Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 17 6/28/20

Episode Date: June 28, 2020

Mike connects in from sunny Palm Springs, and a listener takes umbrage with Mike and Greg's understanding of that great female organ, the vagina. 

Yeah, what you gonna do for the Sunday Papers? What you gonna do for the Sunday Papers? Welcome, welcome. It's Sunday Papers. I feel like I'm delivering something to you every week, and I've got a friend. We're two two paper boys think of us as two paper boys uh sure okay you know we can very removed from the content of what we're delivering yeah I was on bikes throwing things on wet lawns collecting you gotta I remember when you were a paper boy my brother was a paper boy for a minute and uh you know back then there was no credit cards and you just you had to actually show up to people's houses and ask them for cash to pay for the fucking newspaper right right right right

but also very often paper routes involve the parents right right? Like in other words, they had to drive you or if it was raining. Yeah. Right. And, uh, and also the one that I did out on long Island, the parents had to get the papers. Like how did the paper boys get all the paper? You have to go somewhere, you have to pick them up. And then a lot of times you have to put the rubber band on and bag it. if it's raining out you got to bag it and the paper boys had to do that and then the parents would drive and the kid would throw it out the passenger window but then you had the kids that were super cool that had the satchel over their shoulder and they'd fucking flip it that's a real paper boy that is

a paper boy and of all days of podcasts, of all weeks to be discussing newspapers, you're not wearing your Newsies cap. I know. This is one of the first times. I know. I've got a professional mic stand here and sorry if my audio is going in and out. I'm not very good at it. Turns out. So you are, we should point out, Mike is in a different location this week. He's not in Santa Monica, California. He's in Palm Springs. I'm in Palm Springs. Yeah.

Yeah, it's slightly off season. I'm going to hold up the temperature right now. It's gotten a little cooler than yesterday. I don't know if you can see that. A hundred and six degrees. As I sit here, it's 106. Oh, my God. Last night, we were out drinking by the pool.

It was around, it was between 10 and 11 at night, and it went down to the low 90s. Damn. Dude, I fucking hate Palm Springs. I don't understand why anybody ever goes there. There's something you have to get. Like, I didn't get it right away. Like, when I first moved to LA, I'm like, so you go out there and do nothing?

Like, I don't get it. And now it's like, oh, you go out there and do nothing? I get it. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. There's a little bit of that. Maybe once I give up, like you have, it'll be better. So we're out here.

It's kind of a family reunion. Grandparents are out here, too. It's my niece's birthday today. And it was the first time we were all able to get together. And, of course, very protective about the grandparents' vulnerability, obviously. Yeah. But luckily, the virus has sort of simmered down and is totally under control. Yeah. California. I don't understand something. California shut down first. We were the first

state to fucking lock it down. We've been good. And now why are we spiking? Well, keep in mind where we're spiking. Well, first of all, Los Angeles is the biggest city in America. That's number one. So it should have been pretty bad. True, we don't have the subways like New York, but it should have been way worse. But the lockdown helped. Well, now I guess it's I forget the name of the county, but it's around San Diego. And guess what? Politically, what part of the state that is?

The very right way. I think it's very clear to see. I don't care really what your opinion is, if you disagree with this, but it's like if you are not following some simple things like the social distancing, wearing masks, but all of it combined, especially the stay at home orders. It's clear that the ones that didn't follow that as strictly are in more trouble now. I mean, it's just a fact. Now, you really wonder, like, now it's like Florida, North Carolina, Texas, all these states that were really like fucking screaming at people and making it a political issue not to wear a mask. Screaming at people and making it a political issue not to wear a mask. Where are those people now going?

Sorry, we kind of fucked up. Oh, no. I saw a Florida montage of people. I think it might have been Palm Beach County. It was a like, you know, a town meeting. What's that? The town meeting where the lady was. Yeah, basically a town like the city council meeting, whatever town meeting. What's that? The town meeting where the lady was. Yeah. They basically tell like the city council meeting,

whatever it is. And it was the vote on whether to require the face masks or not. These, especially women, there were a couple of guys was just screaming, uh, in the name of, of God and of religion. And like,

you will not escape God. He's going to come back and get you for vote for taking away our rights and human dignity. And like, it's like, you know, you have to work, you know, it's an age old, it's an old example, but you know, you have to wear clothes too. How come they're not furious about that? God didn't make us with clothes. Right. Right. So I don't know. It's, um, but, but every time I was like, wow, how would I argue that lunatic? It's really hard. You know, the old adage that it's hard to argue with an idiot because soon you can't tell the difference. Yeah, I mean, it's kind of morbid to think I want people, I want to say I told you so. I really don't want to say I told you so because the reality is more people are dying in those places because of that behavior.

I just hope that they can actually calm down and just coldly look at it and say, all right, we got to go back to the masks. No, that's always the thing. It's like you want to see someone proven wrong. You want to see weapons of mass destruction. Like I hope like in other words, I remember being really immeasurably pissed about Bush invading Iraq and being like, I hope, I hope, I hope there's after you kill all those people, I hope there are no weapons of mass destruction. And I'm like, what am I hoping for here? I know. Well, and that's the thing is the Republicans are convinced that the Democrats are really just trying to keep the pandemic going so that they win the election. But I don't know anybody who is hoping more people

die because of a political outcome. I mean, that's that's pretty fucking cold hearted. I mean, he doesn't need the pandemic anymore. So, hey, did you see James Carville interviewed this week? No. He's like, so it's it's and he doesn't speak like this. In fact, he usually is the guy delivering bad news politically to me. Like for instance, on election night, he was my canary in a coal mine, Hillary versus Trump all of a sudden, like, you know, they had to say six faces and he's looking down and I'm immediately drawn to that. I'm like, cause he doesn't give a shit. He really just wants in my opinion, especially like polls and all that, he really cuts through the clutter and gets right to the essence of something. I really do believe that. And he was like, I don't like what I'm

hearing. And meanwhile, we were all like, Hillary's got this right. And, and, and listen, I'm not a Hillary fan, but I wanted that outcome for sure. And so it was like, he's like, I don't like what I'm hearing. I'm like, Whoa, what did he say? And he's like, my man on the ground, my men on the ground in Ohio, especially, I think he was talking about have just painted a very bad picture for me. He was so, he was like a half hour before anybody else started to express doubt about this. So, well, didn't he start out as a Republican and then he became a Democrat? Yes, that's true.

So this week, one hundred percent certainty Trump cannot win the election. So now he's like Carville is not even about the election anymore. He's like, how will Trump get out of it? And maybe like a Johnson, he, he just drops out.

No, that's what he's thinking. I have a theory. I think Trump will. My theory is wrong. I think he's going to try to contract the virus and have an out, which maybe gets I don't know if we'll get him sympathy again. I think it might be that big. I told you so, which we were talking about at the beginning of this. I think it might be that big. I told you so, which we were talking about at the beginning of this. Right. Yeah. I mean, when Boris Johnson got it, he all of a sudden people swung around behind him. He got sympathy for catching the coronavirus, even though he was the he was the loudest voice saying we don't need social distancing. We need the economy to keep strong. So maybe he's looking at that model. Yeah. It's interesting. I don't know. OK, so let's say we assume Carville's right, that there's zero percent chance Trump can win.

Yeah, I don't that that that's earlier than I thought people would be saying this. And it's very interesting how what how this summer is going to play out, you know. Yeah. It's going to be a long, funny summer because it's going to be what is it called? The tail wagging the dog. There's going to be a lot of distractions. There's going to be invasions and there's going to be treaties broken and there's going to be, you know, he's going after Obamacare. Right. Well, whatever. Let's not get into politics. Let's talk about you. Ready for our first story, Mike? Oh, my. Oh, I don't have a newspaper. Do you have one? Let me get my newspaper.

Oh my God, it's a real newspaper. Here we go. Disney has delayed its reopening in California. They say because the state has pushed things back, they now need extra time to bring back their thousands of workers. And yeah, I mean, there's a lot of characters out there that are, you know, they got to clean out their costumes. They've been on they've been in front of Man's Chinese Theater having fistfights with Aquaman. It's an elaborate mask when you're dressed as a duck an eight foot tall duck right and i realized that uh when they come back i wrote this i wrote a little bit when they come back the seven dwarfs are gonna have new names now it's gonna be yeah it's gonna be snee to be Sneezy, Sleepy, Wheezy, Achy, Sweaty, No Tasty,

and Diarrhea. Diarrhea could have been the fourth one. There was no following it. There's just no following it. It had to be Diarrhea at the end. That's how every bad thing is. The only other way to go would be, and the Seven Dwarfs' new names are, try to keep them checked, diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea, it's just times seven. That's what I love about Nick Swartzen is he still uses diarrhea. I think he's got a four diarrhea minimum in every set that he does. I remember your bachelor party. We stopped at a ticket. We had that RV and we went out to Vegas and we stopped for lunch or

whatever. And I think he got some, I don't know what a fajitas, I don't know what it was, a Mexican restaurant and whatever he got. And the person came and served him. And in all sincerity that this, the server couldn't even read if he was joking.

He's like, Oh wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry. I didn't order the diarrhea. It like holds up his plate for them to take it back. He's so funny.

Uh, all right. Also in the news. Oh, what do we got? We got statues, baby. A lot of talk about statues. Now they're taking down the Teddy Roosevelt.

You know the one in front of the Museum of Natural History? Are you one of those people that says Roosevelt? Roosevelt. What do you say? I mean, even if it is Roosevelt, I'm never going to say that. Isn't it Roosevelt? I think I used to say Roosevelt when I lived in New York, and now I've become Roosevelt in California.

It seems weird. Well, it's too old. Where did Howard Stern grow up or go to high school? He says Roosevelt. Right. Yeah. I mean, maybe New Yorkers pronounce it wrong? It's just different i mean it's so weird

when i hear my kids say things with a california accent um like uh wait what do they say there's a bunch of words they say and i just fucking it's like a slap in the face like what where are you from you're new yorkers and it's like no they've never lived in New York. They've only lived here. It is weird. Our kids have like grown up with flip flops. Yeah. It's crazy. Flip flops. Like year round.

Year round. That's their, that's the shoe they most, that are vans. Yep. Or what they most often wear. They don't jaywalk. They don't know what race their friends are. Like when you grew up in New York, you know exactly what each of your friends is. I'm not saying that's good, but like this kid's Italian.

This kid's Greek. He's Dominican. This guy's black. And out here, it's just sort of nobody even asks. It's just sort of I guess that's progress, right? Why do we call Joey a beaner? Is it because he's mexican like they don't even know why they're using their racial epithet they don't even know why is he a wop what does wop mean um no it is isn't that way did you find that growing up though that you knew everybody's race

well i grew up in east chester new York, which people, which everyone referred to as Greece Chester, because it was 99% Italian. And my sister and I were the me, I think me were the exceptions. And I told you, but I've told you that, like, I was the only kid I like for what, you know, for whatever my version of praying was i prayed every day to be shorter because i was the awkward tall kid in my grammar school with ralph garifano the lodies who were these twins who these these two twin italian guys who did an ad with joe nameth like it was just a time and rocky came out when i was

in grammar school saturday night you know it was it was it was travolta like everything in pop culture was also italian yeah it was such an overload and i'm this pasty tall you know divorce can none of their parents divorce no of course not yeah uh because crestwood was down the hill and crestwood was a little city also in westchester county above new york that um that's where all these italian craftsmen immigrants also lived because i think it was crestwood i'm trying to remember where the marble quarry was and all of that marble was used to build the Washington DC monuments oh no shit really yep yeah yeah yeah right there yeah that's the thing about the Italians we immigrated uh to the U.S. emigrated to the U.S. um around the same time as the Italians but we didn't really have the

skills and the Italians they knew they were um skilled marble workers, and they fucking worked. Oh, big time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but everything, painting, everything. And you're right. The Irish got very lucky that the civil jobs, they could become firemen and police. That was it.

They weren't building monuments. Nobody wanted to be a fireman back then because you fucking died a lot when you were a fireman. And then, you know, my kids grew up going to Spanish immersion school. So half the kids in their school were Latino. And my daughter used to hate that she had white skin. She wanted to have brown skin. She wanted black hair.

She wanted brown eyes. skin she wanted black hair she wanted brown eyes and i was like jojo don't you realize how much you have going for you right now this is the greatest you have white privilege don't pretend you don't like it but take it in don't bite the privileged hand that is feeding you, of course. No, who wouldn't want skin that doesn't burn as easily? I know, I know. I only dated olive skin girls. Puerto Rican girls, Colombian, Cuban, Italian, Greek. Lisa Cosmos was my girlfriend in high school. And yeah, a couple of black girls.

What was your joke about irish sunbathing putting an irish guy in the sun is like putting a fork in the microwave just sparks and a lot of pain i like it i like that one all right so teddy roosevelt yeah Statues are coming down. There is one of him standing, sitting on his horse with two naked, a naked African and an American Indian, semi-naked. You know where the statue is, right? Isn't it right by the subway station? Well, yes, but it's outside the museum of natural history right and uh i i know that statue very well and um in new york but it is i don't think anyone would be

i don't think there'd be a call to take his statue down if it didn't have, you know, sort of the Native American, you know, this basically the slave labor standing around him. Right. Or victims in the Native American, in the Native American case. So I think that that statue is a, I don't know. But, you know, listen, it's a slippery slope. We have a lot of news this week. How about John Wayne Airport?

What's going on there? They're thinking of getting rid of the John Wayne part. Is it, was he a racist or just his movies were all about killing Indians? Oh no, no. He was, he was, he said race. There's a famous 1971 interview. Um, and no, no racist. Oh no, no. He, I, I don't john wayne and i used to love when public enemy you know caught you know blasted him and fight the power yeah um yeah let me find the public enemy lyric here which of course i used to know by heart but um elvis was a hero to most but he ate but he never meant shit to me you see straight up racist that sucker was simple and plain mother fuck him and john wayne and uh since then chuck d has come out and explained because elvis really wasn't

racist like on that level it was just the culture the incredibly racist culture that created him you know you're singing Hound Dog, which was already a famous song by a black woman. And, you know, they literally asked for, we need a white guy that sounds black. Right. You know, that was the recipe for him. But he also grew up in a very black area,

singing in church with black people. And I don't think he necessarily saw himself as stealing from them. I think he saw that a lot of artists at that time were doing each other's music. But like you said, then you had Colonel Parker, who was then, he was obviously very racist. Yeah, no, and Elvis was very outspoken and giving credit, you know, and all that. But so Chuck D revisited that and he goes, you know, and he was and he put that in perspective. And he actually was very articulate, though, about his resentment and how it resulted in him calling Elvis a racist. Because it was just the whole, as I said, that context that created him was so racist and that he could be called the king for doing, you know, for taking that music and redoing songs, you know, blacks had done.

But then so when he revisited and he said that a context really needs to be explained regarding Elvis. But I was right about John Wayne. Fuck him. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. So they're going to change the airport name, which I think they should keep it because it's Orange County and along with fuck John Wayne,

fuck, fuck Orange County. Right. Right. I mean, I guess it's changing, which is great, but I hate Orange County. Um, yeah, we got to pull up some quotes from John Wayne for next week. I'm curious. No, no. Oh, I have some. Oh, all right. Oh, yeah. OK. So in. OK, so the interviewer from the he asked him at one point as John Wayne, John, Easy Rider, Midnight Cowboy, that kind of thing. Wouldn't you say that the wonderful love of those two men in Midnight Cowboy, a story about two fags, qualifies? Yeah, that's like, you know, there's so many gay guys that have jerked off to John Wayne over his life. He should know that that that would have haunted him. Oh, and Native Americans are so-called stealing of this country from them was just a matter of survival.

There were great numbers of people who needed new land and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. End quote. Trying to keep their land. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. I never, I was never on board.

I never liked John Wayne. I never got it. The lumbering guy. Fuck that guy. He's lame. Also, I can't believe he's not gay. Like, and you know, who knows? Maybe he was, but I don't think so.

But he never acted on it. I am telling you, maybe I should look it up. Just still photos. Never mind his sauntering. He's a giant queen. He has a neckerchief. He constantly has a neckerchief. And he's like doing his slow amble.

Like he's just a drama queen. And his wrist was always like this. He used to go like this with his wrists. You remember? Oh my God. No, it was, it's unbelievable. Yeah. And so anyway, we should find some pictures because of that. And, uh, and then like to be so outspoken against homosexuality that way. Yeah. And, um, here I can find the quotes. He said some really disturbing things about blacks. And keep in mind, it's after civil rights. It's a 1971 interview. It's three years after MLK was assassinated.

Here we go. But he talked about them not being responsible. Here we go. Sorry for the delay, listeners. Are gay people being responsible. Here we go. Sorry for the delay. Are gay people not responsible? No, blacks. Oh, well, Jesus, that's racist. With a lot of blacks.

No, no, in here. So with a lot, keep in mind, in the 70s. This is not the 50s. With a lot of blacks, there's quite a bit of resentment along with their dissent and possibly rightfully so. So at least he said that. But we can't all of a sudden get down on our knees and turn everything over to the leadership of the blacks. I believe in white supremacy until the blacks are educated to a point of

responsibility. I don't believe in giving authority and positions of leadership and judgment to irresponsible people. Whoa. Yep. Damn. Now they got to get rid. Whoa. Yep. Damn. Now they got to get rid of that airport name. I don't know about that.

Oh, yeah. And then the other quote, which preceded the quote I gave you about Native Americans, quote, I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them, if that's what you're asking. Damn. Yeah. You know there's also and we're not even we're not even talking about little feather was that her name that marlon brando marlon brando won i was it it must have been for the godfather right i mean it couldn't have been on the waterfront and he sent up a native american woman to receive his oscar for him as a you know and and John Wayne had to be physically restrained backstage from going out

there and yanking it out of her hands. That would have been the, first of all, it was the greatest Oscar moment up until that point. It would have taken it to a whole new level to have some racist old guy come out and steal it from a little Indian girl. And years later, Kanye stealing his move by running up and yanking,

yanking the award out of Taylor Swift. Yeah. So yeah, that's John. But listen, this is while we're on this topic, I don't know where you want to go from here, but like it's, you heard about your friends,

the Dixie Chicks. Now, what happened? You haven't heard now. They're just called the chicks now. No shit. Official. It sounds like a bad joke. They are officially, officially dropped Dixie Chicks.

This is like Lady A, Lady Antebellum. They've officially changed their name and it's now just the chicks, which is messing me up because that's what I call Maroon 5. There you go, girl. Yeah. But it's like, of course, I was waiting. Another great joke possibility is, so the Dixie Chicks have formally changed their name

because they want to distance themselves from that very white, you know, Southern pre-war affiliation with Dixie. So their new name is Destiny's Child. Why don't they just call themselves the northern chicks the northern chicks yeah that would have done it oh just what they needed just as things are finally cooling off you know from 20 years ago they're throwing themselves back in it god bless them natalie may god bless them is right natalie maines has been on this show, not this show, but my podcast probably like four or five times.

And she's the fucking coolest. She's, no, they, people don't realize when they were in England and shock and awe was starting. And George Bush Jr., whatever, George Herbert Walker, whatever, what was his name? George. Yeah. What was his dad's middle name herbert walker we're gonna get into this by the way when i break down no country for old men and rapid fire very quick but anyway bush jr uh he was start he went into iraq after 9 11 and uh which is totally related to no country for old men. And she in England said

she was ashamed to be from the same state as he was because she feels this is absolutely wrong and we should not be invading Iraq. Well, that statement absolutely lost them. I mean, untold millions of dollars, but millions of fans and death threats, death threats. They were banned from radio. And, you know, in this news this week, they talked about they still don't get airplay on so many stalwarts of, you know, of Southern music and of country music. Yeah. And they were the number one female band in history up until that point. Really? Yep.

More records than any female band in history. So John Wayne's Airport, Dixie Chicks, of course, everything still continues with Uncle Ben's Rice, Aunt Jemima. There's so many of them now. It's really, every week there's going to be more. Yeah. I'm trying to think if I wrote any down here. But yeah, it's it's pretty crazy. And I'm trying to think if there was any other music ones. But anyway, yeah, it's it's really it's

really happening, man. But again, it's like, hopefully people don't put too much emphasis on this because again, it's like changing. It's like changing the label in an elevator and changing the number 13 to 14. Like, you know, the 13th floor, you know, it's still there, right? You've just changed its name. I think Queen is going to just stay Queen.

I think you might be right. They were ahead of its time with that. People didn't even put that together. All right. Should we get to some, let's get to some entertainment, Mike. What do you got for entertainment? Entertainment. Well, I guess it was Dixie Chicks.

I don't have a, you know, listen, I'm out on vacation. I don't have a lot. I mean, I do have the No Country for Old Men, but you said you didn't see it. I didn't. I apologize. That was the homework assignment this week. And, you know, sometimes you go into a dark, deep place for a week and you don't do a lot of things. How was your week? It was just it's just I'm done.

I'm fucking done with getting up and walking the dogs and making coffee and taking a shower and then sitting there and going, what now? You know, it sounds brutal, Greg. It sounds. You're right. You're right. Now, you're right. I honestly I have nothing to complain about when there's so many people that are struggling so much more. But also, like, I got no fucking income. All my dates are canceled.

And the ones that are going to happen, I'm going to make pennies on the dollar because they can only let 50 people into each show. There's no acting work. There's no writing work and uh and it's fucking stressful but uh but so i brought up to you you didn't know it last week that dl hugley did you ever go check out that clip holy shit i saw that that was crazy by the way he's in a small club and you know he's he's projecting yep and know, that whole thing that scares me of like think of the virus as a fart. If you can smell a fart, which I mean, you can smell a fart can fill an entire like like picture like the comedy cellar. Yeah.

One one person's fart could absolutely fill that room. Yeah. Keith Robinson, especially. No, I think it's. yeah, and D.L. Hugo. I was thinking about D.L. Talk about being in the fucking forefront of the news. He's like an empowered black man. He's got the COVID virus,

and he's a comedian who's in trouble. He just nailed the hat trick for being on the front page this week. Yeah, flew out of John Wayne Airport. Yep. Went to Tennessee. There was some news about some cartoons this week. Oh, right.

There was Central Park. Kristen Bell will not return as the voice of mixed-race Molly when it returns. They said Kristen recognized that the casting of the character is an opportunity to get representation right, to cast a black or mixed-race actress that can resonate with all the nuances and experiences of the character. We profoundly regret that we might have contributed to anyone's feeling of exclusion

or erasure and then the same time big mouth did the same thing jenny slate who voices a mixed race character said uh that she's stopping somebody else's a black person will take over uh she said she originally took the role because the mom is Jewish and white as she is. So the character is half Jewish and she's Jewish. But I guess the black part outweighs that. And so they're going to let a black actress take over the role. Okay. so how far does this go also mike henry you know he's uh he's one of the he did a voice on um fam was i'm trying to think what he did a voice for but anyway there's like five or five or six of them who are white and have resigned and stepped down. It's going to happen at the Simpsons as well.

With Apu. And it's like, okay, so now, so Jenny Slade, was that her quote that she's comfortable playing the other role because the person's white and Jewish? No,

she's saying the character Missy, I believe, um, was half Jewish and half black but I mean like will actors no longer play roles

that they are not like Ben Kingsley played Gandhi would that happen now? right no it wouldn't especially an Englishman. Now, but for a boy, it seems like another level when it's voices, you know, like maybe we should change Siri. Siri. That's that doesn't.

I've never met a white woman named Siri. And the voice is way. That's a Pakistani. My series. Oh, my series. British. No. Really?

Yeah. I actually get surprised when I hear people talk to Siri who's not British. Oh, that's hilarious. I feel like James Bond when she's helping me out. You're such a typical fucking self-hating Irishman that has to have an English person who's superior to you. Or is she my assistant, you dumb bitch? Oh, who knows more than you?

No, I think she, or did I hire her? I mean, Siri should be Pakistani because, uh, you know, that's what the name sounds like.

Uh, Siri, how much is a large slurpee in a slim gym? Right. Oh, geez. That will be dollar. Oh, I thought you were going to say it's like calling india

for customer service like which is a lot of technical issues like why isn't this working did you try unplugging it right i always call that every time i get transferred i always call it the the race to poon jab okay so all right so these these actors doing that so how do you think this is going to play out which is a question i keep asking about everything but like so remember robin williams he would constantly do black voices what about impressionists right like rich little or what's the new example all right jeff Jeff Dunham. So I quickly looked up Jeff Dunham, Jeff Dunham, who I have never, ever seen, but I just copied and I didn't even put him in order. He has characters. One is whole Jose Jalapeno. Yep. I'm not making that up. Yeah. Bubba J.

up yeah bubba jay akhmed the dead terrorist yep so no and the names don't reflect how racist they really are it goes way beyond that so is he done or he doesn't now because his audience doesn't give a fuck you know that that blue collar comedy they they they don't like political correctness and i'm not judging that. That's the kind of comedy they like. They want it to be, I mean, you and I fuck around. We say things that are racially, we're being ironic. And I like to think people get that. But with him, it doesn't seem ironic as much as racist. Totally.

And first of all, unbelievably easy and stupid. There's also that. Yeah, yeah. And not funny. Sorry, that's the first thing. Not funny. And also the top grossing comedian

for a number of years. It's just so sad. Everything's just sad. Here's what's happy. Dennis Quaid, baby, 66 years old, got a new bride, 27. Really? Hey, now.

Wow. He said, you know, the issue of age doesn't really come up. There's just something timeless about us. He said we're both Christians, and right from the start, God has always had a hand in the relationship. And I think that's where the real strength comes from. Yeah. So it could be his granddaughter, right?

I mean, very easily could be his granddaughter. Sure. Yeah. I think it's God. I think it's Jesus. And I think it's the fact that she can crack walnuts with her vagina. And I think that that really strengthens the relationship. I mean, she has to be crunching numbers, right? I mean, how long is this gig? Not that long, right?

No. The problem is that his kids, who are all older than her, might be in line for the money first. So she's got to watch out for them. No, no, that not allowed yeah you know that right sounds like you do i do know that but uh that no that is not allowed like when you do wills and stuff like that you learn rules and you can't leave all your money to your kids and exclude your wife states have have laws against that. Oh. I mean, I guess some states you can. Maybe it's common. Even if you write it in the will, they'll override that? I believe so.

There are states where that is the case. A fact is, it is a law in many states. That's a fact. We can look it up, but I'm sure some lawyer's listening to this going crazy right now, but he has to agree with me that is the case in many states. That's a fact. We can look it up, but I'm sure some lawyers listening to this going crazy right now, but he has to agree with me. That is the case in many states. Yeah. And it's, yeah, it's a, it's a lot of lawsuits and a spell. Oh, by the way, if there's no will, she gets all of it. Yeah. The wife. Yeah. Cause it's a surviving spouse.

Because it's a surviving spouse. I know. My dad died, and I got his golf clubs, and my fucking mom got everything. I mean, look, I was 27 years old. How the fuck am I supposed to make a living? She was an old lady. So, wow. Now, he's kind of crazy right like hasn't he had real episodes of insanity yeah i think he has he has so is his brother beau bridges i think no not wait wait wait what's his brother quaid dennis quaid dennis qu I think, has had some issues also. Has he? I think so. I was confused. Bo

Bridges and Dennis and and who's the Quaid you just said? Well, they are similar where there's like a more sort of traditionally handsome brother. Yeah. And then there's the more sort of overweight, less traditionally leading man brother. Right. Same with James Belushi. Yeah, exactly. It's tough to be the less attractive brother to John Belushi. What was Andy Kimler's line? He goes, James Belushi, who died and made you famous? who died and made you famous.

There's, you know, there's, listen to the viewers, to the listeners, when you're in this business of writing jokes and, and working constantly on shows and doing that, there are certain jokes you hear where you're like, just stop, stop all writing. No, honestly, no one can do that topic better than it was just done yeah and that's an that joke is an example just stop any jokes you would ever do about jim belushi at the time uh listeners probably don't remember there was a sitcom that was kept on the air pathetically long called according to jim that starred jim bel, which was a mystery to everybody. Why? But it was because

ABC part owned the sitcom. So anyway, um, back when you could make jokes about Jim Belushi, it would be pencils down. Someone just literally figured out the, the exact formula for the joke. Six words game over. Yeah. Uh, let's, let's go to, Oh, the only other thing in entertainment, I don't know if this goes under entertainment, ron jeremy did you hear about ron jeremy yeah boy what a who knew he was a pig i shouldn't laugh i don't want to laugh because he sexually assaulted it actually was really surprising when i read the details like it it's chronic, like many, many, many, many, many women. Yeah. And they just keep coming out. And, you know, it's I know Ron Jeremy not extremely well, but pretty well. And he's like the sweetest guy in the world.

But I've always noticed for a guy that gets laid for a living, he hits on every fucking girl I've ever seen him near. for a living. He hits on every fucking girl I've ever seen him near. I know that was weird, especially because, you know, he's he's famous for being well endowed. And like there's a real curiosity factor, like in other words, kind of like the Will Chamberlain thing. Like, I just think he's a magnet to women. Listen, he is looks like a troll who just crawled out from under a bridge. And he smells. Bad body odor. Oh, no, I know about the bad body odor. It was kind of famous. Everyone would like warn you about it and tell you about it. So anyway, but he has, you know, groups of women or used to when people knew who he was.

So you're right. I never thought he would have difficulty, you know, attracting at least some, some, some population of women who were fascinated by, I walked through an airport with him once we like ran into each other and, uh, I've never seen a human being recognized and asked for selfies as much as he was. Right. Totally. Right. And that's what I'm referring to, I guess, because it seems weird to talk about it that way. But he really was a draw. Yeah, he's he's done now. He's going to spend his life in jail. Ah, that's what they're saying. Bad. All right. Let's do some international news. Let's see. There's no country for old men. Oh, wait, we got to do that.

We missed that in entertainment. All right. I can quickly go through. Let's wait till next week because I really want to watch it. Okay, good. All right. We'll do it next week. Oh, yeah.

All right. That's perfect. All right. Good show. I'll see you later. What do you got for international? Boy, I, and I ran, uh, they've been selling babies and, um, apparently a 20 D a 20 day old baby,

a two month old and a three year old were all sold on Instagram. Okay. I have a lot of questions. Uh, what's, what's so wrong about this? Well, look, I mean, babies are, babies are sold every day. The family was paid. Uh, I think it's that, I think it's the profit margin. The families were paid like a thousand dollars for the baby. And then they went and sold them for like $12 dollars and i just think these are used babies what wait these are used babies oh okay that's different so this is an aftermarket baby and you can check user ratings because it's online yeah it's like cars.com okay i, that just seems like that never popped up in my Instagram feed. I've bought erectile dysfunction pills.

I got a discount on a trip to Jamaica, but never got an Iranian baby. Kelly baby book value. What's the Kelly baby book value? It's a city baby. It's a city baby. It's about 20 days old. It was breastfed for a week and a half. Yeah.

So you're going to get a little uptick in IQ, according to the nipple Nazis. But the worst is like if you're the kid, I mean, I don't know what they do in Iran, but they probably return the kid to the family. I mean, I don't know what they do in Iran, but they probably return the kid to the family. And that kid's going to grow up knowing he is the least wanted kid in the family. Yeah. So they were illegally sold or was it legal? Oh, it's illegal. You can't sell a fucking baby.

I guess I'm a little confused. Babies are, you can't, what do you mean? You can't sell a fucking baby. I guess I'm a little confused. Babies are, you can't, what do you mean? You can't sell a baby. Don't adoption agencies, I think they just have elaborate schemes to get around it. You're probably right. I mean, if you think about it, I know two different people who, and you know one of them,

who went to Russia, and they paid a lot of money to an agency. Oh yeah, you do. And to the place. And I don't know that the mothers were paid for the baby though. I think that will be the point where it would be illegal. It's an interesting issue, yeah.

But yeah, Russia, China also. No, you have to pay. We know people and you pay a lot of money and i think it's the placement agency and all of that stuff but um and it doesn't generally work surrogates aren't aren't surrogates compensated yeah yeah so that that's That's paying for a baby. Yeah. Yeah. I would have sold JoJo at one point. She was such a fucking loud baby for not a lot. Sold?

Sold. I'll pay someone to take my kids sometimes. How about that? Here's an extra incentive. No interest and I pay you. I actually pay you. All right. Cash back. Oh.

Let's also go to an international. A Tanzanian subsistence miner hit the jackpot, found a 7.7 BN. I don't know how big that is. Tanzanian, he got three and a third million dollars for the two largest Tanzanite gemstones ever found. They were the size of his forearm. Said he's going to use the money to build a school for his town. That's what you always say when you come into sudden wealth.

Yeah. I mean, how much could you buy in tanzania for three million that school's gonna have fucking water slides massage spa you know if it's the size of his forearm the amount he's spending on the school is like from his elbow to like a half an inch below his elbow that's how much went to building the exact school you're describing state-of-the-art everything right what was he wait there was a very complicated title you gave him. So was he a minor? It said subsistence, which means they were, they're dirt poor. And I forget, I couldn't really extrapolate from the article about why they're allowed to keep it. Because usually in these

mines, they're, you know, somebody owns the mine and you, you, you find it and then you hand it over. But I think this had something to do with the government was allowing subsistence minds there you know somebody owns the mind and you you you find it and then you hand it over but i think this had something to do with the government was allowing subsistence uh people to just go in and fucking exploit it huh keep whatever they found yeah nice well i played lotto yes uh earlier this week it's so fucking stupid you are losing it I mean really on Monday I bought a ticket

I bought $5 worth and then I looked on Wednesday at the numbers that came up not only did I get more than one in a line out of five what do you get? six numbers per line so out of 30 numbers

I only matched three total it's so fucking stupid to play the lotto well they call it taxing the stupid yeah but i've been online behind people and like you know you know a lot of like my grandmother you know played played a lot and stuff and there's something very very i don't know there's something very sad about it, obviously, too. But listen, I sound incredibly judgmental. Like, I'll judge the person in front of me buying lotto tickets, but I'll bet on the Jets. Who's more stupid?

Right. I think you— Like, talk about believing in nothing. I think you're paying for the fantasy. You pay that $5 and then on the drive home, you know that the number is $50 million, and you do the math and you go, well, you lose 25 million for the one time payout. And then you pay taxes. You lose the other half. So I walk away with 12 million. I pay off my house and you start thinking about like, I'd give my sister a million.

I give my mom a million. And I'm not like brings you a certain joy, I think. And when you're dirt poor, you kind of need that fantasy. you a certain joy, I think. And when you're dirt poor, you kind of need that fantasy. I think you're right. You know, there's that famous, it's called the lottery ticket, that famous short story. And the couple, they bought a lottery ticket and they get the numbers. I forget exactly, but the gist of the story is they see the number in the paper and they've won and they start fantasizing like crazy and their fantasies are very different and how they're going to spend the money. And they get into an argument and it's irreparable damage to the marriage. And they're like, fine, then you

take it. You go your way. I take my whatever. Like I know it's, we are done. And this money couldn't have come at a better time. All this misprint in the paper. They didn't win. I think that was the device. But what did happen in the story is they did not win when they thought they had won. And it was vicious. It was like a who's afraid of Virginia Woolf type, like deep, deep cuts that you knew would never, ever heal. Yeah.

Yeah. Have you ever seen people give those joke lotto tickets to somebody, a scratch ticket that wins them a million dollars, and they videotape them going fucking bananas? Oh, my God. That's brilliant. I've never even heard of that. Oh, my God.

They're so good. They're so good because I like anything where you see real human emotion and, you know, whether it's the casting couch or whether it's a fake lotto ticket, I like to see people that are really caught up in something. Yeah. Wow. I've never heard.

That is a sick joke. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it could turn into the lottery ticket short story very easily. Yeah. Fuck y'all. Um, all right, let's do some, uh, let could turn into the lottery ticket short story very easily. Yeah. Fuck y'all. All right, let's do some sports.

Mike Gibbons, what do you got for us in sports? Okay, I have a new, I don't have any sports news, except, you know, they're the NBA season. They're all trying to come, but this is my new theory. Cause did you hear 16, 16 NBA players? I don't, I don't mean to laugh. 16 NBA players have the virus and the NBA is talking about this season. That's going to happen. This is my new theory. It gets a lot easier. If you do it my way, you quarantine like the league, but you then don't have to be that careful. Let them mix,

let them do everything and let them play with the virus and then have a season and see who's the last team standing, like who can perform. And by the way, if you have the virus and you have a fever, you can play, go ahead. You're not going to be at a hundred percent and you're going to play against someone who's a, and now, I mean, you can play. Go ahead. You're not going to be at 100%. And you're going to play against someone who's a... And now, I mean, imagine the betting. You have your brackets and you're like, well, LeBron has it.

But he's kind of pre-symptomatic, but he tested positive. It's a whole new level of betting. I love it. You start tracking who he high-fived and start betting against them. Yeah, that's good. That's like...

Close D, man-to-man D, no zone. If you're a sick team, you've got to bring the other teams down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or maybe if you go the other direction, you go, we don't want anybody to get sick. What about they just play horse for an entire season? They wipe the ball down between shots. Right.

But I can see Tampa Bay. Like Brady. Just like. If anyone comes through that pocket. Like I tested. I tested negative today. If anyone comes through that pocket. I'm going to fucking kill you guys.

Like keep that guy healthy. Right. Or who knows. Maybe he tells the defense that he's got it. And then as they get closer. He just starts healthy. Yeah, right. Or who knows? Maybe he tells the defense that he's got it, and then as they get closer, he just starts coughing. Yeah. He no longer has to take that slide. No one's going to touch him anyway.

Did I hear Randy Moss went to Tampa Bay also? I don't know. Yeah. I think Randy Moss went to Tampa Bay. He said he needed a receiver down there. Well, didn't Negrk go there, I think? Yeah. We should know a lot more, but I just don't know if any of this is going to happen.

Yeah, I mean, from what I read, they're going to try to make it happen. With crowds, by the way. Really? Are you sure that's not last week's news? Because it is changing every day. Mike, this is the Sunday papers. If we're going to start fucking hanging on truth, I'll walk away right now.

Well, at least Brady moved to a safe state. So I think football crowds will be fine down there. Yeah. All right, let's do some business news. Sports, once again again very short for the time being yeah um now uh walmart is uh they they're no longer gonna gonna put up the mississippi state flag they removed it from their 78 stores because the Mississippi State flag has a Confederate logo on it. Boy, when someone reads this news story to the illiterate people of Mississippi, they're going to be ripped shit. They will, however, continue to sell guns to men wearing confederate flag tattoos on their necks

oh yeah they will oh yeah they will they also mississippi i think is last right aren't they because i know california i can be elitist and very uh and sound awful on this podcast. Meanwhile, in California, I remember, I think in literacy or the ratings of schools went down to 49 only ahead of Mississippi, I believe, at one point. That's right. Walmart is also getting heat because they sell T-shirts that say Black Lives Matter, but they also have T-shirts that say All Lives Matter,

Blue Lives Matter, Irish Lives Matter. Oh, yeah, that's aisle 17 right by the tiki torches. Just right over there. Take a left at the ropes, and then you'll see the tiki torches. You know, look, they're just trying to fucking make money. That's all. What are we expecting from Walmart?

You know what? They should have a T-shirt that says all shareholders lives matter. That's all they fucking care about. Yeah. All greeters matter. Yeah. They have so many problems, Walmart. Oh, my God.

There's another company that's jumping in. Oh, no, this is about Facebook. Coca-Cola suspended advertising on social media for 30 days, along with Ben & Jerry's, Verizon. and transparency about posts that are put up that have racist connotations or misinformation about race. Meanwhile, Facebook is like, no problem, because the gigantic influx of ads selling babies on our Instagram platform is more than compensating for your Coca-Cola dollars. Huge markup. And the best part is, when you adopt the baby on Facebook, you already know who his friends are. You can set up play dates.

Yeah, it's already in. It's already built in. So Facebook shares fell by 8% on Friday, and that knocked Zuckerberg out of being the most wealthy man in the world. He's now behind Louis Vuitton or the guy Bernard Arnault who owns Louis Vuitton. Louis Vuitton is that big? Yeah. I mean, I know it's a gigantic brand, but on the level of Facebook?

Oh, wait, they're the third richest. Zuckerberg was the third richest. And yeah, this guy, Bernard Arnault. I think Louis Vuitton bought a ton of other labels. So wait, wait, wait, hold on. This is the list of richest what? Richest people in the world. But the Mexican guy's richer than, isn't he richer than anyone in America? The Mexican telecom? I should know his name. He must be one. And then I think, isn't there a than anyone in America? The Mexican telecom? I should know his name. He must be one.

And then I think, isn't there a guy in Saudi Arabia who's like number two? Or maybe a Russian. But no, Zuckerberg was three. Sam Walton, Walmart, was so rich when his, like, I forget children let's say he had five they all five were in the top 10 wow when he gave his money to them yeah i thought he gave it all away bezos right he was trying to bezos also because of his divorce i guess he got knocked down pretty far yeah okay god forbid these people just donate the fucking money. It's crazy. They all want to be on the list. They'd rather be on a list and like help some people out. the right and the Republicans nicknamed the death tax. Yeah. Really should be higher. Like,

why why are your kids getting a free ride? That's a class system. That's a that's a shortcut to become like England and India, where it's like, oh, you're born rich. Good for you. You're set. Like, in other words, no, it was written into the Constitution. There was supposed to be a high death tax. There was supposed to be a tax because, look, if it's here's what I love about rich people. They truly believe that they are better, that their DNA is better. And it's like, OK, so if it is, why do your kids need to start with an advantage? Shouldn't they naturally just win? I mean, it's not like you're not going to have enough money to still pay for private high school, the best university, buy them a starter house. But beyond that, shouldn't they be able to take the world by storm if they're so special? And keep, wait, hold on. And also let's put things in perspective here.

You're some rich dude or whatever, and your father is probably rich, but now your kids, okay, so you're all fucking screaming about this inheritance tax. Aren't you able to, without question, give the kid $5 million before you die? No, that's actually the estate tax doesn't kick in until the estate is over $5 million anyway. Right. Might even be higher. Never mind all of the private schools you said. You can buy them homes you can

give all their your children's children giant trust funds and funds and set up the five there's a gazillion ways and you're still going to complain about this inheritance tax yeah it's crazy i know it is it's like if you want a meritocracy fund the the schools. Whatever. We sound like a bunch of fucking... Also, you're a super rich guy, and you're at the end of your life. You now are incentivized to spend it. Yeah, right. You can't take it with you. Yeah. And at least other people benefit.

Throw parties. Obviously, you know, set up your kid's education if you want. But hopefully, it'll go towards charitable things as well. Yeah. And there'll be a lot of young ladies that are getting little fucking apartments in Manhattan, a couple Ferraris. Spread that shit around. That's why I love the guy.

And Nicole Smith. Remember that she was with that guy? Oh. And then he died and he left everything to her and his son. That guy was worth like $100 million or something. Tons. And his kids were older than she was. Yeah, and they were suing the shit out of her.

And I think she kind of won, but it also destroyed her life. Yeah, no, no, it definitely did. Yeah. But, yeah, no. Well, Randy Quaid's figured it. He doesn't think there's a death tax or something's going on there because he's spreading it around. In science, let's do a little science. Yes, let's.

We're ripping through them today because Mike's on vacation. We're not going to do our usual hour and 45-minute show. I think that's too long anyway, but go ahead. In science. By the way, great support, everyone. Again, they're listening to the hour 45, which I can't believe. So nice. Like you forwarded me some of the listener mail.

I guess we'll talk about it at the end. But yeah, nice little interruption here giving a shout out. Now it's been building that. Thank you for telling your friends. The show's been building every week and we can see the numbers and we can also see people actually listen to the end um and my other podcast sometimes i'll have a guest on and i'll see it just halfway through it just fucking drops off if it's not a great interview it just drops off but with our show people stay solid right to the end wow yeah all right i gotta focus more at the end okay all right science uh this guy in there's a montana montana ranch where they found a t-rex and a triceratops skull and a pair

of dinosaurs that appeared to have been locked in a battle when they died t-rex was sold for millions of dollars and then uh they're trying to sell the other two for six million uh on facebook it's going to auction on facebook and uh and i mean that's a that's amazing i like i never thought about that that if you had fossils in your yard like you get the money like like the like you don't just it's not just, like, part of the human experience that those bones go to a museum. Like, someone gets fucking paid. I never thought about that either, yeah. I mean, they found a lot of, there's a lot of dinosaurs in Hollywood, like the La Brea Tar Pits.

Also, if, like, you go to the Ivy Restaurant in Beverly Hills, you can see Betty White having lunch with Carl Reiner. There's a lot of dinosaurs in there. Wait, I got to look this up. Speaking of that, it's kind of related. Did you read about that hidden treasure guy? No. A guy 10 years ago buried a gold and wrote a poem with clues in it. I'm looking up the story right now. Hidden treasure chest filled with gold and gems is found in the Rocky Mountains. After sitting undisturbed for more than 10 years, a treasure chest holding gold nuggets and precious gems has been found in the Rocky Mountains. The box was hidden by millionaire art dealer Forrest Fenn. His only clues included a map and a poem.

Well, that seems like a lot of clues, especially the map part. But after countless quests, the search is over. The treasure has been found, Fenn wrote in a statement to a blog run by blah, blah, blah. It was under a canopy of stars in the lush forested vegetation of the Rocky Mountains and had not moved from the spot where I hit it more than 10 years ago. So he did it just for kicks. That's awesome. I fucking love that.

And tons of people were looking for it. That's amazing. Did it say how much it was worth? Let's see. The successful seeker has not come forward. The guy who found it does not want his name mentioned. He's from back East, Fenn told the New Mexican in Santa Fe.

The find was confirmed by a photograph he added. Let's see if we find how much it was worth. He's not going to, he doesn't want to admit he got it, but all of a sudden he's got a new Iranian baby. People are talking. He can buy that T-Rex because it's worth as much as $2 million. In the process of looking for the trove that was said to be worth as much,

at least four people died. No way. Which is not what he wanted. I know that. He spoke out about that. Obviously, he didn't want it, but he was very concerned about it how did they die um i think they went to places like he had to tell people it is not on like a treacherous it's it's it's on a flat it's in a flat area because people were they thought he might have found a really

dangerous place kind of like it would be in indiana jones yeah like it's it's guarded by snakes like on very shaky soil or whatever it is it better have been worth a lot of money because that's like sometimes i watch a tiktok video and the worst are the ones where they go uh wait till the end and then you wait to the end and nothing fucking happens. And you want to find the person that posted that and rip their fucking neck out. Yeah. Let's see. He thinks 250,000 people had looked for it,

but he noted the accidents that have occurred. He goes, he regrets those. He goes, the search is supposed to be fun. He did it when he was 80, the guy who buried it. And now he's 90 and um

and he goes and during it in 2016 he said if i die tomorrow the knowledge of that location goes in the coffin with me wow hardcore he's very psyched someone found it i love it all right mike you want to do a quick ask amy let's do Ask Amy. Go to that section, please. Okay. Dear Amy, I met a wonderful guy online. He said his wife had recently left him. She moved out, and he kept the house. He was sad and angry about the breakup.

After corresponding for several weeks and my visiting him, left him. She moved out and he kept the house. He was sad and angry about the breakup. After corresponding for several weeks and my visiting him, I made the decision to move in with him, even though I live 1300 miles away. This was to be a trial relationship. However, as time is going on, I see that he is still very much in contact with his wife. Recently, he told me that they will not be going forward with the divorce, but are looking to go to go into counseling. He said that because I'd moved so far to be with him that I am welcome to stay in a guest room for now. He is giving me no guarantees about what will happen. Do I stay or do I go? If he decides to stay with her, of course, there's nothing I can do.

But if he changes his mind, I would still like to be available because he's a great guy and delightful company. Signed, third wheel, question mark. How is there a question mark after third wheel? Are you insane? That is the kind of woman every guy wants to meet. Just put on some sweats and sit on the bench. I'll let you know if you're going in the game or not. Also, Amy, I don't want to stay in his guest room because there's three other women in there. I think this might be a problem for him. Okay. You want to know what I left out? I left out two details in the first two sentences.

This is how it originally read, but I thought save it because it's shocking. Dear Amy. And I said, I began with, I met a wonderful guy online. Dear Amy, I am a retired woman in my seventies. Oh shit. I met a wonderful guy online. And this is the other line I left out. He said his wife of 20 years had recently left him.

And then everything else I read was exactly as written. But that even makes it crazy. Yeah. Because when you're in your 70s, I just picture like sedentary. You got your pillbox. It's next to your bed. You got your ointment that you rub on here before bed. You're not like living in a dude's

fucking guest house wondering if his wife is coming back. Oh, are you kidding me? Your routines, your doctors, I mean, no. You're 70 and it's like, hey, get in the guest house. It's not a house. It's a guest room.

Right. All of a sudden, you're like one of the Manson girls. And the question, am I a third wheel? Where have you been for 70 years? Have you learned nothing on planet Earth? Let me tell you something. My mom is in her 70s, and there are no fucking men. Men die younger, and it leaves this situation.

Like, she's down in Florida. Any guy she meets who's her age is dating 15, 20 years younger than him. Guys in their late 70s, they're dating 60-year-old women. Yeah. Randy. Randy Quaid. That's right. By the way, also, third wheel.

Does she know what that term means? A third wheel is still part of the vehicle. Like a third wheel would be in the master bedroom with the wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not even, you're like third wheel adjacent. She's the wheel that like, you know, and you see in a TikTok video, someone's driving down the street, but then somebody else's tire falls off and spins towards your car and hits

your car. Right. It jumps the lane and is now in oncoming traffic. Every car is swerving to avoid this disaster. It has no idea where it's going. And it eventually ends up just laying in a ditch. And writing, Dear Amy, I'm in a ditch and writing dear amy i'm in a ditch what am i is this good how's my station in life there's a family of raccoons living underneath me is this where

i'm meant to be right now it's it was the craziest thing but But I thought I wish I had that detail of the 70s till the end. So I saved it to the end. But yeah. Oh, God. And then this is who she goes to for advice. Oh, my God. All right, Mike. We've worked hard.

We've gotten through so many sections of the paper. And we reward our listeners at the end because our favorite part. Oh, no. Let's read a couple of listener emails real quick. Okay. This one comes from Joanne. I seem to have a crush on these guys. Oh, this seems familiar.

Jennifer Kraut then said, I love your shows. So happy to hear Mike Gibbons every week. You guys are great together. Your long-term friendship is apparent and enjoyable. I hate to nitpick, but I wanted to point out that women do not urinate from the vagina. Women also have a urethra and it is not located in the vagina. Okay. First of all, she's talking right out of her vagina. I went back and I listened because I read that letter. her vagina. I went back and I listened because I read that letter. I never said they pee out of their vagina. I said they have an incredibly faulted urination system. You had mentioned

they pee out of their vagina, but as long as we have to go here, let's tell this woman, the urethra is below the clitoris. So it's, if you, if there are no flaps around your urethra, then you might want to see a doctor or get a mirror and check it out again for yourself. I was just talking about this crazy flap system that screws up your pee where you have to use all of the country's toilet paper during this pandemic because you have to wipe up your disaster scene down there after you urinate, unlike men. Right. When women urinate, it's like when you go to the dentist and you have Novocaine in your lips. And when you try to spit out the water, it just drools and falls all over the place. You lean over, you try to get it above that little sink and it's like and just falls out of you yeah that's exactly it how about girls hover

they hover above a toilet seat i don't know three two inches three inches the whole seat's covered like do you know how hard that is to do that's like they that's as if they peed on a plate first and it went out the sides. I don't even know how it's physically possible to spray that wide and far. I mean, look, Jennifer, I don't want to get into a pissing contest, but if we did, I would win. Nitpicking? What is she talking about? Maybe she, maybe, I don't know, maybe her urethra hangs out of her vagina.

Yes, sure, it's not in your cavity. How many kids do you have, Jennifer? Out of her vagina. Yes, sure. It's not in your cavity. How many kids do you have, Jennifer? This comes from Jamie Charist. What do you think about all the protesters and rioters that have let go of social distancing? If there are no massive outbreaks caused due to these large group gatherings, it might be good indication that the virus has calmed down.

Do you think doctors and scientists are watching all this like a science experiment? This letter might as well be from the 1950s at this point. Yeah, I know. Because we're already seeing what's going on. Yeah. This is from Daniel Cholden. Greg, I agree with that listener. I also would sign up for an arts podcast. People suggested maybe we do a separate podcast just about the arts.

Those parts are great. Are you guys doing a Patreon account? And Mike, that's something we literally have never discussed is monetizing the podcast. What do you want to do? I haven't earned a single dollar in 2020 and I think you're very close to that as well. Yeah. I don't know. I'd like it to be a fair system. I'm new to podcasts and in thinking about how they work. But what if there was a, hey, if you liked these four um pay a dollar a month but if you didn't uh we'll pay you

back that's good i like that if we didn't make you laugh at least four times in this month uh we'll give you your dollar back i like that we're the only podcast you earn money listening to yeah and i always felt ony, you should lose money. And let's see how big your, let's see how big your double Jeopardy, you know, wagers are. That's why I like that. Win Ben Stein's money was fucking great. He was. Yeah, he was playing with.

No, I think maybe we'll do. Yeah. Maybe we'll do a suggested donation because we do have a producer and somebody who helps with social media. We got costs. We got a web website hosting fee. We have the podcast itself goes on a server that has to be paid for. So look for that. We're going to talk about that after the podcast.

And then in the next couple of weeks, we're going to be looking for you guys to support the podcast a little bit. It's free for now. Enjoy it. Please spread the word. Whatever we wind up with, it would not be much, and you might even make money. That's right. Meanwhile, I had a thought.

Well, we kind of do this, but it's almost like we should just pick products we like and do free ads for them. Why not? We do that with movies and TV shows. They pay to advertise. I think a lot of the comic strips would probably pay. We talk about them a lot. Family Circus would pay me to tear them apart because they're that stupid. Yeah. How about that? Except they would write you a check, but they wouldn't sign it. That's the equivalent of their comic strips. Well, any listeners of this podcast are reading more Family Circus than they were probably.

And Blondie, oh my God. Right. All right, let's get to it. We talked about it. Let's do them. It's the Sunday funnies. Okay. You're going to love this one.

What do you got? Our old friend Andy Kapp. Boy, oh boy. What do you got? Our old friend Andy Kapp. Boy, oh boy. What a husband this guy is. What a human. He's standing at the front door. The door is open. And the guy walks in.

His friend. His friend looks a little drunk. He's got his hand in his pocket. Andy Kapp is standing at the door, toothpick dangling. His fist is clenched. and his wife is laying on the ground with that swirl over her head like she's just been beaten. And she has a black eye, and she looks up,

and Andy's friend said, Hi, Andy. I was just passing by, so I thought I'd drop in. Don't get up there, Flurry. I thought I'd drop in. Don't get up there, Flurry. I don't know how many weeks I can pretend to be exasperated at wife-beating in the handicap household. I mean, can you imagine if this was fucking fucking newspapers? So wait, I spaced in the beginning.

Wait, I spaced in the beginning because I thought maybe my earpiece was bleeding through my microphone. So I actually did not hear. Are they outside or inside? No, they're inside the house. The door is open. The guy's walking into Andy's house.

Wife has just been beaten horrifically. Black eye. And this guy's smiling. Oh, phew, I thought you said black guy. Black eye. I'm kidding. And Andy's smiling too. Passing by, so I thought I'd drop it.

Don't get up, Flurry. It's one thing to beat your wife, but the balls to beat your wife right before company comes over. Yeah. Like, that's rare. That's a rare move. Yeah. Usually wives are beaten after company leaves.

Yeah, after they've served the food and cleaned up. And gotten your buzz on, of course. Oh, my God. After a Super Bowl party, that's the most common time. Is that true? Oh, yeah. Spousal abuse by whatever metric they use, which might have been calls to 911. Sunday night after the Super Bowl was the spike. Wow.

And if the Jets were playing, forget about it. Well, that's why the Jets had their hands kind of clean. They were really never part of that except once. 1958? No, 19... 69? Yeah, 69, I think. Broadway Joe. Yep. no 19 uh 69 yeah 69 i think broadway joe yep hager the horrible another guy who is just such a good husband solid guy i mean look he's a viking but even by viking standards this guy is a

fucking tough husband first frame hager sitting on chair. His mother is sitting next to him. And Helga, the wife, is standing up. Helga says, Hagar, or Hagar, what are they saying? Yeah, Hagar. Hagar. Hagar, after all these years, mother is still disappointed you married me. And then Hagar says, could I help it if she was already married? Oh, OK.

In other words, he's talking to his mom. So in other words, Helga was married when he met her, but she was abducted and forced to marry him. Got it. That's my reading of it. It didn't say that the mother was already married? No, because the mother turns and looks at him as he's saying this. So he's addressing the mother in the second frame. He's saying to the mother, hey, could I help it if she was already married?

Like that's what the mother holds against helga oh i got it sorry it's like hey can i help it if i kidnapped her before raping her well you don't know the order of that right i imagine the rape was first you're not to kidnap a bad rape victim and marry her. Oh, God. She has to be, you know, she has to provide, you know, you have needs as a rapist. Jesus Christ. Okay, so this is the cleanest hagger we've ever read, I think. Yeah, yeah. All right, here's a guy we don't bring up that much but is it just as much of a pig as these other guys is the uh the general on beetle bailey

you read beetle bailey right yeah yeah yeah okay so the general is sitting at his desk when i make this speech must remember to say well uh not to say well so much makes me sound stupid then all of a sudden there's uh there's two females i don't know if you remember this about beetle bailey one is this sort of like strong feminist kind of a soldier and the other one is mrs bixley who is smoking hot voluptuous curvy big lips giant eyelashes and so they walk into his office and uh the the uh feminist one goes general while i'm on leave miss miss buxley here will take over for me and then general goes well well well well well well and then and then uh they walk into his office another time. Oh, that's one. I got three of them.

They walk in another time, and she goes, We've been keeping score, sir. For a whole month, you haven't made a sexist remark. The general leans forward with his arms open towards them. Well, that deserves a big hug and a kiss. And they rip up the results. His score. Seems boring after Andy Kapp and the Vikings. Yeah, all right. Seems boring after Andy cap and the Vikings.

Yeah. All right, let's get to blonde. Oh no, let's get to, let's get to family circus. So I'm out here. I don't have the newspaper.

So I Googled literally family circus best. The first result came up. It's a little kid holding a phone in his hand and he's turned to the father who's in the other uh in the living room with like his tv dinner on his lap daddy this man wants to know if you are home yet are you Are you? I don't even like. First of all, you don't need are you if you if you want to do your dumb joke that which I whatever, which has been done a gazillion times and also people do it in real life and it's a kid. But daddy, this man wants to know if you're home yet question mark yeah just end it there right right you don't know are you yeah and it's and it's another one of those things where it's like the the the kids are always uh unknowingly being cute

but at the same time a fucking pain in the ass but even like okay let's say you're an you have zero sense of humor and let's say you're just shitting these out. Wouldn't you just pause and be like, huh? I wonder if there's any way to make it a little less obvious or like a little more evolved. Like, why not have the kid into the phone? Like, sorry, my daddy says he's not home right now. Well, that's that's added a little bit of a layer. Yeah. Yeah. There was like, no, you're not going to do that because you're I guess you're shitting

out 700 of these a day. Right. He probably I mean, does he do a year of comics in a weekend? Yeah. And then take the rest of the fucking year off. Daddy, are you home? sorry sir he seems to be writing this week's comic strip he wrote it the second i started talking and now he's done it's mind-numbing i really we keep saying it are we gonna look into writing these newspapers and being like good listen we we can do this. We should.

Yeah, we should do that. Let's come up with a comic strip ourselves and just start submitting it. Like, I don't know. People like animals. Can't we just put stupid jokes in animals' faces? Or I don't know. Let me study the comics and look at what they are. I think the making animals talk thing has kind of been covered.

No, and this hasn't been covered? Human conversations that have happened a gazillion fucking times before? Here she is. It's Blondie and Dagwood, the couple you love to hate. They're in bed, which I always love. Blondie, they do a lot of scenes in the bedroom, and I at least respect that because let's not kid ourselves. The guy that writes Blondie, what the fuck is his name,

whatever it is, he knows that there are a lot of guys like me that are jerking off to Blondie, and he gives you fodder. He puts them in bed. I don't think he knows that. I'm telling you, Mike, I'm not the only guy, and if I was the only guy, there's more guys doing it now because of this fucking podcast. She is such a goddamn hottie and she's timeless. This thing was written in the 50s.

And she just, she's in bed and she's got a, the sheet is just under her bosom. And it's just a, it's a spaghetti strap negligee. And Dagwood's reading a book. She says, I'd like to read that book when you're finished. Dagwood says, I'm afraid it's a little too racy for you. And she says, Dagwood, I'm your wife, the mother of two teenagers. Dagwood says, yes, I know, but that's still still not enough that's how racy this is wait are you finished that was yeah yeah

no and what I love is that Blondie is putting it out there like we may be in a comic strip this might be Sunday there may be kids reading I fucked you enough to have two daughters. I'm dirty. She's saying I'm dirty.

I know my urethra is in my pussy. That's right. Okay. That's how self-aware I am. That underserved organ of mine. You're going to talk to Racy about me? Can you imagine? He doesn't even fuck her right that's that's why he's afraid

to give her a book with a couple dirty passages in it because he's never taken that Ferrari he's never opened it up on the highway well that's the old school thing you know it's like the um the queen and the kid whatever the fuck it is in the kitchen and a slut in the bed, whatever, a whore in the bedroom. Yeah. But that's like, you know, a very Catholic, old school Catholic guys, whether it was Italian or Irish, they did not want to think of their wife that way. Now, what do they call it? The Madonna complex? Yeah. They, yeah.

Especially after kids, they needed a side piece that they could do their real sexual urges with. After kids, they needed a side piece that they could do their real sexual urges with. But I get the sense that Dag would never, he never slung Dick in any way. And she's going to go to her coffin, not having been fucked, with a kind of a body that needs to be really challenged and brought to its full potential. And instead, she'll just slide into a pine coffin and put into the ground, unsatisfied. With the boob impressions sticking on the top of the coffin. Two boobs because they can't have a closed casket.

Yeah, while Dagwood eats a giant fucking sandwich like a piece of shit. Because he's going to outlive her, of course. She's going to get cancer. This is going to be the saddest ending, the biggest waste ever. Yeah. She's skinny, sitting on a stool, emaciated.

He's eating a sandwich, taking a fucking nap on the couch. All right, Mike, listen. Let's get you back. We did an hour and a half. We tried to do an hour. We can't. It's not possible. I don't even know where the hour went an hour and a half we tried to do an hour we can't it's not

possible i don't even know where the hour went uh hour and a half so oh mike enjoy the rest of your vacation uh give my love to your family wish i was there temperature's going down tomorrow i'm very happy tomorrow it's a high of only 100 oh by, by the way, an update on the temperature since the beginning of the podcast. 108. Wait, and it says, read what it says at the top. Unhealthy air quality for sensitive groups. Well, isn't everyone a sensitive group? We're tearing down Teddy Roosevelt statues.

All right. Also, don't forget, check out Fitz Dog Radio. It comes out on Tuesdays. And then my podcast with Alison Rosen, which is called Childish, comes out on Wednesdays. If you want to get yourself a Patreon,

buy somebody a message from me on Patreon. And don't forget the Fitz Dog or the Grapefruit Simmons T-shirts on the website. Mike, anything you want to plug? You should pay me to put these ads on the podcast. What do you want to plug? Oh, you know, I got the DVD. I told you of Deconstructing Harry.

Oh, yeah. Woody Allen. Right. Woody Allen. So there's nowhere to get. So I haven't watched that this week. But I guess I'm going to double down on No Country. So I watched no country for old men with my daughters and they were riveted. It's, and there's, you know, someone actually wrote us also and said,

can you believe they achieve that tension with basically no music? So if you watch it this week, be aware there is no score it's all just natural sound it's it's anyway it's an amazing movie all right so we'll catch you all next week you will all have watched no country for old men that's your homework assignment and we'll catch you next week don't forget to tell your friends to uh don't miss all the news you missed. Oh my God. Our sign-offs get worse and worse. All right. We should alternate.

I'll have a sign-off next week. It'll be hard to top that one. Okay. All right. See you later. Bye-bye. Yeah, what you gonna do for the Sunday papers? What you gonna do for the Sunday papers? Whatcha gonna do for the Sunday papers?