Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 181 9/10/23

Episode Date: September 10, 2023

Delta flight has some diarrhea, The Boss calls in sick, a whorehouse is offering Mormons a discount and it’s the 125th anniversary of the 1st DUI!

i'm accepting that and then i'm pressing record check check check check check okay check check check hey now hey now and then you're gonna do a little clappy clap clapping in five four three there you go three two one that's my clap read all about it read all about it y'all read all about it y'all Mike Gibbons coming from Texas hell yeah baby that's a Texas accent huh how's Texas is it hot I can't hear you because it's so hot that's how hot it is really you ready I'm just gonna really here we go it is uh what's today? Friday? Yep. Friday. And it is 2 p.m. in the 2 in the p.m. And I'm going to press this and local weather. Can you read what it says? 105, baby. 105 degrees. That's all. But don't worry. It'll be 106. I will check this by the end of the podcast. And back here in Venice Beach, California, we got a smooth 79.

Look at that. That's so pussified. Kind of perfect. So wimpy. 79 for the next five days. It's going to be in the hundreds here. It's, listen, it's hot. I mean, I've read about this happening across the country.

Have you read about in these cities, people are getting third degree burns that have to be treated because of touching doorknobs? No shit. So doorknob to this hotel room is right over there. I touched it and fucking jumped. Damn. Jumped back.

Oh, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Wait. I fucked up. I didn't hit record on my audio player. It's all right. Just press record now.

Okay. Do you have to clap? Why don't you clap? One, two, three. And I'll do it the same. I don't know if mine matters. Three, two, one. All right. We're not losing that gold that we just said. No, no, no. It was gold.

We're talking about the weather. Who doesn't want to hear that? This is the podcast for two old guys talking about the weather for the first five minutes. But anyway, the doorknob burned the hell out of me. It didn't like, you know, not bad because I'm a little quicker. I think the people getting third degree burns are maybe their hands are a little meatier and they're not as fast as I am. And then there's a little delayed sensory reaction. Like they smell it.

They smell their hand burning. They smell bacon. They smell bacon because that's what they ate every morning for the last 17 years. We had a cook in our, I went to boarding school, so anyway, but we had a cook in the kitchen, and we got to know him because we ate three meals there. Anyway, he was a really funny guy, and he got in a car accident, I think, bad one,

and he had a plate in his head, I believe. But the big problem with him in the kitchen was he could just lean on the grill and talk to you and you'd see smoke come up i mean that never happened yeah but he had to have other chefs tell him that's hot that's hot like because he was not going to feel the hot pan or the hot plate shit wow wait let's cut to it you're uh you're in aust, Texas. Yes. How was the mothership last night? Yeah, so the legendary Adam Eget, who's a really good friend of ours, I met him through Norm McDonald,

and he was the manager who really turned around the comedy store in L.A. Rogan set up his mothership comedy club here and brought Adam down. We've talked about him before Adam wasn't at the club last night but I can't even tell you how set up like the general manager was waiting and I made the mistake I go I hope I won't want to go well I hope Adam's treating you all right and then he's like uh he looked kind of confused and thank god i jumped in before he did i go or he's like yeah or i'm treating adam okay oh that's funny yeah wow he might be more of a back office guy not the hands-on guy you know and so anyway the guy i should know his

name it's a crime but you know how i am with names no offense to the guy i mean walked us to our seats made sure they knew these guys this table doesn't pay for anything and like and like checked in oh and is a huge fan of yours oh well that's nice that's what he brought up he goes wait a minute he goes you're because you work with uh greg fitzsimmons he's like he was just down here not long and huge fan of yours. Oh, nice. Yeah.

So, you know, the guy, he's like a big guy, big white guy. Yeah. Looks got a Texas fucking spacing. His name.

He's from Oklahoma. Oh, that makes sense. Um, yeah. Why vegans with a K or a C anyway? Yeah. I'm a fucking Carl.

I shouldn't know it. I'm such an idiot. Anyway, the place was great, but listen, I went such an idiot. Anyway, the place was great, but listen, I went to see, which is, you know,

off, off the, uh, the usual path on the, like, cause the other room was Ron white, the big room, you know?

Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh, you were in the smaller room. Oh, I went to the smaller room. The smaller room is magic. It's magic.

Brian Holtzman show. Oh my God. He headlines Brianrian holtzman all right i i might have laughed harder in a club before but i don't remember it like i was dying he does not give a shit yeah and is better like it's more connected than he was in. And I thought, wow, being the headliner, you know, of, and the show's named after him, you know, that's kind of like when I hosted the podcast with Gubbins, like, wait, this isn't my usual role. I'm not a, I'm not used to this and I'm not as good at it, quite honestly. And Holtzman for all of his life was the guy they put on last because he clears the room a lot of times. People asking for their checks.

And now his name is on the show and he's closing. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. At one point. No, I know you've seen him. But at one point he's like he of course, like Brody, he screams at the audience and gets angry. And he said something, he's like, oh, I don't feel this. And he's screaming at these people.

He's like, there have to, he goes, there have to be victims in my jokes. I punch down. That's hilarious. I almost fell off my seat so anyway I'm going back there just to see Adam tonight so probably like grab a drink in the bar or something like that I'm not going to a show there but I'll stop by because he's that he's working tonight he's the greatest I just talked to him last week he's he's the best yeah and so what'd you think of the actual structure what'd you think of the the room it was a little disorienting so when i went in i was expecting like more of a lobby almost like when you go in the pantages like here's your lobby before you go into the showroom you know with bars and merch and it was kind of you know they i think

they did have merch but it was kind of uh all right here's your choice two staircases one goes to that room one goes to the other you know like that i didn't see the lounge which is a separate that's downstairs yes so i didn't see that uh so i saw that on the way out and of course the guy whose name we have to look up by the end of this podcast, he caught me leaving in the lobby and we were then going to go next door. And he walked us in and said to the Bartley, make sure these guys don't pay like again. Right. Right. Such such great treatment. Yeah. No, they everybody everybody there is, you know, there was about four or five people that came from the comedy store over there. And then they hired a bunch of amazing local people. There's a ton of security.

But make sure Adam takes you to this lounge because it's like a VIP. It's a speakeasy. They designed it to be a speakeasy. It's got like booths set into the wall kind of privately. And then it's a tight little bar. And they only allow the comedians in and then sort of like oh you know friends of the club and uh it's really you want you're going to hang out there all night last time i was there i was there till five o'clock in the morning with shane gillis

ari shafir and and uh mark normand is it those guys are always stopping in town it's not the one to the left of the lobby it's underground it's underground it's downstairs oh okay i'll make sure yeah but but yeah have a and where are you staying are you in a hotel right there yeah i'm in a hotel uh i don't even know the areas of austin but we're across the river which way too often they call a lake we're across the river um from downtown in this very hot area hotel magdalena is where i am yeah um and it was one of those amex offers and i i i just take it for everything it's worth like a lot anyway it worked out really cheap. But still, the pool, I think they have to cool the pool, I'm imagining. Because I don't know how the pool isn't practically boiling at this point. So anyway. But you brought up Shane Gillis.

I watched his new special on Netflix. His only special, his first special ever, kind of. Who's? Shane. Oh, yeah. It was Shane. Oh yeah. It was really solid. Shane's about to blow up. He's about to become one of those guys that goes from playing,

you know, a thousand seats to playing 10,000 seats in this next year. That he is so fucking strong. And that special is so good. And he's like he's he's got that magical combination of being brave on stage. I hate the word brave. I would say I hate the word edgy. I would just say he's very raw. He's a lot like Louis C.K. He gives you a premise that is unsupportable that is wrong and then he backs you into it and he does it with this little twinkle in his eye

and with just great writing and fucking total commitment that he's he's really he's great so you saw the special yes yeah where he calls navy seals pussies like cowards actually he goes they're sort of cowards the more you think about it and then how he roots for al-qaeda right and by the way i'm not spoiling any of this because then that's the little primacy floats and you're like what are you going to do with this and then you see what he does with it yeah right right right um right, right. He also, like Holtzman, still employs the word retarded a lot. And Holtzman has no excuse,

but Shane has this ingenious thing because he has Down syndrome in his family and he talks about his uncle. Yeah, well, his niece has it as well. Oh, I didn't know that. And so he goes full on impression of his uncle. No. And you're like, wow, I haven't seen this on stage in a long while.

Oh, God. Yeah. But it's hysterical. I don't like that. I don't like that. No, it's incredibly positive. It's his uncle. He just talks about his uncle is like the happiest person.

But he also, whatever, there's a grilled cheese part, which is really funny. I think I missed that. I think I missed that. I didn't watch the whole thing. Oh, no, no. You might have seen a special that he did kind of during the pandemic.

Yeah. And it was, it might have been in, it was in the South somewhere, and it was very lo-fi. This is his Netflix special. Where did he shoot it again? Uh, Virginia, I think.

Oh, that's weird. It, no, it dropped this week. Huh? Okay. Um,

all right, listen, uh, let's get to our song this week, which was, I think, Oh wait, first I want to talk about on my podcast this week, I want to encourage people to tune in.

I had on one of my favorites of all time, Eddie Izzard, who is now Susie Izzard, although I didn't deadname her because she doesn't mind if you call her either one which is nice there's no pressure with suzy is hard to say i don't even think she minds you saying he uh she's very open to it and here's the thing about suzy is hard she puts out two hour specials where she then does 15 minute encores where it's killer the whole way through. Oh, she's one of the top female comedians. Yes. Yes, she is. That's funny.

I don't think it's original. She ran 29 marathons in 29 days. And she did the equivalent of that about three times. That is a woman. She's full blown crazy. That's right. What the fuck is that? And I forgot to ask.

And I really, I wrote down this question. I forgot to ask it. I'm kicking myself is how much of you is running towards something and how much of you is running away from something? Because I think that's a good question when you're that fucking crazy. I don't know if it's very gentlemanly to put a lady on the spot like that, but all right. That's true. Yeah. And she also is running for parliament. Wow.

In England. And she speaks. She does stand up comedy in five different languages. She's a pressing gal. And is severely dyslexic. So learns the languages by going to that country and just being surrounded by it. She can't read it. Susie's an interesting choice for a last name Izzard.

It's almost like Suzzard. Susie Izzard. Susie I an interesting choice for a last name is Ard. It's almost like Suzard. Susie is Ard. Susie is Ard. Yeah, I think it's got a nice little buzzing. There's a little buzzing sensation. There's a lot of buzz just in the name alone. But that was really fun. Unfortunately, it was over Zoom,

so it didn't have that in-person thing, but she was very generous. We had a good time. Nice. So the song this week, which was great, So I didn't have that in-person thing, but she was very generous. We had a good time. Nice. So the song this week, which was great, was Mike Sapienza and his buddy Tony Cryer did it together. Very cool. Was it Blink-182?

It's that 90s fun vibe. I think it's Blink-182. Yeah, kind of a clean pop rock vibe. I think it's Pink 182. Yeah, kind of a clean pop rock vibe. And then the logo this week was Lyndon Pike. And the reason it is, it's obviously Bernie Taupin and Elton John. And we'll get into why later when we hit the entertainment section. But it's very, very relevant right now. Yeah, and of course they made me bernie taupin it's ridiculous thank you of course thank you

yeah maybe that's because i didn't really write last week and i just mailed it in is that why i'm guessing that's why either that or I was chin deep in some balls last week. But whatever. I don't think I talked about that on the show. You are always the lady. Corrections on last week's episode of Sunday Papers. You mentioned the thing about Jews having sex through a sheet with a hole in it. I learned a little about the topic from everybody's favorite Jew, Ari Shaffir. He covers the topic in his special Jew.

And apparently the sheet with a hole was all just a rumor that never held much water. So. Wow. Really? Yeah. That seems like a very creative lie. Like why? That's going pretty far down the creative path.

Like it also isn't. i guess it makes them look crazy yeah it does that's what all the jokes are about but it's it seems i mean they do far the orthodox uh have far more i want to be gentle here but like confounding and puzzling to outsiders traditions and customs than that. It's weird that one was made up. Well, during the bris, the rabbi will suck the infant's penis after the cutting of the foreskin. I'm hoping this is a Fitz fact.

No, this is a fact. This is a real thing. I don't think in all sects, but in, I think, ultra-Orthodox, they do it. And priests are like, hold my beer. I'm starting to fade a little bit on this Jesus guy. I don't think he was that big of a deal. Is 12 and 13 too late to do that religious practice? That was from Ben Holdridge.

And then there was Mike. Mike says, nobody wants to go up against the Spartan army, but history shows they won half their battles at best. Is that true? And then he sent me a link to an article. I get a lot of people sending me mail with links to articles. I'd read that article. I'll send it to you, but it's just, I got a full disclosure.

I don't always read every article because I go through about 50 emails a day from people and I don't have time to read all the links. I wonder what the context is because they're a tiny island and the Holy Roman Empire was probably some of those battles. I know famously in the movie they show the Persians taking them on in the movie 300. Was that in Glendale? in the movie 300. Was that in Glendale? I think they lost that one,

but that whole movie is about the remarkable how few there were and how long they held them off, I guess, before they were defeated. Huh. Okay. Did you ever see the movie 300? Oh, yeah. It was great. It's just pure adrenaline. Some of the CGI is a little wonky, but I see the movie 300? Oh, yeah, it was great. It's just pure adrenaline. Some of the CGI is a little wonky, but I love the movie.

They shot it in like a movie hangar in Toronto or something insane, all green screen. But I still liked it. Do you know that Top Gun was shot without any CGI? All that stuff with the jets being inches from each other and all that stuff was actually real. All right. Speaking of real, I am really coming to Irvine, California on September 10th to play the improv.

Yeah, you are. Escondido, Grand Comedy Club, September 22nd, 23rd. Shirley Mass, Manchester, New Hampshire, Nashville, New Hampshire, Foxborough Mass, Sacramento, Arlington, Virginia, Mass, Manchester, New Hampshire, National, New Hampshire, Foxborough, Mass, Sacramento, Arlington, Virginia, Baltimore, Houston, Bakersfield, San Francisco, Fort Worth. And we actually have some new dates I'll be announcing next week. Go to Fitz dog dot com. Come support live comedy before the comedy boom ends. Also, let's talk about if you want to go out and see comedy, you want to see theater,

you want to see rock music, you want to see sports. But hey, do you want to stress out about it? Do you want to think about, oh, am I buying the tickets too early? Is that a drop later? Yes, they're going to drop later. That's why you got game time, bitch. You got game time, bitch. Yep. Here it is. Game time in Austin. Drake is playing here on the 12th.

$314. We're going to watch that one go down. What else do we have this weekend? Oh, Moto America Superbikes. Whoa, is that popular here? $98. Damn. You could go to, I mean, that's like 50 or 45 wnba games for that money that's right do you want to see a shnikko look at a shnikko who's that i don't know it looks like this

it's a female i think it's a female performer very colorful blue hair very Very red eyes. Anyway, $23. All right, well, listen, there's killer deals on last-minute tickets. The app is so easy to use. It's a couple of taps. There's no printing. There's no messaging, emailing it to yourself or any of that stuff. It's just right there. And I've used it many times. Mike's used it many times.

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Snag the tickets without distress with GameTime. Download the GameTime app, create an account, and use code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code PAPERS for $20 off. Download GameTime today. Last-minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed. All righty and now on to a new sponsor prize picks it's the largest independently owned daily fantasy sports platform in north america

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All right, let's get to... Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Get old paper going. Front page, baby. baby oh here it comes well this one uh it came out thursday which was yesterday and kind of rocked the comedy world a little bit or the entertainment world

uh the name of the uh the rolling stone article was chaos, and crying rooms inside Jimmy Fallon's Tonight Show. 16 anonymous current and former staff members accused the late night show of having a toxic work culture. Sound familiar? Allegedly, it starts at the top. Staffers on the show are used to there being either good Jimmy days or bad Jimmy days in which Fallon is prone to outbursts and erratic behavior. It was like if Jimmy is in a bad mood, everyone's day is fucked, said one of them. Some staffers attribute his behavior to Fallon's alleged overuse of alcohol. Some say they think he was drunk at work. And eight former employees said the quality of the workday depended on whether Fallon was hung over,

which is something you and I have heard for years. I can't comment on that, but I will say he seems to get injured a lot. There's constantly a broken arm showing up. And I got to find out what Andy Kindler is saying about this because he has had it in for Fallon. I remember one of his tweets was Jimmy Fallon is the Jimmy Fallon of Jimmy Fallon's. That's amazing. There's just something about a guy that's that happy. Look, full disclosure, I really like Jimmy.

He used to open for me when he was on his way up. I used to bring him on the road with me and he'd open for me. And he's been very, very kind to me over the years. He's a really sweet dude. So whatever it is that's happening, I attribute it to the pressure of doing a daily show, which you and I both have done in the past. And I can never imagined being the person whose face is on the show whose name is on the show who's doing a monologue who's prepping for interviews

who's playing games who's then finishing the show to do promotion with atlanta and tape a fucking happy birthday message for the president of the network. And then, you know, it's a lot, it's a lot of pressure and I don't think it brings out the best in people. I agree. And I also, like I do, even with Ellen and other places, I do look at some of the comments because listen, you and I have been kind of journeymen in this arena, and I've been in a bazillion writers' rooms, and you do have to have a little bit of a thicker skin. Also, oh, and a kind of an emotionally abusive host? Yeah, welcome to showbiz.

There's part of it is you are dealing with someone who's under that crazy pressure. I heard a story and I can't tell you who told me, but it was the guy it happened to, um, was a producer on Johnny Carson forever. And one time at like one of the Christmas parties or wherever it was. And Johnny famously, which he's owned was a bad drunk and a bad drinker and would get violent and i think it's on record he even got violent uh with and physical with uh at least one of his wives too along the way so anyway he pinned this guy up by his neck in the hallway and says you guys do fucking nothing it's all on my back and said exactly what you were saying. Like verbalized that pressure.

I'm not defending this and saying it's right, but you kind of know this going in, or you should know it by your second tour of duty. And a lot of these people aren't new. So anyway, here were some of the comments, which I, I thought were also funny. Um, they said that he, they, he would write notes and feedback and they could be passive aggressive. This was like on their monologue jokes and stuff. Uh, they would, they say he would write comments like, are you okay? Seriously? Do you need help? That's funny. I think that's, I think that's amazing. First of all, if that came back to me, I mean, yes, he's trying to insult me, I guess, but it's hysterical. Yeah. Um, and then he would also, one writer said he came back and it said,

ugh, lame. What is going on with you? You've outdone yourself. What is going on with you? You've outdone yourself. Let me tell you something. Writers are fucking lazy. I've been a writer for 20 years. And if you don't give me some shit and you don't push me a little bit, I'm not going to give 100%. It's part of your fucking job. We both worked for Ellen.

I was there for the first two years. And there's no way Fallon was any worse than Ellen. Not even close. No way and did I leave no I got fired like a man just like you all right wait I gotta see I took a screen grabs of some of the articles um it was the first time I'd oh okay so here was another one this is the last thing i'll say all of a sudden it came out that in like i forget where it was but he did i think it was on snl oh along like in the 90s or he did an impression of chris rock jimmy fallon did and he got in blackface right and he then when it surfaced i think maybe probably during Black Lives Matter, he had to issue an apology, of course. And he goes, there's no excuse for this. I think there's

an excuse for it. You're doing an impression of your friend. Anyway, I am very sorry for making this unquestionably offensive decision and thank all of you for holding me accountable um while filing publicly addressed the video employees say there was an internal uproar because staff members weren't happy the talk show host didn't directly directly acknowledge the incident with them yeah uh go fuck yourselves honestly and i'm not talking about the issue of if if you if he put on blackface or not that has nothing to do with it he issued a public apology yeah like you need him to come and give you a personal one now apologies that's the reason why some people say never apologize because even when you do like louis ck apologized

it's never enough it's never right for every group and they're gonna make the noise and then the press is gonna pick up on that noise and it's gonna make your apology worse than how things were when you started i know and it's like and and also some of them were like uh we didn't know about this it's like, who's that on? It was on fucking Saturday Night Live, I think. They didn't hide it. Yeah, right. That is bizarre that they put that on Saturday Night Live.

I mean, it just goes to show you how fast things change and what short memories we have about context. I mean, look, blackface. I have no idea why they let that on the air. That is crazy. But the fact that they did it and now the idea of doing it like you can't. We'll probably get in trouble right now for what we're saying, never mind actually doing it. And, you know, words you can they'd like you couldn't before like you said about shane gillis like that has been eradicated that word oh yeah acting that out has been eradicated

and uh it's it's you know people don't remember that it didn't used to be like that so fucking video it's too bad there's video around uh yeah but as you said there is different context and you know he apologized for it and um but but anyway back to the staff members who need who are like don't you know there was that great line in tar the movie don't be so eager to be offended yeah you you are truly eager to be offended if you are offended that the host who issued an apology didn't come to you who were probably born the year this shit went on right and apologize to your face yeah that's eagerness that's eagerness to be offended and by the way if you are even easy to be offended or slightly eager to be offended, do not get in a comedy writer's room. How about that? Yeah, everybody wants to do comedy because, you know, they went they went to a fucking college and they graduated without really knowing what they wanted to do.

what they wanted to do. And then comedy seemed like a good path because you can make a lot of money. And people have said, I'm funny, but you're not dark. You're not broken. Comedy is for dark, broken people who are who can stand a little fucking ass kicking and they can get in there and be a dysfunctional child and put up with shit like that. yeah and i mean the whole genre of satire it can be incredibly dark and brutal you're gonna make you know back to even swift like about eating children in ireland like you know you're going to and that is back then like you job is to find where the line is many times. That's one of the jobs for sure. The only way to find the line is to go over it a little bit in the writer's room and then get pulled back. I mean, it's a place to be tolerant of things that you wouldn't necessarily accept once they went on the air.

Anyway, let's move on before we get more canceled than we already are. Towing Company. Well, wrong story then. Towing Company. Towing Company offers bizarre explanation for hauling SUV with two children inside. A 26-year-old woman called police just after 11 a.m. Tuesday to report her SUV and two children, police just after 11 a.m. Tuesday to report her SUV and two children ages three and one were stolen from the fashion center in Arlington. Police quickly realized the car had been towed from a no parking zone and that a preliminary investigation indicates the tow operator was unaware the

children were inside. And upon notification, he pulled over to check on them and they were fine the toe company here we go the toe company blamed the mistake on the sun's glare in the windows and because the seats were black leather and the children were african-american oh why say it why say it? Why say it? You know, just don't say it. Just say there was a lot of glare. That's it. You had it. You had it. A glare. Right. Right. I heard that last week he towed a Guatemalan family sitting in a car with leather seats, you know, and that's that's why. Are you saying it was brown leather, Greg? Yes. It was like a deep brown leather. If I was that driver, let me tell you something.

And I issued that statement as soon as it came out of my mouth, I'd hopefully realize what I just said. And I would immediately search desperately for any car with white leather and a white person in it and tow it immediately. Even if the white bitch is behind the wheel. How could you not see her with the giant hat and her pink glasses? Because she's white like the seats. This happens all the time. I'm colorblind.

I'm a colorblind tow truck driver. She's camouflaging herself. What do I have to, I can't tow geckos? What's happening here? And also, like, the three-year-old, I get the one-year-old. He's strapped into a baby seat. He knows three words. The three-year-old, how fucking quiet is this kid?

You know, I'm sure the mother didn't seal the windows. The windows are open. What did he think? What do you think, Mommy was pulling a wheelie with a remote control? Yeah. Also, yeah. Are they wearing outfits that look like strewn French fries all over the back seat? That's how they really blend in.

Let's be honest. Or Cheerios. Cheerios are everywhere in a back seat like that. Yeah. Right. The mother left her white. It turns out the mother left her white Hyundai Kona with the engine running and the doors unlocked for 16 minutes in a fire lane outside the mall.

She was cited for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. But I, it sounds like she wanted the kids taken, but not by the authorities. Right. Right. Yeah. I mean, what on what is up with that? That is I mean, look, sometimes they got a sale at the mall. It was Labor Day weekend. And maybe you got it. You got to grab that fucking pair of Uggs when you can. Sweaters half off, children free. I mean, what a weekend.

It's known for its sales. It's fantastic. All right. You kids stay in the car. Stay extremely still and quiet. Yeah. Here's a family of a Massachusetts 14 year old who died suddenly, believes an extremely spicy corn chip that he ate for a tick tock challenge may be responsible for his death. On September 1st, after his mother picked him up from school due to complaints of a stomachache,

the sophomore had just taken part in the One Chip Challenge, which involves eating a single corn chip laced with Carolina Reaper and scorpion peppers, two of the world's hottest peppers. The snack is made by Austin, Texas-based Paqui, which specializes corn chips. A classmate provided him with the chip. I mean, this is like the fentanyl of snack foods. There should be hotlines, like fentanyl hotlines,

like stay on the phone while I eat this chip, please. You might have to call the authority. Here's my address. Right. Totally. You know, I thought when I read this article

that that one chip was the Carolina Raper. And I know they're getting really creative naming hot things. You know, there's like devil's bitch hot sauce, anal angst, hot sauce, ass in the tub, hot sauce. These are all real. Really? But I thought Carolina Rapers seemed too hot. If you ask me just a little not as hot as caroline ray what if there was a caroline ray chip that'll tear the ass out of you too yeah how bad by the way how bad does his broke-ass best friend want to load this fucking thing on tiktok and just watch the

revenue stream in he didn't die while doing it so that's what the friend's thinking i mean what happened in the old days when 14 year olds just did circle jerks and huffed paint cans well i will tell you at tosh we know obviously would search day and night at tosh.o for for these things and at the time a very popular one we're talking about 2009 was the cinnamon challenge and then we'd have people do it we had that miss south carolina who did the um like um like world peace we had her do we had her do it and then lawyers was she as dumb as she seemed on that video um she she was so nice and of course on those, we normally like, you know, take their side and she was in on it. And I, I just have so much respect for someone who's willing to make fun

of themselves. So we did, we did the web redemption with her, but, and also she was game to do anything. So like, Hey, do you want to do the cinnamon challenge? So anyway, but lawyers then descended on us. So kids die from the cinnamon challenge. What do you snort cinnamon? No, you take at least a tablespoon and you just try to eat it. And there's a technique like it's called chunking where you're actually some people are able to do it. But generally it asphyxiates you. The powder causes massive coughing and it's really hard to breathe.

Damn. Yeah, it's bad. You could you could Google it and you'll find it's really hard to breathe. Damn. Yeah, it's bad. You could Google it and you'll find it's similar to this thing. Like it's more dangerous than it sounds, and I hate to be that guy, but it is. A related story. Look what you put as the next story. The next story is about, and this is one people are dying to hear us talk about, a Delta passenger sprayed diarrhea everywhere aboard a midair flight,

forcing the plane to turn around and go back to the airport. The flight was headed to Barcelona after taking off from Georgia. While over Virginia, the passenger's gastrointestinal issues exploded into the open, giving everyone on board a front row seat to the disgusting aftermath. I mean, I got a lot. I got a lot to address here. The flight captain radioed air traffic control to report the incident and said he seemed pretty calm under the circumstances.

On the recording, he says, it's just a biohazard issue. We have a passenger who had diarrhea all the way through the airplane, so they want us to come back to Atlanta. People complained on social media. Quote, my partner was on that flight. It was pretty bad. It was dribbled down the aisle, smelled horrible. Another said the vanilla scented disinfectant used on it

only made it smell like vanilla shit. Yeah, that's its job. disinfectant used on it only made it smell like vanilla shit. Yeah. No word. That's its job. No word yet on the condition of the passenger. That's my favorite line in the whole article. Cause that's what everybody's worried about. Well,

we also got too many words on his condition. I think his condition is deep embarrassment. You know, Delta's first class it's called Delta one first class, it's called Delta 1. I think it's Delta 2 now. Yeah. Yeah. At least running up the aisle spraying diarrhea,

at least the asshole isn't exactly at face level while the guy is doing that. Do you remember that story years ago where the guy, drunk, in first class, got up on the cart and took a shit? That was my favorite story of that year. Yeah, that was probably the best story of the year. This guy outdid him, though. Yeah.

What? You know, here's the thing about pants. I mean, where were the pants? Pants serve a lot of functions. I love pants. They hide your genitals. They keep your legs warm. They give you little pockets you can store things in.

But here's the main thing they do. They prevent explosive diarrhea from spraying fellow passengers on a transatlantic flight. And I'm reading back to the article a little. Why is he moving around so much? I don't know. I don't know why his pants are down and I don't know why he's running up the aisle. I don't know why there's not video.

Did nobody videotape this and put it up? You don't run or run up and down the aisle masturbating. You have the decency to lock yourself in the bathroom or put my forehead against the wall line line the seat with toilet paper what is this guy's issue yeah at this point the the pilots probably if you if you got them if you got them smoke them you know what just light up anything everyone smoke Pass your cigarettes around. Light as many matches as you can. Yeah.

Open your windows. That's the thing about a plane. There's no windows to open. Oh my God. I would have my mouth on that fucking little air blower above my head. I would close my nose and just breathe through that. They should drop all the oxygen masks and everyone. And you don't have to tell any,

everyone to put theirs on first before children right on my face first. Right. Cause not only is it giving you air to breathe, it's keeping the shit from going on your face. I bought me while Barcelona must've been like, no, thank you. No one is disembarking that plane.

Yeah. All right. Wow. Um. All right. Wow. All right. Let's get to the entertainment section. Crumple, crumple. All right. This is a thing.

Again, we teased it at the beginning of the show. Bernie Taupin has a new book about his life and about his creative process and he's getting a lot of attention for it mark maron i hope he didn't write it mark maron had him on the podcast this week and people are dying to know if you've listened to the mark maron interview with Bernie Taupin. I have not. I am hoping there's piano accompaniment to everything he says and that Sir Elton John has provided that. But I will.

I'm just. Oh, no, there is piano company. He wrote he wrote a theme song for Mark Maron. Oh, I am sure it's gold. What is that? It's smooth talking man in the frying pan got a nickel to talk up frozen ham. Hold on, hold on. Is this a joke?

No, these are really the lyrics he wrote for Marc Maron. You didn't write this to please me, to make fun of him? No. Smooth talking man in the frying pan got a nickel to talk up frozen ham, but I think he's going to meet up with a president who doesn't make no sense and is not a gent. So riff on my scruffy matador. You can't find the door and now you're on your own in the podcast zone. Oh, Mark, it's so cold out there. What? No, I wrote it. Oh, I wrote it in like 25 seconds. No, that's as if you told ai write the shittiest elton john lyrics

ever oh god yeah i think i spent as much time writing that as he wrote rocket man uh yeah probably but but there he really did write one no oh oh i i think he should have when did you when did you lose the fact that this is a comedy podcast and i'm a comedian no but i thought if he's on there marin he'd come up like with a gift like hey by the way i wrote some lyrics for a theme i know you don't have your theme song. You've used the same one forever, but blah, blah, blah. Yeah. That's very believable to me. Well, I sold it.

It was a good sell. And by the way, I just want to mention, I went to the comedy store last night. Erin's friend is very wealthy and her husband had

like this $500 sweater that they give me his clothes sometimes if he doesn't like, like she'll buy him something if he doesn't like it, they give it to me. And it was like the corniest it was like the kind of sweater it was a cardigan, v-neck

with big buttons that had pockets on the front. It was like something that you'd smoke a pipe and be a douchebag. And so I wore it to the comedy store on purpose because I wanted to just give a gift to the comedians and I even texted Ian Edwards on the way over I go are you at the store tonight and he's like yeah and I go good and then I walked in and I just he was standing there with like five

of the comics and I just walked up and I smiled I stood in front of him and he looked at me like he was inspecting sushi and what what great was he going to buy for his store? And then he just goes, shouldn't you be going door to door telling people you're a sex offender? And then five guys jumped in and they fucking roasted me for 15 minutes. It's also shocking you weren't in maroon, I guess. Yes. No, it was gray. Very brave of you. Very brave of you.

Very brave of you to do that. Yeah. Did you get up on stage with it? I did. And then it made me, it did. I didn't realize how much I need to be wearing my own clothes on stage because I bombed. I didn't bomb. I tried all new stuff and it didn't go well.

But yeah, I felt weird on stage. The guy in the weird sweater bombed. You didn't bomb well um but uh yeah i felt weird on stage the guy in the weird sweater bombed you didn't bomb right uh al pacino and nor alfala pacino is 83 alfala is 29 and they just had a baby three months ago so in other words he is exactly the age difference. If I were to marry somebody who was born last week, that would be the age difference that he is to her. That's great. Yes. That you did that math. And she has now filed for full custody to pave the way for child support.

Wow. So it didn't work out. I wonder what it was. to pave the way for child support. Wow. So it didn't work out. I wonder what it was. I mean, it's like, and we have a friend who did this, it's like when you get charmed by somebody from an Eastern European country and you marry them,

or from an Asian country, and then they get the marriage, they get the ring on their finger, and they fucking leave you six months later, and then they get the marriage, they get the ring on their finger, and they fucking leave you six months later, and they got a green card, and they got half your money. And this chick, she had him in the crosshairs for how long?

Well, you know, you don't get, you know, a short-term marriage, you don't get like half and all that. There's probably a buyout, but what she's doing, that's what they said, is she's filing for full custody because then she will get a very healthy child support for 18 years yeah right yeah and at 18 when the kid's 18 she will only be 48 this woman right and he will be dead butino's age now almost he will obviously be

yet be dead because that would make him 100 years old so the baby would probably inherit i don't know how many other kids he has but i mean pacino's got to be worth what 30 million yeah i wonder how they do that if you kind of know death is imminent, you know, statistically. But also you do it if they I know like in my divorce contract. 120 million he's worth. Oh, I think. Wow. OK. I in my divorce contract and in everybody's. Well, a lot of people's. There can be the life insurance clause.

everybody's, well, a lot of people's, there can be the life insurance clause. You have to have a life insurance filled out in the children's and your ex's name. And my ex actually has a life insurance policy because she had one during the marriage. And I'm the beneficiary of that and the kids. So I wonder what it is in terms of his 120 million. If he dies next year, like where does her child support come from? Right. There has to be a trust and all that shit, I guess. Oh, wow. What an age difference, man. So Pacino has a daughter who is 34.

So she has a younger sister who is 34 years younger than her. Got it. Which isn't even that big of a spread considering he, he could have a daughter who's 60, you know? Oh, he could have a daughter older than 60. If he had someone at 20 years old,

she's 63. Wow. Yeah. Um, all right. Why are are you gonna break up with me now what the fuck is wrong with you fly fly pelican say hello to my what was it who are you saying hello to again i saw him walking down the street with her it was fucking embarrassing i mean that dude he's not a young 83 he's like shuffling around and he looks incoherent yeah that 80 is a magic number man uh for people you know born back then i don't know what it'll be like in 40 years but yeah like i when i saw dylan i

couldn't believe how how old he's seems now you know yeah like real real shuffling going on you know yeah um all right everyone go home oh speaking this this falls right into it everyone go home the boss called in sick bruce springsteen announced on his website wednesday that he was postponing shows for the remainder of the month while he is treated for symptoms of, quote, peptic ulcer disease. Another headline could have been 74 year old just can't anymore because of heartburn. The postponed shows, including scheduled stops in Baltimore, Philadelphia, Albany, and Syracuse, Pittsburgh, Wash, and Washington, and shows in Connecticut and Ohio. DeBoss first felt the stomach issues on a Delta flight from Georgia to Barcelona

where he shit all over the aisle. Oh, my stomach's on fire. I think the ulcer might be that he knew he was going to Pittsburgh and Philly. It's just coincidence that it happened the week before. Yeah, I'd have tremendous heartburn and shitting myself if that were the thing. You know, it's too bad because now we won't be able to play his songs. No retreat, no surrender. Tougher than the rest. Walk like a man.

The rising. The rising. He also had a pretty bad incident on 57th Street. The boss. Yeah, again, he has to cancel it because of heartburn. Again, it's more like the secretary, not the boss. Those are the vibes I'm getting. Yeah, yeah, he has to cancel it because of heartburn. It's again, it's more like the secretary, not the boss. Those are the vibes I'm getting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The the interim secretary, Danny Masterson. Should we talk about that? Yeah, let's lighten it up with some rape. Danny, how about now? Let me let me rephrase that. Let's lighten it up with some justice. Danny Masterson was sentenced to 30 years to life in prison for multiple rapes in his defense i would say dude it was the 70s it was a different time i don't think

we should judge him this harshly um as the one uh as the one time that 70s show actor that's an awkward phrase was for both of his trials on the criminal as the one time was for both of them oh masterson was present sorry in both the trials he was in court for the sentencing he was permitted to address the court but masterson chose not to speak that's because there's a writer's strike he has no idea what to say unless someone's writing it for him. But anyway, he is going away. That's a sought after punch up job is the appealing a rape on the stand. Yeah.

30 years. Wow. By the way, there's no fucking way his agents didn't know this stuff was going down again and again. I think the agent should have to do 10% of the sentence with Danny Masterson. Three years in prison? Yeah. Or a third of life,

because it's three years to a third of life. That's what his sentence would be, or hers. And you know he's going to try to use his celebrity, because everybody, if you're going to go to prison, you've got to figure out, what's my strategy? How am I going to get through this? And so he's going to try to use this celebrity because everybody if you're gonna go to prison you gotta figure out what's my strategy how am i gonna get through this and so he's gonna try to use this celebrity get in with the toughest inmates hey guys i was on that 70s show the guy'd be like oh cool man i used to watch that i wouldn't recognize you we probably never would have talked thanks for letting us know i can't believe i'm going to fuck Stevie from that 70s show.

Hey, man, can you put that headband on first? Yeah. Oh, hey, guys, I'm a star fucker. Who would have guessed? I'm a star fucker. Are we heading to florida let's go to florida baby this guy i remember we've done this story and now he has repeated the incident. Oh, really? Yeah. Florida man busted trying to, quote, run across the Atlantic Ocean in a giant hamster wheel.

Although this time it was amid a hurricane. Reza Baluchi, 44, was spotted late last month about 70 miles off the coast of Tybee Island in Georgia. Tybee Island, I guess, in Georgia, as Hurricane Franklin caused life-threatening surf and rip current conditions. Photos showed him in the middle of the quirky homemade contraption, or hydropod as it's called, consisting of a metal drum with inflatable buoys on each side, as well as paddles powered by him running inside the ball bellucci reportedly told his rescuers he planned to run more than 4 000 miles that's all to across

the ocean to london all right well i hope he kept his cool when they told him he had to you know get out of his uh little hamster wheel he then repeatedly threatened to kill himself rather than end his wheelie risky run he claimed to have a 12 he claimed to have a 12 inch knife and even a bomb sparking a three day standoff before he finally disembarked friday in miami beach Florida. He has previously been stopped making similar stunts in his hydropod in 2014, 2016, and 2021. Quote, I'll never give up my dream. They stopped me four or five times, but I never give up. And I was thinking, shouldn't this be the ravings and the means of transportation for someone trying to get into America

that this is he's got it all backwards he's already in here right right well luckily when they when they stopped him they calmed him down by feeding him some gerbil pellets and they gave him some wood chips to take a shit on he asked if somebody could

put put him in their shirt pocket and rub his neck a little bit hey are you thirsty we got and they they move in this they crane in this big canister upside down with a little metal little metal spout with a with a ball bearing in it yes thank you i'm thirsty he gets to the prison and he immediately runs under a table ball bearing in it. Yes, thank you. I'm thirsty. He gets to the prison and he immediately runs under a table. You can't bring that vermin on board this Coast Guard vessel. Oh, man.

All right. Let's go down to Florida. The guy was arrested. We're already in Florida. Australian teacher walks free after having sex with a student. Monique Ooms, O-O-M-S, 31, was seen crying at the Court of Appeals in Melbourne after a panel upheld a ruling to only give her 300 hours of community service after she pleaded guilty to four counts of sexually penetrating a minor under her care of supervision. Uh, the judge dismissed her plea, uh, that she was mentally unfit to stand trial. Anyway, ums joined the high

school last year. She began to message the 16 year old boy. So boy surprised me after the penetrating comment, uh, or whatever charge. Yeah. Um, so I think that having sex with him was fine. It's when she stuck her finger in his ass that she violated Australian law.

And she did it on a Delta flight to Barcelona and it did not go well. Yeah. Um, And she did it on a Delta flight to Barcelona and it did not go well. She began to message the 16 year old boy after seeing that he was going through personal issues. The teacher then began sending pictures of herself in her underwear to the troubled boy. That'll turn it around. Before the two eventually had sex for the first time in July of last year. had sex for the first time in July of last year. The pair had sex several more times at her home and in her car before school officials were tipped off by an anonymous letter. The defense had testified. I love this part. The defense had testified in court that ums was

depressed about her alleged infertility when she had sex with the boy. And then she showed up pregnant at her sentencing this July. Hey, now I think that is an amazing legal strategy for being mentally unfit. You claim you're going crazy because you're infertile and you show up with a giant distended pregnant belly. I can't get pregnant. Ouch. I have shooting pains. Look, you can shoot them. You can see the shooting pains move all around my belly. But I cannot get pregnant. So she's not

going to jail, but they gave her 300 hours of community service? Yeah. She's got a fucking pension after that. Meanwhile, she only had sex with the guy four times. He's 16. It probably lasted three minutes each time.

That's a total of 12 minutes of sex. And she got to serve 300 hours. It's like a multiple life sentence relative to what went on here. Yeah. I mean, barely had sex. If this was Florida, the entire lacrosse team would have had to fuck her for for months all right let's do some sports baby let's do some sports, baby. Let's do it. J-E-T-S.

Monday night. Where are you watching the game Monday night? In my house on the couch. I'll tell you why later. All right, fine. So that's all I have to say about that. I am a bandwagon Jets fan. I've been a Jets fan since I was three or something when my dad sadly took me to Shea Stadium to see Joe Namath.

My whole neighborhood were Giants fans. I should be a Giants fan, but I'm not. It's been a curse, and I'm proud. I am proud to say I fully gave up on them about 10 years ago, and now I'm back, unless they they start losing then i'm out again sorry they've tortured me too much have they had a good player since joe namath yeah they put together some good i remember they put together it was like 2007 or 8 something like that no no maybe even maybe even a little later that but i'm forgetting the year

they made it i think they made it to the playoffs once that's it uh or advanced or won a playoff game maybe it's they won a playoff game i mean it's illogical because they have the budget of the biggest city in the country they they're loaded the yankees are always number one rangers won the Stanley Cup. And any player going there is going to enter the world's largest marketing culture. In other words, if you do well on the Jets, just the ads that you'll do, the local ads you'll do in New York will make you rich. Right. Jets. I'm going to Google Jets 1 playoff game and see what comes up here. Anyway, talk about the John McEnroe while I Google this.

Okay, so McEnroe begs U.S. Open to do something as players battle stifling heat. It's not humane. The four-time U.S. Open champion, who is working as an analyst for ESPN, said during the Medvedev and Rublev match they were drenched in sweat in the 93-degree heat. And he said, I'm sorry, please, USTA, in the future, I think seriously we should close the roof. These guys are sweating more than Mike Tyson at a spelling bee. These guys are sweating more than R. Kelly at the Teen Choice Awards.

These guys are sweating like your mom at a paternity test. Look, these guys are sweating more than a seeing-eye dog at a Korean barbecue. Oh, Jesus. Meanwhile, I think the rest of the country is hearing 93 degrees and planning on moving there to cool off. Yeah, right. Wait, 93 during the day? Wait, here, let's check my temperature again you ready let's see what it is now let's see if we we got up to one oh oh

there you go six hundred and six as i sit here in austin i'm gonna check the weather in new york right now the jets have won go ahead one in New York right now. All right, the Jets have won. 81 in reigning in New York. Ah, all right. Oh, the quarterfinals are today. Yeah, don't tell me anything. Don't tell me who's in it because I taped it. The roof is going to be closed. No, semis.

The semis. Both the semis are today, Friday. In their 60-season history, the Jets have won 408, and they've lost 500 regular season and they had eight ties. They have made 14 postseason appearances and have an overall postseason record of 12 wins and 13 losses. So the Jets have won seven times in the playoffs between 1998 and 2023. They won seven times in the playoffs between 1998 and 2023. So I popped out of my abandonment of them for all of those times.

I can tell you that for sure. The Detroit Lions haven't won a postseason game since 1991. Well, they beat the number one team in the league last night or thursday night yeah so we've joined these i'm going to do the uh survivor pool and i'm never betting for or against the jets but i'm uh i'm no that's my number one rule in my pool you got that in the pool every year last year i won it i split it with two other people there's like 200 people in the pool. And my strategy is never bet for or against any New York team because they are fickle. They'll beat teams they shouldn't and they'll lose to teams that they should have beat. So I leave them alone. Right. That's what I'm going to do. And we also have other rules which have which are popular, I guess, like only betting on home teams.

Bet on the home teams. Stuff like that. I try to bet on – my strategy is I look at the worst three teams in the league and I try to bet against them when they're on the road. And that way I save all my top ten teams for the second half of the season. Don't give away your secrets here, but I'm listening. All right. So you, you sent me this document when I was on the plane ride down here. And the first story that was in here, really the only, before we filled out all the other stories

was an international story. So you're like, did you get it? The so i open it i'm i was upgraded to comfort plus on delta i'm happy to report no one's shit but when they upgraded me i found myself in the middle seat which i never ever ever book and so in the middle seat i open the document and there bolded in all caps is the word whores. And I am none of this is exaggeration. I'm sitting between two women and the woman to my right. I could feel she read it. I didn't dare look. Oh, I mean, she's two inches away from me.

I could feel she read it. You should have written are sitting next to me on the airplane how's the whore on your right you should have started because it's a google doc whatever you type in is live and meanwhile this is what was going on to get the google doc i obviously have to have wi-fi i'm on my laptop at the seat so the laptop is gigantic and I'm cursing it like, come on, come on, come on. And the top of the Google Doc says, trying to find a connection. And as soon as it found a connection, whores.

All right, let's go to international. Here we go. Here we go. A legal brothel in Wells, Nevada, has announced that customers with an I.D. from neighboring Utah will enjoy a 10 percent discount on all sensual services provided by its workers. Quote, Utah is our nation's most sexually repressed state, said Madam Bella Cummins. Do you think she calls herself Madam like if she goes to like, you know, Bennigan's or IHOP and can I get a name for your reservation? Yeah, I'm Madam Bella Cummins. And Cummins, is that her real name? Oh, I'm sure. Biological. At birth. On the certificate.

So she's owned and operated Bella's Hacienda Ranch for the past 37 years. It's an hour from Utah State Line. And this year, Utah implemented a law requiring age verification for all porn sites in the name of creating reasonable safeguards for our children. How about this? How about you put an age requirement where you don't show it to guys over 50? Because it's too sad at this point. I don't want to see porn anymore.

I've seen it all. If I haven't seen enough to get me across the finish line at this point, then something's terribly wrong. I think they may going to lose money on some of these. The guy, the guy at Utah comes over and listen, my wife and I are swingers. So we'd like to get one of your gals. And here are my eight wives. And we are each going to get 10% off. Right. So we get 80% off, right? Is that how it works? 80% off. off, right? Is that how it works? 80% off?

I went to the Bunny Ranch, which is the whorehouse in Nevada that Dennis Hoff used to own. Hoff used to love you. Hoff loved me. And so he used to come to my shows when I was in Reno. And he goes,

hey, do you want to come out to the ranch? And I go, well, I'm married. And he goes, no, no, no. Just come out and take a tour. I want you to check it out. So I call Aaron and I said, to come out to the ranch and I go well I'm married and he goes no no no just come out and take a tour I want you to check it out so I call Aaron and I said can I go to the bunny ranch with Dennis Hoff and she said absolutely not and I said well what if I bring Kathleen Roll who was the feature act what if I bring her with me and she goes yeah yeah whatever just go weird strategy your wife says no you're like all like, all right, how about this? Can I go with a woman?

Who's actually really hot. And so he picks us up. He sends a limo for us. And we go to the ranch, and he gives us a tour. And I don't know why he wanted me to see it, because it's the saddest place in the world. It's a bunch of, like, you know, trailer homes. Oh, I've seen it. I mean, they had a TV show. Yeah. It's a bunch of like you know trailer oh i've seen it i mean they had a tv show

yeah it's a bunch of trailer homes and you walk in and there's a bunch of women that it's hot it is bad air conditioning and and you walk in and i meet all the girls and then they give me a tour and like one each room has a theme like one room has uh uh it's an snm room and there's like a a fucking uh hammock hanging from the ceiling that you put the person in. And another room has a hot tub, which if you get in a hot tub in a trailer at a whorehouse and you survive, you're a strong human being. I'd rather be on that Delta flight to Barcelona. Yeah. Less disease. So I see everything. And then Dennis pulls me aside and he goes, he goes, hey, man. You can have any of the girls. It's on the house. And I go, well, I've never been with a whore before.

And it wasn't a financial thing. I wasn't I wasn't waiting for a discount. Good point. Yeah. All right, let's get to some science and technology. All right. A woman suffered crippling pain after a medical device the size of a dinner plate was left inside her abdomen for 18 months. That's like my kids leaving a plate in the sink. About 18 months.

After she gave birth via cesarean. The unnamed woman. Why is it called cesarean, by the way? What does Caesar have to do with cutting a baby out of your stomach? Yeah, I don't know. I know Caligula famously would tie up your penis, force you to drink tons of water, and then give you a cesarean,

and everything would spill out. So the woman in her 20s went through the procedures because of whatever. She complained of severe chronic pain for months after the birth and they discovered that an alexis wound retractor a soft tubular device used to draw back the edges of a wound during surgery have been left inside of her weird alexa alex, get out of me. But what a backfire. It's like, all right, I want this procedure to remove my elevated maternal body mass was the phrase. And what do they do? They open her up and they throw a dinner plate

in there. That's not what she signed up for. No, but i guess it would be kind of handy if you're the kind of person that likes to lay in bed and eat while you're watching tv and you could just you know put the food right on your stomach on the plate you want to lean it yeah like we we should have surgically like put like little can holders little kook koozies in our stomach. It's not enough that they're in the lazy boy arm of the chair. Right. Right. I want to have it. I want to have a tissue box built into my chest. That's perfect. OK, dude, I look this up and it's it's not a good scene. Roman law under Caesar decreed that all women who were so fated by childbirth must be cut open. Hence, cesarean. Other possible origins include the verb sedere, meaning to cut,

and the term sazonese that was applied to infants born by postpartum operations. What? Damn. So every woman in Rome had to have their babies cut out of their stomachs? Well, now it's saying, despite what pop history tells us,

Caesarian sections were not named after the emperor Julius Caesar, who was reportedly born via a C-section. The term Caesarian is derived from the Latin word cesis, meaning to cut. Oh, that makes more sense. Makes way more sense. How is that other one so well written like it,

and how it's lived forever, that other explanation? Anyway. I thought maybe it was like a Caesar, named after a Caesar salad, because you take a couple of tongs and you get in there and you dig deep from the sides and pull it up. Or it's right before or after you're tossing that salad. Oh, hey now. What?

Let's do a little This Day in History. You got it. Let's do a little This Day in History. You got it. September 10th, 1897, a 25-year-old London taxi driver named George Smith becomes the first person ever arrested for drunk driving after slamming his cab into a building. He pled guilty and was fined 25 shillings. In the U.S., the first laws against operating a motor vehicle while under the influence went into effect in 1910 in New York.

In 1936, Dr. Roel Harger, a professor of biochemistry and toxicology, patented the Drunk-O-Meter, a balloon-like device into which people would breathe to determine whether they were inebriated. Wow. So that was it. 36. That was the first breathalyzer. What were they, like light it on fire and see if it exploded? It would gauge the proportion of alcohol vapors in the exhaled breath width, which reflected the level of alcohol in the blood.

Despite the invention, the breathalyzer, and other developments, it was not until the late 70s or early 80s that public awareness about the dangers of drinking and driving increased and lawmakers and police began getting tougher. I mean, I can remember, I mean, Jesus Christ, my parents drove, they would go out to eat and drink. Everybody did. All adults went out and they'd had three, four, five drinks, 10 drinks, and they all drove home. It was not a big deal. I once got pulled over. I had been drinking and the cop said, just drive directly home.

Yes. So for our younger listeners, this is pretty mind blowing. I, as I said earlier, went to boarding school. There were no cars whatsoever. And but we managed. It was the poor guy. So weird thinking back. He was he was a year older. So it's I've always viewed him as older. Meanwhile, the guy never lived to 19. while the guy never lived to 19, but it was on spring break and he died in a drunk driving accident. And that was the first one in Berkshire that like the boarding school that we kind of knew of. And when I remember saying that people were like, you, your high school doesn't have a kid who died in a drunk driving accident every year. It was every year in so many high schools in the 80s kids died of drunk driving it was baked into the equation yep it happened everywhere my one of my best friends tommy bucci this was actually after high this would have been during college actually just after college but it was still at the time where people did it and he was driving drunk and he got on a highway going the

wrong direction and had a head-on collision and died and two people in the other car died jesus it was fucking devastating he was hackley had it i remember i mean hackley had it. I remember, I mean, Hackley had it, uh, where that was in Tarrytown and that's where our sisters went to school. And, uh, and I know someone had happened actually in college, in college, in college, it didn't happen as much because I don't think as many students in a weird way, I don't think as many students are driving in college as in high school but uh i lost a friend in college in in chicago in wake uh not way is it wake forest no uh chicago yeah what's the lake forest exactly sorry so anyway yeah wow it's you know i mean this this article is right it was out of control. Yeah. And then Mothers Against Drunk Driving is the first one to make a dent in it. Yep.

No pun intended. Yeah. Oh, the cars were crazy. I mean, in some ways they were safer, but obviously in so many other ways they weren't. They didn't have the crash technology and the glass and all of that stuff. But your parents were driving around drunk in a big boat. That seems like a threat to buildings, bikers, pedestrians, everything. My dad, my dad once drove drunk into a tree and, uh, he was in the hospital for a couple of weeks

and, uh, they, we would drive past that tree almost every day. And it had all the fuck. It was like crushed in on the side all the bark was missing and it was like this tragic you know traumatic reminder every time we drove past it that's how your dad carved his initials on that bastard and that's all folks speaking of death jimmy buff. We just missed him last week. He actually died right after we started taping last week, so it was a while ago, but we'd be remiss in not talking about the great singer-songwriter

Margaritaville, Cheeseburger in Paradise. He died in Sag Harbor. That's a good place to die in Long Island. Sure is. He had carcinoma. He was 76. Wait, how old? 76.

I thought he would have been older than that. Yeah. He dropped out of college and was a shipyard welder. He was busking. He was a busker in New Orleans and then moved to Nashville to be a country musician. Yep. Busker in New Orleans, and then moved to Nashville to be a country musician. Yep.

His first record was a big flop, and then it seemed like it was all over, and then he moved to Key West, Florida to live a beach life and focus on literature. But he kept recording music in Key West, and his new lifestyle began to take center stage. His records had more success and no major breakthroughs until 1977, Margaritaville, from his seventh album, Changes in Latitude. The record was a big hit, going number two.

It also changed his career. His lifestyle, the island lifestyle, lounging in the sun with cocktails. He also had son of a son of a sailor and fins. And his followers became known as Parrot Heads. They wore Hawaiian shirts and came to his shows. And he opened up Margaritaville restaurant chains, a record label, casino partnerships, a retirement community,

and eventually was worth over a billion dollars. Yep. Wow. By all accounts, I mean, you see how many musicians, serious musicians have put up. He, by all accounts, was like the nicest guy from what I've heard. Well, it sounds like he never lost. I mean, there's something about struggling for a while that when you get to success,

you guard it and you appreciate it. And it doesn't go to your head as much because you know how it, you get the sense that it's a little bit of luck and you and you got and you had lightning strike and and you've also seen probably a lot of really talented friends and contemporaries not make it you know right yeah um but you know he's incredibly easy to make fun of don't don't me wrong. And that music and especially the Parrot Heads. But, you know, come Monday and changes in attitudes, changes in latitudes, you know, he has some good songs.

No doubt about it. Has some great songs as well. Son of a son of a sailor. So, you know, I just like that he's such a nice guy. Can you imagine? What do you think they're doing in that condo community? I think it's called Margaritaville. How the fuck are they dealing with his death right now?

Flags are at half-mast. Black armbands on the Hawaiian shirts. I mean, they must be so sad. All Margaritaville is just up to doubles. Everyone is doubling the rum in that thing. Dark rum. Dark day rum. Everybody's blowing out their flip flops.

God, if there's one place I don't want to go in my life, it's Margaritaville. Yeah. Let's cheer up. That was sad. Okay. Time for some funnies. You got it. So here's a weird one.

Maybe you can make sense of this. All right. But the king and the queen are standing in front of the castle. Hager and his boys are running away with all the treasure. They're laughing. Ha, ha, ha. And the king goes, I didn't appreciate what I had until Hager took it away. Yeah.

And then the queen yells out to Hager, take me away. You don't get that. She's choosing to be raped by bandits rather than stay with her husband? It's that simple. Exactly. Wow. She feels underappreciated.

And what would make her feel more appreciated would be a Viking gang rape. Wow. Yeah, it's weird. This is in the Sunday paper. It's women. It's women. And it's somehow kids that are reading the Sunday paper are reading Hager and

seeing that women want to be raped. It's crazy. Meanwhile, she's like, take me away, Hager, but he's clearly already taken her dignity away. Yeah.

And any self-respect. Yeah. Yeah. And now she's, uh, now she's uh now she's smitten uh speaking of smitten the lockhorns are sitting on the marriage counselor couch and loretta says as she points at leroy who's scowling leroy has grown during our marriage at least three pant sizes so she's doing fucking one liners at the marriage counselor's office yeah

here's one that here's a she hits him hard with this one she opens up his paycheck and he's just undoing his tie he just got home from work he's not even a minute home she goes are they paying you a salary or giving you an allowance?

I think if he ever hit her, I think the viewers would understand. Oh, yeah. I mean, we're going from Hager to that. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Okay. To cool myself off, I don't think I've done this one. It's a far side.

And in this 106, let's see if it's gone to 107. I'm going to check right now. It's a far side with Santa at the typewriter and still 106. And he's at a typewriter and he's typing away. And the headline of what he's typing is nine ways to serve venison how many reindeer and there's nine reindeer right i believe so right dancer and prancer and i wonder if i cut off and that's from 1981 oh you know why oh the date is up above it's december 26th that's weird it's up above i only look for captions below so that yeah that's what he's doing that's amazing the backups are in the pipeline yeah i like it um so here's here's fucking dagwood laying on the couch face towards the cushion and Blondie comes in and she's put together.

She's got on like an olive green short skirt just above the knee, matching shoes, a black velvet blouse, sleeveless hair is done to the nines. And this fucking guy not taking any of it in. Honey, are you going gonna spend the labor day just lying on the couch and he goes i sure am just like that i sure am it's not a discussion he's he's not picking up on the cues that she'd like to engage he goes i'd spend my whole afternoon sitting in my office chair so i'm enjoying this minute of the couch before Tuesday gets here. Here's what you do, Blondie. He's got his back to you. Pack your bags and get the fuck out.

Like that queen in Hager the Horrible. Take anybody. Hitchhike. Anybody's going to pick you up. Get in a windowless van. Anything is better than watching your beauty fade as this fucking donut-wearing zero ignores you. Exactly.

A disgrace to Labor Day. A disgrace. Ah. Well, listen, you guys have hung in with us once again. We apologize about the first few minutes not being recorded on my end. Hopefully you hung in with that. I think the old audio, the backup audio, as they say, will be fine. Shout out to Adam Eget in Austin.

Absolutely. Give him my love when you see him tonight. And don't forget to support our sponsors that support the show. You're going to go to Game Time and put in papers for $20 off your first purchase. And you're also going to go to prizepix.com slash papers and use code papers to get a first deposit match up to $100. Win 25 to 1.

Do it. Thanks to Midcoast Media, Beth and Key and John. And sadly, Chris Denman was busy. He's got some music festival he's producing this weekend, but we missed him. Hold on one sec. Curtis? Curtis!

Yes. God damn it. Curtis is the nicest fucking guy. I've got this block. I've had a block for his name for the last 10 years. I don't know why. He treats me like gold when I go there. He's such a good dude.

Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give a free, I'm going to blurt it out right now, his name. And I want Key to leave it here and leave this part of what I'm talking about now. And now you'll hear, when I blurted it out early in the show, that was an edit.

I didn't really blurt it out. Curtis Nelson. Actually, you should be like, blurted it out early in the show that was an edit i didn't really blurt it out curtis nelson actually you should be like i go curtis nelson now you should be like oh yeah oh yeah of course of course curtis there we go so that just jam that in in the top somewhere okay good uh because he deserves credit up top He does Alright It's 106 I'm going to take it each I'm going to take it each Take it each people

Entertainment science sports They know what we like Of course A missionary's funny too Greg it might give us the news On the Sunday paper Sunday paper Sunday paper We'll see you next time.