Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 19 7/12/20

Episode Date: July 12, 2020

Don’t miss what you missed this week as we cover the heat wave, Jada Pinkett Smith and The Catholic Church getting  a $3B Gov’t payout. 

Sunday paper's gonna make it alright. Sunday paper's gonna make it alright. Sunday paper's gonna make it alright. Sunday paper's after Saturday night. Read all about it! Sunday papers are here. I know you read Saturday's paper and you were like, this seems not complete. You read Tuesday's paper and you were like, fuck, man, I can't wait five days. Well, it's here. We're here. None of those were worth a podcast. You're not like the Wednesday papers. Yeah.

Now. It seems a little thin. Sunday. And by the way, I think we're the only podcast that publishes on Sunday. Everybody else is like, we'll do it on Monday. Everybody overthinks it. No, we just fucking do it Sunday morning. Instead of sitting there, and first of all, we're preaching to the unconverted

because most of you have never read a Sunday paper. But when you read the paper, you learn from your father as a kid that to turn the page on the Sunday Times, you have to you have to grasp the top corners and give it a flip. And that's the only way you can turn the page without it all crumpling and falling apart. I also got a lesson from my insane father who read like at least, at least three or four papers a day. He gave me the subway tutorial on how to read a paper in the subway with, it was, it was like folding like a magician would fold it like to pour milk in it to do a trick.

Like you're folded both the whole thing. It's like in quarters almost. Yeah. And so you can read one panel at a time and he's like, this is how they were designed. And whatever. I'm like 14. It's probably why I don't read. See, I'm jealous that your dad's still alive. The worst thing about your father dying is that I've I learned so much from my dad in the whatever, 25 years that he was in my life. But then you realize like how much more

you keep learning as you go through different stages of your life that he's been through. That he can give you advice on. And your dad is like the ultimate kind of mentor dad. He just he has so much knowledge. Well, the great thing about your dad living long, if I may say so, is you're finally open to that advice. Right. Like you and I were, you know, stuffing up your ass whenever they were trying to impart wisdom on us.

Yeah. You know, when we're in our teens and 20s. So, you know, there's a great saying about great novels, like really when you return to your favorite book. And I think it's when you reread a classic, you learn not more about the book, but more about yourself. And I think that's similar to parental advice, if it's good advice or having your parents around, because even if he's giving imparting the same advice, I'm learning, you know, I've learned so much more about myself and, you know, and also I'm watching kind of one version of a future version of myself, you know, and. And he's turning 80 next week, right? He just turned 80 July 7th. Wow.

Yeah. Shit. He's a young 80, man. He's a even though he's had some health concerns, he's a young 80. Yeah, he's sharp. He's, you know, he's he moves a mile a minute. So the heart, the heart just has to keep up with him, but his mind is definitely not slowing down.

As long as you don't start dressing like him, he dresses like an asshole. He started that late in life. He was very conservative before that. And all of a sudden he's like, yeah, I need color. Yeah. Well, it happens when you move to Florida. The green pants and the pink shirts and the white blazer. I haven't seen what his mask looks like, but Florida doesn't wear masks. So why am I even bringing that up? Well, Florida doesn't wear masks. And let's get into it. Let's get into the paper, Mike.

Extra! Extra! We all about it! Extra! Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Hey now. Welcome, well first of all, welcome back. Not first of all, fifth of all. Welcome back everybody. This, uh, it does keep getting crazier. With COVID? The country, really. Yeah. here. If COVID? The country, really. Yeah. So anyway, I guess that's our lead story,

but I hope everyone's doing all right. I think it's kind of discouraging. It's really, I think there was a little false hope for a while. And that false hope seems to be getting quashed everywhere you look. No, it's literally like when you're put on penicillin and then you don't finish taking the entire bottle. That's what we did. We were so close. That's a good analogy. Yeah. I once had chlamydia and I was on tetracycline and then I had a couple pills left and I had sex with this girl, of course, with no condom and she didn't catch it. But that was like and I was dating her and that was the most nervous I ever felt because I hadn't caught the chlamydia from her. Anyway, Sunday Papers is here and you were waiting, you were holding on to the tablets like, listen, I'm going to get this again.

I don't want to go to the doctor. I think three is enough for the next round. Right. Hair of the dog. Yeah. Yeah. Or that's your little gift. They wake up.

You're gone. There's three little pills on their pillow. This will get you started. I would take these if I were you. Yeah. The school clinic is down on Commonwealth Avenue, just below. All right, so the COVID, Jesus, it is not going anywhere, especially certain states. It's spiking. It's going everywhere, actually. Yeah, eight states have set the single day records this week. Alabama, Arizona, Florida, Mississippi, North Carolina, Texas.

So, so much for the theory about hot weather kills the coronavirus. It's July and those are literally the hottest states in the country. I think the virus may be caused by belts, like the Bible belt. Yeah. I think, yeah, I think that might be.

Yeah, the place, yeah, Jesus, that might be. Yeah. The place. Yeah. Jesus. Jesus is not taking care of his people. They're doing them. Well, the problem is they believe in Jesus, but they don't believe in Corona. So they're not actually praying for Jesus to help them. Yeah.

They've got the hotline. They're not using the phone. Or it's not being picked up for some weird reason. I don't know. Forgive them, Father. They know not what they've done. God created the virus, too. I mean, let's not forget that, you egomaniacs. Wow, that's true.

Well, you know, it's how we control the population of the earth. We've got, you know, what, triple the population that we had in like the 1930s right now. And without any major world wars, there has to be pestilence. There's population control. Maybe that's why China has so many people, because they're already talking about the other viruses like that are in the batter circle. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're already talking about the other viruses like that are in the batter circle. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're already talking about.

I mean, because just like this one was absolutely inevitable, the next one is too. Yeah. And I heard the flu might be really bad this year. And wait, I mean, I didn't look it up, but was it the bubonic? Some plague was just found. Was it in Mongolia? Anyway, yeah, there's stirrings. I mean, listen, the press like to write about these things to scare us,

but there are other pandemics potentially brewing. Yeah. Well, maybe the heat, maybe it's hotter in those states because of the temperatures of the people that live there from the coronavirus. That's what's causing the heat wave? That's what's causing the heat wave. My bedroom's 104. Honey, honey, don't go outside. You're going to heat the climate.

It's hot, right? Like just, you know, they're not even checking the temperatures. Everyone agrees. I'm going to say it's 103 and it's three in the morning. You know, so the government

and all these, during this heat, there's a heat wave that's going on. It's like Arizona is going to be 113.zona is going to be 113 phoenix would be 116 and uh so it's it is it's all the corona states are having a heat wave and uh and you know the government is telling people to stay inside because of the heat

these are the same people that the government was telling to wear a mask and they went fuck you and i'm just wondering like are these people now like beating up air conditioners? Are they wearing down parkas and ski hats as a fuck you? I am not going to be told what to do. Yes. Another government conspiracy telling us it's hot out. Oh, slip and slide. Go fuck yourself.

I'm going to stand by a slip and slide and knock people off of it while they're trying to cool down. Yeah. I see the temperatures around here too. Even Palm Springs, which is desert, of course, but 116 also.

Well, LA 116 also. Well, L.A. has been nice. We got a fucking nice summer so far. It's been in the 70s. It's like 78. I've been to the beach. Ready for this? Five days straight I've been in the ocean. By the way, the water is so clear and warm.

It's great. Yeah, and nice little waves to ride. I went down with my wife a couple times. It's great. Yeah. And nice little waves to ride. I went down with my wife a couple of times. It's been awesome. Nice. Um, so what's going on for you mentioned something's going on in Florida. Oh yeah. So Florida story kind of all for this is, um, COVID-19 cases. Oh, thank you. Florida news. Florida should have its own section. COVID-19 cases topped 250,000 with 10,360 new cases and 95 new deaths. And while South Florida is a world epicenter of coronavirus infections, the partying continues.

Woo! Y'all, come on, Jim Bob. Let's get on a boat. Meet up with 50,000 other boats. Pulsing parties in swanky South Beach mansions, raging raves in Miami warehouses, which we'll get to in a minute, backyard bashes in Palm Beach manors, where all the teenagers drink late into the night. According to the Florida Department of Health, the median age of those infected by the virus in Florida has plummeted in recent months. It used to be 65 at the beginning of March. And this Wednesday, it is 39 years old. Damn. Meaning half the people are under 39.

Half the people are under 39. Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Jimenez has singled out the pandemic parties for accelerating the spread. The organizers of one July 4th event say some 250 people attended their Miami warehouse party like it was still 2019. That was the quote in the paper, which reminded me of the Prince song. Yeah. Say, say, 2-0-2-0 party over, oops, out of time. So tonight I'm going to party like it's 2-0-1-9. I just slaughtered that.

The party's organizer said his company has been hired to put on several events during the pandemic and it has done its part to keep revelers safe from the virus. Everybody wants to party. It's Miami. Everybody's looking for the next party, says Solomon Helu, owner of MIA Entertainment. MIA. That's the outfit that I know. That's the outfit that organized this pandemic party. So Ashley Davis, who attended the party, said, are you going to read the entire newspaper? Well, no. Here's Ashley, though. I like Ashley's take on it. This is the end of it. Only 10 more minutes. No, Ashley Davis, who attended the party, quote, they offered preventative measures that no one else did. To me, that seems innovative.

They took our temperature at the door and we walked through a sanitizing machine. If there are ways to support our local economy while being safe, why wouldn't we do that? Good question, Ashley. Maybe Dr. Eileen Martin, a girl in Miami who instead of partying became a doctor. Maybe she has the answer. She says that in Miami-Dade, roughly one in four people are positive. So if you have 250 people at your indoor rave, one in four is positive. That means 60 people are shedding the virus while you are, quote, supporting the economy. Have fun. Have fun in the warehouse, Ashley. I love that there's a sanitizing machine in Miami before you go into a party. That thing should have a water blasting thing hitting your undercarriage.

I mean, you talk about fucking diseases in Miami. Coronavirus, that's a side story. We're talking chlamydia, AIDS. Side story. We're talking chlamydia, AIDS. I also think a machine that just sprays white claw on you as you walk through it isn't going to do much. That's not the type of alcohol that's needed. Yeah, Axe body spray and white claw is not going to stop Corona. And there's also, by the way, it's not just Corona that's killing people at these parties.

I read about a couple of the other parties. Shootings. Shootings are happening at these parties. I read about a couple of the other parties. Shootings. Shootings are happening at them also. Yeah. Cocaine addictions. And, yeah, there was this woman in Florida. Total Florida story. There was a woman who went to jail for having sex with a 13-year-old, I believe, student.

I'm not sure if it was a student or someone she knew. Went to jail for you know literally it's a charge of rape got out of jail married him marry the guy they stayed together for like 15 years and then she just died really i think of boredom because the guy had turned like 28. Imagine being in the two married and you're in two completely different risk groups for COVID. Like, yeah, I'd come but my wife, she's

70. Yeah, but dude, we're fucking, you know, we're having a Tarantino screening party. Yeah, I know, but I told you she's 76. We're fucking going to play Mafia and quarters and flip cup. Come on, man. We do it every third. I know, guys.

It's different now. It's different now. Now she can't play spin the bottle because she goes to sleep around 730. I thought you were going to say she goes to bed around the third spin. It just puts her to sleep. Did you ever play spin the bottle as a kid? I think there were failed efforts. I think I remember, I think, trying, but like, whatever.

Does that game really work? I did it. And it usually was just like the people, they would, everybody would game the bottle. And then you would make out if you were dating the person. And if not, it was like a kiss on the cheek. It was fucking lame. But are there boys in the room? How does it work?

It's only boys. And what is the deal? A girl is outside the circle? No, no. It goes boy, girl, boy, girl around. So a boy spins and it lands on a boy. What happens? Well, you pick the closest girl to where it lands.

Ah, I think we just kept re-spinning. Yeah. Although, you know, nowadays in 2020, maybe you kiss the boy. Yeah. Sure, Greg. Whatever. What a dreamer. Big tip. Down in New Jersey, there's a restaurant called The Starving Artist where a customer who's a regular came in and left a $1,000 tip.

The customer and his family ate their meal and left without saying a word. Then the waiter serving them saw the tip. She just started crying. Then another one of my staff members saw it and started crying too. And then I see it and I couldn't help but cry.

What a bunch of fucking crybabies. Well, the other two were crying because she's like, this does not go in the tip pool, fucking bitches. This was for me. Right. No, she was crying because they beat the shit out of her because she wasn't going to share it. Yeah. In fairness, the bill was $5,000.

So it was only a 20% tip. Imagine the service this guy's getting for the rest of his life. He walks in there, man, they're holding out his chair, filling up, you know, strong pours on his Ryan Ginger. Oh, yeah. How about the wife in the car ride home?

Like, $1,000. And you don't think she was cute? $1,000. Yeah, the she was cute? A thousand dollars. Yeah, the skirt was a little short, Henry. What do you think you're buying with that thousand, Henry? You're not going back there. Last night, you didn't tip the mail waiter a thousand dollars. I noticed that.

I noticed that. Let's get into coming off coronavirus, the Brazilian president. What's his name? Jair Bolsonaro. Jair. How do you say his name? He is massively unpopular. I have a Brazilian friend here in L.A.

And she's like, you know, the cheering that goes on every night, you know, which we were doing for the frontline workers. It's every night in Brazilian neighborhoods. There's a cheer, which is to get him out of office. Wow. Yeah. Jesus. Well, he's got covid and he announced it first. he got up without a mask on and announced that he has COVID. And now the press corps is suing him for endangering them. Sounds like a

good model to follow. Yeah, right. Imagine that. That may happen elsewhere. That's like a guy banging you with no condom and then saying on the fourth stroke, by the way, I've got Hep C. I just wanted to make an announcement. Yeah. So wait, he he wait. Well, maybe I didn't listen close enough. He gave welcome back to the ADHD podcast where each host drifts in and out of conversations. Drifts in and out of conversations Did I talk about the Miami rave in the warehouse yet?

He knew he had it and he gave press conferences without the mask? Yes Got it Because I think it's enough to sue him Which is what I thought I might have heard Which is not what I heard Which is just a guy flaunting Because you don't know.

Like, let's say it's Trump. Trump doesn't know he doesn't have it at certain points. You very often test negative when you're pre-symptomatic. So there's false negatives and all that. So he doesn't know for certain. And he's just flaunting it, not wearing a mask the entire time, not even when he can. Yeah. So that's enough to sue as well.

Never mind not disclosing that you have it with knowledge of it. In India, they have banned the sale of dog meat and halted the import and trading of dogs to be used for food. Apparently, 30,000 dogs a year are smuggled into India and thousands more are illegally captured for consumption from the streets or stolen from homes. Oh, I was going to say, like, if you're really just purely rational and you take a motion out of it, I really don't see the issue. I should just quit now. But I don't see the issue with, I don't know, the up in arms over dog meat. Is it because they're more conscious than a cow? Well, in India, you can't eat a cow.

Yeah. Right. Right. So there you go. Well, I guess so. I mean, we keep them as pets, but I think in a lot of countries, they're not kept as pets. They're only outdoor. You'd be considered insane

to have a dog inside of your house in some countries. Oh, never mind in your bed. I mean, in your bed is the next level of how they become, you know, a member of the family and all that stuff. But I mean, I imagine the meat is as good as any other.

Like, I have a Lasso Ap Lasso and he'd be delicious. He's got these nice meaty thighs. That's where I rub them the most because I love how meaty his thighs are. I'd eat the shit out of him. Yeah. And if the coronavirus keeps up, the pounds are going to be empty. If people don't get their jobs back, they're just going to be piling into the pounds like, yeah, I'm thinking about picking up a dog.

You got any Mastiffs? What's the old joke? What do you call a dog walker in Korea? Caterer? Yeah, it's a very old joke. But that's where we're heading in America. I love that your preamble that this is a really old joke somehow like distances you from the fact that you just told a racist joke. Oh, you're right. It is. I was thinking it was anti-dog. You're right.

Um, it's, uh, kind of, I get, I don't know. I don't, you'd think I know by now the definition of a racist joke cause I'm in the ha ha business. But if you're pointing out like Russians drink vodka. So if you make a joke about Russians drinking vodka, I don't know. Is that racist? Um, I guess, you know, if you're calling them alcoholicsics we don't have to go down that road well how about this it's the same thing with the Irish these and this isn't even

a joke but this is a true story there was these two guys sitting at a bar and they're drinking a lot and one of them says to the other one he says where are you from he goes I'm from Ireland and he says in what part he says I'm from County Kerry and what part? He says, I'm from County Kerry.

And what part of County Kerry are you from? Wait, stop, stop. You've told this long joke, I think twice. I know. Which is part of a meta level to the joke. But I know for a fact that Irish joke is not a racist joke. But for a fact. What about the fact that Irish?

You're not going to ask why? You're not going to ask why? Why? The Irish aren't a race. What are we? A nationality, dipshit. What's a race? Black, white, Asian?

I don't know. It gets, you know, listen, my ex-wife was Jewish. And so I told you that story with my mother-in-law she I'm like she's like uh you know your your daughters are Jewish I'm like well yeah I guess they're half whatever I am and she's like uh no no they're Jewish because it's it's the mother I'm like well that makes it sound like race then but even even so wouldn't, wouldn't they be half, let's say I'm Irish. She's like, Nope, they're Jewish. I'm like, hold on. I go, what if I was, you know, from Argentina, would they be half Argentinian? She's like, Nope, Nope, they're Jewish. I'm like, all right. So now

I'm, now I know I'm going to corner her. I'm like, okay, if I were black and we had these babies and they are clearly clear, they appear to be mixed race babies even then. And she's like, I don't want to have this conversation. That's great. For two reasons. One, she lost it. But two, she really did not like the subject matter. One, she lost it, but two, she really did not like the subject matter. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, the Irish, I would say, if there were a race, there was, you know, I mean, if we're going by tribes, the Irish were, we were raped by everybody.

The Gauls and, you know, the fucking Visigoths. Everybody swung through Ireland and raped. So we got a lot of mixed blood. Oh, yeah. My dad has black hair. That didn't come from the British Isles. That came from the Spaniards. Those bastards.

Oh, my God. We got to build a wall. All right. I got business news. Business news. I don't know why we crumple the papers. They add a effect too don't they sometimes they do okay this story disturbed me the U.S. Roman Catholic Church used a special and unprecedented exemption from federal rules to amass at least 1.4 billion in the taxpayer-backed coronavirus aid. What? With millions going to dioceses that have paid huge settlements

or sought bankruptcy protection because of clergy sexual abuse cover-ups. The church's haul may have reached or exceeded $3.5 billion, making it among the biggest winners in the government's handouts. Religious organizations aren't usually eligible because it's for small business administration, plus religious groups lobbied paid lobbyists and persuaded the Trump administration to free them from the rule that typically disqualifies an applicant with more than 500 workers. So without this preferential treatment, many of the dioceses would have been ineligible. Also, how about the fact that they don't pay taxes? They didn't pay into the pot. Don't even get me started. It seems many watchdogs haven't really sounded the alarm on this,

which was interesting to me. I'm no longer reading the article. It just was like, huh. But one did. And I did read about it. I was like, quote, the government grants special dispensation and that creates a kind of structural favoritism. And that favoritism was worth billions of dollars, said a University of Virginia law professor who specializes in constitutional issues. And I can tell by his name that he doesn't have a conflict of interest in maybe keeping this story quiet because this professor's name is Mika Schwarzman. Schwarzman was on this shit. Yeah. Even the Catholic church is like, let's get a Jewish lawyer. And why did the Catholic church need the money so badly uh get this abuse reports you think it's ancient history sexual abuse reports tripled during the year ending in june 2019 to a total

of nearly 4 500 nationally meanwhile the dioceses and the religious orders shelled out 282 million in 2019, up from 106 million just five years earlier. And most of that went to the settlements and legal fees to support the offending clergy. Just fucking make it illegal. Catholic Church, what company? Name a fucking company in the world that could have two cases of pedophilia and survive? Oh, in 2018, the pope, he ordered the former archbishop of Washington, Cardinal Theodore McCarrick. He was he was caught with following all these allegations of abuse to minors. Yeah, the pope ordered him to a life.

Keep in mind, it's a life sentence of prayer and penance. Wow. Yeah. That's what he got. Anyway, Los Angeles was a big story in this, in this article. And instead of reading it and boring you, I thought it'd be fun maybe to role play. I want to break down what happened in the Los Angeles archdioceses or whatever it is. So here's the interview between I'll be the government loan officer and you're

going to be Jose Horatio Gomez, the current archbishop of Los Angeles. All right. So I'm going to talk to you. Peace and love. Hi, Father Gomez. I'd call you Padre, but it sounds a little racist. Anyway, you've been Archbishop of Los Angeles since 2011? Yes, I have. And you're here for a loan, which legally you don't have to pay back, right? You understand that? Yes. Okay, cool. So let's take a look at your organization and its business model. Okay. Very good. Now, I understand your organization does a lot of good in the community and it runs schools. Oh, yes, yes. Very good. Oh, good.

And additionally, though, your organization has sex with tons of little boys. Am I reading that correctly? Well, tons is a lot. Wait, I'm sorry. You laughed, Archbishop? It just seems absurd that you're mounting these charges. But yes, in fact, it is a lot. Wait, I'm sorry. You laughed, Archbishop? It just seems absurd that you're mounting these charges. But yes, in fact, it is true. And when your organization is caught, you spend lots of money covering it up.

It's expensive. Well, you are an organized organization. I will give you that. Now, your predecessor, Cardinal Roger Mahoney, in 2007, he was found guilty of relocating in Los Angeles dozens of abusive priests and then paying a record-breaking settlement with 508 victims worth $660 million. Is that correct? Yes, but think of the profits for the moving companies, rider trucks, storage facilities. We do good. Now, you realize that shatters the previous record of your franchise in Boston. Your Los Angeles franchise shattered it. They paid $157 million to all the pedophilia victims. Did you know that? Unbelievable. They win that. They also won the World Series that year.

They won the Stanley Cup that year. The Bruins win the playoffs. Now, by the way, Boston, just a side note, it's called Beantown. You know why it's called Beantown? Why is that? Because the priests have been in all the little boys' buttholes. Is that an old joke? That's an old joke.

No, that's just a little humor to light up this interview. You know, banking is so boring. Anywho, let's get back to your loan, your forgivable loan. Now, Roger Mahoney, he got busted and relocated a priest, but he wasn't fired? We don't fire people in the church because we have a problem bringing in new people. So we try to work within the system. That's a very honest answer. He actually continued in his job until 2011, and then he got to the mandatory retirement age for bishops.

That's the only reason he left his office. So this loan is looking good because you're a loyal organization, and that's in the plus column, I got to say. But did things get better after you took over? I'd have to check the records. I don't have those at my fingertips right now. Oh, well, I can remind you. In 2014, you agreed to pay $13 million to settle 17 more sex abuse lawsuits in your diocese. That's right. It's coming back to me now. And you were found guilty of shielding priests, and you ordered church officials not to turn over a list of altar boys to the police who were asking you for them in the investigation.

We try to protect the kids. You know, that's the answer I was hoping to hear. I think this loan is almost yours. Just a couple more questions. You know what? I the answer I was hoping to hear. I think this loan is almost yours. Just a couple more questions. You know what? I don't even need anymore. I went to business school and it takes a while for corporate culture to change. And I know you're doing your best.

And I read here also going forward, you're preparing for a series of pending lawsuits, which are expected to be filed after the new California law, which will temporarily remove the statute of limitations on all the other children your employees have had sex with. Well, they're not children anymore. So there's that. I mean, you can't say that we're not protecting the children. These are grown men. You nailed it. There you go. Cool. Listen, I'm going to give you more than $23 million, Los Angeles alone. But also, you have to promise me when the reporters ask you about the money above $23 million, you will officially say you are not going to disclose the full dollar amount. Can you promise me that? Yes, absolutely. My hand on the Bible. Because I want to be able to trust... I'm not going to tell you where the other hand is, but one hand is on the Bible. Because I want to be able to trust. I'm not going to tell you where the other hand is, but one hand is on the Bible.

Well, I want to be able to trust you. And who am I kidding? I'm talking to a priest. Of course, you got it. You know what? I trust you implicitly. How dare I ask the question of your good faith? Please forgive me.

You got the loan. You got it. Thank you so much. Oh, yes. Praise God. I knew my prayers would come through. Imagine a meeting with a company to vet if the loan tens of millions of dollars it's insanity it's um 60 minutes should be doing a piece on this this is fucking crazy and i'm a catholic there was one other i'm just trying to

remember off the top of my head like orange County put all this money into their prideful, just beautiful, like some giant church, maybe 16 million or something. Anyway, and they got millions because they're hurting. And you're right, tax-free and criminal. It's all tax-free and women can't be priests. I mean, there's so many fundamental problems with them as a business. It's a business that doesn't allow women to hold certain positions. It's insane. Priests can't get married. You're not allowed to divorce, meaning anyone is not allowed to divorce. You don't go to heaven if you get a divorce.

You're excommunicated. No birth control. Real pressure against birth control. Yeah. communicated. No birth, real pressure against birth control. Yeah. Well, you know, they just had a big win with the Supreme Court that companies that consider themselves religious or no, just private companies can. No. What is it? No, if they're considered religious, they can deny women access to birth control, health coverage for birth control. Well, they deny paying them.

And it's a lot of struggling poor people who really need that free birth control. And I think that was the issue. Yeah. And they just made it so that they don't have to provide that under, you know, with Planned Parenthood. Yeah. So, yeah, Everything, somehow, somehow the religious thing is still going in the wrong direction.

It's unbelievable. What's so weird about it is that- All I just read, go ahead. I don't know anybody who's religious. And I mean, maybe that's because we live in Los Angeles, but like, I know maybe two people that go to church.

Like, what young people, are young people still getting into religion? I think so. I think, you know, sometimes there are shifts and there's reactions, like there's reactions to such what maybe they would view as decadence, that they there's swings to conservative and, you know, and tightening up and believing. But like all I read in that dumb long interview were facts. And it's those were just facts about the Los Angeles diocese. Yeah.

Like it's it's crazy. It's it's literally mind blowing. And I yeah, I don't know. I don't know how it survives or any keeps going. Yeah. And also the religious thing is, you know, when I was really young, like, well, by the end of my life, people are going to be like, hey, like even you want to be a Supreme Court justice or you want to be a judge. Do you believe in a in a devil and angels? Do you believe in imaginary things? Do you sometimes talk to imaginary things? Well, then you can't be a judge. And I just thought the whole world would agree on that by the end of my life. Yeah. And that's not happening at all. Right. Right. It's very hard

to ask people to give judgments on earthly litigation, you know, you know, penalties for bad behavior when they ultimately believe that in the end you'll be judged by somebody else who punishes you. Totally. Yeah. And God's going to be on your side as always. I want to do a little bit of entertainment. Let's do some entertainment, Mike. Do it. Well, I got Jada Pinkett Smith. Sure. Apparently had a little affair with a gentleman named August Alsina, who's a 27-year-old singer.

And it came out, and it turns out Will was okay with it. They have an open marriage, I believe. This guy said- Does Will know about the open marriage? Alcina said, I actually said, right. That's the key to the open marriage is both people kind of have to be in on it. Yeah. No, no. Oh, by the way, don't worry. I have an open marriage. You both have? No, no. I just have an open marriage. Yeah. Don't worry, sweetie. I have an open marriage. You do. Yeah. I'm going to tell my wife tonight.

Now that I've met you, we have an open marriage. And so this guy said, I actually sat down with Will and had a conversation due to the transformation of their marriage to a life partnership that they have spoken on several times and not involving romanticism he gave me his blessing so he's saying that their marriage is not even a romantic sexual union any longer it's just a partnership huh i'm surprised they have such balanced and healthy children you know will, Willow and whatever his name is, they're maniacs. Yes, with such healthy egos. Yeah. I would have to say, though, if they've got

an open marriage, I would I'd like to throw my hat in the ring. I mean, Will Smith is a hot piece of ass. Yeah, he works hard at it. He keeps it tight. His body's good for his age? Of course. Well, Ali. I think Ali is the one that turned it around. Remember when he played hard at it. He keeps it tight. His body's good for his age? Of course.

Well, Ali, I think Ali is the one that turned it around. Remember when he played Ali? Right, right. And now I think, what's the new one? Jamie Foxx is going to play Tyson. Oh, so he's got to build way up. Although, Jamie Foxx is, I remember Django when he was like hanging upside down or whatever. Yeah. He's pretty ripped, but yeah, I guess he'll beef up.

He has to appear squatter. Right. And he's got to get a thick neck. I wonder if he'll use some kind of prosthetics to get a thicker neck. I don't know. They also, you know, with that movie, The Irishman, they did a lot of CGI on people's body sizes. Remember? Yeah.

Oh, no, totally. And really aging them and stuff. Yeah. Or, you know, young and old. I'm not going to remember the guy's name. Oh, Jude Law. Remember that movie that Mary really liked, our friend Mary, where Jude Law played a gangster? Right.

friend mary where jude law played a gangster right he was terrifying and he became like a muscular like beer belly like he played just this really blue collar street uh punk and when i saw it i'm just like and he's and he's walking around the whole movie like naked. And I'm like, well, there goes Jude Law's, the body I, you know, everyone thought about Jude Law from like the, you know, all his like sort of a feat, you know, romantic lead, you know, roles he had. I'm like, that's not coming back. Like, that's unbelievable. And sure enough, he looks pretty normal now. I guess as soon as you stop. But I thought that fat turned a muscle. I mean, I thought that muscle turned a fat.

Well, you know who is amazing is James Franco for that HBO series. He played his own twin brother or his own brother. And so he had to put on a tremendous amount of weight. So they shot it and then they waited three months for him to gain the weight. And then they and then they shot the the brother part which um he's got to suck when the when the fucking tv show then tanks it's one thing if like you do it and it's like uh and it's like a hit it's a hit series but and not to mention he's got a brother how does that how does dave franco feel about his brother fucking destroying his body. Yeah, to play him. Yeah.

Right, exactly. Well, the good news is both Franco's abused women. So, both versions. Oh, did they? That's totally cool. No, I'm joking. No, but he got me too-ed a little bit. Yeah, James did?

Not James. I'm only talking about James. Oh. Yeah. I really like his brother, actually. Maybe his brother got me too-ed. I know nothing about James. Oh yeah. I really like his brother actually. Maybe his brother got me too. I know nothing about it, but his brother is kind of a charming guy. Like I saw him do funny stuff with Conan and, um, and I like him when he's in movies. Yeah. Um, what else you got in entertainment? I don't think I have any, I think I got science. Let's, let's go through what

we're watching. Little reviews. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been watching, because of my daughter, she sits in the TV room and watches RuPaul's Drag Race all day. And it's pretty entertaining. But it's like, you know, teenage girls, she gets so PC about any comments that I make about it. Like, she's very defensive of it

and so like so at one point i called uh the drag queen uh he and she said dad it's she and then later on when they were they show them without their makeup and wigs too and before they get made up they show them as as guys and then and then jojo goes oh he's he's uh gonna he's gonna do lady gaga i go jojo it's she it's like no it's not he doesn't have his drag stuff on i go well we're watching them put their makeup and wigs on and what's what's the point that we start saying she Is there like a moment that it's PC to suddenly change the gender? Can we split the difference and just agree that he just put on her wig? How about that? Yeah.

Is that? Yeah. You can't say he looks pretty. He looks handsome. She looks pretty. No. Yeah. She better tuck her bulge because she's not going to win this thing.

Well, and that's the thing I'm not even clear about is who who's still got the junk. They don't really tell. Yeah, right. Exactly. And then once in a while they'll come out with like a bathing suit and you go like, oh, OK, somebody had an extra five grand. Our kids are such easy snowflakes. And of course, we'll probably lose some listeners, or I will, saying this. But the good news is I'll lose the listeners for you as well.

But I'll like, I just say things now just to get a rile out of them, you know? Like, ah, God, how do I? Put it this way, they watch this really, really popular show. I'm not even going to give. And there is some significantly overweight people on the show. And let's just don't even guess. It's a beloved show. And they cry. They cry. They cry every week watching it. So especially near an emotional moment, I'll come into the living room and they're watching on the TV. I'm like, oh my God, girls, I need to get a bigger TV to fit her. And they scream so loudly. And then like, I'll walk in

and I'll be like, oh, oh my God, what, what happened? like something happen? There's a baby in the show. I'm like, well, I go, what happened to the baby? I'm like, did they eat the baby? Well, I'll be like, girls, I am not comfortable. We're not on the first floor when they're on the TV. I just feel we may fall down a few floors and they, they freak out. They have no sense of humor about it yeah yeah and i try i really try to avoid that but uh but you kind of can't it's and it's like my father did it to me it's it's a generational thing you have to you have to destroy your children's like, I don't know, ethics, sense of sense of decency?

Well, an over idealism can be a tough road to hoe. Yeah. So I think what we're trying to do is like, like their Black Lives Matter, you know, their their their cardboard signs. You know, we went to a bunch of them, but now they're in the kitchen, kind of like the Christmas toys that go to the back of the closet. So I'm just like, what? What great joke do I come up about? Hey, girls, where should I put these? Where's the I don't give a shit anymore pile? Yeah. Should I put this in the back of the closet with my Jets jersey that I retire by the fourth game of the season every year? Hey, girls, where are your Angry Birds things? Why don't we put the Black Lives Matter posters with the Angry Birds and your Mario Karts and your fucking whatever the other thing was after that?

They would never speak to me again. That's so great. I'm trying to, it would be so good if I had the references, especially recently, like, uh, like, like whatever shoes they were wearing or whatever. Yeah. Whatever type jeans. Yeah, you want to put your juicy sweatpants back there? Yeah. That's what we should do.

We should come up with a closet. And again, this is not a commentary at all on Black Lives Matter, but it's a commentary on how passion can intensify and fade. So, yeah, what's in that closet like the angry birds is way in the back because that's a few years ago i'm dating myself the juicy couture shorts is definitely in there yeah whatever planking videos right right um vine their whole vine subscription yeah um oh man all right what uh what else am i watching oh i finished season four of the wire and uh oh you did season four is the one everybody talks about so i i'm in season two still tell me about the wire well i won't do any um i won't do any spoilers but there there is a couple characters that you—

well, there's a girl you can't understand, and I actually love her. She's a great character because she's like the most badass on a certain crew, but she speaks with such a thick street accent and kind of mumbly that you don't know what she's saying, but it's still cool. And then there's a guy. the actor's name is aiden gillen and he's you know him he was little finger in game of thrones and uh he's a city councilman sure he was in queer as folk peaky blinders huge actor he spent approximately nine minutes trying to learn a baltimore accent he's irish and you hear this fucking brogue comes out all the time he'll be like we

have to go down to the docks bys at what he had a brogue in game of thrones yeah but i don't i think in that one he didn't try to hide it well i think in the in game of thrones it was sort of like pick pick one of the british aisles and you can just go with that. They didn't really care that everybody was in the same vernacular. I think it was like as long as it was semi-British. And The Wire has McNulty. Isn't he from Australia or New Zealand? And his accent's weird sometimes. I think he's British, but his is a little bit stiff too.

But season four, he was homesick for for his daughter i guess he had a young daughter and by season four he went fuck this and they said no no no we'll just give you a little he's barely in it and meanwhile in real in real life i was gonna say he had two sons in season one in real life in real life yeah he was homesick for his kids. And so he was going to quit. And then they said, well, just can we put you in a little? He was the star of the show. I mean, I would consider him the star of The Wire. He's the star of what almost at that time,

almost every critic considered the greatest show of all time. Yeah. So he was, God bless him, man. You know, he's made his money, made a name for himself. And so, yeah, it's made his money, made a name for himself. And so, yeah, it's funny how obvious it is. Because after a few episodes, I'm like, what the fuck's going on with McNulty? So I looked it up online and I found that it's actually kind of funny how obvious it is that they're writing him out of the series.

Huh. All right. So did you like season four? Loved season season four it's about the school system in baltimore that's what i heard yeah yeah i gotta stay with it i'd stay with it also this isn't a tv or movie recommendation but if you're looking for some fucking groovy music uh listen to the stacks records it's a collection of sort of the best of the stuff that came out of the, the studio. And I think it's in Memphis. Yeah.

Memphis. And, uh, you know, just it's soul funk gospel Booker T and the MGs and Sam and Dave, the staple singers, um, Isaac Hayes.

Yeah. It's fucking great. Otis Redding, Bobby Wilson. It's, it's amazing. Yep. It's fucking great. Otis Redding. Bobby Wilson. It's amazing. Yep. I'll do that. You watch anything else?

I watched, you know, Patton Oswalt's wife was obsessed with true crime. Oh, by the way. Yeah. So it's I'll be gone in the dark. Is this his deceased wife? His deceased wife. Right. Is this his deceased wife?

His deceased wife. I wonder how early they reveal that or if they have yet or if you just spoiled it. But anyway, people who listen to this podcast probably know all about that because they're comedy fans. So her book, she really then became obsessed with all of true crime, but then especially the Golden State Killer. And anyway, HBO is a documentary series. It's a little similar to what should be done with our friend Tom O'Neill and his book Chaos about Charles Manson, which is a lot of this documentary on HBO is about her process in catching and sort of figuring out the process of the Golden State Killer or rapist or whatever he was called. So he's an unbelievably prolific mass murderer. And there's two episodes, maybe

three by the time this airs on HBO. And it's pretty good. It's terrifying, though. This guy, I mean, terrified Sacramento. And, um, so that was good. And then what else have I been watching? Um, Oh, I started Westworld cause I've started kind of an AI project and I wanted to see how they deal with AI. Um, I'm, I'm very interested in AI. And when we get to science, Elon Musk is very interested in AI also, obviously. So I've been doing a little Westworld. Westworld is tough.

I watched one episode and I'll try different genres. I learned my lesson with Game of Thrones when I avoided it for like seven years saying I'm not into fantasy. And then I tried it and obviously obviously it's like, you know, second best TV show ever made. But Westworld just doesn't, yeah, it is. It's pretentious. It is. A lot of people, including me, did not get by the first episode.

But I'm by it now. I'm still on season one. But I just want to see what they do. Because, you know, with all AI, to me anyway, but most of AI is the robot, if you want to call it, the robot self-awareness. And the more self-aware they become, which is true in almost every famous AI story, the incredibly intelligent artificial intelligence is like, huh? Yeah, I figured this out. The problem here is humans. Yeah.

You know, that's the great speech in The Matrix that we're the virus that needs a host. And we absolutely destroy the host and live off it. And we have to move on and find a new host. And it's just an unsustainable system. move on and find a new host. And it's just an unsustainable system. And by the way, in this little AI dive I've taken, I remember like I was not an avid reader in high school because I think you were, right? Yeah. Despite ADD? Yeah, no, ADD allows you to hyper-focus on things that you want to do. It's just, you're not able to do things you're not excited about and you have a hard time transitioning to different things. But I would I would wake up on a Saturday at, you know, eight in the morning and I would stay in bed until noon, one o'clock, just reading straight through.

And I was there was a table in our house that I used to lay under as a kid and just read for hours. Yeah, I was totally obsessed. I had the coolest English professor and she wanted me to go to an advanced English, uh, my senior year. And I'm like, you guys read Moby Dick in that class, right? She's like, yeah, I'm like, I'm good. And so I literally, and you know, here I've become a writer. I literally did not do advanced English. Like she, like that wasn't a joke. She couldn't talk me out of it. So that summer, summer reading, she saw the problem. And I'm like, I, I didn't know this then, but I read so slowly because my ADD. And if I wasn't in, it just was unpleasant all around.

And she goes, I want you to read two books. One of them's on there because you could pick like, say, six out of eight books or something. So I want you to read Frankenstein. But another one she said, she's like, it's not on this list. But I think I see what the problem is here. She's like, I want you to read a book called Marathon Man. And so I first read Marathon Man. That's the first time in my life, like, like family would go into a store and I'm in the car. I'm like, nope, I'm going to stay here. Like, I'm just going to read, like you see some like obsessed kids with their Harry Potter books. Marathon Man is one of the

most unbelievable page turning books. But back full circle to Frankenstein. That's Mary Shelley, man. That is the first sci-fi book. Yeah. Mid 1800s of all time. And that is literally, you know, Frankenstein, everyone calls the monster Frankenstein.

It's the doctor. And the monster is called the monster, the creation, the abortion. It had all these names. But that's literally the template for Blade Runner. And it's where this created android, basically, created by science, by its maker, goes out. It gets smarter, more experienced, more worldly, realizes the maker

didn't totally take care of it. Back to the maker, like you fucking owe me. And you are going, in Frankenstein, if you remember, it's no, no, no. I need a mate. I need a wife. And you're going to make it for me. It's like, I can't do that. I'm not going to do that. Really? I'm going to kill your family one by one until you make me a wife. And it's like, and it's like Blade Runner, like you put an expiration date on me. I want to live longer. You're going to make that happen. Right, right, right. And they're amazing. I love them. And I love that all the sci-fi writers are like, yep, humans and the hubris of being the creator and humans are the problem. humans and the hubris of being the creator and humans are the problem. Well, that is the battle because, you know, what, what machines have is, is perfect discipline. There is no choice. So they always do what they're supposed to do. And we're the opposite of that. We, our entire struggle as human beings is to just do what we're supposed to do at that day, beings is to just do what we're supposed to do at that day, at that moment. And we're constantly and but it's that free choice that is the one thing that machines don't have.

I know it's funny, though, when it's such a purely rational being. Like, it's funny to think about it, doing the nuances of like someone has an all lie let's say it's a let's say it's a an android judge and it's like well they had an all lives matter poster at the black lives matter all lives do matter like like like doesn't get the nuance that there's timing and maybe yeah yeah there's timing here and that was provocative that provoked them it proved that sign with the truth on it provoked you right and they they killed the man because he broke the rule yes right um so anyway it's interesting let's transition from that into your into the science section.

You got it. Let's talk about your guy, Elon Musk. Elon Musk. He's toying around with Neuralink. It's a good name, man. He's good with names, except his kids. So Neuralink, Elon Musk is about to reveal huge news on AI brain chips, according to this headline, that make you a genius and let your mind control gadgets.

So Elon said the aim is to create a full brain interface within 25 years. This would mean humans would be able to connect to devices with just their minds. Musk wants his brain implants to stop humans being outpaced by artificial intelligence. You know, everything we've just been talking about, because he's like, that is exactly what's going to happen. AI is going to figure out where the problem and they will do away with us. He is convinced of that. He thinks he has even come up with odds that that's the end of the world. Well, yeah, I mean, that's that's the big debate with all these quote unquote geniuses. And, you know, the truth is, this is a natural extension of what we've had. We have hearing aids

that help our help our hearing. We have pacemakers that help our, you know, our rhythm of our hearts. There's there's been a lot of different, and obviously the brain is the next thing. We get forgetful and we can't draw information. So it's the next logical step to just being an assistant to us that's implanted inside of us. And that's exactly how this started. The technology isn't just intended for creating this superhuman cyborg race. It will first focus on medical applications, such as tackling the effects of brain diseases like epilepsy. And you also talked about if you're like a quadriplegic, could this chip be able to undo that damage and repair or to, I guess, be a workaround for the nerve

endings and everything between your brain and your nervous system. So ultimately, Musk thinks that the implanted chips, all right, I already read that. Oh, so he talked about that this is going to protect humans. Oh, ultimately, Musk thinks the implanted chips are what will protect humans from becoming an endangered species due to AI. No joke. The next sentence, he said a robot would be used to insert the implant and connect the thread like electrodes to the brain. I think at that point the robot who's cutting open the human head hears this and turns its head and looks like, what did he just say?

Well, maybe this chip doesn't have to work so well. It's like the wife asking the husband to buy her breast implants. It's like, I didn't have a problem with your tits. Yeah. Wait a minute. What did you say these are used for usually? Attracting mates? I was attracted.

It's really, I've never been a breast man. Always been kind of an ass man. It's kind of weird. or transgender wait a minute um so a couple things i mean this is something that will even the playing field for people like me i mean you talked about patton oswalt and patton is a guy who I've known for a lot of years and has an uncanny memory. And people like that intimidate me and they make me feel stupid. And at the same time, I realized I don't think I'm stupid. I just don't have that kind of brain. And I'm so like you, I'm so envious of it, though. I'm so envious of it. And yet I realize it's just a fucking roll of the dice that that guy was born with a different shaped brain than I was.

And you start to wonder about, in a meritocracy, what is it that should earn somebody more esteem, value, income in society? value, income in society? And is it that you're, you know, in the old days it was because you were born six foot six, 300 pounds, and were a good fighter. And now it's you were born with the genius IQ and a photographic memory. So this will even the playing field. And I think that we'll see people that are more creative.

And Patton is actually both, which is what's so amazing about him. He has the creativity and he has the mental capacity. But you'll see more of that. You'll see more people that, you know, maybe have ADHD, maybe have different learning disabilities, suddenly will be able to compete. And I think that the sum of that will be that our society will go to places we never dreamed of. And you think that the sum of that will be that our society will go to places we never dreamed of. And you think we should just recognize that it's different and that we should value our brains, which have us watching TV and masturbating when we need to work? Can you imagine the porn that will be created? It will be not only 3D. I mean, I can't even imagine the possibilities.

Yeah, that's what they should do. The banner of that technology and that R&D, which will enhance sexual experiences with non-humans, or even your imagination, should be under the population control. Yeah. sexual experiences with non-humans or even your imagination, uh, should be under the population control. Yeah. Like give that to China and see what happens to their population.

I think it's time for us. I think it's time for ask Amy. Oh God. Well, wait, I had sports. We don't have to do it. I can save it.

No, I can save it. Let's save sports until next week. I think Ask Amy I want to leave extra time for because we got an email from somebody who was – I forget who sent this in. Oh, by the way, I forgot. Quick shout-out at the top. Our song today was from Jim Tripp, who's very prolific, sends us a lot of music, and it's always interesting. It's always good.

Yeah. Thanks for that. And our logo is from Kyle Spencer. So keep those coming in, people, because we are eventually... Should we announce it? I don't think we have something to announce yet, do we? All right. We will soon. But keep sending in your music and your graphics.

We use a different logo every week. Only podcast on the internet that uses a different logo and a different theme song on every show. And that's thanks to you guys, your creativity, your hard work. We appreciate it. Keep it coming. There may be a reason others don't. We'll find that out.

Appreciate it. Keep it coming. There may be a reason others don't. We'll find that out. And also, I wanted to point out, we do point out corrections on Sunday paper, as a newspaper does. The publisher will always point out errors that were made in the previous edition of the paper. I think I pointed out already, Randy Moss is no longer playing football last week. This week, somebody wrote in, the Canary Islands are Spanish. The UK still has Gibraltar, though. Apparently, I must have said that the Canary Islands are British, which I did think. Didn't they fight a fucking war in the Canary Islands?

I don't know. Didn't Margaret Thatcher have a war in the Canary Islands? I thought so. The Falklands. Oh, that's what I meant. Boy, yeah, what a nemesis the Falklands were. They were on the way. I got a DM correction. Someone contacted me and said, very complimentary,

and then added they were quite disappointed, though, that I used the term blacks and that I should say black people. And I'll just say, if that person was black, duly noted. Thank you. I got the note. And if the person was white, I'll just say, fucking whites. Mind your own business. I think I can defend my use saying blacks in certain context. And I don't think the blacks would mind. Well, you know, the blacks is what the president says.

Oh, geez. Then I feel awful. He adds that, right. Then I am awful. Yeah, right. Then I am wrong. Right. Okay, so Ask Amy. This was sent in. Apparently, she got pranked by somebody who wrote in a letter asking for advice, but they used the situation. Instead of saying their real-life situation, it was the situation from the room. Tommy Wiseau, the guy that...

from the room. Tommy Wiseau, the guy that... The legendary underground movie that he self-financed that opened in one theater for the longest time and became a cult classic. And then James Franco made a movie about it called...

Yeah, with... Oh, and they won the Golden Globe. Yeah. And Tommy got up on stage and tried to take the mic and Franco had to keep him away from it. So they took the plot from that and they wrote it in. And here is what the letter said. Dear Amy, I have a serious problem with my future wife. She has not been faithful to me.

I recently overheard her talking to her friend about how she was unfaithful to me. When I confronted her, all that she said was that she couldn't talk right now. I feel like I have to record everything in my own house just to learn the truth. To make things even more stressful is the fact that she recently told a couple of people that I hit her. But it's not true. I did not hit her. I'm not sure why she has been acting like this lately. She did just find out that her mother has breast cancer.

And that might be playing into her behavior. We still always find time to make love, so I don't know why she would be seeking it from someone else. I just can't believe she would do this to me. I love her so much. She is my everything, and I don't know what I could do without her. She is tearing me apart.

What should I do? Do you know the famous line? Lisa, you're tearing me apart. But I can't blame Amy for not like that's pretty thin. Like that's pretty well. That's well done. Yeah. In other words, that that's fairly subtle.

Like it would be more imagine. But that's a great device. Imagine writing. Ask Amy like, dear Amy, I hang out with you like the Big Lebowski. I hang out with these friends. And one of them is always telling Donnie to shut the fuck up. Like Donnie is a good guy. He's just trying to this.

But every time you just shut the fuck up. I think he has PTSD. He's a Vietnam veteran and he owns a gun. I'm a little bit worried about the gun. Yeah, that's really funny. Just taking crazy ones. Yeah. The Godfather. Like you could do about the gun. Yeah, that's really funny. Just taking crazy ones. Yeah. The Godfather.

Like you could do just crazy things. Yeah. It's kind of like in a way it's the breaking down movies, you know, into like describing a movie in a very simple way. And it's like, oh, wow, that really is what that movie is about. Yeah. We're going to write Ask Amy and we are going to ask you guys to do the same thing. And if you can get a letter through based on a movie, we'll read it on the air. What was the one? And by the way, the room, the movie that Franco did, which is which is

really worth seeing. I think I loved it was the disaster. Yes. So good. Wait, there was a way i'm gonna try to google it now there was a wizard of oz description um which was so funny i'm just gonna try for one second to find it if i don't find it oh yeah so it was described here's the description of the wizard of oz that you could put like in a newspaper transported to a surreal landscape a young girl kills the first person she meets, then teams up with three strangers to kill again. That's the funniest fucking breakdown of that movie ever. Totally true. Those descriptions are so great.

All right. So you got an Ask Amy this week, Mike? I sure do. Here we go. Dear Amy, while my daughter and son-in-law, Brian, were waiting for their new house to be built, they lived in our basement for six months. Brian is a hoarder. I know.

That's what this letter is about. I moved some of his things and he attacked me in a fit of rage, breaking three of my ribs and bloodying my nose. We called the police but did not press charges. My daughter and Brian have since moved into their new home. We paid for the movers and gave the couple a generous house gift. They have a new baby we have visited, avoiding contact with Brian. He has yet to apologize and has shown no remorse. He has complete control over our daughter and is verbally abusive to her.

How can we maintain a relationship with our daughter in light of this? Should I continue to avoid him? Signed, Fearful Father-in-Law. So what I would say to that is, dear Fearful Father-in-law, you have a real problem on your hands. Hoarders are very challenging. They just refuse to throw things out. It seems like you have done everything right other than that. And I bet Brian keeps your gift for a very, very long time, LOLs. I also have a feeling he's going to keep your daughter for a very, very long time. Definitely maintain a relationship with them. And I see no reason

to avoid Brian, but don't touch his stuff because he will kill your daughter sooner than scheduled. Sincerely, Amy. Yeah. You're writing, you're writing Amy about this? are you a lunatic? and doing nothing else? that's what you're doing about this problem? well if you know the guy is a hoarder give him something that he's going to have to keep for the rest of his life like a Ku Klux Klan

robe or something it's going to be in his basement with his newspapers and his stack of Yahtzee games. Give him a suicide note written in his voice. That'll be exhibit a, when they find Brian dead, because you guys should probably get involved somehow.

Maybe when you agreed to move Brian stuff, you should have moved it to fucking Tucson as far away from you as possible. Oh, by the way, a little fun fact. Brian also killed all the movers for moving his stuff. And kept them. Yeah, right. Oh my God. What a crazy person. All right. Let's get to a couple letters to the editor. Nice. This one comes from Joanne. I seem to have a crush on these guys.

Wait a minute. Yo, Joanne. I think we're a type of person's type, I guess. Whatever we're doing, there is a type of gal out there that likes us. And it's weird that a lot of them are named Joanne. So someday I think we should do a live show and just invite all these Joannes. I like that. This one came from Jon Favreau, and I was convinced it was the real Jon Favreau because it was so well written and insightful.

Like a Marvel superhero movie, that well written. Like a conversation at dinner for five, that kind of sharpness. It says, hi, guys. E.T. is Mary Poppins retold? Has Mike never heard of the story about a guy named Jesus? Came down from the heavens, gathers up some apostles uh parentheses boys on bikes performs miracles parentheses with his glowing finger has a sacred heart parentheses turn on your heart light dies comes back from the dead then returns to the heavens i see your mary poppins uh comparison raise you the jesus story

and drop the mic on you mike thanks for the show my friends it was very i was impressed i mean i did respond him i told him the difference is mary poppins and et are real see what i did there but uh i was also like phone home. E.T. phone home was like Jesus praying to God. Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they've done. From the cross, he phones home in the final act. I think, you know, I love that theory. There are a lot of film critiques, you know, like on the waterfront, you know, Kazan would show all the they were the antennas on the roofs. But there was crucifixes like throughout the whole thing and that the character in there was this martyr, you know, like.

So there's a lot of those which, you know, like Christlike storylines. So I never thought of it with this one, especially the dying and rising from the dead. Like that's pretty spot on. I have to say. Now, did you write him back? I did. And what did he say? Such a nice guy. He's like a theater owner in maybe upstate New York. And just, you know, was very cool. Yeah. I wrote him back with my theory about, I had some other, I can't remember my other comments about Jesus, but there's a couple other in there. There was also somebody that wrote in, remember when Carl Reiner died, the week after, the week before he died, I did a joke about how there's a lot of dinosaurs in LA. You can see Betty White having lunch with Carl Reiner. Do you remember that?

Oh, wow. And he died like two days later after I did that joke. He probably heard it. Well, Betty White is on a death watch right now. Because she was in love with Carl Reiner? Yes. Okay. Why don't you make a joke about her and just seal her fate this week?

Betty White? Okay. Why don't you make a joke about her and just seal her fate this week? Betty White. Is so old. I think the headline when she dies is white lives don't matter. White life doesn't matter. All right. Let's let's do an obituary. And that's all, folks. Okay.

Ah, Charlie Daniels. Oh, wait, Betty White just died. Why don't we do hers? I'm kidding. Sorry, God. Charlie Daniels, Southern Rock, which, look, a lot of us that grew up in the 70s and 80s were Southern Rock fans. And, you know, and not country music fans. Charlie Daniels was, like, one of, you know, there was,

what's his name who died recently? Kenny Rogers. There was Kenny Rogers and Charlie Daniels. Those were the only, like only country people that we listened to that were on the radio. So he died from a stroke at 83. Country Music Hall of Famer released 32 studio albums between 1970 and 2016.

How many songs can you name? I can name it. That's exactly right. Same. Devil Went Down to Georgia, which earned him his first and only Grammy Award. But you know what's cool about this guy is I remember reading Bob Dylan's autobiography. What was it called? Chronicles? Chronicles. Chronicles. And he lists very odd people that were real influences on him. Charlie Daniels, he thought, was one of the best musicians he's ever seen. You know, Dylan does that to me, like just like any any artist people really envy will turn them on to people like I remember reading that. No. And I took note of that also. I remember reading I think it was an article like in Life magazine about we are the world. And Dylan was so nervous and they had a Quincy Jones had to clear the room so he could be alone and do his know, when I'm young and I like Dylan, Public Enemy, The Clash.

I'm just like, you know, pretty, you know, what I thought was really cool music. And apparently he went across the room to Steve Perry of Journey and goes, man, you have some set of pipes on you. And I'm like, what? Wait, him? Because you don't understand. Journey, the band, has aged so well yeah but back then they were just full-blown cheeseball yeah yeah yeah they were cheeseball and he looked i love steve perry now but i hated him he was just this he was so cheesy and um he also in the same session

went over and kind of gave the same compliment to Daryl Hall. Wow. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, yeah. And I resisted it, but slowly, like when I was alone, I'd be like, let me give Daryl Hall a new listen here. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's what's great about your heroes turning you on, especially to unlikely people like Charlie Daniels.

Well, that's what was so great about it. He used to do the Bob Dylan Radio Hour, and he would just turn you on to all these B-sides of old R&B artists, but then he'd also play some country. He'd play some bluegrass. He'd play some punk rock. He was all over the place. How creative, of course, by the way,

but how creative was that? It was basically a podcast. It was on XM radio. It was a one hour radio show. And it was called Bob Dylan's theme time radio hour. And he would pick a theme. And I remember him one week, like people saying, we're going to run out of themes. And he's like, I don't think so. He's like next week's theme, Joe. He's like, we're going to play music by artist named joe we're also going to talk about cups of joe and i'm like holy shit and there were songs about coffee yeah lyric lyrics that had joe um you know about it was incredible it was just incredible all right let's name songs that involve coffee. We'll go back and forth. Whoever runs out first loses.

Oh, I'm already out. I can't think on the spot. I'm not Patton Oswalt. I can't think on the spot like that. Awful Lotta Coffee in Brazil was an old song from the 40s. Well, Dylan has one. One More Cup of Coffee Before I Go. Black Coffee in Bed by Squeeze.

Oh, that's a good one. Espresso Yourself by Madonna. Oh. That was so desperate. I literally just began with the word espresso and didn't know where I was going. All right, you win. Yep, I win.

All right, so let's get to it. We work hard every week to bring you the hard facts, and then we give you a little treat at the end, a little dessert. Whole latte love. Go ahead. We call it the Sunday Funnies. Oh.

Starting off, oh, everybody's favorite spousal abuser, Andy Kapp. And I don't know if England has a different sensibility about domestic violence, but this guy, it's fucking crazy. I mean, it's not even just like he pushes her. In this one, all right, she comes walking towards him. I can remember her name uh he she comes walking towards him in the first frame she's got a frying pan her hand the classic and these cartoons the wife's always got a frying pan or a rolling pin that's so you lethal right but you think they would be able to defend themselves but go ahead she says all right all right mate you're uh you're asking for it

and then she walks in and the second frame is a cloud with feet sticking out of it and a frying pan sticking out of it it's a full-on rumble third frame andy's walking away rolling down his sleeve she is flat out unconscious on the ground with a little line coming up with a star on it to show the

unconsciousness and possible brain damage from the beating her husband just put on her and the last frame ready for this? she's walking

she's got a black eye she's all scuffed up and she says did anyone call while I was out? And again, we're not laughing with this. We're laughing at that. There is a universe that children pick up a newspaper on a Sunday and they go past the sports and they go past the world and the science and they go to the, you know, the funny ones that are colorful and have little bubble figures and they read this shit. Yeah. Like how far away is Garfield? Like, like five inches. Yeah.

From this black eye, you know, daughtered woman. Oh my God. But like, are you, is there a joke? Andy Kappa account that you've found unwittingly? Like, no, I just put in Andy Kappa and violent and it's always his wife.

Oh my God. Yeah. So, Oh, I got to read, I got to read up on the history of Andy Kappa. And if the writer ever got shit about this, I'm sure he did. But, you know, it's her fault.

Don't bring a pan to a dust fight, to a fist fight. You find out the creator was a woman. Makes it interesting. And this guy sent in, one of the listeners sent in, there was an Andy Kapp French fry. It was an Andy cap, uh, French fry. It was like a fried. It was like, uh,

fries. They were like potato chips. Oh yeah. Yeah. And it was called flavor punch in every crunch. You know, like a little snack. If you beat the fuck out of your wife,

you can also freeze them and beat the wife with the snacks. Maybe put them in the ice box. Uh, the wife with the snacks, maybe. Put them in the icebox. Hager the Horrible, again, so good to his wife. She says, Helga says, I'm going out to plow the field until sundown while he's sitting in a fucking chair. So he jumps up. Stop. I can't let you do that.

Final frame. Dinner would be late. Both of these men really don't lose track of the details, the small things that the wife is supposed to be doing at the home. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think there was an understanding that he puts his life on the line

going out and pillaging and raping other women. So when he's home, he's got to be able to put his feet up. Yes. I love him. You recommended last week that we start checking out some some far sides. Is that Larson? Is that the guy's name? Gary Larson? Of course. Is that Larson? Is that the guy's name? Gary Larson? Of course. Okay. He's so good.

First one is Reindeer. It's a reindeer. It's Rudolph, and he looks a bit older. He's got a little paunch. He's got on bifocals, and he's reading A Christmas Carol with a glass of red wine in his hand. And there's a rifle propped up against the wall. And the caption is all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names and on the wall are seven reindeer heads dasher dancer

prancer vixen see that took time that took effort and that took an innate sense of humor yes yes and the details the fucking glass of red wine and the bifocals is great i told you you know my roommate in college tom kelly right of course so we all do mushrooms one week right and um and we're having we're dying laughing and we notice tom's missing and we're like where's tom and we're looking all over so of course when you're on And we're like, where's Tom? And we're looking all over. So, of course, when you're on mushrooms, you're like, he probably went to the river. So we literally leave the apartment. We went down to Charles River.

We can't find him, and it's a fruitless search anyway. And we come back, and we can't find him. We hear this noise, and I go in my bedroom. The door was closed, and there's Tom. He is soaked through his clothes, soaked through his clothes. And he's holding my far side book, my compilation book. And he's, his face is soaked, his hair and he, his jaw is locked open because he's laughing so hard and tears are streaming down his face and he's pointing and he can't talk. And we're like,

Tom, Tom. And now we're all dying laughing. Like Tom, what? And he tries to talk for no joke for like five minutes. It's like, and eventually, eventually he just gets out. We like had to decipher it and he, and I can't do it justice justice so I won't try to imitate him, but he basically gets that whimpers out. Look at the porcupine's eyes. And if I tell you, we were missing him for two hours. Like, easy.

Now I know the next time I take mushrooms I'm going to have a far side book with me next time for the comedown. Oh, they're so amazing. I mean, so many of them. And they're one frame so funny. The next frame I'll do two. And there is a bed.

It's a post-coital moment. There is a chicken smoking a cigarette and an egg. And the caption is, And so the age-old question remains, Which came first? I mean, that's worth the price of the paper. If the paper had every page blank, and I paid 50 cents for it or whatever it is, and there was one little square in the fourth section of the paper, everything else blank, more than worth it.

That's great. Yeah. It's genius. We're talking about it years later. That's a guy who spent his 40 hours that week working on that one fucking frame. That's how good it is. Here's another famous comic that has one frame. Family Circus. Oh, boy.

Here we go. I am not even, because I realized my anger is better spent on many other things. So I now, basically, I've just made sure there's one in the paper. Haven't even read it. This is news to me. Here we go. Family circus. The boy is sitting in a chair.

He's reading a book that has the title Nursery Rhymes. That's the picture. And he goes, he's yelling off camera, whatever you want to say, off screen. to say off screen. I wish you gave me a good rhyme and name like Humpty Dumpty or Georgie Porgy or dot, dot, dot. Swear to God. So the dot, dot, dot is the writer literally didn't even finish his own lame cartoon. I think he got to that and he's like, okay, I got a setup. That's where the joke's going to go. Yeah. And, um, I'll put this aside. And then later he's like to his assistant, uh, wait, you didn't send that in. Did you? Holy shit. You know what that means? I'm going to get paid just as fucking much for that incomplete thing to go to press.

That's what's going to happen. This could have zero consequences. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Literally. What do you call it? Dot, dot, dot. Ellipses.

He ended with an ellipseses the ultimate throwing in the towel like he was so challenged by his one frame that he threw in the towel have were you ever writing when you were a little like whether it was a journal or not a little but like in your teens and then like you fall asleep in the pen the pen does like that that's that's what that was. Yeah. Maybe that's what it even was. Like the pen just went... And the editor of the paper is like, huh, maybe he meant this, dot, dot, dot. Yeah.

He fell asleep. He was so bored with his own cartoon that he fell asleep with his index finger on the period and it just kept hitting it. So he sent it in. And the other one is like on the computer on online banking, just watching the checks come in, making sure they don't skip a week.

Oh, God. Well, I don't know. Juxtaposed with the far side. Maybe the family circus is so that people can vent their anger on Sunday and be fresh for the week. I know it makes me fresh for the week. I know it makes me fresh for the week. God, do I look forward to this every week. Here we go. Blondie, Blondie, Blondie, you sweet little

thing. The thing about Blondie is it's not just her looks. She has the best fucking energy. And that's ultimately what makes me so mad at Dagwood, is that physically he's not taking advantage of the most beautiful woman in animation history. He walks in the door, and he's got a hat on. And this one has actually inspired hope in me. He's got a hat on. He's got a smile on his face.

She's, of course, stirring some soup. She's got on a crisscross dress, and it is just below the knee. And I think that in these days, you're not going to see Blondie with the dress above the knee, but it's as high as it can get, so you can still see the shapely calf and the ankle, which Shakespeare talked about a woman's ankle as being the thing that defines her beauty. Blondie's ankle, it's got just a little nub on the side, and it takes the calf and it draws it together before flowering it to her beautiful, delicate feet. There couldn't have been that many ankles like that in Shakespeare's time.

They were all earth pigs. All humans were, weren't they? Like with their flat shoes at best. Right. Everybody had cankles. Yeah. So now he walks in, he says, ah, it's good to get home to my little wifey. And then she turns around and he puts his arm around her.

She puts her hand on his shoulder and he says, I missed you. I missed you so today. I thought of you all afternoon. And now I'm going like fucking Dagwood showing up yeah and then she says do you really love me that much dear and now he's got his arm around her but he's peeking over her shoulder and picking up the lid of the soup and he says you know i do and she says dagwood stop looking in the pan while you're making love to me you fucking don't you were there you came in the pan while you're making love to me. You fucking don't. You were there.

You came in the door with intention. You actually, it worked. She connected. She was open to you. She said, do you really love me that much? And then you said, fuck you. You're my domestic pig. Oh, God.

Wait, did she really say that make love to me part? Yeah, that's it. That's a saying that they had back when these were written back in the 40s. Make love to. And you a lot of times when people hear make love to in blues songs, they think it's sex. It's actually courtship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That. Yeah, I know that song, Make Love to You. All I want to do is make love to you. But I think he was literal. Wow. Well, it would take it up a notch.

Dagwood would probably be doing that during sex, too. Yes. He would do the foreplay. She would be wet. She would be ready. And then he would go downstairs and make a sandwich. Then he'd switch soups exactly it's un-fucking-believable because there is a there is a side to Dagwood that does love Blondie but it's in such an undeveloped way he's such an undeveloped person that he can't

rise up and meet her she's completely fucking evolved. And in later comics, she becomes a caterer. She becomes a very successful caterer because she realizes, I'm cooking for this fucking asshole for no money. Why don't I take my gifts and put them in the workplace?

And she become, anyway. Boy, they really, what imagination on what that female could become. Hey, she cooks. What if she cooks? Can she become a cleaning lady? By the way, it's funny you just said that.

I was thinking, you know, a fun way to read these things, Dagwood, would be if Blondie would be, imagine before you read everyone that Blondie's the housekeeper. Like, he comes home, she's cooking. Like, it's not the, maybe it's like, I don't know. It literally wouldn't change anything. It would totally work if she was a maid. Yeah. You're right. And it still would be an idiot.

Like, at least fool around with the maid. She's all over you. Right, right, right. Ugh, piece of shit. Anyway, Mike least fool around with the maid. She's all over you. Right, right, right. Ugh. Piece of shit. Anyway, Mike, we've done it again and it took us, well, once again, we tried to keep it short and we did exactly what we always do.

Hour and 40 minutes. We didn't even do the sports story and it's so funny, you could be like, yep, that same sports story will be good next week because there are no scores. Yeah, we got a couple sports. I had a couple of the stories that didn't hit. We'll do it next week.

And then there was a listener mail from this woman, Joanne. We'll get to that next week also. But thank everybody. And a lot of people were very kind about my long-winded no country for old men theory they wrote. And that was a lot of people wrote me. That was very nice. My theory kind of held up i think a bit well and also we want to point out that we're doing sort of like a movie

review club where next week's i think we teased it for this week but we didn't get to it jaws watch jaws this week and next sunday we will be discussing it in depth if you want to send us your thoughts on jaws this week we'll encompass that in the discussion. I don't have a theory, but maybe I will by next week. You can always reach us at FitzDawgRadio at gmail.com. We both read everything. We respond. We love hearing from you.

And don't forget, go to Apple Podcasts. Rate it. Give it some stars. Give it some comments. Helps us out a lot. Tell your friends. The numbers just keep building every week. We're coming to you lot. Tell your friends. The numbers just keep building every week. We're coming to you free.

Tell your friends to subscribe, even if they don't listen. It helps us. It does. Even though we're not making no ads, no money, but it'll help us if we ever get to that place. Yes. So help us build. Help us through the pandemic, people. Thank you guys for listening.

We hope you have a great week. Mike, enjoy great week. Mike, enjoy your week. Stay healthy, everybody, because I think it's getting easier to catch. Yes, at all ages. Okay, take care. On that note, bye. Oh, wait, no.

Wrap it up. Oh, yeah. Wrap the fish. Put it in the parakeet cage. Wrap with a fish in it. Put a fish in it. Put it in the parakeet cage. Birds love fish. Put the fish and then shit on the newspaper. Ta-da.

God bless. Bye-byes. Sunday Papers gonna make it alright. Sunday Papers gonna make it alright. Sunday Papers gonna make it alright. Sunday Papers after Saturday night.