Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 218 6/2/24

Episode Date: June 2, 2024

A Christian lifeguard is suing for being made to work near a gay flag, J-Lo and Ben AF are on the rocks, a FLA Couple gets nasty on the pier and we say goodbye to the great Bill Walton.

I'm gonna fix the focus on my site and watch the Sunday papers. Sunday papers. Sunday papers. Three, two, one. Read all about it! Read all about it. New York Times, New York Post Company. I'm in New York City, baby. I am currently sitting in my mother-in-law's apartment on the Upper West Side.

Good morning, everybody. Good morning. Look at you with your golf shirt. Did you play golf today? Yeah. Look, this is my $11 shirt from a dead guy and it's unbelievable look how golfy it is it says florida state golf association 19 8 13 19 13 might be 1918 i think it's 1918 so we know it wasn't owned by a black guy.

I think it's safe bet, but you know, we don't know for sure. Yeah. I don't, I mean, I don't know. Is it racist to say a black guy would have too much style to wear this type of shirt? I think a black guy, there'd be some brighter colors. That's a very muted golf shirt. Well, now it did get racist. I think I did play golf. did play golf get this i uh this is how pathetic my life is now i went from like you know not a great mood and you know whatever uh and then because i played well i'm in a great mood what'd you shoot two over par but it's because i blew it and i got an arrogant murph nice i made a lot of money today nice that's exciting now i'm telling you golf can turn around my mood it can ruin my mood right that's what i mean it's pathetic yeah yeah and before anyone goes it's our little nine hole penmar shooting two over par is not as impressive as a

normal golf boast no but it is it's not an easy course i think we we score well because we play it so often we know what to hit from what spot and all we know how to read the greens there's no reading the greens that's why it's an easy course. When I go, I three putt everywhere else. That's a real, real green. All right. Less golf talk more. We're going to talk about, uh, apparently I do it. I just got this on my feed. Apparently the ex president, uh, is a felon now. Right. Uh, I don't know. Can he vote? I don't know about that, but he can be president. He is asking people to come out and vote on Election Day because he cannot in Florida vote for himself. All right. That's going to be our lead story. Are we saving it?

Let's save that. Let's save it. It's going to be our lead story. All right. In the meantime, let's talk about I'm in New York City. In the meantime, let's talk about, um, I'm in New York city. I had a blast, ran around, did sets at the comedy cellar and the comedy underground and the fat black pussy cat and, and, uh, Stan, uh, New York comedy club. It's just so much fun. Look, I love the store and I love doing spots in LA, but New York is a whole different level.

That's amazing. I miss it. I mean, you go on and then you hang out till, you know, 1am and you watch a tell go up and he's up there, you know, it's summer, it's warm here. And the guys were in black jeans, black combat boots, a hoodie, a black jacket, a skull cap with a another hat on top of it and then he's like halfway through set and like one of those like amber alerts goes off on his phone and he's like oh gotta head back to the capital i know sometimes he looks like a smurf you know like with his outfits which he's been wearing forever he does especially with a pointy hat uh how was he a god his he was great his special was great he's he's got this bit about miss universe which i i don't want to blow his material i just

say like his new stuff is amazing. He's coming out with a vengeance. And then, you know, hanging out afterwards, like just like hanging out outside the club and he takes pictures with everybody. And then you got to go on all his little stops. Like he's got to stop in this place to get his cigarettes. And then you go to this market

so he can buy a fucking quart of milk. It's like, what are you? You live alone you're you're a chain smoking not yet when does the milk come into play yeah that's no that is really funny and also people are always so surprised at how nice he is you know when they when they see his material and stuff oh my god he's the nicest guy saw a bunch of new car i mean god damn new york just keeps cranking out good comics as these young kids this one kid named jordan fisher kind of blew me away his writing was really great um but a bunch of new blood bunch of new blood oh it's great yeah it was it was really fun and uh and i felt like such a tourist because i pull up

to my hotel i'm staying in the bowery where um you know it was always a lot of bums including my uncle who lived in a welfare motel in the bowery for 50 years and was an alcoholic but like those bums are still there but now they're on meth but then you've got these little i was in this little boutique hotel where the the entire room is the size of a bathroom it's tiny um but super expensive and then you step outside and you're immediately putting your head down and walking as fast as you can the neighborhood is so bad i uh similarly i stayed in the ludlow hotel or ludlow street hotel whatever it's called or maybe it's just called the ludlow but i mean thinking back to when you know uh re what was what was the comedy club down there uh largo or luna luna yeah luna wow what a little brain fart

i said rebar isn't rebar where it started in Midtown? Yeah, no, Rebar was up on Lafayette. Lafayette. Oh, I thought it was further up. Anyway, and I mean, it was such a dank, like almost abandoned block back then. And now there's this incredibly fancy boutique incredibly, you know, incredibly fancy boutique hotel. Oh, no, it was completely abandoned. And you didn't walk anywhere near Tompkins Square Park.

Now you got like kids, you know, riding their bikes for the first time. It's it's unbelievable. But I mean, look, it's still New York City. I'm sure I would get sick of it. But every time I come here, I am on such a high. Michael O'Brien came in from New Jersey to meet me for lunch. Oh, that's great. We went to Keene's Chop House. You ever been there? Yeah, no, that used to be like my place because that was right near HBO.

Oh my God, it's so amazing. It's built in 1890 and it's got 50,000 clay pipes hanging from the ceiling. And then they've got all these celebrity pipes. Like they've got Mickey Mantle's pipe, Babe Ruth's pipe, Teddy Roosevelt, Einstein. Like they literally used to keep their pipes there and they would, it was like a club. And then they would come in and, and there's like all these rooms on different levels and low ceilings and it's like this dark oak and uh and and you get a mutton chop that's the specialty they're a big fat mutton chop i wonder if teddy roosevelt ate there oh of course he did no because much because it's much... Roosevelt. Roosevelt. Nice.

No, I love that place. Wait, are you saying because I said Roosevelt wrong? I don't say Roosevelt. Do you say... Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm just telling you what I said. How do you say M-I-L-K, which I just said a bunch of times? Milk? Yeah, I said milk. People give a shit about that, too.

Oh, man. But imagine moving. Imagine if they had to, like, change, like, in the pandemic or whatever, and the moving company figures out there's 50,000 pipes. Like, okay. Yeah, not just the pipes, but then there's like framed pictures there's about 60 framed pictures in every wall like hand drawings of you know ed koch and like everybody through the history of new york is up on the wall um it's such an experience if anybody goes to new york go to keen's for lunch or dinner oh so i felt like a tourist because uh i get to the hotel and then i open up the door of my uber

and his bike goes smashing into my door what yeah and i was like i was like fuck it actually wasn't that bad he wasn't going that fast but he kind of got knocked down and I apologized to him, but it wasn't a bike lane. It wasn't a bike lane. So kind of on him. If you see an SUV pull over, look for a door to be opening. Right. Oh no. Remember we'd be, we had to be on guard constantly rollerblading all over the city. Like that's on you for sure. so what happened to the damage in the car it wasn't bad but i poured uh part of my coffee on my i have this track suit that i wear when i travel it's a green adidas sweatpants with a with a top and i'm very dreadful and so uh but i'm very precious about it so i dump the coffee on lap. I go to my room and then I put it in the sink and I'm squirting the soap onto

it and rinsing it out. And then I, I see it the next day and it's dry, but now there's like a stain all over the pants. And I realized that pump, which is the only pump next to the sink is lotion. And the soap was this little tiny bar, which was on the other side of the counter so i

rubbed lotion all of my pants are ruined all right did you get charged that's what i'm getting at for damaging the car no it wasn't that bad it wasn't bad oh so the driver was just like it's cool yeah wow all right yeah this is a weak ass cyclist, man. How? Yeah. Libby's graduation from high school was yesterday, which was Thursday. Today's Friday. And it was a well done graduation. And then, of course, in walk Gwyneth and and Blythe, her mom and your buddy, Chris Martin. They came to see Moses graduate and, um, it was good. And, you know, whenever they get to certain names, you know, you scream and Olivia had a lot, we,

we showed up in force, Laura and George were there. It was great. And so your mom there. Yup. No, she then went to dinner after, uh, at Liz's. And so, which was really great. So anyway, but this is what I'll tell you. If you have a name like Domingo, it's going to get loud when the kid gets the diploma. And it's beautiful, and it's so American in the best way possible. But man, are they excited about this graduation. I loved it. Not as excited as when the kid got in four years ago you're like wait a minute do they know that i'm mexican hopefully

and oh man i i don't even know how that school with what they charge i have no idea i think everyone's just screaming because it's over yeah uh well that's great we should guys go to dinner afterwards liz hosted at my ex-wife hosted at her house and it was really nice my mom up there and uh laura and george we saw jill who you know was my mother-in-law right yeah and it just went really well it was it was it was great so was uh your woman in town? No, not in town. But Sophie came in a day early and surprised Olivia. So that was great. Oh, nice.

That's amazing. Is she done for this break? Done. Back from Amsterdam, done. So what did you lie about when she was coming back so it would be a surprise? No, she had booked it in advance. And I think we had thought graduation was what it,

what it, no, but it's like, as soon as she could get out of Amsterdam, uh, once the semester was over. So that was the date everyone had in mind, which was the 30th and,

or the 31st, whatever the 31st. So she moved it and the flight didn't cost anything extra and Olivia had no idea and everyone else knew the surprise. Who gave the commencement speech? Her, well, there was a bunch of speakers and then there was three musical performances, but it wasn't that long.

They kept it pretty tight. But her history teacher, who I liked a lot, like when I did the parent tour and we would take their class for 20 minutes i really liked him but anyway he gave a great speech very seemingly flying in the face of crossroads saying like basically that that his style he appreciates their patience because sometimes it's a little hard to hear the truth rather than just being praised. And rather than like being just the emphasis on being encouraged versus hearing sometimes the truth or that you haven't done that well. And so he, you know, he was he was very good and like a little, I guess you'd say old school in that way.

Nice. Yeah. Not, not telling people what they want to hear, but being, it'll serve you well to be more truthful. Did you see my next door neighbor Oak graduate? Oak was all over it, man. Oak came up and spoke twice. Yeah.

He's kind of a stud. He's a big deal. Yeah. He did a little banter. Like it was a talk show and he had his joke all loaded, but you could see it from a mile away. But he was like, they went up with the co-president. He was president of the student body or the senior class. Went up with the co-president. He was like, oh man, like I'm so nervous to be here. I'm like, oh my God, is this an award show? And she's like, oh, I don't think so nervous to be here i'm like oh my god is this an award show and she's like oh i

don't think you have to be that nervous i'm just afraid we're gonna get on the elon musk's twitter feed because elon hates crossroads where his trans daughter went and um and so that's hilarious public about hating crossroads. That's good. That's good. Jack Black went to Crossroads. Oh, yeah. And I think Gwyneth did as well. And a ton of people did.

Well, listen, we want to give a shout out to Jane S., who is a big artistic contributor to the show. She did the logo this week, the Got Sunday Papers. If we have any young listeners, maybe they don't know that ad, but that's a nice one. Yeah. Lawrence Tarpey did this week's song. Excellent song. Thank you so much. We just got a bunch of new ones in.

Thank you guys for that. Oh, excellent. Thank you, Jane and L. Tarpey. And then, of course, we got corrections. All right, here comes the paper. It's a section, man. All right. I'm making it a section because it's so meaty.

All right, Allison says, hey, Greg, always love the pod. My biggest and only grievance is that you and Mike, mostly Mike, say online instead of in line. I realize it's probably a geographic thing that I'm assuming you picked up in California. I'm in Rhode Island. So anyway. On Rhode Island? Aren't you on an island? Go ahead.

Never mind. Right. Too bad it's not an island. Mike brought up inline online. As an example, you agreed the correct way is inline. So either you're both self-correct. I don't know. It's online.

You know what? I use both, I realize, because I read this correction before we started, and she's right. And because I think, like, if I'm standing, like, I'm going to go get online. I'm going to go get on that line. I i'm gonna go get online i'm gonna go get on that line i'm gonna go get online what about those people that say queued up even though they're american like greg proofs is like that i love greg proofs but he performs in england a lot and he always comes home with a couple little british isms that he peppers in yeah Yeah. He always, you know, I was wondering if he, the first times I'd see him in Largo, like, yeah, like the way he enunciates, uh, I, I was wondering if he was like raised in England.

Yeah. He's very, he likes that. He's got a very deep vocabulary and he has a very, almost Irish way of, of talk. I got to get him back on the podcast. He hasn't been on a long time. Fucking. Yeah. It's also very kind of gay sounding,

you know, like it's like, uh, just the way he enunciates is very, there's an effeminate quality. I guess that's what I mean by gay. And, uh,

and he doesn't mind a little vocal fry for effect. You know what I mean? Like he, so he does a lot, but what I mean? Like he does. But what a voice. When you hear him, you're like, that guy should be doing animation. Then it turns out that's what he did get into, I think. Well, also, he's very, very affected by jazz.

And I think he talks a little bit like San Francisco 60s kind of hip hoppy cat. You know, that kind of thing. Right. We also got a correction from if you're done calling him gay, uh, this is from Derek Morris, Pismo beach correction. Uh, so apparently we said Pismo and it's Pismo beach. Did you know that? I thought I said Pismo. Oh, you did? I think, I mean, maybe it's like online, inline. Maybe I did both. But I think I did say Pismo. Okay.

And then Yvonne. Do you say Yvonne? This is the correction. Break the name Yvonne into syllables. E-Vonne. Emphasize the E. Yvonne. Theo-Vonne. I think I said Y-Vonne vonnie last week oh i like that better

ugh it's been a hassle since birth in the hospital where i was born my mother met another lady named yvonne who was giving birth at the same time ideally i should have been named christine but note my mother changed her mind after meeting the other lady christine wow good thing she didn't meet a lady named cunt oh by the way in like 15 minutes supposedly i'm getting a call which i'm going to share with everyone from the dmv because i lost my license plate for my uh scooter how'd you lose i bought a motorcycle in nashville by the way what yeah yeah i'm in full midlife now i've always had bikes and uh it's it's great it's basically kind of like a little beefed up a little more beefed up than my scooter what uh

what brand it's not going to be impressive sounding it's called a genuine scooter company but they make this 400 bike that's retro and it is the same company, all these geeks, there's a Facebook page for them because I was like, should I buy this bike? And it's based on the old 1970s Honda. The CB. And it's, oh no, it's

very cool. I'm psyched. I got it for a song. Like a Honda-matic? They used to call those Honda-matics. Oh, I don't know about Honda-matics. And I used to for a song. Like a Honda-matic? They used to call those Honda-matics. Oh, I don't know about Honda-matics. And I used to have a Honda. Brian Copeland said, you got my name right for the ketchup packet,

but in the other one, I guess I called him... I called him Brian Copeland. His name is Adam Copeland. And he had done the cartoon, which we will get to later. You guys sent in captions for the comic strip and we'll get to that contest. We had a winner last week. He's got a coup. You got the koozie address, right? To send it off. I don't know. Do I? Yeah, you do. I've, I've, uh, slacked off on koozies a little. Uh, let me go see how many we have. We might have to order more

and I'm happy to do it. Then we have to both sign them gregory we should and you know what else we should sign is you signing a check uh sending me some money i still have that the grand comedy club in escondido june 7th and 8th pittsburgh i will be at the wdve festival june 21st uh i'm actually doing a bunch of dates with uh bird kreischer coming up next week we're going to a bunch of unannounced comedy clubs in the let's just say Utah through Colorado region wow

on the tour bus sleeping on the bus like a rock star that's fantastic and then what else we got alright let's get to the front page here it comes. All right. It's unavoidable. So just calm down, you right leaning listeners. Donald Trump's conviction on 34 felony counts marks the end of the former president's historic hush money trial.

But the fight over the case is far from over. Now comes the sentencing and the potential for a prison sentence. That won't happen. But a lengthy appellate process. And all the while, the presumptive Republican. I think it's a pellet. Is it? A pellet.

Yeah, you're right. It's a pellet. God, I'm having brain little lapses all over the place. All the while, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee still has to deal with the three, with three more criminal cases. I forgot about those.

That could see him return to the white house. Uh, it's unclear to what extent the judgment factor in the political logistical complexities of jailing a former president, blah, blah, blah, blah. blah blah let's get that while projecting confidence trump and his campaign also spent weeks trying to undermine the case ahead of potential conviction he repeatedly called the whole system rigged a term he also used uh in false descriptions of the election. He lost to Biden in 2020. And he said, Mother Teresa could not beat these charges.

Well, would Mother Teresa have been with a porn star? Well, when Mother Teresa touched the lepers to heal them, she didn't then ask the leper to spank her with a copy of Catholic Today magazine that had her face on the cover. Yeah. So, all right. What I did, everyone heard that the verdict was coming in, right? So what do I do? I turn on Fox News. That's what I did. It's the funniest. It's the funniest. Now the Comedy Central is kind of gone fox news is absolutely the most hysterical so janine piero who will tell you she's been a judge i don't know

40 000 times in each broadcast she i swear if snl was still up they wouldn't have to do a sketch they could just show janine piero when the verdict came in she was just like first of all she is calling on god to save america after the guilty verdict came in and then she's like she literally goes and america has just gone off a cliff yeah i saw that calling about you know their whole thing is is that Cohen's like a liar. I mean, the simple question is, do you believe he hooked up with Stormy Daniels? And do you believe, which I would have done, he tried to shut her up before the election? I mean, that's what it's about.

And calling Cohen a liar is so funny because it's like, you can't trust this guy. He's got no character. He's a liar. I should know. I hired him seven years ago for that exact reason. That was his resume. So I hired. you and I both watch Fox News because that's such an indication of how scared what pussies us liberals are that you know it we're almost like the abused children of an alcoholic dad and he's been drinking we're like don't piss what's he doing what's dad doing don't say anything don't don't celebrate we don't want to make them more

angry at us well I watched it because I was dying laughing. Yeah. Each one finding a different way to say, you know what? It's very important here that we don't blame the jury. We don't blame the American jury. That judge with those directions and clarification, they hate the judge.

Yeah. Well, it's it is it is so weird, though, like how the liberals don't want to sell even the press secretary, the former press secretary, the one with the red hair. She she came out and was like, this is not a time to celebrate. Just keep it low profile. Oh, he's a martyr. All of a sudden, the fundraising went through the roof. Yeah, I know. Which it did for the Democrats, too. So the great news is we are so over this.

We are so sick of it. And now there's more funding for them to run ads about it for the next six months. Oh, I know. Your head looks very—I probably screwed up the editing now. I just adjusted it um the uh yeah but it's you know whatever i mean it looked like it was going that way and uh i don't know he said it doesn't make it i don't think it makes much of a difference all right let's move on to the human skull a human skull padlocked to an exercise dumbbell

has been fished out of a new orleansway, leaving police with a mystery on their hands. Now, I could continue reading this, but sometimes you just got to go. All right. Got it. New Orleans, man. It was found by a man using a red rope and a magnet the size of a hockey puck on a bridge to pull things out of the water below. He also found a handgun and a gun barrel. The 15-pound dumbbell was padlocked around the skull, fully decomposed, lacking a jaw or the top row of teeth. Police say he died peacefully. Can you imagine that death? That was brutal. Wait, does it really say police said he

died peacefully? No, no, no. That was my joke. Oh, that's really funny. Oh yeah. I like that. I mean, this is why I never exercise. There's just too many horrific accidents. Just never do skull curls while standing on a bridge. This is how calloused I am. My true reaction was, I'm like, dumbbells are kind of expensive. Like, it seems like he could have somehow put a brick through the guy's face and then thrown it in that way or something. Yeah, this guy was definitely sending a message to somebody. put a brick through the guy's face and then thrown it in that way or something. Yeah. This guy was definitely sending a message to somebody.

No jaw. Jesus. Well, who knows what, there's probably no fish in that thing, but that is crazy. If you're a mystery writer, take this,

all the information we just gave you. That's all you need. And work backwards from a great mystery novel about how this happened somewhere someone is doing just one-handed curls that's another effect yeah find the guy do find a guy walking through new orleans with one arm way stronger than the other one there's your suspect that i think you're right a christian lifeguard is suing the city of la for severe emotional distress after he was stationed near a pride flag last year jeffrey little jeffrey little who has worked for the city 22 years

can you do they let lifeguards i don't want a fucking 42-year-old lifeguard. Well, not this one. He filed a lawsuit on Friday saying he was discriminated against for his evangelical faith by being made to stand in the same vicinity as the Progress Pride flag. Little alleges he was suspended

from his role with the department's background investigation until last year after he took down three LGBTQ plus flags during Pride Month. Plus, somebody sounds like, do you have to pay a premium? Is there an extra five bucks for plus at the end? I don't subscribe to LGBTQ plus. I got Disney plus. Yeah. Paramount plus.

I think. And those are far gayer than LGBTQ plusbtq plus it's true it's true uh so anyway uh he said it's a direct conflict with his religion look i don't know if this guy should be on a a lifeguard he lost 11 male drowning victims last year because he would not do mouth-to-mouth or the Heimlich maneuver. Meanwhile, I thought the rainbow flag on the beach, I thought that meant the riptide was gay that day. It pulls your bathing suit off.

I didn't go swimming all last June because of the gay riptide. Yeah, it just rips right in your butthole. Yeah, right you it sucks your dick and you're like what just happened yeah confusing all the different flags small craft advisory yeah pride flag so okay so the flag is gay but he's fine wearing the flaming red speedo that's yeah that's straight enough for him doing pull-ups on

his lifeguard stand with an oiled down body the floppy hat and his junk hanging just to the left i didn't look but you can see it little gay jeffrey little gay let's get to entertainment here we go now okay what's this a letter yeah a letter from uh bill fucking morgan is the way he signed it he said so the game time app came through for me in a big way patent did a show here in grand rapids tickets were 71 to 90 So I was a little tight. I had just flown to Cincinnati to see Tom Segura. There's a lot of comedy fans out there. Anyway, so he couldn't spend more than $50.

He checked game time the day of, got a $40 seat. So thank you to game time. Shouldn't we save this for when they're a sponsor? Nope. I think we support them every single week. Wow. All right. All right.

You want to read J-Lo? Yeah, we'll read J-Lo. But by the way, I like the Bill fucking Morgan. I sense a missed opportunity with my kids. Wouldn't it be hysterical? So my daughter is like Olivia Gibbons to be like middle name fucking. So when you gave her like kind of a pep talk, you'd be like,

listen, you are Olivia fucking Gibbons. Get that chin up. You go out there. You can do it. You're Olivia motherfucking Gibbons. Then Sophie motherfucking Gibbons. Just so it's different.

Like a hyphenated middle name yeah i think that's a really funny idea do you remember that do you remember that joke where there's a family sitting down to dinner and you know there's a brand of ham called damn ham i didn't know that that's kind of famous like baked ham so anyway they're sitting at the table and the father goes uh uh son passed the damn ham. And the son goes, that's the spirit, dad. Pass the fucking potatoes. Nice. All right.

I do remember that. Jennifer Lopez exits Ben Affleck's home just one hour after putting on a united front at his daughter Violet's graduation party. So anyway, it's all this speculation and it's this, they go into the details. But Lopez, 54, and Affleck, 51, were seen leaving the party together in a black Cadillac Escalade and heading to a mansion Affleck is believed to be renting out after reportedly moving out of the pair's home. um so i brought up last week that just based on what i saw on the roast like it seems like a lot's maybe going on and i know it's all bullshit speculation they should have her privately but then today uh this doesn't help the rumor mill uh jennifer lopez just announced she's canceled her this is me live summer tour to spend more time with her family and is quote heart sick over the decision this uh the singer announced to her fans in a newsletter today um so yeah canceled staying at home so yeah i think something's going on there um well it's it says in the story that a

source close to them said they are on two completely different pages yeah yeah she's on she's on a page from this week's vogue and he's on a hot 21 year old assistant named page if they're on different pages yeah exactly uh and then what yeah what yeah so who knows what's going on there but last week the reason i put this story in there is i i wait did i put another quote in there about heat spoke about it uh oh yes it's second from the bottom the outlet reported that affleck doesn't agree with jenn's lifestyle, feels worn down by the marriage and has been checked out. I agree with him on that. All right. Hold on. This might be DMV. Let's see. Here we go. Is this legal? Can we legally do this?

Hello? Yes. Hello. Is Michael available? This is he. Hello? Yes, hello. Is Michael available? This is he. This is Sean, sir. I'm calling from Coastal Resolve on a recorded line. My company is helping business owners get rid of... Oh, we're on a recorded line, too. Oh, no, talk to him, Mike. Talk to him.

Oh, yeah, I think my name's on a list, but what is this about? It's about merchant cash advance loans and saving you up to 60% off your next payment. Oh, I got you. I don't need a loan though. We're not lenders at all. What do you want to do, Michael? If you have a loan with high interest rates, we help you reduce the payments by up to 60%. We can save you up to 30 to 40 off the principal. It's all a free quote, and we don't need any of your personal information. But do you deal with one of those type of loans? No, but do you guys give money out also?

Just like, no, we're not lenders. Are there get like, do you have like banks sometimes give you gifts if you sign up? Like, do you guys do any gifts? Nope. Nope. Or vacations? Vacation. You want a vacation?

Well, something like, or a car, like something, some like bonus. Nope Or vacations Vacation You want a vacation Well something Like or a car Like something Some Like bonus Well I can't do for you Is wish you a very Good weekend

You take care Alright thanks so much Bye And you say And you'll send me On a vacation You say What about my shoes?

I'll bring all my glasses down. Yeah. You have a great week. I love that he went off on a positive note. I mean, if I was at that job, I'd be like, look, fuck you, pal. I don't enjoy doing this either. Well, I made it borderline believable i mean they get crazies i used to be i don't know if you remember it be you sadly for a couple of months i was a

telemarketer for the new york times really selling new york times to rhode island where that uh the woman who wrote in earlier is from and uh they are not fans of the new york times especially back then i was gonna say did you find the three people that read the new york times especially back then i was gonna say did you find the three people that read the new york times in rhode island good lord i had to call a city called uh berlin and i made the mistake of calling it berlin rhode island and boy did they let me hear it yeah yeah yeah that's like saying you're not from here are you yeah that's like saying um uh what's the what's the what's the town in washington that i always say wrong not oh uh spokane you have to see spokane i said spokane and they went fucking ballistic on me

i love saying san fran to people from San Francisco. They really don't like that. I love their reaction. They hate Frisco even more. Frisco really makes them crazy. Shake it down. Yeah. But all right.

So let's do Florida. Here we go. You got to get out of here and catch a train my man i'm catching a train to mamaronek to do the emlyn theater i'm thanking you guys in advance because i think the show is sold out oh i want to look oh hold on someone sent this to us sorry i just remember it now and i should there it is so this was sent from uh peter a listener peter sent this in with a very nice note so here we go florida woman 20 who was caught having sex on public pier jumps into water to escape cops he escaped into 20 year old 20 alissa razzo much good though she was picked up by beach patrol as soon as she made it to shore and they could tell this riptide was not gay no that thing had a lot of male jizz that was headed for the female vagina no the naples police

department received multiple reports about a man and woman having sex behind the historic pier's locked gate at about 4.30 p.m. during the busy Memorial Day holiday. Razzo and the guy's name was Zadok. Zadok Westfield. He's 23. Alicia Razzo. This is like typical Guido Beach. Like she thought she was still on the jersey shore she's 20 he's 23 and

they had their pictures and they're not bad looking couple like really yeah and they were still at it when the officers arrived as the two scrambled to put on their clothes razzo moved to the edge of the pier and jumped in despite officers commands to stay where she was westfield who was completely naked when police arrived stayed at the scene he told the officer that razzo had swum to the end of the pier and intended to jump off but wound up having sex instead well piers are fun there's so many great options yeah a witness told police she was enjoying the beach near the pier with her four children ages Piers are fun. There's so many great options. Yeah. A witness told police she was enjoying the beach near the pier with her four children,

ages 7 to 15, when they noticed Razo and Westfield naked in the public spot. She told police, quote, her minor children were asking questions about what the subjects were doing. Also, the 15-year-old wouldn't stop asking if he could swim out to the end of the pier uh razzo and westfield were each charged with trespassing and disturbing the peace razzo was additionally charged uh with resisting arrest without violence and without the bottoms of her bikini that's amazing and i and the seven-year-old was like, mommy, what are those two Italians doing on the pier? I'm not sure, honey, but I think they're going to get sunburned. No, mommy. I saw him put lotion on her. Oh, geez. Her lower back. Isn't going to get sunburned. The tattoo she has down there is going to be all protected. Yeah. The Italian horn is going to be all protected yeah the italian horn is going to be fine mommy

and uh that's a good story though i like that one they're just having fun all right let's make georgia florida uh georgia man send it's for taking fentanyl cocaine to sell in florida fentanyl cocaine to sell in florida that is like bringing sand to the beach it shouldn't be going should it be going the other way yeah uh this guy lionel batista salas he's only 29 years old was caught traveling from georgia to jacksonville florida federal agents found 1600 fentanyl pills federal agents found 1600 fentanyl pills, cocaine. I don't know why it doesn't say end cocaine package for sale and six guns in his car.

Wow. Just in time for the Tampa high school prom night. He also admitted that he would be delivering the guns with the drugs. He pleaded guilty, but I mean, he was distributed. So he, he has eight months in federal

prison for distributing more than 40 grams of fentanyl damn what the fuck how where is all the fentanyl where does it all come from well i know where it's going i think brady is really taking this roast thing hard i blame you florida man i blame you and Tony Hinchcliffe. We're to blame. That's solid. Yeah. Alright, are we moving on to sports? Let's do some sports. Oh, man. The Rangers. They're down 3-2.

They play Saturday, so it might be over as you're listening to this podcast. But three of the games have gone to overtime. Yeah, and two of them have ended on like they would have been one-goal games except that the Rangers pulled their goalie, so there was a couple of empty netters, or it would have been one goal games, except that the Rangers pulled their goalie. So there was a couple of empty netters or it would have even been closer. So like literally in five games, the total number of point differential is like seven. They've been really tight. And, you know, look, the bottom line is the Rangers just got to put the puck in the net more.

And on the other end, they got to really stop the puck. That's my breakdown. You should be an announcer. Well, the problem is they just lost their second game at home, the Rangers, and now they're in Florida in a must-win. So, I don't know. But they've won in Florida. They split games out of the first four to be tied 2-2.

So it could happen. We'll see. Well, let's just hope some of the team goes down to the pier before the game and they get a little worn out. Fucking that fucking Rizzo. Send Razzo there, man. Yeah. Alright, what's this Aaron Rodgers story you put in here? It sounds like Jets fans might be a

little bit worried. A video has come out where Rodgers is sitting down at practice, took off his shoe, and they were checking the back of his heel, his Achilles. They taped up the whole thing. I mean, look, this guy's a fucking pussy. Joe Namath used to drink until 4 a.m. This is a Jets quarterback. He used to literally, the paparazzi would take

pictures of him in a fur coat with two models going back to his hotel room drunk at 4 a.m and then he'd win the next day he had knees that were made of glass do you remember that he couldn't scramble the guy could barely move he was an incredible running quarterback at Alabama and got injured and then just had to rely on throwing. But he would have been, they think, one of the best of all time. Like he could run like the wind. Yeah. And he could drink like a fish. Yeah.

Boy, I'm getting a lot of notices that I have a virus on my, I don't know what's going on. But anyway, why are just fans? Of course the word I did here though. I saw the footage. He was looking at his right foot. This isn't a joke, but,

uh, like me, his Achilles blue on his left ankle. So I think it's fair, but even if it was his Achilles foot, what I would say is I've sometimes gotten blisters on my scar from rubbing, and I thought that's maybe what he was looking at. Well, it could also be sometimes when you hurt one leg,

you actually fuck up the other one because you're off balance, and he's done. Just walk away. Achilles is a tough thing to come back from. All right. By the way, how'd you get the virus were you downloading some Stormy Daniels to celebrate I was not I you know what I'm trying to remember what I did check it was something for this a podcast I went on some website and all of a sudden you know when you press it and it's like oh this isn't a real website yeah no because it's like, oh, this isn't a real website. Yeah. No, because it's in my regular. I do all that other stuff on private browsing.

You should know better. All right, this day in history. Here we go. We forgot science. I thought we were skipping that. All right, let's skip science. All right. So, uh-oh.

Okay, here's a big one. On this day, in what year, 27-year-old Queen, well, she was Elizabeth II, the elder daughter of King George VI. She was crowned Queen of the United Kingdom. QE2. Okay. she was crowned queen of the united kingdom qe2 okay was crowned on this day in what year she was 27 years old what's my range your range is going to be give or take six years I'm going to say 1948. Oh, my God. 1953. Nice. Well, I watched The Crown.

I remember she got sworn in after the Second World War. Yeah. By the way, The Crown is, I hate the british and i could give a fuck about the royal family but that's a goddamn good series i have to watch it i know and i know it's good i just haven't gotten around to it okay in what year american professional baseball player lou garrick he was nicknamed the iron horse for his record-setting number of consecutive games. Well, he died at the age of 37. Oh, Jesus. Two years after being diagnosed with ALS.

What year? And I'm going to say for you, you're not really a sports guy. I'm going to give or take nine years. That's a big window. Okay. Lou Gehrig, I'm going to give or take nine years. That's a big window. Okay. Lou Gehrig. I'm going to say, what did I say for Queen Elizabeth? 19?

46, I think you said. All right. I'm going to say 57. I think you might have said 48. All right. I'm going to say 1957 on this one. Perfect. 1941.

Shit. He's an old timer, man. Damn, I didn't realize he was that old. So he played with Babe Ruth then. He played... Because they were both Yankees, right? That's a good question. Yeah, yeah, of course.

I'd say in the most, yeah, I guess he did. Okay. I do know he, a guy, got kind of injured at first base, I think it was. And Gehrig might have been at Columbia. I'm probably getting something from him. But I do know it was one of those, like, don't take off a day, because the guy that replaced him then played, like, the longest streak ever. Yeah, like Drew Bledsoe streak ever. Yeah, like true blood sell.

Exactly. So, all right. What year? I'm going to give you give or take two years. What year? The Chinese government called in the military to put down a pro-democracy demonstration in Tiananmen Square, where that guy stood in front of those tanks. I mean, what an iconic image 1987 and what did i say give or take two years god damn it 1989 nice i knew it was right before

he graduated college right okay last one and i'm only doing it because I'm going to give or take 100 years. Damn, I would think you'd be getting tighter on me because I'm on fire today. Not really. The Marquis de Sade, the French nobleman known for his erotic and perverse writings, was born in Paris on this day in what year? Give or take 100 years, the Marquis de Sade? 1680. God damn it, 1740.

Nice. I was four for five today. What do you mean I'm not on fire? I was generous with the time frames. I was very generous. Two years? You gave me two years on Tiananmen Square. You gave me five years on the Queen Elizabeth.

Yeah, it's recent history. All right, just give it up for me once in a while. I'm emphasizing that she was 27, so you should have been able to do the math knowing she died around, was she 100? Right near there? I have no idea. I don't track that bullshit.

Who cares about those people? Okay. What are we doing now? We're going to an obituary? Let's do an obituary. And that's all, folks. And don't forget, by the way, merchandise plug,

Koozie's still on sale. Go to fitsdog.com and it's $10 delivered, all included, tax, everything. Let's sell them out if we're not already sold out. Someone tell me, how does Venmo charge taxes? Anyway, if anyone knows, you can write in, because I'm just going to cut you a check tax-free, my man.

I like it. All right, so it's Bill Walton. He passed away. I'm not going to read an obituary. You can go find the obituary on your own. But legendary UCLA big man. I'm going to say 2024. That's the year you're going to say he died? Yeah. That's a good, good guess. Yeah.

I thought you were going to say like what year uh what year did he play at ucla or something so anyway but um he then got known as very much you know he always walked to his uh the beat of his own drum very much an individual guy coach wooden at ucla is just off the top of my head coach wood and used to have a lot of problems with him because also Lew Alcindor was also marched to the beat of his own drum. And they were very sort of anti-war. They were involved in a lot of protests on the UCLA campus. I think Walton got arrested. And, you know, he was kind of this hippie, but also a jock.

And that wasn't that common back then. And he really stuck to his hippie roots his whole life and was known as very much a, you know, always pro-peace, a pacifist, and then very famously a deadhead. And then very famously a deadhead. And so it was interesting. Our buddy Jack Stout was in Vegas last night and it was the first dead show because they only play what Thursday through Sunday, I think. Right. The first dead show since Walton died. And so I said, I hope the show is amazing. This is like 1130 last night.

And I said, was there a Walton shout out he goes the show was great as advertised the whole second set seemed to be about walton and they did a 10 minute photo montage during fire on the mountain no that's amazing that must have been such a cool vibe. I didn't even talk about it. I was there on Sunday night. Right. I went and Fire on the Mountain, they played. And it was so funny because, you know, it's just such a great fucking song. And they transitioned from Shakedown Street right into Fire on the Mountain without stopping, which they don't usually transition into songs.

But they get into it. And then fucking Mickey Hart know the drummer mickey hart yeah he starts he starts rapping fire on the mountain lyrics it was first of all we did me and aaron had a game before we got to shake the buzz right out of me before we got there we were like all right each person gets a point for every black person you see final score zero zero after three zero zero and so when this when this 80 year old white guy starts wrapping fire on the mountain to a crowd full of what it was so fucking funny but and also they do this like i think i sent you a clip i did i sent you a clip of the they do that uh space jam drum solo yes and it is so indulgent it is the show was magic except for that it was so bad i don't know why that when we saw them they did drum space and a break and a break yeah they took a half hour break that's

your goddamn just like the old like zeppelin and those guys like yeah let the drummer go to town for a while or let eddie do his unbelievable guitar solo that's when the band takes a break yeah but um but i'll tell you we uh we had a blast. We took a little mushrooms and we sat. I mean, if there's ever a band that really uses this space, because I heard people were a little nonplussed by U2. Some people felt like it felt a little stage, felt a little corporate. But this was like John Mayerer as you know because we saw him together at the hollywood bowl is just brings a new life to it and you know and there's all these

young people there's like uh the whole stage right section was young people dancing like it was 1972 like just going red like they all knew where to meet, like the real heads. They all meet in one area and and the floor had no seats. So it was just a big, big dance. And, you know, the four there was four women sitting in front of us, not sitting. Everybody was dancing the whole time. But they were like 40 years old, maybe a little younger. They sang every word to every song and there was like a couple

obscure songs wow and they were dancing to and they were very well put together they were kind of cool they were just cool contemporary um and like i mean like terrapin station they were singing every word too it was really weird uh well this set list wasn't, I mean, first of all, they began the show. I did not like the set list on Sunday night. We did not have a good set list. Last night, they began the show with Ico Ico, Eyes of the World, Bertha. Really great. I mean, then set two started with Ripple.

That must have been pretty sad. And then the last tune before the encore was Knocking on Heaven's Door. Yeah, they played that. And then Fire on the Mountain with the, I guess, the montage of him after Knocking on Heaven's Door. They did All Along the Watchtower and Mayor fucking shredded. It was amazing. They did that and knocking on heaven's door no no no i got confused they played they played all along the watchtower um got it and then uh i don't know it was just amazing and i was thinking about that i always think about this

like how much is this band making because that place holds about 18 000 people and tickets are like they're like two or three hundred bucks. Shout out to Dan Brickner for throwing us the tickets, by the way. Wouldn't take anybody. How about that? And, but I was thinking, this is like three and a half million dollars at the door. Not to mention the amount of merch. Everybody there is buying a sweatshirt or a t-shirt.

So, good for them for fucking cashing in yeah um anyway so let's get to we're we're running late we got to get to let's go and i think dmv just called me but i will let's get through this let's cheer up let's cheer up let's cheer up here. Go little fun is. Okay. We're going to start with our drawing from this week was once again, a ketchup packet. Yes. Dressed up as a cowboy with a gun shooting another ketchup packet, which is laying down with ketchup coming out of his belly. He's been shot.

He's also got a cowboy hat on so it's a cowboy packet shooting another cowboy packet we got a lot of submissions so let's try to rip through and we'll get to as many as we can uh michael prescuta said do you want dyes with that all right all right um and then uh lane simpson that no richard mccabe said i said ketchup not cats up okay steve grasso said uh cut okay alec that was a little over the top let's slow it down a notch and take it from the beginning and action that's a great one that's good right yeah all right then we got uh aaron johnson said uh Cormac McDonald's. No ketchup for old men. I think it's Cormac McCarthy. No McDonald's. Oh, got it. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm OK. I'm just having my period. Hey, hey, he's not he's not bleeding. It's just ketchup. All right, enough.

No, wait. You didn't even read the best one from Aaron. Say this slowly drawn out with a highly agitated Spanish swordsman accent, popping the first consonant of each word. That ought to have the desired effect. Come on. What am I? Michael? No, no. I was talking about the desired effect. Come on. What am I? Michael Caine? I was talking about

the wild lunch. That was up above. That was his best one, I thought. All right. Kent Sackman said, who, by the way, put his address. That's how confident he is that he's winning this. He put his address because the winner gets a koozie.

His punchline is one condiment to rule them all it's ketchup with a k motherfucker nice wait did you read the my name that's what he wanted you to put the heavy accent on anigo montemito oh anigma montemito we don't need to do it let's keep going okay i just, he'd be angry that you didn't read that. Ron Dvorak said, you had sex with my wife and now you're going to pay. Bang. Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I thought you were mayonnaise. That's good. All right. Scott G said, broke pack mountain, alternate ending. I always knew you were a little fruity. Okay. All right. And then Tim C. Bradbury

gave us a number of them. Ketchup and mustard, the final draw. Only room for one of us on this hot dog town. No country for old ketchup. I guess a few people got that. John Eckhart said, I don't relish saying this, but this

burger's not big enough for both of us. Bang. Keith McKee, extra fancy my ass. I don't relish saying this, but this burger is not big enough for both of us. Bang. Hmm. Okay. Keith McKee. Extra fancy my ass. I kind of like that. Mike Markle said Heinz 57. Here's a Heinz 357 for you, fuckface.

Yeah, I don't think he needed to establish Heinz 57. Maybe, I think just Heinz 357, fuckface. Maybe, I think just Heinz 357, fuckface. Jane S., who did our logo this week, said, Back when Heinz wasn't so mouthy about being the slowest ketchup. Oh, interesting. Chris Jorheim said, While global elites like Heinz continue to post record profits,

disenfranchised condiments in the Southwest are ravaged by generic on generic violence. And genericide. Brian Reschel said Winston always knew his past would catch up with him. I'm going with the Alec Baldwin one. All right. So we get our winner is Alec Baldwin. What was it? Okay. Cut. Okay, Alec, that was a little over the top. What was it? Okay.

Cut. Okay, Alec, that was a little over the top. Let's tone it down. Steve Grosso, congratulations. You won this week's koozie. Send us your address. We'll get it out in the mail in three weeks. Next week's caption, or we need a caption for next week's comic. It is a gorilla sitting on top of what looks to be a camouflaged body, a dead body.

He's wearing the red beret cap. He's got a machine gun, an AK-47 on his back, and a bullet pack across the front. And he is grilling a burger on a barbecue yep so i gotta see it i guess he looks like maybe he's eating the uh the soldier oh don't spoil it all right i won't spoil you guys use your imaginations meanwhile hagger used his imagination he's walking in the door helga said how did your point with dr zook go and he goes not good i'm running out of things to give up helga's like well maybe lay off rape you know just because we're married maybe lay off that for a little what did the doctor say about you taking women by force

let's get down to Leroy Lockhorn is laying in a hammock. And of course Helga, wrong wife, Loretta has a basket of laundry. She's talking to her friend and she goes, oh, he's still got animal magnetism, but it's of the sloth family.

That's okay. A little subpar for this strip. And I mean that as a compliment. The next one he's got on yellow pants and a lime green jacket and a yellow tie and she says the fashion police have offered a reward for your capture and here's what i thought you would like uh okay leroy's talking to his friend next to his computer and he goes my computer knows too much i like that one yeah okay here we are we're down to number eight of the funniest calvin and hobbes of all time or some so i i haven't read these in advance so i'm gonna i'm gonna struggle through this there are

no words in this one so in the first scene uh calvin is running across it looks like his bedroom then he's putting on a jacket and it looks boots and then he goes up his dad's working on like tax returns or something at the desk and he runs up now he has his coat and his mittens on and his hat and he's pointing pointing pointing and then both oh then the dad like kind of has an explaining gesture with his hands kind of looks like he's maybe saying no and then calvin looks distraught and bummed and the dad's struggling still then it's just on the dad and dad's like thinking it over his head's in his hand you know like he like he's holding his chin up. I don't know how you describe that. And then he seems more pensive about it.

Now he's looking out the window thinking. Now he's looking down at his papers thinking. Then you see him get up from his chair and then he runs outside apparently because there he is in the snow and he has his jacket and he has his men's on and there's snow and calvin's out there you could see started to make a snowman and then you can see them building the snowman and it's getting dark now no but you gotta say he they have their arms out to each other like they're gonna hug oh he runs out excited and it looks like they're gonna hug and i and we're we're led to believe they hugged. And then you see them making this snowman and then they're back at the dad's desk and

the dad's back doing work and the mom's there holding Calvin up. And what do you think that is? Is Calvin kissing the dad on the forehead? Giving him a little kiss on the forehead. I mean, hystericalical how funny is this cartoon huh one tear i got one tear coming down my face see the problem is you never had a son because your sperm is so female if you had a son you would understand this feeling all you know about is like tampons and bad moods

you might be right guilty as charged speaking of tampons speaking of tampons and kisses we got dagwood and blondie giving a little smooch at the front door and in the second second frame, she goes, how was your day, dear? And he goes, gosh, I can't remember. That kiss was so good. I completely forgot about everything else. Oh, is this a breakthrough? Wait a minute.

Why does it end there? Well, because now we know he went to gay conversion therapy. But wait a minute. His jacket's off. Look at her standing there. I know. She's presenting. Yeah.

Look at her hands. Her hands are open. Her breasts are pushed forward. She doesn't know what to do with her hands. His hands aren't in his pockets either. Nope. They're squared off. It looks like a gunfight at the OK Seaman Corral.

And if you look at the dog in all three frames the dog knows what's going on the dog knows something's about to he's going to be locked out of the bedroom yep yep he's going to be licking his balls thinking about the old days when he had them all right well listen uh we want to not thank our sponsors because we didn't have any this week yeah uh we want to thank chris denman and midcoast media for being there for us doing a great job if the sound sounds a little off on my end i am on the road i did not bring a microphone so i've got like the built-in mic i hope it sounds good if it doesn't don't blame them i sound sound flawless. I'm sure. I'm sure. And we will, uh, we'll catch on back on Sunday night.

And then I leave Monday morning and then I'll be back. Uh, after that, what are you doing Monday? Going on tour with Bert Kreischer. Oh, good Lord. I should listen to the podcast.

Yeah. Check it out. It's good. People love it. Yeah. All right. We'll catch you guys later. Everybody take it. Take it. Take, check it out. It's good. People love it. Yeah. All right. We'll catch you guys later. Everybody, take it eesh.

Take it eesh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've been sick for a real long time, but now I'm feeling better. And when I finally recuperate, I'm going to write myself a letter and tell myself that it ain't right. When I'm the bullet that I'd bite, I'm gonna fix the focus on my sight and watch the Papers. Sunday. Papers.

Sunday. Papers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Coming to you from beautiful Los Angeles, California, USA Pick up the mic, mic, and shake a leg, Greg Cause it's time for the Sunday Papers Sunday

Papers Sunday Papers