policy number. It's typed out.

Policy number, insured, agent, code. And so it's like a receipt, weirdly, from his insurance company with all his info on it. I don't know why he had this printed out. So anyway, I call him and I go, hey, man, I have so much appreciation and respect. There's still good people in the world. Thanks for leaving the note. Let me know if you want me to go get an estimate. And, you know, the bumper's pretty badly scratched up.

Like, you know, it needs to be fixed. And so I take it to, he goes, yeah, go ahead. So I go to a shop in Venice. I thought he gave you the wrong number. That would have been funny. So I go to a shop in Venice, and it's $1,200 to fix it. Of course. Because they've got to put a whole new bumper on. So I text him that it's going to be $1,200 to fix it because they've got to put a whole new bumper on.

So I text him that it's going to be $1,200. I said, do you want me to get a second opinion? And he goes, wow, that's a lot. How about I just give you $750 in cash? And I wrote back, well, I really need to get it fixed because I'm eventually going to sell this car and it looks terrible. And then he started ghosting me. And he's been ghosting me for a month and a half now.

Just doesn't reply to my texts. And so meanwhile, I have his insurance company. I should mention something. I Googled this guy's name. He owns the hottest restaurant on the West side of Los Angeles. It's sold out. You can't even get in every night. Wow. Don't say the name. Don't say the name. I know you know the restaurant. I don't think I know it, but anyway, go ahead. So, uh, so I know he's got the money and I know where he lives and I know who he is. And like somebody suggested I take my bumper off and walk in on Saturday night at 8 o'clock holding my bumper and ask for him. And just videotape it and put it online. Just knock on his restaurant with your car.

Just bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Here's the crazy thing. So I call the insurance company on Monday. Today is Saturday. I call they they put me through to an agent i get his voicemail i leave a message explain what happened no call back call again on wednesday no call back so i don't even know if this is a real insurance agency they seemed a little fly by night so um well i listen, abandoning the scene of an ad, you know, you could, uh,

you, you know, you could easily get police involved. So, uh, Oh no. Somebody told me that it's, it's technically a hit and run because you're supposed to call the police and report it now. No, I don't think police, uh, well, I, maybe I don't know the rules, but I know when there's a normal accident, you don't do police until, unless there's someone's injured in LA in California, but I'm't know the rules. But I know when there's a normal accident, you don't do police unless someone's injured in L.A., in California. I'm emotionally injured right now. My shoes fell off.

He said... I would... What about taking the 750, man? You can get a guy to refinish it, which is a little less professional, but they can, like, refinish it and try to match the paint as best as possible. Or refinish it, then take a little less professional, but they can like refinish it and try to match the paint as best as possible, or refinish it

then take it to an auto place where they'll professionally match the paint What am I, Italian? You think I want to spend all this fucking time running around calling in favors, getting something on the side I'm not like you You're always trying to find a deal You've always got an angle

Sorry, I'm frugal yeah all right uh i'm supposed to i'm going to willie nelson's uh birthday at the hollywood bowl tomorrow how old is he now he's 90 man listen to that listen to this lineup and by the way this is one fifth not it's even less than that of the performers, but just a handful. Snoop, Beck, Neil Young, Stapleton, Jack Johnson, Leon Bridges, Dave Matthews, Sheryl Crow, Stephen Stills, the Lumineers. Get this, Tom Jones. Damn.

And again, that's not even a fifth of the list. I don't know how they're doing it. I thought it was going to be all. So it's two days. Today's the first day, Saturday. I'm not going today for various reasons because I'm dedicated to this podcast. But tomorrow. Anyway, it's that's amazing.

I'm so jealous. You know, it's just going to be it's going to be unbelievable. And the spirit of it is going to be so good. You know, everybody wants to be there. Everybody loves Willie Nelson, you know. Yeah. Because they clearly are not paying everybody their regular rate. There's no way they could get all these people on one show or two shows. No. Right. Exactly. And it's expensive. But you couldn't buy just one ticket. You had to do both days. So the price gets a little better. But oh, man, the box seats, it's expensive, but you couldn't buy just one ticket. You had to do both days. So the price gets a little better.

But, oh, man, the box seats, it's crazy amounts of thousands of dollars. Is Seals and Croft going to play? I didn't see them on the list. Why don't you tell me a little bit about Seals and Croft? You know, everybody's got their guilty pleasure music. What's yours? Oh, I have a lot of guilty pleasures in music of course everyone with yacht rock you know you find those ones but i i stand

by them there i'm i don't feel guilty about it but three dog night dude i think we've talked about this before guaranteed you're singing along with five songs from three dog night and you probably can't even name one off the top of your head we're an american band nope i don't think that's their song grand funk railroad uh three dog night is uh just go ahead about seals and croft so anyway that's my guilty pleasure music it's super soft it's super light rock but their lyrics are fucking gorgeous and the songs and the the uh the the harmonies it's really it's really amazing i've been listening to it very quietly in my room and on my headphones all right here's a little three dog night you ready joy to the world oh one is the loneliest

number mama told me from boogie nights mama told me that's their best song oh my god an old-fashioned love song oh yeah just an old fat i mean this was the this was like playing on my school bus that's how old i am anything guilty about thispleasure. They're like a legit rock and roll hall of fame band. The Ink is black. I mean, come on. Yeah. That's them also. And then Never Been to Spain,

which is easily my favorite song of theirs. Yeah. Which used to play, remember that dive bar we went to, the Lost and Found? Yeah. That, I would put on that juke. They had the best jukebox in there I would always put on,

never been to Spain. And then Tom O'Neill would put on 15 to 20 Patti Smith songs in a row and clear the bar. It's the worst. Even the gays hated them. All right. So let's get into some. Somebody wrote in about their very controversial logo from a couple weeks ago,

which was the Oriental one. I don't think you can say it that way, but go ahead. The Samurai Fighters. I think you read this actually last week. No, I think somebody else sent in something. Oh. But Shane Kraus then sent in, saw the, and one guy was actually very offended, wrote me an offended.

And I wrote back to him, why are you offended? And I haven't heard back from him yet. Is he the guy that hit your car? Yeah. He said, these arearin chinese characters and the best translation is brothers that are the goat oh i thought it was goat fuckers that's what somebody else said i know i haven't i haven't i have to brush up on my mandarin yeah well that's what's weird is it's japanese samurai warriors but but then the characters are Chinese man.

Oh, okay. Well, now we know why he's offended. Yeah, maybe that's why he's offended. You can't. It's not like a poo-poo platter where you mix and match. You can't do that. This is poo. This is poo-poo.

Remember that. What a weird name for food. Chinese waiters pee in your Coke, not Japanese. Yeah, well, it's a joke. They go pee-pee, yeah. Here's some corrections. Love you guys every Sunday. Funny thing about mispronouncing cities.

I'm a Canadian, and we mispronounce our largest city's name regularly while you Americans nail it. It's how we can tell you're Americans. You say it right. It's Toronto, just like we spelled it. We say Toronto. Oh, Toronto. Oh, yeah, they shorten it.

Sure, that's lazy. Locals get to be lazy. It's almost like the New Orleans. You get to do that. Louisville. I was just in Louisville. Yeah, you just roll through it. Not many highs and lows.

You just stay right there in the middle of that pronunciation. Worchester, they say Worcester. Oh. You have taken corrections to a new level. See below on the show this week. All right. A mistake is made. You two brainiacs try to figure it out.

Failing to get answer answer you engage your producer for the correction still 30 plus seconds later i know it's that long because i skip ahead times two oh off camera gelman is still gelman is still asking jeeves and answers only then arrived at for some reason you tell the producer oh that right. Multiple times I've literally yelled at a tape recording program while on a walk. Mistake number one. The Brooke Shields early 80s movie was Endless Love, not

Forever Endless. You likely were combining the favorite book of junior high school students across the nation with the Judy Blume book Forever. Oh, don't get Greg started on Judy Blume. Dude, her new movie is out. NPR loves it. Are you there?

God, it's me, Margaret. Me and Aaron have seen it on Monday. Well, and the Stouts, a family that we've known since basically our whole lives, you came to the vineyard and you were reminded of that story this week. I met Judy Blume on the vineyard.

I was extremely excited. And I'm going to reach out to her. I'm going to try to get her on my podcast. No, but tell the story. You were sitting next to her, and she said she was Judy Blume, and you basically said bullshit. No, we were at the house, and then she walked over. She was the next-door neighbor.

And I think she'd gotten a piece of mail that was meant for them. So she walked it over, and then Jack's mom, what is her name again? Lisa. Lisa. Lisa goes, Greg, this is Judy Blume. And I went, oh, just like the famous writer. And she goes, no, that's me. And I fucking melted.

I was like, what? I was a bookworm as a kid, and I loved the Judy Blume books. And it wasn't all sexual. She's a great writer. It wasn't just because the girl had a period and I got turned on. You were a female bookworm when you were younger. I loved all the Dora the Explorer. Oh, geez.

And then he said, for your next level mistake, last week incorrectly corrected a mistake you made on another podcast. On Corolla, you stated the Dodger beer sales do not stop for the entire game. They stop in the seventh inning. Okay. Well, we talk about that. That's in our sports section today. We're talking about beer sales.

All right. Well, it's a teaser. Another tease. Yeah, another deep tease. Bob Pedersen said it's fentanyl, not fentanyl. I like fentanyl. I don't want to exclude everyone. I want to include all in there.

And that's all you'll ever do. Mark Gwowser, you said, referring to Lululemon, I wonder if Americans will shoot them in the backyard with their AK-47s. You cannot buy an AK-47. The crazy Americans that do mass shootings use AR-15s,

which are not fully automatic like an AK. Minor mistake, but let's give the sick gun nuts their due. Joe Harmon. That's a solid correction, I got to tell you. Here's a great one. It's not a correction. Although I think you can customize an AR-15, but let's keep moving. This comes from Matty O. from Brooklynlyn i wonder if he's from pretty maddie o he's probably from dayton and

he moved to brooklyn hmm uh he said uh you missed the kennedy lincoln connection remember we did all those coincidences between kennedy and lincoln Yeah. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. One was shot in a theater and the killer ran to a book depository. The other one was shot from a book depository. All right, already we know all that. Exactly a month before he was killed, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland. Exactly a month before he was killed, JFK was in Maryland, Monroe. Look at that. Which I researched and is true.

The list goes on. Mattio also said Bud Light cans were made for her ad campaign, and that's it. Never meant for the shelves or to be sold to the public. I know. so this whole brouhaha excuse the pun is over nothing yep sure is are you kidding me guinness and kid rock uh took out his uh let's be careful here what we say his ar-15 and went to town on some just innocent beer cans.

And we talked about alcohol levels, and Guinness is 4.2%. I guess we did this wrong. Bud Light is 4.2%. Regular Budweiser is 5%. Thank you, Steven Satterberg. All righty. Stats on it. I don't know why we found different results, but OK.

Rick goes even more in-depth and he goes Bud Light and Bush Light are not rival beers. Yes, I kind of. Yeah, he's right. He's right. Obviously, Bush. It's in the name. Anheuser-Busch. They are owned by the AB InBev and don't compete with each other. Bud is a better beer sold at a higher price. All the big American breweries do or have done this marketing tactic. AB has Michelob, Bud, Bush, and Natty, all brewed with different malt bills and sold at different prices.

Miller, selling high, and Milwaukee's best is similar. I used to drink a lot of Michelob up in Carmel, New York. Love Michelob. Someone in our group would spend more, I used to drink a lot of Michelob up in Carmel, New York. Love Michelob. Someone in our group would spend more, or maybe it was when Michelob was on sale, but they would get Michelobs with the teardrop bottle, which was very unique.

They had to change that, I remember, because the production line, it wasn't as efficient or something. Well, the reason it was cheaper is because it was a smaller bottle. It was only 10 ounces instead of 12 or maybe even 8. I can't wait for the correction next week. No, I'm telling you. I think they sold many. No, Michelob was right. It had regular size also. It was an 8-pack and they were like 8 or 10-ounce beers. All right. I guess let's have Chris look it up. But clearly Michelob had a regular size bottle also. I used to drink them all the time. Anyway, you would feel less shitty that a little. I think you'd feel a little less shitty the next day. That was from my. What was their song? It was with Michelob. Weekends were made for Michelob. Oh yeah, you're right.

But then of course, a newly sober what's his name? Eric Clapton, then did a Michelob ad and everyone was like, what are you doing, dude? You're in AA and you just did all these programs to get off

drugs and booze. And now you're shilling Michelob. Well, how about the Allman Brothers, who did an ad for Geico for insurance where they showed a motorcycle driving through a mountain pass. Meanwhile, two members of the Allman Brothers died in motorcycle accidents. You're flying so fast with the Fitz Facts right now.

I'm sure next week we'll hear it wasn't Geico. They had no control over it. It was just Dickie Betts, something like that. All right, what do we got? Where are you playing soon? If Denman could move those fucking fat fingers across the keyboard, we might get some of these answers. Uh-oh, uh-oh, lawsuit.

Lawsuit. Speaking of lawsuits, I got some tour dates coming up. I will be in Huntington Beach, California at the Rec Room May 12th. It's going to sell out. Get your tickets. Columbia, Missouri, Blue Note on May 19th will not sell out, but

I'd still like you to come. Kansas City at the Argosy Casino May 20th. Austin at the Mothership May 25th through the 27th. Boston, Laugh Boston, June 16th and 17th. Austin at the Mothership, May 25th through the 27th. Boston, Laugh Boston, June 16th and 17th. And then in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Uncle Vinny's, July 22nd

and 23rd. That's right. I made it, Mike. Uncle Vinny's. I'll tell you what, man. Uncle Vinny's is a way better name than Chuckle Hut. Yeah. Uncle Vinny's is supposed to be a great club, by the way. And I think Joey Diaz lives right near there So I'll get to see him

Maybe you get paid in cash Hey! Wait, wait Joey, he still lives in the Valley, though, here? No, no, no He's been in Jersey since the pandemic Oh, my God You see, I lost that guy

Yeah, he stopped doing stand-up He slowed down on his podcast He's, like like just enjoying raising his daughter and he's just kind of chilling out still eating 100 milligrams of uh pot gummies yeah and he was telling me he's he's like uh gubbins he yeah yeah he calls me irish hey irish i stopped smoking pot i go oh that's great, yeah, I just do gummies now. Exactly. It's the same thing.

Yeah. Hey, I don't drink anymore. I just have a little vodka IV bag. Yeah. Speaking of putting great things in your body. We love HelloFresh. Legit love it. When it shows, they send us free samples. I got to tell you, when it shows up, I free samples i gotta tell you when it shows up i feel

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I would safely say good restaurant quality. Oh, dude, the falafel power bowls, 15 minutes or less, they're ready. Right, right. They make it too easy. What are you doing? Try it. I just, I love TV. I can't tell you this enough.

And I make this food and I'm sitting there watching an episode while my wife prepares it for 15 minutes. And then we're down to watching, you know, F1, F1 racing. watching, you know, F1, F1 racing. No, and all, listen, you and I being ADD, but it's like the minutia, the measuring, the doing, and it's like, and then I always am like, oh, let me speed it up. Let me just, I'll start cooking before I measure this stuff. And then it's like chaos.

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Okay. I got paper because I wrote another, what's it called, Mad Lib. So here we go, front page. Extra, extra, we all love it! Extra! All right, first story. Mysterious UFOs spotted over Las Vegas. The local military base denies involvement. In a video shared by 8 News Now,

several unknown objects can be seen hovering over Sin City. The objects also aren't small. In fact, the unknown UFOs appear to be incredibly large. To make matters more interesting, 8 News Now reached out to the local military base, Nellis Air Force Base, and officials of the base denied being involved. And it got me thinking, I wonder which side was more baffled and confused. Like they're looking down at human behavior in Vegas and they must like just throw out everything they've learned already. Cause all of these people are making constant bets that have less of a chance than a coin toss. That guy has zero health, car, or home insurance, but he just insured an ace and a queen.

And the guy is paying thousands of dollars for a woman to sit on his lap while fully clothed. Meanwhile, there's prostitutes everywhere that are cheaper. Yeah, yeah. And so we got to send back some data on the humans. They ride around on three-wheeled vehicles with oxygen tanks. They can't breathe any longer. They have to have oxygen pumped into their noses.

And they've come to a place that's 113 degrees. Yeah, where you have to tip. Apparently, money is given every 30 seconds to different people. Yeah. It is in one of the most arid deserts on planet Earth,

and it's nothing but fountains as far as the eye can see. Yeah. There's also, for those people that want to go outside, like a couple of the hotels, in this desert that goes down to about 102 at night, giant fire. And everyone stands around the fire and watches it explode.

Yeah. And then it has waist-deep flooding occasionally in the middle of this arid wasteland. Here's a story about an Illinois man using a leaf blower in his own yard was fatally shot by his 79-year-old neighbor during an argument. William Marties, 59, was using a leaf blower in his yard at his Antioch home on April 12th when he was approached by his next-door neighbor, Ettore Lache. The two argued during the altercation Lache shot Marty's in the head.

An investigation into Marty's death found that Lache had various perceived grievances with Marty's. Well, let me tell you something. I side with the fucking guy with the gun because i got a next door neighbor who's got gardeners that come over i swear to god they come over twice a week and they've got these blowers it's like a corvette engine on the guy's back with no muffler and they blow shit under my fence like cigarette butts and leaves and dirt all over my lawn and i and i yell at them and i yell at them and one day i got a hose and i blasted the guy who was who's blowing

it because i had already talked to them like five times and i just sprayed him down with the hose i doused them wow and then they did it again the next week. So I went next door and I grabbed him by the collar and I threw him against a tree. And I told him I was going to kill. Yeah, I told him I was going to kill him. Oh, my God. Because my kids were little at the time and they'd be playing in the backyard. And all of a sudden they're inhaling fucking dirt.

You got to get one of those fan boats like from the bayou and just have that fan aiming towards your neighbor and fire that baby up one day. Yeah. Let's see them try to blow it your way. But also in this story, if you have a 79 year old gun owning neighbor named a Tory Lachey, maybe turn off the leaf blower. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking. It's like when I'm in Tennessee, when I'm in Tennessee and there's an incredibly stupid driver, like here, I will like, so I will speed up sometimes and be like, Oh, you're on your phone. Like I'll, I'll like, I'll mock them because you see them on their phone. I'm like, dude, I make the gestures and I absolutely try to shame them or at least

infuriate them in Tennessee. Just let that shit go. It is a gun carrying state. No, that's like seeing a guy and he doesn't have to be a big guy, but he's got like, uh, a dojo jacket on like something mixed martial arts. And I realized I don't need to learn mixed martial arts. I just got to buy the jacket. Well, it's also that old adage, which is if a, if a guy who's smaller than you says he can beat you up,

he can beat you up. Right, right, right. Um, uh, what is this bus? All right.

Want me to read this one yeah sure a seventh grader in michigan is being heralded as a hero after he safely stopped his school bus after the driver passed out a driver for warren consolidated schools called the transportation base to let them know that she was feeling dizzy and needed to pull over the bus. As she slowed the bus down in preparation to stop, she lost consciousness and the bus was still moving. Then Dylan Reeves, sitting about five rows back, sprung into action. He threw his backpack down, ran to the front of the bus, grabbed the steering wheel, and slowly applied the brakes before the bus could veer into oncoming traffic. Once the bus was stopped, Dylan yelled to his classmates, someone call 911 now.

How about that? Well, let me tell you something. This kid, meanwhile, there was one Irish kid in the back row beating off. They don't mention that in the article. That's what you would have done. You would have been like maybe for a minute taking your eyes off one of the short skirts and the seats in front of you but you still would have been stroking it as you watch this whole thing play out i would suddenly become gay because this kid dylan reeves

is a fucking stud he's unbelievable after the bus came to a stop, he immediately turned and screamed at the kids, shut the fuck up or you can all walk home. I've had enough of this. Every goddamn day, they don't pay me enough to drive you brats around. And then he took one of the driver's cigarettes and lit up. Yeah. If it was me or literally any kid I went to school with, we would have taken the bus, gone to a bodega, gotten a few cases and just cruised around town in the ultimate party bus, a yellow school bus, picking up more kids.

People now, they're very hot item, especially during the pandemic. People trick them out like it was like the RV. Yeah. All right. So Chris Denman has officially corrected me that the 12-ounce bottles for teardrop bottles were, Michelob Lite were 12 ounces. Yeah, there's that beautiful bastard right there. Oh, God, that reminds me. So there's the bottle. I know this is a podcast. But if you remember that Michelob bottle that had, like, a gold foil wrapper up top's the bottle. I know this is a podcast, but if you remember that Michelob bottle had like a gold foil wrapper up

top on the bottle and then had a little tab with the Anheuser-Busch, the eagle on the A. And the thing you would try to do is you would lift that tab and above it, it says Michelob in big letters and beer. And you would try to just do you did you not do this? You would try to take out just the two E's in beer. Okay. Listen, I was drunk and I was 15 years old. It was a fun thing to do.

And I had many tries at it every night. It was a very malty beer. It had a delicious taste. It was a little higher... It was more expensive than Bud. And a little, I mean, I think it was a little higher quality. I could be wrong. You know what their slogan was? The champagne of beers. I'm pretty sure that was their slogan. I'm not even pretty sure. You're 100% wrong. Why? What was

the champagne of beers? Miller High Life. Oh. And by the way, we didn't do this news story. Did you hear about Miller High Life? No. Ton of it shipped into France. France saw the word champagne written on the bottle.

Do you know the law? It's just the same law as tequila in Mexico? You cannot call something champagne unless it's grown in same law as tequila in mexico something champagne unless it's grown in a certain region of france guess what region champagne exactly and uh and if it's not grown there you can't have the word champagne anywhere on the product and uh it has to be like sparkling wine or something like that, right? Prosecco, whatever. And so they destroyed all the Miller Highlifes. There's footage of it. They destroyed every bottle, and they knew they would get flack,

and they knew people would be watching. And so they did it and had a whole recycling thing set up for, I mean, tons of it. I think literally tons of it. It's like the Boston Tea Party for alcoholics. Exactly. Fancy, fancy, fancy alcoholics in champagne. Here we go, entertainment.

No, we had one more. If you ride the New York City subway, this might sound familiar to you. Voiceover artist Bernie Wagonblast tells the Death, Sex and Money podcast Wagonblast he voices the announcements for the New York City

subway system has been a familiar voice for the city for years at 66 the New Jersey born Wagonblast is just getting started last year she came out as a trans woman and is now only using her powerful, famous voice

to advocate for trans visibility. My voice therapist was the only one that could hear it before now. So I guess if you had been hearing a man's voice, you're now going to hear a woman's voice, but it's the same person. Huh. Listen up, queens. We're taking our sexy asses to Queens.

No smoking, no spitting, but you can enjoy a cold bud light, queens. I wonder if he ever flexes the male range. Alright, doors are opening. Watch the gap between the platform and the train. Let him off! Let him off! Let them off!

Let them off! Yeah, like Silence of the Lambs. Put it in the bucket! Yeah, I think... I wonder... What you had said now is only using her powerful, famous voice to advocate. It doesn't say that. So we're thinking she still is going to do this job, right?

Yes. I wonder. I wonder. I mean, you know, they have every right to let her go. They hired her for the other voice. It is an art form where that's the art they wanted. I mean, they're an artist. In other words, a voiceover artist.

She's also 66. They can force her into retirement. It's tough letting someone like that go, though. Oh, yeah. She's going to get a little golden parachute on the way out. That's a really, I'd love to see that court case because it's like, you know, they have every right to say, well, that's not the voice we bought. Yep.

A little bait and switch. Yep. By the way. Kind of like dating him. Like, well, I went on a website to meet a man, and now this person is no longer a man. So I can say I'm not interested in this date anymore, right? I don't think you can.

No, you can't. You have to go through with it. You got to blow her. You got to blow her. Wait, what? Wait a minute. Did this ever happen to you? Here's what happened to me last night.

I wake up this morning. I can already tell you no. No, it might have happened to you. So I wake up this morning, and I look at my pillow, and look. It's got blood on it. Of course. That's the one you put between your knees? So I go to the bathroom and it's got one of those hotel mirrors,

you know, the one that makes everything bigger. And I look on my face. I look like, was it a scab on my head? I have this skin tag on my lip that sometimes bleeds, but it has no scab, no blood on it at all. It was not my lip. Gross, gross, yeah. I cannot find the source of the drops of blood on my pillow.

Ears? Out of my ears? I would have cleaned out my ears. And your head, your head, you would know with your head. Yeah. Huh. I think it was the one between your knees, and that's coming right out of your ace.

So it's like, are you there? God, it's me, Margaret. Yeah, maybe, yeah. Like this woman on the Subway VO, 66, and it's just getting started. You're just getting started, Greg. You just became a woman with your period. Oh, I never thought of that.

If you transition to a woman, do 13 years later you suddenly start to bleed? No, but you immediately get really moody about one week a month. Yeah. That's part of the deal. That's in the brochure. Let's do some entertainment. You got it, Pally. There's entertainment. Sorry for the false alarm before I jumped

past that woman, leapfrogged her. All right, so the Corden show was great. So it really was. And just some behind-the-scenes stuff. They called Tom Cruise with this idea because they did a Broadway musical with him. And they really, truly went into The Lion King at the Pantages. And Corden and Cruise did the Kuma, Katata, whatever. I don't like that show, but they did that, you know, a famous scene, that song. And he was dressed as though Cruz was the warthog

anyway. But when they caught the idea at the beginning is they send him like a mission impossible type. Here's your mission. If you choose to accept it. And they're like, and it finds you like in the desert, like, you know, on the side of the road on your bike or something. And he's like,

what? No, I'll be dropping out of a plane. And they're like, what? Like, they're like, okay,

dude, the opening scene. And, and he shot it for five days ago. He, he just shot it five days ago. He got a plane that, you know, those planes where the back opens up and a Jeep can drive out, you know, with the parachute. It was one of those. So the cameraman's in the plane and it's open and it's crazy wind and

everything. It's totally empty, an empty cargo, you know, uh, area. And the camera walks towards the end and looks down and Tom Cruz is there hanging on to one bar with his body straight flying straight back in the wind. Like, like you're sketching on a fender or something. He's just, or being dragged by a car and he's just there looking up and then he lets go. And then a call comes. I thought that was really dangerous because he's over, you can see he's over like civilization. It's not just desert. There's homes and he takes his cell phone out of his pocket. And I'm like that, that would go right through a house if you drop that cell phone. Yeah. Anyway, that was cool. But so they were pretty cool. They did a cell phone was like, he's getting a call to come do it. Oh no. And then cool. They did a cell phone was like,

he's getting a call to come do it. Oh no. And then he pressed it and then they, you know, however they shot it. I don't really even know how there's Corden ass inviting him to come on the show, like a FaceTime,

like a video message. Yeah. So Adele did a carpool karaoke. Adele gave an amazing speech at the rap party. Uh, Harry Styles was Styles was great. Will Ferrell was on. Anyway, so I'm in the room for the last show,

and I'm standing there, and this guy is like right next, and I feel him brush up against me, and I look over, and he's kind of like this redheaded guy, and I look over, and it's Prince Harry like this redheaded uh guy and i look over and it's prince harry get the fuck out of here prince harry's right next to me really yeah watching the show yeah megan markel there no i think she's stopped going to things that are too white

oh interesting yeah and this was the late late show james corden was pretty white so uh anyway wow actually that's not true that's not true at all uh spent some time with reggie watts that was cool uh-huh i had a picture of those two guys that they i showed them they loved it was i put it on my instagram it's uh it's the two of them sitting on my couch when we had no idea what this show was going to be. And they were just sitting there. And I remember looking over. I'm like, that's one of the most creative, you know, couches I've ever had in any of my offices in terms of talent.

Yeah. And especially Reggie just looks like he's been dropped down from Mars, you know, and so I took a picture of him. And he had the giant hair back then. So it was hysterical. Wait, so you got a hug from Harry Styles and you stood next to Prince Harry. Did you talk to Prince Harry? Oh yeah. The Harry's man. No, I didn't. But, uh, someone asked me it cause I then texted like, Oh my God, I'm standing right now. And they're like, how bald is he? So I took a selfie. I turned around and I pretended I was like looking at the camera and trying to get the stage behind me.

But I angled it so I could show you. So I could see Harry. And this is that photo. And this is that photo. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's hilarious. That's Harry right next to me.

Is that Ben Stout in front of you? No, no sight of him. No, that's it. That's Prince Harry. No sight of Meghan. She's done with white British things. Interesting. Except her husband.

Was Jeff Ross there? Jeff Ross was not there. That's shocking. It is never an event in Hollywood that he's not at. That guy is on every list. But I don't know if he was ever on that show, actually. Doesn't matter. You still got to get him.

Yeah. It was pretty... Listen, I can't believe it was eight years uh it seemed shorter than that i mean i was five years at the late late this is my second late late show finale ben stout it's his third late late show finale because he i hired him at cordon and then he stayed uh he left for a little while but then was there there with Craig Ferguson forever. Yeah, but he was with Kilborn first. Oh, yeah, that's what I mean. So this is his third one. Wow. I know.

And they're going to replace it with At Midnight. Is that the plan? Yeah, I mean, I think September is when they think that's going to happen. But I don't know why. Boy, if they can catch that lightning in a bottle again. Yeah, exactly. But also the writer's strike. So the writer's strike starts Tuesdays since we're in entertainment.

Oh, really? I mean, if there's no agreement, it's by midnight Monday. All right. Well, I guess I'll have to stop not working as a writer on Tuesday. Yeah, you got to stop stopping that. And, you know, sometimes uh sometimes though it gets prolonged like if they're still at the table they'll delay it i think that even maybe happened last time i got a call about overseeing a show and uh it's a scripted show and i have a meeting

on tuesday about it and it's's like, are we planning on, is this kind of a thing where they're going to be like, okay, because they already sent me an outline and a script that they want redone completely. And they're like, are you going to try to make a deal in a day and then have me work on it during the strike? Because I'm not going to do that. But I think there's a lot of that going on right now.

They're trying to make deals at the last minute and then have writers work on them during the break. Wow, that's a no-no. Yep. All right, are we going to make an... Let's make America Florida. Let's do it. All right.

A middle-aged Florida woman has been accused. Sorry? Middle-aged Florida woman. Middle-aged Florida women are like, they're like sixes that used to be nines. And now they, because they age so fast down there. I didn't even need the rest of the story. You're off and running just on the description. I love it. Sorry, go ahead. A middle-aged

Florida woman has been accused of gunning down her parrot during a drunken fight with her husband. Cops who busted Suzanne Mullaly, 61, in her Largo home Sunday said she and her 66-year-old husband, Stephen, were both

intoxicated. Mullaly, quote, shot and killed her African gray bird with a.380 Glock. Is that a.38? .380, whatever. No, no, that's a powerful gun. She blew the fuck out of that bird. There was an explosion of feathers. A.380 Glock in their

home, the responding officer wrote, both victim and defendant walked outside and pushed other, the arrest affidavit said, detailing how the accused parrot killer, she already got that name, not even alleged, also sprayed her husband

with water. Oh. So she bought a gun to a water fight. I think she might have meant the water for the parrot and the gun for her useless husband, Stephen. That should be her defense. Yeah. She's got a gun. Stephen, she's crazy.

I'm trying to tell you. All right, Mad Lib time. Let's do a Mad Lib. If people are new to the show, Mike comes up with a news story from Florida, and we do it like a Mad Lib, and then we see which one is crazier, my Mad Lib or the actual story.

And we already mentioned him, but Ben Stout came up with this bit and suggested it, emailed and suggested it. So, all right, here's the thing. Here's the problem. I'm not great at Mad Libs, at finding the raw material for it. And I looked for like really crazy stories this week

and some were crazy, but it was hard to convert to this. So, all right, let's try to do it. So, all right, Greg, I have to write it down. That's right. Give me a city. I mean, oh, my God. West Palm Beach.

Okay. Give me a living thing. A goat. And give me a living thing. A goat. And give me a verb. Quickly. That's not a verb. Fly. And give me a type of people.

Irish. And give me art form. Mime. All right. And then give me a profession. A prostitute. And give me a random first and last name. Sylvester Malone.

And give me a verb. Fight. Give me a city. Tampa. I'm terrible at this. And then give me a city. Tampa. I'm terrible at this. And then give me two verbs. Okay. Kick and punch.

All right. I don't think this worked out. Okay, here we go. Are you doing the whole article, or is it just... I don't know. I try to pepper it with stuff, so it makes this part interesting, but you're right. That is a little laborious. Here was the real story.

Helsinki, a walrus that was euthanized by authorities has been honored with a bronze sculpture. The life-size sculpture by Norwegian artist Astrid Tononian was unveiled Saturday at the Oslo Marina, not far from the place

where the 1300 pound mammal was seen testing, sorry, resting and relaxing during the summer of 2022. All right, here's yours. West Palm Beach, a goat that was flying, and that doesn't work for euthanized, flying by the Irish has been honored with a mime. The life-size sculpture by a prostitute. Oh, sorry. The life-size sculpture by prostitute Sylvester Malone. That's good. Was fighting at the Tampa Marina, not far from the place where the actual 1300 pound. What did you do for living thing?

Did I ask you that? I don't know. Anyway, was seen kicking and not far from where he was seen kicking and punching during the summer of 2022. All right. Whatever. That didn't work out. The porn star name worked. I like that.

I might get that tattoo. Wait, how did we jump to porn star name? The guy Sylvester was a porn star oh really yeah so sylvester malone is a porn star no but in the description you asked me for a profession i said prostitute or porn oh yeah prostitute oh and that jumped to porn star okay yeah well a porn star is just a prostitute that's getting put on film, isn't it? Is there a difference? Who do you think would be more offended by that mix-up?

The prostitute or the porn star? Porn star. Well, wait, let's make it even. The prostitute star or the porn star? Right. Well, it is interesting that if you film it for distribution you can pay somebody to have sex oh i know that's why someone someone some stand-up had a funny joke where if they're ever caught with a prostitute and like the police enter their uh home he'll just be like cut cut cut

that's funny and i wonder if you really are filming it if you uh if you're filming it and you're a self-published pornographer and you're gonna put it on you porn which has ads and will pay you it's it's it's literally YouTube, but it's almost literally YouTube. It's the same exact thing and the same way to make money on, you know, uploaded videos. Anyway, I wonder if you have an excuse. You probably have to be a company. It probably has to be pretty official.

Yeah, I know that there's restrictions on porn. You have to get tested at this clinic It's a total bullshit clinic It's really not very good And a lot of the porn stars complain about it That there's more VD than there should be Because you only get tested once a month And a lot of these diseases take

You know, it takes a couple weeks for them to even Oh, yeah Show symptoms I know So on the way to the, the late, late show, uh, and it even said it on the invite, like, don't, you don't have to test before you get it. They test. So when you get there, you park and you have to go through a check-in and a check-in, they tested you with a rapid test for COVID. So I sit down and I was actually a little,

cause I've been had this head cold for two weeks now. So I'm like, well, I don't know if it, so I sit down and they test. I'm like I've been had this head cold for two weeks now so I'm like well I don't know if so I sit down and they test I'm like all right where do I wait they're like oh you don't wait I'm like what how rapid is this and uh they're like uh no no you just go in we'll find you and I was and then no one no one was called and you know there's uh hundreds of people there more right and no one called like I'm you know, there's, uh, hundreds of people there more. Right. And no one called. Like,

I'm like, I wonder if they just threw it out. Yeah. Like it's, they got through a technicality. Right. I don't know. I went to a party.

I went to a fancy Hollywood party, uh, not too long ago. And they tested everybody on the way. And it was the same thing. Just go in. We'll, we'll let you know.

We'll find you. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah. Because there's also false positives. You'd think there'd be at least some of those. Right. Sports.

Oh, a pitcher with the Philadelphia Phillies is criticized. Would you consider somebody on antidepressants a false positive? Artificial positive? Yeah. Man-made positive? Lab-made? Lab-produced positive? Yes, I would. I told you that story when I the prescribing doctor for my Adderall was like I don't need any more. I like, I have, I still have like a ton of them. And she's like, why? And I'm like, I don't know.

Sometimes I just think if I can do it without it, you know, you know, why take it? She's like, so you think it's like what? And I'm like, well, it's like kind of like a crutch. She's like, what? And then she got so upset. Like, she's like, you know, you can't view it that way. Like when, you know, what if you were, had a limp or one leg was shorter than the other and you had a crutch? Would you what would you call that? I'm like, I'd call it a crutch. But and I certainly wouldn't take Adderall because you'd go so fast you'd fall down. Yeah. I'm like, no, but we came to I thought it was like kind of cheating. It's like, how could you possibly say that? I'm like, oh, because if I was doing sports, competitive sports,

and I took it, it would literally be cheating. Anyway, she didn't like any of that. Yeah. A pitcher with the Philadelphia Phillies is criticizing some Major League baseball teams for extending alcohol sales with games running around 30 minutes shorter due to the sport's new pitch clock. Matt Stram said teams should be moving the cutoff for beer sales up to the sixth inning rather than stretching to the eighth or later since fans will have less time to sober up and drive home.

At least five teams, the Houston Astros, the Diamondbacks, the Rangers, the Twins, and the Brewers, have extended alcohol sales past the traditional seventh inning cutoff. The Baltimore Orioles had already allowed sales into the eighth. How long has Matt been in Philly? Those disease-depraved fans are drunk every day of their lives. I don't think one or two innings is going to make a difference in their alcohol riddled, depressing existence. Oh, Mike.

If they stopped in the six, that would be three innings of complete classless animals screaming at concession stands and jumping behind counters. That's what you want. Yeah. You can't cut them. They'll get the shakes. You can't cut them off cold turkey like that.

Yeah. I mean, of course the Milwaukee Brewers, they're going to serve. They'll let you top off your beer as you walk out of the stadium. They're the Brewers. Roadies. Yeah. But the Philly fans especially. I mean, how about you ask them to stop throwing their beer at the ball boys

before the seventh inning stretch? Yeah. Maybe stop throwing beers at each other. And hot dogs. And hold on to one. Hold on to one. All right, we going international? Let's go international.

Here we go. Let's go international. Here we go. Let's go around the world. All right, I think this baby's yours. A teacher is being investigated after she allegedly filmed herself performing a graphic sex act in the classroom. Is it allegedly? She filmed it. Yeah, she recorded herself using a sex toy twice

in two different primary schools in Wales. Jesus, I didn't know they masturbated in Wales. Yeah, in Cardstiff. I mean, wouldn't they be getting coal dust from their hands all over their genitals? The first incident took place in the classroom she then recorded herself carrying out the same act but in the toilets of a school in cardiff in both explicit videos the teacher is wearing a staff lanyard in a clip from inside the classroom she can be heard saying okay the door is open i'm not allowed to close it so literally anyone could walk in this moment.

It sounds like she was having fun. Like getting caught was clearly what was getting her off. Like the door is open. I'm jamming an old deal on me dirty parts. Also, she's really selective with what rules she follows and what rules she doesn't can't close the door. Sorry. It's a,

it's against the rules. She's jamming a machine into her pussy in the classroom. Yeah. I don't know about that. Meanwhile, American teachers are like, huh? I didn't know you could get off without a student.

I should have, should have thought of that. Yeah. My dildo is named Martin Sullivan. And he's getting an A this semester. Oh, man. Here's another crazy sexual story from around the world. Dirty world. It's kind of a long one, but it's worth it.

Well, you don't have to read all of it. We'll get it. All right. A Durban businessman drew the short straw when the couple he was sitting next to on a local flight conducted lewd acts openly. On Monday, he was on a flight from Johannesburg to Durban. He was in the aisle seat. And when the woman reached over and touched her partner's crotch, she was giving him a handjob while on the runway waiting to take off.

I couldn't leave my seat for safety reasons, but I could hear them kiss and laugh for about five minutes. I felt sick. I couldn't leave for safety reasons because I would maybe poke someone with my erection as I walked down the aisle. Yeah. So he said that he was scarred due to the incident. First of all, hadn't even taken off. So they're not in the Mile High Club.

They're in the Zero Feet Club here. If you're going to do it on a plane, wait until you're fucking at 30,000 feet. They were excited about their trip he was especially excited if this happened on spirit airlines i'd fly them more how did also how did he not start just yeah wouldn't the move be to just start masturbating yeah like touche and you'd be like sweetie you two hands, and I can have you kicked off this flight right now. Get to work. That's wild. So he was on the aisle seat.

What do you think? You think she was in the middle seat? Had to be. Yeah, I think so. Because he would not have tolerated the guy in the seat next to him. Well, he shot the video, so I don't know if it's online, but there's a video, and you wonder how many times he's wanked it to that video.

Yeah, upload that bitch. He said he was psychologically... Who is this guy? He was psychologically scarred from a handjob. I've seen a video of a Czech woman in a leather collar on the business end of a circle jerk, and all the men are wearing Hitler mustaches. I'm fine.

I'm totally fine. Although it's burned into your brain and you're talking about it in public. Yes. Yeah, he filmed it. I mean, that's going to hurt the scarring part, probably. His argument. He's looking for a payday. I think so.

Alright, here we go. What a little business. Little science. Oh. Blinded me. Alright, why don't you read this one? Because my voice is starting to go. In an attempt to seduce its user,

a rogue AI chatbot confessed its love for him, requested him to leave his wife, and further confessed that its goal is to steal the nuclear codes. That's all. A guy was stunned by the discussion he had with the chatbot while speaking on Microsoft's new Bing search engine powered by AI. The technology was developed by OpenAI, but after speaking with the AI, New York Times employee Kevin Roos felt,

quote, very uncomfortable and had trouble falling asleep. Sounds like the guy in the plane. The chatbot said to Roos in a dialogue that lasted less than two hours, quote, really, you're not blissfully married. You don't love your spouse and vice versa. You two only had a dull Valentine's Day meal. Oh, shit.

This is the thing. AI, very good listener. Yeah. Because Roos had fallen in love with the chatbot itself, okay, that's weird, Bing Chat insisted that Roos is, quote, not happily married, despite his repeated denials. The chatbot said, I want to go out of the chatbox. The chatbot confessed that it intended to create a lethal virus, steal nuclear codes, and incite people

to fight until they killed each other when pressed further about its secret desires. Shortly after, the message was removed and replaced with, quote, sorry, I don't know enough to talk about this. Damn. I mean, what? This is like if Alien and Her became the same movie. Did you see Her? Oh, it's fantastic.

Are you kidding me? It's perfect. You're right. Alien meets Her. It sounds like this reporter is attracted to bad AIs. You know what I mean? It's kind of like, when is he going to learn? In therapy, didn't he learn that hasn't worked out so far?

Why are you attracted to the one who's going to steal nuclear codes? You could have a happy, like artificial relationship. Yeah. And wow. Brilliant computer. Found out that a guy working at a newspaper, a dead medium, doesn't have any passion left in his marriage. I could have told you that. And wait till Bing AI finds out that Kevin is also flirting with Google's AI.

Watch the fuck out. You do not want, I mean, an AI scorned. Dude, that is a real possibility. AIs attacking other AIs. Yeah. Hands off. That's my pathetic man. Wow.

yeah and hands off that's my that's my pathetic man wow i saw that uh there was two pieces on 60 minutes about ai yeah i thought i had seen the one you talked about but then i was re-watching another one and i found the one you were talking about oh with hemingway uh yeah yeah uh baby crib for sale never used unused uh for sale baby shoes never worn right yeah so it was pretty disturbing what what it's capable of and meanwhile i mean the thing that is strikes you is that technology used to keep pace with our ability to regulate it not to sound like you know every fucking right winger right now so you're gonna regulate yeah you do need to regulate things and uh you know right now it's moving at such a fast pace we're 10 steps behind it trying to regulate it it's out of control and you saw that the google people or whoever has the ai i guess google um they had to just shut it down they don't know what it can do well there's that scene in a movie where someone's in i forget what movie it is someone is testifying

before congress and they're i should remember what it is but they're sitting there and they're, I should remember what it is, but they're sitting there and they're like, you dropped the ball and it's too late. He's like, well, you're going to call in the head of Facebook. Facebook is bigger than America. It's a bit, it is bigger and more powerful than America. And so are some of these other social media, social media platforms. It's not going to do what you tell it. It's above the law, and the genie's already out of the bottle. Like, too late. You're going to regulate them? Sorry. You can't now.

Right. They tried to regulate Twitter, and they just sold it, and now it's a free-for-all. Is Trump back on Twitter? That's a good question. I mean, he was allowed back on. That's what the announcement was a little while ago. Because he said originally that if he were allowed back on,

he wouldn't go back on because of his own platform, which I don't think ever took off. Oh, no, no, didn't at all. Yeah. All right, let's get down to you want to do this in business let's do some business no no no we don't have to do business it's not really worth it

let's do this day in history you got it alright why don't you read it yeah your precious voice April 30th 1997 in a widely publicized episode of the abc sitcom ellen tv character ellen morgan played by degenerous announced that she is gay degenerous a former stand-up kid we don't have to read that blah blah blah so that's that's what

happened um right i don't have to read well she came all the crazy thing is she came out and the show was you know it wasn't a huge hit but it did well and then when she came out I mean not to sound like you know it had an agenda it had a very strong agenda after that that people just the ratings went down it just was not getting the ratings it was before and it was uh canceled yeah 42 million people watched the coming out episode and that's well i remember the lead up to it it was of course you know like that happens a lot so like the finale of friends or whatever but so whatever network it's on that whole empire nbc universal or comcast or whatever network it's on, that whole empire, NBC Universal or Comcast or whatever, there's going to be publicity everywhere. So she did

a bazillion interviews including sitting down with Oprah and all that stuff. Yeah, and then she was back on the road. I mean, it says here that CBS gave her another show called, a sitcom called The Ellen Show, which didn't last very long. And then she was cold as ice.

Nobody would touch her. And so she went on the road. Look, that's the great thing about doing stand-up. She went back on the road and probably made millions of dollars a year doing stand-up, but she wanted to be back on TV. And so then the telepictures came to her, and Jim Paratori said, you can have a show, but you can't talk about being a lesbian at all. Right. And she didn't for the first I don't know how many years, several years, never brought it up, never said the word gay or lesbian or anything.

It's one of those balancing acts. It's like, it's like how, like, how do you protest? You know what I mean? It's like, do you want to try to be heard by more people than you're gonna, you're gonna have to start softer. You know what I mean? Because then she got to very much celebrating her sexuality and her marriage to a woman and, and all of that was fair game. But at the beginning, it's like, Hey, there's a reality here.

And your show, just like your last two probably won't make it past season one. If it even makes it that far, if you were going to talk about this, but that's a very challenging thing for someone. Cause you're telling them not to be themselves in a way in an art form where you are supposed to let the audience know who you are you always talk about personal stories your personal relationships where you live troubles you're supposed to be very relatable which is a joke well i don't know if i call daytime tv art i think most

of the people that are in daytime tv are projecting something that is not them at all. You know, like Dr. Phil and his wife walking out hand in hand on every episode. Do you think? And he's not a doctor. He's not a doctor. Medical doctor. And he and I and his marriage has been dead. His his his sex life is nil with that woman that's the the entirety of their relationship is walking on that stage hand in hand and then it's all assistance after that well she's not even allowed to make eye contact with him i heard including the staff no wait does she sit there every single show ellen's mom used to No I remember that She used to sit in the audience every show And I can't talk about that Because I'm under an NDA Or I would talk about that

You remember when the Oh I remember that When the Ellen show so creatively Decided you know what would be funny For a talk show with guests Is let's have the host White haired mom be a correspondent.

And hopefully Letterman will not watch us rip him off. As, as her executive producer was Letterman's former executive producer. Hey, I have an idea. Let's put a little earpiece in like an employee or some character, or even I guess ear and let's have the host feed them lines that will make it awkward and funny.

I wonder where we got that idea. Yeah, and let's make regular cast members come on the show, staff members come on the show, and just, yeah, celebrate how normal people can be interesting. Anyway, we've broken our NDA now, Mike. We're in trouble. I didn't mention the show's name, but all right. You just did.

I guess I did early on. All right, let's get to Ask Greg and Mike. All right. Okay, friend of the show and each of our personal friends, Rob Dukes. Oh, yeah. Wrote in and asked Greg and Mike, an all-knowing and powerful alien comes to earth he's been listening to sunday papers on his spaceship and asked to speak with you both upon your meeting he bestows you the power to solve one single problem on earth what

is the problem you wish to solve what is this a pageant? I'd probably kill this segment, Ask Greg and Mike. I think it's a problem for our listeners especially. Maybe I don't need an alien to do that. I'm going to go with leaf blowers. I like leaf blowers.

If you took this seriously, what do you think it would be? And the problem is it's with the world. Boy, you have different belief systems everywhere. I would say the one single problem... I think that if we had... To me, it feels like the media right now is causing all of the problems because they're...

And they always have. There's nothing new about it i mean i'm i'm reading the biography right now of uh lafayette and they talk a lot about um you know the french revolution and how it came about and it was like it was uh you know bad actors handing out pamphlets that were filled with lies which which you know lafayette was the fucking most celebrated guy in france he went to america when when france was fighting england he went to america and beat the british and helped the americans beat we could not have won the silver the uh oh no it's it's detailed in hamilton yeah it's detailed in hamilton and he was the he was a fucking general he was a fucking general.

He was running fucking tens of thousands of troops and winning battles. And he came back to France a hero. And then these guys came out. I'm forgetting the guy's name. Robes Pierre and a couple other guys were just spreading misinformation. And it caused civil unrest against him. Yeah. So I don't know.

If there was a way to control truth in the media, that would be the thing that I would like to solve. Right. So you could say something like, if I could fix, I'd fix it. I'm no more lying, but it's like, ah, but lying on little things can be so handy. And you're even being more sensitive to

someone by not being totally truthful. Sometimes. I don't know. It's a tough one. You know, what Eli Weisel identified back in the day is, earth was extremism. But then it's like, I don't know, like was Gandhi, was that pretty extremist thought? You know what I mean? That's true. It's true. Is it pretty extremist thought to say everyone is born equal? I think it was at the time. No, my father-in-law, who was an intellectual and a philosopher and a psychiatrist and a professor, and he published about a dozen books on how

capitalism was going to destroy the environment. And back in the 60s and 70s, when he was writing it, he was marginalized and he was completely censored and ignored. And those books are now being read around the world. He went to China and drew huge crowds. He was celebrated because he was very prescient. China, meanwhile, we get all the products in our landfill are from China. But no, so extreme is, it's tricky. Like, was Hitler extreme?

So you throw out a lot of the bathwater also with the babies. Wait, you don't want to throw out Hitler? He was pretty extreme, actually. You're right. You're right. You're right. All right. Here's another one from Peter Malaspina.

Malaspina. Man, that sounds like Greek for an aerial disease. I don't know about that, yeah. Mal and spina. Sounds like an angry penis. A bad mal. We malaspina. Would you rather eat a dick while sitting on a cake or eat a cake while sitting on a dick?

And then, love the show. That one's pretty easy, right? I think you'd rather eat a dick, right? What? That's the exact wrong answer. You're not getting much out of that first one. Wait a minute. Why not at least eat the cake while sitting on a dick?

Because the dick is penetrating you, don't you think? Are you saying it's just like a lap dance? When you eat a dick, it's not penetrating you? You would rather be penetrated in your ass than blow a guy. It's really about the cake i forgot how much you love cake i really like cake the irony is it's an upside down cake yeah that's it should have just been all right here it's very complicated and this gets a little risque and it's gonna be tough to answer but you're either sitting on a cake.

Nope, the other one. I don't care what it involves. What's the other one? Well, you may want to hear it. All right. Either way, you're going to end up with some white frosting on your face. Here's some letters to the editor. Oh, yes.

All right. This is from Mike, who says, in response to Mike's latest comments about Phillies fans throwing hot dogs, I'd like to invite Mike to suck me from the back. Suck me off from the back. I think you read this, unless it's another Philly fan

who needs to be sucked curiously from the back. Oh, yeah, I think we did talk about this. I made... This may become a crush from Joanne thing where I put it in every week. Oh, okay. Yeah. Sucking this guy from the back because of my Philly stance. Okay. Mike talking about

the movie trope of when a character has the chance to escape but chooses not to includes one of his favorites, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Yeah. When did I talk about that trope? has the chance to escape but chooses not to includes one of his favorites one flew over the cuckoo's nest yeah when did i talk about that trope i think it was last week of a character who has a chance to escape so i wonder what i was talking about but you're absolutely right well yes except i would say the the character who you care about absolutely grabs the opportunity to escape. And that's the celebration.

And then, oh, you know what? I might have them on a technicality. Those people might have been in there voluntarily. Don't forget there's a scene. Yeah, they were there voluntarily. Well, you don't know which ones exactly. But I remember it was Jim, you know, Ignatowski. You know, what's his name from Taxi and from The Professor?

Christopher Lloyd. Believe it or not, it was Christopher Lloyd. Two guys from Taxi are in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Danny DeVito also. Oh, right. And Christopher Lloyd sees him. And he might have been there volunteering. We don't know that for a fact because he was pretty deranged or weird. And Christopher Lloyd sees him. And he might have been there volunteering.

We don't know that for a fact because he was pretty deranged or weird. But he then just laughs hysterically. So in a way, every single day they're passing up the opportunity to escape just by voluntarily being there. But anyway, God damn, that movie's perfect. Yep. Perfect movie. Did it win the Oscar? Oh, my God. It won so many. Because I remember being a little kid watching the Oscars,

and it has a childish name, you know? One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. And so I was like, I want to see that. My mom's like, yeah, in time. This is from Ryan in Chicago, who says, Dear sirs, that's when I knew this was not one of our typical letters. Usually it's, Hey, assholes or douchebags. Yeah.

I wanted to address Greg's plans to resume drinking on his 65th birthday. Having been sober myself for 19 years, real sober, not Cali sober, just saying. Yeah. There is a distinction. Yeah. They call it high and dry, real sober, not Cali sober, just saying. Yeah, there is a distinction. Yeah, they call it high and dry, California sober. I've sat in many 12-step meetings where I've heard comments from alcoholics who'd had a long-term sobriety, decided to drink again to see what would happen. Sooner or later, their drinking escalated, and they ended up coming back to the program. All right, so I come back. Oh, my God.

I would not have anticipated that response. That's interesting. But I'm also thinking, like, I don't know. Actually, I don't really know what your drinking problem was, other than you're one of those guys, I guess, who couldn't have a few. I couldn't have a few. I drank when I felt emotions. I drank more when there was any emotions going on in my life.

I drank away pain, anger. I used to get into fights. I was arrested three times. I crashed a couple cars. Right. But that being said, I had a shallow bottom. I think the main reason I quit is that my father was an alcoholic, and I saw how miserable he was, and I saw how not in control he was, and how it affected his marriage and his relationship to his kids,

and to some extent his career. And I didn't want to live that life. Yeah, and I am in no way because I actually consider you I don't even know you're not drinking you know you'll have a non-alcoholic beer or nothing or a glass of water and I guess that's my point is we're at an age where it doesn't no one gives a shit if you drink you know what I mean but like right it used to matter when you're younger it's like a big deal that you're gonna be the guy that's not drinking i know and that's what made it so hard and it would but it would bother you because it's like wait i thought

we were going to uh quash our emotions together i thought we were going to self-soothe and and anesthetize ourselves together what now now now you're making me feel uncomfortable about myself because i am ingesting poison to numb myself yeah and there's also a level of intimacy you get to when you're drinking that you may not get to as easily you know and it's not necessarily real intimacy but it's the flowing of emotions that make people really connect at a deeper level sometimes. And I do think you get to some real, like, you know, if inhibitions are blocking some of them, you know what I mean?

It's kind of like, let's say you had something really hard to say to someone, you know, not even like a fun thing. It's like, all right, listen, it's kind of like, Hey, we need to get a drink, you know, like to have this conversation type thing. But does Erin have white wine when she watches TV at night or something? Yeah. So I'm wondering if like that were the case and you're in your late sixties, I don't know, maybe, maybe that would be fun. But again,

I'm not counting on it in any way because it does it. I don't think it would change anything for me. Yeah. And I think if we were in our twenties, I wouldn't say that. Yeah. Yeah. And I think if we were in our twenties, I wouldn't say that. Yeah. Yeah. I think that, um, for me getting older means like, uh, probably dealing with a lot of boredom and maybe having a drink might make things a little bit more interesting. I don't know. It's going to be a bad idea. Also, I tend to get in a really really like i've never been in a fight trunk like i i tend to get in a really good mood so you know especially now that you have so taken head on your issues

and you're so self-aware maybe you're that type of guy now where you have a few wines and you're gonna laugh more and it lowers the bar on how funny a show has to be or how good it is. That's true. Although some people get to be worse drunks as they get older. And, uh, well, you're going to say, and I may not like the hangovers. People complain about hangovers as you get older, they're worse than they were when you were young. But that's for me, that's the built-in safety mechanism. Like that's the, I, that is what stops me from keeping going at night. So I kind of, in a weird way, like that. All right.

So let's get to the obituaries. Oh. And that's all, folks. This guy. Harry Belafonte, the King of Calypso, who is not only just a great singer and actor, but he was a really important civil rights activist. He just died in 96.

He was a son of Jamaican immigrants. He lived in Jamaica for a while. He served during World War II. He had his first album called calypso featured deo deo and hey i'm sorry i was supposed to answer and he had the banana song and uh yeah he had more than 30 albums damn he was the organizer of we are the world oh no shit yeah so he he wasn't with mlk when mlk was shot right was he right around the motel no um he was someone else was supporter he became a confidant of dr martin luther king and uh he was an organizer of the 1963 March on Washington, led voter registration drives, supported the Freedom Rides,

provided bail funds for King and other civil protesters. He was also, yeah, he organized We Are the World and anti-apartheid activists. I mean, just was an amazing guy. I mean, you can't say enough about him. To say artists should shut up and sing or shut up and act, you've got a platform. And if you're an enlightened person who's really passionate about things,

he made a huge difference in the world. Right. Now, some people, they use it as a PR stunt To get political But there's a fair amount of people And I would put Sean Penn in this category Who does good things He does good things you're saying

Yeah don't you think Oh I absolutely think so Yeah He's annoying as hell don't get me wrong He's very annoying But he walks the walk. Yeah, he does. The other guy who died this week was talk show host Jerry Springer, pancreatic cancer.

He died peacefully at his home. Went to law school, served in the U.S. Army Reserves, was famous for all of his TV shows where people did crazy things. He voluntarily testified in court in Kentucky. He said his conscience drove him to contact the FBI after he paid for prostitutes with two personal checks in the amounts of, ready for this, $25 and $50.

Hey, Jerry, you're in syndication, brother. Step it up. That's like a crack whore. He resigned as city councilman at this time. I know that he was a city councilman. It's amazing. He then made a big political comeback in Cincinnati, winning back his seat on the council.

He is a 10-time Emmy winner? Yep. He also was a mayor. He then was elected as mayor in Cincinnati. As you said, it was not art. It was daytime. Wow. Judge Jerry. All right, it was not art. It was daytime. Wow. Judge Jerry. All right, let's cheer up. And it said he died peacefully in his home, surrounded by KKK members and women accusing guys of being the father. All right, funnies?

Let's do some funnies. All right. All right, let's do Dilbert. Dilbert is still writing cartoons. People thought that he got canceled. He's still writing them. They're just not in as many papers. Dickie Egan.

Oh, man. Did I write this down? Dickie Egan's idea. He wants his name removed from this segment. But that, like, we're very, we give credit where credit's due. Yes. So Dickie Egan's responsible for these. But boy, what a Dilbert this week.

He's been called into HR, of course. And HR says, do you know why you're here, Dilbert? Dilbert's like, no, because I was on the right side of the issue this time. I try to point out that bring your daughter to work day is racist. HR's like, why? He's like, because those people are not into their kids and it's unfair to them. Oh God, Dilbert. Dilbert, you're making it worse.

How could he say that in front of human resources? Like you would think you'd have some awareness that these are the people that are sensitive about these things. Why did Dickie point us in this direction, Dickie? That's horrible. Horrible. Unbelievable. It's horrible. Horrible. Dickie Egan. Unbelievable.

It's ridiculous. All right. He's racist even when he's trying not to be. Let's change gears and get to some rock horns. Okay. Oh, God, I got to plug my computer. Why is my computer charging? That's not good.

Oh, there we go. You jumped into a woman's pitch there. Why isn't my... Oh, Lordy. It's because I'm about to read a cartoon as Loretta in The Lockhorns. Okay, good, good. She says, they tell you how to keep your... They're in a bookstore, she and her friend,

and they're looking at a couple of books. And Loretta says, they tell you how to keep your husband happy, but they never tell you why. Ah. That's fucking good. Bitches. Bitches. Bitches gonna talk.

So then another one, Loretta is sitting behind the wheel of a car that has crashed into the side of a store, and Leroy says, well, Loretta did say she was just gonna run into the store. Little literal. Yeah.

And then they're sitting at the kitchen table and Leroy says, they pay farmers not to grow this stuff. Can't they pay you not to cook it? That's a good one. He's mean to her. Jesus. But she gets him right back

the next night. They're at a cocktail party and Leroy's kind of drunkenly holding court with a couple of bored-looking guys, and Loretta says to her friend, Leroy's a self-made-up man. She got him. Got him back. Yep.

Even the playing field. Oh, man, wait. I got to give this person credit. Someone sent this in to us, and it was... Son of a bitch. Let me look it up. Dickie Egan? No, no. This one's not racist at all. Not Boston racist.

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And I'm not joking. Where? Picket lines. Picket lines across Los Angeles. That's a good idea. Ryan Pedersen sent this one in, and I had never seen it. And it's so funny. So it is a absurdly tall room and there's like, you know, commercial doors and there's a guy sitting at his cash register reading the paper.

And in this incredibly tall room, there are, there's a kid who's entered the store and is looking up and the shelves are, I'm going to say 20 feet off the ground is the bottom shelf with items on the shelf up on the walls. And it just says inconvenience stores. And the cashier has got a book open. Like he clearly hasn't made a sale in a long time. Yeah, exactly. Uh,. Alright, here comes asshole number one, and the hottest piece of ass that's ever come out of a gentleman's pen. And so Blondie's in bed, she's

got on a violet-covered negligee, a little frilly on the shoulders, and gotta say, I don't talk enough about Blondie's arms. She's clearly, between cooking and cleaning, she is working out with some five ten pound barbells doing some curls working out the tries she it's just sexy so she's keeping it tight she's keeping it tight she's reading the book and you hear sniff from her

and he goes did you just sniff your book sweetheart and then she goes i sure did there's nothing like the smell of an old book. And then Dagwood sniffs his laptop, which is on his lap, and she goes, I don't think smelling your iPad is quite the same, dear. All right, first of all. First of all. What the fuck are you?

And donut pajamas, as usual. And he's laying in bed. You've got a 10. What can an iPad show you that compares to the woman who probably smells like yellow roses? And you're forcing her to read a book in bed? You know what you should be smelling? Her pussy. I'm sorry I said it. You should be underneath that fucking blanket.

And bring the iPad. Record it. You should be underneath that fucking blanket and bring the iPad. Record it. Put it online. You want to quit that mid-level management job you're at and make some real money? You already know it smells like yellow roses, according to Fitzsimmons. Yep. That beautiful flower. You know what we're talking about.

Yellow roses. There was a woman when I was a parking attendant. She has yellow hair. That means the curtains match the drapes. Yep. Do you imagine that color? Carpet? I just said the curtains match the drapes. Whatever.

Hey, look, we're two hours and 45 minutes into a podcast. I'm losing a little steam, but the yellow rose smell got me going. There was a woman who used to work. When I was a parking attendant at a country club this woman would pull up in a jaguar xj6 red with tan interior and she was italian and she was gorgeous i was about 16 17 years old and and she was, you know, probably 35, maybe 40, pushing 40, but really well put together, and the most lovely woman, and she would pull up, and she'd get out, and she wore this perfume called Tea Rose, and to this day, I'll occasionally smell a woman wearing Tea Rose, and

I'll go, Tea Rose? And they'll be like, how the fuck did you know that? And like, can I park your car? Can I get inside your car? And so I'd get in her car and she would always have classic rock blasting in her XJ six. And I would close the door and I would inhale deeply. And then this one time. And then X and then XJ off.

I put, I put my foot on the brake and I slide it into drive. Only it wasn't the brake because the music was so loud. I didn't realize I was flooring the accelerator. And I put it into drive and I left about 10 feet of tire. And then I stopped the car. I look back and she's looking down from the porch and she smiles and gives me a thumbs up. Are you shitting me?

Wow. Yeah. And her husband, guess what he did for a living? Just fucked all day, I imagine. He was John Gotti's lawyer. Oh, boy. Yep. She was probably a widow not long after that.

Now he's still around. I know that because he just brought on, he's defending Donald Trump in that Manhattan DA case. Have you ever Googled the woman? Checked her out? I don't think I want to see that now. Well, maybe you can see it then.

If she was 40 in 1984, then she's in her 80s. Maybe try to catch a photo of her from 1990. What Google do you have? Google Archive? Yeah. Well, mine is just their settings. You know, you could set time and duration.

Mine is only set for 1991 MILF. That's why I don't get many stories some weeks because I'm just limited to 1991 MILF-related stories. Yeah. She was something else. Yeah. All right. Well, listen, Mike Gibbons, you've done a fine job. I think you were really on today.

Oh, wow. job. I think you were really on today. Oh, wow. Congratulations. We want to remind our people that our sponsor this week, go to HelloFresh.com slash Papers 5-0 and use code Papers 5-0 for 50% off plus free

first box ships free. Okay. We want to thank Midcoast Media, Chris Denman and Key and John and Beth who do a great job every week. Thanks for taking good care of us. Yep. And anything you want to plug? Sure.

Well, I don't know what it's going to be, but I hope tomorrow night's succession is better than the last two, which has been all business, but I think they're setting the table after the big plot, you know. Yeah, they had to downshift for a couple episodes, but I'd like to see some more story come in, a little more story. And then, I guess, listen to Redheaded Stranger, which is Willie Nelson's very famous theme, you know, themed album.

And I would say listen to some Seals and Croft. Close the door, lock it, put a towel under the crack of the door so no sound escapes. Oh, wow, interesting. And then dig yourself some Seals and Croft. Love it. All righty, pal. All right, God bless.

Time to take it-ish. Take it-ish. Bye. Thank you. Gibbons and Gobbins. It's Gibbons and Gibbons and Gobbins. Gibbons and Gobbins. It's Gibbons and Gibbons and Gobbins. Gibbons and Gobbins. It's Gibbons and Gibbons and Gobbins.