Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 197 12/31/23

Episode Date: December 31, 2023

Happy New Year from your good friends at Sunday Papers. We round out the year with talk about Spain and Christmas. A porn producer is in hot water (no not a hot tub) Chappelle walks off stage and Golden Globes winners are getting half million dollar gift bags.

I can't believe it's time for the Sunday Papers once again, but more importantly... We got collections, baby. Woo-oo-oo-oo-oo. We got collections, baby. Won't you read all about it? Read all about it! Read all about it! Hear ye, hear ye! End of the year this is it this is the

end of the year we did our we did our roundup a week early of the year you mean i thought it was one of the best podcasts we've ever done really well it's good as a highlight reel yeah well this one you're coughing we're coughing. We got a heart out. And we're teasing that next week is going to be our predictions for 2024. So hopefully in the first seven days of 2024, nothing happens that we would have predicted, like someone dying. We always have our death pool. We could record it earlier in the week.

We could. Yeah. Also, that brings us to, if you want us to weigh in and predict something, you know, we have the usual suspects, who's going to win the Super Bowl, who's going to win the Oscars, who's going to win the election.

Stock market, up or down. Maybe some personal stuff, like will I be in a relationship or where will Greg's stand up our air? Things like that. Yeah, that's good. We're going to come up with a bunch of stuff, but we'd love to hear from you guys. What would you like to see us predict for 2024? We got an election coming up, which I forgot about. Although you did. You're like, I pasted in the old one. You're like, well, some of these don't work. It's not an election year.

But wait a minute. Isn't it weird that obviously the elephant in the living room is, you know, whether or not Trump is just going to run? And I mean, if the election were to happen to not that I believe in polls anymore, but if it happened today, he would be reelected president. And I, that's kind of the thing that people are pretending isn't possible because otherwise there would be people in the streets already campaigning for anybody else. I don't watch the news anymore. So maybe

this is I haven't heard it, but maybe this has been talked to death already. I think and this is not partisan. I'm literally being just reporting the facts here. I think there's enough people who don't want Trump back that it might be the biggest voter turnout ever. And as Democrats have said so often, they need so few people, additional people to come out to secure a win. For the Democrats. Yeah. So I think we'd see, I mean, we already started to see it last time, you know, he ran, which is both times, you know, voter turnout campaigns, getting the vote out. Well, the biggest thing also is Robert Kennedy, who can be the kingmaker this year because

he's got a huge percentage. I don't know what it is. Chris, maybe you can look it up. But like in polls, he's pulling like 15 percent of the population. And that's clearly enough to swing the election in either direction because he's been a Democrat, but now he seems to have a lot of talking points that's, that skew a little more to the right and he's running as an independent.

So if he were to take this up to the, to the, to the red zone and then declare, that's it. He picks the winner. I can't have a president who has a voice that's similar to mine. And I can't listen to that voice. I know. I already have to hear this one. If he had a good voice, he would be a lock,

but that's it. I can't. How's he going to go toe to toe with, uh, who's the, who's the president of Canada? I mean... Oh, Trudeau?

Trudeau. That guy's beautiful voice. He trounce him in a debate. We got big issues with Canada right now. Whether or not maple syrup tariffs are going to come in. Whether or not their one famous music act of the decade is allowed to get citizenship. Other big issues with Canada.

All right. We recorded... When was the last time we recorded a week and a half ago two weeks ago right two weeks ago we've been through a lot yeah of good things a lot of i i was in spain which i loved oh yeah tell me all i've heard very little we haven't really spoken since you got back because you got back and then i left the next day for uh the desert right oh rfk 22 percent of the popular vote according to polls which are unreliable but still that's a fucking junk and i think we and we don't really knows more from trump than the uh. I don't know. I think there's a lot of people on the left that, I mean, forget the vaccination thing.

If you put that to the side, Kennedy has mostly, he's got some Republican talking points, but he's also got that last name. And there's a lot of people that don't read the headlines, don't look into issues, and they go, I have a hard-on for the Kennedys. Well, there's a lot of people that don't read the headlines, don't look into issues, and they go, I fucking, I have a hard on for the Kennedys.

Well, there's also, apparently, I've heard many people say, all right, listen, look into the crazy for yourself. See how crazy it is. It's probably too crazy for you. But what you can do is go to his website on the biggest issues for the country and see if they don't align with your values. Right. So I'm guessing they do. I think a lot. I like a lot of his platforms.

I think he's great, except for the crazy factor that could hurt him when they run ads. And there's a lot of people that, you know, majority of the country is not anti-vax and that could really hurt them. Anyway, we'll get to all of this next week. Let's talk more about Spain. Spain was amazing. What did you like?

What did you learn? Barcelona was great. Well, you know, what I learned is my family's not very curious and everyone in my family except me hates museums my dad might hate museums the most your dad i thought your dad would love museums he literally said to the girls they

were sitting on a bench because they just wouldn't walk i'm walking into rooms in these rooms there are picasso's like it's not like yeah let, let's go to a gallery in fucking Dallas and check out, you know, some think we've seen enough Picassos, haven't we? One. They had seen one Picasso. And I think what he meant by Picassos is paintings. I think that's what he meant. Like we've seen enough paintings. Oh, that's great.

Yeah. Your dad is so fucking hyper. I could see him not being able to settle down. He needs to keep moving. We would go on tours when i was younger like because he felt obligated like to so museum tours like you know what let's go this way i think we can go this way to literally my if it was in a movie you'd be like this is too over the top my my sister and i were very small we're kids probably you know around the 10 11 12 range and we're like but dad the tour is going this way he He's like, I know, but we're going to meet him. They're going to probably go this way. We'll

meet him in that room. Sister goes, dad, there's, there's a velvet, there's a rope. That room's closed. No, no, no. We go around though. I look, I'll tell you how to, I'll show you how to remove the rope. Like just a complete lunatic. Well, yeah. Does he, does he remind you of anybody? Does he remind you of the guy who calls United Airlines and books a one-way ticket to London so he can get into the waiting room? What do they call it? All rules don't apply to me. That was the valuable lesson he taught me. you actively look for a way around everything. Right. I mean, including selling pins that you are signing, sealing,

and delivering from your apartment. Oh, koozies, yeah. What did I say? Pins. Yeah. Because that's what you do. Yeah. Fuck, you're the same exact way.

I think I got the best combination of all. I got a little of that, you know, whatever you want to call it, that sort of, I don't know if it's chutzpah, but that run and gun've been in some of the greatest churches in the world like if if you can you know in italy all over italy and everything uh england for all over europe i'd say this is the best church i've ever been in my life which oh there's no question the gaudy designed uh i forget what the basilica gala i forget the name of it's the same but it's the gaudy basila i mean basically everyone knows to go there and it's the sagrada familia yes sagrada familia a name i cannot stick in my head but the idea is well he put the statues on the outside

also he was a complete lunatic gaudy and. And the more you see, you're like, did the city, was it kind of a running joke that they just let a lunatic keep building things? No, not only did he keep building it his entire life, it's still not done. It's been a hundred years and they're still building the cathedral. Oh, it's not done at all and they think it might be done in 2040 he died i think in the 20s yeah and when you look at when you look at the scope of the construction in those years where there was no there was no major electricity there was no fucking know, 20 story cranes. Right. I don't know how he did it.

And, but what was so, it's the most art, it's the most creative, I think, like, and the most artful. And I, everyone's going to kill me, right? Of course, Sistine Chapel, what could be more artful? But like, it's, so the idea was he put the statues on the outside along with just like putting a fruit on top of a spire like a fruit basket like really weird stuff but he didn't want statues to clutter inside and then inside are pillars that are not always perpendicular straight up and down they they move a little and then and the idea was he wanted the inside to echo a forest and it is so cool inside and the light and it's called I think it's called the Cathedral of Light or the Church of

Light and it's anyway it's amazing I saw they're having an exhibit there Miro and Picasso are basically both from Barcelona and um and so they had's, they each have a museum there and they had a dual exhibit. So you buy a pass and it's good for both in the same day. And, and my dad's head would have exploded. It's I've never seen that many Picasso's in my life. And Miro might be my new favorite artist. Yeah. There's a Picasso museum in Barcelona, which is his, and they have like the pencil sketches for all of his major artworks. It's incredible. And also like that church truly accomplishes what a church is supposed to do is you feel God. I don't care how atheist you are when you stand outside that church and then inside of it, you feel

something transcendent happening. Yeah. And it was great. And then Madrid, you know, had more of the energy of New York City, which I loved. And oh my God, do they take Christmas seriously. Oh yeah? Yeah. And then I walked all around. I went to the, what they claim to be the oldest restaurant in the world. And it's little bars. And George and I, my brother-in-law, who's great, we're always celebrating his birthday every year at this time. I mean, obviously, it's the same time every year, but it's two days before Christmas.

That's same as Aaron's. They have the same birthday. Yeah. And we went into these little vermouth these little vermouth bars and and and then in barcelona there was a sherry bar um and we're like i'm not really a fan of vermouth or sherry right loved both of them yeah they put a little water in them and it was amazing and i mean they're like it's like that know, when you think McSorley's is old and then you're in this place, you're like McSorley's is brand new.

Yeah. Well, I remember going to, um, we went to Barcelona. And Owen was on this U S soccer team. And we went to, we went to Spain for a bunch of tournaments.

And I remember the Cortados, the Cortado bars. This is B. Yeah. This is before anybody in the U.s had heard of cortados and they make them with it's the the greatest fucking coffee beans and then they put in like a uh uh what do you call that milk that's that's sweet condensed milk yeah they put in like a little condensed milk and me and my mother-in-law we were drinking like five a day it was just

just bounce because you get exhausted looking at these fucking museums, you know? Right. And so we would just get these little bursts of energy with this Cortados. And, uh, you know, it, Barcelona is, it's a little overrun. Was the tourism ridiculous? It wasn't so bad. I mean, maybe it's cause it was, you know, Christmas week. Uh, and in Madrid, you know, there's the famous Mercado.

And I was kind of like, well, what's the Mercado? I thought it might be like booths of merchandise stuff. So it's like the farmer's market, dare I say, on Fairfax and Third in L.A. where there's a bunch of like butchers, seafood, your seafood guy, your butchers, everything's on ice. But then they also serve you food like to eat there. And kind of like this is where third street, this is where all cities should take note. Every city should have a Mercado. It's it, it's kind of like a permanent firm farmer's market where your butcher guys, you know, they have hard booze with the ice. Like they don't,

it's not a pop-up and, but it's like a giant out like beer and wine mall and at least 10 places. And there was one stand that just served Aperol spritzes and the girls lost their minds. And then there was like the beer and there was no hard alcohol, but there was a vermouth, the Sherry's. And what we saw there coming full circle to what I was saying about it being Christmas week is we saw Madridians, if that's their name, but we saw the locals out partying and it was families like like my kids. Like there's no place in America where I've seen so many old people getting hammered together. Yeah, I think that's a very European thing. You see it in Italy. You definitely see it in Ireland. I mean, our country is the only one where it's like, there are bars. When you think

about bars in the US, it's literally, there are dives where it's underage drinkers. Everybody knows that you can get in under 21. Then you've got the college bars. Then you've got the right out of college bars. Then you've got, it's so segregated by age in this country. It's crazy. People over 40 don't go out in America. I mean, obviously some do, especially travelers. There's hotel bars. I get that.

And then there's restaurants and people. That's where Americans tend to do what they're drinking, I think. But that's not social. That's not very social. This was the most social thing groups would all of a sudden start singing like and then the other group over there starts talking to this group and it was just you got this charge out of it it was so social yeah well owen's in uh mexico now he spent his first month of his trip in gu and uh he sent pictures of families there like you know

they have these festivals where it's like mothers and fathers and grandparents and dogs and everybody's outside and fire fireworks are huge and then just street food which was like you know a tortilla with like a mixture of like orange and red and green, all kinds of crazy shit. He said it was the most delicious, I was going to say Mexican food. Yeah, of course. Yeah. And him and his buddy,

his buddy Gabriel, is just like this renaissance man. If you had to pick a kid you wanted your son to travel with, it's Gabriel fluent in Spanish has took his father's boat with Owen and sailed it to Catalina, the two of them. And then at night they went diving for lobsters that they grilled on board.

Oh no. And I saw where they, they dove. I remember when we were there together and there are great whites in the area. Just a fact. And and so he meets this girl. He got down there before Owen and he met this girl who's from Mexico and she invited him and his friend to Christmas dinner at their house in Mexico. And, you know, they're thinking, all right, this will be a sweet little like hacienda. What do you call A little Spanish, little Mexican house. So they get there for Christmas Eve. And it's the girl's father is the mayor of the town. They've got an enormous mansion. They have like 200 people over for Christmas.

They have like the most expensive tequila known to man. And they're just fucking pouring it. A DJ. They dance till 7 o'clock in the morning. The girls, he sent me pictures, are fucking these dark, black, shiny-haired, olive-skinned, gorgeous women, and they're hanging all over my son and Gabriel, and the family told him they could stay for a few more days,

and, I mean, he's having the time of his life and it's like hiking volcanoes during the day. And then like part staying in youth hostels that are literally on the sand on the beach where like the young people, they're all like his age, they're all like 23 and they go from each hostel has like a nightclub and you just stay up all night and then they he's

having it's it's unbelievable it's great cut to owen on the plane ride home with two kilos of cocaine up his ass you know that night that night at the hacienda wasn't exactly free it's just an italian accent that's weird in Mexico. I don't think I was doing any accent. That's the saddest part. Okay. Speaking of food. So, all right. In Madrid, Laura has, my sister has paella, which she doesn't really do because she's

not a seafood fan, but she got a vegetarian paella, which I'm sure they all rolled their eyes at. Anyway, loved it. I go back to my hotel room that night. I'm like, perfect. I had the hardest time finding a gift for her. Nailed it. Went online, ordered a paella pan, like a pretty good one that they'll have forever and all. Excellent. We go down to breakfast and George is there. Laura is not there at all. Laura exploded out of her head and her ass all night long with the most intense food

poisoning she thinks she's ever had oh my god that's the worst where she then couldn't even hear the word paella for the rest of the trip yeah so anyway it was under the tree when we got home. That was the gift. Cook some eggs in it, bitch. There is no worse feeling. I would imagine a kidney stone is, you know, I've had one of those. But food, bad food poisoning, you want to die. It was really bad. She was knocked out. Actually, I made a mistake.

That was in Barcelona. We took the train that day. The high speed trains by the way too fast definitely really fast really oh i was just thinking how is this not fly off the tracks all the time i don't know if it's like a like a do they have you know how like roller coasters have wheels under the rail as well so it won't fly off but like what if a kid puts out a log and the whole way I'm like, no cows, no cows, please no cows. Like we're going just through farmland. Yeah. How long is the train ride? 200 miles an hour. How long is the train ride? Two and a half hours. It used to take seven. So it's like 500 miles away.

I guess so. I think we were up towards 200 miles. I believe we like 500 miles away. I guess so. I think we were up towards 200 miles. I believe we were 200 miles an hour. Yeah, it was insane. That's crazy. Wow. And it didn't feel like it anyway, but on the train,

she got sick still. Like it was still going on the next day. It was terrible. So I was in Fort Worth, Texas last week and I got booed. Oh. Yeah. Just here's the thing about Texans. Like they just. I said I'm from California. Boo. The whole crap. Boo. I get that. I get that. Dude, why? You're hosting me in your city. I'm your guest. You came to see me. You paid to see me. Go for the ride. Just fucking get on board and go for the ride. I was thinking about that with, who was it that's kind of like, uh,

who was it? That's kind of like, um, I mean, when you, whatever, if you're going to see somebody just your, their politics don't have to match yours.

Booing you is fun though. I think that was what they were doing. It is fun. Um, I am in, where the fuck am I right now? I'm in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and I'll be here through new year's Eve.

If you're around, if you hear this podcast on Sunday New Year's Eve I will be at the Improv in Milwaukee big beautiful showroom holy shit I think it holds like four or five hundred people it was pretty packed last night actually and I'm not going to say they were all my fans I'm used to doing shows where like three quarters if not more of the people came to see me. Like fans of mine hear about the show on the podcast or my whatever promotion. This was like 10% of the people knew who I was. I think it's just a big week for comedy and they came out. So it was a very different experience like yeah i usually kind of have them in my pocket out of the gate because they're excited to see me this was like boom

and boomy uh and this was like i had to i had to establish who i was which was kind of good in a way because you know you're obviously um's, it's more of an even playing field, but, um, it was fucking, it was work. And the guy that I'm working with, Dion Curry, who's a great comic who I bring on the road with me a lot. Um, he, uh, smokes pot now. He never smoked pot his whole life and he started a month ago and now he gets high before he goes on stage. He's like, Greg, I'm telling you, it opens your mind. You'll go places that you didn't think you could go. And so I'm going to tonight on the late show.

I'm going to get high and then go on stage. Oh, no. All right. You think it's a bad idea? No, the late show is probably, you you know maybe you always are incredibly present so maybe you share that yeah tell at least at some point if it feels right yeah yeah yeah i think as soon as i fuck up which i will i'll just say sorry i've never been high on stage before but i thought i'd try sorry i'm 20 minutes late listen guys right right out of the gate um one quick story

i want to tell. So on the plane ride back from Spain, it's like, you know, a little under 12 hours. And there's a guy next to me and he's kind of flamboyantly gay. And he's on his he's there with a dog. And it's a Frenchie, a French bulldog. And he is so fawning. It's the gayest thing I've ever seen, but like so fawning over this dog and everything was like, he's so worried about the dog and it was

preposterous. And so anyway, I would look over, but I would constantly hear things. The dog dropped in blankets and it wasn't until about an hour and a half in, I realized, and this is true, the dude was in the middle seat and he gave the dog the aisle seat. What? Because the dog was right near me and everyone who went by stopped and pet it

and all that stuff. But I didn't even put that together because there was so much movement and everything because he had he had it surrounded by pillows and i'm surprised you have an eye mask for the fucking thing um it was well we're gonna talk about a couple of gay guys later and their dogs oh that but you're the viral video of the gay guys is fan screaming at american airlines is great fantastic um all right well by the way i want to thank you guys i last is screaming at American Airlines is fantastic. All right.

Well, by the way, I want to thank you guys. Last time we were on the air, I told you that my Instagram follower, I was at 98,500. I said I wanted to get 100,000 by New Year's, by the new year. So you will have one day left to follow me. And right now I am at, I went from 98,500 to I'm now at 99,600. So if you could push me over the top, go to Greg Fitzsimmons on Instagram,

throw me a follow. Let's get to 100,000. And if we get there, I will show my balls on the next podcast. Wo next podcast. Aren't you supposed to give people a reward when they help you? Yeah, I guess positive reinforcement and people, I, my, my goal has been solved. People pushed me. I have over 3,500 followers now. So I did it. Well, maybe you should do a shout out to your followers to follow me. That would be nice. I don't think there's anyone who follows me that doesn't follow you. But I guess I should show my balls maybe next week.

If you get there, we'll blow four balls. We're promising four balls. Four shaved balls. Four shaved balls and a cock with a vein on the shaft. No, no, no. Logo this week comes from, well, actually I put down two. You get to choose which one we use on the show.

Matt A's or Irish Shane's. Considering it's New Year's Eve, which one looks more New Year's Eve-y? I'd say the second, right? The tuxedos? All right, so Irish Shane, and I believe that's from... The Entertainer? from... The Entertainer?

Is it The Entertainer or is it Butch Cassidy? It's Paul Newman and Robert Redford. I think that's when they're running their illegal gambling operation. Okay. Is it called The Entertainer? Am I spacing out? That was the song. The Sting? The Sting. Sorry, The Sting. Yeah. Could be The Sting. Well, somebody can let us know. And Matt A will do you next week. Thank you all for your submissions. And as always, it's a new year. We need a lot of new songs. We need a lot of new logos. Put on your creative hats. Get into your workshops.

Send them over to FitzDawgRadio at gmail.com or just go to the FitzDawg website and you can email from there to us and we will appreciate you so much. It's just so amazing looking back at how many years we've been doing this podcast and every single episode, we've had a piece of art from you guys to present two pieces of the

song they said it could be done uh the song uh from adam copeland it is uh again uh you don't have to be a great musician i'm not that's on the back end of come on adam Come on, Adam's fantastic. You don't need a high-tech recording studio. You just need passion for the show. It comes through and people love it. Corrections. Donovan S. says, in regards to your comments about the show Jersey Shore, the people of New Jersey are not really that upset about the show because everyone knows every single one of them was from New York, with the exception of Sammy. Anywhere you go on vacation, you always know if there are New Yorkers. They are incredibly obnoxious. Well, Donovan, we will send you more. We have a lot of extra Italians in the Bronx and

Staten Island and New Rochelle, and we will put them on a high-speed train and get them down to montauk not montauk manisquan uh hugh o'connor says uh joa quinn phoenix pronounces his name joaquin uh yeah yeah i got about 25 people correcting my pronunciation at joaquin are you fucking serious did you guys really think that that's how i thought his name was pronounced i think at this point they did at this point they did i think yeah he says sometimes i have a hard time when i see oaxaca in print which for some reason I pronounce Oaxaca. It is pronounced Oaxaca. O-A-X-A-C-A is Oaxaca.

You got it right, Hugh O'Connor. Hugh O'Connor. Yeah. Oaxaca. Mike Zakara says, just a reminder, your producer's name is Chris Denman. You've referred to him as Mike Denman on at least two separate episodes. Love you both. Love the koozie even more.

I had a producer for many years named Mike and I confused the two. Chris Denman, my apologies. We value you. We treasure you. We mock you. We're you. We mock you.

We're attracted to you. He's the den man. He's the den man. You got that part right. Tour dates coming up. Den Theater in Chicago, January 13th. Get your tickets. It's going to sell out.

Atlanta Punchline, January 18th through 20th. Portland Helium, February 22nd through the 24th. La Jolla at the comedy store, Tampa side splitters coming up the month after that. Also, we want to talk to you about, Oh, you're going to buy some tickets.

You're going to new Orleans, Mike. Come on, man. I'm looking up new Orleans right now. I'm heading there. We're talking about game time in case you don't know an hour. And, uh, how do I get, hold on here.

New Orleans Pelicans. No, no, but there's a bunch of, hold on, let me put this in here. Oh, it's searching for events. Got it. Hold on a minute. Oh, you know what it is? It's stuck on Germany

because I opened Game Time when I was in Spain. So what can we see? This is internet. Game Time when I was in Spain. So what can we see? This is internet. Game Time is international? International, dude. Oh my God. Why don't they list that in the, because we have listeners all over the world.

But if you want to find tickets to sporting events, theater, comedy. So here's Nashville. The Music City Bowl, a college bowl game with auburn in it 39 bucks that's today at 1 p.m by the way um then there's the titans uh the jaguars at the titans the titan home game 33 bucks but it's gonna go down and then i'm gonna look up while you do some reading here i'm gonna look up uh new orleans all here. I'm going to look up New Orleans. All right, listen.

It is such a no-brainer. We have a lot of sponsors on this show. This is one that we are passionate about. We use it all the time. Game time is the fast, easy way to buy tickets. Sports, music, comedy, everything you can see. And it's last-minute deals, all-in prices. You can get a view from the seats of what your seat is going to look

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and he's playing there three nights, and he's playing New Year's Eve also, and the Sugar Bowl is down there. Let me see. The Sugar Bowl is the second biggest game in the country, and right now tickets are $217. This is on Januaryuary 1st and i'm waiting till that bad boy goes down who's playing yep oh we're talking about it down here in the sports section later okay all right so take the guesswork out of buying tickets with game time download the game time app create

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They get the 15-minute or less meals, feel-good food, big batch faves. Get it all. And now get a meal for $1.49 plus $1 steaks for life by going to everyplate.com slash podcast and enter code 49PAPERS, and you're going to get the $1 steak deal with the subscription. It's the most affordable meal kit plan out there. It's really great. It's up to $110 value, so do it now. All right.

We are going to get into all this stuff. I can't wait to do the predictions next week. Maybe we should enlist our listeners to make predictions, too. What's that? Yeah, well, we asked for suggestions. I don't have paper. You got paper? I got some paper. Hold on. Hold on. I got a wrapper here. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra!

Front page. Why don't you read this because it's a Florida woman, even though it's in the front page section. Florida woman filed a $5 million federal class action lawsuit against the Hershey Chocolate Company, claiming that its seasonal Reese's treats were deceptively marketed because they didn't have faces. Oh, I want five million. According to the lawsuit, Cynthia Kelly sued the Hershey's company because its Jack O'Lantern treats were advertised with a mouth and eye drops on the packaging, but didn't have any

on the actual chocolates. In addition to Jack-o'-lantern, the class action also included Reese's peanut butter pumpkins, Reese's white pumpkins. Okay, there's a lot of Reese's here. I'm not going to read them all. All the way down to the peanut butter shapes assortments. So how does she get the idea? I want to read the lawsuit quite honestly yeah i mean what were the damages what were the emotional damage first of all the candy's free all you do is go to people's houses and you get it for free so what are you complaining about yeah and and also what's

with the wanting faces on your kid's food? I don't want fucking faces on the food. What kind of sicko wants to humanize what their child is eating? I'm very upset that blood doesn't squirt out when you bite into it. There's no veins. There should be a screaming noise. I want $5 million. And I had a perfect meal planned out. My children, they just eat lobster faces.

And then we finish with a nice dessert where there's other cute faces on the desserts. Right, right. What? It's just crazy. I got to think of some lawsuit. My mother, by the way, has qualified for two solid lawsuits, but she's very Catholic. I begged her to go through with one, and I'm not a litigious guy.

Well, one of them was she was at her car dealership, and the garage door came down, hit her in the head, and she was knocked unconscious and had pains in her head for two months and 15. And the place shit a brick

and apologized profusely because it was clearly their fault. And then when she didn't sue, they didn't pay all her medical costs. This was a multi-million dollar deal. She's an 83-year-old woman. Are you fucking? And then she got heart surgery and they put the implant in wrong, her pacemaker. They had to crack her ribs open again and redo the entire thing yeah another

doctor found it and goes they did this wrong they put it in the wrong valve or whatever it was right i mean these are slam dunks and this was money in my pocket yeah eventually especially if that other one doesn't take you know the other valve do you know i'm the executor of my mom's will do you know how awful that is you get paid by law oh do i oh that's pretty sweet no but i remember the first time i heard it the first time i heard about it i then learned that they were getting paid i'm like what a dick he's one of the he's one of the brothers and then i heard it's like a law i guess in some states well i think it's a lot of fucking work i would gladly pay my sister or brother to do it but i'm also i'm the executor

which means i also have to tell them they're getting less money than me. And that's going to be awkward. All right. All right. Let's get on to a form. I don't know if we did this story. Did we do this story? Did you read this? Pennsylvania guy? Yeah. I don't think. No, the woman who punched. No, no, I don't think we did. All right. A former Republican candidate for lieutenant governor in Pennsylvania and a right wing parental rights activist allegedly slugged a teenager in the face and fed underage minors booze at a birthday bash she threw for her daughter. That's what you do. My mom used to just bring down buckets of ice. These kids have a lot of rights, the right to party, the right to drink,

the right to get punched in the face. Right. I bet they had chocolate with faces on it. And Clarice Schillinger punched a 16-year-old boy in the face three times. First of all, if you're a 16-year-old boy, I can see letting a 36-year-old woman get in one sucker punch. How'd she get the other two in? Especially that third one. Shame, shame on you.

So she got a charge with simple assault, harassment, and providing alcohol to minors. Also, her boyfriend faces charges for simple assault and harassment. The intoxicated mother hit a teen in the eye, and the ex-bo is accused of punching the same teen in the face and assaulting another young attendee. Tell me this videotape of this. That would be, it sounds like the check-in area for Spirit Airlines.

That's the vision I have for this. Yeah. I would say if this girl had another party, a lot of people are coming. Yeah, this is like out of euphoria this is like a party a high school party out of euphoria yeah i remember i used to have parties a lot because we had this crazy basement it was just old worn out tiles and a pool table oh i was down there yeah oh yeah and we would have these parties and the whole fucking town would come. We used to get three kegs.

We would kill three half kegs. It was fucking insane. And one time this kid pulled a knife. Dave Vada pulled a knife on somebody. He later pulled a gun on somebody else. And I remember like a big fucking fight broke out. And everybody and my father came down. and I remember like, uh, a big fucking fight broke out and, and everybody, and my,

my father came down. My father was a big, big fucking tough guy. And he's just started throwing people out. But then the party continued. We threw out the guy with the knife and kept going. We had kegs to kill. Can't believe your dad was home while all those kegs were being killed.

Oh no. He would hang out at the keg with my friends he would drink with us oh well it's better than punching him in the face right um here is a new story here we go porn producer you want to read this mike what's that yeah sorry you're breaking up a little porn producer michael lucas signs israeli rocket So this porn guy autographed an Israeli rocket. And now he's facing a boycott from the adult film stars. Wait, Michael Lucas, didn't he do Star Wars? Right.

A pro-Israel adult film producer says his career is being targeted by pro-Palestinian porn stars because he tweeted an image of an Israeli defense force missile he signed. Ha ha ha, I actually asked to write my name, Michael Lucas 51, owner of porn production shop Lucas Entertainment. Hold on now. Maybe it's just Wookiees fucking all day. How does he get the name Lucas Entertainment?

Yeah. You would think George Lucas would sue him, even knowing he wouldn't win. You could tie it up in the courts and it would cost George hardly anything. Well, especially when he put out Return of the Red Eye. I thought that that was a little on the nose. So he tweeted on December 17th

and it was with an image of the signed projectile. The backlash was swift. Anyone who thinks writing notes on missiles 17th and it was with an image of the signed projectile. Uh, the backlash was swift. Anyone who thinks writing notes on missiles is some kind of sick flex is an accessory to murder and genocide of innocent Palestinian civilians. In my book, an Iranian American porn star, um,

told is more than, I noticed you skipped over the name. You're not going to read the name. Sharak. Mustnavanajad. That must be their stage name. Oh, Sharak Maznavanajad. Give me your rock hard cock. Sharak me.

Yeah, he has over 800,000 followers on X, though. Look at that. Wow. And then there's a boycotts, boycott Lucas entertainment. I'm sure that one's going to be misunderstood. Everyone's going to stop watching the latest star Wars. Yeah. Let's, let's overlook the, uh, this, the 17 year old runaways coming into fucking LA

on a Greyhound that are swept up and put in a room with guys jacking off in their faces an hour later. Let's overlook that over a photo he took of a missile. Yeah, let's dig in on this issue in terms of human rights and dignity. Is it one of those things where, you know, all those jokes where you get a tattoo or you sign the penis, but it becomes a different word when the penis gets, it's almost like one of those. That's what I got reminded of. Yeah. That was that great old joke. Yeah. It's a word that works when it's abbreviated as well. I heard a good joke. This guy walks in the front door and his wife looks up and the guy's got a

pig under his arm. And the man says, this is the pig i've been fucking and the wife goes you're fucking a pig and the guy goes who's talking to you yeah it's an old one right it's chestnut it's a yeah it's it's a good it's an oldie but a goodie speaking of which let's get into entertainment Here we go. Another oldie and goodie, Dave Chappelle bought the laughs Wednesday night at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel in Hollywood, Florida, but wasn't amused when someone in the audience was using a cell phone to record him. Chappelle cut short his show after catching the man in the act, calling him out and alerting him to security before scolding the audience and walking off the stage, shaking his head in apparent anger. It happened near the end of the performance. He noticed the man recording.

He admonished him. So, I mean, here's the thing. When you're Chappelle, they always put the phones in like a lockable sleeve. Yep. And apparently they all have to sign NDAs. No. I didn't sign any. But that's next.

I don't think. That's next. No, that's next. The NDAs will be next. But I do think when you buy the tickets, in a way, I might be wrong, because I saw them here in Nashville. way I might be wrong because I saw him here in Nashville there's like it's almost like a contract to follow the you know to follow the rules and his rule is no recording well I'll tell you what I would love for people to record me during my show and put it online I need some video there's

so many guys do you know how many guys like Bert they bring a whole camera crew on the road to videotape their shows and put it online. I need someone to do that for me. Yeah, illegally. And then it'll give you the excuse to walk off early too if you're just not feeling it that night. Oh, nice. Especially when I'm high and getting paranoid. And off. What if I get high and I get paranoid on stage?

Why are all these people looking at me? I'm betting that's going to happen. Winners at the 2024 Golden Globes will be scoring more than just a coveted statuette at the ceremony. Victors and presenters will also be racking up the riches with an opulent swag bag that costs, ready for this,

more than $500,000. It's ridiculous. This will air on January 7th, hosted by comedian Joe Coy, which apparently, not their first choice. There's a whole thing now where like, I think a lot of people don't want to host award shows because it's a lot of fucking work. You got to write jokes for months. Oh, I've been on so many of them. Yeah. And you say the wrong thing and you get lambasted in the press and it's, they're not good. The Golden Globes, they're all drinking and they're not paying attention. So it's a tough audience.

And, uh, and then of course the golden globes is very controversial because they didn't have any black voters. So they had like one black voter out of a hundred. And so they actually didn't, they didn't air it. Was it last year or the year before they didn't air it? I think it was two years ago. I think maybe it came back last year. So no offense to Joe Coy, but he wasn't the first choice. Who hosted it? Well, of course, it's a diverse host now. It was Gerard Carmichael.

Gerard, right. He was awful. Well, yeah, he tried something different. He was very casual about it. He also talked about how racist they were. That part was good. Right, so I liked that part. So it went from Gerard and now to Joe Coy. He also talked about how racist they were. That part was good. Right. So I liked that part.

So it went from Gerard and now to Joe Coy. So yeah. But those gift bags, get this. So I wrote on the Oscars twice. And the first time I did, it was the first year ever there was not a gift bag. And the writers used to get the gift bags no yes and i forgot who hosted it so the reason they went away is george clooney went like looked through his gift bag and talked about how ridiculous it was and then he said i think this is how it went down he

was like is everyone paying taxes on this? Because it was hundreds of thousands of dollars. Yeah. Right. And I was like, how does it get to like, is there a Rolex in there? So there were watches, but the way it really ran up to a high number was I think in the one, I think it was Jeff Stilson, maybe a great writer. He wrote, maybe it was even Chris Rock who hosted. I'm trying to remember who it was. And they, I think Chuck Sklar too, they got gift bags and there were at least five vacations in there. Damn. Yeah.

Now when there's jewelry, they said everybody gets a pair of Emererald earrings worth $69,000. They're getting $500 worth of caviar, a tattoo parlor, a trip to Ireland. But a half a million dollars. And yeah, I wonder if you do. And I'm guessing the gifts skew a little white. I think caviar, trip to Ireland. These are not, they're not courting the one black member of the Academy here. They really haven't gotten that diversity note.

It hasn't trickled down to the gift bag yet. Rollerblades? That doesn't seem like something. Tiki torches? Why would they, do they even fit in a gift bag? Sunblock? That's not for everybody. Oh, I did see that.

Did you see? There was a viral thing that came across my feed, and the person was like, tell me this isn't true. Tell me. And it was a CVS in some crime crime ridden area and they had locked up i guess they're getting tons of shit stolen but they had locked stuff up and he's like look at this aisle everything is locked up except the sunblock and he was like tell me this isn't true tell me

tell me i'm just imagining this. I think here's what they should do. Get rid of the gift basket. Here's the rule. Everybody that wins gets to pick one person from the audience and bring them home for 24 hours to do with them what they like. And then you return them, no questions asked. Yeah, it could be in a giant gift bag, a gift sack where you tie them up, bring them back. All right, speaking of that.

Let's make America Florida. We're going to do this. A man's angry outburst at the Charlotte airport goes viral. We teased this earlier. A Florida man trying to get home to the Fort Lauderdale airport got a little dramatic when the flight was canceled. He was his traveling companion, who's his husband, who was originally. Oh, he was also. All right. I'm not even going to read anymore. I see this viral video and this guy starts flipping out and he starts going, all right, ladies and gentlemen, he's very flamboyant ladies and gentlemen he's like american airlines has totally fucked me and starts screaming and

then another guy and then you notice they both have horizontally striped shirts on which are sort of matching and then the guy's like calm calm down. He's trying to calm them down. And they're both so flamboyant. And so I went and watched the video. And by the way, when a guy tries to calm them down, he violently throws his hands off them and continues his tirade and paced violently. And the guy trying to calm them down is like, remember your girls, remember the girls,

remember your girls. I'm like what wait what is happening here and guy goes i don't give a shit and he goes you don't care about the girls you don't care about the girls shelby and dolly and i'm like wait what is happening so apparently it's been confirmed the girls are their dogs at home of course and dolly and then the guy the best was the guy at one point starts talking and it looked like he was maybe apologizing and he leaned in and this woman is sitting in a wheelchair there and he leans and he starts talking to the woman the wheelchair he's like listen we're all trying to get home. And she goes, please step away. And it stops him in his tracks.

And he looks at her and leans back and he goes, fuck you, bitch. Fuck you, bitch. And he starts screaming, fuck you, bitch, to a woman in a wheelchair. Oh, my God. And like screaming, fuck you, bitch, to an old lady in a wheelchair at Christmas. Kind of what the internet was created for. Yes. Good sales on airline tickets, finding a hotel in Nigeria, and fuck you bitch to an old lady in a wheelchair.

Yeah. Apparently it's just canine girls who these two have respect for, not ones in a wheelchair. Well, if you see the video, it sets the gay movement back several decades. It makes you go, all right, I kind of get what Ron DeSantis is doing. Yeah, all right. How badly do these girls need them home?

They're also, they're animals. It's exactly like the guy who gave his aisle seat to his dog and was cramped in a 12-hour flight in the middle. Yeah. All right, well, listen, Mike, we made America Florida. Let's make Australia Florida. Here we go. Australia man puts on 10 pairs of underpants in 13.03 seconds. That was the headline. I read it.

I cut and pasted it right in this document. An Australian man said it took six months of training to break it, to break an unusual world record. The fastest time to put on 10 pairs of underpants. The fastest time to put on 10 pairs of underpants. It was 13 seconds. Previous record. There was none. I'm imagining this is the first time anyone tried to break this record. This made up record.

Cosby set the record for taking them off the fastest. Oh, I thought it was your mom and your little league locker room. Wait a minute. What? Yeah. My mother used to take my underwear off. No,

no, you would. She'd force you to watch, but she did it to the other eight guys on the team. Maybe it wasn't a record cause it wasn't 10. I don't know. I think I set the record for taking the bra off the slowest. I was 13. I was at Rockwood state Park with Claire Levy, drank an eight pack,

and six minutes and 23 seconds. Got carpal tunnel in my wrist. Took so long. Perfect. But those titties were worth it. I guess this is the record, and it seems like 13.03 is going to be broken, don't we think? Well, I'll tell you this, and I'm not making this up. I sold a show to the Game Show Network this year for,

and it was based on the Guinness Book of World Records. And so when we did the pilot, that was one of the things we did was putting on the most T-shirts in a certain amount of time. And so I'm sure this record has been challenged many times. And the pilot, not picked up.

They shattered the record of fastest rejection ever. They also shattered the record for least amount of money paid to develop a project. Yeah, I'm sure they shattered that. All right, on to sports. So the real, no real jokes or stories here, except this. We got, I mean, it's today when this airs. No, tomorrow's New Year's.

I don't even know what goddamn day it is. So Monday, New Year's Day, Michigan versus Alabama. That's the number one versus the number four. And then we got the Sugar Bowl, which is Texas number three versus Washington number two. And so this is going to be, let me take a look at the count. It's going to be Monday. Yeah. I would rather watch women's badminton from Austria. Come on, Rose Bowl. You're not going to watch Michigan beat the villain Alabama. Who cares? Oh, they're the villain because your daughter goes to Michigan. No, most people hate Alabama. They're a very hateable squad. Now,

don't get me wrong. Michigan's really trying to catch up to them with all the cheating and stuff, but they're supposedly close games. I mean, they're quite on the point spread. Yeah, but I just think that it's so impossible. I have a hard enough keeping track of professional football team with the amount of trades, but with college, not only do they graduate every four years, so you get a whole new team, but now they're trading teams because they're getting paid and they're

stealing players from other schools. How the fuck do you keep your, all right, let me tell me this, Mike Gibbons, Michigan fan name, three players. No,

go ahead. Name three players from Michigan. I'm not a Michigan fan. No, go ahead. Name three players from Michigan. Oh, I probably could. That quick little running back. You got the white quarterback. And I love the tight end. Another white dude.

Exactly my point. Exactly my point. Yeah. All right. Let's get. Know what's fun to do? Is look up the ages of some of the star college players. You'd be surprised.

They're in their mid-20s. Oh, really? Yeah. The old red shirt. They should call them gray hairs. Right, exactly. Bit of red shirts. Maybe Oregon's QB's been around the block a few times. Might be 24.

I'm not sure. Nice. Yeah. All right. Let's get to international. You got it, Pally. Let's see. Do we have anything here?

All right. So an American couple has been stranded in Turkey and could soon be homeless if they do not receive an $80,000 refund for their three-year cruise they booked that fell through. They kept leading us on until we were supposed to depart. And it's called Life at Sea. This was a hugely popular idea. They sold everything to make this dream happen. We feel completely defeated. They promised a three-year bucket list cruise with prices starting at $90,000

and rocketing up to $975,000 for a suite. By the way, have you seen a suite in a cruise ship? It's half the size of my hotel room. As of November 1st, launch date got closer. There were concerns about the quality of the ship, that it was not adequately fitted for this journey. And they were even told by an engineer that the ship did not have enough fuel to cross the Atlantic. So, first of all, I'd like to see these two morons. They're going to be homeless. They took their retirement savings for a three-year jaunt after working their entire lives. And I want to see these two morons in a soup line, standing behind the single mom who lost her job,

the schizophrenic who's yelling at himself, and the abused runaway. Hey, how'd you guys get here? Well, we sold our house because we love all-you-can-eat shrimp bars and watered-down cocktails. Seemed like a good idea to blow our retirement on a cabin where you can only fit your luggage under your rock-hard cot and visit cities so played out that they hate the tourists.

Seemed like a good idea at the time. I can't believe the ship doesn't have enough fuel to get across, whatever that detail was, across the Atlantic. I thought most cruise ships ran on diarrhea. So they're very green that way. They're self-sufficient and there's an endless supply of it. Not to mention the weight of the average passenger times a thousand passengers.

That's a lot of fuel. That's a lot of fuel is right. Who would, it's, all right. I could understand to some people who are fans of the cruise concept, that would sound good. Like three years of something like we love. I think aren't even they three years

dude at sea that is insane because ports which are worse i mean are they going are they repeating any stops or are you going because when you go to any place that hosts a cruise ship is so sick of tourists. You are seeing the same trinket shops. You're seeing the same fucking West African guy selling dolls. You know, diarrhea constant. Constant. Anyway, let's get to science. Let's skip science and go to... Oh, no, we got one in science.

Science and health. The category is science and health. Oh, good. The club will clarify that. Okay. Okay. Magnetic balls sold online by Walmart have been recalled for being an ingestion hazard for children.

How many years do we have to have like companies that not figure out that you don't put something that, um, so this magnet stones building blocks do not meet the federal regulations. Uh, the spherical magnets sold online exclusively by Walmart are stronger than permitted and one or more fit within the agency's small part cylinder, which is approximately the size of a young child's throat. When high-powered magnets are swallowed, the ingested magnets can attract each other

or to another metal object and become lodged in the digestive system this can result in twisting or blockage of the intestines infection blood poisoning and death merry christmas billy so but weaker magnets are fine that children swallow yeah well with the strong ones, it's like, well, why is Billy hugging the fridge? He's been hugging the fridge for like an hour and a half since we gave his presents.

All the silverware flies down there. Billy, why do you have my watch on your stomach? Give me my fucking watch back. That's not funny. All right, I have to get this barking dog the fuck out of here. Hold on one second.

I can't even hear him. Oh, really? Yeah. All right, you do that. I'll read the next story. All right. But then you won't know what it is. No, I can multitask, man.

All right. Workers at a popular chip company have allegedly been experiencing skin irritation and difficulty breathing due to a flaming hot seasoning, a union has claimed. The United Workers Union claims workers at Smith's Chips Factory in Adelaide have raised concerns over the substances used to flavor Doritos' Flamin' Hot Corn Chips. Doritos states their Flamin' Hot Supreme Corn Chips marketed for their spiciness bring a bold, cheesy taste with full flavor. Ignite your taste buds with Flamin' Hot Cheese Supreme, the back of the package reads. I was kind of listening. What are these, Cheetos magnets?

They're Doritos. Oh, sorry. Yeah, they're Doritos that are so hot that the skin of the workers is burning off. I mean, is that what kids really are? Kids are into hot stuff these days. No, it's a whole thing they really are and first of all everyone is and i did notice that you would think in spain uh i i think america is overdoing it with the spices more than even countries that are well known for having spicy food right and also am i wrong i mean my feeling is first of all i'm a lightweight when it comes to spices

it's no surprise there so fine but it's kind of like oh give me your whatever food it is do you have chalua or whatever the four top spices are do you have that because i am going to fucking empty half the bottle on there and it's like one isn't that now you're not even tasting what the food was meant to be tasted like right it's almost like would you do that with salt no that's with mounds of it on there yes spices are meant to get your salivary glands going it's sort of like it accentuates the food it brings out the flavor in the food but we were at a mexican restaurant in san die Diego a few weeks ago with my nephew who was in the Navy SEALs or almost. And toughest guy I ever met. And they said they have a pepper that they won't give to anybody.

And he demanded they bring it to him. And he didn't take a bite of it. He put the whole fucking thing in his mouth. And he started asphyxiating. Is that when he can't breathe he couldn't breathe he had to leave the restaurant he was tears rolling down his face coughing it took him like 20 minutes to get normal again it was i forget what it was called um it's some famous chili um not a ghost pepper is it maybe it was a ghost pepper. Yeah. Well, there's hotter where they keep developing or finding hotter ones.

Yeah. But I don't get it. And I know it makes me sound like the oldest white guy in the world, but I really, I just don't get the excessive spices that, you know, hot spices that people are putting on. I don't get the hot spices. I don't get the cold plunge. I don't get the triathlons.

Life is pleasant. Just live it and die. All this other stuff. The heavy breathing till you cry excessively. That also. Come on. All right. Well, I know you're on a time clock,

so let's get to the obituaries. Yeah, I got to run to the airport. And that's all, folks. And that's all, folks. Tom Smothers was half of the innovative comedy folk duo, the Smother Brothers, with his brother Dick. You know, they started as folk singers. They weren't comedians at first.

And they got really big in the 50s in San Francisco at the Purple Onion, the famous Purple Onion, which is actually the club where a lot of famous comedians got started. Joan Rivers started there, Lenny Bruce. And so anyway, they got pretty big and they played Jack Parr, Judy Garland's show, and then they got their own TV show. And it was in the form of a sitcom, The Smothers Brothers Show, which didn't work. So then they made it into The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour. They were so innovative. They were doing political satire on the air like nobody had ever done it before. And they went hard.

And they were constantly getting notes notes from cbs that they ignored they were really ballsy they had on music they had the doors on simon and garfunkel ray charles joan baez the who um so it had a lot of young viewers and it was really like you know people like i'm a big believer that comedy should should just be funny and with few exceptions. And they are one of the exceptions. There are some people that have really delivered a message with their comedy that might have actually gotten through to people. Oh, they dug in and threatened to walk. And I think they did walk. They did walk. Yeah. Against the censorship. Yeah. And they they were did walk. They did walk, yeah. Against the censorship, yeah.

And they were really well known for that. Like they wanted, it was very, their satire was very, very important to them. And I think at that time, I mean, they made a lot of noise that way. And I think, I don't know, there was just such integrity about what they did. They're really impressive.

And just very funny. And they didn't ultimately get canceled by CBS, but they had full careers after that. They did a lot of TV and movies and really set the stage for a lot of comedy that followed, from Mr. Show to a lot of the stand-up comics at the time took their cue from them about political stuff, Mort Sahl and all the San Francisco guys. I think Steve Martin, one of Steve Martin's first

jobs was writing on that show. Oh, no shit. Really? I believe. Yeah. And who else did he, he met someone there. Might've been Dave Osborne. I mean, super dave i forgot what it is but it was well known it was like a very good it was the highest writing comedy writing uh gig at the time could it have been richard pryor i don't think although i don't know but we should look that up but anyway the famous you know explosion after my generation with the who that performance, that's their show. That's the Smothers Brothers. Oh yeah. Um, Bob, uh, Bob Einstein, Einstein, uh, uh, super Dave Osborne was a writer on the show. Carl Gottlieb, who's pretty famous. Um, yeah, Steve Martin. Steve Martin might've won an Emmy there too.

I'm, I'm for writing. I'm not sure. Okay. So, uh, yeah. Anyway, let's cheer up. Time to cheer up. Little crinkle to cheer. And then we go straight into Hager who's putting his son to bed.

His son's wearing a helmet with horns in it to bed. so it gives you a sense of how dangerous those times were. Dad, do you have a Viking story you could tell me? And Hager goes, sure. There was once a gentle-giving Viking, and the son goes, no fairy tales. And then the third frame, he goes, just tell me about the raping and the pillaging and the raping, Daddy. Is that what it says? Well, I'm imagining. It's not really there, but I'm imagining.

Imagine the real stories. The story of when you first raped Mommy. Once upon a time, your mother was a virgin. All right, now we get the Lockhornsorns Leroy's coming out of the bank he says to Loretta I can get the loan but I'll need to leave an article of clothing with my scent for the hounds

I don't think he's getting that and the next one they're at the marriage counselor they spend a lot of time at a marriage counselor for a couple that really can't seem to get along and she says I wouldn't say Leroy has changed They spent a lot of time at a marriage counselor for a couple that really can't seem to get along. And she says, I wouldn't say Leroy has changed since we got married. More like he mutated.

I like that. Did I do that one before? I never did that. Did I? I don't think so. All right. It was in this week. There are a lot, though. Like, I wouldn't say, you know, Leroy's this, but it's this.

Yeah. Right, right, right. All right. And then somebody sent this in. Mark Swisher sent in a family circus. It's an actual family circus. It's a New Year's Eve party, and the moms got on a pretty, like, happening 70s-style dress,

and people are drinking in the living room, and little Leroy is saying to the mother, I can't go to bed. Mr. Yost is sleeping in it so let's unpack that for a second yeah i mean he's fucked up or is he child molester is it post-coital like is he is he in bed after i wanted to you know what that little blonde boy uh i wonder if his his pajamas are soiled by Yost. Maybe Yost set the record for taking off Charlie's pants the fastest.

Maybe the little boy's bum that Yost fell asleep. Oh, God. All right, what do we got here? Please, anything to make Family Circus more entertaining. All right, we do we got here? Please, anything to make Family Circus more entertaining. All right, we got the far side. What we got is, you see little Bo Peep. You see her little whatever that stick is. And you see her boning all that.

And she's in a kitchen all alone. And she is chowing down with a knife and fork. And the caption reads, That evening, with her blinds pulled, Mary had three helpings of corn, two baked potatoes, extra bread, and a little lamb. There you go. Mary had a little lamb. I get it.

Now they're going to be really hard to find. They'll be in her toilet in about an hour and a half. Oh, no. Plenty of you. Blondie is reading the paper with her back to Dagwood, which is appropriate. His watch dings,

and she goes, dear, what keeps dinging? And he goes, the doctor told me to download an app on my watch that would remind me to get up and move. She goes, good idea.

And he goes, yeah, but if I'm not going to listen to him, why would I listen to my watch? How about a ding that says, fuck your wife, you fucking louse. How about a ding that says, do a chore? How about a ding that says, give her a compliment or make dinner? How about a pow when Blondie blows her head off because she just can't take it anymore? Yes. When her right finger is swollen and chapped from finger blasting herself because you can't throw a move on her. Okay.

Whoa. Hey now. Whoa now. All right, listen. You got to get out of here, Mike. I do. I got to leave right this second, actually. New Orleans.

Head to New Orleans. It's going to be fun. New Year's. We're going to remind people to take advantage of our sponsorship deals. GameTime app. Use code PAPERS for $20 off. And then you're also going to go to everyplate.com slash 49papers. Wait.

Everyplate.com slash podcast entering code 49 papers make sure you do it right so we get credit okay um mike anything you want to plug before you want to go yeah send in your uh if you want us to make predictions for the new year send those in we're going to do that the next show i went hey what about koozies do we have koozies left to sell? We have koozies. I had to buy a third shipment of koozies. We got them. You're going to take some on the road? Yes. Koozies, baby.

And let us know if you didn't get them. I know we said that last time, but let us know. We're going to make good on every koozie. We're getting tremendous feedback. People love their koozies. They're sending pictures with themselves with the koozies. They're all signed, and they're cheap. $10 all in.

You don't have to pay shipping. Sent to your door. Right. Sent to your door. And if you go to the FitzDawg website, you can find out how to send money by Venmo to Mike. Venmo, buddy. All right.

Mike, have a great trip. Same. Happy New Year, my man. All right. Happy New Year. God bless. Take it each. Take it each. I can't believe it's time for the Sunday Papers once again. But more importantly,

we got corrections, baby. Woo. We got corrections, baby. Won't you read all about it? My SD card was full And I've been running off the Zoom microphone this whole time We got corrections baby How else are we gonna spread

the disinformation We got corrections baby Sunday papers How we ever gonna get to the front page Sunday papers, baby How we gonna do Sunday paper