Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 190 11/12/23

Episode Date: November 12, 2023

No one wants to fight for the country anymore, Philly cops no longer need college degrees and Dr Ruth is back! She’s a survivor. Plus a man sits on his wife’s head and a wife drags her husband around by his arm in the window of her car.

It's time to wake the neighbors. It's time for a Sunday paper. All the movers and all the shakers. Come on, let's shout and read all about it. We all love Fistoff's rage, and Gibbons and Waterlighters are always great. No matter religion, race, or age, Fist will pop up on the top of your mother's grave. It's time for a Sunday paper. Oh, go for it, sir. Seven, eight, nine. Three, two, uno. 7, 8, 9. 3, 2, 1. There it is. And there he goes.

Read all about it. There he goes. Extra, extra. Hot off the presses. Sunday papers. Welcome, people. Hey, now. Thank you for tuning in.

All right. It's a good Sunday. We got nice weather here in la we got a little santa ana wind blowing in we got a change of seasons i don't like the dark the early darkness makes me sad you know it always has my whole life but then i remember like i i don't know you start that night earlier there's some pro there's some pros, like, all of a sudden you're like, ah, yeah, dinner. Everything's moved up for me. And there's some good to that also, I think.

I think it's good. And it's because I'm getting old as fuck. I think it's good for stand-up. Like, some of these clubs have a 7 o'clock show. And there's nothing less, I don less, uh, I don't know. More demoralizing. It's just, it's just people aren't in the mood. They're walking in, they got sun on their face and all of a sudden somebody's making fun of their

shirt while they eat chicken wings. It needs to be dark and dirty. Yeah. That's what I want. But it's getting, boy, is it, I mean, I guess we have

a little over a month and the days start getting longer. That's right. Oh, is that what happens? Yeah, December. Yes.

It's a new thing this year around December 21st, the Earth's orbit. It's very new. No, that's the shortest day of the year, December 21st. I know. The winter solstice. And they

start getting longer the next day. Oh, after that. Yes. Okay. Now we're going to get corrections on something we didn't even get wrong. Well, no. They'll probably correct because it depends where in the country you are that the 21st, like it could be the 22nd.

That's the shortest day. So all of that anyway. Huh. Well, this is certainly great banter to start a podcast with. Let's cut right to, you know what else? You know what else? Yeah, big announcement. Drum roll, please.

Here it is. For you listeners, I am holding in my hands koozies. Woo! With our logo on it. There it is. Koozies, baby. All right. So we've had a lot of this.

They keep your drink cold. They keep your coffee hot. Yes. I'm going to put my water in a koozie right now and see how it holds up. It's not the right glass. I'm not doing it. I need a can, man. Well, listen, we're right in time for the holidays.

This is a great Christmas gift. They are medium quality. They are from. You know what? Very much like our podcast, we're going to get corrections on them. No, they're very nice. The logo came out great.

What are we selling for? $10? $10? There it is right there. This is it. We've gone back and forth on stuff. And this is it. We are going to sign these and then I think it's going to fall on me. I am personally going to mail them to you all in 10 bucks. No shipping. We had an issue with

the coffee cups because they were heavy and the postage was like six bucks or something on a $15 mug. We might have lost money on the coffee. I think we lost money because there was so many of them that broke. So now Gibbs' daughter is really going to do this. He's not doing it. She's going to stuff the envelopes, send them off. And we're not making a ton of money, but we thought it would be a fun thing to do for the holidays.

But we want everybody to get one. Buy a couple. Give it to somebody you know who listens to the show. Take one for yourself. We're hoping that our goal is to get 10% of our listeners to buy koozies for the holidays. So here's how you're going to get them. It's so simple. We're doing this.

We're trying to cut out the middleman and we're trying to make it as cheap as we can kind of to make this worthwhile. So here we go. You are going to go to Venmo to at Gibbons time. That is at G I B B O N S T I M E. You're going to see a picture. I'm wearing glasses of my right eye and in the background, Bill Murray in a tuxedo. The little dumb joke I had, because that was my picture for Twitter, was Bill Murray follows me. Very creative. And here's the key. You're going to pay the $10 and then you're going to write in the, what do you call it? The little notes part. Yeah. Put in your address, your name and address, because I am going to copy that and paste it on a label. That's what I'm going to do. So please make it easy for me. Don't worry. You can't press return. I'll do that. Just put your name, street address, city, state,

zip code. And these are in the mail this week as soon as you order them. So do it right away. Yeah. I think that's good. I think that's good. We'll get it out to you. We'll get it out to you. Yeah, we'll talk about it at the end of the podcast also. But anyway, get them.

Do it. Make it easy. These will be collector's items at some point. When Mike and I are in our 80s and we're still doing this podcast, these koozies are going to be worth upwards of 11 to 12 dollars. Well, I'm set then because I'm planning on having hundreds in my kitchen forever. Oh, your your drinks are going to be nice and cool for a long time, Mike. I'm going to stuff them all in a pillowcase and that's just going to be one of my pillows.

All right. We also got... I want to talk about something else. We had a bunch of people also weigh in on the women. Mike's theory was that men are obsessed with the Holy Roman Empire. No, the Roman Empire. It might be a fact now, by the way,

my theory, as you call it. Your theory is that women are obsessed with driving into oncoming traffic. The idea, the thought. The thought. So we got this voice memo, which I'll play for you right now. Oh, good. And I have not heard this. Okay, here we go

hey when you're driving in the truck is there ever a time where you just want to grab the steering wheel and just pull yank it to the left into traffic yeah really yeah Is it because of the kids or just you kind of want to know what it feels like? Why do you? No. No, I've never once. So. That's perfect. Yeah. Like she didn't even hesitate.

Basically, what's going on is, honey, do you ever think of murdering innocent people? Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Right. She's probably spreading cheese on a cracker. Yeah? Like all the time.

Yeah? And they're Canadian. They're supposed to be laid back up there. I know. Yeah. Sorry. And then Dave said, when I looked over at my wife, when you said women want to jerk the wheel into traffic, she said, yeah. All the more reason to never let her drive when I'm in the car.

Yeah. I'll be waiting to purchase our new koozies. And I speak for myself in saying I'll spend extra for a signed copy. You don't have to. We're not charging extra for signed copy. We're just doing it because it's the holidays and we care about you guys. That's exactly it. I want to give a shout out to the Improv Comedy Club 60th birthday. They had a big party this week and Larry David and Jay Leno and everybody was there, hung out with Santino a lot. Kathy Griffin was there. She's going back on tour, she told me. Wow. All right. She has not performed live since the or on tour since the incident where she held up Trump's decapitated

head. Yeah. So we'll see if there's any flack from that. I don't know. But she's lovely. I love Kathy. I wrote on her TV show for a while. Nice. I also want to recount a conversation you and I had at a picnic table outside Penmar yesterday.

Our friend Pete Scott is in town with his lovely daughter, McLeod. How great is McLeod, by the way? She's fantastic. She's so funny. She is so goofy and uninhibited and fun. And so she was talking about how we were talking about holidays that you get

off from school. And she goes, yeah, we just got to Wally off because we have a lot of Indians in my school. Well, they were, they were talking about how diverse her school is and like woke and all that and progressive. And so they said they get Indian holidays. That's what was said.

Yeah, because I said Diwali. And then Gibbons effortlessly segued into saying, oh, yeah. Speaking of which, have you guys seen Killers of the Flower Moon? Yeah. You know the great Diwali tribe from the high plains? Tell me Diwali doesn't sound like a Native American name. You're supposed to be the smart one. This is my great-grandfather runs with river he's a he's from the diwali tribe who who wore it constantly with the sue yeah i mean they're a little bit

native american they're red right here in the middle of their forehead oh no oh come on uh they should say it's an Asian holiday Diwali Yep It shows up on my phone every year And I never knew what it was Until she told us I lit a peace pipe every year When it came up on my iCalendar

Oh yeah, a little peace pipe Yeah We got a story about this later So we'll get into it The logo this week comes from Rob Moore Hold on a minute. Speaking of killers of the flower moon. This is my I saw it. I told you I saw it. You did. Yeah. I give you my official review. I think you said it's too long. That seems to be everybody's official review. It's a sexier review than that. You ready for it? Yeah. Killer of my afternoon. Nice.

You ready for it? Yeah. Killer of My Afternoon. Nice. Solid. That's a solid review. Print it up. This is when you wish David Spade's showbiz show was still on the air.

Yeah. He would go more like Killer of My Afternoon, like his hand up. I can't wait. Look, I don't give a shit. What's three and a half hours? I jerk off three and a half hours a week. So I'll take the week off. I would say don't overthink when you take a bathroom break. You know, in most movies, you're like, all right, you can kind of feel like, all right, it quieted down after the action.

I could probably run. You know what? Go whenever you want. Go twice. You're not going to miss anything. Isn't there an app that tells you when to go to the bathroom during movies? Yes. Yeah.

And I use it even when I don't go to the movie. I'm like, all right, if I went to the movie, should I go now? And I sync it up to my watch. I have it for when I have conversations with my wife. What am I, that guy? Am I that comic now? I just apologized. Walk out.

Jesus. The logo this week comes from Rob Moore. It's, of course, Chips, Ponch, and what was the other guy's name? Ponch and Doug. No, it wasn't. I don't know. Cisco? It is so funny.

It was Lefty. It is so funny that we grew up watching a show about California highway police. Oh, I know. It was Oats. It's Ponch and Oats. It's Garfunkel. Yeah. Oh, by the way, when I once, it was in Nashville. And some doctor, I was taking someone to a doctor's appointment.

Anyway, and the family wanted updates. And I'm like, here's the first update. Oates is here. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oates was in the same waiting room wait who was the talented one or were they those that was a team that they were both talented right no the higher profile is hall and he even has like almost like a leave on helm type thing going on i don't know if he's still

doing it where he would have guests musicians and uh songwriters have come to, I think, like his barn and or his studio anyway. And that show was well received. Let me tell you something. 80s music had some tight little pop artists. You know, you had Squeeze. You had a Hall and Oates. They they they popped out quick little fun tunes that were great on the radio. Now, I got no issue with them. Right. Well, you know what happened was I, of course, hated Hall & Oates in my music snobdom. So did I. Right. And then I remember reading that article about We Are the World and Bob Dylan, who's a complete weirdo, just as he is all the time in those sessions. There's a famous video online of Dylan not even singing along and looking at Will.

He's looking around like, what are we doing? Anyway, in the article, there was a journalist in the room and the journalist said he walked right up to Hall and said, man, you have some set of pipes. Oh, yeah. And it changed the way I listened to the guy. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, you guys might notice Mike and I both invested in lights. So does it look different? Can you tell? Look at us. We look kind of warmer and sharper, I think. How does my wardrobe look? Wardrobe looks good. You can tell that it's a much deeper palette than people once thought. There's both blue and brown. There's navy blue, there's dark navy blue, there's light navy blue. Ooh, there's a baby blue. Yeah, wow.

Yeah. Some corrections. Matt A. says, greetings from Canada. President term limits weren't codified until the 22nd Amendment was passed in 1947 after FDR had been elected to a fourth term. Why do we need a fucking Canadian telling us our American history? God damn it. Before that, it was more of a norm or tradition

that presidents didn't serve more than two terms. But like you mentioned, World War II provided some extenuating circumstances and FDR reluctantly ran again. All right, so what I said was not fact, but the spirit of it was, hey, there's a war going on. Let's not change horses midstream. Right. He was killing it. And I'm not referring to our enemies. He was also

doing. Yeah. Gabe Gentile said, I've got a small correction and the greatest rockumentary ever made The Last Waltz. Joan Baez does not make an appearance. However, Joni Mitchell does. I can see how you got confused as both of them are hippie singer-songwriters from the 1960s. I was talking about it last week, but I hadn't seen it yet. So I saw The Last

Waltz in a movie theater at 4 o'clock, which apparently they played it just once on Sunday at four o'clock which apparently they played it just once on sunday at four o'clock very weird on that date i don't know what the significance was but went with tom o'neill and our friend jay russell and his wife and aaron and uh our friend jay russell is actually good friends with uh levon helms and also with robbie robertson he got because he's a director and he hired each of them to do soundtracks on his movies and he just gave us so much in i literally can't even tell you some of the stuff he revealed about the background of this band but

you i think we can safely say they were all on heroin except for Robbie Robertson. And in the movie, Neil Young comes out with cocaine. They airbrushed it out, but apparently in the original release, you can see powder on his nose. His jaw is going back and forth, and he has these crazy wide eyes. He's so jacked out of his mind. It's hilarious. All right, so Levon Helm, singular.

We don't need any corrections. You know the story, they unplugged Robbie's mic so you couldn't hear his voice? Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who did? The band, because Robbie couldn't sing.

And so Levon wrote about that in his book. Wow. No shit. Uh huh. And, you know, but, you know, while Robbie wasn't on heroin, he and Scorsese were doing so much cocaine during the whole making of that documentary. Well, they were roommates for a while. That's what Jay was telling me, that they lived in the hills together and just did blow and watch movies nonstopstop for like months i'd like to do that i'll tell you what though fucking dr john stole the show yeah dr john is so goddamn cool and he came out and rocked it van morrison sang caravan and he and he's this funny short pud, pudgy, weird-looking dude. Kicking with those big high kicks? And he's doing these big high kicks.

It was so funny. The music is so good. And, I mean, the final sequence, they're singing Bob Dylan's I Shall Be Released, and it's Dylan, it's the whole band, Joni Mitchell, Neil Young, Ron Wood, Ringo Starr is playing drums. Eric Clapton's out there. Clapton is out there.

It was nuts. And I'll tell you what, a lot of people played solos during the last waltz. Eric Clapton plays a solo, and you just stop and you go, oh, that's a whole other level what this guy is doing. I think he broke a string. Right. And Robbie Robertson had to take over the solo. Oh, is that right? I didn't notice that. Yeah. I mean, just so smooth. It's hard to describe when you see guitar playing at that level, but you just know when you're seeing it. It's just so, so much better. And for the big fans of it who already know everything we're talking about,

you probably already know this too, but on YouTube, there's two things called the Last Waltz Jam. There's Jam No. 1 and Jam No. 2. They never made the film. They did make one of the albums. You know, many versions of this have been released and Wikipedia breaks down what's on which version. But you see them jamming, and Stephen Stills, who doesn't appear anywhere in the movie, he comes out, someone gives him a guitar, and they're all jamming. And you do see Neil.

Neil is feeling it. As the jamming, Butterfield's on harmonica. Neil's just like, let's go, let's get this thing. You see his body, his ghoulie rocking back and forth, and he's really trying to get the jam going. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, Ranted, if you haven't seen it, it's really pretty

special. It's so great, and it's again, it's like, you put it on, it changes the atmosphere in your living room or wherever. It's just very celebratory and such good music. It's really energetic, too. It's not like this long slog through it. It's uplifting.

So I think we should talk about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict right now. Let's put aside an hour. I actually got an email from some guy. It was on the YouTube channel. There's comments on the YouTube video. And some guy's like, if you're going to talk about Israel, you need to talk about blah, blah, blah. And I just wrote, I can do whatever the fuck I want. That's the beauty of this podcast.

And that's exactly what Israel says. And now we're going to get into it. Tim says, as far as pronouncing Jewish names with E-I or I-E spellings, because we were talking about my former agent Rick Greenstein. Some people say Greenstein. A Jewish professor of mine once told me that the pronunciation always follows the second letter in that pairing.

So Weiss, W-E-I-S-S, is pronounced with the long I sound. Spielberg with the long E, because it's I-E. Interesting. Ah, got it. Okay. Tour dates coming up.

I'm going to be doing my special. That's why it's not Weinstein. On Saturday. From Weinstein. I will be running my one-hour special for a final time in Ventura at the Comedy slice on november 15th then it happens i'll be at the comedy mothership in austin november 17th to the 19th it's mostly sold out there might be some tickets left uh go go to my website san francisco punchline november 30th through december 2nd then i'm coming to fort worth milwaukee chicago atl, Portland, La Jolla, and Tampa.

Go to FitzDawg.com, get some tickets. Let's sell out these shows. When we sell out the shows, I get a bonus, and then I can go on a trip to Portugal. Nice. Yeah. Very good. You know what else is nice?

Tell me. Prize picks. Yes, it is. It's the largest daily fantasy sports platform in North America. The easiest and most exciting way to play DFS, just you against the numbers. Instead of battling thousands of other players, including pros and sharks, you pick more than or less than on two to six player stat projections and watch the winnings roll. It's a really fun way to play. I've always enjoyed that kind of betting as opposed to who's going to win.

I like doing who's going to who's going to score more or less. It is a skill based fantasy game, folks. Yes. And you and I love playing. You know, I'm not like this this team's gonna win by how many i have no idea but i get gut feelings about how players are gonna do so you bet more or less like george kittle i have him for uh going more than 43.5 yards that's a piece of cake. I got Derek Carr for he's going to score less. He's going to have less than 243 passing yards. That's easy.

Player projections. It's all about these player projections. Baker Mayfield, on the other hand, will have more than 242. So you get on there. You take a look at what the defenses they're up against. How did they do last week? Is anybody injured? And then you make the picks.

It's a lot of fun. And you make 25 times your money this football season. And now they offer Apple Pay for quick and easy deposits. Also, basketball, you can do two or more players. Pick more or less on their projected stats. Place your entry. With basketball, you can pick combo projections across football and basketball from the specials league.

It's two or more players from different sports or leagues. For example, you can take LeBron James plus Travis Kelsey at a 10.5 combo of three points made plus receptions. I would do that. It's so fun because it just makes you get into the game so much deeper. So let's see what else. They offer a reboot policy so that your entries stay in play even if one of your players gets injured.

For football and basketball games, if you have a player who exits the game in the first half and does not return in the second, that player is rebooted. PrizePix is the only daily fantasy sports platform with an injury insurance policy. So, look, I love it. You're going to love it. Go to prizepix.com slash papers and use code PAPERS for a first deposit match of up to $100.

Look, you know, we get a lot of ads on this show, but if you're getting free $100, just do it. Just go to prizepix.com slash PAPERS. Use the code PAPERS for a first deposit match of up to $100.

PrizePix, it's daily fantasy sports made easy. Okay. Nice. And I think you know what I'm talking about. I'm heading to Vegas tomorrow morning because when things looked promising for my New York Jets, morning because when things looked promising for my New York jets, when I didn't just, when I wasn't disgusted by them, which I am now, which is usually exactly where I am every October and November. Uh,

I promised our good friend Jack from Wyoming that I would meet him in Vegas when the jets played the Raiders. Now there's no team I hate more than the jets right now. So there's no team I hate more than the Jets right now. So there's that. And there is no fan base or organization I hate more than the Raiders. So I don't even know what I'm doing. But that is why I'm not paying a lot for this ticket. I'll tell you that right now. And I've had frustrating experiences last minute.

You know I like to do these things last minute. And then game time came up and it's like it's made for me. So here's the Vegas app. Apparently, it's the most expensive stadium to see a football game. No kidding. Per seat or something. Oh, and the Raiders recently said that it's a bit of a backfire because it's like every every Raiders game is an away game because people are doing exactly what I'm doing. They're like, let's go to Vegas to see our team.

Anyway, so right now, way upstairs in 409, it's still $232, but this is what I love. It says all in. None of these surprises. There's other ticket apps where it's like, oh man, look at that. It's under $200 now. It's also like, wait, how did it get to 300 a ticket? And that's not the case with GameTime. Anyway, we talk about GameTime every week.

Love it. Go on there. Oh, I should see what else is going on in Vegas, by the way. Let's see. Shows. Here you go. You ready? Yeah.

Oh, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Get out of here. Together? Yes. I wouldn't have known that. And that's what I do. I tell people that I actually do

go on this thing to see what the hell Do they just like, do they just tell you who's the best actor? Do they give you the actors

in the Oscar categories? They do the Golden Globes routine? Yeah. Yeah. I gotta tell you something. Those two together are pretty fucking great.

I'm expecting a full hour and a half of mansplaining in their way. They're going to mansplain mansplaining. That's what I think that's going to happen. Then there's the Clippers at Ignite. I don't even know what that is, but it's tonight in Vegas for eight bucks. Sounds like WNBA, but I think they just finished. Wow. Oh, wait.

Who did I see do a WNBA, but I think they just finished. Wow. Oh, wait. Who did I see do a WNBA joke? It was just... Someone goes... It was maybe on SNL, and they go... I know I'm digressing here, but they go, hey, by the way, NBA, congratulations. Your New York Sparks won the championship, and the whole place

went crazy. And he's like, look at you. They didn't win. They lost. You don't even know. Yeah. I think it was Michael Che. Is he still on the show?

Maybe it was Michael Che doing the news. I feel like it was Michael Che. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, I think. So anyway, game time. Can't say enough about it. Deals on tickets right up to the start of the event, which is what I'm going to do. And I'll update next week and tell you how I did. You find exclusive flash deals.

There's sponsored deals on tickets for football, basketball, baseball, concerts, theater, more. There's zone deals where you pick the section and game time picks the seats and game time means you'll always get the best price. If you find tickets in the same section or a row for less, GameTime will credit you 110% of the difference. Take the guesswork out of buying tickets with GameTime. Download the GameTime app, create an account,

and use code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code PAPERS for $20 off download game time today. Last minute deals, lowest price guaranteed. Guaranteed! Who's got some paper? I have sweatpants and a wrapper. Hold on.

Oh, there you go. Extra! Extra! We all go. Extra! Extra! We all have found it! Extra! Does that work? There you go. What do you got for us? What's our top story?

It's not good news. Americans don't want to fight for their country anymore. Something I've been saying for months now. A majority of American adults would not be willing to serve in the military were the U.S. to enter into a major war. The figures come as all branches of the armed services have in recent years struggled to meet their recruitment targets, suggesting a growing apathy towards a survey of a thousand likely voters found that sentiment to fight for America was lowest among those who were 18 to 29 years old. Obviously, young adults were in the military's prime target for new recruits. where those born after 97 are argued that growing up, oh, they argue growing up in the Internet age had made them used to immediate gratification.

That's what someone said about them. Listen, I can't even get my daughters to watch TV with me. Right. You can't get them to do anything seemingly that they don't want to do. Right, right. So now you're going to get them to go fight a war. I'm just looking up the average pay. You get a $50,000 bonus for signing up for the Army,

and entry-level privates get $24,000 a year. But you've got to remember, you're not paying for housing. You're not paying for food. You're getting health insurance. You're getting, for food. You're getting health insurance. You're getting for the rest of your life. You get these crazy benefits, all kinds of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get all kinds of discounts on health insurance, life insurance, car insurance. If you get disabled like my my nephew got disabled while he was in the Navy, and he gets a check every month.

He gets like, I can't even tell you how. They're paying for him to go to Columbia University. Plus, he gets about $5,000 a month as a supplement to live off of while he goes to Columbia. Do I not know, is the Army a sponsor of this podcast and you didn't tell me? Well, I'm just into war. Yeah. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.

Say it again. Meanwhile, I don't know, man. I don't think they take, we don't take care of our veterans. I mean, that's just a fact. I can't believe all those guys have unlimited health insurance. I mean, they're all intense.

No, I didn't say unlimited health insurance. No, I said discounts. Oh, it's more affordable insurance for life. I mean, here's the thing. The new military. What is the what is our military industrial complex even do anymore? How much do we need a standing army. The new military is just taxing Gen Z on their assay bowls and yerba mates and then taking that money and sending it to other countries to get them to do our bidding. Right.

I mean, how often are we sending people over? You suggest you don't need them. We don't need their bodies. We need their tax dollars because that's what our military is now. Especially with the Acai Bowls or however you pronounce it. Did I say it wrong? I think so. I think it's Acai Bowls. Is it Acai? Acai.

Acai, which is another Native American tribe. They're below the Cherokee. That's right. In the Midwest. The other thing is, whatever, not to get on the soapbox but I kind of get what Gen Z's thinking because we've known relative peace as Americans for so long that we don't get that the war the world is and including, have basically always been at war to some extent. Like our fathers personally knew friends that died in Vietnam. Like that's a fact. There were neighborhood kids and 58,000 Americans died in Vietnam. Now to put that in perspective, just 20 years earlier,

20 years earlier, 405,000 Americans died in World War II. And between that, in Korea, 37,000 died. So that's your 40s, 50s, and 60s. And since 1980, in four decades, a total of 60,000 have died. Wow. I know. So if there was a really if there was a draft, man, Canada's better start building their wall now. In World War One, we lost one hundred and sixteen thousand troops. Yeah. And it was like 15 years later, the drums were going for world war ii and this by the way this is not

to minimize the heroes that gave their lives and were injured in the in the wars in the middle east that have been going on and you know uh of course i i think about when i had young kids that's when it really hit like before i had kids i was always like all right you know you sign up for the military they send you abroad and then you have kids and you realize like when i would be gone for more than two days on the road my heart would ache that i wasn't around my kids and i thought about these soldiers men and women that would leave babies three-year-olds to go abroad for two or three years yeah and sacrifice that time with their families. And you can't put a price on that. Dads and moms. Right, right.

No, it's super crazy. But the thing is, there was always a sort of constant level of some sort of crazy. It's, I don't know, the more I read and we'll move on. But I mean, the more I read about how close this could be to like the Russia, China, North Korea aligned with Iran and, you know, versus, you know, us. And we have we have different fronts that we're fighting on now and stretch too thin. OK, like if but to answer your question about the military industrial complex, like if we lay down our arms, if we just completely cut the budget in half, would China take us over? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I'm sure people have some feedback on that. I'd love to hear it. Everyone's saying that. Because that's a good question. Your ideology only survives if you protect it.

That's one theory. So also, do we need again, do we need six foot tall soldiers who are going to like storm a bunker? The bunker now, the way war is being waged now, the bunker is your mother's basement where you smoke pot and you play war games on your computer. basement where you smoke pot and you play war games on your computer. Why not just substitute, send them new software for a new game that they play, but they don't realize the drones are real and the civilians on the ground are actually dying. But you're getting the best minds to do this kind of warfare. That guy who stole a plane up in Washington and took it for a joyride. It was empty. They couldn't believe how well he could fly it. And he, and he's, and he's, they're asking him, they're like, have you, did you go to pilot school? Or he's like, no, I just played a lot of video games. And the guy told, and dude, he went out over this one lake and he thought this would be the end. And he did a barrel roll in an Alaska Airlines passenger jet.

And when he pulled it off, he's like, whoa. He's like, I didn't expect to come out of that one. No shit. And it came within 12 feet of the lake. Wait, why is this not a story on Sunday Papers? How did you not include this? Oh, no. It was a couple of years ago.

But you can go on YouTube and you hear the whole conversation. Damn. And you know who he sounds just like? Who's the comedian we love now who just had his Netflix special and he crushes everywhere? Shane Gillis? Yes. He sounds exactly like Shane Gillis. All right, listen. It was great you pulled off that barrel roll. Why don't you land at the military base? It's, it's like seven miles

ahead. They have the runway waiting. He's like, ah, no. He's like, I don't think those guys would be too happy with me, man. Like, I think they, I think they'd rough me up a little bit. Like, and then he, um, he put it into a site and a spoiler alert, he then made sure he didn't want anyone to be hurt. And he found an area and he put it into the side of a mountain. There we go. Let's keep it light. Let's keep it light, people. This was sent in.

I think you changed the order and you took. I was giving credit to a woman. Oh, I took it out. I'm sorry. Daniela Van Hurst, I think is her last name. This was one. She sends us great stories. She knows our voice. Yeah. So anyway, Pennsylvania State Police, they see a 258% surge in applicants after removing college requirement for the new cadets. This story is out of Philadelphia. The Pennsylvania force has launched a new cadet application cycle and they removed that college credit requirement.

The surge in applicants is 258% to apply. Candidates must possess a high school diploma or GED as well as a valid driver's license. Oh my God. Philly is about to be a nonstop Central Park five situation with the stupidest cops ever. I think they are. They may, I don't even know the reputation of the Philly cops, but now you're going to put these Philly morons on the force. Imagine how many Philly applicants would be removed if they didn't require high school. Imagine, it's a whole sea of them waiting. Or if you remove the prior criminal record, you want job applications to go through the

roof in Philadelphia, allow people with a history of hate crimes. You'll double your force. What is it with you? I love Philly. I do. I love the people. I think they're, I mean, look,

the fans are a little nuts, but it's a good city. Love the city. It's just the people. You know that. They will miss police officers with college degrees because they just bring a nuance to the job.

Do you know why I pulled you over? No. Well, do you know why iron turns to copper when you mix vinegar with salt and an iron nail? It's the reaction of copper with acetic acid, the presence of atmospheric oxygen. Can I see your license, please? And they also, they run out of breath by the time they get to the end of that stat. And they also, they run out of breath by the time they get to the end of that stat.

Hey, you won't get on your knees and put your hands behind your head? Well, you know what Kierkegaard said about the authority. It is disobedience to authority and not any conceptual confusion. It is the primary fault of the flawed modern approach. All these cops are going to be out of breath. I know. Spitting this incredible knowledge. It's a lot, but they learned it. You got to use it.

Remember Dr. Ruth Westheimer? Oh, I love this story. Sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer was appointed New York State's first loneliness ambassador. She was appointed by New York Governor Kathy Hochul. Westheimer is aiming to help New Yorkers with social isolation,

which is associated with physical and mental health issues such as cardiovascular disease, depression, and earlier death. By the way, I don't know that she's the first loneliness ambassador in New York. You should have seen me at Caroline's Comedy Club about four years ago on the Friday Night Late Show. I was a loneliness ambassador. Westheimer, a psychosexual therapist and author of more than 37 books, rose to prominence on television and radio in the 80s and 90s. She left Germany, her home country, at age 10, having lost her family to the Holocaust and became an ubiquitous media figure. In 2022, the 95-year-old Bronx resident suggested the idea of becoming an ambassador to provide advice on loneliness and isolation. Wow. Yeah, I don't know if anyone needs advice

from a woman who sold 37 books and still lives in the fucking Bronx. Yeah, meet me here at my office. Just get off the Yankee Stadium stop on the 4 train, duck, and sprint for 237 Broadway. Okay, if you have not heard Ruth Westheimer speak, that's exactly what she sounds like.

And I'm not joking. When we used to watch her, okay, she had a radio, an enormous, was it on Sunday nights, I think? Yeah, I think so. It was enormously popular. Everyone in New York listened to it. Yep. And it was people calling in like, my boyfriend's erection isn't that hard. And she would be like, what you got to do is suck on it right beneath the tip of the penis.

You couldn't believe what you were hearing. And she was an old woman then. Well, that's why she got away with it. They never would have let a young, virile man say these same words on the radio. No way. It was totally safe when she did it. Yeah. But, yeah, I just love, she sits with people.

Here's her technique. She sits with people who complains and says, were your parents exterminated in the Holocaust? No? Oh, okay then. On your way. So I did the math. I guess she, I mean, I literally didn't look it up. I kind of did the math. I, this has her born in the twenties. Yeah.

I think if a woman from the twenties is put in charge of comforting me about my problems and isolation, I am going to feel way more lonely. Yeah. I mean, you had to go back this far to a Holocaust kid to get someone who can relate to what I'm going through. I am not in good shape. Yeah. I've always said that about like, you know, there's always the like, you know, kids in China would die for that food. Like the key to being happy in life is always find a group that's doing worse than you. And that's a moving target

depending on how your life is going. When you're on top, you can go, at least I'm doing better than that guy that's only driving a Toyota Corolla. And then when you're driving a fucking Kia, then you got to be like, at least I'm doing better than that guy

on the electric bike. And you just keep moving your way down. Yeah. Right. God bless Dr. Ruth Westheimer. I didn't even know she was still with us. She's a survivor. She is a survivor.

Until she dies, then she's no longer a survivor. This guy, James Toothman, This guy, James Toothman, a jury in Ohio dropped a murder charge against a man accused of killing a woman by sitting on her head. James Toothman, 55, was arrested Sunday in connection with his girlfriend's death after Ohio police found Jenny Russell, 65, dead face down on the couch in the couple's apartment. The coroner's office found that Russell's neck appeared to be broken. Police records indicate Toothman told first responders and a nurse that her death was his fault because he, quote, sat on her head. He appeared in court where jury members failed to convict him. So the case was ignored by the grand jury today oh this is the best part no here's the best part oh per cincinnati per cincinnati cbs affiliate

wkrc toothman is legally blind so maybe he just thought her head was a pillow when i first read it, I was like, this was me and my roommates in college trying to fart on each other's faces. Sometimes others would help hold the person down. No, no. It was Animal House. Come on.

Oh, my God. You lived with civilized people. I did not. These guys, he was blind. He tried to dial 911, but he accidentally put 50 bucks on a Bengals game using our sports app. He probably

sat down, felt something crack and squish. I was like, called 911. He's like, listen, I just sat on something. I'm blind. I'm legally blind. I just sat on something on the couch. They're like, what was it? He's like, I don't. I have not checked. I need someone to come over here. I am not going to. I just sat on something on the couch. Like, what was it? He's like, I don't, I have not checked. I need someone to come over here. I am not going to, I have a feeling I know what it is.

It wasn't the remote control. It wasn't my bag of Jiffy pop. Uh, I, but come on over, please. I told you that story. Uh, I, it reminded me of it. I was in I was getting drinks outside. There was a happy hour at a hotel here near the beach. And it's very fancy. And it's incredibly proper and like, you know, very refined gay manager was like walking around and he sees me struggling with this lumbar pillow like it was it was the perfectly wrong size like it felt bad without it but then felt you know pushed me against the table with it and i'm moving around like i'm having lumbar support issues like oh i know what you're talking about and he goes once for easter my obese uncle got a rabbit and then he started dying laughing and he started laughing so hard he had to walk away. And I'm like, OK, I don't know what that was. And when he was able to finally regroup, he came back around and he goes, let's just say that was the most tragic lumbar support story ever.

Did he say it was on Easter? Yes. He sat on a bunny on Easter? He got a bunny for Easter. That's fucking hilarious. And he crushed it to death on the couch. Yeah. If he was gay, I think he was sitting on a lot of stuff

during holidays. A pumpkin on Halloween. A firecracker on the 4th of July. Maybe his uncle was gay. Runs in the family. It doesn't run in the family. It sashays in the family. Yeah, and the obese guy

does no running at all. So this guy Tuber, we all know this senator. Oh, Tommy. He gaveled out Thursday evening. He ended Congress's session early on Thursday ahead of Veterans Day without confirming any of the more than 360 pending military nominees. After Alabama, after Tommy Tuberville once again objected to the confirmation of each one due to the Department of Defense's abortion policies.

This is the second week in a row he's been forced by other members of the body to stand on the Senate floor and object to military nominees being brought up for confirmation. Like one by one, they said each name and he said no just to fucking drive it home. And everyone else said yes. Yeah, this went on for like an hour. All right, so let me get this straight. We're hiring a group of people to kill enemies for the country, but they can't kill the most vicious enemy a female soldier will ever encounter, this little gorilla that will rip out her insides,

disfigure her body for life, torture her with sleep deprivation, and eventually bankrupt her. This isn't an abortion. This is a tactical strike. If only drones could perform abortions. I'm going to look into that. Right. Yeah, just lay back, put your legs in the air, and wait.

We'll be there in eight minutes. Right. Yeah. Just lay back. Put your legs in the air and wait. We'll be there in eight minutes. This is old Tommy, who famously said that white supremacists are not racist. And I mean, technically what he said, he was he was not willing to say they were. And then a reporter goes, white supremacists are racist. And he goes, that's your opinion. Wow. Yeah. He also is on record saying that he wants to turn America into a Christian state. Oh, yeah. And he's the second most powerful person in America right now. You know, there's some Instagram account which says, here is your model for investing. You want to be rich? Here's your model for investing. for investing. You want to be rich? Here's your model for investing. Follow what senators and Congress people are investing in. Oh, no, there's a fund. You can buy into a fund now that does this.

And he is one of the most despicable in that area. Really? Oh, my God. And not only that, talk about a conflict of interest. He shorted the military. Look it up. I'm probably going to get some of these facts like the military. Look it up. I'm probably going to get some of these facts wrong. No need to correct me. But he shorted these because they weren't approved and they weren't like sent over or whatever or anyway, or it's been the opposite where he has bought defense stocks before then they announced that they're going to increase the budget for whatever

you know they need so he's just a despicable person anyway all right let's get to an ohio man is still recovering from an incident in june where he was dragged about a half a mile down the street by a car his wife was driving and he was saved by a bunch of bikers. So she pleaded guilty to aggravated assault. Eric Jones asked Williams for a divorce, and while sitting in the car outside of their home, she snatched her husband's phone. He reached inside the vehicle to get it, and she put the window up and trapped his arm,

drove off, and was driving down the street. And then eventually the motorcycle slowed the car down. He broke the window, removed his arm, and then he showed, he broke the glass. He said, I broke the window with my elbow. He showed his scar on his arm. The victim said his feet were badly damaged during the glass. He said, I broke the window with my elbow. He showed his scar on his arm. The victim said his feet were badly damaged during the incident. He said, quote, I don't got no heels, man.

I got to see about plastic surgery. Watch those plastic heels. They break. What a pussy. Fred Flintstone drove his car like that his whole life. And those streets were made out of rocks, not smooth asphalt. This guy

should sit on her head. That's legal in Ohio now. Sit on that bitch's head. And I, she, apparently she got hungry while she was driving around, so she went to the McDonald's drive-thru, but she backed in so she could keep the window

shut. Scrape him off. That's how she scraped him off the car. I wonder if people saw this and just thought, oh, this is one of those goofy pranks where like those legs that are hanging out of your trunk, those fake legs. It's Halloween. Yeah. There's a kicking, screaming man hanging out of her window. Well, I'm sure he doesn't want to get divorced anymore. She turned him around. Oh, yeah.

He's not walking out of this marriage. He's not walking anywhere. In Chicago, a former Christian student at a Chicago public school reacted to winning $150,000 after she alleged in a lawsuit that while on campus she was forced into participating in Hindu rituals. I'm a very strong Christian, Mariah Green said. She said a woman who was teaching her meditation in mandated quiet time asked her to bow to an image of a foreign deity she did not recognize.

The woman teaching the meditation said it would help her internalize the mantras and bring her to Zen. Aww. Aww. I mean, meanwhile, all right, so she's a Christian. She objects to this. How do you think Punjab in third period feels about having to say the Pledge of Allegiance under God or use money within God we trust written on it to pay for shitty cafeteria food or to stand in prayer circles at every sporting event? I mean, was she forced?

I mean, it says a mandated quiet time, but so what if you bow down? So it is a fucking statue. You got to give her a 50 grand ass to bow. Yeah, she was asked to bow. You don't have to bow. Yeah. Also, what a weird thing to ask her to bow towards is like she's like, no, thank you. I would like to bow my head towards what I usually do,

which is the torture scene of the man nailed to the cross. And just for shits and giggles, they put a thorn of crowns on him. That torture scene is the very Zen thing that I like to focus my attention on in these moments of silence. Thank you. You know what I'm noticing more of is Latinos, Latino men wear these crosses and Jesus is hanging. It used to be just a cross.

Now they put Jesus on it and he's got the thorns and there's blood. It's, it's gruesome. Yeah. Anyway, I bet this bitch didn't complain when she got a day off for Diwali. Hopefully she spent it watching old John Wayne movies to see the Indians. That's exactly right.

Yeah. The old Diwali, they were tough. Yeah. I have some Diwali arrowheads I found in Arizona. Well, I go to a lot of the Diwali casinos in Oklahoma. Yeah, but you can't keep the money. They're Diwali givers. They take it right back.

All right. Here's our old friend, Mike Johnson. I think I just conflated Mike Johnson with Tuberville in that last story. Oh. I haven't had enough coffee. Anyway, House Speaker Mike Johnson and his 17-year-old son both monitor one another's use of pornography, Johnson admitted in a resurfaced clip from his speech about the war on technology at the Cypress Baptist Church in Louisiana.

What a lunatic. Okay. During the talk, Johnson said that he and his son had installed accountability software called Covenant Eyes on their electronic devices in order to discourage them from visiting porn websites. Anti-LGBTQ activist Josh Duggar of the TV series 19 Kids and Counting used the same software to monitor his Internet use. He is currently in prison for possession of child pornography, but the internet always, it works.

Um, so anyway, it sends a report of your accountability to your partner. Uh, mine right now is my son, Jackie 17. And if anything objectionable comes up, your partner gets a notice.

I'm proud to tell you, my son has got a clean slate. Yeah, I'm sure he does. I grew up pre-internet, but me and my dad, just to keep each other honest, would check under each other's mattresses for Playboys.

And I don't even know what was in his because I could not get the goddamn pages to open. This doesn't sound like a fair, fair competition. Like, all right, I'm how old is this guy in his 40s or 50s? And I'm going to go against my son who's 17. You know how many phones that kid is borrowing? Right. You kidding me? I put the accountability on his sister's phone. Wait till you see that thing. Right. Right. She doesn't have it when she falls asleep. Yeah. Or, you know, Mark Maron used to have this bit about how he's got his Apple computer in the house and then his PC in the garage that he just uses for porn. He

calls it his slut computer. He doesn't treat it well. It doesn't even allow it in the garage that he just uses for porn. He calls it his slut computer. He doesn't treat it well. He doesn't even allow it in the house. I want to get the software, but I want my partners to be Jim Norton and Doug Stanhope, just to get access to the craziest porn on the internet. Well, that's what I think this thing is doing. What is it called? What is the software accountability? Covenantize. Yeah, you know what I think Covenantize is?

This is the way that the priests get to watch porn, but indirectly. That's what I think is happening. Yeah, they're monitoring. They're just monitoring. Yeah. You know, I thought about us when I read this story, that we could do in an effort to like curb our procrastination, which is what I call it. But if I get under deadline, your phone would just be pinging nonstop. You would be worried about me. Yeah. I'd be like, wow, Mike's got to write 10 pages tonight. Mike's got to he's got to write 10 pages tonight.

It's almost like a like a fuzz buster. Like it would just be people. Mike, where is it? It sounds close. Is he right outside doing it? The beeps are getting louder. You know, I had my friend Josh, you know, Josh. Yeah.

He sent me a link of some porn one time and it felt so creepy. To have a friend send you porn like, hey man, want to jerk off to the same thing I just jerked off to? Then we see each other and we can talk about it. No, I'll find my own porn.

Yeah. Thanks, but I kind of like the relationship I already have with your wife. No, thank you. All right, let's get to some entertainment. Let's do it. Oh, Dwight. Yeah, let's crinkle it up. Jeez, was that the front page?

That was just the front page, and we're already an hour and four minutes in. Guac moles. So we've got nine minutes left. All right, this is your story. Jada Pinkett Smith, her memoir Worthy, has been met with a severe lack of interest. She shared details and dragging Will Smith's name. The book has failed to perform in sales and rankings she overshared about her separation from will smith her entanglement with august alcina that

seemingly led to a loss of interest in her personal life with the failure she may need to accept the lack of enthusiasm and move on uh yeah she needs needs Will to go smack Dave Chappelle because that will end very differently than the last one. That'll be a book people want to read. Yeah. Put my wife's words in your mouth, in your brains, in your tablets. I just can't imagine writing a book about like all the most embarrassing moments of your life your humiliations and shaming your family by the way dear mrs fitzsimmons is now available as an audiobook pick that up as well as on amazon for the hard copy and i love that Barbara Streisand is making no news. Her long-awaited tell-all memoir. The problem is these two women have such huge egos.

It's only a tell-all that makes them look good. And no one cares. Honestly, no one cares honestly no one cares barbara streisand was on stern this week and she came off so full of herself and so out of touch she was talking about you know big victories in her life was that she she you know uh redid her house and put five new bedrooms in and And she's talking about, I mean, she is a caricature of how the rest of the country sees woke LA rich, out-of-touch people. Did Streisand ever have a kid? I think I should know that.

I think she did. Huh. Do you know she was an EGOT by the time she was 27 years old? Hold on. Wait a minute. I don't think she has a real EGOT. Wait a minute. I don't think she has a real EGOT. Let's see. I don't think she does. By the way, we're excusing Denman today. He had some family issues. Jason Gould. Elliot Gould and she had a baby in 1966. Did Barbra Streisand get an EGOT?

Poor kid never had a real mom. Yeah, she got an EGOT. Hold on. You and facts. I'm going to look it up. I'm looking it up right now. I'm telling you there was... She ranks among the few EGOT winners,

people who have earned one of each of the biggest honors. Hold on. She's got two academy awards she's got one two three four five six grammys she's got i'm gonna find a way to poke a fucking five five emmys she's got about 12 golden globes i don't see tony's though where is the Tony hold on I think she did what was the Jewish movie she did

all of them were Jewish no but there was one where she played a Jewish woman Yentl I think she did Yentl on Broadway before it was a movie hold on on Broadway before it was a movie. Hold on. She tied for Best Actress. Okay.

Hold on. We don't have to wait, but okay. Hold on. Tony Award. According to EGOT purists, Streisand might be cheating here. She scored two nominations for her roles in I Can Get It For You Wholesale and Funny Girl, which she would then replicate in the movie that won

her an Academy Award. But she lost both times. She finally took home a trophy in 1970, by which time she was a certified superstar. However, the Tony sitting on her shelf is a special award, meaning it wasn't competitive. Go fuck yourself. She's not a true EGOT winner. You know what else it means? If you take the T away, you're left with ego. Look at that. I have a million Streisand stories how productions have to flip shit around.

Carpool karaoke. She had to drive the car. What's her name's daytime talk show? How to put the seat on the other side. Oh, right. Jimmy Fallon set for her because her good side wasn't being shown. Yeah. And then Jimmy Fallon almost had to do the same. But then they came up with a clever idea. He's like, I'm not worthy. You sit at the desk. And it's all so you wouldn't shoot her bad side. I've gone on, I've talked about editors

in a Quincy Jones documentary. Anyway, she... It's such appearances. Beauty is absolutely only skin deep for her. And she's a monster. She's a monster. Speaking of monsters, let's go to Florida. Let's do it. Here we go. Okay. This was sent in by Brandon. Just a quick one. Brandon sent in one that was Cape Coral Roofing Company is giving a free turkey and an AR-15 with a roof purchase. A turkey and an A assault rifle with a roof purchase. So we're not doing that story this week, but we can keep that in mind for Thanksgiving maybe, because I want to follow up on this roofing company and see what happens.

It's probably going to be a hit in Florida. Let's face it. Okay. Florida deputies are hit and critically injured by a motorist in a quote, ambush attack. A motorist intentionally barreled into a pair of Florida deputies who were critically injured in an ambush attack Thursday. barreled into a pair of Florida deputies who were critically injured in an ambush attack Thursday. The corporals were standing in front of their police cruiser on a residential street when the driver came speeding towards them. The footage shows the car driven by 28 year old. I love this name. Ralph Boozy then came to a stop after it slammed into the police car. The sheriff's office was responding to the suspect's house where he lived with his mother,

and that's Mrs. Boozy to you, after she called for help because he was behaving violently. When you got a Florida man who lives with his mom and his name Boozy, you know there's a lot of fun in store. Also, Florida 911 operator gets a call that someone's behaving violently they're

probably like and yeah when a sheriff personnel arrived around 7 45 a.m boozy drove off but just after 8 a.m he returned and took direct aim at the deputies. There's no other way to describe this other than an ambush. Sheriff Chad Chronister said, really? How about attempted murder? Yeah, I think that's another way to describe it. Yeah. The two deputies already at the scene chased down Boozy after he exited the car and tased him when he refused to surrender. What a boozy move.

teased him when he refused to surrender. What a boozy move. Boozy has been previously arrested on three felonies and 14 misdemeanors. That's it? That's less than average for a Florida man named Boozy. That's a guy who's not going out enough. He's got to get out. That's an agoraphobe in Florida, 14 misdemeanors. Keep your numbers up, Boozy.

This kid has clearly played too much Grand Theft Auto. he that's an agoraphobe in Florida. 14. Keep your numbers up boozy. Um, this is, this kid has clearly played too much grand theft auto. He kept waiting for bonus points to show up in his windshield after he ran over the two cops. This is who you need to draft. We were talking about it earlier. Yep.

You want to draft someone who's going to handle that tank. Get boozy in that seat. Hey, what's going on in Australia? I'm going to tell you. Once I reach down, I get this. Sounding plastic. Australia man survives a crocodile attack.

How? Yes, of course. By biting back. An Australian cattle farmer has managed to survive a crocodile attack after biting the huge predator on the island. crocodile attack after biting the huge predator on the island. Colin Devereaux was working along the Finnis River in the Northern Territory when he stopped to check a billabong, an Australian term for a pond left when a river recedes. He could see some fish in the middle of the remaining water and decided to try to catch some before realizing that there was something else in the water.

I took two steps and this is what he said. And the dirty bastard latched onto my right foot. It was a big grab. He shook me like a rag doll and he took off back into the water about three meters. He pulled me in. Devereux recounted how he kicked the crocodile then he fell over with his head near the crocodile's head before trying to bite it I managed to have a bite he said but he couldn't get hold of the crocodile's head he said his teeth slipped and managed to get a hold of the eyelid which he described as quote pretty thick like holding on a leather

I jerked back on that and after about a second he goes past and he let go. He chased me, I think, three or four meters, but then he stopped. This is such an Australian story. It is, and I guarantee he's going to come home and be like, you know, those crocodile eyelids are pretty delicious, and it'll become like a new delicacy.

Like you, I cannot do an Australian accent, but unlike you, I don't try. Oh, come on. I nailed it. Crikey. I don't even know how to do it. But, you know, I think this isn't a joke at all, but, you know, what is it? Kangaroos use water also to trap. So kangaroos, that's how that one was holding a dog

the other week. They get in the water and they don't look as big or whatever it is anyway. And they entice the dog to come in. And I think the crocodile, the crocodile could have been eating those fish, but I think it's using the fish as bait. Oh, interesting. And it waits with just its eyes, or maybe not even above the surface at all. And then Devereaux stepped right into the trap, man. Dude, when I, we used to go to Florida a lot. My dad owned this little house in Port St. Lucie, Florida, and we used to go down there like barely ever.

And when we did, there was this, no, I think he he bought like his friend died dick ritazzi who owned this famous restaurant in new york as a matter of fact was one of the coolest restaurants in new york and mad men used to go there john don draper used to go to ritazzi all the time so dick ritazzi dies and he sells my father this little house in port st it was like a two-bedroom house and my dad said oh we'll rent it out during the year and then we'll go down for like a couple weeks in the spring we went down every three years and he never rented it once and the thing was a fucking money pit and then he finally gave up and he's

like all right i'm selling this house he sells it at a loss two Two years later, the Mets set up their spring training in Port St. Lucie, and Club Med opens up a two-golf course extravaganza. And I sent my mom an article. Ten years later, I sent her an article from the New York Times. Fastest rising home prices in the country, Port St. Lucie, Florida. But anyway, there was an alligator in the lake across the street from our house. Wow. It was like a 12-foot alligator, and his name was Carmichael.

And everybody got a kick out of him. He laid around. And then one year we came down, and I said, where's Carmichael? And the neighbor goes, oh, he ate a gardener. He's gone now. The gardener was clipping weeds at the edge of the pond and he pulled him in and he, everybody who's watching spun, spun, spun, spun, and then disappeared to the bottom of the lake. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. Once they get ahold of you and they do that spin, the death roll.

Oh boy. Yeah. Speaking speaking of death roll here we go i'm wearing my michigan hat we're going to sports now because jim harbaugh is in the news do you want to read this one uh sure he's the coach of michigan's uh uh football team and uh i guess he defied a warning from the second-ranked Wolverines in an extraordinary confrontation over a sign-stealing scheme that has rocked college football. He was disciplined by the conference less than 24 hours before a kickoff. At number nine, Penn State in the Wolverines' toughest matchup of the season. Michigan 9-0 had a shot to win a third straight Big Ten title

and the school's first national championship since 1997. He denied any knowledge of an improper scouting scheme in his program. He was warned earlier this week that he was prepared to take possible legal action if the conference

punished the program before a full investigation. I don't know what this is saying. Basically, he got fired for stealing signs from the other team. So he's not allowed to go to the game. They would know you are, but you can't videotape it. I don't know. I'm not defending them. I just always assume that you assume that everyone's trying to steal your signals all the time, don't you?

Anyway, it brings up that they don't have headphones. They don't have the system that the NFL has in place. So the signs are, they're using big boards and they're very easy to steal. So again, I'm not defending Harbaugh, but I was shocked to hear that. Like, of course you're going to scout the team. and I think they assume you're being scouted. And then you have to change up the signals every week. I just thought that was standard. Like the third base coach, you know, with his touching his arm and his thighs, they change that up constantly.

You sound pretty defensive. What's that hat you're wearing? Oh, Michigan. So anyway, Dickie and I talked about it. He knows far more about it than I do. And we texted about it last night and he goes, he wisely said, I would take Michigan tomorrow, giving away the points because people put too much emphasis on Harbaugh not being there. And sure enough, Michigan won today, and they covered the spread, and they're 10-0 now.

And then I said, I was thinking the same, as long as they know Penn State's signals. And Dickey goes, Penn State's signals are just different pictures of Joe Paterno keeping his mouth shut. Yeah, I mean, he could still coach. He was probably sitting in the bleachers dressed as a college student holding up posters, you know? Yeah.

Go for the field goal. Right. Bootleg right. They beat Penn State 24-15. Nice. And they were losing 3-0 for a while, and then they were never losing again. I don't think. I'm just looking at the box score here.

Michigan's number two in the country. We'll see how that goes. But they haven't really been tested. I mean, I don't know. I think who knows how they'll do against Georgia and stuff. All right, moving on to business? Now, let's go right down to this day in history. Just know that the Sphere lost $98.4 million and the CFO quit.

All right, this day in history. November 12, 1954, Ellis Island, the gateway to America, shuts its doors after processing more than 12 million immigrants since the opening in 1892. Today, tens of millions of Americans can trace their roots through Ellis Island, located in New York Harbor. Yep. All four of my grandparents came through Ellis Island. My grandfather did. His name is on the little bit but it turns out that name thing is

BS. You had to pay for it, which my dad did. So it's not like they put every name who came through on. Well, also not all immigrants who sailed into New York had to go through Ellis Island. First and second class passengers submitted to a brief shipboard inspection and then disembarked at the piers in New York or New Jersey. I didn't know that. Yeah, and then the worst, the truscum, like down, like lower level, way below deck, they went into Philly. Yeah, that's what happened there. That's what happened. So a lot of people came in from Eastern Europe. It peaked between

1892 and 1924. It was enlarged at that point. Extra buildings were put in. After World War I, immigration declined, and it was used as a detention center for suspected enemies, enemies. They passed quota laws on immigration in 1924, which reduced the numbers. In 1924, they switched from a processing center to serving other purposes, such as detention and deportation, a hospital for wounded soldiers during World War II. So, yeah, Ellis Island. Deportation's funny. Oh, your grandparents came in through Ellis Island.

Mine was kicked out through Ellis Island. Yeah, it's like a subway station. People go in both ways. Okay, we're going on to obituary. Let's do it. All right. And that's all, folks. Just a quick catch up with Matthew Perry, I think.

Maybe that was the week, but Richard Roundtree, Shaft, passed away. And we just want to give a shout out to him. He's often heralded as the first black action hero black action hero round she shot round tree shot to superstardom with his portrayal of private eye and smooth talking ladies man John Shaft in director Gordon Park's 1971 action thriller the star told the times in 2019 that he could still recall the interview with the director, Parks, that took his career from modeling for the Ebony Fashion Fair to being the guy everyone wanted to be. I was sitting in his office and he's saying, we're kind of looking for a guy who looks like this.

And I look over and the director had an ad that he had done and he goes, that's me. That's how it started. Roundtree was born July 9th, 1942 in New Rochelle, New York. He played football at New Rochelle High School, graduated in 61 and earned an athletic scholarship to Southern Illinois University. For his performance in Shaft, Roundtree was nominated for a Golden Globe as New Star of the Year. He went on to appear opposite Laurence Olivier and Ben Gazzara in the 81 epic Inchon, which I've never seen.

On the small screen, he played Sam Bennett in the 77 television series Roots. Yeah, I remember him in that. He was in a soap opera, and then he again, he was in City Heat, but I forgot this.

He appeared opposite Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman in Seven. Oh, OK. Yeah. And then get this. He died of prostate cancer last week or two weeks ago. But in the 90s, he previously battled breast cancer. And he didn't talk about it publicly because everyone just knows it is a female-like disease. It hadn't even been publicized, really.

Well, they weren't his breasts. He battled it, but he was battling it for this chick he was dating. But he had a mastectomy. No shit. Yeah. Shaft had a mastectomy. Oh, that's crazy. Shaft was fine.

But up top? Removed. Shaft was good. All right, let's get to the funnies. Let's cheer up after that. Let's do it. All right, so Haggar the Horrible. And he really was horrible.

And his men were even worse, I would say. We don't try to sugarcoat this history. Neither does the newspapers. Just to remind people, we read Hager because it's insane that the colorful, fun comics that the kids, the kids are first introduced to newspapers by reading the funnies, and now you've got these rapists the first frame is this woman and she's clear she's got some kind of party hat on like she's a queen

and uh hager and his boys are removing the loot and she goes i'm glad the duke is not here to see this and then the next frame she's got her arms around one of the marauders. And Hager says to her, I'm sure you are. So what? She, in the Middle Ages, is coming on to a guy that's robbing her house? That's Munchausen. What do you call that thing where you start to relate to your captor? Munchausen? Munchausen. No,

I don't think that's a different disease entirely. Isn't it Stockholm syndrome? Stockholm syndrome. Right. Why did I correct you? Yes. I knew it was German. She's clearly suffering from Munchausen. Munchausen. I mean, she doesn't have to come on to him. If she just waits five minutes, they're all going to have a turn on her. Yeah, exactly. Be patient with your rapists. Yes. Let them come to you or in you. Here's an idea.

When you're with rapists, play hard to get. Just try it. It'll still work out. Trust me. Leroy is getting into the car on the Lockhorns. Loretta is leaning against a fence talking to her friend. And as Leroy gets in, she goes, failure is not an option for Leroy. It's an inevitability.

That's tough. That's not supportive. Not supportive at all. Uh, wait, where is it? I can't read these. They're so small. Uh, so Leroy is getting, uh, mugged and he turns around. He says to the mugger, you're too late. I'm married.

That's like the Rodney Dangerfield joke That his wife's purse was stolen With all her credit cards But he hasn't cancelled them Because he's the thief spending less That's great Alright we got the far side So I got this great batch of far sides There was an article I saw

That has when Larson broke the fourth wall. So there's a bunch of them, but here's two. So there's these, uh, this one's called cartoon teenagers and you see the stuffy parents, they're confronting the son and the son's there and he's very angry and he's pointing at the parents and he's like, Hey, look, I didn't ask to be drawn. He's like, hey, look, I didn't ask to be drawn. And then the other one is this boss enters the room and there's two employees sitting at depressing desks. And there's a thought bubble above one of them. And the thought bubble is, oh, great.

Here comes my boss, that big, dumb geek. I hate him so much. And the boss is pointing at him. He goes, oh, yeah, Lewis, you're fired. You apparently forgot this is a cartoon, and I could read every word you think. That's good. Yeah, I'll do more next week, but they're really funny. All right, now I've got to tread lightly on this Blondie cartoon

because it's not featuring Blondie. It's got Blondie's daughter, who I don't know her name because they never really say it. She's a little thicker. She's thick. And she goes, hey, she's wearing a cheerleading outfit. It's tangerine, and it's fucking micro mini, and the bosoms make Blondie look like she's in the itty bitty titty committee. She goes, well, I'm headed to cheerleading practice.

And then Doofus is sitting on the couch. Again, that's the fourth time this week. She goes, I know, but the team is two and six. I'm not even going to read the cartoon. I just want to talk about how fucking smoking hot blondies daughter is and how mixed I feel about that. I don't know her age. I don't know if this is inappropriate. She's in high school, but she looks like she's 26. I don't know what to do in the last frame. You can see her ass and her calf. And that's enough to send me into the bathroom with some tissues.

And yet, I don't know, is she a freshman? I need some background. I don't know what's going on here. It's very distracting. Yeah, it is. But she is thick is the right word. She's the modern blondie. She's the new version of what a hot chick is.

Yeah, she's not emaciated. She's not too thin. No. She's not like, what would you call Blondie, other than perfect? Yeah. Blondie is very, very fit. Yeah, she's thick. All right.

So anyway, I'm a little confused about that one. Here's how we're going to get you into daily fantasy sports. You're going to go get yourself a discount, or you're going to get yourself a $100 first deposit match. Go to prizepicks.com slash papers. Also, game time is how you're going to get yourself to these games. I'm going there tomorrow. I'm going on game time tomorrow.

I'm going to the Jets game at Raiders, and I am waiting until the last minute. Don't forget, get the app, but use our promo code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase. Thank you to Midcoast Media doing a great job. Hello, hello. Don't forget the merch. the koozies. You are going to Venmo at Gibbons time. And they are coming right to you. I'm also thinking, I didn't tell you this, Greg.

I might make a little round take it each sticker to make sure the envelope stays closed. Oh, I like that. It's going in a regular. And we're going to sign them. All right. Let's blow it up this week, people. I want everybody to get a koozie this week and have it for the holidays. Have it for your nice cold eggnog.

You'll even get them. You'll probably get them by Thanksgiving if you act quickly, but definitely all December, these are going out the door. Yeah. All right. Thank you guys for being are going out the door. Yeah. All right. Thank you guys for being a part of the show. We appreciate it. We love you.

And I guess we'll talk to you soon. Yeah. And I think everyone should take it, Ish. Take it, Ish! Yeah. It's time to wake the neighbors. It's time for a Sunday paper. All the movers and all the shakers.

Come on, let's shout and read all about it We all love Fistoff's rage And Gibbons and Waterlighters are always great No matter religion, race, or age Fist will pop up on the top of your mother's grave It's time for Sunday Papers Come on and wake the neighbors Come on, no, fuck the haters

It's time for Sunday Papers, yeah. ¶¶