Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 187 10/22/23
Episode Date: October 22, 2023Live from Nashville! A Nebraska man gets way into dolls, Rykers prison officers have a man cave and a very spooky lawn decoration....
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Discussion (0)
And 7, 8, 9.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
5, 4.
I don't have to clap.
I don't have to clap. I don't have to clap.
Hear ye, hear ye.
Here we go.
Nashville News coming to you live from Tennessee, y'all.
Yep.
It's all the news that you can understand.
Good commitment.
Why am I making fun of Tennessee?
I love it here.
Good commitment.
We just got back from the country music hall of fame which
is a museum it's a museum of a music that's a museum no it's very alive I mean country music
when I was a kid was just like growing up in New York you didn't listen to it and then as a teenager
it was all about rock I rejected every other form. And I think, honestly, you dating a woman from the South
has made me kind of get interested in music
because you've gotten more interested in country music.
Well, yeah, but as we just saw,
we saw this amazing exhibit that's there.
They have rotating exhibits,
and this one was actually about Los Angeles.
Right.
So it was all about the
flying burrito brothers and you know uh neil young crosby stills nash and young gram parsons yeah
gram parsons huge influence as the guy who tried to bring country at that time he partnered up with
emmy lou harris but his big thing was like you guys got to incorporate country the instruments the heart tugging songs and stuff
and that songwriting the harmonic leads more than one person singing a lead yeah so and uh and
obviously the instruments they started doing steel guitars yeah so we've always been into
buffalo springfield and all those people you know know, who were doing that. And so, but yeah, leaning into it a little more for sure.
And tonight we're going to the Ryman again.
Again.
And seeing Jason Isbell.
But we were at the Ryman last night.
That was unbelievable.
To see Wheeler Walker Jr.
What a band.
What a band.
The band was, I mean, here's the thing I loved about it.
Is the last time I saw, I've seen him three times.
The last time I saw him,
the music was so fucking loud and the mix was so bad that you could not hear
the lyrics.
And it's like,
this is all about the lyrics.
Yeah.
And this time the sound in the Ryman is as good as any concert hall I've ever
heard.
It's incredible.
It's got wooden ceilings and it's just perfect church.
We sat in pews.
Yeah.
You sit in pews it was great
and there was a black guy behind me singing every word to every song which you said at one point
the guy behind he was a little like every every lyric and you turn around you're like i was not
expecting to see a black guy i did not expect that at all yeah and uh and it was uh it was just fun and the people were sitting with
i mean i don't know how much john and pam i guess john knows his music pretty well oh yeah yeah he
knows it pretty well but pam was less she her head down she was laughing so hard at the lyrics
uh what about the woman who ran down the aisle the center aisle big tits flopping out she ran
down the center aisle right right at wheeler
walker and flashed him and then turned around and walked back up the aisle again yeah i mean isn't
that every musician's dream i think she works there yeah no uh that is every musician's dream
but i couldn't believe that like i was like i got it i got i saw some side action i'm like wait is
that what i think is going on? Yeah. Sure.
It was sweet.
And,
uh,
and there was a fight up front.
There was some bouncers throwing a guy out and it was such a Southern redneck thing.
Like the bouncers were big and they were tough looking dudes and they approached him.
I saw them talking to him for a while.
They put their hand on his shoulder.
One of them started pushing him out and the guy pulled out his phone and started videotaping it and then he fucking takes a swing at the security guard
security guard ducks and just grabs him by the shoulder yeah and leads him out like yeah this
is just another night yeah uh and then you know it's ben hoffman who created will walker jr and
uh we i then texted him after to thank him and his parents these conservative they're not
should you be giving this away or people know this no people know this and they're like you
know really buttoned up his dad's a doctor and his mom i think literally i think she's the owner of a
knitting store all in lexington kentucky no kidding yeah but so buttoned down you know what i mean
and she does all these you know liberal causes and stuff there but anyway and there they are
uh beaming with pride more pride than for their doctor son and he's up there just talking about
licking bush eating pussy sucking cock kicking ass. That's my favorite song. Sucking dick.
Sucking dick.
Because he's got...
The black guy knew the right word.
Well, what's great is that his audience, at face value, is a bunch of rednecks.
And you assume are conservative and all that.
And then he slides it in between all these songs that talk about tits and getting fucked and all that.
Is the thing about him
sucking a guy's dick.
And he kind of slides it in there.
Sometimes it's not even sliding it in there,
so to speak.
It's one of his songs.
It's a big one.
It's about end of the night when the pickings get sort of thin because it's
too late.
And then it comes down to which one of you queers is going to suck my dick.
And they're all these seemingly rednecks are singing along
it's the name of the song everybody's singing along and then the new album is the new album
is really great um and there's uh there's a pot anthem on it or is that is that's the previous that's a previous album yeah but um
he all right so he text by so we we mentioned so jason isbell does a 10 night kind of stand at his
in his hometown here at the ryman wheeler was in the middle of this 10 run but you know that's the
big thing that's going on in town is this once annual october uh jason isbell thing so
hoffman uh texts us back when i go you know we're going to that tonight and his last thing was like
um you know what are you guys doing tomorrow and this weekend and enjoy that libtard isbell tonight
oh my god and his crowd work was great He's like
Anybody here drive a tow truck?
This guy here
You drive a tow truck?
No dump truck
You drive a dump truck?
It's even worse
This guy drives a dump truck
No and then
Before his final song
Fuck you bitch
He's like
Who wants to hear the greatest
Who wants to hear the greatest
Country song ever written?
And he's like And everyone cheers right, I'll play it for you.
So anyway, so we're going to Jason Isbell tonight.
And the museum was great today.
I've never been to Nashville before.
It's a great city.
We got to get you more bachelorettes.
That's what you got to see now in this town.
Yeah.
It's the bane of everybody's existence here who lives here.
It's become the bachelorette party capital of the world.
Didn't know there was a competition, but I guess it dethroned Vegas.
Yeah, and it's got those little bikes that you pedal your bar down the street.
Those should be taken out with torpedoes i would
have i would not shed a tear if one of those crashed into a bus well i think i told you before
one time i was trapped literally i'm not exaggerating at all between three bachelorette
parties that were active meanwhile they're all over the streets in their cowboy boots and shorts and like dildos on their head but it was a tractor a john deere towing this
flatbed that had a hot tub on it and like bars around it with all these bachelorettes on it
and it was that it was a pedal bar whatever those are called and then another one was like a
completely retrofitted school bus pink school bus that they were all going crazy.
And I just wish they would like pile up and hit each other.
Well, all for marriages that are probably going to fail.
And bachelorette parties also.
I used to do a bit about bachelorette parties about how like they just want they see bachelor parties and they're like, that looks amazing.
We should do that.
But they can't because women ultimately
can't party the way men do they're not as debaucherous it's kind of beneath like this
behavior is beneath them so they try to kind of slum it for the night yeah but it always falls
short by 8 15 they're sitting on the curb with their shoes in their hand they had a fight they
all picked sides two of them were on the phone back to their boyfriend or husband and they're
in a fight
Yeah
The bride leaves early
Yeah
Because she's worried
That the boyfriend's
Having a better time
At his bachelor party
So she fucks that up
But I mean
Guys must swoop in here
Oh yeah
All you have to do
Is go downtown
And there's all these women
With impaired judgment
Well
When I used to do shows
At Dangerfield In york it was on
first avenue just just below 60th street yeah and that's where um what was the male strip club uh
chip and dales chip and dales was across the street and so you would see guys literally lined
up outside because the the women would come out and they would just it was fishing in a barrel
oh the prep cook the prep cooking had already happened.
Yeah.
Yeah, everything was ready.
All the gay dancers had already gotten the women worked up and wet.
Exactly.
Speaking of which, we're going to be talking about divorce rates
for women later in the show.
Right.
Specifically lesbians.
Let's do a deep tease.
What else? We're going to talk a lot about death now a lot of death a lot of crime involving death we're doing this on the fly it's gonna be a
little shorter than usual over an hour though don't worry i did you see the michigan story
uh that i crossed out yeah we should probably not do that We could also not do the first one about, I don't know, are we going to dive into Israel-Palestine on Sunday papers?
Are we doing that?
No, I like this story.
Well, this is my way of doing it.
I find stories that are on the periphery.
All right, Mike.
I didn't realize that was your way.
That's my way.
Also, speaking of live performances, I just upgraded my special.
I'm doing my one-hour special.
If people didn't hear, I have to reshoot it.
It was some technical problems.
And so I'm doing it at the Mothership in Austin.
Right.
Originally, I was going in for kind of a low-budget package.
And, you know, like still a really good package of five cameras and all that.
But then I talked to the producer and he's the guy that shot everybody's specials.
It's called 800 Pound Gorilla.
And he talked me into going big, getting a big lighting package, extra camera.
You know what else I'm getting?
What?
Teleprompter.
Oh, wow.
Because I never remember
You know
I never do the same hour of material
When I go on stage
I do crowd work
I mix stuff up
I whatever
And so now it's like about doing an hour
And I don't want to be thinking about what joke is next
So I'm just going to get bullet points
And scroll them across the teleprompter
Yeah
It's like you when you do stand up with your little list
I don't know why you call itter. Yeah. It's like you when you do stand-up with your little list.
I don't know why you call it little.
Well, it's... It's pretty substantial.
It is substantial.
No, you're right.
And I make the list and I kind of flush it out
because, as you know, there's keywords in some jokes
or, you know, the sort of commentary.
And then the more you get to know it,
reduce it, reduce it, reduce it,
and then it's like one word.
And all, you know, listen,
I've produced a bazillion stand-ups
doing their five-minute sets on late-night television.
They all have the bullet points in the prompter.
I just thought of something that might be kind of brilliant.
Uh-oh.
What if, because it's just bullet points,
I had a screen behind the stage
and I had my set list up on the wall behind me.
Right.
Just as long as none of the bullet points
give away the punchline.
Yeah.
Oh, in post we could,
in post we could cross each one off as I do it.
You could.
It's almost like part of the interruption on ESPN
where they have their list.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And, you know, we stole that in Tsh and what we did at tosh.no is we would put um symbols which kept
you guessing kind of like what you're saying it wouldn't give it away but it would be like
like a skier and you know uh with an x through it or something if there was a bad wipeout so we'd
have these icons and so you could tell kind of what was coming next right not tell but you would
be guessing.
I can't call it set list
because Paul Provenza has a show called Set List.
I don't want to step on that.
Right.
But I need to call it set list would be kind of perfect.
Maybe I'll talk to Paul and he'll let me do it.
I would maybe do it if you wrote some things to it,
like if there was one thing up there
and it was just like one line once in a while.
Yeah, yeah yeah yeah
right right you could do something like that or back into a punch line put the punch line up yeah
yeah yeah and then do the joke and then just just point at it yeah all right enough about that that's
going to be november 18th at the mothership get your tickets now and then we want to thank our logo from Irish Shana. Now, is that, who is that?
Is that a haul on oats?
Yeah.
And oats lives right here in town.
No, I saw oats at a pharmacy.
Was he the brains behind the operation?
Was he the Paul Simon of the group?
I think it's quite the opposite.
Oh.
Yeah.
He's the blonde Garfunkel.
He's the brunette Garfunkel. Okay. Uh, same hair almost.
But I, uh, no, but I felt weird. Cause I'd be like, yo oats.
Like I'm just going to yell out oats.
Who else was there? It was Sonny. Sonny was obvious.
I thought he lived in Colorado, but then I saw him here and everyone's like,
Oh no, he's here.
You think about where Hall or Oates live?
No, I saw a thing on an airplane,
and it was with Oates.
Again, it's so weird.
And Oates is on his farm,
so it all gets weirder.
And he was very into like,
I think he had a bunch of animals.
I think that's what,
it was like a CBS Sunday morning feature,
some crap that I would only see on a T on a airplane.
And he was in the mountains.
Maybe it was near here.
I don't know.
But anyway,
he was definitely here when I saw him.
Well,
there's your update on oats case you were wondering.
Yeah.
Um,
deep teas on that song this week came from David Dorsey.
Uh,
very groovy,
well produced kind of a techno hip-hop thing.
Yeah, I liked it. Yeah, I liked it a lot.
Thank you, David. And by the way, I had some
people come up to my shows recently
and say, are you still looking
for songs? Absolutely.
Please, we fucking love
that you guys send us songs.
We love that we've been doing this for almost three
years and we have never repeated
a theme song, thanks to you,
as well as logos.
We always need those.
FitzDogRadio at gmail.com.
Send them in and keep it fresh.
Keep it fresh.
Keep it fresh.
Some corrections.
Steven Satterberg, not Soderberg, but Satterberg.
On the last episodes, you couldn't remember the actress who had the best tits in Hollywood. Reaction's Steven Satterberg. Not Soderberg, but Satterberg.
On the last episodes, you couldn't remember the actress who had the best tits in Hollywood.
Not, we didn't say best tits in Hollywood.
Her grandmother said that.
It's Sydney Sweeney.
And I encourage all of your listeners to pause the podcast and Google her name. She is breathtaking and the star of the Rolling Stones new video.
She sure is.
Now, when you Google Sidney, which I just did, Sidney Powell, very different scenario, is the first.
She tried to overturn the 2020 election.
Oh, was that Colin Powell's wife?
She is not a looker.
No.
But now if you just type in an S, there is Sidney Sweeney.
And yeah.
Yeah.
She's stunning and she's a good actress.
She's a very good actress.
Or should we say she's a good actress and she's stunning?
I think she'd prefer we said it like that.
Yeah.
Then a guy named Ryan in Chicago said,
when Snoopy sits atop his doghouse and becomes an aviator,
he is not the Red Baron.
The Red Baron.
The Red Baron flew for the German Air Force in World War I and is the enemy in all the imaginary dog fights.
No pun intended.
Very nicely done.
Snoopy's alter ego is known simply as the Flying Ace.
Of course.
I never, you threw that Red Baron thing around a and i i didn't really think too much about it he also said the sole black character is named franklin not leroy oh greg
not duane well wait what is south uh south park is it token. I think that's right. Yeah.
Yeah.
I'll make sure we get this right so we can not have some corruption.
It is funny that all those old things like the R-Gang had buckwheat.
Yeah.
And what other tokens were there?
Can we even say that?
Tolkien. But it turns out then his name, there was we even say that? Tolkien.
But it turns out that his name,
there was an episode where it's Tolkien, not token.
Yeah.
But anyway, that's his literal name.
Anyway.
All right, good correction.
Do you think that if Eddie Murphy was a fan of J.R. Tolkien,
he'd be a token black?
That seems like a long way to go
on that one. Manolo Matta said
I forgot. Oh, no, there's one more.
This one is subjective,
but I don't think you'll find the peanut
strips as humorous as you remember them.
The TV specials are one thing, but I'd
argue the comics aren't much better than Family Circus.
You are so wrong.
And I said that's what and i
said that last week i totally agree i went there's a town called santa rosa california where the
charles schultz museum is and i spent two hours in there and look there's different kinds of i
fucking love peanuts i grew i had my first books were Peanuts books. And they may not be, some are laugh out loud funny,
but they're mostly just clever, heartfelt, humorous characters.
It's great. It's great.
You were being, that house, you were being traumatized by your dad.
I get you needed a little safe, very unchallenging space.
I read the books.
To cool out.
I read the books in a doghouse in the backyard yeah
exactly uh manolo mata said i forgot to send this info to you the first time you mentioned the drag
race show at the grand ole opry i listened to you mention it again uh the drag show law is no more
in tennessee and then he sent a an art an article saying that it was overruled by the Supreme Court.
Ah.
So that's good because I really was thinking if I ever performed here,
I would wear lipstick and a dress just because it's funny.
You should just go out and you should go to the Isbell show like that.
Did you see the rest of what he said right before his name there?
Take care and have fun at the Ryman this week.
It's probably the best venue in the U.S. to see a concert.
The sound is unbelievable there.
And you've already found out it's true.
A lot of comedians.
I didn't realize how many comedians.
I think your girlfriend was telling me that Fortune Feimster did one there.
She did, yeah.
And Bobby and Cheeto.
Bobby Lee and Anthony Santino.
They did their podcast from there.
Really?
And they said it was their favorite stop on their tour.
Really?
Yep.
Huh.
And then finally, this guy named Greg Reinheimer said,
in reference to Mike's marathon running, he said,
remember when you thought you couldn't go any further
and then you went five miles further?
The correct word is farther.
True.
Distance, far.
I'm surprised I said it, but yeah.
Chris Denman said that Sam...
But further into my soul
and further into like finding
that little something extra within me.
I think it's further.
Right.
Is that when you
shit your pants that was farther yeah chris denman said that sam jay's new special is on hbo max it
is just called max now nope incorrect hbo is still a shingle under the roof of max and she is specifically an hbo special that is airing on hbo max or on max
so i used to work at hbo and so obviously it was very confusing to everybody why really
mac you're going max and you're not taking this tiffany of brand names which is hbo best name
and entertainment i mean the amount of Emmys So anyway It's because
They were viewing it more
As like a
Netflix
That has
Like Netflix has
Breaking Bad
From AMC
Like Hulu has
All these FX shows
And FX is the
Really great brand
In there
And also
If it was just HBO
It's gonna be diluted
With a lot of
Beneath HBO content Right from all the Turner networks
and stuff like that TBS is on there I heard from a writer during the strike that one of the main
reasons is because HBO is considered a broadcaster Max is considered a streamer and there are
different pay rates within the union for those two
different entities so they got rid of hbo so going forward they don't have to pay as much residual
tricky bastards yep i i should we have our backs to the beautiful window no because you don't want
light behind you when you're shooting with a camera no there's no light but okay well there
was when we started it was coming straight in there started four hours ago we've cut a lot out um
oh and i also said on last week's episode talking about peanuts you said the filthy
kid is a brilliant pianist who plays beethoven the filthy kid was pig pen he was just filthy
the kid who played piano was Schroeder.
And the black kid wasn't Leroy.
His name was Franklin.
I mean, how many words did you say that were right?
After saying how much Peanuts means to me.
I read every book as a kid. You know, with with dirt bag and the piano player ludwig
you know i love them they were like family and the therapist laura
dr laura i have blocked a lot of my childhood out but i won't be blocking out tonight. If you're listening on Sunday, Baltimore,
Magoobies, October 22nd,
Houston on November 3rd and 4th,
Bakersfield on the 11th,
Austin, as I mentioned, November 17th through 19th,
San Francisco punchline, November 30th through December 2nd,
Fort Worth also coming up, Atlanta,
and we just booked San Diego in February at the La Jolla Comedy Store so that's
it anything you want to talk about Mike no I mean we do it and entertain no not really I was up too
late last night watching couples therapy which I talked about a couple of years ago it's on
Showtime it's so good yeah I'm gonna get into it because uh it's real it's reality it's
real therapy sessions yeah and uh and the woman is so insightful and calls i wish i had had a
therapist thought like this he like calls you out on your stuff and makes you stop wait wait wait
you know you have a story but let's check your story you know what i mean but the other thing
that's probably very appealing for male viewers is that if you've ever been in couples therapy, which me and Aaron went for, I think, two months when we when we hit a certain mark and and we we got through it pretty quick.
You want to leave.
And when you watch it on TV, you're in there and you can just fucking change the channel or shut it off.
It's not a good sign.
I mean, how much do you
want to leave couples therapy in general for the average guy yeah because we were talking about
earlier today 90 of the impetus for couples therapy is the woman we're gonna find out later
in this podcast that women generally aren't happy in relationships oh that's right good tease let's
talk about where people are happy, Mike.
Yeah, we're going to do it, baby. Game time. Let's do it. No more frustrating ticket buying
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Yup.
And then let me go to outside of music.
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We got the Predators, $39, and that's going to drop.
That's Saturday night.
Tennessee State football is at $67.
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Why can't we get the same hashtag for all of our ads?
That's above our pay grade.
We've got paper.
Oh.
Okay, I like this story because it's very relatable.
Israelis reservists thrust into unknown on front lines of war with Hamas.
Most Israelis who have already done their mandatory military service remain in the reserves until age 40.
Since October 7th, entire planes have been chartered to bring home reservists and other Israelis.
Dreadlocks hang from under helmets.
There are hipster beards, quirky glasses, oversized pants hanging down below the waist,
and hiking shoes that are anything but regulation.
Quote, it's surreal to be here, said Amir, one of the more than 360 000 israeli reservists called up uh to the
war against gaza-based hamas militants amir who did not give his last name uh according to army
orders finished his military service in 2014 just after an israeli war with militants in gaza
he said meekly that he still has, quote, grief and trauma from the
conflict. And despite undergoing annual training exercises, he didn't realize that nine years later
he'd be called to fight again. No one should have to find themselves in this situation, he said,
holding his rifle. I still know how to use it, but I hope I don't have to, he sighed.
still know how to use it but i hope i don't have to decide and then one more alia 24 is a female reservist a medic who hasn't worn a uniform in four years the french israeli who works in a startup
found out that she'd been called up for service while she was on a beach in thailand put your top
on come home she's like Even for us It's terrifying
Of course I'm asking myself
What I'm doing here
But this is just how it is
It's our duty
So
I'm like
She says it's our duty
Like jury duty
Because then you
Would be AWOL
We've just found out
Do you not want to talk about that?
Of course I'm not talking about that
You don't go to jury duty that often
But you got lucky
You got lucky
I've gotten very lucky I think they don't go to jury duty that often, but you get lucky. You got lucky. I've gotten very lucky.
I think they don't want my kind,
but a few weeks,
maybe a month or two ago,
I was talking about this entitled.
The generations,
including us have gotten more entitled than the ones before.
We are way more entitled than our parents.
And the idea,
I mean,
it was always asked what you can do for your country.
And if you were
drafted like generally everyone went of course there were draft dodgers and people who came up
with principled reasons not to not join but that was such a small fraction yeah and anyway now
i think the draft would be almost comical in the U.S.
Oh, yeah.
They're all going and everything, but it's such a different culture there.
And they've all had mandatory service.
Right.
Nothing like that.
Also, when you think about the wars that Americans have been asked to fight in in the last 20 years,
whether it's Iraq or Afghanistan, we don't have skin in the last 20 years, whether it's Iraq or Afghanistan,
we don't have skin in the game.
The Israelis are being, you know,
attacked as they are attacking as well.
But I'm just saying it's personal.
That's a great point.
Because after 9-11,
there was a surge in enrollment.
So you are right.
You are right.
When they stick it to you on your home turf
or anywhere, when they stick it to you,
you do feel stronger about fighting.
Yeah.
But a reservist,
I always thought that was the woman
that answered the phone at a restaurant.
Yeah, no, no.
Oh, that's a hostess.
That's a hostess.
No, you're the one reserving at that point. I get it, though. Oh, that's a hostess. That's a hostess. No, you're the one reserving at that point.
I get it, though.
Oh, that's true.
But yeah, I can't imagine.
Like, is there macchianos here?
Or at least Turkish coffee from the region?
Nothing.
This canteen isn't holding the heat of my cafe latte.
Is this canteen a whatever the big brand now is?
The $40 water holders that my daughters have?
Excuse me, sir.
There's sand in my canteen.
Well, yeah, we're in the desert.
Are these the only style goggles that we, this is it?
Okay.
Bring out your dead.
Okay.
A funeral home worker responsible for transporting dead bodies in a Nebraska county is suspended.
Sorry, is suspected of having an intimate encounter with a life-size sex doll he found in the apartment of a deceased person, according to court records.
Investigators say Ryan Smith, 41, and a colleague were dispatched last week to a home in Omaha to collect the body of an individual who
died there. Near the body on the bed was a very real life-sized sex doll, an investigator reported.
Police alleged that Smith subsequently called the property manager and claimed that the local
sheriff had asked him to remove the sex doll to collect swabs for a biopsy smith's strange request was denied by the manager
who later returned to the apartment to discover that smith was inside the unit literally does
unit mean sex doll and it had been locked with a deadbolt and shade yeah that's quality time yeah
after smith exited the home with his shirt untucked and his pants in disarray and in a great mood,
the property manager called cops who later busted Smith on a felony burglary charge.
A post arrest examination revealed the sex doll to be, quote, sticky.
And it appeared that, quote, something had rubbed her inner thighs.
A deputy collected the sex doll so that it could be processed for DNA.
Well, really, the key is
don't leave evidence.
That's the thing.
Even if she's rubber,
wear a rubber.
And just imagine the sound.
It would sound like Fast and the Furious.
They would just be...
What does that sound? Sc tires oh rubber squealing like a tokyo drift yeah i got it well they can't fire this guy he's probably the only employee who's not sleeping with the corpses
i mean what's the big deal on this story it's like it would be how much more disturbing if
like the corpse had evidence of touching the inner thigh and was sticky yeah that's true that's true he sublimated
and he transferred all healthy i've heard in couples therapy i think it was a very smart
dead woman i think the woman was like oh god i think i'm gonna be dying in my bed this week
and uh i don't want to be fucked while I'm dead.
Yeah.
So let me order a sex doll.
Yeah.
And put it right next to me in the bed.
Put some perfume on it, some lipstick, bent it over.
Why was it on the bed, by the way?
Well, here's the thing, and I'll be honest with you.
If you leave a sex doll in a guy's apartment, he's fucking it.
I don't care who it is.
Even if it's a priest and it's a female sex doll,
if you're alone with it, you're going to have your way with it.
Yeah.
Was it?
Oh, it just said deceased person.
Yeah, so we don't know if it was a man or a woman.
You're definitely betting man.
Oh, interesting.
Yeah.
Maybe I did read somewhere.
I'm going back through this.
But anyway, yeah, it would probably have to be a man. Yeah. Maybe I did read somewhere. I'm going back through this. But anyway, yeah, it would probably have to be a man.
Yeah.
All right, let's skip this next one and get to...
Women never need the whole body, huh?
Nope.
I've never thought about that before.
Men even get a chopped off torso.
Although their first sex doll for a woman is a horse.
A lot of women break their hymen on that horse.
They got the arms around the horse country.
Yeah.
Whore country.
Whore's country.
Let's skip this next one and go right to this one.
All right.
The California serial killer.
Keeping it light.
Who murdered two family members and then five
random strangers
told authorities
he killed
his pedophile cellmate
because
he was a slob
justifiable
Raymond
Raymond
Escobar
Ramon
Ramon Escobar
who was the piano
player in Peanuts
was charged
with killing cellmate Juan Villanueva months after prison guards found the convicted child rapist dead in his cell.
When an officer arrived to check on Villanueva, Escobar alleged, without being questioned, confessed out of the blue.
Villanueva was sentenced to life in prison last year
for sexually assaulting a child under 14
and arrived in February just days before his slaying.
Yeah, you don't last long.
No, if you're a pedophile, especially you don't last long,
and then add being a slob to it,
keep your side of the cell neat don't
give him a fucking excuse you're fucking me here on the toiletry shelf of what am i under 14 yeah
right yeah um that is an amazing thing that a guy who's a serial killer has this calm
this conscience like there really is a pecking order in prison. Being a serial killer is maybe even
respected or at least feared. Well, I don't think it was an accident that they're like,
what cell should we put the child fucker in? I got an idea. How about the guy who likes hospital
corners on his sheets? And if they don't do it, he's killed six of them in a row.
hospital corners on his sheets and if uh they don't do it he's killed six of them in a row the only mess he likes is blood after killing a fucking child molester yeah
oh man all right a uh a north carolina family we're keeping it light oh my god well it's a
halloween episode okay a north carolina family is upset after their loved one's body was mistaken for a halloween
decoration and left outside for days that's enough right there no punch lines nothing else was there
a sex doll right next to him robert owens family discovered that a lawn care worker mowed around
his near naked body thinking it was a prop days later someone else made the gruesome discovery don't know how you
can do that said owens sister haley shu mow right beside someone and assume that they're halloween
decorations wait so what did she want like he should have done he should have mowed right over
it right yeah now we have to bury it or cremate it he had the mower it the mulch, built-in mulch. Family members admit Owens was known to do drugs.
They say, however, that doesn't explain how he ended up where he did.
Police don't suspect foul play, but are investigating his death.
Thought he was a Halloween decoration?
Had he curled into a tight ball and turned orange?
Did he have one of those dead boners sticking out of the top?
Well,
now the Owens family figures are going to put them on the roof with some
reindeer and get,
just get through the holiday season.
Why not?
Right.
Yeah.
First we're going to put some,
some feathers on them.
Yeah.
And,
and then after that,
maybe a year long thing and put them in a little jockey uniform with a
lantern on the front lawn.
Why not? Just somebody heads up to the groundskeeper. It's a, him in a little jockey uniform with a lantern on the front lawn why not just somebody heads up to the groundskeeper it's a it's a lawn jockey it's like a formal weekend at bernie's where it's just always a dead guy as some ornamental decoration i mean it
is pretty spooky when you think about like folklore in your neighborhood that you talk about on
halloween yeah how about the dead guy on the abandoned lawn?
That's the best haunted
house in town.
Are you going to ring
that doorbell?
Right.
They should have him there
with a bucket full of candy
just sitting there out front.
Just take one.
You pick out a Tootsie Roll,
it's his finger.
Scared kids are like,
go, parents, just go.
No!
Here's your story.
Lesbian on our way.
The divorce rate for lesbians is the highest among all marriages.
The lesbian divorce rate was 78% in 2016, 74% in 2017, then back up to 75% in 2018.
percent in 2017 then back up to 75 percent in 2018 according to one family law professional the factors that lead lesbians to divorce are the very same ones that lead women in the heterosexual
marriages to petition for divorce at a rate about twice as high as men these factors include
feeling ignored in a marriage unequal relationship with one partner
pulling the weight in the marriage, and then there's adultery and domestic violence. Huh? Yeah.
I think the other thing is it's a same sex marriage, which, you know, when you don't have a penis, is the same sex, same sex, same sex.
I mean...
It's same sex?
I mean, there's no penis.
Right out of the gate?
How many positions are there?
You scissor, you 69 it, you call it a night.
Yeah, that's true.
Somebody had this joke about the 69 position.
He's like, what's the rush?
Right, I didn't see that. I think the joke about the 69 position is like, what's the rush? Right. I didn't see that.
I think the problem is here is everyone in these marriages is married to a woman.
I mean, it's that simple. That's the problem.
Yeah. Yeah. It's like Bill Burr talked about a little bit like, oh, like he's like, I have more in common with a lesbian than I thought,
because she has to go home to a woman.
No wonder she's out walking in a bad mood. Like I am. Right. Right.
Both people going, I think we need to talk more about this. I know.
But you know, I did see someone, I came across it on social media,
but someone, I don't know if it was a therapist,
but was like this might point out
that to women that maybe some of this is on us in other words if the complaint is feeling ignored
and we blame men for that and stereotypically you know the men who are from mars for that
and now though you're married to a woman and it's happening And it's the number one stated reason
And it's a skyrocket
I mean it's a
It's a higher divorce rate
Than when you're
You know
Married to men
That maybe it's
It's the dynamic
And your needs
That have to be looked at
Yeah it's not
Is the bar too high
Right right
It's not a
It's not
Yeah
I think the other thing that works against lesbian marriage
is having him to go to wnba games because you bring that shit home with you even when you win
it's like yeah but we scored 13 points and it kills the gay guys who are married because they're
paying like six times as much to go to nba games. And they're like so envious of these lesbians paying $3.
Game time.
Game time.
Get it now.
Speaking of great companies we like to talk about,
PrizePix is the largest independently owned daily fantasy sports platform
in North America.
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It's just you against the numbers.
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Instead, you pick more than or less than
on two to six player stat projections
and watch the winnings roll in, Mike.
It's really simple to play.
You make your picks, submit the entry in less than 60 seconds.
That's what I love about it.
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Nice.
Yeah, it's pretty sweet.
And, you know, if you like sports, it's fun to watch.
But when you're using PrizePix, you just get that much more into watching the game.
Yeah, you make your entries on the Daily Fantasy.
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All right, back to the call to action here.
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It's highly, oh, here we go.
Where's the rest of it?
Oh, do we have to spell out papers?
This is my first time reading this.
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Danny, Daily Fantasy, place your entries, player projections.
It's great.
Okay.
Are we making America Florida?
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's make America Florida.
Are you crinkling?
What happened to you?
I'm not doing a lot of crinkling so far.
Daryl Davidson was arrested and charged with criminal mischief after an incident that unfolded on Friday.
The 39-year-old man was reportedly yelling and belligerent outside a woman's home.
That's when he tried to get inside by kicking the door open.
Davidson entered the woman's home and sat on her couch, deputies said.
He didn't try to commit any crimes while inside, but he did ask for water and something to smoke.
The man was taken into custody at his home nearby.
Deputies say he spontaneously kicked the woman's door in because he was trying to warn her that she was in danger maybe it was like listen you are in danger somebody just kicked your door in and they are incredibly threatening
and thirsty oh i gotta take a load off i'm just gonna sit down here but you need to know this
it's gonna be very disruptive i mean we got to start taking America's water shortage more seriously.
People are getting desperate.
There's so much water in Florida.
I don't know what this guy's problem is.
I mean, how do you react to this?
Do you get the water first or do you call the police first?
I'm getting a full-blown lunatic his glass of water.
Yeah, get the glass of water.
Right, right.
I don't know.
Maybe a way to put some Ambien in it, like glass of water. Yeah, get the glass of water. For sure. Right, right. I don't know, maybe a way to
put some Ambien in it?
Like ten of them? Let's go over to
Australia. We're gonna make
Australia Florida. Once again
an Australian has gone viral
for fighting with a muscled marsupial
and once again it was to
save his dog. Quote,
I'm gonna punch your fucking head
in the man tells the kangaroo,
which presumably does not speak Australian English.
Let my dog go.
Then the dog's owner acts to save his best friend,
appearing to strike out at the kangaroo.
The response was swift.
Muscles quickly twitch, and in a flash of sinew and claw,
the video cuts to black as the phone goes underwater.
Muffled sounds of combat are heard
before the kangaroo is seen again,
seemingly unbothered, but without his canine prey.
What did Raymond Chandler write this article?
I would say the kangaroo was nonplussed.
Yes.
The man laughs and the camera briefly shows his dog
safe on the riverbank.
Yeah. I wonder how dogs react to seeing their owners The man laughs and the camera briefly shows his dog safe on the riverbank.
Yeah.
I wonder how dogs react to seeing their owners punch an animal in the face.
Like you'd be out on a walk like,
take a shit now or I'm going to punch you in the fucking face.
Yeah.
It's like putting a dog down in front of your kid.
Behave, motherfucker.
And the dog was pissed because the guy just walked in on what was happening. The dog was about fuck the kangaroo is that what it was yeah he had an erection kangaroo was like thank
god he broke this up imagine fucking a kangaroo no or a dog for that matter uh let's get all
international on it all All right. Going around the world.
A 21-year-old computer scientist
named Luke Farator
just became the first person
in nearly 2,000 years
to read words from a papyrus scroll
that was buried under more than 60 feet
of volcanic ash in the disastrous eruption of mount vesuvius in 79 ce what's ce is that it's
the same as ad okay a town that was a we know what it was the scrolls were found in 1752
uh and they belonged ready for this.
Yeah.
Julius Caesar's father-in-law.
So they decoded the message.
It said,
my nephew's a fucking douche.
God.
Wait,
is it son-in-law?
It's his father-in-law.
His father-in-law is.
What's the nephew though?
Well,
his nephew.
Oh,
my son-in-law.
Jesus. Joke police.
You get it. You get it it the other joke was he right
they they deciphered and said guys if you want to really get ripped abs let me tell you five
secrets you've been dying to know they're not sure these are legitimate though Because the date said 79 AD's nuts Oh no
Yeah it did
It did
Yeah
Wow
Yeah
It's weird
Everybody
Everything old is new
I know
I mean
It's an old joke apparently
AD's nuts
Yeah
Well here's a
An old
Very old joke
And that's why I think
Of the Roman Empire all the time
They were ahead on so many
They were ahead on AD's nuts
They predicted that.
Right.
Yeah.
All right.
What do we got?
The Caesar haircut, the salad.
Oh, yeah.
This day in history.
All right.
In a televised speech of extraordinary gravity,
President JFK announces on October 22 22nd 1962 that u.s spy
planes have discovered soviet missiles in cuba these missile sites under construction but nearly
nearing completion housed medium-range missiles capable of striking a number of major cities
including dc kennedy announced that he was ordering a naval quarantine of cuba to prevent
soviet ships from transporting any more offensive weapons to the island and explained that the U.S. would not tolerate the existence of the missile sites in place.
The president made it clear that America would not stop short of military action.
This was crazy.
To end what he called a clandestine, reckless and provocative threat to world peace.
and provocative threat to world peace.
I mean, it's pretty amazing that this guy who was a young president
who was not in office that long
to take on a world power
and apparently like
there was back channels going on.
We don't even realize what he really did,
which was he back channeled talks to Khrushchev.
There was a lot going on that America never knew about.
Which was amazing.
I forget what book came out where that was,
or I forget how it was released, but it's in the last five, 10 years.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
So he stood him down, Cuban Missile Crisis,
and it kind of saved his ass because he had just fucked up the Bay of Pigs.
Right.
But this was tense, man.
This was like a real sort of face-off.
Yeah, so Khrushchev backed down, and we're here today.
I look forward to the clandestine corrections next week.
What did I say?
Clendestine, I think. No, I didn't. Something like clandestine corrections next week. What did I say? Clandestine, I think.
No, I didn't.
Something like clandestine?
St. Augustine?
Speaking of which, let's go letters to the editor.
Let's do it.
Ryan Maloney, a good Irishman from Erie, Colorado, says,
Two things.
Wanted to share a picture of me and my family at an AV at an Avs preseason game.
family at an AV at an abs preseason season game. We scored tickets in the 11th row on the,
on the shoot twice side for under $50.
Come on time.
Look at this.
This isn't even part of our read.
No second.
Another listener who has written in the past has recently got engaged.
If you could congratulate Dan and Carrie from Nederland,
Colorado on their engagement, I certainly would appreciate it.
He listens to the show every Sunday in the shower before he gets the day going.
Nice.
Is it Nederland?
Is it the day going or the gay doing?
The gay doing.
I mean, you inverted it.
Yeah.
So be careful to carry.
Lather up, buddy.
Is he going to make it?
How long are his showers?
He's never going to make it to letters to the editor.
He's going to be late for work.
Yeah, I know.
And what kind of speaker does he have in the shower?
Well, they're engaged.
Listen, just don't go lesbian on us and get divorced like three-quarters of the other lesbians.
Yeah, keep your stats close to 50% instead of 75%.
Yeah, keep it healthy.
Speaking of unhealthy, obituary time.
Oh, boy.
And that's all, folks.
That's not a good segue.
Suzanne Somers was not healthy.
She was an actress best known for her star as Chrissy Snow
in the sitcom Three's Company.
She was an actress best known for her star as Chrissy Snow in the sitcom Three's Company.
She helped make it one of the biggest hit TV hits of the 70s.
And she played the bubbly blonde Chrissy.
Let me tell you something.
She was so sexy because she was like Jenny McCarthy. She was like silly and fun, seemed like a good hang, and happened to have the greatest rack on television.
And not a fan
of bras whenever she did you know when she was out in the wild she was braless out in the wild
you know i i don't think it's in this obituary she i didn't read it but she i think was discovered in
the nbc commissary by johnny carson really. I think she was there as background actress for something or other.
And then he discovered her.
I think.
Define discovered.
I had sex with her.
No,
I don't know,
but I discovered her mouth on his guy.
I have no idea what went on,
but I do recall.
Maybe we'll Google that.
I do recall that.
I think he was a part of her rise.
Maybe he got her an audition or something like that i'm gonna google it as you keep but she played the dumb blonde but in fact she was actually a
very intelligent woman she was fired from three's company in the fifth season when she demanded a
large pay raise so her compensation would match ridders they refused and she was replaced by another blonde roommate.
This was not the
end of her career. She starred in Hollywood
Wives. Then she had her own
sitcom. She's the Sheriff in 87.
The widely
panned show featured Summers as a
woman who was appointed sheriff.
Oof. Yeah, that sounds
Hmm.
What, her other sitcom?
She was in American Graffiti.
I think it was terrible.
In 1973.
Oh, right!
In American Graffiti,
which I just watched with the kids recently.
What are you kidding me?
She was the woman
that he was following all night.
Yes, she drove the whole thing.
Right.
She was the driving force.
You know, do you realize
that movie was 24 hours or not even
it was one night it was one night in a town i can't remember what town it was
it's a small city what are we talking about american graffiti it's not burbank or i think
you're right it was somewhere in california it might have been well i mean bob's big boy
is featured in it i don't know if that's because it's shot there. Here's a story I found on her discovery.
One fateful day in 1974,
Suzanne Somers was discovered
just one week after moving to Hollywood.
The unforgettable moment took place
on the iconic Carson Tonight Show.
During the show,
Carson introduced Suzanne Somers,
who had recently caught his attention
while working on another show in the NBC building.
Wait, she was on a show within a week of moving to LA?
None of this is making sense.
That's what happens.
Suzanne, known for her beauty and talent, had also written a book of poems.
Her multifaceted talents intrigued Carson.
And he wanted his audience to have the opportunity to meet this young and promising star.
As she made her first appearance on the show, she couldn't help but feel a mix of excitement and nervousness.
Blah, blah.
God, they're stretching this out.
Well, in the 90s, she was, you remember, she had the Thighmaster.
He spotted her in the NBC commissary enjoying a meal while simultaneously taking in some ox.
Whatever.
I hate this article.
But anyway, there was something to that.
Yeah, Thighmaster.
I remember those ads.
I mean, she made a lot.
She probably made more money shucking the Thighmaster than she did on those sitcoms.
Well, I mean, it's almost like the George Foreman grill.
He just lent his name to that.
And then, of course, he was a spokesperson.
But that machine stopped more date rape in the nineties than coffee.
We're keeping our legs together. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, another sad obituary we learned about today was
Bert Young who played Pauly in the Rocky movies. Um, Adrian's brother, one of the best character
actors, Queens bread actor. Um, let's see. He was a Hollywood tough guy in films like Chinatown.
Once upon a time in America,
Rocky was in the Sopranos.
He was nominated for an Academy award for Rocky,
but Burgess Meredith was also nominated for in the same category,
supporting actor.
So that never works out.
They split the boat.
Right.
I don't think Burgess won.
I'm almost certain he did
But anyway
He was
He was
Paulie was so great
And so real
Didn't he have like
180 acting credits
On IMDB or something
Yeah we looked him up today
Because we were like
What else was he in
And
He was in
Chinatown
Did you say that already
Yeah yeah yeah
But you know
We found the list
And it was a lot and it was a lot.
Yeah, it was a lot of big hit things.
Speaking of hit things, let's get to the funnies.
Yes, sir.
As this paper loses all its crinkliness.
Just in time.
We got Leroy is leaning over Loretta's shoulder.
She's on the laptop.
They look sad.
He goes, how is it the neighbor's dog's Instagram account
has more followers than we do?
You know what?
That one's too true.
It just seems weird that these two,
with all their financial problems,
marital problems,
are worried about their Instagram feed.
It looks like he's about to strangle her.
Maybe that's what's going on.
That will get him.
He's distracting her,
pretending to be,
you know, care about this dog's Instagram.
I'll get him some likes.
And now my favorite ones are when Leroy is at a cocktail party
dancing like a fool.
See the bottom right one?
Yeah, he's on the lane.
He's got his tie is flopping.
Loretta's standing there with her hands on her hips, very angry.
And he says to the blonde, buxom woman he's dancing with which i they never explain
why these tens are dancing with leroy and they seem happy yeah and he goes uh that's my wife
loretta uh commissioner of the fun police not only is he making an ass of himself yeah
desecrating his marriage vows,
he's insulting her right in front of this woman.
That's going to be a long car ride home.
And right in front of Commissioner of the Fun Police also.
She's within earshot.
Hager comes home with a bag of loot and his son.
They both have horns in their helmets.
And it's two generations of Vikings.
Product of rape.
Go ahead.
Helga does not look happy.
And he goes, look at this haul, Helga.
And she goes, you took our son on a raid?
And then they open the bag and it's filled with toys.
And he goes, we got lucky at the carnival.
But at some point, Hager will take his son on a raid.
It's the family business.
He's going to understand what lucky means,
the real word lucky to a Viking.
Lucky is not being in the castle as a female.
Yeah, forget getting lucky at a carnival.
You're going to get lucky in Sweden.
You're going to get lucky in England.
You're going to get lucky in Ireland.
You're going to be lucky if they find all the handmaidens
and they get exhausted sexually before they find you.
Yeah.
Let's do Farside.
Farside. Here we go.
So it's a picture of the door's been opened and a werewolf has come through the door.
And you can see him like with ripped clothes, kind of like the Hulk.
He's expanded out of his human wear.
And then there's a homeowner who's shooting a gun.
Blam, blam.
And then, let me see, how should I do this?
So, moments, here's what it says.
Moments before he was ripped to shreds,
Edgar vaguely recalled having seen that same obnoxious tie
earlier in the day.
It's this polka dot tie and the thought bubble is
it's edgar at the gun shop and there's a guy sitting there with the with the same tie and
it's a man and he's like oh yes i guarantee these bullets are pure silver he was playing a long game
on that one long game is right. What a true predator. Yeah.
Speaking of predators, Dagwood is answering the phone in a red sweater
and shoes that look like they're three sizes too big.
And somebody says, is this Dagwood Bumstead?
He goes, this is Dagwood Bumstead.
And then you hear, wait, seriously?
This is just a prank call.
What are the unbelievable odds your name is almost as funny
as what I totally made up?
And now Dagwood walks into the kitchen, looks a little glum.
Where's Blondie?
At the fucking stove with an apron on like a slave.
And she goes, who was it, dear?
And he goes, someone who should probably just go buy a lottery ticket.
I mean, i never really
thought about his name it's a little meta this this it's a little like well this comes off the
heels remember last week where uh she asked if he was the real dagwood bums yeah what's is there a
big identity thing is this a is this all of us on a black mirror i think we're gonna find out a blondie mirror that blondie has been asleep
for this entire strip having a horrible nightmare of unrequited love and unsexual deadbeat sleeping
on the couch who she cooks for and now she's gonna wake up and realize she's alive there's hope
yeah maybe she wished in a previous kind of life she wished for like i just need a
time out i just need i want a man who doesn't want to have sex with me who isn't like what
even if i it my tits slapped him in the face he wouldn't even wake up yeah he just wants to eat
big sandwiches all day i just want that because i just divorced an animal yeah and then she's in
this life and she's forgot it
was like a genie wish and she's forgotten all about it watch what you wish for if i had any
advice for anybody and i'll give this to the shout out of the young couple that's engaged that we
just that we just uh gave wishes to is if you're a guy if you don't have a drinking problem drink
more even if you don't want it and then when you really fuck up in the marriage, just go, honey, I'll get help.
And then you go get sober and she's got to take you back.
Oh, yeah.
Create a one one one step on the way.
Right, right, right.
Yeah, yeah.
I like that a lot.
All right.
You know what else I like a lot is our sponsors.
We want to remind you guys, don't forget, go to game time to get your tickets, go to
better help to get your mental health
and if you want to engage in uh i want to say it right because it's specific how you should say
clandestine if you want to say clandestine leroy um if you want to do uh maybe clean this up and edit.
If you want to do daily fantasy sports,
then you're going to go to PrizePix.
Okay.
Thank you to Midcoast Media for being here with us day in and day out supporting this podcast.
Yep.
And thank you to your girlfriend for hosting me this weekend.
Yeah, look at you.
You brought an eye mask because this is a pretty light room. Oh at the moon you got tonight oh nice yeah all right we're off to see
jason isbell let's do it man let's hit the ryman see you guys later do you think that that woman
with the giant jugs is going to run down the aisle tonight is that part of the ryman every night no
matter what the show is amazing like price be amazing. Like Price is right. Every night somebody runs down the aisle.
Or like Big Ben, you know when it's going to go off.
It's like, yeah, right before encore is this woman runs down the aisle of the Ryman.
The unknown comic on the Gong Show.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I love it.
All right, everybody.
I think you should take it eesh.
Take it eesh.
Woo.
And 789.
789.
789.
789.
Read all about it. 789. Read all about it. 789. Be all about it. Be all about it. Be all about it. Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Be all about it.
Did we start?
That's the start?
Did we start?
That's the start?
Did we start?