Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 179 8/27/23

Episode Date: August 27, 2023

This week Trump looks very serious. The Fyre Festival is back and a Chinese man escapes to South Korea on a jet-ski. Also, we say goodbye to a friend of the show.  

Sunday Papers with Gibbons and Fitz. Sunday Papers, forget about it. Forget those other news guys, you know they are the Fitz. Sunday Papers, read all about it. Oh, Sunday Papers with Gibbons and Fitz. Five, four. Okay. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday papers. Sunday papers. Get them. I got a stack by the curb. Here we go. Oh, my God.

I thought you froze. That was a good one. You look like you're frozen. We're using the Midcoast Media software. Nope. I am ready to do this. Oh, this is still moving. Ready to do the podcast. I just froze on purpose listeners. And my headphone cable was still wiggling under my frozen, my frozen face and hands. How are you, man? I am good. I am good. It was nice for you to make fun of me. Greg likes to read through the script. It's called being a professional broadcaster. I do not like doing that. And he got to one of the first things I wrote up top, which was I wrote down, I listened to an amazing podcast. He's like, you listen to an amazing podcast? What are you, a 12 year old girl? What the fuck is that? Yeah, it was the podcast you made about your dad.

Oh. How about that? You got me. You got me. And now I want to erase it and not even talk about it. Wait a minute. You just listened to it this week? to it this week? No, I started it a while ago. I think I was on a plane, landed, then I revisited, but it was like six days ago. I listened to it right after we did our podcast last week, but yes, no, I know it's father's day, but which is a while ago, which is your point, but I spaced on it and, was really it was really touching.

It got me like, you know, it was emotional and it was just so well done. And I can't recommend it enough to other people. Wow. Well, thank you very much. I appreciate that. It was it was a labor of love. I listened to those tapes for a couple of weeks and it was pretty it was pretty like moving to listen to your dead father's voice after 30 years and realize well i just realized how much i got from him so much of my style and my voice is so identical to his you know and uh i don't't know. I it was weird. I wish that everybody could have that experience of like not losing a parent. But if you do that, you have some some video or audio

that you can, you know, kind of share their their their energy again, you know? Yeah. And, uh, and it was very inspiring message for, at the end for, you know, people to, uh, you know, reach out if you're estranged, you know, from your dad or, uh, even if you're not. And also anyway, it was just really great. And, uh, the, I don't want to spoil it for people who go there and this is not a joke. It sounds like I'm about to say a joke, but it's that thing about, uh, going through letters. I'll just put it that way at the end was really great. And you had told me about that, but that's such, such an amazing, like, that's like a last scene in a movie, you know, like it really is pretty incredible. Yeah, it really it really it's weird when you look back on your life, sometimes you don't see that there's acts and there's transitions and there's payoffs and there's all these things that maybe maybe we impose on the reality of what our our memories are.

But that that whole journey with my father really did have an arc to it, you know? And it had a, yeah, it had a false ending and then a real ending. I also did not know that you never told me the detail that he didn't take your call at Christmas. I, that, that, that's terrible. But you know, I did know that at that point you guys weren't kind of talking. So I guess I don't know why I'm so surprised, but I guess it's the details, you know. Yeah. Right. Right. You've never been estranged from your dad, have you? Well, I mean, I'd go months without speaking to him, but it wasn't like a planned or a vindictive thing.

I mean, I just was so out of touch as we all were with my parents. But that began for me. I went away to school at 15. So that began for me then. And no, we had a rough period. Oh, yeah. We had a rough period, I'd say, when I was in high school going into college. And I remember my Uncle John used to say, you two need to get drunk together. Like that was Uncle Johnny's solution. Right.

To like thaw the ice or break the ice. And it was, I think it was my 25th birthday. We both went out to dinner and I'd say that was the beginning of the relationship we have now. Wow. Cause you guys have an amazing relationship now. It's like, uh, you know, it's like a very, it's very vulnerable. Like there's a really, like, I see how much you guys care about each other and not just not like, not like your words that you say, but just how you both show up for each other and like value spending time together and you go out of your way to to be together. And it's like, you know, it's really nice. Yeah. And listen, the takeaway for me from your whole podcast, my takeaway was your dad was this incredible guy who just got saddled with shitty kids and it fucked up his life kind of. That dude was fucking... He didn't get good ones.

That dude was out till fucking two, three, four in the morning with your mom, as you said, killing it, having fun, going to the best restaurants, hanging out with Sinatra and his crew at the Friars every day. He'd come home. What does he want to do?

He wants to bang your mom. But no, there's fucking lousy kids who probably were out getting arrested and having the brother bail them out and all this shit. Then in the morning, you're fucking eating your cereal loud. He can't even fucking sleep off his hangover. He wants to stay in bed with your mom all day. He had it made. hangover. He wants to stay in bed with your mom all day. He had it made.

And he's trying to get from bed to the golf course in under a half an hour because he's so hungover. And I'm stopping him in the hallway to say hi. What the fuck is that? He's got a tee tie. Yeah. Now people wonder about our addiction to golf and it's like, now people wonder about our addiction to golf and it's like uh it's definitely uh maybe there's some daddy issues with how bad i am at golf at this point i can't allow myself to be better than him my yeah my joke was you were still playing with his clubs as you've said and you said in that podcast too for so long and it was just a way for him to continually abuse you. You're just walking around filled with rage because you can't hit with his clubs. Right. I feel like I'm a loser and a failure.

But I can't slam the clubs because it would be disrespectful to him so I have to hit a shitty shot and then gently put them back and wipe them down. And you can just hear in your backswing, like, not even my clubs can you hit. Like, I've given you everything, and you can't do anything with it. Why are you still even playing with these? Grow up.

Get a real set of clubs. Man up. I could hit the shit out of these things. No, but your daddy issues with golf are even stronger than mine. I mean, you literally took up golf just so that you could get your dad's approval because he loves golf so much. Is that why I did it? Yes.

And then as soon as you got good, he kind of stopped playing. It was like a curse. Yeah, no, I do push him to play. But, no, it was a pandemic thing and somehow i guess i have the patience to play it where i never did before whatever you shit on golf for my whole life and then all of a sudden you became obsessed with it during the pandemic obsessed is a strong word like i'm not playing for a couple of weeks now for sure yeah but you watch youtube videos about golf every day i will give myself this credit well they're they come up on my instagram the algorithm knows maybe the algorithm

agrees with you that i'm obsessed with golf this is what i do know i proudly cannot name five golfers and other than your cousin i've never tuned in to watch golf. Right. Other than for your cousin. Wait, changing gears. All right, changing gears. Let's talk about this hurricane. We're still getting over it. We had a puddle in the backyard. Still getting.

I had to clear that up. I got water on my windshield. I had to turn the windshield wiper on. It was fucking hardcore. I have water in my fridge that I loaded up, like, you know, because they're like, hey, Liv. Because they're like, there's a chance that water could go out depending where in L.A. it hits. I'm like, what? Also, it didn't have to hit in L.A. for L.A.'s water to go out.

So I felt like a Y2K, you know, like whatever they were called. I forget what their nicknames were. But for our young listeners, when the clock clicked January 1, 2000, everyone thought all the grids would shut down. There'd be no infrastructure left. There were electricity, water, all that stuff. So people loaded up on water and shit like that. No, Erin went to Trader Joe's and she said the shelves were empty.

Yeah. Yeah, for this hurricane. Yeah, exactly. It was such a joke. People were like, Home Depot had a line going out the door. So people, yeah. But you know what? I had a nice day because we had just gotten home the day before from Europe.

So we were totally jet lagged and it was an excuse to not do anything except binge some TV, read my book, threw a move on the wife. It was nice. Oh, yeah. I drove. I had to go out and drive somewhere and it was like a ghost town. Yeah. So now we have an earthquake coming.

Is that what we're talking about? So this was on X, I guess, Twitter. And it's an alert. And this is from Earthquake Prediction. It's a handle on X. Anyway, alert. A major earthquake is possible this Friday in California. Warning.

A 6.0 magnitude earthquake is possible with likely 5.0 magnitude earthquake. Most likely, they like the word likely, and I don't think they're using it correctly. Most likely in the northwest Los Angeles area around 8 p.m. August 25th, which is today. Really? Stay prepared is how they sign off. What time is they saying? 8 p.m. I don't know how

they can predict a time. But then I went, all right, let's go to the site. So I went to the comments and someone said that there was a smaller earthquake this morning, which of course people think is like a pre-tremor or whatever it is. There was a 2.8 about an hour ago, said someone, and that was four hours ago. So who knows? Well, this could pay off. Every year we make our predictions,

and every year you say that Los Angeles is going to be felled to its knees. You know this year I think I said no because I'm so frustrated, which is exactly how I do on the stock market. And the real estate market. Yeah, everything. Yeah. I've been browning. All right, what's that?

We should also talk about some sad news this week. Your hat? Yeah, my hat. Well, no, I originally had this hat on. I switched out of the red hat. Or is it maroon? Did they give that to you for free when you saw Paddington? Hey, there's the guy who's the showrunner for the roasts.

So we did have a bit of sad news. I don't know if we should even do this at the top of the show because it is so heavy. Greg, my name is Lauren. Do you want to put it in the obituary? And we've teased it now that one of our, sadly, we've lost one of our very active listeners. Yes, we'll read it during the obituary. But let's just suffice to say he was one of the major contributors to the show.

And this week, the logo is a logo that he made for us about a year ago and today's song uh was written and performed by him as well uh so we'll talk about michael solomon later in the show a lot of corrections uh bob petterson who is a stickler. Pedersen is known for his nitpickiness. They call him nitpicky Pedersen. And he said her name is Rapi, not Rapinoe. Rapinoe, not Rapinoe. Who's that? I forget also.

Is it a soccer player? Oh, it's a soccer player. Right, right, right. Rafa's name is Nadal, not Nadal. Also, nobody who is a fan calls him Rafael. He is

Rafa. Okay? I get that a lot. I always say his name wrong. Didn't someone call him Rafi? Didn't some people say Rafi as well? Thanks, Bob Pettyerson. Petterest. Thanks, Bob Petterest.

Wow, that's really throwing them hard. Daniela Terhorst. I should know her name by now because she's a big contributor to the show. Who's Eric? I'm listening to the show and you just read my message from Eric. Bet Gubbins wouldn't have made that mistake. Love, Daniela Terhorst, otherwise known as Eric. One in the plus column.

No, that's a criticism of Gubbins also. Matt Turfrey. What's with our listeners' fucking names? What is happening here? Can we get some normal goddamn names? Thank God Doug Hoffman's next. Yeah. On last week's show, you were discussing the Hawaiian fires.

Mike talked about the one house that was spared. Mike said, quote, they contribute most of it that it was cleared right around the house. Incorrect. He should have said attribute. And I got this note from a number of people that you said that wrong. Did I really say contribute? Wow, that's not good. Not good.

You know, I contributed to my early onset dementia. Yeah, well, maybe you should attribute some money into your kid's college savings account. I should do that. Attribution? Yeah, well, maybe you should attribute some money into your kid's college savings account. I should do that. Attribution? Mike was so rattled by Dennis punting on the Sunday Funnies a week earlier and catching shit for it that he called the Farside comic about the porcupine woman the family circus because he described the Farside panel. Made your brain fart, but I blame it on Gubbins,

the voiceless whipping boy of your show. That's from Doug Hoffman. Boy, did I do that too? But, you know, I did do a family circus last week also, so maybe that was the confusion. You were a little distracted. I watched some of it, and you were doing some heavy lifting. You were trying to keep the energy up.

You were trying to drag something out of him. Oh, I thought you meant with you last week. Because a lot of heavy lifting. I had written all the articles, but I had read all of them and listed them. No, but he's talking about last week, I think. Oh, maybe it was last week. Yeah. Yeah, the porcupine woman was last week.

Rick Schwartz. Another correction. Rick Schwartz, who says you when you discuss the Maui fire. OK, this is a guy I know this said contribute, not attribute. But more importantly, Leonard Bernstein did did get plenty of tail. But it was not of the variety that you suspect. It was fairly well known among the artistic community that the maestro was a closeted gay man. His wife was well aware of his many dalliances, which became more flagrant and less discreet after his wife died. Leonard Buttstein. Sadly cognizant of the effects his lifestyle had on his wife and concerned about his career. Uh, he even underwent conversion therapy,

of course, to no avail, wait, Jewish conversion therapy. Cause they don't usually convert. Do they? So hold on. The guy who was very responsible for when you're a jet,

you're a jet and dancing in the streets might have loved a little of the penis. I don't know. Doesn't really add up to me. Taking gang street fights and making them prance around Spanish Harlem. I don't know. I don't think so. That's as straight as you can be. Yep.

That's as straight as you can be. Yep. And then Pat Lathrop said, how did you miss red-state-blue-state in your colors riff? Remember, we were talking about red-collar versus blue-collar versus red-blooded versus blue-blooded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And how some are rich and some are poor. And I missed the obvious low-hanging fruit of red-state-blue-state.

So is that blue blood, red neck? Yeah, blue states would be blue blood. Red states would be red neck. Right. It does get confusing, though, with blue collar comedy, which is red neck through and through. In fact, the number one star of blue collar comedy is bit is you might be a redneck. So I'm quoting. I know redneck now is a racist term, I believe. So but anyway,

it gets it gets blurry when you start to factor those in. OK, and then we got one from Greg Reinheimer, who says the movie Airplane Parody is the movie Zero Hour, not Airport. Mike alluded to you being wrong, but didn't correct you. The Zucker Brothers and Jim Abrams brought the rights to Zero Hour from Warner Brothers for $2,500 because they feared copyright infringement. Unnecessary. Total, like, textbook parody. Parody. Dead on parody. Well, $2,500 is an

easy insurance policy. Oh, yeah. Totally, totally. In your story about 700 gold coins thought to have been buried before and during the Civil War in Kentucky, Mike implied the value was based on the historical interest to get the losing sides money. Mike, Kentucky was on the winning side of the war.

They remained with the union and never seceded. Some of it. I'm going to look it up, but go ahead. Keep going. Well, I know Missouri was split. Missouri was a hybrid. As Chris Denman would know, he would have wished that the whole state was on the Confederate side, but in fact, only some of them were. I read this great biography.

What? First line on the dark, no, not the dark web, on Google, soldiers from Kentucky served in both the Union and Confederate armies. The state adopted a policy of neutrality until 1861, when a pro-Union element gained control of the legislature. Though Kentucky never seceded from the Union, there was a sizable pro-Confederate element in the state. I'd say we're both right. Yeah, everybody's right. You know who else is right?

The people that are getting online. But it was Confederate coins, though. Hold on. It was Confederate coins. I thought that was the thing. But I don't know that they were from that state. They were being carried by soldiers, and then they got buried along the way. I think that was the story.

It's still the losing sides of money. I don't know what I got wrong there. Anyway. You can't go wrong if you go to FitzDawg.com and you pick up some tickets for some upcoming tour dates. Irvine, the improv. It's about 600 seats.

I plan on getting at least 250 people in there. That's on September 10th. It's a Sunday night. Get on out. Escondido, which is down by San Diego. I'll be there September 22nd, 23rd. Then Shirley, Mass, October 5th. Manchester, New Hampshire on the 6th.

Nashua on the 7th. Foxborough on the 8th. The next weekend I'll be in Sacramento. And then Arlington, Virginia. Baltimore. Houston. Bakersfield, San Francisco, and Fort Worth. Get your tickets now. Live comedy, people. Love it.

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And for $64, you can go see him in two nights at the SoFi Stadium. That might be fucking fun. Going to see Metallica. I mean, $64. Why not? No, no. Greg, that's tonight. Oh, you're right. That's tonight. Because people have said that's the only earthquake we're going to, a lot of comments on tonight's earthquake at 8 p.m.

It's like, you're going to feel the earthquake tonight with Metallica. Dave Matthews banned all weekend for $86. I mean, it used to be Dave Matthews' ban was like 300 bucks a ticket. But with Game Time, you just keep an eye on it. And sometimes the longer you wait, the better. Because usually you stress out when you buy tickets and you're like, oh, what's the timing? Should I do it now? Should I lock in?

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You got the Dodgers at $9, I think I said. And of course, Los Angeles Sparks. Guess what they're at? It's for Tuesday's game. So keep in mind, it could go down a lot before Tuesday. Probably $50? $2. But I keep watching it.

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Listen, front page is here. Let's get a little paper going. Extra, extra, we all love it. Extra. Mike. Oh, that's a good cranking. I know you're very excited about this one. Well, I was excited. Scowling Donald Trump gives death stare, an unprecedented mugshot. Trump's perhaps most famous picture yet was taken on Thursday night while he was arrested and booked into Fulton County Jail for charges in the Georgia election interference case.

The ex-U.S. president furrowed his brows and frowned in the mugshot released by the Fulton County Sheriff's Office just before 9 p.m. He wore a red tie, white shirt and dark blue suit. His booking sheet. This is what we were all excited about. His booking sheet confirmed he was arrested. all excited about. His booking sheet confirmed he was arrested and then it recorded his height and weight. And there were bets that came up in Vegas, betting sites and sports books start. I think I forget what they put the over under at, but it was, it sounded obviously it was pretty accurate. I, in my opinion and everybody else's. And then they started the over-under, and then it was released. And it recorded him as 6'3 and 215 pounds. Did it include his head?

Blue eyes and, quote, blonde or strawberry hair. I think that's the wrong fruit. Isn't it an orange? If you see his picture, first of all, he looks like someone who's doing a bad Trump impersonation. Yeah. It's like it's exaggerated furrowed brow. And yeah, he with his like pouty fucking mouth.

And so that weight, a lot of people online now have found people who are 6'3 215 just so you can compare what 6'3 215 looks like on real people who are 6'3 215 versus trump just to give you the example that jumped out at me when muhammad ali fought frazier he was exactly 215 pounds of weigh-in and six three yeah and he was a he was a picture of the perfect male body. Specimen. Yeah. Current NFL player and NFL MVP Lamar Jackson. He's listed as 6'2", 2'12". Kirk Gibson, remember him? He was pretty studly looking.

When he played, his stats listed him at 6'3", 2'15". I think Gibson might have played football, too, earlier in his career. Terry Bradshaw, one of the best quarterbacks of all time. When he played, he was listed as 6'3", 215. Chris Hemsworth, right now, is 6'3", 215. I often think Trump and Thor is very similar. Very similar physique. Well, what are you?

How tall are you? 6'1"? I'm 6'1". Yeah. I'm probably a little shorter than that now. But yeah, I'm at my best 6'1". And right now I'm clocking in. 197 because I waited today.

Because, you know, I made a promise to myself. I'm never going above 200 pounds again. And when I do, that's the priority. And it never lasts more than like two or three days. Damn. But I'm going to have to lower that as I get weaker. And you know, as I, as I shrink into death, guess how tall I am. You present taller than you are. I always think you're like five,9 and a half or 5'10. 5'7 and three quarters. When you say it like that, it makes me feel sad for you.

Will you please just say 5'8? It's like a kid at the Special Olympics holding up his medal. Did you see the three quarters part? That's more than half. Can I round up? How much do you think I weigh? You complain about your belly, but you always look fit. I'd say you weigh 165. I've been 150 pounds for the last 20 years, give or take literally two pounds.

I've never swung more than two pounds from 150. What about when you're showing me your distended, starving child and African belly? Well, I have the twig-like legs to offset the weight of the belly. So I don't know how they let this out there about Trump. Like they clearly just asked him, but I don't know. Part of me is like, yeah, we don't need that. Like, for instance, there's no way in at an arrest. No, no, they do. Oh, really? No, that's why Vegas was off and running, because when they arrest you, they need that information.

Because let's say you're out on parole and you escape. They're like, he's a six foot two, you know, six foot three man. He's two hundred and fifteen pounds. And I they might even list identity, you know, identifying features. But I think that's why they do it. But it's a matter of how do you think it came out at two fifteen? You think he paid somebody off? No, I'm saying they probably asked him, you know, how tall, height and weight. But listen, no one's going to have a problem if he skips bail. And it's like, this can't be Trump. This guy's more than 215 pounds.

I mean, it looks just like him. But I mean, this guy's got to weigh 275. Right, right. I would say, in reality, I bet you if he's 6'3", he's coming in at 245, 255, easy. Yeah. I mean, people, no,, I think what was Vegas? What was Vegas set at, Chris? Can you look that up? It was North of 265.

Denman is guessing 280, but let's see what Vegas said. And what, Denman, what is he in your life size cutout that you have on your bedroom wall of him? Maybe that is probably the slender 215 and 63. Well, that thing's really heavy because it's covered in semen, and that's all protein. It'll really weigh down a cardboard cutout. All right. In the meantime, let's get on to this next one.

The only male member. Oh, hold on. 278.5. That's what betonline.ag put it at 278. And he said 215. I love it. Not even in the ballpark. It's like the old Lennon, you know, the Lennon posters where he just had the strongest chin ever and everything. And everyone who's seen the historical footage or knew him personally back then is like, wow.

It's quite a look he got in all these propaganda posters. Although, you know, Napoleon was actually not that short. He was like, I think he was 5'7". He's always depicted as being like 5'2". I was reminded this week Hitler had one ball. Did I forget that? Yeah week Hitler had one ball. Did I forget that? He had one ball. He didn't shoot it off

like a misfire right before he killed himself? No, well, that's why he got so much done because he didn't have two balls reminding him to jerk off all the time. He really was productive.

Yep. All right. The only male member of the NHS, Britain's health care system, was he was on this NHS team, won a sex discrimination case after his female boss told him to, quote, man up in front of a room full of women. Senior manager, senior manager Lisa Sanchez deliberately excluded Pete Marsh when saying goodbye, ladies, as she was leaving a meeting because of a growing animus towards him. An employee tribunal ruled in favor of Pete Marsh. Mr. Marsh, who has worked in the health service for more than 20 years, said he had grown tired of being the, quote, butt of jokes about being the only man on the team. My first takeaway is that Lisa is absolutely right. This dude needs to man up.

Man up. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. But then again, like, I mean mean, you got a man up when I started at Ellen and I don't think I've ever told this story before. And I'm starting to talk more about my experience on Ellen now that the show's off show and uh I got I got brought into Ellen's office by the head writer and the three other writers who were all women and I walked into the office so it's all women and Ellen looked at me and she goes so you're the new writer and she goes okay turn around let's take a look at you and i did i turned around and she looked at me is that crazy

but i laughed i didn't give a shit what do i care that lawsuit holds water now i know and you know when i this is very truthful when i read this story the good night ladies i had to read it two or three times because I'm like, whoa. So he she said goodnight ladies and did not include him. And that's why she's in trouble. I thought she said goodnight ladies to the guy that's not and including the guy that's not manning up. It's far worse if she included him in that. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right. It's just like you called me a 12 year old girl for writing. I listened to a great podcast, an amazing podcast. You love using women to insult men. pussy. You know, you're naming them after the female genitalia as if it's weak. It's the strongest organ in the body. It takes sperm and it's a factory. It takes it up and it creates life and then it delivers that life and then it urinates. It's amazing. All right. But listen,

All right. But listen, 100 out of 100 guys polled would answer the same to this question. Would you rather have a roommate who is a pussy or a dick? Pussy. A hundred percent, as I said. Right. Look at this guy. Man flees China on not a pussy at all. Man flees China on water scooter crossing 200 miles to South Korea. A Chinese man who washed up on South Korea's West Coast last week after crossing the Yellow Sea. That's its name. I did not. I did not add a joke there on a water scooter is thought to be a political dissident who was once imprisoned in China. The Korean Coast Guard said in a news release Sunday that an individual on an 1800cc red water scooter carrying more than 50 gallons of fuel had beached on Incheon's wetlands and was detained for crossing the border illegally.

Incheon's wetlands and was detained for crossing the border illegally. Kuan was jailed for 18 months in China for, quote, inciting subversion of state power after he posted speeches, images and videos on social media critical of the Chinese government. In one photo, Kuan wore a white T-shirt that linked China's top leader, Xi Jinping, to Hitler. A Chinese court said Kwan had insulted the state authority and the socialist system.

Well, if this does not sound like the origin story of a new superhero who gets around on a jet ski, I need this story. I need it.

Or maybe a new Mission Impossible franchise, Mission Improbable. There's no way he's going to make it. Or maybe a new Mission Impossible franchise, Mission Improbable. There's no way he's going to make it. The problem is every movie that's made in this country now, they first get it approved. Do you know this? That the big ones get approved and get notes from the Chinese government because for a movie to really make money these days, it has to play well in China. So there's no fucking way China is going to allow a movie about a guy jet it has to play well in china so there's no fucking way china

is going to allow a movie about a guy jet skiing out to play in the theaters yeah didn't we just talk about some movie had like a the taiwan was on the map right and china balked at it and it was a car oh barbie destroy the budget yeah it was barbie barbie had like a map of the world or whatever in taiwan was like a different color than China. And anyway, it was a big issue. Yeah. Yeah. You must have done that story with Dennis Gubbins.

I don't remember that one. Oh, maybe I did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or I might have done it with you. It's a toss up because he listens. You don't listen so hot.

Well, he listens because he's an improver. He listens and answers. Yeah. you don't listen so hot. Well, he listens because he's an improver. He listens and answers. Yeah. Well, first of all, what's with the jet ski? I mean, what's going on in China at this time of year? Was it spring break in Beijing? Did he have his T-shirt on the trip that said,

no fat chicks? His friend Ming Lau is on his way on a banana boat. You know, those like bouncy banana boats. Yeah. He soon was on a pedal boat. I want to go back. I want to find the footage of him, and I'm praying there's a Mirror of Titty City hat on him as he's washed up on the Korean beach.

Yeah. He's got a T-shirt with tits drawn on them. The Korean Coast Guard's like, well, yeah, I think he's an official because his shirt says Pussy Inspector. Oh, God. Oh, man, he was the coolest guy in China. Now they lost him. They lost him. They left a jet ski laying around. the coolest guy in China. Now they lost him. They lost him.

They left a jet ski laying around. He had to leave China. All that work for pussy inspectors dried up. He had to go to a new land. It's very complimentary of Korean women. Oh, God. All right, this story I put in last minute. You really didn't see it, but I thought it was interesting.

It's from the Jerusalem Post, and it's a philosophical question, and it's going to be, it's a new question. Are self-driving cars kosher? And they had all these rabbis chime in. But as an Orthodox Jew, in order to evaluate new realities, they're going to try to understand how they work and categorize them with an already existing precedent in Jewish law. There is one existing piece of technology that might offer a

clue, this rabbi said. It's the Shabbat elevator, which automatically stops and opens its doors at each floor, negating the need to press a button. Not everyone is happy with the Shabbat elevator. Many elevators make adjustments based on the weight of the passenger, he said, which negates their neutrality, so to speak. By contrast, a running escalator or moving walkway might be okay. If self-driving cars react to a passenger's weight or position, which I guess some of them do, that alone might rule them out for Shabbat use among observant Jews. Anyway, I know it's going to sound so insulting, but grow up. Honestly, grow up. Like, so I remember the first time I was in an elevator that stopped at every floor.

I almost lost my fucking mind. like so i remember the first time i was in an elevator that stopped at every floor i almost lost my fucking mind it was at cedars-sinai and it was on fridays and saturdays or i guess saturdays maybe it was and i'm trying to get upstairs you know to see someone and it's stopping and i just like so god doesn't see this little and use the fucking stairs. Also, a more sympathetic thing would be God bless you. But some of you are are, you know, like old and you shouldn't have to use the stairs, but just use an elevator. In other words, if you've already got approval for an elevator that stops at every floor, but you're not allowed to press buttons. You know what? Just use the elevator to get up to the poor person you're visiting in the hospital. Honestly. Yeah, it's a bit much. Well, I mean, it's hard to climb the stairs when you're wearing a fucking

body bag and and a and a beard that belongs in the Marx Brothers movie, you know, and a fence and a wig, you know, and but uh but but you know at least if they're if they're doing that if it's based on weight maybe this is how we can get trump's actual weight we just tell them that on the eighth floor there's a bunch of women in changing rooms and there's saudi businessmen on a spending spree. You know, Trump's running up there with a bunch of sheets with holes in them, just trying to get as much tail as he can. Yeah, right, right. Is that true?

What? Is the hole in the sheet thing true? That's an Amish thing I heard. No, no, no, no, no, no. Even Curb Your Enthusiasm did a thing about it. No, no. Conservative Jews, for sure. And, you know, and there's a thing and I wish I could quote it. I'm sure we could find an article.

But there is rampant STDs in the Hasidic community and an Orthodox community, because I guess there's probably the same amount of cheating that goes on with other populations. It goes on with other populations. And the whole machine, I guess it protects you from some things, but it's not going to protect you from STDs. I'll tell you that. Do you think teenage Orthodox boys jerk off through a sheet? I don't think self-soothing, which I love calling it. You need a sheet. I wish it was self-soothing for me.

For me, it's self-shaming. Snopes says sheet sex is a myth. Oh, okay. Well, Chris Denman thinks Judaism is a myth. So there you have that. Well, also for Chris, sex with somebody in a sheet is usually done around a flaming cross in the woods late at night um so this whole thing i mean with self-driving cars i mean you were sitting in a tesla if you're

in one of you know one of these self-driving cars i think some of them are teslas in san francisco where and maybe in israel i mean israel talk about tech tech, man. Our buddy Pete Scott's constantly, Tel Aviv is the Silicon Valley of that part of the world. Of the whole world. Maybe, yeah. And it's so high tech. Like, you're sitting in a Tesla, and you're splitting hairs between

did you press a button that triggered a circuit? Because that's what I read. And that's the technology they can't do. But you were sitting in this, one of the most technologically impressive pieces of machinery on our planet. It's not the time to split hairs. Well, it's also, if Elon Musk is in charge of the Tesla,

he will program it to take Jews to a sausage factory, because he does not like the Jewish people. Also, you know what I found when I looked some of this stuff up? It's interesting. So in Israel, there's more and more skyscrapers and they have these elevators and they've done these studies. When it stops at every floor, people in the building can wait for over 19

minutes for the elevator that stops at every floor. And they're like, well, listen, the original idea with the building was the conservative Jews are the ones that are going to, you know, recognize this, um, should be on the lower floors, but they're like, no, we like the views. We want the views and the elevator is going to stop on every floor going up to 34. Yeah. How about the technology of being on the 34th floor of a building? Right. You don't think there are circuits pumping your water up there?

Yeah. Oh, please. It's so ridiculous. Did I tell tell the story? So my kids technically are Jewish, which I should lead with before my anti-Semitic rants. So my mother-in-law, who's hysterical, my mother, ex-law, I guess, outlaw, my mother outlaw is, you know her, ex-law, I guess, outlaw. My mother outlaw is, you know her, Jill Hysterical. So in Jewish tradition, I don't know which tradition this is, but there's a tradition where you do not get any gifts for the baby before they're born. So we're pregnant with our first and all of a sudden they arrive with all these gifts. And she goes, Elliot, ask Mike if the garage is open. And I'm like,

what? And they're like, we have to put all the gifts in the garage. And I'm like, wait, I thought, by the way, there wasn't gifts because of, she's like, no, no, no, they're fine in the garage. I'm like, so are you telling me God's unaware I have a garage? This is child's play. This is hiding. This is like believing there's Santa. It's like hiding gifts in the garage because Santa's going to deliver them. Right. Well, the garage is a safe space.

The garage is the place you sneak off and smoke a cigarette when your wife isn't around. It's the place where a teenager hides a porn magazine. The garage doesn't count. I know, but I think part of it is probably, I'm sure, with the Jewish faith. Because, I mean, they, for good reason, are not the most optimistic people. And I think there's probably something in it where it may not, it's superstitious and you cannot get them. Maybe it's bad luck for the baby. Well, thanks. Cause you just in your belief system, just got all these gifts, but for

you, they're fine in the garage. Right. Well, my kid's going to pop out with four arms. All right. Let's get to some good news for Govans. Let's do it. My apologies to any Jews I offended. I had the all-too-common privilege of playing golf with Gubbins this morning. And, man, was he in rare form. Throwing clubs. No. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The fourth green, he threw his club because

he missed a putt and then uh and then i said to him he you know he gives mikey so much shit or anybody for talking within 60 seconds of his swing you're not allowed to talk and then he consistently talks during everybody else's swing including mine mine. And so I said to him, I go, Dennis, for a guy that criticized people for talking in their swing, I go, you do it all the time. And he goes, oh, and you're not a hypocrite. What about? And he starts listing off all the ways I'm a hypocrite, like just counterpunching the classic dysfunctional counterpunch instead of hearing what the person saying. or punch instead of hearing what the person's saying. And so then, but to his credit, further up the fairway, he apologized for talking and said that I was right and he'd be more aware of it.

I think he's owning his shit more and more. All right, I have a gubbin story on the golf course that involves rage. So the hurricane day, you know, the nasty, nasty hurricane. Well, I guess it was the day after. So every golf course in L.A. closed. By the way, the Apple store on the promenade, all of Santa Monica on the promenade was closed. You would have thought we had just heard aliens were landing. That's what this quote unquote hurricane was like. So anyway, every golf course closed, which is a big deal on a Sunday. You know, every municipal course in the largest city in America is closed.

So we show up the next day and we got because I was like, oh, no one will be out there. They're all still afraid. Everyone in town is afraid of puddles. So we'll get out there. So we have a noon tea time. Dennis shows up there a little early and goes, it says the gates locked. They're not going to open till noon. So we then both arrive at noon, exactly at noon.

And they had given away and there was a long line of people. And Gubbins would have, and this is to his credit, none of it. And started yelling. Wait, they gave away what? They gave away our tea time because we weren't there 10 minutes early, which is the rule. Uh-huh. And the guy, so now Dennis is yelling at the guy, the starter, and the starter is yelling at Dennis through the microphone over the PA system.

the microphone over the PA system. And at one point, at one point, the guy yells over it, watch your mouth. And Dennis doesn't miss a beat. And Dennis goes, watch your tone.

And he goes, you put a sign up on the face. The guy goes, the rules are you have to be here 10 minutes early. And Dennis goes, you put up a sign on a locked gate saying you're opening at noon. Look at your watch. It's exactly noon now. The guy then announced

to the line that he's letting and then yelled to the guy on the tee, you have to come off. These two are playing. So it worked. It worked. He. It worked? He took it back. And then what made me think of it was he apologized profusely. And the guy apologized to Dennis.

And it was a bit of a love fest. But that didn't happen until after nine holes. Whoa. How about that? Unbelievable. See the squeaky, annoying, loud, angry wheel sometimes gets the oil. That is exactly almost verbatim what I said to him as we were teeing off. All right, here we go. Let's do some entertainment.

All right. I love this. I saw this headline this week. Six years after the famous, infamous, I should say, Fyre Festival became synonymous with epic disaster, its founder announced he's relaunching the failed music and camping retreat, and its first drop of tickets have already sold out. Now, should we recap before we read this? Do we need to explain to people what the first Fyre Festival was, or does everybody know? No, no i'll get to that so after a stint in jail for fraud billy mcfarland the founder and organizer of the infamous fire festival in 2017 is back with his latest venture the same botched fest the first drop of 100 pre-sale tickets tore Festival 2 went on sale Monday for $500 each and sold out that day.

Virtually no details, just like the last one, were released about the event, which is, quote, targeted. It's targeted for the end of 2024 in the Caribbean or Caribbean. Don't write a correction, please. in the Caribbean or Caribbean. Don't write a correction, please. There were no lineup and no details about accommodation and the location was vaguely set as, quote, the Caribbean. The Bahamas Torah Ministry said last year the government, quote, will not endorse or approve any event on the islands associated with Mr. McFarland. More tickets are coming up soon, according to the website, dropping in tiers from $800 to an eye-popping $8,000 per ticket. Okay. Well, those won't be the only tiers associated with this event.

Exactly. There were a lot of tiers at the last event. So before the pandemic, there was this fire festival. He hired the top influencers. If you want to get caught up on what it is, you should see it anyway. I watched it again last night on Netflix, which is the better of the two. Two documentaries came out around the same time and everyone talked about, especially the one on Netflix, just go F Y R E. And you'll see it on your search results on Netflix and the documentary. It is a blow by blow, uh, account of this collapse, this unbelievable disaster. It is so, I don't know what was so satisfying. I guess it was satisfying to see a bunch of entitled douchebag influencers and the people that wanted to be around them end up in tents drinking their own piss and stranded. There was something very gratifying about that.

piss and stranded. There was something very gratifying about that. The documentary talks about that. Sites were created specifically outing the festivals, the lack of preparedness and how dangerous it was, and just relishing in every wrong move

they made and then the ultimate disaster. It was incredible. By the way, I forgot this detail. When this guy was named Billy, right? Yes. When Billy got, when the festival collapsed and he lost and he flew out, he had to escape. The Islanders were, anyone who could literally hold a shovel was hired at one point when they knew they weren't, you know, barely going to make this deadline. And so it was getting violent. They flew out when he escaped. Then he was arrested and he he made bail. And when he made bail, he started a fraudulent campaign promising packages to Beyonce concerts and all these and all these douchebags paid again. Yeah.

There were no tickets and he was using that money. You know, he had a bunch of these pyramid schemes where he used money to pay off former investors from a previous enterprise. Anyway, watch the documentary because I am going to watch this next Fyre Festival like a hawk. It's amazing. Yeah. If anybody's smart, they will buy tickets to this and they will get a camera crew and they will capture every month. Well, the last one had a lot of footage, but I want to see this. There is a part of you. Isn't there a part of you that wants to buy a ticket, though, and go and just show up with like a survival kit so you can get through it, but just to watch? Well, I remember I was talking about last time.

I'm like, I got to say something about this guy. He's like Trump. Every time his best friends, some of them, and everybody in this little pocket of employees was like, it's time to admit this isn't going to happen before something really dangerous happens. Like customs holding all their water. All of a sudden there wasn't going to be water. And he's like, no, he's like this. If you don't want to be part of this business meeting, which is about solutions, not problems, get out now. Like he was, he would not take any caution of course, but he wouldn't take no, no was not in his vocabulary except when he was rejecting everybody's sensible ideas. And so, um, there's something about a guy like that if he's aligned with a project that can

actually work cause he's not going to stop. So the most interesting thing about the documentary was the very end, which is giving nothing away. But at the very end, there were two interviews and they're like, I would not be surprised in the future if we saw his name again with another endeavor, because he is rather genius at separating rich people from their money. Right, right. And here we go again. Well, by the way, you can get tickets for the event on the Game Time app. And $20 off if you put in.

Dad men, dad men, scores. You're going to get $20 off your $8,000 ticket if you put in papers. Yeah, I just love that. By the way, I just bought some tickets for my kids to go to Action Park in Pennsylvania. They're reopening it. That's perfect. All right, you want to do this next one? Yeah, so Oliver Anthony.

It's a mouthful. I'm not reading all that is they, uh, I just like, uh, pointing out when I've been right. So conservatives have now turned on this musician, Oliver Anthony, who kind of had that anthem, uh, Richmond, North of Richmond, which went crazy viral. which went crazy viral. And I think last week when we talked about it, I said the right had grabbed onto it and it adopted this guy. And I said, they better not, you know, they better slow their role because I'm not reading it as a conservative when, you know, and you and I talked about it. When you're that anti-rich, that's not going to work for Republicans. And hopefully this guy realizes that when he's coming up with these anti-rich sentiments. And sure enough, he this week, the Republicans, he this guy made a they found old footage of him where he was giving an interview and he goes, let's face it. The best thing about America is its diversity.

Conservatives are like, T.O. T. the fuck. Oh, what did he just say? Fella, you're in our camp. No one says that. What are you talking about? These are crazy words. And so then this week he filmed himself. I think he was in his pickup truck when it was raining. And he goes, it's aggravating seeing people on conservative news try to identify with me like I'm one of them. It's aggravating seeing certain musicians and politicians act like we're buddies and act like we're fighting for the same struggle here, like we're trying to present the same message. And he also said was critical of the left. And he's like, I'm not part of any politics. That's my whole point. And he goes, that song has nothing to do with Joe Biden. It's a lot bigger than Joe Biden. That song was written about the people on that stage, meaning that the Republican convention, because all of them tried to own him and like align themselves with them.

like align themselves with them. And it's about them and a lot more, not just about them, but definitely them, meaning his criticisms were about them. And so, I mean, I said it last week, the right has to check themselves when they're aligning themselves with a guy who's anti-rich. Like, what don't you get about that? Can I point out another glaring example of that contradiction? Yeah. Jesus Christ. I mean, the Republican Party is a shrine to Jesus Christ and Christianity. Meanwhile, Jesus only cared about the poor. That was his number one message, was the last shall be first.

He used to wash the feet of the homeless. He used to help prostitutes. He was a caring, loving guy who hated people with money. And he also wore a dress and had long hair. I believe he was transitioning. It's entirely possible. Here come the letters. Yeah.

Also, yeah, I think he stated that the two enemies of his were the Romans and the rich Jews, who the Romans had basically bought to work out this indentured system that would indenture poor people like serfs. And they would give these loans knowing that they couldn't make good on the loans on the land. Anyway, we could go on and on, but absolutely— Great book about it called Zealot. Absolutely prioritize the poor. Yes. All right, let's get to—wait, what section are we in?

Let's lighten it up with Lady Diana. Lady Diana. Lady Diana. When the crown concludes its sixth and final season later this year, anxiously awaiting fans will get to see how the tragic death of Princess Diana will play out on screen. Producers Anne Harries and Susan Mackey claim that they filmed the passing of Diana with, in quote enormous sensitivity the pair noted the pair noted that yeah the red-headed son jumps in the car and pulls her out uh the pair noted that the death scene uh she died at the age of 36 in a fiery crash in paris will be shown in early episodes of the season.

The show might be big and noisy, but we are not. We're thoughtful people and we're sensitive people. There were very careful, long conversations about how we were going to do it. But I think it's been delicately, thoughtfully recreated. Yeah, they described it as tasteful. Like, you know, like Cinderella meets Formula One. Yeah, they described it as tasteful. Like, you know, like Cinderella meets Formula One. I hope nobody spoils this ending for Meghan Markle, because I don't think she has any idea how Harry's mom died.

Just like she didn't know the royal family was, like, impossible for Diana and so cruel to her, or that the British monarchy was racist. She seemed not to know any of that. She had a little blind spot about the royal family. Meanwhile, Charles will be watching this crash with like some Juergens lotion and a Kleenex. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to him. Fucking loved it.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, my God. All right. Candle in the wind. Candle in the wind. This next story is called Who Hefner? Because me and Mike are trying to write funny headlines. I gave up on this one.

Marston Hefner, the son of Hugh Hefner, and Kimberly Conrad, has accused his family of not fully supporting his foray into OnlyFans despite their own history with Playboy. The 33-year-old said that his family had a double standard when it comes to nudity and sex work and feel they believe it's not as acceptable for men to strip down as it is for women. and feel they believe it's not as acceptable for men to strip down as it is for women. Quote, you can be the CEO of people getting naked, but don't be the person getting naked, he told the outlet. You can pay sex workers, but you can't fucking be one? This is fucking bullshit.

That upsets me. So he said he noted that his comfort with sex work comes from being raised around nudity in the Playboy Mansion. Can you imagine growing up in the Playboy Mansion? Like most kids have a Playboy hidden under their mattress. His mattress is hidden under the Playboy Mansion. It was hard enough for us to even get an issue of Playboy. Right. My mom posed for Playboy.

I was never ashamed of it. I mean, I didn't want to see her naked, but it was just also normal. I, I didn't want to, but I also did not want to see her naked. I mean, she's a beautiful woman and I'm, I'm, I'm still a boy. I'm not, I'm not, not want to, it's not, not the same as wanting to and the masturbating that that's wrong especially when she's laundering the sweat sock i defile but i'm not not wanting how about yeah you know listen i grew up and then you know right after or right before my mom when hef was in there with eight women and two of them working the pump to get his penis up like i didn't want to see that but i want to unsee it it's impossible though what i didn't want to see that, but I want to unsee it. It's impossible, though. What I didn't want to see is that my mom was delegated to being one of the pumpers.

I just felt like, why should she be supporting the other women? And, you know, and the kid also said, you know, luckily, out of respect, none of my friends looked at the photos of my mom. Like, I remembered when they would all hang around at my house every day even kids i didn't know it was very supportive it was it was weird though my mom said she lost a lot of underwear on those days that's why she was naked all the time can you imagine that you're going to school with a kid whose last name is Hefner who can invite you over to a play date, and you're 14, and you go to a play date at the Playboy Mansion.

It's not like there's a safe exit in where you're not seeing a bunch of women in lingerie. I mean, I don't know. I don't know what a day in the life of the Playboy Mansion is, but what a fucking dream for a 14 year old. Yeah. You're dropping your kid off. Like, do not go in their hot tub. It's in a rock structure. There might be a sign saying Grotto. You are not to go in that, you know, because kids are underwater. They're spitting water when they come up. It's in their mouth. It's everywhere.

Yeah. He comes he comes back into the car. You're like, son, you got a little snot under your nose. Oh, you don't have a runny nose? Also, why did I have to wait outside? Are parents not going to these play dates? I think you need a chaperone. Right. Big announcement. This is out of Variety Magazine this week. Freestyle Digital Media the digital film distribution division of Byron Allen's Allen Media Group

has locked down the rights to The Road Dog a dramatic comedy set in the world of stand-up that stars veteran comic Doug Stanhope

and Greg Fitzsimmons there he is the film the film will enjoy a week-long theatrical engagement at the Pickwick Theater in Chicago and become available across North America on October 6th. It goes on to talk about the producers and all that, but it's big news.

The movie, I shot it in January, and it got distribution. It's coming out. No, I know. I remember this really well. I'm so psyched It's coming out. No, I know. I remember this really well. I'm so psyched it's coming out. Doug does such an amazing job. I mean, he pulls some depth out of this role. And if you saw, did you see the episode of Louis where he played a comic who was like suicidal?

No, I don't think I did see that. I want to. He got rave reviews for it. And this was kind of similar to that role. But it's very dark, but it's funny. And yeah, so we'll see what happens with it. It already won some awards. He's won some awards in some festivals.

Oh, wow. He's gone to a bunch of festivals. Yeah. So that's that. All right, let's make America Florida. Oh. Yeah. So that's that. All right. Let's make America Florida. We do it every week. On August 16th, a Marion County Sheriff's Office deputy was conducting radar enforcement when an orange pickup truck came barreling past the patrol car. Radar confirmed the vehicle was going 89 miles an hour in a 45 zone.

The deputy activated his emergency lights and siren. The driver of the truck, later identified as 41-year-old James Ricks, fled from the deputy and then turned off the lights on his truck in hopes of eluding the deputy. But the deputy caught up with him. Huh? Very clever. Very clever. Racing down a dark road at night. Turn off the lights.

The deputy said he could smell alcohol coming from his breath and that he was unsteady on his feet. During the stop, Ricks can be seen, this is the best part, wearing a T-shirt saying, I'm the reason the beer's always gone. I hope that's on police cam, whatever that is, the officer cam. The sheriff's office said Ricks failed his field sobriety exercises.

He was transported to the Marion County Jail. He provided breath samples of.204 and.200 almost three times over the legal limit. What did you expect? The beer is all gone. It's all gone. His T-shirt tells you. And his wife has a T-shirt that says he's the reason i have a black eye and i duck when there's a loud noise his son has a t-shirt that says i'm the reason daddy drinks

guns don't kill people i do he's gonna wear that to his homicide i have seen cars with fuck the police written in the back window though which you know have you ever seen that like fucking low riders with fuck the police i have never seen that like that is yeah you're not talking your way out of a ticket can i get a warning i don't know i think you kind of gave me a warning with that bumper sticker. I think I put in this Florida one, this dolphin one, right? Go for it. Yeah. A baby dolphin has been found dead in Florida,

and investigators believe it's the same one used in an Instagram photo op by two guys just days before. The deceased bottlenose dolphin was found near Jacksonville Wednesday. The deceased bottlenose dolphin was found near Jacksonville Wednesday. Officials can't yet tell if the animal was already dead at the time of the pick. I mean, what a way to die in the hands of a couple of meth-addicted Florida men with mullets. The dolphin was like, why couldn't I have just gotten strangled in a tuna net like a normal dolphin? Yeah.

Also, Jacksonville's, I'm just looking it up fairly inland yes it is i mean i know they and also john's river or whatever but yeah it's not miami i mean why has he got a dolphin he's at jacksonville go pick up a jaguar you pussy you want to pick up an animal get a fucking black jaguar. We're hearing too many stories of Florida drunks posing with wild animals down there. Yes. And recording it for everybody. Yeah. All right. Well, let's make Australia Florida.

I love the irony in this. An Australian man gets bitten by a venomous snake. Normally not a headline. Wait for it. In England. Yes. He said, I don't think I stepped on it. I've done a fair bit of bushwhacking out in Australia,

so my eyes are pretty well trained to looking at the path ahead. I had a sensation come from the right-hand side. I thought it was a wasp or a bee. I couldn't believe it when I saw the snake, which was an adder. Also, such dumb luck. Later on that day, a British dingo ate his baby.

No, really? Yes, yes. It's just, this should be the irony. Ironic headlines. That's what this section should be. It's like when I leave California and I go to Tennessee, and then all of a sudden I'm dead naming all the trans people and constantly screw up pronouns there.

I'm like, wait a minute. Not here. That happens at home every day. but i'm in tennessee right oh that's fucking crazy jesus i didn't i'd never well there's no there are literally no snakes in ireland which was so great when i played golf um you couldn't you could go in the woods and look for your ball like i don't go in the woods that much in California. Or if I do, I'm very careful looking for snakes. Oh, if I hike alone, like even like Topanga or any of those places,

I mean, there's a million signs saying rattlesnakes, rattlesnakes, rattlesnakes. And you hear about people seeing them. And by the way, rattlesnake, greatest snake in the world with the warning device. That's the greatest thing ever. Right. It's very cool of them. Every other snake is a sneaky bastard. Yep.

I'm always amazed when I see the people that like a rattlesnake lunges for them and they grab the rattlesnake by the neck and they catch it. I don't think I've seen that. I'll send you some YouTube videos. I know people wind up holding rattlesnakes, you know, right by the neck, pinching it underneath. But by the way,

if you really have to hold the rest of the body, I've seen so many videos where the snake gets unheld. Of course they can wiggle out of that shit. Yeah, right. I mean, you better hold on for dear life. I think I've only seen one rattlesnake in my life. It was in Yosemite, and it had a squirrel's tail hanging out of its mouth with the bulge of the squirrel in its neck.

It was insane. Well, that, that point you can go over and pet the goddamn thing. Right, right. Yeah. Um,

all right, let's do some sports. Yeah. Spain soccer boss Luis Rabalas is under FIFA investigation for planting an unwanted kiss on one of his players following the country's World Cup victory this week. Wait, the World Cup was this week? Yeah.

Spain won last week, Sunday. Oh, this is the women's. Oh, Jesus Christ. They don't mention it's the fucking women. Oh, God. So they said that the FIFA disciplinary committee has informed Rubelis that it is opening proceedings against him. He might have violated rules dictating quote, quote, offensive behavior and violations of the principles of

fair play. For the unsolicited kiss of midfielder Jenny Hermoso, Rubelis is 46. He's gotten a rebuke for his actions. He was also photographed carrying a player over his shoulder and grabbing his crotch.

So he's grabbing his own crotch while carrying a player on his shoulder and grabbing his crotch so he's grabbing his own crotch while carrying a player on his shoulder i'm hoping it was his own so after initially acting defiant rebellious apologized saying i made a mistake for sure i have to accept it in a moment of such emotion without any bad intention or bad faith, what happened happened in a very spontaneous way. I mean, are we talking about soccer here? Is this not the sport where the men literally maul each other, pat asses, they stroke their faces, they kiss their heads, they pile on top of each other? Give me a break.

Come on, women, you want to play fucking soccer? This is how it's played. Yeah. We're also talking about Europe for Christ's sake. Yeah. And what does it mean? She didn't consent. Was there a questionnaire and then he ignored it? I mean, his initial defense said he did ask. He said, this is so great. Congratulations. He talked about some shots she either missed or made or whatever. But he talked about her play specifically and goes, congratulations. And I think he's like, and may I give you a kiss? Congratulatory kiss.

And he said she said okay. Well, what more can you ask? But, like, it is a slippery slope. Like, and and you know, I don't think he kissed her on the lips or anything like that, but still like a hug could very easily be the same thing. In other words, I did not ask this man to hug me.

I did not consent to a hug. You just think they, he's been coaching her for who knows how long, maybe years and you establish boundaries. He wasn't a coach. He was, he was the boss of FIFA. No, no, he wasn't a coach. He was the boss of FIFA. Oh, no, no, no.

He was a Spanish soccer boss on one of his players. Yeah, no, no. He's the coach or the president or something of the team. All right. But I can tell you, every female in my life, I can tell you whether or not I hugged them, I kissed them on the team. All right. But I can tell you every female in my life, I can tell you whether or not I hugged them. I kissed them on the cheek. There's a select few, like my,

my wife's friend, Sarah, we kiss on the lips for some reason. I don't know why, but we do. You've never kissed another woman on the lips. Who's a friend. I mean,

I kiss Sarah on the lips, but it means a lot more than just like a hello uh no so uh no i do not kiss i don't kiss anyone on the lips except the person i'm seeing not it's not a rule i don't think about it i kiss i kiss your I kissed your girlfriend on the lips. Oh. Okay. Well, that's the last time I kiss her on the lips. Fuck that noise. I'm kissing everyone she's kissed recently. All right. Kevin Hart revealed he's in a wheelchair after trying to race former NFL running back Stephen Ridley.

Guys, I blew my shit, the Jumanji star announced on Instagram, tore my lower abdomen, my abductors are torn. I don't even know what that is, but I tore them. I can't walk. Hart, 44, rolled himself in the wheelchair for the camera while blaming his predicament on being over the age of 40. I tried to jump out there and do some young stuff, and I was told to

sit my ass down so uh which actually reminds he he uh it comes from uh a debate that he had with retired patriots player 34 who was faster and it reminds me and i'm not kidding, of when I saw him about three months ago try to go on stage with Chris Rock. And he went on first and he did very nicely, did well. And then Rock went on and fucking blew him out of the water. So much, so much stronger. I was going to say this. I'll go try to find the footage. much stronger. I was going to say this. I'll go try to find the footage. I'd like to laugh at anything Kevin Hart's involved in, and that hasn't happened in a long time.

So maybe I'll go find this footage. Well, he's in a wheelchair. Hopefully he doesn't have to fly from JFK to Palm Beach because- Where everyone gets out of them? Everyone gets out of them. Yeah. Now, first of all, all right, from what I see, because he won't let you not see it, he works out with trainers every single day, sometimes at like 5 a.m. or some bullshit. Yeah, he's ripped. He puts it in all of our faces. Yeah. And over 40 40 so what happened how did this happen to him i don't know maybe like he just didn't stretch or uh pushed himself

too hard i think he gets to a certain age you can't sprinting is a young man's game you can't sprint in your 40ies. He taught. No, we've both sprinted. You've tore everything. I mean, my Achilles one when I was in my early forties, but yeah,

I was playing hoops, but like you can. No, I remember even until recent when my kids think they're faster than me, I show them what's what, but it's like, and I'm not even that fast, but I'm faster than them.

But tearing your abductors and lower abdomen like that's that's serious i think it's like it's almost like when you try to put a corvette engine into like a gremlin body like he has worked out his muscles to the point where they are huge and strong but he still has the core of a guy in his 40s, and you can't push. Like, you and I have sprinted, but not the way he probably sprinted. He put on sneakers, they went to a track, and he went balls out. When I sprint now, there's a part of me that's going, okay, give it about 85% here.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm the same way with sex. About 85%, and I'm good. Everybody's good at 85%. Yeah. All right, let's do this day in history. Yes, sir. August 23, 1989, the year we graduated college. As punishment for betting on baseball, Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose

accepts a settlement that includes a lifetime ban from the game. A heated debate continues to rage as to whether Rose, a former player who remains the game's all-time hit, I didn't realize that, all-time hits leader, should be given a second chance. hit. I didn't realize that. All-time hits leader should be given a second chance. Whoa, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. Although gambling on a sport you play or coach is now considered unacceptable in nearly all levels of sport,

it was relatively common among those connected with baseball in the early 20th century. He wasn't the early 20th century. He wasn't the early 20th century. Keep reading. Some of baseball's most talented and well-known players, such as Turkey, Mike Donlan, and Hal Chase, as well as manager John McGraw, who publicly won $400 when his New York Giants won the World Series in 1905,

were often suspected of gambling on their own games chase was considered a dangerous man to have on a team because of his willingness to make extra money by dropping fly balls or misplaying first base wow this all changed however after the white socks purposefully lost the world series in 1919 for a payoff from gambler Arnold Rothstein. Outraged, a group of baseball's faithful, including American League Commissioner Ban Johnson, whatever, among others, made it a priority to clean up the game and repair its reputation.

One of his first moves was to ban eight White Sox players found to be involved for life. Shoeless Joe Jackson, one of the greatest players in baseball history, was banned for life. Say it ain't so, Joe. So now you're not allowed to do it. It was well known in baseball circles since the 70s that Pete Rose had a gambling problem.

Although at first he bet only on horse races and football games, allegations surfaced in early 89 that Rose was not only betting on baseball, but on his own team. The commissioner began an inquiry. They hired a lawyer. They compiled hundreds of hours of testimony, and it included him betting on his own team. Rose continues to proclaim his innocence.

He was eventually persuaded to accept a settlement that included a lifetime ban at a press conference. It was he said it was a no contest plea. So anyway, you hear all the time people saying that he should be allowed into the Baseball Hall of Fame because of because he was so great. And it preceded this gambling thing. But I guess not. Yeah, I think it's a complicated issue, actually. Not for some, not for many, I guess. But, yeah, I don't know.

It helps that he's betting on his own team, but, of course, that's a problem as far as gambling goes, because you definitely would coach differently based on an over-under or something like that. Or let's say you got a pitcher in who's hot. You got a guy in who's hot. He's playing really well, but you're in a seven-game series or a five-game series, and you leave that pitcher in because he's hot.

Meanwhile, he's got to go back on the mound again maybe in four days, and he should be resting his arm and not throwing more than 100 pitches, but you're keeping him in because on this game, you got money. Yeah, or you play aggressively in the eighth and ninth inning because you want more runs, but you've already won it. Right. And, of course, that could open you up. Whatever.

You play differently, of course. But, yeah, the guy is one of the best hitters ever. Now, what does that mean? He has the most actual hits in baseball history? Yeah, I mean, I think is it over 3,000? I thought that was like Joe DiMaggio. No, no, no, no. Rose is...

What about Derek Jeter? 4,256 hits. It's followed by Ty Cobb and Hank Aaron, who were 4-189 and 3-771. So only two guys, it seems, hit over 4,000 hits. Wow. But why do you think that those are so long ago? Why don't you think that there's more recent people breaking it? Oh, Jesus.

Baseball nerds will give you the longest answer ever. I'm sure it has to do with pitching. I think they moved the mound closer. There's a lot of rules that have changed also. But no matter what, he's one of the greatest hitters ever. Yeah, because if you look at – I'm looking at the list now. I mean, Pete Rose was by far the most recent. Ty Cobb, Hank Aaron, Stan Musial.

Oh, Derek Jeter was number six. So he's by far the only contemporary. But, you know, also baseball changed. Also baseball changed, and I know we're going to get so many corrections, but baseball changed. I believe it was much more of like a just get on base mentality, advance the runners. You know, I think that's called a little old school now.

It wasn't like a home run showcase. There were far less home run hitters back then. Yeah. So all of that. Cal Ripken Jr. is in the top 20. But I think he is probably the longest running player in the league, I would guess, right? I don't think anybody played more games than Kyle Ripken Jr.

Oh, yeah, Ripken. Well, he had that streak, I guess. He also overstayed his welcome in Baltimore. He got to the point where he was a lag on the team, but the fans liked him so much they couldn't get rid of him, and he should have just quit. No, there's also – do you know about the game he was hurt or sick there's something about i'm gonna put ripken lights uh there's a conspiracy theory you want to hear it yeah it. It involves Kevin Costner. Really? August 14th, 1997. So two years before

this Pete Rose verdict. That's when, according to a since debunked legend, the Baltimore Orioles successfully canceled the game after their star player, Cal Ripken, the junior, the Ironman who was in the midst of extending his all-time record 2,431 consecutive games played, supposedly told the team he couldn't play. The conspiracy theory purports that Crash Davis himself, Kevin Costner, was sleeping over at Ripken's house. And after Ripken caught Costner sleeping with his wife, Kelly, a fight ensued, according to an anecdote made famous by two national sports radio hosts in 2001. The Orioles shut off a bank of lights along the first baseline, claimed it was a power failure and sent the crowd home in order to preserve his streak. Costner called the aforementioned radio show the day after to vehemently deny the salacious rumors. Costner told the host he had met Ripken's wife, Kelly, twice for what might have amounted to 10 minutes.

The Field of Dreams star added that he never had been inside Cal's house. Anyway, I guess there was another one, but I can't find it here. Wait, so he fucked Cal's wife for less than 10 minutes outside the house? Seems weird. Yeah. But still fight worthy. Fight worthy for sure. By the way, just went to Wikipedia to look up most games played.

Guess who's number one? Under most games played? Most games played in Major League Baseball. Who's number one? I thought it was Cal Ripken. Right. Gaylord Perry was a pitcher, so he won't have the most games, but he had one of the longest careers.

Most games played. I mean, probably Ripken. Pete Rose. No. Yes. 3,562. Number two is Carl Yastrzemski, then Hank Aaron, then Ricky Henderson

from your Yankees. Well, Oakland A's, mostly, I'd say. Ty Cobb, Stan Musial, all the usual names. Cal Ripken's number 10. Dave Winfield from your Yankees. And Toronto Blue Jays. Reggie Jackson from your Yankees.

I used to know sports. Who? Alex Rodriguez from your Yankees. Reggie Jackson. You're mentioning all people who the Yankees bought late in their career. Wow, a lot of Yankees. That's crazy. Greg Nettles was a Yankee, right?

Of course, third baseman. I wonder if they include playoffs because then the Yankees have an advantage. Right, right. Every year that might be 10 more games. Enough of this geeky shit. All right, let's get to... Might be more. And that's all, folks.

Very sad. That was a sad, slow crinkle. This is sad. Very sad. That was a sad, slow crinkle. This is sad. This is from a listener who wanted to give us some sad news. And my name is Lauren, former Logo Submitter. I wanted to reach out and let you know that this past Monday,

Michael Solomon unexpectedly passed away. He had submitted many logos and theme songs to the show, and he was always so excited when you chose his work to be featured and gave him shout outs. He loved listening to your podcast, and it was a part of our Sunday morning routine. I want to thank you both for giving us some happy memories and laughing with you over the podcast and giving Michael a platform where people could appreciate the work his creative, hilarious, and insane brain created. Attached is a pin we found that was part of his collection. It was a Greg Fitzsimmons pin. He was a huge fan and will be missed by many. Thank you and take it, Ish.

So I wrote her back and I said, what happened? And she said he had an undiagnosed heart condition. The last few months he'd spent uh every day fixing up a koi pond that had been neglected for a decade in his apartment complex they sent some nice pictures oh that's so that's from lauren miggins so um i and i remember him well we used to correspond by email he as i said the logo and the theme song are one of many that he sent us over the years. He will be missed. I was very sad

to hear this. In his memory, we thank him for... I'm touched by anybody that submits their art or their music to us. It's such a gift that we can't thank you guys enough for and when somebody does it as consistently as he did it's very it's you know it's very

appreciated it's yeah and that logo is uh we talked that week uh about my stepbrother's book and he took the cover and he and he and he transformed it into a uh our artwork for the podcast that week that's when we were getting we we told we're like we only need 10 people to buy this book and i'll send it like up the charts of i think it was like fishing books on amazon and that's exactly that's exactly what happened but no anyone who takes the time like this and i remember a lot of his artwork and and also just anyone who makes it part of their routine and, and, and weekly listening. It's, it's very, very flattering. And, uh, yeah. And really quite like honored, you know, there's no other word for it. Yes. Yes. It makes me feel like, you know, we put this podcast out and it's not like standup

where I can see people's faces and you get the feedback i mean we're just putting it out and to get this kind of art and music sent in makes you really feel appreciated and like like this show means something to people and i mean maybe what's saddest is that your pins cause heart complications. Well, he wasn't supposed to jam it in. He was supposed to clip it on with the backing. Craig, I would have said maybe just leave my inappropriate comment there. Don't build on it.

That is not a yes and. That is a whoa, whoa, whoa. Michael would have loved it. Yes. All right. Rest in peace, Michael., whoa, whoa. Michael would have loved it. Yes. All right. Rest in peace, Michael. No doubt, man. And to his family and everyone and her.

And thank you for sending it in. All right. Let's cheer up, Mike. Let's cheer up a little bit. All right. And do some funnies. Sunday funnies. Let's do it.

Let's start out with the Lockhorns. Leroy is, he's got a bottle of beer and a sandwich and he's walking to the chair and Loretta looks at him

and goes, when the doctor told you to walk two miles a day, he didn't mean between the TV and the fridge. Now look, that's just sitting there.

That's the kind of joke that you hear, but it's just a good joke. It's just a solid piece of comedy from a comic strip. That's all sitting there. That's the kind of joke that you hear, but it's just a good joke. It's just a solid piece of comedy from a comic strip. That's all I ask. Right, yeah. He's getting his steps in. I got it.

Yep. Hager the Horrible is talking to the boys, his troops. They're all armed and dangerous. And he says, remember men, setting your sights high is the secret to achieving great success and then a very sexy woman walks by and they all leer

and they start looking really rapey and he goes too high too high i mean this woman why in the middle ages you would walk around with a slit skirt and like a little fucking micro top on your titties and a flower in your... Are you asking for it? There's a reason why women in the Middle Ages wore burkas. You're trying to hide from these animals. And they're setting their rape sites. That's what we're talking about here. They're setting their rape sites. That's what we're talking about here. They're setting their rape sites very high.

But what's interesting, though, is there's a limit, seemingly, to their rape sites. Like, Hager, the head rapist, is like, the horrible rapist, is like, no, no, no. She might even be out of our rape class. Right, yeah. That's what he's telling them. Yeah, they, no, no. She might even be out of our rape class. Right, yeah. That's what he's telling them. Yeah, they need to look poor. She looks well off. Yeah.

Aim the rape site a little bit lower. That's out of our league. That's out of our rape league. I pushed your comic down, so you've got to go past Melandi. This was funny. It's from a listener, Scott. He sent it in. He goes, hey, Fitz dog and Mike, a fellow worker of mine is always baffled why I call her how when she wears this dress. One day I'll tell her to get each. So he sent in a picture of his co-worker with this shirt that has this circles this uh a bunch of circles and it looks

centric concentric was the word i was looking for concentric circles won't do like five of them and it looks like a target and then of course it's we've we've done this before i think the famous far side where there's two deer in the forest. They're both standing there, which is very odd looking and funny. And one of them has that concentric circle pattern on their chest. And the other goes, bummer of a birthmark, Hal. It's maybe the quintessential far side cartoon. One of the top five. It's great. Yep. so that's very funny yeah

here's my thing never tell her why you're calling her how just wait till human resources ask you one day that's all right right um all right i don't know where to start with this one. Dopey Dagwood is laying on the couch, eyes closed, lips puckered, arm flayed out on the ground, and Blondie, who's got an apron on. So it's clearly like your typical fucking Saturday. She is doing housework. He's just laying there

as if he's worked hard all week, as if he hasn't been napping at his desk or eating cheeseburgers at that greasy deli. This piece of garbage has the balls to lay there while she cooked. And she goes, honey, are you still napping? All sweet. And he goes, no, I'm visualizing myself lying under some palm trees on a beautiful Hawaiian beach. And she goes, can you take a break and tighten the pipe under the sink, you know, so I can fix dinner? And now he's under the sink and he goes, the view is much better under those palm trees. Yeah, it is.

You know what else is a good view? You in a Motel 6 after this chick finally grows some self-esteem and throws you the fuck out. You want to dream about palm trees on the couch? How about you stand next to her while she's doing dishes and you dry them? And then you take her upstairs and you fucking go to town on that blondie. It is so outrageous. This is what I was hoping for. he gets under the sink and he dies

because he's electrocuted because she with the with the uh like the contractor that she's sleeping with has shorted wires under the sink it's wet under there he lies in a puddle under the sink and he's electrocuted by design. Oh, would it be so? Would it be so, Mike? Right? I mean, and then I'm going to talk to whatever this guy's name is that does this comic strip, and I'm going to just send

him a headshot and say, make me the new husband. For the love of God, put me in the strip! Yeah. That would be perfect. of God. Put me in the strip. Yeah. That would be one time. Perfect. All right. Listen, we want to thank our sponsors who week in and week out support our show so we can pay Midcoast Media and bring the shows to you.

So support them. If you're going to go to a concert, if you're going to go see some theater, sports, go to Game Time. And when you go there, put in code PAPERS, and you're going to get $20 off your first purchase. Also, the fine folks over at Factor want to feed you. Use code PAPERS50 and get 50% off. Also, thank you, Chris and Key and Beth and and john everybody at midcoast media there's a new guy's his name andy what was the new guy's name i can't remember thank you to him are you i was

asking you but uh oh jeepers i've already checked out oh all right. Well, listen. It's Hal. Hal. It's what? Hal. Yeah. Bummer of a birthmark. Bummer of a job, Hal. All right, listen, we'll see you on the beach this weekend, Mike. Can't wait. You got it, Pally. Welcome back again. Thank you. And I think everybody should. Oh, yeah. How many hours till the earthquake three and a half three hours to the earthquake i can't wait it's it's good and you're not going to penmar tonight are you no i got shows it's gonna happen in a comedy club all right good luck with that everyone should take it each take it each sunday papers with gibbons and fits sunday papers forget about Take it easy. If I catch you watching anything that ain't the Sunday papers, I will blow your brains all over the walls, and your mother won't stop crying until the day she dies, and you ain't gonna have an open casket funeral, you stool pigeon scumbag.

Take it easy.