Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 195 12/17/23

Episode Date: December 17, 2023

Episode 195. Giuliani sure could use a rich friend who owes him a favor. Plus, a flying baby named Lord gets a miracle, teacher sex, and Tom Cruise is canoodling with a Russian oligarch’s ex-wife. Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail]

read all about it read read read baby you gotta read you can't scroll you gotta read all about it it's the only way to get the news for real we're gonna listen all about it listen all about it it's goddamn sad that people here's a in the old days well in the really old days if you wanted news you had to climb up the side of a mountain to some magi and get wisdom. To the Oracle? The Oracle. And now you just sit down on the shitter and scroll through TikTok videos. And that's how people get their news.

Do you know what percentage of Americans only get their news from scrolling their feed? I think it's 103%. 103%. That's right. I read that on the shitter Yeah it was the Yeah I always

When I take a dump And I'm reading my phone I put it down and then I wash my hands And then I pick it up again Huh Because think about it you're getting shit on the thing you're pressing against your face right that's no good sometimes i have a feeling like when i go in an airport bathroom i want to wash my hands before i go to the urinal yes i can see

i don't i'm clean i showered that morning i don't have a problem the washing it after is not really if i don't touch anything i guess i touch myself that might be without hands you just you just undo your fly and let everything just fall out and pee no i know i touch myself nothing gross i mean i just masturbate yeah yeah i where are you i've lost track i'm in fort worth texas not to be confused with dallas that's a very big uh that's a touchy point for them and if you want to win them over you you walk on stage and you go, it was so great to fly into Dallas and then drive the fuck out of there to go to Fort Worth. Wow. Yeehaw.

Is it cold? Are they getting their ice storms yet? Fucking cold, man. Texas, you think Texas, you think warm, but Texas is a fucking cold state in the winter. Well, of course. They had all those, the heating crisis that they had. The heating crisis. That's what they called it.

The grid failed. Grid failed because they believe that you should be independent. You shouldn't be leaning on nobody else. You shouldn't count on a backup electrical system if yours goes down. I don't know why they're not called out on being more insulting we're the lone star sorry we're we're you know you got america but we're we're uh we're really out on our own we're a lone star yeah it's like i don't know is that allowed i don't think you're allowed to do that to be do you have a different constitution yeah it seems like they still

want to uh secede i think there's a fair amount of secede uh people here oh my god where do i sign where do i sign to support that um all right let's not get into politics on the podcast haven't we learned anything love fort worth do love fort worth good people uh the late show last night look the late show friday is the show that i don't sell as many tickets at if i do five shows in a weekend that's the one show that doesn't sell it's the first show at 8 30 the second one's at 11 who the fuck is people wake up at 6 30 in the morning on a friday you think they're going out to an 11 o'clock show that lasts till one in the morning right so long story short what they do is they start giving out free passes to people on their mailing list and i'm standing in the back of the

room and the two comics ahead of me are just choking on their own vomit they are going up in flames it is bomb fest 2023 and i'm like and i've got no energy i flew in yesterday you and i did a monster year-end podcast that will air on the 24th and i worked out and then i uh i did the first show and now i'm now i'm walking into a hellfire on the second show and i'm looking at the crowd and it's fucking cowboy hats there's a woman who's asleep there are uh there are overweight people my audience is not generally overweight a lot of overweight people eating fast food you know chicken wings um yeah a lot of different races which is also not my audience fort worth baby and uh and i fucking had to work my ass off like first two jokes nothing and wow and i'm just like and i'm like oh man and here's the thing about being a stand. I've been doing this shit for 34 years.

Yeah. It still hurts. It still hurts when it's not going well. I mean, you still start to doubt at your core, whether you're funny. I mean, I wish I could finally get to the point where I could cruise through a bad set and just go, Hey, it ain't me, but it still feels personal. and just go, hey, it ain't me, but it still feels personal. Right. Well, as a performer, as a professional, which you are, you're going to try to get them no matter what. And so you pivot, you know?

No, it's actually really, really good for me. It forces me to dig in and go, all right, there's some Latino people here whose English is not their first language. I did a lot of crowd work and learned that and uh i my job is to entertain this room of people for this hour that's it it doesn't matter what my credits are or what's going on next week or whatever this is it and you're right i take it very seriously i never ever want to have a show that people leave feeling like i didn't do a good job did you scream at the latinos like what how does it not translate wife farting in bed what what are you guys not getting from that those are the simplest words you all know them right el fardo what is it exactly? I'm making the noise. I'm pulling my pants down. I'm doing whatever it takes.

Yeah. Yeah, the woman who fell asleep, I bought her a, what do you call those shots? Red something? What? Oh, what? Not the cannonball. Fireball? Fireball. I bought her a fireball and then she drank it and then 10 minutes later, she kind of sprinted out of the room. May in fact have vomited during my show, which you know.

For the record, when you ask the name of the drink, we can see that when Denman types into the Google Doc, he wrote in redheaded slut. No, he didn't. Yeah, he did. I should refer to this thing once in a while. That's a red shot. Okay. Why do I have two different Sunday papers docs open? All right. What's going on with you, my friend? We got a family trip that was delayed from June. So tomorrow we're going to Spain. It sounds crazy as I say it. I'm not packed.

We just got our assigned seats. I'm in row 38. And when I went on to see, so it was 38 G, H, and E or something. Those don't sound together. But anyway, I went on, and I can't find H. There's no H. And so I'm like, what? Because I thought about, we had a little credit because we changed the flight.

So I'm like, can I use the credit to select? I really love a window seat. Anyway, I'm like, there's not even a seat g and then it's one of those where when the back of the plane gets narrow all of a sudden there's less seats in the middle and i'm and row 38 is the last full row so seat guru or one of those nerds said a lot of people touch your seat just so you know oh yeah going going up and down because it's it's the they have to walk around this seat now you're the first seat that sticks out in the aisle so anyway i then iberia put us on level so then i'm like now i'm like a sleuth and i had to go

into level and pretend to book a flight for tomorrow to actually find seat g or h or whichever one was missing anyway maybe it's the aisle maybe they have you sitting in the aisle because it's overbooked lay out laid down in the aisle i would love that it's 12 hour flight damn so is it a red eye it is a red eye i am bringing the amount of drugs i'm bringing is uh pretty funny actually you doing ambien oh yes i'm doing ambien and maybe a xanax and then uh an advil i mean what else i mean an edible you want a little about three milligrams of an edible. Oh yeah. Yes.

And then if you want to fall asleep, just throw on the, um, the, the Will Arnett podcast. What's it called? And then we land. I don't, I haven't even looked at it. I really am treating this like I'm flying to Vegas. Like I've not packed yet. Haven't even figured out how i can pack uh everything um so wait is sophie home sophie's home but she's at her mom's but i saw her yesterday we went to olivia's soccer game so are you on the same flight as laura and george and their two daughters and your two daughters yeah they're george is in row 40 uh and laura is

sitting yeah they're not the irish the irish back in steerage they're not sitting together that's the other funny thing oh i should have done that the reason i'm in the middle is because they put the three of us together i don't need to sit next to you don't need to sit next to them now you're going to be conked out on drugs you don't want them seeing that uh they better plus every time i fall asleep on a plane i i spring an erection you don't you don't want that that's why i'm going to drug myself so that doesn't happen i remember when they were uh at one point olivia threw a tantrum she needed the window seat i'm like i'm like i need the window seat also i don't i'm not going to go to the bathroom your tiny bladders you're going to go all the time and anyway she threw this tantrum so i'm like fine take the fine yeah you're six

one also you take the window seat and sit over there so i'm in the aisle i taught them how to walk on the handrails because i'm like you are not fucking waking me up when i go to sleep it was like a trip from new york and that's what they did that's great the armrest what I say handrails armrest um well I I was talking about and I mentioned this to you yesterday but I doubt you did it but I thought it would be nice to talk about the things we're grateful for in 2023 the kind of year end all that. Maybe I'll go first and it'll spark some things for you. I went to Ireland with my family.

Yes, I'm thankful for your Irish trip. And Spain as well. I know you're thankful for it. It was amazing. My sister drove me a little bit crazy. She was a little too like, we got to do eight things today. It's like it's Ireland. You're supposed to go to a bar and then go home that's it uh but she ended up shut i was glad because in the end she ended up

making me uh climb up the cliffs of moore and uh we saw a castle and we did a bunch of cool shit i should call her tonight about my trip and then we went to spain and a lot of topless women on the beach which is awkward when you're with your kids but with some mirrored sunglasses it can be done tapas woman like they're serving tapas yeah they were tapas wait did you go to barcelona no we went to mallorca the island of mallorca oh that's right i heard about right but you have been i need to get advice on Barcelona. Barcelona. I have tons of advice.

You want to stay, the Latin quarter to me is the best part. You go down there and they've got cobblestone streets that wind through little alleyways and farmer's markets and you get yourself some Cortados. Obviously the, uh, familiar, sangra, whatever the, whatever the, uh uh gaudy um cathedral is

what's it called this sounds tight laura's in charge of barcelona so she has everything uh i i was in charge of madrid i kind of have a i have a good good take on Madrid okay I'll also get notes my sister left us in Ireland and went to Barcelona so I'm sure she's got like 10 pages of shit

to go see oh yeah please yeah right right exactly yeah she's the the drill sergeant get her

please I'm grateful for the new special I taped that I'm really happy I taped two specials this year the first one got trashed the second one went really well will be coming out probably in March.

I did a movie called Road Dog with Doug Stanhope that won some awards at some festivals. When can we see that? You can see it right now. Go on any streaming site. You can get it. I shot 22 episodes of a game show on the Game Show Network. Cannot remember the title of it.'s how uh how much i remember it how many episodes 22 jeez and then i did my thousandth

episode of my podcast my son graduated college i brought my daughter to bars all year and taught her how to shoot bar pool. Wow. And most importantly, I didn't have any big deaths in my life. There's nobody that died that threw me for a loop. I mean, there were some that I was sad about, but I didn't lose anybody's significance. Yeah. That's number one for me, I guess. Weird it was your last one. That's number one for me, I guess. Weird. It was your last one.

Uh, that's number one for me. And then, no, you're right. I haven't given this thought at all. Um, I could do it next year and I'll remember I'll do it for two years. Okay. Does that sound good? Yes. Here's the other thing, folks, you've been so good to us in the past. We need your talent and your time for new songs and new logos for the new year. Now, the songs, again, it's amazing. Some of the people that do it are literally recording artists and engineers and musicians that send us like multi-track amazing stuff. Other people pull out an acoustic guitar in their mom's basement and they bang out something that we absolutely love.

So whatever it is, keep it to 20 or 30 seconds. And also logos, you know, hand-drawn, computer rendered, whatever it is. We need some new logos. It's always fun when it's topical, if you do something that's going on that week. But if not, any classic logo will work. Send them all to FitzDogRadio at gmail.com or just go to the FitzDog website and you can get a link there to send us stuff.

Look how Christmassy the logo is this year. I love it. Isn't it great? And look, Gubbins is in there. Gubbins is in there. It's from Matt A. And I love the colors uh i hate that i'm the grinch and you get to be a little i'm cindy lou who cindy lou who

are you kidding me uh you know i have not watched have you watched okay so people right now are listening to this on christmas eve Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas, everybody. But we're recording this on Saturday, right? A week earlier. Oh, no, no, no, no. People are listening to this on the 17th. Oh, no, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Yesterday's

that we recorded is for Christmas Eve. Right, I'm sorry. Okay, so, all right, you guys are all in the same boat. We have a week to go. Is anyone feeling like, it felt really early at one point like oh my god are people really putting up the trees like it's not even halloween and i see christmas stuff and then what happens is i poo poo that next thing i know it's christmas week and you have not done your cards and you've not bought any right and not only that i got aaron's birthday is december 23rd so i gotta come up with like double the gift shame on her

no but like i just see that grinch logo like i haven't watched a single christmas thing yet you know it hasn't even been on in the background i've done music i have done that i know i came over your house to sign those uh koozies and you were uh listening to some kind of christmas channel it was very nice absolutely yeah yeah i have just you know siri put on whatever but um and listen the koozies are out uh i know i'm all over the place what i was what i was building up to is i'm gonna read as promised i forgot to follow up on this but tom shales reviews of kathy lee gifford's christmas special well wait first of all not too late to get the

koozies we just got a new shipment yeah uh we're going we're coming up on our third order of them they're going fast people have great feedback from people i should have collected a bunch of emails from people that love the koozie but uh oh wow or no or those some of the negative ones go to fitzdog.com and there's instructions there on how to get on um venmo send the money to mike and get them get them out to you uh yeah and i think we're we were caught up so a lot of people who wrote uh we sold out. We went in order of when people paid us and contacted us. So if you were like November 18th, 19th, although that sounds early, we had already sold out. So I think now, but listen, we'll make everything whole. Just write us if you have not received your koozie.

hole just write us if you have not received your koozie i think it's safe to write us about now um because i think they would have gotten i think everybody's got them now like i i have not gotten any notifications from people at this point i think everybody got them um who who ordered them before then but we'll make good on it for sure so thank you guys for supporting us that way that's uh that was great really really good numbers yeah also before you get into this i wanted to say uh with thank you to chris denman who hooked us up with some sweet new mics from yes heil and these things i'm telling you i listened back to it it is like 30 better than it was before um these are beautiful mics and thank you we got a lot of feedback uh tom said volume is much better had to max out my volume for every episode before this one uh i had i had it about 80 which is normal so anyway uh trevor dominic says the sound is much better uh the new mix is better

mike and you are finally high enough send chris my thanks after he gets back from the maga rally yes kev bomb oh my god clear sound improvement tom schweda thanks for turning it up. So on and on, we got tons of them. So we're glad that the quality is better. Perfect. I like it. All right, so you want to read your little thing? Maybe we're not going to pop our peas as much. I'm trying to talk by the mic.

Mic technique. Yeah. Also, before you read it, should we talk about the party we went to last week? Billionaire party, horrible. Can we talk about the party we went to last week? Billionaire party. Horrible. Can we say who the billionaire was? Maybe we shouldn't.

It doesn't make us look good. All right. Let's just say he's a right wing billionaire. And we went to his house just to see the spectacle of it. Between six and nine billion. Significant billionaire. Yeah. Not just one billion yeah and uh we went with tom o'neill uh who's a writer of chaos this guy's a big fan of tom's and so he's gotten to i actually met him before you we both met him once before and yeah

he threw he threw a book party for tom like most billionaires he's firmly on the spectrum the spectrum. And he came out at one point just in a t-shirt, and I saw him talking to someone in the hall. It was kind of like, oh, is there a giant party here with about 2,000 people? Yeah. Oh, I forgot. And you walk in, and there's two different mushroom bars to get your magic mushrooms.

So I hit each one of them. That was a high point, for sure. No pun intended. And then I hit the marijuana bar and then you guys were drinking cocktails. There's fire throwers. There's like Polynesian bongo drum circle. There's a DJ with Dumb and Dumber playing on a big screen tv behind them

another there there was a tattoo tent where people like four at a time were getting actual tattoos not hannah real tattoos there was we got our auras remember we had our auras read in a little uh a hut yeah they take like a polaroid but it has it is uh imbued with your aura and so she reads the colors and i was like blue which you said i was sensitive you were red yeah you were red which meant that you're irish tom was like eight different colors it looked like a fucking explosion which meant he's very mentally unstable yeah and uh what were you i was light blue sensitive sensitive yeah they spun mine to say i'm in a creative stage and i should act now or whatever i'm like it looks like my aura is raging yeah um and then we went downstairs and there was a wine cellar with like expensive wine being poured there was a dessert room there was a comedy show i went to a stand-up comedy show who was the guy oh man he's great. Um, and he was really funny about, uh, Oh, what is his name? I'll get it in

a minute. Um, and he's a Latino guy with like wild hair, kind of like Jack black energy. He does a Jack. He actually did a Jack black impression at one point. And he, uh, is like, all right guys, I'm not used to, he's like like i normally play holiday inns and uh and no no chris is now guessing no wild hair like crazy wild hair um he was on a cbs show or some show also but uh i'll get it anyway he he was really funny and then, so this is the best part. He's about to do one of his normal bits and he starts and he stops and he goes, oh, okay, wait, hold on. Genuine question. This next bit and everyone in the audience looks like billionaires.

It was the worst crowd ever at this party. They're all, even in Christmas, like ridiculous loafers with no socks but they're nerds and a lot of them look like they hired like a a designer that week to be like how make me how do i look casual like can you make me look casual and it was like the tightest blazers not because they're fat just because it was they were cocky they were cocky geeks oh it was terrible and uh no dustin it's dustin something chris uh anyway he and by the way he's the only billionaire who doesn't like like call willamina if that's even still in existence or a modeling agency and he's like hey 500 bucks a girl just sprinkle my party with crazy good-looking people.

Right. Did not do that. The staff were gorgeous. All the waiters and waitresses were gorgeous. I don't think we saw one good-looking woman at a billionaire's giant party. Well, we should mention he's gay. Can you mention that?

Yes, Dustin Ybarra, Y-B-a-r-r-a very funny anyway so he looks out and he stops himself and he goes all right wait hold on and he's laughing because he's realizing he's like so hold on this whole next bit i just realized is about coupons. Do you guys know what coupons are? And then he explained what a coupon is to these rich people. That's great. And then he did his bet. That's great. Speaking of holiday gifts,

I am shouting out to you guys to put me over the top. Right now on Instagram, I have 99,900 followers. And by the end of 2023, I would love to be at 100,000. So if you would just pause the show right now, open up your Facebook or your Instagram and throw me a follow. Oh, wait, no, I'm at 98.9. So I need just 100, what?

100,000 or whatever, 1,000 more. Get me over the top, people. I'd appreciate it. I have such a more modest ask. If I get 95 more followers i'll be uh 85 i'll be over 3 500 followers how about that wow how about that i'm gonna start getting free rooms and all that stuff all right let's read it okay here we go this is all right so you guys know, you need the context here. Tom Shales, it was considered, I think it's safe to say, the foremost and the best television reviewer in the country.

He won the Pulitzer Prize. Incredibly great writer. Worked for the Washington Post. So this was not like a blogger. This was not insignificant. This was heavy stuff in a very, very sober newspaper of record. And he would review Kathie Lee Gifford's Christmas specials. And I'll just read you some of the highlights. And I didn't even find all of them. I only found three of them. So this december 20th 1995 his opening line is

give her enough tinsel and she'll hang herself and she does um he then rails into her like i'm only reading a couple of choice lines but it the gas that gas here is kathy lee gifford, Home for Christmas. Kathy Lee Gifford's second annual CBS Christmas special is perhaps even worse than her first. A sickeningly saccharine vanity production

that should really have been titled Oh, Come Let Us Adore Me. That ghastly Gifford grin, ear to ear and back again, seems steeped in self-esteem and almost blinding in its showbiz phoniness. Anyway, he goes, at one point, that's not all she flaunts. Hapless husband Frank Gifford, the aging ABC sportscaster, is dragged before the cameras, as are the couple's mercilessly exploited children,

Cody and Cassidy, for whom one feels the deepest sympathies. And then this line, imagine the therapist bills those kids will tally up in the years ahead. Oh my God. Wow. On her Christmas special, Gifford is not only overreaching, she's over-screeching.

It's the kind of voice that should be recording Muzak tunes for elevators and doctor's waiting rooms. The poor director, meanwhile, must have been instructed to make sure not more than 30 seconds went by without a shot of Kathie Lee, because she's all over this show like a bad toupee. Wow. Hold on. For some reason, Gifford repeatedly calls her husband by his first and last name, as in, don't go, Frank Gifford.

Bah, humbug, Frank Gifford. And how about you, Frank Gifford? Do you have a favorite Christmas story? Either she's afraid that we will forget his name or afraid that she will. I hope this guy never reviews our podcast. The special is not a treat for the whole family unless you're talking only about Gifford's family. For them, treat. For others, the equivalent of what commies might have used to torture political prisoners.

You almost hear, you can almost hear the poor souls crying out, no, no, anything but that. That was all in one review. Do you think she has read these? Oh, absolutely. Are you kidding me? Yeah. They went, in that, whatever the viral was back then,

they went viral. Like people, there weren't even, I don't think there was really email yet, but people talked about it. It made like news people covered it. Okay. Two years later, December 12th, 1997. Opening line. Kathy Lee Gifford sings songs like she's mad at them. What did they ever do to her?

Maybe she was frightened by a song as a child and by Christmas, too, because each year on television, she reeks a bit more revenge. In the Washington Post. It's unbelievable. Okay, here's another one. And then he talks about her guests. First up, Kenny Rogers, looking as though he were miffed at being awakened from a nap in his dressing room. At one point he goes, wow, it kind of makes you feel warm inside the way barium does. Okay, here's December 14th. This is the last one december 14th 1998 opening line what's the difference between the 24-hour flu and a kathy lee gifford christmas special 23 hours

the actual title for this year's exercise in false piety, fake sentiment and aerobic grinning was Kathy Lee Gifford Christmas every day. An appalling prospect. Any way you look at it, this is the kind of television to be watched, not from the couch as it were, but while peering out from behind it and using it as a shield, as if perhaps an air raid or some other sort of massive bombing were in progress. I mean, it's like it's personal.

And then Gifford's husband, Frank, rolled out onto the stage in his usual quasi mummified state, was videotaped in a hotel room with a 46 year old former flight attendant in 1997. He sported a sappy sheepishness ever since. Now we are to believe Frank's been forgiven and the marriage is stronger than ever, or at least Kathy Lee is stronger than ever. She looks like she could bench press a horse. The woman is tough.

The woman's got grit. When Kathie Lee attacks a song, she takes no prisoners and the victims always left lying lifeless on the stage. OK, here's the last part of this review. Gifford tenses all her muscles to sing. It seems as if her whole body is grimacing. And so one wonders, if it hurts her so much, why does she do it? It's not as if we couldn't live without it. After she sang Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,

the same song popped up in a commercial for Glade air freshener, except Glade's version was more emotionally affecting. Where, oh where, is a cable outage when you really need one? Please, this is his last line, please, one might have prayed, in the name of all that's holy, let it stop, let it stop, let it stop. He doesn't want it to stop. Are you me oh my god he loves it he loves it those are the best oh i want to see him by the way when you said like everybody talked

about it and it spread around i immediately thought about how did it work back then before email and the internet like if something spread was it just phone calls and letter writing like how did you tell people holy shit you missed the kathy lee thing now how do you see it it's gone it only aired that one time no it really is wild i think you know what believe it or not i think morning djs had a lot to do with the gossip oh yeah howard stern used to play that stuff oh yeah no he he played and kathy lee would go on his show and then he couldn't get enough when frank cheated howard couldn't get enough of it yeah um so you would i think they would they would play the audio they would play clips like from

the special and they themselves would tear it apart and i'm sure morning djs read these reviews were famous so um i'm sure they you know a newscast, local news and stuff would do it. And morning DJs. But I remember when South Park came out, and this must have been around 90, when it was a video before it was a TV show. Oh, yeah. I'm guessing it was in the range of 1996. I remember being on a bus.

My friend Jared Wilson, he rented a bus and we drove to Bensonhurst in Brooklyn to look at the Christmas decorations because it's all Italians and they go berserk. And there was a VCR and a TV on the bus and we watched what was, what would have been a viral internet video that Trey and Matt made. And we were fucking blown away. And then you started to talk to people. Only certain people had seen it. And it took a year for the general population to have seen it. And then at that point, that's when Comedy Central made it a show.

Yeah. And like the jerky boys, audio tapes were all passed around. I mean, that's viral was a physical thing that it was a practical item. Right. And I remember maybe it was Ted physical thing then. It was a practical item. Right. And I remember, maybe it was Ted Fine's wedding in Boston, but I was working at MTV at the time.

And all of a sudden, someone put a VHS tape in and goes, have you seen the new episode of Beavis and Butthead? Which part of it was made on the same floor as MTV News, where I was. And I'm like, what? And it was the Cornholio episode. Well, I immediately made a copy. I brought it up to Boston. And I think I ruined Ted Fine's wedding because the entire time all of us were like, are you threatening me?

I need TP for my butt. I am Don Holio. I have PP in my butthole. Cornholio. Yeah, I need TP for my butthole. And we did that literally. I mean, I was the Julio. I have pee pee in my butthole. Corn Julio. I need, yeah, I need teepee from my bunghole. And that's, we did that literally. I mean,

I was the best man, but like on the line of God, like we were all in our suits just quoting Beavis. It was, I remember that. I remember that. Yeah. It was unbelievable.

I don't know you were Ted's best man. Yeah. No shit. I know. I, you know, I think back best man. Yeah. No shit. I know. I, you know, I, I think back on it. I wish I could do it again because I didn't realize there were certain responsibilities of like thanking, you know, or you should anyway, you know, thank, I just was very, you know, said words about Ted, you know, Michelle,

but, uh, I, I, uh, I don't know. I don't know how I did did i don't really remember it yeah that was early dude that was like a year or two out of college yeah that was soon after um all right we want to thank michael bo burnett uh did this week's song a little techno gem very cool and corrections we had a ron dvor dvorak said the first part of nixon's wikipedia page i i said that nixon was not poor growing up because that's the whole mythology he said the first part of nixon's wikipedia page says he was born into a poor family of quakers however the early life and education section says he was born in a poor family of quakers however the early life and education section says he was born in a house built by his father located on his family's lemon ranch the ranch failed but

his dad was able to open a grocery store and a gas station a homeowner and struggling business owner is not poor renters who work for business owners are poor all All right, so I guess he was middle class. Speaking of calling people, or if they self-label as poor and all that, Norm MacDonald, we did a show, and I want to keep this super vague, but one of the other EPs, at one point some heated discussion came up,

and he's like, I didn't grow up rich. And we're like, what? Because the guy went to boarding school, so we're like, what? And he's like uh i didn't grow up rich and we're like what because the guy went to boarding school so we're like we're like what and he's like i didn't grow up he's like i grow up poor and norm was like you didn't grow up poor and the guy goes uh my father went bankrupt twice and norm just goes poor people don't go bankrupt just screamed at him did you see poor people don't go bankrupt did you see the david beckham documentary uh yeah oh right with how she got to school how she got to school she's like we she's talking to the camera he's like he's like he's like hanging outside the room and she's like

we both grew up working class you know poor and he walks in he goes hold on hold on hold on he goes how did what car did your daddy drive you to school in and she's like no but that doesn't matter he goes what car did your daddy drive you to school and she goes well it's complicated what car he fucking laid into her and she goes it wass Royce. But we were working class. Yeah. Mike, this is Nevada Smith, says, Mike Gibbons mistakenly said that Joaquin Phoenix played Caesar in the movie Gladiator. The movie takes place around 180 AD

and Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC. Joaquin played Commodus, the Roman emperor that ruled from 177 to 192 AD. All right, all right. I have a question without Googling it. Isn't Caesar the name used for the emperor when they say hail Caesar? I'm probably wrong.

There was two Caesars. There was Caesar Augustus and there was the original Caesar. One was like New Coke and it was his nephew and he took over for him afterwards. Okay. There you go. Dictionary.

Caesar, a title used by Roman emperors especially those from Augustus to Hadrian so I don't know if that includes Commodus but Caesar is a title I understand there's also a dude I understand there's also a dude. The change from being a surname to a title used by the Roman emperors can be traced to 68 AD.

Well, right here it says, Mike Denman says, in 166, Commodus was made Caesar together with his younger brother, Marcus Aeneas. So one guy's name is Commode and the other is Anus. What's up with this family? A lot of butt play. This one comes from Susan Bay. Meanwhile, women are like, are you guys talking about the roman empire again yeah uh susan bay says the gospels in the new testament were not written 200 years after the death of jesus the gospel believed by scholars to be the most likely written first

is mark it is believed to have been written around the year 65 to 70 after he died. If Jesus died in CE 33, that means it was written roughly 30 to 35 years after his death. All right, maybe that one, but most of the other books were written several hundred years after his death. And I'm not even sure about this one, but listen, I'm believing a source I had, so who knows? Who knows? But it wasn't at all during his lifetime. Speaking of dates, I will be in Milwaukee at the Improv December 29th through 31st. Make your New Year's Eve plans.

The Den Theater in Chicago, January 13th. That's going to sell out. Get your tickets. Atlanta Punchline, January 18th through 20th. Also coming to portland oregon la jolla in san diego and tampa all tickets at fitsdog.com i also want to talk about ticket buying mike take it over come on man it's called game time already you go on there all right i'm gonna do right now los angeles discover already, Netflix is a joke comedy festival.

It's in May. They already have stuff listed. You just find out what's going on. Columbia at Mexico is today at 3.30. You want to go for 37 bucks, see a little football? We have the Commanders at the Rams tomorrow. Only 58 bucks, and it's going to go down. That's the thing with this.

It's game time. You can do it last-minute. Last-minute tickets. There's flash deals, zone deals. You can easily find your tickets of every kind, and you get a view from your seat at the venue, plus the lowest price guarantee. You get event cancellation, job loss protection.

So it's the only ticketing app that gives you complete peace of mind with your purchase. You can buy set tickets. Dallas, in Dallas, you can go see Nicki Minaj tonight for $76. That seems like a pretty square deal. And it's going to go down. Yeah, it's going to go down. And they're obsessed with finding ways to help you save money

right up to the start of the event and even an hour after it starts, which is like I like to roll. I'm not going to see the warm-up band. So you find the exclusive flash deals. Game time guarantee means you'll always get the best price. If you find tickets in the same section and row for less, game time will credit you 110% of the difference. So take the guesswork out of buying tickets with game time will credit you 110 of the difference so take the guesswork out of buying tickets with game time download the game time app create an account and use code papers for 20 off your first purchase terms apply again create an account and redeem code p a p e r s for 20 off

download game time today. Last minute tickets. Lowest price. Guaranteed. Guaranteed. Also, we are supported by Omaha Steaks. Love them. Which, I mean, I'm telling you, during the holidays, this is the time where you want to take,

take the time away from shopping at the store and spend it with your family who you love. Or maybe you don't. Maybe you'd rather duck out to Ralph's and pick up a couple steaks. But they're not going to be the same quality as you get from Omaha. So much more than steaks. More than steaks. You can pick yourself up.

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That's the best way to barbecue a steak. There is a theory that grilling, well, you would use your cast iron pan, but from frozen, all these nerds in their food labs have done the test, and that is the thinnest amount of the well done when you're searing it. It doesn't go that deep because it's frozen. Anyway, look it up. I'm not making this up.

Visit Omaha Steaks. Visit OmahaSteaks.com. Take advantage of 50% off site-wide, plus use promo code PAPERS at checkout to get that extra 30 off your order minimum order may be required uh so you know just just don't this is crazy visit my freezer for a long time and yeah they were like apple tarts and i was like a sweet tooth and i had nothing in the house i'm like oh man oh man, I got the Omaha Steaks desserts in there

I forgot about. Amazing. All right, let's get to the front page, Mike. We are 47 minutes into the podcast and we have yet to read a news story. Let's get to Rudy Giuliani. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! this story made me laugh Rudy Giuliani so he lost he lost in court he's ordered to pay 148 million

to the two Georgia election workers for defamation did you ever see these poor women interviewed oh they're devastated the death death threats. Mother and daughter, constant death threats and being yelled at and everything. Anyway, Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City mayor, already had been held liable for defaming two Georgia election workers

before the civil trial began in Washington, D.C. Giuliani made the defamatory statements about Ruby Freeman and Wondrea Shea Moss as part of a series of false claims that donald trump lost the 2020 election all right anyway there's a lot of ballot fraud yeah a lot of details here but the best was so what was going on this week was his lawyer is doing the best he can to defend him and then giuliani would give interviews where he would slander them again.

Yeah. Right. While in court, he's saying the exact opposite, like that. He did not defame them. Yeah. His.

So anyway, his lawyer at one point said the women had been through enough. His lawyer told the court, he isn't able to explain why his client was making claims out of the court that go against what he's arguing in the courthouse um giuliani was quoted this week everything i said about them is true they were engaged in changing the votes he just won't stop when he was told there was no proof whatsoever of that he insisted insisted, you're damn right there is. Stay tuned.

So later, as a lawyer attempted to suggest, truly, he gave up and he suggested that he should not be judged too harshly and that his behavior is the result of being an old man. He's almost 80. And this has taken a bit of a toll on him. Good. So he doesn't need the5 million anymore 148 million this is truly his 9-11 except he loved 9-11 it made him it gave it made him him and osama bin lad with the big winners on 9-11 uh he by the way by the way, where is he going to get $148 million? You know, if only he had sold his soul to a billionaire who owed him something big. Well, also if only he worked as a lawyer for

someone who paid his bills, right. He'd have a lot, he'd have a lot more money. Yeah. But I don't think that's happening. A four month old baby has been found alive by the grace of God, his parents said, after the child was sucked up into a tornado in Tennessee. Here's what I love. These people who say that God saved their kid, he also sucked it up and fucking threw it into a tree. The couple said the daily tornado on Saturday tore apart their mobile home,

picked up a bassinet with the baby still in it. He survived and was discovered in a fallen tree in the pouring rain. Thanks, God. The baby, his one-year-old brother and parents only suffered from minor cuts and bruises. Their roof was torn off. The tip of the tornado came in,

and he was the first thing to go up. I was pretty sure he was dead, and we weren't going to find him, but he's here by the grace of God. Yeah, he was. Is it grace? Right. By the way, baby's name is Lord.

And he really is like the Lord. He ascended into heaven. He was wearing a one-piece bodysuit, very much like Jesus Christ. Meanwhile, sadly, this is the exact same story that Tennessee women use when they're forced to go out of state for an abortion. Right.

A twister came. Twister came and took the infant away. Took the little fetus right out of my body. Yeah. Threw him on a tree. I'll check the trees. I mean, it's very small. All right.

What's this about a blood test? Oh, I love this. A revolutionary blood test can detect suicidal thoughts. The new study highlights the significant physical dimensions of depression, specifically in cellular metabolism. Researchers are now focusing on markers of cellular metabolism as key indicators in studying mental illness, aiming to refine diagnostic and treatment approaches. So they're really excited that your blood panel can be tested to see if you have suicidal thoughts or you could just ask them right yeah the other way to detect

if someone's depressed just are they sitting in the prone position, unshowered, and talking about how Ellen's TV show saved their life? Suicidal. Is there also a new revolutionary blood test that can tell if you hate your job? Yeah. What other blood tests? What else can they tell us that's already so obvious? By the way, imagine the waiting room for that test study.

Just a lot of lively conversation. Now, this would be an impressive blood test to me if it could like test that, oh, you're predisposed to feeling suicidal, even if you're not feeling it yet. Like, OK, that's interesting. I don't know if I want to know that. But this is like my depression is so severe severe it's affecting me on a molecular level i don't think you need the blood test to say that uh i'll probably tell you that yeah you'd know that pretty fast yeah um a florida mother of five oh this could have gone into florida man but i didn't uh a florida mother of five who received donations after a burglar supposedly

stole her children's christmas gifts was outed as a liar and taken into custody with the grinch dancing along to her arrest shana hudson broke broke the hearts of her kind neighbors when she appeared on tv weeks ago to share her story of how a burglar broke in and made off with the children's gifts. Community rallied, donated, and then she was busted for making it all up. She was arrested for making a false report to the police. The gifts were found. And so this NBC decided, their news decided to teach her a lesson. So they sent this Grinch who sang. He danced along next to her while she was getting arrested going,

Ring, ring, hey Shana, Whoville called, they want their Grinch back. And so I guess the news van was in cahoots with the uh police to do a little shaming campaign later on they picked up a child molester accompanied by a michael jackson impersonator singing i'm bad i'm bad um what's good so they found this bitch she hid i'm surprised she even got them gifts i thought it would be be like, I'm not buying them gifts. So they've all been taken. Now I want everybody else to buy them gifts. But she hid them at a neighbor or a relative's house, I guess.

Anyway, but she, wait, what was one of the details here? The stolen gifts were eventually found uh so the sheriff's department decided oh sorry the way you put the story in here was a little confusing anyway in hearing the news oj simpson stopped his search for the burglars he did yeah he was out there yeah because oj i mean if nothing else the guy's a good Samaritan. Yes, he is. And he does not rely just on the police to do police work. Right.

He's out there looking for the killers of Nicole. Still no leads. There's no leads. I mean, he's been on it a long time. And then this one derailed his search for Nicole's killers because he had to help this poor woman and her children. And when I'm looking for killers, first place I go, golf course. I would search every golf course in Florida if I was him.

A North Carolina mother proved that a high school teacher was having a sexual relationship with her son when she came upon the teacher and the student having intercourse in a parked car that sounds weird intercourse like not sex but specifically he was inside of her well i think that is important because so my kids now know, hooking up doesn't mean intercourse. Right. So it's like, Oh, Oh, Oh. And then she went out and hooked up with them. I'm like, what? They're like, no, no, that means made out. I'm like, wait, wait a minute. What are you talking about? So I think there's all types of sex also. And I think this is, you know, listen, it's a home run.

So I think it's worth detailing well you know back in the old days making love meant courting or you know trying to trying to get somebody to like you was called making love i did not know that yep uh gabrielle cartel new fell 26 who is believed to have worked as a science teacher okay so maybe so maybe it was sex ed for 12th grade. And I, through 12th graders at the high school, was charged with five counts of felony sexual activity. The mother, I guess, checked the Life360 app and was able to track the kid down.

Noticed that he was not at rugby practice. It says that she was engaged in sex with a student. Through a different scrum. At least five times, but fewer than a hundred times. If she banged the teenager less than a hundred times, they must not have been seeing each other for longer than a week because those kids can fuck. The mom is such a cock blocker.

This poor kid. I know. I know. And I think she believed in the past that he had been at rugby practice because he came home drenched in sweat and smelling like ass. And his ears were all chewed up from being between thighs, rubbing back and forth. You're right.

In her scrum. And he was exhausted. She's 26 years old. Yeah, that's pretty hot. And I saw pictures of her and yeah, the mom, I don't think it's going to be a good Christmas in that house. All right, so we've gone from Florida to North Carolina. Now let's take it to Louisiana, where a woman with three husbands who practices Vikingism allegedly held a fourth partner captive as a sex slave, forcing her to denounce Christianity

and offer a puppy as a ritual sacrifice to the gods. puppy as a ritual sacrifice to the gods hannah frisbee i mean the 29 year old leader of the west monroe cult was arrested on friday is it a cult if there's just three of you that's precocious 29 year old leader of a cult the sixth sect practiced satanism witchcraft, and Vikingism, the worship of the Norse pantheon, and ritualistically sacrificed a puppy. I bet they loved Hager the Horrible, the comic strip. Yeah. The victim, who suffers from autism and ADHD... Who, the puppy?

...was engaged in polyamorous... All puppies have ADHD. Yeah....was engaged in polyamorous. All puppies have ADHD. Was engaged in polyamorous relationship with Hannah Frisbee and the three men. Frisbee told her that she lived with him because she doesn't do long distance. Frisbee alleged placed a puppy on a table for the victim and held a large knife to the dog's chest and told her it was a sacrifice to the gods. It's not clear if the puppy was actually killed huh i i doubt it because uh i doubt she finished because she had adhd she probably got distracted by a tiktok video or a squirrel on the fence outside all right there is

so much here first of all this frisbee woman doesn't do long distance relationships. Is that because she likes to keep it traditional and very straightforward with the three husbands? Yeah. Like, what? My husband brings home the bacon. Oh, yeah? Mine brings home autistic ADHD women. Also, Hannah Frisbee is a leader of a cult,

and it's not called Ultimate Frisbee. Oh. She really dropped the ball there. Yeah, she's not branding well. She's not branding. No, it's right in front of her Viking face. Hey, listen, speaking of in front of your face, give yourself the gift of insane savings this holiday season

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Here we go. Okay. Nope Entertainment. Maybe it's local entertainment for us. We're in Hollywood, man. This story is called Cruising for a Bruising. The ex-husband of the socialite who is reportedly romancing Tom Cruise is warning the Top Gun star to keep his wallet wide open. Irrespective of whoever she's with, Tom Cruise, quote,

Tom Cruise or anybody else, they should be aware that she likes the finer things in life and has expensive and luxurious tastes. Russian oligarch Dmitry Tetskov told the Daily Mail of his ex-wife Elsina Kirova. Tom should keep his eyes and wallet wide open. Wow. That's a nice warning, actually. He also added, and this is not a joke, that he's happy for her and he would wish her all the best. Would wish her? Well, why doesn't he?

The tycoon who made his fortune in diamonds and mining said his three-year divorce cost him nearly $200 million. What does three-year divorce cost him nearly 200 million dollars what does three-year divorce mean does do they mean his three-year marriage yeah it must have been a three-year marriage and he owns a diamond mine like how much did she need right oh i want to find out more about her well here's the thing once tom Tom gets her into Scientology, she will cost him a lot less money. The floors will shine from her scrubbing them with a toothbrush. The Scientologists will have that $200 million

by the end of the month, or as they say it in Scientology, before Lactagon passes the third dimension and embeds itself in the fourth ring of Saturn. The fourth ring of Saturn. The fourth ring of Saturn. All right. Well, I want to find out about this relationship because it's interesting on both sides.

I'm always interested in Tom's relationships. Yeah. Here, Cher invites the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to go you-know-what yourself. Yeah, we do. While visiting the Kelly Clarkson Show on December 15th, the goddess of pop, is that really what we're calling her? Brought up how she and the Rolling Stones are the only artists

to ever have number one songs span across seven decades on the charts. Damn. That's amazing. She then added it to 50, 60, 70s, 80s, 90s,

and the 2000s. So they could. Yeah. Wow. That's amazing. She said it took four of them to be one of me. Really? Like one of you who doesn't write your own songs one of you who was

made famous because you were I think really good-looking at the time and picked out by a guy and got a TV show with him and married him and auto-tunes your songs now why is she comparing herself to like unbelievably impactful musicians first of all i could name a song from each of those decades for the stones i can only name do you believe in life after love is that even i couldn't even name that what's the one where she's dressed like a whore on a on a navy ship uh was she in the village people if you're not back i don't know if i'm not getting back time yeah turn back time and then she had the one where she's an indian turn back time sounds like the shitty aerosmith songs that were just like ai could make a million of those right now. They're written by professional songwriters and it's like working backwards from, Hey, we brought you a hit. Here it is.

You just have to sing it. Uh, let's see if we can each name, uh, a Rolling Stones song from each decade. That was a number one song. i would say satisfaction in the 60s was number one okay i mean there was a million mother's little helper uh painted black you know there was that all the hot rock stuff but these are number one uh in the 70s a number one song would have been i mean come on it's. It's all those. My favorite three albums are 69, 70, 71, Beggar's Banquet, Let It Bleed. Exile on Main Street. Sticky Fingers.

Then, of course, Exile on Main Street. Why don't you just say Sympathy for the Devil to keep it simple? All right. And then in the 80s, you had the Some Girls album. So Miss You and Some Girls were both uh beast of burden might have been number one where was start me up you're thinking 90s that was no start me up oh that might have been 90s start me up is the 80s okay so what would the 90s be 90s would be um gets a little trickier now uh 90s would be undercover of the undercover yeah without crazy drum riff right i don't know yeah you lose me after the 80s i think

um let's make america florida here we go pal Florida. Here we go, pal. And sorry to all the gays who I just offended by knocking your icon, but honestly, she should not. Who, Mick Jagger? And now, by the way, no, and now she says she does not give a shit

and asks, why would I at this point about being inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame you know what i wouldn't be in it now if they gave me a million dollars i bet you would i bet you would okay maybe america florida so this is the funny thing about this one i saw a headline on a like news aggregating site it was just a headline and the only thing it said was man man poisoned nephew's meatball sandwich and i'm like that sounds like florida and so i click on it and i was right after purchasing a meatball sandwich for his nephew a florida man poured visine all over the food which was later partially consumed

by his relative, according to the police who arrested the man on a felony poisoning charge. Investigators say James Leach, 45, was at a market near his Pinellas Park home and he asked the employee for a bottle of Visine due to having dry

eyes. Upon securing the Visine, Leach allegedly opened a container of food and proceeded to pour the eye drop solution all over the meatball sandwich. When the worker declared that the liquid could hurt someone, Leach reportedly replied that it would only cause the victim to shit himself and puke his brains out. That's a quote. Visine's active ingredient, which I can't pronounce, can actually be lethal if ingested. Well, since when are cashiers of store 24 also chemists?

What does this guy know? Yeah, exactly. I remember when I was a kid, you know, when I started getting high at 13 i always had a denim jacket i had a levi's denim jacket with jim morrison stenciled on the back and i always had my vising and my bubble yum in the chest pocket for right before i got home you put the vising on the bubble yum that's right throw up get out of family dinner i didn't know it could be lethal, although we did a Visine story recently. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. But I'm going to guess this meatball sandwich at this market in Pinellas might have been lethal enough. It's probably one of those 7-Eleven sandwiches. This is a new one. I like this new category making washington dc florida well i just saw this story and it sounded so florida an 85 year old man in washington dc was arrested for allegedly stabbing his 81 i don't mean to

laugh his 81 year old wife to death after he refused to eat the pancakes she made. What? Stephen Schwartz is accused of fatally stabbing his wife at their home Sunday. He, quote, did not want to eat the pancakes she made and stabbed her in the back. On Sunday, police responded to their home after receiving a report of a stabbing. When the officers arrived, they found 81-year-old Sharon Schwartz inside their apartment suffering from stab wounds. Police also found 85-year-old Stephen Schwartz with self-inflicted injuries and a full plate of pancakes. I added that part. Was he molested at an IHOP as a child?

Like what happened? What would make you snap over pancakes? I saw you putting vising on it bitch That's it I mean I've been stabbed in the back But it wasn't after someone made me pancakes It was after I worked on the Ellen DeGeneres show Can you tell our NDAs have expired

by the way, folks? Yeah. I mean, was she super pissed he wasn't eating them? I think they're leaving that part out. Like, he didn't want to eat them. So, maybe she dug in. Maybe it's her 40th meal in a row

of just pancakes and they're in a real standoff. Honey, big surprise, breakfast for dinner. Not again, bitch! A congressional staffer filmed a gay porn video in a Senate hearing room, according to footage leaked to the Daily Caller. In the footage, a nude man can be seen engaging in anal sex before the cameraman shows that the act is taking place in a Senate hearing room. It appears to be unprotected sex. Well, sounds like congressional AIDS. to be unprotected sex well sounds like congressional aids the video was reportedly shared in a private group for gay men in politics while the report stated it could not confirm the

identities of either man rogers went on to retweet several posts identifying one of the men as aiden mays seropsky a staffer for 80-year-old Senator Ben Cardin. That same staffer was also identified as the man who shouted, free Palestine at him on Wednesday in the Cannon House office building. New kind of pro-Palestine. Instead of throwing rocks, he's throwing loads. Hey now. And George Santos has never tried harder to get back into politics after reading this story.

Yay. Why did Santos just claim credit for it? Why not? Yeah, that was me. I have not heard about an ass fucking in Congress that hard since McCarthy got ousted. heard about an ass fucking in congress that hard since mccarthy got ousted uh we are down to it's sad but we were down to the obituary here they come it's just one oh no it's two um this guy i knew uh we hired him on crashing. He's a comedian. Kenny DeForest,

a very funny. And did we talk about him on the, on the podcast coming up? The one that we're going to, that we recorded for Christmas Eve. We did just a little though. Just a little. All right. Well,

we'll just say he's missed. It's very sad. 37. And who's this other guy that died? What? Andre Brower. 61. very sad uh 37 and uh who's this other guy that died what andre brower 61 passed away after a brief illness he won two emmy awards he's so and i forget what he was he's also funny man let's look up brower he's funny denman huh i'm asking denman to look it up he looks familiar was he in oh no no and he's been funny too i was gonna say i remember him from a comedy i can't remember what comedy it was

brooklyn 99 yeah that's what it was which i've never seen but he's very famous for homicide life on isn't it amazing that denman is on on the zoom call researching and we both come up with it while talking faster than he comes up with it lung cancer god damn it denman has lung but brooklyn nine nine man he was a very good straight man he was terse you know he was the authority uh let's cheer up let's cheer up i know you know i've never seen the movie glory and neither have i we should watch it together i'm never in the mood to watch it i'm never in the mood to watch it'll be a learning experience all right what are we doing uh let's cheer up funnies here we go.

Lockhorns. Loretta's on the laptop. Leroy's in the background. He doesn't look happy. And she says, Facebook was tough enough, but now we have to fake an exotic life on Instagram too. Isn't it amazing? Like, I'm on, I've been on Facebook forever. I'll be honest with you. I literally never go on it. I quit Facebook. I mean, I have an account, I guess. I don't remember last

time I was there, but there's people there that write me notes that I should be responding to. I reply to everybody on Instagram. I reply to everybody on Twitter. I reply to all of the YouTube comments that are made on our YouTube page. I reply to everybody that emails to the website. It's enough. And I'm supposed to get on fucking TikTok now?

I can't do it. How much time do you have in a day? I know. Now she's in bed yeah she's in bed she's got a thermometer in her mouth she looks miserable uh leroy is jubilant and he goes i'll take care of everything loretta where do you keep it um hager the horrible he he is horrible if he's so horrible why is he put on the funny pages for our children to read about and he's in a viking cult yes he's got three wives helga and two other women that are locked in the basement so So this is an old classic. It's the end of the year.

I wanted to put it in because this is the quintessential Hager comic strip. Helga's sitting at a table. She's talking to her friend. They're having a little cup of tea. And she goes, how did you and Hager meet?

And Helga says, Hager stormed my father's castle and carried me off. Hager goes, she should have let go of the baked ham so not only did he abduct her he's slamming her for the only reason he took her is because she had food and then raped her yeah it's a nice light-. Yeah. He raped me for the ham. That's basically what's being said here. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I got a far side. Uh, I like this one.

It's these, uh, father and son and they're, uh, at a national park or it looks like that. And they're taking a photo of this monument, this big sculpture. And the sign says it's the Donner party Memorial. And you look at it and it is a, it's a plate with two pieces of bread and a foot between the two pieces of bread, a very conspicuous giant foot sticking two pieces of bread. A very conspicuous giant foot sticking out of the bread.

Someone should actually build that and put that up somewhere. That is too funny. If you haven't seen it, Ken Burns' brother, also named Burns, and I should know his name and I'm forgetting it, he did a documentary on the Donner party and it's fascinating really yeah because they you know they wanted they were gonna eat the help first they're like Native American guides and it one was very much like a scene out of Jack London where they drew they were drawing straws I forget how it went well no that's another story one of them sensed that he might be eaten and kind of always kept his distance and then disappeared so that was one another one was

three guys made an agreement and they drew straws and then the two couldn't do it to the third guy even though the third conceded rules are rules wow yeah um rick burns was the guy's name nice so uh blondie i'm just reading it because it's so bad uh he's on the phone at work and he says says, and Blondie is saying, I'm about to book my biggest Christmas banquet ever. And Dagwood goes, sweet. Hopefully those folks have deep pockets. And then Blondie, and now we cut to Blondie sitting with Santa Claus and Mama Claus. Mama Claus? Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus. And she goes, you don't know the half of it and they're both going ho ho ho um no no no no it's it's about blondie she doesn't look sexy she's sitting down looks like she's got a fucking bow tie on or something and don't don't don't break character don't don't don't get meta do do it right show the suffering of this woman and and let me let me fantasize a little about how sexy she looks i can't get excited when papa smurf and mama smurf are sitting there maybe your other take is here's this uh smoke show this unbelievably sexy woman who is so dumb she still believes in santa claus yes and is impressed that these two psychopaths who are dressed as mr and mrs claus are going to uh have a giant like they're really

going to have a big banquet she believes believes this. Yeah. Yeah. So she's that gullible and sweet and willing to do anything anyone says. And you get her at home in a few hours. Right. I like that. During the day, she's, she's got a couple of homeless people sitting in her dining room ordering food because she's a caterer and they're not going to pay for it. And that night she's going to expect to get the high hard one from a guy in donut pajamas. Her whole life is a delusional fantasy. A charade.

A charade. Thank you guys for listening. Merry, Merry Christmas to you. And if you're Jewish. One week left everybody. Let's get it all done. Anthony Clark used to do a joke.

He'd go, well, if you're Christian, Merry Christmas. If you're Jewish, Happy Hanukkah. And if you're an atheist, brr, sure is cold out there. That's a good one. We want to thank our sponsors, as always. They've helped us get through this year and paid Chris Denman and Midcoast Media. So we want to tell you to support them. Go to Game Time the app use the code papers get 20 off omaha steaks is going to give you 50 50 off site wide plus an extra 30 bucks when you use papers and then finally you're

going to go to mint mobile and you're going to get your self-service for, I think it's like 15 bucks a month and you get three months free when you use the code papers as well. So until New Year's Eve will be our next show. We already taped it and it's a special show because we went through and we picked our- Slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down. So this is the 17th and we have a show in a week on christmas eve oh yes okay that's

the one we just taped okay but that one is the one we chose to do our favorite stories of the year it's a best of but we didn't we didn't take the easy way out and just cut and paste the old stories we redid them and uh we put a fresh spin on them well we we use we used a lot of the old jokes but we also put new jokes in and we we kept it lively it was more fun this way yeah so uh thank you guys uh hope you have a great holiday and we'll talk to you next week take it ish merry christmas happy holidays take it mary take it mary all right Take it, Ish. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Take it, Mary. Take it, Mary. All right.

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