Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 213 4/21/24

Episode Date: April 21, 2024

Everybody is in jail this week: Florida man, Texas boy, The Boston Bomber and El Chapo. Also Trump both smelt it and dealt it.

Read all about it! Read all about it! Read all about it! Read all about it! Sunday Papers! And we... Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! All the judges in session for Sunday Papers! Big trial this week, we'll get into that later. We're also gonna get into some Florida, some Texas. We're going to talk about maybe El Chapo if we get to it. We've got a lot to get to.

Koozie update. We're going to talk about the roast, the koozie update. What else are we talking about? Dickie Betts. Dickie Betts. Yeah, it's so funny somebody we'll talk about it later but somebody wrote i was you know listening to some of the posts and then i looked at the comments and so many of them said this is so sad and it's like how is this fucking sad when i think

of dickie betts i think of joy i think of. I think of what he's shared with people over all these years. It's not sad. He was 80 fucking years old. People are going to die. All right. Well, I guess we'll all be joyful when Mrs. Fitzsimmons dies. Oh, shit. Because it was nothing but joy.

Yeah, shots fired. Oh, shit. Shots fired. That was fucking harsh. My my mother are you talking about my wife or my mother no i wouldn't say your wife would be a tragedy that would be a tragedy i sometimes think about of course you could say that about any of course it's sad also let me hold on my mic technique is lacking keep going But what is the human experience that any time, I mean, we all know how it ends. There is no

exception to the rule. We're gonna die. Everybody we know is gonna die. And the people that we grew up adoring are more than likely gonna die before us. Is it sad? Why sad? Is it a big surprise?

It's sad for us is he still playing was he still on tour no he was kicked out of the Allmans in 2000 maybe or something like that so he never played when they kept going around you know with and they were still

bringing it they were still bringing it. They were great shows, but he was kicked out, I think, for his drug and alcohol use, maybe. But anyway, we'll get to him later. But yeah, of course it's sad. No, you know what it is? It's also nostalgic.

It's also, you know, it reminds us of our mortality, all the usual things. I embrace my mortality. i can't fucking wait no like when jagger dies or whoever like it's gonna be sad not for me oh my god okay you figured it out you you everyone's wrong i'm not i just think i'm more eastern i like the buddhist don't the the the budd Buddhist Bible is called the Book of the Dead. It's about accepting death before you die, and then you can have peace in life. I'm not that evolved. I'm going to be sad when these people die.

You're just so unevolved, Mike. I am unevolved. is uh daunting i think i think irish people have a very limited emotional palette and i think sadness and anger pretty much dominate the whole tray of colors uh yeah i think you might be right i think you might be a little right there. How was Mazatlan? Mazatlan was amazing. I know that I haven't talked about it on Sunday Papers. I think I talked about it on my podcast a little bit. in Central America for six months or five months traveling around with his buddy Gabriel, who like, if you had to pick somebody to travel with, this fucking kid, he was an Eagle Scout. He can make a fire with two sticks. He can pitch a tent.

He traveled with a fishing pole and he would get up. They'd be staying in some youth hostel on the beach in in on the central coast of mexico this kid would wake up at 6 a.m he'd go down to the docks and he'd find his way on to somebody's boat and he would go out and he would fish and he would catch a bunch of fish and come back he'd build a fire on the beach he'd cook it for everybody it was fucking unbelievable and he's like fluent in spanish he's an artist he's like a master guitar player he is gorgeous oh it sounds like it craig i mean i'm just telling you man i traveled with sneaky pete cars when i went to europe and that kid was an introvert with acne it was brutal so this kid dies i bet you're sad

it's a tragedy isn't it i don't care how old he is it's a tragedy when this motherfucker dies right um but anyway we went down the eclipse was otherworldly um it was just like whatever you have to do to get to an eclipse. It happened and everybody just got so emotional. One girl broke down. I went and had 12 friends down there. And one of the girls started sobbing and she cried the entire

four minutes that the sun was like that. Everybody else was jumping up and down, hugging. I couldn't stop smiling for like 30 minutes. It was so intense. It was like the entire horizon, 360 degrees, all looked like there was a little glow of a sunset. It was like a sunset in all directions.

And then we laid down and we played Dark side of the moon and we all laid down on the sand together, like in a row. And we had this crazy moon, uh, uh, song list that I had put together. And, um, you know, dark side of the moon, moon dance, moon shadow, um, fly me to the moon. Anyway, you get it you had to be there you could have done

sun songs also like what well here comes the sun I mean there's a million sun songs here comes the sun king you could just do Beatles sun songs yeah there's a lot of them

I wonder what the earliest thinking was on what the hell was going on when it turned dark in the middle of the day. Good day, sunshine. I know it was that was one of the things that made it so profound is you couldn't not think about what this must have been like. And obviously why they sacrificed virgins as opposed to now where you're you you try to you try to keep them alive the virgin yeah or goats right why get rid of the virgins i mean what have they done anybody also a virgin goat is worth more than i think a goat that's been fucked a lot oh do we should we not curse up top?

Is there something about up top in the podcast? Yeah, you're supposed to not curse for the first eight minutes. Oh, damn it. Maybe we could bleep that one. Shoot, shoot. Don't it all the heck? Yeah, we don't do that well on YouTube

because of our cursing. We don't get in any kind of algorithm. Yeah, All right. I also want to announce that on May 8th, I will be running a 5K. Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer invited me to run a 5K with them.

I don't know anything about the event, but it is part of the Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival. So I don't know if we're supposed to be funny while we're running. Yeah. Well, I bet Bert won't have a shirt. I'm guessing.

I'm guessing I won't either. Oh, wow. Little teaser. Three bears. Yeah. Or maybe you're the cave for the two bears. Oh,

I get it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of anal rape jokes happening so far in this podcast uh oh right with the goat and stuff yeah well why did you assume it was a butthole on the goat because it's my that's true yeah you're dirty that. Oh, and this race is at the Rose Bowl. It's the goat vagina.

I guess Denman has found some information. It's at the Rose Bowl. And I don't know if he's going to write any more here. Oh, here he is. Here's a little poster of it. It didn't come out right in the document. So we should celebrate that today. Oh, here it is.

Two bears committed to a 5k by May. And instead of running just any old 5k, they're running their own. Join Bert, Tom, and many other celebrities on May 7th. Presented by Netflix as a joke and brought to you by poor Osos. Good. I'm glad I'm promoting their whiskey. That's the important thing for me. Wow. All right. What do they sell?

Who? Those guys? Yeah. They sell everything. I'm not sure about the whiskey. Oh, you didn't hear about this? Oh, no. It's huge. It's huge. It's a liquor they started selling about a month ago. Poor Osos. Oh. Yeah. What does that mean?

For bears? For what? I think Osos is bears. Yeah. What does that mean? For bears? For what? I think osos is bears. Yeah? Okay. Yeah. Dos osos? Dos osos.

That's a lot of os. All participants not only get the opportunity to party with the two bears team, Participants not only get the opportunity to party with the two Bears team, but also receive a finisher medal, beer, and T-shirt, unless you're Bert. Right. Okay. So, anyway, today is 4-21. Oh, it's vodka. Yesterday was 4-20, although we're recording this on 4-20.

I know. So it's actually today. I'm exhausted because, I mean, it this on 420. So it's actually today. I'm exhausted because I mean, it's 420 from the second I wake up, it's all about celebrating Hitler's birthday. It's also that. Can I tell you a joke I heard? Sure.

Oh yeah. And then I'll do, I told you this joke, right? I don't know. All right. So this guy walks into a, a little seedy bar outside of Buenos Aires in Argentina.

And this is in the 1970s. Pacific, yeah. So the guy walks into the bar and he sees a little man at the end of the bar in the shadows drinking alone. So he goes over, pulls up a stool, and he goes, how you doing, friend? And he goes, wait a minute. He goes, you look familiar. And the guy says, no, I don't think so. He goes, no, no, no. Your profile. I'm looking into your eyes. I know you. He goes, what's your name? And he goes, Adolf. He goes, Hitler? He

goes, Adolf Hitler? Sitting in a little dive bar outside of Buenos Aires in Argentina in a dark shadow. What are you doing over here? I have a new plan. What's the new plan? It is much bigger than the old plan. This time we kill 12 million Jews and four rodeo clowns. And the guy goes, why four rodeo clowns? You see, nobody cares about the Jews.

Have you heard that? I think I heard it when it was one. There was one weird thing. Yeah. I like four. Four is better. Yeah. It's a good one.

I like it. Classic. Anyway, I don't know if it's Hitler's birthday. It actually is not. I looked it up. It's not his birthday. Anyway, I don't know if it's Hitler's birthday. It actually is not. I looked it up. It's not his birthday. Oh, no. No, people say it was Bob Marley's birthday, which it was not,

but it was, in fact, Hitler's birthday. Yeah. The other theories are, I like this one. He's an Aries on the cusp. I like this one. It's a reference to Bob Dylan's song, Rainy Day Women, number... It's Rainy Day Woman, isn't it?

Number 12 and 35. Women, no, women. Is it women? Oh. Yeah. Because 12 times 35 equals 420. Oh, all right. And the real theory that I've heard

holds the most weight is that in the early 70s, five students at San Rafael High School in Marin County, where Dennis Gubbins is from, would meet outside the school at 420 and get big, dude. Yeah, I never knew the origins of it. Wait, didn't I hear rumors like it was the criminal code yeah well what is it it is the criminal code for pot which means at some point

oh there was a couple of stoners behind a dumpster getting high and they're like dude you know 420 is the police code for a marijuana bust yeah you know what we should do what Yeah, 420 is the police code for a marijuana bust. Yeah. You know what we should do?

What? What? Like, at some point, it took them a while to get organized. You're a real method actor. You got baked there for a second. Oh, oh my god i think the whole audience got baked um you just got baked that should be a game show i just got baked i haven't smoked pot in about a month did i when did i i don't know maybe last weekend i've been working too much to get high i'm tired in the morning when i do that I don't know. Maybe last weekend.

I've been working too much to get high. I'm tired in the morning when I do that. Hey, Denman, I have a technical question. My recorder, my H6, the time code, the red time code is blinking about once every four seconds and then every one second. Any idea what that means? I have plenty of battery left. I have plenty of space on the SD card. That 420 dumpster story might have worn it out.

Yeah. It confused the recorder. It was a lot. It was a lot for it to take on. He is checking. Okay, he lot for it to take on. He is checking. Okay, he'll get back to me on that. In the meantime, let's thank Jane S for the logo this week. It's from Laugh-In. I loved

that show, and this is a great piece of art. Yep. Jane actually did a series of logos for us, so we'll be rolling those out over the next couple months. She did a whole bunch, so thank. So we'll be rolling those out over the next couple months. She did a whole bunch. So thank you so much for that.

The song, Thank You, Snack. Is it Black Snack or Black Snake? I don't know if he wrote a typo. I'm guessing it's Black Snake spelled S-N-A-K. What did you think of this song? I liked it a lot. You played it for me right before we started here. I thought it was so rock and cool. It was short. It was powerful. In and out. Loved it. Thank you so much. Do you have to check your memory card?

Yeah. Memory card is inserted correctly. That's not the issue. The counter is still going up? Yeah, it's recording. Corrections, we have- we get before we get there i want to run something by you so i'm on this tom brady roast oh yeah let's talk about the roast you're the head writer on the tom brady roast on netflix yep it's gonna be live may 5th and i can't really talk about, I think Monday, tomorrow, they're going to release a lot, like who the host is and names. And I mean, I thought that was out there, but anyway, I don't want to. We do know that Jeff Ross is a producer on it.

Oh, the Roastmaster General. Yeah. He's going to be a big, big part of it. Right. So Tom Brady, I don't know if I could say anything beyond that. Anyway. Well, good. I'm glad you brought it up.

No, no, no. I was going to... This is even more inappropriate. I was going to read you this small bit I wrote, but I don't think anyone will do it. But I wanted to take your temperature on it. So, this is rough, but someone gets up there, right? And goes, it's called the great you know he tom brady's the goat yeah and then they're calling this groat the greatest roast of all time but anyway it's an honor to be here tonight to talk about the goat what a legend a california native who played for a college powerhouse that won the national title and bowl games he went on to completely shatter records in the AFC East.

He became a brand ambassador for countless products like beverages, sports gear, a clothing line, Hertz rental cars, and so many more. After he retired, he made the transition to NFL announcing and movies. He got really into golf. He became a resident of Florida. Sure, there were some accusations of foul play along the way but he has denied all of it sadly he became estranged from his wife but make no mistake about it he would do absolutely anything for his family anything of course we are talking about orenthal James Simpson. His roast was a few weeks ago. Nice! Dude, it's like that time I looked into the coincidences

between Forrest Gump and the curious case of Benjamin Button where I'm like, this can't be true. Yeah. Oh, by the way, and Hertz I saw is the one that gave it away for you, but also did some of his best playing because Brady owned Buffalo. There's actually stats out there of how he just dominated Buffalo, which, of course, is a similarity between the two of them also of their best work in Buffalo.

All of that is true. Wait, Tom Brady was in Buffalo. No, but he played his best. Like he completely schooled Buffalo. Oh, okay. Interesting. And, you know, some people, some people were like, he didn't win the national championship, but Tom Brady was on Michigan.

He wasn't playing. He was backup, but they did win the national title. And he also won bowl games with them. But also both very good-looking, all-American figures, extremely well-liked. Yeah. Anyway, incredible, the similarities. Okay.

So, all right, what do we got here? What's his note? He's just telling me that they're going to check on my technical issue. All right. Well, let's just go blindly forward. Some corrections. Ryan in Chicago said, confronted by the cold, hard fact that Ryan White died from AIDS in 1990, Greg refuses to believe it.

The problem here is Greg misheard that White was the first person to die of AIDS. He wasn't. He was a kid who died from a blood transfusion, which was a big deal because it showed that AIDS was not just a gay disease as it was dismissed by the Reagan administration. It's sometimes shocking to me that Greg made it through college. Wow. Wait, I'm not understanding what you said. I guess I said that this was the first person to die of AIDS. And what Ryan is saying is, no, it was the first guy to not be gay to die of AIDS. Yeah, he would have been.

Also, it's shocking to me that I made it through college without getting AIDS, by the way, because that was the height of AIDS. And I was a big uh you know how there's vax deniers i was a condom denier in college i must have you didn't wear you didn't mask it i'll tell you what if bu girls weren't so into abortion i would have about 13 kids right now okay then ej says the standard bet is 11 to win 10 so if you bet 110 you get 210 back if you win there is no vig if you lose you're just out your original bet and mike was right if there is a tie it is a push everyone gets their original money back no vig there we go i always thought the tie went to the uh i thought that's where where uh

i know what you're thinking of you're thinking of greens on the roulette wheel right when you might do an odd or even or red and black and then it comes up green which you think should be a push they keep it right then steve i don't know if this is a typo stave or steve mike maikawa uh that sounds japanese to me oh in the obituary section for joe flaherty it was mentioned that he was one of the mckenzie brothers in the great white north sketch obviously you guys are doing your best to come up on the fly but uh no and i listened it was rick moranis and dave thomas stay staves wrong we started to talk about what a legendary show it was and at one point i said uh and we haven't even gotten to because we were going through we had already started listing

john candy and all the characters okay good and i said we hadn't even gotten to the great white north sketch with because we hadn't even gotten to the Great White North sketch because we hadn't mentioned those two guys. But thank you. Thank you for being such a good listener. And I'm glad he knows SCTV so well. Well, he's Japanese. He's not going to catch everything.

We're old. We would never put him in that sketch. We know it too well. If you want to catch me, I will be in Car carpenteria at the alcazar theater on may 3rd and then i like carpenteria i love it yeah it's a cool little town great fish tacos on the wharf oh mamaroneck new york emeline theater on may 31st escondido california at the grand comedy club j June 7th and 8th, and then Pittsburgh

at the WDVE Festival on June 21st. I'm going to be there with a few other good comics, Harlan Williams and Sarah Tiana, your friend. Absolutely. Sarah's on the roast right now. Yep. She's one of the writers. Look, support for Sunday Papers comes from Game comes from game time it is look we all stress out

when we want to go see a live event and first of all go see live events nothing brings more happiness than watching music theater comedy sports it's like you have memories from that you don't have memories of a fucking dessert you got at tgi fridays maybe you do but you shouldn't have to worry about buying the tickets game time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets uh last minute deals all-in prices views from the seats they've got a lowest price guarantee um i'm up on it right now what What's going on right now? As I tell everybody, right, I love going. You can go under sports, music shows. I go under discover, that heading.

And what do we got? We got Mets at Dodgers today, by the way. And it's a nice day here today. 36 bucks, and that's keep an eye on it. Wait till game time, as they say. We got the Mavericks at the Clippers tomorrow. Nuggets at Lakers. Oilers at Kings. And then we got Shakira coming up in November.

I would wait till that drops. November? 494 bucks. Wait a minute. They give you things far out. I can't even get dates booked further out than three weeks. What is she doing? I'm going to shake my ass.

Well, do you want tickets for Friday at Coachella for $2,016 each? Oh my God. What? I would wait on that until game time as well. So anyway, it's great. Also, did you notice the stones on there? You can get stones tickets for like $100 right

now. Did you see that? Let me put the stones in here. I'll talk about more while you do that um save 60 off buying last minute and 52 bucks 52 bucks for the stones come on now and i hear that lady gaga is joining them so take the guesswork out of buying tickets with game time download the game time app create an account and use code papers for 20 off your first purchase Yeah. By the way, I used it to go see The symphony on Tuesday night I just was looking at game time

And I all of a sudden $25 tickets to go to the Disney Hall and watch music You did that? We jumped on the train at Bergamon Station Takes you a block from Disney Hall No changing One train all the way through

I got to do that Took my girlfriend Erin could not make it Disney Hall. No changing. One train all the way through. I got to do that. Took my girlfriend. Erin could not make it. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah. Couldn't get three tickets. Erin had a... Did you draw straws? No. It was

Tuesday night. Tuesday night is the night for the Goomon. Date night? Yeah, date night. By the way, I picked this piece of paper up to crinkle, and it's the Oscar ballot. And with our memories, I think we could do it again, and it would be thrilling. Oh, I don't remember any of it. I don't remember who won. Yeah, I don't remember any of it.

Let's get to that front page. Here we go. Extra! Extra! We all have found it! Extra! page here we go okay then we got the oracle of wall street the guy who predicted the 2008 financial crash he says the rise in young sexless men living with their parents will cause house prices to plunge 30%. The analysts predicted housing supply will ramp up.

What about sexless men living with their wives? How is that going to affect prices? No effect. No effect on this earth. No effect on their life. It's just a non-existence that they're living. The analysts predicted housing supply will ramp up as the elderly relocate meanwhile men disinterested in families will cause demand to fall and single women now make

up an increasing proportion of american home buyers well i've got i've got a young sexless man living in my house my son and he is definitely bringing down the property value. He just wears shit out. He doesn't fix anything. He stains the floor. He scratches things. Yeah, it's expensive. And he's on my fucking life insurance.

He's on my car insurance. I'm paying for his cell phone. Bringing down my value. I'm just terrified my daughters are going to identify as a sexless boy. I've got, I got to tell this. I got to get them out before that happens. Yeah.

Um, new pickup lines for guys living at home. Can I get your Insta and, uh, move into that house you bought? Exactly. On a good note, the sale of moisturizers and tissue, strong futures.

Yes. Take your money out of housing and put it into Kleenex and Juergens. That's what I would do. That's what I would do. The man convicted and sentenced to death for carrying out the Boston Marathon bombing in 2013. I was there, by the way.

Well, I wasn't there for the bombing. I was there for the pursuit of the guy who did it. And I was in Boston doing shows. They canceled my shows. They literally shut down the city because these guys were on the run. It was the most insane overreaction I've ever seen in my life. Overreaction. They were terrorists in the city.

It's a big city. No, but also Boston thought they might have been black. Right, right. Boston's strong. We're strong. Activate those cops. If you're strong, keep the fucking Dunkin' Donuts open so I can eat. I was having to get room service at the hotel three meals a day for the weekend.

Cost me a fortune. Oh, my God. Anyway, the guy is fighting to keep federal prosecutors from seizing the funds he has accumulated in his prison canteen account. What? So, Jokard Sarnavi, sounds like an entree at the Hamush Cafe on Lincoln. He's arguing the death row inmate is neither hoarding funds

nor spending profligately. neither hoarding funds nor spending profligately. Profligately. He got $26,000 in donations from various sources, including from strangers. He also got $1,400 COVID relief payment a few years ago. Wait a minute. They don't sell, by any chance, pressure cookers at the canteen, do they?

Craig, he needs money for his wedding. You know all these guys in prison get married? It's very romantic in there. I think this is our thing. This is what we should start. We should start a dating app that's for men in prison and the ladies who want them. We'll call it Lockdown. Ladies, you want to lock it down with

that special guy? Need something that brings all the boys to the yard want to find someone who can commit for life who has his own place join lockdown and also if you have a fear of intimacy ladies click in the special button on the app guys on death row

short term commitments maybe it should know the daily we should call it conjugal visits. Conjugal, conjugal, just conjugal. Yeah, you want to get fucked hard. A guy who's in prison. And also, what's the theme for your new wedding? We're going with a prison motif.

Now, that's every wedding. What's yours going to be? What are you wearing? I don't know. What's yours going to be? What are you wearing? I don't know. What goes with orange jumpsuits? I think blue. Blue and orange go nicely together. What happened to stripes, by the way?

Why were they stripes? Because it was unlike any other clothing? No, no, but remember their clothing used to have stripes? I know. I'm thinking maybe when they stand behind the bars they had a shadow of stripes on them and so they just made i don't know maybe maybe they used it to their advantage they studied zebras they're like they won't be able to pick one of us off if we're all in our herd with these stripes right anyway speaking of jail there's this there's a weird smell in the Manhattan courthouse.

Multiple sources claim the foul stench is coming from former President Donald Trump, who is allegedly farting throughout his hush money criminal trial. Ben Maciolis, owner of Los Angeles magazine, is claiming that Donald Trump is actually farting in the courtroom. It's very stinky around him. I'm hearing it from actual, credible people that as he's falling asleep, he's farting. He's actually passing gas. His lawyers are really struggling with the smell. And I hear that the judge actually ordered a gag order. So that's how you know.

This is why the guy lit himself on fire outside the courthouse. But how reckless. The whole place could have gone up in flames. Do you think that he was farting and he just lit his fart as a joke and he caught on fire? I don't think so. Way more calculating. May the record reflect, Your Honor, that Mr. trump's counsel is stating that whoever smelt it dealt it do you think his farts are waking him up because that was the first news on him is how many

times he'd fall asleep yeah yeah pull my stubby little finger do you think do you think they had to use a tiny bible to fit his hand when he's got sworn in? Right. Yeah. He requests a smaller one. As he's like using like, you know, what is it? Travel size, toothpaste, travel size. He uses travel size everything. Yeah.

Yeah. A 10 year old said he killed a man when he was seven. This story is crazy. Leading deputies to close an unsolved murder from 2022. Texas authorities said investigators were called to the Nixon Smiley School about a boy who threatened to kill another student on the bus. The boy then told officials

that he shot and killed a man two years ago. He provided in detail information that was consistent with firsthand knowledge of the homicide of Brandon Raspberry. Raspberry? Okay, read the details of this seven-year-old's... On January 18th, 2022, 32-year-old Raspberry was found dead in his trailer at Lazy K RV Park in Nixon. That's a nice one.

With a gunshot wound to his head. Investigators exhausted the few leads, and his death remained unsolved. The boy told investigators he was visiting his grandfather, who lived a few lots away. He told them he took a pistol from the glove box of his grandfather's truck and entered Raspberry's RV, where he saw him sleeping in his bed the then seven-year-old fired the pistol striking him one time in the head before exiting the rv and returning the firearm to the glove box of the truck by the way the young boy is the great grandson of the great johnny cash

is that what it is remember that that song, I Hung My Head? Yeah, oh yeah. About the boy, he's sitting on a hillside with a rifle and he just shoots a guy for no reason. Do you know who wrote that song? Woody Guthrie? Sting. No.

Swear to God. No shit. It's so easy to make fun of Sting, but God damn it. He's talented. Yeah. He wrote a great Western, like, you know, Western story in that song. It's amazing. That is amazing. Yeah. Guns don't kill people. Seven-year-olds do Greg. That's right. That's right. I was waiting eagerly. This is not a joke. I honestly was waiting eagerly for the detail where the guy had molested the seven-year-old. Oh, no, I looked that up. I went down a rabbit hole on this story. I was obsessed.

And the guy had just moved into the trailer home like three days before. The kid said he'd never met him before. Your Honor, I was a child then. It was almost half a lifetime ago. He's 10 now i love when i step on your joke i cut you off to step on your whole premise before you get to the punch line why what do you mean what happened oh i thought you well the idea that he was molested when i just oh no no no no i was bringing that up. That wasn't a joke. No. Yeah. I mean, you know, I hate to say it. Video games, water pistols. It doesn't seem real to them. Maybe. Yeah.

Meanwhile, this poor guy was just doing what he moved there for. It's called the lazy K RV. You think he could nap in the middle of the day in peace without a seven-year-old shooting him in the head you're right um but this is what i do want to talk about so this guy is shot in the head a few doors down there's a truck with a gun in it and there's a gun owner down there and no forensics is done like in other words they're not looking locally there and i figured out it's texas so they probably checked his neighbor's guns but after four trailers they probably checked 35 guns and they stopped before getting a few doors down all right that's all i could figure out

yeah well they say that there are now two guns for every person in the United States of America. And in Texas, it's probably a dozen per person. And yeah, I mean, so many people have over a dozen. Yeah. Uh, but, uh,

what, uh, that's insane. I hadn't even shot a gun in my life until about a year ago. Oh yeah. Isn't that crazy? Oh, I've shot a lot of guns, i've never owned my family owned one

in carmel but that was later we were all did you ever shoot an animal other than birds you shot birds oh there's a story with jeff my stepbrother we had a bb gun we were doing like you know betting and target practice and all that type of stuff bottles and so we were and this is kind of in the in the country and so we then a bird landed this is oh it's terrible because it was near a bird feeder anyway bird landed and and jeff's like take out the bird and i'm like what and he was like take out the bird i'm like and i was like it's coming in for the feeder like this isn't like wild like we see one you know a long shot literally and figuratively in a tree so i i draw it you know i i get it i get it in the sights and uh he's and

i'm like uh and he goes wow then give it to me i'll do it i'm like like, fuck that. So I shoot it. Got it. And Jeff's like, you're disgusting. Did it die instantly? Oh, yeah. Walks back in the house. I'm like, what the fuck? Because we had BB guns. We had a.22. But then, you know, there was a shotgun at some point.

I went deer hunting once. But I was preoccupied the whole, maybe more than once, preoccupied the whole time with not getting shot by another hunter. Right. You know, you have all your orange gear, all of this stuff. And when you're out there, you realize you're desperate to see movement and to shoot a deer. Yeah, right, right. Hunters get shot all the time. My favorite teacher in an Ann Hutch grammar school

was killed in a hunting accident. No shit. Yeah. Dick Cheney? Laura still tears up about it. Yeah, Mr. Ruggiero. He was the best. Yep.

Jesus Christ. Was he tall? He was. No. Didn't even seem like a hunter. Nicest guy. Speaking of nice guys, let's go to entertainment.

You got it, pal. Where's the sheet? Where's the hot sheet? Yes. Some artists long to hang their works on the walls of a prestigious museum, though few take it into their own hands like one aspiring creative did this year. Details have just come to light about an art technician who installed one of his own works at the Pinnakothek de Modern Museum in Munich,

displaying his piece alongside art by big names such as Andy Warhol. The employee considers himself as an artist and most likely saw his role in the museum's installation team as a day job to support his true calling, a spokesperson for the museum said. This is to me the equivalent of a heckler trying to get laughs during a comedy show. It's just an amateur going, I can do this. Was his true calling to become a criminal? Is that what was happening?

Is that what he was building to? Yeah. But this is literally the definition of art. If they take this down, this museum is full of shit. Art is about challenging people's perception of what art actually is. I mean, most of it is nonsensical, obtuse, pretentious bullshit, and they should fucking leave it up as an installation. However, his piece was so bad that no lesbians threw paint on it, protesting climate change.

Yeah. Untouched. Yeah. The only one. That's how you know. Yeah. And the reason it stayed up so long, they don't detail this, is it wasn't noticed because he did an exact, his painting was an exact replica of an exit sign.

That doesn't seem ballsy to me. Yeah, I think Warhol's is an exit sign to me. When I see that, I go, all right, it's time to go. This is over. Banksy has done that, though, and other artists, I think, have. They've gone in and they've surreptitiously hung their own art. Yeah. And it has remained for long periods periods of time i believe yeah you

gonna stop a guy from playing his guitar outside of the wilbur theater in boston that's a good example let's go to florida man i love it just my day is easy when i look for a florida man story and this headline pops up florida man cracks open beer after allegedly firing gun near officers. Quote, I want to drink this beer. Is that cool? That's all you need. Do you need an article after that? The Port Orange Police Department said it received a call about a person being threatened with a firearm by a neighbor.

After officers arrived, they said Brett McPeak allegedly fired a gun near them and several neighbors who were outside at the time. Officers moved toward the sound of the gunshots and found mcpeak outside the front of his home with two beers in his hands maybe he should take a mcpeak whether or not there's people on the fucking porch next door to him body camera video shows an officer with his gun drawn talking to mcpeak do you have a firearm on you the officer asked no sir, McPeak replied. This beer is cold, sir.

I want to drink it. McPeak told the officer. Come check me. I want to drink this beer. Is that cool? I haven't done nothing wrong. Come check me. Hurry, it's getting warm.

This is Florida. A man can't sit on his porch, drink 16 beers, and shoot a gun towards his neighbors? What's next? You guys can't snort meth from the evidence drawer and frame black teenagers? This is Florida. Oh, my God.

Do you have a firearm on you? Well, I'm going to shotgun you. Shouldn't have said shotgun. Oh, my God. When he gets to court and the judge asks if he feels any remorse. Well, I wish I hadn't wasted ice on those beers. I'll tell you that. And I have learned my lesson next time.

Drink the beer first, then shoot at Clemmon Becky next door. I don't know, man. The florida man he's living his life what are we doing i'm worried about my health insurance this guy doesn't have health insurance i'm worried about brushing my teeth this guy never worries about that just live drink beer and shoot fuck it and this is exactly a perfect example of how i know i would never be a good cop because i'd be like i'd look like let's say you were my partner i'd be like let's let him finish the beer like like once once we had contained the situation he has no he's telling us the truth god he's calling us sir let him drink his cold beers he's not not going to have one for a while. Ain't no one called us, sir, since the pandemic. Yeah.

What about Texas, Mike? Let's make it Florida. Here we go. Florida? All right. We got North Texas man suing Cinemark over drink size. The class action lawsuit was filed on Wednesday by Shane Waldrop, who claims that Cinemark is selling drink containers that are labeled as 24 ounces,

but they only hold 22 ounces. Yeah, that old trick. Maybe he's squeezing it a little tight. The lawsuit was filed at the U.S. District Court and says the alleged claim amount. Sorry, the alleged claim amounts to, quote, deceptive and otherwise improper business practices. And this guy wants a trial by jury. Do we really need a jury? Isn't this pretty easy to figure out?

Let's measure it. How about that? Yeah. Meanwhile, no complaints that movies used to be like three and a half hours long now they're about an hour and 15 minutes how about that yeah also your honor the popcorn buckets are too big makes my pecker seem small when i pop a hole in the bottom what was that porkies what movie was that well they just did a famous yeah the popcorn trick wait what movie was that was it i don't know porkies had another hole which a really yeah

no then it wasn't porkies it was uh oh oh my god wait a. Was it in the really good movie in Baltimore? The bachelor party or no, the one about where the guy's getting married and he was way fast to answer sports trivia. Yeah. Yeah. And all the albums, his organization of albums. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What is that? Paul Reiser. Paul Reiser was in it. Diner.

Yeah. I think it was in diner. Yeah. Yeah. Diner's a pretty good one. So this guy wants all 24 ounces. So he lodged his complaint, and then on the way out of the courthouse, he got lodged in a narrow doorway.

Alright. No, sorry. I was looking at Diner, because I remember I think it might have been Barry Levinson's first movie, but anyway, Barry Levinson was the director of that. Great movie. It's one of those ones I got to put on the list of movies to show my kids because they just, they're not in the zeitgeist of young people. Right.

Yeah. All right, here we go. We're moving on. We're moving on. We're moving on. Sports. So sports don't really have a story here, except I hadn't watched this documentary on the Patriots. First of all, I hate the Patriots,

but I'm working on this Tom Brady roast. And a lot of the people that I'm now talking, like I'm having conversations. Oh, I can't mention names, but with teammates of his. And and so it helps to know. So anyway, I finally started. It's called Dynasty. It's on Apple TV. I can't recommend this enough.

And just remember my context here. I delayed it. I didn't even start watching it when I was working on this. I didn't even start watching it till after I zoomed with Tom Brady the other week. Like, and so I was reluctant going in and it's, um, imagine entertainment. So it's Ron Howard and, uh, and his partner, his name again, Glazer. Yeah. Ron, Ron Glazer. And they know how to tell a story, man true murder documentary. They take a deep dive on Aaron Hernandez. No shit. No, it's everyone tells me it hasn't even started. All right, I'm in. I'm in. But the lead to their first Super Bowl and what goes on with Drew Bledsoe, which I really didn't know that all I knew the broad strokes. I did not know like what a solid human being that guy was. And yeah, he was so beloved.

He was so beloved. Bill Burrow. He talks about him. He was, but basically he got injured and Brady stepped up. Right. Oh yeah, absolutely. And then the Superbowl. And then he was fine to play.

He came back and they're like, uh, nope. We're sticking with Tom. Right. Who wasn't really shining at, kind of at all. Well, don't forget, he didn't really shine at Michigan. He didn't even start

for the first couple years or three years at Michigan, I think. Right. So I don't know how- Oh, he went 199th in the draft. Right. And it was sort of an afterthought. Yeah. Huh. Interesting. All right was sort of an afterthought. Yeah.

Huh. Interesting. All right. I'm all over that. I need a new show. Oh, no, no. I need a new show. Wait, hold on.

Watch it with Aaron. It doesn't matter at all if you are interested in sports. Okay. This is, it's drama. It's just like watching the Patriots. It doesn't matter if you're interested in sports this is it's drama it's just like watching the patriots doesn't matter if you're interested in sports cheating which they'll get into let's get to international okay All right. Mexican kingpin Joaquin Arcavaldo El Chapo Guzman, Liara. El Chapo.

Had his request for phone calls and visits with his young daughters denied by a federal judge. The court has had previously authorized two telephone calls per month. Can I get that? He said he hasn't had calls with his daughters for seven months and lawyers have decided to,

quote, have decided to punish me by not letting me talk to my daughters. Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of how prison works. You get punished. You kill hundreds of people and then you don't get to talk on the phone whenever you want.

I know it hurts and it seems unfair, Chapo. Talk to the families of the people that you fucking gave Colombian neckties to, you animal. He asked the judge to let his wife, Emma Kernel, her middle name is Kernel, Iaspora visit,

Kernel, a former beauty queen. By the way, I looked up pictures of her, not sure who was running that contest. Uh, and she's a dual us Mexico citizen. He, she was sentenced to 36 months,

uh, for helping run his multimillion dollar drug cartel. What the fuck? 33 years. That's it. She probably coughed him up yeah i bet that's what it is yeah uh maybe they can have this guy bunk with the boston marathon bomber yeah or all of a sudden it's like uh what is a 10 year old doing in my jail cell oh he killed the guy who was sleeping

why don't we just call this i'd sleep with one eye open el chap sleeping why don't we just call this sleep with one eye open el chapo why don't we call this podcast the the crime blotter it's that's all it is just people going to jail the florida man's going to jail yeah yeah of course what's news man you think good news is news if they really want to punish this guy, they should give that wife, Colonel, give her an eight ball of Coke, have her snort it, and then lock him in a prison cell with her

while she talks for 90 minutes straight. In Spanish, by the way. It's so crazy. Not easy on the ears either. When I was in mexico which by the way uh it is such a beautiful country but i was blown away my owen and all of his friends because a lot of them some are from spanish-speaking homes and some of them went through that whole spanish uh dual immersion program in santa monica schools all of them fluent in Spanish. And we would go to a restaurant and the waiter would take the order and they would each order in Spanish.

And it was back and forth questions, conversation, and just fluent. I was so fucking blown away by it. It was so cool. And then you're like burrito, please. Yeah, I know. I was pretty embarrassed. I don't speak any Spanish. You should be more ashamed than I, but it's pretty damn close. I mean, I took high school Spanish. You know, when I'm, when I'm in, like, you know, I did a job in Mexico. So I was there for, I think it was like three, maybe it was two straight weeks. And, uh, even by the second week, I am, I'm throwing my Spanglish around. You know what I'm saying?

Really? Oh, I'm trying. You know, like at least I've learned the words that I use the most. You know, as you know, my rule is the first word I learn no matter what country I go to is sorry. Scusi. Scusi is the best word ever. It's almost the only word I need in Italy. Scusi is is like can i get

your attention scusi sorry scusi is everything i think that people that have listened to this podcast for a while are gonna have no trouble believing that we would go to another country where we don't speak the language and just do it anyway. Just fucking wing it. Like when I go to Montreal, I studied French all through high school and in college and I can't speak for shit, but I go to Montreal and I, I talk to everybody.

I actually find it easier to speak with, uh, Quebec French than people in France. Interesting. That's because your French is so fucked. It's fucked, and people in France don't want to talk to an American. You try to talk French, and they immediately answer you in English, which is just like saying, fuck you.

I think the guy from the Palisades, friend of mine, couldn't be a whiter guy ever from here, born here, and he speaks a little bit of French from high school, but he, and you could tell he's like, as you'd imagine, I have the worst accent ever. And it's, it's, it's abysmal. He goes over there with a mom in our school. Who's from Montreal. When they would both try to speak, like if they were in a bakery or a market or whatever,

they detested her more than him really yeah and then he's and then when I've told that to French people they're like oh yeah oh no like at least he has an excuse the Canadian French accent is abhorrent to them

no I heard a guy there's a new French movie that's out that's actually supposed to be pretty good it's like a spy thriller but on npr they were doing a review and the movie reviewer said that uh the that the that it's quebec french and he said it's so appalling to me i can't even review this movie it's all pigeon it's it's really uh yeah it's very unpleasant to listen to. It's so weird because we have so many incredible, I mean, listen, we lived in Boston and, you know, there's New Orleans, there's the Southern accent, there's Minnesota. We have so many and to like get bothered, like truly bothered is so weird to me. Bothered, like truly bothered, is so weird to me. And of course, never mind any foreign speaking person who's trying to speak English here in America.

Everybody is charmed by it. All right. Top two. All right. Top favorite foreign accent. Least favorite foreign accent. Favorite domestic accent. Least favorite domestic accent. Favorite domestic accent. Least favorite domestic accent.

Oh, well, I love Kazakhstan. My wife. My sister, she's number one prostitute in all of Kazakhstan. I love so many foreign accents. Are you kidding me? Listen, as much as we're pounding on them in this story, I love French accents. I love Spanish accents. I don't really know what a Portuguese accent.

I imagine it's similar. I mean, Italian. Are you kidding me? Italian is probably my favorite. I think Italian takes it for me. But the two wild and crazy Czech brothers, you know, like that accent is amazing. They're all great, honestly.

All right, least favorite foreign accent. It's so dominated by my least foreign domestic accent that I'm just going to, for both of them, I'm going to say Philadelphia. Fuck them. Yeah, no, I think Pittsburgh's worse than, Baltimore is worse than Philadelphia. I think Philadelphia is the ugliest. I don't understand it. And obviously I could read on it because I've read a lot, you know, in uh confederacy of dunces they talked about the new england accent and how similar it is down in new orleans you know with the oh it is yeah

right right right but then also i've even read a lot of ink has been spilled on like the southern accent and how british that actually is like it's it's, it's fat. It's very fascinating. Haven't read a fucking thing about what happened to Philly. Well, listen, let's, uh, we're going to get some letters about that, but let's read some past letters right now.

Letters to the editor. E dub, not, not Dennis Gubbins, which is G dub, which is Gubbins, which is G-dub, which is G-gub. This is E-dub. Says, always love your show and will definitely watch any episode you're on. Corolla, Harland, et cetera.

Just wish you and Gibbons could do an in-studio show regularly together. This epidemic called, it wants its whole Zoom-style meeting interview shitcast back. I'll take my answer off the air. You don't need to respond to all us douches. No, I want to respond to this because honestly,

I think it's time, Mike. I think it's time we go to my brand new green screen studio, come up with a really cool look and take this fucking thing international. You're not even listening. What's international mean? I don't know.

I want to go big. I want this podcast to go big. You want me to drive to Robertson Boulevard to do this podcast? That's right. I'm not sure about that many things. I'm pretty certain that's never going to happen. I got my bunker. What do you mean? The other thing we could do is go to my old office. I still have the keys and it's going to be around until October. The lights are still on there?

Lights are still on. Internet's still working. We could go in there and film it. Let's do it in a convertible and then email St. Louis all week about how they're going to clean up the audio from the wind noise. The airplanes landing across the street. Yeah.

Adam says, Please, for the love of all that is good, never let Mike read a horoscope or speak about astrology ever again. I don't need to explain why. I think it's understood. Appreciate it. Adam.

We're Aries, man. We're in our moment right now. Fire sign. Fire sign. We're on the cusp, I guess, today. We're on the cusp. I think we're on the cusp i think we were on the cusp of losing two-thirds of our audience when you started going i mean you didn't gloss over it you went fucking deep into the astrological side i didn't write it yeah but you didn't have to

read the whole chapter oh yeah listen that was a show we were recording two weeks in advance you're trying to kill time no i wanted something that stands the test of time that is just truth down to its core yeah i read a i read a funny it's probably the oldest oldest joke in the book but i read this thing like if astrology is not accurate then how come all Aries are born around the same time? Brian G says, just wanted to take a minute to point out that Mike pumped the stocks, XLE, ET, and PAA after what was probably the last trading day before you recorded, March 28th. All three went through the roof for a couple of days, then immediately started to collapse. The last trading before the podcast

was released where he gave out the picks. If Mike was smart enough to dump his position that week, he might've made some killer money. If not, the pick went out and we could all see that the floor was dropping out of these busts. I find it likely that Mike was the only one who lost money on that hot tip. Yeah, I don't think anybody listens to your tips anymore. I know. Most people would accuse me of a pump and dump. I'm the opposite. Other people will make money on it and dump it, and I'll be left holding the empty bag.

I will say that, no, no, I don't understand these stocks. D-back. I will say that, no, no, I don't understand these stocks. The guy who told me who knows so much about this, which doesn't mean he's going to, he won't, you know, can avoid losers, but he's like, so when it started dropping, I'm like, Hey, wait a minute, pal. Cause he's always talking about the P and E ratios and how this is unsustainable. And the market is so inflated right now that it's, it's like so overdue for a correction like an accurate correction so and he loves these so i'm like hey does this just move in lockstep with the market because then the market started to go down where this guy's talking and these went down and he goes no no i love them anyway what i will tell you is yesterday they went up 1.2%, 1.55% and 1.41% just in a day.

And I think that's because Israel started bombing Iran. They'll do very well, I'm told, if shit goes south in the Mideast. That's not why I bought them, by the way. But I'm told they will do very well if there's goes south in the Mideast, that's not why I bought them, by the way, but I'm told they will do very well if there's a disruption in the supply. All right, well, I don't know if you mentioned that, but maybe let's hope that the world goes to shit, but then some people make a couple of bucks on a stock.

Yeah. Koozies. Koozies. Let's talk about the kooziesies i don't even know if it's merch it's a section merchandise is this the classifieds we don't have coffee mugs anymore we don't have what else have we sold was it just coffee mugs and uh i got a couple coffee mugs up there on the shelf yeah we should sign those. No koozies. Listen, I think there's a handful. We could always order more, but

this is why we're bringing it up. Let me know. There's a guy in Canada. We don't know how to get it to Canada. I just going to be honest with you. I don't think it's worth it. We can tell you maybe you could order one from the website we got him from, but

I guess we could send it to canada and now we're not doing canada we should have announced that we did it we're not doing canada it costs like 12 to send a a ten dollar koozie it's also pretty cool up there most of the year you don't need a koozie yeah unless you're in florida if you're shooting guns off on your porch in florida we will send you koozies because we know you like to keep it cold down there. But a couple of people were, so someone out last week, a couple of people, listen, they could shoot up in the mail, but that means I send you another one. So just, I don't want to leave anyone having paid us and not received it.

Speaking of getting paid, when am I getting the money for the koozies? Oh yes, that. I don't know how Venmo works. Should I say this out loud? I plan on not letting anybody else in. I'm just going to word it that way. I'm not going to let anybody else in on our cut, Greg. I don't know. Using Venmo, is that doable? Is that people I think know what I'm referring to? Can I cut out any of the people with their hands out? Why don't you just mail me a check the way I just mailed you a check for all of our advertising yesterday? Well, no. Yours is very official.

And you tell other people about that check. Oh, I see. Well, give me cash. Just give me some fucking cash. Cursing's not necessary. A little intense. Here we go, I see. Well, give me cash. Just give me some fucking cash. Cursing's not necessary. A little intense. Here we go, Obits. Obits.

And that's all, folks. But it's sitting there. It's sitting there. Maybe. Dickie Betts, people, listeners of the podcast know that Allman Brothers uh hold a special place in my heart and so Dickie Betts American guitarist singer songwriter and composer he's best known as a founding member of the Allman Brothers band early in his career he collaborated with Dwayne Allman introducing melodic twin guitar harmony and counterpoint, which, quote, rewrote the rules of how two rock guitarists

can work together, completely scrapping the traditional rhythm lead roles to stand toe to toe. Following Allman's death in 71, Dwayne Allman's death in 71, Betts assumed sole lead guitar duties during the peak of the group's commercial success in the mid-70s. Betts was the writer and singer on the Allman's hit single Ramblin' Man. He also gained renown for composing instrumentals, with one appearing on most of the group's albums, including In Memory of Elizabeth Reed and Jessica. I mean, he's on Blue Sky. Anyway, Dwayne also collaborated.

I grabbed this quote because I thought it was interesting. It was about Dwayne Allman. That's sort of my hero in the whole equation. But Dwayne also collaborated with Eric Clapton. On Layla. Yeah. But Dwayne said, I'm the famous guitar player, but Dickie's the good one. Wow. Yeah. And, uh, but Dwayne said, I'm the famous guitar player, but Dickie's the good one. Wow. Yeah. So anyway, and after Dwayne died, that's really when he stepped up and, um,

and they really found, uh, you know, this new direction with, uh, with bets. And so anyway, he's great. He's great. And and i mean it really is like watching him he was a picker i mean that guy it's phenomenal how many notes that guy can play without fucking up it's just like you know watching any great guitar player but especially him because it's it's standard blues guitar and he and a lot of the progressions are blues progressions but then he just he just fucking keeps going with the just just such just clear perfect fucking notes yep and the pressure was on when duane when duane died and uh so very very soon after he wrote jessica it was about his daughter and it was an attempt to write a song that could be played with just two fingers in honor of gypsy jazz guitarist Django Reinhardt, who played who played with two left fingers due to severe burns.

Betts crafted the main melody of the song, but became frustrated with it. Anyway, they talk about the process of writing Jessica. But I mean, listen, just do yourself a favor today put i mean just go to eat a peach man and just listen to that album listen to one way one way out i played so loudly it was absolutely pinned to the top went to 11 in my car this week and to hear those those two guitars, it's like, I know I'm overstating this, but it's like that scene from Shawshank when he's hearing the two voices and he's just like, I don't even know what's, it was just so beautiful. And you hear these two guitars and the build of the,

and so many of these Allman Brothers songs, you're like, you hear this build and you hear them like coming in and out but it's these two like animals just waiting to start howling and it's this it's the most incredible energy it really they were like the original jam band i mean the grateful dead and the allman brothers were the first two bands to really take blues and jazz and do live shows that were different every time that had guitar players feeding off of each other and um and eat a peach by the way it's such an incredible album that was not finished i think didn't duane allman die while they were recording eat a peach and that's why

like yeah i think that's why half the songs are live tracks because they they filled in the songs they hadn't gotten around to recording yet but it's just you know and and and duane had just all of a sudden hold up like he does like you know he got slide based on guitar greg gave him in los angeles with uh taj mahal and he became obsessed with slide and then just just with crazy focus and then another thing that was happening at that time was he found coltrane all right and that changed everything and so then dickie and uh and duane were they were emulating and just aspiring to be as good as these jazz greats and the way they would trade off riffs and follow each other so anyway enough said but said, but Dickie was great. There's only one remaining Allman from the founding group

and I'm forgetting. I'm just spacing on his name. But anyway, what a chapter that's closing there. Yeah. Well, let's cheer up. You got it. Funnies. Okay, so this guy, G-Dub, same guy.

He's writing a lot lately. Oh, no, is that different? Oh, this is G-Dub. The other guy was named E- I think they're all Gubbins. No, the other guy was E-Dub. And now this guy is G-Dub. Huh, can't wait to H-Dub. He says, okay, you guys have been driving me crazy for years on Sunday paper.

So do this one quick exercise, please. All right, let's do it. Pronounce the name Sammy Hagar. Say it again. Sammy Hagar. Sammy Hagar. Now just say the last name, Hagar. Now say the horrible.

The horrible Hager. Hager the horrible. Isn't that how it goes? It doesn't work. This doesn't work. All right, so we get to him. He is standing outside a castle. There's a woman with very long yellow hair,

and Hager is bent forward. Rapunzel. Bowing. She goes, how can I ever repay you for rescuing me from the tower? And Hagar says, funny you should ask, Rapunzel. And then he wraps her hair around her neck and the entire army has their way with her. Oh, wait. No, that's what would happen in real life.

What really happened is she then climbed back up and all the troops climbed up her hair to rob the, uh, the castle and steal the queen. They all climbed up and mounted her. I think is what I'm seeing in the drawing. I mean, look, it's medieval times. Uh, speaking of medieval times,

the lock horns are in their living room. He's watching TV and pointing. She's got her arms crossed. She is cross standing right over his shoulder. And, uh, he says, this could be disastrous. They've given a hurricane your mother's name. They're jokes.

It's fucking great. The next one, I always like to have point counterpoint. I always like to get one where she's slamming him. He's getting up off the couch he looks like he's struggling and she goes liftoff we have liftoff all right someone uh by the way I'm you know I'm a man of the people and uh very in touch with the YouTube listeners and I'm hearing a lot the people and very in touch with the YouTube listeners. And I'm hearing a lot about Calvin and Hobbes. And I need to be schooled on it, apparently.

Well, John Bohan wrote this. I'm not sure who's telling you to read Calvin and Hobbes because it's hilarious. That's not why you read it. You should read it because it's both poignant and timeless. It's heartfelt and incredibly subversive bill watterson changed the entire medium of the daily comic and he never once licensed the material fool what does that mean in other words that little boy you see pissing is a knockoff so he's not making any money off of the little calvin pissing thing why don't you make fun of bc or the lazy fuck beetle bailey we used to we used to make fun of uh beetle bailey because of i think the theme

on that was they were don't ask don't tell and that they were both obviously gay oh oh you know, stick to the low hanging fruit. Wow. Oh, well, here we go. So what I've decided to do, and people have a lot of problems with this, is I found an article that said the 15 funniest Calvin and Hobbes. I have to, and I've already admitted this. I barely knew which one was which. I don't know the conceit. Someone even said, Mike probably doesn't know the conceit. And I said, I'm guessing it's like that this is an imaginary friend, kind of like the Toy Story thing, like that they come to life when Calvin gets home, right?

Yeah. Do you know anything about it? I believe that's exactly what it is. Yeah. Sort of like my girlfriend. I think it's one of those scenarios. It's an old structure that's used. Wait a minute.

Is this the best 15 or the funniest 15? Oh, Calvin and Hobbes. I have it here. Calvin and Hobbes. 15 best Calvin and Hobbes comic strips of all time. You just said funniest. This guy's saying best. Solid point, all time. Okay, so best. I'm not saying funny. You just said funniest. This guy's saying best. Solid point, I think. Okay, here we go. Let me make this a little bigger.

All right, so first picture, the two of them are walking together. And Calvin's like, if you could wish for anything, what would it be? And Hobbes goes, a big sunny field to be in. And then Calvin seems very upset and he's like a stupid field. You've got that now. Think big riches, power, pretend you could have anything. And then Hobbes is now like kind of rubbing his back on the ground, like little dogs and cats do. And, and he's like, um, actually, and Hobbes says this,

actually it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy. Oh no, sorry. Calvin is saying this looking at him. Actually, it's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy. And you see a little Z there, like he's maybe napping and dozing in the grass. Yeah. So, yeah, genius. Oh, boy, am I pissing people off now?

No, no. Listen, I'm going to be open to this i like our listeners too many of them are saying there's poignant things about this as you can see none listen if someone said hey here's the five best far sides i'd be furious probably with all five saying no that one needed context there's a funnier one than that. That was one in a series. Like, I get it. I do get it. But this one, I don't get.

It's very sweet, but if that's the top 15, I don't know. I think it's cumulative. I think if you read it every day, you start to develop an affection for these two characters. And it is like peanuts. Peanuts are not always laugh out loud funny.

Sometimes they're just, yeah, they're poignant and they're sweet. And I've always enjoyed them for that reason. Calvin and Hobbes, not as much. But you know what? It got my kids into reading. It was the first thing my kids read. It was the first time they picked up a book and read. So I owe them that.

And as far as pointing, I mean, I guess this is kind of like that, you know, American businessman or whatever. It's probably an older story than that. And the fisherman, you know, like why don't you get more boats? Why don't you grow your business? And he's like, why? Because then you could just relax. And he's like, I'm already

doing that. Yep. You know who else is relaxing? Aristotle probably had an example of that. What? You know, who else is relaxing? Fucking dummy, dummy Dagwood. He's, he's late. He's got this chair with an Ottoman. You got to earn an Ottoman Dagwood. You don't show up as a low level manager, disappoint your boss and then come home and tell your wife you didn't get a raise again and then think you deserve a fucking ottoman

you deserve if lucky an upholstered chair so he's like he's sitting back hands in his pocket in the chair watching tv i really need to get more exercise. And she goes, I'm glad you mentioned that. There's something I've been putting off for way too long. And in the final frame, he's carrying a desk down the stairs. And she goes, I really need to decide where that looks best. All right, here's the thing, Dagwood. You want to burn some calories? How about the hot blonde who's three feet to your left reading a newspaper?

How about a curvaceous? Her core is tight. Her body, she is a piece of exercise equipment. You could be sweating, pounding. That's your exercise. Yeah, put her on the table. Yeah. Put her up on the table. Didn't you see postman always drinks twice

could we ask ai the tell ai uh here's dagwood and blondie are sitting at home dagwood's complaining about his work blondie's reading the paper. And then Hagar, the horrible, busts in and has his way with Blondie. Yeah. In front of and cucks. Does AI know what to do with the word cucks, Dagwood? I bet they could do it. I think then Helga, Hagar's wife. AI identifies as they.

Hagar's wife, Helga, then comes in and sits on Dagwood's face. I like that. Giving him all kinds of medieval gonorrhea. Yeah. And then everyone has sex with Calvin. Wade, no. No. Come on.

Beloved. Now we're definitely off the algorithm. Beloved. Beloved Calvin. Our algorithm're definitely off the algorithm. Beloved. Beloved Calvin. Our algorithm is so fucked. Listen, take the guesswork out of buying tickets with GameTime. Yes. Download the app.

Use code PAPERS to get $20 off your first purchase. Sure, sure. We also want to thank Midcoast Media, Chris Denman, for hanging out with us today. I think he's still hanging out with us. I haven't heard from him in a minute. How's your blinking recorder? I remember it has blinked in the past. It has now, yeah, it's still blinking, still blinking. Do not lose this Zoom recording. That might be your only audio.

Yes. Okay. All right. Thank you guys for listening and look forward to the roast. It's recording on May 5th. may oh it's not for a while but yeah if you want tickets to see it live you can get them at uh jeffross.com game time i don't know how you get them but go find it it's a 15 000 seat theater i'm sure there's some seats left theater yes it's an arena man the man in the arena yeah watch dynasty you'll thank me i hate the patriots and i'm loving it okay all right everybody take it each take it each yeah read all about it read all about it read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it.

Sunday papers. Sunday papers. Got it.