Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 204 2/18/24

Episode Date: February 18, 2024

The last words on Travis/ Taylor, Kanye is uncancelled, maggots fall from the overhead bins in Detroit and an India woman is almost cremated when she has a few good years left.

Like Dagwood needs Blondie and Hagar's store Helga Like Kathy loves chocolate and the Lockhorn's need couples therapy I listen to Sunday Papers every Sunday With Greg and Mike It was 3, 2, 1 Read all about it! Read all about it read all about it it's the Sunday papers

flopping on your doorstep just made a cup of coffee the fucking German shepherds running out front to grab it in his teeth you're coming down you're coming down off Valentine's Day everybody loves Valentine's Day the huge build up it's like Christmas and New

Year's. And then it's like, oh, it's over. And you're like, no, I hate to say it because it's been said. Check, check your phone. I hate to say it because it's been said. I got my wife a lovely a lovely bunch of $80 roses and a card. You know what she got me? A card. Why is it that women want- My flowers cost four times that. No. Yeah, that doesn't feel good at all.

And you can't say anything except, I guess, on a podcast. You can't say a fucking thing. Whoa, $320? Well, it's from a nice place, but it's also like I had to order them. They had to be delivered. Yeah, yeah. Tax. There's a lot of, they whack it a lot of different ways that you don't realize it until you push that fucking final button.

you push that fucking final button and then i saw i mean listen they were a hit but then i saw a picture and i'm like is that a normal size mouse pad that it's next to because that then i'm fucking pissed yeah and what did you get i got uh um well we were in kind of an argument. That's no excuse. I had ordered mine earlier and we have an inside joke because the first thing I ever sent her, I ordered when we didn't even know each other and maybe it's seen each other once. And I, I was like talking to the woman, I'm like, she's like, so who's it to? And I go, you know, Hannah. And she goes, all right. And what should it say? I'm like, uh, from Mike. Like, I'm not going to put love Mike. Right. In like the first week.

So she got, it was like a candle, I think. And, um, it says to Hannah from Mike. And she thought that was hysterical. So that's what these said. Okay. Okay. Yeah. But she, I think once our argument was over, had Amazon deliver me like a chocolate,

and it's kind of my move, chocolate bar, flowers that I have to unwrap and cut and put, you know, and arrange. And, oh, sourdough bread. We both like sourourdough Bread. So that's an inside joke. She mailed you Sourdough Bread? I didn't know you could do that.

No, no, no. She had stuff delivered. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Okay. That's interesting. That's an interesting way to go.

I got creative once. I think it was last Valentine's because I hate Valentine's Day. Couldn't avoid it this year. And I looked up any products in all of Whole Foods or Bristol for all of the Amazon, uh, that could be like delivered from a supermarket that had the word love in it. So like some pasta sauces have love and, and then anything that had heart, a lot of thing like artichoke hearts. So I got tons of things that had the word heart, anything that had sweet. So when she first opened it,

she's like, is he making me, is he like sending me a recipe? And these are all the ingredients and I have to fucking cook. And then she saw it was all like, Oh honey. And honey. Yeah.

So it kind of worked out. Jesus. Conceptual. What a thoughtful guy. Well, I was saving myself. I had it delivered day of and the flowers were sold out. Yeah. I sent my mom.

I only ordered it two days before and I sent her. She's having a really bad time with her hand. She has to keep going to the doctor. Can't even grip things. So I sent her this hand massager, but it didn't get there on Valentine's. His name is Michael. And it didn't get there the day of Valentine's Day. And you know, my dad died so many years ago that I've always like tried to step up on Valentine's Day and send her flowers. But I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of the rip off of the

flowers. I just, like you said, I don't want to spend $200 on some flowers. It just, you know, cause I got mother's day. I got Valentine's day. I got her birthday and you know, uh, and so, so I decided to send the hand thing, which costs close to the same, but, uh, but she, she was, I could tell she, I can tell from my mom's voice in three seconds. I called to say happy Valentine's Day, and you can hear it. The distance. The shortened answers. The flatness of the tone. You're like, I should have gotten an orchid, at least at last.

Oh, my God. It's fucking crazy. Irish women. Thank God my wife's only half Irish. Yeah, only half the bullshit. Happy Super Bowl. How'd the bullshit. Happy Super Bowl. How'd you do? Oh, I am going to send you money right now.

I would know how I did because my Venmo didn't ring. Here it comes. Dude, I paid you within two minutes of every many, many losses that I had this year. God, I think we bet 50. Yes, we did. Sugar. And I had this year. God, I think we bet 50. Yes, we did. Sugar. And I had it won. I had it won.

Yeah, but you didn't factor in the left-wing conspiracy theory. You know what I didn't factor in? And this is all I'm going to say about it. That holding is legal for the Kansas City Chiefs. Yeah, that was pretty crazy. That was really crazy. It's despicable. And also on the San Francisco drive,

how that fucking linebacker, maybe it was the guard on the 49ers on the right side, just let the defensive guy run right through. And he ended up rushing Purdy. So he made a bad pass. Remember? No. Is this the clip where he blocked his own guy or something?

Jones got through. Yeah. I don't know. It was. And then I had the pool pool one i heard your daughter won the pool my daughter won uh two hundred dollars on a ten dollar box bet so uh that's good so how was the uh i didn't go you guys kept asking me to come to penmar for the super bowl but i wanted to hear the game i wanted to sit on the couch and just undisturbed. And I'm glad I did because it was an interesting game. How was Penmar?

Penmar was awesome. It was great. It was busy. You could focus if you wanted. But Mikey holds up a pool, you know, with 100 boxes. Yeah. And he's holding it up while they're singing the national anthem and not one box is filled out no dude the names it's just 100 boxes the names of the teams aren't even on the

axes yeah and i'm like wait i go what are you doing and he goes you think it's too late this is like when a musician who's not like a like a sports junkie yeah decides to try to do he's like do you know how these work and i'm like god you know what to tell you the truth they're perfectly random normally yeah it actually doesn't matter you could do it in the third quarter if you want it yeah i go you should have it done because people like rooting for the first quarter result but you definitely have 15 minutes or more 20 minutes if you want to like so that's what happened is he got all the names and then i had a random number generator and i just go here we go you're i'm going to read out numbers from my phone and uh it's like it's a website And so that's how we did it. Oh, so how much was a box?

Uh, 20 bucks. No. So one box was 20 bucks. No, probably five bucks. Five bucks. Five bucks. Sorry.

Five bucks a box. Okay. That's pretty good. We did a hundred, a hundred, a hundred, 200. Yep.

Yeah. Did you hit anything? I had it one. If there was no more scoring after us. And then they went to overtime. Oh, no shit. Oh, that sucks. The drive blew it for me.

Had it. People like, people like literally like you won. It was the highest rated event on television since the 1960s. I think it was like the moon landing or something was the highest it was crazy and they really say it was because of taylor swift all right we'll get to that later we got a story about that but let's talk about let's talk about my cousin danny yeah how was it out there well there's a the genesis open i think it's called and it's at Riviera Country Club here in LA. So went off there and met him at like the fifth hole. And it was Mikey Fitz, our forgetful friend,

Mikey Fitz, Mike Dugan, and then Dickie. And then we met up with Chris Chaney was there. Met up with Chris Chaney was there. And who else did we meet up with? Somebody else. Denny was three under at one point, and he was in fifth place for a while. Nice. Yeah. And just to see him play up close, he's just got such a compact, powerful swing.

And what are you looking at? What the fuck are you looking up? While you're talking, it's Mikey. Talk about forgetful. Whatever. I have to respond. I'm listening to every word you're saying. I want to hear about the open. It makes somebody feel like they're not heard.

I feel like your girlfriend. You know what Zoom should have? It should have a pause button on your image. Yeah. So you can claim like it's stuck. And then you can jerk off like Jeffrey Toobin. Yeah, I got. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. So he was so good. So he was three under and then he dropped a couple and then he birdied 17 and save part at 18.

But it was very weird because I was standing near him for the whole round, but he doesn't really, he doesn't really look up. He kind of gazes towards the crowd and it's like, I don't want him to see me. Cause I know as a standup, I can't stand seeing people that I know, especially family members in the audience.

And so I always seat them in the back. So on the way to the 18th tee, I look up and he's looking at me in my eyes and so i wave and i say hey danny and he gave me a very quick wave and then kept walking and i was like oh i shouldn't have done that i shouldn't have acknowledged that's when he bogeyed now thank god he hit a fucking rocket off the 18th tee but then at the end he came up to me and he gave me a big hug and we talked for a little while thanks for uh not waving at me all the other times i go uh i go hey uh way to not wear the wedding ring two weeks after you just got married he's like i i can't swing with it i was like i just keeping the options open are you talking about the club um but it was great i tell

you what man the u.s open was such a pain in the ass to walk around you remember that it was great i tell you what man the u.s open was such a pain in the ass to walk around you remember that it was impossible that that club because the the course is not in any way uh benefit it doesn't help uh crowds well this course riviera i you could walk the whole way that's what i heard it is and Thursday, so it wasn't crowded. Perfect weather. It was fucking great. We had such a good time. Did you see Tiger Woods getting the chewing tobacco out of his bag?

No. Yeah. Really? It's all over social media today. Huh. I saw him. I saw him hit a shot. Well, I mean, that's what I saw.

He has a round thing that looks like, you know, Copenhagen or Skoll and took something out and put it in his mouth. Now, I don't know if it's a mint or weed. I don't know what it is, but it's been going around. He had a mob, and every time he did anything, there was this roar from the crowd. It was crazy. How did he do?

Do you know? I think he was like even or one under. He was one under during most of the day. I don't know how he finished out. And where did Denny finish? Two under. So he's in like, he's in the top 20. All right.

Yeah. Nice. Oh, here it is. He's throwing some, you can't tell what it is. Oh, no, no, no. Not, I guess we can't put video. You'll see. No, you see him zip it.

You see him open the tin. Chris, can you look up what he finished? How many under par he was or over par? Yeah, look. Look at the right picture. Yeah, it looks like some skull. No, and he opened it. Who cares? Who fucking cares? Look, look at the right picture. Yeah, it looks like some skull. No, and he opened it.

Who cares? Who fucking cares? Well, I don't know. I mean, I think sponsors don't want to see him chewing to nicotine. I think he's got enough money at this point. No, no, I know that, but I'm saying. No, he looked like he was having fun. I think he he was playing with justin thomas and he was like walking currently won over yeah it's because he's all fucked up by nicotine he was he was having fun

a lot of the golfers are in a bubble and they don't talk to their the guys they play with but he was like walking shoulder to shoulder with just Thomas, and they looked like they were having fun. Doing the Larry Bird trash talking. He does trash tiger. Does he? Oh, yeah, yeah. They show it all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, well, he'll brag about it, too.

I've seen those stories all over. Like, you know, so I went up to him, and I said, well, remember when he pulled out a tampon? Oh, right, right, right. Also, I hear he bets on the course. They have a lot of side bets going. Anything to keep him interested, right? I mean, go for it.

Go for it. Hey, he can't. The Waffle House girls are out of the picture. He needs something to keep him excited. Speaking of the Super Bowl, let's thank Craig Godette, who did this week's. It's I am Taylor Swift and you got to be travis kelsey i'm wondering which of us is more unlucky because yeah i'll talk about i think travis we're going to talk about in a minute we'll get into it big question is he a douchebag stay tuned one minute away song this week thank

you to andrew steiner who did a really cool i'm Jonathan Richman-like, if you ask me. Like from something about Mary? Yeah, a little acoustic guitar, some straightforward verses. That's all we're looking for, people. I mean, look, if you have a full band and you want to give us that sound, if you want to give us the wall of sound, we'll take it. And I'm not insulting, Andrew. I mean that in a good way.

It has a good vibe to it. Sure. Sure. No corrections this week. I can't believe I'm saying that. Literally not one person wrote in to correct us. Usually we get 20 to 30. I think people were too tired from the Super Bowl.

They just gave up. Don't give up on coming out to see me live. Portland Helium Comedy Club, February 22nd to the 24th. Huntington Beach, The Rec Room, March 1st. Boca Raton, Florida, March 3rd. La Jolla, March 8th through 10th. Hollywood St. Patrick's Day Show, March 16th. North Pole, Alaska, March 20th.

And then Fairbanks, Alaska, March 21st through 23rd. Tampa at Sidesplitters, April 4th through 6th. And then a new date just announced today, Mamaroneck, New York, one town over from where Mike Gibbons grew up at the Maryland Theater on May 31st. That's next door to Eastchester, right? Right by Greasechester. Yep.

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Nice. Okay. Let's get to the front page. You got some paper? Oh, boy. Here it is. Extra! Extra!

We all love it! Extra! Nice. All right. The lead story this week, which we're, of course, not doing, but is unfortunately these shootings at the Kansas City Chiefs Victory Parade. I haven't gotten very involved. I saw it and I just turned off my phone.

It's like I just don't even want to. Thoughts and prayers. That's all Washington's going to send. That's all they're going to do. But sidestepping that tragic story, I'm wondering, are we learning more than ever that Travis Kelsey is a giant douche? That's my question. Yeah, I can see that.

He wasn't one of the shooters, don't get me wrong. But he screams at the coach during the game. He has looked like a full-blown loser in all his celebrations he took to the stage drunk and tried to sing friends in low places at the parade the outfits that he's wearing good going to clubs and stuff then the night of the shooting the press found him or someone found him and sent it to the press he was out drinking beer wearing a red track suit and a backward baseball cap posing for selfies. The night.

Here's the thing. He's ultimately a jock. Guys that are that big and talented, they spent from the time they were 12, they were lauded for their physical abilities and told that everything they did was cool. You don't sing fight for your right to party on the podium at the Super Bowl.

It is, I love the Beastie Boys. If there's one horrible song they had, it was that. Sing almost any other song at that moment. Well, there has to be some irony involved. As you're singing it, you know what I mean? I don't think there is with him. That's my point. I think that he's a jock.

No, no, with him, no. Jocks don't have irony. With him, no. Yeah, right. Oh, you're saying normally it has... Yes, right, right. Yeah. Like in college, my friend Jeff Ginn used to get drunk

and he'd stand on his kitchen table in his dorm and he had an apartment and he would sing fight for your rights party and then he would pour a beer over his head and it was the greatest human experience you can go through it to be laughing with and at him at the same time and who is taking away your right to party is it that big of a fight so when someone sings it without any irony, you're like, you are an idiot. Yeah. And it's, listen, as Taylor constantly, constantly, as Taylor Swift tells us, she is the absolute worst at picking boyfriends.

Good point. One after the other. Are we up to the hundreds now? How many songs? They're all horrible, insensitive monsters. And I think so it goes with this one. people. You know, it is like, I don't know, maybe part of us should just celebrate the, the, the, the levels of achievement to human beings can have, and then come together. This guy, Travis Kelsey, he's got the record for most receptions by any NFL tight end in their first 10 seasons. He has 35 regular season games of 100 receiving yards or more, which is the record. He has 114 receptions of 20 yards or more, which is a franchise record.

Nine consecutive seasons with 50 plus receptions tied for wide receiver Mike Evans for the league. It goes on and on. He has so many records. Taylor. And a good looking guy. Taylor Swift. Beautiful. I mean, you can't not,

I shouldn't say beautiful, very pretty. You can't say she's not categorically very pretty. He was on a reality like Bachelor show. Not The Bachelor, but one like it.

I think he's just always been douchey and we hold on i'm on a roll and then you got this woman who's very pretty yes honey she holds records like uh she has 26 billion streams the most of any artist she's the highest earning female musician in the industry she's worth a billion dollars she just had the highest grossing music tour in history she has the most american music awards in history she has with 40 she has the number most number one hits in history uh i mean it goes on and on she's oh for everything picking picking a boyfriend. Yes. But maybe that's why this is so special. She never had a guy who had that kind of stats before.

I mean, let's celebrate their love. Let's just embrace it and then one day sacrifice their first child. It will erase the national debt. It'll solve world peace. I mean, think about how how human sacrifices used to go. This would be the ultimate human sacrifice. She's dated super famous accomplished dudes, so that's not a first.

Not as big as this guy. You don't think? I mean, who did she date? Of course, everyone's going to be screaming right now. Nick Jonas? What did she date? Joe Jonas? One of the Jonas brothers? That doesn't

stack up to this guy. Jake Gyllenhaal? He just won three Super Bowls in the last five years. No, there was some other... I'm trying to remember now. I forget who. Olivia! Olivia! Olivia!

Who is Taylor Swift's most famous boyfriend? Maybe our producer could look up stuff like this. Wouldn't that be awesome? Who? Yeah, before that douchebag. Rumors. The rumors. Oh, God.

What are we doing? Harry Styles. Hello? Harry Styles is pretty famous. Dick, God. What are we doing? Harry Styles. Hello? Harry Styles is pretty famous. Jake Gyllenhaal. Who else? Taylor Lautner. Who the hell is Taylor Lautner? Top of his game at one time.

Who? Hiddleston. You're not impressing me. She dated a Kennedy? Who else? Middleditch? One of those guys? Thomas Middleditch?

All right. Listen, let's move on to other big famous singers. John Mayer? John Mayer. Okay. And thousands of others, Greg. Thank you. Chris just wrote wrote I was typing up top and then he finished I was typing up top what oh up top are we are we up top she's a top but I mean are we up

top or are we in the section that has Taylor Swift in it in the street had a thing with kanye west uh yeah okay let's move on are we ready to move on uh yeah let's move down to kanye big week for kanye uh kanye has pissed off a lot of people by debuting at number one with his new, with the new, I guess his new album that he dropped vultures. And he said, it proves I can't be canceled. He also in an interview said he does not take back the anti-Semitism. Now I didn't hear the quote. I don't know if that's exactly how he stated it,

but he did not back down from his comments. He kind of doubled down on him from what I heard. You kind of—go ahead. He also said he was two months from going bankrupt before this latest comeback. Huh. Well, if he's anti-Semitic, then I guess he can no longer believe that the Jews control the industry, the music industry, because he's number one. It's a good point.

They don't run everything, I guess. I just think we need Kanye. It's like, it reminds me of that scene in Scarface where Al Pacino's in the restaurant and he's all coked up and he's making a scene. And they kind of drag him out of there. And he's like, say goodbye to that bad guy. I'm the bad guy. Look at me.

Because we need a sponge for all of our judgments and all of our self-righteousness. And he's the guy. We need him. It's like I don't get his music. Like everybody says genius, genius, genius. Okay. All right. You say genius. I don't, I don't get it. I don't respond, but it's art. So I'm not, not everybody's supposed to, but I love reading about him. I'm curious because I don't know. I don't know all the things you can't say or do.

And he comes up with them. He comes up with new ones where you go, oh, I thought you were done. And you came up with something new. And if he goes away, what do we got? He goes away, we got Andy Dick. Guy's got two moves, rehab and groping. Kanye's got a new thing every time. Oh, here's a quote from kanye everybody felt what i felt i even said the apology and my fans still fuck with me some of the anti-semitic

stuff i was saying was true so until y'all come up and say yo what was he saying some of that was true then go ahead with all that i didn't see i don't even understand when he talks you're right his music yeah well supposedly there's a rumor that taylor swift uh may have had him removed from the super bowl oh and former nfl player uh brandon marshall he stated in his podcast that swift may have been the reason that West left the Super Bowl because he was sitting up near her. And then one theory was that was a way for him to get on camera every time they took a shot of Taylor. Was he in her box? Because a woman has a right to choose who's in her box. And also, it's historically a very crowded place.

We've already been through that. Yeah. So maybe not. No, her box is huge. By the way, one of the reasons I follow Kanye is the pictures he is now continually putting out of his wife are bonkers. You've seen them? Yeah.

He then erases a lot of them. Yeah. Because they are quite, they cause a stir. Let's just say that. They cause a stir. Let me try to find one here I grabbed a picture of. Yeah, she's kind of just right for him well i think what he's doing is he's treating her as art yeah um i mean have you seen here's

a shot of it's like bob hope and brooke shields her yeah i saw Right. And then this one, making breakfast? Yeah. With a black, like, gimp, like, hood, like, leather-type mask on, black boots, and what can only be described as negligee that's barely hanging on to her breasts. Are the breasts real? They look very much so. They do look the breasts real? They look very much so. They do look real. Yeah, no, very much so. Which does not fit his profile at all.

Have you seen his new teeth? Yeah, nothing's real over there. No, whose new teeth did I just... Oh, Billy Joel's. No, no, no, Kanye's new teeth. Oh, no, no, right. Sorry, yeah, he has a grill. No, not even a grill. It's one piece. There's no... It's not even made Kanye's new teeth. He had, Oh no, no. Right. Sorry. Yeah. He's has a grill. No,

not even a grill. It's one piece. There's no, it's not even made to look like teeth. It's, it looks like remember jaws from James Bond where it's just one big piece. It's just one big piece of metal. And apparently file down all his original teeth. He's stuck with that shit for life.

I hope he doesn't. I hope it doesn't affect his flawless singing voice. Oh God. Um, you see joel's new teeth though no like when you're in there why don't you be like you you come out you come to or whatever happens in the dentist chair and you look and you're like okay let's take the white down a notch or two this is an unnatural white you wouldn't even paint your bedroom this white yeah like you would go with swiss coffee or another shade like this is the craziest hottest white ever and then they're perfectly smooth and even probably right they never round them you gotta make little cracks little cracks. Look at my teeth.

I haven't cracked them. No, thanks. No, thanks. We're all right. Yeah, take it up a notch. Take those up a notch, Greg. Yeah. Let's talk about an award-winning Penn State professor. We talked about this guy once before, but he's back.

He was arrested in a, quite frankly, sickening bestiality case. He's got more charges now uh he engaged in more lewd lewd acts in a park including inserting a tree branch and lollipop in his butt themis matsukas these greeks 64 was already facing charges of indecent exposure, intercourse with an animal. He had sex with a collie, which if you're, look, if you're going to pick a dog. The chemical engineering professor begged troopers to kill him while saying the sex acts helped him to blow off steam. He was captured on video masturbating on a picnic table. Yeah, I hope there was a tablecloth down.

In a lake at the park, also, he climbed a tree naked, inserted a tree branch, a Tootsie Pop, and the control handle of a DCNR John Deere crawler in his anus. All at once? Yes. It's like a taylor's box the accused perv also allegedly defecated in public areas uh and he's going to parks he did that in a state forest well you know they just say don't don't you know let your dog loose. They don't say anything about. Yeah, you don't see a sign.

Like there's a sign through a cocktail glass, you know, the circle with the line through it. There's no line through putting a John Deere crawler in your anus. How would you know? How would anybody know? Hello? Who has that joke about like whenever they have a line through the martini glass? Maybe it's Colin Quinn. No, Louis.

It was Louis. Oh, is it Louis? He goes, I don't think martinis are the problem with public drinking. Yeah. So this guy, I mean, God bless him. He is going for it. I guess he's out on bail. And he's just celebrating. It's Penn State. I mean, all he has to do is like,

you guys know about the football department, right? Yeah. Come on, guys. These crimes are harmless. No one is getting hurt except me and maybe a few squirrels. Yes. Who see me.

And a picnic table. Picnic table got pretty hurt. Yeah, whoever stopped by to And a picnic table. Picnic table got pretty hurt. Yeah, whoever stopped by to have a picnic after me, maybe they got a little giardia. Give it a day. When I've been in the park, then give it a day. Things should die off on their own.

Amelia Earhart's family is once again hopeful that the 87-year-old mystery over the aviator's disappearance will finally be solved after a search in the Pacific pinged what could be her long-lost airplane. I hate to say it because she was a pioneer, but I think she's dead. Yeah, I don't think it's a mystery. On the final day of the search, Romeo's deep-sea vision crew detected what appeared to be a sunken plane 16,000 feet underwater. There have been many, many searches, and really not a single shred of evidence has ever turned up. It feels like this is more of a promising lead than anything we've seen to date.

Meanwhile, by the way, Delta's still looking for my bag on my flight to Miami three and a half years ago. Can we focus on that? Nope. No leads. No leads at all. Lots of investigations. Had my sleep guard in it. Had my pocket rocket in it.

Well, one of the problems is all the search parties have been led by women. So they're not going to find it. Are you kidding me? Amelia didn't intend to go to that place yeah what are they looking for if you need evidence of women that are bad drivers go to the Matsuka Japanese market parking lot set up a couple cameras that's my idea don't steal it and then Japanese parking lot I mean I would watch it if there was a channel that just played Japanese parking lot. I don't think this is racist.

They're overly cautious. I think I'm, there's a better word for it, but it's profiling. I'm profiling. Yeah. Certain things. Yeah.

Like an Irish goodbye. Like it's a certain cultural and there's deference, you know, which, uh, Gladstone, uh uh spilled a lot of ink over gladwell i mean um anyway uh i don't amelia hart's family i don't think wants her found because you know it's like half her makeup is going to be on and they will totally know why

she crashed right you know what it was it was probably a disgruntled guy from philly who didn't like the peanuts and got all riled up and started some domestic stuff on the flight i thought you meant the comic strip the peanuts i didn't know what you were talking about yeah like that guy got up and shit on the bar cart that was going through. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He didn't want to be told to put his armrest down.

And so he fucking took her. He took her out. I'm not wearing a mask. Amelia's like, what are you talking about? It's 1948. What are you yelling about? What year was she? I mean, it's 75 years ago.

So it would have been... It was before Spirit Airlines. It would have been about 45. Before Spirit Airlines. No, wait. What was she doing flying to that part of the world during World War II? It had to be a different date. I don't know.

Chris, do we know the Amelia Earhart? Can you look that up for us? What year did she... Here it comes. 1937. Between the wars. Germany was just warming up. Yeah, they were building bad stuff at that point.

What was it called? Weimar? No, not the Weimar. Was it the Weimar Republic in 1937? I'm trying to remember. One thing that might have stuck to my brain during college. Well, Denman definitely would know. Oh, yeah, he would know.

Just off the top of his head. Well, he calls it the rebuilding years. Yes. That's what he calls the 30s. Yeah. Yeah. They were tough. He calls it the time when we didn't really have focus.

We lost our focus. Yeah. Pre-greatness. That was the thing. Make Germany great again. Yeah. He had the hat. All right.

Let's skip this next one because I don't really have any jokes about it. But that's good. An OnlyFans professor. Okay. Delta Airlines. Okay. They turned back because of an issue with overhead bins. head bins. Somebody brought rotten fish on this Delta flight in a carry-on bag

and placed it in an overhead bin and then the maggots broke free. These are not my words. And rained on the passengers seated below. Oh my God. Flight attendants tracked the maggots to a fish wrapped in a newspaper. After the man it belonged to claimed it, flight attendants took it away and gave it to coach. They took it away and the pilot announced that the flight would be returning to Amsterdam. Of course.

It was Amsterdam to Detroit, this flight. The aircraft returned to the gate and passengers were placed on the next available flight. The aircraft was removed from service for cleaning. So first of all, one of the headlines said, International flight to Detroit was carrying maggots. I'm like, that sounds like the most racist headline ever. And I thought, you know what? It's getting much easier to see which newspapers are owned by Rupert Murdoch.

Yeah, I think Amsterdam might be Europe's Detroit. So that makes sense. You know, they say that fish rots from the head, but sometimes it rots from the overhead. There it is. That's not bad. It's right there. It's just sitting there.

I love it. It's sitting there waiting for Carson Daly's writers to scoop it. He doesn't have a show anymore. We never heard of Carson Daly. What do you mean? I heard he's a scratch golfer. That's what I heard also. But he's Good Morning America, I think.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. And he had two jobs at once i think he still had his late night thing here which then became all pre-taped no audience and an interview type show and then he had he was the radio show yeah the radio show and then he had the voice dude he's the host of the voice i think i remember at one point he was flying back and forth for his radio show and a TV show in New York. Yes.

And then he got replaced on today's show in September. All right. Okay. He was on there though while doing The Voice. I do remember that and I think a little crossover with his late night show. How did they find

somebody else who had no soul oh i well i you know i ran into him he inadvertently i'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt stole a bit that we were doing oh he played a clip as if he found it but it was spike ferrison's late night show we made it so he thought he found a viral clip but played it from a competing late night show and to his credit he came over and appeared on our show and apologized oh well that's very nice like not

in a funny way like I think he I think it was like we had these kids so it was a little George Bush and the kid would be angry and he was this great actor and it went viral. And I think he like walked in with the little kid holding him like here, this is yours. Sorry.

I, I didn't think he was yours. So I should expect Daniel Tosh to show up on this show and apologize to me for taking my bit. I caused me bit. Yeah. Keep waiting. I'm imagining.

Okay. You have been waiting. Let's go to Florida. Here it is. Okay, so Winter Haven, Florida. A Polk County man is spending Valentine's Day in jail after he not only stole statues out of a front yard, but he gifted them to his ex-girlfriend. Anthony Lewis, 33, wanted Valentine's Day to be special for his lost love.

Lewis was riding his bicycle when he stole two crane statues out of a woman's front yard. That's just what she wanted. Well, I mean, I love when people put shit on their front yard and they just expect that everyone's going to leave it there. Imagine looking out. It's like not even a guy jumping out of his car. He's trying to hold two crane statues on his bicycle. It's why this is Florida. It's Florida. By the way, there's no doubt it was a stolen bicycle. Oh, well, wait, just wait. The sheriff said these statues were provided to the victim by her deceased husband before he was deceased, of course.

So the sheriff added, before he was deceased, of course, but they were pretty special to her and he rips them off. So the sheriff's not sounding too bright here. Ma'am, did he give you the statues before he was dead? I just have to fill out a report. Detectives tracked the missing statues to Lewis's ex-girlfriend's home. The statues were returned to their rightful owner. And Lewis, who is 39, had previous burglary and theft. Oh, sorry.

Lewis has 39 previous burglary and theft oh sorry lewis has 39 previous burglary and theft charges damn 30 so the bike being stolen is very likely yeah he's only 33 and the sheriff the sheriff finished by saying and this is a quote not a joke Keep an eye on this guy. If this guy's in the area, he'll steal it. Huh. I don't know. He's going to steal it? Steal what? All of it?

He will steal it all. Just watch him. He's a wordsmith. He's a real word. Here's the thing about Florida cops. First of all, they're assholes. Second of all, a lot of them come from staten island or the greater new york area jersey they're all relocated cops and so they've got a new york attitude with problems that are not new

york level problems they're like this is like shooting fish in a barrel i'm just on my pension i'm gonna retire at 48 yeah um plus why steal them? You ever been to Florida? You can get two real cranes in about five minutes. They're everywhere. Just go to a dumpster behind a Wawa's. They're everywhere. Just stand outside of some trailers, and if the door doesn't open in a day,

that guy passed away. Yep. You can take him. This guy also stole a lawn jockey, but he kept it because he likes hanging out with a guy in blackface. Are lawn jockeys black or are they in blackface? They're black. What do you mean? How dare you? I don't know. Well, did I tell the story in the last couple of weeks? I got, I think about Basquiat.

Denman is saying new curb last week addressed this question. Interesting. Me and Larry thinking exactly alike again. Anyway, the quick little thing was I started teaching at a university and I was afraid of the wokeness because a lot, like you can't say the word crazy in in some classes and stuff. It's the ableist language, I should say, in all classes anyway. And I'm afraid I'm going to get in trouble without meaning to. And another professor told me he had a friend who was an art history professor, like legendary guy, old guy.

And actually, he was down in the scene in New York when Basquiat was around, and Basquiat painted this guy. And so the guy decided to show the painting. Well, Basquiat painted this old white professor, but he was a young white guy in blackface. Oh. And he got reported, but I think it's the funniest issue because technically, any black person in a painting is in blackface.

I mean, it's been painted. Yeah. So I wouldn't want to take an inedible and then be handed that case and be like, what do you make out of this? Yeah. Yeah, that's complicated. Plus it's art. It's fucking art jesus a black painter painted a white guy who's painted uh he painted his white face and then he painted black paint over his white paint my head would explode it's already. And it's not his face. It's a canvas.

Yes. By the way, it's so funny. You took on teaching a course at the same time and now you suddenly just do we want to announce what job you just took on? I'm not really signed. So maybe we wait a little bit. All right. All right. It's a big deal, everybody. We'll let you know about it in the next couple of weeks.

I'm replacing Biden. The Democrats are terrified. All right. Let's skip this next story. Okay. Unless you're excited about it. No. Okay.

You found that story. We got enough Florida stories. Well, that's a good one for next week. I mean, that's out of like a comedy movie. All right. Let's put that in next week. It is out of a comedy movie. All right, let's put that in next week. It is out of a comedy movie. It's perfect.

Let's get to sports. Here we go. Sports. Sports time. So the Super Bowl, we already covered that. The 49ers lost. They were giving two points to Kansas City, we already covered that. The 49ers lost. They were giving two points to Kansas City, which means you lost.

What did they win by? Four? Yeah. Three? Three. Three, yeah. Because they only, I think, right? Because they didn't kick the extra point.

No. Oh, right, right, right. So we told people that they could do the prop bets that Tim Dilley set in, but we did not, in fact, post that link on the site, which is on me. So we will go through. Do we know what our answers were? Here's what's hysterical. We could just do this because of our memories,

and it would still be exciting. Okay. So coin flip heads or tails i said tails you said heads it turns out i have an interesting uh thing about this what there were two coin flips oh that's true and the most famous one both times no first one was heads oh the most famous coin flip of any super bowl ever uh was tails that's the one right before uh overtime right but i would give you that's not the one we bet on we i lost that one the bet the one we really bet on because i'm a reasonable guy was heads at the beginning and then first shot of taylor swift i think we both said before kickoff. It was absolutely before kickoff.

Of course it was. Yep. Which type of business will have its first TV commercial? I said beer. You said fast food, I believe. Nope. Car. You said car.

In fact, it was other, which was like, I can't remember what it was for, but it wasn't any of those choices. Maybe it was for Jesus. No, it wasn't. Oh. Who will score first? I said Chiefs. You said 49ers.

It was 49ers. Was the Chiefs, was the Jesus ad, one of the messages, wasn't it like, don't be a dick? I think. In those words? Don't be mean? You're paying that much money to say, don't be a dick, I think. In those words? Don't be mean. You're paying that much money to say don't be a dick? I don't know.

Go on. It's crazy. Crazy. Number of field goals missed by Jake Moody. We both, I said one, you said more than one. It was actually zero. Wait, I said he'd miss more than, there's no way I said that. All right, we'll go back and check. Okay.

What will the clock read at the time of the two-minute warning of the first half? Will it be two minutes exactly or less than two minutes? I said two minutes exactly. What did you say? Is there a two-minute warning in the first half? I know people are smashing their heads against the wall right now. Yeah, the first half is a two-minute warning. Oh, okay.

It was two minutes. They ran it down to two minutes. Will Ludacris join Usher for Yad during the halftime show? I said yes. What did you say? Of course I said yes. And he did. Will the score of one of the teams be 10-17 or 23

at the end of the third quarter? I don't remember what we said. I didn't pay attention, Usher, but I did see when he ripped his shirt off, did he learn nothing from Adam Levine? Let's cut down to color of the Gatorade. I said yellow. What did you say? Red. It was purple. I win. It would have been red if the ice had melted more alright let's get to this soccer

thing was crazy a 35 year old player was struck by lightning and killed in a freak accident in a match in Indonesia if you haven't seen this people just look up soccer player lightning Indonesia. Isn't it heavy and it'll bum you out?

It happens pretty fast. Oh, never mind. I take it back. It was in the middle of a friendly game, it says here. Oh, yeah. It was a friendly game. That's nice. So it was in Indonesia and he just collapsed

and I saw the footage. I think it was a flop. It looked like a flop. And I'm sick of that shit. Listen, the second he went off sides, he learned his lesson. Right. You don't want to stand out. You don't want to stand out.

Stay in a pack. It just proves that even God hates soccer. That's terrible. All right, let's go international, Mike. Crinkle us in. Do you know any golfers who have been struck by lightning? That's the most popular sport for it, I think. I don't know, but I was hit in the head with a golf club once while playing.

Very close. Knocked unconscious. Did God throw it? We had a woman that in Carmel there, and there's a nine hole. She got struck. But you tell the story. I got to go get a plug for my computer. It's going dead.

She got struck and lived. So that's the good news. She lived. Tell the story. Yeah. You're interrupting. But she was wearing a necklace, and she had a burn mark around her neck. But I guess she was grounded.

Now, I don't know if she was wearing spikes. I wonder if spikes. Someone wrote in a correction this week, and they really knew what they were talking about on a, oh, when I talked about the water flooding on my roof, the guy did the math on how much six inches of water by 12 by 20 feet weighs. And then figured out how many pounds per square inch it is. And it wasn't as much as I thought.

I bet that guy will be able to write in. Thank you for doing that, sir. I bet that guy will write in and be able to tell. Would a golfer be hurt or helped if it has to be hurt if they have spikes on rather than just rubber soles huh because the spikes used to be i guess in leather soles originally but let's let's make it more difficult and say the spikes are in rubber soles. This is my prediction. He's going to say negligible difference because it's in the ground,

and that's the grounding. That's my guess. No, I used to work in the shoe room of a country club, in the shoe room of a country club. And my job was to scrub down the shoes and the spikes. And if one of the spikes was missing, I had to put a new spike in, and then I had to wax them and polish them. And so you had to put your hand inside of the shoe to get traction. And the shoe was still hot and sweaty from the fucking old fart that was wearing it

for the last five hours. But the soles were absolutely wood. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. All right. Kind of like my floor shine. My floor shine, right here in the closet, and they are wooden with nails in them all around, and they're worn out a bit, so they click and clack.

That's how I do all my tap dancing. Let's talk about this uh coke uh authorities on a search and rescue mission for two missing fishermen off the pacific coast of columbia instead found a semi-submersible vessel loaded with more than four tons of cocaine the so-called narco sub was intercepted during a joint operation by the Colombian and Ecuadorian navies. The navy released images of the seizure as well as video showing officers unloading bundles of the alleged narcotics. Four people who were on board the sub were arrested with four and a half tons of cocaine. With this seizure, the entry of more than $137 million was prevented.

And afterwards, the Colombian Navy had a small award ceremony, which lasted six weeks. This coincided with a roundup of prostitutes and goods seized from several area delicatessens. I think these navies, I'm surprised they didn't hit like six of these. You could practically run across the subs all the way to Hawaii. You know how much cocaine is sitting like eight feet underwater off the coast of Columbia? Yeah. By the way, did you see Giselda? No, but I saw a documentary on her, and I mean, she is the Scarface of Miami.

I mean- Beyond. Beyond Scarface. She was running all of Miami's coke. Griselda. What did I say? Griselda? But this movie-

Ghislaine? With what's her name in it, she's so fucking good. Sofia Vergara. She is so good. She has so fucking good. Sofia Vergara. She is so good. She has so much range. She plays a South American woman on Modern Family. And what's her role here? She's a more serious South American woman.

But no, but she really, I mean, they always say it's brave when a woman makes herself look bad. But she definitely puts on makeup that makes her look bad. She kind of slumps forward, and it was good. Definitely watch it. Okay, I'm not shaming her, but one time I'm on George Lopez at a late night show. She was the guest. We were supposed to rehearse a bit, so I go on stage. I have the headset on the director and the booth are actually in a trailer on the parking lot on the Warner brothers lot. And so I go, uh, where is, where is she? Like,

I didn't know. And so I turn around, no, I, and they're like, she's on stage and I turn around and she's not, I don't see her at all. And so I go, she's not. And I said it kind of loud. Cause I was a little frustrated. I'm like, she's not out here. And then the director like pressed his bun. He's like, she's standing right behind you. And I turn around and there was a person that I had just turned around and looked at. And then I screamed, she's not out here. And she's in a trench coat with no makeup on and was unrecognizable. I'm not saying she wasn't beautiful. But like, have you ever seen especially like blonde women when they don't like darken their eyebrows or like eyelashes with makeup?

I mean, I think one of the powders like this and their faces, they're a little unright because their features are Christina Aguilera I was working on a TV show that she came on and she wasn't done up and I absolutely did not recognize her right well she normally wears so much like like bold coloring you know with her lips and her eyes that I did not recognize her. Huh. Yeah. So that was fun. I'm like, oh, hey. And I had a fumble in makeup that I didn't see her. Denman is writing that Billy Corbin did the Doc Cocaine Cowboys, which originally pushed her out into the public. Okay.

Interesting factoid. We talked with Denman about Corbin before. A severely burned Indian woman who was thought to be dead reportedly woke up in a hearse moments before she was going to be cremated. Just in time. Bougie Amah, 52, suffered burns over half her body in a February 1st house fire and was treated at a medical center took a turn for the worst after being released but her hard-up family could not afford to take her to another hospital on monday she did not she did not open her eyes did not show signs of breathing quote we thought she was dead and informed others in the locality to arrange a hearse van to carry her body to the cremation ground her husband said

and by the way they got half off at the crematorium because she was already partially burned they gave her a break so husband's like um no plans have already been made we've already called the insurance company let's move this along let's go yeah uh is that how he talked how did he really sound let's go a little i put a little flay a little curry i just put a little curry on it a tiny bit they i love that they wanted to go back to the hospital but they couldn't afford it meanwhile she's in a fucking hearse how about get your priorities straight yeah you know what a hearse costs in india you got to pay the guy that's pulling it with the two wooden sticks.

Can you imagine a hearse in Indian traffic? That's not going to go well. No. Yeah. We're going to skip this story, but we're going to tease it next week, that there's a great story about apes. Yes, with their senses of humor. Here's one about a bear.

A Peruvian police officer lured out a suspected drug dealer with a fake Valentine's gift while wearing a fuzzy bear costume and beckoning her into the street with a box of chocolates. Video shows the officer down on one knee holding a sign that reads in

Spanish, you are my reason to smile. The duped suspect comes out on the porch before the video cuts to another shot this time uh he has his mask on still but she is in handcuffs uh they police pulled out multiple stashes of what appeared to be heroin or a similar opioid i'm guessing if she got lured into the open by chocolates from a giant teddy bear, might have found some weed and mushrooms in there as well. So, I mean, he's doing drug busts in Peru. How is the headline not cocaine bear?

Right. I mean, it's right there. And it was Peru, so a giant stuffed bear is only four foot six they are the smallest aren't they i think they are she trying to be the new grizelda or whatever who is this drug dealer from south america she looked small timey i put a picture in there do you see the picture she She's tiny. She looks like a girl. She looks like 12 years old. One of the women in the factory in drug movies

that's stuffing all the packages. Yeah, they're packing cocaine in their bra and underwear. Yeah, exactly. Alright. Are we going to this day in history? You want to skip science? Yeah, let's skip science and go right to this day in history you want to skip science yeah let's skip science and go right to this day in history you got it pal oh i do see what'd you write here dunkin donuts

i think we have to at some point we have to talk about these dunkin donuts ads yeah what the hell are they thinking okay this day in history i'm gonna look up so you know so you know that i'm not googling the answer while you're giving this to me the question so using a 13-inch telescope at the lowell observatory in flagstaff arizona a 24 year old american with no formal training in astronomy discovered the dwarf planet Pluto on this day on what year? Now, is this when they— Give or take 30. Is this when they changed the status of Pluto to a dwarf?

No, this is when—no, no, you're right. That is tricky language. No, Pluto was discovered as a planet. Okay. Jesus, I don't know. Arizona, I'm going to say 1910. You went according to my bet. So it's 1930.

Okay. Sneaked it in. That's not bad. Toni Morrison, born on this day, what year? In Lorain, Ohio. What's the range I get to guess in? You have a 10-year range. Well, really, that makes it 20.

You have a 20-year range. Well, really, that makes it 20. You have a 20-year range. 1938. Woo! 1931. Nice. Okay. Let's see if there's anything else here, but I want to skip because it's a very, very boring. I mean, Dale Earnhardt died on this day.

Do you know what year that was? In the Daytona 500. 19... Final 500. 19. Final lap. 1987. 2001. I would have given you five years on that one. So nothing.

Okay. Here we go. Let me see. I think. So Monday, February 19th. Way more interesting. Karl Lagerfeld. remember that he was shot and killed? Who's Karl Lagerfeld?

Was he Chanel? No, he just died in Paris. I'm confusing him. I forget who I'm confusing him with. Harper Lee died. I don't like any of these. To kill a mockingbird? How about this?

Fidel Castro formally resigned on tomorrow. What year? February 19th. What year? When his brother took over. When his brother took over. I would say 2017. 2008.

I think I would have only given you five years. Really? 2008? Damn. Okay. Give or take five years. Betty Friedan published The Feminine Mystique. February 19th, what year? 1965. Nice. 1963. Okay.

Okay, here's the last one, because it's fun, I think. They're playing along at home. We're fast-forwarding. Kansas became the first U.S. state to include the prohibition of alcoholic beverages in its state constitution i'm gonna give you i'm gonna give you hold on i'm gonna give you 20 years on either side of the year 1900 you fucking did it 1881 nice i would have guessed later well because, because Prohibition started in 1920. Yeah, right around 1920. God, Kansas was a dry state all those years?

Wow, all right. That was good. You did well. Not bad. Yeah, I'd say. People find out that I've got Google Glasses and I'm staring at the ceiling and guessing. Here we go, the obits. Oh, boy.

You know what? This isn't that sad. At 96 years old, the inventor of the Pop-Tart, William Bill Post, has died. It would be so cool if people went to his wake and he popped out of the coffin. They should have done that. Just get some springs, put some icing on his face. Is it open casket if someone tears that aluminum foil thing open and slides them out? It is. Known for sharing his unending supply of Pop-Tarts.

I guess he had a reputation for that. In an interview featured in the Kelanova, which is Kellogg's corporate name, on the YouTube page, Post shared that he had to break every rule in the book when he created Pop-Tarts. He explained that he would never have been more intimidated had he known in time how huge Pop-Tarts would become. News of his death comes months ahead of the May 3rd release, I did not hear about this, of Unfrosted, the Pop-Tart story on Netflix directed by Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, so it's going to go deep. It's going to challenge you right to your core.

Who is this person? What on Pop-Tarts? The film highlights the race between Kellogg's and Post to create a new breakfast pastry. In addition to Seinfeld, the film also stars Melissa McCarthy, Jim Gaffigan, Hugh Grant, and Daniel Levy. Hmm. Oh, there's a Pop-Tart mascot that Denman just put up.

Okay. But I was reminded of Brian Regan's amazing bit on Pop-Tarts. Do you remember that? No. They have directions. He's like, how is there more than one step? Shouldn't it be toast Pop-Tart? But he then goes through the directions and there's two sets of directions.

There's one for the toaster, but there's also one for the microwave. He's like, how fast do you need this? He's like, how long does the toaster take? A minute if you want it browned? YouTube, Brian Regan, Pop-Tart. It's like two and a half minutes, and I guarantee you laugh. It's so good well i feel like we need to cheer up all right here we go we're going to funnies

well this was sent in uh by a listener who's a dear friend of the show, George from GS Artworks, who actually did this Sunday Papers logo over my shoulder that we framed. Nice. So he did a little comic strip. We're going to post it. You're going to see it if you're watching right now. And it is, it's a Blondie cartoon where I am Dagwood

and I walk in, I say, finally we meet. I already took care of your husband and you just see feet laying out of frame and a mallet and she goes Dagwood oh no and I say but Blondie and then Dick Tracy has got me outside and he's saying you're coming with me and then I'm in jail and they bring in Hager the Horrible, who calls me a sicko. Well, hello. They're wheeling Hager in like a Hannibal Lecter.

Oh, Hager Hannibal. He's on a dolly. Wow. That's pretty great. Pretty great. Thank you, George. Yeah. Let's get to the Lockhorns.

Leroy comes in and he says, I never thought I'd ever be spending two hours a day in a gym. And I was right. See, you feel smart. Some resolutions work out in different ways. You've been going to the gym. That was your resolution, wasn't it? I have been going to the gym, actually. Look at you. And I tell you, you, oh yeah, you know,

I went up and skied. Yeah. A mammoth, I didn't pay this, but mammoth is $249 a day. What? On weekends. No, it's not. So I was on a lift, right? And this guy's very pro-mama. He's like, isn't this the greatest, you know, and he's a fucking white clueless guy. And he's like, isn't this the greatest? I'm like, yeah, it's great. I go, it's, it's kind of expensive. And he's one of those guys and you'd be the same way. And I go, yeah, no, it is great. I go, I can't believe, you know what? I was lighthearted. I swear to God. I was like, but I couldn't believe how expensive it's gotten. Right. And he's like, it and i i just couldn't so i'm like is it like just say nothing just fucking you don't even know this guy's first name right and i'm like is

it i go let's say you take this you you know, uh, 10 times today, right? Like if you go all the way to the top and all that, let's say you take 10 lip rides. I go, when I go to a club and they charge me, if they charge me a $25 cover for, I'm going to spend the whole night in there. Say, right. I'm going to spend the whole night and party and have a great time. I'm pissed about the 25. party and have a great time. I'm pissed about the 25. I go, you are paying 25 for this chair ride.

Just this one right now. Yeah. That's obscene. 25 bucks. How was the hotel? You told me that you got the last hotel available online after motel six had been sold out it was the worst and then they overbooked and um so my buddy jesse and i went and we they had one king bed and then when we opened it when we opened the pullout the mattress was already falling through it like without any weight on it it was already going down because nothing was supporting it so we called like oh yes Oh yes, yes, yes. We're so sorry. Also, they said the manager wants to speak with you when he gets in tomorrow, he's going to give you a refund of some sort. And so we ordered a cot. And so we had to double up the mattresses rather than our homophobic plan of us splitting the King bed and both being in it.

Oh my God. and then we flipped the coin and i won the bed thank god because i was sore yeah yeah so it's good skiing though yeah lots of snow and i got it down to way less than 25 a ride uh because i took uh we did a lot of vertical uh we got a lot of skiing in both days. How long did it take you to drive up there? The drive was easy both ways. Wow. Well, I woke up at 3 a.m.

I picked him up at 3, I woke up at 3.15. I picked him up at 4 o'clock in Sherman Oaks, and we had a drive. I mean, sunset was, you know, three hours into our drive, two and a half hours into our drive at sunrise. And then, uh, we drove home on Saturday. So that was easy. You must've been wiped driving home on Saturday. Yeah. Pop, popped the Natterall. Hadn't had one of those in a long time. It worked. I hadn't had one of those in a long time. It worked.

You made it. That's great. And we watched TV on the drive home. We watched True Detective. No, you didn't. We watched three episodes of True Detective. No, you didn't. Yeah. Who was driving?

You know I watched me. You know I watched all the Game of Thrones going to Burbank. And then when there was, I've told you this, it's surprising. It's kind of like old school radio, like radio show. Yeah. But like now in the Queens quarters, like once you establish where a scene is, you don't have to look that much.

Now when I've been watching this recent season of True Detective and I find myself actually looking away from the TV anyway. I think it's the worst thing. First of all, okay. It's horrible. Okay, check me if I'm wrong. And of all, okay. It's horrible. Okay, check me if I'm wrong. And apparently this latest episode, everyone's like, okay, they got me. I might keep watching.

But a zombie, right? I mean, is that the only thing it could be called? A dead guy who's been frozen and found and quartered off and it's a crime scene screams yeah and then one of them goes missing and they're working in a tiny town of like a thousand people and they continue working not only do they continue working on other cases but they're like fucking their boss. And there's a zombie missing. There's a zombie missing. And it's as if it was a jaywalking offense. Nobody is reacting.

There's no like CIA, NSA people coming to town, top scientists. It's all just like being in the hands of a local police department. It's absurd. And I know what the writer would say. It's like, oh yeah, you're saying, first of all, all these guys were killed. So how they became zombie. Okay. So that that's gigantic. They're all out there frozen. They were terrified and killed before they froze to death. You learn anyway. So there's a zombie on the loose, right? So I know what the writer would say. The would be like yes i i see what you're saying they are working on an old case of a missing girl and uh but that's gonna be related

it's like well then fucking find a way for that to make sense because that's not just why they don't know it's related they would have dropped this i hate to use an unintentional wordplay but the cold case they would drop because it takes place in alaska yes it's a piece of shit it's a piece of shit and it's a worse version of alaska daily which our friend was in which was a much better show on abc about about missing uh alaskan women indigenous women in alaska get this, Greg. I still haven't found the name of this comic strip that that viewer, if you're listening, you sent it in, you were like, it's a far side. And I read one from it last week

and I clipped it out too tight so I didn't see the title of it and I can't find it. So what I decided to do is live, I went and Googled family circus and I put on images and I have just picked one and I'm reading it and I hate to say it

it's not bad so I'm going not to show you Greg I'm just going to describe it and I want you to guess the punchline it's the dumb dad he's sitting in a chair the three kids are there he's got the little baby then he's got the dumb dad right he's sitting in a chair the three kids are there he's got he's

got the little baby then he's got the dumb redheaded boy billy sitting on his lap and then the little girl and it's and and the book you can see the cover is the first christmas and you see the three wise men on their camels coming up to the manger and um the little girl comes up and points at the book and she talks to the dad now i could have you guess there or i can give you i'll give you the beginning she says to the dad instead of gold frankincense and myrrh and then she says her punchline um shouldn't they be bringing talcum powder uh you nailed it no i'll bet mary wished they brought diapers ah there we go i was gonna say diapers next oh yours was more elegant right you? You were going to mirror the three gifts, right? Yep.

Incense. Except incense would stay the same. Because the little shitty, dirty Jesus with his shit all over his ass. You joke now, my friend. One day you're going to be at the pearly gates and St. Peter is going to just pull up a podcast to show Jesus Christ. It's not going to help. It's not going to help my case of avoiding hell when I'm like, why were you such dicks? Why is it such a dickhead God?

Yeah. Literally. Why all the suffering? He can control everything. But really like Peter is the ultimate door guy. Yeah. You got to rub his foot. Yeah.

Um, all right, let's do a little blondie. Fuck Face is on the chair. He's got on a violet colored sweater with the collar sticking out and he's reading a book. He's reading a book and she's always reading a magazine.

She can't handle a book. She goes, is that do it yourself book helpful and he goes absolutely and then he goes i'm more convinced than ever that we should hire someone to remodel our bathroom for us um what um i don't know it's oh i see i literally don't even remember putting this in the script. But sometimes there's a week of Blondie comic strips that are Dagwood at the diner, Dagwood at work, Dagwood and Herb standing on the lawn.

And this was literally the only one with the human being Blondie in the strip. And even though we only get her face on the third frame, it's worth it just to see it, just to brighten up my day. You can barely see her ankle. It's a beautiful ankle. And she's got on a light green shoe matching her sweater. And you just think, this guy,

go fucking fix something. Earn her. Screw something. Screw something. Earn her. Screw something. Screw something. Meanwhile, she's reading a do-it-yourself magazine packed with vibrators. Exactly. Yeah, hers is a sex manual. Hers is a do-it-yourself sex manual.

Solo time forever. That's funny. Meanwhile, the one up top that George drew, I thought Dick Tracy was grabbing you because you were pleasuring yourself because you were just with Blondie. That's what I thought was going to happen. Yeah. I think that's why you're in jail. Yeah.

I could see that. George is from Germany, so that's probably it because they are some kinky bastards up there. And now you're like Migs in a prison cell with Hannibal coming by. Remember Migs? Yes. Did he throw it at her, Migs? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He jerked off. He masturbated and then threw it and hit Clarice when she was walking in. in but uh i will say we on the the ben show which was one of my favorite shows to ever work on in comedy central a sketch show with ben hoffman we wanted and it was rejected by comedy central we wanted to do an actor's studio with migs like that's great with james lipton with all the cue cards just interviewing him about how he masturbated and how, how he got so accurate at throwing it. All right. Listen,

if that didn't make you lose your appetite, head to factor meals and get yourself 50% off. And you use the code papers 50. Also don't forget. We love, love, love. Uh, when we have some fun over at PrizePix. Go to prizepix.com slash papers, and they'll deposit. They'll do a first deposit match of up to $100. Okay.

Well, thanks to Chris Demmon. He was sharp today. He was full of fun factoids. And it's late there. It's late. I know. So let's thank the rest of Midcoast Media for everything they do for us. And Mike, anything you want to... Oh, did I give my dates?

I did. Anything you want to promote? No, I don't think. Oh, no, I'll save it for the next time. But I'm proud. I send you the clip. A old meme came around that was popular when we were younger and from my daughter. So I'll talk about that next week.

Great. All right. Well, thanks for listening, watching, however you process this. And we'll talk to you soon. Take it easy. Take it easy. soon take it eesh take it eesh like dagwood needs blondie and hagar store helga like kathy loves chocolate and the lock horns need couples therapy i listen to sunday papers every sunday with greg and mike