Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 209 3/24/24

Episode Date: March 24, 2024

A St Paddy’s Day recap, Mitch McConnell’s sister in law plays submarine w/ her Tesla, a paralyzed man plays chess w/ his mind and a FLA Man plays target practice w/ his roommate. Plus a mass murdering Uber driver.

where it's at two turntables and a microphone uh-huh where it's at two two two two turntables and a microphone uh-huh uh-huh and why are you screaming why Read all about it There he goes Read all about it Sunday Papers coming in from St. Louis Not St. Louis, St. Louis As well as Nashville, Tennessee Sure

And LA, dude Nice, man Yeah, why aren't you on the road? All right, all right, all right I have Well, I don't go on the road? All right, all right, all right. I have, well, I don't go on the road every weekend. I'm around this weekend. I did a bunch of shows at the store in the improv.

And then Tom O'Neill came out to my show at the improv last night. That's nice. I had to meet up with Mary Fitz, and then she came down with a migraine. Oof. So we went out to this really cool restaurant that Santino recommended. Oh, so fucking good. What was it? Next time we're in Hollywood, we're going to have to go to this place.

It's called. Is it called Dick's? Because Santino eats a lot of dicks. Damn. What? Lantica. Lantica Pizzeria de Michelle. Really good food.

Very cool atmosphere without being pretentious. High end or what? No, I would say medium to upper end. No, upper end, but not expensive. It was three of us. I picked up the check, and it was $1.20 with tip. Why wasn't I there? I've never seen that.

Yeah. And the great Kira Soltanovich came out with us. You know her, right? Yep. God damn. She's the most underrated comic in LA. I say that about Ian Bagg, and now he's blowing up. But she's really great.

And then, yeah. Then I went to the store. And I had had a set Wednesday night. And you know the story, you introduce the person after you? Yeah. So Bobby Lee was on after me. And I just went up. And for some reason, I just fucking annihilated.

It was like sometimes you just find a rhythm and you just, and the crowd is right. And he talked about it on his podcast the next day. He went on stage and bombed and said it was my fault because I did so well. And then he cried before he got off the stage. That's what you want to do as a comedian. You want to make the next guy fucking cry. You feel so good about your job after that happens.

That's fantastic. Yes, definitely. It's like being an abortion doctor. If the person's not crying when you're done, you didn't really do your job. That's fine. Well, if you did that material, he might not have cried. If you included that joke.

Right. Last week, we did our St.rick's day show at the yeah we sure did and uh you went up i thought you did great you don't feel you don't seem to feel no no no i tried talking about amsterdam and uh and and too much uh about uh anne frank the institutional knowledge of anne frank was i don't think great in the audience also. But anyway, it was all right. And then I just started. You closed strong. Well, here's the thing that I would say to you.

It was short, though. You got to give me credit. It was short. Here's the thing I would say to you. And I assumed you knew this after being around comedy for this many years. Uh-oh. You don't ever open on brand new shit. You got to give them one or two jokes.

Of course, I don't know that. What do you mean? That's all I have. I don't do comedy. You have jokes that you know work. You got enough material that one or two jokes. Of course I don't know that. What do you mean? That's all I have. I don't do comedy. You have jokes that you know work. You got enough material that works. I know, but this is the thing. I think, I do stand up once a year,

I think these people have seen, saw me last year. You think I don't repeat jokes in front of these people? I know it's a problem, Greg. It's a problem. Although people were upset I didn't do my Florence McCarthy joke this year. They kind of, it's my free bird, I think, on the St. Patrick's Day show. You did very well, though. Everyone was talking about it, including me.

And you had to have felt that was one of your best years. It felt good. Yeah, it felt really fun. It was really, really good. And I thought that the whole show, Harlan let it off, which he shouldn't go on first because the crowd, they need to see a bunch of normal comedy and then see a guy who's doing anti-comedy.

Right. For it to really pop the way it should. That's what happened last year. That's what happened last year. He popped like crazy. It was great. And the Sklar brothers just the Sklar brothers are just so strong because now they've got this they've kind of changed their style a little bit they used to tag each other and now they both land on the punch line together it's like a sledgehammer and they're kind of doing like they break into mini sketches yeah i think i could talk about it they have a very funny bit i won't do specifics they

have a very funny bit if their kid was kidnapped and the conversation they'd have with the person demanding ransom. And I think it was a one-sided call, but then the other brothers in the room, like, well, what did he say? So it's like watching a sketch. It was very, very funny. Yeah, and then who else went on the show? Annie Letterman was on fire. She destroyed.

She destroyed, and it was great. She destroyed. She destroyed. And it was great. It was sold out. It sells out every year. So every year, got to get your tickets early. People get upset. And then me and Laureen made Irish soda bread.

Everybody in the crowd got a piece of home-baked Irish soda bread. We had a contest. I won it. Although she's disputing the results. She's saying the election

was fixed. Just like you did last year when she won. That's right. And then Dennis Gubbins all of a sudden appeared. Well, Dennis was not given a spot on the show this year, but I said, let's do a sketch. And so he did a very funny little bit where he walked around like a lunatic, like an Irish waiter.

He was dressed as a waiter. And then I said, you're not a waiter. I said, I know the whole waitstaff here. You're not a waiter at the improv. And then he was scanning people's faces in the crowd. And he says, I'm looking for Kate Middleton. And it was the whole thing about how he was going to kidnap her to free Northern Ireland. That was fun.

Needed a blow. It needed an ending a little bit. Right. And then ahead of his time, he was like, she should get cancer. I thought that was weird. He didn't say that. The logo this week comes from, oh, wait. No, no.

We got other stuff to talk about. Oh, and then St. Patrick's Day night, we went out on our friend's boat, Matthew, who's Tom's nephew. He's got this little, what do you call that boat? What kind of boat is that? Oh, yeah, I do know the name of it. I forget. It's an electric boat and it seats like, you know. It's like a pontoon kind of a boat.

Ten people. Yeah, not a pontoon, though. I forget the name of that boat, but yeah. But it was a beautiful night and we cruised around the marina. Everybody took mushrooms. What? Yeah, I i didn't by the way i got there late i guess oh and then we got and there was this girl there who i am so in love with she is a friend of matthews and she's like i mean she's got to be 25 or something and she's a

funky lesbian chick who crushes grapes up in Northern California for most of the time. And now she's living in one of those crazy apartments that's on the boardwalk in Venice beach. And she just like glowed positive energy. And she was such a nice addition to the night. I think it's a Duffy. Yes.

That's what it's called. It's a Duffy. It's a Duffy yes that's what it's called it's a duffy it's a duffy electric boat you'll see them they're really they're like a uh a little living room on the water i mean not a living room but it's everyone's sitting around and it's super quiet you can enclose it with the plastic which was nice because it did get a little chilly. And then we decided we got hungry around 9 o'clock and we're like, let's go to Killer Shrimp because Killer Shrimp has its own slip so you can dock your boat and go right into the restaurant. And so we were so excited.

Well, right in might be an overstatement. We all had to climb over a locked fence. Well, that's what I was getting to. Then we got to the gate on the slip, and it was locked. Who was the first one over? Was it you? I was one of the first. I don't know if I was the first.

Yeah, but some of the women had on skirts and high-heeled shoes, and all of a sudden it was like there was a crowd of people watching us almost fall into the water. Yeah, the whole restaurant outside, yeah, was watching us. And then we get into the restaurant, and I swear to it's a big restaurant there was hundreds of people eating and it was 99 black in an area that's predominantly white and i mean i guess shrimp is a pretty big dish in black culture because i've never seen anything like it. That's the theory, huh? Well, what's your theory?

My theory is you're racist. I mean, no, give me another theory besides. It's just, it's gotten to be a popular place. Maybe I don't, maybe it's always been, but obviously there's places where the demographics skew one way or another. So you're telling me that a restaurant in an all white area that's filled it completely. The population is black, that it doesn't have something to do with the only entree that they have on the menu which is shrimp

it's killer shrimp man i don't know well listen it's not like it's a it's not like it's an inexpensive place like if you went off the stereotypes of like red lobster or something like that red lobster economically that makes sense we're probably gonna get in trouble let's just move on so I'm trying to talk technically here. And now both our parents, there's a health update on both our parents. My mom had an MRI. They're

exploring some things with her, but she's doing good. I did not know that. I'm sorry. Well, we should talk more. I started telling you. You and your mom, you mean? We're playing golf, and we're sitting on the fifth tee. No, the third tee.

Fourth tee. And we're sitting on the bench and I start telling you, opening up about my trip to Florida and how my mom's got a pretty major health concern going right now. And then you go, nice drive, Mikey. And then you literally just stood up and walked over and teed off while I sat there. I was like, I can't fucking believe what just happened. Well, I was down in Florida with my dad and I see where I think where I get a lot of that from.

So I apologize for that. No, but then I heard everything. I heard everything. I mean, I don't want to talk about it here, but I heard the concern. I heard how it's physically manifesting and why she's looking into it. Yeah, but she's fine. If anybody's listening to the podcast that doesn't, that knows my mom, she's fine. She's a little exploring. You know, look, she's 82. There's a lot of exploring that goes on at that age. And then your dad, of course, had a little procedure, which went fine. Yeah, it's just a simple thing

where they go in and they burn his heart. So it's very, it's a stop AFib. And it's called an ablation. He's already had one and this was the follow-up to it. They knew they didn't get

all of it last time. And so then, but it went well. So then they were like, wait, let's wait and see. I think they waited a little over a year probably or a year anyway but so he's fine he did spend the night in hospital florida is

first of all florida hospitals are next level and i don't mean in a good way if you go to a hospital that you know a public hospital has an emergency room in florida there is all they are they are busy let's just put it that way they are busy with who like well with gunshot victims stabbings you you name it homeless people oh look at look at our florida man stories yeah right so anyway i went out though uh like after nine and it's by like lake worth or something and and i i went to this uh starbucks because i knew they he wanted like a smooth his throat was sore from being the tubes going down it so anyway i got like a basically starbucks milkshake but it was open i knew what it was great and And I went there and I have to say, if I lived in Florida, I think I would, I would definitely own a gun because I just felt

so vulnerable and scared of everybody around me and their guns. Yeah. Right. It's kind of like, yeah, you, you gotta, you gotta just, uh, understand the terrain there and understand that the cops aren't going to get there before this guy shoots you with his gun. But it's like, and I know we do Florida, man, but it truly is like every neighborhood, this sounds horrible, but like has dirt bags in it. Like no matter what neighborhood you're in, there's a fucking crazy jacked truck and like tatted up flip-flop guy. And it just seems to be everywhere like uh anyway well it's also i think when you're in

an area that has people that are really dissimilar from you you know like a guy with flip-flops and tattoos like you just don't see that in other places so it causes alarm i think just in a biological level there's something that's different here and it kind of goes to the heart of racism in some ways is there's the other there's the people that are mysterious to you because they are physically different and it causes apprehension and worst case scenario causes bad behavior and racism and uh what you're experiencing right now is your sort of racism towards Florida people. It's worse than your racism towards Philly people. Yeah. And I guess it doesn't feel like it cause you know, they're all white, but yeah, it is

definitely, uh, uh, uh, yeah, it, it is a form of discrimination for sure. Prejudice. I should say prejudice, but, uh, and I don't know, I haven't done a good job describing it because, you know, a jacked up truck and tats doesn't mean someone's a dirtbag. But I was like looking over my shoulder constantly. And I just feel, I feel safer in technically less safe places, you know, like in Venice sometimes. That's so funny you say that

because like I was walking down my street and I like in Venice sometimes. That's so funny you say that because like I was walking down my street and I live in Venice and I like that I have to look over my shoulder a little bit. I like that I have to watch my step and be aware. I lived in New York for a decade in the city and I lived in Boston for a lot of years and, you know, I've always lived in cities and all these people go,

for a lot of years. And, you know, I've always lived in cities and I, all these people go, eh, eh, Venice Beach, eh, eh, eh, I'm in the mood

to fucking, to me, eh. Shut the fuck up and grow a dick. It's a fucking city. And you know what you get with a city? You get artists.

You get diversity. You get a little edge. You get a little grit. It's interesting. It's, It's exciting. If you want to go live in a gated community in fucking Ohio, get the fuck out. I don't need you here. Stop acting like I'm the freak for living in a place that has action, that has a naked woman swinging a fucking sword on Ven.

Remember our story last week? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A naked woman swinging. You going to get that in Tolledo fuck face no you're gonna get a bunch of overweight people walking through a mall talking about what they saw on netflix last night get out of here get him out get out of greg's face all right to lighten up the Florida thing. This was hysterical. So I'm in the hospital. Let me just follow up on saying on the on the stereotyping thing.

So sometimes we get shit from listeners that we make cheap shots on racial stereotypes. And we are actually very serious about going out of our way to stop doing that as much and stop taking the low hanging fruit and shooting a little higher in our comedy. Just say, putting that out there. Gotcha. Who complained? The Asians don't do it.

Okay. So, uh, I, here's a funny thing. All right. So I'm in the hospital, by the way,

here come types. And I'm about to do an accent. the, I'm in there, uh, in at night and they, the nurse who's in charge of getting the dinner orders. I don't know. This is going around now. Almost every nurse, including the male nurses are sounded like they had Islander accents, Jamaica and other Caribbean islands and stuff like that, because this is right near West Palm. Right. So anyway, and a lot of the people on the floor, almost all of them, because he was in the cardiac wing of the hospital, are old. And I just heard.

So the first thing I heard before i knew what was going on was omelet omelet eggs now just just i can't get in trouble because i can't do an accent so i am actually not even doing an accurate accent so it's such a blend that i don't think i can get canceled colombian well this was a woman with a very big voice going, and you hear like, huh? And he's like, omelet, omelet, waffle. And he's like, what? What? And so he has incredible trouble hearing.

And my dad took out his hearing aids. So then it fucking, all of a sudden I'm walking down the hall and I hear, he's like, I don't know what you're, am I here? My dad he's like I don't know what you're am I hear my dad's voice I don't know what you're saying and I had already experienced watching this all up and down the hallways of old people like what ah nothing I I don't want anything you don't want breakfast he's like what and this it was hysterical so now i hear my dad's voice i don't know what you're saying and i run in and i'm like let's do it and i'm like it's omelet and he's like no what else i'm like it's and meanwhile i already know the whole menu because i've heard it up and down the hallway yeah and

i saved the day he ordered his breakfast but it's not only an island like basically it's a heavy jamaican accent but they're forced to wear masks oh god yeah so there's no there's no even so you know i see my dad like looking at this masked woman who's screaming out different like you know sides in this for your juice from my what and it's it was crazy see it was it was a i should have pressed record on my phone it was no juice no juice no there's a lot of juice here no no juice yeah so uh anyway that was amazing and then the last thing i'll say about florida man is uh in that part of florida anyway in addition to the people we've already talked about it's like yellow lines in the middle of the road are like a gentle suggestion that often people's left wheels are just entirely on

the other side of it right right i right. I know. An adventure. Now, there was a comedian in Boston. He used to say, if you're driving in Florida and a car stops ahead of you and it lasts longer than 20 seconds, they're dead. Drive around.

Yeah, exactly. Thank you to Joseph Tarnacki, who made a great logo this week. Kind of a throwback to, we had a couple similar ones years ago. Yeah, we did. Yeah, you look very similar. The old newsy boys,

and you're in the background, and no gubbins. I kept scanning the face to see if they put a gubbins back there. That's always extra point on the logos if you do that. Looking for new logos, by the way, and songs if you want to pull out

your pens and your guitars fitz dog radio at gmail.com uh send them in we love them we appreciate them rob mitchell what a great song this week yeah and also you know thank you rob you get a clip of these songs at the beginning of the show but if you ever want to hear the whole song we always play it at the end of the episode, so check that out. Thank you, Rob. Corrections, a bunch of... Wait, do you have paper? Remember, corrections is our own little...

I got banana chips bags. Here we go. I got one, too. We'll split through these. Go ahead. Oh, that's a good one. This is from Gaz, who says, I'm sure you'll get a bunch of these,

but Satanists don't believe in satan or lucifer or any embodiment of the devil they believe in and follow satanic teaches which teachings which are really not bad when you read them keep an eye on this fucking guy anyway love the show i didn't know that did you know that no I don't know what he means I guess I think well I think satanic is a pagan it's an ancient pagan religion and

maybe it's it's like killer whales like killer whales don't kill people and yet they're called killer whales figure that out you're talking about the orcas? Christians today don't really follow the teachings of Christ. Figure that out. It doesn't make sense.

Here we go. No, they do the opposite. Satanism, the worship or veneration of Satan, a figure from Christian belief who was also commonly known as the devil or Lucifer. Okay. All right, Gaz. Well, you know.

These are suggested corrections. Sometimes they're wronger than we are. Kurt says, I think you and Mike missed a decent joke last week. We get a lot of these. People telling us a joke we missed. When you recounted the story of watching porn for the first time and your Colombian friend's brother,

who was in jail for cocaine trafficking grabbed your dick you could say he was you could you could say he was just saying hello to your little friend hey now that's not bad i like that it was good uh and there's two camps of satanists now modern satanists are you a modern satanist there's the atheists or the rationalists um and the rationalist uh satan is a symbol of values they wish to champion and the supernatant or whatever okay seems like they worship the devil but all right uh andy and san diego andy and san diego I know it may be a bit, but San Diego is not white. La Jolla is white, similar to Bel Air and East L.A. And I looked it up, and yeah, San Diego is also a county,

and I believe there's a large amount of Latinos and Asians, so fine. But yeah, in the area I was in La Jolla, it is white with the H first. Right. David says on a recent podcast, Fitz dog radio, you mentioned that you heard, Oh, it's Fitz dog radio that you heard that massage in Thailand is only done by the blind. I had that story about, I got a blind massage. I told you that story, right? Yeah. As someone that has been to Thailand a few times,

I can 100% inform you that it is not the case. There are blind massage places. These are places less likely to offer a happy ending, though that still happens. So some of the blind places, so the blind places don't offer the happy ending. I think that if I was going to go to a happy ending place in Thailand, I think I want them blind.

I don't want a woman looking at me, you know, in that state of shame. And also when you're just handing her $1 bills when you're paying at the end exactly uh tour dates coming up boca raton florida meisner park april 3rd uh come on down and say hi to my mom she'll be there with a large number of old people from her building do you want to but do you want the vodka soda a what oh yeah but the gin and tonic the what uh also at that show two of my best friends from high school will be there wow and then um a guy best buddies. Who's kind of my point person for the last 10 years of working with best buddies.

Mark Wiley will be there. Uh, it's going to be a party. I'm going down a day early to hang out with my high school buddies. One of them got into wall street, started a hedge fund is now a ready for this. Billionaire. We talked about it.

You guys split a bill once. I never understood it. That's right. You never understood it. I guess he's got a pretty insane place in Miami, so I'm going to stay there for a couple nights. And then I'm going to head to Tampa to side splitters, April 4th to the 6th.

Mamaronek at the Emmeline Theater, May 31st. Just announced we are now locked down for Austin, the mothership, June 7th through the 9th. Oh, nice. And then Pittsburgh, I'm doing the WDVE Festival with Harlan Williams on June 21st. Oh, very cool. For everything at FitzDawg.com.

Now let's talk about, oh, we have a lot of sponsors, but I got to say, this is the one that just pays off for our listeners i we get so much good email about game time it's really changed lives got it called up right here you want to see the sixes of the clippers tomorrow 12 30 21 bucks and we know that's gonna go no way we know that's going to go down. Yup, yup, yup. The NCAA Women's Tournament, I got to tell you, way more popular than the WNBA. We got that.

Although it is $36, but it's Monday the 25th. What other bands? I like going to Discover because they show you everything. And I've said that before. So wait, that's LA. Let me go to Nashville. Let me see what's popping in Nashville. And in the meantime, let me remind you guys that it is the fast and easy way to buy tickets. The app is so easy.

A couple of taps. You got it in your phone. You don't have to download. You don't have to transfer. You don't have to print. It's just there. And you can take a look at what your seats look like they've got a viewing function on the on the app where

you can look around um it's just it's a low price guarantee they have event cancellation protection and uh last minute tickets flash deals zone It's amazing. Yeah, it is. And I like going on, as I said, to discover just to see what's going on that night because a lot of times it's like I use it almost as the entertainment listings for the town. Red Wings of Predators. Jeez, today at 4, I guess that's heating up because that's still at 2.03, but it will drop. I was scanning this, so I don't know what you heard heard did you talk about the zone deals and everything yeah the game time guarantee you talked about that

yep did it all so take the guesswork out of buying tickets with game time download the game time app create an account and use code papers for 20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code PAPERS for $20 off. Download game time today. Last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. Nice. Get to it. Front page. Extra!

Extra! We all love it! Extra! Here we go. Crinkle that banana wrapper. Foremost Group CEO Angela Chao was intoxicated last month when she accidentally drove her Tesla SUV in reverse over a wall into a pond on the Texas ranch she owned with her husband.

This is Angela Chao. a Texas ranch she owned with her husband. This is Angela Chow. Chow drowned after friends and rescue workers tried without success to get the 50-year-old out of the submerged vehicle. It showed her blood alcohol level was at.233. That is three times the legal limit to drive. Her sister-in-law, you might note, is Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell's. That's his sister-in-law you might note is senate minority leader mitch mcconnell's uh that's that's his sister-in-law uh her sister's married to mitch mcconnell correct that's what

his sister-in-law is which supplies all the conflict of interest by the way which mcconnell has been very rightly accused of um uh anyway favoring policies that will benefit his wife's company uh so an asian woman backed a car into a pool um well you can't talk about it after your little announcement up top um you can't talk about it after your little announcement up top. Um, sure. All right. This hurts.

This physically hurts. By the way, Mitch McConnell blames Tesla and Obama, which I thought was weird. I think I can say, I wish she was driving her brother-in-law at the time. That's, that's fair time that's that's fair to say that i think that's fair yeah well i will say this bitch can pre-game yeah and yeah she

left the house yet point two three three i i don't want to make light of it i mean it's a tragedy her billionaire husband i don't know if he was home but that's that's the ranch they live on together yep um you think with all that money they could build a bigger wall behind the asian wife's uh path of driving or a wall that can contain a tesla yeah is a tesla in a pool like a toaster in a tub is it on just electricity everywhere yeah i think she did not drown i think that she was uh she was fried she got fried it was suicide no all right now did you hear the national story changing gears for a second it's very sad they found this kid in the river here in nashville he's from Missouri. He went to Mizzou.

But he was at, it became a national story. It's in People Magazine and everything. He went to a bar in downtown and he was in like a celebrity woman's bar. I forget Casey Musgraves. Someone has a, I don't go to those bars. Then he was in like Jason Aldean's bar. He gets kicked out. Meanwhile, he was on the phone with his parents like two hours earlier this was a mystery he was missing for a week and

um talked to his parents and seemed kind of sober so they're like how did he get so shit faced so fast and i i don't know all the details and some other people maybe Gail follows this also but he gets kicked out of like say Aldean's bar I think it was and he goes out and the cops were there and oh it's Luke Bryan's bar sorry and his name's the kid poor kid's name is Riley Strain thank you Chris it was Luke Bryan's bar and cops happen to be there because the car was broken but the cops notice he's stumbling and go, Hey, how are you doing?

And he goes, I'm doing okay. And this is on video. I'm doing okay. I'm doing okay. How are you? And then he stumbles off and that's the last he was ever seen. And the theory is like a lot of places like Vegas here in Nashville,

people are dosing drinks in bars so listen i'm probably wrong they say there's they found his wallet he still had his watch on when they found him in the river he was down river um actually near where i'm sitting um and it's either he was so shit-faced, he wandered into the river, right? And the reason I thought about it is, do you think it was suicide? Because some of these, like this story, it's hard to tell. But the darker version is, he could have been dosed. And then, you know, the huge thing in the village,

you know, it was a big story in the gay community, is people are dosing people, and then they take them out and they get them in the village you know it was a big story in the gay community is people are dosing people and then they take them out and they get them the cab and they go home with them and they steal everything yes yeah we did a story on that so they could have dosed him to do that and then they had to back off when the cops were outside and the cops talked to him and then they backed off and maybe because of their cameras they might even be on camera and they're like we can't go through with it and now this unbelievably drugged kid stumbles into the river oh got it right that's my theory and i'm i'm almost certain i'm wrong

but god if that happened that's that's the saddest goddamn thing. Yeah, yeah, that's pretty brutal, man. Dying at that age. I mean, this is a great story. Thanks for bringing it up. No, you're welcome. But it was a real national, like everyone was like his parents are in town. Everyone was like, what happened?

All right, what's going on with Neuralink, Mike? Neuralink, Mike? Neuralink, buddy. Elon Musk. Neuralink live stream shows paralyzed person playing chess on laptop. Elon Musk said in January that the company he co-founded had implanted its first device in a human with the goal of allowing people to control devices just by thinking. Neuralink released a nine-minute video in which its first human patient, who is paralyzed below his shoulders, appears to move a cursor across a laptop screen with nothing but his thoughts. The video shows him playing chess and turning off the laptop's music. Wow. Stephen Hawking. Then he typed with his mind. What? Stephen Hawking is pissed.

Why? He was getting some at Epstein's Island. Yeah, he did okay. He moved things around. Yes, he did. What's this shit? Then he shut the music off on the laptop. I'm like, what is that about? Then he typed, what kind of ghetto black music is this shit they cut that out of the video yeah yeah right right um they try he they tried to

get him to play checkers but he couldn't jump anybody so they just that's cheap that's a cheap joke can't punch the chest timer though and also it is the lamest declaration of checkmate I've ever seen. Yes. No drama. Yeah. No big finish. Yeah. I mean, that's the whole point of chess is that moment where you get to say checkmate.

And otherwise, the guy just has to stare and go, oh, okay, yeah, you won. At least panache ever. I think they better keep an eye on the screen because a Pornhub window is going to open with a MILF blowing her stepson who's in a wheelchair. He's going to find his category. Yes. That is funny.

You're playing him and all of a sudden he moves and you're trying to figure out what it looks like, checkmatemate but now you have to watch this guy spell out checkmate c two minutes later h it's like a fucking ouija board it is like a ouija board all right dna tests are uncovering the true prevalence of incest. People are discovering the truth. That's why I don't do it. People are discovering the truth about their biological parents with DNA and learning that incest is far more common than many think. In the 80s, feminist scholars argued, based on the testimonies of victims, that incest was far more common than recognized. victims that incest was far more common than recognized. And in recent years,

DNA has offered a new kind of biological proof. Widespread genetic testing is uncovering case after secret case of children born to close biological relatives, providing an unprecedented accounting of incest in modern society. More like, more like incestry DNA. accounting of incest in modern society. More like incestry DNA. That's a good one. That's a good one.

That's another reason I won't do 23andMe. I don't want to get the report that says I need to go back and go to 22andMe. My chromosomes are off, Greg. Yeah. Because of incest. Yeah yeah that's good do you yeah you know it is weird because well you're in tennessee so you're you're a little closer to the story than than i am but it is weird that like in the deep south you know you can't have an abort i think texas it says you can't have an abortion except in the case of rape or incest. And really only in the deep south do they have to make a distinction between rape and incest.

Like most places like, yeah, I guess those are kind of the same thing. Well, no, I think there's a lot of consensual incest in the south also. Yeah. In addition in the South also. Yeah. In addition to the rape kind. But I read more about this story. This is not a joke. And they said it's very hard way higher than we think because of how many shameful pregnancies and incest are aborted uh-huh so the dna test of course won't find all those

right so why is denman asking us if we skip down to Florida, man? What does that mean? Oh, because this sounds like a very Florida story, maybe. Yeah. Okay. There we go. Okay. Sick. I get him.

I get him. All right. Let's get to Uber. I patrolled killer who confessed to his role in the serial. A lot of rapes. We, we, do you know why we make so little money on our YouTube views? First of all, there's not a lot of them. And second of all, we get kicked off the algorithm with the constant reference to rapes.

Well, wait, wait. I do want to say something. You put this story, and we've already commented on your stories, and when you're left to your own devices, what winds up in here? Well, why am I left to my own devices? I put a bunch of stories here, but, but this is what's fascinating.

By the way, your next story is about sex trafficking, I think, but hold on a minute. Um, my story wasn't about rape. You just did that in your own mind. That's true.

I raped it up. In fact, when the story is not about rape, you make it about race. That's that. There's also that I have a guy playing chess. I raped it up. In fact, when the story's not about rape, you make it about rape. There's also that. I have a guy playing chess. That's the most heartwarming story in the world.

So you're saying I'm forcing myself on the story? Well, you force yourself on that story of, listen, a lot of consensual, deep, deep feelings and love and all that, and you made it rape. Yep. A paroled killer who confessed to his role in the serial rapes and murders of three young women in Kalamazoo County in the night.

Wait, where is that? What Kalamazoo County is in where? Kalamazoo is Michigan, isn't it? Michigan, yeah. In the 70s, saying he's looking for other ways to make a living after the state shut down his private transportation service. I'm trying to figure that out now. Brent Koster, now 67, said he had recently started advertising his transportation services with this motto. Cash up front or wheels don't roll. But the Michigan Department of Corrections put the brakes on his business impromptu ride.

But the Michigan Department of Corrections put the brakes on his business and prompt to ride. Costa raped and murdered Pamela Firno in 1972. He also killed two young women from Chicago, both 19, who had stopped at a gas station on their way to Ann Arbor where he worked. Yeah. This isn't the Uber driver that you want picking you. Is this is this music too loud? I'm trying to drown out the voice that you want picking you. Is this music too loud? I'm trying to drown out the voice telling me to murder you. His motto is cash up front or wheels don't roll.

That's his new motto. His old one was, I'll pick you up and take you right to a shallow grave. That didn't work out so well. Yeah. He's also signed up to do uber pools or as the authorities call it mass murder his appeals should be interesting okay hear me out hear me out it's a niche market i will only drive dudes how about that let me keep my license all right look at my history yeah totally not into dudes um a kentucky oh god a kentucky couple is in jail on promotion of human trafficking charges great story after being accused of trying to sell their

newborn twin daughters for five thousand dollars jackson county authorities charged a 22 year old woman and 23 year-year-old man after the couple attempted to sell their children to a family member. The couple's twins were less than a year old. The man's sister-in-law contacted the sheriff's office, told them the couple agreed to sell the twin girls for $5,000. Twins. A month later, the brother would offer them ten thousand dollars to take them back have you

ever fucking hung out with twin babies overwhelming i mean what was this 300 each or was it three thousand each or both for five thousand like i want to see the ad listen they've got their shots both have been neutered and you just keep them in their crate. Yeah. So easy. And they're pure bread. We're cousins. Yeah, exactly. Twin girls in Kentucky.

I mean, $5,000 is a steal. Because in 18 years, you're going to make back all your money on their OnlyFans site. Nice. All right, we're moving to entertainment entertainment i don't have i've been so busy i don't have much there is this series on apple called i think royal palms and it's about palm beach where i just was. But I think it's horrible. But it has every, you know, it's one of those shiny shows. It has Kristen Wiig, I believe, developed it.

Oh. But oddly, Ricky Martin, Carol Burnett, Laura Dern. Oh, yeah, I heard this is good. Julia Duffy, Allison Janney, who's good in everything. And she's good in this, but I don't know. No, I maybe I'm wrong.

I watched two episodes. I'm always wary of shows or movies where they put too many stars in. It rarely, it usually means they're hiding a bad script. Well, there are these shiny shows like, uh, I think the white, what lotus yeah white lotus type shows and

also big little eyes was that the name of the one that was yeah yeah things like that yeah so sometimes they do well what's her name does what's her name from tennessee here does does a lot of them uh she just got divorced oh sandra bullock no the one from the movie wild you know the white i call her the white oprah i mean you're not giving me a lot southern woman i'm very tired all right well let's get to this i did doug loves movies which is one of my favorite podcasts in the world to do it's so much fun have you ever seen it um yes i have and i love doug uh he's so great and so i come down and uh and i'm you know to my credit i'm a very good podcast guest i am if i found a niche in show business it's certainly not

as an actor it's uh it's marginal as a stand-up comic but where i really shine is being a guest on radio or podcast i've done 50 howard stern shows i've done 23 roans. I am the most frequent guest on the Adam Carolla show in history. I do well. It's what I do. But I get on Doug Loves Movies and I do great when it's just the hanging out part. Before the gaming starts, there's a lot of just hanging out, shooting the shit. And I got a lot of laughs. And then we get to the game and I flatlined. I have no memory. I have no recollection of anything that happens in any movie that I've ever seen.

And it was so fucking embarrassing. The first round of the game, they asked the audience for three actors. I think they asked for three actresses in this case. And you take turns. Each of you has to name a movie from any of the three actresses. And then you go to the next person,

you go to the next person, you keep going around. There's three panelists and Doug. And you just keep going around until you run out. And then you're out of the game and it's the last one standing. Jesus. i couldn't even remember reese witherspoon's name just now and she wants to be the white oprah i don't think she is oh i see yeah that's good so sam levine who you know from

freaks and geeks you know he's hilarious yeah and he has a photographic memory so it's just you kick back and you just um you're amazed by this guy all right so i'm gonna quiz you this was the first i'm not i'm i literally have no sleep last night i flew good good this is gonna make me feel so much better about my see only reason i'm doing it is so you could do badly you know i'm worse with names than you or you know that all right so i'm gonna give you three actresses, and you're going to name as many films from these three actresses as you can. Can I pass already? Let's start with Sandra Bullock.

How many Sandra Bullock movies can you name? Fifteen. Go. I have to name them? Yep. Yeah. No, I'm not going to do that. Come on, do it.

Oh, Jesus. The blind side. I mean, I'm probably going to get to four. You understand, I got a total of three answers among three actresses, and then I was out. And I'm not allowed to say like the one on the bus nope uh no I I I'm gonna be terrible I'm gonna be just drawing blanks how how long do you have do you have to go rapid fire they go you said they go around they give you time all right

I wonder how many I really could name like there's things like you know she was in that courtroom drama with matthew mcconaughey like it was i i won't remember the name of it but i can kill okay yeah and i wouldn't have gotten a time to kill the lake house this no time to kill the lake house the far side why am i spacing on the one on the bus it's great great title forgot what it is speed uh speed yes yeah what else um let's see what else has she done comedies she did a comedy miss congeniality yep uh miss congeniality uh if she wasn't she was the one with Hugh Grant. I'm forgetting the name of that one.

I'm not really a fan. All right, let me give you some just to show you how many you missed. Demolition Man. While You Were Sleeping. Nope, wouldn't have gotten it. The Proposal. Yeah, that's I think what I was trying to think of. The Heat with Melissa McCarthy. Okay, I would have gotten that, proposal yeah that's i think what i was trying to think of one of them with melissa mccarthy okay i would have gotten that i think oceans eight nope i forgot it the

lost city no idea crash i forgot she was in it so many fucking people were in that the unforgivable the unforgivable i don't even know what that is. I think it was a Western. No, that's Clint Eastwood. Oh, yeah. Unforgiven. Oh. Bird Box. Oh, that never was in theaters.

All right, this one's going to get you gravity. I wish I was blindfolded during that movie. You missed gravity. Oh, yes, gravity. No, there's other big ones that she's done. All right, second actress i was given was sarah silverman named some sarah silverman movies that's ridiculous aren't there four six oh there's eight yeah but that's doug's friend and that's all they're she was uh just in with bradley cooper in Maestro. Right.

So you got one more than I did for Sarah Silverman. She showed her boobs in an independent movie in New York. Yeah. That's all I got on that one. I think it was called I Smile Back. Mary. She's in Something About Mary. Oh, there you go. Come on now.

She was in School of Rock. I didn't see it. A Million Ways to Die in the West. Never saw it. I think that was a... Seth. Isn't that... Oh, yeah, I think you're right.

All right, finally. Finally, this is a tough one. And yet I consider her to be top three living actresses today Cate Blanchett yeah what do you want

names of movies let's stick with that theme Cate Blanchett was in a soccer movie that's when we first saw her. It called My Right Foot. Bend It? No, it was Bend It. Was it even Bend It Like Beckham?

I don't think she was in Bend It Like Beckham, no. That's not the kind of movie she does. Oh, I'm thinking of the wrong person. I'm thinking of the wrong British gal. No, she's Australian, Cate Blanchett. Cate Blanchett, I just saw,

she was a conductor and it was her name and it was one word. I forget what it was. Did it begin with a T? What was her name? What was she nominated for? She was in, ready for this, Elizabeth. She should have remembered Elizabeth.

No, no, I know Cate Blanchett. She had Blue Jasmine. Yes, she was in Blue Jasmine. No, she's amazing. She's one of my favorites. She's unbelievable. Carol was a really good movie. That came out a few years ago.

Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones. what curious case of benjamin but well i think it was the remake of the uh indiana jones all right uh thor oceans eight she was also in oceans eight um anyway this is probably oceans eight for whatever actress this is probably dragged on way too long i just wanted to feel better about myself. No, no, no. Come on. Keep going. What's the one where she's a conductor? I have no idea. Musical conductor. No, it just came out. She was amazing.

And she had that great line. She was teaching a class at Juilliard. Oh, right, right, right. Oh, not Tusk. It's like that. People are fucking going crazy listening to this broadcast. We like to bring you into our frustration and anyway she's called tar tar she said to the student uh the student didn't want to do

i think it might have been brahms or something because the more they've learned about the personal life of that conductor and the kid so didn't want to to like, you know, he was terrible. Brahms was terrible to women or something. And so he wouldn't do that or Mahler or something. And anyway, she lectured him on it. And then one of her lines was, don't be so eager to be offended.

And I love that. I like that. I like that. Yeah. All right, let's get to, let's make America, Florida.

Don't warn me out that was embarrassing yeah i have nothing you were i felt in front of a crowd full of people being recorded for millions to listen to and being silent and not even having a saver like i should have had jokes about how badly I was doing. That would have saved it easily. Yeah, I definitely, you know, it's kind of like how we compensate when we panic, not remembering someone's name. Right. Like we come up with jokes, right?

Like I would have done some runner like Schindler's List, like for everyone, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's what I should have done. I should have named bad guesses and gotten a laugh. I know, but they can see through that. And to top it off, everyone you were with was completely stoned. Is that true? No, he was.

And then there was a woman who was on who was not stoned. I wish I could remember her name because she was fantastic. Anyway. All right. Make America Florida. stoned i wish i could remember her name because she was fantastic um anyway all right make america florida florida man shot his roommate 10 times over argument over cats uh the victim lived by the way but according to an affidavit 59 year old glenn white shot his female roommate 10 times seven of the shots were in her lower extremities, twice in her ribs, and once in her finger. The dude went 10 for 10.

That's pretty good. He does not miss. And I'm guessing the one in her finger was, after a few shots, she kind of put up her finger like, hold up a second. Whoa. Then he took that out the victim said he moved in with three cats but it quickly doubled to six cats that'll happen court according to the office david the victim said that she would like his six cats to live outside the house instead of inside. So moments later, he began shooting at her.

I am going to kill you, bitch. White told her, I am going to kill you. Damn. Yeah. This is truly an animal activist. Wait till she gets home from the hospital and all 12 cats are inside. Right, right. Yeah, just put your cats outside.

You know, we're in Florida, just near that lake with the alligators or near the dumpsters with the stray dogs and raccoons or, you know, by the bar with the drunk hunters coming out. It's Florida. What could happen? Was it Georgia or Florida? But last week we did a story where the woman lost her cat.

Remember she lost Kevin Durant. For 12 years or something? Yeah, Kevin Durant. Her cat. Kevin Durant. Yeah. You know, you read one of these stories and you just want the end of the story to say

the final line is, he then turned the gun on himself. No, gonna take care of the cats all right that's true there's like three pregnant cats yeah um tampa we're going to do another florida story tampa sheriff marcos lopez apologized after a photo of a dead body was posted to his Instagram page over the weekend. Sorry, that's not funny. But according to the Sentinel, the photo depicted the body of someone lying under brush, wearing a green top and jeans.

It was posted alongside a collection of photos about a community event that was being promoted for seniors. Hey, old friends, come on down to the community center. Just look how fun it'll be. We party hard. Somebody wake up in the hangover. Somebody would wake up. Yeah.

They must have been terrified. In his defense, it's Tampa. It's hard to swing a dead cat without hitting a dead person. That's true. He had a green top. Another Jets fan murdered in Florida. Yeah. Probably suicide.

Undoubtedly, undoubtedly suicide. We're going to go make Texas, Florida. Undoubtedly suicides. We're going to go make Texas, Florida. Houston, Texas. Three bank robbery suspects are now in custody, according to the FBI in Houston. They confirmed that they are 16, 12 and 11 years old. The trio made headlines when authorities shared on social media that they were wanted for allegedly robbing a Wells Fargo bank. The boys passed a threatening note to a teller.

They were believed to be armed, though they did not present a weapon, and they got away with an undisclosed amount of cash. A retired judge said the age of the younger two, that's unusual for a bank robbery. Unusual? 11 and 12-year-olds robbing banks? That's a thing? What? What do you mean unusual? We're seeing a pattern of this.

You know, they get a little crazy. Puberty hasn't hit yet. They've got these bikes. They're going really't hit yet. They've got these bikes. They're going really fast on them. They're thinking, what can I do with it? And 16's not unusual? Right. He had to make that.

So the sheriff's office said authorities recovered a weapon and a distinctive item pictured in one of the photos. Was it a fidget toy? Was it a remote-controlled car or a razor scooter? What was it? A fidget toy. Was there a remote control car or razor scooter? What was it? Yeah. They knew their ages because they asked for the money in quarters for the arcade,

which for a bank. Uh, yeah. The heavy and the note they could tell because the note said, if you could low key and not cringy, just put the money in the wwe backpack because we're broke as fuck okay boomer oh all right let's hit some sports you got it here we go by the way before we get to because you have a specific story in here

i was in an airport yeah i had a connect in atlanta and i watched the end of the yale game did you see that tell me what sport we're talking about march madness the sport everyone is watching not me i i do want to check how the unders are doing. That's my favorite bet this time of year. I bet the under on every single March Madness game. But anyway, Yale, heavy underdog against Auburn. And I'm in Atlanta, and I am rooting so hard for Auburn to lose. And I was not popular in the airport bar. But Yale beat them in a, the last minute was an eternity and it was fouling and three foul shots were missed in the last 20 seconds of the game. Wow. It was amazing.

Yeah, I mean, why are you rooting against Yale? Just because it's a really good school that you couldn't get into, so you just kind of resent them? No, no, no, no. I was rooting for Yale. Oh, okay. Which, by the way, when you saw the game,

did seem incredibly racist. I wish either the Yale players were not all white or I wasn't white. It was not a good look in the Atlanta airport. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Auburn meant, oh my God, they're crying and it was crazy. No, we did that bet last year where you took the unders and I ended up owing you like $400 or something crazy.

Favorite bet ever. Favorite bet ever. Favorite bet ever. But boy, is it heartbreaking. I mean, you have an under all wrapped up. And then the fouls start in the last 10 seconds. They score 14 points. Or it goes to overtime. Yeah, yeah.

There's also that. I forgot to forward you. Greg Garcia asked us to be in a March Madness pool. And he asked me to forward it to you and I didn't. No, he then contacted me because you dropped that ball and then I forgot to enter his pool. I just had too much going on. In a startling development involving baseball's biggest global superstar, Shohei Ohtani's interpreter, training partner and constant companion was allegedly taking significant sums of money from him in an effort to settle gambling debts. Mitsuhara, who has been by the superstar's side from the beginning.

Otani has a record 10-year, $700 million contract with the Dodgers. Highest paid. So Otani's name emerged in a federal investigation of an Orange County resident allegedly tied to illegal bookmaking. The sum Mitsuhari is accused of stealing was in the millions of dollars. Right. So the interpreter, I mean, so I guess he was acting as Otani's interpreter

and they should have smelled a rat because some of the translations he was saying was like, Mr. Otani is thrilled about paying the $700 million. He can't wait to take this $695 million payday and put it to good use. Just imagine what $672 million could do to help a children's league. I mean, with $659 million, I can really do a lot to help the world. I thank the Dodgers for the $622 million and hope to help the team.

I'm wondering where in that paragraph you got canceled. When did I turn into a Thai woman is my question. Omelette and Swapafrancos. Dude, this is Otani, man. I'm calling. I have a lot of theories today. I understand. And I'm hoping they're all wrong, especially the kid in the river.

But I'm sorry. All right. First, a little perspective. If the guy was stealing, he has a $700 million contract, and apparently he's stealing like $4 or $5 million. That's like $4 out of $700. Yeah, right. That's what you're taking.

But I don't. This guy seems so loyal. Every article talks about how loyal. He's always by this guy's side. I think he is being the fall guy for Otani himself. I think Otani was betting on sports and distancing himself from it. Oh, interesting. Through this guy. Yeah, yeah.

Huh. That's what I'm thinking. Smells like a rat. Yep. What about your other little joke? Did you write this joke? I wonder if he bet on Otani or against him on the way to the game. Here, have this smoothie I made for you.

Yeah, it's a little powdery. That's the protein. I did write that. That was a good joke. Yeah, that was a good joke yeah that was a good joke i forgot to highlight it in my uh color and blue so i didn't see it well i got it now you son of a since since i wrote that joke i've thought that it's not the guy's fault so i forgot about it all right let's get to international International. Here you go.

Oh, big story. We got, I mean, this should even go under the correction section this week because Kate, the princess of Wales, which first of all, do you really, I mean, yeah, you're a princess, but you're the princess of fucking Wales. You ever been to Wales? Cold, rainy, boring. This is like being the fucking King of Staten Island, as Pete Davidson was. So she was diagnosed.

It turns out, after all the hoopla, she was diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy. Oh my God, all the horrible speculation. People must feel so bad about this. So she had major abdominal surgery. They have not disclosed the type of cancer, but, yeah, she's doing chemo. It sparked a lot of us outpouring of support and comes as her father-in-law, King Charles III, also underwent cancer treatment.

And as you can imagine, this has taken time, but it's taken me time to recover, she said, from major surgery in order to start my treatment. And look, it's tough to make cancer jokes at a time like this. But let's try. Instead of kissing a toad, I think Kate was kissing a lead pipe. Is that what it was? Yeah.

All right. I knew something was up when I saw Meghan Markle skipping down the street. I knew it was going to be bad news. I just knew it then. Yeah. King Henry VIII had eight wives. William is putting out feelers for number two right now. So, you know, that's nothing.

I'm wondering if it's like, because there was, I don't know if any of the talk before it was just totally made up or maybe it was a little related, but they said it was like a stomach surgery, right? Yes, I think so. So this isn't a joke, but I'm wondering if it's like, poor thing, by the way way ovarian cancer or something like that but that's like that's a king maker those ovaries are a king maker

you know what i mean right yeah or a queen maker yeah they better freeze those babies now uh no but listen in i think in fairness to us last week we were just saying hey something is going on just be honest about it yeah i think that was our take right that's all and you know and i feel bad about making those cheap jokes but you know chemo is rough she should get ready for princess diarrheas Jesus that's not even it's kind of word like I know it's like a syllable off from working you took her

dead mother-in-law's name I know I know alright let's get to science yep a new study published by the way i wish you had read this and written some jokes because this is like a premise from the gods okay let me say here's the problem with you with your adhd you read half the script and you never write jokes on anything in the second half of the script no but i have jokes on all this but a new study published in the journal of marine mammal science is shedding

new light on the potential sexual preferences of non-human mammals in the article a pair of citizen photographers captured a pair of male humpback whales mating off the coast of Maui. They shared the photos with me for my opinion, and when I saw them, I was just stunned, she said. According to the footage shared with Stack, the two whales were seen copulating in a pair of sessions that lasted around two minutes each. So now I know why they're called humpbacks.

Can you dry hump technically in a body of water if you're in the Pacific can you still dry hump well my first instinct but I see you wrote it down below but yeah we're talking about animals with blowholes it's right there yeah male female nobody gives a shit they're blowholes a blowhole is a blowhole.

Yeah. And did you hear about the new gay whales dating app? Blubber. What's it called? Blubber. Very good. Wait till they get footage of the gay sperm whales. That's going to be a little hotter.

I think that's going to trend a little higher on the internet. Gay whale. I should have, I mean, that's the title of the story. I should have, if I could remember names, I'd cough up some celebrity names and make a joke right there.

Well, Richard Simmons. I mean, he's not that big. There used to be bears, you know, gays love bears. Now,

now they love whales. You see a lot of scuba diving off of Key West. It is a good story. Yeah. It's a great story. I think they've found, yeah, it mentioned other mammals. Because I think dolphins they've also found, I think. Yeah.

And manatees are gay. Just in general? Just I think. Yeah. And manatees are gay. Just in general? Just in general. Yeah. They're like real queeny about everything. All right, let's skip this next one and get to this day in history. Here it is.

This day in history. Okay. We are talking about the 24th of March. On this day, the oil tanker Exxon Valdez ran aground, spilling 11 million gallons of oil into Prince William Sound in Alaska, creating the largest oil spill in U.S. history. Sadly, up till that time, it has been beaten. So I'm going to give you-

Was that Joseph Hazelwood? Was that Captain Hazelwood? That seems to ring a bell. No, I had a different guy. And I think, another theory from me today, he was the fall guy because they said he was drunk. And that's why it happened. My mind immediately went to one of the largest corporations in the world

crashes this tank, which is going to bring on all this criticism of them. which is going to bring on all this criticism of them. I think they made the guy drink alcohol and blow an illegal score. And it also helped with their insurance and all that stuff. Because I think it was taking a shortcut or something. I might be wrong. I know that oil spill happened in Australia because of that.

They try to cut corners and save a ton of fuel, and they didn't go all the way around like a reef or something like that. All I know is I used to drink and drive, and I once hit a parking meter. I never hit a continent. That's drinking and driving. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So what year was this?

I'm going to go. I'm going to give you give or take three years. You're right. Joseph Hazelwood. Look at you. Yeah. All right. So what year, what year was this? I'm going to go. I'm going to give you a give or take three years. I remember. You're right. Joseph Hazelwood. Look at you. Yeah. I remember this pretty well because I had started doing standup at this time and I had jokes about it. So it must've been around the time we graduated college. I'm going to go. Well, we graduated in 89, so I'll say 89. It's 1989. Nice!

Hey, get this, man. The charges were cleared after witnesses testified that he was sober around the time of the accident. Yeah, I remember that. I remember that. And also, it changed the way they built those oil tankers. change the way they built those oil tankers. They used to be one giant cargo tank and now they divided it into a bunch so that if it punctured, you would only lose a percentage of the oil,

not the whole tanker. Gotcha. Um, all right, let's see here. What do we want to do? We're going to do, we're going to do

film stars denzel washington and hallie berry became the second and third african-americans to win academy awards for performances in leading roles what year i'm gonna say give or take five years well i believe for hallie berry the role was monster no not monster um i think you're right was it monster i think so no monster was the one with charlie's theron it was it i think it had the word monster monster's ball monster's ball ball monsters ball yeah she did ball on that i'm good that was sexy make me feel good billy bob thornton you see we got some movies the good ones have stuck all right so i'm not gonna remember fucking sandra bullock movies i'm gonna say that came out in about 96 came out in about 96. What did I say?

Five years? Yeah. Nice. I win. 2002. That's about a year. All right. Let's do this one.

American magician Harry Houdini was born on this day, give or take 20 years okay houdini i'm thinking was performing in the late 1800s i'm gonna say 1860 shit 1874 nice you did it uh let's see there's not a lot of juicy stuff here i mean like jules verne died fatty arbuckle was born um yeah peyton Manning was born. See, these aren't fun. Want to do tomorrow? Oh, how about this? We already talked about it.

Queen Elizabeth I was born. Oh, Jesus. Nope. She died on this day. She was 69 years old, and she died on this day. She was 69 years old and she died on this day, give or take 150 years. Jesus. The first, I'm going to say 1700. I let you in there. 1603. Nice. That03. Nice. Yeah. That bitch was old.

All right, hold on. We'll get another fun one. Ready? And we're going to get it from Monday. Let's see here. Ooh, no. These royal bitches live long, man, because unless they get chased by the paparazzi,

but they're so well taken care of like watch this kate she's gonna beat this cancer and live forever they get the best doctors they have no stress in their life they get massages yep jesus these are boring goddamn days man holy shit well what side are you on britannica uh-huh they have everything all right so according to tradition tradition that's what it says here the city of venice italy was founded oh god this day give or take 600 years venice italy was founded in 1350 451 oh man i was off by a thousand years um yeah it's mostly birthdays so this wasn't that much fun this wasn't that much fun if you look

in advance next time you can search for the whole week no no no no it could be from the whole week all right here's a good one all right German composer Beethoven died of cirrhosis of the liver at the age of 56 on this day. I'm going to give you give or take 40 years. Beethoven died in 1870. Oh, no, I win. 1827. Shit. I won by three years.

That was a good one. All right. What are we doing? Let's get to speaking of people dying. it's time for the obituary and that's all folks yeah sadly oh man even though he died in vermont where he's from or went to high school and stuff uh he lived in culver city and we knew him m emmett walsh uh punchy and prolific character actor who was called the poet of sleaze by roger ebert for his naturalistic portrayals of repellent low and miscreants he died on tuesday in a small city st albansans in northern Vermont. He was 88. The most enduring praise Mr. Walsh received

also came from Roger Ebert. He coined the Stanton-Walsh rule, which asserted that, quote, no movie featuring either Harry Dean Stanton or M. Emmett Walsh in a supporting role can be altogether bad. I think that's a pretty cool insight yeah that's I like that I like so if you guys don't know who we're talking about he has this very round face he's bald uh and I mean the Coen brothers loved him But listen to these movies he was in. Midnight Cowboy, Little Big Man,

What's Up Doc, Serpico, Bound for Glory, Slapshot, The Jerk, The Gift, Ordinary People, Reds, Blade Runner, Silkwood, Blood Simple, The Pope of Greenwich Village, Fletch, Back to School, the Pope of Greenwich village, Fletch back to school, raising Arizona and about a hundred more. No, no. Like 240. He had like 240 movies on his credits.

That's, that's five movies a year for 20 years. Oh, was he in Chris's running? He was in righteous gemstones. That's right. But raising Arizona to me to me, was like, I mean, Blood Simple, he was incredible.

And that movie was filmed on a shoestring budget, like just a fucking bare-bones crew. Yeah, he was haunting. And he was incredible. But then also they put him in Raising Arizona in that great scene where he's like the machine shop guy in the in the prison telling a story. The spherical object in the road. Yeah. Yeah.

Bob Parker, not that mother scratcher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, farewell to you, Emmett Smith. He was in Culver. My brother-in-law, George would see him. So there was a park right near their house and he would walk in that park like most days,

apparently. And George said, uh, anyone, including George who had a dog, he would stop and ask if he could pet the dog. And then he would chat with people. Nice.

Yup. He was just out there for a nice little healthy walk and was so nice yeah really great kind of the fun thing about la is uh these old people that were famous just kind of want to hang out and talk like jack remember jackie mason yeah jackie mason used to hang out at the coffee bean and tea and Tea Leaf in the marina. And he'd sit at the same table outside from like 8 a.m. to 10 a.m. every day. And you could just sit at his table and he'd hold court. I did it like three times. It was unbelievable.

That's fantastic. All right, let's cheer up. Let's cheer up and get to the funnies. All righty, here we go. All right old haggar the horrible uh it's uh there's a guy who looks like a butler at a castle and he's talking to the king and he says haggar ransackled the entire castle duke or he's a duke and the Duke says, my useless guards allowed it? Bring them to me. And then the butler says, they're not here.

Hager invited them to the victory party. Where your wife is getting gang banged, by the way. I wasn't going to mention it, but they couldn't get a cake. They couldn't get a cake? They're going to gang bang a cake so they couldn't get a cake they were gonna gangbang a cake yes they put the frosting on it you do want to go to a haggard victory party i think you do dude that would be the sickest bash ever um all right let's get to the lockhorns. Bunny was on fire this week. The first one, Loretta is holding Leroy from behind. He's in his lounge chair.

Yeah, it's so warm. And she's got a smile on her face. It's very warm. And he goes, a smile is just a frown that's not paying attention. Oh, my God. That shit is dark. He always takes the wind out of her sail. She rarely has wind in her sails.

What are we talking about? Here's another one where she's happy. The two of them are walking out of the marriage counselor's office. They're arm in arm. They're looking at each other and they're smiling. And the marriage counselor goes,

I've done it. Nobel peace prize. Here I come. I'd say. Yeah. I mean, cause those two. Yeah.

Finally, she's not so happy in this last one. Leroy is sleeping on the couch and she goes, Leroy believes in expanding his unconsciousness. That's fucking good. Yeah, no, it's good. I wish I could nap like all these comic book guys. You know?

Oh, I know. They just enjoy their Saturdays. They just lay around on the couch. Can never nap. You don't do a nap? You don't do a nap? Completely unable to nap. What if after this podcast, you try to meditate,

you don't fall asleep trying to meditate? Nope. It energizes me. I mean, when I do nap, the only time I nap is like I have a late show and then I got to get up the next morning and do morning radio when I only get like four or five hours of sleep. Then I go down. But then when I wake up, I'm so out of it for the rest of the day. It's almost worse than just like pushing through it. I would say like when I wake up from a nap, I feel like I should be looking up at Bill Cosby pulling up his fly. Oh, boy. Yeah. They say, yeah, right.

Isn't like 25 minutes the ideal time or something like that? Yeah, more than 25, they say Bill Cosby comes in. Oh. Yeah. So I quickly grabbed a family circus i gotta find a new one kathy didn't work out uh non sequitur was okay at dunfarside so i gotta i gotta find suggestions from the listeners if any of you guys think we have a cartoon that's so bad that we can critique it or so good that we can enjoy it send it in fitz dog radio at gmail.com it's a good way of putting it okay so here's family by the way before you get into it we've been getting tons of comments on the um youtube channel which is very nice don't forget the show is available on youtube and And if you want to say nice things, we love it.

And Mike replies to all of them. Yeah, look at that. I engage. I'm a man of the people as we've established. You're very socially media savvy. Yeah. So here's Family Circus. And it looks like they're getting ready to throw a party.

They have all the glasses out and there's a big table with a lot of hors d'oeuvres and like crackers with cheese and spreads on them. And the kids, the little redheaded kid and the fucking blonde guy are up standing on chairs and they're on the table pointing to these trays of cheese and crackers. Parents are in the background. And then you hear what's being said, which is, are there any crackers with nothing on them? So that's a statement. So the child is making a statement. And it seems to me to be an honest question with zero humor in it yeah and it doesn't seem clever and it doesn't seem unusual

and he also doesn't know he could just fucking dump shit off the cracker i remember my sister when we were little kids, my parents used to have dinner parties and my mom would put out crackers with spreads on them. And at one point, our friend Pat McCauley picked up a cracker and took a bite out of it. And she goes, why is this cracker soggy? Cut to my sister on the other side of the table with a cracker and licking the spread off of it and putting it back on the tray that's perfect she didn't have to ask her parents a stupid question hey just fucking go to work just do it be a doer that's fantastic i know i no offense i can't imagine how bad the food was at your parents cocktail party like. Like, I think it

was like so far down the list of priorities. Oh my God. No, it was all about the booze. My mother used to get, she used to get shrimp from the grocery store and then she would make me cut out the veins in the belly. I'd have to peel it and then cut the veins in the belly and then she would put ketchup in a dish to go with it and then she would put out cream cheese and jelly on pieces of uh cracker as well yeah um as long as there was johnny walker everything was fine that That was their drink, Johnny Walker Red. Was it really? Yeah, they love Johnny Walker Red. Ah. So now here's fucking Dagwood missing another golden opportunity.

I wish just for one week, put me in his body, animate me, and let me take the opportunities that are presented to me by my gorgeous wife, Blondie. All right, so she's wearing a pink top, a black velvet skirt above the knee.

The calves look like little bowling pins. The hair is done up. It's yellow. And he's standing behind her. She's looking in the closet and he goes, I don't know what to wear to the party tonight. And she goes, consider yourself lucky. You've got me to help you. And she picks out some clothing And she goes, consider yourself lucky. You've got me to help you.

And she picks out some clothing. And she goes, I only have myself to rely on. Okay, now I'm there. Pull up a fucking armchair, kick my pants off, and go, all right, sweetie, why don't you dress and undress for about 20 minutes? I'll give you some comments. I'll give you some comments. I'll give you some feedback on that thong that you're probably wearing, on that lacy brassiere that you're pushing your tits out of.

Yeah, I'll give you a little help. How long ago do you think the thong was a form of underwear? Not lingerie, but underwear underwear i don't know 80s oh you don't think in the 1970s they sold thongs probably generally is yeah probably to deal with the panty lines right anyway back to this i think it's a sexual. There's there's you got to read between the lines here. I think there's a double meaning. She really does only have herself to rely on to be sexually satisfied, even satisfied in any way in this marriage. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, here we go. Denman's got some research. Thong was incorporated into the vocabulary of women's underwear in the 1980s in response to tighter trousers,

especially jeans worn by women to display more of their Jim Hohn bodies in that era of emphasized muscled body shape. Now, when do you remember thongs on the beach? Not in Europe, but here in America? Europe, but here in America. On me? I don't know. I mean, was it like the swimsuit issues where we would see the fur? You're like, well, Brazilian, right? Foreign. No, I'm saying in America, Venice Beach. When's the first time you started seeing thongs? Oh, I don't know. They must have been here. I mean, they must have been here when we moved here i feel like i only really started seeing them about six seven eight years ago and i remember the first time i saw a woman in a thong on the beach it was like we're a group of people and everybody stopped like what the fuck you never saw that shit and now it's, I would say a majority of women on the beach are wearing thongs. Yeah. And it's also, you know, which is which is great.

I think women are less self-conscious about having to have the craziest body ever. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so I think more people or more women are wearing thongs who maybe wouldn't 10 years ago so there's tons of them now denman's got this little clip in night in 1970 fashion designer rudy gurnish created the thong bikini it became popular quickly because in this decade, people wanted to look sexier. And then in 1939, songs appeared in America. New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia ordered that all dancers at the 1939 World's Fair must cover up their bodies. The problem was that these women were professional burlesque dancers and taking off their clothes was part of their job.

Oh, Fiorello. Rain on their parade. All right, so listen. Okay. You guys, we appreciate you listening. Thank you. Sunday Papers is a joy and we're glad that

you keep showing up every week. We'd like to remind you to support our sponsor, GameTime. Go to GameTime app, download it, and then use code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase. Also, we want to thank Midcoast Media and Chris Denman for helping put the show together. Mike, anything you want to promote? Well, you know, I forgot to mention up top,

I forgot my microphone. Oh, right. people don't see it though but i've been talking into my iphone so hopefully it sounded okay but i apologize that's all on me i left it in florida okay it's recording crimes down there right now also we got a few koozies how many koozies we got left? Oh, well, we could always order more. All right. Well, if you want to get the ones we have. A new order just came in.

But the beauty is they'll go out right away. We are now on top of it. If you want a koozie, it's $10, including shipping. Go to FitzDawg.com. Look for the link. It will instruct you how you can Venmo Mike and get that koozie within a week. It's just in time for the spring. I'm wondering if Justin in Portland and Patrick in Lebanon and John in Tucson and Jeff in where the hell is Jeff?

I wonder if they got him in Kenmore. And, of course, Carrie in Litchfield Park, Arizona. Two of them went out. Poor Carrie. It's been nothing but debacles getting the koozies to her. You're such a great salesman. You really instill belief in people

to send their money over to you to get a koozie. Yes, look at this attention. Look at this. We're not going to let, we're leaving no man or woman behind we get to everybody eventually all right yes thanks for listening we'll catch you guys next time take it each take it each where it's at two turntables and a microphone Where it's at Two tur-tur-two turntables and a microphone

Koozies, koozies, koozies, koozies, koozies, koozies, koozies, koozies, koozies, koozies, koozies, koozies, koozies, koozies Hey now. Hey now. That's crazy. What just happened? That was weird. I don't want that on our professional podcast.