Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 192 11/26/23

Episode Date: November 26, 2023

Thanksgiving highlights and Kathie Lee reviews. A Maine lottery winner wants to stay anonymous, Mike Johnson is a perv and Taco Bell has a Christmas party that would put the Playboy Mansion to shame.��  

Read all about it! Read all about it! Read all about it! Read all about it! Hey now, read all about it! Not really a yell, not really a yell. Read all about it. Not really a yell. Not really a yell. Read all about it.

There he goes. Read all about it. He's back. Now we're back. Now the people know that there's an abused seven-year-old boy in Times Square with papers under his arm, trying to get a half penny. Give me a half penny. A half penny will do. All right, well, sorry we're late.

The reason we're late, we just watched the Michigan West. Oh, wait a minute. Hold on. I didn't put my earphones in. Oh, good Lord in heaven. What a pro. What a pro, ladies and gentlemen. He's been podcasting since before. I think they were called podcasts. I think they were just called voicemails. At first,

I don't know if you guys know this about the industry, podcasts were called voicemails, and you shared them with as many people as would listen. And Mark Maron and Greg Fitzsimmons had voicemail subscriptions. You could subscribe to the voicemails. What? No, all good. I was just telling them a little history about how you're a trailblazer. All right, there we go.

Got the headphones in. Yeah. So you're talking about football. We were a little late because of this. This is Sophie's live photo from the stadium in Michigan. I feel very self-conscious whenever I talk about college football because it's I I think I watched my first college football game other other than Doug Flutie, probably in my 50s. And now today I would not have missed Michigan-Ohio State for the world. Sophie flew back early from Thanksgiving to go to it. It's the last Ohio State-Michigan game she'll ever see on campus.

It's her second one, and she's a junior. And they won again. They've one and she's a junior. And, uh, and they won again, they've won three years in a row. I mean that kid and they hadn't beat Ohio state for 10 years before that. So that kid could not have timed this college experience better. Well, I'll tell you, I tuned in for the last 10 minutes or so, because I, I've never watched an entire college football game in my life. And, and I'm a huge pro football fan. I don't know why. My memory is so bad. I can't take in 44 new names every year for each team as they turn over the entire team every four years.

How about this? Sorry to interrupt. Michigan has two number twos on it, and they're both stars. One's defense, one's offense. No kidding. Yeah, so that wouldn't help your brain either okay go ahead no here's the thing about those two guys guess what they got paid today nothing that's the other reason i don't watch i'm watching the game they got these fucking beautiful uniforms all this

staff all these cameras you know everything is top rate better than the NFL. And I go, oh, yeah, because it's slavery. Because they are not being paid to work. Well, they kind of are now. So there's that. They're getting paid a penny on the dollar. If you're one of the top players that gets put on a video game, you make 50 grand a year. Wow.

I wonder if that's saying like, does anyone like investors or like company owners? Like I get paid $2 on the dollar. I never heard of that. Right. By the way, I just saw a chart of the top 1% their, their worth versus the bottom 50 on a graph and the two lines start out obviously you know apart and then the bottom 50 flat lines and goes up like five percent over 30 years and the one percent it just keeps going up and up and up. And then you hit the pandemic and it goes through the fucking stratosphere. Of course. Yeah.

There's a down in Palm Beach where I am right now. There's a it's called Worth Avenue. And that is the strip of the high end stores. And we walk by this big, unbelievable looking and my dad's like that used to be uh neiman marcus uh and he goes and um and it's a big you know it was a department store with the with the with the marble floors forever and you know cavernous and he, it's now a hedge fund guy's company. That's his office. No kidding. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. It's pretty crazy. But the problem is. And his house and his house he lives in here is two hundred and fifty million dollars. The problem is, is trying to, you know, close that gap a little bit or at least stop the trend

from growing wider and wider is that there's so many tax things built in as far as you set up a trust you put your holdings in in in life insurance long-term life insurance policies and real estate and you never get taxed on it so this wealth gets handed down from generation to generation and look i'm not knocking anybody that worked hard and made a lot of money, but there's a fucking limit to it. It's out of control. Yeah, we're not a we're not a caste system. We're not a class system like in caste to like. And then, you know, what happens is the right labels that is a death tax.

And well, yeah, yeah. It used to be called an estate tax. And then in the 80s, they changed the name. They spun it to be called an estate tax. And then in the 80s, they changed the name. They spun it to be death tax. And the truth is, if you are worth less than two million dollars, this does not affect how much you're going to be taxed on your death. It's a fact. No, by the way. No, no, no. It's why it's way higher. It's at least five. Yeah, I know. It's it's more. It's your point is even stronger than you're saying. All right. Well, let's not get into politics well the last thing i'll say is hey no one's saying uh have fun with your money they're going to go to texas money twice no give it to charities take

your family on a bazillion vacations do things while you're alive it's just like not creating you know rich infants that's what that's what the idea is okay well they're still going to be rich infants they're just not going to be fucking right billionaire infants so let's talk about um uh my special i don't think we've talked about it on this show because i filmed it last week i know it feels weird a of, including Thanksgiving, a lot has happened. A lot has happened. I want to thank the people at the Comedy Mothership in Austin.

They provided me so much support. The special went amazingly well. I really felt so comfortable. 800 Pound Gorilla was the production company. And Adam Eget over at the club and Curtis, they just were great. And the crowds that came out were unbelievable.

And I just, anyway, I'm just filled with a sense of gratitude for everybody that helped make this happen. And so it'll come out probably in February or March. And we'll see if we can shop it around to Netflix and some other places. People don't understand, like, Netflix doesn't buy a special from someone like me. They buy it from Chappelle or Seinfeld, but everybody below that has to go into their own pocket and shell out a lot of money to shoot a special. and shell out a lot of money to shoot a special. And then you, because if it's not at certain specs,

if the quality isn't super high, they won't even look at it. So you gotta fucking invest. And then if they don't buy it, which is likely with me, I will put it on YouTube and people will be able to see it on YouTube. We'll pump it up on the podcast and see what happens. But anyway, I had a blast.

Wish you could have been there. I know. I was so glad I checked in with you. You were so happy with it. So that was great to hear. The best was, should I tell the story or should I? No, I'll tell the story later. But we had some mishaps that were worked out early on.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do tell those. All right. So, uh, so the crowd is all set up and,

uh, and they have the feature act finish and then they stop down and they go, okay, everybody go get a drink, go to the bathroom because once Greg goes on stage for an hour, nobody can get up, nobody can order a drink, it's just, you know, watching the show, so everybody leaves, everybody gets a drink, everybody goes to the bathroom, they give a two-minute countdown, one-minute countdown, and they're like, okay, let's start it up, ladies and gentlemen, Greg Fitzsimmons,

I walk on stage, I do my first, And first of all, I was so fucking tight. I was so nervous because I'm directing my own special. So I'm looking at camera views and lighting stuff like five minutes before I'm going on. And so I walk up on stage and I'm tight and I start and I'm like, all right, this is going to be fine. And then a fucking big tall guy walks right across the middle of the room and so i just go hey sorry everybody we gotta start over again and i walk off stage and we wait we wait a couple minutes and then ladies and gentlemen greg fitzsimmons i walk on stage big rat bigger round of applause because now it's kind of funny and And I do the same first joke. And okay, laughter.

Woman now walks in and walks through the middle of the room. So I go, I'm sorry, everybody. We got to stop. I walk back off stage. We wait another couple minutes. And then, ladies and gentlemen, Greg Fitzsimmons. I walk on stage, do the same fucking joke. Guy walks through. I go, do the same fucking joke. Guy walks through.

I go, look at this fucking asshole. And the place goes crazy. And I go, start again. I walk off. I'm like, what the fuck is going on with the staff here?

This is insane. And so I go up the third time and the place goes fucking crazy. And I go, wow, this just feels so familiar. And it gets a big laugh. Fourth time. This is the fourth goes fucking crazy. And I go, wow, this just feels so familiar. Well, wouldn't it be the fourth time? This is the fourth time. Yeah.

And yeah. And they laughed hard at the first joke. But by then, I was having so much fun because it was so ridiculous. Right. I was relaxed. I was confident. I felt the crowd supporting me.

And then I'm telling you, I did not flub a single fucking line in that first show. I had been practicing it for months and I just, it just all came out. I did some fun crowd work. And, uh, and at the end of the show, I was just like, I'm done. I don't need the second show. That was it. Wow. That's what they say about them. show that was it wow one and done that's what they say about him one and done wow well listen that's good good advice for anyone who wants to tape their special tape it in the hallway of joe rogan's comedy club down in austin right in front of the men's room yeah so um bad did a little Kill Tony on Monday night. That was fun.

Oh, very nice. Roasted some people and back for Thanksgiving. It was good seeing you on Thanksgiving. Usually you're up in Ojai and you were down here with the girls. It was great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a really good Thanksgiving. Yeah, we got there very late. So cool seeing your mom.

Yeah. Mom's hanging in there. It was great. Yeah. She was still, yeah, up in there great yeah she was still yeah up i was surprised she was up so late oh yeah no no my mom is always the last person to leave the party always she and tom o'neill and here's how you know when it's time for her to leave she drinks red wine and the night starts out and she's got a nice white smile a couple glasses in turns kind of pink uh then it gets a little red. And once her

teeth are purple, I'm like, mom, time to go. Because her move, I don't know, did she do the face hold move to you? A little bit of the face hold move, like you would a puppy? Yes. Yes. She gets drunk and then she holds people's faces. And she's about four inches from your nose and she looks in your eyes and in the most loving, sincere way tells you what a wonderful person you are and how much she loves you. And nobody who's ever been through the face hold has ever not asked about my mom

every time I saw them for the rest of my life. She just gets right in there. You left out where she then smashes her forehead right on your nose. She's Irish. That's how you close it out. But the best was she does that to me. We catch up. It's amazing. But she dominates like, you know, I she knew she was I was she walked over, but she was the first person in the room to to to greet me. But I had the rest of the room to say hi to. And I then peel off of and come over to you and I hug you because I hadn't seen you.

And you're like, what color are my mom's teeth? And she got to meet your lovely girlfriend. Yeah. And she liked her very. She thought she was very charming and she said she goes she really likes to touch mike oh says the face grabber i know i know and she goes and mike's mike's not a big toucher i gotta know that's because i don't grab your mom's face back, I guess. Right. Right. And now, now who was the kid at soccer? Uh, and I, I think he had left the party early. He wasn't there, but we played your soccer game earlier

in the day. And I think he's on the spectrum, I believe. Oh, Ali. Ali. Yeah. And Ali. Oh, Ali came from Vermont, didn't he? Yeah. Ali's from, he's from LA and he's Lisa's nephew. And he has, yeah, he has intellectual disabilities. Love, love, love Ali. Love Ali. Playing soccer with him. Yeah. And he just will engage you in conversation and all this.

And you can tell he's dealing with something. But then he just would get so enthusiastic and yell out things. And then I think I heard, I don't know if I heard this and maybe people know, but it sounded like he then yelled out things. He probably has been told like little sayings to remember, like, remember my absolute favorite show was love on the spectrum. And they had a coach who was used to dealing with them and gave them advice. And a lot of the advice is about trying to help, uh, at least on that show, people read social cues and you have to ask, ask questions about the other. So there's a lot of that. Anyway, at one point in soccer, he's talking to me a bunch,

and I'm loving the conversation. Then he just screams like, out of nowhere, he'll just scream, less staring, more action. That was one. He would scream, less staring, more action. Yeah, while he's pumping his fists. It's very inspirational. It's Braveheart.

Then a little while later, at one point, he goes, he screams, this is point he goes, um, he screams, this is what I think I heard. Let other people shine. And I'm like, oh my God, me and everyone I know needs to scream that to ourselves. Like I'll just you and you do it too. Like we will fill if there's any gaps we're going to fill, we're going to fill. We're comfortable in, in, in, in telling a story. It gets us through social anxiety and we do it too much. Just I'm definitely guilty of it. And so let other people shine. I might print up the t-shirts.

No, he's great. And if people don't know, we play, we play, we've played soccer every year for like 15 years at like 10 in the morning. We had like 15 on 15 this year. And Ali is, he scored a goal. Yep. The defense might have gotten a little lax for him, but he did score a goal. And he made me, he makes me spoons. We're like Instagram buddies.

We talk on Instagram every week for years. And so he made me this spoon. He hand carves it and burns it like with messages. And it said Turkey Bowl 2023. It was so sweet. Hearing the Dunskies talk about him is so great because Evans is trying to be funny. But so Lisa's talking about, you know, the circumstances where he's now living with them in vermont and uh and he's like and he's up every and lisa was describing something like he's up every day and he's in the kitchen and it's just so much energy and it's great and i was like it's not great and of course evan is joking and and and had the best things to say about the guy, including like your spoon story.

He, I think, has made them for everybody in this Vermont town. And Evan's like, he's like the mayor of our town. Yeah, that's amazing. Yeah. And yeah, they're trying to get him into some kind of. He's living with a couple that has taken him in and they live near Lisa and Evan. But it's like a step towards independence. And people, I think they get paid by the state and their caretakers. And he's about 25, Ali. And, you know, he's always writing me these long messages about families that he follows on YouTube.

And, you know, it's like they have millions of followers, these YouTube families, and they live, like, in the middle of Oregon. And he's always telling me, I'm getting ready to head up there. I'm probably going to live with them. He has these fantasies about traveling around the world. Yeah. And it's really, yeah, he's a beautiful spirit. What's this baby book?

What did you write in here about baby book? My mom, so I found my baby book? What did you write in here about baby book? My mom. So I found my baby book that my mom kept. And it was just one funny. Yeah, yeah. And it has a piece of my hair. And I was the first child, unlike you. So they took that stuff very seriously.

Laura, my younger sister's baby, the details fell off. They had a record of every one of my teeth. They had the timeline of my first step, my first, you know, everything. But one detail I saw, and I am not joking, and I will take a picture of it for next week, is it goes in there. I forget what the disease was. There was a disease that is very common for infants and all that or newborns. And I was just under one year. I was around one year old, I think. And it said, it goes, oh, Mike sick.

And then it goes, 105 fever. 105 fever. Hold on. For three days. No. And then put him in the tub. What? A cold plunge.

She was the first cold plunger. I've watched her all my whole life. Like, I can't remember anyone's name. I can't remember my short term. Yeah, my brain fried for three days. What? 105 for three days. What? One hundred and five for three days. Dude, our mothers did not. First of all, that's amazing that you have that. That is such a cool thing that they did and that you have and your kids will have.

But no, our moms did not take us to the doctor with high fevers. did not take us to the doctor with high fevers. I mean, I remember one Oh 3.5 being like, you know, yeah, we got New York flus when it was fucking cold and windy. And, uh, we had shitty winter coats. We were sick all the time. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it took a lot to get me to the doctor in my house. I don't remember ever seeing the doctor when there weren't lots of shots involved, which means I only went there once a year. Oh, yeah.

I have scars all over my body that should have been stitched up and were not. Totally. Yeah. Totally.

I have an ankle to this day that I broke that I was not taken. My mother went to the pharmacy and she got an ace bandage and she got me a fucking set of crutches. And that's how I walked around for about two months. Never visited a doctor to this day. When I get up in the morning and I walk to the toilet, I fucking hobble like Ebenezer Scrooge. I have burns and also the vivid memory of butter being put on them.

Which I think is the worst thing you could do. I think I think things have turned around on that advice. Yeah, I don't think putting butter on a scalding child's burn is the thing or anyone's burn is the thing to do anymore. Yeah. Although I remember when Owen was teething, we were trying to calm him down, and he was like apoplectic for days. And I was laughing, and I was like, you know, when this happened to me when I was a kid, my mother used to put Jack Daniels on my gums, and I was an infant. And so we go to the doctor, and he looks at him, and he goes, well, you can do this, that. He goes, but you know, the best thing is just like a little whiskey just put a little whiskey on the gums this is like dr harvey carp who's gone on to be like the the baby doctor in the country he's like famous he lectures he has

books yeah no uh whiskey in bottles was incredibly common and uh more more prevalent in the irish community i'm sure but my mom's dad was a a binge alcoholic and she grew up and the idea was he would walk the dog he always walked the dog but he didn't always come back and and sometimes then it would and when and none of the times he didn't it would be like will you and this was literally my mom's job. It sounds like Springsteen wrote about that in his book, too, when his mom would send him to get dad, get him out of the bar. It would be after a certain hour or whatever. And my my grandmother would tell my mom, go get rusty out of the bar, meaning the dog. Don't even try to get your dad out of the bar. Go get the dog out of the bar.

Dude, if that was a biography, that's the fucking title. Go get rusty out of the bar go get the dog out of the bar dude if that was a biography that's the fucking title go get rusty out of the bar yeah and this guy would be in charge of watching me so then my mom goes oh and if it seems a little fussy just put a little of this whiskey now she's saying this to an alcoholic who who is not drinking and hopefully will not drink while he's watching me right but put a little whiskey in the bottle so my mom mom tells me where she comes home and there's noticeably less whiskey in the bottle. And she was worried that he started drinking it. No, he used that much in my bottles that night to get me to sleep. No shit. Yeah. I still wonder what, yeah, maybe that knocked out my 105 fever. Wow. Yeah, no, that was good. Then when, when I had the flu, my mother used to make hot

toddies, which I think a lot of people know what hot toddies are, but it's basically it's tea with clove and honey and about a shot of whiskey. And I would be like seven. And we would drink hot toddies all... And she would have one with me. And we'd drink them all day. And then, you know, everybody else would come home around five o'clock and me and mom are fucking slumped on the couch, hungover, still have the fever.

No one knows your mom's drinking because her teeth are still white. All right, well, listen, let's give a shout out to Ira Shane, who did looks like the captain and Tennille logo, which. Yep. I'm Tennille. You know, we have a lot of young listeners because they come out to my shows. And I'm always shocked that we have so many people in their 30s and some even in their 20s. So I don't always know that these logos land with them, but I think this is pretty iconic, even if you're young, right?

No. No, you wouldn't know this. And even to me, if I pause my understanding of it, it is the biggest question mark ever. He never said anything. It was a variety show where they would do comedy sketches. How did they get a time slot on television, the Captain and Tennille? Because that was the format in the 70s. Every musical act got a talk show. Sonny and Cher had one. Tony Orlando and Don. Tony Orlando and Don. And so and meanwhile, here's what I loved

about that show. Both of them were homely. And that was the thing about the 70s and maybe the 80s is that TV personalities did not have to be gorgeous. You could just be interesting or talented or whatever, and you could get a show. Donnie and Marie were, you know, adorable, but they were teenage Mormons. Yeah. And they were given their own show. Yeah. The monkeys were given a show. But the Captain and Tennille, like, I'm sorry, 100 out of 100 times,

I see that listed. I don't know anything about it. I am totally assuming it's a ventriloquist show. Yes. And I think he was associated with the beach boys at some point i think he played with the beach boys meanwhile we're gonna get letters you don't understand the captain like created sly stone sound sly stole it from him you know there's gonna be some crazy thing like that denman can you put down the fucking eggnog and look that up for us? It's like he's not on the show. He is literally producing the show and researching.

I took a picture. This is in his fridge downstairs. You ready? Can you see what that says? Oat, oat nog. Oat nog. He has, it's too late to try to be healthy. If you're going nog, it doesn't matter if it's milk or, I mean, oat or egg.

Right. Oh, so Demond just wrote, LOL, you ignored my football note. I didn't ignore it. It wasn't usable. It wasn't interesting. And so instead of researching this, he's writing me notes about that he's bitter that we ignored something he wrote earlier. What are you, fucking Mel Brooks?

We're supposed to use everything you write in there? Oh, man. Yes, he says. So good logo. Thank you, Ira. And then the song from Jeremy Davis was outstanding today. Loved it. I have to say I have not heard it yet.

You did not send it to me. So I look forward to hearing Jeremy's song. Thank you, Jeremy. Here's what I'm looking forward to. San Francisco Punchline this weekend, November 30th to December 2nd. This might be my favorite club in the country. Maybe my second. Fort Worth Hyenas, December 15th and 16th.

Milwaukee Improv, December 29th through the 31st. The Den Theater in Chicago. I fucking love this little theater. January 13th, one night. Then I'm coming to Atlanta, Portland, Portland, Oregon, La Jolla, and Tampa. Tickets at FitzDawg.com. Come out and see my new material.

The old stuff is now flushed and behind me. So listen, speaking of going to events, why don't you talk about how you go to events, Mike? We love game time. I was just looking down at the phone. That's why it was a little spacey as you read, as you plugged yourself. Here it says I'm in Miami. That's fine. I just

said look nearby. Cowboys, Dolphins, Sunday. Right now it's 365 and you're going to watch that. You're going to watch that come down. You're also going to a Taylor Swift concert in October 24. Plenty of time for that to go down. Let's see what else they got here. The Hurricanes. I went on Discover, so you can see all the shows and everything on GameTime. Last minute tickets. They have flash deals, zone deals, easy to find and buy tickets,

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for $20 off. Download GameTime today. Last-minute deals. Lowest price guaranteed. Speaking of games, if you want to get involved and you want some skill-based fantasy gaming, you're going to go to Daily Fantasy Sports. It is the biggest platform in North America,

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and you can do it during basketball season now too. You just select two or more players, pick more or less on their projected stats, and place your entry. So with basketball, there's combo projections across football and basketball. You can merge them together. For example, like LeBron James and Travis Kelsey and a 10.5 combo of three points made plus receptions. So you're watching everything. It gives you more of a reason to watch stuff.

And you can do it with celebrities now. Apparently, we haven't been asked to do this, but rapper Meek Mill and comedian Andrew Schultz, you can play alongside of them. There's like a community plays. Nice. And they have that reboot policy too, so your entries stay in play even if one of your players gets injured.

Oh, that's awesome. And then this week, my prize picks is Christian McCaffrey for more than 75 yards rushing and Mahomes for more than two passing touchdowns. I've also got Joe Burrow for more than two passing touchdowns and Travis Kelsey for more than 75 receiving yards. So I've been on fire lately. I turned—I should, full disclosure, they gave me a credit of $100,

and I now have it up to $425. What? I've only been doing it for like three or four weeks. So it's fun. Here's how you're going to do it. Go to prizepix.com slash papers and use code PAPERS for a first deposit match up to 100 go to prizepix.com papers and use code papers for a first deposit match of up to 100

high i i can't daily fantasy sports made easy get involved all right you got a paper you know what i think i have paper here you probably don't in your office anymore. Yeah, I got some laying around somewhere. Hold on. Let's see. That's... Oh, I got an envelope. You ready, punk?

Did you do it? Envelope. Here we go. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Done. All right. Top story. What do we got?

Late Thanksgiving night, Tiffany Haddish was attacked in Beverly Hills by a fan. What fan, Greg? Tryptophan. See what I did there? Haddish was taken into custody after police received a call about a car stopped in the middle of Beverly Drive at about 545 a.m. According to the site, the vehicle's engine was running and the driver could be seen slumped over the wheel. No accidents were reported. Photos published by TMZ showed the girls trip star being put into the back of a police car while in handcuffs on thursday night this is very nice of her haddish performed at west hollywood's the laugh factory for its 43rd annual free thanksgiving feast which is a very

cool thing which by the way i should mention tiffany started in L.A. You know, you know the whole story. She was a foster kid and tough upbringing. And basically, Jamie Masada, that owns the Laugh Factory, took her under his wing. And he does these comedy classes, kind of discovered her, supported her over the years. And so she's very loyal to the Laugh Factory. And she's always at these. They do these feedings for the homeless on the holidays. And I do them sometimes. And she's always at these, they do these, um, feedings for the homeless on, on the holidays. And she's, I do them sometimes and she's always there. Yep. And,

uh, she had no, her beginning was crazy. And, you know, she said in all these interviews, she used to sleep in her car, actually, I think in Beverly Hills, because she was unhoused. She was trying to scrape everything together and get her career started. Haddish was previously arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence in Atlanta. And she commented on that on the Ellen show, actually, in 2020, telling the audience members, yes, I did get charged with DUI, which stands for dumb, unfortunate incidents. So our friend Dickie wrote a very insensitive joke saying she went from having to sleep in her car to becoming so successful she had to sleep in her car. All right.

She better flub the line. Yeah. Apparently girls trips never make it to the destination, Greg. That's my takeaway. Well, listen, I'm not going to sit here and make fun of Tiffany if she's having some substance issues. I hope she's doing fine. She's the best. No, she is great. But you know what it's like. You're on the road and you're in all these strange rooms and all that. When you finally get back to your bedroom, you just want to pass out. And that's what happened. She finally got back to her car in Beverly Hills,

and that's her original bedroom, and she just wanted to go to sleep. Wow. What's going on with the Macy's parade? We love Tiffany. Come on. These are lighthearted little ribbings. Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade,

I have no idea why they drew the biggest TV audience ever what? are you serious? the annual telecast was seen by 28.5 million viewers on NBC and is the most watched entertainment program of the year on linear

TV but not without controversy Cher has been faced with a barrage of criticism as she, after she appeared to lip sync during her performance at the parade, eagle eyed fans noticed how the song seemed to keep playing, including the vocals. When Cher's microphone was nowhere near her face, as she took off her shiny coat,

Cher moved the microphone away from her face, but the vocals didn't falter. So to call these sleuths eagle-eyed, I think they mean eagle-eyed mentally slowed down fans who have no idea that every performance for 200 years at the Macy's parade has been lip synced. Yeah. Like what don't you get about this? Yeah. They also seem,

they also said it's a little unusual that an 80 year old woman has the face of a snare drum and she didn't have to pee once during the performance. These same eagle eyed fans also saw, wait a minute, that big balloon. Isn't the real Kung fu panda the real kung fu panda doesn't look like that that's fake yeah he's not eating any bamboo shoots and he hasn't shit once in three hours and look how giant is he he's not that big usually oh this is bullshit

by the way i just looked up the most watched TV, because this was, what was the number? 28.5 million. The most watched TV broadcast in history was 150 million. Can you guess what that was? The MASH finale. Nope. Apollo moon landing.

And then second place, and this is shocking to me, was last year's Super Bowl, which got 115 million people. Was it that special of a Super Bowl? Last year, I don't know why. I don't even remember last years and the bangles was it um i think you're right mash finale mash finale is does is not it's a mash finale is number 13

with 105 million but but no 105 and 97 that's 106 million for a a TV show that had a laugh track, and it was shot in the desert. It's weird. But the top 30 are almost all Super Bowls, and Nixon's resignation was 10th. Roots, the final episode of Roots, was number 16. The day after, oh, I remember that. I remember the number 16. The Day After. Oh, I remember that.

I remember The Day After. I watched that. It scared the shit out of us. Yeah. 1983. It was about the nuclear holocaust and what it would be like. It was crazy. So no matter how you look at it, every top rated show except this Macy's is a finale.

Nixon's resignation. The Day After is about the end of the human race. Of course, the pursuit of O.J. Simpson was number 21 with 95 million views. I'm surprised it wasn't higher. It was his finale. Kind of. And Leon Spinks versus Muhammad Ali in 1978.

Oh, damn. You didn't have to pay for it. I guess that's pre pay-per-view. Right. It was. Oh, my God. Yeah. But this Cher thing now, I don't know what to believe. Like, like, are her fans even homosexuals? Everything's blurry now. I don't know what to believe about her. Yeah. She she really the gays love her. That's for sure. I saw these videos of the story you're about to read while I walk over there and get water, and the videos were hysterical. By the way, Denman just wrote in, betting has something to do with it.

Also, Rihanna. Why would betting be different this year than other years? No, there's so much more betting now. There's more betting. And also live betting. Yeah. Right. So you can chase your bad money.

Yeah. What do you think Denman's most watched programs are that he's watched and rewatched? I think he keeps watching the January 6th. Right. Yep. And then there's of course american history x yep that's a good one you're right yeah so um this next story why don't you go get a drink do you need a drink he also he watches this weird movie he found, which is 12 Years a Slave Owner. Oh, really? It's an independent movie. Oh, my God.

Wow. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah. It was also rough. It's an untold story. It was also rough for them. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to go get a glass of water as you read this story. Go for it. Okay. I'm going to read some story here. A group of L.A. residents heading home from Las Vegas got stranded in the desert after Google Maps reportedly led them on an off-road adventure to avoid traffic caused by a dust storm. The bumpy ride for Shelby Easler, her brother, and their significant others began Sunday when Easler said they were advised by the system to take a quicker off-road route instead of Interstate 15, which was experiencing delays.

They wound up on a dirt road, had to call a tow truck, and they said it was our first time driving to and from Vegas. We didn't know if you can really. There's I-15, period. That's it. There's no other way to get to Las Vegas. I know a guy who did this. That's why I love this story.

You mean this past week? No. He did it years ago. It happens all the time, by the way. I once got on I-10 to go to Las Vegas. And like an asshole, I was doing a show that night in Vegas. I got on the phone from L.A. And it's normally like, what is it, about a three-hour drive, three and a half?

Four. Four, okay. 300 miles. So I get on the road at like noon, and I get on 10, and I get on the phone like an asshole. I start rolling phone calls, talking to people. Next thing I know, I see a sign that says, Welcome to Arizona. And I'm like, Vegas is in Arizona? I thought it was Nevada. welcome to Arizona. And I'm like, Vegas is in Arizona. What?

It was Nevada. I never switched off to the 15, which basically the 15 starts going North and the 10 just continues. So I'm like, 10 continues. It's really going Southeast at that point. And there was no GPS at this point. I just had a map and I looked on the map and I saw that there was a very small red line zigzagging

through the mountains from where I was all the way to Vegas. And so I just said, fuck it. And I get on this road and it was hairpin mountain turns for four hours. And all of a sudden, I get to, I see

the lights coming up ahead. At this point it's 7. to, I see the lights coming up ahead. And by this point it's seven 30 and I see the Vegas lights. I got an eight o'clock show. I pull up to valet and, uh, and I just dive out of the car and I fucking run into the showroom and I was literally on in five minutes and I made the show. And then a man walked into the bathroom in front of you and then a woman

did it that's right and uh no this footage of these people getting their cars beat up so badly they could only go like three miles an hour and then they had to get yeah the tow truck it's and get towed out i'm guessing these losers didn't have any spare cash to tip the tow truck driver because guaranteed they lost everything in Vegas. They just they're addicts. They can't help. So even on the way home, it's like this road or that odd or even black or red. What's the over under on how long I can drive with my eyes closed through this windy road? How did they even make it through the Miracle Mile shops at Planet Hollywood? How did they navigate that? By the way, I was thinking this might be like the first dry run of AI leading us all to our deaths.

Just changing our navigation systems to take us deep into the desert where we fucking starve to death. Yeah. Hey, why haven't we seen this? And I bet Denman might know the answer. Like, I was thinking about, oh, imagine if there was a video game where you had to drive, you know, like where you gambled. Like, how far can you make it on this course? Can you beat the other driver? So it would be physical skill, you know, and rather

than like blackjack. And then I thought, well, why, why wouldn't they have, you know, gaming, watching gaming on YouTube is one of the biggest things there is. Why wouldn't they have gamers in a casino, like fighting each other or whatever it is and live betting like a cockfight what do you mean fighting each other like video like video whatever whatever video games are like mma video yeah or shooting each other like you know the uh all the war games that they have well what about just i like the car racing thing what if you pick you know, a race track, you know, Monte Carlo's racetrack or Monaco, whichever one that racetrack is in, and you race against 50 other people? Right. I like it.

Oh, Demond's writing, they absolutely have betting on esports. Yeah, but what about you participating? What about you being the driver and everybody puts in 50 bucks and the winner wins 25 grand? I think these are tough questions. He said, do it at mothership.

What does that mean? What does that mean? Hold an event, Greg. Okay. All right. Everything is legal in Texas except weed, right? Weed is not legal and abortion is not legal. Oh, yeah.

Well, that, of course. But they'll let people lose all their money for sure speaking of winning money a man who won one of the largest lottery payments in u.s history has filed a lawsuit against the mother of his child in an attempt to keep his identity concealed the man won 1.3 billion in Mega Millions this year. And then he has sued his child's mother that she violated nondisclosure agreements. Here's the thing. When you win $1.3 billion in Maine, I think people start to catch on.

I think they got a little suspicious when he covered his house in mink for the winter. Isn't it more expensive to sue her than to, I don't know, pay a hundred people to try to take her out somehow? That's true. She gets pulled under

with a lobster pot? They knew something was up when he ordered an Uber to the Bahamas. That's what a guy in Maine would do. Also, it really does beg the question, why still in Maine? Yeah. How don't you own

half of Montana? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe part of the fun is rubbing it in people's... Maybe sticking around for a year just to rub it in some faces. To get the to get the best table at the chocolate mousse pie shop. He's opened the largest general store in the state, which says something.

Yeah. And, you know, look, how does she not talk about it? How does the ex-wife not talk about it? I mean, the biggest gossip going through town the week before was that, you know, Jillian got herpes again. And now one point three billion. I think that might that might come up. I love really general stores that that's what it should be called. And in Wilson, Wyoming, when we go out there and see Jack, there's one. And I remember running there. We were there at some point, and I needed birthday candles.

When you go in there, this place has boots. It has clothes. It has mac and cheese. I mean, it is a general school supplies and it's one room and it's not big and uh anyway i went in and sure enough behind the counter they had birthday candles and i'm like there's very few places where you can buy and i'm not joking or exagger. Both birthday candles and a canoe in the same room. I love it. And that place had it.

Yep. What about ammo? I don't think. You know, that's funny. I don't know if they had a lot of camping stuff. All the little stoves, the fuel for stoves, all that stuff. Speaking of not speaking, what about House Speaker Mike Johnson? This guy is unbelievable.

Has just proven again how much he loves transgender people. A video from 2016 resurfaced saying that he and his high school buddies would have taken advantage of transgender inclusive bathroom policies to peep on girls in the locker room. Quote, gender identity? No one knows what that means. Really? Really? Left-handed. No one knows what that means. Redheads?

So... Redheads? I'm totally confused. What about these very short people? I suppose they should be treated like humans. I'm totally confused. I don't get any of this. I think he knows what gender identity is when he's going to sneak in to look at boobs. No one's more aware of their gender identity when that's what they're willing to do.

I went to Captain Shreve High School. I graduated in 1990. My crew, my boys, you know, we're going to self-identify as girls and we're going to be in the other locker room. It opens it up to hijinks and all sorts of problems. What crew? This moron, he never had a crew. This is like tough talk talk i'm sure he identified actually as a kid who hung from the fence by his underwear yeah i mean i mean boys will do creative things to see underage girls without their permission you know my crew we did the usual video camera in the toilet seats pretending we were very young ob-gyns and doing exams on the girls, stalking, assault,

you know, just boy stuff. Just me and my crew. Being a crew. My crew. Doing crew things. More like his foursome. He grew up with his foursome. Want to skip this next one?

Okay. Yeah. All right. What's this next one? Okay. Yeah. All right. What's this one? Taco Bell. A former L.A. area Taco Bell employee is suing the company after she claims a Christmas party at the restaurant descended into a drunken mess that included open sex around midnight.

That's every night at Taco Bell. So she goes to the party. Around midnight, she saw a co-worker, quote, having sex with his wife in front of everyone at the party. Co-worker's wife was also kissing her female manager and another female co-worker at the same time. A lot of tacos going around here. Shocked, disgusted, and outraged,

she alleges that she first ran out of the restaurant but then went back inside to retrieve her guacamole bowl, only to find that her manager and the other co-worker involved in the sexual encounter were vomiting. One threw up in the trash while the other vomited in her guacamole bowl. She says she reported the incident to Taco Bell Human Resources resources the manager and other

co-workers involved in the encounter were fired wait a minute they vomited that'll teach them not to order food from outside the restaurant by the way have you ever seen a half-eaten guacamole bowl at the end of a party? That wasn't vomit. That was half-empty guacamole at the end of a party. Yeah. Isn't it more like, whoa, whoa, whoa, there's guacamole in my Mexican throw-up? Yeah. That's usually what it looks like.

Yeah. By the way, applications to Taco Bell have tripled this week. Everybody wants in. Yeah. By the way, applications to Taco Bell have tripled this week. Everybody wants in. Yeah. This is perfect. Christmas came a little early at Taco Bell this year. So did the manager. I mean, with three girls on him, I wouldn't last very long.

Everybody was eating tacos. Yeah. I mean, this sounds like the greatest christmas party ever yeah until the throwing up part i guess i don't know it's part of it go greek or go home all right so we got to talk a little bit about um uh your your food expenses this holiday season. People are going in debt. So get more bang with your butt. With your butt?

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Hall & Oates, I think you put this in there. I've been following this story. Big story. Big story. And some breaking news just came out today about it. But Hall & Oates, as you know, the great Daryl Halll hall and john oats who has always been a guilty pleasure to me we grew up listening to am radio in the 70s and 80s and they had so many i guess there were more 80s and 70s but uh i i would imagine oh totally i think 80s probably came out like 80 81 came out of philly how about that oh right

well that explains why they're not getting along right now. They had eight platinum records, and six of their songs went to number one. But apparently John Oates is suing Hall. No. I think it's the other way around. Hall is suing Oates. Fact. Oh, Hall is suing Oates. Okay. he's suing oats okay so he's uh you know the headlines first came out is he sewing his oats or is he suing oats he's actually both okay yeah he uh it came out and it was weird it was like hall files a restraining order against Oates. And what it is is Oates wanted to sell off part of his ownership of their songs.

And the restraining order is delaying that because Hall is appealing it, I guess. Well, Hall is out of touch. He's out of touch. And Oates is a man eater. Come on. Wait, back to their hits. And Oates is a man eater. Come on. Wait, back to their hits. My sister was like dragged to the Hollywood Bowl by a friend who said, this is one of the funnest concerts. You don't understand. She was like, what? Hall and Oates. And she called me like, if I, it was one of those we talk about a lot. She's like, I was singing along to no less than 16 of their songs.

No kidding. Really? They're incredible. Yeah. And they really did have great harmonizing hits. Yeah. Yeah. But I,

apparently he offered oats a buyout and he said, I can't go for that. No can do. No. Oh, can do. Oh, can do. So I was kind of on outside in this side in this, because whatever their arrangement was.

And then I read the article, and Oats, his company name that he used was Whole Oats Enterprises. So now I am Team Hall. I am Team Hall all the way. Yeah, I just think he's milking oats. So now I am team Hall. I am team Hall all the way. Yeah. I just think he's milking oats. Unless his is like Hall of Game Enterprises or some bullshit like that. Right. Right.

All right. What about this Netflix story? Yes. Netflix slammed by viewers for releasing the worst Christmas film ever despite an all-star cast. So, which means I think we have to watch it. We have to watch it.

The Best Christmas Ever, that's the name, ironically, The Best Christmas Ever, sees mother of two, Charlotte, played by Heather Graham, arrive uninvited at her ex-best friend, Jackie's, home in a bid to discover if the braggadocious,

docious or docious, docious annual festive newsletters are in fact true. Despite witnessing firsthand, Jackie's life is all real. Guess what? Charlotte is not convinced now. Now. So anyway,

people are going online and the article picked up some reviews, which is Netflix's best Christmas ever is the worst movie I've ever watched. You guys should be ashamed for airing this. And another one goes, avoid or even better, poke your eyes out. That's far more enjoyable than putting yourself through this waste of one and a half hours.

Whoa. Yeah. I mean, I love bad movies. Like, you know, Hallmark literally makes their bread and butter on playing Christmas movies, not during the fall, not during the winter,

year-round. That's all they play are Christmas movies. and i love them they're predictable and they're easy right um a friend of mine does a newsletter anybody you know send out a yearly newsletter there was someone in our family who did and of course it became the joke for the entire rest of the extended family. Yes, that's what it is. Yes. Just know if you send out one of those letters, there is a text chain dissecting it.

Oh, absolutely. This guy was kind of a failed comedy writer, and he would write these really corny jokes about the family, and everybody made fun of it. And then at the end, he would always like make kind of a shout out about if anybody knows anybody who's hiring. Oh, my God. That's perfect. Yeah. Well, what this did, though, this story there's I put in here is it reminded me and I think years ago we talked about this, but one of the greatest TV critics of all time like

Pulitzer Prize winning everything is this guy Tom Shales he wrote for I believe the Washington Post he was even Larry Sanders had him on playing himself a TV critic so every year he would review Kathy Lee Gifford's Christmas special that she would do each year. And each year it was funnier than the last where this insanely smart, incredibly great writer would eviscerate her specials. And I'm just going to read one that he did here, which was, I think about her, maybe the second year she did it. But I think what I'll do is every week I will read a Tom Shales excerpt from a Kathie Lee Gifford thing. And I'll read those all through December. All right. So everything I'm about to read you is gospel truth printed. And also he was a syndicated reviewer. It went all over the world. This is how he opened one.

It went all over the world. This is how he opened one. What's the difference between the 24-hour flu and a Kathy Lee Gifford Christmas special? 23 hours. You wouldn't want to catch either if you could help it. But when CBS refused to make this year's edition of the agonizing event available in advance to TV critics, of the agonizing event available in advance to TV critics, one such critic, instead of being grateful for the unintentional kindness, was tempted to tune in anyway

to see how or if things have improved. He should have known better. Big mistake. Wow, I love it. But CBS literally stopped letting it be reviewed. That's how bad they were. I mean, it's one of those things where it's like Bert Kreischer's movie. All right, maybe the reviews weren't great.

Did that stop people from watching it? No, because if you love the person and you dig what they do, you don't read reviews. I mean, look at the fucking, at the fucking Farrelly Brothers movies. There's so many movies that got panned, comedies, that it doesn't matter. She doesn't give a shit. I know. What do you mean? Neither did CBS.

They kept making them. I think it then became like a train wreck that everyone would tune in for. Do you remember her husband, Frank, who I think was like 25 years older than her yeah of course great new york giant great new york giant great great broadcaster and then i i don't know if he already was a womanizer but but globe that that you know tabloid they hired a hooker who lured him into a room they paid the hooker like a hundred thousand who lured him into a room. They paid the hooker like $100,000 to lure him into a hotel room that was wired with cameras and seduced him like fully. And then they released it on the details of it, a story about him.

And I'm not even kidding you. I think that happened during these specials. And she still had the special where she would parade out Frank and Cody or whatever kids' names were. Cody. Yeah. And then there was another one. And she had a daughter also, I think. Yep.

Yeah. Son and a daughter. And they looked like hostages, all of them. And they stayed together.ages, all of them. And they stayed together. God bless them. That's a mindset. God, are they together now? He's dead.

Did Frank Gifford die? I think so. You say with such confidence that I doubt it's true. Denman, is he dead or alive? Here we go, Frank Gifford. Denman, is he dead or alive? Here we go. Frank Gifford.

We should play a game called Can We Host a Podcast and Beat Denman to Getting the Information? Hey, how about this, man? I died in 2015. Frank Gifford, born in Santa Monica. No kidding. I would have never. In 1930. Wow. Yeah.

So he would have been 93. They stayed married till 2015 when he died. Huh. From 86. Wow. That's unbelievable. Oh, Cody, Cassidy, Aaron, and Victoria Denise. Yeah, they've got some grandkids now.

Cody is in the Hall of Fame. I just saw People Magazine on the newsstand and Cody is having her second baby. This week or soon. She's preggers. Got herself all knocked up. Gifford's family revealed that he had CTE. Oh, no kidding. Although they're saying he died of natural causes

a week before his 85th birthday. Yeah. All right, enough about the Giffords. Are we making America Florida? Let's make it. Let's do it. let's do it a man's unorthodox attempt at scaring magpies from his that's that's australia i'm one story ahead too far upset florida man 76 backs over staff member at car show after he was kicked out

Backs over staff member at car show after he was kicked out. Anthony Guerra Jr., who lives, this is why it's in here, who lives in the villages. The villages! Strike again. Was charged with aggravated battery and deadly weapon after the incident. While trying to enter the car show event, a staff member approached Guerra and told him to leave due to his aggressive behavior. Guerra reportedly threw a piece of paper out of his car window toward another staff member before looking at the man and reversing his car into him. Guerra said the staff member called him an a-hole, adding that he did not see the victim until the victim was on his luggage rack on the rear of the vehicle

by the way how old is this car that it has does it have the rump seat whatever that thing is the rumble luggage rack yeah yeah remember cars a luggage rack i love it but i love that these guys still get so angry because somebody was just telling me yesterday that when your testosterone goes down as you get older you have less rage and i found that i know that's not true i still have rage but it's not as uncontrollable as it used to be. But these old motherfuckers, some of them hang on to it. I don't know what it is. Well, apparently there's you do get enraged depending on what type of person you are. But I think it's more than the majority of people. I think when you start in aging in some ways, they say that dementia, you don't realize you're getting it.

But I don't know if I believe that because I think people get very angry at the loss of short term memory. Yeah. And and and when it feels threatening to their life, basically, which is like I can't remember a goddamn thing, but I know I'm not dying in a few months. But if it was really like this is the beginning of the end and that light's never going on again, I think there's panic sets in. Well, there's also being marginalized out of the workplace. There's, you know, your wife dying or most people are divorced at that point. And your hearing's going, your vision's going. And yeah, you're going to get angry. I mean, I think life is really, as you get older, is a process of accepting what's going on fully as you move later into life.

There's also understandable things you get enraged at, like not getting into a car show because this fucking kid from Cuba who came over on an inner tube won't let you in. Is this an inner tube show or a fucking car show there, Pedro? Pedro, you come over to the villages. We're going to fucking settle this by the 18th pool over there by the aerobics class. By the way, more and more people are on board for moving down to Laguna Beach, the retirement place. Was that the chatter at the party? That was some of the chatter at the party. The Malloys have already got a place down.

It's a 55-plus retirement place. Our friend turned 56 and bought a place instantly because his father had lived there. They've got two golf courses. They bought two, exactly. They bought two. There's two golf courses. There are five pools, each one with a community center,

workout room. They've got an archery range, pottery studio an art studio a woodworking studio ping pong pavilion i'm not making that up pickleball tennis the ping pong pavilion is huge by the way with machines you can go play with yourself so to speak i mean it sounds like we're doing an ad for this place but like basically you get a golf cart, you start taking edibles, you start cocktailing around three. And you just and the key is there's three couples that are fully in at this point. And if we had 10, 12 of us all living down there, don't you want to grow old just hanging out with your friends, playing games and laughing? Yeah, it was pretty amazing.

When we went down and he was walking us around, he's like, there's tons of groups. And the one group over there was like the Chicago group. And it literally looked like the SNL sketch. Da Bears. Yeah. And there they all were. But they have every type of group.

Yeah, on Sundays, everybody goes to the, you know, they have like a community center and they watch the game and they have movie nights and God and the wife swapping that would happen holy shit remember the TV station oh and they had a TV station we could do our podcast

video podcast live let's never quit yeah I bet the ads would be a little different but we'll see. Geritol for when it's just not happening. Depends. Want some new diapers?

Depends. You want to trick out your golf cart? This week at AutoZone. All right, let's make Australia, Florida. A man's unorthodox attempt at scaring magpies, as I told you earlier, from his backyard with a homemade scarecrow has backfired spectacularly. Despite resembling a creepy leftover Halloween decoration, he believes birds were literally flocking to his garden to worship what

they appear to think is some kind of magpie god. Guilo Cusillas' problems began when magpies began stealing kibble from his cat's feeding bowl. So he fashioned together a homemade owl to keep them away. But rather than frighten the birds, they instead started bowing down and speaking to it. Concerned about what he had done, Gilo filmed the strange incident through the window of his suburban home in Western Sydney. So there's the picture of the birds worshiping this crazy looking homemade owl. I mean, maybe in the magpie world, like the owl is like Jesus Christ. They have like books written about him. There's testaments about the owl.

I want owls to take note. I mean, these would be the easiest pickings ever. Just freeze, make yourself a little unkempt, a little disheveled, a little crazy looking owl, and you'll just feast on these magpies what do you want for dessert i'll have some i'll have a slice of magpie but i love the homemade thing and now it's a thing meanwhile yeah you should build a bunch of them and charge charge admission have a magpie zoo all right listen we gotta move because you your girlfriend has already texted me oh that i need to keep it moving today because you guys have to go somewhere i mean i don't need this pressure did we start um well we've been going

for an hour and 15 minutes okay yeah let's get, solid. I don't need to do the Pope. All right, let's save the Pope for next week. Let's save the tig old biddies for next week. And let's get down to this day in history. Look at that. Here we go. In Egypt's Valley of the Kings, British archaeologists Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon

became the first souls to enter King Tutankhamen's tomb in more than 3,000 years. Do you remember that? What year was this? Steve Martin remembers it. It was the biggest news. It was the biggest news. It was early 80s.

It was all anybody talked about. Why do I not have the year down for this? That's you. That's Greg being Greg. Sealed burial chambers were miraculously intact, and inside was a collection of several thousand priceless objects, including a gold coffin containing the mummy of the teenage king. When Carter first arrived in Egypt in 1891,

most of the ancient Egyptian tombs had been discovered, and the majority of these had been hopelessly plundered by tomb raiders over the millennia. Being a tomb raider, I mean, that's a good gig. You know there's rich families all in that region who have the craziest shit. Yeah. I mean, you don't have to fight an army.

You don't have to raid a castle. Just bring a shovel and find a fucking tomb. Tintut reigned, by the way, from 1330 to 1323 BC. Wow. Yeah. Well, they discovered a step leading to its entrance in 1922. But this was before 1922. Maybe they found it.

Oh, in 1923 they entered it. No, what happened was it made its world tour. Oh, right. That's what it was. Yeah, I remember Steve Martin's routine on SNL. Now, when I die, don't want to be a. Maybe you don't remember it. King Tut.

Did you get the King Tut part? Was it, I don't want to be no joke when I die. Now, don't they? I don't remember it either. Born in Macedonia, moved to Catalonia, King Tut. I don't even think that's right. And look at these guys. Look at the picture of them.

It's like absolutely what Raiders of the Lost Ark and stuff is based on. when i die don't want to be no nut now don't think i'm a nut yeah don't want no fancy funeral just want to go king tut oh yeah here it is dancing by the nile king tut the ladies Tut. The ladies love his style. Rocking for a mile, he ate a crocodile. Yep. Completely stupid on purpose. He's my favorite honky. Yeah. Now, if I'd known they'd line up just to see him, I'd take all my money

and bought me a museum, King Tut. Alright. So, Mike, how's sales of the koozies going? Terrible, Greg. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's going amazing. So personal.

We signed them. By the way, we have to order more. We have to sign more. I have to buy different envelopes that make this shipping easier for me. One sweet person wrote in. It was funny because hers arrived. They'll arrive. Hers arrived, but the envelope was chewed up.

But that's because it's very personal. It's a personal endeavor over here. Well, listen, the holidays are coming, and you want to get these in the hands of someone you love. Get it in the hands of yourself. I do that sometimes. I get these in the hands of someone you love. Get it in the hands of yourself. I do that sometimes. I put it in the hands of myself. And, you know, they're beautiful.

It's a great caption. And you're supporting the show. So get yourself a koozie now. How do they do it, Mike? They will Venmo me. And it's at Gibbons time. G-I-B-B-O-N-S-T-I-M-E. That's one word. You'll see my right eye with glasses on, brown glasses. And behind me in the distance,

it's hard to make them out, but it's Bill Murray in a tuxedo. And what's the joke there? My little joke, I made the photo for twitter and it was uh bill murray follows me there you go a little word play yeah and listen it's ten dollars all in you don't pay any shipping or postage just nothing bucks through venmo done it's at your door within a week now when you venmo me please write your name even though i know venmo has, please write your name, even though I know Venmo has your name, write your name and mailing address as accurately as it appears on an envelope, because that makes my copying and pasting so much easier. Unbelievable how you're spending your time. The writer's strike is over. You should be pouring over spec scripts stuff you're gonna pitch and instead you're ass deep in fucking koozies because technically the envelopes are thicker than

they should be i go i have googled where the mailboxes are in my neighborhood and i sprinkle them around like i'm trying to get rid of the like parts of a dead body i go to different mailboxes and put them in because i don't want them to like be overwhelmed when they get like 50 because they're you know they're the foam things in them so they've and be like fuck this guy we're not putting them in our machine um i thought your daughters were going to help you with this no the one daughter olivia who was supposed to not even a chance and then i did get sophie to help you with this. No, the one daughter, Olivia, who was supposed to, not even a chance. And then I did get Sophie to help a little. Okay, so here's what happened.

Sophie, keep in mind, is at Michigan. We talked about it at the top of the show. She's in Michigan. One could say one of the finer learning institutions on planet Earth. And she had asked me where to put the stamp. Oh, I love it. Because she doesn't remember ever mailing something. She's mailed postcards.

Yeah. And she's had letters and thank you letters. But then I guess we mail them for her or something. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah. All right. So this guy wrote us a letter. Where's his name?

I don't see his name. So anyway, somebody did. Yo, dude, when Mike was doing the story about his experience with the Argentinian mail store guy who had his baby kidnapped and is on the spectrum and very into mail, I was intrigued. Then Mike gave out the address to mail the check to take it eesh. I figured, what the fuck? Let me Google this shit and see if a mail store comes up.

I did. This was a Sunday, so as soon as I Googled it, I saw that it was closed. I'm on a roll, though, so I call. I heard the answering machine message, the accent, the inability for this Argentinian to simply say, leave a message, and I knew I found the right place.

Decided to call back on Monday. No need. Pablo called me right back two minutes later. He said, hi, you guys open today? To which Pablo replied, kind of. What do you need? I really wanted to tell him I just arrived from Argentina. Whatever.

He goes on and on. All right, so don't harass Pablo. Please don't bother the guy's the greatest guy yeah and this is his passion yeah please don't bother him and i think we'll see it's my fault if a bunch of these envelopes they're gonna get to you no matter what but poor pablo might be dealing with some returns but that's part of doing business. Yeah. That's really funny. All right. Let's get to the obituary, Mike.

Here we go. And that's all, folks. This one, what a long life, though. Is it Rosalyn or Rosalyn Carter? I think it's Rosalyn. Okay, let's go with that. She was a mental health advocate who worked to improve mental health care and destigmatize mental illness. She also sat in on cabinet meetings when her husband was president

and was like a very strong advisor to him. She supported Habitat for Human for humanity was a board member and uh she was born in 1927 in plains georgia the daughter of a farmer and a dressmaker grew up in poverty dreamed of being an architect father died of leukemia in her 13th year helped her mom with the small business and with raising three younger siblings, excelled in school, graduated top of her class. She grew up in the same town as Jimmy Carter. Yep.

Started dating in 1945. So wait, she was how old? 11. So she was 11 when they started dating. I'm kidding. Yeah, 27, 37. She was 11 when they started dating. I'm kidding. Yeah, 27, 37. She was 18 when they started dating. He went to Annapolis, and they got married.

Anyway, she left her mark as somebody that destigmatized mental illness. She's in the National Women's Hall of Fame in New York. She got the Presidential Medal of Freedom from Bill Clinton in 99. She got the American Peace Award in 2009, held honorary degrees from several universities. She was amazing. I mean, a lot of first women are amazing,

but she really stands out. And what's Jimmy's status? I mean, he went on... Hospice, wasn't he? Hospice ages ago. Yeah. Yeah, the worst is when you go on hospice and then you don't go

because then everybody really... Then when you finally die, they're like, whatever. I'd love to read, a really objective biography, having no political angle whatsoever. And, you know, he's known as one of the more ineffective presidents. That's kind of his reputation. But as we know, the powers that be, that's the beginning of this aggressive Republican thing, or the modern aggressive Republican thing. Like, and I don't know how true it is, but you know, the hostage crisis

happened at the end of his term. And, uh, George Bush who would go on senior, who would go on to be, uh, that was the beginning of his term. He got handed the crisis who carter yeah when did 1976 he took office and the hostage crisis was didn't the hostage crisis was in four years though i don't think no well anyway regardless the end of the hostage crisis car Carter was engineering a deal to get them out. And I wonder if this has been proven, but the big talk was that Bush and Reagan engineered, and I bet it hasn't been proven, that to release the hostages after the election so they could get the win in their column. Oh, is that what it was?

I'm going to look this up after this podcast, because I might just be pulling some Fitz facts right now. Oh, wait. So it was 1980. OK, so you're right. It was at the end. Yeah. So, yeah. I wonder if there's proof to that. Can you imagine negotiating to hold hostages longer?

Right now, that's exactly what happened. You're right. I remember that. But I do want to see what was so ineffective about it, because, you know, there are things where history doesn't treat people kindly. Like whatever you want to say about David Dinkins, that poor bastard, the mayor of New York City, was mayor during the kingdom of crack. Yes. And crack made New York City insane. We need to do the time. So whoever was going to be in office then, maybe they could have handled it better.

But trust me, it was not going to be a rosy four or six years. I think we should have a segment in Sunday Papers where we correct a piece of misinformation in politics. Like, for instance, I just read that, you know, did Richard Nixon grow up poor, Mike? I was going to say no. Oh, everybody thinks he grew up dirt poor. That was the whole myth behind that. Nixon did not grow up poor at all. He's this erudite snob.

Well, so was fucking, you know, Kissinger, and he grew up in a concentration camp. Oh, all right. All right. Let's cheer up. Let's cheer up after this whole Rosalind, Rosalind Carter story. Jesus, what a heartbreaker. Let's get to some rapists. knew who knew it was coming all right all right so here it is thanksgiving

dinner loretta has you know anybody who's cooked a turkey knows it's a fucking labor it starts in the morning you gotta baste it you gotta stuff there's so much stuff to do and now the lockhorns have a couple over for dinner and they didn't sign up for this they just want to enjoy a bird be thankful for a couple things loretta walks in she got a big smile on her face very proud of herself and uh leroy's got a a knife he's waiting to carve it and he looks at the guy and he goes knowing loretoretta, she probably stuffed the turkey with leftovers. Nice. Real nice.

What an undercut. Jesus. Why not just trip her so she lands on this steaming hot turkey and fucking scalds her face, Leroy? I can't believe this next one. Alright, so now they're standing at the doctor's office and loretta

says to the nurse who's checking them out with their bill uh she goes and please send the bill for my husband's blood pressure medication to the jets unbelievable you know whateroy is a perfect Jets fan. How did I not guess this? He never learns. He's miserable. He's only happy when he's drinking at parties. Uh-huh. Beats his wife. Yeah, he's kind of a bully in a way because he's being bullied constantly.

Yeah. Here's Broke from betting. Yep. Here's Hager. He's walking in the door with lucky he's got a big fucking bag of loot he goes we're back from france and helga goes how was paris and lucky's head his his helmet pops off his head and then she goes, let Lucky Eddie answer. Like, obviously, they fucked everybody in Paris. I'm reading the next one. I'm already ahead of you. All right, so the next one.

Lucky is getting featured a lot these days. Lucky's on the wharf. He's about to get on the boat. His girlfriend, who's smoking hot, very busty. She's got on kind of a Wilma Flintstone cut-off dress. She's touching. What do you call those kind of shoes? I don't know, but they lace up the whole calf.

Yeah. And he goes, I'll be gone for months. And she goes, I'll wait for you. And then she goes, even if I have to date someone different every night to keep from getting serious about any other person. Now, is that consensual? It sounds like it's consensual. Yeah. Yeah.

It sounds like she has a say in it. It sounds like there's no way she doesn't have vd by the time he gets home because there's no condoms back then yeah lucky's about to get pretty unlucky okay uh far sides in my series of the where he breaks the fourth wall i thought you'd really like the one on the left it's this giant uh it's this snake with a giant bulge in the middle, having eaten something very big. And what is the snake around? It's around a cat bowl that has the name Garfield on it. I love it.

And I did read about this. You see how it only says you can see the G-a-r-f-i and the beginning of the e yeah that way they could put it in there and there wouldn't be any sort of legal issues oh smart yeah the whole name can't be said but boy that power of suggestion it could have been it could have been garfunkel maybe yeah and then another one is an old timey Western saloon. You see all the guys in there with their hats and their holsters and everything. And a guy playing the banjo and piano in the foreground. And all of a sudden there's a guy at the door about to come through those swinging doors. And the piano guy goes, bad guy coming in arnie minor key that's great i love that

yeah um you know what else i love uh you guys for listening thanks for tuning in every week by the way do a solid go to greg may i draw your attention to above the far side comic jesus how dare i how did please don't tell her nobody tell blondie that i forgot about her this week there's two blondies it looks like is that her daughter all right well and this one only has two women no guys no guys and i am a little bit creeped out with myself with my new obsession with blondie's daughter who they i don't i've never caught her name um i have to look it up but i've never caught her name but look just because porsche has a new targa fx turbo doesn't mean I don't still love my 914 more. I love the vintage, but I have to say Blondie's daughter is everything Blondie is, uh, but younger. And so Blondie's at the stove

stirring sauce as she always does. She goes, are you still texting your boyfriend about the misunderstanding you had yesterday? Daughter says I am. And then Blondie goes, why don't you just call him over and talk to him? And she goes, texting is better. This way I'll have a written record of our comments for future reference. Smart. She's a woman who has Blondie's beauty and rack, and yet has an ability to draw boundaries with a man. Yeah. Meanwhile, no woman wants a reference of what was really said because they don't remember what was said in an argument. They don't want to know. They don't want the man to have a record of what was said. No. Half the time we are saying that's not what I said. And we never learn and we never learn. This is bringing up memories of ex-girlfriends that i

used to have those fights with i never have that fight with aaron you know we have our little we bicker once in a while but it never gets into that that's not what i said i can narrow down to like maybe one or two years where Aaron gave up on you. It was in the early 2000s and life just got easier for both of you. It's once you give up, life is a piece of cake. I told you, and it's so stupid. I'm pointing the finger at myself in this story, believe it or not. But those arguments used to happen and we didn't learn. We didn't really learn how to argue and we weren't mature yet either.

And we didn't learn, we didn't really learn how to argue and we weren't mature yet either. But back in the early days of my failed marriage, um, I was saying so often, that's not what I said. And, um, and she's like, it's like you wish. And I think it was a Chappelle sketch of having a stenographer around when you'd argue. Right. So anyway, uh, she's like, you'd like that, wouldn't you? And I'm like, uh, yeah, I really like that wouldn't you and i'm like uh yeah i really would because you should you bring so blah blah blah everything you would typically say so she talked it over with her therapist and therapist goes you know i actually think let's use this against mike i actually think this would be a good idea because then what he would hear is his tone right thinking that was the problem that her client Liz was having was like with my tone.

And that's why. So anyway, she once goes, well, we have this issue to talk about. Do you want to record it? I'm like, oh my God, is this like, did my birthday come early? Yes. Let's please record this. So of course I have a better tone because I know I'm being recorded and we have an argument and she's like, but you said, I'm like, that's not what I said. And all of a sudden we

look at each other. I'm like, let's go to the tape. We go to the tape. We go back. It's so clearly showed. That's not what I said at all. And she got embarrassed and walked out of the room. Nice. And somehow I was happy and considered that a win the rest of the night well that's the key it's not about meeting halfway or understanding each other it's about fucking winning yeah she's furious we can't even be in the same room and i had never felt more gratified i love it all right listen uh i'm gratified you guys listened to the show thank you for your support means a lot to us. Also would mean a lot if you go to Apple Podcasts

and leave a favorable review and some stars. You can always reach out to us, fitzdogradio at gmail.com. I reply to every single piece of mail that comes through. If you have logos or songs, that's how you send them in. We always need more. Thank you for those and thank you to our sponsors this week we had many uh if you go to game time you get last minute

deals use code papers at game time also you're going to go to prizepix.com papers and you'll get a deposit match of up to a hundred dollars and then, of course, we have EveryPlate. So go to enter code 49PAPERS at EveryPlate.com, and you're going to get yourself $1.49 per meal plus $1 steaks. Meal kits, the best. And finally, MintMobile.com slash PAPERS and get three more months when you buy three months. Thank you to Midcoast Media, Chris Denman, who we're going to have lunch with on Wednesday here in L.A.

You got it, pals. Can't wait to see him. And don't forget to Venmo 10 bucks to Gibbons Time or however much money you want for multiple koozies at Gibbons Time. And we'll get those koozies out to you. We really should have said suggested donation $10 and then people could have given more. That's what a lot of people do. You know they could also give less. That'll wrap it up.

We'll see you guys next time. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Three, four, five, six. Three, four, five, six. We'll be right back. Round 2, Round 2 3, 4 Round 2, Round 2 3, 4 Round 2, Round 2 Thank you.