Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 166 5/28/23

Episode Date: May 28, 2023

A Family Feud contestant murders his wife, a nun and a bishop break some vows and Elon Musk is implanting chips in people’s heads. Celine Dion is a little stiff but a 100 year old woman gets loose on the TB Rays mound throwing out the 1st pitch.

read all about it read all that voice. Extra, extra. Coming to you from Austin, Texas, the mothership. Also Nashville, Tennessee, the Ryman Auditorium. We got it covered, man. We have it covered. Here we go. We are. We are coming to y'all from the south.

You know, my headphones sound better in backwards. Have you ever put these in backwards? No kidding. Really? I'm going to put them back in. Yeah. Okay. Maybe that means I'm dying. I sleep with them in every night because my wife goes to bed and I listen to audio books. And so I have to listen to them with the headphones in and I wake up in the middle of the night with sharp pains in my ears because the earbuds are still in. Do you also wake up with a sharp pain in night with sharp pains in my ears because the earbuds are still in.

Do you also wake up with a sharp pain in your heart that your marriage is a joke? Oh, wow. That hit hard. We share a bed, but not really any emotional space. Yeah. I'm listening to books about old white men and I'm closed off entirely. We have so many activities in bed

except the main one. A lot of distractions. All right, we caught up a little before we pressed record, but it sounds like the most amazing comedy venue I've ever heard about down there. Yeah, I'm at Rogan's Club, the mothership.

And it is like he was built. They took three years to build it. And it is a three-story, two-theater place that has a green room that puts any green room you've ever seen to shame. It's huge. It's catered by the best barbecue place in Austin every night. It's got a bar. It's got two screens so you can watch the shows that are going on. And then the showrooms themselves.

I did the small room the first night, and it felt like the original room in the Comedy Store, which is saying a lot. It was totally intimate, totally connected. Unbelievable. I got a standing ovation on the second show. Thank you very much. Amazing.

That's so cool. Yes. And then last night and tonight I'll be in the main room, and that one is just explosive. It's just so amazing. And the crowds are comedy crowds they they love comedy they know how to behave they're great they're young as shit my crowds are usually like people in their 30s and 40s these are like 20s and and the energy is so different it's just it's just amazing And then after the shows, and meanwhile

I was in one room, and in the other room, the lineup was ready for this? Shane Gillis, Ari Shaffir, Mark Norman, Wow. Tony Hinchcliffe, a guy named

Brian What's Brian's last Brian Simpson black guy out of LA who's a fucking killer and then the next night Tim Dillon and so afterwards

we go down to this place called Mitzi's place I think in the basement it's a speakeasy with like cool little booths carved out of the wall

the setup is the bar from The Shining. He replicated the bar from The Shining. That's hysterical. It's like a little speakeasy. And I was there until four in the morning with all those guys, just hanging out. Lloyd. I think the bartender's name was Lloyd.

His bartender's name was Lloyd. And every time he kissed a woman, she turns 100 years old. It's a perfect place um and they're all on everyone's on mushrooms the whole fucking place the staff is allowed in the in Mitzi's room as well and it's just like it's just a community

there's all the same people that are around a lot um it's just an amazing experience and then Adam Eagott obviously hanging out who's the greatest dude ever who asks about you, loves you. Oh, yeah. No, he and I met. He was Norm's driver when I met him.

A really good friend of Norm's, obviously. But Norm needs someone to drive him. Never got a driver's license. So that's how I first met Adam. Yeah. Yeah. And then Norm wrote about him in his book. He was the stooge in his book.

It was so fucking funny. And yeah, great time. I got two more shows tonight. Everything's sold out. All the shows are sold out. Selling a lot of pins. Yeah, selling a ton of pins. Oh my god. Hysterical.

At an expensive family dinner, are you like, oh, man, that's 24 pins. All right, whatever. Easy come, easy go. I literally go through my life when something costs $10 and I'm thinking about where to get it. I'm like, it's a pin. It's a fucking pin. Just do it. It's a pin.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But Starbucks coffees all of a sudden don't seem worth it. Just make coffee at home. Right. You know, you and I should come up with some merch for this podcast. We did the mugs, but it was a pain in the ass because some of them broke during shipping.

Shipping costs were very high. So if anybody has any ideas for merch for the podcast send them in uh denman is writing in can coolers bags golf towels can cooler is not a bad idea that ship's easy uh hood hoods you wear over your head. What? What would that be? Pillowcases. You have eye holes and you wear over your head. Weird. All right.

Maybe. We'll consider it. SS caps. What does SS stand for? Tiki torches. What? Wait. These are the weirdest suggestions. And he's an NCAA.

Not NCAA. NCAA. He's an NAACP. I never realized it's an anagram. It's the same letters almost. Yeah. You're going to get a correction on anagram. Yeah.

So what's going on with you? How's Nashville? Nashville's good. I was up at 550, though, so they're my shift. But there's these two puppies. They're, well, I mean, I guess they're puppies. They're like seven months old. And I don't know.

Some dogs sleep late, and they were really tired. But I don't know. If anyone has tips on how to condition a dog i don't maybe there's a trick like you feed them later at night or something because they are starving in the morning i don't i don't i've checked out i haven't uh owned a dog full time in over 10 years so we're about 10 years oh you just put your dog down right Or you put your ex-dog down. Yeah, I mean, it's weird saying my dog. I mean, it is, but I didn't live with the dog for the last, you know, six, seven, yeah, God, like eight, nine years, I guess. So she got the dog in the divorce.

Right, but we did get to split dog payments. So I got that. Right, but we did get to split dog payments, so I got that. That was actually in the divorce contract, that up to $1,000 a year or something, I'd be good for that amount, depending on how much the dog cost. And this was a very, very expensive, high-maintenance dog, so it was always that maximum or minimum. Maxim's like a hundred bucks a month and uh right but i don't have a dog it's like you know they say

they're all the benefits of owning a dog is it's like it helps your stress you live longer well when you live only with dog bills, it's the opposite. More stress, you live shorter. Yeah, and no visitation rights? You never get the dog for the weekend? Yeah, and when you pet a dog bill, it's like it's cold. It's inanimate. It's not the same thing.

Wait, so did you ever get the dog when she went away for the weekend or something? Sometimes, yes, I would. But listen, she got it because it was in my lifestyle was incredibly unfair to a dog. Like depending on what show I'd be on, I'm not home before midnight. Some a lot of the time, you know. Right. So it made a lot of sense. But anyway, yeah, we put that dog down.

It was really old. I think I told you about it. I went over to say goodbye to it. and she lives pretty far up in the hills and as you know in la now like it's even down by us it's coyote craziness like they're everywhere hopping in yards and taking cats and little dogs so anyway um the the decrepit old thing was out there. It's blind, but its favorite thing to do at the end of its life was to eat dog shit. And so they normally stop it, but they were just letting it go to town in the backyard. And it was out there, and I turned to Olivia,

and I'm just like, you know, normally I'd be very afraid. We're putting it down the next day. I'd be very afraid of a coyote, but, you know, that thing could be a lot worse than if a coyote swooped in right now. Like you save a lot of money tomorrow and it's nature's way. Yes. Yes. I think that coyote would have a big stomach full of dog shit.

Yeah. You know, I want to eat this dog, but it's breath. God. Yeah. You know, I want to eat this dog, but it's breath. God. Yeah. We should give a shout out to Bert's movie. The Machine is out in theaters. Go see it this weekend. It's getting great reviews from users on, what's the site?

Rotten Tomatoes or Metacritic. Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah. Word of Mouth is great about it. And the trailer looks amazing. I can't wait to see it. Luke is in it from Star Wars. Mark Hamill.

That's all of them is. Mark Hamill. I want to thank this week's logo designer, Bruce Wise, who does a lot of good stuff for us. Yeah, pretty cool. Yeah, very funny. The song, A Crux. I think A Crux, or is it A Crew?

I don't know how you pronounce it, but a trippy, fun song. Thank you very much. Yeah. And thank you, a lot of people. We called out for new songs and new logos. We got a bunch. Keep them coming. We love them.

We appreciate them. We also appreciate your corrections. Tor Strasberg said, Mike tells a female pilot joke. Greg, not even a minuscule facial muscle reaction acknowledgement. Question, did it get missed or ignored? My, what chemistry they have. Oh, shoddy. My.

I mean, am I supposed to? No, you didn't hear it. I think I clocked you not hearing it. Yeah. I mean, I didn't take Ritalin last week, and so I might have missed one comedic piece of genius from Mike Gibbons. Yeah. Oh, no, it was genius.

It kind of is like I remember saying, I forget what it was. Maybe during the pandemic, there was some rules with planes. You could cancel pretty easily and get your money back if you felt like either you had COVID or you were just too afraid to fly or something. you had COVID or you were just too afraid to fly or something. But I'm like, one of the covered reasons isn't why, the reason I get off a plane the most is when I walk in and I see it's a female pilot. That cancellation's not covered. And I missed that? How did I miss that?

No, no, no, it wasn't that. It was a short, quick one about basically the same premise. A short, quick one about basically the same premise. So basically, I just missed you retelling a thing about something I missed. I just misunderstood it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, what you did miss was just a women are bad, like an old chestnut. Now, I'm doing a joke now about uh how i feel bad for pilots and and i and i was like you know because you just think this guy like grew up he was probably a little boy who played with planes and then i'm like wait a minute why am i assuming it's a male pilot i don't i don't know that it's

a male pilot i mean it could have easily been female it just well it just seemed like the plane was going pretty straight and there were no other planes behind us honking so i just assumed yeah you could tag and be like and also it could be a trans woman could be a trans woman that's probably what it is on a transatlantic flight yeah uh you want to read the next one because my voice trans world airlines yeah yeah let me take over some of this for you uh mike tells a female pilot joke i just want to read that one again okay this one is from do we say the name sure geo i like this name giovanni delgado ford wasn't just a nazi simp strong start He was a collaborator. Ford made the tanks and weapons for Germany under its German name.

Allied bombers were given instructions from higher up to not bomb German weapons factories who supplied Nazis if they were Ford. Whoa. No shit. Wait. This is a compact. That's a lot of info. Allied bombers were given a choice from higher up not to bomb German weapons factories.

Huh. Wow. Well. Man. Enjoy your Mustang, everybody. Hope you're having fun in it. Robert O'Neill. Oh, we talked about mouthwash.

Xylitol mouthwash. It kills the bad bacteria, keeps the good, has been shown to reverse cavities. Shit's great. I read that, and I immediately got on Amazon, and I ordered some, and it's at my house right now. And is it going to make you shit great?

I think I misread the end of that, but you're going to shit great also. Hector Diaz says it was the Florida Panthers, Greg, that scored. You know, this is the Greg corrections. It was the Florida Panthers that scored a goal five minutes into the first overtime that got called off. Sixth longest NHL game in history, and Florida went on to win the playoffs

and are now in the Stanley Cup. Jody Ward, message. Did he write the word message? Anyway, long-time listener, first-time corrector on this week's podcast, you claim Nine Inch Nails was not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They were in... He wrote indicated.

Am I seeing that wrong? Inducted. He meant inducted. They were in, do we have a correction? On the correction. They were inducted in 2020. I actually had tickets to this as both my wife and I's favorite bands were being inducted, Nine Inch Nails and Depeche Mode.

This is a cool couple. Yeah, I'm sorry, but Nine Inch Nails is very niche. I don't think the average person enjoys listening to Nine Inch Nails. It's nails on a chalkboard. It's electrified nails on a chalkboard. No, you're crazy. He's such a high-level musician. Yeah, but when do you put it on?

When do you put it on and listen to an album? What, Nine Inch Nails? Yeah. If you're working out, if you're doing something intense, their music's incredible. All right. And more than that, it's, and I think this is how a lot of the rock and roll inductees

or anyone who's in top of their field should be judged. It's like, did they have a language did they create like a sound like when you put on a nine inch nails album like is it is it their thing and i think uh the answer is yes to all those questions okay fair enough i'll try even if it might not be your thing all right to work out today i'm gonna listen to nine inch nails yeah i mean when you're on that treadmill and you just hear i want to fuck you like an animal you go that's that's when i kick my treadmill from three miles an hour right up to four you got it he is by the way i know we've talked about this he won very deservedly the oscar for uh the music he scored the social network that music is still I told you

I had the DVD a screener right and I'm like ah this sounds like a lifetime movie like the story of Facebook and so I put the DVD on and I'm like all right let me make some dinner and it, it looked like a DVD, the menu, which is 90 seconds long maybe. And it was just that piano and that weird tension, that string, whatever the hell he was. I don't know. There's documentaries about how he made the sound. And it was just a picture of snow on Harvard yard. And, uh, and in the middle of burning my burger, whatever I was doing, I literally looked over at the TV, I'm like, what is this music? I couldn't believe it had that effect on me,

and it won the Oscar. Wow. Yeah, give him a chance. All right, Ryan, oh no, we don't have a name, or, oh we do, this is Ryan in Chicago. A correction I made back in February. That's the start. And then there's a period. It's truly mind boggling that Greg has made the same mistake twice. And oh, is this a contingent? No, twice. And this one came in the final three minutes of the episode. So close. three minutes of the episode so close. The character who loves Billy Joel songs is Huey from The Boys, not the girl from The Last of Us.

The Last of Us has no Billy Joel connection. That's probably why I like it so far. Please, Greg, start taking ginkgo biloba supplements or something. I'm getting concerned. I gotta say, you may be right. These are the Greg, especially today. These are the Greg corrections.

And you put them in here. You're right. All right. Ryan in Chicago. Here are my submissions for the most trivial corrections. I love it. You described the hotel manager in Nashville as 15 years old manager rather than just 15 year manager. I wonder, was I talking about that or were you talking about a club here?

Well, it's Nashville, so I got to go with you. It was the story about toe sucking says Chris. Oh, okay. I think it's a great correction. Yeah. Because I would have read that story because I'm the one that put it in the script.

Although I loaded that thing last week, a 15 year manager. All right. I, that is a very trivial correction. You're right. Yeah. The New York Islanders were very good in the 80s.

This is from Mark. But they won four cups in a row, not five. 80 to 83. And their dynasty was followed by the Gretzky Oilers dynasty. Also, this past NHL season, the Islanders just barely made

the playoffs and lost in the first round. Love the show. Cheers from Canada, of course, the hockey fan. I think the Islanders, all right, four in a row. God, why do I have five in mine? Did they skip a year? Chris, can you look up how many Islanders,

Stanley Cups in the 80s? I remember Dennis Potvan and... Oh, God, no, no. Oh, I hated them all so much. Yeah. Oh, I mean, as a Ranger fan, it was your duty. It was one of the biggest rivalries in all of sports. Oh, yeah, because the Rangers were amazing

back then. They had the Maloney brothers, Dave and Don Maloney, Barry Beck, Phil Esposito is still playing. Oh, God, I forget Esposito, yeah. John Davidson, was that the goalie, or was it David Johnson? When I got arrested and put in jail, I had a Sandstrom, a Sandstrom Rangers jersey.

I was wearing it. Nice. 80, 81, 82, 83. He hit me with an 85. That it fuck all right good correction good correction canadian mark all right michael kelly says hey greg and mike i was happy to hear you guys mentioned my home newfoundland and that's how i went with it on last week's episode although mike gave it a good effort he still said it wrong when he corrected greg on how to pronounce it we pronounce it newfoundland newfoundland i think not

what are those the same as oh oh not newfoundland newfoundland not newfoundland that's what it is wow that might beat out the other smallest correction. And thank God it was something you fucked up. Yeah. That's like a New Orleans versus New Orleans, although it's even less than that. Alright, this week, says Michael Mulroy, you thanked Chris Denman

in absentia. It's absentia. Oh, you said absentia. It's absentia. Also, even though he tried like 50 times mike never quite nailed walter payton's self-preservation you just fucked it up again i did fuck it up good because because i looked ahead at what i was saying he made up 10 different word salads before finally said it self-preserverance. Preserverance.

Not a word. Did you all forget to take your Adderall? Love you guys. Always pulling for Denny Mac. Denny McCarthy pulled in not a bad finish last week. I think he came in like 25th. I got to see if he's playing this weekend. Is he on the spectrum?

No. I think't know. I gotta see if he's playing this weekend. Is he on the spectrum? No. He's playing... I think you have to be. Dude, do you want to go to the U.S. Open in L.A.? Father's Day weekend? It sounds horrible, but apparently...

So you walk around and you watch golf? Yeah, yeah. The key is you go on like Thursday before it's too crowded. Yes. I'm going to say it's a new experience. I've never done it.

All right, let's do it. Speaking of new experiences, I will be doing stand-up comedy. That's not a new experience at all. I started there. Boston, Massachusetts. Laugh Boston, June 16th and 17th. Shows will sell out. Get your tickets right away. Pottstown, Pennsylvania, Julyth. Shows will sell out. Get your tickets right away.

Pottstown, Pennsylvania, July 21st. Will not sell out. Point Pleasant, New Jersey, Uncle Vinny's, July 22nd and 23rd. If you're Italian, I think you get half off. It's family style. Come on, go. Let's get to the front page. You got something to crinkle? man do i i'm in an office

hold on oh boy that's a good sounding rapper all right front page uh this is you want me to read it because of your voice? Yeah, do it. Boy, I should have gotten water too. This is going to get old. I might have to run and get water. An Illinois man who appeared with his family on the popular game show Family Feud

has been charged with murder in the home invasion death of his wife, whose bullet-riddled body was found after she failed to pick up their three kids from school. Oh, God. Sounds like she deserved it. Oh, sorry, I don't know which one came first.

Timothy Blyfnik, 39, of Quincy, was arrested Monday morning and charged with two counts of first-degree murder and one count of a home invasion. This brutal crime has had the Quincy community on edge and our residents living in fear, the police chief said. I hope today's announcement can begin to calm some of those concerns. Blyfnik's estranged wife, Rebecca Blyfnik, 41, was found dead at her Kentucky Road home on February 23rd. Now, when police apprehended Mr. Blyfnik, Blyfnik said,

he'd like to pass i'm gonna i'm gonna let the guys i'm gonna let the guys and the other family have this one and when he was being dragged away in handcuffs he was screaming wait cat was already taken and so she couldn't think of an animal with three letters how about fucking dog bat bat, rat, cow? My wife is a complete idiot. Top five answers on the board. Number one, kill the bitch. Yeah, he's like, you know, when Steve Harvey made fun of my sweater and did literally a 20-second eye roll that my hobby is macaroni art,

she laughed and laughed. Not laughing anymore anymore is she um that is you'll see them on instagram they have a very good social media thing i guess unless fans are doing it but they will send out the funniest moments from family feud and steve it's the biggest softball in the world. And Steve Harvey that instead chooses just to say nothing. Yeah. Nothing. He does these slow eye roll takes.

Yeah. And the crowd goes crazy. They love him in his $27,000 suits. It's so contrived. And then he will then, like he eye rolls and he's milking it i get it and he's an amazing comedian like in rooms i've heard that right for sure like killer he's a killer oh he knows how to ride the energy and that's what he's doing in that moment and then he then he says the joke finally and you're like no that wasn't the take yeah you should have said

nothing you just gave away that you had the wrong instinct on that, on that, you know, meatball that was sitting in front of you. I used to like the old guy. He's the creepy guy that used to kiss all the women. Oh, that guy.

I liked the guy after. Gene Rayburn, Gene Rayburn. Nope. Not Gene Rayburn. Uh, he was in, uh,

Hogan's heroes. Uh, yes. Yeah.ogan's Heroes. Yes. Yeah. Smooth. That's not Gene Rayburn? Pinky Ring. Richard Dawson. Richard Dawson.

There it is. Chris came through with it. Right. Hello, love. And he'd kiss him. Yeah. That went out with AIDS. All right.

Let's talk about- I remember that. A group of Carmelite nuns. That sounds delicious. You want me to read it? Yeah, please. You need your voice, man. I don't.

A group of Carmelite nuns accused a Texas bishop of pure evil after he shut down their monastery over allegations that their mother's superior had sex with a priest. Yes. Why not? Why not? Why not? The most wholesome news story about the Catholic Church in a long while.

According to the lawsuit filed in Tarrant County Court, Bishop Michael Olson burst into the monastery last month and began interrogating Gerlach, the mother superior, over the alleged affair and accused Gerlach of breaking her vow of chastity the grilling came immediately after the nun who uses

a wheelchair that's sexy had undergone a surgical procedure even sexier and was still under the effects of general anesthesia and pain medication including fentanyl. Wait a minute.

Was the bishop Bill Cosby? The diocese. Is that a diocese? Diocese. I knew I had that wrong. Says she admitted to the affair, but the sister's attorney, Matthew Bobo, said in a statement to the Catholic News Agency

that the mother superior was under heavy medication from a procedure and does not recall what she admitted. All right. In a wheelchair on fentanyl. Sounds like Mother Inferior, if you ask me. There you go. Meanwhile, women everywhere are like, I can't find a man to save my life. And this nun in a wheelchair is getting laid. And have you seen her outfit?

The least sexy garment I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Crazy. I guess we can't call her a nun anymore. More like a sum. I guess we can't call her a nun anymore. More like a sum. Oh, and my wordplay was terrible. Yeah.

I think we can all agree this is a low point for the sanctity of the church, but maybe a well-deserved week off for the altar boys. Yeah, it definitely stole the show. And then listen, some very wise men once said, he who fucks nuns will later join the church. Except in this case, he already had. All right, let's talk about this teacher. A classic.

Sunday papers will never shy away from student fucking stories. Or why don't we just say we're pro-education, and we do a lot of education stories. Or why don't we just say we're pro-education and we do a lot of education stories. A former high school teacher of the year has been arrested in California for allegedly having sex with a 16-year-old boy and authorities said they believe there may be additional victims,

which should be in quotes. Tracy Vanderhulst, a 38-year-old math teacher at Yucaipa High School, was arrested late Thursday night for unlawful sexual intercourse involving a minor and held on $30,000 bail. In a tweet that has since been deleted, the school said that Vanderhulst, quote, offers up a rigorous mathematics curriculum and deep caring for her students. Yep, rigorous and deep. The school also said she wants her classes to be hard.

She loves taking Ds and growing them into As. Only the best will get her A. And then it's all about the three R's, Greg. Reaming, riding, and a reach around. Wait a minute, that's not the... It's very close. I was proud of that. You know, the article doesn't mention that, by the way, the Teacher of the Year Award,

it's voted on only by the varsity football team. You remember Zach's joke, right? Yeah, I think I do, right. It was, uh... Did you hear about that that boy who was uh who had sex with his teacher just died he got high five to death yeah it is a double standard but i don't know how far it goes but you know people should have known something was up when vanderhulst introduced the clearly incorrect algebra equation that A equals 9 inches is greater than 99% on a test.

A little extra credit. Yeah. Alright. Now off to San Diego. A Southwest Airlines pilot. What if we both lose our voices on sunday papers mine is gonna be good i think even though i have a terrible voice but i mean i just need water which

i'll get when you're gonna read a story san diego a southwest airlines pilot had to make an unusual take an unusual route to get onto a plane just before a flight to Sacramento. He had to climb through the cockpit window. They had a picture of this. So according to a passenger, the flight agent said over the loudspeaker, quote, somebody who was on the flight coming in was the last one off the plane and shut the door and it's locked.

The agent mentioned that the flight would be delayed and someone would need to unlock the door from the inside of the cockpit. And sure enough, he looked out the window and this pilot, to his credit, got up on this giant ladder and crawled through the cockpit window and opened the door. And I'm here to tell you this is still a better system for boarding a plane than what Southwest uses now for its passengers. He didn't have to stand behind a letter and a number for 45 minutes and then check his bag. C-27.

Yeah. Dude, I was C-30 on my last Southwest flight. And here's how fucked up Southwest is. Now they charge you $40 if you want to get a good position on the poll. So it's yet another fucking surcharge for Southwest. I just did spirit down here, but I bought this new bag. Oh, they should be a sponsor. But there's this, it's not that new, but there's a popular,

it's getting more popular, hybrid bag bag which is a backpack duffel it has like the backpack straps you can hide does it have wheels nope does not have wheels it is bigger oh yeah you should know this more than anyone i'll show it to you um patagonia makes a great one and so does north face you know typically they're just lockstep in competition on these things anyway spirit charges you it nickels and dimes you more than southwest blue you have to pay for water on spirit yeah i'm not joking and coffee yeah yeah so free refills though i did learn that so they charge you so i'm like fuck that and here's the great thing the only good thing because you do you know JetBlue now charges you for carry-on? No shit.

Yeah, yeah. It's a business model. So, the only positive about charging for a carry-on is there's tons of space in the carry-on. So what happens is this duffel in no way is small enough

to fit under the seat in front of me, right? Like I'm cheating the system. Yeah. But if you wear it as a backpack, they don't even look or question you. Oh, nice. And then you get on the plane, and you have the whole overhead as your choice, even though you're not supposed to bring one on,

and you put it up there. I love it. It's your new hack. It's your new hack, I'm telling you. By the way, since when do planes have windows? A window? Like, does it have a sunroof? Is there like, is this like a Camaro?

I mean, with those giant wings. Oh, you mean a window that like opens? Yeah, what the fuck is there a window? Like, is he in the air going, that little stuffy in the cockpit at 30,000 feet. Why don't I crack the window a little bit? in the cockpit at 30 000 feet why don't i crack the window a little bit and and it's not like you can with those giant wings it's not like he could pull through the drive-thru can i get 237 big macs 12 with no cheese although i think

they do crack it like you finished fucking de-icing already i I got to go. I did see once, and I took a photo of it as well. I was waiting to board in the boarding area, and I look out the window, and a pilot is just like you and I would do it, is reaching out with a rag and wiping his windshield. No shit. Yeah, like I guess there was a stubborn streak on it that the windshield wipers weren't getting.

Oh, my God. How strong do those windshield wipers have to be? Also, are they really needed at this point? Yeah, I think they're mostly guided by machines, but my friend, Ken Fink, he got his pilot's license. I didn't know that. He flew to Catalina Island, and apparently Catalina Island is often covered with a fog.

Right. And so it's famously hard to land and take off at Catalina, and he was pretty new to it. And he brought Beth with him. And they were taking off, and it was covered in fog. And he's like, oh, I guess I can't fly out. And they're like, no, it's only like 40 seconds, and then you'll come out of the fog, and then it's clear all the way to Los Angeles.

Oh, my God. And so he took off and couldn't see shit. And the thing is, you don't know if you're starting to tilt sideways. And if you do, the only way to get out of a tilt is to dip down and then come back out of it again. And so she was screaming.

It was like utter horror for like a minute until they busted out into the sky. That's terrifying. I'm sure we're going to get corrections from pilots if pilots listen to us about that dip-down advice of yours. All right, why don't you go

get a water and I'll read this next story. Yeah, this is a pretty crazy story. What was I going to say about pilots and that? Oh, you know what it's sort of similar to I asked if they still need like to see it's kind of like

I don't remember the last time I turned around in my car to make sure I wasn't backing into something because now I have the camera which is a virtual simulation that's redundant but in other words i'm not really using you know i guess whatever you call it empirical data like i'm not looking anymore right uh i imagine pilots haven't had to look out the window in forever you know what's crazy is i'm i watched that uh i guess maybe to see the guys on the runway with the flashlights.

Oh, there you go. There you go. Okay. Sorry. What were you saying? You know what's crazy is I watched that F1 docuseries about Formula One racers. Yeah. No windshields.

No fucking windshields on those cars. Really? They've got the helmet with the face mask and no windshield. No. The wind's not hitting their helmet straight on. The wind is hitting their helmet straight on. The wind is hitting their helmet straight on, and they drive in the rain, pouring rain sometimes. That seems crazy.

It's true. The wind alone, because listen, you know, whatever. The scooter I ride, it's an Aprilia, but it's a 250, so it does go 80, and I have gone 80 on it. Wind, when you're above a certain mile per hour, wind is everything yep like the drag on cars is responsible for so much you know the mythbusters did that at what point is it worth it uh is it less expensive to have the air conditioning on versus the windows open

and it happens because of drag right you know who uh the myth busters guy adam savage you know the that guy yeah i grew up with him he was i was in my class for like 10 years yeah and he proved it was not a myth that you would touch yourself in the back of the school bus going to school i saw that episode it's one of their best ones. He tried to bust that myth, but it turns out dead on. Yeah. You were busting it already. All right. I'm going to go get a glass of water. You read about Mr. Musk. Elon Musk's neurotechnology company has received FDA approval to launch its first inhuman clinical study. Neuralink was founded by the Tesla CEO in 2016, focusing on developing a brain-computer interface

called the Link. Musk said the company's goal is to develop a surgically embedded neural chip implant to help disabled patients move and communicate again and possibly restore vision. It was tested on monkeys, shocking the world after tests showed one of the animals playing video game Pong with its thoughts. I mean, that's insane.

I mean, well, first of all, it looks like the slow assembly line issues on the Model X are about to improve. It's going to be like formerly disabled vets pulling 19-hour overtime shifts and after work attacking the Capitol building and AOC. Look at my timing. Perfect. I should have just laughed coming right into it. You missed a good one.

Did I? Yeah. Well, I put this story in here and one of the my favorite things was i delayed that the monkey was playing pong that's the craziest detail yeah um what was my joke on this oh the monkeys like they they can finally see my thoughts and it's with pong like what a let like how about grand theft auto or call of duty yeah and then another monkey by the way greg in the lab had to be put down after playing donkey kong the fucker wouldn't stop throwing barrels at italians yeah it's uh it's it's pretty crazy i mean

this is this is i, first of all, we get social media, which allows big companies to track everything. We like, we think, we prefer, we watch. There's files. Google Advertising has files on every one of us. It's 1984 exactly. Then you get ChatGBT, which allows computers to do everything that a human brain can do. And now, here it is, the last step, putting fucking chips in your head that can control your activities and watch your thoughts.

Well, wait. You said watch your thoughts. I mean, I guess so, yeah. But I mean, in its purest, as stated by Musk, I guess, and it's in the ideal sense for him, you know, it's you can do things. Like, I wonder how it would affect, you know, people who can't speak. Like, and you know how, you know, what's his name's voice? Because he had the machine that talked for him. Smartest man in the world in the wheelchair.

Richard Stephen Hawking. Jesus Christ, I got to get some more sleep. Stephen Hawking, like, I get some more sleep Stephen Hawking I wonder how this would affect him would he have been able to speak much faster because he could just look at words or was he already doing that maybe it was his eyes

anyway it's for people like that and you can move things you introduce this kind of technology with the altruistic functions but ultimately you always have to think, what's the dark side of this technology? How can this be used to control human beings? Right. I guess. Because who can't be improved by a computer?

I mean, look at us. We could eventually fire Denman and have chips in that correct everything that we say wrong. We could get rid of the whole correction section of Sunday Papers. You're selling they're also going to sell racist chips? That's right. Wow.

That'll be, that won't be first gen. That's like second or third gen, I think. Good news for Gubbins. Let's get a crinkle. Yeah. Max Nichols says, I like Gubbins' stories. The man, the myth, the legend, Gubbins.

Expand his story, but maybe on 500th episode he comes on. All right, so about six years. How long is that? What episode are we on? Denman, what number episode are we on? I'm guessing over 100. I'm going to guess 131.

I'm going to say 120. I'm going to say I'm guessing over 100. I'm going to guess 131. I'm going to say 120. I'm going to say I'm over. So if its price is right, I'm going to change my guess to 124. Wow, a four-guess range. Damon says this will be 166. Damn. Okay. I think 500, the episode is too soon then. Yeah. yeah i think we gotta let it breathe a little more

um did you have something to say about yeah so what happened was so he was in spain we talked about it last week and then he said a cousin has a house so he was totally hooked up over there which is great and he sent pictures and it was beautiful before he left though he told me and then he might go he has friends off who have a sailboat off of portugal and i didn't think anything about it except that sounds like that sounds incredible like why are you back because he's back now unrelated though and it was a news story this week these killer whales this pod of killer whales off of portugal are ramming and trying to sink and sinking sailboats or any boats actually and they will take out the rudder you know they're the smartest goddamn things they will take out the

rudder and then one of them rammed it and caused it to leak. So anyway, this is a bit of an old story the first time it happened. But this week it made news because there was something like 20 new incidents. No. And now Portugal has put in place an official system where it's mandatory to report an encounter with these orcas off of Portugal. Whoa. Yeah. My sister's going there this summer.

Yeah, I mean, that is truly... Tell your brother Bobby to rent a boat. Oh, actually, Bobby's going also. My brother's going. It's hard to imagine a terror worse than being on a sailboat, can't even see land, and you're getting fucking bumped by killer whales. Who might be half the size of your boat, you know?

Are they... Is the intention to eat people? Are they attacking humans? They've never... I think I have this correct. I mean, they've never eaten a human. I don't think they've ever attacked a human. And there's plenty of footage of a curious pod coming up to a swimmer, you know?

Yeah. And it's terrifying when you look at it. And it is really curious. It goes upside down right under the swimmer to look at them. I've seen that. Yeah. And all around them. And it's like, oh, my God. And they are the apex predator.

Great whites are terrified of them. They turn them upside down and eat their liver. Yeah, right. Wow. So, Christopher, no recorded attacks. Denman says the attacks last 30 minutes. They hypothesize it's either a fad or one of them had a bad experience with the boat as a youngster and are teaching the others. No recorded attacks on humans in the wild ever.

Isn't that crazy? How? How is it a fad? Are these fashionable orcas? Yeah. Well, they're Gen Z orcas. They're looking for stimulation. All right.

They do things that are fads. There was a group that put fish on their heads. Well, yeah, you've seen them flip seals with their tails in the air. I wouldn't call these fads, I don't think. Wow. Orcas do things like fads. Teenage orcas. Oh, teenage orcas.

Maybe they're just so sick of yacht rock that they're just taking it out on yachts because that f fat is over man yeah yeah thank god yeah exactly plays sailing one more time and the fucking bow is getting it but you know the you know uh the whale ship the whale ship essex is what uh and i know we've talked about it before but is what um Melville based Moby Dick on, and that was a sperm whale intentionally, vindictively, ramming and successfully sinking the Whaleship Essex.

No shit. Oh, dude, you like falling asleep and being completely isolated and locked off from your wife. Listen to Whaleship Essex when you're ignoring her in bed. It's amazing. Amazing. I got it on Audible and it was fantastic. Maybe I'll

listen to it and I'll start ramming her in the middle of the night. Yeah, and she will just completely separate and split from herself and take lifeboats away from you that's what happens uh all right here we go she'll have a lot of entertainment that one ah there we go entertainment all right i know we talked about this a little, but there's an update.

Celine Dion took to Instagram on Friday to announce that with tremendous disappointment, she is unable to perform and has canceled her Courage World Tour as she continues to battle stiff person syndrome. Perhaps Courage wasn't the best name for the tour. Maybe cautious or careful. How did Celine and her doctors not see stiff person syndrome coming? She had symptoms from day one.

And finally, fortunately, Celine's stiff person syndrome is not nearly as advanced as her husband's. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, no. That wasn't a sexual joke you know he's dead right oh got it no he wouldn't be stiff for her at this point no but i'll follow that up with my my sexual joke maybe they could do transfusions from people with stiff stiff person syndrome to people with erectile dysfunction. Maybe that could finally be the cure for all of us. I mean, all of them.

Doctors are in the lab now working on a vaccine, but experts say there's a stiff chance it will ever work. Stiff chance. All right, what is this one? This is a guy who wrote in, and he was talking about, we mentioned that Nicolas Cage was making bad choices in the second half of his career on his projects. And this guy says that Cage was down $14 million dollars and he didn't recover from stuff he didn't come

back until 2022 he couldn't he couldn't turn a movie down because the real estate crash put him in 14 million dollar irs debt his fortune primarily in properties, mostly weird and risky, unsuccessfully sued his manager, refused to file bankruptcy, rolled up his sleeves, and took any paycheck he could for 15 years. Wow. I mean, when you think about it, he was always interesting. Even if it was a bad movie, he was worth watching. Yeah, I wonder what... Did he luck into any roles that were like no one gave it a chance,

but it was so weird it worked out? I think he's done some of those. The devil one was kind of interesting, where he played a devil. That's out now, isn't it? Maybe it's a remake, but the original one came out like 15 years ago. Oh, all right. No, there's one now where he plays the devil, I think, that's in theaters now.

Oh. Yeah. But that's when he's back, though, anyway. Here we go. Denman's saying he's playing Dracula in the newest one. Oh, that's what it is. Denman, what was the other movie where he played a devil? He can tell us after this next story.

Toby wrote in and he said, the term and concept of Gaslight comes from a 1930s novel and two excellent movies made in the 40s. You can find them streaming for free. The first Gaslight movie, it's closer to the novel, however. Do you want to name them? Stars Ingrid Bergman. Both are excellent, and I'm pretty sure the

Ingrid Bergman version is on HBO Max. Give them a watch. I mean, is it called Gaslight? He doesn't say. I'm assuming it is. One's 40 and one's 44. Maybe he's gaslighting us. There's no such movie we're going to look forever for it. Yeah. All right, it's time to make America, Florida. This is inspirational. This is inspirational.

This is inspirational. She may not have the same velocity on her fastball as an MLB pitcher, but Helen Cahan still had plenty to be proud of as she threw out the ceremonial first pitch before the Tampa Bay Rays and New York Yankees took the field on May 5th, her 100th birthday. Whoa. Cahan stood confidently on the pitcher's mound with her daughter and son.

It didn't matter that the throw only made it halfway to home plate. The crowd of more than 25,000 gave her a standing ovation as Rays relief pitcher Kevin Kelly, who caught the pitch, congratulated her with a smile and a handshake. Kahan of Seminole, Florida, who survived multiple Nazi concentration camps, was triumphant. That is amazing. And a beautiful moment, so touching, of course ruined by the Florida man announcer who said, quote, I haven't seen a curveball coming like that since von Hindenburg appointed Hitler as chancellor of Germany in 1933.

You know he was an excellent painter? That pitch was slower than the Red Army's push through the second Panzer group into Leningrad in 41. I mean, that doesn't seem like a good analogy. What a color commentator. It's pretty amazing. Was chris denman was he announcing that game yeah he always with the germany references um read that in a den oh dennis miller that's funny read that in a dennis miller voice because the references are so specific and

yeah Red Army's pushed through the second Panzer group in Leningrad in 41 it's like all of Dennis Miller's didn't need three of the details yeah yeah now that was very that was very 90s the specific details I always loved that

I loved somebody who did their work you know Nick DiPaolo always had these really fucking specific jokes. Yeah. A hundred years old. I don't have a joke here, but they're talking about her daughter and son by her side. Meanwhile, they're like

80. 80 years old. Oh my God. Hopefully they're not older than 80. They say it only made it halfway to home plate because she wasn't really concentrating. Yeah, by the way, multiple concentration camps. That's crazy. Yeah, I know.

I didn't know you got moved around. Oh, sure. Yeah. Maybe she had the Ural pass and was just really taking advantage of all of uh all of the german countryside or austria also were any concentration camps outside of germany that's a legitimate question oh poland i think most of them were in poland oh i oh like Oh, like crack out? Oh, you see? I'm an idiot. I should have known that. Wow, yeah. Okay, here's one.

Tampa. Another Florida story. A Florida man is behind bars on a $1 million bond after authorities said he stabbed his roommate in the neck while dressed as a cat. I mean, can you ask more from a Florida man headline than that? When I first read this headline, I was like, I would totally stab my roommate in the neck if he was dressed like a cat.

Misunderstanding that the stabber was the one dressed as a cat. Tuesday evening, a man called 911 to report that his roommate had stabbed him in the neck when officers arrived they forced their way into the home where they found the victim seriously bleeding from the neck minutes later 32 year old Omar Gutierrez dressed tip to tail

in a cat costume came out with his paws up oh sorry you wrote that I just did that on the fly came out with his paws up. Oh, sorry, you wrote that. I just did that on the fly. That's hilarious. Sorry, the article says with his hands up, and Greg wrote in here with his paws up.

Yeah, by the way, I didn't think that's how they got him. I thought they'd have to call the fire department and have him come down out of the tree. the fire department and have him come down out of the tree? Put out a bowl of milk, coax him down. Like six hours. He's all stuck to his little rope treehouse thing that's in the living room. Yeah. Stuck to his little rope treehouse thing that's in the living room.

Yeah. You got some stuff here. What else? Officials are still hunting down a motive, but following up on a lead that the roommate was dressed in gray and had a whisker-like mustache and at the time of the assault was eating a slice of cheese pizza. I like that one. And then my last joke is similar to your joke.

I like it, though. He had launched himself onto the curtains and clung there menacingly. All right. What is this? We have a third. Oh, this was just added. Yeah, Mike Denman just added this, not Mark Denman. That would have been a correction.

Florida man falls into pond behind a bar and loses arm to alligator. Florida man whose right arm was bitten off by a 10-foot alligator brushed off losing a limb in the attack because, as he puts it, it's not the end of the world. Meanwhile, his attorney is probably like, I told you stop fucking talking to everybody about this. Who's he going to sue, an alligator? The bar.

If the bar, you can sue a bar if you get in a drunk driving accident, if you got drunk at the bar, right? Yeah. Jordan Rivera, 23, fell into a pond behind Bandido's Bar in Port Charlotte on Sunday, shortly before 2 a.m., of course. I didn't lose my life. I lost an arm. It's not the end of the world, Rivera told the news outlet during an interview from his hospital bed. Wow. All right.

Well, I mean, I don't know if he could sue the bar if you fell into a pond. That's like, you know, and the cops come and they're like, have you been drinking? And he's like, I'm in a pond. It's 2 a.m. and we're in Florida.

At 1.50 a.m.m yeah you tell me officer but how about like they're looking for a location for banditos bar why don't we put it steps away from a pond that has alligators that are 10 fucking feet big oh my god uh I guess 10 feet. Probably that's why it didn't kill him. Maybe I guess that's mostly tail. I don't know. Maybe 10 feet is not that big. 10 feet is pretty fucking big.

Okay. Then we have, do we do a paper wrinkle for this? No, I think it's a natural transition. Well, we asked for Make Florida Australia. This one's called Angry Mom. Video footage has captured the moment a wife mowed down her husband and his lover in a car. Christy Lee Kennedy, 38, pleaded guilty in Brisbane District Court last month to dangerous driving. That's what it was. She found her husband,

David Larkin, kissing another woman, Zoe Norring, in the Brisbane suburb of Waverhill Heights. The vehicle is then seen in the video smashing into them, sending both of them sprawling to the... what? Bitumen? What the fuck

is bitumen? I imagine it's an Australian curb. Miss Kennedy then got out of her... Hopefully it's not a pond with 10-foot alligators. Miss Kennedy then got out of her car and punched Miss Norring in the face, calling her a fat mole and a slut before getting back in the car and driving off.

A jury last year found Kennedy not guilty on two counts of a malicious act with intent to disable. The Crown withdrew the two assaults, occasioning bodily harm charges against her last month. Okay. Yeah, she was acquitted by a jury of Australian women, meaning they had all been cheated on by their husbands. Exactly.

Bitumen, a black viscous mixture of hydrocarbons obtained naturally or as a residue from petroleum distillation. It's used for road surfacing and roofing. So it's asphalt. Asphalt, basically. It's tar. It's tar. It sounds like it's tar. I mean, this is kind of like, I don't know.

Is there, isn't there a certain justice if your husband is cheating that you can, you can ram his car and call her a slut, maybe punch her in the face? I mean, she earned it. Maybe the Australians are a little bit more like Old West, like, you know, vigilante justice is OK. I think she's going to beat this charge like she beat the last one. That's right. And I didn't even mean that, like beat. Yeah, she's very violent. She beats everything.

Yes, she beats everything. This woman beats everything in her way. But no, yeah, you can. I think there's insanity. Isn't there, like, even in the American law, right, that you're temporarily out of your mind if, because, oh, crime of passion. I mean, nobody who ever

kills or harms a pedophile and it's their child as the victim, fuck that. That is in their bounds to do that. Yeah, but it's hard to run a society when that's officially allowed. So we got an update, Nicolas Cage update. Mike was right.

Sympathy for the Devil is also out now in addition to the vampire movie, so I guess he's a devil. There's a 2019 movie called Running with the Devil where I guess he, with Nicolas Cage and Lawrence Fishburne, he plays the devil and then Drive Angry in 2011, he escapes hell and steals Satan's gun. So a lot of satanic themes. I remember him as a goofy Dracula at one point.

Do you have that image in your mind? No. No. When I'm thinking of it was like a Wall Street corporate kind of guys, and he was a devil, and he was like running a Wall Street firm or something. Pacino. Oh, I'm thinking of Pacino. You're thinking of Pacino.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And Keanu Reeves. Yes. Fancy, rich New York. Yeah. It seems like it's a lot of busy work for the devil to be an attorney. But anyway.

All right, let's get to sports. All right, here we go, paper crinkle. The devil's advocate. It was called The Devil's Advocate. It was called The Devil's Advocate. Okay, so last week I talked about loving the Conor McGregor docuseries, and then we got an email from a gentleman named Michael who says that there's another side to Conor McGregor, multiple sexual assault allegations,

punched an old guy in a bar for not wanting to drink his whiskey. There's video of that. He punched an Italian DJ after partying with him, punched a fan's phone out of his hand and stomped on it outside a club. I get that. Got into an altercation with Machine Gun Kellylly at a red carpet somewhere i saw that uh attacked a woman on his boat so badly she jumped into the ocean to flee him so and then she rammed the boat and sank it she was a little roomy in the hips yeah she was wait you missed a funny detail about punching the old guy in the bar. What's that? He later bought the bar and had the old guy banned. Oh, that's great.

So anyway, that's that. And then let's do an update. We made a bet last week. The Celtics were down two zero they were both down two zero lakers and the celtics and i said i mean you go down three zero and the celtics might be proving me wrong but you go down three zero and historically it's no bueno so it's never happened. Nobody's ever come back from 3-0 in NBA history. Hold on. Wait a minute.

Ever, even in division finals? Never. Well, division finals, I think, are only five games, right? No, they moved him to set up. Look at him. Never has happened, says Chris. I thought it was a fits fact. I thought we were up against a fits fact.

So knowing that, that it either only happened once or never, I thought a good bet would be that both teams would prevent it from going three zip. And I did a parlay, which means I had to win both of them. And the first game did not happen. Celtics went down three zip. And I did a parlay, which means I had to win both of them. And the first game did not happen. Celtics went down three zip. So you owe me $10. I owe you $10.

Yeah. You gave me that. That would be awesome. You got it. Yeah. But maybe I could buy a pin. Nope. That would be 20,

sir. Tonight's game, six, is in Miami. Celtics versus Celtics. Two best of seven. What the fuck does that mean? It's best of seven. It's first one to four, and Miami's up 3-2. Celtics have won two.

They were down 3-0. They've won two in a row. And somehow the Celtics are favorites tonight, Saturday night, on the road in Miami. Yeah. Well, I think if Robinson can press and Shelton can hit the three-pointers, they got a chance. Look at you, sports talker.

All right. Is this Denman's prediction? Celtics 105, Heat 102. That's the prediction from a betting site. What is the over-under? Is it right around that? It's 207-ish? No under. Oh, wait.

Does he have it here? He has the lines. No, he just has the spread. Yeah. Alright. Let's go to... Let's skip business and get to this day in history. Yeah, here we go. Hold on.

Alright, Denman, put this in. I'm joking. All right, you want me to read this because of your voice? Yeah, that'd be great. You don't have to read the whole thing, though. It's pretty long. On May 28, 1937, the government of Germany,

then under control of Adolf Hitler of the National Socialist Party, forms a new state-owned automobile company, then known as Galasheschafts-Zervoren-Bag-Dais-Deutschen-Volkswagen-MBH. Later that year, it was renamed simply Volkswagenwerk or the People's Car Company. Originally operated by the German Labor Front, a Nazi organization, Volkswagen was headed, sorry, headquartered in Wolfsburg, Germany. Everything sounds so intense in Germany. Yeah.

From German Labor Front, even to the town Wolfsburg. In addition to his, they really got the memo on consonants being hard. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like even with Nazi. All right. It's the least sexy language. Like if you've ever watched German porn, it's, and you have, it's the least sexy language of all.

you have it's the least sexy language of all maybe although all the sexy words are very hard including fuck which is a dutch word i think initially um so it's germanic yeah so fuck i oh by the way i read this article yeah well I read an article this week that cunt is like trending like crazy. And I guess it's, they're reclaiming women are reclaiming. It is what the article said. And there's sayings like, I'm going to get this wrong. And that's funny.

It's fine. But like cunt up, like, you know, like, like trying to spin in a positive way, like owning it. Like it's fabulous to be a cunt.

No, your daughters taught me to use it like they said, that's so cunt. Yes, exactly. Yeah. It's cool. Yeah. And I wonder, Chris, try to find the phrase. You can put it at the bottom

of your favorite story here about Hitler. Put it at the bottom. There's a phrase using cunt. And this was a real article in a real periodical that I read, like Vanity Fair or something like that anyway. Okay. Do I have to read more of the Volkswagen actually? No, I think we got it.

I just wanted to point out that it's incredible to me with picketing Bud Light and all the shit people talk about because they're educated consumers that spend with their heads. That Volkswagen that was Hitler's company is still like I think it's the best selling car in the world right now. like i think it's the best-selling car in the world right now and and you know it's it's and then krups like krups coffee makers it's it was a company that made parts for the nazi war machine well my thing growing up in and it was a hard thing to talk about but like i was in new york we would go out to the hamptons i seemingly did not know a jewish family that was not driving a mercedes-benz yeah or or a bavarian motorworks car bmw and it was incredibly recent of course i couldn't realize as a kid how recent it was but we're talking the early 70s and in the 40s not only were they nazi tanks and not and helping in a tremendous way

the nazi push to take over the world and to exterminate a race of people. But also, on top of that, they worked Jews to death to build BMWs in the camps. And Volkswagens. Yep. Yep. Jesus. It's such a blind spot. And I've said this before, and God, it's too bad I don't remember her name. But at Kilbourne, which was 2000 to 2005, this black female comedian came on, and she was also bringing up how recently

that her grandfather, before he was a sharecropper, he was a child, and he was on a plantation. He was a slave. And she's like, I can't believe I wear cotton. Yeah. It was such a good point. Yeah. And this was from the 70s to the 40s.

And it was obviously going on in the 60s also. Like, they didn't even change their name. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. This is interesting, though. I read ahead a little as I was making stuff up just now. It was, okay.

In addition to his ambitious campaign to build a network of autobahns and limited chris likes this because we're singing hitler's uh good his good side uh autobahns and limited access highways across germany hitler's pet project was the development and mass production of an affordable yet still speedy vehicle that could sell for less than 1,000 Reich marks, which is $140 at that time. To provide the design for this, quote, people's car, Hitler called in the Austrian and German automotive engineer Ferdinand Porsche. No shit. So I knew that because the Stouts were big fans.

They had the old, you know, the classic 1960s hippie vans, the VW bus. Yeah. And those were Porsche engines in there. Yep. I remember when I was a parking attendant parking a Porsche 944, and it had Volkswagen floor mats. So I think they were, I think they shared ownership. Did you see the update from Denman on the C word? Let's see it. Right below. The C word is everywhere right now and not in a bad way. Now, I don't know if he copied and pasted that or that's Denman's view.

It sounds like a Denman view. But anyway, it's one of the most diverse words in English language. And thanks to the LGBTQ community, it's having a moment. All right, let me find this phrase. It's co-opting taboo words, power, identity politics, blah, blah, blah, a drag culture. Oh, yeah, RuPaul's Drag Race, I know, was in this. Yeah, this is the article I saw. All right. Oh, yeah, RuPaul released a song in 2017 called Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent, which spells the C word.

Anyway, there's a saying, though, and I forget what it is, but it's one of the ways they use it in a positive way. Kind of like my daughters, I guess, who were saying something was so cunt. Well, it seems like if they're going to take words away, you know, there's a bunch of words you can't say anymore. They need to give us some back. There has to be an exchange. Right.

We get cunt back. We should get, what about the F word? Can we get that back? Oh, serving? Is that what it really is, or is Chris just trying to make me say this out loud? That's funny. Serving cunt.

Oh, that's it. Serving cunt. Yeah. All right. Can we use it in a sentence? It sounds like we're at some Eyes Wide Shut party and now we're about to carve up a woman.

I think a phrase go away. I think a phrase like serving cunt is an affirmation. It's a form of recognition of having crossed a really difficult threshold of not just a beautiful look or a really well put together face of makeup, but a bigger question, she says. All right. Okay. I think we should couple it. a beautiful look or a really well put together face of makeup, but a bigger question, she says. Alright, okay.

I think we should couple it. What? Speaking of cunt, we got a good cunt in the letters to the editor. You want to crinkle us into that? Good transition. Alright, Glenn Sherrill. Segways are for cunts. Glenn Sherrill said, among the texts and emails

that came to light as a result of the Dominion lawsuit were some highly critical of management that Tucker Carlson also called women on the staff cunts. All right. He described a senior Fox News executive as a C word. I don't think he was empowering women when he did that. I sort of wish we didn't do this story because now i'm kind of liking the guy um so then we got daniel stark says this is not a correction but a recommendation

for corrective action haven't you said on numerous occasions how much you hate it when friends and families show up in your audience when you're filming a special. Wouldn't purchasing tickets to follow your cousin around the golf course and scream out tips and an occasional baba booey from the tee box go against your better instincts? Fan forever. Mike is not a douche. Whoa. As opposed to what? Are there people saying you're a douche?

I don't know. It sounds fancy to me. I don't know what the word means but it's french i'll take it it cleans you up makes you fresh um that's true and i do have mixed feelings about following my cousin around i think the only he doesn't we haven't seen each other in 15 years and as much as I follow his career and I'm very excited for him, we have not rendezvoused. We've texted. We have a little text thing going. We've tried to meet up because he lives in the same town as my mom in Florida.

But I don't think if I, from a distance, followed him in the crowd, he would not pick me out. And that's the only way I would do it. I would not say hello to him until after the round. Having played golf for whatever it is two years, I immediately knew the best guys in the world have to be half robot. Meaning spectrum. It's like my chip's off. Let me go hit 4,000 chip shots to get it right before tomorrow's

tournament or whatever. That's what it takes. No, there's a series. And to be focused on every one. That's the key. I can go out and hit 4,000 chip shots, but who knows where I'll be on the 80th one. On the 8th one, who knows where I'll be. I know. I hit a bucket of balls and I can't even

finish the bucket when I'm at the range. I get bored. I can't keep doing it. no, I hit a bucket of balls, and I can't even finish the bucket when I'm at the range. I get bored. I can't keep doing it. But, no, there's a docuseries made by the same people that did the F1 series about golf. I forget what it's called, but it really gets into, like, there's a guy, Fitzpatrick, who's a British golfer, who is apparently the hardest working guy on the tour. And this guy just never stops. He is just constantly practicing, has his whole life.

I think if you're the best in the world, like, you know, there was some documentary and I actually had not seen this that much, but they're like, you couldn't run into Hendrix without a guitar being in his hand. He brought it to cafes when he had coffee while on tour. It was in the diner with him. He had it at restaurants. It was just an extension of his body. Yeah.

And a physical identity. He was not himself. I remember, this is different, but it's a little interesting about how the mind works and if that is a thing that your body is identifying and it probably calms you, you know, is we were doing a bit on Kilbourne and we had, who was the fat Yankees pitcher who pitched a no-hitter?

Fernandez? What? Fernandez? What? Fernandez? No, no, David Wells, yes. He was the greatest guy. Partied. Oh, he was fantastic. So we had David Wells on.

And he was a smart guy, too. And we wanted to read this joke. And there was a little nuance in it. And he couldn't do it. And he couldn't do it. And Kilborn, on his desk had this sculpture like of a hand and to just make it stupid looking he put a baseball in it and i remember that baseball was on set and without thinking i went and got the baseball and i threw

it up to him and i'm like he's like what are you doing i'm like nothing i'm like just you know uh you can just fuck around with it you know while we're doing takes the first take he did while like massaging this baseball was flawless uh-huh like didn't think about it felt natural felt loose and i felt and i felt like a genius yeah oh that's oh yeah through a perfect game severely hung over is, is what Chris has added here. Yeah. Yeah. All right, let's get to the obituary. All right, here we go.

And that's all, folks. All right, do you want me to read the one? Read the one you have on your phone, because that one's better. He sent me one today that was pretty tight, and it was well-written. And this is, of course, about Tina Turner. And Dickie, by the way, is the purveyor, co-purveyor with his wife of Rosie's Bagels. Go to Rosie's LA, rosiesbagelsla.com. And if you live on the west side of LA, fresh Montreal-style bagels boiled in molasses.

Soft on the inside, crispy on the outside. All selection of different types, different spreads, locks. He brings it to your house. Reasonable. Hit him up and get some bagels. And if you mention Proud Mary, you get six free bagels. That's not true. Don't do it.

They're not going to honor it. Okay. When Tina Turner left her husband, who was also her boss, captor, and brutal tormentor, she snuck out of their Dallas hotel room with a single thought in her mind. The way out is through the door. From there, she fled across the midnight freeway, semi-trucks greening past her with 36 cents and a mobile gas card in her pocket. As soon as she decided to walk out that door, she owned nothing else. When she filed for divorce, she made an unusual request. She didn't

want anything. Not the song rights, not the cars, not the houses, not the money. All she wanted was the stage name he gave her, Tina, and her married name, Turner. This was the name by which the world had come to know her, and keeping it was her only chance to salvage her career. Things could have gone a lot of ways from there. She could have labored in obscurity for decades, maybe making records on small labels to be prized by vinyl connoisseurs in Portland. She could have stayed in Vegas, where she first went to get her chops back up and worked as a nostalgia act. And of course, given what she had been through, she might have not made it.

What happened instead is that Tina Turner became the biggest global rock star of the 80s. I'm old enough to barely remember this, but if you aren't, it was like this. The Rolling Stones would headline a stadium one day, and the next day it would be Tina Turner, a middle-aged black woman. She became a rock star at 42 years old, sitting atop the 80s like it was her throne. She managed this because of whatever rare stuff she was made of. This is a woman whose label gave her two weeks to record her solo debut, Private Dancer, which went five times platinum. Because she decided to speak publicly about her abusive marriage and forge her own identity, and in doing so, give hope and courage to countless women.

And also because, and perhaps an unlikely twist for a girl from Nutbush, Tennessee, she had her practice of Buddhism, to which she credited her survival. She remained devout until the end. Tina's second marriage, and to her, her only marriage, was to Edwin Bach, a Swiss music executive, 16 years her junior. Of him, she said, Erwin, who is a force of nature in his own right, has never been the least bit intimidated by my career, my talents, or my fame. In 2016, after a barrage of health problems, Tina's kidneys began to fail. A Swiss citizen by then, she had appeared preparing, sorry, a Swiss citizen by then, she had started

preparing for assisted suicide when her husband stepped in. According to Tina, he said he didn't want another woman or another life. He gave her one of his kidneys, buying her the remainder of her time on this earth, and perhaps closing a cycle which took her from a man who inflicted injury upon her to a man willing to inflict injury upon himself to save her from harm that's powerful born into a sharecropping family as anime bullock in 1939 she died tina turner in a palatial swiss estate the queen of rock and roll a storm of a performer with a wildcat fierce voice, a dancer of visceral spine-tingling potency and ability, a beauty for the ages, a survivor of terrible abuse

and an advocate for others in similar situations, an author, an actress, a devout Buddhist, a wife, a mother, a human being of rare talent and perseverance. I got that word right. Who, through her transcendent brilliance, became a legend. So she's amazing. And I hate to give Ike Turner kind of any attention,

but when you go back, Spotify has an amazing playlist if you look up Ike and Tina Turner. They cover the Beatles like crazy. They do a version. She, I just, she does a version of whole lot of love. That's amazing. Yeah.

Well, if you want to see something that makes your goose bump, get fucking goosebumps. You go watch her live doing, um, Roland, proud mary the creed song and she it starts so slow and so soulful and then when that song breaks it's like nothing you've ever seen before ferocious i think in her her and she was so sexually provocative on stage like Like she treated that mic stand famously, you know, like a cock. Yeah. I don't think that's what it said in the obituary, but she would ride it.

She was so like seductive and also so unbelievably physical. And I think it was, I might have this wrong on how it broke, but I think, you know, occasionally over time, the Stones would speak like sort of shittily of each other. And I think it was Keith Richards in an interview goes,

you know, Mick got every one of his moves from Tina Turner. Oh, no shit. And then they showed an interview where he was, where Mick Jagger was talking about Tina Turner. Ike and Tina Turner, I believe, were warming up for them. And by the way, this week Mick Jagger posted this really cool homemade video, 1969, backstage Madison Square Garden, where Keith Richards is playing and singing a blues song. Square Garden, where Keith Richards is playing and singing a blues song, and Ike and Tina are sitting right next to him, like in the bowels of Madison Square Garden. But in this interview, Mick goes, he couldn't stop watching her. So when they were on stage, and God, maybe I screwed it up and the Stones were warming up for them, but they were in concert at the same night and uh and mick every time they performed couldn't leave the wings and just studied her moves yeah yeah i can see that with

the oh yeah just out the uh yeah i can see that and trading the microphone like a cock but she you know she famously insured her legs back in the in the 80s she she had like you know a million dollar policy on her legs Mick Jagger also posted when you see her it's like what I mean it the music is just coursing through her uh what would I I guess it's on Twitter. But Jagger's posted a bunch about how much, how nice she was to him early in his career and all that stuff. Oh, here it is.

This picture. Dude. That's just someone who's 100% feeling it. Look at the hair. I know. Look at those legs. Unbelievable. The picture we're talking about is, just go to Mick Jagger's Twitter account, and he posted

all these amazing photos of her. Like, there they are together. And then later, she had a very, very, very big influence on them. Didn't they do Dancing in the Streets together in the 90s? No, that was another very effeminate person, David Bowie.

Oh, right. All right, let's cheer up a little bit with the funnies. You got it. Here we go. All right, so our man Hager is bound next to his wife Helga, and there is a marauder with a bag full of their treasures, and he's holding what looks like a garment in his hand, and Helga goes, just go. Oh, he's going through Hager's pockets of his pants,

and she goes, goes already checked his pockets and then uh he in the third frame rapes helga which animated so it's not you know it's not as offensive but weird for a sunday paper and hagger after that comment just let him go at it yep well he check my pockets? It's part of medieval times. It's like, you know, he takes your stuff, he fucks your wife, whatever. Yeah.

Speaking of a husband and wife that maybe are on the rocks, in the Lockhorns, Leroy is sitting in the armchair reading the paper, Helga's standing there with an apron on. He goes, what do you mean mean do I want crunchy or smooth? I thought you were making soup. She's not a good cook.

And now they're on the couch together, and he says to her, one day we'll look back on all this and regret we ever look back on this. I like that one a lot. He has the perspective. All right, here's a far side. I remember loving this one. It's an office, and on the window in the door, you can see it says career counseling,

and a career counselor is sitting there reading, I guess, the resume and work experience of a guy who's sitting there holding his cowboy hat. And he has a very long beard and he looks like a cowboy. And the counselor says, well, Mr. Cody, according to our questionnaire, you would probably excel in sales, advertising, slaughtering a few thousand buffalo, or market research. That's perfect. That's good. That's great.

This blondie strip gave me so much hope. They're planting a seed, or maybe they're pulling back the curtain a little bit, but Dagwood is waking up alone in the bed. He's got his stupid donut pajamas and he stretches and goes, yawn, rise and shine, Bumstead. Time to make some memories. Hold it. I've got nine more minutes before my alarm goes off. My memory's going to hang on for another nine minutes, and the other side of the bed does not look slept in. And I'm just thinking, is she at her mother's? Is she on the couch?

What the fuck? But this asshole wakes up and doesn't even notice. What's the first thing you do when you wake up and you're married? You roll over. You look at your wife. You grab a tit. You snuggle up. You a move on her he he he didn't even notice and then takes a nap it's over it's fucking over says the guy who's listening to audiobooks next to his beautiful wife in bed she's completely shut off unaware wishing she she'd go get out of his reading room.

All I need is some donut pajamas. Here's my hope. She roofied him to leave the house. She roofied him last night. He passed out. He still is unaware.

Look at him. He's unaware she's even gone. And she's over her boyfriend's house getting a good night. Who is now? Who is she? Which is so cunt. What's the so cunt of her? I wonder what the new boyfriend's going to be like. Is she going to go completely in the opposite direction?

Is it going to be a manly man who's a big earner, who's a baller? I'm thinking it's a manly man. Maybe he was the contractor on an addition they put on the house or something like that. Right, right. But he's the contractor. He read the situation. He oversaw the work.

And he's going to throw some money behind her catering company and make it go worldwide. Her picture is the brand of the catering company. That's hysterical. All right, well, listen, we've done it again. We want to thank Midcoast Media, who does an amazing job every week. Chris Demmon was on his game this week after taking off last week to go to a fucking wedding instead of being there for us. I think we learned the secret. We put in more than

one Hitler story and this guy hangs on every word. He really came alive. Yeah. Invigorated. Invigorated. Reinvigorated. And we're going to see you guys next week. We'll both be, I think I'll be in

Los Angeles next week. Are we doing be in, I think I'll be in Los Angeles. Will you be in Los Angeles next week? I'm going to be in LA. Are we doing one in person? Maybe an in person. Wow. All right. Let's do it. It'll be June 3rd.

It'll be the day after my father's 30th anniversary since he died. Wow. Well, and you just put down his golf clubs. Last week. Two weeks ago. Yep. I think you're walking around his golf clubs. Last week. Two weeks ago. Yep. I think you're walking around with some guilt. Yep.

I still haven't gotten the hang of them yet. Maybe he's cursing me. Dude, sold out show tonight. That's amazing. Two shows and the show. I just hope I'm going to drink a lot of tea and honey today, drink a lot of water, and hope for the best. But, yeah, this has been something.

I hope I'm here often. I'd like to come back here often. Wait, Chris is still, because he's still feeling such positive vibes from the Hitler stories. Chris just typed, are you on Rogan's podcast soon? Before you answer that, Chris, one last request. Can you look up the drink that singers get at starbucks for their sore throats it's a this is a thing right it's something about it's a bomb maybe something bomb but it has honey it's it's perfectly uh designed for someone to keep their voice.

I'm going to find a Starbucks in Austin. I don't know if Austin is too cool to have Starbucks. I somehow doubt that. Yeah. Any place that has tried to be too cool for Starbucks, Starbucks is like, yeah, yeah, we've seen that before. We're coming in and you're going to be going to us. Honey, that's not it.

It's like a custom order. Yeah, it's got a nickname order Yeah, it's got a nickname Yeah, it's got a nickname Starbucks Starbucks Alright, this is Starbucks Two blocks from me in either direction So I'm going to go get that right now

That's how cool Austin is Send these files off And I'll see you this week um all right man have a blast tonight say hello to everybody who i might know of course adam and uh oh denman's medicine ball i think it's the medicine ball okay good i think try it all righty, kid. No more talking the rest of the day. Silence. Another way to say that is take it, Ish. I'm going to take it, Ish.

No, don't do that. You know, whispering is harder on your voice. My mom was a speech therapist. She said whispering is harder on the voice than just talking low. Take it, Ish. Oh, God. You don't know how to do it. God bless.

Sunday, Sunday paper. Sunday, Sunday paper. Sunday, Sunday paper. Sunday, Sunday paper. Mike Gibbons rings the Starbucks on the ticket line. He's headed to the Fox Lobster. The weather is fine. Sunday, Sunday papers. Sunday, Sunday papers. Sunday, Sunday papers. Sunday, Sunday papers. says the struggles are the same he'll join you on your picket line then he'll jet set off to spain sunday sunday papers sunday sunday papers sunday sunday papers sunday sunday papers

greg's a good long union man and he doesn't take no from a baltimore hotel room scream read all about it sunday sunday papers sunday sunday papers sunday sunday papers sunday sunday papers