Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 174 7/23/23

Episode Date: July 23, 2023

This week, Bernie Taupin takes a beating, as does an old man in a FLA theatre. Also, Hunter Biden porn, and Lana Del Rey waits tables at a Waffle House.

The Sunday Papers. Something happens to Greg and Mike, tell you later. The Sunday Papers. Scream and shout and read all about it. Go ahead. Two, three. I think I got you. Three. Oh, I had a perfect clap. Three, two, one. Read all about it. Read all about it. Extra, extra. Coming from Uncle Vinny's on the Jersey Shore and some hotel in Southern California. We come to you to bring you all the news. Yes.

Royal and otherwise. Hello, listeners. Wow. Happy summer. Happy summer. We're mid. Wow. Happy summer. Happy summer. We're mid-summer right now. July 23rd. But in Southern California, summer just started.

Yes. Literally. I know that sounds weird. We've been watching the rest of the poor country bake, and it has been no exaggeration in the 60s, high of like 68, 69, all of June, half of July. And now we're finally in the 70s. High 70s.

It's going to be high 70s all week. Literally, I went to the beach for the first time last Sunday all summer. But I'm on the Jersey Shore. Maybe you can see my summer wear. I'm at Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant. And this is their T-shirt, which says Uncle Vinny's. And then down here it says Smash. And then can you read what the T-shirt says?

I had a smashing good time. And what happened was there was a pretty famous video. I don't know if you guys followed this about, God, it must have been a year ago. And there was a female comic on stage and i can't remember what she said uh i think she said she was jewish and so someone yelled out so you probably voted for for biden or some exchange like that so anyway uh then her husband throws a throw she said yes she did husband throws a beer can at her and it hits the wall behind the stage. And then the guy goes running out the door.

Hope it wasn't a Bud Light. So no, it was not a Bud Light. So, but it's a great fucking club. It's been here for like 20 years. We had a show here last night. It's just Irish and Italians who look like they've been baked in the sun for 30 years.

Just lizard skin. What was your joke about being in the sun and being Irish? It's like putting a fork in the microwave. Just sparks and a lot of pain. But good people. Definitely skews conservative. And working with Pat House is a great comic, and you can see the backdrop of the club.

It's a headshot club. My headshot is right over my shoulder, even though the last time I was here was like, apparently like 18 years ago. So they're just giving you the room right now. Giving me the room in the middle of the day. Yeah. Dino is the club owner.

He came in and let me in, which was very kind of him. And he's a character. He's a good man. He and Kevin Brennan had a beef years ago. He told me a great story about Brennan showing up and just being a complete pain in the ass. Oh, no. He's the worst.

He's crazy. You know, we love him, but he's annoying. We're talking about Kevin. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, he moved to New Jersey, and I remember when he moved, things were never going well in his life, especially according to him. Yeah.

But he was the most know he's the most He's the unhappiest man in showbiz And everybody Even huge stars in LA Who remember him You know like Seinfeld Like they love Everyone describes him the same way

But he goes I'm quitting this fucking business Which he says all the time He's like I'm quitting He's like I fucking I'm living in Jersey now You know I'm just gonna go in And apply to Wawa

And so Wawa is New Jersey's like 7-Elevens, right? Yeah. And he goes, and I'll tell you this, I'm going to be the only applicant to Wawa with, and my references are going to be Chris Rock and Seinfeld. That's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. that's hilarious yeah yeah well uh and then i spent i flew in a day early and i played it played some golf with our buddy dan brickner from college you sent me that photo how did you guys do well i

mean look first of all i show up at his house and he lives in this fancy little town in the suburbs of philly and he's got this beautiful house and we walk in, he's got technically not in Philly. I want to point that out. No, outside of Philly. Right. Friend of mine. Yes. He's like, you want to go for a walk? And I, and I just flew across the country. So I was like, yeah, I'd like to stretch my legs. So we go out this kid, he's wearing flip flops and we walked three and a half miles. Even his dogs were looking at us like, hey, what the fuck is going on here? And I think he's, I don't know if he's having a midlife crisis or whatever. Three and a half.

Who's not? Hour and a half long walk. We get home. It's raining, which he doesn't even mention. I guess he just used to walk in the rain. And then we come back into his house, which is a meat locker. The AC is at like 58. I'm soaked. And we're sitting in the living room. And he puts his Uggs on. He goes from his flip flops to his U, which is a meat locker. The AC is at like 58. I'm soaked.

And we're sitting in the living room. And he puts his Uggs on. He goes from his flip flops to his Uggs. He puts his Uggs on. And I'm sitting there going like, is this guy going to go, hey, you want a towel? Maybe you want to run upstairs and put on a dry shirt? And it's like he's going through menopause or something. You know, some guys get to a certain age and they just have to air condition the shit out of themselves and uh i think i got a cold i think i got a cold from it

i think maybe he's yeah he's one of the maybe that's how he can feel now it's like it's like a middle-aged man's version of cutting right he just walks his dogs in the rain listening to morrissey and then gets home and tries to die of hypothermia. Yeah. With only scotch to warm him up. And then I'm getting ready to go to bed, and they're like, yeah, you're going to sleep upstairs in Henry's room. You're not allergic to cats, are you? And I'm like, yeah, I'm very allergic to cats. And they both just look at each other.

I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. So not only is the cat. Then I hope you're not allergic to good-looking teenage boys. I doubled up with Henry. Spoon-a-thon. No, but we had a great time. We played some Gov, hung out with his lovely wife, Carolyn, who I fucking love.

Yep. And, yeah, we had a blast. That's very cool. Now we're here. Yeah. We should mention, by the way, our buddy Kit Boss, who is a big writer. He's been a showrunner on shows for years, sitcoms. And he came up with this idea to raise money for writers that are out of work.

I think they're actually raising money for people that are like below the line workers. That's what I heard. Kind of the lower paid people on the production end of TV and film. And so they're raising money for them through an auction that's called the WGA Raj Sale or the W Garage Sale. I don't know. It's a horrible title. He's a better writer than that. He's a better writer. It's not his best

writing. And so one of the items they're auctioning off is Golf With Me. So it's Fitzsimmons, Fitzgibbons, Gibbons, and Gubbins. That's the foursome. You're the fifth because they play five songs. This is below a garage sale. This is a WGA yard sale. WG yard

sale. This is shit you find in the alley. Yeah alley Free in the alley sale In standing fetid water Right next to it And a cat with no hair Is the golf round with the four of us At Pan Mar And Brickner smoking a cigarette in the alley

Freezing Oh by the way yeah he's smoking cigarettes now Oh I guessed that is he Yeah yeah he's smoking cigarettes But we can't tell anyone No he's smoking we can't tell anyone no he's he's not hiding it oh all right um so you get an all expense paid trip uh trip round of golf and lunch we're throwing in lunch we're gonna throw in some uh swag i'm not sure what but it'll be a

combination of swag from the podcasts and a pen mar something. Maybe we'll get them a pen mar, whatever they want. They can either have a T-shirt or a hat. We'll throw that in the mix. Something old, something new, something maroon. And it's the starting bid. Ready for this? It's $100.

How insulting is that? There's stuff starting bid. Ready for this? It's $100. How insulting is that? There's stuff on there. Michael Connelly's item, whatever, who the fuck that is, is eight grand. What? Who's Michael Connelly? Well, keep in mind, it costs money to play golf, so you got to take that out of the $100. You know what I mean? Oh, that's $23 right there.

Lunch would be another $20. I mean, how much are we really making here? A T-shirt is $15. $20. Probably $20. Can I just give a T-shirt I don't wear that much anymore? That'll be mine. You'll give your grapefruit Simmons?

No, I think that's going to be the joke is we are both going to bring so much swag. And I'm going to tell Fitzy and Gubbins, too, to just bring as much swag. We're going to fill a hefty bag with various swag. I'm going to get some pens and pads from this hotel. I've got a mouse pad from Lucky Louie. Yeah. Yeah, whatever swag we got, we're going to put it all in a bag for you so if you want to participate you go to wga r-a-g-e uh sale dot ggo dot bid forward slash bidding package forward slash package forwards just go to our

this is how i read it wga rage that's how he spelled it. It'll be on the website. So go to FitzDawg.com and click on the link, and you can bid this thing up. It's a great charity, and we'll have a lot of fun. So what is this? Maybe I can buy it so I can cancel it. Huh. So wait, what are you up to? Where are you and what are you doing? I'm down in Palos Verdes, which I've never been to. It's a very, very white area. Uh,

so there's the Santa Monica Bay right in Santa Monica and Venice and, uh, and the beginning of Malibu is right in the middle of it. And then the northern tip is, what is it called? Point Dume? Yeah. In Malibu. And then the southern tip is Palos Verdes. Oh, right. Isn't there like cliffs and like a great overlook from there? Exactly.

And my dad reminded me. We're here because my dad came out. And we were going to do a trip. But like everyone has jobs and responsibilities. So we picked someplace local. And with all the cousins and my daughters, and so we're all here, and Laura and George, my sister and brother-in-law.

And, you know, the Falcon and the Snowman, I think, was based here. And the Snowman referred to, I guess, the cocaine guy, but the Falconer was in it. And I guess there are falcons on these bluffs. Oh, right, right. But anyway, another cool thing is this is where they do the official count of the gray whale migration. There's a public point and it's volunteers and they do it every year. And I guess it's, they, they're pretty accurate, I guess, comparing what they see year to year. And so it's actually useful data, um, in,

in the migration numbers. That's so cool. Yeah. And it's very cool. And I was telling you before we pressed record, it's, there's a lot of weather here. The most popular phrase is, this will burn off. Yeah. And, you know, we live 15, 20 miles from here. Less, I think, than 20. And it's such a different situation here with the clouds. So how far are you from the Mexican border? Why? Well, you're north of San Diego. Oh, no, dude. I'm 15 miles from your house. Oh, got it, got it.

Okay. Is there good surfing down there? We're right below Redondo Beach. Good surfing? It can be, and they're very territorial. The L.A. Times did a line about how they smash windshields of surfers. They don't, any outsiders. Really?

Yeah, and then there's fistfights in the water and all that. It's a little like, Topanga has that reputation also, but here I think it's much worse. Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny. You think of surfers as, like, you know, laid-back stoner dudes, but no, they're aggressive.

So many are total assholes. assholes yeah yeah real rageaholics well you know who's not an asshole is uh collins what no i'm gonna say who that was the transition the segue startled me i'm gonna i'm gonna make so jarring i'm gonna make jarring transitions all day uh collins spady that's an odd name did the logo for this week it says take it ish and our pictures with the sunday papers logo what do you think well this is what i think based on the two hand-drawn illustrations of us i would say if he was a police sketch artist no one would ever get caught. It looks like Denman just told us that we finished the podcast, but we forgot to record it.

Okay. You look like a white Hannibal Buress. A little bit, right? The mouth? Yes. I look like a little bit like a white brian reagan who's already white maybe a little whiter yeah but there's brian reagan mixed with oh oh oh i look a little like uh uh trump's uh former attorney who turned on a michael co Yeah, you do look like Michael Cohen.

I do. It's really feathered back with some product in it. Yeah, and bloated, but I guess I am bloated a lot. We always do these on the weekends. I might have a cocktail or two the night before. The song is from Michael Sapienza, just an Americana version of a theme song, a man on an acoustic guitar banging it out for 20 seconds.

That's all we ask people. You know, sometimes people go above and beyond, and that is really touching. That is, like, amazing when someone like Rob Dukes, you know, plays a fucking heavy metal song with a full band, and that really blows us away. But you know what? We also love when

you just sit down and uh do something do something from the heart love it it makes us feel more comfortable it feels like more like what we deserve exactly and a little a tiny bit less effort maybe not effort but less time yeah and speaking of corrections, um, or less, this one, this one comes out. Do you have paper to crinkle? Oh, not at all, but I'm in a hotel room. I bet I could find, I have a menu and I have a linen napkin. I don't think either one of those is going to crinkle. All right, good. So corrections, do we crinkle for corrections? I don't think we do. I have a parking ticket from four years ago in Italy. I don't think we do.

I have a parking ticket from four years ago in Italy. I have three of them because I'm basically being sued now. No, you're not. Yeah, from Studio Legale. No, that's the law firm. Let me see. Where's the original notice? They got a law firm going after you from out of- Comunio di Milano, Polizia Locale.

How much do they want? Originally, it was like 90 euro, and now there's an American collection agency asking for over $300. No shit. It was 87 euro and 20 cents originally. Then it went up to 193.5 euro anyway that's our paper today all right that sounds like something worth crinkling toby says i've never written a correction but i feel the need greg was now this one i'm not gonna lie to you no less than 50 people

wrote in with this correction i've never written a, but I feel the need. Greg was confident about Will Chamberlain starring in the movie Airplane. It was Kareem Abdul-Jabbar who starred in the movie. I think I let that one slide. Yeah, I think you didn't notice. Of course it's Kareem, because I know about

that's even in the documentary. That was even in the Laker show on HBO. They showed him filming that with the kid and they reenact in the documentary. That was even in the Laker show on HBO. They showed him filming that with the kid, and they reenacted the scene. So why don't you correct me in the moment? You let that go, and now we've got an inbox that's stuffed. Correspondence with our fans. Slater Mulligan said, where do I start?

Jim Brown had nothing to do with any of the airport movies, because airport was the movie that airplane was based on as far as by the way i'm gonna let that one go too it might not be but go ahead as far as the movie airplane no wilt chamberlain the may the movie was based on a movie from the 50s uh keep the fix fits facts coming love the show uh this one from john munsters. You reference Wilt Chamberlain as the pilot in the movie Airplane. Was Kareem Abdul-Jabbar not criticizing, as I often confuse, seven-foot black athletes with one another, as well as five-foot-seven white comedians?

You and Rogan are barely discernible, aside from your genitalia. And then it goes on and on. I'm not going to read them all but it was a ton and then this one comes from Andrew Crest and he said I hate to put to be put in the position of defending Bernie Taupin because I agree

that he sucks but he wrote Rocketman based on a short story by Ray Bradbury who you love Fahrenheit 451 about how in the future astronauts would just be everyday jobs. Hence the five days a week line and all this science I don't understand. He's just a random guy who does this for work like a construction worker. Again, I agree that he sucks and that Elton would have been twice as great if he wrote his own bad lyrics instead of partnering.

But in this particular case he was writing about a specific thing and it's just in that context though which i think makes it worse also we don't know i mean generally the listener what is the listener art should involve you what is it so anyway i've done this before i I'm just going to go through fucking Rocket Man, which even the name is so creatively bankrupt. So Space Oddity, Bowie's Space Oddity comes out July 69. Rocket Man's recorded January 72. She packed my bags late last night pre-flight, zero hour, 9 a.m., and I'm going to be high, high.

All right, so at this point, Tauppin sends the lyrics to elton john just allow me to rant i'll feel better the rest of the day he opens him and reads him he's like okay this is elton's reaction must be bernie all right at this point in the song the equivalent way into the song bowie has talked to ground control already he's taking a protein pill he's put his helmet on and he had a really cool countdown and you're going to be high as a kite, a phrase everybody fucking uses. And then, so let me keep reading anyway. I miss the earth so much. I miss my wife. It's lonely

out in space on such a timeless flight. Okay. Let's see what Bowie has. This is ground control. Again, he's talking to ground control. And the papers want to know whose shirt you wear. Okay, so he finds a creative way through a metaphor of shirts to convey he's admired by the public at home. And then he leaves his ship disoriented. And many, many people have debated that this song space out it could be a metaphor for coming out of the closet and that's why he chose the word yes and that's why he chose he's feeling so peculiar and he's moving i'm floating in a most peculiar way and the stars look very different today and then bern goes to the chorus, which literally states that you are not the man

they think you are at home. No shirts, no pants. There's no symbol you could have put in there, Bernie. Nothing. And I think it's going to be a long, long time until touchdown.

Everything is the most literal fucking thing ever. And then the chorus with Bowie is about alienation in his tin can. And that earth is both literally and figuratively blue. He's depressed, hopeless and powerless because there's nothing he can do. What did you write about that?

Mars is not a place to raise your kids. And what creative metaphor or new way could you describe the cold planet that everyone knows is cold of mars oh it's cold as hell yeah and also there's no one there to raise the made-up kids if you did and then he's all this science i don't understand. Do you understand songwriting? Do you understand the Bowie song is forever? It's still in reasonably high rotation on the radio now. And you were writing about the same exact fucking thing. Yeah, that is weird. And this also shits on this guy's premise about Ray Bradbury, because why is he saying it's lonely out in space? I miss my wife. You're going to see her in three hours. Who who the fuck doesn't want to fly around space for eight hours and then sleep in your own bed that night?

He's a nine to five. I mean, you think a guy like Chase Bank is like, I miss my wife. It's lonely here. What am I going to do? You know, what happened is he had the Bowie song about a guy who never comes back in his head. Right. And then what did Bowie do? He concedes his spaceship can do without him. Again, perilous. He tells ground control to tell his wife he loves her very much.

And then there's a single line, which is a separate line, where he sort of screams, she knows, again, could this be a metaphor, that she knows he's gay and that he is now officially coming out of the closet? Bernie, I'm gay, thinks Elton. His song is fucking incredible, even if it's not about this gay stuff. It's art. It inspires interpretation. It elicits different reactions. And then he has this incredibly tragic, tense finale with a shocking end to his story. What do you have? Oh, nothing. There's nothing after that chorus.

You repeat the fucking chorus a million times. Yeah, yeah. You literally say you are not the man they think I am at home. Bernie, is this about you? That everyone at home thinks you're a songwriter? But oh, no, no. You are a child who writes at a fifth grade level. That's what's going on.

It makes me furious. When you put those two songs next to each other. Meanwhile, and then Elton's like, all right, I guess it's all on me to make this also a song forever. And it is. It's played on the radio every single day today, and it's 100% because of Elton John. It's derivative.

It's lame. It has no layers. But listen, we're going to get to more Bernie Taupin later, and perhaps Mike's going to spin off his own Bernie Taupin Sucks podcast at some point. I'm not done. I'm going to revisit it because I know our subject. All right, let's move on.

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What are you looking at, Mike? Here we got, we got, look at Neil Brennan today, 70 bucks at game time. That might go down. Who knows? What's Kevin Brennan going for? What, Kevin Brennan? I think you can see him at Wawa,

and you just have to pay for a soda. What, Kevin Brennan, you can see him at Wawa, and you just have to pay for a soda. Jason Mraz is tonight at Five Point Amphitheater, $14. No. Yes. Oh, my God. And then, wait, let's go to sports.

Let's check in on the WNBA. We got Real Madrid, $59. We have, let's see, LA Galaxy. Hey, LA Galaxy tonight, $59. We have, let's see, LA Galaxy. Hey, LA Galaxy tonight, $4. Damn. Come on. Okay, hold on, because I thought that was really low. Los Angeles Sparks, you ready?

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I use it to check out what's going on. It's also a great device for that. And then why not go for a handful of dollars to a Dodger game? Yeah. Do you want to read this one? Oh, now that we're in the thick of summer you might be looking for wholesome convenient meals to support sunny active days factor america's number one ready to eat meal kit can help you fuel up fast with flavorful and nutritious ready to eat meals delivered straight to your door you're going to save time you're going to eat

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I wish I had it. Speaking of guys with problems, let's go to the front page. Oh, let me get my Italian parking ticket. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Like they fucking have any order over in that animal country. Big shame, Hunter. Oversight committee hearing. During a House Oversight Committee hearing,

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene whipped out several barely censored display boards. I mean, I don't know if she got them done at Staples or FedEx. Featuring images of President Joe Biden's son Hunter having sex with various women. The stunt was especially bizarre given that the hearing was about a criminal case brought by the Justice Department that had to do with his taxes. Before we begin, I would like the committee and everyone watching at home to know that parental guidance is uh is uh is advised green said at the beginning of her allotted time she went on to suggest that his relationship with sex workers potentially constitutes human trafficking because

he purchased the women and got her got them plane tickets and went across state lines. So in retaliation. Why wouldn't she research this and have an answer? In retaliation, a Hunter Biden held up a blank poster board saying, here's a picture of someone fucking Marjorie Taylor Greene. Here's everyone who's even had the thought. Yeah, yeah. Here's a guy with a flaccid cock staring at her to give in a speech uh the man acts uh anyway get into the whole thing uh so i don't think this is what his prostitutes let's say this who knows i'm just going on marjorie taylor green

which is how i live my life i don't think think this is what the prostitute signed up for. I'm sure when Hunter broke out the camera, he was like, do you mind if I record us? You know, just, you know, it's something that I like. And also it's going to be shown in Congress and on TV. She might have requested different angles or maybe even stepped up her game a little bit. Yeah, right. That's an advertisement.

Yeah. And this has got to be tough for Joe because it's every dad's worst nightmare to find out his son has a bigger cock than him. And now everybody knows. This is what's on his laptop. I'll tell you that right now. Is that where they got it?

No, I have no idea. Oh, but the Republicans were worried that Hunter has been funneling money from the Ukraine to his father for favors. Turns out he's funneling it to Filipinos for favors. I didn't need that joke. What an immigration policy he has. He has it all worked out.

If any of these ladies are foreign. I don't know if they're foreign. She said state lines, but maybe they're internationally trafficked. I mean, it really is at moments like this that Joe is like, oh, why this son? Oh, no. Yeah, that's pretty dark. Dark. Okay, DeSantis urges Florida pension fund manager to probe Bud Light maker's A.B. in Bev Beer for putting social agenda ahead of shareholders' interests with their Dylan Mulvaney campaign.

DeSantis wants the state's pension fund to investigate and possibly explore the lawsuit. Bud Light's parent company, Anheuser-Busch, suffered a $27 billion loss from the campaign. Damn! No shit! Yeah, you know, some listeners criticized us for underplaying it, and I think we did. There's no joke here. But I think, like, you know, their stock had gone down before this happened,

and they didn't really suffer. But Bud Bud Light is suffering there's no doubt about it damn I mean 27 billion I used to shoplift remember Sunshine Deli on ComAv where it's of course right now so I used to go in there late at night and I would take a 12 pack out and I put it on the ground and then I would kick it up the aisle until I got to the door and then I would pick it up and run out. There was no cameras back then. That's like almost a rugby move. You're just kicking it along. Or in basketball when they let the ball roll to the half court and they pick

it up so the clock doesn't start. So I don't think, I don't think Budweiser suffered a $27 billion loss, but probably, probably about 27, 2,700, I think in, in, in in four years by the way this is how you got away with it the guy behind the register is looking at the saddest thing ever

which is you so you can steal anything you want and you chose bud light like it's kind of like when you have a dream of you're competing and you come in like second or third place. You can't even dream about coming in first. Right. And, you know, the irony is these Bud Lights, I drank about 15 of these Bud Lights and that's the night I slipped into the woods behind Fenway to blow a guy. Didn't do it. Didn't do it. But I was drunk enough to think about it.

Well, that one you did go for your dream. So I take it back. That one, you were in first place on that dream. Also, what about DeSantis putting his constituents' interests ahead of a social issue, which is what this is? The Florida Pension Fund lost money on Bud Light. Now they're going to lose money launching a lawsuit against the company about what actor they chose in marketing,

which is not going to go well if it ever comes to court or trial or negotiation. Because you realize the former spokespeople for this company have been horses, frogs, lizards, the ugliest fucking Irish dog in the world, and a bunch of mentally disabled bros saying, what's up? They're not known for being selective. Yeah, there's a history of bad choices in the spokespeople. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, I forgot about that. And then this, by the way, this woke attack, you know, he's on this woke attack, and I wish this were my joke. But I read in the comments that someone has left a comment in the newspaper, on this online newspaper. And it said, because of his attack on woke, he's like, DeSantis should have quit while he was behind.

Because he just keeps dropping. And then he's like, he doubles down. Oh, Jesus. Do we want to do this story? Oh, I'm worried, too. We don't have to do this. Yeah, let's skip this one. It's too long.

It was another DeSantis. And my comment was, it's making our Florida man section look better than the Florida hard news stories. Right, right. But dirty money. Oh, this is an unidentified man. Recently found a treasure trove of more than 700 gold coins believed to be worth more than a million dollars in a Kentucky cornfield. The Numasmik Guarantee Company said that Southerners

might have buried the coins before and during the Civil War to protect them from invading armies. Wow. The finding, which is now being referred to as the Great Kentucky Hoard, includes gold coins minted before and during the war. At the time, Kentucky was declared a neutral state. I didn't know that. It is thought that citizens were wary that their funds were being stolen by the Confederacy, which led some to believe

that they may have buried their wealth in the ground for safekeeping. You know, when I first heard this story, I thought they said it was the great Kentucky whore, which we all know was Rosemary Clooney. Oh, wait a minute. That's notemary Clooney. Oh, wait a minute. That's not fair. I was like, wait a minute.

They dug up Rosemary Clooney? I hope George is not listening. I hope George is not listening to this podcast. Was that his mother? No, I think it's his aunt. And she was fucking amazing. Not only can you go back and listen to that voice, but she threw the most famous Hollywood Christmas party. and she was fucking amazing. Not only can you go back and listen to that voice,

but she threw the most famous Hollywood Christmas party. And all of her neighbors in Beverly Hills, it was George Burns, Lucille Ball, it was just everybody. And then she had the music greats in there. And apparently, still to this day, is considered one of the best Hollywood parties ever. And she had it every year. I would have thought that this many coins would have been more than a million dollars.

700 gold coins is only worth a million dollars? Yeah, I didn't even put that together. I guess that's a lot of money. Also, the historical interest, right? To get the losing sides money? Right, right. I'm trying to hide my money from my kids, so maybe I'll put it in the backyard. Do not bury it in Kentucky. It's going to be found now.

Yeah. Everybody, everybody is doing it. Speaking of everybody, good news for Gubbins. Here it comes. italians have good paper right i guess from all their famous art maybe they've had a tradition of great paper well gubbins couldn't believe we didn't do this section last week because i left out that in going to neil young with everyone in la is terrified of parking no matter what venue you go to so it's at the g theater. I asked to borrow his handicap placard, which was good for about 12 more days.

July's the last month. And so I borrowed it to go see Neil Young. And then I left town for the weekend before giving it back to him. And meanwhile, as we know, he's running around town. He's even played paddle. And I'm like, wait a minute, when do you use this? You're not going to any concert or anything. He's like, no, he uses it for free parking at the meters.

So I was like, I'll, I'll pay for all your meters. Yeah. Yeah. Did I, did he use it to get to the clinic to get his shot before black people for COVID? We're bringing it all the way back to that. Wait, so who did you go to Neil Young with? Did you go alone? So, no. I loaded everybody in my car, and I thought, we're going to take one car.

I'm going to have this handicapped blacker because when you get up there, the Greek is so crazy that they run out of parking. You have to then drive all the way back down to a place where there's a shuttle. You're going to miss the first half of the concert. So I borrowed it, but here's the funny part. So I borrow it.

We're pulling up. We get up to a guard, and everyone keeps asking, do you have a reservation? A reservation, a reservation. In other words, do you reserve a parking spot? So we're like, no, and the guy starts to gesture going around. But I point. It's hanging from my windshield.

I go, but wait a minute. Don't you have handy capable spots? And I literally forgot the phrase. It's now called disabled. So that wasn't a good sign right there. But I go, and the guy looks at me and goes, you're disabled? And I go, yeah. I go, and this is my placard. He goes, all right. So he looks at me and goes, you're disabled? And I go, yeah. I go, and this is my placard.

He goes, all right. So he looks at me and goes, all right. So he moves the gate, and he goes, up there. Go up there, and the guy will tell you where to park. The whole car is high-fiving. We're so fucking psyched. We're like, God, what a score. We got to thank Gubbins.

I get to the guy. We start going uphill a little bit. It's to the left, and it's in a valley And the guy's like, yeah, straight I'm like, I have, he's like, yeah, straight Doesn't give a shit about the plow yard I'm like, okay, so next guy, yeah, straight We are now climbing

And I'm like, thank God I have four, it's dirt It's dirt With all these, you know, I don't know what you'd call them Little like, where rivers Had gone down, with all these little Ravines, I don't know what you'd call them, little like where rivers had gone down with all these little ravines. I don't know what you'd call it. In the road. All these little like, yeah. So, now my car's

bumping and rocking. We are officially off-roading and they go higher, higher. You wouldn't believe, we went to the highest place up in the woods. No pavement, no fences. Parked by these trees, and then did the whole walk all the way down to where we started,

and then had to walk up the hill. It would have been so funny if you tripped in one of those ravines and twisted your knee. I would have loved that. I don't know how anyone, handy capable even, could have negotiated that. It was officially a hike. Oh, my God.

Well, because there's so many douchebags, no offense to you and Gubbins, who get those placards and misuse them. There's like a thousand people. Right, right. He's terrible. Entertainment. Oh my God. Entertainment section. Is this you? Lana Del Rey?

Lana Del Rey gave her fans quite the surprise on Thursday when she was spotted working as a waitress in a Waffle House in Alabama. I think the surprise was that she made it back to L.A. after that. The singer, 38, stepped away from the stage as she was seen pouring coffees and taking orders at the restaurant chain. Lana was dressed in the company's blue uniform and wore a yellow name badge as she kept busy behind the

counter and appeared to be waiting on tables. Oh, so Lana pretended to wait on tables. You know that 95% of entertainers actually wait tables. I know that 95 of entertainers actually wait tables i know she's mocking them yeah i am remembering now i did put this story in sorry but good read good read and also like you're a celebrity there are a lot easier ways to fuck tiger woods don't just go

with recent history try a new way and here's one of the real headlines. Just when you thought Waffle House could not get more depressing, you have this morose, despondent singer known for the most melancholy vibe like ever in music, practically. Ma'am, can I get some syrup? Syrup runs through my veins after you left me. This is a lot more syrupy than I thought.

And I guess she was there. I don't know how long she was there, but I guess she put on 35 pounds that week, which was good because she had to break up 16 fights. Waffle house. Waffle house. You know, I've never been in one. I have they really

heat up around 1 to 4am I think they do half their business from 1 to 4am and there are so many fights online at Waffle Houses I don't know how people work there it's crazy there are a lot in the south I'm gathering

because I see a ton in Nashville yeah is this you the uh bernie taupin yes bernie taupin okay dad now don't make a meal of this i can tell you about him all right all right read it the lyricist behind some of ellen john's biggest songs get this he's written a memoir called scattershot life, music, Elton and me. Thank God he put in music and not songwriting.

The memoir is said to detail Taupin and John's lifelong creative partnership, blah, blah, blah. So anyway, I can't wait. That's a must not read. Yeah.

I think he should get Elton to narrate the audio book to turn this piece of shit into like probably a Grammy award winning masterpiece. If Elton is not going to sing the book on tape, no one has to read this book. Nobody. Yeah. I wonder if it was hard for him to type with his hands grasped so tightly on Elton's coattails. He must have used his nose. All right. This is my closing thought, and it's short on this,

because I know a lot of criticisms come my way. I know art is relative and subjective, but there are a few facts with art. Like an Italian pasta dish at a Michelin star restaurant. A fact is it's more complex and nuanced and sophisticated than a can of Chef Boyardee. Those are just facts. And you might like the Chef Boyardee more, and that's fine. But if you say it's just as interesting and artful, then you live in Florida. All right. Another shot at Florida.

Yeah. I'm taking everybody out today. Can I take out gays? Where are they? They're right here. Malaysia's government halted a music festival on Saturday after the British pop rock band The 1975 kissed a male bandmate on stage oh there will be no compromise against any party that challenges disparages and violates malaysian laws uh said the communications minister he's from ireland apparently of the of the good vibes. Maybe he's from Jamaica.

A three-day event. The 1975 have also been banned from performing in Malaysia. And that's it. So this was doomed to fail. A band called 1975 performing in a country stuck in 1867. You know, I had a different take, which is, I think the band, I think the name 1975 is a sad reminder for Malaysia

of when the CPM, which is the Communist Party of Malaysia, that was the year they implemented a new strategy calling for their military activities to be coordinated, can you tell I'm reading Wikipedia, with front organizations. And then later in january

75 the cpm also issued a second directive calling for 1975 to officially be called a new year of combat so i think they get wistful and they remember a better time when they would crush and kill people yeah that was uh that was ill-timed i mean that that would be like uh going on november 11th to go see the dixie chicks you just it's just not a great idea that's not the day yeah or like when the band 9-11 come is that what they're called i'm gonna change 3-11 3-11 when the band 9-11 plays on september 11th yeah right you just don't that's the day you take off you know i just look if of all countries that wouldn't allow men to kiss it would you would seem that this malaysia has the most feminine men they're hairless and thin they have pretty faces i'm calling my agent for a spot in the good vibes festival for next

year because the these men are gorgeous do black people go see the 1975 because things have definitely gotten better since then yes there's no year that you want to go see except maybe hopefully 2024 if you're black yeah can you imagine a bunch of black guys hey do you guys want to go see the 1840s no i'm all right well i mean how many comics have jokes about going to one of those uh you know reenactments or one of those farms. What do they call them? The Civil War reenactors? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then Denman was telling us about this text from Travis Terrell

at the Chris Stapleton concert. What was that? So Chris's black buddy goes to see Stapleton, right? He's been turned on to Chris Stapleton. Wait, I'm hung up on Chris's black buddy. Chris has a black buddy goes to see Stapleton, right? He's been turned on to Chris Stapleton. Wait, I'm hung up on Chris's black buddy. Chris has a black buddy? Yeah, well, you know, you keep your enemies close, I think was what Chris said.

Yeah, there you go. Or that guy's keeping his enemies close by being friends with Chris. So anyway, the guy likes Stapleton, so he's the only black guy at the concert. And I think he got a little fucked up or whatever, and was really feeling it. And the only, the only text that Chris got from the concert was about the warmup act. He's like, this is the quote, who in the hell is Marty Stewart and his fabulous superlatives? Question mark, exclamation point. And you know,

that goes on forever. They cooking. You know, this is very similar to watching all the reaction videos to performers online. Like, one of the fun things is to watch black people be very impressed with Chris Stapleton's voice. Like, there's a famous one online. So it's a little like that. I think Freebird might have been the first one I ever saw. I think Freebird might have been the first one I ever saw. But if you've never seen the reaction video of a black guy watching Freebird, I think it might have set the bar pretty high at the beginning.

Yeah, and that guy, there's a lot of them. And a lot have done it since copying him. And I'm not saying he was the first, but he was one of. He's not wearing a shirt. He's in a gamer chair. Like there's a gamer chair. And he has such insights also into the song which you we've we've always just never even thought about like the jam is going so crazy and he's he presses the pause button i think we've talked about this before and he goes

i don't know what she did in the relationship, but you're all really happy to be free. Yeah. Yeah. He's free. He's free. He's free as a bird. He's a Southern guy. And I think he's Southern.

He's really funny. Speaking of Southern, let's make America Florida. You got it. Here it comes. Okay. There was a shocking moment. There's a video, I guess, in this article. I did see a little of it.

It is disturbing. Shocking moment. The 63-year-old man is brutally attacked inside a Florida movie theater after asking a couple to move out of his pre-booked VIP seat. So I put this in there because I felt that, and I feared this was what could have happened to you at the Greek theater with the guys next to you. Right. If you had dug in harder with those Cretans.

Right. Yes. And, you know, it really is. You never fucking know, you know, like who's going to be a lunatic and who you can interact with. And, you know, the energy that you bring to it. Sometimes an old guy comes off a little aggressive, but I don't know. I just don't know what VIP tree like what's a VIP seat in Florida. You get room under. They're overstating a reserved seat right well i mean what's vip is there room under your seat for a cooler and your baby do you get 3d glasses that blur out the faces of all the ethnic actors lap dances it's a seat that gets the shit beaten out of you lap dances during the previews. They skin the possum in your pickup truck during the film.

During sex scenes, some model just reaches down and caresses you. She's a runaway. The poor guy was taken to the hospital. The perpetrator of the attack has not yet been identified. They have all these screen grabs of his face, so they're asking people to do it. But I did think of people who get like outraged, like the guys next to you, when they're only

thinking to themselves and they're ruining it for everybody else. Yeah. The last line of the article, do you know the identity of the victim or his attackers? Email newsus at dailymail.com. Yeah, we're not sure the identity, but a few things we can count on. He's young. He parked in the handicapped spot out front, and he stayed for the rest of the movie. It's Florida. He spent his nine bucks. He had Gubbins parking, handicapped parking placard.

Right. Okay, let's make Australia Florida. I guess it's a new section. Oh, that Italian paper holds up. Middle-aged men are among the loneliest in Australia. What could help change that, said the article. The article should be one word, posse. Shouldn't it?

What do they mean, what could change that? So a recent survey conducted by men's health organization, it's called Healthy Male, found that 43% of Australian men were lonely. Of that 43%, 92% are married to Australian women. That's where you find the loneliest men. Yeah. In secluded, in marriages.

And what was the line that I realized everyone says? Oh, yeah, yeah. That I remember somewhere. Anyway, it was like a therapist advice who wanted you to look for guys who like, uh, had commitment issues or they were like delaying and stuff. We're not being real about relationships. The therapist said, uh, he goes, keep in mind that all, all relationships either end in a breakup, death or marriage. And so I thought it was fascinating that the relationship ends in marriage.

I'm like, you got that one right. You got that one right. Well, not with me. My wife, I'm still dating my wife. We still have fun. No, yeah, you guys are unicorns. Are you kidding me? Yeah.

And I read this. And while Australia has has stopped short this is in the article of following countries like the uk and japan who have appointed ministers for loneliness there are positive signs it goes on but like that that should be lana del rey that's maybe that's what she was doing in the Waffle House. She's a mistress of loneliness. Yeah. I think that was Denman's nickname in high school, the minister of loneliness, the king of masturbation. Yeah, the chancellor of celibacy,

Yeah. The chancellor of celibacy. The ombudsman of off-hands-ness, I don't know what you would call it. Yeah. The gang leader of gang bangs. The federal, what is this, MP Andrew Giles, the co-chair of Parliamentary Friends of Ending Loneliness, recently called the loneliness the next global public health emergency we must address. Oh, I put that in there because I think that's really interesting. And I think people like Neil Postman and a lot of the big thinkers out there in what technologies are doing, I think they're all thinking about that, actually. Oh, absolutely. I mean, you look at incels in this country, there's a lot of anger and they are easily led by the nose

by people that are you know manly men that are angry for them and they direct them to targets and they're very vulnerable to that kind of thinking. Yep. Of course, you're in your own echo chamber. Yeah. So you start to lose perspective. You don't hear counterarguments. And there's basically no reality checks. But also, loneliness can drive people to do terrible things, mostly to themselves, but still.

Okay. Let's get to science. we're skipping right down to science yeah wow only bad news someone doesn't like women's soccer i guess oh did you want to do that nope i don't not at all you can go see it for a dollar fifty on game time here we go science thousands of 10 inch penis fish have washed up on a beach in argentina i guess they were uncircumcised uh penis fish and a bizarre phenomenon the grim looking sea worms known formerly as eurychus unicentus, lined the beaches in Multilar. The creatures flooded onto the beach after a heavy storm on Monday.

Mom! Mom, look, I found six of those things you have in your nightstand. Lana Del Rey's like, is there a Waffle House in Argentina? Yeah. She's lonely. Girls, get out of the water no mom

no it's really good today this article depending on how you think about it either needs or definitely doesn't need a photo right that must have been a bizarre phenomenon as they say i remember the penis fish someone Someone brought them into Florida, and the best part of it was they called it an invasive species. Yeah, that's what a penis is. That's right. That's literally what a penis is. And a shell is a vagina.

Don't kid yourself. Conk. A little conk pussy. If you put the shell next to your ear and you listen really hard, you can hear a... What do you call it when you fart out of your pussy? Queef. A queef.

You can hear a queef if you put it up to your ear. Would have been better if I got the joke out. No, I liked it that way. All right, this day in history. Yes. There we go. On July 23, 1984, I remember this well, 21-year-old Vanessa Williams gives up her Miss America title,

the first resignation in the pageant's history after Penthouse Magazine announces plans to publish nude photos in its September issue, she made history when she became the first black woman to win the Miss America crown, Miss New Jersey. Suzette Charles, the first runner-up, was also African-American, assumed Williams' tiara for the two months that remained in her reign. She attended Syracuse. She was a receptionist at a modeling agency, and so the photographer at the modeling agency took nude photos of her, telling them they'd be shot in silhouette and wouldn't be recognizable.

After she became Miss America, the photographer sold the pictures to Penthouse without her knowledge. Williams later dropped lawsuits against the magazine and photographer after it was learned she had signed a model release form at the time the photos were taken. Ugh. Remember, keep in mind, this is the same country and about 25 years before the Kardashians, Kim completely fucked her way on a tape that was supposed to be hidden.

Whatever. Like, it's just such a different time. No, Paris Hilton did it first. Kim Kardashian copied Paris Hilton. They were like best friends. And she saw what happened with Paris and she went, oh, that's a good path. I'll do that. But wasn't it more than this?

Wasn't it that some of the photos she was with a woman? Oh, I didn a good path. I'll do that. But wasn't it more than this? Wasn't it that some of the photos she was with a woman? Oh, I didn't know that. I think that's what riled all these conservative assholes also. So, listen, I had a sitcom on TV for 22 episodes with Joel McHale, and Chris Williams was his buddy. And, in fact, I've only done two sitcom pilots, and Chris was in both. And in the first one, which never aired,

you were at the taping, I think. He got the biggest laugh of the night. Who's Chris Williams? Huh? Who's Chris Williams? Chris Williams is an amazing actor, dodgeball, a million things. But most people know him as Crazy Eye's Killer

in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Wait, is he related to Vanessa Williams? Yes, I said that. It's her brother. I think I said that. Anyway, that's what I was getting to. No, you didn't say that. I was, you keep interrupting, Grandpa. I was getting to it. So that is her brother. They both were in, I think, Chappaqua, New York, or right near there. They grew up in Westchester. Mount Kisco. Yeah.

Yeah, Mount Kisco. Sorry. And they're just this incredibly smart, good-looking, and driven family. She was incredible. I can remember spanking it to those pictures hard. Okay. Well, also, what's most notable is she went on to be very successful and got acting roles

and overcame that major, major setback. Yes. She was the first Meghan Markle, as far as I'm concerned. Oh, gee, that's a way to take her down a notch. What are you doing? She's great. Let's do an obituary, sadly. Oh, yeah. Here we go.

And that's all folks all right tony bennett the master pop vocalist who had a professional career spanning eight decades with the number one album at age 85 died on friday in new York. He was 96. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2016. I'm not reading that. But had continued to perform and record through 2021. His peer, Frank Sinatra, called him the greatest popular singer in the world. His recordings were characterized by ebullience, immense warmth, vocal clarity, and emotional openness.

A gifted and technically accomplished interpreter of the great American songbook, he may be best known for his signature 1962 hit, I Left My Heart in San Francisco. He was equally at home in front of intimate combos, lushly arranged orchestras. intimate combos, lushly arranged orchestras, never a jazz singer. He flourished in jazz settings and cut sessions with Count Basie's band. He was one of the top pop performers in the 50s and 60s. And then again in the 90s, his career reflourished under the management of his son, Danny. I wonder if my fucking son could step in and get my career to reflourish.

I've dealt with Danny. Really? Yeah, because we had him. I think I've been in productions that have had Tony Bennett maybe twice, but the last one was the roast of Alec Baldwin because Alec Baldwin did that amazing Tony Bennett. Oh, Chris, can you look up and maybe put here, I bet Alec Baldwin did that amazing Tony Bennett. Oh, Chris, can you look up and maybe put here, I bet Alec Baldwin commented. I bet Alec Baldwin was so upset he shot about three or four people

when he heard this news. But he might have also commented on Twitter. And his wife cried in Spanish. But we had, on the Alec Baldwin roast, we had Lady Gaga, who was an extraordinary fan of his. So was, you know, in the Amy Winehouse. I loved him in the Amy Winehouse documentary. Amy Winehouse does a duet with Tony Bennett and is so they both came out looking so good.

She was, I think, kind of appropriately intimidated by him But she was so intimidated, she couldn't sing And he just kept like, you're doing great, you're doing great In his typical, positive, encouraging way But also, he noticed her as this exceptional jazz singer Before anyone was kind of giving her credit not not anyone but before the general public was really giving her credit for it right and it was before gaga did the duet he also duetted with diana crawl who's evils costello's wife and uh the lady gaga

thing like really blew up uh his last public appearance came with Gaga at Radio City Music Hall in August 2021. And then they put out a duet, and it was a sequel to their chart-topping 2014 collaboration. So anyway, in a biographical guide to great jazz and pop singers, critic Wilfried Wald wrote, the idea that someone who sang the great show tunes of the Eisenhower era and earlier could compete with heavy metal and rap would have previously seemed fodder

for one of those rapidly aging comics who opened for Sinatra. Yeah. And Alec Baldwin, Chris put in, posted to Instagram a lengthy video in which he called Bennett a sweet guy and marveled that he had this incredible first act. And then things got a little quiet for him. And then he came back.

And the second act of his career is bigger than his first. I would just say to people, maybe we have listeners out there who haven't. You know, listen, when I left my heart in San Francisco, you know, it plays in malls. It's background music. It's elevator music. Or if it comes on, if you ever can add an intimate moment with the best sounding speakers or the least crunched recording digitally that you can get anyway. If you listen, even though something as cliche as I left Martin in San Francisco, that voice is so special. And I know I'm stating the obvious, but it really is.

Well, you know what it is? And they use this word in this obituary, open. He was emotionally completely open with his voice. There was no hiding anything. There was no hiding anything there was no forcing anything it was like a look into his soul when he sang yeah and i always pictured like every time i'm in a really great italian restaurant i always think to myself this is the kind of place where tony bennett would walk in and they would lose their fucking minds. This is the kind of place where like, uh, you know, Tony Bennett would, would enjoy a good meal.

Oh yeah. He's, I mean a legend and it is sad. He's like the last, I read a lot of obituaries of he's the last crooner. Yeah. Well, you still got, uh, what's his name? Um, uh, Harry, uh, some Harry Connick j Jr. is very good. Dude, we're talking about even Harry Connick Jr. would agree with me saying that that was the last real crooner. Of course, there are people, Buble, whatever you want to say, that are out there doing the American Songbook. But this is the guy. Was he ever in Scorsese?

Was he in Goodfellas? No, that was Henny Youngman in what I'm just spacing out, in the restaurant where they walked through the kitchen. Oh, right. It was, oh, what's his name? Frankie Avalon, right? I don't know. It's weird if Tony Bennett bennett was never a chris look up if tony bennett's music

it had to have been in a scorsese move right analyze this analyze this i was he who knows he's in that movie oh he is okay that's sad all right let's not go there that's sad let's cheer up let's cheer up and go to the funnies. Let's go to the Sunday funnies. All right, so Hager. The Italian paper is getting soggy. All right. I love Hager is walking down the street with a guy, and there's a house with a sign that says,

Beware of wife. Hager goes, Has your wife seen that sign? And then the guy says, she put it there and the woman is standing there cursing. And I just think, well, that's ironic. The wife, beware of the wife. How about wife be aware of every fucking guy that walks down the street?

How about, dude, don't leave your wife home alone. The sign's not gonna cut it it's almost like a lockhorn that's what the lock mr lockhorn would have put out front yeah sign all right beware of wife got some good lockhorns today oh um and then here's here's a hagger i love because i'm actually doing a joke about this right now. The king is sitting on his throne and there's a court jester who is falling through a trap door and he looks scared. And then the king looks up and there's a gathering of other jester looking guys and clowns and they all look really nervous. And the king says, next. And then you see Hager in the back and he goes, let's come back when auditions are over. And this is my point.

The court jester, that was a high stakes gig. That was like comedy so fucking easy now. Any asshole can walk into an open mic night or get a TikTok account with crowd work and blow up. But these guys were the real deal. If you bombed, you died. That thinned out the herd. You had to be fucking good every night. You could never mail it in because on a whim, the king will

kill you. And I think that modern comedy clubs should have exactly what this comic strip has. A fucking trap door, and there's a gun turret in the corner, and if you don't do an original premise for five minutes, they just take you out the door the floor opens you land on a pile of other hacks they hose it down next asshole comes

up bring back the court jester back then it was always the i mean can you imagine a worse room yeah like king is fucking livid his son just got killed in battle you better have you better go with your a-game right he's got gonorrhea for sure he's itching and scratching and uh you know what the court jester was it was the original drug dealer like this he's fucking feeling down as fuck you gotta he he wants to go to sleep he wants to laugh he wants to think about anything but what he's obsessing about. Right, right. And if you were a drug dealer and you showed up with nothing, you'd get killed.

Right. And you've got to do topical material, but you don't know which way the king is feeling about a topic because you're writing new shit. And you remember History of the World when Mel Brooks played a stand-up philosopher? Oh, that's right. And he goes to the unemployment line to get his check, and Bea Arthur was the woman giving out the checks.

And she goes, occupation? And he goes, stand-up philosopher. And she rolls her eyes and she goes, did you bullshit this week? And he goes, no. And she goes, did you try to bullshit this week? And he goes, no. And she goes, did you try to bullshit this week? And he goes, no. All right, let's get to some Lockhorns. Leroy has got the newspaper in his hand.

Loretta's sitting next to him on the phone. And she goes, it's Visa. You paid your gym bill with it and they wanted to know if your card had been stolen those are good those credit card jokes remember rodney's about uh his his wife's pocketbook was stolen with all the credit cards but he hasn't canceled them because they're spending less. That's great. Yeah. Okay. I put in a far side, which I have not read.

My voice is now gone. I forgot to put in a far side, so I grabbed one, pasted it in, and I've not read it. So here we go. This will be a surprise to me, too. There's two. It looks like they're scientists. They're in a classroom. They have a pulley and they've raised to the ceiling and upside by its

feet. So it's an upside down rhinoceros. And one has a clipboard and is gesturing up to the rhinoceros as they're looking up. And it says, testing whether or not rhinos land on their feet. And it says, testing whether or not rhinos land on their feet. And now that I see that, the horn of the rhino is right above the guy who has winched it up on the pulley. That's hilarious. I like it. I like it. All right, here is something. I can't even explain this, Blondie.

But they're in bed, and they've both got laptops open which just right out of the gate okay you have an opportunity to slide into bed with a woman she weighs about 120 pounds she's got 34 d's and she does her hair for bed she's got on frilly negligee and she goes uh she goes this site lets you create a personalized emoji. And he goes, I love it. I'll make one for you. And she goes, I'll make one for you. And then in the final frame, they show the emoji he made is him with hearts in his eyes. And she makes one of her with hearts in her eyes.

And they give each other a kiss. And they say, works for me. I mean, is that where it? And the sad thing is, that's where it ends. Here's my emoji. Here's my emoji. Porn. I would send her something to get her a little bit riled up.

Maybe it's Czechoslovakian hidden camera massage porn. And maybe you've CGI'd her face onto it. Something. Make a move, Dagwood. What are you doing? Okay, this is what I think happened. Dagwood did his best to get an emoji that looked like himself that he created. She was not wanting to see that.

And then what she saw is a little Asian girl. Because that's exactly what his emoji looks like. And that works for her. I think it's a whole new level. Yes. Looks like an Asian teenager. Now, are you saying because that makes him not a threat or that that's what she's into?

I think maybe she's into that. Yeah. She's been so turned off by men and maybe even white people. He's ruined it on every level for her. So a like 18 year old hipster Japanese girl, because that's exactly what it looks like. I would even take it a step further. And if you remember the history of Blondie,

which we've gone through, she was a flapper. And this cartoon strip started in the 1930s. He was a millionaire playboy, and she was a flapper. And then it evolved into this horrible suburban dead marriage.

But I think that she had to put up with so many fucking lascivious men in her day that Dagwood represents a safe place where a guy in donut pajamas is going to leave her the fuck alone sexually. And that's all she cares about. Right. And on that, we're going to bid you a great week. We hope you guys are enjoying your summers, getting to the beach, getting to the mountains, wherever you live.

Getting to the picket lines. That's right. It's not going to last forever, so get out there and enjoy. We want to again tell you that if you're going to go enjoy this summer by seeing sports or theater or comedy or music, then you're going to use GameTime and you're going to use the Papers code and get $20 off at GameTime. Also, don't forget that Factor is a great way to get meals catered to what you need without shopping. Use code PAPERS50 to get 50% off. And we want to thank Midcoast Media, the fine folks over there, Chris Denman and Beth Hoops and Key and John and everybody that does a great job putting the show together.

Anything you want to promote, Mike? What do I want to promote? I don't think. Oh, since we last recorded, Jesus, did you watch that Wimbledon final? That was really something else. Unbelievable. Such a great, one of the great matches in Wimbledon history. I'm just trying to think what I did.

I have not seen Oppenheimer or Blondie yet, but a lot of people have this weekend. I hear they're both very good. My daughter is doing what they're calling Blondheimer, which is, or Barbheimer, where you see both movies in the same day. She's doing that with Mimi on Monday. Sounds like Opie could have been a shorter way to say it. True.

Also want to plug August 6th, I'll be performing in Galway in Ireland. If I have any West Coast of Ireland fans, yeah, that'll be fun. And then I got a bunch of dates coming up in the fall in where am I coming?

New Hampshire, Sacramento, D.C., Houston. We'll announce those dates in the coming weeks. And that'll do it. Thank you guys for tuning in. I want to thank Uncle Vinny's here in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, for letting me record here. They got a bunch of great headliners coming up. Vic DiBattetto and a whole slew of funny

comics andrew dice clay performs here regularly it's like his favorite club so come check it out very cool all right everyone uh i think it's time to take it each it's time to take it each yeah The Sunday Papers Something happens to Greg and Mike Tell you later The Sunday Papers Scream and shout and read all about it And thank you