Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 182 9/17/23

Episode Date: September 17, 2023

The Jets break Mike’s heart, Boebert disrupts a musical, Bill Maher disrespects the strike and candidates streaming porn is the new stump speech. 

who doesn't make no sense and is not a gen so riff on my scruffy matador you can't find the door and now you're on your own got it and now we're gonna clap in three two one yeah read all about it read all about it sunday papers in the same room two cub reporters locked into the newsroom in person wow okay in person bringing you fresh stories it's very disorienting probably i'm speaking for everybody um yeah we both have on gray hats and dark shirts. Okay. We both went to the same college. We grew up in the same county in New York.

Sisters are friends. Fathers were friends. We need this review, huh? Married at the same time. Kids at the same time. Yep. Worked on some of the same TV shows. We have no problem with commitment.

You're married forever. I'm with commitment. You're married forever. I'm divorced forever. You're committed to being divorced. Yes. It's forever. Will you ever get married again? Uh, I think so.

Yes. That's exciting. That's what all married people say. That's their reaction. Do you know that someone at my, uh, like an engagement party, this guy gave a friend of my dad's gave

a toast and in the toast he literally said marriage is a fortress it's like a fort with the equal number of people trying to get in that are trying to get out and it got a big laugh but i'm like yeah well all right, well, I got out. I did both. You got in and out. You know, it's weird. So many fucking people get married for the wrong reasons. Like, I know a comic who got married, like, five years ago, and this motherfucker cheats, and everybody knows it. It's an open secret.

It's like, why'd you do it? I even said to him, I go, why'd you do it? He goes, I don't know. It's not going to last, but she wanted to. Oh, no. That's not good. Yeah. Well, I'm trying to think.

We have friends. We have a lot of married friends that have actually been together for a long time. time george and mallory uh uh the brickners the who else carolyn and dan anyway i guess not that many pete scott's divorced yeah i'm trying to think well laura and george laura and george been together many years my sister and husband have been together 25 years this summer. Yeah. Nobody in my family gets divorced. I have like 21 cousins and like two of them got divorced. Oh, wow.

All right. Sort of related in terms of men and women. Did you see this meme going around this week that I should just ask you in case you didn't see it. How often do you think about the roman empire pretty often so this is what happened a woman asked her husband that or somehow found out about that and she's like that's weird and i think that he thought about it a lot yeah he's like i don't know three times a week or something yeah she's like, that's weird. And I think that he thought about it a lot. He's like, I don't know, three times a week or something. She's like, what? So women then started asking and then it got so popular.

They started filming and women, their minds were blown. How often we think about the Roman Empire. I literally just listened to a podcast two days ago. Dan, what's his name? Hardcore history. Oh, OK. Yeah, I haven't listened to a podcast two days ago. Dan, what's his name? Hardcore History. Oh, okay. Yeah, I haven't listened to that. He did a thing about how Caesar did more genocide than probably Hitler.

Dan Carlin? Dan Carlin. Dan Carlin. When Caesar basically took over the Celt, the Celts. The Celts, by the way, I thought it was Ireland. The Celts was basically all of Europe during that time period. And they went in and there was no, like, even with like Genghis Khan, they would capture a town and then they would go,

all right, you guys are ours now. We good? And they'd be like, we're good killing us you get 20 you get the vig right off the top and then they'd move on and they'd conquer another town and they'd say keep your culture we're not going to change your language we're not going to make you worship our gods just fucking pay the pay the fee but then caesar came in and just fucking they and no gunpowder just literally hatchets and axes and swords and they killed like many millions of people wow and people celebrate caesar is this fucking great guy he was a he was a maniac okay i believe you you think about the

roman empire a couple times a week week. So women were like, and, and they show like the fights and it's like, well, cause a lot of it, I guess is what else are you thinking about? And I'm trying to think what the equivalent is. Dickie and I were talking about what the equivalent is. And it's, I think it's, uh, if you asked a woman, how often do you think about the Royal family? Right. I think that's the equivalent, which is very similar. It's an empire. I would also say ADD. They're obsessed with everybody having ADD, women.

Women are? Yes. That what? Like they accuse it in a disparaging way? No, no, no. That they want to be supportive of it. They want to understand ADHD, how it affects their kids, how it affects their friends they think everybody's got adhd now but i guess there was one funny clip that diggy said i didn't see it but he saw and he goes uh

i guess it's like it kind of gets in an argument and i might be blending two of them but it's like uh well he's like how do you have all that time he's like i can handle everything else in my life and occasionally think about the roman empire during the week so they're like fights like that and then there was one where it was like a like what do you think about he's like well the other day i was thinking about how unbelievable the aqueducts are she's like what's an aqueduct it literally changed civilization aqueducts oh no i do when i think about it i also think well first of all i think about marcus aurelius a lot and the algorithm knows i do so i well because he's very he's very in right now the stoicism i get a lot of stoicism stuff i get a lot of stoics

uh studies and stoics and all that stuff, and all that stuff. But that, not to cut you off, but that thinking is like the heart of all new psychology. It's all about cognitive distortion. Marcus Aurelius talked about your feelings are not facts. Right. Also, they talk a lot about anxiety. I think that's why they're so in vogue now, which is the idea of being present and any like discomfort you have usually is coming from worry about things you can't control. Exactly. And the future. Yeah. Right.

So I think about that. But, yeah, their organization. And what else did I think about regarding them? I forget what. But the royal family is so I mean, with my wife, it's like, first of all, you're Irish. Your heritage is, she's half Jewish, half Irish. How do you fucking care about the royal family

that literally oversaw the slaughter and occupation of Irish people for 800 years? She's quite the bundle of victimhood. Yeah, right. I know. Yeah, right. I know. Yeah, so. She should be a third black also. She never did answers to DNA.

Maybe she's got very thick hair. Okay. All right. By the way, we went away this week. We went to, did I tell you about this what oh no you oh yeah i want to follow up this is the timeshare yes all right so we get offered a timeshare deal at a hyatt in escondido well that's a little deceiving you were offered uh to go hear a timeshare pitch right four nights in a really nice resort all i gotta do is sit through 90 minutes of some

fucking douchebag telling me to buy a timeshare okay so we go of course it's it's it was two hundred dollars plus you got a hundred dollar in hotel credit and i gave you an out i give you an idea for an out right all right so let's see so i show up and the place is huge. There's six or eight pools. That's how big it is. And they're spread out all over this giant acres of stuff. There's two golf courses. There's pickleball. There's tennis.

There's Frisbee golf. I saw that. You posted that. Yeah. I took mushrooms and played Frisbee golf at sunset. And it was one of the great experiences of my life. And the condo was gigantic with a big deck overlooking the golf course and two fireplaces and um it so it was a great experience we went in the pool and fucking hung out and

played pickleball like four times she got really into it all right and um so then it came time you know the the the call the come to come to call what's the uh come to jesus moment the come to jesus moment and we go in and i'm like all right we're not getting the time share because i know her and she is a marketer's dream she just buys in she's so trusting and so we go in and this guy sits down with us and right out of the gate, he goes, so what do you do for a living? To me. And I go, why'd you ask me? How come you didn't ask her? And he goes, oh, I'm sorry.

What do you do? And she goes, well, I'm a doula. And he goes, oh, so you help like rich families and then they get their kids into fancy private schools? She goes, actually, no, that's not my client. My clients are underprivileged, mostly. Strong start. And then he goes, so where do you guys live? And he goes, L.A.

And he's like, oh, great, so you guys are responsible. He starts shitting on L.A. And then he goes, what do you do? I go, I'm a comedian. He goes, oh, so you can't talk about anything woke? I go, no, actually, I go to comedy clubs and I talk about whatever the fuck I want. Like, this guy was 0 for 5. Wow.

Because it's Orange County and he's some fucking right wing, you know, just. I told the story this week. Sorry to interrupt, but I told the story this week where you guys were, Aaron's half Jewish, and you guys are with a wedding plan or whatever. And you're like, yeah, we were thinking maybe a little. And Guy's like, well, I didn't know you'd chew me down but yeah let's do it like that's right not knowing and he used the phrase chew me down all right what other nationality is there a phrase like chew me down oh you could say showing up irish is showing up with no wine or food to a

party yeah i don't get those Irish ones. Same with Irish goodbye. The Irish goodbyes I know are the longest in the world. That's what I said. Yeah, I know. I don't understand some of those expressions. No, the last people at our parties are Fitzgerald, O'Neill. And Irish, I think, always show up with booze.

I mean, so I don't get that either. Well, a lot of times, Mary Fitzgerald shows up with a briefcase with her own high-end vodka and mixers and fruit because she wants her drink exactly right exactly um so anyway we took the tour and it was the heart you're sitting down with the guy now he's sitting down five and then he gets into his pitch and it's you know you don't vacation off he appeals to the fact that we don't live life that we don't, you can't go back. And it's kind of like, yeah,

this guy's right. But, um, but then like, uh, he gets into like, it would be 30,000. You pay them $30,000 plus a thousand dollars a year in a man,

management fee to get a week. I'm like, I can get a week for the thousand dollars. Like what the fuck do I need to pay the 30 grand for? And so anyway, walk out. Aaron's like, I can get a week for the thousand dollars. Like, what the fuck do I need to pay the 30 grand for? And so anyway, walk out. Aaron's like, this isn't a bad idea. I'm like, no, this is a fucking bad idea. And they also took, it lasted three and a half hours.

And I started, so I finally said, I have a Zoom call. I got to get out of here. And then they kept, and then they, you know, they bring in the closer. They bring in this Persian woman who had fangs and just fucking went at us. And so Denman's writing timeshare. Yes, Denman? What would have sealed the deal? Oh, they got to Denman.

Now Denman's closing you. He wants me to get a timeshare in St. Louis. Yeah. Not in the spring because that's when the riots are um i would what would have sealed the deal if there was no thousand dollar management fee i would have seriously considered it because that's it not the 30 grand yeah but the 30 grand you pay it but you can sell it off and your kids get it they inherit it so once you pay the 30 grand they give you points and you use the points to buy the rooms every year.

And where can you, it's at that one location? No. Hundreds of thousands of locations. It's the Hyatt and another high end resort plus condos, complexes. He's like, where do you want to go? And I was like, Vietnam. He's like, we got 500 properties in Vietnam. Like you can go anywhere. Wow. And you don't get the blackout dates and you can upgrade to a bigger unit if you want to go? And I was like, Vietnam. He's like, we got 500 properties in Vietnam. Like you can go anywhere and you don't get the blackout dates and you can

upgrade to a bigger unit if you want to bring your family. And, and they're like, you know, kitchenette apartment. So when you travel, you can cook and whatever. Anyway.

So, so we, we bailed on that, but, but you got a free, free trip. Had a blast. Nice.

Watch the jets game. Sorry, man game sorry man sorry yeah we'll talk about it later uh that it's it's perfect it's just perfect it's perfect it is perfect it could not have been scripted better by everybody who hates the fucking jets and all jet fans are like this is the most familiar feeling in the world. Do you think, well, we'll talk about it later. We've already had a Green Bay quarterback legend Hall of Famer come and get injured to the Jets. Favre? Yeah.

Favre? Like, we've already been through this. Yeah. All right. Well, they're both douchebags. Favre and him are both douchebags. You know, Aaron Rodgers was an election denier. Yes, I haven't really.

Later on, he finally came around and he said that he should admit he lost. But in the crucial moments where it was going down, he was an election denier. So fuck him. He's seen UFOs. Yeah. Oh, has he? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that.

Oh, describes it on hard knocks describes the night he saw the in vivid detail but in hard knocks did he ever talk about trump oh no not at all did he talk about vaccines no see i think they made a deal with him you can film me but i'm not going to talk about x y and z which is why i stopped watching the show after two episodes i was like are we gonna fucking are we gonna keep all they did was glorify him. They made him seem like the greatest fucking guy in the world. He was so likable. He was likable, but he also has a bad history.

He ran out with the American flag and a lot of very liberal New Yorkers lost their minds. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Like in a good way, I mean. Yeah. Later in the show, we're also going to talk about lauren bobert is it bobert or bobbert let's go bobert russell brand the caught escapee

we're this is a deep tease folks the strike scabs bill maher and drew barrymore and then mexican martians um i also have my niece and nephew swung through town from New York. They drove across the country. They went to four national parks, blew their minds. Oh, wow. Do you know about the Zion? There's like a river you walk up through the cliffs. Oh, yeah, I did it with the girls. You did it? I did it with the girls.

They told me it was insane. Like, you're walking against the current, and the water's freezing, and you're in the shade the whole time. Yeah, it's a canyon. I mean, a steep, narrow canyon. I should remember the name, but we did it. We walked up there during the pandemic. Do you remember, like, really in the pandemic, put the girls in the car and drove up to Jack's Place in Jackson Hole? Yeah.

Because the condo was empty. On the way did Zion. Would you do it again, Zion? Oh, God, Zion's unbelievable. But this is the thing you should do. Like, you know, there's a website that tells you the least crowded days at Disney World. Really? Yeah, there is one. That's and someone goes at Magic Mountain here in the valley. Someone goes the day to go is Mother's Day he's like because mexicans take that shit seriously that's exactly the way the guy told it to me he's like he's like mexicans have to be they can't go to magic mountain on that sunday mother's day yeah that's the day to go

so anyway there probably is a site like that i'm sure there's the data on when to go because you'll be fighting crowds because there's another climb in zion which is unbelievable which like they put rails and little stairs and it's a treacherous hike on a ridge yeah it's one of the most beautiful places i've seen in my life we went to that we just didn't do the hike but man it's gorgeous yeah So they came through town and my niece and nephew, we went to Ireland with them. Yeah. They drank like they both went to SUNY schools, which are just fucking,

it's like the opposite of an AA meeting. And they came out of there and they, they, they took Owen out. And the next morning I woke up to Owen vomiting profusely, which is what happened in Europe when he tried to hang with them. He ended up vomiting all morning. And they're up like fine, 100%.

Wow. Yeah. But I love them. They're great. And my niece just moved to San Diego. I got her a job at the La Jolla Comedy Store. Oh, that's right. I remember you telling me that.

Yeah, so she's going to make some cash there. She's got three roommates. She just moved in, loves them all. So I'm going to go down and see her. I'm going to be working down in that area next weekend. So I'm going to go see her. Oh, that's great. I flew back from Houston. So Southwest, which I hate Southwest. Not as bad as they used to be, though. Really? Okay. Well, all I know is it feels like you're on a bus. Yeah.

It's an Airbus, I guess. So I counted because I couldn't believe how many I saw. 13 wheelchairs getting on the flight. Uh-huh. 13. Yeah, because they get to go first. Yeah, but so, but listen, I'm judging, of course, but most of them seem to need it because of obesity. So Houston is the, was, and I guess people can write in with a correction.

Houston was the fattest city in America. I don't know what data they used or whatever, but it got that moniker like rather recently. I believe it. there were so many fat people in houston it was crazy so 13 wheelchair and i thought it was going to be one of these miracle flights where like when we land there are only three needed right because they wanted especially on southwest you want to board early uh no they even had to announce when we landed, they only had eight and they're looking for five more. And so these fat people stayed seated.

And by the way, maybe they're disabled also, but I don't know. They're diet challenged. Okay. They're diet. So, and then when I left and got on the, you know, whatever that thing is, the walkway, there were all the chairs waiting for the piano for the bunch of them, like trying to squeeze in the chairs. Was the ramp sagging in the middle? I got out of that ramp fast.

So that was crazy. Well, the thing. And I was C-29. Oh, no. Here's the thing. It used to be that 24 hours before the flight, if you logged in, you could grab a section A or a section B to board. Now they do a thing where you pay $40 in advance and then they automatically put you in section A or B, whichever fills up. So if you don't pay that 40 bucks, you're in a fucking middle seat.

For me, they wanted 50. So I didn't do it. So C-29, I finally get on. you're in a fucking middle seat for me they wanted 50 so i didn't do it so c29 i finally i finally get on and there's a window seat in like the fourth row and this old india like from indian from india couple is sitting there and uh and there's like a couple of things on the on the window seat and so i walk in keep in mind i'm c. I'm one of the last people. And I'm like, is that seat taken? They're like, that's taken. So I'm like, and I look at them and they're not very, cause I think they're like honest people. So they're not good liars and they were lying.

Yeah. And so I know that's a weird phrase. So, um, it seemed bizarre. So I was like, I just go, okay. And I look at them, I'm like, okay. okay and but not a lot of attitude and i move on i get like three rows up and people are behind me too so there's no going back and i hear the flight attendant rip them a new one like you can't lie that sees so all of a sudden the flight attendant and the two indians are beckoning me to come back like oh it's free oh no yeah and i'm like it's fine it's fine i got on a southwest flight one time and i got on late and i'm walking down the island it was la to i might have been with you it was la to vegas and as i walk down i see a row and there's a dude with a beard and mirrored sunglasses and he's got his head against the window and he's got his right leg across the middle and the aisle seat and everything's filled up and it's fucking

matthew mcconaughey no and i thought i'm gonna tell him to move and sit next to him and then i went nah give him the row it's fucking matthew mcconaughey wow and i went took a middle seat couple rows behind him someone uh someone filmed a little comedy video where they're like, this is how you have to see next to your free on Southwest, is you are just so bright-eyed and cheery, and you pat it. You're like, sit down. Sit down. To everyone that walks past you.

No one will take it. That's hilarious. Yeah. I mean, I would imagine there's some racism involved in seat choices as well fucking indians so i'm saying so uh what's this mediterranean meme of the week that was the roman empire i want to hide it from you in case you've seen it and we could talk about this next week but i love elon musk's new book is coming out and he blames the second most painful thing in his life which is his daughter who wants to basically disown her family uh she went to crossroads where my daughter is

now a senior and he blames that school for turning quote his transgender daughter into a communist wow he is fine with the transgender stuff. Even the guy wait to the, was it the, the child was a son and now a daughter. Um, exactly. Okay. And, uh, but he's fine with the trans thing. It's that, uh, he believes that she was taught that all rich people are evil wow yeah and his daughter goes to went to crossroads went to crossroads yeah so he talks about it and then it said uh they gave a little history crossroads is ranked number six in niches best high schools for arts and whatever it's been called it's been called a nepotism baby school for its history of educating the children of celebrities some famous alumni are kate hudson

jonah hill gwyneth paltrow jack black jack black the deschanel sisters there's way way more than well and then the uh gwyneth paltrow and uh chris kid goes there. Kids go there. Yeah, both. And Apatow. Yep. No, the list is super long of how many celebrities' kids go there. What's her name? Elaine from Seinfeld. I'm spacing on her name.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Yep, her kids. So anyway. But that being said, it's a great school. But it's definitely a school that's known for using correct pronouns, not saying, not triggering. There's a lot of sensitivity to triggering and all that stuff. Yeah. And a lot of protests by the kids.

Right. And then, yeah, I don't think it's a great school but um i'm i'm paying them but uh the pro the pronouns slid that in there the pronouns are confusing uh where like it even happened i don't know how much of this okay anyway olivia was going to take an Uber to a concert and she named two other people. And then she goes. And then I was like, oh, and then what about. And I mentioned another friend and they're like, oh, yeah, like they're not coming. I'm like, well, yeah, they they couldn't fit.

And she's like, they is one dad. And the best is frustrated at me. yeah oh god i'm so sorry i thought they was more than one that's on me and when she said we're gonna we're gonna take an uber you're like who you going with no dad i'm a we now yeah exactly it's just me um so let's get to the logo this week. Bruce Wise did an end of summer tribute to the old Coppertone ad. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Very cute. And oh, my God.

David Chamberlain. What a butt on me. Yeah. Tight, man. Doing some rollerblading these days. Well, I prefer to say lunges, but OK. these days well i prefer to say lunges but okay um and uh david chamberlain who is a just superlative musician and uh has a great company here in la that produces uh if you're ever looking for somebody i think it's called la record i i forgot to write it down um i'll mention in the

next episode but anyway he took last week i pretended that bernie taupin had written some lyrics and uh i did them and you believe they were so bad that you actually believe they were real that is very true so he took the lyrics that i literally riffed off the top of my head and uh he put that he put that music and that harmonizing behind it, which was pretty incredible. DBW Productions. Nice, Chris. Although I don't think that's right. I don't think it is DBW Productions.

You know, a lot of listeners wanted me to listen to Marc Maron interviewing Bernie Taupin, speaking of that. And so I got like halfway through it or something like that. And it's not bad. I agreed with a bunch of things. One is Maron did not finish his whole book or even read his whole book talpin's book like for the interview so i like i like that and talpin called him out on it did he have elton john do the audio book and make it way better than it was i wish i wish they didn't get into that uh bernie talpin

said he's not a poet i liked hearing that he also said he doesn't like uh if i was a poet but then again no no then again not even close uh and uh he says he doesn't like songwriter either good we're on the same page there i think he called himself a lyricist that's where he loses me okay uh he doesn't like john wayne bernie toppin who's obsessed can i just back up for one second lyricist is to songwriter what humorist is to comedian like dave barry dave barry is a humorist yes you know the the people that write columns for shouts and murmurs in the new yorker you know are humorists yeah they can make unfunny people in some expensive parlor laugh. Yes. Right. OK, I get that. And then what else? There was something

else. Yeah, he didn't do all that. And I have he's a he he fancies himself a cowboy, Bernie Taupin, and owned a ranch in california and all that stuff anyway uh but you know i couldn't do it i have not read his book i won't read his book uh he seemed like a nice enough guy well marin can bring out the best in people corrections uh toby says the delta passenger who shat all over the plane was dot dot dot a woman uh an interesting additional tidbit they cleaned the plane up the woman cleaned herself up got back on the plane and they all flew to barcelona that can't be true that seems like a shitty flight pardon the expression jesus if that was southwest right she had her own row that's one way to get it lucia ribeiro which who's a

friend of the show said a correction mike made a comment about dark rum in a margarita while you talked about the death of jimmy buffett mike referred to putting a double shot of rum in a margarita wrong oh margarita is basically tequila lime juice and triple sec no rum of course you couldn't correct him you've been off the booze all this time. True, yeah. I guess because you know what it was. I don't know why I brought it up, but I put dark rum with fruit in a blender. So I don't know what.

I guess that's a daiquiri. I don't know what that is. I guess that's a daiquiri, whatever the fruit is. A mixed fruit daiquiri. Is there such a thing? About two weeks before Jimmy Buffett died, a friend of mine who's a big celebrity was invited to Jimmy Buffett's bedside for the last two weeks of his life. Unbelievable.

And Paul McCartney was also invited. And Paul offered to sing to Jimmy while he was on his deathbed. And so they gathered on the lawn and he sang on the porch. And I go, I'm guessing Let It Be was the first song. He's like, Let It Be was the first song. And then he played. Then he played All New Stuff. And Jimmy Buffett personally kicked the plug out of the wall.

He played Norwegian Wood. So that's pretty amazing. And then he died like a week later wow i tell you i read a lot of you know jimmy buffett's one of those guys that's just sort of been in the landscape of our lives and i've never taken him seriously because you just hear that one song so many fucking times and his fans with the parrot whatever but then you read his life and i mean we talked about him last week but i've read even more about him he was a fucking journeyman you know he he paid his dues he struggled for a long time and he was a very decent guy and like my friend was saying like he's known him for a long time he said he does shit he was the kind of guy who got up early went fishing made a party made dinners for people

like really was a pretty special guy you know what reminds me of him is sammy hagar and i think it's because really yeah because that cabo labo and margaritaville yeah and i think uh i think they're very similar in ways i think i've heard nothing but good things about them, number one. They're very criticized by music elitists, including me. But I think they're very solid guys who do a lot and are very outgoing. I think I would put Mike Love in there from the Beach Boys. All right. Because he is the best version of those guys because his music is so unquantifiably better. I don't know a lot about it. Does Mike Love write songs? He wrote songs. But, you know, Brian Wilson pretty much wrote everything. But yeah,

Mike Wilson did a lot of the harmonizing and and all that. No, Mike Love. What did I say? Mike Wilson. Oh, Mike Love. And and now there's sort of two wings of the Beach Boys. Me and my daughter went to see Brian Wilson perform Pet Sounds, the entire album, down in San Diego together. She was really into the Beach Boys because she was surfing so much. And so she was like 12, and just me and her drove down. And we were laughing. We had a game about I had Hawaiian shirts and she had flip flops and see who would win spotting the most at the concert.

That's perfect. But he was amazing. But then he's got his band and then Mike Love has got a couple of the other original Beach Boys and they tour separately. Which one has John Stamos? Mike Love. OK. All right. Then we got a correction from Derek Chamberlain.

This is long, so let me skim through it. New York Jets and their cruel disappointments. That there's a salary cap. You can't compare them to the Yankees who can buy a championship. Right. But we also were talking about when you get a star in New York, the amount of side hustles they can have. Right.

You know, it's just sponsoring. You can make a fortune just with New York sponsors. Yeah, and you're going to become more of a celebrity. And so you're going to be able to do the reality shows and get the broadcasting jobs and marry a hotter chick. All of it. I mean, if you're playing for the Detroit Lions. Marketing and advertising capital of the world. mean, if you're playing for the Detroit Lions, you're marrying a seven. Marketing and advertising capital of the world.

That's where you're playing. Right. On an unrelated note, my favorite sports fact is that the Jets' last Super Bowl victory occurred prior to the moon landing. So they play today, Sunday, against the Cowboys. Cowboys are like a nine, nine and a half. And of course, they go to George, brother-in-law George. He's so superstitious and such a bad attitude. But he likes the Cowboys? Cowboys are like a nine, nine and a half. And, of course, I go to George, brother-in-law George.

He's so superstitious and such a bad attitude. But he likes the Cowboys. And he's like, well, I go, where should we watch this game? He's like, I'll watch my disappointment anywhere. I'm like, you know, you're a nine-point favorite. You've won five Super Bowls. Yeah. And it's just crazy.

It's like I wish I could confuse my Super Bowl from before the moon landing. Where are we watching that? I'm in. I know. I mean, should we just do Penmar? Do Penmar. Not fight it? Yeah.

Also, I think Jojo, you mentioned that, and Owen, we should get a date on the books for going to see Stop Making Sense remastered in theater. No. Yes. Holy shit. Yeah. So I've already looked it up and it's playing around it's imax i remember seeing that in the theater and being blown away i've talked about a lot on this podcast via jonathan demi from silence of the lambs he directed and there is a story and there's a great youtube video where a guy really takes a critical analysis of the film. Like now he's dancing with the Lambshade, which is, you know, Fred Astaire.

But it's about a guy like, I don't know about commitment, then committing anything, then heartbroken. Whatever it is, he tracks the narrative in a concert film, which is very cool. Wow, that's amazing. Wait, who directed it again? Jonathan Demme. Damn. Yeah. Shot at the Pantages in December of, God, 84?

I don't know. All right, let's do it this week. Yeah. And then Mark G. said you were telling the story of the black leather, black person tow truck debacle. Making off-the-cuff jokes about white person, white leather seats. The colorblind tow truck driver, Mike, then says something to the effect of, it's not my fault you have me towing geckos. He was thinking of chameleons.

I was. They're the ones that change color patterns. I was. Mark G says, you were trying to do an Al Pacino impression, but you were doing Marlon Brando at first. That would be you. Because of The Godfather, your brain wiring made a leap.

Then you did the Fly Pelican Fly, which is Pacino from Scarface. And that is truly one of the great jokes of film history. I just thought, you want to talk about a joke written in character. Here's this fucking coke head sitting in a hot tub drunk on champagne, looking at a flamingo going fly pelican. And, you know, somebody was on set and thought of that.

There's no way you thought of that before. They must have had it on the screen and they went, you know, it'd be funny if he fucking says fly pelican. You don't think he came up with it on his own? No, Pacino's not funny. Yeah, but I read this week that in Heat he screams a line, something like, she's got great tits or something like that. No, she's got

a great ass! Oh, great ass. That was totally out of nowhere and the reaction shot was genuine. Really? Yeah, apparently. And they didn't break. All right, maybe he thought of it. Yeah. Then this was from Manalo Mattis.

I didn't know whether to put this in corrections, but I think because we doubted it was true, I put it in. At least four infants have contracted herpes in New York City in the past six months after undergoing a circumcision rite in which the ritual circumciser, or mole, cleans the circumcision wound by oral suction. Three cases of herpes have been reported since December in the Metzitzah Bay.

This was reported by the Wall Street Journal, by the way. Whoa. Babies were hospitalized, got IV drugs, and are now recovering. So yeah, that is part of certain sects of the Jewish faith. So, you know, apparently everyone's, they attribute a lot of it. I don't know what percentage to adults kissing babies. No shit.

Like, oh, look how cute and all that. Because everyone has it. And that through zero to like three years old or whatever it is adults kissing is one of one of the ways that so many people have it so i don't doubt it babies are giving herpes to people and if these rabbis are sucking dick then there you go damn yeah and then priests get a bad rap oh here is a diamond just wrote in an estimated 3.7 billion people under 50 67 percent globally have herpes simplex type 1 that's at 1 uh an estimated 491 people or 13 percent have type 2 which may cause the cause of genital herpes. Right. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ or whoever's pulling the strings. I had so much unprotected sex with so many people.

I don't know how I didn't get herpes. How do you know you don't have it? I mean, like the genital, the type two. When I got divorced, I then met someone and they were like, have you been tested? I've never been asked that quite i mean it was relatively new and whatever and so i'm like no and they're like well we're not sleeping together until you get tested i'm like oh wow so what that downtown

santa monica or wherever it is some lab that does it like oh you barely have to type it in google and a million places pop up and i was scared i'm like holy shit is this when i learn i have whatever that herpes is yeah and they and and this is how i learned how the type one is it goes um oh with with with the cost of the test you get free counseling for anything except the one we just talked about type one. Okay. Cause they're like, we're not giving a fuck. Everyone has that. We're not, you don't need counseling. And so, uh, but in reading about it and in my fear and, and I didn't have it, I was like, they're like a lot of people have it that don't know. Our good friend got it.

I'm not going to say who, but he got the genital. I don't know who that is. I do know this. Remember, I lived in that complex with the loft, and there was an attractive woman who I became friends with down the hall. We never did anything, but attractive woman, and she had two daughters. And so our daughters became friends, and it was a very nice thing. Like, I'd come home, the daughters would be over there and everything. Her, I wonder how much, I guess I could say all of it as long as you don't add to it. She was married to an NFL star, a guy who has a Super Bowl ring even.

Can we say what she did for a living? What? Can we say what she did for a living? I don't think we know that. Prior to, in her past, what she had done for a living. I don't think we should, but I don't think you know. But anyway. in her past what she had done i don't think we should but okay i don't think you know but anyway i do know it's weird i forgot anyway no what go ahead say she was a cheerleader she was an nfl cheerleader no yes i don't think so she was nope okay anyway no they met in college and i know which college because he was a star there

anyway uh and then she didn't finish because she was younger than him and they both uh went off i think we're getting we're narrowing it down aren't we anyway he cheats on her and she found out because she got genital herpes oh dude yeah that is fucking brutal. Because every time she sees that herpes, it's a reminder of that motherfucker. Oh, they're divorced and she has to tell everybody. Oh, God. Yeah. Did you read in the doc? Is that the right name that Denman just wrote down?

That is not the right name. Okay. That guy's clean. You can sleep with him, Chris. You know what Aaron reminded me of recently is when we first started dating and i maybe this is too personal but i'm going to share it anyway because that's the kind of yeah because why get to the news what what minute are we i know we're at 45 minutes and we haven't told a new story um we uh we used protection wow Wow. Weirdos. Until we both got AIDS tests.

Oh, right. Do you remember that era? Yeah. This was in 1997, 96. And yeah, people got AIDS tests before they stopped using protection. It's a long time ago. But yeah, I remember when AIDS, we thought about AIDS more, but it was long. And people probably don't know. Anyway, curb your enthusiasm accepts outside ideas.

There's some arrangement and you get you get paid and all that. But you you kind of have to be on the inside. Anyway, I wrote ideas and one idea I had, which I thought would be a good curb is Larry's trying to get in shape. And he sees these guys in the gym who are just so fit. So he goes up to one. He's like, you know, what's your secret? And the guy goes, and anyway, Larry finds out he's gay and has HIV. And he's like, what the fuck? You're more alive than I am. This is crazy. And he goes, I'm doing whatever you do. And so Larry winds up going to an aids doctor and he gets the shake that they have every morning and he takes the he takes the aid shake every morning and works out and does all that but i thought that's hilarious he goes no matter what

it is you do i'm doing it here's what i'm doing i'm going to escondido to the grand comedy club september 22nd, 23rd. This is all in the next month. Shirley Mass, Manchester, New Hampshire, Nashua, New Hampshire, Foxborough, Mass, Sacramento, Arlington, Virginia, Baltimore, Houston, Bakersfield, San Francisco, Fort Worth, Atlanta. Here you are in Houston.

In Houston. There it is. I want to hear the wheelchair count. Go to FitzDawg.com. Get some tickets. Also, just announced, I'll be making my triumphant return to the mothership in Austin. And that will be on November 18 through 20, I believe. 17 through 19, I'll be at the mothership. Of when?

Wait, when? Of November. Wow. I loved it there. It was great. Come back? Wait, when? Of November. Wow. I loved it there. It was great. Come back. Come with me. Yeah, I know.

Maybe. Also, let's talk a little bit about if you're going to get tickets to my show, I don't think you can use game time, but you can use it to get any. You can get music. You can get theater. You can get sports. Game time is your conduit to fast, easy, last minute tickets that are going to be cheaper than any other tickets you get. It's a couple taps on your phone. It

downloads right in. No printing, no transferring. It's just done. And game time has a guarantee. If you find the same tickets for the same show in the same row and section, they will give you 110% of the difference. Also, take a look around. They've got on the app, you can see the view from your seat, so you get a sense of what it's going to look like. What do we got going on in the app right now? All right, you ready? UCLA football, which is today, because we're recording this on a Saturday,

down to $14. Yeah, nobody goes to those fucking games. You're not supposed to say that. And then Rams, $147. That's tomorrow. They're 1-0. And then today, here's a great example. Today, Los Angeles Angels, $1.

Wow. Now, if you bought those in advance, you would have paid $50, $60. You wait. You jump on game time, and they have these last-minute flash deals. And it's really amazing. Here's the Dodgers for Monday, and I'd wait, but it's $11. Fastest-growing ticketing app in the country. Snag the tickets without distress with GameTime.

Download the GameTime app, create an account, and use code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code PAPERS for $20 off. Download GameTime today. Last-minute tickets. Lowest price. Guaranteed. Nice.

Anything you want to talk about? Yeah, man. With the busy fall season already in swing, you might be looking for wholesome, convenient meals for jam-packed days. Factor. Listen, we've talked about this before. Factor's great. America's number one ready-to-eat meal kit

can help you fuel up fast and chef-prepared. We love these. We have both gotten free samples from them. I've got to get another. I shouldn't say this, but I want another free sample. If not, I'm going to pay for it. It's restaurant quality food. It's so good that I got the high protein one and I sent it to my mom because she was losing weight after a heart surgery and she could not get enough. It's two minutes. It doesn't go in the freezer. It goes in the fridge. It doesn't go in the freezer. It goes in the fridge.

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having trouble keeping weight on. And I pushed it on him. He's not that guy. He doesn't want the hassle. He didn't want it. He rejected it. Next time I went down there, I saw a factor in there. I'm like, did I get it? And it was his friend forced him to get it. And he loved it.

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Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Let's see. We got some... You want to crinkle a box? There we go. Front page, baby! Are we doing this podcast?

U.S. Representative Lauren Boebert was escorted out of a Sunday night performance of the Beetlejuice musical in downtown Denver. What a horrible human being. Accused by venue officials of vaping, singing, recording, and causing a disturbance during the performance. Let me tell you something. There is a special place in hell for people that go to a collective experience like theater and cannot follow the fucking rules.

To think that you're so important first of all everybody knows you don't videotape a fucking show it's not a rock concert right and then she's talking apparently she's being groped by her boyfriend yeah that the new video came out i added that down your new video appears to show her being groped by her date during the show which is geared towards kids 10 and up the gop representative appears to have her chest groped by her date during the show, which is geared towards kids 10 and up. The GOP representative appears to have her chest groped. It doesn't appear. He's grabbing her tits. And then she grabs the crotch of her date. She's divorcing her husband of 18 years who pleaded guilty in 2004 to exposing his penis to a 17 year old in a bowling alley. The Congresswoman filed for divorce in May,

citing irreconcilable different differences as the reason for the split. So you didn't cite the sexual assault of the live dick pic. Also, it took you from 2004 till now to leave this guy who fucking took his dick out in a bowling alley. Well, to his defense, he was just drying his balls on that hand blower.

He, he didn't think anybody was gonna see he's waiting for the ball to aggressively roll up the ramp onto his cock and uh you know look apparently a pregnant woman was in the audience and and and she she asked her to stop smoking because she was pregnant and bobert called her a sad and miserable person for reporting her to an usher um she was talking non-stop she was singing song yeah and you were i told you i went to neil young who's like one of my favorite artists of all time and he did this intimate show at the what theater was i at the greek the greek which i'd never been to which is like it's amazing night you feel like you're in the woods.

Yeah. And these three fucking drunks sat down next to us. And you could hear a pin drop in his crowd. And these guys would not shut up. They ended up throwing up on the woman in front of them. I mean, there's just, and there's nothing you can do. And they're grabbing each other's tits and their crotches. Fuckers. If they grabbed my crotch, I would have given them a pass.

At least it would have helped me get through this. Yeah, well, nothing. You know, back in the day, that alone, that incident alone might derail a political career. Now it's not even a blip. There's nothing she can do to get people to not like her.

I read that she's already been reelected maybe twice. Yeah. I can't even believe it. Well, Mitt Romney, we didn't put this story in. This is the least embarrassing thing she's maybe twice. Yeah. I can't even believe it. Well, Mitt Romney, we didn't put this story in. This is the least embarrassing thing she's ever done. Yeah. Well, whatever.

Let's go on to the next one. Sure. Which is not too different, but this is the Democrats now. A Democratic Virginia legislative candidate whose race was rattled by the revelation that she and her husband live stream themselves having sex. Moved forward with her campaign Tuesday. I love it. Drew some early support in the high stakes contest.

Susanna Gibson, a nurse practitioner with two children, is running against a Republican businessman. She's been gaining support as an abortion rights candidate. First of all, go see this video. She's so fucking hot. Finally, having fun yeah right learn from the playbook finally a sex scandal for the old dems i can't believe a while she's got two kids she is smoking hot and she commits to this porn. And she's got this great tan line where she's kind of got a little burnt little tan, kind of with very white tits and genitals mixed with the tan and the sunburn. She was on Chatterbait, which is a site that often interrupts my business. But I love the name Chatterbait.

Although I'm usually not chatty while I'm doing it, but that's the name chatterbait what although i'm usually not chatty while i'm doing it but uh that's the name of it well i'll say this um you know if she wants to if she if she wants to promote if she's pro wait i wrote a joke about this and i can't find it um wait hold on oh because demnick put the picture in. Yeah, she looks good, doesn't she? Wait, where is she? Just above there. Oh, good Lord.

I mean, look, if she wants to be... Wow. If she wants to drive the point about needing abortions... She and her husband are getting too much sun. Then show unprotected sex with a guy you clearly don't love. All right, so wait. She should live stream the abortion that they have after this sex. And she's already role playing.

She's a nurse practitioner in real life. Yeah. All right, wait. That dude's not hard on the eyes either. Oh, they said not hard. He's hard. Wait a minute. So did this leak or she did this recently?

This just came up just last week. So she's doing that while running for office. Wow. No, I think they unearthed it. Oh, okay. Yeah, but it came out this week. All right. I don't know how long ago she did it, but God bless her. Chatterbait's not that old, I don't think.

Yeah. Okay. Let's get to Senator John Kennedy, a Republican in Louisiana who read explicit and sexually graphic passages from books allowed in Illinois schools as the fight continues for Republicans to keep inappropriate subject matter out of the reach of young children at public schools and libraries. What a boner killer. We were doing so well. And then this Republic, Oh, 71 year old male Republican just fucked it up.

He was, the, the moment instantly went viral as Kennedy read publicly in the Senate hearing room, words like masturbated ass, cock strap on harness. Oh, I'm getting a little fucking stiff here and dildo i take it back from

two pro lgbtq books gender queer and all boys aren't blue both books have been subject of discussions after they were removed from libraries in some schools because the explicit gay sex i mean jesus christ i remember do you remember the Judy Blume books when they came out and like I remember highlighting the girl getting her fucking period and passing it around it was such a big deal

and there was one where she's putting a bra on and they talk about it and now it's like I need a dildo god it's me Margaret what happened to the good old days, Mike? Did you see, wasn't it just made into a movie? It was great.

I saw it. Really? I think I told you this. I saw it with Aaron and JoJo. Yeah, Aaron and JoJo. I think Owen, too. And we sat down in the theater, and then it's all tween girls. The whole fucking theater is tween girls,

a lot with their mothers. Then this dude walks in alone and he sits down in the row in front of us. And I mean, he looks like a caricature of a child. A predator? A predator. Greasy hair, trench coat.

Wow. Sits down and then these girls sit down. The movie was sold out. So there was girls sitting on either side of him. And me and Aaron could not watch the movie because I was obsessed with looking over his shoulder to make sure he wasn't touching himself. And she was watching the armrest to make sure he wasn't reaching over to touch the girl. And I enjoyed the movie, but I was a little bit distracted. Sounds like it.

Before the lights came up, he was fucking gone. Oh, really? Yeah. And I think there's websites, pedophile websites, where they're just like, run, don't walk to the theaters for this. Because the movie is also like girls with bud tits putting bras on and running around in bathing suits in a sprinkler. And yeah, it's pretty like provocative. Meanwhile, it's like the LA Times film critic doing his job.

Yeah. And you and Aaron are all over him. Yeah, right. Yeah, I haven't seen it. You know what movie I did see? Just side note. I was on a plane and I watched The Farewell, the Chinese movie where they lie about the old woman dying.

That's the premise. I'm giving nothing away. I don't think i saw that oh i did see that uh well yeah i so again high expectations ruined for and and and then i liked it a lot i've been called a monster it was korean not chinese no it's chinese you sure a hundred percent chinese and so was made in china but it was korean oh jesus it wasn't it was she went to China and they spoke Chinese. And then one of the sons went to Japan. And the whole thing is,

but you're still Chinese and blah, blah, blah. Anyway, make a joke and make a peepee in her Coke. That's how I knew for sure it was Chinese. So anyway, it's weird. And then the end, it's it's an odd movie. Yeah. Awkwafina is in it. So it's an odd movie yeah aquafina's in it so it's an odd movie and so i guess i'm not allowed to say that when so many people loved it i guess it won a golden globe the old woman's amazing in it and um and it's it's just odd and that what i do is i love then going and finding the negative reviews to validate my view yeah Yeah. And they're great. They're like, this is so weird. There's no character growth on anyone's part. And there's, anyway, I just thought it was very weird.

Guess if Awkwafina is Korean or Chinese. Awkwafina, I'm going to say, is Korean. Half Chinese, half Korean. Everybody wins. Of course. How would Hollywood have the balls to let an actor play another race at this point all right but she spoke a lot of chinese in the movie um i'll just keep reading all the stories since you contributed almost nothing this week oh um

i have a ton coming up escape murderer danello i would have put this in if you beat me to it i beat you to it you didn't put anything in if you beat me to it. Beat you to it. You didn't put anything in up until an hour and a half before we started recording. It's fresh. It's hot off the press. These people don't want to hear old news. It's already old because we're doing it on Saturday. Danilo Calvacante was captured Wednesday morning after authorities tracked him down using thermal heat technology from an aircraft before a u.s border patrol tactical unit dog ultimately pinned him down don't yeah i can't believe it's

on a mechanical hound i've said it before oh good point good point when are those imagine and of course i'll be against it when it really happens You assign a dog a five by five block area and the dog just walks around. But the dog knows like all of a sudden you get like if it's if he hears a disturbance or there's a call instead of calling the Venice. Can it sniff drugs out of the air? Why not? I wonder. Yeah. Why not? Oh, yeah. You could give it an amazing olfactory mechanical olfactory thing. But like, you know, now you call someone right from Venice and everyone's like nine one one. And they're like forty five minutes later, they showed up. Well, now the dispatcher would be like, hey, dog, go two blocks away to check this out.

But like you're a bunch of guys. It's three a.m. You're under a car stealing the catalytic converter. You pass it out to the guy. The guy does, your buddy doesn't take it. You're like, what's going on? You look out and there's a fucking robot dog staring at you. And then you hear a voice out of the robot dog. Don't move.

And the dog won't hurt you because the dog has tasers. It has fucking gas. It could shoot at you. It could, it could do whatever. It also could outrun a car on, you know, short,

tight blocks for sure. And it could pop tires. You can, you can make this fucking dog do whatever. It also could outrun a car on short, tight blocks for sure. And it could pop tires. You could make this fucking dog do anything. Right. When's that coming? And when they retire it, Uber Eats can buy them and use them as delivery services. All right. So this guy, anyway, after two weeks on the run, he had broken out of prison.

Yeah. He was found wearing, you're going to love this, a Philadelphia Eagles hoodie. Of course. This dirtbag was wearing an Eagles hoodie. Of course. Did not have any significant injuries except for a minor dog bite. And he set off an alarm at a house, which led to the U.S. Drug Enforcement aircraft picking up a heat signal.

Wednesday morning after 8 a.m., they converged. And he didn't realize he was surrounded. He began to crawl through thick underbrush, taking his rifle with him. He had a.22 caliber. And then the scene, they had a dog, and it subdued him after he got circled. And then the scene, they had a dog and it subdued him after he got circled. And the dog, they said, the police dog was in a New York Giants jersey with LT written on the back. Jesus Christ. Never saw it coming.

Fun fact. I didn't know this. In most police sketch artists, when they're drawing a dirtbag criminal, they just instinctively put a Philadelphia team on them. Like Eagles. Sometimes it's a Phillies jersey. Right, right. And they're like, we're looking for this dirtbag. Yeah.

You would think like Skull and Crossbones, Oakland Raiders, but Las Vegas Raiders. And then odds are that's what it's going to be. And then that sketch artist gets a lot of credit. Like, wow, you are really intuitive. But this guy got out. He's 5'2", and apparently he crab walked between two buildings that's how he got out of the prison wow yeah those buildings are close together yeah so much for being a big guy in

prison i'm gonna be a fucking little guy man did i tell you i talked about i was i thought i thought about being in prison? I was watching MSNBC Lockdown. I was like, how would I do? Guys watch that show because they wonder, how would I do on the inside? Could I survive? Women, forget the Roman Empire. Do you at least once a week think about prison?

We all say yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you wonder if you could get through. And then I had a thought. This was my internal monologue. If I was in there, obviously, you. And you wonder if you get through. And then I thought, I had a thought. This was my internal monologue. If I was in there, obviously, you would try to train. You would do Krav Maga. You'd fucking work out, whatever.

Give yourself HIV. Get that rumor out there. And then I realized, no. Tell them about your herpes. What I got to do is just be funny. Like, be the funny guy. Because they leave the funny guy alone you know like i would roast the guards and i would do like you know some kind of light-hearted observational stuff kind of pithy like you know about isolation and existentialism i think they'd really love that

yeah they would not and they don't think you might get funnier with uh crazy rape no that's the point oh is that i would be the funny guy and they'd leave me alone and then the biggest, meanest guy would be like, hey man, I never noticed you before but you're funny.

I'm gonna fuck you. And I'd be like, shit! Right. God damn it. Yeah. Who doesn't want to fuck a clown? Right.

Let's get to entertainment. we got a lot of entertainment i was not going to put this story in i saw this this morning you want to leave it out no all right but we have to say they're just accusations accusations against russell brand of rape sexual assaults and emotional abuse listen i don't like the guy i'm not not defending him, and I've worked with him. During a seven-year period at the height of his fame, he denied it all, said they were all consensual. The allegations include one woman alleges that Brand raped her against a wall in his Los Angeles home. She was treated at a rape crisis center on the same day.

The Times says it has seen medical records to support this that's pretty hard that that's jail uh i mean here's a statute of limitations though might have run out by the way i believe i believe this woman but i'm just saying it's that could also just be consensual sex if if she's an unhinged lunatic or you know what i mean look at you no no but like you like you just read it saying that's it like he's he's he's caught but that's what they normally look at to to support it is whether or not the person can corroborate the story by communicating it that day oh i am not saying it does not look good. It does not look good. No. Second woman alleges that he assaulted her when he was in his early 30s and she was 16 and still at school. She alleges he referred to her as the child during an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship.

That's not good. Nope. A third one says that he sexually assaulted her while she worked with him in Los Angeles and that he threatened to take legal action if she told anyone else about the allegation. The fourth one alleged being sexually assaulted and him being physically and emotionally abusive towards her. He denies all of this. I'll tell you what. A couple of podcasts out there would love to have him on.

I'm like, I say, I can't even do his exaggerated accent i'm like but who's reporting this the same media this is vaccines are safe or that biden won the election are you really going to believe these round earthers are you going to believe these people that have they've been calling me they've been accusing me of being a comedian all these years um well this is what I want to keep an eye on. The news came out today. Today is Saturday. Usually

if it's like with Cosby, word will spread and there'll be many more women stepping forward. Yes. And this whole statute of limitations thing has got to end with rape you know because it's if they can corroborate if they can especially if she went to a medical

center i don't know no no this looks terrible man uh no matter what speaking of looking terrible but not on the same level okay bill maher uh he has restarted production of Real Time on HBO without writers. The first of TV's phalanx of late night hosts to try and do so, despite the continuing Hollywood strikes by the WGA and SAG-AFTRA. Quote, Real Time is coming back. Unfortunately, sans writers or writing, Maa said on social media Wednesday night. It has been five months and it is time to bring people back to work. Really? The writers have important issues that I sympathize with and hope they are addressed to their satisfaction. But they are not the only people with issues, problems, and concerns. So SNL, Daily Show have all gone dark since then. He's a piece of shit. He's a piece of fucking human garbage for doing this.

And I can say that because I used to work for him and I didn't like him then. It was my first writing job was writing for him. He's not a good guy. He's selfish. And this is a really shitty move. And he has a podcast. He can get his views out there. If you're not going to write, do that.

But his argument about bringing people back, he's helping other workers. But what he's failing to mention is he's helping the other side. He's giving them exactly what they want. And I was trying to think of an analogy that wasn't too overblown. But it's as simple as just thinking of two countries, one country is taking over the other, right. And the other one's resisting. And it's like, Hey, this should be more fair. And you should recognize, you know, what we own and what's ours is already a bad analogy. But the point is, it's like, all right, you might have a factory in that country that's being taken over.

And, but they're stealing from you the other country. And so they want you to go back to like you, it's the worst example ever. He's helping the other side. Well, and also the other side hurts the workers that he thinks he's helping. Now the bottom line is without unions in this country, these multinational corporations,

I mean, HBO is now Time Warner, which is connected to in this country, these multinational corporations, I mean, HBO is now Time Warner, which is connected to eight other big, they don't give a shit about the entertainment division. HBO is nothing to them. They will ride out this strike until we can dig in long enough.

And this is what hurts it. And Bill Maher, you're a scab and I will strike in front of your company and I will scream shit at you and I will badmouth you for the rest of my life. You're a piece of garbage. Also, how is Bill going to laugh at his own jokes if he can't write jokes? Exactly.

How is he going to do right? And how I think he just needs to get back to sexually harassing any female employee that they hire over there, which is very few of them, actually. Was it Kindler who couldn't stand? it's kindler versus bill maher right yeah because also the whole like he bill maher has it's the weirdest delivery ever he's like he acts surprised at the joke he just read yes sometimes even comments like oh whoa yeah like that whole shtick is so bizarre to me uh Here's what Kindler has to say on Twitter about... Oh, all right. Bill Maher has been and always will be

a bottom-feeding, hate-mongering, immoral racist. He wants to get people who hate immigrants to watch his shit show. I've been on his show. I've seen him interact. He's an evil, immoral, and talentless hack, a greedy, unfunny fascist so there you go all right you've been reading a lot of stories but we can add drew

barrymore to this list uh yeah fuck you barrymore she's dropped uh she has been dropped as host of the oh yeah the upcoming national book award ceremony she They dropped her a day after her talk show taped its first episode since the strike. The award event, sometimes referred to as the Academy Awards of the publishing world, is scheduled for November 15th. Barrymore's resumption of her CBS talk show

doesn't inherently cause issues with the Actors Guild, which is also on strike, as daytime talk shows are governed by a different blah, blah, blah. Here's the quote. The only people I know you're missing, but Barrymore's show employs at least three writers who are members of the Writers Guild. Period. End of story. You don't do a show if you have to exclude people in a union. That's how it works. I can't believe, first of all, her show has writers.

union that's how it works i can't believe first of all her show has writers i know that's but yes if it does um and then um yeah she she uh i did her show during the pandemic they wanted me to do stand-up but you couldn't go in because there was no audience yeah they shipped like a couple cases of camera equipment lights and a giant green screen I had to set up in my garage. Wow. And I did stand up to, I don't know, I was so fucking desperate during the pandemic. I got so scared that I couldn't pay my mortgage. I would do anything. I can't believe I did this.

And so they took my stand up and they put canned laughter in. And like an animated audience. Is that why you've used canned laughter since? I actually thought, you know, it would be a really funny thing to do is to go to the comedy store one night. And, you know, they've got a sound booth and have them play canned laughter. Not really loud, but just see if they can filter it in without people noticing and just keep ramping it up until by the end, it's like cheers. Pause breaks.

Yeah. Anyway, fuck you, Drew Marymore, you piece of shit. And she feels her show is so important. Like it has to come back because it's a place people can go. And I try to look up segments,

but one of them is just like drew or false. Yeah. Really? America needs drew or false. Yeah. Really? America needs Drew or false? Right. Oh, my God. And from what I can gather, I've only seen clips and all that. It seems like her show is one hour of her crying every day.

Yeah. That's my summation of what I saw. She was cool for a minute. Remember she danced and showed Letterman her tits, danced at his desk? I think what we've learned is even that cool thing, it comes under the banner of crazy. She's crazy. I worked on a show that Corden hosted and she was one of the judges. So we'd watch it live and she would try, keep in mind she's supposed to judge.

And she would try, keep in mind, she's supposed to judge. She's so flowery and all that shit that I think judging is very uncomfortable for her. Right. So she would try desperately to find on her own, on the spot, something nice to say about these competitors. And she couldn't. It would go on forever. She would cry really often. And we would all just be like, can you? I mean, this editor is not getting paid enough.

In post, good luck cutting that down into something that makes sense. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm looking at the fucking clip of me doing this. Of what? I don't even want to say it. All right. of what i don't even want to say it all right uh let's cut right to make america florida you got it

florida man arrested for torching car belonging to his cousin all right that's okay yeah but it's a real florida headline when you read the rest of the headline, which is, uh, he belonging to his cousin. Who's also his girlfriend. What dating app is that? 23 and me has a dating app now. Could be, you know, it's called fumble. It's Florida's bumble. Melvin Cintron 37 was caught on camera lighting his cousin and lover's Jaguar sedan on fire in front of a North Miami home she initially said her car caught fire as he drove home as she drove home because she was afraid of what Cintron would do if she told the cops the truth

whenever she spoke to investigators about what happened to her car, her boyfriend and cousin made her put the phone on speaker. I could picture him like, is that the cops? Put them on speaker. Put them on speaker. What's up, pigs? When she was finally able to speak freely, she told officers she fears Cintron because he carries a fully automatic gun with a double drum high-capacity magazine. He carries it on him regularly and even has a nickname for the drums.

So guess what the nickname for the drums is? The Boys. That's close. No, I'm going to show you what it is. I'm going to paste it in here right now. Here's the nickname so it's cintron reportedly calls the two round drums on the side of the magazine's guns is that tits yeah it's t long hyphen s that's what the newspaper yeah yeah but i was thinking it would be funny if it was taints i'm gonna fucking attach my taints onto here yeah and blow you away i think christmas is

gonna be awkward hey melvin it's tanya uh can i get a ride to grandma's for christmas my car won't start because you lit it on fire and we're fucking it might also be awkward because we're all so fucking does grandma know this she should also be afraid never mind the tits on his gun but she's dating a florida man and that's why we will never run out of florida man stories because couples like this are about to create more inbred Florida people. Right. It'll be unending. Right.

It's like a virus. Yeah. You can't stop it. Let's make Australia Florida. Let's do it. I call this one a miscarriage of justice. So an Australian man tried to sue a hospital in Melbourne over claims that he developed a psychotic illness as a result of watching his wife give birth via C-section. Damn! I think might be because you're crazy. But he said he was, quote, encouraged or permitted to observe the delivery and saw his wife's organs and blood during the procedure, which led to the alleged illness onset. I agree.

Yeah. So also when they were putting her in the bed, like I'm wondering how many other things he could claim because he basically is claiming he could never look at her the same way again. And he was disgusted. And it led to like the dissolution of their marriage and everything. But it's like also when they were loading her in the bed, I saw stretch marks. Like, what the fuck have you done to me? Right. She also has an underbite.

I never noticed that till you laid her down and I had to stand over. Yeah. Have you ever seen a hemorrhoid bulging? Yeah. I remember when Aaron had two C-sections. Well, yeah. The second one, you have to. It's very rare now.

Well, it's called a V-back delivery if you have the second one naturally. But I guess insurance makes that tricky. Yes. They don't want you to do it because the original scar will burst open. But anyway, I remember they had the sheet up, you know, above the belly. Right. And I was standing by her head and then I walked around to look and two nurses were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yes.

And they put me back so I couldn't see. No, they're cut open and then some organs are taken out and placed like on the belly so here's my story which is very true uh so i go in because i'm at that time like i have cameras and i'm anyway so i go in with a still camera and a video camera and i brought the still camera in because i i wanted a good picture of like maybe when the baby's first swaddled and have that picture and everything and then the video camera was there for what capturing the emotions and whatever. So I walk in, I look like a Japanese tourist,

but the anesthesiologist who is back with me, you're right. They put up a, I forgot what they called it, but it was a partition, a partition basically, but a sheet, which is about two feet high.

And essentially it's a work site over that sheet is a work site. Right. So they see me come in with a video camera and I'm like, no, no, no. Cause they, they said the same thing.

You're in the same reaction. You're a nurse's head and the anesthesia. And I go, no, I was not planning to film the delivery or anything like that. Wait, does she have a C-section? Yeah,

this is a C-section. Okay. So the anesthesiologist goes, if you want, while you're holding her hand and you're attending to all this, I could film, you know, some of it, you know, from behind the sheet. You wouldn't see the work site. So I'm like, yeah, that would be great. Thank you.

So I hand it to him. But meanwhile, he's the anesthesiologist. I didn't think he'd ever use it. Whatever. Fine. We have it, baby. I get the still photo I described. Everything's perfect.

It went flawless. We're in the hotel room at the hotel room, the hospital room the next day. And I'm like, oh, do you want to, the anesthesiologist took some footage. So we see footage of the doctor and, you know, we want to see the moment where, cause we did not know the gender. So that was a big surprise and reveal. So do we want to see that moment where we found out it's a daughter and, the camera starts and slowly gets higher, higher, higher till it is a fucking war movie like M.A.S.H. unit. And we're both like, oh my God, oh my God. And we saw what this guy saw.

Dude, you can get a billion dollars for that. It was horrific. Whoa. I didn't even watch and still to this day, I did not, not even a morbid curiosity how did she react to it oh she's in the hospital and she felt like her stomach you know she's still on Vicodin or Percocet or something

for exactly what the guy showed us oh my god meanwhile I was getting all this advice like don't you don't want to look over I'm like I got it you remember the Stephen Wright joke where he said I was born cesarean which really didn't have an effect on me except whenever I leave the house I got it. You remember the Stephen Wright joke where he said, I was born cesarean, which really didn't have an effect on me, except whenever I leave the house, I go out the window. That's right.

Bring me back to the old days when a man went to a bar across the street, drank shots, smoked a cigar, came into the room, couldn't drive home because he was drunk. The wife's driving home. He's got the baby in the back crying. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't handle this. It was a very social guy's night out.

Yeah. All right, let's get to sports. Oh, yeah. Sadly, I think we're going to talk about the New York Jets. It's, I mean, there's really not much to say because it's such old news now, but I gathered the troops. I sent an email, text to you as well. Let's go watch. And we went to Penmar and I get to Penmar.

I'm the first one there and not that early, like 15 minutes early. And I didn't reserve a table and they wouldn't answer their phone. So you can have this table. It's the biggest, do you know that one table that's like 15 feet long? Like they built it out of,

they built it themselves. It's this giant wooden table. I am alone at that table because no one has shown up yet. And I see Rogers run out with the American flag. As I said last week, I decided to come off my hiatus as a Jets fan and join this bandwagon. I'm there alone at this table and I watch in silence his career and three plays in. Yeah. Yeah. Four snaps. I think he took or something and my achilles

ruptured and when i saw what happened i was like fuck i swear to god i said i go fuck this is achilles when he sat back down and then he looked over and shook his head no there's very few injuries where someone will behave that way right right right because there's there's very few injuries where someone will behave that way. Right, right, right. Because there's only pain initially. Like when mine popped, I was with Norm MacDonald. We were shooting that day. And then we decided to play like pickup basketball while the cameras were like reloading.

And it hurt. But then I like- Didn't you think he kicked you from behind? Yeah, of course. No, you always think that. I mean, obviously Rodgers. But all the basketball players, Kobe asked his guy, did you kick me? Yeah.

Like, did you hit me? Shaq turned around when he was the last one running up the court. His pop, he turned around and looked to see if someone was behind him. So anyway, I knew exactly what had happened. I was hoping I was wrong, but not wrong. But it's so perfectly Jets. And all the memes this week were so hysterical what how do you think this uh backup what's the kid's name the backup well people kept putting the guy from napoleon dynamite you know the guy threw the quarter his uncle he threw the court

they're like here he is yeah there are a lot of Tom Brady memes and all this. But what about Zach Wilson? You think he's going to be up for it, or are they going to replace him? I think they're going to replace him eventually. But one of the things – he just throws so many interceptions. But one of the things that was touching about hard knocks with the Jets was the mentorship that was happening. Yeah, I saw that. And you saw it.

Like, there was a really one good one, which is like Aaron Rodgers was like whoa no no you have to that ball has to be gone already you'll be set like on this play with this movement it's a quick release like you cannot hold on to it right and like for him to be telling him that like i was like wow that first of all that that kid didn't know that but that's great that he has that resource yeah we'll see uh who they bring in i don't know who they've got on deck to bring in i heard at one point they were talking about bringing in someone what's his name the take a knee guy huh who is the quarterback cop kepernick oh yeah yeah sorry of course kepernick kepernick yeah kepernick kepernick yeah uh that would be pretty cool. But I don't know. He's probably a little out of shape at this point. People told us to talk about our football picks.

Oh, all right. Week one, I fucking killed it. You know my strategy. Pick bad teams that are playing worse teams and always pick them when they're at home. But you're also doing that for week one, right? Because you have a buyback? There's a buyback. If you get knocked out in week one, you can pay the $20 and get back in again.

So I have four selections. So in that first week, you really pick a bad team because if they lose, it doesn't matter. No, every algorithm would tell you to do that. Yeah, never pick a top 20 team in the first week. So I pick, who did I pick? Washington. And they won. And so now I've got all my good picks left.

So hold on. You have four spots? Yeah. And you picked Washington in all four? All four. That's amazing. Yeah, because it was a seven-point spread. But they're the number 27th ranked team in the league.

I picked Washington. Yeah. I have four spots. Two lost. Minnesota. That knocked all the pulls out the minnesota bet i know because it was one of those good sneaky ones and denver yeah i picked another shitty team but i thought they'd win and then the two i picked were and we'll make this quick a little quick i got denver this week for you guys i. I picked Washington and I picked Atlanta. Oh.

I picked four shitty teams. Yeah, yeah. But I varied it up, four different ones. So who are you going with this week? This week I've got, well, this week I had to, I couldn't pick bad teams. I have to burn a couple of top 12 teams because. I forgot my picks this week. Here was my picks.

Because there's just no good spreads on bad teams. Two of my teams are on Buffalo. One on Dallas and one on Detroit. Buffalo's an 8-point favorite. Dallas is an 8.5-point favorite. And you know, I'm breaking my rule because I never bet 4 against new york teams but jets are gonna get fucking annihilated by

dallas right and then detroit is they're only four and a half point favorites but they're playing at home against seattle so i think they'll win it uh yeah there's some website that like has strategy and shit like that i forget who i'm going with, but, uh, Oh no. Detroit. Did you say Detroit? Yeah. Yep. Detroit is, I like a lot this week.

I think a lot. I think a good bet this week would be to take the jets with the points and bills. Everyone's going to pile against the jets this week. So when Aaron Rogers went out and there's the last thing we'll say about sports when Aaron Rogers went out and there's the last thing we'll say about sports when aaron rogers went out uh so the the odds of the jets winning the super bowl plummeted when he got injured yeah so i bought i bought i placed a bet this week i think it was like 60 bucks wins you three thousand dollars so 50 to one odds yeah so that's what i did on that you know what another bet was uh on the mgm which they got hacked, so they probably have

all my information. But on the MGM betting app, which I can't do from California, but you can have people place it in other states, is you could bet what state is going to have the Super Bowl champ. Oh, no shit. So New York includes three teams. Right. One who is one of the favorites to win the Super Bowl,. Oh, no shit. So New York includes three teams. Right. One who is one of the favorites to win the Super Bowl, the Bills.

Ironically, only one of them actually plays in New York. Buffalo is the only actual New York team. The other ones are New Jersey. Oh, sorry. It does say New York slash New Jersey. That's what it says. But it's Giants, Jets, and Bills. So that's an interesting bet.

Yeah. That's a good bet. Yeah. California's not a bad Jet. 49ersgers and rams i know well you know they obviously weigh it appropriately but i'm trying to think what else they still have the raiders the raiders are actually not bad this year florida florida might be a good one miami is doesn't miami have a good team? No, Miami sucks. Oh. See, I don't know shit. Anyway. All right, let's get to international. Do it.

Now I got to find this. Man who spent $14,000 to transform himself into a collie steps out for his first ever walk in public. Could have become a beagle for like eight grand. This chap, a Japanese native has transformed himself into a canine after forking out more than $14,000 for a custom made collie costume. I don't even think I have to read the rest, but this is what he said about it, defending himself. Do you remember your dreams from when you were little? You want to be a hero or a wizard? He wrote, he goes, um, I remember writing in my grade school graduation book that I wanted to be a dog and walk outside. That's how he defended us. I'm like, yeah, I had dreams when I was little. You want to know what one of my dreams was that I could be invisible so I could see women's tits.

Yes. Yes. That was my number one wish. If there was a genie, that would have been my number one wish. Which included breaking and entering their homes or their locker rooms and going in there as a male. So, yeah, you know what? We can't do all our childhood dreams. I know.

I remember watching America's Got Talent. There was this 13-year-old boy, and they said, they said you know how many mandel's like how'd you do it he's like you know my mother just really supported my dream and i was like i don't know that my mom should have been supporting my dreams of like working a three-way with the babysitter and the substitute teacher like that yeah yeah another dream I had at one point was the whole world would freeze. Everyone would be frozen except me and I could have sex with women. Yep. So again, good dream to let go of.

Yeah. Good dream to realize that's crazy. Yeah. That's like criminal. By the way, the guy no longer wants to be referred to as a he, him, and instead should be referred to as good boy, bad boy. And let's not forget, if he was in Korea, he would have already been eaten, which is a terrible end to that dream. Yeah, he canceled his trip to Korea. All right, another one.

Mexico City. This was a huge story this week with a lot of fanfare. A researcher showed up to Congress in Mexico showing the bodies of the reported non-human beings at a UFO hearing. So for Jamie Maussan, I don't know how to pronounce his name, a Mexican journalist and longtime UFO enthusiast, they are one of the most important discoveries in the history of humankind. But for many scientists, these two tiny mummified bodies

with elongated heads and three fingers on each hand, images of which were beamed around the world this week when they were presented to Mexico's Congress, are an already debunked, perhaps criminal stunt. So this story is already unbelievable because we just learned that there are illegal aliens, but they're in Mexico. They're in Mexico. Which doesn't make sense. No, they would have been in Arizona.

Yeah, exactly. Or Texas. Exactly. And also, well, also the aliens just signed a three picture deal with DreamWorks. So that's good news. And I love that they have three fingers on each hand. Isn't that the gang sign for the MS-13? They found a bag of coke stuffed up one of their asses. It's very easy also to give the West Side sign. You don't have to cross any fingers or anything. It's very easy just to flash West Side.

No wonder they got killed. I loved how the internet went crazy. Like, is this happening? Yeah, I know. And meanwhile, all like, you know, educated like scientists or whatever were all like, oh my God, this again? Did you see the picture? Yeah. It's silly.

It's absurd. It's really crazy. All right. Speaking of absurd, let's get to this day in history. Let's do it. September 17th, 1967, at the Monterey Pop Festival three months earlier, Eric Burden of the Animals had offered high praise for the up-and-coming British rock group The Who, promising the crowd, quote, a group that will destroy you in more ways than one. A substandard audio setup that day prevented The Who from unleashing

the full sonic assault for which they were already famous, blah, blah, blah. It led the next act, Jimi Hendrix, to burn his guitar and announce to the tens of thousands of festival goers the arrival of a powerful new force in rock and roll uh the rest of america would get its introduction on september 17th 1967 when the who ended an already explosive nationally televised performance of my generation with a literal bang that singer pete townsend left pete townsend's hair burnt left left shrapnel in Keith Moon's arm, and momentarily knocked the Smothers Brothers comedy show off the air.

So basically, without getting into the whole story, Pete Townsend loaded three bombs into Keith Moon's bass drum, and they exploded it at the end of the show, and the whole studio was filled with... They say that it might have caused Pete Townsend's hearing loss to this day. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. And his interest in policing a child, which I'm going to call it sex trafficking. Yeah, that was the Monterey. So Monterey is not this day in history. It's their appearance on Smothers. Well, I think they're saying like Monterey... The Monterey is not this day in history. It's their appearance on Smothers. Well, I think they're saying like Monterey. The Monterey Jazz Pop Festival in 1967 introduced the who to this country.

Jimi Hendrix. He was from this country, but he got bigger in England and then really got announced on Otis Redding. It's unbelievable. I forgot who else was there. It was Janice Joplin. Like these were all unknowns that blew up from this little festival. Yeah. Wait, Denman, look up who else was at the, at the festival.

But there was a documentary that my friend made about the festival. It was the one, this preceded Woodstock and it was sort of like the dream festival it was totally peaceful everyone paid to get in weather was good all these bands broke out it was like it was the summer of love 1967 yep and then all these other you know you had the altamont festival where the Hells Angels killed people. Yeah. You had Woodstock where fucking how many people died. Yeah, a huge disaster in many ways. Woodstock was preceded by the Summer of Love in 1967, the Monterey International. Yeah, all right.

Damn it, I already said that. Who was in it? The lineup. He said, I already said that. Who was in it? The lineup. You asked. He said, you asked for the name. Hang on. Who else was on? You know what he's doing?

He's taking out all the black artists. Oh, right. So he's not even going to put hands. It's going to be the Who, Mama Cass. Actually, yeah, I think the Mamas and the Papas. All right. Also, we're at that. I think Country Joe and the Fish.

Now it sounds like a Denman lineup. Yeah. All right. How long can this take? You're going to do it? I might as well do it. All right. This is like, is he going through the Encyclopedia Britannica, do you think?

Well, he has filters on his Google. So he has to go take the filter off so he can see African-American performers. All right. Let's move on. Letters to the editor. Yes. We got Dave in Kentucky said, might I suggest to you and Mike the documentary Telemarketers on HBO Max? Mark Norman recommended it,

and it's phenomenal. Look forward to hearing your, I need a new documentary. That sounds good. I saw it. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's interesting. They made it three parts.

That's one part too many, maybe even two parts too many. And boy, it really doesn't't i didn't think had an ending oh so i i saw efforts at an artificial ending um it's a little um it's thrown together because the you know the guy admits it's the 90s i think or whatever and he decides to film himself with really crude cameras in that day and like start to document. There's no even cell phones or anything. And so I give them credit. But and I know the company that that did it. But, yeah, that's I didn't think it was that great.

All right. Denman just put up that it featured career making performances by Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Otis Redding. Also included Simon and Garfunkel, the Mamas and the Papas, the Who, the Byrds. People don't realize how big the Byrds were. You think of them as almost a Dylan cover band. Really big. They were super influential. There's a documentary called Laurel Canyon, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they were at the center of all that like folk meets rock movement that was happening. Yep. I think, you know, what happened is the birds were blending these sounds and it was, everyone was like, wow, how much is possible after this? And then all of a sudden the band came in

and the whole, no one was talking about the birds anymore. It was like the band came in and everyone was like holy shit yeah what is that yeah it sounds old and new at the same time and it's americana uh aaron beckstead said that we should for merch we should get eyeglasses cleaner wiper cloth i fucking love that. Wow. We got a cool printed one for free at an art gallery, and now I treasure it. Also, she said coasters. Huh. Coasters. The eyeglass. Because all we're thinking about is easy shipping.

The koozies or whatever you call them, you know? Yeah. Holding beverages. And I love this eyeglass thing. Yeah. Eyeglass thing is great. Yeah. I use mine five times a day.

I'm obsessed with keeping my glasses clean. Good for you. I've never. In fact, people have done it for me. It's been so annoying how much shit is in my glasses. Yeah. People have taken them off and been like, please, I have a thing. No, I looked at them on the table earlier and I was like, what the fuck?

Well, those are my backups. I can't find my uh my current ones all right let's do an obituary okay this name sounds familiar professor sir ian wilmot nope he died of parkinson's at 79 he uh researched gametes and embryo genesis genesis embryogenesis embryogenesis led a team that shook up the scientific world when they successfully cloned a sheep, the first ever cloned animal. That sheep, Dolly, became an icon.

She lived until 2003 and had six lambs. And each one was delicious, apparently. And they will rise up and take over the world with all their fucked up DNA. So he got a knighthood and all that stuff. And so he died. And apparently, like, at the wake, it was an open casket. But four guys came to pay their respects who looked exactly like him.

It was eerie. Oh, I see what you did there. Nice. Yeah. All right, let's cheer up. That was eerie. Oh, I see what you did there. Nice. Let's cheer up. That was a sad story. Let's do the funny. A guy can clone a sheep, but he can't cure Parkinson's? What's wrong with this world? Hag of the Horrible

we got lucky is with a pretty hot chick who's wearing a Madonna outfit. She's got cone tits. Okay. Looks a little like Drew, no, not Drew Carey. What's it? Drew Barrymore. Dana Carvey a little?

So this big rapey dude with like a thing on his arm comes up and he goes, I see why they call you Lucky, Eddie. And Eddie goes, Olga, this is my old friend. Now, fucking Olga goes, any friend of Lucky's is a friend of mine. And she walks right over and grabs the rapist. Almost like, you know what they say? Sometimes you should come on to a guy who's assaulting you. Is that what the idea is here?

She's getting one step ahead. Ah. Yeah, and also, Unlucky is sitting there watching that thing, puzzled. But look, they're wearing the same thing. They're meant for each other. They are meant for each other. That's nature doing its thing. All right, now let's get to the Lockhorns.

Leroy and Loretta are having dinner. They got wine. There's a happy anniversary little banner hanging behind them. And then he looks at her on their anniversary and goes is that for us or these leftovers not even one night the guy can't be nice for one fucking night yep and the next one they're both watching tv and there's a logo on the screen of a man on one knee handing a rose to a woman and it says viewer discretion

advised and leroy goes if we had any discretion we wouldn't be watching this show it doesn't apply to them i found one of my favorite farsides this week so it is a uh a lifeboat out at sea and there's four there's three very haggard looking guys. They've clearly been in the lifeboat for weeks probably, but it's three guys and a dog and then you read the caption and it's like, fair is fair, Larry.

We're out of food. We drew straws. You lost. And you see the two guys and the dog looking at a very surprised Larry who's holding the short straw. Yeah, you're missing the best part. Larry's obese. Larry's the fat one.

Oh. He's going to be a meal for a long time. No. Wait, isn't the whole point they're not eating the dog? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I thought, oh, they're not looking at the fat guy. They're looking at the guy with the yellow shirt. Oh, it would have been funnier if they were talking to the fat guy.

They are big. That is a fair point, though. He did draw these guys pretty big. Yeah. I guess he's saying we're out of food, so they were eating. But they should look more gaunt. But anyway, I love it that the dog is going to eat Larry. Speaking of gaunt, fucking Dagwood sitting on the blue chair. The guy doesn't have a muscle on his body.

He looks like a carcass. He's just a lazy fucking good. Blondie walks in, and I mean, she looks like she just come from the gym. Calves are well-defined, right down to the ankle, curvy, big tits. She's got on a dark green top with a light green skirt with dark green shoes. Come on. Making it work. She goes, i can't believe we're halfway through september and he goes time sure flies and she goes before you know it you'll be surprising me with halloween thanksgiving and christmas gifts and he goes wait halloween and thanksgiving gifts And she goes, it was worth a shot, dear.

Like how, how many gifts should this motherfucker be buying Blondie? It should be like Tuesday, he should be on his knee handing her handmade wood carvings. And Wednesday, he should have baked her a fucking cake.

He should be doing everything to keep this woman in his life. And then he just laid, hands in his pockets on the chair. I know. I mean, you figured it out. Take your wife to a free stay and make her sit through a sales pitch for four hours. You have romance and gifting your wife figured out.

Hey, I took the AIDS test. What else does she want from me? All right, listen, you guys, thanks for hanging out with us for so long. This was a good monster podcast in person. How long was this one? Hour 45. Good lordy loo. So let's thank our people at Midcoast Media.

Speedy, Chris Denman did a great job today. Yeah. Beth Hoops, always key. John, everybody over there, thanks for helping us out, producing the show, editing it, putting it up on social media, doing all that shit. Also, don't forget our sponsors, the fine people over at Game Time. Get the app. Put in code PAPERS for $20 off. Also, we love Factor.

Go to FactorMeals.com, put in Papers 5-0, and get 50% off. And anything else you want to promote, Mike? No, but let's get on. I like that eyeglass cleaner. And also, all of our listeners are probably old as fuck and have glasses, so that'll work. Right, right. And it's an easy one. It has to be dirt cheap i

imagine i think we need to come up with two or three pieces of merch and then we're going to get one of our daughters to be in charge of shipping collecting money i don't want anything to do with it and they can take what percentage should we give them sounds like i might want this job now um i don't know we'll figure well it depends on the merch we have to figure it out yeah i mean my hope is we can mail it in a standard envelope yeah to save you guys money i mean we could do a big envelope but then the shipping is going to be five bucks instead of a dollar right i want to keep it simple i was thinking of like you just put the address on the cozy

you don't even need an envelope and the postage but I don't think so interesting it's fascinating alright thank you guys for listening we'll catch you next week okay take it ish take it ish smooth talking man in the frying pan got a nickel to talk up

frozen ham but I think he's going to meet up with the president who doesn't make no sense and is not a gent so riff on my scruffy matador you can't find the door and now you're on your own in the podcast zone oh mark it's so cold out there