Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 212 4/14/24

Episode Date: April 14, 2024

We look back (but not directly at) the solar eclipse and fantasize about beating a man up at Disney world. Also Korea may steal all of Bitcoin.

If you don't have time to keep up with the news, these are your dues. The Sunday Paper Podcast with Greg and Mike. Unfortunately, they don't get anything right. Three, two, one. Read all about it. Read. Here we go. Read all about it.

Is that Spanish? Hola from Mexico. Read all about it. Is that Spanish? Hola from Mexico. Read all about it. Read all about it. Well, that just got racist. It sounded a little more Cuban than Mexican. I'll give you that.

I am currently in Mazatlan, or as they say down here, Mazatlan in Mexico. You're in Florida. I'm in Florida florida okay let's not kid ourselves we are pre-taping this by a week because that's commitment i mean look it's just once in a while you gotta take a fucking vacation for 14 years i have done a podcast every single week except for maybe two. Well, we've taken a week or two off. What show is this? I think in Ireland last summer we took a week off. Yeah, we've probably taken two weeks off in four years. Three years or four years?

I don't know. We started in 2019. So it's been five years, four and a half years. Yep. Four and a half years. We started right before the pandemic. And not one of these items in the closet has changed. That's the crazy part. Or your hair. You've lost no hair, Mike. How do you do it? Drugs. I take a drug. Does it affect your sperm count count have you counted lately no but i told you that story no i have not no i what do you mean i have none what do you mean i i bob barker spayed and neutered me oh that's right um i so there's no count zero zero count i uh but no i told you so this guy goes um

uh when i'm trying to think where it was oh i go in and i i meet this urologist and uh i was sending a urologist just to keep an eye on something everything's fine and uh this is years ago and i he goes all right so what drugs you, and I had to tell him I take one milligram of Propecia because it is a prostate drug first and foremost. And so I'm talking to him in my usual way and he goes like this at the, at the, at his desk. So for those who just listening, he puts his hand up in front of me, like to tell me like kind of to stop, but then he puts his hand down kind of like the stereotypical gay motion with your limp wrist. But he does that like down. And I'm like, Oh, and I realized, Oh, I'm a yeller. Here I am alone in this office with this guy. And I'm clearly yelling. So I go,

and he goes, he goes, uh, he goes, so how's it going? And I go, oh, it's going well, but does the gesture. I would go, oh, it's, it's going well, you know? And then he does it again. And I'm like, and I get even lower. I'm like, oh yeah. I go, no, it's going well. He's like, no, I'm talking about your penis. He literally goes, no, I'm talking about your penis. Is it, is it, do you have trouble getting hard or whatever? I'm like, what? I go, what? And I go, no, no.

I thought you were telling me to be quiet. We don't talk about erections in my, he's a Catholic doctor. He has shame issues around talking about the penis. And, uh, and so, yeah, I don't know. I mean, one milligram. So, uh, I don't know if it mean, one milligram. So I don't know if it works. I did it premeditatively. Like, you know, I kind of was like, hey, if I could keep what I have here till, you know, I'm not being unreasonable, but, you know, 20 more years or something or whatever it was back then.

I'm like, that's all that's all I need. And so that would have taken me into my 60s, you know, so that that's what I was thinking. Do you use Propecia and Rogaine or just Propecia? Cause a lot of people use the cocktail now. Right. I have a Rogaine, but I always forget to put it on. I forget to travel with it. So when you do use it though, regularly, it's a scary little entry because you shed. Do you remember that? Yes. And you shed, you're like, what?

So all of a sudden for the first time, you're seeing like hairs on your fingers when you run it through your hair and it's very scary, but that means it's working. Yeah. And they're little baby hairs. I did. I, well, as, as people know, I would imagine that I did. I was a spokesman for Rogaine. And they gave me a lifetime supply, which turned into three years. And they stopped sending it to me.

And I think it's a lifetime of the guy whose job it is to give you the lifetime supply. As long as he's at the company, that's how long it's supply is. They also maybe didn't want you to be the face of Rogaine anymore. Maybe he didn't want you to be the face of Rogaine anymore. Yeah. Let's just say the product did not live up to its name. So I would put it in every night and every morning and my pillowcases would get stained. My wife didn't want to touch me because it was like a big, it was like all oily on top of your head.

Yeah. Has it gotten any better? Is it still like that? It's not supposed to work on the front. It's really just the crown, that bald spot in the back, I guess. Oh, I didn't know that. So, no, I don't use that that much. Is it a spray or a dropper? I get the Costco foam that comes out of a spray.

It's like mousse. Oh, okay. That's what I do. And I have no idea. I was, when I went about here and got on Propecia, I can't remember, it's a long time ago, they gave me initially Rogaine pills. I forget what Rogaine's... Minoxidil. Minoxidil pills. And then at a general, and you know my general doctor, at one of the things, he's like, all right, let's update your meds.

What are you on? And I told him that. He's like, so you take it by pill? And I'm like, yeah. He's like, how's that working? I'm like, good. I mean, I think. I don't know.

There's no more shedding or whatever. And he goes, okay, good, because we found some weird things with that. I'm like, wait, what? okay, good. Cause we found some weird things with that. I'm like, wait, what? And he goes, no, just like a hair starts growing. Like on, uh, I forget where he said, but it would be like, maybe like on the, I don't know, on your ears, but you get like a lot of growth. And also some people have complained about like, I don't know if it was that their ears were growing. He mentioned side effects that I did not want. And I go, and that's different if you use like the cream. And he's like, yeah. And I go, done. I'm not taking these pills anymore. yes I say Propecia how selfish do you have to be to take a pill that they literally tell you if your pregnant wife even touches the pill your child could be born deformed like one day your kids walking up to you like daddy you have nice hair well thank you son now get back in the fish

tank before your gills dry out daddy has an audition in an hour but daddy look at you didn't even work how selfish give up i mean it it was hair pieces like as as a somebody who grew up going to the friars club in new york those guys own hairpiece. They would glue that shit on and they would show up as if nobody was pointing behind their backs. They just had these big floppy carpets on their foreheads. Well, everyone's doing transplants preventatively. I saw some guy review like the Oscars. And he's like, well, I know I saw a lot of wigs, wig, wig, wig. And he pointed like Brad

Pitt, Bradley Cooper and all this stuff like because he had evidence. He had pictures earlier where their hair was thinner. And then like I I don't think I'm talking out of school. Theo Vaughn, I think, has had hair transplant. Totally. So when this guy's saying wigs, he

doesn't mean it's really a wig. No, no. He means, yeah, there's. Well, Rogan famously had hair transplants and he'll show you the scar in the back of his neck where they took the follicles out of.

It's a scar that you have to live with. Yeah. And Theo Vaughn, I think did it. And I mean, that guy's hair is thick as hell. Like he's beautiful. He's really thinking ahead, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Right. I believe unless he lied, I don't know,

but I think he was on a podcast saying that. Yeah. I mean, we could sit here and name names all day, but so let's start. Do you think Spade has them? I think that's public knowledge. Okay. Oh, a big one is, and he's public about it, Joel McHale. I think they all are. At this point, to be in the business means you're dealing with plastic surgery, whether it's hair, wrinkles, Botox, stomach sucks, ass sucks. And Brad Pitt did an interesting thing. There's a lot of, you know, people who comment on this stuff showing you evidence that likes that little scar by his ear that he got a facelift. But what's interesting is he kind of quit alcohol a few years ago. And an argument could be made that, you know, his face, of course, your face gets better when you're not a drunk. You know what I mean? Right. So, uh, so it's kind of like, Oh, maybe it's a toss up, but, uh, he does look, but where they showed a lot of pictures, he does look a lot better. When I flew out to Miami from Los Angeles, which I think you can call the plastic surgery express,

other than Sao Paulo, Brazil. And so this woman's sitting next to me, and she's hilarious. She gets on, and she's got like four overstuffed bags. And so she sneaks two into the overhead. She's got one under the seat in front of her. She's got another one in her lap. And the flight attendant tells her she's going to have to check it. Then the then the flight attendant walks away she jumps up she sticks it in another part of the overhead and and she's just a character she's got tattoos and she's she tells me she's my age she's

57 which i'm shocked because she looks 20 years younger and so she's talking about how she's from brazil and then was very forthcoming about the plastic surgery that she's gotten done, and she's pointing to parts of her face where she got the Botox and how she got the neck pulled back, and she got fat sucked from her ass and put into her tits, and so she goes, you want to see this? And I said, what's that? She goes, you want to see a picture of me three years ago before the plastic surgery? So she pulls out her phone

and she shows me the picture of somebody who looked like her grandmother. She had bags under her eyes, skin falling off her neck. She had dark circles in her eyes everything was sagging and i could not believe it she looked like she was you know 37 years old and she had it all done here no she won't get it done here only in brazil oh and uh it's amazing this city how many hotels even as we sit here speaking are are filled with women and men, but mostly women who have bandages all over them, tending to their bleeding and all that stuff. Like all these plastic surgery offices and the high-end dermatologists, they even tell you like, and you can stay in this hotel.

It's right down the street. You know, that's where you would go. It's a, yeah, it's a whole industry. If you had unlimited money, would you get any plastic surgery? Um, I don't know. Uh, I mean, you do your hair. Don't act like you're above it. Do my hair. What? With a little color? No. Well that you do, you do that. I assume.

Right. Yeah. Sometimes I used to do that when I had hair. I also look fucking terrible with gray hair, but I don't do it. I mean, there's still a lot of gray. I'm not trying to pretend I'm not graying.

Everyone knows that. And I'm fine with that. Um, and I don't do it again. I'm not great at upkeep. I'll put it that way. I'm not great at upkeep. I'll put it that way. I'm not great at upkeep, but I don't know. I've been blessed where, uh, as old as I look and I've always looked old for my age. Um, I, I don't have like a bad bag situation, but you know, we have friends.

I'm not, I'm literally not thinking of anyone, but we all know, like we have friends and it started in our forties.s they it's just i don't know if it's bad luck but like bags can be a real you know drag yeah bags are drags for sure if that happened to me which i guess it could i would think about doing something about them hey mike happy birthday speaking of. We are a week apart. My birthday was last week. Talk about cosmetic surgery. Talk about surgery to be younger.

I got two hips, my man. I know. Two hips. Best money I ever spent. How do they feel? Dude, are you kidding me? I'm like that fucking sprinter. What's his name who killed his girlfriend?

Oh, yeah. The South African? Yeah. Ting Ting? That's what Cat Williams called him. Ting Ting? fucking uh sprinter uh what's his name who killed his girlfriend oh yeah the south african yeah ting ting that's what cat williams called him ting ting dude cat williams bit on ting ting look it up cat williams man is you know i used to say my guilty pleasure that guy is just legend. He's legend. He's amazing. And I can remember when he was coming up, like he, the way he got on the map was he, oh, he had so many celebrities that loved him. They'd come to his show and they'd be in the green room and he would, he would fuck around

with them in the green room and he put those out and that kind of blew him up. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah. And that kind of blew him up. Oh, wow. Really? Yeah.

So what are your birthday plans? Because this show is airing on April 14th. Your birthday is April 11th. What are the plans? This is weird. All right. This is weird. Wait, hold on. Before we move on.

I just Googled, because I'm a moron. I Googled Ting Ting Sprinter, thinking probably Cat Williams' bit will come up, right? Yeah. Google then goes, there is a clip, one of the results is a YouTube clip, and it's called The Rise of Asian Sprinters. No kidding.

Really? Because I put Ting Ting, yeah. I looked at my phone, and Danny McCarthy just birdied another hole. Three out of the last four holes. So he's now five under for the day. And he is in second place. Dude, I will watch this hole. I've never watched a whole day of golf.

I'm not into it. I will watch tomorrow, it sounds like. By the time you guys hear this uh my cousin denny will have won or lost the texas open he's in second place right now third oh right it's a week ago third place is a solid three shots no four shots behind him so he's he's looking very good for being top two oscar pastoreus was who we were i was trying to think of all right yes so we have a birthday that is what seven six days apart both aries i love this six day sweet spot where you're two years older than i one oh yeah yeah okay yeah you know by the way i'm going i'm going over i

might even do it after this podcast, going over to Penmar with my fake ID and getting a senior card. You got the fake ID from China? Got the fake ID. Yep. With my sister and her high school friends who sent away for IDs, one of them was to get a guy to be 62 years old. And now you're going to go to penmar and show them

fake id and they're going to give you some kind of a golf card they you get a senior card and it's like a discount every time we play golf right okay well so the first five bets every time i play first six bets free maybe even more really really should be proud of yourself yeah that's how i'm doing it that's how i'm cruising into my grave all right so aries horoscopes you're ready yep so here's our horoscope fellow aries for uh april of 2024 uh it's birthday time for you and I'm here. I have not read this. And I'm here to convince you that although Mercury will be in retrograde. Is Mercury ever not in retrograde?

It's always in retrograde. It's retro. From April 1 to April 25, there is room for this to be a glorious month. I guess it's not normally with goddamn Mercury. I love some of the aspects coming your way in April, and I will show you them in my report. Sometimes, oh, do I have to pay for this fucking report? Hold on. Can I ask you something?

Is Mercury the element related in any way to Mercury, the planet? No, it's all named after the god, right? Or is it also related to Mercurial, the mood swing of a bipolar person? That's what they used to call you back in the 1950s. He's Mercurial. And then in the 70s, they called you hyperactive. And then they called you bipolar. We have a story coming up about what police call people who rudely expire when they're being arrested.

Right. All right. So the clips is, you know, this is this is an exhausting. I'm going to another one. I have other ones. Here we go. Aries season. Aries, April 24 horoscope.

Here we go. Is this what this podcast has come down to reading horoscopes wake up welcome to april aries last mark month mark the beginning of your season an invigorating time greg that reminded you how much you love being the first child of the zodiac did you know that did not know that that's is's exciting. Is it alphabetical? However, as we segue into Taurus's earthy domain this month, F-Tauruses, the tranquil vibes risk disruption thanks to a solar eclipse in your sign. Do you realize how lucky we are? This celestial phenomenon signals a period of profound personal transformation.

It also occurs during Mercury retrograde. But if you follow our star-approved advice, are they talking about celebrities or the celestial things? April brings plenty of opportunities to get ahead with love and even potentially make some cash. By the way, did you hear that with this eclipse

that any women within 10 days of ovulating during the eclipse will actually ovulate on the day of the eclipse? I'm finding that hard to believe. Yeah, I just made it up. But that would be pretty fucking sweet. Oh, and we're coming up in a minute. I go over three popular myths with the eclipse. Oh, right. And we're going to pretend we've already seen the eclipse and we're coming up in a minute. I go over three popular myths with the eclipse. Oh, right.

And we're going to pretend we've already seen the eclipse, and we're going to ask each other our experiences. Yep, it's a great time to treat yourself to a social media break as Mercury's retrograde journey starts on Monday, April 1st. With Mercury retreating in your sign, Aries, your communication requires extra caution. Your words may inadvertently sharpen. Your friends love that you're not a sycophant and will always tell them the truth.

But when Mercury is retrograde, it's harder to discern when to bite your tongue and show some diplomacy, Greg. You'll also want to prepare for the typical retrograde chaos. You know how it is. Such as travel hiccups. Uh-oh. Oh, shit. Digital snafus. It sounds like your vacation.

And then accident. Hold on. AKA accidentally liking your partner's ex's IG post from five years ago. Huh? Huh. Stay ahead of the drama by simply logging off. That seems like a very calculated move if it's five years ago. By Thursday, April 4th, pretty Venus stations in your sign.

Aries offering an extra dose of confidence. Okay, whatever. The new moon and solar eclipse on April 8th may indeed leave you feeling on edge. Eclipses are powerful, anxious things. This sounds like a shitty vacation. The flight's going to be delayed. My phone's not going to work and I'm going to be stressed out. And you're going to like one of your wife's exes.

Huh. Yeah. One's dead and the other one is a famous movie star. I'm not checking his Instagram feed. You could like either one, actually. Eclipses are powerful, anxious things. Now, I think it means we get anxious. I don't think the eclipse is anxious.

But you can use this energy to your advantage. Here you go, Greg Advice. Solar eclipses often herald a realization of our deeper desires, urging us to invite the universe to fulfill them. Set intentions to channel this potent energy, even if it's in a journal.

Are you reading the whole fucking Zodiac journal? when the eclipse energy clears what is the only part that's advice and the sun moves into taurus you can begin your plot to manifest them so wait till april 19th to do anything i don't think you're gonna have a problem with that well this really is not good and i've gone into this knowing when i go to mexico that things are going to go wrong because Because first of all, I don't speak Spanish. So I'm going to get into the airport where you can't use Uber.

There's no ride share from the airport. So you have to take a taxi. And the taxis are known to kind of rip you off. So right off the bat, we got that. I already see your anger. I already see your anger, even right now. So never mind in two days. And plus, I'm going to be working on three hours of sleep because my show tonight, my late show, I won't get home till one in the morning.

And then I got to be in a cab to the airport by 530 a.m. So I'm going to sleep for three and a half hours and show up to Mexico discombobulated. Why are you doing all this when Mercury's in retrograde? I know. Why do I have a problem saying retrograde? I had a Mercury when I was in high school. I had a Mercury Bobcat. It was the worst car I've ever owned.

Hey, I have advice for you. It was mercurial. Sometimes it would go, sometimes it wouldn't. Why don't you, you're thinking of buying a Mustang? Yes. Why don't you buy one like you don't care about one for that's like eight years old and has been kept well and all that but you know what i i long for a car i don't give a shit about well it has to be reliable i've never cared about my car i've i've got an old prius right now i don't care so I want one I can actually care about

I've got a little space behind my house I can park it but it's outdoors in Venice I know hey did I tell you someone tried to take my scooter when I parked it out in front of your house the other night no what happened I came back and my key wouldn't go in the keyhole

in the ignition and I realized it was twisted like upside down and i i think something was in it and it took a while o'neill was there and i like looked with a flashlight yeah i think someone tried to start it which is by the way i told you that's my plan the next time which is very close it started leaking gas again it's it's like 20 year old scooter uh you want to say this next thing over the air where it can be shown in court well i wonder yeah i'm gonna say it you ready i wonder if this is illegal i next time they're like uh yeah it's 500 bucks to get this thing running again right and i think the thing is worth according to insurance 1500 what if i park it on the street with no intention of it getting stolen but it gets stolen

i don't i don't think saying that out loud what i've done nothing wrong you left the key in the ignition no no no no i'm not going to do that. Oh, okay. No, I'm going to leave it. Because you normally have it in your underground garage is what you're saying. Yes. Yes. Oh, sorry. Yes. And oh, I should set the table. Malloy can't prevent his from getting stolen no matter what he does. He has chains on it. They come, they put it on a truck and he lives, you know, less than a mile. He lives right next door to you. So when you leave a scooter out, they are taken. Interesting.

So I was thinking about, I could get one of those covers and put it over the car. Or does that make it even more of a target? I don't know. Pete Scott's brother used to put a cover over his motorcycle. You know, he would, he was a pilot. He'd leave it at LAX because you could park forever for free, short-term parking. And he thought, but there's a code, man.

No one touches any bikes, you know, and those are pretty secure parking lots. Speaking of codes, it's tax day in one day when you listen to this. So I know a lot of people are sweating out the taxes. Here's the one piece of advice I will give you. Hire a good tax accountant, do it right, and pay the money. Because if you get in arrears, it will haunt you for a decade and will cost you so much more money. Take your write-offs, but don't take shortcuts. That's my advice.

I literally am scanning down. Is this an ad? I know. It did sound like an ad. What the hell just happened? I just know a lot of people that have gotten into trouble with... I'm in an audit right now. Are you really?

I didn't know that. A totally illegitimate audit. Why is it illegitimate? And I already have a fan. This is after you tell me that I should go with your accountant. No, accountant has nothing to do with it. So by the way, one of the stories I was going to put in here is they just put like 80 million or whatever in the IRS and the IRS is going after a big chunk of what they're going after is middle class. God damn it.

And anyway, no, something triggered the computer, the algorithm in the IRS. What happened was, uh, my ex and I amended our divorce judgment. Trump took away the benefit of writing off spousal support, which is a big benefit to

whoever's all people he would want to be able to write that off. I know. And yes. And so all these breadwinners, I guess maybe rich people settle and they have less of an issue with that. You know, they they come up with a fat number anyway. It's a big benefit that you get where if you pay your ex, you know, a thousand bucks a month or whatever it is, it's probably a lot more. Uh, you get to, you know, since you're not injured, you get to deduct that they have to pay taxes on it. Fine. They did away with that long, boring story short, because I amended it. They're like, hey, we caught, you wrote off your spousal support. I'm like, yeah, because we're grandfathered in. And the rule specifically says that you would have to say in the new amendment that you're going to abide by the

new rule. Otherwise, the old one just applies. And I go, here are the copies. You know, they, they ordered me. So I go, here are the copies. I go, we did not, you know, it's the same. Doesn't apply to me. And they're like, yeah, we still failed you. So you can appeal it if you want. So now I have to fucking appeal it. And does that cost you extra money with your accountant? Probably.

Right. Well, I think I'm doing it, but it's be time. But I did have a fantasy. It's like such a, like like and I've written to them. I go, please. This is so simple. Here's the law. Here's my documents. It's there's been, you know, this is an incorrect accusation, whatever it is. And so I'm angry that I've appealed it in this process, but now I have to do the formal appeal. All right, just to pull us out of this snore fest,

will you tell people your agreement with your wife when you guys got divorced? This is my favorite story. You sold a TV show based on this story. What do you mean my agreement? You mean my realization? Yes. What do you mean my agreement? You mean my realization? Yes.

Well, it kind of almost happened literally like this. I went to a lawyer's office and lawyers like, and you know, I'm dizzy. It wasn't my idea, but as I say, it was a pretty great one, the divorce. So I'm just dizzy with, you know, I've never experienced this. I actually had no friends really who have gone through it. And so anyway, you've had the first meeting with the lawyer and she goes like, hey, just so you know, like half of everything, you know, like if you have two cars, she gets one, you know, and the 401k and your pension and your bank accounts, you know, half, you know, goes to her. And I'm like, and then she's like in half, you know, kind of in the foreseeable

future, kind of half of your earnings. I'm like half. And it dawned on me then she's like, yeah. And I'm like, she gets half. And he's like, yeah. I'm like, and I get half. And she's like, yeah, that's, it's, it's unavoidable. I'm sorry. It's a law. I'm like, no, no, no. That that's amazing. I've never gotten half my money. I'm like, wait a minute. Does she know this? She can't live on half. I go, there's no way she can. I go, in other words, if she spends more than half, I can call in someone. They say, give it back. I'm like, lock in that rate. 50% on the dollar. Can I get that in writing? And the lawyer's looking at me like, are you a lunatic? and the lawyer's looking at me like, are you a lunatic? And it recalls the Eddie Murphy where he was outraged at half. They get half. But super rich bread earners, I'll stop saying guys,

super rich bread earners should be outraged like at half, and I get that. But when you're more normal folk, the breadwinner usually is in spending the money. You know what I mean? They don't see the half. I mean, my wife is really good about spending, but I would say that in terms of massages and eating out and doctor's appointments, that when I go to the doctor, I research it. I find out what, like I was going to get a mouth guard from the dentist. I called three different dentists. She never thinks about any of that.

Marches right into the first doctor and just, you know, just fucking pays whatever. So, no, I think I probably spent less than her. One of my favorite stories was you having a conversation with Aaron about Starbucks. What was it? You're like, you come to me first and you're like, holy fucking shit, man. I don't look at my credit card bill often, but she routinely, I think with other moms,

is getting Starbucks every day. She goes in there and it was something like a $6 drink or $5. And then you had done the math per week per month per year and the year thing was so upsetting to you it was like a vacation yeah it was like two thousand dollars a year and you told her she had to knock that shit off you'll buy her the best coffee maker in the world so that she could do at home Yep. And here's a thermos. Here's a little sock you can put over the thermos. Here's a bunch of packets of sugar. No, there's a book. There's a famous book called The Latte Effect, and it's by an economist. And he talks about it's those

little things every day that if you don't spend them and you put them into an interest-bearing account that compounds, that's where you become wealthy. And that's where you become poor, depending on those, those little things you buy, the people that you see buying fucking smoothies, smoothies will ruin you. If you do that, if you do it every day. Oh, please. It's the day in day out shit. Of course. I'm going to talk about these three stocks quickly because it's in self-interest. wish i was like get through it fast because we're almost out of time and we're filling man we're filling we can't predict the news so i bought someone recommended these energy funds i think two of them might be stocks that's how little i know about it but here's why i'm doing it

everyone knows i have the opposite of a Midas touch. Whatever I touch becomes a downward trend automatically. Here are three I bought a little over a month ago and they've been great so far. XLE, which is an energy fund, I think. ET, like the alien. And PAA, like papa ass ass. I don't know how to do those military abbreviations. Anyway, three energy things. Buy them, man. Pile on. It's like the unders are winning this year. Maybe this is my year.

Keep in mind, Mike has bet short of the market every year for 10 years. He has not bought real estate in the last 10 years because he keeps waiting for it to dip as it has doubled or tripled since he didn't buy. I'm the only one who's like, there might be a problem here. Yeah, I'm crazy. Yeah. Mike's a guy that won't fill up his tank with gas

because he just gets a quarter of a tank because he keeps thinking that the price of gas is going to go down next week. I'm almost at that level. But by the way, earthquake in New York called it. Logo this week comes from Kurt Glebe. Love it. It is us riding a double bike with what looks like wicker baskets all around it. Is that a reference to something?

No, that has to be a thing. That has to be, I think that, is it an image? Is it an album cover? Free koozie to the first person that writes in at fitzdogradio at gmail.com and tells us what, besides Kurt Glebe, what this cover refers to. I'm going to do it right now. Go ahead. Song is from Emmett Hall.

I love it. It's short. It's simple. It's great production value. It is all we ask in a song. It's such good quality. Love it. Thank you, Emmett Hall, who's a regular.

Hold on. My clock's ringing. Oh, that means I'm supposed to call my brother. That means you're supposed to take a nap. Tell me about it. I should take a nap. Tell you about it. Tour dates coming up.

Irvine Improv, April 18th through the 20th. Mimarinik, the Emmeline Theater, May 31st. Austin, The Mothership, June 7th through the 9th. And then Pittsburgh on June 21st. Tickets at fitsdog.com. Also, support for Sunday Papers comes from Factor. Eat stress-free this spring with Factor's delicious ready-to-eat meals. Never frozen, baby.

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And it's my dad's fridge is packed with it right now. My sister and I are trying to get him to eat better. He needs to actually to put on some weight and he's going to start working out as well. So Factor is awesome for that. And then we're over to game time, which I love. I'm looking at the app right now and we are pre-taping this. But as I sit here, just full disclosure, I am watching Tyler Childers, who I love. He's at the forum tonight and the prices are going down and I'm watching

Springsteen's prices go down. If you weren't in town, I think you and I would be watching that. And that's a perfect use of game time because you can get it in the parking lot as you go over there. You watch the prices drop and it's the lowest price guarantee. And it takes the guesswork out of buying tickets. They have these deals all the time, which pop up and last minute deals. And you watch them go down. You see the full price. It's one of my favorite things about them because other, other ones you're like guessing like, Oh, is it going to be double after all the fees and taxes and that stuff? You get to see your view from the seat.

It's everything you want in this thing. Last minute deals. You save 60% off buying last minute for sports up to 60%. And I love the Discover button. It's not just music or sports. And you see, I know it's a weird thing. They don't tell me to promote this part, but I love the Discover button just to see what's going on in town. I'm looking at the Galaxy. Natasha Leggero, our friend.

Hey, now. How much are those tickets? $115. Get out of here. Tonight at the Brea Improv, but that will go down. But you know what? She deserves it. She's very funny, and she took her shirt off on stage.

And that's a great example. There's the Galaxy, Natasha Leggero, and Springsteen, and the Timberwolves. So, I mean, it's all right there. So take the guesswork out of buying tickets with game time download the game time app create an account and use code papers for 20 off your first purchase terms apply again create an account and redeem code p a p ers for 20 off download the game time app today. Last minute deals. Lowest price guaranteed. Let's get to the front page at 39 minutes into the podcast.

I love it, man. We're filling. We're filling over here. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! It's our birthday fill.

That's a crisp paper. Three misconceptions about the solar eclipse which happened. First of all, all right, Greg, on this timeline we're on now where people are hearing our voices on Sunday, April 14th, how was the eclipse for you? Oh, my God. The fucking clouds rolled in. We literally, I bought four flights to Mexico, an Airbnb, a rent-a-car, an Uber up into the hills. And we get there, clouds roll in. We saw nothing. It just got dark. Wow.

And then a Mexican guy took my wallet. Huh. I don't know who took my wallet. I was in Mexico. I'm assuming it was a Mexican guy took my wallet. Huh. I don't know who took my wallet. I was in Mexico. I'm assuming it was a Mexican guy. I'm traveling with a lot less because I just fear... I'm back to a rubber band, dude. You don't need a wallet anymore.

No, you really don't. It's ridiculous to bring a wallet. You know, what do I need? My AAA card all the time? Oh, it's unbelievable. When I'm in Spain, I, you know, what do I need? My triple a card all the time. Oh, it's unbelievable. When I'm in Spain, I'm looking like, what an idiot. There's my Costco card. Yeah. Yeah. Um, all right. So what are some of the misconceptions? Well, thank you for asking about my eclipse. I, Oh yeah. How was your eclipse, Mike? I know it was, it was about, uh, six days ago and you know what I did and I feel really good about myself. It was about six days ago. And you know what I did? And I feel really good about myself.

It was cloudy also. So I did all my taxes. I got them done. Oh, wow. Yeah. That was present of you. And I hadn't started it at all. So when Monday came around, it was like, what am I going to do? So that's what I did. That's weird because I would have predicted that it was time to do your taxes, and instead you masturbated furiously for the entire afternoon.

Well, there is way more flow going on, as you pointed out, with all the women maybe syncing up their periods. That's right. So maybe it felt better than usual. I don't know. Actually being real for a second, I'll be in an office at work, which is the first time in a long time. And I bet we get a nice break, hopefully for the eclipse. I would hope so. Well, you know, I don't know how much it affects L.A., does it? Well, it's going to get dark. It might not be total.

Right. So what are three of the misconceptions during the solar eclipse? I might be down at USC at that hour. When is it going to hit L.A.? You don't know. When's it going to hit you? 11 a.m. So I think L.A. will be 10 a.m.? So I think L.A. will be 10 a.m. Yeah, I guess so. It's weird. I always think of Mexico being even behind us. All right.

Here are the myths. Total solar eclipses produce harmful rays that can cause blindness. False. I don't know if they should print that but false while the eclipse itself can cause blindness if you are not in the path if you're not in the path of total of totality and not wearing glasses it can cause serious damage to your eyes so yeah basically you go blind let's just the last eclipse I remember I was about 14 and I stared at it. I went completely blind, but I was also masturbating furiously at the time, which I think also causes it.

Yeah, that's a double dose of blindness. If you are pregnant, you should not watch an eclipse because it could harm your baby. False. because it could harm your baby. False. The myth stems from the idea that harmful radiation is emitted during a solar eclipse. I didn't put this in there, but it did. This is not a joke.

It did go on to say that some things are emitted, like the rumor or the myth is not out of nowhere. So I thought that was interesting. So it can harm your baby. This might be a solution to the abortion ban. It's going to be like, what was the movie with all the babies? Rosemary's Baby. Just a bunch of unwed mothers standing in a field staring at the sun. Wait, what's the Rosemary's Baby link?

Well, these women all want to have their babies aborted by the sun. This is God's abortion, they call it. Oh, all right. No, but do you remember Rosemary's Baby? All the pregnant women were like marching in single file out of the town at the end. It was the final scene of the movie, if you haven't seen it. I think you might have the wrong movie. Nope.

That's it. I think you might have the wrong movie. Nope. That's it. I do remember, and you know them, but my, uh, my ex-laws,

my old in-laws, uh, when Jill was very pregnant, like really pregnant, Rosemary's baby came out and it was quite the scene. And he was in entertainment in New York and they went to Rosemary's baby and people even said that like, shame on you.

With her big belly leaving the theater. Yeah. No shit. People were so rattled. It was such a, if you haven't seen Rosemary's Baby, really see it. It's such a visceral thing to birth and being pregnant. Yeah. Right.

There are no total solar eclipses at Earth's north or south poles. Again, false. The last solar eclipse viewed from the North Pole was on March 20th, 2015, and it was directly in line with the North Pole. I remember that because in December of 2015, Santa was flying the sled right into people's chimneys. Santa? Yep.

Your New York accent comes out on Santa. Santa. Santa. Yeah. That was a nice waste of time. I mean, whoever even heard that North Pole myth. Yep. All right.

I like this story. heard that North Pole myth. Yep. All right. I like this story. Colorado will become only the second state in the country to prohibit the use of a controversial term called excited delirium on such official documents as police and autopsy reports. So I had no idea what they were talking about. California was the first, Colorado the second. An investigation tied more than 225 deaths across the U.S. to the use of this term. Almost all followed prone or face-down restraint, use of a stun gun, or both. use of a stun gun or both. Critics of excited delirium have long said the term is used to explain away the deaths that occur during law enforcement restraint. Excited delirium is rooted in a theory that a body can become so agitated and a mind so delirious that the heart simply stops. For decades, coroners have listed it as a cause of death to explain why people suddenly died in police custody.

So this guy, they just put as an example, poor Alex Gutierrez in 2017. Huh? Gutierrez. Oh, that's right. You're in Mexico. Huh? Gutierrez. Oh, that's right.

You're in Mexico. In 2017, he died under a pile of officers in Adams County, and the Adams County coroner concluded the restraint didn't kill him, but excited delirium did. Wow. It sounds like a Beatles concert. Remember all those girls were going down at the Beatles concert in 1963? Oh, they all peed their seats? Yeah.

Yeah. That's the first sign of excited delirium is you just urinate your seat. That's right. To a great song. Now police, they need a new term now, like maybe comfortably comfortably numb ecstatic nappy poo yeah have you seen videos george floyd and that excited delirium he caught the he caught the excited delirium it was going around yeah he was very excited yeah excited to see the police hey it's the police excited excited delirium how are How is this a thing right now?

How is Colorado only the second state? I know. I know. That's insanity. And this is only the ones that have been described that way. I mean, how many other misrepresentations of somebody dying under restraint have there been? Yeah. dying under restraint have there been yeah but have you seen videos of like 14 year old girls 12 year old girls at taylor swift concerts losing it i literally have seen some faint it is fucking

nuts they are convulsing and they are crying they're like straining but they need to keep singing the words as they go. It's pretty profound. It's pretty amazing. I might watch that doc. I might watch that doc. Yeah. Of the tour, you know, because listen, something's going, it's kind of like that, you know, that many people can't be wrong type thing. Although I think they are.

I mean, these poor girls, imagine if they saw a really good songwriter like they would their head explode or it would go over their head i guess well i remember when i the first concert i ever went to and everybody's got their first concert story sadly mine is the bay city rollers i was like i was like 10 or 11 d-a-y night that's catchy as hell there was cindy viera who was a portuguese girl in my grade she had a viara she had a crush on uh the bay city rollers and her and her friend who didn't went with her i forget the friend's name atdes Garrido. The two of them were going to the concert. So me and my friend Josh Barker bought tickets to go so we could see them at the concert. And the girls

were losing their shit. It was like the Beatles. They were going insane. And this is notoriously one of the worst bands in rock and roll history. No, no, no, no. That was a legitimate pop hit and i remember it so you have to put it in context we had five do we have six tv stations and and radio and the only way you could like a new hit song like people would record it on a cassette like hand recorded on a on a on a tape recorder it was hard for something to go viral is what i'm saying

and i don't know how they manufactured that hysteria but like it was i guess just like the just like the the machine that put the beatles in front of everybody the Bay city rollers had their five minutes of that. Yeah. It was about five minutes. And that song wasn't even their song. Like their whole album was all just like revamped early rock and roll songs. And they were from Scotland.

And the whole thing was like, everybody would wear plaid and they bring plaid scarves. And, uh, where did you see them at radio city music hall wow yeah pretty pretty good gig for them yeah yeah anyway this goddamn delirium it's so ridiculous murdered manhattan art dealer brent sikema sikema disinherited his estranged husband a former male prostitute from his multi-million dollar estate before he died and gave another ex-lover

a million dollars in his will sikema sikema 75 was brutally stabbed to death at his winter home in rio de janeiro boy this just keeps getting sexier and sexier. Yeah, what? In Brazil, in January, the day before he was due to return to his lavish Chelsea apartment, his estranged husband, Daniel Garcia Carrera, 53, is now a suspect in the murder. He was released on a $1 million bond

and has to wear an ankle bracelet after prosecutors pleaded for him to be kept behind bars in case he flees the country. Although they, they made a concession. The ankle bracelet is sequined and it has black leather trimming. So it's not,

you know, barbaric. They better work on that angle because he's lighting his loafers. Didn't you say that? Yes, I did say that. You did that detail? Yeah.

This is, the guy didn't think through this murder, I don't think. I mean, talk about motive. Yeah. But disinherited his estranged husband. Okay, yeah, I guess you do got to change the will also. I went through that. When you get divorced, you have to change the will. You kind of move everything to your kids,

and his kid was this new guy. Yeah, the new guy. 22 years younger. That's his husband. I got to think, if you are dealing in the Rio de Janeiro, Chelsea world of gay love, don't leave anybody any money. Just let people walk away friends. Yeah.

Or leave them all the same amount, almost like a favored nations. And you are dealing with nations. It's like a favored nations thing. I mean, if I was a gambling man also wouldn't you want to wouldn't you want to change that will or convince them to change it before you offed them right right right uh listen prize picks is america's number one fantasy sport oh yeah more than 3 million members. It's the easiest, most exciting way to get in on action while you watch your favorite sports and players.

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It is, you know, pick more, pick less. It's that easy. Just do it. Have fun. All right. Nice. I don't know if that was my best weed read ever. Here we go.

You have too much money on the line with your pics man all right entertainment entertainment this story's close to home this one's close to home uh as as somebody who is uh i consider myself family over at the comedy store and paulauly Shore is like a brother to me. They are now facing a second lawsuit alleging assault from the comedy club's bouncers. Everyone sees that. This comedian, Elliot Prusciutti. And I know when you read stories like this, you're supposed to say allegedly.

So I'm going to say alleged comedian Elliot Prasciutti filed a lawsuit against the club. This guy stiffed, allegedly stiffed the server, and then when he tried to leave the bouncers tried to stop him, and then things got heated up. That's all.

Don't go suing Pauly Shore. Pauly's got other he's writing material. He's doing a one-man show. He's going on the road. Leave him alone. Yeah. I'd love to see this guy's act.

Thanks a lot, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitstaff, even though I never do. But hey, you guys are a great crowd. They're giving me the light, but I'm afraid to go out into the parking lot. You ever stiff a surfer? Stiff a surfer? I've never stiffed a surfer. I'm such a pussy, even when it's terrible service and I'm complaining,

I still leave a tip. Always. Always. What's that about? I don't know. I sort of feel like, you know, I, I was a waiter. My daughter is a waiter. You always personalize it. You make it about you. That's right. I'm going to, we talked about it. We talked about it last week. I'm going to walk into

Wells Fargo and say, give me $52 bills, stealing my dad's idea. And then I'm giving $2 bills because they feel special. Yep. And that's what I'm doing to valets. That's what I'm doing to bartenders. No one has cash also anymore. So, and you need it sometimes. I think that's cheap. I think that's cheap of you. Cheap of me to double my usual tip and give them a special fun money? I think valets should get $5 to park the car. Now, what about the guy that takes your bag when you get out of an Uber at a hotel? How about nothing? It's got fucking wheels on it. Move on to another occupation. What are

you doing out front anymore? No, fives are the solid move in most situations. I hear you. But I don't know. A complimentary valet, you don't think $2 is good? No, $5. Especially when it's complimentary, then you definitely want to tip well. Oh, good Lord. It was at the hospital and it's mandatory. It's part of the parking. They're like, we have to park it for you. I don't know. The whole thing stinks of a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where then your father comes in and needs to go into the ER and the valet doesn't let you park the car or something. And then your father dies. That's a little dark for Curb, but it's possible. It would be cool if Curb had a really dark, you know he has dark, he has so much dark material. Speaking of Florida.

Here we go. Drunk Florida man beaten after making fun of guest with Down syndrome at Disney World Resort Bar. According to the complaint, the family was sitting at a nearby table when George, this guy, approached them and started mocking the couple's daughter, who was described as having Down syndrome and was in a wheelchair. The girl's mother then confronted George and asked him if he was making fun of her

daughter when George stood up and allegedly shoved her twice. He proceeded to allegedly slap another guest at the table in the face when she tried to intervene. The husband of the woman who was slapped got involved and george allegedly punched him in the neck yes george was then punched in the head by the husband according to the complaint and then when police arrived he had cuts on his face george did and i think was outside because more people got involved um First of all, don't a lot of people in Florida talk this way. So it's hard to tell. Maybe George spoke that way. No, it's a bad joke. This is all right. You want to do a joke before I get serious? Yeah. They don't mention that George was hired to play dopey. This was all in character. This is, you know, he's one of the seven dwarves.

Either that or George was sent in by DeSantis. I think he's just a rabble rouser. DeSantis is trying to upset the park. Oh yeah. DeSantis versus Disney. It's a long fought battle at this point. Sure it is. All right. So we just got older. It was our birthdays, right? Yeah. But my question is, do you sometimes, because you have in the past very famously, and I have it, do you still have strong urges sometimes to hurt people? Yes. If I saw this in a bar,

I don't, yeah, it would be tough for me not to walk right through that guy, George. Even a sucker punch. Hopefully a sucker punch. When I fantasize about when I see somebody like this, I fantasize about coming up from behind them and getting them into a classic MMA sleeper choke and just take them down because otherwise they're going to kick and scream and punch and everybody's going to get hit.

But if you just take him down and neutralize him, and I think there would be a really viscerable joy in feeling the life go out of his body as he went unconscious as I squoze on his fat neck, which is red. It would be a red neck. Yet we know it's the wrong thing to do. How is it the wrong thing if he's punching people? I know what I'm, no, it is. I mean, the more evolved and listen, you can save all the letters. I get it that there, there's an argument for an eye for an eye and, and, and, and sometimes you can't, you know, maybe physical intervention is the right thing. I, and I know there are arguments for that, but I think the more evolved thing is you wouldn't go down to their level. And why be physical? But all of it's feeling unsatisfactory to me. All my suggestions are feeling very unsatisfactory.

Yeah. I would just say he would have a little down syndrome when I was done. He'd be going down. That's his syndrome. You're going down. I remember when we were in college and Billy Clark all of a sudden took, he was very inspired by pacifists. Because the thing that we did get out of BU is like, you know, Howard Zinn was a professor there. And there were really great professors,

even though we abused our privilege of being at Boston University. But we would get turned on by especially history professors and stuff. And you're of that age where you're learning about everything. And so he became very pacifist. And we were at a club and Billy was dancing with this girl. at a club and Billy was dancing with this girl. And apparently another guy had dibs on the girl. Maybe even it was, I don't know what it was,

but the guy came out and punched Billy right in the face. Were you there? No. On the dance floor. I wasn't there either. I don't think so. That's the weird, but we,

I was, I saw them that night, punched him in the face and Billy just took it and then looked at the guy and still like put his hands out. Like, Hey buddy, Hey, the guy punched Billy in the face again. And, and out of nowhere, who was the guy from Chicago? His name began with a G with a gasl. I remember that guy gas. So James gas. So out of nowhere, gas comes in at about a hundred miles an hour and levels the guy. Like it was one of us.

The victim was being a pacifist and we couldn't take it. It's like, we didn't trust that Billy was doing what what he wanted he probably even like uh got angry at gasol for doing it but uh i just love that story that a friend can't take it yeah watching a guy totally in control yeah and trying to reason with a bully that's hilarious but anyway i think i would have uh gotten in trouble with what I would have done to George in this bar. Well, I hate to say it, but I hate cancel culture. I really do.

But I do like that this guy, George, it will be well known to everybody he works with and in his community that he did this. And it will haunt him. And he will probably have to move. I would hope. Yeah. And if we really want to explore it, if we really want to explore it, the, the degree of rage you feel is very tied to obviously your view of this, this, this, you know, bullying of someone who can't help it and and help themselves and is a victim of sorts in this scenario. But as all you know, the it's a wheelchair bound person with a disability. So I don't know. But I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to start

cocktailing after this podcast. Let's go international. Let's go international let's go international um let's go right down to uh as bitcoin is trading at one of the highest price points in history kim jong-un and north korea claim their new quantum computer, which they've managed to keep under secrecy for years, is able to hack the blockchain technology and eventually break Bitcoin's safety. Quote, this is an official statement from the North Korean government. Blockchain is as strong as its weakest link. Today we achieved something that is unimaginable before. Thanks to the power of our great nation and leader, we hacked this technology that everybody thought was impossible to compromise. And then in another announcement,

they said that Kim Jong-un then shot an astounding 19 under par and made an oscar-nominated movie which i hadn't even heard about that uh he kind of he kind of stepped on my joke doing your fun accent because my take on this was quote blockchain a quote that has blockchain and weakest link are not easy things for Koreans to say. Like, if you're going to put the statement out and read it, just say Bitcoin and hack. Rake is rank. Blockchain. And by the way, I forever I'm saying, by the way, too much again.

But for those listening, I researched this joke and I was like, do Koreans also have difficulty with L's and R's? Yes, they do. It's in their alphabet. It's in how their mouths have been speaking their whole lives. Right. I mean, why is it that I can go, hey, why are you going to come around here? Or I can say, what are you doing coming around here? But I can't say, why are you coming around here?

Why is it that one of those is inappropriate and the other one isn't? I think because there's some element of punching down versus the other ones. And I know what you're saying, but wait, Mike, Italians are the blacks of the world in many people's view. So that would be punching down. But I disagree with you, Greg. I know the Irish. I know all four of my grandparents came over here in the bottoms of boats with not a dime in their pockets. So I don't know how far up or down I'm punching. I know.

It's a tough one. But, you know, the problem is the white skin. Yep. A little too white. The white skin spare them, even though there was a genocide committed against them. The white skin spare them, even though there was a genocide committed against them. The whites can spare them. Well, what about, yeah, man, we having good time here, man.

Like, they got black skin. I can do a Jamaican accent. I wonder how long you can do that for. It might be because it's so positive. There are things like that. Like we know as comedians, there are factors that, you know,

sociologists can't factor in like, yeah, but Jamaicans are cool. Like, like that can't be in a research paper. You know what I mean? Right. Right.

Research papers. Like it's a black accent. It's like, no, man, it's a Jamaican accent. Yeah. Danny McCarthy on 18 now just parred the last two holes,

so now he is two shots off the leader. But if you do that accent making fun of a Jamaican nurse, that changes a little. Right. You know? Yep. It's a fascinating subject because it's changing so much now but what if it's an what if it's a chinese nurse i get you uh you all right uh let's get to business

before we get completely canceled does she pp in their iv what were you going to say with that it's a joke she made joke business uh the operators of the 99 cent only stores announced thursday they will shut down uh all 371 of their locations throughout four states uh liquidation sales starting fr. So look for those 79 cent deals at the 99 cent store. This was very difficult for us, blah, blah, blah. We appreciate our dedicated employees, customers, partners that have supported 99 cent stores over the decades. I didn't know they'd been around for that long. So, I mean, look, I think when your profit margin is a penny, there's only so many decades you're going to stay in business.

I don't know. I saw that John Oliver, he did a thing. It might have been dollar stores, but it was this type of store. Yeah. Their margin is pretty nice. And it's especially because they completely rip off their employees, leave them unsafe. Oh,

you find it's from the last, this past year, find that John Oliver on the dollar stores. It's, it's really funny also because they have calls like from the person like we've been robbed. There's a fire. The one guy's like locked himself in storage. It's it's it's really funny, actually.

And sad. It's also a misnomer because when you go there, a lot of times the shit's like 225. Like it's not all 99 cents. Total bullshit. Total bullshit. Total bullshit. Hey, look, if I go to McDonald's, I want a fucking guy going, hey, hey, can I get you today? Can I get you to shake?

What the fuck accent was that? I don't know what you just did. That was craziness. You can tell we're at the end. Can you tell we're at the end of our second podcast in four hours? Alright, are we saving the Harvard story? Let's save it. For the love of God, let's save it. That's a dark story.

Alright. And let's get to, should we do this day in history or go straight to letters? Yeah, let's do it because you know I wing it, man. July 14th. What'd you say? July 14th, April 14th. I'm hoping it's still April. Jesus.

Let's see. It's not that date. It's this date. Okay. Give or take. One year, Lincoln was shot dead at Ford's Theater on this day. Lincoln was shot. Give or take one year.

1883. I'm going to help you on this a little. Think about the Civil War. 1863. I love it. 1865. I win that one. You gave me one year?

Come on. Yes, I gave you one year. Yeah, because you're fucking illiterate. We just talked about how turned on by history we were at BU. Yeah. Okay. Give or take five, three years, the RMS Titanic struck an iceberg off the coast of Newfoundland.

On this day. On this night. 1902. 1912. What was it? What range did you give me? You didn't give me a range. Oh, you did? Five years. Damn, you're getting fucking tight. Give or take six years, the Dust Bowl ravages the U.S. Midwest.

Six years? Six years. 1934. God damn it, 1935. Nice. All right, let me look for some others. That website, I'm done with those. I'm done with those. Hold35. Nice. All right. Let me look for some others. That website. I'm done with those.

I'm done with those. Hold on. Hold your hat. Oh, yeah. It's Lincoln is the big story on this day. I knew it was during the Depression, so I went center of the Depression on that one. I know. I didn't like how round the number was. So we're going to talk about, oh, well, you're pretty literate.

Um, okay. Uh, on this day, uh, American author Ralph Ellison published his debut novel, Invisible Man, that tells of a naive and idealistic young black man. It's widely regarded as a classic. So Ralph Ellison published his debut novel, Invisible Man, on this day in what year, give or take 10 years? 1956. You know what? I knew you'd do it. 1952. Yep. Good for you. All right. See that?

Maybe that excuses a lot of your racist accents in this. That's right. I think that offsets it. I think I buy back some goodwill on that. I think that's it. Let's get to the obituary. Here we go. And that's all, folks. So this happened a couple of weeks ago, but I thought it was worth mentioning. Louis Gossett Jr.

It was on March 30th. He won an Academy Award well-deserved for an officer and a gentleman. He won an Emmy for the groundbreaking miniseries roots and the poor man died at, I mean, poor man, meaning he died at 87, a coroner statement from his family. And I just want to put out there, like have your kids watched, uh, an officer and gentlemen? I don't think they have. And that's a great call. I think that one definitely stands the test of time i'm i'm a little fearful of how slow moving kind of like rocky is you know

but not that they're similar but they're of that time and but they're you know they're loving romantic movies and you can't really get more romantic than that movie it was romantic it was really about uh the richard gear's journey was viable it was like you saw the whole the central line to the whole movie is i got nowhere left to go and and and that just sets in motion everything that happens in that movie. And his Gossett's performance, man, you fucking hated this guy. And then it almost was like Stockholm Syndrome. Whenever he showed a little bit of humanity, you loved him. Yep.

humanity. You loved him. Yep. But also, I mean, he, this was, this was before I think a lot of the famous, this was before, uh, whatchamacallit, uh, the Marine screaming at people from, uh. Officer and a gentleman. No, I mean, um. Yeah, not a clockwork orange. God damn. We're at the end of two of these and I'm so tired. You know, a full metal jacket. Yeah. So this is before, like, he just, the screaming military commander in charge of a group of, like, rookies. And, you know, and people signing on recruits. He just nailed it.

And the way he carried himself. I'm not saying it's the first one, but maybe the first of the modern era. Yeah. Using inappropriate language. There was Patton. Did Patton dress them down like that and got really personal? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if it was personal, but he definitely dressed people down.

Like calling them gay? I don't know if he did that. Mayo nays. I mean, he famously in the movie yells at a guy who's in a hospital bed. Calls him a coward. Does he? Yeah. You know, I've never seen Patton. Oh, it's great.

I think he won the Academy Award for that. George C. Scott. Yeah. Anyway, if you haven't, I might revisit Officer and Gentleman, might try to do it with my kids. I just remember it being great. All right, let's cheer up. Let's cheer up a little bit and go to the funnies. Here we go. let's cheer up let's cheer up a little bit and go to the funnies here we go okay hagger is standing out there with lucky and uh they're talking and hagger goes our spy tells me the count was tipped off to today's planned castle raid and lucky goes can he stop us and in the second frame you see the castle and there's like a yard sale going on in the front yard and it says free, all you can carry, more inside and

you see like golf clubs which I guess they played a lot of golf in the 1100s. Yeah, it's old sport. Coats hanging on a rack. They were raiding Scotland. And Hager goes no but he can spoil our fun. Well, and what you don't see out of the frame is that the queen is actually bound and gagged spread eagled and naked just beside the side of

the castle as you're right i can't see that you can't see that no yeah and that's on the free table i imagine that is yeah maybe they even pay you to take a ride. It's like give a penny, take a penny. Yeah. It's one of those? Yeah. All right. Finally, the Lockhorns.

Oh, my God. This is a good one. What do you mean, finally? Almost at finally. This is a good one. I like this. All right, so Leroy's sitting at at the table and Loretta's walking away. She's got a look on her eyes

like he just called her the C word. She's carrying dishes. She's just made him a meal, prepared him dinner, and he's sitting, not even clearing the fucking dishes, and he goes, taking it back to the crime lab.

It's a great line. And that she did. You're right. Like, would you even have the balls to say that to an AI robot who is clearing what they made for you? And you're just sitting there wiping your mouth as you say it. You see why she's so mean to him at other times it really goes both ways i think they're equal opportunity absolutely it's a fair fight i think they're we talked about punching down they're punching straight across

straight across counter punching counter punching even punching at the counter. Okay. I told you last week, I'm starting a 15 week run of doing, I looked up a new, cause none of you told me what comic strip I should do next. So I found, what are these guys' names called again? Calvin and Hobbes. So Calvin and Hobbes. I wasn't,

this is how spaced out I am. I wasn't pretending to forget their names. So anyway, I read number 15 last week. It's a countdown to number one. This is 14. So this title on the story says about it, the editorializing of it was the baby raccoon story broke everyone's heart. Okay. So it's number 14. Here goes the comic strip. Calvin's running to what I assume is his dad. Dad. Yeah, I guess I can.

Dad. Can you assume that? I'm really good, huh? Dad, did you check? And he's running into his arms. Dad, did you check on the little raccoon this morning? Yes, Calvin. I'm afraid he died. Wow.

All right. So that's a strong first panel. There's four panels. Yeah, Calvin. I'm afraid he died. Wow. All right. So that's a strong first panel. There's four panels. Yeah. Calvin, wow. Inconsolable. The dad, I'm sorry too, kiddo, but he didn't have much of a chance. Third frame. Wow. And the dad's like, at least he died warm and safe, Calvin. We did all we could, but now he's gone the final frame the dad is has his arm around calvin calvin's gathered himself a little and it's like sniff i know i'm crying because out there he's gone but he's not gone inside me. Oh, fuck. Oh, what the fuck?

Like the oldest trope. It like, have you seen ET where they literally say this? Yeah. And this is number 14 of all time. And whose heart did this break? Someone who just woke up out of a coma or, and, and who's never seen anything before they went into a coma?

I'm not wrong on this. The raccoon story broke everyone's heart. Weren't you expecting something surprisingly good? Yeah, I think that like I'm a big fan of Peanuts. I really am. And I think there are some heartwarming ones in Peanuts mixed in that I don't know why, but those characters move me, maybe because I started reading them at a very young age. I always found, you know, Charlie Brown to be a really lovable loser. And Linus was this creative, brooding misfit like they were they were great characters and so there were moments that were poignant and well they were refreshingly depressed and hobbs but you know that these were listed as a top 15 of all yes yes all right that's weird

i can't wait till 13. tight black jeans stiletto heels a blue green like a teal top and shiny black hair and he says to her i was going to take you out to a fancy restaurant for our anniversary date but my dad said i should bring you here instead they're eating they're drinking fucking malts at a diner and she goes a diner is a better decision than a fancy restaurant now she goes a diner is a better decision than a fancy restaurant and then the dopey son says well to be fair he gave me 10 bucks in gas money if i bring him back two double cheeseburgers okay so all right a let's break this down a he's taking his fucking black cloud his complete banner of being a loser, and he's passing it on to his son to wear.

And he's sacrificing what should be a beautiful night so he can get two cheeseburgers? Does he care about marrying this fucking dope off to this hottie? I love it. This is the plan. He's like, son, this is how you'll find out if you will just have the most passive woman ever who will take an incredibly flawed human being as her husband and not ever have a backbone and stand up for herself.

Just try this. Beat her down. And I don't think she's having any of it. I really believe that marriage is... She's running. It's an accord. You both set up expectations. And then within that marriage,

the dating period is where you're getting your footing and you're establishing what the other person is capable of. And then you decide whether or not that's enough. And if it is, it's implicit in getting married that that person will not get worse. They may not get better, but they won't get worse. And I think that that's what you're getting at here is he's saying, can you accept this? Good. Then I can be lazy and a piece of shit for the rest of my life. So it's not a chord progression.

See what I did there? A chord progression. Oh, that was good. We might want to end on that. Yeah, let's end on that. I have no more brain cells left. All right. No thanks to Chris Denman, who could not be here this week

because I think he was doing some project on the road. He's in Baltimore repairing the bridge. Hey, by the way, how about this confluence or whatever, this coincidence of me finally diving into where i left the uh wire which is season two in the harbor of baltimore in the shipping industry no shit and i am watching that now as this thing happened wow amazing all right well shout out to the bridge in Baltimore. Shout out to Midcoast Media and our sponsors. Please support them. Go to FitzDogRadio at gmail.com and send us in logos and songs if you have the gifts. And if you don't, thank you for enjoying the show, spreading the word, going to Google Podcasts and Apple Podcasts and leaving comments.

It helps us out a great deal. We appreciate that. And I guess we'll see you guys next week, meaning really in two weeks. Well, not to them, Greg. Not to them. To them in a week. To us. We're just sharing. I didn't even think about it.

The Baltimore, all the shipping, it affects the energy industry with XLEle et and paa forget about it oh shit um i think that's already baked in um all right uh listen now we're going to be uh uh ourselves on april 6th have a great trip to mexico thank you so much can't wait i hope it's not cloudy especially if you're in like the epicenter so to speak, or one of the prime locations for this path. Yeah, we'll have fun either way. And what was the last time you saw Owen? Six months. It was Thanksgiving.

Really? Yeah. Man, time is flying. Thanksgiving does not seem like half a year ago wait you see that you see the sun outside it's setting over it's over land already it's not even out over the ocean like time waits for no one wait it's not six months he left at thanksgiving so january february march oh so it's been like four months in a couple weeks. All right. That's enough time. Time to come home. Get a job.

Move on. Yeah. It still doesn't feel like four and a half months ago. No, it doesn't. But I'm glad that time's not moving as fast for us as it is for you, Greg. At least I can be grateful for that. Well, listen, have a happy birthday. I'm sorry I'll miss it.

We'll raise a glass when I get back. And I'll see you then. Take it, Ish. Take it, Ish. If you don't have time to keep up with the news, these are your dues. The Sunday Paper Podcast with Greg and Mike. Unfortunately, they don't get anything right.