Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 196 12/24/23

Episode Date: December 24, 2023

We launch our 1st Annual Year In Review Episode! All our favorite stories from this year read live and made special. Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail]

Extra, extra, read all about it on the Sunday Papers show. They'll tell you everything you ever wanted or needed to know. We can watch the world... It doesn't matter. Three, two, one. Read all about it! Read all about it! all about it sunday papers sunday papers got it you're in your bathrobe you got a dog you're petting him me he fetches your paper he brings it to you your wife she left you're're drinking this whiskey in the coffee cup. And we're here to cheer you up

for our Christmas Eve Sunday papers. I am texting while I'm podcasting. Is that dangerous? Merry Christmas, Mike. Merry Christmas. Thanks for participating. In literally the first 30 seconds of the podcast, you're texting somebody.

No, it's Olivia has a soccer game. I'm supposed to go see it. Yeah, okay. We'll see. Well, I could tell you a little bit about my day. I already told you, but it's worth sharing. Well, people should know we recorded this 10 days before Christmas Eve,

nine days before Christmas Eve. Yeah. So I woke up in Nashville, was taking a 6 a.m. flight to get back here because we even had a meeting earlier today and other stuff. So 6 a.m. flight gets in at, I think, 9 with pad. So anyway, that means I get up at 4.30, which is 2.30 in the morning here. Make it, no problem. Airport's the most crowded I've ever seen, and I don't really know what's going on.

Make it to my plane. I'm in my seat. It's like a little before 6 a.m., and we then go out to the tarmac or whatever, and we sit on the plane for two and a half hours. Why? Because the de-icing machine, the de-icer wasn't working in Nashville. So what I've gathered was the plane then went out and positioned itself along with other planes to catch the first lights of sun, the first rays of sun. Like lizards by the side of a pond.

It felt very animal kingdom-like. These big things like birds positioning themselves to get the sun and then had to wait till nature de-iced it, which I didn't love. Now, to add insult to injury this is spirit airlines no wi-fi of course not which means no anything there's no screen there's no anything yeah did you bring a magazine did you have a book i slept a lot to tell you the truth but um i they told us to download like they're like hey and the spirit this is their this is their fancy excuse as you can see it's a brand new uh airplane and it just hasn't been fitted with wi-fi yet it seems like that's one of the easiest things right

right yeah on a new plane yeah the verizon guy i will come over in like 10 minutes. They'll set it up. Alright, here's my flight. I'm in Fort Worth, Texas right now and I flew in on Delta and I was in the window seat in coach and I'm

I got this I sit down and then this guy comes in with his mother, and they're Asian, and he's carrying her pretty much. That's sweet. So he dumps her lifeless body in the middle seat, and he sits on the aisle. And then about halfway through the flight, I went to get something out of my bag, and my laptop and glasses fell on the ground and went under the seat in front of the old lady. So I now take off my seatbelts.

I bend over. And, you know, coach is so fucking tight that I got my head down, and my head like in this woman's lap and I got my arms underneath and she's kicking the seat and she goes like, and then her, her son is like, and like, they're fucking yelling at me in Chinese. Oh,

is that what that was? So they both hatched a plan to have you canceled with this story is that what i am i following does it sound like chinese to you did that sound like chinese yeah could i not go hey what are you doing or could i not go uh what are you doing under the seat? Like, so anyway, I get, I finally get the computer and I put it in the bag and then another hour and a half goes by. We land and then they get up and he's like carrying her and I, and I'm,

and I'm coming out behind them and he turns around and goes, Jingo! Again, like an hour and a half later, he yells at me in Mandarin. What? Just because you were putting your face in his mom's lap? I mean, come on.

She didn't feel anything. She's been dead below the waves for years. Oh, no. Wow, all right. Yeah. I think my flight might have been better somehow yeah now mine was right on time which was nice and uh i do like getting texts on the flight i don't need my emails but delta gives you texting and uh i love it i love it i know i kind of i mean obviously i was reminded too strongly today about it used to be a nice respite you know it used to be a little uh time out yeah and i remember traveling for work and being like all right well i'm out i'm out of the picture for five hours on

friday as i'm going to New York or whatever, you know. I just plowed through a book in like four days. Did I tell you I read Reggie Watts' book? Oh, I said hello for you. He says hello back. Oh, good, good. I love Reggie. He was so great on the podcast.

If you didn't listen to Fitz Dog Radio this week, Reggie Watts was phenomenal. And he's just so in the moment, like his whole book is about being improvisational and being present. And so it was just like we just riffed and it was funny. And we talked a lot about the book. It was it was really cool. Excellent. He reads it.

He reads the book. Did you listen to the book? No, I fucking read it like a man. Oh, Jesus. I read it. You're right, though. I probably should have listened. I bet he did an interesting read.

Although what's cool is- That was my question. There's QV codes. Is that what they're called? Yeah, QR. There's QR codes. And so he'll be like uh he'll describe this incredible first night that him and his friends played in front of their friends at a party in

his first band and then there's a qr code and you click on it and it takes you to a youtube uh video of it wasn't video it was just sound but you could hear it and like throughout his career it had like really cool youtube videos that you could go to so it was very cool yeah together was it i'm sure there's a qr code for him to read the whole book but i was wondering because i've worked with reggie uh when we got him uh James Corden show. And Reggie, you know, part of that improv thing is not keen on following a script word for word, usually. Right, right. And he almost always makes it better.

But so I was wondering if a book on tape would seem a little constricting for him as well. Right. I remember, I forget whose book he ended up riffing most of it. Oh, Keith Richards? Was it Keith Richards? I think Keith Richards went off book, so to speak. Yeah.

Went off, I don't know. All right, well, we're on book this week. If we haven't announced it yet, this is our year-end recap show. It's not a best of because we could have easily gone back and clipped out our favorite bits from the year. But instead, we copied and pasted them into the document and we're going to recreate each one to make it feel

more alive. Is that a good way of describing it? Sure. What a sale. Well, they're the stories we quickly went through. These are our favorite. Jesus. It's amazing how much you underplay this show. These are our favorite stories of the year. There you go. Mike handled the first half of the year and then I did July through roughly October. And we put the stories in and we're going to read them for you now.

I did six months. You did not do that? No, I did six months. Okay. You'll notice because there's some December stories in there. Oh, alright. We wanted to also recap that one thing that was going on during the year is the Writers Guild strike and the SAG strike, and we were approached by Kit Boss, who ran a relief fund for below-the-line workers,

so the camera people and the gaffers and the grips and all those people, uh, to raise money for them. And, uh, they asked us to play around a golf. We auctioned it off. Uh,

this great guy came in and paid $4,275 to play with us. Yes. And we played a really fun round of golf with him. And then he came to see my show in San Francisco last week. Unpaid $6,000. Tim Dilley. Timmy. Timmy.

Timmy. Dill Man. That was such a fun day of golf. He's such a positive guy. Good guy. Rich. Fucking rich. Well, a little less.

I'm glad we helped him get less rich. We also want to talk about... Here's what I'd like for you guys to do for my Instagram, for my Christmas present. My Instagram number right now is 99,900. And I would really like to get over a hundred thousand by the end of the year. So if you would, and I, it would just be so cool. If you just stopped for one second, open your phone, go to Greg

Fitzsimmons on Instagram, throw me a follow. Because here's the thing. When you have 100,000 followers, they give you more money on your road work as a stand up and they bring you in more for hosting jobs. Everything opens up in Hollywood when you hit 100,000. I'm 100 people away. So just do it. I can give you all my followers and you hit 100,000. I'm 100 people away. So just do it. Thank you. I can give you all my followers

and you'd barely make it. Oh, Jesus. I have 3,400 and lucky 13 followers. Well, follow GibbonsTime as well. You put up some good posts. If you want to see Mike's family, he puts up pictures of his family. I don't really. I mean,

once in a while but uh you know i should be putting up more funny stuff well let's make that a new year's resolution mike okay all right yeah um the logo this week we want to thank uh bruce wise who's been a supporter all year he gave us so many logos this year and this is a great one it It's Blondie and she is sitting, I can't tell what she's sitting on. It almost looks like a swing. And me and Mike are next to her, very nicely done. Yeah.

And then the song this week is from James Badnewski, which I hope isn't his real name. And he sent me this song and I replied to him, thank you so much this is awful it's perfect for the show and i think he actually got offended i didn't mean awful like it was bad i just meant like it was the kind of sound quality that we love when it's just like a guy in his

basement with an acoustic guitar and a lavalier mic having it's It's lo-fi. Lo-fi. But the song is great. Thank you for that. Other tour dates I got coming up at the end of the year, Milwaukee Improv, December 29th through the 31st, New Year's Eve. Den Theater in Chicago, January 13th is filling up fast. Get your tickets. Atlanta Punchline, January 18th through 20th. Also coming to Portland, Oregon, La Jolla, and Tampa. Tickets at FitzDawg.com. How do you get tickets to things? I always wonder. You know what I do?

I use GameTime. No. I do. I do. I love it. They're not just a sponsor. We actually use them, as you can tell. Here's the Rolling Stones.

$95. You got a long way to go. We're going to watch that one. That's in July. Tomorrow, Knicks at Lakers. Right now it's at $175, but we're going to watch that. It's going to go down. That's going to go up. You think so?

I think so. Well, you'll get the best rate and the best deal. When you go to game time, love game time. We talk about it. No matter what city we're in, you can go there and just put discover, which we'll just discover everything that's going on from sports to plays,

to stand up to concerts, everything. What's great also is that the app is amazing. It's a couple of taps and it's in your phone. You don't have to print. You don't have to transfer, download any kind of stuff like that. It's just in there. And from the app, you can take a look at the view from your seats, which is pretty cool. And there's last minute tickets. There's flash deals. There's zone deals. And it's the lowest price guaranteed. Um, there's event cancellation protection, job loss protection. Um, it's the only ticketing app that gives you complete

peace of mind with your purchase. And one, another thing I really like is the all in one prices. Um, the all in prices that they show you, which includes everything. Cause I get burned on other ones where I'm like, Oh, what a great deal. 120 bucks each or whatever it is. And then it's like, Oh, I got two. How did it get to $500? Right. So listen, take the guesswork out of buying tickets with game time, download the game time app, create an account and use code papers for $20 off your first purchase terms

apply again, create an account and redeem code P A P E R S for $20 off your first purchase, terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code PAPERS for $20 off. Download Game Time today. Last minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. Guaranteed. All right. Also, I want to talk about the delicious, sumptuous, and simple Omaha Steaks. Comes right to you. I'm getting mine delivered. I just got a box, and we tore Steaks. Comes right to you. I'm getting mine delivered.

I just got a box, and we tore through it. I guess it took us like 10 days, which is nice because it comes frozen. It's flash frozen. You stick it in the freezer, and then boom. You want to have some steaks? Pull them out. You want some chicken? Great.

How about some Jumbo Franks? Love it. These are butchers. Hey, going off script here for a second. Do you know there's all these nerds, you know, and they cook in labs, but there's a good amount of these nerds who think cooking steak from frozen is absolutely the best way to cook it. No kidding.

You mean cold, frozen, don't let it thaw at all. Hard as a rock, frozen. Damn. Yeah. You just have to run under a tiny bit of water to get the ice if there's any sort of ice crystals because that will not do well when it hits the oil in the pan. But anyway, you can look it up. People do sous vide.

They do reverse sear, the regular sear. They do their own version of dry aging it in the refrigerator for 24 hours, all this stuff, but from frozen. So that's another benefit for Omaha Steaks. were a family member last summer we went up to matt malloy's house in upstate new york my mom knew that we were bringing seven people up there so she sent a big box of omaha steaks we used it all week um it's convenient it's delicious it's high quality it's a great holiday gift experience and uh you know if you go to omahasteaks.com, you save 50% off site-wide. Plus, when you use promo code PAPERS at checkout, get an additional $30 off your order. Send tender, juicy Butcher's Black Filet Mignons, mouth-watering burgers. My mouth is watering. Gourmet jumbo franks, or even easy-to-pre to prepare meals that are ready in a flash ready to

ship your order right away so shop early and beat the shipping rush go to omahasteaks.com use promo code papers at checkout omaha steaks is a gift from the heart a gift that will be remembered with every unforgettable bite order with complete confidence today knowing you're ordering the best visit omahasteaks.com. Take advantage of 50% off site-wide, plus use promo code PAPERS at checkout to get an extra $30 off. Minimum order may require. We ready? Are we ready to tackle the whole year, Mike?

Are you kidding me? Let's do it. Here comes some paper. Front page. Front page. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! We're not going to dwell on these stories. We're going to hit them fast and hard and move on.

This is a front page story from back in January, and it was U.S. Congressman Robert Garcia, Democrat from California, was sworn in with his hand on the first issue of the Superman comic book from 1939. The comic was accompanied by a copy of the U.S. Constitution, Garcia's U.S. citizenship certificate and a photograph of his parents who died from COVID-19. Yep. And he gives a nice little quote. And then he's like, Superman represents truth and justice. If you look at Superman's values and caucus values, it's about justice.

It's about honesty. It's doing the right thing, standing up for people that need support. And you know, he's a, as a gay man, he really likes his tights. And as a Latino man,

he likes that he showed up undocumented on this planet and found a good job. And I had written Superman was more of an immigrant than this guy superman came from kansas i don't exactly know what that joke means but what i did like is i go meanwhile george santos is like wait that's me my dead parents are immigrants too so even back in january where the slamming of santos was on okay, then in late January, I remember loving this story. Marie Kondo has given up on being tidy. My home is messy, she said.

The 38-year-old organizational guru who gave birth to her third child in 2021 is known for the Netflix series Tidying Up, where she instructs eager cleaners to keep what sparks joy and to trash the rest. But Marie just had her third kid and says, I have kind of given up on that in a good way for me, she added. Now I realize what's important to me is enjoying time with my children at home. Although it should be said, she held all three of her children

and then she threw out two of them. They weren't bringing her joy. No spark. They were the joyless children. That's, that's the key kids. Yeah. Keep a smile on that face.

This is like Tony Robbins telling us to just, just relax, just accept yourself the way you are. Yeah. Don't try harder. Or maybe Oprah gaining 150 pounds. Wait a minute. What? She's done that like six times Oprah gaining 150 pounds. Wait a minute. What?

She's done that like six times. I think she just lost a bunch. She might have just admitted that she's on that liver pill. Ozempic? Yeah, I think she just admitted she was on Ozempic. Wow. Yeah. And then I found this.

Let's get this. On February 5th, somehow I think on the fly, we came up with a death pool. Oh, right. And never followed through, which is very like us. And you listed Kissinger, Putin, Pat Robertson, Murdoch, Cosby, Weinstein, Polanski, Sandusky. No, no, no. I just, we each picked three. Those were the names uh I picked Pat Robertson no you picked Pat Robertson Amel DeMarcos Murdoch and Sandusky you put four oh

you each got we each got four okay uh I don't know are any of those still alive are they all still alive I don't know man we have to fact check alive? Are they all still alive? I don't know, man. We have to fact check this. And we also keep in mind we have till the end of the year. Right. Anything could happen in the next week. Yeah. Especially when I go to their house tomorrow night. You picked Kissinger, Cosby, Weinstein, and Cheney.

Hard to tell who you hate more there. That's a hateable list. Yeah. Mine's hateable. They're all hateable. Is that why we like this death pool? Yeah. Imelda Marcos is still around. She's not dead. So is Murdoch, sadly.

What about Sandusky? He's hanging in his cell. Let me see. Sandusky alive. I think Pat Robertson might have died. I don't know. Oh, yeah. You check on Pat Robertson.

I'll check on Pat Robertson, man. Yeah. Sandusky's still alive. He's still alive. Chaney's still alive. And Sandusky's still married to Dottie Gross. She hangs in there. Are you serious?

Yep. Wow. With so many deaths, which we're going to talk about at the end, it's amazing that these people are still alive. So I won. Dead. Who? Pat Robertson, dead June 8th.

Oh. Yes. All right, so we're even. 1-1. Hell got a little more crowded. Yeah. Because he believes in hell. So that's probably where he is. If you build it, they will come.

Here's a great one on March 12th. Cocaine cat. A large cat called a serval rescued from a tree in Cincinnati tested positive for cocaine. Animal control officials said the big cat escaped when his owner was pulled over by police. The big cat leapt from the car into a tree. The cat will now call the Cincinnati Zoo home. Well, if it's the Cincinnati Zoo, we should be able to score some more below. I thought, what a great idea.

If you're pulled over by the cops, just roll down the window. And first you have to have a big wild cat in your car. Yeah. First that. And then it jumps out the window and it's like, you know, the guys say, have you been drinking? So drinking with a big wild cat in the car who's on cocaine. Are you crazy?

I had cocaine, but the cat did it all. I didn't do any. But I like the idea of wild animals on drugs loose in every major city. Just to kind of like keep you focused, get you off your phone, make you pay attention, look around a little bit, take in what's going on in the world. You know how we've done all sorts of devious things to keep ourselves awake when we're driving? This would do it.

Yes. A cocaine cat? Yeah. For sure. No one's going to crosswalk. I think it's the big cat's idea once he did the cocaine. Listen, pussy, we're going to Vegas. Oh, shoot, it's the cops.

Okay, just pull over slowly. Act calm. Fuck this. I'm out of here. Yeah, I mean, if you got to Vegas with the cocaine cat, you're definitely, you're getting laid. You go to a rave with the cocaine cat,

oh yeah, you're the guy. Okay, in May, Tucker Carlson announced he's bringing his show to Twitter. The ousted Fox News host posted on a video to Twitter on Tuesday saying, we're back in the clip while accusing the media of telling lies. Carlson announced he will be bringing his show to Twitter, which he called the only free speech platform left in the world.

left in the world. I mean, why is it that one side claims that people are lying all the time? Is it possible that people don't lie that much? It just seems a little convenient that everybody's lying who disagrees with them. I think, though, it was a strong move. But I don't know if he's going to do as well on Twitter. And he hasn't really because he's he might be the least racist person on Twitter.

Yeah. There's a lot of competition on X. That's the thing about hosting Fox News. If you lose your job, there's not another network that will have you. It's it's like dating a woman everyone knows has herpes you're like oh yeah i know you i know you um this is june was this titanic tragedy yet another titanic tragedy this makes the third after the movie the tourist submersible that went missing while carrying five people to the sunken Titanic on Sunday was designed to be piloted with a video game controller and fitted with off-the-shelf components. The Titan's main compartment has as much space as a minivan. vessel showed that its interior could accommodate around five people sitting cross-legged as well as several screen displays and some camera equipment oh and i said apparently the submarine

wreckage is right near the titanic wreckage this is like rich people dying near other dead rich people on heverest now there will be more rich people dying trying to see the submarine wreckage. Soon it's going to be like a Cadillac ranch down there with wreckage all around the Titanic. Yeah. And by the way, anyone who went

to see the movie Titanic can relate to the feeling of suffocation, no hope, get me out of here. We're never going to get out. They spent $5 million looking for these billionaires. Meanwhile, do you remember at that same time, Greece sent out a drone?

All those Syrians came over, and a boat sank with hundreds of them drowning and they sent out like a drone and two jet skis. And we were like, alright, we're going to see them. They're not around. Under the sub, it was weird, they found the Korean

airliner. That's where it was the whole time. What are the odds of landing on it? By the way, what's a worse way to die you're struggling for air and you're surrounded by billionaire Karens completely entitled you know like I paid a lot of money this should not be happening

meanwhile if you're with poor people they would just be chill cause they're used to shit going bad all the time yeah this figures right yeah i'm i'm once again living in a piece of shit and uh you don't think this thing's gonna leak i got news for you this is gonna leak everything leaks from my experience everything leaks yeah we are underwater it's gonna. We all live in an exploding submarine. I think there was also a lot of estate attorneys getting calls from squabbling siblings that weekend,

trying to find the will, trying to figure out how much they inherited. Well, remember that one kid who was a relative, maybe it was his half son or whatever anyway was at a concert while they were still searching for them oh right right that's embarrassing a little bit an ohio man is recovering from an incident in june where he was dragged about a half a mile down the street by a car his wife was driving and thanks to a concerned group of bikers who intervened, they slowed the car down so he could escape. Eric Jones asked Williams for a divorce. And while sitting in the driver's seat of a car outside their home, snatched the husband's phone from his hands. He reached in and she fucking rolled up the window

and then sped off with him trapped. Once the biker surrounded the car to slow it down, he broke the glass and he broke the window with his elbow. Big scar on his arm. So, I mean, look. By the way, couple had been married for 18 months. Such a success. What a pussy.

Fred Flintstone drove his car like this his whole life. Because apparently he's got no heels. His heels were torn off. And Fred Flintstone drove like this on streets that were made of rocks. Not nice, smooth asphalt yeah i think though they should have had this little convoy of bikes take them right up to sturgis yeah they would not have negotiated a turn it would have taken them both out that's right i heard she also pulled into a mcdonald's drive-thru backwards so she could get her food without the husband blocking the drive-thru window.

People probably thought this was one of those gags, like, you know, when the people put the fake legs hanging out of the trunk. Right. They're like, ah, that's hilarious. April Fool's. Oh, look, her husband's hanging out. That's cute.

Should we do this one? I don't know this one. All right, I'll read it. Oh, Bo. The Tennessee Board of Judicial Conduct is accusing Judge Melissa Boyd of using cocaine and marijuana in the months before she was elected. uh so latasha rudd who served as boyd's campaign manager alleges that boyd came to her house smelling like alcohol and when she drinks she becomes aggressive and hostile um she is alleged to have pointed her finger at rudd before putting her hand over rudd's mouth telling her to shut up and not mess with her because she's the judge.

So they allege that. So look. I've watched this judge show. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She keeps hitting the gavel and you realize she's just breaking up a rock of cocaine. Well, now we know why Lady Justice holds those scales. She's a dealer.

Yeah. Why is it a metric scale? That's weird. and the sword for carving up those lines yeah the bailiff yells out order in the court and she's like i'll have a vodka martini dry she's also stealing the moves out of the boogie nights guys doing blow while wearing a robe maybe there's an asian guy by the witness stand lighting off firecrackers. I want to see this show. Apparently, some guy came up on a DWI charge. There used to be DWI in New York. Do you remember that before DUI?

It was driving while intoxicated, and now it's driving under the influence. DWI. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. So some guy came up with a dwi charge and uh david's dwi yeah yeah dwis and she asked him if he was sober now and he said yes and she dismissed the case and asked him for a ride home so that was kind of an indication that um all right this is maybe the story of the year.

A Delta passenger sprayed diarrhea everywhere aboard a... Still not as bad as my flight today. Aboard a mid-air flight, forcing the plane to turn around and go back to the airport. They were going to Barcelona from Georgia and the guy's gastrointestinal issues exploded out in the open and the flight attendant radioed air traffic control and he seemed pretty calm you can hear

him on the recording saying it's just a biohazard issue we had a passenger who had diarrhea all the way through the airplane so they want us to come back to atlanta uh people complain on social media quote my partner was on the flight it was pretty bad it was dribbled down the aisle smelled horrible another said the vanilla scent a disinfectant used on it only made it smell like vanilla shit no word on the condition of the passenger i'm gonna guess his condition is hopefully embarrassment this plane should have been like those cruise ships where no one wanted to take them right no one would take them back yeah yeah they just give them more gas and send them on to the next airport yeah here's my toilet paper but what's with spraying it up the aisles?

I thought pants, among other things, like giving you a place to put your keys and keeping your legs warm. I thought they also prevented explosive diarrhea from spraying onto other people. It's one of the first reasons for pants. Yeah. I think. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you that's one huge huge moments of evolution that was one of them what do we got here are you there are you frozen yeah i'm just looking if we should read this one let's uh

yeah let's read this one uh pint of pussy is the title of this one popular twitch streamer and only fans model amaranth amaranth is teaming up with polish brewery the order of yanni to create and sell a new beer made from her vaginal yeast quote like basically like pap smear myself uh they want to make beer using my vaginal yeast like the same profile i guess it's it's hilarious i don't know if they'll actually drink it but they'll probably drink it she says uh this isn't the first unusual product for her she previously sold fart jars bath water and her own hair for thousands of dollars. But beer?

Pussy beer? I think the head on the beer is actually just dried semen. Oh, and it's an IPA. It's Indian pussy ale. That's right. Well, once a month they put out a red ale. Right. Nice.

Ugh. Excuse me, bartender a there's a hair in my beer and a couple clumps of toilet tissue i told you when we were doing the tosh tosh's first show uh we were gonna have at the end there was a woman well known on on you know the internet circles called uh cake fart girl and she would be paid money this is way before these things but like in terms of only fans but she would sit on cakes and fart naked and she was beautiful uh was she able to blow out the candles that was her trick she'd sit all the way down i'd come back it's still late or it's like a torch and comedy central kind of lost their minds because we had already maybe

put in two girls one cup yeah it was a it was a balls out pilot but i remember cake fart girl yeah um did you want to talk about these two shows or did that just get left in there? The supermodels die. No, no, you put that, you copy and paste. Now let's talk about,

we don't have to skip play boy. Okay. We'll skip play boy. Um, swimming. Okay. Let's do this one. A man is being treated after jumping into the reflecting pool at the World Trade Center Memorial in Lower Manhattan.

He jumped into the pool and was taken out. It's about 30 feet to the bottom. He injured his leg. We have learned he told one of the officers he did this for his father. It is unclear if that meant he lost anyone on 9-11. Yeah. The firefighters saw, he was nude, by the way. The firefighters saw the nude man in the freezing water,

and let's just say they did not rush in. Authorities then gave him some sheets and some jumper cables to warm up in his cell down in Guantanamo. Standard operating procedure. Did it for his father. Is his father Osama bin Laden? There really is, but it makes you think about it. There is a mental health illness issue in New York,

and we need to do something about it. And that starts with building some more goddamn pools. You know, I saw, listen, I know it's rumors, but online that the man was being remote controlled by Jews. No. And that's how he flew into the water, yeah. Really? Yep, yep.

They took off his clothes, all of it remotely. It's like the Gaza Strip down lower Manhattan. You want to read this one uh i don't know this story uh okay but the putting the horse you don't know it we literally did all of these stories together in the last year no i know i just haven't refreshed myself a longview man is accused of attempting to hire a prostitute for himself and his miniature horse. Jad Shipman, who's 48, was arrested on one count of first degree

attempted animal cruelty. He didn't think it was cruel. Well, no. It was foreplay. And one count of patronizing a prostitute per court documents. Shipman allegedly offered to pay $440 to a person to travel to Longview to touch him and his miniature horse sexually.

He told the potential prostitute he was having a difficult time finding a willing participant to join him as the last two gals I asked said it was noticeably outside their comfort zone. That doesn't sound like any whore I've ever met. No, that was pretty articulate. Yeah, listen here. Listen here, pal. This is way outside my comfort zone. Noticeably.

You know, I think I get what he's up to. I think he has these miniatures so he can say truthfully that he's hung like a horse to the gals. I know. This shouldn't be a felony. The horse was miniature. This is a petty crime. Yeah, small claims. With a miniature horse, I just hope that he got a hooker who

was a little person. That could sell. He should have had a pay-per-view yeah all right listen speaking of you know making choices prize picks is the largest daily fantasy sports platform in north america uh the easiest and most exciting play to play DFS. It's just you against the numbers. You're not battling thousands of other players, including pros and sharks. You pick more than or less than on two to six player stat projections and watch the winnings roll in.

It's really fun because it's basketball season now and football season, so you can fold in these bets where you can win up to 25 times your money, which I did. Select two players. Yeah. Select two players, pick more or less on the projected stats they have right there for you and place your entry. I won 25 times my money the first week, which was pretty sweet because just between us, they gave me some starter money to use. So I made money on free money, but I made 25 times it, which was pretty sweet. It's beginning your gifts early. There's a 12 days of Picksmas starting December 14th, where there's a new promotion done every day for new and existing customers. This will range from payout boosts

to discounted projections. Like for instance, this week, I am going to guess Anthony Davis for more than two blocks and Damian Lillard for more than four three-pointers made. And do you know about this combo projections from their specials league?

What's that? They, a league created specifically for, get this for combo projections, which can include two or more players from different sports or leagues. And the example they gave is LeBron James plus Travis Kelsey at 10.5 combo of three point, three point shots made and receptions.

Nice. So it gets pretty interesting. Well, it just keeps you interested in watching games. It's more exciting when you've got some excitement. So they offer Apple Pay for quick and easy deposit into your account this football season. Go to prizepicks.com. I'm sorry, everybody.

Go to prizepicks.com slash papers. Use code PAPERS for a first deposit match of up to $100. Again, go to prizepicks.com slash papers. Use code PAPERS for a first deposit match up to $100. Pick more. Pick less. Pick less. 100 pick more pick less it's that easy all right let's get to entertainment here we go paper holy moly you're obviously reading this one. You put this in, though. I love Bernie Taupin.

The lyricist behind some of Elton John's biggest songs, of course, has set a release date for his upcoming memoir, Scattershot, Life, Music, Elton, and Me. Really, it should be Life, Music, Elton, and Elton. You're going to get me to read it. If you're going to get me to read it, the memoir is said to detail Taupin and John's lifelong creative partnership, where

he abused Elton John for 20 or 30 years. A statement describes the memoir as an exciting multi-decade whirlwind. Only if it's said to Elton John's music, I'm going to listen to it on tape, and if Elton's music isn't there,

just like all of his lyrics, it, you can't, you cannot do it. Right. Um, right. Yeah.

So anyway, it must have been hard to type with his hands grasped so tightly on Elton's coattails. Like, did he use his cock? Yeah. Um, yeah,

that was tough for you. This was in in he did so much promotion for this and i just know every time you clicked on your feed and saw him doing another talk show or npr it must have driven you crazy well he did think the band was the biggest thing to ever happen to him in music. So I liked him for saying that. And he talks a lot about them. Yep. But boy, you'd think he would have been a little more influenced by their lyrics. Yep. Daniel Radcliffe.

But then again, no. Daniel Radcliffe is exec producing a doc about his former stunt double who was left paralyzed following an accident on the Harry Potter set. It's a coming of age story of a prodigious teenage. It's called David Holmes, the boy who lived. Coming of age story of a prodigious teenage gymnast who formed an inextricable bond with Harry Potter star Radcliffe. He was working on Deathly Hallows Part One when an explosion that was part of a planned stunt

sent him plummeting to the ground, leaving him paralyzed from the chest down, featuring candid personal footage shot over the last decade, behind the scenes material from his stunt work, scenes from his current life, and interviews with him, Radcliffe, friends, family, and former crew. Look, all this guy wants to do is forget the world-shattering tragedy that put him in a wheelchair, and Radcliffe is just dredging it up and promoting it, and he's got to sit through all this. Worse than that, Radliff is making this poor guy do all the dangerous reenactments. He's forcing him to. He said it would be inauthentic if he didn't.

Just throwing him under some stairs. Remember, this is when you got paralyzed, so this is the money shot. Focus, focus. He's also, this just seems a little self-serving. It seems like he's trying to assuage his guilt. He's also planning a documentary about an Asian masseuse who catches mouth herpes after blowing a world-famous child actor.

So, you know. What? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, what is this thing? Just give him money. Give him money. And also, I heard he did put him him up he's putting him up in his mansion

but obviously the guy can't get up the stairs so he put him under the stairs all right this is your story kid rock enjoys a bud light kid rock appears to have made his peace with bud light just months after using an assault rifle to destroy multiple cases of beer in response to the Dylan Mulvaney social media posts. You know, this is in the news, I think, today that he officially has ended his boycott. But we caught him. but really caught him we had caught him in this story because um he was spotted by the gossip news site tmz sipping from a can of the beleaguered anheuser-busch brand at a colt ford concert in nashville this week that we did the story wow well busted the only time i would spray a bud light with bullets is while Kid Rock is drinking it.

Well, I was thinking maybe he was just drinking one of the many cans he couldn't hit with his assault rifle because there was a lot of them, if you remember the video. Yeah. Yeah. How can he not start drinking it?

He is Bud Light. Beloved by Americans with low standards, watered down and derivative, way less popular now than it was before. I was hoping this story was like Kid Rock is a hypocrite regarding Bud Light because TMZ spotted him in the VIP section blowing a guy in the Bud Light suite. That's what I was hoping. Yeah. Then it would be more you know understandable his rage his overcompensation yeah that is weird anytime anytime guys get like that you know it's just like

what are you angry about this this shit like somebody a guy dressing up as a woman to me i love it it's entertaining entertaining. I want life. I'm bored with life. It's the same. Every guy wears Gap khakis and a concert T-shirt and Chuck tail. I'm bored. Show me a dude with lipstick and pantyhose. That's fun.

So this is like the weirdest Goodfellas scene where now the trans person goes to you so i amuse you greg what am i a clown i amuse you no no i just meant like you look really pretty i didn't mean anything by it next headline is lady died when the crown concludes its sixth and final season later this year uh everybody will see the tragic death of Princess Diana. The producers have claimed that they filled the passing of Diana with enormous sensitivity. They noted that the death scene, when she died at the age of 36 in a fiery car crash in Paris,

will be shown in the early episodes of the season. The show might be big and noisy, but we're not. We're thoughtful people and we're sensitive people. We don't care about the money. They were very careful and had long conversations about how they were going to do it thoughtfully.

They described it as tasteful, you know, like Cinderella meets Formula One. So she'd be, what now, 63? Well, this happened in 97, and she was 36. 17, so 26 plus 36 is 50. Yeah, that's right. Wow. Yeah.

All right. Charles, meanwhile, is going to watch this with some Juergens lotion and Kleenex. Yeah, and I just hope that no one spoils this ending for Meghan Markle, who clearly has no idea about her husband's family. She doesn't know how Harry's mom died. Just like she didn't know the royal family was impossibly cruel to Diana or that the British monarchy might be a tad racist.

Just since the first century i mean maybe she hasn't caught up on recent news jeez yeah what a year look at this jada pinkett smith is the next one wow yeah do it do it says she was separated from her husband will smith for six years before he infamously slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars last year. Pinkett Smith said she and her husband are still figuring it out. But in a separate NBC interview, the 52 year old said that the pair are still not together. So this was also in the news this week, by the way, because she has some nickname like the slap that saved our marriage or some positive take on this slap, which is crazy. Yeah. She said we were exhausted trying.

I think we were both stuck in our fantasy and they had problems with the marriage. and they had problems with the marriage. In an episode of her Red Table talk show, they publicly discussed how Pinkett Smith had entered into another relationship or, quote, entanglement, as she described it, with singer August Alsina. Yeah, she got entangled with his cock. Yeah, what is the entanglement?

Double speak. Yeah. Now that they're broken up, she said she'll continue fucking other guys. Yeah, and speaking of double speak yeah now now that they're broken up she said she'll continue fucking other guys yeah and speaking of double speak i mean really it sounds from this article like will should have yelled keep my estranged wife's name out your fucking mouth if i were him i would try to to make alimony based on future earnings. Yeah.

Get off nice and light with that one. I hate to shit on Will Smith, though. I love that guy. I really do. I feel bad about how this thing all went down. I mean, Jesus Christ, it just ended in 10 seconds. A really illustrious career, dude great role model and just gone is no one whispering in his ear listen you have to get out of this marriage right that

that will help him so much are theyologists? I don't know. Because Scientology would know how to handle this. They would straighten this shit out. Yeah. Are you kidding me? Anyone who made fun of them, they'd kill their dogs? Right. Straighten this up quick, fast, and in a hurry. Flavor vision ain't blurry.

It's time to go to Florida for the last time this year Okay This was Florida Man Busted Trying to run across Atlantic Ocean In a giant hamster wheel Wait for it Amid hurricane

Riza Baluchi 44 was spotted late last month about 70 miles off the coast of tybee island georgia probably pronounced that wrong as hurricane franklin caused life-threatening surf and rip current conditions photos showed him in the middle of the quirky homemade contraption or hydropod he calls it, consisting of a metal drum with inflatable buoys on each side, as well as paddles powered by him running inside the ball. Bellucci reportedly told his rescuers he planned to run for more than 4,000 miles to cross the ocean to London. Well, I hope he kept his cool when they told him he had to disembark.

So let's see here. Then he repeatedly threatened to kill himself rather than end his wheelie risky run. He claimed to have a 12 inch knife and even a bomb sparking a three day standoff before he finally disembarked Friday in Miami beach, Florida. Ooh, he made it really far. Yeah, he backtracked. And he had been stopped before from making this stunt in 2014, 2016, and 2021. I'll never give up my dream. They stopped me four or five times, but I never give up, he said. Shouldn't this be the ravings and means of transportation? Shouldn't this be the ravings and means?

I don't even know what that means. I just know apparently they calmed him down eventually. They fed him some gerbil pellets and gave him some wood chips to shit in. He asked if someone could put him in their shirt pocket

and rub his back. I'm so thirsty. Can you put a little ball bearing thing in the corner of my ball so I can drink it? Right. They tried to catch him and he ran under a table, which is weird because he was in the ocean. But it's still a joke that might work.

How did you not put that he ran right up Richard Gere's ass? That's how they should have gotten him out of the wheel they should have made a big flotation device that looked like Richard Gere's asshole well that's what he was doing when he was envisioning this thing like how am I gonna make this he's like just London was uh Richard Gere's anus and he was just running towards it by the way why stop him I mean let the guy run on a fucking I mean isn't that just a water toy aren mean, let the guy run on a fucking... I mean, isn't that just a water toy? Aren't you allowed to go out on a water toy in the ocean?

Yeah, can't he sign releases like, don't waste the taxpayers' money. You don't have to rescue me. I'm going to get bashed into smithereens by these orcas off of Portugal anyway. We're going to play ball with me. Right. I guess he was thinking outside of the box

and inside of the wheel. Is that what he did? Yep. And then we have a Florida man arrested for dunking a woman's head into a vat of tar during an argument. I will say you chose these stories, which is, anyway,

a woman suffered chemical burns after a Florida man dunked her head in a vat of tar-like substance and choked her at gunpoint. Marshal Dimmick, 55, of Rosewood, was arrested this week after an unidentified woman. Tough to identify her now. Told police she was tortured after she had a, quote, argument with a felon on Thursday. Dimmick claimed the man dunked her head into a vat of tar like substance substance that he used to treat clam and oyster bags. He also pointed a shotgun at her and choked her to near unconsciousness. Now, adding insult to injury, the woman was immediately canceled for wearing blackface. Black head. Yeah. Yeah. the injury the woman was immediately canceled for wearing blackface blackhead yeah yeah wow

yeah things got worse too because when she went to bed that night her pillow leaked and she got feathers stuck all over her head uh yeah let's go to australia because they're trying they're trying to make austral. Here we go. All right, I grabbed this story. I remember this one. I like it a lot. Court orders Australian man to compensate police after his fake kidnapping where he can meet up with his mistress. This guy, Paul, 35, left his home just before 11.45 p.m. on New Year's Eve

telling his unnamed partner he was going out to meet his financial guy yeah a little while later he messaged his girlfriend from his own phone pretending to be a group of middle eastern kidnappers posing as the fictional abductors he reportedly told his girlfriend that he would be held captive just until morning prompting her to call the district police he contacted his father the next day telling him he was being dropped off by kidnappers back at his car i don't know why you have to tell your dad that upon hearing the news the cops carried out what they called a high risk vehicle stop on his van, believing he was being held hostage inside. But they only found him inside.

He continued to play along with the false report, leading authorities on a wild goose chase for over 200 hours. He was busted after security footage showed him with a prostitute on the night in question yes that is a new year's eve to remember wow they have the footage time stamped and it showed him um initially contact like with a mistress after initially contacting his father about the kidnapping i mean mean, what a way. I mean, he really wanted to get out of the house. Yeah. Well, you know, he wanted to kiss somebody at midnight and it happened to be a prostitute.

Oh my God. But I love that he kidnapped himself. It reminds me of Richard Pryor in Blazing Saddles where he puts a gun to his own head and he's like anybody moves and I'm gonna shoot this I'm gonna say what and the old lady goes I think he's serious

well that was supposed to be Richard Pryor he wrote it oh what am I saying Richard Pryor yeah I meant the other guy yeah it was supposed to be Richard Pryor imagine if Richard Pryor was in that that's unbelievable that guy was phenomenal though. What was his name? Denman. What was his name? Oh, Denman's not on today. I forgot. Let's put Sheriff of Blazing Saddles. Here we go, everybody. Bear with us. It's worth it. He was great. And do you have the next story?

and do you have the next story yeah uh well we're going on a sport so we need a crinkle oh i'm sorry uh cleavon little oh right cleavon little did he get nominated for that uh they never nominate you for comedy everybody every actor in the world talks about how difficult comedy is every writer it's so difficult and then the oscars come and it's all these fucking dramas it's all people acting like they have special needs or they're in a nazi concentration camp where is the that's why robin williams eventually did that uh nazi movie oh, that was a Vietnam movie. Wrong war. Pryor was Brooks' original choice to play Sheriff Bart, but the studio, claiming his history of drug arrest made him uninsurable, refused to approve financing with Pryor as the star.

I think Pryor also helped write it. He did. He remained a screenwriter instead. Yeah. Paper paper here we go sports sports uh for the first time in 146 years wimbledon has changed its women's dress code. But this being Wimbledon, the change is glacial rather than radical. Players are now allowed to wear dark-colored undershorts. The move has been made to alleviate the worries of competitors who are on their period. In a statement, All England Club, Sally Bolton says she hopes the new rule will, quote,

help players focus purely on their performance by relieving a potential source of anxiety. It has been welcomed by many players, as US pro Coco Gauff told Sky News last week. I think it's going to relieve a lot of stress for me and the other girls in the locker room for sure. And this will be welcome news for the Chinese players once they start getting their periods. Oh, boy.

I also think there's going to be a change in service rules because I've dated a lot of women on their period and it's never their fault. That's a good fucking joke right there. Here's another rule I'd like in place, which is all women at all times have to wear black panties. Because I don't want to now think, oh, she's wearing black. That means she's bleeding right now. Well, black or red.

Shouldn't it be like a maroon like the color of my sweatshirt yeah i mean but you might think that they haven't gotten the rule change that uh to go from whites and maybe that's just what naturally happened and then they should also all have a little string hanging out of the elastic on the side of the panties all right we should stop before we should stop before we get gross. We should stop before we get gross. You want to talk about your boy, your Jets? No, you just said the word. Your Jets quarterback,

the guy that was going to turn around the season for us. We're in many sports stories, and I'm like, oh, I think you can remember Aaron Rodgers. Yeah. What a ridiculous season, the whole thing. Oh, my, it's so embarrassing. Well, you Jets fans. I mean, first of all,

the Jets were the hard knock team on HBO this year. So we saw the whole preseason. We saw 12 episodes leading up to Aaron Rodgers. Likeable. Yeah. How about they didn't bring up the anti-vax or the election denying once during the whole series? No, no, but I'm talking about the Jets were likeable

because they're so miserable and they're a joke. I mean, they are a joke and especially now. But you know, shame on us. We got hope. You can't have hope if you're a Jets fan. Nope. Just ask Leroy Lockhorn.

Right. Alright, what are we doing now, fella? Let's do some international all right all right this one's gross just like the tennis one we're gonna do it anyway a twin dude to be medically terminated to save his brother's life made a surprise arrival in the toilet bowl. This is in England. Mom, Corrine Rose, 30, suddenly went into labor

and welcomed twin boys while on the loo at 32 weeks along. labor and welcomed twin boys while on the loo at 32 weeks along. The amniotic sac for one of the twins, Neo, burst too soon and doctors broke the news that he wouldn't make it. To give his twin, Grayson, a fighting chance, Corinne made the tough decision to undergo a medical termination for one of the boys. But the day before the procedure, Corinne found herself delivering both babies alone in the bathroom, scooping them out of the toilet. The pair went to the neonatal ward. One weighed four pounds, six ounces. He was discharged after three weeks. The neo one was weighed two pounds, 14 ounces, has defied all odds. Despite doctor's fears, he wouldn't pull through, he's finally joined his brother at home after being discharged. I mean, what? She must have used the entire roll of toilet paper on that one.

This is literally dropping the kids off at the pool. Ah. You say it as a joke, and then it comes true true there is going to be no stopping these kids in swim class they're gonna be like man those twins they it's like they were born to do this survivors man jeez except every time they see a brown beach ball they're gonna have like flashbacks they well they say that you know it's the biggest fall from grace you're in the womb everything's taken care of and then it's like you're squirted out into this glaring light held upside down slapped this is maybe the most glaring wake-up call ever yeah right into the toilet you don't feel wanted uh you want to read this one um terror

group i oh yeah i remember just liking this headline this was from january 8th last year well this 2023 and it was terror group isis plots 2023. That was a real headline. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, ISIS and Aaron Rodgers working out together. Yeah, big resolution for the Jets and ISIS. Yeah. But they don't have much more time. Nope, they haven't really come back this year, have they?

I mean, I don't know all the complexities of the Middle East and what's going on there now, but I don't read a lot about ISIS. Let's see. Bomb more. Do those jungle gym things more. Take less shit from Shaheen. Who the fuck does he think he is? Get three more wives. All of that means I have to plan three honeymoons, three bachelor parties.

Is this the Chinese woman next to you on the plane? Yeah, that's her. You thought she was gone, but she's still in the episode. So she can do impressions. Yes, she can. Maybe you were doing an impression of her doing a bad impression of a Chinese person. It's layered. My comedy is layered.

Yeah. All right. of a chinese person it's layered my comedy is layered yeah um all right this is a uh oh yeah for jamie uh researchers show bodies of purported non-humans being being researchers shows bodies of purported non-human beings to Mexican Congress at UFO hearing. This was big news when it happened because a lot of people who follow these type of stories were like, this is the proof, finally, like through DNA. So this Mexican journalist, Jamie Maussan, said this is the most important discovery in the history of humankind. But for many scientists, these two tiny mummified bodies with elongated heads and three fingers on each hand, images of which were beamed around the world this week

when they were presented to Mexico's Congress, are an already debunked, perhaps criminal, stunt. I think it's an unbelievable story, though, because we just learned in this story that there are illegal aliens in Mexico in. Yeah. Ah, I don't know.

They, well, there's probably a ton and I'm just being very insensitive. Three fingers on each hand. That's, that's the gang sign for MS 13. No wonder they got killed. One of them had a bag of Coke

stuffed up his ass. Even I didn't believe in that joke. I fucking mailed that one in. All right, what are we doing? We're doing science. You blinded me. Let's see. Should we do that one? Extreme gene therapy for

alcoholism slashes drinking by 90% in monkeys. A form of gene therapy that is already being trialed in patients with Parkinson's disease might provide a one-off treatment for severe alcohol addiction. A study in macaque monkeys that were predisposed to heavy drinking found that it dramatically

curbed their alcohol consumption. Drinking went down to almost zero, said Professor Kathleen Grant at Oregon Health and Science University's something. For months on end, these animals would choose to drink water and just avoid drinking alcohol all together but back up the cause of the monkeys alcoholism probably the despondency about all the electrodes all over their skull yeah that's my guess right right and i don't know how they're not drinking now. By the way, the monkeys don't have Parkinson's. That's just, they jerk off a lot.

Oh, no. Maybe the Parkinson's patients were just spilling their martinis. That's why they stopped drinking as much. These alcoholic monkeys. I love this story so matt walsh uh host of the daily wires the matt walsh show recently sparked an uproar by expressing support for conversion therapy uh particularly gay gay therapy particularly controversial were his remarks concerning being born gay, which he mocked by suggesting the idea implies the existence of homosexual infants.

Quote, if people are born gay, like born gay, you're gay from birth, right? That's what that would mean. And then that means then what? Homosexual infants out there?

I mean, yes, that's why they get rid of the anal thermometer. Too many of them were clenching their cheeks, pushing back, snapping their thermometer in half. So, yes, they're born gay.

What does he think? It's learned behavior? It was with you, but I'm saying most gays I know are born that way. Yes. Why do you think so many of them throw up after you force a tit in their mouth and then i pointed out most babies are gay we did this story very recently i think so because i got some i got some letters about calling most babies gay. Oh. But I did say a very high percentage of them grow out of it. Yes.

With this therapy. Like 93% or something. 90? What is the... There's no telling what it is these days. But what was it? What do we think the best guess is? How many of us are gay?

What percentage? I think it's about 5%. You don't think it's 1 in 10? I'm going to say it's 6 or 7%. I'm going to look it up right now. What percentage of Americans... You click on a joke website and it just says you are... Gay. You click on a joke website and it just says you are.

7.2%. I nailed that. I think I said 93%. 7%. I think we probably have a higher percentage living in Los Angeles. Yeah. It's like 104%. And it's not that people are, not that gay people are

drawn to Los Angeles. It's the clothes you have to wear when you live there will turn you gay. Tight jeans. This is where Walsh is right. Yeah, I think LA does make some people gay. Yeah. Speaking of gay, sex therapist dr ruth westheimer was appointed new york state's first loneliness ambassador uh she wants to help new

yorkers with social isolation uh and with with physical and and mental health issues such as cardiovascular disease, depression. So Westheimer, a psychosexual therapist and author of 37 books, rose to prominence on TV and radio in the 80s and 90s. She left Germany, her home country, at age 10, having lost her family to the Holocaust. The 95-year-old Bronx resident suggested the idea of becoming an ambassador to provide advice on loneliness and isolation yeah she just sits with people who complain and says um were your parents exterminated in the holocaust no okay on your way she was born in the 20s born in the 20s i think if a woman from the 20s is put in charge of comforting me about my isolation i'm gonna feel worse yeah yeah i think that that's you had to

go back this far to a holocaust kid to get someone who can relate to what i'm going through that's what you're telling me. Yeah. I'm done. By the way, I don't know if anyone needs advice from a woman who sold 37 books and still lives in the Bronx. Yeah. You will meet me at my office. Just get off the Yankee Stadium stop on the 4 train dock and sprint for 237 Broadway. That wasn't bad. this chinese woman she channels nazis appear she's really taught you well um all right this is the sad part let's not cheer up here we go obituaries

and that's all folks now i don't know if this is a complete list you know you told me to grab names and i couldn't come up i couldn't find like a text list yet without descriptions or photos but every time i thought i had a good enough group like it was a sizable number, I'd then see another list with huge names on it. A lot of people died this year that we cared about. Matthew Perry died, and we're going to talk about the circumstances on... Oh, no, we did last week, because Cause yeah, last week we talked about Matthew Perry. It turns out he died of a ketamine overdose in his hot tub. Yeah. I have to learn about that. Well,

I guess I did last week. Is there a better way to die than nodding off in a nice buzzy ketamine high while surrounded by warm bubbly water i mean could be worse yes it could be i guess i'll i guess i'll agree with that but we got tina turner yeah lion o'neill recently tom sizemore we got henry ginger. We got Lisa Marie Presley, Jim Brand, Raquel Welch, Andre Brouwer. Who's that? Woman Lear recently. Huh? Who's Andre Brouwer?

Oh, he's the really sort of authoritarian black guy. Most known, I'm forgetting what he's most. He was in a TV series but you know him great actor and a ton of stuff you gonna look him up while I continue reading names nah I don't care oh god Norman Lear recently Bob Barker

Shane McGowan recently David Crosby Jimmy Buffett Tony Bennett Sinead O'Connor Robbie Robertson Alan Arkin, Burt Bacharach, Harry Belafonte, Jeff Beck. Oh, my God. We got, don't forget, Pee Wee Herman.

How about Tony Bennett? Did you say Tony Bennett already? Tony Bennett, Richard Roundtree, the Iron Sheik. Oh, yeah. And Belzer. Belzer's in, too. And also Kenny DeForest, who is a guy that I knew. He was a comedian who we had on Crashing.

He was on a really good episode of Crashing. I saw that. Yeah. He died on a city bike? Ironically, Crashing. Yeah. Oh, no. Don't do that.

I know. Oh, no. The poor guy. I know. It's very sad. He was very funny. He was on Seth Meyers. He was on James Corden.

And he was a comic that, he was a very interesting, alt-y comic. He was a comics comic, but he was starting to break out, and other people knew about him. Oh, cool. Yeah, it's very tragic. Aye, poor guy. Aye. Poor family. Jeez. I know. i know way to go yeah 37 man um all right are we doing funnies let's cheer up

and don't forget some people on my list could still kick it in the next couple of days. That's right. Well, listen, in a perfect world, we went back and looked at all the comics from the year and picked the best ones. In an imperfect world, we grabbed a couple right before we started taping. And you're listening to an imperfect world. And you're listening to an imperfect world. Hager the Horrible, one of his, it looks like this guy is like a pawn in the royal world,

and he's sitting out to dinner with a woman. It's actually Hager's daughter. And he goes, I think I'll have the grilled salmon. And he goes, what looks good to you? And she's staring at the ass of the waiter as he walks by. It's like if you're a woman in medieval times you ain't looking for it you're running from it yeah yeah i don't have any i mean that's all i'm gonna say is this a french restaurant look at him yeah he looks a little poofy.

Yeah, sometimes Hager puts people in clothing that's from centuries later. So she's very predatory too. I guess that's what we're learning, man. It's everywhere. Everybody. All right, then the Lockhorns are sitting in a marriage counselor, in front of a marriage counselor, and she says, I wouldn't say L leroy has changed since we got married more like mutated short good he's not happy about it not happy about it

i had to look twice at that guy's face the therapist's face or the marriage like it looks like he had three eyes for a second. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Okay. I put a legendary farsight in here, and it's a great one, which could be a commentary on today's changing climate. Anyway, these two cavemen come out of their cave, and there is a giant wall of ice in front of them. And one says to the other, say, fag, wall of ice closer today. They're looking at their fate just like we are.

It's like nine inches in front of them. It's about to close off the opening to the cave. It's like 40 feet high. It's a glacier that's encroaching on them and that's the end and that is the end we i looked for blondie today it was not inspired by any of them i can't uh i can't do one about fucking dagwood and i swear to god this guy's obsessed he's missing the point of his own comic strip and he keeps putting dagwood in there i won't even say i won't grace him by saying his name out loud especially because you don't know it i don't know it right so listen i want you guys again go to instagram follow me greg fitzsimmons put me over a hundred

thousand for the year 2024 that would be amazing also we want you to support the fine people over at game time if you go to the game time app then you can put in the code papers and get twenty dollars off you're also going to go to the fine people at omaha steaks you're already getting 50 off site wide you're going to get another 30 off your order when you use, what is it? Papers. Finally, our other sponsor, who we love so much, is a chance for you to just deepen your love for sports. Go to prizepix.com slash papers. And for a first deposit match, up to $100.

Mike, tomorrow is Christmas. I wish you a happy holiday holiday Where will you be celebrating? I like this pretend Christmas wishes I'm going to be right here in Los Angeles As will I Maybe we'll meet up for some eggnog I like that Can you cook eggnog?

Is there enough egg in the nog? Probably not A souffle? That's true I've never thought about that What if you put eggnog in the microwave to heat it. A souffle? That's true. I've never thought about that. What if you put eggnog in the microwave to heat it up, left it in too long, would you have an omelet? I want you to try it and then I want Aaron to call me and tell me how it went.

It reminds me of David Tell's joke. He's like, eggnog, because I like to get drunk, but I also like pancakes. Or as I call it, Elfcom. All right. Thanks to Midcoast Media. You guys did a great job. Next week, we will be doing our predictions for 2024. The next episode comes out on New Year's Eve, so we hope you'll tune in for that.

As always, at the end of the year, we want to just thank you guys for the support that we get. Not just the artwork and the songs, but just the people writing in and telling your friends about us. The koozies. Yeah. Oh, right. Not too late to buy a koozie for the New Year.

I've got to order more. I've got to order more. The demand has not stopped. Unbelievable. We sold out twice. We're on a third printing now. People love them. And I may bring some on the road.

So, you know, look for that. And you floated not splitting the proceeds with me, which was very interesting. I've mailed hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of these things. I did. I mailed as many as you did. No. Okay. Let's just go over ahead.

I came over for 10 minutes. You signed them and left, but also you will talk about this, uh, in the other podcast too, but it was like working with my stepbrother, Jeff, where I'm like,

well, you know what? I'll just do it. Um, you, I asked you to take self adhesive Jeff, where I'm like, you know what? I'll just do it. I asked you to take self-adhesive stamps. Just put them on. Comes back.

It's like halfway down the envelope. It's not even near the corner. It's like you were trying to get fired. All right. Well, that'll do it. Happy holidays, everybody. We'll talk to you next week. Happy holidays, everyone. Enjoy it. H it hugs all around go hug your family and what else should they do

i think they should uh is there any wordplay on take it ish um christmas each how was christmas ish yeah have a good christ-ish. There it is. All right. Extra, extra, read all about it on the Sunday paper show. They'll tell you everything you ever wanted or needed to know we can watch the world burn together

pretend it ain't so extra extra on the Sunday paper show