Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 186 10/15/23

Episode Date: October 15, 2023

 Playboy fires a model for celebrating Hamas, a Mormon leader turns out to be a freak, some books are gay and Jada and Will are living a lie. Want to find out how to live to 100? Listen in!

I need someone to give me the news. I got too many choices. Now I can't choose. Give me Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers. Give me the news. Check, check. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Five, four. Oh, three, two, one. Read all about it. Read all about it. I'm in the capital of California, Sacramento, baby. I'm in Santa Monica. You're in Sacramento. Listen to these names.

Sacramento, Native American name? Or is it Spanish? I don't know, but I will tell you that the population is becoming more and more Spanish every year. I just read about it on Wikipedia. Whenever I come to a new city, I go to Wikipedia, I read about it, and they say it's the sixth most hipster city in America. Wow. Did you know that? No, I didn't.

I did a little research. When you had me go up and were nice enough to give me five minutes or 10 minutes to do stand up when we did a podcast up there. I did a little research and found out that they're also historically well known for having very large Japanese internment camp right there. That's right. That didn't play so hot in the crowd. They had like over 100,000 Japanese people, many of them American-born citizens. So it was already, back then it was probably the hippest with all those Japanese people there.

I mean, that's pretty hot. Right, and they were, and you know, they like to live really simple, nothing luxurious like the hipsters. No, anime, you know, everything. No, come on, they're very hip. Nothing luxurious like the hipsters. No. Anime. You know, everything. I don't know. Come on.

They're very hip. Yeah. So I got some shows here for the week. By the time you hear this, I will have done the shows. But it should be fun. I'm getting ready. And I have an announcement to make. As everybody knows, well, not everybody, but some people know I recorded a special in March and we've been trying to edit it, but there was some major technical issues. Two of the cameras were unusable and the lighting was not great.

And we've decided to scrap that special and reshoot it, which I'll be doing. Why do I say we? What am I? One of those guys that says we i don't know i think i think you're listening to a few things in your head yeah so we're going to be at the mothership joe rogan's club november 18th if you want to come out there'll be two shows i'll be taping my new special and uh and it'll come out sometime in January. So what's the date again? November 18th. I'll be there the 17th, 18th, and 19th.

But the 18th will be the tape night. Fantastic. Yeah, why not? Yeah, man, I'll see if I can get down there. Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love to see Adam again and all the usual suspects down there. You could help produce it. I could use another producer.

That's great, man. Yeah. Tomorrow morning, the whole family gets on a Spirit Airlines flight to Michigan. And we're going to the big house. And we're seeing all of us got, and Sophie, my oldest, got tickets for her sister and her two cousins in the student section. And my dad and Laura and George. Anyway, we're all going.

So the weekend where Hamas has said, hey, the whole world, the whole world, watch out. We're planning stuff. I'm going to the largest, the most populated building in America. Whoa. Yeah. Well, not including the Sacramento punchline this weekend. No, that will be probably 111,000, but the big house is 110,000. Wow.

That's insane. Who are they playing? Is it a big game? No. In fact, that's why we kind of picked this weekend. It's I think it's Indiana we kind of picked this weekend. I think it's Indiana. Yeah.

So, yeah. Anyway. How's Sophie like at school? Is she loving it? She's loving it. Yeah, she's loving it. The summer just ended very abruptly, like from one day to the next there. But at least they had it all through September.

Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. What an adventure going to a school that's that big. Also, I'm getting on a plane tomorrow, and isn't tomorrow the day that they're saying we're going to fuck shit up? I don't know. Oh, really?

Yeah. You know what the news has become, by the way, what we're learning with this story? The news is becoming all sensible people, think are like hey did you hear cuz even if it's on CNN or on another like usually reputable even Fox News like if it's like did you see the footage like I mean I think it's real in other words everyone now is realizing it is so hard to tell what's real and what's right right i know did you watch any of the footage of the attack i did not

no i watched a little bit of it but it was it was it's pretty it's pretty bad i mean i saw one video with these two i mean it's i mean it's pretty bad like obviously it's really bad but i mean to watch it the footage is so real and it's so immediate that it's shocking i mean these two girls are like getting chased down by hamas and they're getting and they're being used as human shields by hamas as the israelis are shooting at them it's. And they're like hiding in the trunk of their car while being shot at. It's amazing. I would put what you describe as not even in the top 30% of evil that happened there. Right. Yeah. Sadly. And, uh, I saw some, I guess, Sarah's feed. Sarah has been very vocal about Silverman has been very vocal about this. so she posts a bunch of videos so i saw them

that way i saw the concert festival but i have not i've resisted the morbid curiosity like when you read a headline about anything that's really jarring even if it's like a shark attack or like you just have a natural tendency like well i'll I'll see that. And no interest, man. No interest at all. No, my filter for news is so tight these days. I see anything about Trump, pass, anything about, I mean, very little in politics unless it's really fundamental, like the government shutting down. I just don't need to know what I already know about all these candidates, about all these politicians. I get it. It's fucking crazy. And I know that the news is spinning everything. But I just like to read about like fun stories about blonde sports.

We got a good sports coming up. We got a debate brewing between two players in the NFL about. Yeah, this is we're all going to cover this this this podcast. Yeah. Well, let's deep tease this. Let's deep tease this. Well, the first story is going to be an interesting take on the Middle East and what someone got fired here in America. And then. Dirty Mormon Guy. Yeah, those Mormons. There's your headline, Books Are Gay. Can't wait to get to that. You've always felt books were gay, didn't you?

I was an English major, so if that's true, I'm a raving homosexual. I guess I was the one who thought books were gay. Yeah. What else do we got here? Oh, some good far sides related to the peanuts that we did last week. Yeah. Oh, Jada Pinkett Smith. Yep. Totally makes everything she says make sense.

Everything she says makes sense. It was all just sitting there. And I got, well, we'll get to it. We'll get to it. And the secret, we're going to give you the secret to living to 100. If in some twisted fantasy, that's what you want to do. Who wants to do that? What's your number?

What's your number? Me? Yeah. When do you want to do who wants to do that what's your number what's your number me yeah when do you want to cash out uh well i think biologically uh evolution is put on my family early 70s right and then um my mom her mom died before 60 with early onset alzheimer's which i clearly am exhibiting no no, no, it was brutal. They didn't even have, they didn't call it all. It's only a couple of doctors called it Alzheimer's. And your aunt, your father's sister had Alzheimer's as well. No, she had schizophrenia. Oh.

She thought the government put a chip in her head that I listened to every time she went about 14th Street. Really? I don't mean to laugh. No, they didn't. She listened to podcasts back in the 1980 to her and the dentist did not put a chip in her head i didn't know it was podcast back in the 1980s yeah maybe yeah she i think she was listening to you that's what the chip was in there for uh that was one of the voices so she

also used we like you do um No. So my grandfather. And so my dad, I think, would have, you know, he had triple bypass at 59. I thought he was old as fuck. It turns out he was 59. Yeah. So but he with medical science, you know, being a good patient who goes to the doctor, he's now in his early 80s. I'm going to have to. I'm doing that. That's, I've identified my most, I think the three things that are most likely to kill me.

Heart, probably skin, cancer, and my voice, my gut, my reflex. Esophageal cancer? Yeah. So I have my guard up against those three. And as I'm looking at those three, I bet a bus hits me from behind. So you're over under his 80. Oh, you want to? Oh, okay. Well, what do you want to live to?

Not what do you think you will. What do you want to live to? I'd have to put it a little higher. Yeah. I'd like to be old enough to see my grandkids as teenagers, which would mean another five years till I have a grandkid, if not 10. So that's 10 years plus 17 is 27 more years. That's 84. Yeah.

I cash out around 84, 85. Yeah, I think and hopefully quality of life won't be too crazy all right listen to lighten things up before we get going i wanted to say we i totally spaced on what i wanted to talk about last week would stop making sense don't worry don't fast forward i'm not going to talk about the movie so we we get in the theater and we all get fucked up to at least two people are on mushrooms. And I won't say who I was not you or not. And and then there was a lot. And I'll just speak for myself.

And I got very stoned and I'm not bright when I'm stoned at all. Right. So I'm sitting there and then all of a sudden there's a lot of trailers. And then all of a sudden the movie starts and, uh, he walks out the famous walkout, the pan down to his shoes and he comes down and he puts it down and he goes, I think the first words have stopped making sense or hi, I want to play a tape for you.

And, uh, all of a sudden Spanish pops up on the scene. Oh yeah. So I want to play a tape for you. Right. Yeah. And I'm like,

Whoa. And so the first song, the psycho Yeah. And I'm like, whoa. And so the first song, the psycho killer. And I'm like, oh, this is interesting. Now, David Byrne is one of the most international in terms of his influences. He's like Peter Gabriel and Paul Simon. He just latched onto the international scene and African drumming, uh, Island drumming, all that. So I'm like, I'm searching. I'm like, I'm searching. I'm like, is this part of that? Or is this a response to, I am there trying to figure it out forever. And then Psycho Killer gets to the French part.

Where in the song, he sings in French. And the subtitles turn to French. Do you remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're all sitting there, none of us in our right, trying to figure this out. Okay, it turns out. And it was not small text.

It was taking up like the bottom quarter of the screen. That's why I thought it was part of the movie. I'm like, that's like art. Because I know later words come up on the screens. And I'm sitting there, I'm like, and now, first of all, now it makes no sense. And I'm like, and I'm so self-conscious about how dumb I am. I'm like, I'm, I'm embarrassed to ask even my best friends here in this row with me, what the fuck is going on? And it turns out I,

Los Angeles theaters, some of them, you can, every movie that plays, they will subtitle in Spanish, You can, every movie that plays, they will subtitle in Spanish whatever movie is playing. Yeah. Okay. So once I come to terms with that and we're all exchanging glances, I'm like, oh my, well, this is crazy because any Spanish speaking person has never heard this in Spanish. This is all songs. There's no dialogue. Right, right.

Yeah. And they're translating these songs. And it was surreal. And the best part, of course, where I almost peed my pants was the song Swamp, which everybody knows from Talking Hedge, which goes,

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. And the screen is going, Hola, hola, hola, hola, hola, hola. And I almost had to leave the theater. I totally forgot about that. Yeah. Yeah, that was weird. That was really weird.

But yeah, you totally went with like, all right, David Byrne's making a strong choice. I'll buy this. Yeah. And eventually somehow it became invisible. But that that was the wrong thing to be stoned at. Yeah, that's surreal. So we're going to Nashville. You and I are going to Nashville. We sure are, pal. On Tuesday. Well, I'm going on Tuesday. Well, I'm going on Tuesday. And then we're going to see a couple concerts, seeing Jason Isbell and the great Wheeler Walker Jr. You got it.

By the way, any listeners in that area, tickets still available for Wheeler Man. It's really funny. He has a great new album that's more, he set out to make it a little more rock, a little more ZZ Top. That was his influence on this where is he is he playing at the ryman he's at the ryman oh wait is jason isbell at the ryman also you're

going to the ryman twice oh i love it i love it not only first of all we have to get there early one night so you can walk around they have little uh you know sort of displays that like neil young recorded you know that this year emmy lou harris kind of saved the theater from it was going to be demolished and and you just want to walk around and see all the posters it's it's so legendary but you know one of the great things about it is its manageable size i mean i think it has to be it's smaller than the wiltern you know like it's it's it's smaller than the Wiltern, you know, like it's, it's, it's very manageable. You know, it was a church, you sit in pews. Yeah, right. And we want to put it out. We want to play golf on Wednesday. If there's anybody there that can host us to play a round of golf.

Listen, we're heading to a public or a muni course, but if anyone wanted to host us, we'll buy you lemonades. We'll make it worth the while. We need a couple sets of golf clubs, and we need a course to play on. So hit us up at fitzdogradio at gmail.com, and we'll get back to you. Love to meet some new people in Nashville. If any listeners have a friend in Nashville who would like to laugh their ass off all Wednesday, we'll bring it. We'll add it all up and we will bring it. By the way, you are constantly harping on Philadelphia people, specifically the sports fans.

And I was just in Boston last weekend and I went to the Patriots game. And let me tell you something Philly people look like a crowd at a chess match compared to the Boston fans they are insane they come out first of all they lost the game 34 nothing and uh it was brutal and I mean in the halfway through the first quarter they were already down like 17-0 or something. And the announcer goes, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome onto the field the New England Patriots cheerleaders.

Boo! The whole crowd booing the fucking cheerleaders. I like them. The toughest part was there's one guy on the cheerleading squad. There's an overweight woman and a guy. Yeah. And this guy is the gayest human being I've ever met in my life. I don't mean him, but flipping the little tassels and doing leg kicks where his knee is touching his nose.

This guy, his feet didn't leave the ground. Yeah. It's funny you bring this up. Dickie, I guess, listened to our podcast from last week today, and he goes, oh, New England were the angriest fans. I guess I called them the angriest fans last week. And he told them about a Jets game where, like, two women were screaming cunt at each other.

Anyway, I'm like, yeah, but the difference is you guys, Boston Red Sox and the Pats, when they're winning, when they're dominating, when it's like a dynasty, they are still fucking angry. Right. Jets. It makes sense why Jets fans are angry. Yeah. Yeah.

And we'll never know if Jets fans remain angry when they win. We'll just never know that. Yeah, I've been to a lot of stadiums, and I got to say, like, New England is probably the highest percentage of people wearing Patriots jerseys to the game. And part of it is because it was warm enough out that nobody had on jackets. But every single person, and three-quarters of them are Brady's jer warm enough out that nobody had on jackets. But every single person. And three-quarters of them are Brady's jerseys. He's gone, everybody.

He's gone. Edelman's gone. Gronkowski's gone. Those were the three most prominent jerseys. And they got this new quarterback who's awesome. So they sell Sam Adams at the game? Yes, they do. Sam Adams at the game that yes they do sam adams at the game all right shout out to bruce wise who's a friend of the show

and he made us a great logo this week it's uh the some girls album cover with our faces on it i gotta say the stones have a lot of great albums, but some are kidding me. You're kidding. You don't think they do with the Rolling Stones? Yeah. Yeah. No, they're. Oh, yeah.

Are you talking about the artwork? No, I just mean the albums themselves. And like some they have both. Some girls is I don't know. Maybe it's because it was around when I was a teenager. It might be my favorite Stones album well they did three around 1971 right so like maybe 69

70 71 or anyway and it was Sticky Fingers Exile on Main Street yeah that's the one that but it was Let It Bleed and oh Jesus Brain Fart anyway those are my favorites it's it's incredible yeah sticky fingers let it bleed i mean they're very much a country influence

those have always been my favorite and you you used to play uh tumblin dice uh yeah there was a theme song for the show right your theme song theme song. Can You Hear Me Knockin'. Oh, God. What a great opening lick. Yeah, so anyway, are you kidding me? They're just extraordinary. Now, hey, did you hear the New Stone song? Yes.

Well, there's a couple, but the new one I think dropped this week, which is Sounds of Sweet Heaven, Sweet Sounds of Heaven or something? No, I haven't seen that one yet oh no that's that's a big that's a big one and like it gets to the end it gets and like to five minute mark and you hear mick jagger go uh play something stevie so at that point what we've learned is live live in studio is stevie wonder and with her back against his organ is lady gaga and it the song gets crazy really yeah because the first one that came out angry has what's her name on it uh yeah who's the always talks about her boobs she like her boobs shot last the one from euphoria

well she also said uh her grandmother said to her that she had the best tits in Hollywood. So now she's flexing? Yes. Yeah. Why not? Why not? Why are we forgetting her name? She'd probably gotten from her grandma.

Let's see, though. Let's see the grandmas. Actually, our friends, Josh and Rachel, have a deal right now, a miniseries starring her. She's attached. With her grandmother? With her grandmother. Speaking of music, David Chamberlain from Record LA wrote and performed this week's song. It was tight.

I mean, it's one of those songs you just go like, this could be it. This could be the one we use every week. It sounds like a sitcom jingle. Yep. A lot of corrections last week. This one comes from Rick Schwartz. He calls himself Rick McJewy Schwartz. Okay.

Less than two minutes after being berated by a listener for using me and so-and-so as the subject of a sentence, you said me and David Sp spade ran into arty lang but then in the hag of the horrible comic the pretty maiden tells lucky you and me will never work out in print with editors and everything so it seems to be a lost cause what are we reverting back to viking english as the as the template for what's right you and I will go rape that girl over there. And then he also said nonplussed. I did not use correctly. It's from Latin, which directly translates to French.

Just think nonplussed meaning no more in French. I thought it meant unimpressed. No. We've gone over this. I'll say it one more day. This is one of the only things that's stuck in my mind for some reason, but there's no reason to ever use this goddamn phrase. Nonplus is very confused and maybe it's so confused. It's now the accepted meaning is the opposite of what it was, believe it or not. But I think the origin of it was you are so moved, I guess you were so affected by what's said that you have an expressionless countenance. I just want to throw that word in there. Yeah. And so what happened is it's actually

that you're so shocked you have no reaction. And but so nonplus could easily be seen as having no reaction at all. Sounds like my resting face. People sometimes just stop and go, are you OK? Are you listening? I've had people I was doing a Zoom interview with Doug Stanhope and he goes, I think your video froze. And it's like, no, I'm just nonplussed. Or you could say, well, I'm not nonplussed, if that's what you're insinuating. What about irregardless? Do you need an ear?

I've never said it in my life. You've said regardless. I don't know why. There's a lot of stuff like that. Yeah. Also, commentators it's is it he commentated on it or something what about commented brian says um sunday paper segment on target closing their stores due to crime i live in

portland pretty close to two of the three targets that are closing down. Both used to be bowling alleys and were converted into some kind of a mini Target store. Not the huge mega stores Target usually has. One of them closed down long before the pandemic and crime spike, but more likely due to location.

I went into the other one once and found it very lacking in selection. There is a big Target a few miles away that is staying open, and the crime wouldn't be any different there. In fact, potentially could be worse. While it's true Portland has a crime problem, I and many others have our doubts that these stores are closing due to out-of-hand crime. It's more likely that the stores are underperforming because of the location and size,

and the company is using the crime excuse so they don't have to admit their poor planning and scare off investors. Take it, Eash. Blaming it on the dirt bags, the old corporate playbook. Well, it's kind of like, I saw a video today of like RIP San Francisco

and it showed all the stores that closed in San Francisco, Saks Fifth Avenue and Nordstrom's and The Gap and Old Navy, like in their downtown, like the Union Square area, all those stores are shuttered. They're all gone. I saw a post this week from a guy. It was random. It was like when I was, you know, scrolling forever,

uh, uselessly and a guy, I think he's in real estate, but he was in Penn station at like nine, like 8am or whatever. It should have been rush hour and it was desolate. And I, and he, and he acknowledged that, you know, Penn state, another building was built, but that also didn't have many people next door. And he, anyway, according to him, he's like, I am telling you, they haven't let it out yet because they don't want to be alarmist. But the business real estate, the commercial real estate market is tanking. Yeah. And it's, you know, especially like in New York, like no one, they've found companies have like moved out. Obviously people are still working from home when they can and all that.

But anyway, his prediction is it is a dire forecast for commercial real estate. And, you know, maybe he would say he's talking about in major cities, which have all this crime and are too expensive to live. They're too expensive. And office space, my office, which I have in Santa Monica, which has been rent controlled because it's in a city building,

they're now, you ready for this? They are tearing it down in one year to put in pickleball courts. No, no. Yep, yep. Meanwhile, it's an office building filled with like struggling independent filmmakers writers a dressmaker architects this is like the backbone of the economy in a town and they're fucking tearing it down so some yuppies can play a stupid fucking game of pickleball. Says the guy on an illegal sublet.

Shh. Tony Perron says three wings on Baron's plane in World War I. We were talking about whether or not the Red Baron was in World War I or World War II. I knew it was one. I just don't correct you. I wait for these corrections it's weird because world war one there was one there was three wings and then in world war two there was two wings and then one wing and now 70 years later the hamas bombers are coming in on hang gliders too soon oh man i wish the red baron were flying over Gaza at that time. I know.

He would have taken those fuckers out. Actually, you can't even say I'm not taking sides now. That's the worst thing to say. And Meister said the NFL doesn't play in London every week, as I said. There will be five games in Europe this year, three in London, and two in Frankfurt. Wow. And they absolutely do not play on Saturdays.

There's a rule that bars the NFL from playing because of college football. And then Willie says, we were talking about snakes. It was a story from Australia. Yeah. He says, the idea that baby snakes can't control their venom is a common myth. Baby snakes can control their venom, and while their venom can be more potent an adult snake has a lot more only about five people die from snake bites in the u.s each year uh mike said timber rattlesnakes don't make noise they do deaths from cottonmouths and copperheads are very rare. And the majority of snake species in the U.S. are non-venomous.

I really thought the timber rattlesnakes were unable to make a sound. He said they don't always make a sound. They sometimes do, sometimes they don't. Maybe those ones are more reticent because they know that you guys were uh you know precious little snowflakes yeah we were just little stoned idiots who wouldn't hurt a fly uh and then there was a follow-up to the story about the young woman in louisiana who was stripped of her she was the president of the student council, and she was lined up with all these college scholarships.

And the principal, this piece of shit, Jason St. Pierre, suspended Kaylee Tremont from the student government, revoked her college scholarship endorsements. And he since resigned or took a leave of absence and apologized but it's too late because now all the college acceptance things have been sent out and she's lost out so they set up a go fund me which i tried to find because i wanted to post it on our website but if you look up kaylee timonay i'll get money you might be able to give some money to her to make up for these college scholarships him he's out of a job now oh sorry i misunderstood

the whole thing and it's expensive down there in louisiana it's a it's upwards of three hundred dollars for a four-bedroom apartment now in in parish seven um so tour dates coming up. I will be in Arlington, Virginia at the Draft House next weekend, October 20 and 21. Baltimore, Magoobies, October 22. And then in November, I will be in Houston, Bakersfield, Austin, San Francisco, Fort Worth, and Atlanta. Tickets at FitzDawg.com. We ready? We got some paper?

Oh, you know what time it is. Time to talk about game time. Oh yeah. Love game time. Let's do it. If everyone's had a frustrating experience buying tickets, we've talked about it before. I've used them. Oh, I also used them this past week. I went to see a play in downtown L.A. Oh, you did? You didn't tell me that. I went to the Amundsen, which is not that big, typical Broadway theater size, and saw Hadestown.

Oh, nice. And it was good. It was definitely good. People had raved about it. But anyway, this isn't about Hadestown. I got my tickets. I watched them go down to below because there was still a couple in the box office and I watched them sink below and got them on game time. And it was great. And we wanted to look at what's in Nashville when we're there next week. And we got, oh, your favorite Jeff Dunham is there. Hey, Jeff Dunham, the racist puppet guy. Wicked, RuPaul's Drag Race. Wait a minute. Hold on a second.

Hold on a second. I thought Tennessee had an anti-drag policy. Don't they? I know. We're going to have to keep a close eye on that. He's there October 15th. And not only that, he's at the Grand Ole Opry. Oh, boy.

Yep. So we're going to have to keep an eye on that. And here's Jason Isbell. So we're going to keep an eye on that as well. How much are those tickets going for? Well, that's Ryman tonight because, you know, he's there like 10 days. That's $115. But it's dropping.

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Quote, Mia has made disgusting and reprehensible comments celebrating Hamas's attacks on Israel and the murder of innocent men, women and children. and the murder of innocent men, women, and children. Then, Canadian-based magic mushroom distributors Red Light Holland also announced they'd fire Khalifa due to her disgusting tweets celebrating rape, kidnapping, abuse, and murder by the Hamas terrorists in Israel. Quote, consider yourself fired effective immediately, the company's CEO, Todd Shapiro, tweeted, of her beyond disgusting messages.

And then he said, however, the attacks were really colorful and cool looking. I did find back when Playboy hired her, Playboy released this, and this was their statement me is fearless, direct thought provoking and fun loving approach to life and her career maker, an important addition to our centerfold community. Freedom of expression is the cornerstone of our playboy legacy. And our centerfold is centerfold is all about empowering creators like Mia to express themselves in a safe, accepting environment. Nice. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. I mean, look, if we can't count on the balanced political acumen of the runaways who show their vaginas for $600, then this company has really lost its footing. Speaking of which, they have some really hot foot shots of Mia on the premiere page. So she was a very uh porn star before this yeah before before playboy and i checked and porn hub uh has not fired her or removed her videos and that might

be because most of the time she's physically unable to talk from the clips I saw. And when she does, it's actually she's talking to God a lot. A lot of, oh, my God. Yeah. So I think her videos there are fine. Although I hear she really feels like she put her foot in her mouth. And in some of those videos, she actually does. This is Tim Ballard. Oh, wait.

I did want to say, wait want to say wait before we leave the hamas thing there was a story today uh that godot godot whatever wonder woman's name is and whenever you see her you're like oh what messed up are you going to make now remember her imagine video i think that might have been her idea i don't even remember the cause. Who are you talking about? The actress who played Wonder Woman. So she, Seinfeld, and some other entertainment person and a bunch of others, they wrote a letter to Hamas about freeing the hostages.

Seinfeld? Yeah. And Dickie was funny. He's like, you have to imagine when Hamas gets the letter, like, oh, wait, guys, guys, we, we got to let them go. A couple of actors in Hollywood don't think it's cool that we have these hostages. That's so funny. Cause like like seinfeld is the guy who is the least political comedian in the history of stand-up comedy i know i know but also like it's i hate it so much when all of a sudden actors are like i i just i just have to make a political

statement here. Kind of like what we're getting to in sports when people are just in so over their head. Yeah. And they think they have a following and they owe it to their followers or something. Yeah. Like I understand messages of support. I get that. And I get the criticism for people that aren't doing that, especially like with big followings and all that. But a letter to – like are they going to write other letters?

Are they going to write letters to like the oil companies that are completely exploiting Africa and the Middle East and all that and be like, hey, guys, we got one of the Seinfeld letters. Right. Seinfeld said we should stop human trafficking. And, yeah, so speaking of followers, Horny Mormon is the next story. Tim Ballard, the self-styled rescuer of sex-trafficked children, an inspiration for the Christian thriller Sound of Freedom,

has been hit with a lawsuit alleging that he sexually assaulted five women. In a lawsuit, the women alleged that Ballard would manipulate them and coerce them into sexual acts as part of his trafficking rescue missions via a nonprofit he founded. Ballard would insist that he and his female counterpart had, quote, physical chemistry to better sell the ruse, flying them across the country to practice their sexual chemistry through tantric yoga couples massages with escorts and lap dancing according to the suit hey i don't even have religion and i don't do this fun shit the lawsuit also alleges that ballard enjoy engaged in a ploy where he would tell the women that if they were offered alcohol, which is forbidden by the church, they should take the drink and then open mouth, kiss him and spit the alcohol in his mouth. And then he would spit it out when the traffickers weren't looking.

He encouraged the women to share the same bed and shower with him on his missions and eventually began coercing the sex acts from them. So this guy is really putting the more men into Mormon. Thank you very much. I wrote that. That's fantastic. I think he's also having them take roofies just to build up tolerance because he's preparing them and everything has to look right. Yeah. I mean, I just think about the energy that it would take to play all these games with these married women, to travel with them and, you know, instruct them. And, you know, this isn't taking into account that he's got seven wives back in Utah and he's doing it all without caffeine. I can barely keep my wife satiated sexually. And she's all I'm thinking about.

Yeah. And the magic underwear oh that's right that's a workaround that's a word i wonder if he showers again what was the magic underwear i don't know i think it's like you know like the fireman underwear type i really don't know what i'm talking about here but my i think they there's some spiritual component we're going to get corrections why don't we just wait till someone corrects us where there's some spiritual component. We're going to get corrections. Why don't we just wait until someone corrects us? There's some spiritual component to their underwear, but it's covering their privates. And I think that's the key to it.

Well, I had a sponsor on the podcast. I don't know if it was this one or Fitz Dog Radio. But there were these special underwear and they were kind of latex-y. And they had a pouch where your penis goes, like a little pocket. And you would put, did we get those? No, but a lot of them do. No, no, no. This one you insert your penis inside a pouch inside the underwear.

Oh, okay. And it was supposed to, I think it was like for sports or something. Isn't that pouch, isn't the pouch where you're supposed to keep the pocket pussy? You didn't get the full, did yours not come with one? No, there was no batteries in my underwear. But this thing used to just give me erections. I couldn't even wear them because it felt like you had a hand on it. I couldn't even wear them because it felt like you had a hand on it.

I bet it would be perfect now because it would be just enough, but just shy of an erection probably. Okay, they're called temple garments. A temple garment, also referred to as the garment of the holy priesthood or Mormon underwear, is a type of underwear worn by adherents of the Latter-day Saint movement after they have taken part in the endowment ceremony. Garments are required for any individual who previously participated in the endowment ceremony to enter a temple. They're viewed as a symbolic reminder of the covenants made in temple ceremonies and are seen as a symbolic or literal source of protection from the

evils of the world. Wow. And they haveils of the world. Wow. And they have both of them here. You can see they're long. They're almost like Bermuda-type shorts. Wow, for men and women. Yeah, they're down to the knee, and then they're shirts also. Jesus.

The one for the women looks kind of sexy. Will you email that one to me? Yeah, it is pretty sexy. Wearing the garment is also an outward expression of inward commitment to follow Jesus Christ. The nature of the protection believed to be afforded by temple garments is ambiguous and varies between adherents. Anyway, that's it. All right. You want to read Books Are Gay? It's your story, but I'll read it.

Books Are Gay. The Huntsville-Madison County Public Library in Alabama marked a book as potentially sexually explicit because the author's last name is Gay. That's it. It's over. It's over. It appeared on a list of 233 books to be reviewed and potentially removed read me a story stella by marie louise gay gay two kids who read books and build a dog house the school library journal says the book is appropriate for kindergarten

through third grade. There is nothing sexually explicit about it. Connie Nichols Phillips has cost the library an estimated $72,000 with her hundreds of book ban requests. Challenges to books in schools and public libraries have increased over the last several years as part of the larger groomer moral panic, which the idea that kids see lgbtq plus content and can turn them gay or trans according to penn america the number of books banned in schools increased by 33 percent in this last school year do you i mean exposure to gay content makes you gay? I mean, that's insane. Like, do you think that that's real in any way? No.

What do you mean? Like, it can make you gay? Do you think it makes you gay? No. No, what are you talking about? I mean, it's insane. It made me straighter. Yeah, right, right. It's like scared me straighter. Yeah, right, right.

It's like scared straight from prison. Right, right, right. Although they don't mention that the doghouse they built is, it's pink and it had a little beauty salon and the two boys were giving each other handjobs. But like, you know, that's not gay. That's just a couple guys in the yard finding themselves. Yeah.

Well, it's her fault marie louise gay yeah other other authors they're taking out of the library is uh charles dickens oh filthy hands christian anderson any others wl cox that's a real author Bridget Fox. I looked up some authors with these dirty names. Is that really a name? Bridget Fox is a name. F.U.X. Absolutely. F word. Scott Fitzgerald. Usually called just F. J.O. Rowling. I think I have her name right, but it's a jerk off rolling. H.L. Blumpkin. Andape or Christy. Oh, come on. Agape? That's not her name.

She's throwing mysteries. It's always a mystery. Why is this man looking at my cock? It's a mystery. Well, when I was in San Francisco, I was a feature act. I was just coming up. And I went out to San Francisco and Dana Gould was the headliner and we hung out all week and we became, we became instant friends. And at the end of the weekend, he gave me this novel and it was called, uh, Hollywood, a homo.

And it was like a gay novel. And I fucking laughed for like 20. I just found it on my bookshelf the other day. And there's all these novels that are very explicit gay novels. Okay. Why did he give it to you? Just because we were going to radio. We went to a radio interview one morning. And on the way back to the hotel, we parked in front of the hotel. And're about to get out of the taxi and i and we've been talking to the driver and it's like 10 o'clock in the morning we're just back from radio and i go so you want to uh you want to come up and party with us you want to come hang and And the guy was, he was Muslim, and he was fucking horrified.

And he screamed at us to get out of the taxi. So Danny gave me Hollywood homo. That takes a lot of, you know, that's not like a little joke book you can order. Like he went into City Lights or something like that and had to look, had to look, had to search somehow. Maybe a, what was it? Was it a Boolean search? I forget what kind of search it used to be. The Dewey Decimal System?

It was in a plastic envelope that you could see through, but I don't know why, but it was in a plastic envelope. I think because it's the kind of store where there's a lot of jizz flying around and you got to keep things fresh. Dewey Decimal. No, that would be a library. But anyway, in the bookstore, he had to find that section.

I bet it's a big one. This one is disturbing footage shows a hulking man wandering naked through a JCPenney with parents chasing him down and attacking him while accusing him of trying to touch kids. The two men chased him through it's a washington state mall um the woman called the cops and said he's like fully naked he's like holding the kid he has two kids with him the person recorded the video then asked the cops are uh as a bunch of men chased the naked man. The nudist grabbed a pair of pants and seemed to attempt to put them on

before giving up and swinging at the men. Pants in hand, the naked man gets into a physical altercation and at one point slammed another man against the wall. Young children can be heard screaming in the background as the men frantically swing at one another. This is the main reason I shop online. Children can be heard screaming in the background as the men frantically swing at one another. This is the main reason I shop online. This is describing J.C. The only thing different about a normal J.C.

Penny experience is just the nudity. Yeah. But men swinging, children screaming. That's a daily base on the daily. Right. I mean, I don't know. Kids are screaming at this. They're in a suburban mall. It's the most boring place in America. This kind of excitement might actually save malls from shuddering. It's like a naked Pokemon Go. You should release naked men in malls around America to keep people going. So he's the only guy in the store not stealing.

Only one. Well, he was trying to steal those pants. Idea. Yeah. Also, he's like, the sign said 90% off, so I just wore shoes. What do you want me to do? I follow direction. No, that makes sense. If you're going to go shopping for clothes and you don't have a bag to bring

them home you show up naked it might take four or five stores to be fully dressed but you you know you got the afternoon all right this one is about this one a man is being treated after jumping into the reflecting pool at the world trade center memorial in lower manhattan the man jumped into the north reflecting pool at the World Trade Center Memorial in Lower Manhattan. The man jumped into the north reflecting pool and was taken out. It's about 30 feet down to the bottom. The man, 33, injured his leg. We have learned he told one of the officers he, quote, did this for his father.

It is unclear if that meant he lost anyone on 9-11. Well, I'll tell you what. The firefighters saw the nude man in the freezing water, and let's just say they did not rush in. I don't think so. Meanwhile, his dad's probably like, no thanks. No thank you. Right.

Maybe his father was Osama bin Laden. Well, authorities, when they got him out, they gave him some sheets and a jumper cable to warm him up in his cell in Guantanamo, which is what most people arrested for anything having to do with that area of the world. That's what happens to them. It just makes you think there really is

like a mental illness problem in New York, and we need to do something about it. No. Starting with building some more goddamn pools. They need pools. They need pools. I did read online that a lot of people think the man was remote controlled by the Jews. No.

Yeah, and they had him dive into the pool. Yep, yep. So you're saying that the Jews were behind 9-11? No, I'm just going to focus on this story. I think they're behind this man going into the pool. Okay, got it. Yeah. Now, this podcast is brought to you by the fine folks over at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is a friend of the show.

They're a friend of me. They got me through some hard times during the pandemic. I could not see anybody in person. And I went online and I discovered that it actually works online. It's like doing therapy face-to-face is nice, but the convenience of not having to travel, not to have to go somewhere else to do it, and to be able to switch therapists if it's not working out. So what I love about it is when I signed up, I did a whole thing where you fill out an application and they find out what issues you're dealing with what you're hoping to achieve things like that and then they they get you somebody who's equipped for exactly those dynamics which just cuts out a lot of bad you know matches for uh therapists and and clients

so um it's entirely online it's convenient convenient, flexible. It, you know, it can, people are having such trouble finding it at all. And in this, you can find it not only that, but it's can suit your schedule. Yes. It's a questionnaire. You get matched with a licensed therapist. You could switch therapists anytime at no additional charge. Yeah. I love it. I got a tremendous amount out of it. I highly recommend it. Make your brain your friend with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Sunday today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash Sunday. Now, remember, people, it's not papers. A lot of times our code is papers. This one is Sunday.

Nice. Go get some. Go get it. Go get that help. I'm going to read this story you put in here, Plane. No, let's skip that one. Alright, we're going to skip that one. Let's go to entertainment. Let's do it. Ready? it. Let's do it. Ready? All right. Why don't you read this one so I don't lose my voice. Jada Pinkett Smith, everybody's favorite, says she was separated from husband Will Smith for

six years before he infamously slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars last year. Pinkett Smith said she and her husband are still figuring it out. But in a separate NBC interview, the 52-year-old said that the pair are still not together. When asked about what precipitated the fracture in their relationship, Pinkett Smith said, it was a lot of things. By the time we got to 2016, we were just exhausted with trying, she added. I think we were both kind of just still stuck in our fantasy of what we thought the other person should be. For years, the couple have been known to have had problems with their marriage. In a 2020 episode of her Red Table talk show,

the pair publicly discussed how Pickett-Smith had entered into another relationship or entanglement, as she described it with singer august alcina yeah she got entangled with his she slept with a friend of their their son i think yes that's exactly what it was i think he was a rapper but is that is that what tired of trying looks like wow sounds like she's trying she's just not trying to fuck will keep my estranged wife's name out your fucking mouth keep yeah now they're broken up and she said she'll continue now that they're broken up she said she'll continue fucking other guys if he's smart he will base the alimony on his future earnings not his past earnings man his big uh runaway slave movie that it was supposed to be so big and i think they had to

kill all publicity on it it's already come out i think it's already come and gone I think it's already come and gone. I think it's on Apple. Wow. I think so. Damn. Keep that. Keep my motherfucking movie out your motherfucking movie theater. That's exactly it. She is a handful. All right, we're going to make America, Florida. Let's do it.

Okay. Florida man who beat lemon shark to death must take fishing classes is the headline. Brian Waddle, I guess, Waddle, 34, was nabbed, pounding a lemon shark. Sounds like a euphemism. A protected species with a hammer at Bicentennial Beach Park in Indian Harbor in December and was later charged with a failure to return a prohibited species. The disturbing footage shows Waddle striking the shark several times as it lay in the surf, then turning, I don't want to read the details, he turned it overted it and put it back he then dragged the fish right waddle has now been sentenced to 12 months of

probation ordered to pay a 336 fine and has to make a 250 donation to the brevard zoo brevard zoo and will have to complete an on-site shark fishing course with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation. So to punish him for doing this, they're going to have him fish more sharks out of the water? Right. Also, another way to look at it is, so for $336, the Florida Fish and Wildlife will teach you how to fish for shark? That sounds like a deal. Yeah.

It's the same, by the way in florida uh for uh beating your wife uh you pay a fine and then the the authorities teach you how to pick up women that's what they do in florida yeah you have to it's mandatory you take you take this yeah how to find more women i've always heard that if you see a shark, just punch it in the nose or the eye. Not fucking, a hammer seems a bit much. Yeah, I think this guy went a little too far. What's going on in Australia? Yeah, here we go. Get a crinkle.

The always contentious crinkle between Florida and Australia. Always contentious crinkle between Florida and Australia. Okay, so a South Australian man has revealed his shock at winning $730,000 from lotto ticket that he did not purchase, promising he would shower his mother with gifts. Quote, my mom bought me this ticket for my birthday last week, he said. I rang her yesterday after calling the lottery, and she didn't believe me at all the winner has promised to repay his mother for all she's done for him by spoiling

her rotten quote she's my heartbeat she's everything to me he said i wouldn't have had a great birthday if it wasn't for you wouldn't have had any birthdays if it wasn't for her so i look forward to giving back to her. Yeah. He's going to start by buying her a live-in Filipino housekeeper, a Porsche, and season tickets to the Melbourne Football Club. All right. The other way to look at it is, how about fuck you, Mom, for the $1 birthday present from 7-Eleven.

Here's your dollar back. Yeah, I know. I've stopped. You know, there was a $1.7 billion payout yesterday, and I stopped with that sucker bet. The last lottery, remember when we all pulled on that lottery? It was like seven or eight of us, and we all all bought tickets and we put it on a text chain together i bought five tickets oh god i did not get one matching number on any of the five tickets that's when i was like did you call them that's really hard to do i think i should win money for that i should get something yeah well that college day i bet on two weeks ago or three

i lost my first five bets five out of five that that that and they were all like 50 propositions like with the points you know what i mean like it was a it was a coin toss i lost the first five coin tosses that's remarkable that's why i'm'm remarking. Did you use our sponsor for that? I did. All right, let's move on to sports. Speaking of sports. Here we go. Why don't you talk about my jets the sideline new york jets quarterback aaron rogers on tuesday challenged kansas city chiefs

tight end travis kelsey to debate the effectiveness of COVID vaccines. Of course! The two pro football standouts have been trading barbs since Rodgers mocked Kelsey for partnering with pharmaceutical giant Pfizer in a campaign to encourage Americans to get their flu shots and COVID vaccine. Rodgers marked Kelsey calling him Mr. Pfizer before fans fired back at the QB, pointing out that he's Mr. Johnson and Johnson playing for the Jets owned by Johnson and Johnson pharmaceutical heir Woody

Johnson. I made a tiny little joke about a guy shilling for a potentially corrupt company and everybody kind of loses their minds. Rogers said this ain ain't a war, homie. This is just conversation, the amused Rogers continued. But if you want to have some sort of dual debate, have me on a podcast. Homie. And this is what we need. This is what we need because there's a lot of subtleties and layers to the argument about vaccinations.

I mean, if you believe both sides and who better to debate it than two guys that have had concussive injuries since they were seven years old who has been surrounded by jocks in locker rooms discussing foreign foreign events and i think seinfeld and wonder woman should mediate this debate. Here's what this debate would sound like. I think the shot in the arm makes me strong and I won't get the fungus. No, they would spit like, it would be like, the efficacy, the efficacy is, you know, the cell breakdown is too small. It doesn't work.

They're corrupt. The company's corrupt. Every company's corrupt. Don't act like Pfizer is any worse than any other Fortune 500 company. There's chips in the needle. But didn't a doctor just fix your leg? Why are you against doctors? Typical libtard. I had RFK Jr. fix it.

I thought he got shot in Dallas. Just when I thought the Jets couldn't look any worse this season, we have this now happening. Didn't they win a game last week? They did win. Wow. And by the way, oh, God, I shouldn't say it. I mean, they're a terrible disappointment as always. But there's a lot of people, man, who posted about that Kansas City ending

that was given to Kansas City. I mean, the non-calls and the calls. It was great. And then it happened again. Someone, I saw a guy freaking out, and it's a funny video that came across Instagram. It might be on TikTok. But he was screaming about KC.

Who were they playing that almost beat them? I forget. Anyway. It was a holding call where you watch the replay and the guy literally touched him with his hand. That was it. Yeah. But they want Mahomes to go.

You know, they want Mahomes to go to the Super Bowl because he's good ratings. It was terrible. It was really. Oh, no. there were three penalties. That's what it was. There were three penalties, including the guy taking off his helmet, the Kansas City guy taking off his helmet furious in the end zone, which is illegal.

Yeah. And they called three, and they took back, after a little powwow, they took back all three calls. Right. Against Kansas City. Yeah, oh, yeah, that's right, they took back all three calls. Right. Against Kansas City. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's right.

In one play. Three calls in one play. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he took off his helmet to yell at the official. No. Yeah. Let's go to science. You got it, pal.

Here we go. Everything is transitioning really neatly today. We're talking talking about science and now it's the science section look at that it's the secret to living to a hundred i won't bore you there's a lot of this you know there's that show now where the guy talks about the blue zones around the world and what they're doing and all that anyway so uh i have the article in my hand here and what they're doing and all that. Anyway, so I have the article in my hand here. And what do you think are the secrets, the secrets, the top secrets to living to 100? Well, obviously exercise, regularly keeping yourself active. That's got to be one of them.

That's part. But actually, the article is called The Sec's called the secret to living to 100 and it's the subtitle is it's not good habits um i know from watching some special on tv that it's a lot about community living in a village where you're interacting with people on a regular basis i don't think it has to be a village g Greg, but yes, friends and being social and all, but the number one is genes. Levi's or Lee's? By age 100, it's roughly 50% genetic. I think it's higher than that. And he estimates that around 106 years old, it's 75%. that around 106 years old, it's 75%. One little thing in this, which people who maybe downplay COVID

because obviously we have a lot of people express a lot of regrets about the pandemic and how it was handled. But COVID should not be underestimated. COVID lowered the life expectancy in this country by two years. Wow. It went down to 76.4% in 2021. So anyway, he talks about genes, and obviously there has to be modest caffeine and alcohol intake.

But two is keeping in good relationships. Now, here was the concerning thing. I think this is more for me than you. This may be why you live longer than I do. Among the study participants, the 25% who were the most optimistic had a greater likelihood of living beyond 90 years than the least optimistic 25%. Oh, that doesn't bode well for you, my friend. Mr. Earthquake's coming this year. Mr. The stock market's going to crash. Mr. Renting for 15 years instead of buying something. How do we think anything's going to work out? And by the way, I saw a Louis C.K. clip where he really was like reading my diary.

He was like, people who are just optimistically yeah i think it's gonna work out that no you're not optimistic you're an idiot it's stupidity optimism is stupidity that's what his take on it was i remember norm mcdonald's bit about people go like someone commits suicide and they go i don't understand why he'd do it. And you're like, you don't? Are you not watching what's going on in the world? Yeah, exactly. Okay, so one of the women in this article goes, she plans to outlive her colon and skin cancers and keep enjoying swing music and Mexican food

as long as she feels physically and mentally well. Well, listen, if you continue grace, whatever your name is, with the Mexican food, you're always going to have a colon problem. I'm going to tell you right now. Two birds with one stone. Just cut out the Mexican food. Might also lead to some issues while you're swing dancing when you shit the dance floor.

Oh, did you have to spell it out? Did I? I don't know. Who are our listeners? who are our listeners who are our listeners uh let's skip down to letters to the editor we're flying today flying keeping it tight we're keeping it tight we got jokes we were prepared it's a slow news week the world is at war on the brink of collapsing afghanistan had the earthquakes this is where people come that's why we're doing it keeping it tight keep it out this guy plus one 1295 says we talked about that

break dancing is going to be in the olympics yeah the next olympics he said i'm guessing uh the break dancing olympics will be japan Japan versus Puerto Rico in the finals. Wow. Interesting. Not the U.S.? Good for Puerto Rico. Wait, is Puerto Rico in the Olympics, or are they considered part of the U.S. in the Olympics?

That's a good question. What was the famous Bob? Was it the Bahamas? Yeah, the Bob's Letters. They were Jamaican. Jamaica, right, right, right, right. That's not part of the U.S. Jamaica does.

Although if you're in Queens, you might think that it's part of the U.S. Yeah, but boy, yeah, Puerto Rico. That's one big island versus a little one. That would be good to see. I'd watch that. Yep. I'm not watching. I kid.

I'm not watching any goddamn breakdancing competitions. Once again, a smooth transition as we go to obituaries. Here we go. And that's all, folks. Yes. Dorothy Hoffner was a Chicago woman who set a world record when she went skydiving at the age of 104, just a week before her death.

Hoffner first went skydiving when she was 100 years old, and she made it clear that she didn't want to take on the daredevil feat to get attention or to set records but simply because it sounded fun she enjoyed it so much that she did it again four years later becoming the oldest person ever to skydive her record-breaking jump on october 1st 2023 went viral at the time of her two jumps she was a resident resident of Brookdale Senior Living in Chicago, where she became friends with a caregiver who helped facilitate her jumps, who just happens to have been in her will. Prior to her retirement, she worked for Illinois Bell Telephone Company. So, you know.

She didn't even need a shoot, man. Her skin just did all, she's coasted down to the surface. Yeah. Nice and easy. Just the air that went into her asshole and vagina slowed her down. Can you imagine those under like under her biceps that the arm flap with the noise, the racket that must have made on the way down? You know, a lot of people get scared. They shit their pants when they jump out of a plane. She shit her pants on the car ride to the airstrip.

And the night before. It's also the first time in 50 years that her tits were hanging higher than her navel. She must have been like, oh, my God, I still have these? Wow, what are these wow what are these what are these things i thought that was my uh dinner tray shelf uh all right let's get to the funnies here we go now all right hagger and helga are sitting around, and she's knitting. He's just drinking a goblet of—what did they drink back then? Yeah. Mead?

I think you're right. I think he's got a goblet of mead. I'm going to look up mead and tell you how—let's make some. Go ahead. She said, if you hadn't married me, you'd be wasting your nights in a bar drinking booze and dancing with some woman and then he looks at her and goes don't be so hard on yourself i don't think dance i don't think dancing is the operative word no no suffocating some struggling woman he'd be wasting your nights stalking some woman down a cobblestone alley while she cried because she was coming from another assault five minutes earlier.

You nailed this, man. So I look at what the Vikings drank. They drank strong beer at festive occasions together with the popular drink mead. Mead was a sweet fermented drink made from honey, water, and spices. Wine made from grapes was also known of, but had to be imported from France. Imported? You mean you go get it.

Well, apparently mead is making a comeback with the hipsters. The hipsters are drinking mead. They're making it. Yeah, and they're penny whistling, penny farthing, whatever the giant wheeled bicycles are and all the ridiculous things. Yeah. All right, let's get down to the Lockhorns. Leroy is slumped on the couch with a beer in his hand, watching TV.

He looks like he has no spine. He's just like jelly. And as she's walking out the door helga helga loretta says to her friend leroy was this year's winner of american idol spelled i-d-l-e joke not not hilarious but a joke not hilarious a nice little word play there a hard joke um and then they're at a party and l Loretta is looking at Leroy. He's on the dance floor, and he looks like Elaine from Seinfeld doing the horrible dancing. And she goes, Leroy dances like no one is watching.

That's why everyone watches. That's okay. Yeah. It was a slow week for the Lockhorns. We still got to get her on the phone. Bunny Hester.

Bunny Hest. We better move. She's not a spring chicken, right? I know. Right. All right. So last week, I did a Far Side

where it was like a Red Baron character who had drawings of his uh victims on his plane and one was snoopy the famous snoopy as a pilot on his uh doghouse as the red baron huh as the red baron right and uh i mentioned that that was one of several references that he would make to other comic strips. So there's one, the Farside. The one on the left is, it goes, at the Farside Spy Center.

And you see all these typical Farside characters, the chicken, the cow, the clueless guy, and the woman who's in a lot of them. And they're in a control center with multiple screens up. And the screens have garfield i don't even know all the doonesbury um who oh the who's the duck in bed i don't even know what that one is anyway ziggy has huh ziggy is the one with the big nose in the middle yeah and then anyway um oh and who's the one that's always pissing on the back of trucks, pissing on each other?

I forget that one. I've never been into the funnies. Anyway, one of them is Snoopy. Hold on. Let me blow this up a little so I can read it. And you see Snoopy and Charlie Brown. And Charlie Brown is walking away from snoopy and he looks angry and the little thought the little like quote bubble says we'll put you to sleep whoa holy shit yeah damn that's dark snoopy is what's happening that is dark he fucking hates charles schultz i bet you it's like stand-up comedians in the comic strip world i bet there's some that are cool like obviously farsight is one of the hippest coolest cartoons of all time up there with dunesberry and bloom county and they look down But how do you look down on Charles Schultz?

I mean, the peanuts are amazing. I love peanuts. I don't. Yeah. I never. Well, here, what you have to do is you have to separate. It's like the Grinch was magical, right? It was put in the hands of these amazing artists.

It's a little like The Simpsons. Did you ever go back and read Gronings like strip The Simpsons? It's been a while. Yeah, no, it wasn't. It was much darker and it never made me laugh. And then all of a sudden, the animated show

and that's the same I feel with, I mean, I think that it was a weird collection of kids. I mean, it's kind of funny having a miserable child. I'll give them that. But anyway, come on. It was the kid who's filthy, but is a brilliant pianist who plays Beethoven. And then the lesbian.

They had a lesbian character. Lucy was a shrink. It was fucking it was great. Yeah. They had a black kid, Leroy. Speaking of Lucy, another far side from 1987 are these archaeologists, and they're walking up this cliff, and then they see an image on the side, and the quote underneath says, rocking the anthropological world, a second Lucy is discovered in southern Uganda and it's Lucy, like a fossil of Lucy on the rocks. And it's Lucy from the Peanuts.

Oh, because there was originally a fossil discovered that was called Lucy, right? Lucy was, was Lucy the missing link? I think so. I'm going to look that up called Lucy, right? Lucy was, was Lucy the missing link? I think so. I'm going to look that up while you, oh boy, get into it. That's your missing link. This one, I got to tell you, I put this in because I didn't understand it, but it gave me some pause about what this strip is really all about.

about what this strip is really all about. So Dagwood is sitting in the blue chair. Blondie comes in, tan khakis, purple top, hair done up just right. She goes, honey, someone called asking for Dagwood Bumstead, but it turned out to be a different Dagwood Bumstead. Second frame, he looks straight ahead, and in the third frame, he stands up and puts his hands on her shoulders as if he's about to tell her something very consequential any thoughts on that

i've been reading about lucy oh let me guess does dagwood still not deserve her? He doesn't deserve her. And but the thing is here, we're starting to see that maybe there's another level of reality in which Dagwood is a projection who is not a real human being. But in somehow maybe he's a nightmare scenario that Blondie has to play out over and over again because she was a whore. She was a flapper. This strip came out in the 1930s or 40s, and she was a flapper. I don't know if you remember that. I do remember that. And he was a millionaire. So maybe this is some kind of a cycle of suffering that she has to go through as some kind of penance.

So I've just read this and caught up on this what does this mean i don't know that's why i put it in the beginning of a black mirror that's what it feels like yeah is she now doubting that she's with the right one maybe maybe i'm thinking this one I think the phone call came in because she is being relieved of her penance. And I'm thinking next week, we're going to see Blondie without Dagwood. We're going to see a pair of pants and a shirt or maybe some donut pajamas

crumpled up in the corner of the room where his physical being has evaporated as she has finished out the serving of her penance and now she can move on how did the call go too was it like dagwood bumstead please it's like oh he's here and then they all of a sudden there's confusion like wait do i have the right one yeah and they're like describe your husband, oh, well, Dagwood is just he sits around all he eats. He has these bottomless. He eats these big sandwiches. He doesn't do much. And they're like, wait, you're kidding, right?

No. It's like, what do you look like, ma'am? Oh, my God, I'm stacked. I'm gorgeous. I keep it tight. They're like, this is not adding up at all. Yeah. Right. Yeah, right. Yeah, there's another Dagwood Bumstead who's dashing. He's tall. He's a CEO of a corporation. He belongs to a country club.

He fucking dotes on her. That's the right Dagwood Bumstead. Ma'am, I hate to tell you, we have the right Dagwood. You have the wrong one. Yeah, right. All right, what'd you find out? I found out, you know what? It was too dense to read on my little iPhone here, but they have found someone 2,000 years preceding Lucy.

Like, where was Lucy? They call her Lucy the Missing Link. 2,000 years ago was the Missing Link? No, 2,000 years before Lucy. They found someone. Oh. They found someone else. I don't know if they...

Scientists today announced the discovery of the oldest fossil skeleton of a human ancestor. The find reveals that our forebearers underwent a previously unknown stage of evolution. Oh, sorry. More than a million years before Lucy. What's the difference? The iconic early human ancestor specimen that walked the earth 3.2 million years ago. No. So Lucy was only a million years ago. I don't, you could have told me, obviously I, you could tell me any number. It's kind of like, oh yeah, the moon is a million miles from Earth. I'm like, okay, sure.

Yeah. If you were to ask me how old, well, first of all, you've got, you know, different iterations of humans. There's the, there's the Cro- chromagnon and then there's the uh you know the uh maga there's the maga and those are about 3.7 million years ago there was the uh playboy that was the 1970s there was the greasers that was the 50s yeah camel cigarettes man yeah yep all right well listen listen we could riff all day mike this is one of our shortest sunday papers in a while one hour and 18 minutes but it was action-packed filled with good stuff we're gonna get a clip up this week

did we did you not give them a clip for last week? You know, I had trouble finding a funny clip. I mean, our conversation was funny. Last week's show was awful. But a tight joke was a little challenging, but that's no excuse. I should have cobbled something together. It was awful. And I probably, you know what I found out? I got home and I was going through my pillboxes. I, you know, I have depression. I take medication for depression and I had the wrong medication through my pillboxes. I have depression. I take medication for depression. And I had the wrong medication in my pillbox. And I felt off all fucking week. I felt like I was floating above myself, watching myself, and not connected.

And then I realized when I got home I was taking the wrong medication. I have a nighttime and a morning medication, and I had flipped them. Huh. Yeah. There's jokes in there somewhere, but all right. But now I'm back, 100%. 100% of 70%, I'm back.

Exactly. I'll cut a promo this week, and then we're going to be forced, because of all the travel, we're going to be forced to do a promo, I think, together in Nashville. You mean an episode? Huh? You just said a promo. Oh, yeah, an episode. And we might maybe have to use our computers because there's not a camera down there, but yeah. I'll bring a camera. If she doesn't have one, I will bring a camera.

All right, let me ask if she has one, I will bring a camera. All right. Let me ask if she has one. But what is the minimum specs on it? Doesn't matter as long as it's a camera. Yeah. Oh. What are the specs? You're sitting in a fucking closet on a Zoom call.

What are the tech specs, please? All righty, pal. All right. That'll do it. Thanks, as always, to Midcoast media we missed chris denman dearly this week there was a lot of research mike had to do on his phone sure but we'll have chris back next week i hope to god um and uh don't forget oh god i forgot to put the fucking sponsors in all right we're gonna add that in all We're going to stay on the call. All right. Thanks for listening. All right, everybody. Take it easy. Take it easy.