Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 184 10/1/23

Episode Date: October 1, 2023

Lot of crime this week! Target is closing stores in some cities, Dollar General is getting robbed nightly and a woman named Meatball is crying in jail in Philly. The Writer’s Strike is over and the Jagger kids better get jobs because Mick is leaving them nothing!  

If you want the analog news, then give yourself to Jeff and me. You good at clap? Let's clap it in. Clapper. In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Commence screaming. clap clap it in clapper in five four three two one commence screaming read all about it read all about it hot off the presses taping on a friday night big news big politician just died not really news just in time just in time i did not say that i did not say that now it's just that i don't know if you call it news it's more like i mean i think

you read that headline and then you lick your thumb you turn the page and you go what's going on in sports it's a little mean she's sort of a legend diane feinstein no i little mean. She's sort of a legend, Dianne Feinstein. No, I just mean like she's so old that it was just you were expecting it any day. No, it's almost like Dianne Feinstein still dead. Is it Feinstein or Feinstein? I think it's Feinstein. Dianne Feinstein. Probably. Yeah. I wonder if that's considered anti-Semitic, because I remember when somebody won an Emmy and they thanked. Oh, it was. What's his name? Louis Anderson. He won. He won the Emmy for baskets. And then he thanked his agent, Rick Greenstein, when his name is actually Greenstein. Agent Rick Greenstein when his name is actually Greenstein.

And that's considered anti-Semitic? I just wonder if it's, is it offensive if you're Jewish to have people say Stein or Steen the wrong way? It's probably better than Rick McJewy, which I'm sure he's been called. I think that's the name of a bar mitzvah clown. Well, it's like people just lump in the stereotypical Irish names like that too. I mean, with us, all the Fitzgibbons, Gibbons, Gubbins. Well, when I lived in Little Italy, and you remember, I lived on the sixth floor of a walk-up.

Yes. Were you on the fourth floor of a walk-up and what were you on? Were you on the fourth floor of a walk-up? Five. And I would walk up the stairs and everything, it was little Italy. So it was all these little old Italian ladies. A lot of owls. And they would, um, they would all leave their doors open because they were always cooking and they would, they wanted to know who was coming and going and so i would walk up the steps i lived there for five years and i think 90 of them called me kevin for five years because i was the irish guy that works but they would give me food you'd walk up and like gina there was one called Gina Girl because she was the younger of the two Ginas in the neighborhood. Gina Girl would give me like a plate of pasta and I'd take it upstairs and I'd eat it.

And I was fucking broke back then. I needed food. It was amazing. They were always feeding me bacon cookies. Right. Yeah, it was nice. No, I would have food delivered. I would then be like, oh, God, I forgot foods.

I forgot I ordered food. Like, it's not here yet. I would then go out, and I would go halfway down the stairs, and I invariably would find, like, a Chinese guy in the corner, like. And I'd be like, dude, dude, dude, I'm so sorry. And I'd tip him, and I would take it the rest of the way. I was like a Sherpa running halfway down Everest to be like, no, no, no, no, no. You can't go above here without oxygen.

You have to acclimate at this level. And it was all. And then George, brother-in-law George, we ran two marathon, New York marathons. He would fly from L.A. He arrived with his bag, carry on bag. So it wasn't a lot. And he got to the top of my staircase. We're running the marathon the next day. And he goes, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm like, no, no, no. They're different muscles. I somehow, somehow they're different muscles. This,

this staircase gets everybody. Well, when I, um, my, my building, the intercom didn't work because the building was built in like maybe 1910. Was it keys in a sock? I would have to go next door to Tom O'Neill's house, Author of Chaos. Pick it up on Amazon.com. I'd go to Tom O'Neill's house and I would walk to his window and I would take the keys in a rolled up sock and throw it down six stories. I caught a lot of those. He would have to let themselves in.

Yeah. It was like a game. And by the way, a sock coming down from the sixth, it was like a knuckleball. The thing had such movement on it. I think I caught it like twice out of 10 times.

Yeah. And if you ever want to see that neighborhood in its glory, there's a movie called Mean Streets. It was Scorsese's first movie. And it was shot right on that block and at St. Patrick's Church right across the street where De Niro went to school and Scorsese went to school, I believe, right? I think, and although was De Niro's Tribeca? I don't know. But coincidentally,

I don't know. But I coincidentally. Godfather two, when he unscrews the light bulb and he's walking along the roofs. Yeah, that was Sullivan Street. Oh, interesting. And I think they might have filmed that during the. I also had a feast, the Feast of St. Anthony, because that's what church was on my way. By the way, I was just back in New York, uh, like, uh, over, actually it was Christmas and there's a very cool bar on my old block, Sullivan street, half a block below Houston. And I looked up, uh, some drink and like, Oh, the best martini in the area. Cause I just wanted a place that had hard alcohol and I just wanted a martini. I think it was going to a show or something.

Anyway, go in the place. It's like, Oh yeah, our martinis are those bullshit martinis. Right. Like with like wine. Yeah. I'm like, I go, you are on Yelp or whatever the hell it is. Eater. I go, and he's like, no, I know, I know.

But if you're in, it's still going on. If you're within, I think it's 200 yards of a church, you cannot serve hard alcohol in Manhattan. No kidding. Yes. That's hilarious. And that was a church where we all, we used to go to play bingo or just being the hipsters that we were back then. Bingo was there on Tuesday nights at St. Anthony's. And then it was at St. Patrick's on Wednesday nights and all the neighborhood ladies, they would go back and forth. And, uh, I think I told you this story. Like, Anthony, my landlord's names were Tony and Gladys Rago.

And their son was in construction. And so they had a bunch of money, and they moved around the corner. And their son, Gregory, bought them. Should I be saying these names on the radio? They're dead. Go ahead. He bought them a nice condo around the corner in like a modern building but they kept the tenement rent control place because they were

paying i believe they were paying 180 a month because they'd been there for 60 years right and so uh so on the first of the month i'd go around the the corner to Tony and Gladys' house, and I would walk in, and she would make espresso, and she would always have, what do you call those little Italian cookies? Oh, I don't know. Cannolis. Cannolis. She would always have cannolis. Cannolis, of course. So I'd have an espresso and a cannoli, and I would give her $600 with Tony in the room.

give her $600 with Tony in the room. And then when Tony would go inside, I would give her another 400 and she would go, that's my bingo money. Tony, you don't need to know about that. It's unbelievable. It's perfect. And I told you when my girlfriend, Alex, who is this little cute as a button, like adorable, just cute as a button. She smoking hot right right right so she was like blessed with like like women could very easily get jealous i brought her to bingo uh when she moved to new york and she's there also she's like bingo and she really did get bingo with her shiny hair and her like giant so and i seething does no justice to what every blue-haired woman in that room was just shooting daggers at her. Yeah, they've each got 13 bingo cards

in front of them, and they're stamping each one on every... And she had one card. If I had seen it coming, because I was still trying to figure out if I had B6, if I had seen it coming, I would have been like, just don't even win. I know you won. I'll give you the money.

Just don't yell bingo. Take a dive. Not your night. Right. Exactly. So what's going on? We should announce that the strike is over. I think obviously people all know about that.

But we stand in solidarity of the United Art of Workers and as well as the actors. Screen Actors Guild is still striking. Yeah, my pencil's down. My pencil's going to stay down for a long time, I think. Yeah, you can tell that when you go through today's script. And so the good news is, as you said, Strike is successful when both sides are unhappy with the results, right? And happy.

I think both sides are going to have happy and unhappy people. And that means it was truly a compromise. And listen, I haven't gone into all the details. I could become furious about something when I learn about it. But I think it was kind of an impossible spot. I think truly no one knows where this industry is headed more than ever. I know it's always been hard to guess, but more than ever. And no one, generally, no one is watching TV anymore relative to the numbers that used to come in. Right. So that's a problem. And I think we've both written on shows where AI would be negligibly different than what people were writing.

You know, there are certain shows that could be written by computers. So we won that. They're not allowed to do that. So that keeps some warm bodies in the room. And I think we also won that they have to keep the writers' rooms a certain size because they keep doing these things. What do they call them? Mini rooms or something?

Well, there's mini rooms and there's like, hey, can you guys get together and come up with a show and come up with a... But no one's paid and we don't know if we're going to pick it up,

but can you really write a lot? So that was going on. Right. So good news. We don't have to walk the line. Well, no, we do still do still have we should still be walking the line with the actors i guess i'll probably do that next week but no one tell uh no one tell my family the strike's over uh i don't want that to get out all right i don't want to change my

current behavior you know one thing i don't like is they're like one rule is we are not allowed as a union to stop working because of another union strike and i'm like wait a minute didn't we just ask the actors and directors not to cross our picket line like now you're saying we have to cross theirs i just talked to somebody today who is going back to work as a writer. Yeah. Right. So walking right through the actors that supported us? Right.

I don't know. Anyway, what's up with your eye? Yeah, I have a bloody eye. First time in my life, I had a contact in my right eye and I took it out. And then my buddy Rubi goes, dude, your eyes bleeding. So it was just a little blood vessel like in the side. And then I woke up this morning and it made a line towards my pupil. Anyway, here's the question to viewers. I went online and of course I'm dying of head cancer now. I went online and it says, yeah, there's nothing you can do.

And it's going to be two or three weeks, you know, for it to fade away. I hate that. I've been with people with the bloody eye. It's so distracting and unnerving. So one thing I read was maybe a warm compress. Cause that's how like they say you can get rid of any accumulation of fluid in your body, like cysts, blah, blah, blah. So someone said on the eye, maybe a warm. Does anybody have advice on how I can avoid going two or three weeks with an eye that looks like it should be in a horror movie? I don't know.

It's kind of charming. It's kind of like you could, yeah, it is a little harder, horror movie-ish. But, you know, I think it gives you an edge in a confrontation. Oh, speaking of which, I almost got in a fist fight on the golf course two days ago. Did I tell you this story? You did. And I heard it today. Oh. But go ahead.

Well, some fucking asshole. We're playing golf and it's and it's pretty crowded out there and i'm out there with dave rath god bless him mark flanagan who owns largo and the group in front of us were right behind them the whole time and then all of a sudden there's some guy playing by himself right in front of us like he just fucking cut in and so we did the only thing you can do at that point which is hit at him so somebody almost hit him in the head with the ball and he turns around he starts fucking screaming he goes what the fuck you doing what the fuck is and i go hey you shouldn't have cut in front of us and he goes the other three guys i was playing with left. They had to go. I'm just still playing. I was like, oh, my bad.

My bad. I hear you. Should have ended right there. It's a good story. Go on. Ended right there. With a saner person, that's the end of the story. But then we finish putting, and the guy comes running onto the green.

He was already on the next tee. Hit his tee shot, and then walked backwards to our green, which was right away like, now my antenna's up now now we got a problem so he comes at me and i and i and i and he's screaming at me and i go hey look asshole i see why the other three guys fucking left i go i go get the fuck away from me and he goes uh and he goes you know what you're a real fucking asshole. And I look at Dave Rath and I go, that's so weird. You just said that to me. I go, everybody thinks I'm a fucking asshole.

My wife, my second wife, my third wife. And then I asked him out on a date. And then he just turned around, confused, and just walked away. So let that be a lesson to our listeners. If you ever are about to get into a fight, act like a fucking lunatic. Just say weird shit and it will deescalate instantly. Oh, my God. All right. Well, people get it. I asked you earlier. You saw that video. There's a video, viral video online. Guy's running back, kind of like your situation, and he has a club.

And I guess there's a million videos of guys with clubs holding him like a baseball bat, threatening to swing. This guy didn't even stop running. He was running towards some guy. Then he made a left towards the nearby guy who's just standing there and swings hard and connects with the guy's arm. Yeah, and it looked like he hit him in the elbow. It looked like he connected with the top of the iron on the guy's elbow. That could break an arm so fast.

Oh, fuck yeah. He swung hard on a run. He was like Prince Charles on a fucking polo horse. So you got to watch out out there. It's kind of like you should be like I am in Tennessee. Whenever there is a potential incident that could get my rage up on the road, I'm just like, they probably have a gun. Yeah.

Probably. You know what? Go ahead, sir. Right, right. Just you wanted this lane more than I did, and I'll just jam on my brakes. I don't know. I kind of feel like once a month I need a blow up. I need to have that happen once a month.

It's kind of like your old great joke about how you reduce stress. You go out in the city. Yeah. Everybody's got to do something for their head just to clear their mind. For me, one night a week, and i do it on mondays i slip into the darkness and i take one human life and i just it just feels less crowded i know it's only one person but it just feels less crowded shoulders come down um so speaking of which of being frustrated on the golf course people might have noticed and

they have noticed according to dennis is we're no longer doing good news for gobbins right yeah yeah yeah you know we phased it out we think it kind of had its run and people got to know dennis and you know and then he hosted he hosted it felt like a natural dismount to a bit that, you know, ultimately, you know, maybe was I don't know if it was hurtful to him. I think some of the things I said were probably blown up and exaggerated for comic effect. But I think it probably didn't feel good for him. So it felt like we had fun. And God bless Dennis for putting up with it all. But we're not going to make fun of him anymore. Yeah. Definitely a good sport.

And so, yeah, come to the West Side Comedy Club. One Thursday he hosts a comedy show with amazing talent there and he hosts it. It's really funny. Once a month. Oh, dude, I wanted to give a shout out to Rich Voss. He's got a new special on YouTube. Rich is fucking great. Do you know Rich Voss? I mean, no. I mean, I Voss. He's got a new special on YouTube. Rich is fucking great.

Do you know Rich Voss? I mean, no. I mean, I know him. He doesn't know me. Yeah, yeah. He's hilarious. He's got a new special. And also, my friend Amir Golan has a book called 501 Jokes for Every Occasion on Amazon.

If you want to check that out. I'm just giving some shout outs to some friends who I think are very funny. The logo today comes from Rob Moore. It's the Sunday Papers. But here's the cool thing is it's the Brady Bunch, but each face is you or I, you or me. Me. He used different faces, different pictures of our faces for each character.

Pretty cool. Look at you on the left side, our left. As Jan. Yeah. And then you're making a smirk as Alice. Is that you or me? I think he might have kept Alice's mouth and chin. I wish I had as strong a chin and jawline as Alice.

I don't. The song comes from Bo Burnett. I'm hot as the mom, though, of Florence. I'll take that look. Oh, God. She's like Ellen DeGeneres. Bo Burnett did the song this week. He was channeling a little Roger

Waters. It sounded a little, I mean, I'm sure it's not what he was going for. I'm sure there's a new example, but it did sound a little ethereal with Roger Waters. Maybe early, early kind of Floyd. Nice slow jam. We enjoyed it. Thank you, Bo. Corrections from this past week.

Toucan Sam is the mascot for Fruit Loops. Yosemite Sam fires his guns in the air. See you on the 20th, Eric, in Bethesda, Maryland. I'm going to Bethesda. Oh. Bless your soul. Not going to Bethesda, Maryland.

I'm going to somewhere in Virginia, and I'll see him there. Good for Eric, man, making the journey down there. Yeah, but Toucan Sam is the big bird with the beak. And I forget, I don't even remember what the reference was last week, but I said the wrong one. We did a story, well, in the story was the topic of people shooting in the air. Oh, right. topic of people shooting in the air oh right oh a guy with a body armor in florida was shooting in the air and then and then celebrating the open uh carry uh law in florida that's what it was and i said wow why can't i remember a single name but i can remember that and i said what does he think

he's toucan sam which is a fucking bird and i was just like yep and then that was from uh eric and then this is from nigel in nigeria sounds suspicious i would like to correct another listener last week rick asked can you please give a notice when you talk sports well rick sunday papers gives two notices before they talk sports they crinkle the paper plus they play the sports guitar riff stick. Maybe listen to more than one episode before mouthing off, Rick, my favorite podcast. Oh, man. If Nigel from Nigeria is your real name, thank you so much. That's a good point. I mean, if anybody's looking for good information or even opinions that can stand up to scrutiny you're on the wrong podcast jim o'brien said me and aaron aaron and i try why did your dad work so hard getting you into

bu if you weren't going to learn anything now here's the thing is i don't know that that's right oh wait i think it's me and Aaron when you say, are you coming to dinner with me and Aaron? And it's Aaron and I when it's the subject of the sentence. Right, not the object. Okay, so you're right, Jim. Fine. Rob Marsh said, I believe most of the civilian casualties at Pearl Harbor

were caused by bullets coming back down. I don't think that's true. That's not true, right? Is he making a joke? Yeah, I'm trying to figure it out, though. I mean, I guess you're shooting at the planes above you. A lot of bullets came down, but clearly it was bombs. Yeah.

I believe most of the civilian. Oh, civilian. Hold on. Civilian casualties at Pearl Harbor. Yeah. I mean, I would imagine the U.S. military was just blasting bullets straight up into the air at the planes. Yeah. And if two kids died by their clothesline on the hill, that would be it.

I mean, how many civilians died in Pearl Harbor? It was pretty targeted, so to speak. I think it was just those two. It was just those two kids by the clothesline. Just those two kids. Yeah. Why did the parents make them do laundry, especially on a Sunday? I would think during airstrikes you cut the kid a break.

I mean, chores are important, but I think a bunker is a, you know, you can do clothes in the bunker. Yeah, you're right. I don't understand. Fucking Japanese, man. Tour dates. Oh, this week, I'm so excited. I'm going to Shirley, Massachusetts

to play at Bull Run on October 5th, and then I'm going up to New Hampshire to do Manchester and Nashua over the weekend. And then Foxborough, Mass on Sunday night. Going to see the Patriots play during the day. Are you really? And then doing a show in Foxborough that night right at the stadium. Hey, what's your name in the pool?

Daquan and I got two left. One is Daquan. You're not Jerry's kids, are you? No. All right. They're ranked number one. Also coming to town in Sacramento, Arlington, Virginia. That's what it is.

Arlington, Virginia. Baltimore on the 22nd of October. Houston, Bakersfield, Austin, San Fran, Fort Worth, Atlanta. All dates at FitzDog.com. Don't do any math jokes in Baltimore. We did that story last week. They will not get it. Oh, boy.

They also don't stop at red lights in Baltimore. It's like a thing. Did you know that? No. I don't think that's a thing. I'm telling you, people do not stop at red lights in Baltimore, I think think because the crime is so bad, and they don't ticket you for it. All right. I'm going to have to take your word for it.

If you're from Baltimore, please write in and let me know if I'm talking on my ass. But I was there once to do a show. Me and David Spade came in and did a corporate show together. He flew on a jet. I came in coach could he give me a ride home did not oh my god we did a show for the steel workers and um i was there for a couple days and i i was like what's going on and they were like oh yeah people don't stop here they don't stop at red lights what are you looking at on your phone it's called

game time oh there you go. Talk about it. God damn it. We talk about Game Time all the time. We love it. I'm looking at some what's going on here. Cold play is tomorrow and Sunday. It's a high ticket right now, but keep watching Game Time. It's going to come down.

Right now it's 166. Goose, I really wanted to – have you listened to Goose yet? They're a jam band, right? Yeah. I think so. Yeah, They're a jam band, right? Yeah. I think so. Yeah, they're a jam band. I heard them do a cover of Broke Down Palace. Goose, only 16 bucks today at the Santa Barbara Bowl.

Yeah, but you got to go to Santa Barbara. You want to go to see a good NFL team, unlike the Jets? Chargers. And keep an eye. Remember, it's not until Sunday. Right now it's Friday. 169 right now. And the Los Angeles Angels,

six bucks. Go to game time. It's the fast, easy way to buy tickets. I didn't know the Angels was a female team. What did I say about that? Oh, I get the joke. Yep. Well, WNBA is over. I see what you're saying. Game time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all the sports, music, comedy and theater events near you. I've said it before. Sometimes I go there. One of the things is like it's sports and then it's music. Then there's discover. And that's turned me on like when especially when I'm down in like Nashville, it's like I just see what's going on in town. It covers so many things. There's even small clubs where they have music and comedy nights.

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Here we go. Oh. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Extra! We all about it! Extra! All right, this is a big headline this week. I saw it everywhere. AI girlfriends are ruining an entire generation of men.

And when I read that headline, I thought, that is only a slight update from the headline of the last 100 years, which was girlfriends are ruining ruining entire generation of men. Millions of users apps have been created and they with virtual girlfriends that talk to you, love you, allow you to live out your erotic fantasies and learn through data exactly what you like and what you don't like, creating the perfect relationship. And for an extra 50 bucks, she'll shut the fuck up. No, I'm kidding. That was a joke that somebody else might do.

And don't be mean to her because she will easily kill you. Well, that's, yeah. I mean, that's the thing. I didn't see that movie, Her, but does she ever get evil? Is there a point where you get scared of her? Hold on. You've never seen Her? No.

I think you have. I don't think I have. It's with, you know. Joaquin Phoenix, right? Yeah. And Scarlett Johansson. Dude, you and erin have to it's really it won the it won the oscar for screenplay spike jones wrote it wow i worked at oscars and i was rooting for it to win best movie and you and erin should watch it it's

so romantic you know what it is i remember when some people, like, I forget who it was, but I was like, I thought Brokeback Mountain was one of the most romantic movies. And someone was like, eh. Or, like, they just couldn't get over that it was two guys. And I'm like, you know, what a cretin. Similar with her. I'm like, this is one of the most romantic movies. And people are like, the guy and his computer? Yeah.

And I'm like, yes, the guy and his computer. Well, Joaquin Phoenix is that good. I buy it. I'll watch it for sure. Let me ask you this. When you worked at Oscars, did you get to meet Scarlett Johansson? She was there because she did the voice. You know, the funny thing is, so keep in mind, when you were watching Joaquin's performance,

he is alone the entire movie. Like, it's so much more impressive, his acting. Right. And she wasn't the initial voice, by the way. And I forget who it was. It was someone we know was the first voice. Is she as beautiful in person as she is on screen? I'm just going to say yes.

I don't really remember seeing her. I'm kind of obsessed with her. Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, she's well endowed, so to speak, and very, very cute. It seems cool, right? Great voice. Great lips.

Seems very cool. The only thing holding her back is her husband. Jesus. I mean, no offense to Colin Jost. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but I just have never. Also good looking and well endowed. He's not good looking. I'm kidding. He looks weird. Oh, he's a weirdo. Went to Harvard. I'll tell you that very quickly. But anyway, on this story, it must be getting

tough because I have thought many times if I was a teenager and then in college and I had this much access to pornography and this type of pornography. And that's, you know, a lot of people have spilled ink on this. And there's a lot of intellectual angles. Like it is isolating. It is, it is. I mean, and there's, listen, there's always been outlets for lust and for relationships. If you count like, you know, for lust and for relationships, if you count like, you know, prostitution. Well, this is making it like this is customizing kind of prostitution in a way. But it's it's virtual. Yeah, it's victimless. You know, I mean, who can complain about the morality of it?

I'm reading or I'm listening to a biography of Mozart right now. And they're talking about that back in the 1700s, men didn't get married until later in life because you were expected to be well into a career and doing well before you got married. So every guy fucked hookers. It was constant. And he didn't do it because he had so many friends

that had come down with crippling venereal diseases that were scarring. Like you walk into a room and everybody knows you have syphilis because your ear is hanging off. Oh, my God. And your teeth are falling out, you know? And you haven't even gotten married yet. Your AI girlfriend's not going to riddle you with disease. That's right. But, well, what this article is saying is there are victims,

and they might be the guys who are becoming asocialized and isolated. And then also women can't live up to, you know, whatever now image they have of what an ideal girlfriend should be. Right. Not to mention watching porn and the expectations that there are of women after having seen the most beautiful women, the most caring women doing pornographic films.

All right, let's move on here. Jesus. I think the story ruined us. Target says it will close nine stores in major cities across four states because of theft and organized crime. I thought we'd play a little guessing game. Can you guess the four cities and areas where they shut stores. Well, first of all, I blame the store. You know, they literally made themselves a target. Sorry.

It's like a kick me sign. It's like a kick me sign taped to your back. Yeah. Or pay less. Pay less. How about I pay nothing? How about that? Oh, I'll pay less.

Here I come. I'm coming in with about six bags that are empty, and I'm leaving here in about three minutes, and they're all full. Hey, how about you want me to shoot less? All right. I'll shoot less, and I'll pay nothing. All right. So how many cities?

Yeah, there should be a new store, new chain national chain called just smash and grab come on down to smash and grab no one can beat our prices right um so there's a four areas city they're basically cities four cities not nine stores in four cities all right i'm gonna Somehow, no. All right. I'm going to say Atlanta. No. This is how we find out where Greg is racist. Go ahead. Chicago? No.

You're doing terribly. New York? New York is one. I was surprised because it can't be Manhattan, right? No, it's got to be Queens. It's an island. How can they get away? Yeah.

I mean, I'm not saying there's not tons of crime, but those are the smash and grabs they're talking about are really, they're usually a bunch of people and then they have to make a getaway, and they usually get in cars. So I might have it wrong, but it seems like more challenging in New York. Los Angeles is a driving city. I know. I thought L.A. would because L.A., man, they are closing. Like some Starbucks have closed because of violence. But no, you're terrible at this.

Houston. What is one of the cities that everyone says has gone to absolute shit? San Francisco. Bingo, bingo, bingo. There's three stores in the Bay Area. Okay. And is this because the dot-com bubble has burst? What's another city that they said has gone to shit?

Another city that's gone to shit? St. Louis. That's always been shit. I did that for Midcoast Media. Cincinnati. Jesus. Portland, Oregon. Oh, of course.

And then Seattle. Oh, there we go. Okay. So mine, you're saying were racist, but those were actually all very, Seattle and Portland, you think of as actually ethnically very white. There are libtard cities. Those are four libtard cities. That's what the right's going to run with on this.

Interesting. Because we are easy on crime. We don't like putting criminals in jail. Yeah, right. That's our motto. Speaking of criminals, a laughing social media influencer was arrested while she live streamed looting in philadelphia on tuesday night uh she was crying by the time she was booked into jail deja blackwell 21 uh was crying in her mug shot she's known as meatball to her 400,000

tiktok fans 400,000 she went live as police stopped her vehicle, telling those watching, they want me bad. In the live stream, Blackwell, or Meatball, responds live to her followers as she realizes the police did, in fact, want her. She said, oh shit, they're coming near me. She faces six felonies, including burglary, conspiracy, criminal trespass, riot, criminal mischief, criminal use of communication facility, and receipt.

Receipt. Is that how you say it? Yes. Stolen property. Of course. Now that's a stupid meatball. That's a stupid meatball. And how is Philly not closing every target?

That's a thought I had when I read this story. I know. I mean, Philly, I was just there not long ago. It is bad. There is a general vibe walking down the street in Philly that they're not in control of the city. Right. There are homeless people that are whacked out. They should be in mental institutions.

Well, they're zombies. They're doing that drug, whatever. I should know in mental institutions. Well, they're zombies. They're doing that drug, whatever. I should know what it is, but they're doing a drug that basically puts you to sleep on your feet or you're leaning against a wall and unable to move. Yeah. And by the way, those are the best people in Philly. Wait till you meet the ones that aren't on drugs.

Yeah. You mean the sports fans? Yes. A store clerk, let's keep the crime going. A store clerk has been arrested after shooting an armed robber in self-defense at a Dollar General in Louisiana. Raphus Anderson was working in the downtown Monroe location when the thief took the money from the register and attempted to leave the store. He pulled a gun and fired more than one shot. Suspect was hit along with an innocent bystander.

Oh, boy. And there's nobody innocent at Dollar General. It was Meatball's cousin, Cheesesteak. Yeah, right. I'm telling you right now. Hey, Cheesesteak. When officers arrived, the robber was found lying, and the money that he had just robbed from the store, he later died.

As Anderson locked up the store, as usual, he went to the police station to turn himself in. Now, did he finish his shift? It's hard to tell. I don't know, but he paid his own bail with a ton of bloody tens. When he was questioned by the police, he mentioned that this was the sixth time somebody had robbed him and tried to rob him in the last five months. Four of the attempted robberies had been successful, so he felt scared he could be killed.

He was released from jail without bail. Wow. I mean, look, this is Louisiana, so it could have been worse. The Dollar General is like a Gucci shop in Louisiana. You should see how often they hit the Penny General down the street. It's 100 times worse. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Chaos. Now the $60 generals are closing throughout the country. I'll have a quiz for you next week. Yeah, that's a real scandal. What's his name? John Oliver did a story on the Dollar Generals about how fucking evil they are. Oh, really?

Yeah. Wow, they're all over the South. You put in this story, you were really into robbery this week. I was really into robbery this week. I don't know what it was, but two women are accused of, quote, trick rolling a man at a Las Vegas... I love that phrase.

I love it. Trick rolling a man at a Las Vegas strip resort while he was drunk. A trick roll, this is what I love, is when some chick who has her... She has her master's in communication from Bard College, and now she's describing what a trick roll is to her to her her readers a trick roll is a common technology

terminology among sex workers to describe stealing from someone who has sex with a prostitute uh they named the women they faced grand larceny and burglary charges. The incident occurred Thursday at Caesars Palace, where the victim told police he'd been staying for a convention. The report, I need to know what kind of convention. The report indicated that he and a few co-workers had been playing blackjack at a gaming table for several hours. After winning approximately $125 125 000 at the table the victim met two women the report said the victim told police he did not remember inviting them to his hotel room the victim told police he woke up a few hours later and discovered that his money and his rolex watch were gone he also told police he was extremely intoxicated and did not recall

much after meeting the two women. The report stated that the women are accused of stealing $120,000 in cash along with a Rolex watch valued at $20,000. Do you think that one of those women

was Camilla Cosby? Wait, what women was Camilla Cosby? Wait, what's the Camilla Cosby? Bill's wife. He was always drugging you. I forget her name. Yes, Camilla. It's Camilla, right? I think, because I always confuse it with his TV wife.

Yeah. But just on Cosby for a second, I ran into a big producer that you and I both know in a pharmacy the other day. And he goes, you're never going to believe what happened today.

This is two days ago. And I was like, what happened? He goes, Bill Cosby called me. And I go, why did Bill Cosby call you? And he goes, well, I saw that there was a property listed on the West Side and I wanted to see who was selling it. And he did his research. He realized it was Bill Cosby and that it was like a property that he'd seen had been sitting there for like two years, not moving.

And so he called up and I guess he had worked with Bill at some point. And so he said, tell Bill it's me and to call me. And so Bill Cosby calls him. And he goes, and all he wanted to do was talk about how the press is maligning him. And it's like 60 fucking cases. You can't, after 60 cases, go, you know what? I'm going to lay low. I'm out of jail.

I'm going to fucking lick my paws and be so thankful. Big idea. So this guy's a realtor now. He used to be a producer, and he's going to sell that. Oh, I know who you're talking about. Yeah. Yeah. Well, all those women got bill rolled.

That's what they, not a chick rolled, bill rolled. Yeah. all those women got a bill rolled. That's what they not, not a trick roll bill rolled, but that's a, that's a great Vegas story for the wife at home on how you lost everything. Like it's better than the truth. Like I lost it. Listen, I lost a ton of money. I had to pawn my Rolex to lose that money too. I'm so sorry about all this. And, uh, but I do believe this guy because I was seeing those two women. I think he could have done better after winning $125,000. Well, I mean, also, like, how do you walk away with $125,000? Does the casino give you $1,000 bills? It seems they'd love to give it to you in chips, of course.

But I guess and you have to fill out tax forms, right? Yeah. But like, how do you even fit a thousand bills in your pocket? Well, those girls took care of that problem. Yeah. I mean, I would say also like the jury, not a lot of sympathy with the jury either. The guy, you know, a guy who gets shit face, picks up a whore and has a $20,000 Rolex. I mean, what about the women? And I'm not, I'm only half kidding here. What about the women? Let's find out about their lives a little bit. You know, what would Jesus do? Jesus was famous for helping prostitutes, which seemed convenient. And Jesus wanted to take money away from the rich.

That's right. That's right. So they're Team Jesus. That's your point, right? I think a lot of people that end up on juries are Christians because Christians are suckers. And they're the only ones you can get to sit on a jury these days. I will say it's funny for robberies. Now, the two new weapons of choice used to be on opposing ends of the crime spectrum. You have roofies, which is used in so many of

these rolling robberies. And then the other is pepper spray. Have you seen how many videos people like all like the smash and grabs and also when they're getting stuff out of people's cars, they pepper spray has replaced guns. No, really? You can't. It's like you temporarily shot the person. Wow. I hadn't heard about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that used to combat guys who had roofies, the pepper spray. But now they're working in conjunction. They've teamed up. And that's how they're doing crime. Oh, no.

Pepper spray is like they'll steal your car. They'll just smash your window, spray you. You can't do anything. They'll rob you on the street after spraying you. Do you think when they come up to your car, they look at you like a fancy waiter and go pepper? Yeah. So they do.

And the spray it's weird. It's out of, they have to, they have to twist it, grind it out into your right over your eyes. Yeah. Uh, this is one that also involves death and Philadelphia and American

airlines flight attendant was found unresponsive with a cloth in her mouth at the Philadelphia Airport Marriott on Monday. The 66-year-old woman was found in her hotel room just after 10.40 p.m. and pronounced dead by 10.45. No weapon was recovered at the scene. All right. First of all, how do they know? I blame the hotel. Like what? Why are they going into a random woman's room at 1045 at night? Are they turning down the sheets? How did they know that she was dead?

It's so weird. Yeah. I need more story. So Philadelphia police. It's put down service at the hotel. Right. Put down. Inspector Scott Small told NBC Philadelphia that police are investigating the incident as a suspicious death. Oh, you think? No signs of forced entry. And the unidentified woman was on several medications. A statement from American Airlines said employees are devastated by this news. Yeah, because now they got to pull a fucking double. Now Sandy's got to do first class and she's got to get to the back and put ice into the... They're devastated. Am I the only one thinking that we should check the whereabouts of Meatball on this night?

Or the two whores in Vegas? Hey! Or the two whores in Vegas? Yeah. They've been on a spree. Well, this is why I think a lot of right-wingers are going to say, or the two whores in Vegas. They've been on a spree. Well, this is why I think a lot of right-wingers are going to say, this is why they need to stop telling people

you have to wear a mask. That's what it is. On airplanes. She's not going to be a spreader. They'd be wrong on that one. That's right. It worked. I also blame the hotel

because they got rid of those mini bars. There's never mini bars anymore. Now people are so fucking hungry, they're eating washcloths, and they suffocate and die. I used to have a funny sketch idea that I never did anything with, but I couldn't get over when I moved here. That last call in this city is basically 1 a.m. coming from New York. And so I'd be like, it's last call. It's like 1230. You're like, what the fuck? And there's like, there's nothing you can do, but you can check into a hotel with

a mini bar and then you go through all that. And then you have to call downstairs and be like, I'd like to get another room. And you just keep buying, you know, you have a small, you have like five or 10 people and you keep getting rooms till you can't drink anymore when i was uh i was out here for pilot season in 1997 no 98 and uh so me and malloy were driving through century city and we bumped into arty lang and arty is pre-Stern show. But Artie might have been on MADtv or maybe he just had a development deal. But he had a hotel. And he's like, all right, guys, I'm having a poker game tonight. You guys come by around 9 o'clock.

So we go over to his room. And he's got a bunch of debaucherous, you know, real low-life lunatics in the room. And they clear out the minibar. And they call room service. And they don't order a bottle they just order more mini bottles and there were about six phone calls and six deliveries of fully restocking the mini bar and i was like i go i go arty how you gonna pay for all this he's like he's like i got a per diem i I'm like, what is it, $8,000? You got an $8,000 per diem? Mini bar, mini problems back then. Too bad we don't have a mini arty.

Major arty. Major artery. All right. Kringle. Entertainment. entertainment. All right. So not a story,

but Olivia, my youngest daughter and I, uh, she wanted to watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, a movie. I remember loving, and now I love it even more. Charlie Kaufman. And I'm re I'm still reading ant kind and it's i laugh at least once a page and sometimes truly out loud and so i'm in a charlie

kaufman phase but this is so i'm watching eternal sunshine as well as mine and she's like first she goes so kind of like what's what's the story without giving it away? I'm like, oh, and I remember the general conceit, but I really remembered it so differently. And I'm watching and there's a meta quality of like, my mind is being erased as I get older. It's, it's, it's, it it's like there's someone out there. I'm asleep and they are just erasing giant chunks and parts of my memory because there was so much I didn't remember. Now, the only other thing I'll say about it, first of all, everyone should see it. on written being John Malkovich and he wrote adaptation and then he had won the Oscar, I believe for adaptation. So he was getting no notes for eternal sunshine, spotless mind. Cause at one point Olivia pauses and she goes, I am so confused on timelines here. Which, which guy are we seeing now? Like, is he pre breakup, post breakup, pre race, post a race? And I couldn't even answer the question. And it of course all makes sense, but he would have gotten so many

notes, like hold the viewer's hand a little more. Yeah. But anyway, uh, and the, and this is the last thing I'll say is I don't know if I am smarter or dumber. I have a bet. But because I am so much more impressed with the movie now than I was when I saw it. Like, it's so incredible. It's amazing. And the cinematography is incredible. It's just beautifully shot.

Those scenes on the beach. Oh, yeah. Speaking of cinematography. it's like 20 years old i saw vulvar you know almodovar yeah almodovar i have to see his movies i have not i am ashamed to say i have not seen them they're gorgeous he he has this thing with color i know you don't like the uh what's their names uh brown people what were you gonna say the um grand budapest hotel who oh he's adorable wes anderson he's like wes anderson he likes to shoot he's got a really great eye for colors uh but he introduced the world to penelope Cruz, which forever we'll be grateful for. He broke her when she was 18 years old

and I just saw this movie evolve. She is, I could stare at her for days. She's also legitimately funny. She can tell a joke. She's great. She's great. She puts it all out there.

I saw that my son is obsessed with this guy, Amal Devar. Not Penelope Cruz? I'd be worried. He's into her too because one of the movies, I didn't see this one, but he saw one the other night where she's 18 and she's having full-on sex with every

character in the movie. So I've got to watch that one next. Yeah, I think I do. Speaking of having sex with anything that moves, Mick Jagger this week said, my kids don't need my $500 million fortune. The 80-year-old musician hinted to the Wall Street Journal in a recent profile that he doesn't want to sell the band's post-1971 music inventory. Jagger teased that the money should go to charity instead of his offspring. Quote, the children don't need 500 million to live well. Come on.

You maybe do some good in the world. So Jagger's oldest child is his daughter, Karis, who's 52. And that was with Marsha Hunt, who was his wife in 1970. In 1971, he wed Bianca Jagger and had daughter Jade, 51. By the way, I don't know if he married Karis, but he married Bianca and had Jade, and she's 51. Jagger and Jerry Hall have four kids. The daughters Elizabeth, 39, and Georgia May, 31, and sons James, 38, and Gabriel, 25. And finally, he and model Luciana Morad Jimenez

welcomed son Lucas. Oh, no, this isn't final. Welcomed son Lucas, 24, in 1999. And then his youngest child is with his now-girlfriend Melanie Hamrick, and that's Devereaux, who is only six years old. Ah. So he had the kid when he was 74?

Yeah, well, the new Rolling Stones song is called Angry, and when Mick sings Don't Get Angry With Me, at least 10 people think it's about him now. Right, right. I think they're also thinking it's about them when he sings You Can't Always Get What You Want. Exactly.

I guess the real question is, how much is he going to leave to broke-ass Keith Richards? Because that guy burned through all of it. Yeah. I mean, I like the guitar sounds really cool on their new song. The angry one. I haven't heard the one with Gaga and Stevie Wonder.

They do that. That was live in the studio. There's footage of it. Wait, Gaga andvie wonder do a song with the stones yep no yeah wow yeah so that and i think that might have been released this week that song i don't think that yeah i don't think the whole album is out yet i think it's out i think it's out next week but good for me snorting on the phone. I have some kind of fucking allergy going on. Sam Walton, you know, I think famously, I think it was Sam Walton, didn't leave much to his kids. I mean, wait, no, no.

No, they're the richest kids in the world. It's not Sam Walton. Yeah. Someone, Buffett? Yeah, I think Warren Buffett is, well, he's part of the billionaires club of people that promise to give away all their money. Yeah. One of the biggies, though, and of course, well, what's his name? Didn't give a shit about his daughter.

I could be wrong on most of that, but Steve Jobs. Yeah, right. He didn't raise her, that's for sure. Right. Former Family Feud contestant. I'm so sorry for snorting in the phone so much former family feud contestant timothy tim blefnek who joked that marrying his wife was his biggest mistake while competing on the show in 2020 was recently sentenced to life in prison for killing

his wife uh now he's claiming the joke joke held no purpose other than to get some laughs. Same with the murder. As the subject of an upcoming 48-hour special entitled The Game Show and the Murder, he discussed the infamous joke. The question was, what is the number one regret that people have from their wedding day?

And he said he wasn't said with any bad intentions it was supposed to be funny so uh what so he said getting married whatever it was but uh steve harvey said oh he said to steve harvey i love my wife i'm gonna get in trouble for that aren't i Harvey said, it's going to be a lot of hell to pay at your house. So, I mean, I guess in this week's episode, they have the question is, things that happen to you in prison. Top ten answers on the board. Murdered, survey says.

Ding. Raped, survey says. Ding. Sucking dick, survey says. Ding. Forced hand. Survey says ding. Forced handjob. Survey says more sucking dick. Survey says ding.

Shanked. Survey says ding. Raped again. Survey says ding. Jeff Ross records a stand-up special in the rec room. Ding. Survey says, another blowjob. I'd like to go on. You'll take that after the Jeff Ross in the rec room.

Didn't he shoot a special in a prison and one at the border? Yeah, I think he was then. He was roasting people. That's what they need. Oh, that's what it was. He roasted prisoners. That's what the prisoners need, to be insulted. Yeah, I think he was then he was roasting people. That's what they need. Oh, that's what it was. That's what the prisoners need to be insulted. Yeah, right.

I know. They must have had some beefed up security for that shit. Yeah, I think so. On this week's WTF, Mark Maron's podcast, Chevy Chase is the guest. So whatever. Maron mentioned that one of his only interactions with him was when he participated in a 2002 comedy central roast of chase chase said, Oh, wasn't that awful?

Well, I felt awful. I told Paul sheer, the host of the event, no Schaefer. Oh, Paul Schaefer, the host of the event.

Everyone was out to, you know, you're supposed to be a little loving. They just roasted me bad. They clearly didn't like me. I didn't know what to do. I sat there and they just roasted me bad they clearly didn't like me i didn't know what to do i sat there and i thought jesus christ they don't like me um i don't know what happened this is what paul schaefer i think said uh i don't know what happened to chevy's career what happened to chevy's career i can answer that in three grams

now some say his career went into the shithouse because he burned a lot of bridges. He had a problem with prescription drugs. I think it was the acting. All right. And then Mark Maron said, this actually isn't a roast Chevy. It's an intervention. We are all here. We want you to stop

making movies, television, anything. Please stop. You're out of control. You're in denial. No one wants to work with you anymore. It's selfish. You're hurting yourself, the people around you, and you're disappointing people who rent videos everywhere. Yeah.

Marriott said on the podcast that he thinks the night of the roast was one of the worst nights of both their lives. Marriott said that after his bit, he went to his hotel room and cried. He said, I bombed so badly. I went to my hotel room and I said, I've got to quit. Now in full disclosure, I also performed on that roast. And I, I'm telling you right now, Mark Marin killed compared to my set. It was a crowd of, it was, it was still the friars club rose so the entire audience were these old jewish people from the friars club and they did it at like one in the afternoon at the hilton in new york city and uh i went on maybe three hours into the show and they weren't laughing

at anybody and um i don't even think i made it on the i don't when they aired it i don't even think i made the final cut i don't know i don't know if marin made it on the, I don't, when they aired it, I don't even think I made the final cut. I don't know if Marin did, but yeah, lucky me. Marin must be fun in relationships when he tears a guy apart and then he's the victim. And by the way, what Marin was crying about is he didn't tear the person apart well enough. Yeah.

That night, I met a guy I'd never seen before named Stephen Colbert. He was on his way up. I think he'd done a couple of daily shows. And he came in and he fucking annihilated. Wow. He killed, and you know who else killed? Lisa Lampanelli. Well, she, people forget, she was

a ringer. But she closed. I was second, I think I was second to last, and I was like, alright, well there's nothing I can do. This crowd's fucking dead. It's three hours in. And then she goes on after me and destroys. I'm like, fuck! Yeah, that's tough. That's tough in anything

it's tough in sports when you're like nothing can be done and then someone does it yeah yeah and then al franken was on that as well and he was he didn't go over well but he had very funny material nice um we don't have to do this story but you know we maybe next week we talk about this HBO. Let's do it next week. Yeah. Yeah, the nude one. I like the, I mean, the concept's catchy. Catchy concept. So is Florida. Let's do it. Okay, we're going to do the Florida story in a second.

But I did see these two consecutive headlines this week on some news page. And it was, Florida now leads the nation in book bans. news page and it was Florida now leads the nation in book bans. And the next headline was Governor Newsom bans bans in California. That's hilarious. That sums up our country right now, I think. Anyway, I think I think New York City probably leads the country in writing books and Florida leads it in banning them. Yeah.

And somewhere else in burning them, maybe Florida also. A Florida man who went to extreme lengths to find his wife's car, including hiring a banner plane to aid the search for the custom car, says the vehicle has been found and picked up thanks to a tip on Instagram. So anyway, the reason I grabbed this story is because there's detail about the car. Soon after the theft last week, the man hired the plane pilot, Rob Maverick Ramirez, to fly above South Florida Friday afternoon

with a sign that read, stolen purple Rolls Royce reward. And then it had his phone number. So is it that hard to find a purple Rolls-Royce reward. And then it had his phone number. So is it that hard to find a purple Rolls-Royce? I mean, that would be the, I think he did the smartest thing. Just tell everybody. You will notice it. Well, I think maybe this is his Tinder for women that want to date a Persian guy.

Just let him know. Right. I got purple Rolls Royce money. Right. That's what I got. Right. And I also have money to rent a plane to find it. It's always funny because when I see a car that's purple, what do you think when you see a car that's purple that's prince's widow no i think that's the car that was the last one on the lot

because i don't know if you know this but they make cars in off colors just in case people want them and then they and then the ones that don't sell they sell at a discount because they want to get the fucking purple Honda Civic off their lot. But if you're going to buy a fucking Rolls Royce, you know, silver. Taupe. If I see a purple Rolls Royce and I'm looking over on the highway,

I am fully expecting to see Magic Johnson driving it. That's what I'm... Laker Pride. That's what I'm expecting to see over there here in LA Alright let's make Australia Florida Crinkle Oh I always forget that we do that one

Jeez it's so kind It's very controversial whether it's a crinkle Between Florida and Australia You do not respect Australia Alright Court orders Australian man To compensate police after fake kidnapping to meet up with his mistress. I love this story. Paul Lira, 35, left his home just before 1145 p.m. on New Year's Eve 2022, telling his partner he was going out to meet his, quote, financial guy.

A little while later, he messaged his girlfriend from his own phone, pretending to be a group of Middle Eastern kidnappers. Posing as the fictional abductors, Lira reportedly told his girlfriend that he would be held captive just until morning, prompting her to call the police to investigate. Lira contacted his father the next day, telling him he was being dropped off by, this guy committed, man, told his dad he was being dropped off by kidnappers back at his car. Upon hearing the news, cops carried out what they called a, quote, high-risk vehicle stop on Lira's van, believing he was being held hostage inside.

But they only found him inside. So what does Lira do at this point? He continued to play along with the false report, leading authorities on a wild goose chase for over 200 hours. He was busted after security footage showed him with a prostitute on the night in question. Separate footage showed him with this prostitute mistress not long after initially contacting his father about the kidnapping. What commitment? What commitment this guy had? Wait, there's a lot to unpack here. So the prostitute, was that just sort of like

a detail that's part of this guy's life or was the prostitute involved? No. So what I had to read it from another source because it was so unclear, the prostitute is the mistress. Oh. Yeah. He pays his mistress. Yeah. Then I read a report, by the way, that I left out, but I read a report that he had the mistress call pretending to be part of the Middle Eastern abductors. And did she have an Australian?

Call his girlfriend. Did she have an Australian? Call his girlfriend. Did she have an Australian accent? Well, Middle Eastern people. I'm from the Middle East, mate. Exactly. Oh, God. But what commitment. And he goes out.

But imagine the pressure. He's like, no, I told you. I promised. I'm spending New Year's Eve with you. I just got to take care of a few little details. But trust me, we're going to ring in the new year together. It's all going to be great. At 1145.

That's when he went out. Let's do some sports. Let's do it. uh no let's let's skip sports and go right down to science perfect although philly i wanted to smack you upside the head with that one you had a story about trying to get a gator in your baseball game. Maybe we'll do it next week. Go ahead. We'll do it next week.

The news is in. Young people are super, super gay. According to new data from the Office for National Statistics in the UK, in the U-gay, they should call it, 9.2% of all 16 to 24-year-olds are estimated to identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual. That's compared to 5% of 25 to 34-year-olds, 3% of those between 35 and 49, and a paltry 2% of 50 to 64-year-olds. This comes after B awareness week it shows that two-thirds of these 16 to 24 year olds identify as bisexual two-thirds of people 16 to 24 are bisexual

um the big winners here are the girls more More young women than men identify as LGB. In fact, around one in 10 young women in the UK now identify themselves as lesbian, gay, or bisexual. That number has doubled in five years. It's a young person's game. G-A-Y-M-E. There it is. I don't know. I mean, by the way, in L.A., in the west side of Los Angeles, I think it's like 45 percent. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, based on my kids, friends, 50 percent are

gay. And look, who knows what's closer to the truth? The 1950s version of America where, you know, half of one percent of people came out of the closet or the situation now where people are. There is a spectrum. There's a spectrum is shaped like a rainbow, isn't it? I'd say, yeah, I'd say 40% of young people in Los Angeles don't admit they're straight. Or, I admit it's the wrong word, don't identify as straight. And I think that number obviously will go down with time. But it's more than the 50s, of course. But here's the thing. What's the big deal?

Like, you know, in that age group from 16 to 25 or whatever, you're taking, you're doing coke, you're doing ecstasy, you're staying out all night, you're, you know, fucking driving your car too fast. And so you have gay sex a couple times. Who cares? But if I'm getting a handjob from a 25-year-old guy here in LA, I want to know he's gay, real gay.

Right. You can tell. You can tell by whether the knuckles are white or not. If the knuckles are white, he's not really gay. What, he has a fear grip going? Yeah. By the way, all the knuckles are white after a while anyway,

so I should just say if it starts out with white knuckles. Gotcha. Alright, let's get to this day in history. If we must. October 1st, 1977. Despite a downpour, 75,000 fans packed Giant Stadium in New Jersey for soccer star Pele's farewell game.

I mean, some say the greatest soccer player of all time. My son will argue with that because, you know, here's why. Because back then it was reel-to-reel projectors filming people, you know, here's why. Because back then it was reel-to-reel projectors filming people, you know, playing soccer. Now you got 8,000 angles in high def, and so it seems like this guy's so much greater. But Pele dominated the fucking game. Pele plays for the only professional teams he ever played for, the New York Cosmos, and for the first half half and Santos of Brazil for

the second half. So he played both sides. He finished with a beautiful goal off a free kick from 30 yards out. What else? I remember he did a bicycle kick and I think it missed, but, um, and listen, you put this story in there. And then before we pressed record and we were looking at the stories, uh, you had mentioned, you know, you were at the game. I was at the game. We were both at this game years before we knew each other. And, uh, I remember sitting there with my family

and I mean, mean pele was a fucking superstar you know right now i think christian ronaldo has the most uh instagram followers of anybody on the internet yeah and pele was that big in his own way at the time yeah but we were 10 years old and it was the biggest thing and. And I still have the banner, whatever it's called. I still have a memento from that day. Oh, really? It might even be in this closet. I'm going to look right now.

All right, so Pele said. Storing it up high. You keep going. This will take one second. Keep going. This will take one second. He led his team, his native Brazil, to World Cup titles in 1958, 62, and 70. Scored 12 goals in World Cup play.

More than 1,000 in first-class matches during his career. Before the game, nine teams of children presented Pele with flowers. And he presented his number 10 jersey to his father, who had also been a soccer star. The number was retired. In addition to the U.S. Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, Muhammad Ali was there. 343 reporters. 90 film crew members attended. After embracing Pele, Ali yelled, Don't forget you and I are the two greatest in the whole world. What do you got? This is so, so sad.

And completely sums me up as a sports fan who really isn't much of a sports fan anymore. I did not find the Pele. I did not find a banner. What do they call these things? It's not a banner. They're like flags. I forget what their name.

Pennants? Pennants, exactly. I didn't find a pennant from a winner. I found this pennant. These are from my childhood. Oh, wow. The New York Jets, and you can tellant. These are from my childhood. Oh, wow. The New York Jets. And you could tell it's vintage.

Look at it. It's literally from the early 70s. Yeah. And then this is perfect. Here's the other one. World champions. Wow. The New York Knicks.

That's awesome. I am holding something from 1973 or 4, right? Or it could be 1, I guess. Pathetic. I have one of those for the New York Mets. I have like a 1974 New York Mets pennant. It's in my closet right now. Yeah.

I'm in my closet. I just dug it out, and I couldn't even find a winning pennant. It's bothering me. When were the Knicks? They were two years apart in the early 70s. Anyway, go ahead. Letters to the editor. Let's do it.

Listening today and I noticed what sounded like an irregular heartbeat coming through the audio of your episode. I thought it was myself for a few seconds, but quickly realized it was coming through the episode audio. Hopefully it wasn't just some weirdo, but quickly realized it was coming through the episode audio. Hopefully it wasn't just some weirdo audio issue, but it sure sounded like the heartbeat of someone who has atrial fibrillation. I first noticed it towards the end of the podcast, I believe throughout the funny section. Probably worth checking up on. Thank you both for the wonderful podcast.

Well, was our heart racing? I mean, maybe it was because I was reading Blondie. I think it's just our passion coming through. Yes. Like my passion

for the Knicks in 1970 and 73. Those were the, 73, last time they were champions. All right, let's get to the obituary. We kind of did it.

And that's all, folks. Everybody's talking about her, Dianne Feinstein of California. You corrected me and said Steen. No, you said Steen, I said Stein. Oh. She died and she's dead. So she was a woman in the Senate, oldest member of the Senate,

longest serving female senator in history, longest serving senator from California, and almost the oldest person ever. So she's dead. In the Senate, you mean? No, I think in the world. Oh, and the weird part part she still will not retire oh we shouldn't be laughing but i find it easier to laugh somebody made it to 90 hey you win you

can people can laugh they can be happy you did your job you were committed you know what she was uh one of the things she'll most be remembered for maybe that's in i didn't read i didn't read the bio you put in there but she was a champion against assault rifles yes very much so and was fully committed to that so in my my political opinion god bless her for that and that there has not been a ban on them in going on 15 years maybe even more is is crazy all right let's get to the funnies before my nose completely drools all over my face let's do it i'm so stuffed up i don't know what the hell's going on it's the cocaine drips lockhorns baby, baby. They're sitting in the marriage.

They spent a lot of time in the marriage counseling office. And Loretta looks at Leroy and she goes, you have a fear of success? Oh, Leroy, you have nothing to worry about. Just fear itself. Oh, that's a cold bitch right there. She doesn't fuck around. I mean, he puts her through a lot, what with his gambling and his drinking and his womanizing,

but she hits him hard. Yeah, here comes a modern, a modern Lockhorns. Go ahead. So he's on a Zoom call with multiple people on it. They all seem to be nonplussed with Leroy. And then he's laughing his ass off and she goes, stop telling jokes on Zoom, Leroy. You're not remotely funny. Okay. Little punny, but I respect the work. All right. I can't wait for all our letters on the use of the word nonplussed. Oh, I know. I think it's wrong, isn't it? Well, it's hard to tell from

a still photo how the person's reacting. But I think, and the definition has kind of changed because of such consistent misuse. Yeah. But not to be too nerdy, I think nonplussed means you are so taken aback that your expression is expressionless. Your countenance is expressionless. So it's very easy to mess that one up. Okay. I think they look unamused on the Zoom. Well, they're definitely, they're nonchalant. They're definitely not chalant.

This is how they're nonplussed. He just told a fierce racist joke. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And they are absolutely nonplussed reactions right there. Right, right. Even the black person on the screen who's not black. Do they not have shading on the lockhorns?

Does Hester Reiner doesn't have a little gray or black pencil? It is not a diverse group there. Speaking of which, let's go to ancient Norway, where Hager the Horrible Lucky is out to dinner with a woman. I just thought this is very telling about the culture.

She's very pretty, and she's sitting there, and they're drinking some wine. And she says to him, she's sitting there and they're drinking some wine and she says to him sorry but you and me would never work and he looks at her and he goes not true you're a beautiful woman and i'm a guy who's crazy about beautiful women like that's it end of conversation you don't have any say in this right i'm attracted to you we have a relationship she looks very contemporary maybe that's why she doesn't get it she does look contemporary yeah

she looks like she just took a time machine back to rapeville and doesn't get the terms of the time or what's about to happen to her you know what she looks nonplussed she looks a little nonplussed because she just got the gist. Yeah.

Yeah, you set the dial back too far in the past. All right, here's the far side. It is a beautiful outdoor picture. We're looking at a pasture, and there's a bunch of sheep, but they look a little funny. In the background, you see two of the sheep have taken off their faces and they're wearing costumes and another one's about to take it off and they're wolves. And one wolf says to the other, wait a minute, isn't anyone here a real sheep? So they're all. So they're wolves in sheep clothing.

They're all, all of them. That's the problem, Greg. All of them. Right. Right. You need kind of like Lucky. You need a victim. I think it's a little bit like a lot of middle aged men in a teenage chat room and they end up just talking to each other. Sausage party. I'm just saying it must happen. I'm not aware of it. I would just imagine it happens sometimes. And then they don't give you your money back. What am I doing here? Why would I do this if I had known? Right. You're at a 7-Eleven.

It's 2 in the morning. Nobody shows up. Yeah. Middle Eastern. Middle Eastern. Then all of a sudden you have to resort to Middle Eastern guys kidnapping you. And then Meatball shows up. She fucking hooker rolls you.

What is it called? I know. I am not correcting that. Hooker roll. I love that. So fucking Dagwood's laying in bed. Blondie has her back to him. She's done.

Finally. laying in bed blondie has her back to him she's done she finally i mean she just faces away and she cries that pillowcase is so stained with tears right now and he's got a cookie donut pajamas as usual and he sits up and he goes i just had a dream that i was being cuddled by a fuzzy a huge teddy bear and he goes why do you think we dream such silly things and then she says who knows and now the blue dog is on top of dagwood who's smiling what the fuck are you smiling at you've got a golden locked 10 with huge titties laying three inches from you and you're smiling because the dog is on top forget dreaming how about the reality well he he feels a hairy thing on him and he was just dreaming about a fuzzy bear which is a giant hairy gay guy right cuddling with him right and he's got one of those donuts is right on his

on the seat of his pajamas. Yeah, that donut is filled right now. It's cream filled with dog jizz. Oh, boy, what a picture you paint. What a way to go out. Take that, everybody. We're going to thank Midcoast Media. Oh, Chris Denman couldn't be here this week because we taped so late in the day, but we missed him as always. We miss everybody at Midcoast Media. Oh, Chris Denman couldn't be here this week because we taped so late in the day,

but we missed him as always. We miss everybody at Midcoast Media. We want to remind you guys to support the sponsors. That's what keeps the show going. Check out Game Time today. Download the app. Use Papers and get $20 off. Also, mintmobile.com slash papers.

That's the way you do it. $15 a month. What are you waiting for? What are you doing? Anything you want to promote, Mike? Yes, I want to promote my question, which is how can I get this blood out of my eye in less than two weeks? All right, let Mike know. Go to bloodeye at gmail.com. Do not go weeks. All right. Let Mike know. Go to bloodeye at gmail.com.

Do not go there. All right. And I want to promote the Spotless Mind. Yes. I mean, it's so well done. She has different hair colors, and I realize she has to, so you can keep track of which flashback or flash forward.

You're saying it was an ingenious, but it was just such a part of her identity. She would change her hair color based on how she was feeling. What was the mini series where there was three different ages? The character was at, but you could never tell two of the ages. The actress looked almost exactly the same. I don't know.

All right, I'll think of it and I'll say it next week. All right, well, thanks for listening, everybody. God bless you all. God bless and take it, heesh. Take it, heesh. Take it, heesh. If you want the analog news Then give yourself together

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