Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 201 1/28/24

Episode Date: January 28, 2024

A woman smokes pot and stabs a man 108 times, Oregon rethinks legal drugs, Taylor Swift is NOT nude, and Vince McMahon is not the good guy we all thought he was. Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): fitzdogradio at gmail  Sponsors:  Mint Mobile /papers  GameTime download the app use code: Papers  EveryPlate /podcast use code 49Papers     

I've got an idea for you. Let me hear you crinkle. While you nibble my bagel. Sunday papers. I think you need a correction. Three, two, one. Read all about it. Read all about it.

Read all about it. He about it read all those of you that didn't pick up a newspaper this week didn't scroll your feed here we are sunday papers to bring it all home this is where you should get your news anyway let's face it i think so yeah hey how about that john stewart speaking of that issue where most kids were getting their news from the daily show john stewart returning to the daily show on a on a special engagement i guess oh so not full time but just temporarily i think it's uh was it one day a week or something like that okay i like it i mean to be perfectly honest i was one of the biggest fans of the daily show forever by the end i found him to be so sanctimonious and so muggy that i found it to

be unwatchable yeah this is my amateur opinion well i'm not an amateur but this is my guess is Colbert's character and his and which allowed him to also go over the top on things was so entertaining and was doing so well I think Stewart had a quote raise his game a little bit and kind of raise the volume and I just remember him I'm like you are screaming way too much keep in mind John Stewart's amazing amazing but if I'm gonna if I'm gonna compare it to what it was like earlier to me he started kind of getting more animated yeah with long pauses like the the amount of content on the show was cut by about 25 percent so he could be Muggy Mugstein. Right. Anyway, who am I?

Who am I? I'm sitting in my son's old bedroom. Sunday papers. Look at us. What are we doing? You're in a closet. I got a fucking framed photo that one of our listeners made and we're giving it to you, folks.

We're never going to host The Daily Show. Although I told you my story about The Daily Show, right? No. Me and Ross Broccoli were in New York, and we were given a segment on The Daily Show when it first started with Craig Kilbourne. And Ross Broccoli, if people don't know, is kind of like a uh he's a

renaissance man from a farm in Lincoln Nebraska who was uh very good looking extremely funny had a lot of charm and somehow they gave us the segment of movie reviews on the daily show and the bit was that we pitched them was that slackers would often leave movies you can if you leave a movie it before 20 minutes they give you a full refund so we were we were reviewing the first 19 minutes of every movie that came out right i like that and so we were shooting about that we were shooting the opening uh sequence out on, in Times Square, walking down Broadway in front of a big movie theater. And it was a long shot.

The camera crew was like 50 yards ahead of us, walking backwards as we walked towards the camera. And we start fucking around with each other and going, I can't believe we're doing this stupid fucking show. Nobody's ever going to watch a daily show on Comedy Central and like just making the camera crew laugh. Right. So anyway, they go to edit it.

And one of the producers of the show is in the edit room, hears us saying that, thinks we're serious. And we get a call from Dave Becky saying, you guys are fired. Before it even aired. And then we got fired we were both like who gives a shit this show's not going anywhere oh perfect 25 years later yeah exactly um so let's talk about we played golf today with a bunch of guys. Speaking of that, at one point, I didn't even see what sponsors we have.

Am I reading a sponsor today? I hope so. Oh fuck. Did I not put, I didn't put the ads in. Why don't you talk while I put the ads in? Okay. I can talk.

I was going to, uh, you put the ads in. I was going to, during the ad the other day, I decided, uh, you know what I'm going to do?

Uh, I'm going to do? I'm going to do a bunch of jumping jacks. When was the last time you did a jumping jack? Not recently. All right, so this is the simplest thing in the world. While I'm reading the ad, I'm going to have you do 50 jumping jacks. Here's what I find. When you approach the number 50, or at least with me,

things start to fall apart a little bit like you're but you have to be into it you have to like engage your core and you have to spring back like you know you're trying to get a workout out of these jumping jacks it's not just lazily flopping it's like boom you spring back to position oh man i think there's a reason you know what I should be I should be one of these Instagram people who just champion the jumping jack and get some program get some infomercials going and it's almost like

it could be the plank but it's a forgotten I think it was the most popular calisthenic and thing to do in the military for a reason yeah dude it's whole body legs if you want to squat a little on the you know when you're spreading it like then all of a sudden it's almost like squats well it's core you know the really good one is the burpee the burpee does it all especially if you throw a

push-up in the middle of the burpee the burpees are crazy yeah jumping jacks man i'm telling you you do jumping jacks you do 50 jumping jacks a day it's also cardio i mean not a long one but you're gonna get things going trust me so you're gonna do that that today we're going to you're going to we're going to watch you really yeah while i read the ad and uh to the listeners i'll report you're going to come back and report how you felt okay yeah so we have that to look forward to i'm into what else your daughter came over this week because i have a screener of the movie poor things and um so my daughter your daughter and a friend watch poor things. Have you seen poor things? No, I heard it's unbelievable. It's an ambitious, I'll tell you this. I don't know why I haven't heard about it more. I did fall asleep twice trying to finish it. That's not a

good sign. It's too long, but, uh, it's, there are definitely ambitious Tim Burton vibes and also Wes Anderson vibes in some ways. Okay. Yeah. It's ambitious though, for sure. And a lot of sex. I didn't need to see Mark Ruffalo on one side of the sex equation, but you get a lot of that. So you're sitting there with my daughter and your daughter watching sex scenes? No, i left the room i had already seen it oh okay yeah um speaking of jojo we were at penmar today and we played golf it was fitzsimmons fitzgibbons gibbons and gubbins

and another guy we're not going to mention the other guy because we went to dinner with him this past week. We had a kind of a guy's night out, the boys. And our friend, who is known for having a little bit of a sense, he's got a hair trigger colon, let's just say. And so he's got some lactose issues. And so we're at a Mexican restaurant, El Cholo in Hollywood, which is founded in 1923. Fucking great old Mexican place. Can I say Mexican?

And so we eat, and then he's kind of pinned in the booth. We're in a big booth, and he's stuck in the middle, and he can't get out. And so he told me later he was squeaking out some farts, but then we all left and we went out front at the valet and all of a sudden the guy disappears. And we're like, where the fuck did he go?

And I kind of had an inkling that it might have to do with the, uh, the banios. And so he gets back, we get in the car, we're driving home. And I was like, so what happened back there?

And he showed us the video of him. He asked for directions to get to the bathroom. Couldn't get good directions. He's bouncing around. He's making wrong turns. He's pinching his anus together and he finally finds it. And he realizes the clock is ticking and somehow pulls out his phone. In the middle of feeling this way, he has the presence to pull out his phone and start videotaping himself. He knows he's got one move. He's got to get the pants down and sit instantly. Gets the pants down, makes it halfway to the bowl, and explodes all over his legs,

all over the toilet. There was a mound on the toilet seat like your fist. And he then exploded all over. He finishes, looks to his left, and the toilet paper is gone. Why? Because we closed the restaurant. We were the

last customers. If you're the last customers in a Mexican restaurant on a Thursday night, there's no toilet paper left. So he gets up. He took off his pants. He took off his socks. Took off his underwear. He wiped himself with his underwear, which were his favorite underwear because they were Irish underwear, he said. And he then threw them in the garbage, walked across the bathroom.

Anybody could have walked in. And he found some toilet paper, came up, cleaned himself the best that he could, took the back of his shirt and put it over his asshole, pulled his pants up, and then got into the car and showed us the video. And I almost threw up in my mouth. You cannot. They have to have storage for more toilet paper rolls on top of the tank or something. Yes.

You're a 1929 Mexican restaurant? No, he said there actually was a double roll and they were both gone. It was one of those double dispensers. Oh. Yeah. But this story is twice as funny because there is no less than a dozen stories like this about this same guy.

One of them being him running to his house with, again, clenching his ass together, getting to his door, realizing he doesn't have his keys. So he opens up the side window to his house, claws his way up, gets halfway in the window, and explodes all over himself with his ass hanging out of the side window. I always push it, too. It's kind of like, sometimes I'm like, I'm here alone. My legs go in a mile a minute. And then I'm like, I suddenly realized like, you've had to pee for like 45 minutes.

Like, why don't you just go? Yeah. And I'm always like, ah, it's a drag. I'll just keep, you know, whatever, working on this thing on the computer or what. And it's like, why do I do that? Also, I'm like clenching my teeth, you know, when you have to like go so badly you're like in terms of p you're like clenching your teeth fighting it you know like because it comes in waves after a while yeah same thing i've pushed it he pushes it too far sometimes with the uh number two when i was about 14 we were were, we, we drank like, uh, we drank beer all fucking day.

It was the 4th of July. Uh, and, uh, it was, it was 1980. Remember there was a big 4th of July celebration for, I think it was the centennial of the Brooklyn bridge or something,

but it was 1980. And we got on the subway to go to Brooklyn because there was like a party in Brooklyn we were going to. And while on the subway, I had to pee so bad that I was doubled over. I literally could not physically stand up. I was doubled over and we were only halfway to the party. And I realized I'm not going to make it. And I got off the train and I went to the end of the platform and i peed and the train left and my friends left and i had no fucking idea where to go i knew the stop but i didn't know where the party was and so i got on the next train and i

want and i was so drunk and i wandered around uh what fucking part? I can't remember what part of Brooklyn we were in. And somehow, like by some miracle, I stumbled upon, in the general direction, I stumbled upon the party and made it home that night. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, no, when you have to go, all of a sudden, you're like breaking a law somehow.

Yeah. I just wanted, what's Matt Sharon? I don't know. Oh, okay. Um, I, uh, I think it was probably your version from the thing written below to below it. All right. I was going to not make that reference for obvious reasons. Um, and then, uh, I did a show at a pot shop two days ago, two nights ago. And I show up and it is, I think it's Snoop Dogg, some big celebrity, might be Seth Rogen,

one of the big pothead celebrities, threw like $5 million into this dispensary and they made it into a cafe. But it's like a big-ass restaurant. And everybody, and they sell pot out front, and then everybody has blunts. And I went on last in like a three-hour show, and I get up there, and the whole audience is Latino for some reason. And the guy going on ahead of me is this Mexican dude who's fat and stoned and has 15 minutes of killer Mexican marijuana jokes. And he rips the place apart.

Like, literally, people were dying. And then I go up and I am now completely secondhand smoke stoned, which I never, I've only been once before in my life. And I walk on stage and I am reeling and I am the white guy talking about his fucking kids and they are not digging it. And I did like five minutes to nothing. And I'm high. So it feels twice as long and twice as bad.

And then some dude starts videotaping me. I go, turn that fucking camera off. I go, we, this does not need to be documented and put out on Instagram. And, and then I just started shitting on them and I got some laughs and I, and I was supposed to do 15 minutes. I did like 12 and I fucking bailed oh it was brutal i i can't tell you you've never bombed have you in all your little stand-up spots you've done oh but it's on i'd bomb all the time if i was no you always do good but it is you'll get it you'll feel it one day it is after 33 years it is still the most painful feeling in the world. It's like erectile dysfunction with somebody punching you in the face. That's that's the total experience.

Right. No, I imagine for sure. Oh. Well, also, the big thing, it was funny about the secondhand smoke. I saw Norm clip. He was on Dennis Miller live on HBO and they're talking about smoking was the topic that week. Dennis Miller used to do a topic a week. And he's like, I grew up, he's like, I was a secondhand smoker.

He's like, that's the fucking worst. He's like, are you kidding me? He's like secondhand, like used smoke that someone's already digested. And Dennis Miller's like, what are you talking about? He's like, well, he's like, you know, I like pork sandwiches, but if you're going to now, I have to eat a digested pork sandwich. That's hilarious. Yeah.

That's why I could never do like a three-way unless I know I'm the first guy. I'm talking about the devil's three-way, the Kavanaugh three-way unless I know I'm the first guy. I'm talking about the devil's three-way, the Kavanaugh three-way. Oh, the Kavanaugh three-way. Oh boy. I don't want to be the second guy in. Yeah.

Well, yeah, I guess so. I I've had three ways that I've had devil's three ways, but it was never, um, penetration. So it's devil's three-way yeah that's what they call it because there's two guys yeah and homosexuality is evil evil got it got it got it all makes sense now right look at this logo how about this logo? By the way, my apologies to Laith Nabilisi, who did an amazing logo for us for the 200th episode, which was last week.

I didn't see it in the emails until this week, so we're putting it up now, even though it's a week late. Blondie and us coming out of a cake. Sexy Blondie. I look like you're Herb and I'm Dagwood. I look like you're Herb and I'm Dagwood I don't even know who Herb is Is Blondie, is that a bikini top or are those Is she nude and that's like censoring her boobs That is the

That is the Natasha Leggero Right Did we talk about that yet? Did we talk about Natasha?? Did we talk about Natasha? No, we never talked about it. Natasha did an amazing thing this week. She went on stage after Bert Kreischer.

And Bert's on stage and obviously he rips his shirt off and the crowd goes fucking crazy. And she says to herself, I can't get that response on stage. So she walks on, takes her coat off, rips her shirt off, and she's got no bra for some reason and does her set topless yeah i think she put on her fur coat again or whatever it was yeah but i mean for a good 20 seconds she was topless oh yeah they were out there yeah um they were blurred or there was a line over them, but I have to say, she looked great. I was very proud of her.

Well, she's attractive. Natasha's a great comic. She's a really smart, funny, unique comic. Yeah. And she gets away with stuff on stage that nobody else could in terms of playing that egocentric character. Oh, snobby. Yeah. So great. Yeah. Poor people. She has a lot of jokes onobby. Yeah. So great. Yeah.

Poor people. She has a lot of jokes on poor people. It's really funny. Yeah. And then the song this week from Ray Maslanka was really fucking great. I love this week's song. Thank you, Ray. We got a bunch of song submissions from you guys.

Thank you so much. We got a bunch of song submissions from you guys. Thank you so much. You keep the show going. We count on you and you always come through. We had corrections. Sharon Feisinger said, all of a sudden. It's all of a sudden, not all the sudden or all of the sudden. Is that right? What? All of a sudden. First of all, what's sudden? Have you ever, like this is one of those things where if you're high and you look at a word,

you start to freak out. Oh, absolutely. What's sudden? I never thought about sudden until now. But wait, wait, hold on. You say all of a sudden, right? I say all of this sudden. I say all of this sudden.

God, how have I never noticed that? No, it's all of a sudden. But you say all of a sudden. I absolutely do not say that. I've never said that in my life. What do you say? What, all of a sudden you don't know who i am all of a sudden so i guess she's correcting me because i say all of a sudden so uh denman just

popped in uh all of a sudden is an idiom that is a more poetic way of saying sudden oh suddenly got it i literally did not put that together. Oh, my God. Really? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, it sounds very much like almost like it could be in that old The Night Before Christmas poem. And all of a sudden, you know, I think it might even be in there. Yeah.

Andrew Kogan said, you and Mike were wondering why the Concorde, we talked about the SST Concorde plane, stopped flying. It was already extremely expensive to maintain and its engines consumed more fuel than subsonic competitors, which resulted in high ticket costs

and low passenger volume. The sonic booms annoyed and scared people on the ground, so regulations were enacted to prevent sonic booms annoyed and scared people on the ground, so regulations were enacted to prevent sonic booms over populated areas. As the Concorde was horribly inefficient and subsonic speeds, it absolutely guzzled fuel. So NASA has been testing the X-59 Quest aircraft to see if quiet sonic booms can be created via specific elements of

airframe design. Huh. All right. Good explanation. Thank you. Then we got Ryan in Chicago. There's some crosstalk here. There's listeners complaining about our listeners. Ryan in Chicago says, I often find Bob Pedterson's corrections to be nitpicky i have to agree with this comment about the pod being a tough listen sometimes i'm sure june diane rafael would be super stoked to hang out with you if she heard you struggle to remember her name and then called her david rafael who by the, is our agent for our ads. Dave Rafael gets us our ads. This is only after you called her show Frankie and Johnny and couldn't come up with Jane Fonda's name either.

You just had dinner with this woman, Greg. Pull yourself together, man. Perfect. Greg, pull yourself together, man. Perfect. Daniel Preston said, I heard you on the last episode of Sunday Papers claim that Bill Belichick is the new head coach of the Atlanta Falcons.

He sure did. The Falcons interviewed him, but Bill has not been hired anywhere. Love the show as always. Yeah, he seems to have been left out in the cold because there are like 10 teams, roughly, who are looking for coaches this year. Belichick has won five or six championships,

five, I think, and can't get hired at 71. I want the Jets to ax their coach. He was terrible. And in the hard knocks, he would just, he would try to use metaphors that were most

like intellectually bankrupt metaphors. It was embarrassing. And then, of course, you saw the season. I guess it says Daniel Preston was hired by the Atlanta Falcons. I don't know.

Now he's writing another name. Oh, the Jets. Now we're going to get. No, Preston is the listener. All right. Why did you erase what you wrote? Yeah, you can leave what you wrote. Falcons hired Raheem Morris.

Okay, from the Rams. Derek Chamberlain said, as a World War II history fan, I wanted to submit a popular... Oh, these are historical inaccuracies, which we asked for you guys to send in. We got a bunch of these. This is one that I really liked. I want to submit a popular historical inaccuracy

from that era, that carrots help improve your vision. While it's true that vitamin A-rich foods like carrots can help overall eye health, the myth that they improve eyesight, especially at night, is false. This came about because the British were looking for a way to hide that they had invented onboard radar systems in their fighter planes. During the Battle of Britain, the German Air Force mostly attacked at night by surprise,

yet the British were shooting them down at a rate of over two to one. In an effort to explain the reasoning behind this and cover up the radar explanation, the Ministry of Defense said their pilots were eating an excess of carrots that improved their night vision. Huh. Interesting. By the way, I just finished a book called Hell's Angels, and it's about fighter pilots in World War II, American fighter pilots that were all flying out of England.

And these fucking guys would get into these monstrous planes that weighed as much as a freight tanker, and they would put 1,000-pound bombs under each wing to the point where they could barely get off the runway when they took off. And they used so much gas that they had just enough to get over their targets in Germany, turn around, and head straight back. And often, they ran out of gas, and the plane plunged into the North Sea and they would have to parachute out before the plane got over the water. They engaged in fights. Again, they had like F-14s that would go ahead of the bombers that would try to do like dog fights

with the German fighters fighters but there was also they i had no idea that the that they could shoot from the ground as effectively but their their planes were getting lit up and you're this these motherfuckers are in little hammocks under the plane glass glass compartments where by the way it it's about 10 degrees Fahrenheit because there's no heat. And they are shooting and getting shot at in glass containers and then parachuting out if they're lucky. And they would have to do 30 missions to be decommissioned from the tour. Oh, my God. Holy shit.

Historically, I'm always so surprised and i know this sounds like the coldest uh thing you could say but i'm always so surprised how much time effort money went into saving very few people's lives like astronauts so much of the moon effort was about getting them back alive, where it's like, well, where's the mentality of like all the men on the front line? And, you know, there's the necessary fatalities or the given percentage of casualties. And it's, it's just incredible. Like it stopped so much testing and progress. And I'm surprised the scientists didn't think more analytically and less kind of emotionally. In World War II you're talking about?

One could argue, oh, well, they wanted to bring stuff back from the moon. But they could have brought it back without having to worry about the guys living. They could have just launched the thing back at Earth. Right, right. Well, that's why I like the- No oxygen, nothing. This is why I like the Mars missions, because that's a one-way ticket. These motherfuckers, they know they're going just to the moon.

And by the way, the atmosphere at the moon is so cold you could never you would not survive for five minutes outside uh in in mars yeah like in oppenheimer in oppenheimer i was like wow the kind of like the egocentric that's probably not the right word but it's so self-important to be like okay so they have the conversation you're going to drop the bomb you have to be so many feet above Hiroshima say and when you drop the bomb which is going to kill so many innocent Japanese right and it's like yeah but then he you won't be able to get away and huge conversations about how the two or three pilots can live like in other words yeah but if you want any lower you're not going to be able to get out of there in time yeah it's like oh oh then all right we have to go back to the drawing

board like yeah we have to go back to the drawing board and figure out how we can save our three lives that are going to kill all these hundreds of thousands of people yeah yeah right and to the point where it would be like then we can't do it well what about drones i mean so many so much warfare now and even more so in the future is some fat nerd sitting in a bunker in arizona with a fucking joystick just taking people out. No exposure to danger whatsoever. And look, I'm not knocking it, but it also, it's a bad optic. I mean, if we were in our country and drones showed up and killed not just guilty, a lot in it, like wedding parties.

What if a wedding party in Rochester, New York got fucking wiped out by a machine owned by another country? Are you fucking kidding me? And Shane Gillis has that great material on how unemotional the Americans killing are with this technology. It's like instead of like you see the guys in the Middle East who are barely putting stuff together and they're rebels and how they celebrate like when they shoot down a plane and he's like i'm more like that guy he's like the fucking psycho

is the one you're describing with a joystick who like wipes out he's like clear that's his celebration yeah yeah um gaz says another historical inaccuracy involves Hager the Horrible there is no evidence that Vikings ever wore horned helmets they either wore no helmet or a simple leather skull cap the horned helmet can be attributed to operas and plays the raping however is spot on accurate was like just the wardrobe guy on the play like, I think they should have horns. Like what?

What was that leap? Yeah, I'm curious about that. If anybody else wants to do a dive on this and let us know. I'm very curious because I know that they were very ornate. Like the masts on these Viking ships had a lot of likehic, dark imagery on it, monsters on the hull. And I wonder if there weren't horns on the helmets. I'd like to know. Yeah.

You know what else I'd like to know? How you guys have not bought tickets yet for the Hollywood show that we're doing at the Bourbon Room on February 1st. Chris Denman, our fearless producer, is producing this live comedy show that I believe he has not yet asked Mike Gibbons to perform on. And Denman, if you want to invite him now, just write it into the document. Or if it's a full show i don't even worry about it i do not need to see him do stand up i agree okay um portland the helium comedy club february 22nd and 24th one of my top three favorite clubs in the country huntington beach the rec room march 2nd one of my two favorite clubs in the country

la jolla comedy store march 8th and 10th yes one of my top four clubs in the country hollywood improv st patrick's day march 16th uh top five clubs in the country tampa side splitters yeah before fourth through six i gotta tell you these really are like my favorite clubs in the country uh that's a nice, nice string of them together. Nice fucking run. So go to fitzdogg.com, get yourself some tickets. Also, if you want to pick yourself up, this Sunday Papers is supported by Mint Mobile. Oh, yeah.

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All right. This is what's going to happen. I am going to talk about GameTime, one of my favorite apps, as you do 50 jumping jacks. Oh, Jesus. All right. Here we go. 50. Take off your microphone.

Don't rip it out of your computer. And do real ones like core. You spring off. You don't have to do it on camera. All right, game time. Talk about a time you had a frustrating ticket experience. No longer. This is going to make it easy.

You shouldn't have to worry when you buy tickets to the next big event. It's fast, easy, sports, music, comedy, and theater events near you. I love going on and going under the discover part, which I talk about. Big arms, Rolling Stones, 93 bucks. That's going to drop. What else do we got? UFC 2, Avril Lavigne, Ducks at's Saturday. That's still at 82. That's Los Tigres del Norte. 73 bucks at the forum. I should know these guys, I think.

So you go last minute tickets. They have flash deals. They have zone deals. They have easy to find and buy tickets for every event. You view your seat at the venue and it's the lowest price guarantee. They have cancellation protection. They have job loss protection. And it's the only ticketing app that gives you complete peace of mind. By the way, this isn't my heavy breathing from jumping jacks. I'm so excited about game time.

Pumping jacks. I'm so excited about game time. I'm getting turned on. That's the panting. And one of the best benefits is that they have the all-in pricing. So you don't get surprised when they add fees, taxes like the other places do. You see the price you're going to pay. So take the guesswork out of buying tickets with GameTime. Download the GameTime app. Create an account and use code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Create an account and redeem code PAPERS for $20 off. Download GameTime today. Last minute tickets. Lowest price guaranteed.

Okay, you got a paper to crinkle? Oh, man, do I? Let me see. I'm going to pick a fresh one it's right here and here it is by the way no comment no comment on the 50 uh jumping jacks well you haven't shared we just finished ads so tell me how it went it felt good my heart rate got up my breathing got up my legs felt like a nice burn i find timing starts to go off when you get up near 50. Yes, your arms are moving faster than your legs by the end. But I should have made you do 10 burpees while I read my ad.

Maybe next week. Yeah, next week we'll do that. I don't even think I know what a full burpee is. I'd have to look it up. You squat. You jump up to the sky up. You squat, put your hands down. You jump up to the sky, right? And then you go all the way down? Yeah, you don't have to put your arms up.

You can just jump and then you do a squat down, put your hands on the ground, kick your legs out, pull them back in, stand up again and jump. And then the premium plan is when you do a push-up while you're down in that plank yeah all right on that note front page oh that's a crisp paper right there y'all this is from the new york post the california woman who was convicted of killing her boyfriend by stabbing him 108 times how do they know how do they know 108 i bet there's 108 stab wounds yeah but aren't you gonna aren't you gonna hit the same spot 108 i think you're going to double down a couple times. The exact same spot. Yes. Maybe she carefully chose them all around the body,

under the feet, everywhere, between the toes. Anyway, this was during a cannabis-induced psychosis. She got a slap on the wrist this week. Brian Specher, 33, was sentenced to two years probation and was ordered to perform 100 hours of community service after being being found guilty of killing her new boyfriend chad omelia ventura county superior court ruled that spetcher had no control over her actions when she entered into a psychotic episode um experts for the prosecution and defense both found that the marijuana bong hit given to spatcher threw the woman into the

deadly psychotic episode spatcher and amelia had been seeing each other for a few weeks before she brutally murdered the 26 year old accountant. Oh my God. It was probably like, Hey, I've got a great idea. This is him talking. Why don't we get really high and watch a cool movie? Have you seen Barbie? She's like,

I've never gotten high before, but that sounds like the best plan ever. Right. Right. After a few weeks, who knows that Barbie is going to cause a psychotic break. Yeah. Maybe it was the Barbie and not the bong hit that made her snap.

Yeah, and no nomination. And Ken gets nominated for an Oscar? So anyway, she plunged the knife into her own throat as well when they tried to capture her. And she also stabbed her dog. That's where some people go, hey, now that's too far. Oh, you have no idea how many people will do that. So her lawyer said that she was an inexperienced pot smoker

who became involuntarily intoxicated after he pressed her to take another bong hit after not getting high off the first hit. I mean, look, you can get out of crimes by claiming you were too high. Does this work if your wife walks in on you masturbating with VR goggles on? Just asking for a friend. Exactly. If this is how she acts on pot, I would keep any kind of stimulant away from her.

On meth, she would have carved him up like a turkey. She would have gone to 208. My only crime is getting a little too high and playing a little loose with the R word describing poor things. That's my only crime. I'm not killing someone. We might have lost a few listeners,

but I mean, they have to get thicker skin, I think. Yeah, you want to read this next one? Because I'm still out of breath. Holy shit. Well, the piece, oh, are you really? Yeah. I love it. By the way, the stabbing the dog is the piece de resistance because no one is going to believe

it was about just killing her boyfriend. You know what I mean? Yeah. That was overboard. People are going to be like, no, she was full blown crazy. No, that's why if you're going to kill somebody, do something really nuts on top of it.

You know, eat an, eat an Oregon, have sex with a cat, something. Yeah. Well, that's a whole other,

I think, I think weird, but, uh, yeah, maybe, all right, maybe not sex with a cat,

not sex with a cat not sex with a cat jesus oregon three years after oregon became the first u.s state to decriminalize low-level drug possession the state is on track to reverse parts of its groundbreaking measure democratic law make lawmakers unveiled a proposal that would recriminalize possessing small amounts of drugs a move that's been criticized by harm reduction and criminal justice reform advocates. But people will be able to negate those charges by completing a deflecting program involving a behavioral health screening and contact with a case manager. Meanwhile, this law got introduced because they're like, case manager.

Meanwhile, this law got introduced because they're like, um, did you guys hear about the California woman who got baked, watched Barbie with her boyfriend, and stabbed him 108 times? On weed? Well, they're also going to ban Barbie in the state of Oregon. By the way,

the state senate may want to spitball some ideas on how else to get through a fucking wet, cold Oregon winter while living in a tent besides being high. I wonder, I don't think they've done the corresponding, the criminal analysis. In other words, it was a theory, maybe there'd be less crime because if people are getting baked, they're not going to go out and carjack, you know, at midnight or 1am. It probably didn't work out, but I'm wondering if they recriminalize it will like other crime go up. Well, maybe they should decriminalize murder. Just see what happens.

That's a good one. That'll create more tourism to Oregon. Hey, honey, you want to go to Portland for the weekend? Yeah. Or longer or forever? Yeah, exactly. Let's go scuba diving in Portland. You know, Sunday Papers is also supported by EveryPlate.

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again, like the price point on this is so much better. I was skeptical, but I looked into it and this is the way to go. Get a meal for $1.49 plus $1 steaks for life by going to everyplate.com slash podcast and entering code 49PAPERS, the number 49PAPERS. Subscription must be active to qualify and redeem $1 steak. Get a meal for $1.49 plus $1 steaks for life by going to everyplate.com slash podcast and entering code 49papers. I know that sounds a little complicated, but do it.

49papers. We want to get the credit so we can keep this podcast going. Subscriptions must be active to qualify and redeem $1 steak. All right, let's skip this next one and go on to entertainment. Here redeem $1 stake. All right, let's skip this next one and go on to entertainment. Here we go, boy. All right, we got disgusting AI-generated pornographic images of Taylor Swift.

Hey, now. Circulate on X. People are like, I couldn't believe my eyes. Fake pornographic images of Taylor Swift are generating using AI. The images in question known as deep fakes show Swift in various sexualized positions at a Kansas City Chiefs game. As of Thursday morning, Taylor Swift AI was trending on the platform with more than 58,000 posts on the topic. Swifties came together and tried to bury the images by sharing an influx of positive posts about the 34-year-old songstress.

And then someone on X said, how is this not considered sexual assault? Someone on XTC said that? Yeah, on XTC. She was on X. She was feeling good. Uh-huh. It wouldn't have been that hard to make the pornographic images. I mean, what's his face had his shirt off up in the luxury box?

Right, right. Kelsey? Well, I say shake it off taylor that's what i did when i saw the photos shake off her shirt her sweater off shake it eesh no the ai thing soon you're just going to be able to like and they're already doing it but soon it's going to be almost an app where it's like yeah just here put my ex-girlfriend's face on whatever you can think of. Well, that's what's sad about this is they actually use Simon Cowell's naked torso. You know, he famously has man tits. Yeah, oh, I got you.

So it's like, yeah, nice big meaty naturals. Yeah. Nice. But that is weird that you can do that. And first of all, on an existential level, does it really matter if those are her tits or not? Like, is there something like organic that needs that? Like, do those really have to be Taylor Swift's tits or can they just be great tits with her face and you can pleasure yourself? Wait, I'm not following. you think her boobs are somewhere to be had no no no i'm saying what if somebody you know photoshops different tits onto taylor's face i mean that's that's what they're doing yeah so right good good it's like it's like being a vegan, but eating a tofurkey, you know,

or a soy burger. There's no harm in it. It's just a facsimile facsimile of it. I don't know because, well, of course it can be mistaken for her. And I think a lot of people might be under the impression it's her. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Uh, I mean, I would like to, what I would love to see is take AI, take her face, and impose it. Put it on a songwriter, like a good songwriter. And then see if she's offended by that. Who writes about more than herself. Yeah. Like takes her amazing writing ability, but actually writes about other issues in the world.

Mike, she's writing about all women at every stage of their life in a very deeply personal way. Yeah, I guess what's personal is universal, but maybe do a little universal and then that can be personal. How about that? Speaking of which, Madonna will vigorously defend legal action brought by fans after she was more than two hours late for a show. She's being sued by two fans who said they would not have paid for tickets had they known

it would finish so late. What are you, 78? They state that many ticket holders who attend concerts on weekend nights have to get up early and go to work or take care of family responsibilities. They're suing Live Nation and the Barclays Center for false advertising, negligent misrepresentation. False advertising. How about the fact that they listed Madonna as the performer? Not what looks like Madonna, who was stung by a swarm of bees,

and you can't pick out on the stage because there's 50 backup dancers trying to prop her up and hide how fucking tired she looks up there. Have these litigious Kare's ever been to a hip hop show i mean right madonna's just trying to keep up i remember i remember on uh george lopez's late night show we had mariah carey and everyone warned us like crazy and we refigured the day to try to minimize all the union penalties we were going to face because of how late she came. Yeah. And right on time, she came hours late. And it's, we have an audience.

It's a late night talk show. And it's a union crew. You're paying overtime to every camera guy. Oh, it triggers meals for like, you know, 80 people. It was crazy. Yeah. Yep. Before we get racist, let's go down and make America Florida.

Here you go. Okay. Okay. Police say they responded to the shooting at a home, and upon arrival, they found two female victims who had left the home after being shot. One of the women was the mother of the shooting suspect, and the other was the suspect's daughter. Officers found another woman, the mother's friend, unfortunately dead inside inside the home having suffered a gunshot wound to her head the man had written a letter to his daughter insisting that quote she enter into a relationship with him and not date anyone else i can see dating your father but but exclusively? I know.

It's asking, it's a bridge too far. Just that last part. As a result, the guy's mother and her friend had discussed forcing him to move out of the home. And because of this, he said he grabbed a revolver from his room and began shooting at the pair, attempting to kill them both. Wow. He really wanted to date the daughter a lot. Yeah. According to records, he had previously been convicted of simple battery and aggravated battery of a pregnant woman.

Of course, she was probably carrying his child, which was his next girlfriend. She was on deck. In last week's shooting, he faces charges of firearm possession, first-degree murder, attempted murder of an officer, and two counts of attempted first-degree murder with great bodily harm.

Oh, man. Jesus. Sometimes I worry that I, like, in all reality, like, sometimes I worry that I don't tell my daughter enough how much I love her. But this guy's letter makes me feel like I'm right where I need to be.

I'm good. Also, Greg, you've probably been told this by many therapists, actions speak louder than words. So, I mean, this guy, this guy acts. Yes. Look at that. He's walking the walk. He's not just talking.

He's not, it's not just a letter. Yes. Look at that. He's walking the walk. He's not just talking. He's not, it's not just a letter. Yeah. That guy is fully in it. Yeah. That's commitment. And that's why he's in Florida. People that really want to self-actualize and reach their potential head down South. And there's just too many women in the equation. No wonder he went crazy. That's, I think that's one thing that might've happened. And also I didn't know in the south you had a fight to date your daughter yes i thought that was just you just asked was isn't there daddy daddy daughter date nights at like applebee's and runyons and funyun-daughter first dance, and first dance means something else down there. By the way, in his defense, Florida daughters are way hotter than regular daughters. They got the Daisy Dukes.

They're tan. That's your take on it? That's where I'm going. Here we go. We're going to make Alabama Florida. New York Post story. We're going to make Alabama, Florida. New York Post story.

We got an Alabama woman called 911 to report a burglary in process at her home. When officers arrived at the woman's house on Johnson Circle, they quickly determined that no break in took place. She had reported that in order to get officers to respond to her residents quicker due to her being scared of the bad weather. quicker due to her being scared of the bad weather. I think the 911 call went something like, there's a rapist in the sky who keeps flicking on and off the lights and banging. Can you hear him? Can you hear him?

By the way, in Alabama, bad weather is when it gets below 86 and the humidity dips below 97%. They start to freak out. out yeah there's no keeping yeah exactly they think it's end of times um have you ever been to alabama oh yeah i was just there i just that's right you told me that i drove through it to get down to the pan handle and so i didn't really see much. But even then, you see, you know, there's some interesting billboards and stuff like that as you drive through it.

But it's pretty mainstream stuff where I was. But went through Birmingham. Birmingham? Birmingham. Birmingham. Birmingham. I guess we went around it technically, but. All right, let's get to some sports.

Here we go. Oh, I love it. I love it. Oh, you came so close to losing all four games last week. Yeah, I got saved. You had the Ravens, and you won. Getting away nine and a half. I had the 49ers, who won, but they didn't cover the nine and a half point spread, so I lost.

You had the Lions, and you fucking slam the bucks and i thank god had the chiefs one by three and uh they were giving two and a half right but no they were getting two and a half so i was clear i was let's be real you should you and the chiefs should have lost that game absolutely no doubt and i think i think i probably have this wrong i think you might have lost by three which means i would have won that bet yes there was some dodgy calls and uh and the bills i really have to say are a better team. That was heartbreaking. Yeah. By the way, paid you instantly soon as the last game ended.

Again, no acknowledgement. I did. Thank you. I did actually. Remember, because you corrected me because I forgot that the Chiefs were getting points. I thought you were giving two and a half,

which would have meant... Yeah, you weren't thanking me. You were trying to chase down money that I didn't owe you were giving two and a half, which would have meant- Yeah, you weren't thanking me. You were trying to chase down money that I didn't owe you. That wasn't a thank you. That's an acknowledgement that money traded hands. No, you've been very good about paying. Very good about paying. Yep.

So this week- Okay. We got two games left, and I think we should flip a coin for the first game. To see who gets to pick the first game and the other guy gets to pick the second game. Do you have a coin? I do. Hold on. Let me check in my bag here.

I have this. I have this little thing I can flip. It's a little USB thing. Very good. One side has a logo. The other doesn't. All right. I get the logo side.

You flip it. You do? Yeah. So I'm going to flip right. I get the logo side. You flip it. You do? Yeah. So I'm going to flip it, flap it on my hand like a coin toss. And if the logo's up, you get to pick first? Yes. All right. Here we go.

And on my hand, no logo. All right. You pick first. I go first. Chiefs at Ravens. Ravens are giving away three and a half. I'm. Chiefs at Ravens. Ravens are giving away three and a half. I'm going to take the Ravens. I'm going to give you three and a half.

I don't want the Chiefs to win. I do. I really want them, so I'm glad I got the Chiefs. There's just something about Mahomes in the playoffs. The guy knows what he's doing. He's comfortable in that world. I think he's going to take it. Lions at their 49ers. The 49ers are giving seven points.

The Lions are an emotional bet right now. A lot of people are taking that bet. So I think that that is actually giving them less points than they need. So I'm going to take the 49ers and give seven. Perfect. This is great because I really want the Lions to win. A lot of bettors are thinking exactly like you are, and they don't think they have a chance even with the spread. But great. I get to root for the Lions. I love love it i hate giving seven points though because it's a lot it's a lot of playoffs um speaking of which uh this is a great story this is crazy uh a doctor says it's plausible

that the three Chiefs fans who tragically died in their friend's backyard on a freezing Kansas City night have been exposed to some kind of drug contributing to their bizarre demise. So basically, they were sitting on the back porch. There had been a party, and then they just sort of disappeared.

They were found frozen solid in the backyard of their friend's house. I don't know where the friend was. Two days after the group had supposedly left after watching a Kansas City Chiefs game on January 7th. All right, January 7th in Missouri. Shouldn't these guys have been storming the living room? Or somewhere inside? You said, where's the friend? The friend got out of the maze in the backyard, and the other guys were just stuck in the maze and froze to death.

That's what happened. These guys were frozen. These guys were colder than travis kelsey's sister-in-law when she saw taylor swift is that yeah that's cold they were colder than a.i taylor who was naked yeah at that buffalo game but uh i guess they got found when one of their fiancés requested a welfare check. And when he never returned home that Sunday, they started calling at his door. So isn't that nice that that's what your life basically can be summed up in the end by you're only found dead because you didn't pay your welfare check? Otherwise, nobody gave a shit about you. Meanwhile, how were 50,000 Buffalo Bills fans

not found dead in some snowdrift after that game? Dude, how the fuck are people sitting in the crowd at these games, whether it's Buffalo or Kansas City? It's below zero, and you see guys with sweatshirts on. And all the alcohol consumption. It's crazy. How is that enjoyable? Plus- Hypothermia.

You've been to professional football games. There is 95% of the time there's no football being played and you're standing there. And then you got half time. 11 minutes of action 11 minutes oh my god it's brutal and you don't know what's going on because you don't have a commentator you have no replays i don't like live football and during a half time is so long i think you know they all go into the sort of hallways and stuff. But, and the closest we came on the West Coast is when it was raining at a Rams game when I used to go to the Coliseum and every one would then go in because the Coliseum is fully exposed.

Yeah. You would go, you would go into like, you know, the concession stands and that, that internal, it wasn't even internal. Some rain would be in there too. That's how exposed the Coliseum was, but at least you had some shelter. Well, we had, uh, we had season tickets to the giants when I was growing up. Oh yeah. And so did I ever tell this story about when I was about maybe eight years old, we'd go to the games and our seats were directly in front of

the luxury booths, you know, the glassed in booths. So we'd sit there, these fucking people would be having a party and we'd be freezing our balls off. And so one week, my family standing there watching the game and they hear a tapping

and they turn around and there's me inside the box, coat off, eating a hot dog, fucking hot chocolate in my hand. I just snuck in. That's perfect. I started sneaking in every week. That's perfect. All right, other story.

Vince McMahon making news. He's accused of sex trafficking by a WWE staffer. He paid to keep quiet. Janelle Grant, a former employee at the wrestling firm's headquarters, alleged that McMahon lured her with promises of career advancement, and then he allegedly abused her, including, wait for it, defecating on her head during a threesome, defecating on her head during a threesome and forcefully used sex toys on her that he had named after his wrestlers.

And the rock is now appointed to a board at TKO, which the WWE merged. Um, so following the takeover, the rock is going to be on this board, uh, who has to deal with this a little bit.

Damn. Yeah. By the way, he didn't really shit on her head. He just squatted above it and pretended. It's WWE. The Rock is not going to like what he smells cooking in this case. I do have to, I do predict that. Yeah.

Nice. I do have to, I do predict that. Yeah. And also during a three-way, like you're going to take a shit. Everybody's bummed out. It's not, it's not just her. It's her friend too. Yeah. Even if it was a devil's three-way, as you like to call it. Yeah. The third party, don't they have a say in that? Be like, dude, come on. Yeah. I was going to use that.. Yeah, I was going to use that. Her head, I was going to use that.

Okay, so I looked up some wrestlers' names since he named some of his sex toys after him, and I'm hoping one of them isn't the Dusty Road. Yeah. Hey, you want to wipe down the Dusty Road before you stick that thing in me? How about a little pledge? How about some antiseptic?

I'm thinking one of them's The Rock. I hope one of them is in Sergeant Slaughter. Or the Jimmy Snuka? Snuka? Snuka? Snuka? Snuka? I bet one of them's the old Kurt Angle.

Oh, yeah. Wrestling name. Oh, yeah. You want to angle on that thing. Yeah. This is crazy. Now, why is it called sex trafficking versus just, I mean. Because I think he forced her to, and maybe across state lines, but he forced her on other people.

Oh, that's what it was. They probably traveled for, like I know somebody who wrote for the WWE. He, you know, they have writers. Oh, I know. They would, they'd be in fucking St. Louis or some shithole and they would,

they would have a match and then they would get on the jet, the private jet that night, fly to the next place, right on the plane, and write all night, and then sleep like four hours, get up, put on the next match. This guy did this for like a year and a half, my friend. Yeah, I know. And it's a bit thankless uh i have heard from people i can't name who took the job pretty high up also that vince is just a complete lunatic total asshole this guy fucking hated him and weird relationship with his daughter also like yeah unnerving stuff anyway uh are we doing international yeah why not

here we go all right a mother in france was sentenced to 18 months in prison after a court found she'd left her nine-year-old son alone in an apartment without consistent heat for two years. The child was forced to live off a mixture of canned products, cake, and stolen tomatoes. It's a dream. While his mother, who reportedly lived with her partner three miles away, stopped by time to time to check on him, the boy managed to continue going to school himself. And his teacher said he was a good student, describing him as very mature and resilient for his age. Prosecutors noted that the apartment appeared to have no hot water.

And he swiped tomatoes from a neighbor's balcony to feed himself, while some neighbors occasionally fed him as well. Oh, oh, that's nice of them. That's so nice. How about this? How about you call the police? That would be a nice thing to do, too. He's fucking nine years old. And is this the right sentence?

Like, what's the problem here? Was mother just was not there non-existent wasn't there for okay put her in prison for 18 months she can't even go there time to time yeah yeah i mean she should do more time than he did at the very least this is um and by the way what kid doesn't want to eat cake and steal tomatoes every day? That's like a dream. And no parents. Goes to bed whenever he wants and still got his homework done.

Still got the homework done. This kid is sharp. I'd hire him. Yeah. But this reminded me of that Natalia Grace series that I finished the first season. I'm halfway through the second season. and I'm not going to spoil it. I'm just going to tell people if you have not seen the curious case of Natalia Grace, walk, don't run to HBO max and,

and just scratch your head and take some time off before you go to bed. You can't, you can't binge it and then go to bed. You're going to have dreams. All right. I'm looking it up because, all right, when you say season two, have you seen when Natalia starts talking? Yes, that's season two. So that is season two. Right.

First of all, I was like, oh, God, you know what? It's going to be great, but not as great because the dad probably won't be involved. He's involved in that too. Yeah. I got a little tired of his one man show. It was like a bad one man show. It was, it was a bit much, but he's a character and she's, she's interesting. It's I, again, it's so much I want to talk about, but I don't want to ruin it for people. I want people to watch it. All right. It's called Natalia Speaks, I think.

So, and they, okay. Anyway, yeah. Go see it. The Curious Case of Natalia Grace, Natalia Speaks. That's the second part. Yeah, it's amazing. I have to keep i've watched i think the first episode i gotta watch it i gotta watch the rest um all right let's get to letters to the editor here we go pal this comes from keith who said just sending you a thank you for thanking me

for thanking you, email. Love the koozie. Was telling my brother how I was excited that you were so on top of my koozie thingy thingy. You're welcome. When it was lost and responded to each email I sent. He asked me, did you tell him you were my brother? I said, no, there was no reason to do that. Anyway, long story short, Eddie brill is my brother and he says hello and sends his love oh eddie brill is one of my dear friends from new york who sadly i have not

i haven't seen him much in the last 10 years legendary stand-up in new york legendary great stand who's one of those guys that like remember when there was all those stand-up shows like evening at the improv caroline's comedy hour comedy on the road he did all of them over and over again he was like the ultimate tv comic and uh great dude he was at my wedding he was uh he was a guest at my wedding he's fantastic and he had the legendary card night yeah he used to play monday night poker at his house. It started around 11 o'clock at night after everybody finished their sets. We'd play till like six in the morning. It was great.

All right. Adam Bean says, yo, G-Rock, you just hit pay dirt. I was just mentioning this very topic last week. Town identity. You know how Tarrytown's identity is the headless horseman? My hometown's identity is old time Western film character actor, Andy Devine. You have gobs of listeners. You already asked people to share over herds. Consider town IDs, pick a title, my town ID or whatever. No one ever addressed this topic on a podcast you're our fearless leader consider leading us into this canyon of cultural quirks so we're putting it

out there to you what is your hometown does it have an identity my uh washington irving was from tarrytown and that's where The Headless Horseman was written, The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. I'm from Eastchester, which is known as Greasechester, and so my town identity is Italians. It's Wedges. That's what they call it. Where we grew up in New York, Subway sandwiches were called Wedges. Absolutely, they were, yeah. Yeah, by the Italians.

Meatball wedge. All right, so send them in to fitzdogradio at gmail.com. Let us know the name of your town and what its identity is, and we'll read it on the air. Yeah, like the big ones, Steel Town, you know, Pittsburgh and all that. But like the Cutters, remember the Cutters in the movie Breaking Away? Oh, right. Was that, and then the Hoosiers in Indiana.

What other ones are there? Well, the Alabama, there's the girlfriend killers. Right. Is that the story? All right, let's get, speaking of killers, let's get to obituary. That was Florida. Here we go. And that the story? All right, let's get, speaking of killers, let's get to obituary. That was Florida. Here we go.

And that's all, folks. Alabama, she's afraid of the weather. I messed that one up. All right, go ahead. I read this one with a heavy heart. Porn star actress Jessie Jane has been found dead along with her boyfriend of a suspected drug overdose. along with her boyfriend of a suspected drug overdose. Jane, 43, and her boyfriend were discovered by officers at her home in Moore, Oklahoma,

during a welfare check requested by the guy's boss. Jane, born Cindy Howell in Fort Worth, Texas, appeared in more than 100 pornographic movies around the turn of the century and eventually became a host on Playboy TV. She later crossed over into mainstream fare, appearing in TV shows like Entourage, The Tonight Show and Bad Girls Club. She was arrested for in 2018. She was arrested for public intoxication in Oklahoma. She was arrested for public intoxication in Oklahoma. Two years later, police busted her for allegedly biting and beating up her boyfriend during a night of heavy drinking and more. Moore police did not immediately return comment.

So she graduated with honors from Moore High School in 1998. She told the outlet of her mixed feelings about moving back home after achieving success on the screen at the time so this is sad she was i hosted the porn awards twice and the first time i did it jesse jane was my co-host and we spent a lot of time together leading up to the award show she was so sharp and so funny and so charming just a fucking doll and we had a lot of fun host the show we did a really good job hosting the show if i have to say so myself you were there i yeah you probably shot some uh promos and all that stuff there right so and she was she was like and i think she did do stuff on E. But like when you met her, you're like, oh, you seem like one of the bubbly girls who's very articulate, witty, fast, good on your feet, you know, like she would be a host hostess on E. And so after we hosted the show, this is the craziest story. I went back to her suite for an after party and it was her and her boyfriend slash managers in the porn world. There's a lot of boyfriend slash managers. Yeah.

And we went back there and there was a bunch of porn stars and they were there was an altoid tin filled with ecstasy tablets and everybody was zonked out on ecstasy and her boyfriend manager is a former uh basketball player for usc he was fucking huge and he asked me if i wanted ecstasy and i said no i'm sober and then he pinned me on the bed took ecstasy and shoved it in my mouth forced it in my mouth remember that and I just thought to myself this is most guys fantasies being in a being with a bunch of porn stars while somebody shoves ecstasy in your mouth but it was not for me and so anyway I I hit it under my tongue and then I went and I spit it out. And it was very weird. And so things did not end on a high note.

Right. But I have fond memories of her and I wish her family the best. And then I have this artist, Melanie Dyde, famous Melanie Safka. She performed at Woodstock, which I didn't know. She was 76. And she had a number one hit with Brand New Key in 1971.

That's the one that starts and I'll slaughter it. But I rode my bicycle by your window last night. And it's in Boogie Nights. It's fantastic because of Heather Graham playing Roller Girl. And it's in boogie nights it's fantastic because of heather graham playing roller girl and it's about the brand new key for her roller skates also jackass 3d had it during one of the stunts but anyway go listen to that song like i got a brand new pair of roller skate

that's exactly how it goes i mean if i if I play a little, do we get... Yeah, you can't play it. I can't play it. Now we get flagged. Luckily, neither of us were close to being on tune or in tune, so we're not going to get flagged. Well, let's cheer up. Let's go to the funnies and cheer up a little bit.

so our guys hagger and lucky are in a jail cell and lucky says do you think the king will grant us an appeal and now the next frame shows hagger in the next cell over is the queen and the barrister says sorry the king turned down your appeal. Some husband you have. And Hager says, no. And I just think, all right, how does things get rapier than being a woman in medieval times? How about throw her in jail with Hager the Horrible? Yeah.

I kind of don't follow this one. Do you think the king... No, I don't either. I don't get it. I think the king's looking for a way to get out of his marriage. So is Hager's rape victim annoying and he doesn't want her around anymore? Oh, maybe that's it. Maybe nobody wants this poor damsel in distress.

I think that's what it is. Yeah, that's horrible. That's so sad. It's horrible. They should be. I guess they warned us. They were going to cheer up with the funnies. I guess they warned us it was going to be horrible.

Yeah, that's true. All right, let's cheer up from that one. So we're watching the Lockhorns and Loretta's on the couch talking to her friend, Leroy's walking away and she says, Leroy is not himself today. And I'm trying to enjoy it for as long as I can. Yeah.

She has a nice, that's one of the rare smiles on her. I know. You know what I like about the Lockhorns is they use wordplay and once in a while it's corny, but then once in a while it's clever enough that you go, all right, that's a good one. And then he's in the dentist chair in the next one and she's talking to the dentist. I think Leroy is afraid to brush his teeth considering what happened to him after he brushed his hair he doesn't look happy about that no he doesn't and now this is a great one leroy is sitting at his desk with no pants on he's got

on a jacket and tie and he's on a zoom call and he looks at loretta and he goes zoom don't leave home without it he's sitting in his underwear. This is a Jeffrey Toobin moment. Yeah, keep, watch out, watch out. Don't get too comfortable. He's got the creepiest smile on his face. Okay, I think I'm done with Kathy. I mean, I can't tell you how long I look for ones that, I think Family Circus might be funnier than Kathy.

Yeah. All right. So here's Kathy and her friend in the kitchen. And the friend goes, aren't you worried about running out of time to have a baby, Kathy? Kathy goes, sometimes, sure. I think it would be so wonderful to have a baby to take care of. Then I think about how much I love my own time. I love getting to do whatever I want. My house is for me.

My money is all for me. My whole life revolves around me. And I love that. Me, me, me. And then the friend goes, I guess that's the point a lot of us get to. And then the friend goes, I guess that's the point a lot of us get to. And Kathy goes, yeah, I'm torn between wanting to have one and wanting to be one. Jesus.

What? She's a very unevolved character. The woman who writes this must just be such a self-loathing, body-shaming woman. It's, I guess, but, and I look for one that had had for lack of a better way to say it a punch line yeah like that it it had some of them i don't even understand what's being said yep i don't get it and i guess i'm quite envious of the success of the comic strip and she's also got like looks like she's like 11 and look at her eyes they're literally right next to each other there's no space between her two eyes they're touching yeah does she have a nose no i don't think she has a

nose she has no kathy may write about that the fucking the fucking girl doesn't have a nose. Even peanuts, they have noses. Her friend has a nose. Maybe she can't smell how fucking stinky this comic strip is. She only has four fingers on each hand. There's a lot of problems here. Right. She's like Natalia Grace. So she is a child.

Or, yeah, we can't tell what age she is she really is a tire grace all right speaking of child adults here is dagwood sitting on the couch with his son who sadly looks just like dad say yeah and uh the son says to dagwood i get tired of girls acting like they always know what i'm thinking. You know, dad? And then Blondie walks in in a lime green sweater and it's a profile shot. And her breast is so full and so succulent. And he also gives you the left calf coming in. And it's a bowling pin.

I don't know how else to describe it. It's a 10 pin. It's so curvaceous and yet thin at the ankle and she goes pizza tonight dear with extra pepperoni and anchovies slathered in garlic butter sauce and then dagwood says to the son it's not so bad once you get used to it how about this how about i'm the husband and then she walks in and she knows what I'm thinking. And she goes, tits tonight, honey. Wet pussy. A round piece of ass in each hand.

Hot breath on your neck. Tongue in your ear. That's what I'd be thinking. Right. Not a fucking pizza. He gives you a shot of the calf on the way out. Yep. The other calf. He gives you a shot of the calf on the way out. Yeah. The other calf.

He gives you both calves. Yep. Uh, what would dag would be thinking? He doesn't want to hear, he doesn't want to hear what she thinks he's thinking. I'll tell you that. Well,

the son is like a worse version of fucking dagwood. Like what is there going to be a strip? Like, remember the, remember the, uh the Looney Tunes, all the kids got their own series and it was called tiny tunes. No. Yeah.

It was like, uh, Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse. And they all had like mini versions of themselves that were their kids. And it was actually surprisingly more boring than the original mickey mouse can you explain to me mickey mouse's character i really can't i know the whole thing is and people come from all over the world to go to that but like a it's an animated mouse they got the guy could draw a mouse and he animated it

and a kingdom literally and figuratively was created. Yeah, yeah, by an anti-Semite. All right. Listen, don't forget, support our podcast sponsors. If you go to Mint Mobile and you put in.com slash papers, you're going to get yourself a $15 a month deal. Also, GameTime, the GameTime app, we love it. Download it and use code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase.

And, of course, EveryPlate, where if you go to everyplate.com slash podcast, enter code 49PAPERS, you will get yourself $1.49 plus $1 stakes. Okay. Thank you to Chris Denman and the fine folks at Midcoast Media. I think we're going to see them next week. They're going to be out here. We're going to do the show. Party time. Party time in L.A. for the Grammys. And who knows if Mike Gibbons will get up on stage at the Bourbon Room

on February 1st and tell some jokes. Not happening. Yep. Yep. It's happening. Not happening. I got to write some material

for March. What's happening? March 16th. Hollywood Improv St. Patrick's Day show. I'm going to talk about I'm going to do type 5 on jumping jacks.

You never do a type 5. Maybe I'll just do jumping jacks. You always say you're going to do 5 five on jumping jacks. You never do a type five. You always say you're going to do five and then you do like 13. No, I never say five. I say 10 and I do go long. Yeah. True. True. All right.

Good luck recovering. We got to discuss whether or not Gubbins is going to be allowed on the St. Patrick's day show this year. He, the last couple of years has put in no effort into his set has bombed and gone long yeah like i'm worried about what i'm gonna do yeah all right well listen you're looking at your cell phone let's just sign this one off we'll see you guys very soon thanks for for joining us. Everybody should take it-ish.

Take it-ish! Nice. I've got an idea for you. Let me hear you crinkle while you nibble my bagel. Sunday papers. I think you need a correction. Do you want my correction?

Do you? Do you want it? Sunday Papers Sunday Papers Sunday Papers