Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 193 12/3/23

Episode Date: December 3, 2023

What happened to Gorge Santos? Why is a Private Jet Headed To a Global Warming Conference "Literally Frozen On Runway”? Why is a pantsless woman squatting in the aisle of a Frontier Air flight? It will all make sense on this week’s Sunday Papers.

So much news in the world today Seems like right is wrong and wrong is right Thank God for the journalistic integrity Of Greg Fitzsimmons and his buddy Mike With blinders on your week has passed But now Sunday has come at last It's the Sunday papers podcast Read all about it! Read all about it. You're going to hear a difference. We got new mics. Read all about it.

Sunday Papers. We got new mics. Did you just say that? I couldn't hear you. I did. All right. Our crack producer, Chris Denman, visited Los Angeles last week, and he gave us a little gift.

He gave us a new- Okay, now, what brand? Take a guess at the brand. They're amazing. That Chris Denman, with all you know about him, what would the name of this mic company be? What would we think? I would say the Jew phone. Um, did you phone?

You would think being so self-conscious with what we've tagged him as is a, you know, a, uh, sort of a MAGA guy and all that. And Ray, we always give him digs about being racist and, uh, tiki torch. Like you would think he'd like go with like a Namaguchi mic. I don't even know if that's a real one. I'm making it up, but something. No, these are called, go ahead. Tell him Greg. It's called Heil. heil heil denman i mean heil denman is right before we bury the before we make fun of this name this is a the these are considered the best mics in the business i'm

looking at my levels and i've never seen them this steady in a way. Yeah, the levels are super steady. It's a hotter mic. It's a fatter mic. Look at this work that I did here having to tape it. It does not fit in the standard holder. Well, we're going to have to have Denman send you a holder. But, you know, look, we get a lot of complaints from people about our levels. People

say that the volume is too low. So we're asking you for some feedback. How is it normally? Does it sound better? Email us Fitz dog radio at gmail.com. How is the quality of the sound? We're trying to up our game in 2024. That's right's right you know the funny thing about Heil as a microphone is uh historically uh uh Hitler had terrible mic technique all he did was scream he did did he even need a mic even in the stadium I don't think he needed a mic no it was all that's why he was always putting his arm up. He was saying, quiet down so you can hear me. Shush. Shush.

Shush. Yeah. Hush. He and he very giant gestures. He made it very. He knew how to communicate. What is high? Is high all the same as high?

Like, hi, Hitler. Hail. Oh, it's hail. Listen, their playbook wasn't exactly original. It's from Hail. Well, and probably Hail Caesar wasn't original. Yeah. Hail.

So send your corrections. Who was the first leader who was hailed? Right. Well, I got to think people hailed right well i gotta think people hail jesus hell jesus hail jesus i don't know well i don't know i mean not in his lifetime but you mean the image of him the memory of him yeah well no at the time he was a zealot he had he had a lot of true followers they were very excited about him. I think they would have hailed him. Although Jesus himself hailed John the Baptist.

That's right. He was a rock star. Yeah. He made him a Christian. All right, right, right. Well, anyway, before we get into it, I mean, there are so many corrections this week. Yeah, we're just loading it up. Well, first of all,

I didn't really get to the emails for a couple weeks, so I weeded through a lot of emails in the last couple days, and so there is an inordinate amount of corrections. Oh, Stevie Wonder used these microphones, apparently.

Wow. Wow, I did not know that. Did he? Did he? Insert your blind jokes here You know, we did carpool karaoke with him And this was true, but it's also a good joke I asked if I could take a selfie with him

And then I didn't really like how it turned out And I didn't bother asking about the second one I just took it He didn't bother asking about the second one. I just took it. He didn't know. So apparently Heil, Bob Heil, who designed these mics, developed the talk box for Joe Walsh and Peter Frampton. Oh, man. The quadraphonic mixer for the Who.

So this guy's a legend in the music industry. Amazing. And we continue the legacy with our In a Closet production podcast. With the TalkBox Papers. That's what we should change the name to. I should mention I'm in San Francisco this weekend playing at my second favorite club in the country, the Punchline. It is just the fucking greatest.

And are you doing the podcast right now from a doctor's waiting room? That's exactly what it looks like. Yes. I was supposed to wear scrubs and you can have some hard candy at the end of the podcast. All right. Before we go too far, at the end of the podcast.

All right, before we go too far, the koozies are arriving at their destinations from the feedback we're getting. I had no less than four people, no less than four people come out of my show saying they got the koozies, they're so excited, they love them. They want me selling them at the shows, which we hadn't considered.

I could sell them at the shows and then give you what percentage of the money would you want if I sold them at the shows? Wait, is that a joke? What are you talking about? Well, I think I should get more because I'm carrying them to the shows. I'm standing out front with them. Should I go through what I'm going through To get these things sent out The days that I have lost And by the way

The real work hasn't started Where I have to keep track Of everybody who hasn't gotten them And I have to send them again Because the U.S. Post Office Shoot it up You're insane What about

Well we'll get to it later somebody wrote a letter that was very funny about this exact thing all right there's some people i will say one thing some people are getting more than they paid for well this guy says first of all thank you for the content you guys are great i always try to support you and purchase the koozies uh i purchased five and I received them I keep getting more and more I received three extra yesterday So here's one of the biggest selling points of the koozies You will get more than you pay for Yes

That's exactly right Let's see here Alright, there's a couple of so i think i have this right kristin from uh you see i don't know where kristin's from she has an irish last name that begins with s no address she just paid us ten dollars uh let me see if i grabbed a couple more of these. Here we go. Oh, this guy, Ron, was great. He overpaid a bit to cover all the processing. Oh, so nice. Let me see who else. Sorry about this. I should have it more organized. Yeah, if we were smart, we would have said suggested donation $10. And, you know, you could send more if you love the show and you want to support it

uh throw some extra on there okay wait hold on there's another one here barbara joe uh i did no address just gave us 10 bucks so this is the crazy thing is and then i had my daughter uh the the smart one helped me with uh sending them and she had to ask where the stamp goes yeah right and all these people now are sending in their addresses are disasters uh like commas after the state dashes. Like, you know, what we've asked you to do is go to Gibbons time at Gibbons time on Venmo, G I B B O N S T I M E. You'll see a picture of my right eye with my glasses and Bill Murray in a tuxedo and a fuzzy Bill Murray in the distance behind me. And that's how you know it's me. And try to write, including your name, even though I know your name is in your Venmo account, put your name, street address, city, state, zip code.

And stack it. Stack it like it would be on an envelope. Yeah. And I'm correcting him and it's fine. That's not really my complaint. But it's amazing how many get it wrong. And it reminded me of just my daughter with the stamps, letters in general. So I'm going to read you this quote I found, which is absolutely true.

It's in a book. It's in an old book. And this is it. And this is a father writing to his son. People no longer write letters, lacking the leisure and for the most part, the ability. They dedicate, sorry, they dictate dispatches and scribble messages. I mean, and it just brings me to every generation thinks the next generation is not as good. And I am fully on board that i think every generation has been right about that there was um there was this really funny bit that greg giralda used to do about civil war letters

and it would be like um my darling maybelline how my heart cries out for our lack of and and and then he's like and now you get letters coming from iraq genie are you fucking anybody uh vanessa wrote uh she knows how to write a letter i can't believe you shamed me on an international podcast because venmo shorted you 29 cents. What the heck, fella? I was just trying to be supportive. I don't even want the stinking koozie.

Anyway, here's your money. Go buy yourself something pretty. By the way, I love the podcast. And she sent $1. That's so funny that's someone who didn't even want it i hammer them about being 29 cents short this this guy tim tim goes paying you for 10 times the 29 cent Venmo credit card charges in random orders. I don't really want a koozie. Happy holidays. And he sent me $2.90.

So I guess I'll shut up about it. I kind of love this. I am not really valuing my time and how much time I'm spending on this, but I really am seeing everyone's names, where they live. Sometimes I have to look up their house because they forget part of their address. I know how much their homes are worth, but I am a, it does feel very organic and cool to tell you the truth. That's awesome. No, it's great. And you know,

the fact that we're selling koozies to keep your drink cold in December shows the marketing genius behind Sunday papers. Greg, like the McDLT, it also keeps the hot side hot. Don't forget that. That's right. All right. So then we got. What else do we got?

Koozies. Oh, I read about. OK. All right. Just a quick story, because we try to load the top of here, funny things that happened to us during the week. So I don't know if this will come across as me being mean or not. But so I'm doing a project.

I'm going to try to try to keep this generic as possible because it's real doing this project. And we're trying to schedule this zoom and this producer who's very successful or whatever. He it was scheduled finally and all that. And then all of a sudden to many people, a guy goes, uh, listen, I have to move it. Now this is a zoom schedule for next week. How long is the zoom going to be? Probably 10 minutes. And we're just trying to get on the same page. And he goes, uh, yeah, I'm unable to, I found the worst news ever

this morning. My dog has cancer, right? Of course. Very bad. But then, I mean, all the emails. First of all, everybody felt obligated to write us. And he's like, I think we have to move it even further because, you know, of his dog. And eventually I asked my friend who I'm doing the project with, who's very funny. I go, should I write this to him and just be like, I'm making up his name, Steve, Steve, listen, I'm so sorry. You know, for the, the diagnosis on your dog. And I can relate because my mom has cancer. You fucking pussy.

I think I know what you're going through because my mom has cancer like your dog. It gets back to that generational thing what what is listen it's sad but is it sad enough to like raise the flag and have a pity parade did we talk about your sister's dog from korea on this show i'll give it to this producer if he wants. God forbid something happens to his dog worse than cancer. It's called, I did not know this existed, Dogs Without Borders. So this dog, which is one of the ugliest things I've ever seen, is, and I think its name is Sweetie. It better not be Cutie.

And it was on the kill list in korea and it was flown in a plane to the united states where my sister's family wound up in an adoption thing and their daughter who works professionally also with dogs they're fostering it i, they're fostering it, I guess. They're fostering it now. They immediately had to get it expensively medicated because of all its insane seizures. They said it was two years old. They think it's nine. And it has to 100% of the time wear a diaper. Hey, I got a newsflash for your sister.

That dog is not a foster dog. That is their dog. I mean, I would say Korea is laughing its ass off. Of course, there's easy, why didn't they miss the meal? Why didn't they eat it? But it's like they must be like, sure. And they didn't pay for the flight yeah this dogs without borders flew in this time bomb this little four-legged time bomb who by the way doesn't like

the family when they're all going up to bed it runs it goes in the other direction and sit and jumps on a chair near the front door and basically stares them down like get out of here go i'm good this is my floor at night. I love that he came over on a plane. Like, first of all, if it was Frontier Airlines, he was not the only one taking a shit in the aisle of the plane. We haven't got there yet. My office is officially gone.

As of yesterday, I have been at Fitz Dog Studios by the airport in Santa Monica for 13 years, and they are knocking the building down. Why? Why are they kicking out 100 people that are all little indie filmmakers, writers, directors, dressmakers, architects, so they can build pickleball courts. Did I tell you that? I played pickleball for the first time last week. Yeah, it's lame.

It's so dumb, the scoring. It's so lame. Oh, the scoring is ridiculous. The scoring is the stupidest thing ever. No, we play paddle tennis, which is the same size court, but it's with a tennis ball that moves fast and has some weight to it. Pickleball is so lame. Anyway, we want to give a shout out for the logo this week came from Jared Hole.

It's a movie poster with Blondie. It's very cool. And he wrote, huge fan of both of you. Always look forward to the podcast coming out. Highlight of my week. Help me relax and take my mind off some hard times. Give me some laughs. I think it's easy for people to write off art and comedy

as unimportant in the grand scheme of things, when in reality, many of us, there couldn't be anything more meaningful or worthwhile, especially these days. If laughter truly is the best medicine, then both of you are surgeons in the top of your field. Isn't that nice? Jared, wow.

And that's a very well done poster. It is. There's a lot of small writing I couldn't even read. Kill Blondie or you? What do we think is going on there? No, you get to spoon her. I'm like the third guy in the photo standing over to the left. I might be doing you under her, but she's just between us.

Oh, I see. It's always. That's how I like to think of hints of homoeroticism on these posters. Well, Jared, that's very sweet. It reminds me of I think it was Jack Candy, which is dad always said laughter was the best medicine, which is why four of us died of tuberculosis. It was something like that. But that's very, very sweet. And listen, show your support.

We ordered more koozies. If you'd like, we're going to sign them. I think you have a very funny letter about us signing them coming up. But yes, go to Gibbons Time at Gibbons Time on Venmo. Ten bucks or nine dollars and seventy one cents or whatever it is. And and we will send you we're going to get the I think they're coming in this week. The second batch we have we we sold out. All right. Or or send us 20. If you feel like sending us 20,

Christmas is coming. The song this week is from Emmett Hall. I thought it was a really cool little tune. It kind of reminded me of the band. It was very American sounding, very fun. Oh boy. The American band thing again.

Okay. Here we go. Uh, corrections, big correction here. You and Mike said the only big groups to come out of Philly were Boys to Men, Hall & Oates, and DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. Here's a list of other ones.

Okay, go ahead. All right, the Roots are amazing. Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. Here's the thing about Joan Jett. Okay. Her biggest song was a cover. Name one Roots song or album The Roots Go Deep

Seriously? No I'm not denying The Roots are a tight, great band But I think this guy said Big groups Yeah Would you honestly put The Roots as a big group

When we're talking about world-class groups? Right. Then you got Patti LaBelle. All right. She's great. Erykah Badu is legitimately a very big, very big artist. These are individual. Okay.

And America is mostly individual artists. I get it. Jim Croce. Amazing. Chubby Checker. Foundational. Who came first? And America is mostly individual artists. I get it. Jim Croce, amazing. Chubby Checker, foundational. Who came first, Fats Domino or Chubby Checker? I'm going to say Fats. I think Fats Domino. Yeah.

New Orleans. Here come the corrections. So he was a takeoff of Chubby Checker. He wasn't a takeoff. Teddy Pendergrass. Sorry, I can't argue with that. Tony Basil. Was that, oh, Ricky, you're so fine. You Pendergrass. I can't argue with that. Tony Basil. Was that. Oh, Ricky, you're so fine. You're so fine.

You know, you know, a big group. Tony Basil. Big group. Yeah. Also, he's telling me that I can't pronounce his last name, which is spelled G.E. G.E.N.T.I.L.E. And apparently it's Jen. P-N-T-I-L-E. And apparently it's Gentilly. Gentilly Lace. Chris Auer says, you called women's private parts jewels, but men's testicles are the jewels and women's genitals are the pearl.

Not if they have two vaginas, Chris. Sorry. The pearl is the clitoris. It's not the whole vagina. It's the clam, isn't it? Is a pearl not a jewel of sorts? I think there's a pearl at the top of a clam. No, it's the top of an oyster, right? Yeah. Is it a clam or an oyster? Oyster for sure. Okay. I don't know why other mollusks can't. It's sand. I don't know why other mollusks can't it's sand i don't know why other mollusks can't create pearls but they don't say mollusks three times fast huh say mollusks mollusks three times fast

mollusk station mollusk station what am i saying right now we just got thrown off the algorithm on YouTube. I don't think the algorithm can even recognize what I said. Jason Temple said, had to laugh when I heard Greg refer to the band as being the most American band. When famously all, except for one of the band members is Canadian. Lee Van Helm was from Arkansas. They are, but I don't know. They're still so American though, aren't they? I mean, all their influences were from like Dixieland and New Orleans and country. You have a very good defense, which I normally don't like saying.

They are considered the pioneers of a genre called Americana. Right. So that's all it is. I also think the Bee Gees are a very American band, and I think ABBA, that disco thing erupted here. ABBA was not played more anywhere else, but, I mean, they were played all over the world, and they're huge.

Do not get me wrong about that. Who played them the most? America, for sure. How about ACDC? Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, yeah, exactly. Rock and roll also here.

Why isn't America retired? Yeah, we did it. Dude, the list. Forget the computer. We did it. You know, mass producing the automobile, the assembly line, the atomic bomb, jazz. jazz I think almost every form of

popular music today hip hop jazz folk and I know it comes from Ireland and Africa and all that but like in terms of the commercialism of it we should be retired yeah we should be living off residuals I think we are kind of retired

I don't know if you've talked to your kids lately about how many books they've read or how hard they're actually trying in school. We are retired. Well, the 1% is retired forever and so are all of their offsprings. So yeah, I guess so. This one comes from Charles McLennan. You mentioned the Porsche 914. The way you mentioned it, I believe you meant to say Porsche 911. The Porsche 914 really isn't a Porsche. The body is made by Carmen Ghia and the engine is made by Volkswagen. Yeah, but didn't it list Porsche on the back? I know exactly the car I was talking about. It's

got like a concave back window. It almost looks like a modern, like Toyota. It was kind of loud. It was a shitty car, but my friend used to collect them. Maybe it was a 917. No, I think it was the 914. Meanwhile, the Heil Mike is rolling its eyes as you talk about all this German minutia. And then finally, we got this guy, Charles Reese, said that, I believe you guys meant in the U.S. when listing the most viewed events in history on TV.

This is the international list of most views on TV. The funeral of Elizabeth II, which was just last year, was the number one at 4 billion viewers. I bet it was high up there in america also after that was the 96 summer olympics opening ceremony three and a half billion now that one was in atlanta right and it was i was there i thought it i thought it bombed all right i was there i was I was at Pete Scott's house, and I remember watching the opening ceremonies in his living room, and it was the one where Muhammad Ali was the torchbearer. He was the guy that lit the torch.

Yeah. The cauldron. Princess Diana. With his visible Parkinson's, which I think most people became aware of it. Non-sports fans became aware of it then. I remember watching it in Pete's living room, and I think Dudley was there with this girl, and it was the most profound moment watching Ali with his hands shaking.

It was like you could hear a pin drop. It was so intense, and she goes, That's weird. It was so intense. And she goes, that's weird. He's all shaky. And I just was like, shut the fuck up. This is why women shouldn't watch sports with men. She was, to her defense, joking about Dudley who was whacking off during it. Right.

Princess Di's funeral. Michael Jackson's funeral. Ali versus Spinks got $2 billion, Live Aid, FIFA World Cup 2022. Do you remember how big that was? Why was it that year that it was so big? I mean, was America? America did well, but it didn't go that far.

Wait, that's last year year 2022 was the last world cup yeah because it's growing it'll be bigger it'll be bigger the next one you ready for this one in the u.s in sports number four is women's world cup got two billion viewers imagine two billion people watching one incredibly slow goal that everyone's like how did that get by watching one celebrity mia ham and that's it um all right and then uh oh and then this one rick, you are toying with us. Nixon did grow up poor. Kissinger left Germany in 1938 when he was 15. He did not grow up in a concentration camp. His family died in the Holocaust. He lost like 13 family members in the Holocaust. Did he?

Yeah. And did he have them killed? It's very possible he bombed them. He was, yeah, he was very, he was ahead of his time there. He knew what he was getting into for a career. It was collateral damage. It had to be done. I love Christmas. It's when I do my best bombing. And he also said that Mike, tell Mike to stop missing the phrase, beg the question. It does not mean raise the question.

I know he's right. But but it's all it's commonly used that way. I'm not defending it, but it is commonly used that way now. it's commonly used that way. I'm not defending it, but it is commonly used that way now. Boy, I tried understanding. I looked it up. I tried understanding, beg the question, which is, it's like a presumed premise. That's true. You're presuming it's true. So I guess is your premise really should beg the question. Why is that true? I guess that's what it is.

I don't know. I've never used it that way. Well, stop using it. Okay. And I'm going to stop saying that college football players don't get paid. Basically, all – this is from Steve Stranger. Basically, all players in Division I are getting name image likeness money now and not $50,000 for someone being on the cover of a video game. Michigan, for example, all 66 players on the roster,

many who don't play get at least $66,000 a year. Their top player gets $1.2 million. So he goes on and on to list all these other players that make a lot of money. So I guess I was wrong about that. But it's still in proportion to the revenue the sport is taking in. It is still not commensurate with the NFL. People hate us talking about sports.

And on that note, did you see the Oregon game last night? I don't watch college football. Oh. Well, like me, I think you were more into the story. Like, is there a good story? And I mean, this was a championship and who goes on into the playoffs?

Anyway, it was Oregon-Washington and it came down to Washington scored a touchdown. Instead of being up three with two minutes left, they were up 10. Now Oregon has to score twice. And everyone's like, I mean, I don't know if they could do it. I don't even think they had all three of their timeouts. So they get the ball.

I don't know what it was. I think they scored a touchdown in six seconds. It was two plays. No. Two plays, touchdown. Now they're down by three. On sides kick. And they're down by three. Onside's kick, and they could have had a shot.

All they needed was a field goal to tie. Did not happen. Wait, did they recover the onside's kick? No, no, no. And then they didn't stop them. All right, well, that's a boring story. Well, incredibly exciting game, and a lot of people felt Washington deserved it.

James Parham wrote in to say, please turn up the volume exclamation point with these mics. We'll hear the difference. Yeah. There was another Venmo person who took the opportunity on Venmo to tell me to turn up the volume. Yeah. Well, Chris Denman was in LA this week.

We took him to lunch at the Penmar. He dressed in normal street clothes. He didn't wear a fucking suit like last time. And he thought we were yelling and too loud the whole time. He kept turning us down. And we and he said he swears that they have looked at the volume problem. And so, you know, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. Shout out to Fitz Gibbons, uh, from Denman. Okay. Yes. Tour dates coming up. I will be doing, I've, I don't know that I announced this yet on Sunday papers because it kind of, the lineup came together recently every year for many years, I've done a benefit for the best buddies, which is a group, uh, that helps people with intellectual disabilities, get internships and jobs, uh, housing, uh, a great group. And we are doing our annual benefit at the comedy store on December 13th on the lineup, Sarah Silverman, Andrew Santino, Bobby Lee, Ron Funches, Annie Letterman, myself,

and a special surprise guest we can't announce because he has a big show in L.A. coming up. But he'll be there as well. So get tickets at FitzDawg.com and, you know, or go to the Comedy Store website. But it's a great cause. It's going to be an amazing show and uh come on out and and support it also coming to fort worth at hyenas december 15th and 16th milwaukee improv december 29th through 31st den theater in chicago january 13th. Tell your friends, let's sell that baby out. Also come into Atlanta, Portland, La Jolla, and Tampa. Tickets at fitsdog.com. Now let's talk about mental health. I struggle with it somewhat successfully. I would say very successfully. And part of that is I've gone to talk therapy over the years. I can't think of a better way to do it than online with BetterHelp.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp, and they have been a part of this show for a long time. They started me off with a free trial membership. I then started paying for it for myself for a couple of years. I got a great therapist. If you fill out a questionnaire, here's the best part. They learn about you and then they pair you up with a therapist that has expertise in that area that you're looking for, whether it's cognitive behavioral therapy, maybe you want to deal with anxiety, maybe you got depression, maybe you're in the middle of a

divorce. Everybody has a need for therapy and this is the way to do it. And you could switch therapists anytime for no charge. Right. And also, like, it's the holiday season. You're dealing with so much, like, do you exchange gifts, cards? Like, it takes the fun out of it if you have the wrong attitude. So here's an opportunity to maybe deal with that a little bit. Um,

so, uh, in the season of giving, give yourself what you need with better help. Visit better help.com slash Sunday today. Get 10% off your first month. That's better. H E L P help.com slash Sunday.

Okay. Okay. Nice. All right. Ticket buying experience. Listen, you know what I'm talking about. Game time. I just looked it up, and I'll get into reading some of the bullet points that I have to read. But listen, we love this.

I just looked up. We had an experience this week. My sister, we're going to go to the Rolling Stones. They put their tickets on sale. She got an advanced purchase thing through another site. The number came back. It was more than three times the price of the tickets on game time right now. Here you go, On game time right now. Here you go.

All in in SoFi Stadium. See the Rolling Stones? $100. Ours were over three times that. No kidding. Wow. It's killing me. And this is already.

Normally on a website like this, you would see. And we went through the legitimate one, the seller and all that. Normally, though, on a website like GameTime on an app, right now, this many months out in advance, it would be thousands. That's what I was expecting to see. Wow. $100 all in. So anyway, you browse through the GameTime app. I love, as I've told you guys before, I love going to Discover

and you see what's going on. Oh, mine is from Miami because I was just in Florida. Let us return to Los Angeles. Here we go. Warriors Clippers. That's a good one. 41 bucks. I get to go for free.

I'm friends with one of the coaches. That's today. Oh, that's a nice way to take the wind out of my sails here. And then what else do we got? Oh, no. I guess the WNBA. You wouldn't know it, but I don't think they're in season. But it's a great way I go on there to see what's going on in

every city. So you browse through the app. You talk about the upcoming events. You look for the upcoming events. You view all the seats in the venue from the perspective of the seats. The lowest price guaranteed. You get event cancellation protection, job loss protection. And I just want to say how easy the app is.

It's such a pleasure to find an app where you just literally a couple of taps. It downloads to the phone. You don't have to transfer. You don't have to print. It's easy. And I love the all in prices that they show you because it's like even through the other one, my sister bought it's like, oh, all right, that looks like a good deal. Oh, wait, it's double that, it turns out, when you're in the checkout.

So Game Time has deals on tickets right up to the start of the event. I usually get them in the parking lot. And even an hour after it starts, You find exclusive flash deals, sponsored deals, zone deals. It's fantastic. So take the guesswork out of buying tickets with GameTime. Download the GameTime app, create an account and use code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem the code PAPERS for $20 off. Downline game time today. Last minute deals.

Tickets lowest price guaranteed. All right, listen. Oh, and this came in. A guy said, hey, Fitz, I'm going to call you Fitz. Big fan. Just took a few moments to comment on your game time ads. I think it's hilarious that you mentioned that your own tickets are not available on the site. That must have been pointed out by some fans.

Anyway, I'm actually using the game time to see if the Deck the Balls concert at the Pabst here in Milwaukee has any last minute tickets. Because why not? That's where I'm going to be. True fan, Cody Anderson. All right. You got some paper to crinkle? Oh, do I? I got this.

I should have phrased that as a question. Oh, do I? I have wrapped her sweatpants I haven't opened. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! All right.

Here we go. Tissue? I got to wrap it for Granola Bar. Representative George Santos. He gone, expelled from Congress in a historic vote. The House on Friday voted to expel Representative George Santos over his many fabrications on the 2022 campaign trail and his two federal indictments. The vote makes Santos just the sixth lawmaker and first Republican to be expelled from the House in U.S. history. The vote comes after the House Ethics Committee released a report accusing Santos of a, quote,

complex web of unlawful activity involving his campaign, personal, and business finances. Well, the good news is I think he can fall back on his volleyball experience. He was an amazing volleyball player, or maybe he could teach at his alma mater, NYU, or return to Goldman Sachs where he worked, or maybe his grandparents who escaped from the Holocaust could give him advice on how to survive, sort of. Or maybe his mom who survived 9-11. I mean, he has a lot of survivors in the family. I think he's going to be a good answer. It's astounding how long this took. This is, I think, the third time this hearing came up, and he skated through the first two. It is, I mean, he lied about getting Botox.

He lied about the fact that he took unemployment during the pandemic, even though he was still drawing a salary somewhere. Do you remember he swindled a disabled veteran who had a sick dog? He did like a crowdsource thing for him and he kept the money and he kept the money he also more with dogs he bought a ton of dogs saying he was going to put them up for adoption and then i think he sold he then sold them i think for a profit something like that and then he faked that he had a gay marriage never got married uh his employees did not die in the pulse shooting in miami his niece was not kidnapped

he hid the fact that he was a drag queen in brazil which there were photos of and he said it wasn't him and he said he was on hannah montana and was a broadway producer also i think i think i have this right he was already out as a homosexual yet he was married for six years during that time to a woman. And I think the accusations were it was one of those immigration employees. I believe that Santos should have started every congressional session with his own corrections section. Yeah. I mean, poor Al Franken joke pictures,

which were, I believe, taken the wrong way. And he resigns. Yeah, that's pretty. Or I guess like the dignified move was resigning and whatever. It's so many Republicans wanted this guy gone. And, you know, he had he had Democrat Democrat defenders, too, saying he deserved his day in court and all that. But so much was coming up that was you didn't need to prove. And you lose, as companies say, we've lost faith in you as an employee of this company. Like you can't you can't be you know, you can't lead by example anymore. Speaking of people losing their heads, a Virginia man has died after being pulled headfirst into a wood chipper. The man was trimming a tree in Virginia.

The police department said that it happened around on Tuesday. It's it's unfortunate. And I hate that it happened on Tuesday. It's unfortunate, and I hate that it happened, the police chief said. He also said Steve Buscemi is currently under investigation. His family issued a statement that as far as wood chippers go, he went out on his terms head first. You don't want to go the other way. Your feet are the start of a woodchipper death. That has to be the worst thing ever. Yeah, right, right.

That's like Brody, not Brody. That's like, what's his name? The captain in Jaws. Just getting chomped beginning with the feet all the way up to the head. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's the same thing about jumping off a building land on your head you gotta dive because you don't want to land and break both legs and your pelvis and now your family goes into debt fucking caring for

you on life support by the way i'm in San Francisco. I'm just reading about that. You know, they built a net around the Golden Gate Bridge because so many people were jumping. I know. I think there's even documentaries on it. And they all, most of them jump off the, whatever side is facing the city. Well, I just read the cost of it.

It has to be the east side. There was so much financial mismanagement. It has now cost more money in adjusted rates than the bridge itself cost to make. Wait, what? The net? What does cost more? The net. more the net building the net on the golden gate bridge and adjusted for inflation dollars has cost almost no i'm sorry just short of the amount of cost to build the bridge 25 less probably not

adjusted but anyway no adjusted adjusted what do they think they are an apple factory in china why why do they feel they need this net if people people want to kill themselves, let them do it in the best place possible. I mean, that's romantic. We're going to jump off onto a sidewalk and land on people. Now let them go into the fucking bay. There's almost zero risk that they are going to land on someone, unlike if they jump off a building. Right. Yeah. And it is. Yeah, it's I don't know why people do that. Has anyone lived? I'd like to ask them why. Why? I don't think anybody has ever lived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. And you know that it's of course it screams like great metaphor over here.

But, you know, the guys who paint the Golden Gate Bridge by when they finish, it's already time to start. Right. Back on the other side where they began. Yep. Chris just wrote in and wrote in that a planned one hundred and forty million dollar project after years of delay may end up costing more than 400 million dollars i know what they're doing this is where they're going to put all the homeless people in these nets they're going to push them off the bridge yeah they're all going to be in the net then they throw down food to them twice a day hey you guys like trampolines come on we just built a new trampoline um what is this about look What a view. Look at this view. You have the best view in the Bay Area.

Are you kidding me? Wait, before we move on from the wood chipper, last night I caught up. I'm watching the current season of Fargo. How is it? Fargo is one of the best series ever. I'm with you on the first two seasons. Top 20? The Chris Rock season I had to stop watching.

I was not buying Chris Rock at all. I did not watch the Chris Rock season. So maybe I have time to. So get this. I thought I could watch all of them. And I watched, I think, episode three last night and couldn't go any further. Now, some of the characters are bothering me because I think what happens is you're stepping into very big shoes. So there's people who are acting like heavies and I can kind of see them acting heavy.

We're like Billy Bob Thornton. So I went back. I watched the first episode and a half of season one. If you have not watched Fargo, just go watch the first episode of season one. It's, I did not realize that that amazing scene between he and Tom Hanks' son, God forgive me, I don't know, I'm forgetting his name, that when he, he when Hank's son pulls him over, which is giving nothing away. There is a scene. It's really short. I'd say it's probably a minute and a half. Anyway, that's in episode one. Also, I thought it was further on. It's so it's so well done. Colin Hanks. Yeah. Yeah. Now, I agree. The first two seasons of Fargo are some of the best TV I've ever seen in my life.

Oh, and Jean Smart? Amazing. Yeah, she's incredible. I think she won the Emmy for that. She did, and so did Billy Bob Thornton, I think. Wow. What's this next story? Private jets headed to global warming conference

are literally frozen on the runway. That's it. That's all you need. I just grabbed this because sometimes, and it's not an onion headline, sometimes this setup is also the joke. Yes. And if you want to know a little more, it's private jets in Munich on the way to the Dubai Global Warming Conference

are literally frozen on the runway, which has turned into a glacier, said Ryan Mao, a meteorologist and former NOAA chief scientist. So they can't get off the runway because they're frozen. So they're unable to get to the hundred and twenty five degree Dubai. Yeah. And the global warming conference speaking of the onion so i went back and i looked for my favorite onion headlines about global warming new report finds climate change caused by seven billion key individuals what new report finds climate change caused by 7 billion key individuals. And then latest climate change report, just heartfelt farewell. Meanwhile, I take it back.

Dubai is a nice 69 degrees with a high of 84. Maybe we're really in more trouble than we thought. Yeah. Okay, This one, millennials said in a recent poll, they need $525,000 a year to be happy. And I think that headline should have been millennials need $525,000 a year to remain unhappy or change happy to survive. Yeah. They're not going to be happy. So in mid-November, financial services company Empower released the results of a survey conducted by the Harris Poll in August that asked over 2,000 Americans age 18 and over if they think there is a price of happiness.

The average respondent said they think they need a $284,000 annual salary to be happy. And millennials, that amount was much higher at $525,000. Whoa. Well, listen, after their dogs get cancer, it's very expensive to throw a pity parade. Yeah. And everything's about you, so you're going to need more money. Wow.

That's amazing. You know, I see millennials, and it's like me and the wife will go out to a fancy restaurant maybe once a month. That's it. Otherwise, we cook at home maybe we check take out healthy take out you know for the most part but every time i go to these restaurants it is filled with people in their 20s that are getting appetizers and multiple fancy drinks and then they go out to these fucking you know ipa breweries and then they get you know expensive takeout sent

to the house from the best restaurant you know like it's it's amazing one of my neighbors they're like that and they are just uh it's it's incredible how much money they spend trips trips constantly the drinks in la and we should have people write back, the drinks in LA, the number that comes in, and I do it a lot, the number that comes to mind is $17. Minimum. Minimum. Sometimes it's $22. No, no, no. I mean, and sometimes it's less, of course, and it depends where you go. But at this point, I think a restaurant is being reasonable when I see a drink that's a little more complicated than a vodka soda, but not much for 15. Yeah, I think I think they're being kind of reasonable.

So what is it in Chicago? Was it in Miami, Austin? You know, beers are still six bucks or whatever. But I'm talking about like you want a cocktail and it's on the menu. So you're not asking for the shittiest vodka soda. But you're not asking for like for alcohol craziness but uh yeah it's i don't know how they do it either because i read this thing uh a more recent study on that um i read a more recent study that it was a there's this harvard professor that teaches a famous class about happiness and

it's the most attended class at Harvard University. And in it, he talks about that there is a plateauing of happiness once you hit, I think the number when I read it, this is a few years ago, was like $70,000. And that the money you make after that might make you more comfortable, might give you more choices, but it does not bring more happiness. Yeah. I think the premise there, although it might be another study, was like, once you're, I don't know what they call them, primal needs, shelter, food, and, you know, and especially in America, probably a bit more than that. But once those are met, like you can afford car insurance and a car or if you need it or you can afford transportation and you can afford to eat and be comfortable at night, you have shelter, then happiness gets trickier. Right. And really, I mean, mo' money, mo' problems is a real thing. I mean, when you

suddenly are making $500,000 a year, now you got an assistant, you got a housekeeper, you got a landscaper, you got a pool guy, you're overseeing a crew of people. You got skis, you got a tennis court. Yeah. You got a pool you got people that are you wonder who wants something from you you wonder if your cousin who's coming to visit really wants to see you or he wants to borrow money you know it's uh yeah things get more complicated i can tell you because uh i'm making upwards of 71 000 a year and it's that extra

thousand is throwing me into a fucking tailspin. I was going to say, yeah. Why are you happier? Here is a story about a Texas mom. She was booted from her sex education role after the school district she served discovered she was a convicted prostitute who is still advertising herself as an escort ashley catcher side 38 yeah has been busted twice for her side hustle uh before on a council that recommends appropriate grade levels and methods for human sexuality instruction for school and

godly quote we had no idea what was going on in her personal life. She was always very friendly and personable, the school board trustee Kayla Lynn said. She advertised scantily clad images of herself online as, quote, true girl next door. I mean, look, do you want an expert in this class? Is there any parent who knows more about sex and she could also teach it in conjunction with an economics class listen i googled her image because of her name appearing in this and personally i do not know why she needs this day job no she looks good she would do just fine on the girl next door app or whatever i should copyright that the girl next door app um but maybe it wasn't about the money and you know she was just giving back right maybe that's what it was right stopping her she wants kids to understand the basics today kids we're gonna

learn about oral sex it's 50 bucks unless your husband wants you to lick his balls then it's 75 any questions yeah i don't know how i just saw a clip online it came across my feed and i think it was shane with bobby lee and they were talking about when you were like things we talked about when you were just your testosterone your new testosterone is flying around your body. And you're in eighth, ninth grade. And the most even unattractive or very old. And they even said like and they're trying to wear outfits that cover it up. So they could be the least sexual version of themselves possible.

And still you'd fantasize about them. Mrs. Globerman, eighth grade. We don't have to name them. Oh my God. With those two globes. She had the most beautiful face and hair and calves. And she, we used to come to class stone because the class was after lunch.

And in eighth grade, we used to get high every single, we'd play stickball and get high behind the school. And so she called us all after school, me and my three friends. And she told us that we were going to become drug addicts. And that if we kept doing this, eventually we would be doing cocaine and acid. And we laughed and we said, that's so ridiculous. And within a year we were doing cocaine and acid. And we laughed and we said, that's so ridiculous. And within a year, we were doing cocaine and acid. She drove a Mercedes convertible to school. Well, same. So not naming names, but I dated a teacher, a high school teacher, and who did nothing wrong, but there'd be vacation shots and she's in a bikini and she brought it.

And she had a crazy body. I couldn't believe it wasn't an issue in every single way like that. I can't believe the principal. And again, it's a tough thing because she's doing zero wrong. And listen, they were tasteful, all that stuff. It was just how you would see vacation photos in a bathing suit. Right. And but I can't believe like sites weren't started by the students. And like if that was if I was growing up with that, my mind would have exploded. How old were her students?

High school. Oh. Seniors seniors juniors all all all of the four years of high school shit oh no no no i mean oh my god speaking of bitches being crazy former pro wrestler tammy sunny sitch has been sentenced to more than 17 years in prison for drunkenly colliding with another car, killing a 75 year old man. Is that killing him or is that just kind of moving things along? While her blood alcohol level was four times the legal limit, authorities in Florida, said. Uh-huh. Sitch, who was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2011, pleaded no contest to driving under the influence manslaughter. She also had an unsealed bottle of vodka in her vehicle

and cannabis in her system. I didn't know they checked for that. She'd been arrested multiple times for driving under the influence in Pennsylvania. She did not have a Florida driver's license. Quote, the defendant's history of drinking and driving is horrendous. State Attorney General said after issuing the sentencing, it was only a matter of time before her drunk driving killed an innocent and unsuspecting individual.

I have to say, though, she said it was all a misunderstanding. She didn't really hit the guy with the car she was pretending to never made any real contact it's a breakaway car it like kind of folds around them it's not it's like those chairs right it's possible he did not die from the impact of the car crash it's when she slammed him with a folding chair afterwards that's what took him down listen she never had a chance with that one-two combo of pennsylvania and florida doomed from the start now listen to this sunny also had a side hustle in porn and i'm not making that up she posed nude on this nude wrestler website. And in 2016, she did a vivid pornographic film titled Sunny Side Up in through the back door.

Damn. Way to blow the whole fucking plot for you in the title. Maybe that's what she was trying to do. She was going in through his back door with her car. But I Googled her. was going in through his back door uh with her car right but i googled her and unlike the previous story i would say she definitely should not quit her day job of being a reckless alcoholic she should stick to that yeah she's got a gift she's got a gift yeah because she's not going to make money uh showing showing her goods this story got sent to us from our dear friend Dudley,

who said that, didn't we mention Dudley earlier? Yeah, we did in Atlanta. Yes, he was masturbating during Ali lighting the torch. Allegedly. Three men and a woman have been charged in a fight that erupted the night before Thanksgiving at the iconic Saugus, Massachusetts restaurant, Cowloon, police said Thursday.

Saugus police identified the four people and the charges they faced and noted that a report was being prepared. The four people were charged with two counts of assault and battery, dangerous weapon. Anyway, the reason I bring this story up is on Thanksgiving, the Cowloon was one of the first places I got paid to do stand-up comedy.

It's about 15 minutes north of Boston. And Saugus is, if you saw John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, was that Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn? Or was that Bayside? Weirdly, I've never seen the movie no isn't that amazing I've seen parts of it a lot but yeah he was brought it was it definitely was Brooklyn yeah so anyway he uh this Saugus was the equivalent of that it was like Italian girls with big hair guys with boondowsen t-shirts and uh Joey Buttafuoco pants and wrestler sneakers.

And, you know, there was a lot of dance clubs and a lot of fights. And so the first time I got paid at the Kowloon, and this is funny because this story was on Thanksgiving. And I called my family. I was about 23 years old. And I said, I can't come home for thanksgiving which was devastating my family we had a very close family and holidays were a huge deal and nobody ever missed a holiday so i said i can't make it for thanksgiving i got my first paid gig and i gotta do it and the reason i got the gig is nobody else wanted to work on Thanksgiving night. So my family piled in the

car, drove to Saugus, got a hotel room on Route 1 in Saugus and came to my Thanksgiving night show. So they're sitting in the audience. My dad, of course, has on like a blazer and a dress shirt. And my mom's got a nice dress dress and my brother and my sister are there and i'm hosting i'm the mc so i walk on stage and the place is actually pretty full for thanksgiving and the kowloon if you don't know it's like a polynesian restaurant where they would uh serve you um booze in bowls you know like like giant. What do they call them? Generally, the most popular one is a scorpion bowl. Yeah, the scorpion bowls.

And so the bowls were normally served with three or four straws, and you shared it at your table. They were huge. But at the Kowloon, everyone got their own bowl. One straw, this one's mine. And so I get on stage. The place is pretty full except the front row, which for some reason is empty, which I don't understand. So I start doing my set.

And I'm friends with the door guys there because I've been doing open mic nights, you know, where you work for free. And so I know them pretty well. So I'm on stage. And all of a sudden, the door opens. And in walks a line of people who walk. He seats them in the front row. I look down, and they are all intellectually disabled. And I look at him, and he's standing at the door smiling.

And they go on to laugh at all the setups to the jokes, yelling out, talking to me, talking to each other. Oh, my God. It was a complete nightmare. And my family was laughing their asses off. Also mentally ill, your family. Yes. I'm looking up Scorpion Bowls. So when I got to know them, I was probably 18,

and it was in Harvard Square at the Hong Kong restaurant. Mm-hmm. Yeah, the Hong Kong. I want to see if it's—I just saw a headline that said it was open for 30 years. I want to see if it's still open. I don't think it is. No. I think it is.

It used to have a comedy show. A very famous comedy show was there for a long time. But then I heard that it changed ownership. According to my phone, it closes at 11 p.m. tonight. No way. And it's open. Yes. I mean, not for good.

Wow. Meaning it's open. Damn. Hong Kong restaurant. It's open, but then I think a Chinese restaurant is taking it over in the year 2025. That's exactly right. It's no longer Chinese. Yeah.

They're going to use the hoses to spray down all the protesters, and they're resisting. But, oh, my God, we'd go in there. I don't even know how that place made that much ice. It was bowl after bowl after bowl. Just every table would get bowls with all the straws. There'd be like two or three bowls per table. It was insane.

And nobody needed to be 21. It was all ages. And you'd see them make it. It was probably watered down alcohol. It had to be. But you would get just pie-eyed in there. Let's go to entertainment. You got it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where is the, hold on, hold on. You got to give me, what's up that I got to grab this? There we go. Kelly Clarkson continues her winning streak and her divorce from Brandon Blackstock. The labor commissioner ruled Brandon was overcharging her by millions when he represented her as her manager.

I mean, basically, I could read this whole thing, but the bottom line is he was acting as an agent. There's a difference between an agent and a manager in Hollywood. You cannot commission certain things as a manager. Only an agent can. He was her manager. And basically he's on the hook for $2.6 million that he has to return to her for booking her on The Voice, Billboard Magazine Awards, whatever uh she had to pay him originally 1.3 million and 45 000 a month in child support plus 115 000 a month in spousal report these fucking guys kelly repped by her attorney ed mcpherson got the family pets multiple cars including a ford bronco a ford f250, and a Porsche Cayenne, as well as a flight simulator. A Bronco F-250.

She sounds like the dude in this. Right. She also got the guns, the 14-foot snake, the smokers and the grills, and their vintage porn collection. Right, right. She gets everything in the man cave. She's really telling the world, like, I wear the pants in this family. It's hilarious.

I think this is a little shady, though, on a real note. First of all, a husband can negotiate all these things. You know what I mean? Like, a husband can represent you and do these deals. And I think, here's my guess, and I know nothing about this. I didn't even know she was getting divorced. And I did not know her husband was her manager. Here's my thinking. And let me see if you agree. When they're married, it's us against them. It's like, get whatever money you can out of this company.

And so I think he then acted as her manager and he got all these additional fees. And as you know, then acted as her manager and he got all these additional fees. And as you know, when you negotiate in Hollywood, it's a BS little arrangement. But a lot of times your agent and or manager goes, hey, is there any way you can give an extra this so he doesn't have to pay my commission? Can we add this to their fee? So basically they're not losing 10%. And I think they probably did that. But then when things went south for them, she's like, hey. And the lawyer came up with an idea like, you know, you could get all this back because he didn't deserve that. I'll say something else.

A lot of times managers are in bed with the studios and the networks because they've got multiple clients. And they need to maintain a good relationship with NBC so they don't push that hard. Now, if your husband or your mother or your father is your manager and you're their only client, they're fucking going for the jugular. They don't give a shit. I mean, did he represent other people once they got going and then she was that big? Who knows? I just love the whole kelly clarkson type performer she's a she's a talent show winner who now judges another talent show to create new batches of talent show judges it's like a cycle of just corny corporate shills devouring themselves for an ever

more vapid american audience sold the lie that you have to follow your dream to have a meaningful life well i think she was the second best thing to come out of that and i did stop watching that American audience sold the lie that you have to follow your dream to have a meaningful life. Well, I think she was the second best thing to come out of that. And I did stop watching that show very early, but, um, she, I don't know. She, she can sing for sure. No, I shouldn't shit on her. I know very little about her, but just that whole world of like winning, you know, they win a talent show and then they judge a talent show and then they tour with the talent show and it's just like i'm so sick of everybody believing that you have to be that person to be happy like we're all meant to move everyone's supposed to leave akron ohio on a greyhound and show up to hollywood to see if simon cowell thinks they're talented. Am I talented, Simon?

Just go home and join a fucking union. Get married and ball. I'm going to Google best American Idol while you read the next story. She was the first American Idol winner of all time. So that was pretty big. Oh, yeah, she was. Oh, yeah, she beat that weird haired guy. But I mean, I actually looked her up i mean it's jennifer hudson people will say carrie underwood forget that compared to hudson no but i you know i felt like i should know more about her so i did some research she actually is a pretty interesting character and i think she did

take some turns to not be labeled as bubblegum on a lot of occasions and she I think started her own label and became you know a little more rock influenced and not just garbage but I don't know her music who cares David Archuleta remember that name god Chris Dart Daughtry yeah. Catherine McPhee. Adam Lambert. Yep. Clay Aiken. Wait, Clay Aiken was... Yeah, of course.

I had him in a boys band. Did he then join a boys band? I've blurred him with other people. Yeah. Oh, Jordan Sparks. God, these names. Fantasia Barrino. She's doing well, isn't she? All right, let's make America Florida. Oh, Jordan Sparks. God, these names. Fantasia Barino. She's doing well, isn't she?

All right, let's make America Florida. Oh, okay. Here we go. I was a Greek guy recently, I think. Okay, here we go. Florida. This. How could I not click on this headline? Florida man arrested for pooping on dead possum during rush hour. Of course,

Rudy Wilcox, 45, was picked up by Clearwater police on Wednesday around 530 p.m. after he was seen dropping trow in the middle of the Belcher Road and Willow Tree Trail intersection, then laying a log, I did not write this, on the doubly unfortunate possum in full view of the motoring public. The defendant was observed defecating on a deceased possum with his pants lowered and his anal region exposed. The Pinellas County affidavit obtained by the smoking gun gun read. In addition to pooping on the possum with inside a motorist, he was also allegedly witnessed in action by a police officer with the Clearwater Police Department. Physical evidence was viewed at the scene, which corroborates the allegations alleged. The affidavit noted he was charged with exposure of sexual organs.

Meanwhile, the possum's family's like, it was a hell of a lot more than that. Yeah, way to bury the lead. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm not sure about shitting on a possum, although it would be pretty luxurious to wipe your ass with it. I would shit next to him and then use him like one of those boot cleaners

on my stinking ass. Maybe he thought the possum was playing dead and he was just seeing if he could get him to break character. That would be the move. Yeah. Oh, you're dead. We'll see about that. Let's see how dead you are Speaking of going where you shouldn't go

What's this next one? You're doubling up on Florida man We're doing two Floridas We're skipping Australia this week Although we should I should We should maybe I think I brought this up

Consider a Pennsylvania man But anyway The headline was, I got to go pee and a woman pulls down pants in the aisle during a Florida flight. And there's video of it. So a woman riding on a Frontier Airlines flight flashed her fellow passengers on Monday after pulling her pants down mid-flight. The woman, who has not been publicly identified, was one of several passengers headed to Philadelphia from Florida. Uh-oh. Was this Sonny the wrestler trying to escape?

That was my first thought. The footage shared with News 6 by a passenger shows the woman saying sorry everybody before pulling down her pants and squatting in the aisle. So already, I don't believe this, no woman going from Florida to Philly would ever say they're sorry. No, that's their right. That's just part of the flight. That's why you get an aisle seat. The woman indicated that she intended to relieve herself in the aisle

after reportedly being told she couldn't use the bathroom by a flight attendant. Other passengers on the flight could be heard shouting at her, with one saying that there were children on the plane. She was seen pulling her pants back up before yelling, I don't give a shit. No, fuck you. I gotta go pee. This sounds so philly. Meanwhile, another passenger on the flight could be heard saying that poor little boy, likely referring to the young boy in the seat next to where the woman dropped her pants. I would have been yelling that poor boy back when he

boarded the Frontier flight from Florida to Philly. Yeah, right. And she by the way, she didn't actually pee. She took her pants down way, she didn't actually pee. She took her pants down. She didn't take a shit. This puts her in the top 4% of all frontier passengers.

Which, by the way, I think charges an extra 50 bucks to use the bathroom. So it's justified. Now, I think Florida didn't let her bring it on, but she was probably had plans to pee on a dead possum in that aisle. That's the move now. They're very absorbent. It's a Florida move. All right, let's go to international. Here we go.

It's an international crinkle. Pope Francis has made strides in the Catholic Church's acceptance of transgender people, but recently took a dramatic step to ensure his message was being received. A group of transgender women with a history of personally interacting with the pontiff were invited to join 1,000 other, ready for this, poor and homeless guests for lunch to mark the Catholic Church's World Day of the Poor. They were treated like VIPs, with one a former sex worker seated at the table with the Pope. What?

He said they're the same, and same-sex relationship people can be baptized and witness marriages. I mean, I'm sure the transgender people were touched by the gesture. So we're invited, but on the same day as a thousand smelly homeless people. How about we come by when Elton John and Harry Styles are here for a meet and greet?

Also, doesn't, you know, Hitchens, in one of his amazing debates that literally took place in a church against the church. He goes, might I suggest you also apologize for this? And he had the longest list of atrocities committed by the church. And it just seems like, hey, look over here. We're being nice to transgender people. We're letting them eat with homeless people.

Well, I got to think he's also got a soft spot for transgender because Jesus was transgender. He wore a dress and he had long hair. And he hung out with prostitutes. Yeah. He would have fit right into this group. I like that. Good take.

I'm going to get some letters on that one. All right, let's cut it on down to this day in history. You got it. Here we go. December 3rd, 1967, 53-year-old Louis Wachanski receives the first human heart transplant in Cape Town, South Africa. He was a grocer dying from chronic heart disease. How does a fucking grocer get the first heart?

You would have thought it would be like, you know, a wealthy businessman or something, but maybe they wanted to see how it worked first he got the heart from a 25 year old woman who died in a car accident the surgeon performed this technique it had been initially developed by a group of american researchers in the 50s and researchers in the 50s. The first one was a successful transplant in a dog in 1958 in Stanford. The guy was given drugs to suppress his immune system and keep the body from rejecting the heart.

It left him susceptible to sickness, however, and 18 days later he died from double pneumonia. Oh, I thought he died because as soon as the female heart went in, he drove right into oncoming traffic, just like the woman who had the heart that he received. Wait a minute. Is this a Twilight Zone episode? All of a sudden, he wanted to kill himself. All of a sudden, wanted to kill himself All of a sudden he couldn't parallel park

They wanted his heart But he's like what am I a chick This is my fucking heart I'm not giving shit away Alright let's get to some letters from the editor Here we go Letters to the editor Fred Way says Love the show you two make me laugh

every week i'm writing to address a production issue that has bothered me since i first started listening four years ago uh the bumper leading into the entertainment section sounds like you should be on before the evening news not entertainment please have your st louis crew change this to something lighter like spanish flea by herb albert well we can't use real music but i get it i don't listen to the podcast but uh maybe this entertainment sting is not the one we should be using let's talk to chris denman about it after the show the herb albert, that would almost make it sound like a game show, wouldn't it, from the 70s? Scott.

Why don't we just use that? Why don't we just use what you just did? That is not copywritten. Hey, Fitz Dog, I got a story for you. A guy I worked with years ago witnessed this at a high school in Queensland, Australia. Two brothers, Andrew and Peter Ness, were great athletes, and during a school assembly, the headmaster was to give them both awards for competitions they'd won on the weekend.

He innocently announced their names, maybe trying to be formal, as A. Ness and P. Ness. Nobody in the school had ever put the two together. And these two poor bastards had to slowly make their way to the stage as the whole school was pissing their pants with laughter fucking anus and penis thank you scott for sharing that that's amazing yeah all right let's get sad time for the obituary here it is uh this guy shane mcgowan from the pogues uh died he um did not die of alcoholism surprisingly because he was a drunk but uh he i forget what i think he had an enlarged brain and then he maybe died of pneumonia at like 65. But this guy, if you don't know the Pogues,

do yourself a favor and just put on a fucking Pogues album. What's the one that's my favorite? Dirty Old Town? No. What's the one morning, Albert Bridge? That's my favorite. It is. If I Should Fall from Grace with God.

Oh, the album. Yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah. Well, just like he takes Irish music and he mixes it with punk music and uh it's just so much fun and it's so the lyrics are so fucking profound he hates the british i think he grew up in ireland and then moved to england and uh uh what a voice he was born which i did not know. Technically, he was born in England, which is shocking. But I think he lived in Ireland for a while.

Yeah, Limerick, I think. No, no, Tipperary. Tipperary. And hold on. And but I'm waiting. I'm looking up. At one point, Sinead O'Connor turned him into the police for drug possession, basically to save his life. And they busted him for heroin use. And he claims that that's how he got sober. And he thanks Sinead O'Connor for getting him sober. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. My favorite's Misty Morning, Albert Bridge. it's Misty Morning Albert Bridge, but his widow is brought up that Let's See a Fairy Tale of New York, which I think was the song most listed in every obituary. You know, it was the that was the one that they all mentioned. And it's a Christmas song. Isn't it a woman? He sings it with a woman? Yeah, yeah, yeah. McCall. I'm just really spacey right now. But yeah. And she she sadly passed away. But it's a Christmas song. You reach number two at one point. And she's wondering if you can get to number one. Now, there are some obstacles. So I'll just read you verbatim. I'm putting in none of my own words here. I am reading one of the news things that I clipped. In 2007, the BBC censored the song Fairytale of New York to remove the words faggot and slut, though it reversed the decision shortly afterwards.

Well, it's a Christmas song, so you need those words. So you need those words. So if this goes to number one, it's noteworthy that it has those. Well, especially one word in it. Wow. You know, what's really cool is the prime minister of Ireland made a statement, a very kind of heartwarming tribute to him, which I was kind of surprised about because it is he was so Republican. He was so anti-Crown. And it was a little bit scandalous. A lot of the stuff he's saying. Yeah. I saw the Pogues only once and he was in the middle, I think, of being kicked out of the Pogues.

So of all things, Joe Strummer was the front man. Wow. At the Beacon Theater. And that was, talk about energizing the Pogues. Man, it was the Beacon Theater was incredible. Probably around 95. I think he got kicked out in 91. No, I think it was 91.

Yeah. Well, he was also sick. I know Strummer talked about it. He was in the hospital because of, I think it was 91. Yeah. Well, he was also sick. I know Stromer talked about it. He was in the hospital because of, I think, alcohol abuse. Also, quick shout out to the family of Frances Sternhagen, who's a Tony Award winning actress. She was on ER. She was on Cheers, Outland, Misery.

But she won Tonys. She won Emmys. And she was the mother of a friend of mine from high school, John Carlin. And I don't know how she raised him. She was, I mean, I looked at her resume. It's crazy how much she worked. And I mean, I think she was like 90 when she died and she was working up until very recently so uh what a life and then i guess we got to talk about this henry kissinger character yeah who just died i think he was a hundred how does somebody like that live to

be a hundred how does a piece of garbage how does a war criminal like him survive? And by the way, yeah, so he wasn't in the Holocaust, but I mean, he had such disregard for human life. It was just astounding. I think someone can make an argument like Aaron Sorkin did, which he gave that line to Jack Nicholson, that it's life and death. The world is life and death, and you don't want to hear about the front line. I'm not defending him. I'm saying I wonder if that is a defense. He was obviously brilliant, but he committed atrocities for sure.

He created not only committed atrocities for sure. And I created not only committed atrocities. I mean, you know, bombed Cambodia illegally, which is a fucking war crime. This guy, if he had entered certain countries in the world would have been put in jail for the rest of his life. He created a situation in Cambodia that bred Pol Pot where a million people died. No more. Three million people died. Um, more. Three million people died. That's heinous.

I mean, overthrowing governments in Central America and putting dictators in power. It was all really fucking sick. And this guy, the fact that he was used as a resource by legitimate news agencies as a political pundit was repulsive to me. Won the Nobel Peace Prize. Yeah, what a joke.

Two people quit. After he won the Nobel Peace Prize, two people on the committee quit. Oh, interesting. I did read a very funny tweet. I wish I could give the person credit. But someone goes, when he died, first of all, there was a website. Is Henry Kissinger dead yet? And it was. And if you go back, it's been up for like, I think, years. No, no, nope. And then like someone I forget who died, some terrible person. And it was like so close. And then it was nope, nope, nope, nope. And then this week it was yes. So that that was really amusing. And then another one was they showed the announcement that he died. And the only thing the person wrote was, is it possible to fly a flag at twice staff?

to fly a flag at twice staff which i've never heard that's one of those jokes where you're like wow that's a new that that joke should have been around for years and maybe it's the first time i've heard it i read a biography of him about five years ago and it's just it was pretty pretty uh fawning revealing no no no it was pretty hard like the beckham documentary yeah i gotta see that still it's you know what's good about is we hardly knew anything about it but it would but it's listen it's a fluff piece yeah uh let's cheer up and go to the funnies well i cheered up with kissinger okay here we go. All right, so Hager and Lucky are in the first frame, and Lucky says the crew seems distracted.

Hager says, yeah. Cut to the second frame where they're on a boat, but it looks like one of those Venice gondolas, and they are being rowed by a guy. A gondolier? and they are being rowed by a guy, and each of the... A gondolier? A gondolier, and each of the sailors has got a thought bubble

with a woman's face and hearts on it. So I guess they're... I'm not sure if they already raped the women, or these are the ones they're planning on raping. But it's all romantic yeah it's in italy it's amore i wouldn't put heart with rape you know it's a rape it's a rape hey that's it hey you want the broccoli rape hey uh and then we got on the Lockhorns. I don't know how this one got in.

The comic strip is so good. And then they're waiting in line at the grocery store. There's an old lady handing coupons. And Leroy says, why do we always end up in the line with the lady with all the coupons? What? What happened to the integrity of this strip? I know. I'm looking for it to show his wife holding coupons like next. Something.

Yeah. This one is really hard to read because it's so small. Yeah, I got the same sitch. Can you read the bottom left one on the multi one? So not the top left one yes speaking of artificial okay so you got they're at a cocktail party which is a you know very familiar setting for these and they are dressed up and there's another couple and they're in a conversation with the other couple and we have i think it's what's the wife's name loretta loretta is talking speaking of artificial

intelligence have you heard leroy's thoughts on the economy? I don't think that was the one. Okay. You're in the best shape of your life. Oh, no, the one above it. Read the one above it. Sure. Sounds like you just did.

He's standing holding a newspaper. I think they look angry with each other. And who's talking? She's talking. She's talking. Yeah. You're in the best shape of your life. Let me guess.

A trapezoid. All right. That's a fucking slam. That is a slam. Good wordplay. Good wordplay. Okay, here's two more Farsides that break the fourth wall. We got two Safari guys.

They're the usual characters in the Farside family. So anyway, there's these two guys, and they're hacking their way through the thick, thick brush. And the other guy, one guy goes to the other. We can't go this way either, Simmons. And he's pointing up. See those lines? That's the international cartoon symbol for glass. He got us good, the dirty bugger.

So. And there's straight lines that I guess, yeah, that is what means glass. Weird to put it in the jungle. OK, then there's this. I don't know if I should. This one's gonna be hard to explain. So there are these in the background. There's an old woman and then there's like a farmer and he's sitting in his chair and he has a rooster on his lap. And then all of a sudden, two guys in the foreground who just look like two regular guys, like kids who are photobombing. And they're waving and yelling in the camera and blocking the shot. And the caption says, suddenly two bystanders stuck their heads inside the frame and ruined one of the funniest cartoons ever.

That's great. And it's not lost on me that the farmer does have a cock on his lap and the woman seems to be saying something to him. Yeah, yeah, that's good. Now, I didn't know, isary larson currently producing strips i thought these were all old these are all photobombing is within the last 10 years right i don't know i think people ruin pictures back when there were cameras yeah um speaking of ruining uh a woman in particular here's blondie oh by the way a woman came out of my show i should grab it and show it to you um a woman came out of my show uh last night and afterwards i'm saying

good night to people and she hands me a 1972 blondie comic book which was very cool in great condition and i've been enjoying the shit out of reading it and see pages are all stuck together Blondie comic book, which was very cool and great condition. And I've been enjoying the shit out of reading it. And see, pages are all stuck together. Yes. No, now they are.

Yeah. Um, so he's sitting on the chair with his feet up like he's earned it. And she's got her back to him reading a magazine. And, uh, she goes, the survey says men tend to hide their feelings he goes i don't feel like i hide my feelings she goes men stuff their emotions inside leading to

a pattern of stuffing stuffing and more stuffing he goes i just remembered we have leftover stuffing and she goes you'd think by now i'd be an expert on his triggers. How about being triggered by the back of your woman's head when it is yellow curly locks and soft supple shoulders in an angora green sweater with her calves exposed? How about that's a trigger? A trigger for you to get the fuck out of that chair,

go over, give her a neck massage, work your way down, give her a neck massage, work your way down, take her to the bedroom, and enjoy that you, you, of all men in the universe, have access to that woman, and yet you're going to go get fucking stuffing?

That's your trigger? How about a pattern of stuffing, stuffing, and more stuffing of your wife's vagine? Yes. She's setting you up. That's what the trigger should be. Yes.

If you have a wife like that and she says stuffing, I'm not thinking about food. That's it. I like it. Yeah. All right. Listen, we did it. And we hope you guys enjoyed the podcast. We hope you'll get involved with the holiday sale, the koozies.

$10 all in, no shipping. Go to FitzDawg.com. Get details how to get it before the holidays. Also, don't forget our sponsors, BetterHelp.com. If you sign up now and you use code S, you'll get 10% off your first month. Also, GameTime. We talk about them a lot. We believe in them.

We use them. If you go and create an account on the app, redeem code PAPERS for $20 off. We want to thank Midcoast Media, Chris Denman, and all the fine crew over there for helping us make the podcast. Mike, anything you want to... Oh yeah and the heil heil microphones thank you for the uh for the uh quality how did we sound hope you guys enjoy the new sound it's not going to help my terrible voice but maybe you can hear it anything you want to promote mike um? Oh, my God, yeah.

I should have talked about this earlier. I just went on HBO and watched the documentary Love Has Won. Have you heard about this? No. That's all I'll say. Go watch it. Okay, I'm going to watch it this week. We're going to talk about it next week. I'd say it was 11 p.m. when I decided I'm going to watch one episode.

Went to bed between 2 and 3. Wow. I watched the whole thing. Jesus. I smoked pot last night. I smoked pot, got into bed at midnight, and watched the final three episodes of Breaking Bad. I just finished.

I think it's the fifth season of the sixth season, however many seasons I got to the end. It's surreal. If you really watch it from the beginning, the way that show builds to you know where the show is going. You know at a certain point Hank and Walt are going to go head to head. And a whole series you're wondering who's going to win and then as it's happening and you realize how involved they get the wives into it

it was so fucking uh it's just surreal how intense it is and what it does and this gives nothing away everyone needs to see breaking bad but is it's very shakespearean and it does, and this gives nothing away, everyone needs to see Breaking Bad, but it's very Shakespearean and it's storytelling. And I don't use that lightly and I rarely say it about anything else. But, you know, it's one of those where it's oddly like, who am I rooting for? Yeah, right, right. I'm rooting. And then that character. Anyway, at that point, you're talking about. A guy I had been rooting against, which is his brother in law, all of a sudden I'm like, fuck that, I'm rooting for him now. Yeah, right. Like, what have I been thinking? And when Art does that, it's amazing. And when Art does that, it's amazing.

Yeah. All right. Speaking of Art, thanks for watching Sunday Papers, listening. If you're not watching it, think about getting on our YouTube channel. It's the Greg Fitzsimmons YouTube channel. You can watch the episodes there. Not too many people do, unfortunately. I think they just like hearing our voices.

If you haven't, go give us a good rating, hopefully, and a nice comment. Where is that, at Apple? Where do you do that? Apple Podcasts, and also on YouTube, you can leave comments, which is amazing. It really helps us. We read them all. We respond to them all. We appreciate you guys. All right.

On that note, I think we should all take it-ish. Take it-ish! We should all take it-ish. Take it-ish! So much news in the world today. Seems like right is wrong and wrong is right. Thank God for the journalistic integrity of Greg Fitzsimmons and his buddy Mike. With blinders on, your week has passed, but now Sunday has come at last. It's the Sunday Papers Podcast.