Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 183 9/24/23

Episode Date: September 24, 2023

EVERYBODY’S LISTENING TO THIS WEEK’S SUNDAY PAPERS (especially the woman in TX with no arms and legs who cannot shut it off). Baltimore students are failing, monks are sobering up and Pauly Shore may be playing Richard Simmons in a movie!

Jokey, jokey, jokey Sunday Papers. Jokey, jokey, jokey. Jokey, jokey, jokey. Jokey, jokey, jokey. Jokey, jokey, jokey Sunday Papers. That's crazy. Jokey, jokey Sunday Papers. Jokey, jokey, jokey.

Three. Three, two. Hey now, read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday Papers coming to you. The Nashville Tribune and the Escondido Times. The second edition this morning already. It's the latest issue.

We already tried this and I've had the worst Wi-Fi issues. Yeah, well. So let's hope it goes well. It'll be fine. By the way, we want people to write in and let us know if you prefer this on Zoom where we're both on the screen or when it's in person and we're across from each other and you only see us one at a time. We're kind of curious which one's better. They're all going to say in person. I know.

Listen to you. It's so hard for you to drive seven minutes from your apartment to my office, isn't it? I guess yes. Yes, it is. Yes, I'm not going to deny it. I'm not going to yell a lot because I literally lost my voice during the second show last night. I did the second half of the show in a horsey whisper. It was brutal.

And the laughs just went down. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, they were trying to hear the gold. But, you know, it's funny. You realize that, like, certain comedians have great voices. Louis C.K. has a great voice. You know, voices that really resonate.

Chappelle has an amazing voice. Just saw him two nights ago. We'll talk about that later. And it connects in a way with people that you just get more laughs. And I have a fucking thin, high-pitched, whiny chick voice, like almost a homosexual. Speaking of your the way you described your voice, I listened. I watched Michelle Wolf's hour and I really liked it. And she has a hard voice to take.

Tough voice. Yeah. She's talked about before. Yeah. But really strong material, I thought. I think she's really strong material i thought i think she's really strong i don't think it's her best special um i i'm still a huge fan but i i it's good i don't i think she shot it like at comedy on state in madison wisconsin and i think there was something about the way they shot it that i didn't like they'd like and then it went to another city also oh yeah the middle section yeah and then it went back like it was almost like

like it when it ended at say 30 minutes or 25 it all sounded like credits came up like thank you or whatever written by i'm like what and then it's like do you want to watch the next episode so that's how they did that one. Yeah. Maybe I should do that on my next special. She has a great though. I think we might've talked about a little last week. She kind of tricks. She has a little trick.

She traps with logic. She traps some, the audience in a, in a view that in a bias or a view that they have. And it's very well done. Yeah. Um, so what else you're, uh, you're in Nashville. What's going on? We already talked about before my wife, I ruined it, but yeah, it's Americana week. It's a very big week here. The only thing I can equate it to, which I've never been, but is South by Southwest, where there's an Americana Music Awards. And then, but more than that, is every bar and every conceivable space where there's a stage. There are amazing shows and music this week. And Tyler Childers is here. You know, a lot of the usual suspects from that type of country in a way. Wow.

Yeah. So it's a very, very cool week. On top of that, we went downtown. Downtown already has like a crowding problem in Nashville. But on top of Americana Fest, Chappelle's at Bridgestone, which is Madison Square Garden. He had over 20,000 people there because he filled the floor also. he had over 20,000 people there because he filled the floor also. No. And at the exact same time,

uh, Tosh has, uh, sold out the Ryman, which is like three blocks away. So this town was overwhelmed and Chappelle makes everybody, you know, uh,

hand in their phones that makes the load in so long. And even Hannah said she had never seen downtown nashville like this like streets were closed because the the line to get in to see chapelle was down like three city blocks oh my god yeah was it worth it yeah he was great no we also timed it perfect like we didn't do any of that. We didn't wait online. We ate because I called and I found out who the warmups are and I've seen the warmup, you know, Donnell, I've seen them before. I'm like, we really only have to see Chappelle and as a DJ also. And he had one guy, which I had seen in a wheelchair warming up for him. And I don't know about him. and which was interesting because chapelle announced

this is not really spoiling anything he's like he you know that you know again he's done with trans he did mention punching down which i talked to holtzman mentioned that uh and i love that about him and he goes uh and so his new thing is uh handicapped people i think uh is what he wants to make fun of and then he literally made fun of fun of them a little bit it was crazy but he's not he's not he's not behind the strike he's like fuck the strike fuck really no shit he made fun of him he goes when i well he was talking about sag after he's like i had a show on comedy central and i couldn't get health insurance, but of course he shouldn't be blaming the union, you know, but, uh, that was his take on. He's like, I can't, he's like, I'm on TV. I can't every week. I can't get health insurance.

Yeah. Well, that's a stupid argument because it's actually great health insurance and it's, and it's not difficult to get. You just have to, to you just work if you work if it used to be a lot easier because when you were an actor as you know our good friend matt malloy and people like that they used to work and if you if you got you know some work that year like decent amount of work you got health insurance now everybody gets the absolute union minimum nobody's getting above the quote any law above the uh scale anymore so it's very hard to get insurance because the money doesn't even add you have to earn over like forty thousand dollars a year to get insurance and nobody's getting there anymore that's how fucking bad it is right um so uh what else i wanted to talk about my

well my summer break is over I took off from stand up for the summer as I usually do I did a little bit and now I'm back in Escondido I lost my voice halfway through the show last night and now and now I'm

working on a lot of new stuff good new material yeah talking about um how well like you you and your woman have a good arrangement because you have your own place and i think the only reason people live together and get married it's purely financial. Who wouldn't want to have their own place just next to the other person's place? I'll take half a bed. Why? You could have your own fucking... Everybody would rather sleep in their own bed with nobody in it.

Another big thing is health insurance, man. This country, I think more people get married because of that. Oh, for sure. Immigration, health insurance. Yeah. Housing. Yep, exactly. Yeah.

So anyway, I need to work on that. So if anybody has jokes on that, email them in. What else is going on? What's this thing that you might i talked to um uh bart coleman about this thing that you're going to work on with him what's that oh yeah yeah it's uh will ferrell he did it like five years ago and i went as a fan i didn't work on it but i volunteer my time they called they said they wanted someone and I'm like, yeah, I'll help out. He has this charity. It's a crazy name.

It's called Cancer for College, I think. Something. And I should know more about it. I actually don't. But I believe it's based on an old college friend of his. But what it does is it helps families, when there's a diagnosis of cancer in the family pay for college anyway it's this giant fundraiser i don't think i could talk there is a poster out i believe but like lindsey buckingham's playing which is remarkable to me and uh but there's um smart list is going to do their a little bit of their podcast.

You know, I'm thinking maybe they'll interview will or some character will, will do, or, you know, something like that. But anyway, it's going to be at the Greek theater,

October 21st. I'm really not pushing it that hard cause it's sold out. So, um, how many people, if you were to interview 100 Americans, random Americans, what percentage of them would think that Lindsey Buckingham was a man versus a woman? Most would think a woman, obviously.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad his health is good enough. I had heard it was, of course, from our biggest gossip we know, Tom O'Neill. had heard it was of course from our our the biggest gossip we know tom o'neill um he we had heard he was like had to cancel shows and was rushed to the hospital in ireland or england one of the two when he was over there really that was like six months ago yeah or maybe even a little more i talked to tom for about an hour yesterday author of chaos everybody pick it up on amazon it's one of the best books I've read

in 10 years. It's about the Manson murders. I talked to him for about an hour yesterday, and there's a lot of gossip about our friends. There's a lot of drama going on. Some people aren't talking. I mean, Tom is the, he is the king of chaos. He creates chaos in every relationship. He's a shit-stirrer also. Yeah. And they call him Radio Tom because anytime you give him some information and ask him not to tell anybody,

they will know within five minutes of hanging up the phone with him. Yeah. Yeah. Radio Tom. I like it. All right, let's think. We're low energy here, man.

I know. You've got to keep your voice down. Let's pick it up. Okay, let's thank Lyndon Pike for our logo this week. Very funny. How about that? Is it the original Frankenstein? I don't know which one that is.

It looks like Bride of Frankenstein. Oh, Bride of Frankenstein. Right. And you're the bride. Thank you, Lyndon, for making me the man. Look at that. Look at that hairdo I'm rocking, though. Nice.

Our song comes from Colin Spady. Great song. Trippy. Cool. And then let's get to some corrections. Handren Seavey, who's a friend of mine. Is that a section? I forget.

I don't know how to do this podcast. Oh, no. It's not a section. Oh, really? Oh, okay. I don't think so. I mean, technically it is, because that's what you have in a newspaper. I'm making a section. Sorry. Here it goes.

Even if there's no graphic. So, Handren's a friend. He's a very funny comic. And he said, what's up, Greg? I was just listening to Sunday Papers, the reason the women's volleyball match. Remember we talked about how it was the most attended? Yes, yeah, hugely attended. 80,000 people. What was packed was because the entire team's nudes got leaked last year,

so it was all about sex appeal. Is that real? Yeah, so I went online, and it was the Wisconsin women's volleyball team, and they all were taking photos of themselves topless, like groups of them in the locker room, and it got leaked online. So Wisconsin's like the Kardashians of volleyball.

Right. Like, is everyone else just like with the Kardashians going to have to follow suit now and make their own sort of sex pics? Well, this may solve the problem of why attendance is down in female sports. I mean, you know, I don't want to sound sexist, but look at the pole vaulters.

Look at, you know, Randy, not Randy, Ricky Fowler, you know, the golfer. His wife is the sexiest pole vaulter in history. And she has fucking hundreds of millions of views. And yeah, she hasn't been nude, but I mean, she wears like a thong and pole vaults i mean come on people that's pretty insulting if that's why that many people showed up at this volleyball game why is it insulting it means they think that they're beautiful

no but they're not going there for the sport like which is, I think, what they would like to think. Well, I think, look, why do people go to hockey games? To see fights. Half the people there just want to see a brawl. Give the people what they want. And that's insulting to them. Yeah, I get it. All right. Well, all right.

I have some research to do after this. I've been to volleyball all of a sudden. Keep in mind, it's Wisconsin, so they don't look like the Kardashians They're topless But they're all wearing a big hunk of cheese On their head They're topless But that just means you can see the hair

You see they're cheesemakers That's what those are That's what they're called in Wisconsin Steve Gross says Hey I thought I'd chime in on the corrections Pacino's line Cause she's got a great ass Is from the movie Heat

I think you said It was from a different film Maybe I did I don't know Yeah it's definitely Heat You're right And then David Chamberlain

Mike Thanks for playing The new hit single yesterday He did He's done a lot of music for us but he took my my fake Elton John lyrics and made it into a song

he took the Dennis Gubbins song and put it to music he's very fucking talented anyway he said my company is actually called DBW Productions but for some promo I'll tell you to go to my other domain recordla.com as i assume that's something they might remember so go to him if you're looking for uh engineering

music engineering needs nice cgh said it was moon who landed the keith moon who loaded the explosive into the bass drum without anyone knowing when you want the video when you watch the video Townshend Townshend is that how you spell it it is no shit is bending down and takes the full brunt of the explosion to one side of his head it did permanently

damage his hearing he has said so much and I think Moon got some shrapnel in him a little bit like you know in his arm or whatever nothing serious but it was that was a real explosion i listened to the who who's next driving down here jesus christ the fucking the engineering on that i mean the different guitar sounds it's it's the drumming it's fucking fucking crazy. The who, you know, people forget that the who are as good as Zeppelin and the Beatles and the Stones. Well, it's debated, of course, but I mean, I'll tell you, you forget how hard rocking the who was.

Yes. Like they're they're harder than Zeppelin, which I know a lot of people now like what but they really they really are going for it in terms of just making a powerful sound more than zeppelin did and more experimental i love zeppelin more but i'm just saying that's the truth yeah way more experimental than the stones or zeppelin uh in terms of the different types of music they were playing, rock operas and introducing different instruments. People are going to argue with that for sure because Zeppelin is known for doing that, but I stand by the who. Can you give a notice when you guys talk sports from Rick?

Can you give a notice when you guys talk sports? Maybe skip forward for a minute while we stumble around getting names and scores wrong no no rick that's what we do that's what people tune in for if you want facts go to barstool sports okay so back to this guy rick uh no we can't that's how we roll yep uh speaking of rolling i'm rolling out to sh, Massachusetts on October 5th. Manchester, New Hampshire the next night. Nashua, New Hampshire the next night.

Foxborough the next night. Then I'm coming to Sacramento on October 12th through the 14th. Arlington, Virginia the weekend after that. Baltimore, Houston, Bakersfield. Austin at the Mothership, just announcing this date now, November 17th through the 19th. San Francisco, Fort Worth, and Atlanta all dates at FitzDawg.com. I'm hitting the road hard, baby. Got to make some Christmas dough.

Hey, what do you think? The strike, I guess it is sounding, and I'm choosing my words carefully, the most encouraging it sounded so far. I'm choosing my words carefully. The most encouraging it sounded so far. I heard that, and then yesterday I heard that they didn't reach anything, but at least we're closer. Yes, both sides.

Because, you know, it's an old-school tactic of, and they did this before, but the WGA called them out on it, is like one side will leak to the press.'s very encouraging yeah right even if it's not right and then what happens is it makes the other guys look like bad guys when they're like it's not you know or they walk away from the table or whatever it is right right um so but this time it seemed like both sides were whistling the same tune, I think. Well, let's hope so, because I am tired of walking that line. Speaking of walking the line, let's talk about, forget lines, let's talk about wines. Mike? First Leaf.

Used it. Personal endorsement, which is very true used it it was great they uh you take a little quiz they kind of gauge what kind of wine you like uh they you can rule out things you can make it your own and then once they they hone in on it they double check is this sound good and then one of the cool things about it because it's alcohol and someone has to sign for it is you pick the delivery time and it's not like a very big window or anything like that like it worked out so well so convenient they sent me six bottles of wine all of them were really I didn't know them and so I had heard of

one but I had never tasted them and they were all great. And they were like all in my wheelhouse, which I had defined for them. So I'd like kind of dry, earthy, full bodied. And, um, and that's exactly what came and they were fantastic and they make it so easy. They have a hundred percent satisfaction guarantee. Um, and yeah, mine were like Italian and some cabs that were in the spirit of italian uh wine so it was great um what else can i say about these guys well give give your palette what it really wants with first leaf go to tryfirstleaf.com papers to sign up and you'll get your first six hand curated bottles for just $44.95. There you go. That's T-R-Y-F-I-R-S-T-L-E-A-F dot com slash papers.

Try firstleaf.com slash papers. It's great. Also, I mean, let's talk about, I mean, how did you get your tickets for Chappelle is the question right now. Game time because, remember I told you, I don't know if it was this podcast or the one that we shit canned a little while ago, but I did mention that, you know, you're handing in your phones, the line was down the block, and we waited it out. And that is exactly what game time was amazing for.

I mean, it hadn't started yet, but you just watch the prices drop, drop, drop. And that's exactly what happened. Yeah. And then just waltzed right in. The tickets were there. It was fantastic. Dude, I'm looking at Ed Sheeran right now, who was the top-selling live artist last year

in terms of gross. You can go see him for $47 right now in on october 18th yeah for twice that price you can see rupaul's drag race at the grand ole opry house boy has the grand ole opry house changed but that's october 15th so it's not exactly game time yet so um won't he be arrested for being in drag down there that's a great question i because i'm pretty sure tennessee has a no drag law no it absolutely does and see what else is here what sports is coming up let's see and by the way i did not dead name him he goes by he he. He identifies as he. Soulja Boy, $32 for Soulja Boy tonight.

The Avett brothers, Judd Apatow did a great documentary about them. John Legend for $63. And all these tickets I've been looking at, these are all down from where they were before. Anyway, so it's a fast and easy way. The app is a piece of cake. A couple got it in your phone you don't have to transfer you don't have to download you don't have to print well I guess you download technically but whatever it's in your phone take a look at the count and then

use the code papers PAP ER s for $20 off your first purchase there are terms that apply if they had a minimum but again you create that account and you redeem code papers for 20 off download game time today last minute tickets lowest price and guaranteed all right you know what else is guaranteed is that prize picks is going to give you a lot more fun when you watch sports than if you were not getting involved in choosing teams. It's the best. It's like instead of battling thousands of other players with sharks and pros and scammers,

you pick more than or less than on two to six player stat projections. Watch the winnings roll in. I did it. First of all, signing up was so much easier than I thought. Like I really thought with a betting site that it would be hard to, you know, you know, get everything connected. It was, everything was so simple.

You can bet on things like, like we'll say Quan Barkley go for 60 yards or Patrick Mahomes for more than two passing touchdowns? Well, not Aaron Rodgers anymore. I know. They should have a bet for how long he's going to be out for. Will he be back before the end of the season? He, I'll tell you what, in this season, zero interceptions.

So he went out a champ. That's right. He hasn't been sacked once. Right. But listen, you can make your picks and submit the entry in less than 60 seconds. They make it so easy. And they got these big things. Every Tuesday, they have a prize picks discount on selected player projections,

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Prize picks. Daily Fantasy Sports made easy. Yes, baby. That's the key. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Give me a crinkle on the front page, Mike. Here comes the front page, pal. I'm going to need you to read the setups because my voice is going and I have two shows tonight.

What an opposite. My voice is strong today. Over $110,000 has been raised for the California mom who had to have all her limbs amputated after eating bad tilapia. As a harrowing image of her in the hospital bed has emerged, Laura Baragas, 40, lost her arms and legs after eating the fish contaminated with a flesh-eating bacteria that she bought at a local market in July. It's kind of ironic. Now she's like a fish.

in July. It's kind of ironic. Now she's like a fish. What's that? What do you call, yeah, what do you call, well, what do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pool? What?

Bob. What do you call a woman with no arms, legs, or torso? Muffy. What do you call her? Muffy. What do you call her? Muffy. Because it's just her pussy. What do you call a,

what do you call a one with no arms and no legs out in the middle of the ocean? Screwed. What's the other one? There's like, what do you call a man with, I don't know what this, I guess no arms and legs in a pile of leaves.

Russell. Something like, I don't know. Anyway, what do and legs in a pile of leaves, Russell? Something like that, I don't know. Anyway, Barajas lives with her... What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? Nice tits. I thought it was want to lift. Barajas lives with her six... Knock, knock, knock. Oh, Jesus, yes, who's there?

Not Sally. What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Go ahead. Cunts way low. Just for the listeners, I'm reading it. It's cunts. Cunt is way low is what that joke was. All right.

Sorry. I don't have to read about her six year old son. We get it. We get it. Yeah. All right. So get this though. I am starting,

you know, I used to eat, you know, I've never except that time when I ate, uh, I forget what Fisher was in Jamaica and I got Siggy Otero. I think is what they told me i had i lost like fucking 25 pounds in a couple of days but i lived and the doctor said i could have died

wow it was from barracuda it was from barracuda i caught a barracuda while i was down there playing rugby yeah and they eat it they eat it down there so i'm like i'll eat it too and i ate with them the guys i went fishing with anyway um but this this is a New York Times headline. And this was from August 16th, so a month ago. Three die in New York area from infections spread through seawater and oysters. The bacteria are found in raw seafood like oysters and warm brackish waters. Climate change may increase the risk of infections from the deadly bacteria farther north. So I read that and this guy, like it was just like this woman, like you eat it and it is fast acting. It's a flesh eating bacteria. Dude, I've always heard tilapia it's a bottom feeder and in some countries they

actually farm it in uh sewage ponds oh boy yes so they sell it in like we used to get it from costco we eat that shit one night a week we love tilapia it's delicious it's delicious. It's like a nice, juicy, spongy white fish. Ooh. But it is bad. Don't eat tilapia. Luckily, they're not a sponsor. Yeah, I don't know, man. I might, you know, oysters always were like, really?

I know. Like, maybe if it was less expensive. Yeah. But it's like, I don't know, the whole aphrodisiac dumb shit. And I don't know. I think maybe with the warming oceans or anything, it's just not worth it. No. Neither are babies.

Let's read this next one. Oh, here we go. What is this next one? Oh, nice headline. Greg put in abort with an exclamation point. A Nebraska mother was accused of helping her 17 year old daughter have an illegal abortion and disposing of the fetus was sentenced to two just two years in prison on Friday. Should be nine months. pleaded guilty in July to two felonies, removing and removing, concealing or abandoning a dead human body and performing an abortion beyond 20 weeks and a misdemeanor charge of false reporting. She also parked at a yellow curb for more than 20 minutes and they got her on that too.

Burgess's daughter, Celeste Burgess, now 19, was sentenced in July to 90 days in jail after pleading guilty to a felony charge of removing, concealing and abandoning a dead human body. Authorities allege that Celeste had a medication abortion and that it violated the state's prohibition of abortion. After 20 weeks, Celeste Burgess was around 28 weeks pregnant when her pregnancy ended. Okay. I guess, I mean, the mom's 42. I guess some women at that age just don't want to be grandmas. Like badly, like really badly.

Yeah. Or they want to be the worst grandma in the world. Does she get that mug now? Right, the worst grandma. Does she get that mug now? But what's funny is that she got in trouble for disposing of the fetus. So would their charges have been less if she'd kept the fetus, like put it in a jar on the mantle?

Yeah, the law is weird that way. In lieu of a baby picture? I might have told this. This is unrelated. But the baby picture. I might've told this, this is unrelated, but, uh, the way like lawyers thing. So, uh,

in the, in my high school, this guy had a rich dad who was a very successful lawyer. So he got in trouble in our school because he saw this cool picture, like in a magazine. Keep in mind, it's, it's,

it's not a book. It was a magazine in the library and he tore out the page cause he was going to put it like in his dorm room on the wall. It was like a surfing picture or something. So they wanted to make an example out of him. So they gave him two infractions, one for stealing and one for vandalism. And he was complaining to his dad about it. And his dad, I guess, has seen this a million times. He's like, well, this is the lesson they just taught you next time take the whole magazine right right yeah yeah so it's like the law sometimes

works that way where it's uh like you know it's like well yeah I mean you're kind of encouraging them like not to dispose of it I guess yeah So maybe they just leave it in their front yard on a stick. Here's the other thing about this story. Like, a baby notoriously destroys a woman's body, stretches out the insides, the tits. There's postpartum depression. You get insomnia. I mean, the thing is coming for you.

That's why my nickname for my stuff is The Baby. The Baby. Yeah. I ruin them. I ruin them. But isn't Nebraska a stand-your-ground state? Wouldn't that be – can't you contest that as you're standing your ground against being attacked?

You should be a lawyer. That's what we're learning. I don't know what this world isn't right if you're not uh practicing law let's go to baltimore you got it literally but unfortunately i will be soon at least 13 baltimore city high school oh no sorry start again at At 13 Baltimore City high schools, zero students tested proficient on a state math exam. The latest round of state results is raising alarm in Baltimore City schools. Project Baltimore found that 40%, which when they're reading this headline, they have no idea if that's high or low, And they're reading this headline. They have no idea if that's high or low.

Found that 40 percent of Baltimore high school schools where the state exam was given did not have any students score proficient in math. Not one student. But that's not the only alarming finding. schools, 1,700 students took the test and 1,300 students or 74.5% scored one out of four. One is the lowest level, meaning those students were not even close to proficient. Well, I guess on October 23rd, when I met Magoobies in Baltimore, I better dumb it down a little bit did I tell you the last time I worked there by the way it's a great club goobies kicks ass and it is fun I'm making fun of Baltimore because that's the story but obviously they're stupid would you live that close to Philadelphia if you weren't stupid so uh I go there and on the Friday night show I'm selling my pins after the show and this guy comes out and he's kind of like this hippy dippy dude. He's got a long beard and tie-dye

and he goes, hey man, I brought you something. And he hands me a baggie with a hit of LSD in it. And I was like, yeah, thanks man. Thanks a lot. Keep it moving. And so the feature act sees this and he goes, hey man, can I have it? I was like, dude, you're not going to take this.

He's like, I'm fucking. And he puts it right in his mouth and cut to the next night. Saturday night show. The kid shows up fucking glassy eyed and out of it. He's like, dude, there's something wrong with that. I'm still fucked up. He like couldn't remember his jokes on stage he was totally fucking dazed how long after a day like oh man yeah yeah yeah i mean lsd

for weeks yeah i would never take a blind oh my god i mean while i have but i mean the idea was they were trusted and i did it with other people. All right. So I looked this up because I just remember that Baltimore has certain words. Obviously, like everybody talks about warder. They say warder. Okay. Yeah. And they pronounce it ball, ball more, ball more.

So I'm going to give you, I'm going to give you eight or nine words. All right. In Baltimore, in Baltimore ease. And you're going to tell me what those words really are. Okay. I or nine words. All right. In Baltimoreese. And you're going to tell me what those words really are. Okay. I'm not looking. All right. Go ahead.

All right. A-I-G. What does that mean? Those are the letters. I'm going to give you the letters and then you tell me what the real word is. These are the pronunciations. These letters are the actual pronunciations. So A-I-G is the phonetic spelling of a word?

Yes, right. I'm going to give you the phonetic spelling of the words. Age? Like how old are you? No, egg. Ah, okay. Egg. Egg.

All right. ARN. Huh? ARN. Aren't you going to? I'm in the South. I don't know. What is it?

It's iron. Iron? It's iron. Iron. It's iron. Iron. Oh, okay. Yeah. This one you should read. Read the third one yourself and pronounce it.

All right. D-O-W-N-E-Y. Second word, A-Y-S-H-I-N. I mean, it looks like phon phonetically, it's Downy Ashen. Yeah. What is it in Baltimoreese? Balmores. Downy, I don't know.

Down at the ocean. It's like the Philly accent it's terrible f-l-a-r flower flower uh i i i keep going southern i don't know what flower is well it is they say yes they say it has a lot of southern accent on it Okay Husskul? Husskul? Yeah, what is it? Husskul Husskul High school Husskul, okay

In it? I-N-I-T In it What is it in English? Idiot Isn't it? In it All right, yeah What is it in English? Idiot? Isn't it? In it?

All right. Yeah. J-E-E-T. Jeet, jeet, jeet. It's going to be, oh, yeah, did you eat? Yep. That's right. P-L-E-E-S-E.

Police? Huh? Police. Yeah, police. yeah police yeah man i'm getting now yeah i saw the wire man come on yeah baby baltimore where would you put the wire in the top 10 shows of all time would it be i just lied i just lied i haven't seen the wire i've seen the first two seasons dude it's and i love it and this is related to this story uh everyone there are many many critics who think season four of the wire which took place you know it rotated somewhere in the newspaper somewhere at the dock season two was docks and some a lot of people said that was a tough one like that's not the best one uh season four takes place in the baltimore school system unbelievable the new york times i know is one that thinks it's the best season of uh tv ever that's funny because my favorite season of breaking bad which i'm re-watching right now i I'm on episode five, is season four.

That's quite some writing when the best season can be season four. Right. Well, I think a lot of that has to do with the writers getting to know the actors and being able to write for the actors better and better. And the actors are developing the writing. It's a confluence it's it's symbiotic meanwhile ai is like listening to us like that you know what we're uh season one's gonna be the best from now on we got we're moving four up to one we're not taking that long let's get to some drunk fucking monkeys yeah yeah why did not? Why was this not our first story? I don't know. I love extreme

gene therapy for alcoholism slashes drinking by 90% in monkeys, a form of gene therapy that is already being trialed in patients with Parkinson's disease might prove provide a one-off treatment for severe alcohol addiction. A study in, is it Mac, Macac, Macac? That's what it is. Macac. It sounds, what does Macac sound like? That's, that's Baltimore for my cock. Oh, Macac's been drinking. A study in Macac monkeys that were predisposed to heavy drinking found that it dramatically curbed their alcohol consumption. Drinking went down to almost zero, said this professor. For months on end, these animals would choose to drink water and just avoid drinking alcohol altogether.

Quitters, just like you, Greg. Wait, so how are monkeys Going to put jeans on And how does that stop drinking Usually people put on jeans They drink more That's when you're heading out Wait what is the jeans thing Oh the gene therapy

Maybe one of the worst jokes I've ever done on Sunday papers By the way they also The cause you might be wondering why these macaques are drinking so much. Cause of the macaques alcoholism, just their general despondency about all the electrodes on their skull, just boring right into their brain. Just give me another whiskey. Give me another whiskey for God's sakes. Um, but they say that it is it is working for people with parkinson's disease does that mean they're drinking less as well or the people with parkinson's just spilling their

martinis more that's terrible go back to the monkeys putting jeans on at least it's a fun image all right we got a pilot in the house let's hear about it the pilot of a u.s marines f-35 jet that went missing remember that story last week yeah a very expensive jet guy just bailed man yeah he just jettisoned himself out of that thing i went missing so he called emergency services from a south carolina home where his parachute landed in an audio from the call. The pilot told the dispatcher that he was, quote, not sure where the 80 no hundred million dollar plane was. And in the four minute call to 911, the resident of the North Charleston home can be heard telling a confused dispatcher that quote, we got a pilot in the house. I guess he landed in my backyard.

We're trying to see if he could get an ambulance to the house, please. He's been anally. He's been anally probing me. Is this a alien? The 47 year old pilot who has not been named said that he felt okay. After ejecting at approximately 2,000 feet only his back hurt I mean that is in South Carolina there's no doubt that guy thought it was

an alien that we got an ET in the house we got a pilot in the house you know that's fine my husband often comes home from the bars parks right on the lawn and leaves it running so you're better than that right and then first of all i love that he said that he felt okay i mean i don't know if after losing a hundred million dollar plane you should publicly state that you feel okay at the very least you should say i feel guilty i feel ashamed i feel like a pussy for ejecting well this is probably his logic you know i feel okay especially considering i'm at the house where the plane didn't land and it's it's it's gonna land it's probably landing right now i'm not gonna feel okay when I see the photos of where it does land. Yeah.

Now they found debris. I don't, I didn't follow up on that story. I don't know where they found it, but I mean, I should know more about this story. I really don't. I don't know why he ejected at 2000 feet though.

That is low. What if it turns out like his wife is like, yeah, he, he ejects early a lot i could have told you this was going to happen he never he he never stays in the cockpit as long as he should yeah that guy has an aversion to cockpits man i don't know what's up with that guy yeah there's a lot of oil leaks in our

bed i think he just likes the navy uniform and uh i don't really know if he's in a woman yeah all right we're going entertainment yeah okay i did not see this story you put this in this morning no a couple days ago huh bijou phillips masterson has filed for divorce from husband danny masterson over a week after he was sentenced to 30 years to life in prison for raping two women. Oh my God. Phillips filed a petition to end their 11-year marriage. She cited irreconcilable differences. She requested spousal support as well as restoration of her name to Bijou Phillips and full custody of their daughter. The two were married October 2011 and share a nine-year-old daughter together.

Phillips stood by Masterson throughout his two trials. She wept when the guilty verdicts were read on May 31st when a judge handed down the maximum sentence allowed by law. Masterson will be eligible for parole after serving 25 and a half years. I think the extra half year was for the eighth season of that 70s show. You know, I saw a meme. The 70s show started to fire up memes, like, just in general. And this one had nothing to do with the rape. But it did occur to me, like, one of the things people in Hollywood think about,

like, I have a lot of friends on family guy right and they're played all over the world residual checks come it's called mailbox money residual checks come in because they're making money and selling family guy and their work is being sold in new markets and they can rely on that for the, you know, the foreseeable future and maybe the rest of their lives. Unless, like, Seth does something atrocious and gets canceled. No. No, I'm saying that's one, like, that's the only thing that could happen. Oh, that'll stop the show. Right.

Right. Like, for instance, back to the 70s show. Like, that bald dad was a really funny actor. He was in something else on Amazon. I'm forgetting Patriots, something like that. Anyway, he's really good actor. He was counting on those residuals probably for the rest of his life from that 70s show. Yeah. Gone. Right. That show's being pulled off the air. show yeah gone right that show's being pulled off the air he was on another yeah he was on another sitcom and wasn't he the father in a movie there was a movie that he was in denman what's the guy's name here he goes i think it was kurt wood smith right uh yeah he was in great in a movie called cedar rapids yes that was a good fucking movie um so first of all can things get worse for bijou phillips she grew up her father was john phillips from mamas and the papas who actively had sex with her sister mack for years. It was a crazy sexual relationship where I'm not saying by any means it was

consensual, but it was ongoing while she was like a late teenager. It was weird. Why would you even bring up the word consensual? Well, I just mean he wasn't holding her down and raping her every time. It became like a weird psychodynamic, which happens sometimes. Got it.

Yeah, I should not have even, that word should be nowhere near this description of what it was. Now this podcast is going to get canceled because of you. I've been counting on all the residuals for the rest of my life. But here's what I don't get about. Something's going on here. I think, and I have read nothing about this. The story was new to me. I mean, obviously I knew about the conviction and all that. I knew she stood by his side,

but I'm not even trying to be funny. So she was with him when he's an accused rapist. She totally believes he's innocent. Goes to the two trials. But now that he, in her mind, is wrongly convicted and he is an innocent man going to jail, that's when she leaves him? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. Do you think it was calculated? Like, they sat down with an accountant and they're like, the best scenario is if she divorces you, maybe you don't pay tax on, I'm just trying to think it through.

It might firewall her from civil litigation. That's true. Right. Right. I bet Danny is part of this decision. also I think Danny would say look to be fair to you I'm gonna be gone for the rest of my life basically go have a life go continue your her life I don't know if you know about her but at she grew up pretty rich I think I forget what her parents did well her father was John Wilson I think her mother was also very rich.

And she grew up at 13. She left private school to go model, and she lived alone in an apartment in the village where she just did fucking drugs. Oh, wow. And crazy. Was in rehab. Got sober by the age of 18.

And just has lived this fucking crazy life yeah and then the whole thing with her sister came out i don't know if she was aware of it while she was younger but um you know she had a she had a musical career she was a very successful actor. She's done a ton of great shit, almost famous. She was in that. Um, so what, just crazy life. Yeah, no doubt. Well, Masterson is not known for putting, uh, women and what they want first. So maybe he's not an honest decision. Uh, I don't know. I don't know what's going on there um but he's appealing yeah so he's appealing she wouldn't stay with him through the appeals i don't know i'd like to i'd like to

know more i bet tom o'neill knows well if he was so if he was so appealing she wouldn't leave him he never had to rely on his appeal to women. Right. He relied on force. So a meme suggesting Pauly Shore could play Richard Simmons has been circulating the internet. So Pauly Shore stirred the pot and posted this photo and caption. So it's a photo of them next to each other. They really do look similar. And they're both in like a namaste hands together pose. And then, quote, I've noticed the reactions to me playing Richard Simmons in a biopic.

I heard he's living in Big Bear. We've been playing phone tag. Yes, he has a phone. I'm trying to make it happen, you guys. In the meantime, hit up all the big producers. I'll see you at the Academy 2025 paulie shore i would say that is yeah the people on twitter definitely have the most juice with the producers hit up the big producers jimbo living in his parents basement in milwaukee

all right so after this a massive online response to all this and the coverage, which was on the Hollywood Reporter, TMZ, the New York Post, everywhere, a representative for Richard Simmons reached out to Pauly and said despite his love for Mitzi and Pauly, he'd rather not participate and he'd rather enjoy a quiet life. Huh? Mark Maron was upset when he heard the news. He did a 17 minute monologue about how he used to do coke with Richard Mitzi and Sam and Paulie didn't earn it.

Wow. Is this true or is this a joke? I don't know He said Paulie didn't earn it What does that mean? It's a joke See That's a joke Alright Denman That's a joke It's close to home It's very believable

Very believable Write it's a joke first next time Don't make me read it like it's serious I mean This is a This is a journalistic show Yeah Alright

It's very believable I could i could hear mark maron doing that i me and mark had an argument in the hallway of the comedy store the other night but it's not an argument he and i really poke each other because we we've known each other since college and we lived in new york together we've lived in LA together same manager and we know each other extremely well but we also torture each other and we were going at it in the hallway and Whitney Cummings videotaped it and she put it on her Instagram and uh and then after she videotaped she goes wow you guys you guys really love each other and she meant it and she was right like we really do underneath it all love each other there you go but he drives me crazy he drives me crazy like a lover would all right let's make

america florida all right miami a south flor Florida man was shot by police. Why? Because to celebrate the state's new open carry gun law, he was firing his rifle into the air. What is this? Is he Toucan Sam? I am even surprised officers responded to this. But officers did respond to an apartment complex on July 7th where they found a man in body armor firing a gun into the air.

Did he think the air was going to shoot back? Why do you wear body armor to go fire a gun in the air unless you're expecting trouble? go fire a gun in the air unless you're expecting trouble. Witnesses later told officers that the man claimed he was celebrating the new law that went into effect on the 1st of July. An officer who showed up ordered the man to stop shooting and to show his hands. So what did he do? He tried to run away. The man turned by. You weren't doing anything illegal. The man turned his body toward the officer while trying to enter an apartment, and the officer opened fire, striking the man several times. The man was taken to a local hospital where he was being treated until his arrest. guy cops shoot at him i mean yeah here's the thing about open carry you just got the right cops have been doing it for a hundred years they're gonna win cops are pretty good at it i mean what's the thing about shooting bullets in the air don't they they have to come down do they ever land on people when they come down no No, they do. There's famous cases of like a kid in a house

even getting killed by bullets coming down. I mean, clearly, if you're in Compton or if you're in a super crowded, I'm trying to remember, I think it was in, it might have been like in the hood in LA. I'm trying to remember the story, but it doesn't matter. If you're in an intensely populated urban area,

uh, your chances go way up, you know, but I think a lot of those are fired sideways, but when you go to like Afghanistan where they're always shooting in the air or Mexico, they shoot in the air. Um,

happens every new year's even St. Louis. This is serious. Not a joke, Greg. Don't read that as a joke. No, no, people firing in the air, it's a hazard. Trust me. People have been injured. Fact.

No doubt about it. Shooting in the air. Jesus. There's a lot more shooting in the air in L.A. than you think. There really is. Yeah. Like, if the Lakers win, forget about it. That's unlike Baltimore over there over there wait i'm dying

to hear your great joke mike spent about 12 minutes writing jokes for the script this week because we write them underneath the story and here's much time here's here's mike's here's mike's fucking killer joke for make america florida just what florida needs that was gonna lead to this guy out there in body armor. It was a setup, but that's why I don't like Gogol Docs. You don't need to see my setup. Setup to what? It didn't go anywhere.

That's what happens sometimes. That's all I need. You're going to put that in your next writing package for Will Ferrell? There's a setup. What should the joke be? Just what Florida needs. What do we got? A.

Well, I was thinking I was really a friend of the open gun law, open carry gun law. Yeah. There's a joke there. Send them in next week. Just what Florida needs. Dot, dot, dot. You're freezing. Now you're back.

OK. Here we go. I know I'm worried about this connection again we're gonna make australia florida this is the most perfectly australian uh news story a gold coast man who was uh who filmed himself taking his pet snake for a surf has been fined by Australian wildlife authorities. Igor Fioza and his Bradley carpet python became local celebrities earlier this month after video of them catching waves went viral, but their short-lived fame also tipped off wildlife protection officers. They said the man endangered the snake and breached his permit to keep the snake by taking her out in public. They issued him a fine of $1,500. Taking native pets out in

public can cause them unnecessary stress and could make them behave in an unpredictable way, the officer said. Snakes are obviously cold-blooded animals, and while they can swim, are obviously cold-blooded animals and while they can swim reptiles generally avoid water he said the python would have been found would have found the water to be extremely cold and the only snakes that should be in the ocean are sea snakes yeah i think it's much more humane to you know lock them in a goldfish tank with tanning lamps on them while your drunk friends pound on the glass and yell at them. And throw white mice at them. Yeah. But also, it's as if snakes express joy.

I understand you're in Hawaii and you bring your dog out there and maybe you could argue your dog's enjoying it and there might be evidence that looks like that. What is this? the snake also as i said it was probably freaking out yeah yeah i mean even if it's not how can it's not enjoying it they like trees this is the opposite of a tree there's nothing to grab onto and talk about being mocked i mean everyone's screaming hang 10 the fucking snake has no digits zero digits one of the only animals with no digits right he's hanging zero yeah yeah of course he's gonna find the water cold he's been under a fucking heat lamp for the last 15 years oh my god all right let's head let's head to sports sports. Colorado's. All right. So did you watch Deion Sanders and Boulder last week?

I don't watch college football because I have a hard enough time remembering the players and the pros. I can't learn 50 teams with 40 players each every year that changes. I did read about Deion Sanders when he was coaching that team in Mississippi and he took a completely

destroyed sports program in an impoverished school and he made them national champs and then he fucking left and then and then i was done then i was done with dion yeah jackson state and uh he um and it was a show coach prime i think it's on amazon and it's like a last chance you where you're taking this junior college or community college anyway so, so the game, do you know he has two sons playing for the team? Yeah, I heard that. One on offense, one on defense.

Both of them scored touch. Well, obviously the quarterback is this maniac. So they had four minutes left. They were down by eight, and he was on the two-yard line, went all the way down the field, and then they couldn't touch down and converted two to send it to the first overtime. And then there were two overtimes anyway, they're playing Oregon and they're supposed to get shellacked by Oregon

today. Like, like right now, I think. And, um, I think Oregon is a 20, maybe a 20 point favorite or something like that.

So you're saying it would be a good bet to take the less on this one? I don't know. Oh, their best player is out, Travis. Whose best player? Oregon's best player? No. Colorado. Oh.

No, that's not good. Anyway, but the reports, we don't have to go into it because we're not really sports guys, but the reports are amazing because he is the story, and he's also changing college. I think we talked about it last week, college football. It's like showtime now. Rappers coming in, singing at the beginning of the game. Oh, I heard about that.

Yeah. Who came in uh what's his name actually uh is he out of philly who little wayne little wayne yeah damn the rock was there yeah it's it's really it is like the lakers the lakerization of college football and but the millions that are pouring into Boulder, like even the Wall Street Journal, I think, did an article on, like it's not only the TV rights, which they want to show it every week now, but the amount, like the stadium, it was pathetic.

They had such a losing record just a year ago, and now the stadium is packed. When I go to Michigan to see Sophie, my daughter, and when there's a Michigan home game, I wind up staying closer and closer to Detroit. Every single room is sold out on home game weekends. Wow, that's incredible. Every restaurant.

You cannot get a reservation it's it's unbelievable well they were talking about taylor swift going she's in australia right now i think and that the towns have to have meetings for urban planning to accommodate the amount of people that are coming in and the amount of businesses being generated it's not just the ticket sales like whole towns are you know living off of her visiting for a week it's almost like Sturgis has to prepare for all the old guys just wiping out what business would you set up in Sturgis if you wanted to make some money every year padding probably padding for any turn on a road i mean the city should buy that if they want less less deaths have you been going out there and pouring oil on the uh turns and separating riders from their bikes yeah and their helmets

yeah um let's Let's do some international. Yeah. All right. My internet, the computer just told me my internet connection is unstable. Oh boy. Sort of like my, it also said my podcast partner is unstable.

Somehow it knows that. All right, I'll read this one. A pack of dogs, of dog identifying humans. there's a new one what happened to them i want something bad to happen to them already i haven't even read this article go ahead has prompted calls for animal control after footage of their meetup went viral and an estimated 1 000 people who prefer to be recognized as not humans but canines organized a gathering in berlin communicating

only by howling or barking at one another can you imagine like somebody walking a real dog past this gathering of germans on all fours barking and howling to each other do you think do you think like he'd try to he'd try to like fuck one of them or smell their asses or i have no by the way my internet i literally didn't hear anything you just oh it's hilarious it was a great riff uh is this germany this is germany berlin of course yeah freaks so Berlin. Of course. Yeah. Freaks. So I think they they all these people to to be fair, to be fair. You know, they knew they were going in a public place. So all of them got covid shots and and rabies shots. So at least they were being conscientious. I mean, this is Germany. I mean, where is the part of the story where they're all getting fucked doggy style?

Right. Isn't that what this is all about? Yeah, I think it's all foreplay. And I mean, I guess it's kind of like those people that dress up as animals and then they get together. That all leads to fucking. I know that. This would have been a good move back in the 30s.

Like, no, no, I am not. How can I be Jewishish i'm a dog in fact i'm a german shepherd i am i'm the opposite of a jew i'm a german shepherd right right um and by the way like i guess there would be no latrines they would just they'd pee how do you pee on a tree somebody Somebody must have done it. Somebody must have been on all fours and raised their leg and peed on a tree. Yeah, of course. That's how you have to be convincing. Yeah.

I'm trying to fix Wi-Fi as we talk here. All right. Let's get to letters to the editor. Give me a crinkle. All right. Let's wrinkle it. Here it goes. Wrinkle.

Okay. This comes from, I don't know, I forgot to write their name down. Yay, yay, for an in-person episode, and Mike, we females are not thinking

about the royal family. Oh. When it comes to topics thought about by women versus by men, unfortunately, what us females find ourselves dwelling on

is our physical appearance, while men, I understand conveniently and ironically, get to think about what else? Women's physical appearance. I got to say. Especially Roman women. I, dead right. And I love the sentence structure. This was kind of a layered, interesting sentence structure. Yeah, it's true. I mean, how much do women think about men's physicality versus men thinking about women's physicality? It's about 40 percent more, I think. yeah i mean like listen it's like dick pics versus dirty pictures that a woman would send like the reaction could not be more different right and also the women you see beautiful women with guys that not just are rich but some guys just have a great sense of humor or have or exude amazing confidence or have a charm and you see beautiful women go with them.

But guys, there's very little that factors in except for looks. Yeah. Some comedian I just saw, and I'm not going to get this right at all, but he goes, in terms of the double standard, he's like, it was something like the most disgusting thing you could whisper sexually to a strange woman, like in a, the passing around the street,

uh, would be the biggest turnoff. And she would maybe get furious and all this. And if it was reversed, most guys would be like, uh, I'm listening. Yeah.

Like, right. Right. I'll, I'll hear more about that. Where were you, where are we going with this? Yeah.

Um, another guy, Bruce Eaton. I'll hear more about that. Where are we going with this? Yeah. Another guy, Bruce Eaton. I talked about Aaron and I's trip to Escondido, where I am right now. We were here last week, and we spent a few nights. All we had to do was go to a 90-minute infomercial where a salesman tried to sell us a timeshare. And, of course, it turned into three hours and of course my wife who i said before the meeting my wife i said we're not doing this my wife i said we're not doing this she is such a sucker it's so funny because she grew up in new york city and you just think that she'd be a little bit more like discerning and by the end

of it she's like this is a good idea and i I was like, so anyway, some, this guy, Bruce Eaton sent me a link to a John Oliver story and look it up. If you're interested in any way in a timeshare, look up John Oliver show and timeshare scam. It is not like, you know, Joe's timeshare company in Tijuana. It's the Hyatt. It's the Hilton. It's the major hotel chains. They've got 60-year-old people on the chain for $200,000 that have never been able to secure a booking because they're all booked up. They want you to up. First of all, you're not getting any bookings.

And they say the way to get them is you've got to upgrade, which is another $30,000 that you owe. And then the maintenance fee that you pay yearly goes up. So you're paying upwards of like $2,000 a year. First of all, you're only getting a week. What's a week into $2,000? You could spend $2,000 on any hotel. You could get a hotel anywhere in the world for two thousand dollars for a week um and then there's these companies

what's even worse there's these companies they're called exit companies and you go to them and they're supposed to extricate you from the contract which the contracts there's a secondary market when people want to get out of these contracts, and you can't find anybody in those secondary markets. You literally have to give up – it's anywhere between $20,000 and $40,000 people are paying to have the timeshare, and you have to lose that money and just say, will you take over the yearly payments, and you get the nights in the hotel so there's these companies that help you get out and they are fly-by-night organizations that take another seven or eight grand from people and then they disappear and they prey on these people that are already getting fucked oh my god brutal story john oliver I got to tell you something. He does some good, deep exposés. Oh, it's like an hysterical 60 Minutes.

Right, right. It's that well-researched. It's incredible. I thought you were going to say it would be quite a feat if the timeshare companies set up exit companies. So now you're also paying them to get out of their own contract. Yeah, right. That's terrible. Let's go worse. Let's go to the obituaries.

And that's all, folks. You got it, pal. All right. All right, so we got this guy. You want to talk about this guy from Billy Williams? What do we got here? Oh, there's a soap star. Oh, no, no.

So what happened was this. We had a good week, everybody. Maybe we should just celebrate it, that no really well-known person very well-known person died this week so we didn't have an you normally put the obituary in uh greg and you didn't but i do know that guy angus cloud he didn't die this week but uh the actor from um what was it hbo's uh euphoria he uh they found out the cause of death. And the guy, I guess, was struggling with substances. And he had everything in him, like cocaine, fentanyl, everything.

His dad had died the week earlier. And he just, I don't know if he relapsed or if he just turned it on and maybe even tried to kill himself. But that was really sad. Because that was my favorite character in Euphoria, actually, which my daughter made me watch. Was his character in euphoria also a drug addict oh yeah he was the drug dealer oh wow and by the way euphoria i think we talked about but even if you've never seen it go watch uh put on episode one of season two and it's a very scorsese like dare i say it a very

scorsese confident open to that show and it is act it is the story of this guy angus his character and how he was created but he's such a real guy. He's not an actor, I think. And they found him. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've only seen a few episodes of this show, but yeah, I really liked that guy. That's a shame. I didn't know he died. He was really...

He had a really good quality about him. He did. I mean, he was kind of like really like flatlined a little bit, but there was something magnetic at the same time. He was discovered at a gas station, Chris just wrote in there. Wow, no shit.

I know. I gotta start going to gas stations more. All right, well, let's cheer up and go to the funnies. Let's do it. All right, so here's Hag of the Horrible. Once again, you know, what are comic strips in a newspaper for it's to get the kids involved hey kids why don't you read some of these colorful animated little

characters so here's lucky and hager and they're walking out of a castle and they've got sacks full of money and uh and then a woman who's dressed in an evening gown and pearls says hey you forgot one and then they uh open the bag that she's carrying and and he's and there's a the duke is in there and hager goes duke first of all if you're a woman in medieval times and you've been raided you're not playing little games you're not handing things to them you're fucking trembling in a wine cellar in the basement holding a knife praying to god you're not gang raped is this what you want your children reading in the sunday paper all right it's kind of a medieval uh rape kit that she gave him meaning that hey you can rape my husband on the road here's a little kit right right he's

in he's in this pouch here's the duke he's cute um lockhorns are in a health and beauty section of a store and uh loretta is looking at some lotion leroy's behind her and he goes you want to look younger just get older older friends. Good solid joke. It's a good theory. A lot of people use that theory, especially women. Is that true? Superficial women. Yeah, I think there's like me.

I mean, I think there's jokes, but I think there's some truth to like, it feels good to be the best looking in a group of girls. It is interesting how women cluster like when you see women out they if if this is gonna sound really sexist but if women are a certain body type they tend to cluster together you don't see a mixture like guys fat skinny tall whatever they all hang out together women strata try to stay within a point of each other. Sevens hang out together. Nines hang out together.

Am I wrong? I think you might be. I think sometimes they're like a heavy friend around. Well, you remember our friend, who I think we've both said is maybe the most beautiful woman we've ever known, and her best friend was a larger larger person do you remember that yeah um all right so now on to the far side we'll get away from that area i think you're digging yourself a hole far side it's this guy sitting on a plane fucking big one this guy's sitting on a plane

they're way up in the sky you can see out the window he has a window seat and he has his hand on his armrest and then there's a panel of buttons and the caption says fumbling for his reclined button ted unwittingly instigates a disaster so now you see his hand and here are the buttons there's a light button there's a call button for the uh you know the flight attendant there's a volume button and then there's a red switch and the red switch has an on and off position and it says wings stay on wings fall off that's the red button and all you have to do is flip it it's not protected there's not like a little plastic case over it to make sure that you won't touch it accidentally and the wings fall off

is the down position which is going to happen that's hilarious yeah here's what's not hilarious fucking dagwood and he's guy he's in the kitchen and he's got his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth while he makes a sandwich splattering mustard all over the place which who's cleaning that up not fucking dagwood and and so his daughter walks in oh no his son walks in with a girlfriend. And she goes, you're a real artist, Mr. Bumstead. Do you mind if I take a picture? And he goes, not at all. And then she goes, I'm having trouble getting the entire sandwich in the frame. And he goes, do you want me to take a couple of bites?

Now, the comic strip is, fuck the lines. Look at the tits on the girlfriend. What is with this artist? He is the most perverted. I mean, one thing is Blondie is Blondie. It's the way she was born. There's nothing she can do about it. But he has created this girlfriend with this tight little ass.

Look at her thighs and those jeans. And she's got bosoms just exploding out of her. I mean, does this guy draw and then masturbate to his own work? But think about it. Look at what the son grew up with look what he grew up feeding on that's true that's true he probably has oedipal issues and look at her she's a blondie literally yeah she's blonde as well but i'll tell you what blondie has no competition i mean dagwood is not even looking at her he's got food and he doesn't even notice his son's hot girlfriend. I mean, isn't that the joy of raising a son is when he gets to a certain age, he's going to bring a hot tail into the house for you to stare at?

Yet to happen with my son, by the way. Yet to happen. Okay. Still waiting, Owen. Still waiting. Oh, and still waiting. All right. Wait, what was the other one?

I'm looking up. What was the other story you were, we got away from? Uh, I forgot what it was where you're digging yourself a hole. Yeah. Anyway. Oh,

about women that are the same body types being. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you just cleanse that palate. Yeah.

All right. I'm a fucking pig. Who cares? I apologize for my internet connection. I hope it didn't disrupt the flow at all today. No, I think it was fine. And I think most people listen on. Not that many people watch our videos anyway.

I don't know why. You guys should be watching us. How could you deprive yourselves of a bald guy and a guy sitting in a fucking- Turn into Christopher Walken for a second. In a living room in Nashville. Watch us. All right. Well, listen, we want to thank Midcoast Media for doing a fine job as always.

John is in London, so hidey-ho to you. And Key and Beth and Chris and everybody else that makes the show come together. We want to thank our sponsors and we want to have you support our sponsors. That's how we keep the lights on in here. Go to tryfirstleaf.com slash papers and you're going to get yourself a deal on some wine. You're going to go to the game time app and put in papers and you're going to get yourself 20 off your first purchase uh you're going to go to uh what's the last one um go to prizepix.com slash paper use code papers for a first deposit match of up to a hundred dollars mike anything you want to promote

yes i want to promote you and i having a phone call this week or something about our merch yes how about that yeah we've had a lot of great suggestions from you guys and uh we get we come up we i think we're going to come up with like three things and then we're gonna we're gonna launch it because with like three things and then we're going to launch it because Christmas is coming and that's the time where you want to sell merch. There it is. All right.

Other than that, I think everyone should take a dish. Take a dish. All right. Bye-bye. Jokey, jokey, jokey Sunday papers. Jokey, jokey, jokey. Jokey, jokey, jokey. Jokey, jokey, jokey.

Jokey, jokey, jokey Sunday papers. That's crazy. Jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, jokey, Well, glad you made it through it. Take it easy. Honestly, though, I don't think you could pay me enough money to listen to this podcast. Like, I don't know how he does it.