Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 22 8/2/20

Episode Date: August 2, 2020

Greg and Mike continue to NOT violate their Non Disclosure Agreements from working on Ellen but they do give advice on how to be a good roommate. Do not do what the guy in CT did; chop your roommates head off with a sword.

i can't believe the news today hopefully greg and mike will make it feel okay read all about it sunday papers baby it's not thursday no this is the fucking monster the sunday edition it's big it's fat it's. It's Mike. It's me. All right. I got to do that. That was you walking into the room with your arms above your head? Yeah. That's how I walk in the room. So we've been talking about tech stuff for the last 20 minutes.

We're already exhausted. 45, yeah. Because it didn't go well. We're trying to figure out different ways to record this, and you just burst out of the gate. I like it. It's like you don't understand what it's like as a stand-up comic i'm uh at the green bay chuckle hut on a friday night it's midnight i miss my family the opening act has his girlfriend in the room who won't shut the fuck up and now i gotta go up in front of 200 drunks so you gotta you gotta be able to make

that transition i have a i have a ritalin pill right should i write on this it's right there's a little yellow pill hey now i'm thinking of popping that at some point i haven't had a coffee today because i'm trying to keep my voice from uh failing well that'll be good then the riddle it'll kick in just as we get to the sund funnies. I'm going to take it now. Here we go. There we go. There we go. I'm in.

I'm on drugs. We're going to see the difference. Kids, kids, this is not any way an endorsement of taking drugs. This is work. You got a prescription for that shit, right? Of course. Of course. The guy on the corner, he makes me hand him a Post-it.

The kid, the high school kid on the corner. High school kid. We keep it formal. It has to be Venmo, but, you know, whatever. And he's going to fail this semester because he doesn't have any fucking Ritalin left? Honey, we got you all the help you wanted. You haven't finished a single thing you started. Well, Mom, Dad, the good news is, have you heard Sunday Papers? It's really good. By the way, since I started selling that old man, my Ritalin, they now have a Thursday Papers. Like, the effect is clearly measurable. You got to think of the greater good, mom. Stop focusing

on me so much. Well, welcome, viewers. Another week. They're going by too fast, man. Speaking of viewers rather than listeners, you know. Oh, I meant listeners. I meant listeners. I'm from TV. What do I know?

No, but we're getting more and more people watching us on YouTube, on the Greg Fitzsimmons page. Check it out. I don't like that. I don't like that we're, first of all, I don't like that people know what at least I look like, but also that I'm in my closet and I don't like that. I don't like that we're, first of all, I don't like that people know what at least I look like, but also that I'm in my closet and I don't know. I,

it affects because I've noticed I get, I'm like quirky. Well, now everyone's, who's not going to now try to find a way

to watch this quirkiness. Yeah. But like, I don't know. Like when I think I'm invisible, I'm like waiting for you to finish a line and I'll be like, I find myself doing almost like a weird things a musician would do for timing.

Like I'm waiting to, I'm reading when I would chime in with my dumb zinger or whatever the hell it is. This is not how I normally look. Well, just watch TikTok instead when I'm talking. That's what I do when you're talking. Aren't people working out? I can't imagine working out to this shit, though. Oh, no. People definitely.

I mean, I think that's maybe the number one way people listen to podcasts is while they're working out. Yeah. Cleaning would be great. Yeah. Like when it's a free pass. Yep. You have to drive somewhere. Perfect.

You're getting two things done at once. I get that. I guess working out's the same, but how is anyone motivated listening to this? By the way- But that song, they could have pumped it up on the treadmill to that song. Mitch Robinson doing an amazing U2 cover of us

that was fucking hilarious that's what we're looking for folks I was fooled I thought it was Bono and I'm like why is U2 submitting I thought it was Bono what's his name Sonny

Sonny Bono that's the clip for this week you know last week we're trying to think of a clip you know to give you guys online which is on our instagram accounts and gibbs wants to do this clip of me literally the most embarrassing biggest bomb of the episode was me doing a joke a joke of what was it even about i forget uh a reindeer a reindeer reindeer but you're but you're so funny when when you fess up to uh bombing i i've had one of those weeks i just haven't had time to go i would have looked at it but i was like out all day I was fucking active this week

I did a lot of shit you got the virus nope all safe all safe nice so no corrections this week so I guess we fucking nailed it last week

no someone corrected something of course we got things wrong I don't think so I think we got everything right oh someone wrote about Milcher or Milch, I guess. Milcher? David Milch.

No, David, isn't it David Milch? Oh, he said he did not write on The Wire. That might be correct. Because I sometimes, it was such a seminal thing, NYPD Blue. Yeah. And that's what he co-created that i i sometimes will conflate that with the wire and uh when the guy wrote that in i did not i'm checking right now on imdb and um i did not in fact look it up but i wrote back i wrote back to the guy, no, you're wrong. And then I think he got you.

Then he wrote back, well, then you should tell IMDB. Oh, God. There's also a David Melcher who was a lieutenant general in the Army. No, I think it's Milch. Oh, David Melcher. All right, whatever. So we got one wrong. Right. Should we get to the front page? Oh, boy. Here it goes. it's Milch. Oh, David Milch. All right, whatever. So we got one wrong. Right.

Should we get to the front page? Oh, boy. Here it goes. Let's do it. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra!

All right. My absolute favorite news item of the week comes to us from people running for office who are getting real happy with Photoshop. There was Georgia Republican Senator David Perdue had to pull a Facebook advertisement that featured his Jewish opponent, Democrat something Osef, John Osef, with a digitally altered face. The ad lengthening and widening Osef's nose in an image of him shown over the caption, Democrats are trying to buy Georgia. So he made this Jewish guy look more stereotypically Jewish?

Well, a lot of restraint. No horns. He didn't put the horns in, which I think disappointed a lot of his followers. Wow. Yeah. And, of course, he distanced himself like a lot of leaders, kind of like Ellen's doing, which we'll talk about later. He probably said, oh, a third party did it or something. Yeah, I think he did say that.

Of course. Yeah. a third party did it or something? Yeah, I think he did say that. Of course. Yeah. And then our good friend Lindsey Graham. Yeah. He went after his challenger, Jamie Harrison, who's black, by running a Facebook ad in which Harrison's face has been digitally altered to make his skin appear darker than it normally is. Do these people not think they're going to be caught?

I mean, it's also like so predictable. That's their playbook. Yeah. I just think it's funny. How racist are you to put blackface on a guy who has a blackface? Like, what? Oh, my God. who has a black face. Like, what? And then it got, and then it's actually really bad because now they're going after Biden.

And it's all, it's these racial stories. He's Irish. And so there's all these videos floating around on the internet of Biden talking gibberish and not really making sense. Oh no, that's actually his videos. I was going to say, wait a minute. Oh, that's crazy. Wow.

Well, they're not going to get in trouble. Nope. I don't think. Unless they, what's the Elizabeth Warren one going to be? Well, they're not going to make her look more Native American because they don't want her to appear that way. So they're definitely not going to put a Redskins hat on her or whatever. Give her, put some litter on the ground next to her and just have one tear coming down her face. No one remembers that.

If you're over, what, 42, you get that joke? I think you have to be older than that still. So this was a public service announcement. Was it just about littering? It was about littering. And they had a very, very authentic, I mean, he was Native American, but I mean, he was in, was he in full?

Full feathers, headdress, the leather, beautiful leather jacket with the fringes. He was a full on old school Native American garb standing on the side of a road with his horse. With his horse. And a car drives by and throws out like a big gulp cup, pretty big gulp though, and throws out shit and it just smashes on the ground near his feet. And he starts crying. And it's very weird thinking back on it now.

It's like the real crime with that ad is, oh, that's what the Native Americans are crying about. Yeah, right. Throwing an empty soda container out of a passing car? Yeah. I don't think so. Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't that be nice if that was their biggest fish to fry? Yeah.

Yeah. I think he had been sobbing that was a leftover tear from the uh being relocated for the eighth time in his lifetime yeah wouldn't he be not crying and being like oh look you look well it's your land now you're fucking it up you officially have taken all our land it It's 100%. And now you're not littering on my land. Here's another story that will really crack you up. Ooh. A Connecticut man decapitated his landlord, who was also his roommate, with a sword. That's where we'd have a rent strike, okay?

With a sword. After being told he had to move out because of overdue rents. So they're roommates. King, the guy who was killed, was an accomplished chess player. Huh. He doesn't sound like he was very good. I mean, chess is all strategy. It's about seeing what your opponent is about to do.

Yeah. You also think a few steps ahead. Yeah. And I did hear he had called. He had called 911. So they have a record. This is true that he complained that his roommate had been way, quote, waving a sword at him in a threatening and terrorizing manner amid a rent dispute. Well, did he not see the possible next move of his opponent?

Yeah. Yeah. His queen was in danger. Queen was in danger. That was check. And then by the time the cops got there, it had been checkmate. By the way, you put a lot of emphasis on that. He decapitated him with a sword as if like the sword added gravity to the story.

I think that's fine. But if it was like decapitated him with a butter knife. Yeah. It's so much gorier. Yeah. Or a spoon. Right, right. His hands. Yeah. That's like getting gorier. Yeah. Or a spoon. Right, right. His hands.

Yeah, that's like getting beat up by a girl. It's much more painful. He decapitated him with his PlayStation controller. The old one that has the charging cable. That's how he did it. Yeah. As roommates typically do. Yeah.

Died at the hands of a man with a swiss army knife um but it also makes you think about like we've all complained about having bad roommates but this kind of trumps whatever story you had because you know like everybody gets drunk and they start telling there's always certain themes that people hit on you take turns telling your worst roommate story i mean my mine, I live with some football players in college, and we had a kitchenette, and I didn't do the dishes, and so they left them under

my covers in my bed and under my pillow. All the dirty spaghetti pots and everything. That was my worst roommate story. No sword. That's because you paid rent every month. What was your worst roommate story well i might have been the cause of some of them i mean you remember a 1056 commonwealth avenue it was not a good idea but i came home with a mailbox one night

you know the big blue mailbox from the sidewalk so i I ran into it. What? You don't remember that? And then we went, we then tried to empty the mail out of it, which is a federal crime. Oh yeah. Do you remember we had the big blue, by the way,

they look way bigger in an apartment than they do on, than they do on the corner. How many guys did it take to carry it in? I think four of us. It was a heavy motherfucker. Those are heavy. So what happened is the only one who had sense is like, guys, like this is, it's like sitting in our apartment. Like, what do you do? You might as well have like someone tied up in a chair. Like this is jail time. What are you doing? And so then we had to wait until the middle of the night, stuffed all the mail back in it, and then returned it to the place where it was previously mailed to the street.

So that was not a good move. I thought it was funny. Did you get any good mail out? I think we felt, believe it or not, we had some conscience. I don't think we – like, you know, it wasn't – it was goofy. It wasn't to steal. Yeah. So I think we felt, believe it or not, we had some conscience. I don't think we, like, you know, it wasn't, it was goofy. It wasn't to steal. Yeah. So I think we returned it all.

I don't think there was anything good in there. Wow. I know. Think about how many breakups you could have prevented. Those Dear John letters you could have grabbed. No, I know. You're right. But this guy, I like the, he cuts his roommate's head off.

And he's like, then he has to contact his family. Listen, he owes back rent. He cuts his roommate's head off. And he's like, then he has to contact his family. Listen, he owes back rent. And now I'm sorry to say he's going to lose his security deposit because he completely stained the rug. His blood is everywhere. Triple damages. Sorry. Right.

And come here and pick up his belongings. His sword is in the corner. You're going to need to clean that also. Yeah. Here's one that's going to hit me hard, Mike. Okay. Japanese porn. What?

No, no. Japanese porn is alive and well. Just a few keystrokes away. Not only that, I have my bookmarks, and I have a bookmark... You don't bookmark porn. No, but I don't call it porn. That's the key. I call it... One is called retirement.

I tried to pick the thing somebody would be least likely to click on if they got on my computer. Well, how about this? When they get on your computer after you somehow die, retirement's going to be one of the first things they're going to check out. Like Aaron, Owen, JoJo, let's make sure, you know, he probably had money in other accounts.

Let's make sure we have all the accounts. Oh, here's one retirement. Let's see what he was planning. Oh, here's one retirement. Let's see what he was planning. Okay. He was planning to get massaged with a hidden camera in the room to help us. I think we've found the reason why there isn't more retirement that we're finding, more funds that he saved or made. I think we've found the reason to explain the unproductivity. No, this is what's hitting me hard. President Trump said Friday night

that he will ban the video app TikTok from operating in the United States. Whoa. Yeah. He says he's concerned about foreign-owned TikTok owned by China will be used as a national security risk. There's all these rumors about it being hackable.

Rumors. All right. Well, that's one way to lose all the young votes. Oh, yeah. Right. And your vote. yeah right and your vote he's he's gonna lose uh well actually maybe yeah more people will vote for biden because they're not fucking sitting at home in their underwear at four in the afternoon watching tiktok but he's helped me uh he's gonna help me i'm gonna finish some scripts i spent two hours a day not writing a script because i'm watching like I'm watching like people with without face masks yelling at somebody in line at a CVS or a girl with no bra dancing to a rap song that has the n-word in it little white girls tits flopping up and down or a bear or a bear attacking somebody

two hours a day I can't go on TV just because of all the dancing. I think it's the stupidest. The synchronized dancing is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Yeah, but it learns that you don't like that. You just hit not interested, and then it avoids those in the future. And if you like something, you hit like. And by the end, you're getting nothing but bears attacking people with no masks at CVSs. And boobs falling out during it. With their boobs falling out. Yeah. Okay, I'm in. bears attacking people with no masks at CVSs.

And boobs falling out during it. With their boobs falling out. Yeah. Okay, I'm in. Where's TikTok? I got it. All right, this is one. You want to read the one about summer camp? Yeah.

Oh, my God. This story is freaking people out. A summer camp took almost every precaution, yet the majority of kids still got COVID-19. So it's a new report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. They analyzed 500, basically 600, it's 597, 600 children and staff who attended the overnight camp between June 21st and June 27th. This is a short-lived camp. Wow. That's maybe five nights. At the end of the week, 76% of campers who were tested came back positive,

despite the organizers following most state guidelines set by the governor and the CDC. The study noted that the test results, this is the depressing part, the study noted the test results were only available for 344 of the 597 attendees and thus likely underestimated the total spread at the camp. Wow. Yeah. Well, it's in Georgia. I hope all of those people were in state. Who's going from out of state be like, hey, we found a summer camp for you oh where is it oh it's in georgia you know with the governor who's like mocking masks yeah right or politicians there i should say mocking masks yeah that's like uh now i'm not gonna say it i

was gonna make an aids joke but you know uh you a lot of kids, it's like, yeah, I lost my virginity at camp. And my fingertips! Hey, how were your color wars? Well, we won because really it was just Timmy was the only one that could run at the end. And he was on blue. How was the food? I hear the food is really bad at camp. I couldn't taste anything.

It was not a problem. Nobody complained. Did you raid the girls' cabin? How do you think we all got it? Yeah. So did you have a positive experience at camp? Yeah, actually, we all had a positive experience. Here's the good news. First camp, a counselor didn't touch a kid inappropriately. So that's good news. By the way, I mean, what vetting? I went to camp.

So I went to this camp. Oh, it was awful. My parents kind of lied to me and they wanted to send me to the same camp my sister went to. So they showed me all these pictures of baseball, basketball, and all this stuff. So I get to the camp. Have you heard of this camp? It's called French Woods. It's in Connecticut.

Okay. It is an actor and performing arts camp and during breaks they would play softball and they on the on the on the grounds that they rented out for the summer there happened to be a basketball ring so i show up with my basketball my glove explaining this meanwhile the closest thing i could get to fun at this fucking camp is there was one class that taught magic. I swear to God, that's what I signed up for. So I was also sent with a friend, my friend Patrick. And, uh, so Patrick and I were in the same dorm and this kid freaked out and started throwing rocks at, anyway, there's a bunch of weird stories, but I just remember thinking back on the counselors.

They were like, I don't think there was any vetting back in our day when we went away to sleep away camps or any of that stuff. There were real like creeps. The theater girls, they can be kind of hot, right? Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. This is like grammar school. Oh, yeah, that's no fun.

No, not fun at all. I used to go to gymnastics training camp. I was really into gymnastics for about seven years. And this is going to sound really creepy, but... It already does go ahead there was uh the the girl's showers had like a little a woods on a hill next to it and you could see through

like you literally could sit 12 feet from the girl's showers and see it completely. All open stalls. No stalls. Just an open room with fucking 16, 17-year-old gymnast bodies. It was crazy. Just sitting 12 feet away, staring at the showers. I don't know why you thought this would

sound creepy. Totally fine. I mean, it sounds creepy, but what fucking 16 year old boy is not sitting in that woods next to his counselors. Hey, you guys mind, is there any room? I found this yesterday, guys, all the counselors lined up on a bed. They move benches in there. It's just tissues and lotion. She can raise her foot up above the shower head. Look at her.

Oh, my God. Not an ounce of fat on that one. Jesus. All these stories somehow worse than this Georgia camp where everyone got the virus. And think about, I mean, so how many was it? 76% of 600. I'm not great at math. That's what, around between four and 500, 450, I guess, to be exact. Those are going back to what? Let's say their siblings, 300 households. Yeah, right. That's crazy.

Right. All right. All right. All right. What about those bunkers? All right. I read this story that it literally, of course, I clicked on it. The headline was, why so many Americans Are Buying Up Personal Bunkers.

They're the self-proclaimed largest survival community on earth. It's near the South Dakota town of Egremont. Sales, I guess the bunker cost $35,000. Sales are up over 600% in the wake of the pandemic. The bunkers are both part of a complex spanning 18 square miles, which is like three-quarters the size of Manhattan. And it's connected by 100 miles of private road. And their neighbors include or will include the occupants of 574 additional private bunkers and it's capable of accommodating 10,000 people. Damn. So I went on, I looked online on this and they're like, they're underground and

it's cement and it's kind of like a semicircle, like it's an arched roof. And then they say they're sealed by concrete and steel ballast and a steel blast door entrance. Each shelter comes retrofitted with electrical wiring, internal power generation system, plumbing, all that stuff. And the walls are designed to withstand a 500,000 pound internal blast, which struck me. Is that what a bunker is really? Yeah. Is that the idea of a bunker? The internal blast? Yeah. I mean, I like if I'm a neighbor of some whack job in the next bunker.

I like that if he blows himself up, it won't affect me. But isn't it supposed to withstand, like, getting bombed? Yeah, I guess they're protecting the pedestrians that are walking around on those hundred miles of private road. Sounds like a prison. Pedestrians that are walking around on those 100 miles of private road. It sounds like a prison. But I do know that these bunkers were originally built to store arms that the armed forces had. Yeah.

That's what they were originally set up to store missiles and stuff like that. So I guess the idea was if those blew up. Right, right, right. Wow. Probably just another taxpayer, some bloated military project that they did it wrong, and so they just fucking left this billion-dollar structure. And then there was a no-bid contract made with a crony who turned them into condos. First of all, $35,000 for a place to live. I'll go there anyway. You know?

Yeah. How's the view? Well, if you slide the metal hatch on your front door, you get a view. But otherwise, your 500,000 pound explosion is going to get out. It takes a certain kind of person that wants to survive so badly. They're willing to live in a windowless place filled with fucking lunatics in South Dakota, the most boring state. Like, is that really surviving? Right.

Are you still alive? The largest survival community. Yeah. I'll I'll take the radiation. I'll take the bomb. I'm done. Well, one guy said, I'm just recalling it. I don't have the article in front of me. It was like, uh, no, he was like,

Oh, he's like, this is, I love living here. I've, I've had been here like three years. I just sometimes just go in, shut that front door and I don't come out for a few days. And I've like, kind of like learn much more about myself. One of those. What do you think you'd learn about yourself after three days in one of those? That I think I could blow something up big enough to blow my neighbor away through my walls. I'd be working on a project. Let's just say that. Yeah. She, I found out my, my neighbor who loves Nickelback, somehow that noise gets through the wall. I'd probably really spiral and start creating all these bookmarks that said retirement

filled with porn. I'm imagining when you become fully unhinged, that's the type of thing you do. Let's go to international mike all righty well if you're waiting for your cocaine in australia you are shit out of luck a light air a light aircraft overloaded with cocaine crashed on takeoff uh exposing a melbourne-based crime syndicate and leading to the arrest of five men with alleged links to the italian mafia it was stuffed with more than 1100 pounds of cocaine street value guess what the street value is no idea 57 million dollars whoa all on one plane i gotta say with the covid I think they're getting really lax with the airport security these days.

Mask, you got your mask. Okay. What, what, the big bag is, that's a lot of talcum powder, sir. All right. Just put that in. Why do you have a small hole in your mask right around your nose? What's that all about? Can you please put on your mask? You have white stuff all over your face, sir. Wait a minute. They lived? The plane blew up? There must have been cocaine everywhere. Holy shit.

I think that it's such a big story that they don't... They literally didn't mention if anybody died in the story. I fucking read it. I read the whole thing. No, it sounds like they got the five guys and it just says it crashed on takeoff, I guess. Yeah.

Um, wow. It went down on, yeah, on liftoff. Huh? I didn't, I had no idea that the Aussies were doing so much blow.

I always think of them as like mellow. Really? Oh, no worries, mate. No worries, mate. I don't know.

You have a guy chasing fucking wildlife around until he gets stung by a stingray. Yeah, that's true. He's a croc hunter. We don't have croc hunters here. Yeah, that's true. I think that's a cocaine activity right there. Yeah, and a giant knife to do your lines off of. Yeah.

To do your bumps. Giant bumps of cocaine off of a knife. Now, that's a bump spoon. I, uh, but, but it's so funny when I hear about these stories, I do think about how many, I know this is the wrong side of the issue to be on. I do think about how many people's dreams were pinned on this $ million dollars in this one takeoff like that is like this is my last one. I'm out like, yeah, anyone could say that, of course, with this amount. But it's like so many people and then they get the call like, yeah, it went down or they're getting a call like, you know, from authorities. Yeah, there was a lot of bachelor parties in Australia that weekend

where the where the guys had to actually have sincere conversations with each other. Oh, my God. And it's prom season. Fucking going down during prom season in Australia. Ugh. This is also an international story. A Dutch Holocaust survivor. This is where the Sunday papers goes places other comedy news shows doesn't go.

Please, let's get back to the cocaine. A Dutch Holocaust survivor whose parents died in Auschwitz is demanding compensation from Germany, as well as from the country's rail network who transported Jews to Nazi nazi concentration camps often at their own costs they would charge them so uh netherlands spore wagon which is i guess their amtrak agreed to settle the case with 500 survivors and thousands of their direct descendants hold on well let me get this straight so this is a this is a Dutch Holocaust survivor and his parents died, but he survived? Yeah. That's weird. He must be really, really old.

Yeah. Or she, I guess. You're 1945, 1946 that the war ended. So that would put them at 85 years old. No, 75 years old. If you were zero then, you'd be 75. So if you were 10, you'd be 85 years old right now. Right. I wonder how he survived and his parents didn't. But that's not the story.

The story is he's demanding compensation also from the train. He wants a refund, which seems like a pretty legit reason to ask for a refund. I mean, I once tried to get my money back from Antrac because the bar car was closed. closed. Sir, so sorry, but we only take those claims until 70 years after your train ride.

You just missed it. We would have given you the full refund. Your train ride? It's like, do you have a receipt? Sir, do you have a receipt? When they come around and punch the tickets, did they It's like, do you have a receipt? Excuse me, sir, do you have a receipt? Do you have the punch? When they come around and punch the tickets, did they?

No. Wait a minute. God, my head's exploding. They made Jews and gypsies and Poles and gays and everyone who took trains, they charged them train fare to take them to Dachau and all the places? Yeah. Yeah.

How did that not get out until now? I know. That's fucking insane. That's one of the most sinister details, if I may say, of the whole Holocaust. Holy shit. I mean, what pretense did they get them to buy the ticket? They must have known where they were going, right?

Yeah. Didn't they fight? Wait a minute. There's all these scenes in movies and documents. They're fighting not to get on the train. Yeah, right. Was there a gas bill? Am I allowed to ask that question?

Oh, now we got to move on. We got to move on. Actually, by the way Am I allowed to ask that question? Oh, now we got to move on. We got to move on. Actually, by the way, I want to defend that. That is not, it's crazy. You're right, but I'm not to blame. This is basically the same thing. Yeah. I mean, this would be the worst, darkest joke ever to say

that the Germans charged the passengers on the concentration camp trains, uh, air, you know, fair, right. That, that,

that's crazy. That's, that's the same as saying they charged them. There was a gas bill. Like it's not really that different. And the really cruel part is they made them buy round trip tickets. So that's just a total waste. Maybe that's what the refund is about.

Right. And that's how they got them on the train. It's around guys. It's a round trip. Yeah. Yeah. We're just, refund is about. Right. And that's how they got him on the train. It's a round trip. Guys, it's a round trip ticket. Yeah, we're just checking in. Yeah. Oh, my God. The only thing to do right now is to go to entertainment.

Well, this is an even darker story. So, okay, everyone is asking us to talk about it. We can't talk about our experience. So Greg and I worked at the Ellen DeGeneres Show. We won between us. I was there at the very beginning, the first couple years. And between us, we've won, what, six Emmys for the show? That's if you have five.

I only have one. Oh, I have four. All right, I got four, you got one. That's what I was getting at. So, but Greg, you were a big part of forming that show. You were on board before it launched. You were part of the launch. You identified.

You helped to create the voice of that show. And you were kind of invaluable. And you were there. How long were you there total? Two years. And I didn't necessarily write She Should Dance, but I was part of the conversation that she should dance. Right. She's doing a lot of dancing now. She is dancing now. There's a lot of that.

And first of all, so we can only report the news on this because we both signed NDA agreements. report the news on this because we've both signed NDA agreements. So there's not a lot we can say from our own personal experience, but we can, of course, report to you, our listeners, in a responsible way, what has been already published by other news journals and websites. Well, it's ramped up this week to just from a toxic work atmosphere, which is very, very incredibly well-known in Hollywood circles. And that's why a lot of people coming out now... Did you see Brad Garrett came out? Yeah.

And now someone else, an actress, I'm forgetting whom. That girl from Back to the Future. She came out and said... Leah Thompson. She was defending Brad Garrett, saying that what he's saying is absolutely true. And I think what they're saying is everybody in town, which has been reported this week, it's it's it's not even a secret. It's so widespread what an incredibly toxic work environment is there.

All the reports, especially about Ed Glavin this week, like and just how how awful the experience was there. But the reports now have graduated just since last weekend to now widespread sexual offenses that have happened on the job. So that is going to move the needle for sure. Well, once I mean, I I wasn't there for the debauchery. I don't know. It's shit went fucking crazy at Ellen. There were parties where the head writer was trying to ask guys if he could blow them,

and then the music producer was trying to get one of the people that worked for him to suck his dick. And I just thought there was an easy solution to this. They didn't need... Yeah.

They needed to go outside of the producer circle to get everything done everybody wanted. No, there was yes exactly but no in fairness it was like you know young people who had gotten their first job and um you know it's incredibly inappropriate uh it's inappropriate and you know the head writer kevin lehman who was a writer's assistant when i was there, he was talking, I guess there were

complaints about, he would say to people, are you a top or a bottom, talk about dicks and stuff. And so he defended himself by saying that my job as head writer is to come up with jokes. And during that process, we can occasionally push the envelope. I'm horrified that some of Oh, boy. When you're that edgy, of course shit's going to get a little out of control. Yeah, they really have to find that line and walk it. When you're doing jokes about waiting in line at Starbucks while you're on Facebook and the funny things that pop up, I mean, you're naturally going to be talking about dicks and tops and bottoms. Now, Lehman's comment also said he went on to say, defend himself himself I'm paraphrasing here but he went on to

defend himself saying that he's been there for 20 you know whatever 17 years or something he started as a PA writer's assistant he's worked his way up writer head writer he's as far as he knows there's not a single complaint in HR about him which by the way he wouldn't know if there were some, but anyway, and he's, he can't imagine it. And then he turns on the, on the accusers saying that he can't believe someone would print such malicious was the word he used and misguided. I think, were the two words. Statements, I guess. And what occurred to me was this was a male former employee or employee, I guess, former employee saying this about Kevin. And it's really changed, I guess, you know, in females. It was it was believe women like you wouldn't.

females, it was, it was believe women. Like you wouldn't, the wrong move was to call a woman, an innocent woman's accusations malicious. Like they're not malicious, especially when you first hear them. I think there has to be an investigation and all that. And then, and you know, the words you, you vet it. You don't just naturally believe them, but certainly you don't ridicule them and you don't call them malicious. And I guess maybe that's not extended to men. Right. Right. And it's going to be a matter of time until you just believe everybody all the time. But again, getting back to the edgy joke, when you're doing bits about how loafers have no laces, and so sometimes when you're in a rush, you'll just slip. Like, you're going down that path.

Good luck putting the brakes on. Hey, Kevin, listen, we're thinking about doing a bit where, you know, you walk into a screen door because you forgot you closed it and you don't see it. So can you ask everybody about their cocks? So also, I get bitten by mosquitoes, and my friends don't. And so are you going to blow that guy so we can do some stuff on this? You know, sometimes if I'm at a hotel shower, those shampoo bottles, first of all, the lettering. I can't read the lettering. I don't have my glasses on. I'm in the shower.

I can barely see my huge cock. I'm sorry. How did that happen? And the music producer. Hey, listen. We want to book Sade. So, can you ask that guy if you can blow?

Oh, my God. Allegedly, this is all allegedly. All allegedly. All available on BuzzFeed USA Today. Page six. All things we read. None of this is information we would be breaking our NDA to reveal. An NDA, by the way, is a non-disclosure

agreement for those. Hopefully, I so envy you if you don't know what those initials mean, because it's not in your everyday life. By the way, I don't recall signing one. I think it was in your original contract when you started working there. I'm going to look it up, because I'd love to talk about that. Oh, I know it exists, because I have been to look it up because I'd love to talk about that. Oh, I know. I know it exists because I have been called on it. You got it. Are you are we allowed to say, yeah, well, you got to cease and desist. Yeah, I said something on the Howard Stern show and I got to cease and desist. But no, I don't think I officially got it. I got warned that I would get one or I don't know.

Maybe I did. But one of the complaints that also now also now doesn't it look pretty bad if they're enforcing people? Because, you know, everyone is still terrified about retribution. Yes. And that's in all these articles also. Everybody's anonymous. Everybody's anonymous and they're really terrified and they're certain that they will start looking up and pressuring journalists to give up their sources. Yeah. Well, one of the stories that originally put this thing on the map was that there was a female staffer who was black. It's black again, by the way. Did you know that? It's no longer African-American? I think, yeah. But we were corrected that, I guess I said blacks, but I don't say blacks like, you know, gays. Like, I'm not saying it that way. I think I was like whites, blacks, like, I think, whatever, go aheadaggression that she got confused with another black girl who had a similar hairstyle. Which I don't believe is true because I don't remember there being a second black employee when I was there.

being a second black employee when I was there. It also could get confusing when the head writer's in blackface, just as you know, for shits and giggles and trying to find that line to push it. Well, because he was doing a bit that day about crows. They will, they will start croaking at five o'clock in the morning. Why the branch outside my window? Isn't it always that branch? Did you see my black face?

Listen, Mr. Head writer, whoever it is, I'm not singling out the one in the articles, but over time there were many head writers and I get your bit about how hard it is to get the fourth corner on Tupperware to seal. I don't know why you're doing it in blackface and

a black penis that you prosthetic that you have hanging out of your pants. It seems I got it. Tupperware is tough. I think we nailed that. I don't understand. Is there a, Is it just that all Tupperware lives matter? I'm trying my hardest to relate it to what you're doing here. All right, so we've got Sade booked, but I just wanted to tell you guys about the time Sade was playing,

and I was the top. I was the top. Are you ever a bottom? You've been a bottom, oh my god oh all right we're gonna get off this we're gonna get sued mike this is the only the first wave which is two days old of these articles about the sexual harassment uh and inappropriate sexual comments so as all these things happen, so many more people are going to come out of the woodwork. Yeah.

And who knows what they're going to talk about, but we will keep you abreast. Not because we have inside information as employees. No. That would be a violation. But as reporters of the news, people that peruse websites and read newspapers, we will give you that information. I remember I was no longer there.

So I can talk about this because I just know it from the public information that she had a very emotional breakdown, Ellen did, on camera, talking about one of her dogs that she adopted and then she violated the adoption agency's agreement and gave it to her hairdresser. And in there, there were reports of actually how often that happened. And I can't say more about that. But in the article, then she had a breakdown and then couldn't perform and couldn't do her shows. And I think they went dark and put up repeats and missed three shows, four. I forget how many they missed. The writer's strike happens.

She missed one show. The show went back. And I remember them in articles talking about how in a way it's kind of a blessing. That might be my word, but that they have found new ways and that the creating of material has actually gone better. Saying all this while the writers were out on the picket line. And, you know, in my opinion, I was not there. I have no inside information. But I'm sorry, writing doesn't necessarily mean, oh, where is the page with the printed? If you are creating material, she continued to do sort of quasi monologues from this chair.

That's writing. And, you know, and I know that because eventually I came back with a show and we really honored it and talked to the Writers Guild because it was Spike Ferriston and me about what we couldn't, could and couldn't do. Because things that writers, like for instance, documentaries is a good example. Documentaries can win a best writing award by the WGA because figuring out how to tell the story of a true story with interviews, they consider writing because you are piecing together a story, even though you haven't created this character. And it's really just how you lay it out on an, you know, on an edit timeline. So anyway, um, how is she going to, do you think she's coming back? I guess that was a long winded way of getting to, does she do shows with this going on?

Can she dance again, Mike? Can Ellen dance again? That's what we're all wondering right now. Because I know at around 11 o'clock in the morning, I've gotten up, I've had a couple of cups of coffee, and I'm down. I'm thinking about my career. I'm thinking about COVID. But when that young lady with that cute little Dutch boy haircut gets up there and she dances to some R&B and I see the joy on her face knowing that it is her favorite part of the day.

There's nothing she enjoys more than dancing day after day for housewives. See, I'm so different from you. What happens is I wake up just in time. I set my alarm at 11. And then I am looking for something that challenges me and where people have really pushed the envelope and found that line by talking about blowing their coworkers, allegedly, and asking them if they could grab their dicks, allegedly, but also in the articles. And asking them if they could grab their dicks, allegedly, but also in the articles. And I want to see what that vetting, that hard work, I want to see what that's produced.

And usually it's a very energetic dance. Yeah, you can see the dance tells you how good the show is going to be. And there's days where it reaches a fever pitch, almost like an African rain dance. And you know the rain is the jokes, and they're about to fucking fall. They are coming. They're going to be coming hard and fast. Yeah. The old missed my exit because I was whatever. Punch lines?

Yeah. Speaking of hard and fast, let's go to some sports. That was a hard and fast transition. I could talk about that stuff. Sorry, legally, I can't talk about that stuff all day long. Sports. MLB commissioner reached out Friday. Whoa, hold on. Let me find.

I think I have this article. But do you hear so sports? I don't know, man. I don't know how sports is going to go. It's what do you think the MLB? Let me find this story. Sorry. Well, I watched an MLB game the other night and. You know, it was it was the Astros against the dodgers which of course was the matchup from the world series where the astros cheated so there was a lot of animosity on the field and uh i forget the pitcher's name but he threw a fucking 96 mile an hour fastball at the head of the batter and there was a bench clearingwl, which is definitely not honoring six feet of distance. They were fucking rolling around on the field.

That's amazing. Yeah. All right, let me—anyway, MLB commissioner reached out Friday to urge that a redoubling of efforts to adhere to COVID-19 safety and health protocols is necessary, or shutting down the season could become a strong possibility. 20% of the teams were not playing on Friday for COVID-19 related reasons just a week after the regular season began. MLB players said the latest batch of test results on Friday, they got the results and there were 29 positives and the Marlins were

responsible for 21. Oh my god. And the MLB has not released a reason why it believes the Marlins suffered this kind of infestation. Let me I have one guess. Are the Marlins in Florida?

You fucking morons. Is that it? Or is that like, you know, I know scientific scientists always think of, is it causal? Is there a correlation? I don't know. Why don't you just look at Florida and Florida's team? Yeah, there's certain stats that kind of fall in line. Like they did a survey of how many of the players' sons were fucking their high school teachers.

Very high number. Well, all of this. I can't believe that roommate cutting off his roommate's head, the landlord, wasn't in Florida. Yeah, right, right. Florida man. Florida man. Greatest fucking website out there. Florida man. With sports now, it's going to be Florida men. Florida man. Greatest fucking website out there. Florida man.

With sports now, it's going to be Florida men. Florida men can't play ball. And by the way, one of the most highly anticipated returns in sports is Florida. You know, we got Tampa Bay. Oh, right. With Tom Brady and Gronkowski. Yep. So who knows, man?

And now the NBA is also- Not to mention, Mike, this fucking show has our first sponsor, and it's a betting site that is contingent on the NFL happening this year. We've got a four-week contract. Not D? Yes. Yeah. I know.

When would those start if we were to do those? I think, like, beginning of September. And, you know, it's like, here's another great idea. All right, listen, we're going to really, really, really protect and do the safest thing possible with the NBA. So let's have all the games in Florida. Oh, is that what they're doing? Isn't it all in Orlando?

And they're like Biodome or whatever the hell they're calling it? Right, right, right. Yeah. Jesus. I'm not even pretending to follow sports anymore. No. I watched that baseball game just because I knew something was going to happen with those two teams.

And of course, they're not wearing masks. Well, the only guy wearing a mask is the catcher, and that's a fucking shitty mask for COVID. They're all spitting nonstop as baseball players do. Right. All they're doing is spitting, whether it's sunflower seeds, tobacco, or just their nervous tics.

And then they're, yeah, and then the first baseman's the first baseman's got to chit-chat with the runner. There's always that little conversation. I'd love to know what that conversation is. What are those two rocket scientists chatting about? Probably Ellen. Hey, man, what's the deal with Tupperware? You ever wonder about that? Why is that fourth corner so hard to get down?

You know, it's not a force, it's seconds. So the guy's going to have to touch you and get the virus. So you could try to steal. I don't think he wants to touch you. He said that before the game. Well, that's what they should do is they should make it. There's no touching. You just throw the ball at the guy.

That will get ratings through the roof. Imagine has no touching. You just throw the ball at the guy. That will get ratings through the roof. Imagine changing that rule. They could do that. You fucking hit the guy with the ball. I love it. Even up first, a bunt, you just pick that thing up right in the small of his back.

That's the big obstacle when they're trying to throw up their first baseline anyway. The first baseman has to step to the side. Right, right. I like that a lot. Mike, we got to keep moving here. All right. Sunday papers are a little short than they used to be.

Science. Science. Global admissions of methane have reached their highest levels on record. And they're saying that this is going to cause worldwide wildfires, droughts, floods, famines. All that's happening. Well, my whole thing is, because I read bumper stickers, is that you have to think globally but act locally to cut down on the methane so i have gone off dairy completely uh because things were getting bad in my house we

had a there was a toaster fire uh the bathroom flooded yeah and i went to bed last night i was fucking famished like 3 a.m famished you also have a bidet that doesn't work so hot, so this will help that too. You know, I'm not saving any paper with the bidet. I use three times as much paper drying. I blast my ass. Then I got to wipe my balls, my inner thigh, my taint. It's soaking.

The amount of laundry I'm doing just drying the towels. Well, that's what I need to do. That's what people say you're supposed to do is have a towel. That doesn't sound. A towel that's going to be catching fecal matter? No. No. I don't know.

Maybe just use the hose in the yard. Or how about this? At the same time, it's a win- the same time. How about you take a shower? It's a win-win-win. How about you take a shower once a day? Yeah, that's also, that's a big one. Another story about sperm. We did a story.

I guess Alan's story might have covered sperm. I meant another story. This one's about sperm. There we go. More than 300 years after Antoni van Lurik used the earliest microscopes to describe human sperm as having a tail, which when swimming, lashes with a snake-like movement. But now, using state-of-the-art 3D microscopy

and a camera capable of recording over 55 000 frames a second they were able to see the sperm from uh in 3d and uh they say that it actually it swims on its side and because it swims on its no it like with an attitude kind of like look, look at me. Guess where I'm going. Anybody want some eggs? And they only one side swims. And so instead of going in circles, it turns around constantly like a corkscrew. And they say, but they're all doing it at the same time, like synchronized. They say it's like synchronized spinning. Huh.

Yeah. So it's really, you really are drilling her, or him. That's right. It's a real drill movement. This thing is rotating around, going forward. That's right. And that's why, like my belly button, it's like a pool with synchronized swimmers in it. I'm going to get little cards and give scores, like at the Olympics.

All these little, I think some torpedoes also do that to be, and oh, and bullets. Right. Do you know bullets, the inside of, I think a lot of, I think I know what I'm talking about, the inside of a lot of rifles, it's whatever you would call it. It's graded like a screw so that the bullet comes out spinning. Yeah. Improves accuracy. And, you know, I'm sure a lot of women are not going to believe this.

And so you're going to have to say, honey, here, let me get it close so you can see it. Let me get it close so you can see it. Now, we are seeing galaxies millions, millions of light miles away. We're just now being able to check out the sperm? That seems crazy. Well, I think what it is is when they get the sperm to study it, they're getting it from the scientists in the lab. So once they're giving the sperm, they get really tired and apparently they're not following

up on the study. They're just taking a nap in the laboratory. Okay. Two sperm stories from me. Good luck trying to change it now. Stop doing your pushups, I bet, with that opening introductory phrase. So we, when I was married, we were having a lot of difficulty getting pregnant. And it was, you know, God bless people who have much harder trouble than this,

but we were at like over a year, year and a half, and we were looking into it. So one thing is they wanted to check me. So I go to a place in Santa Monica and I go in and the woman's there. And you know, there's of course all the hot nurse, you know, sort of jokes, easy jokes to make and all that stuff. I won't do any of those, but she gives me the little, a receptacle labeled it just like a urine sample. And you can go in that room. And then she tells me there's videos, there's a DVD player, and then there's magazines as well, if you want. So I go in there and I'm such an idiot. So, of course, I start getting finicky, kind of like we do at home, like, nah, I'm bored with that one.

Now, let me check out this one. So I start doing that stuff. So then I go through their DVD collection and I find gay porn and I take a seat on the couch in there, which I regret doing for other reasons. And I'm just like, oh, no way. And I literally, this is how dumb I am. I'm like, this is the, and the doctors are in on this. There's gay guys married to women trying to have a baby. They should stop that now. And meanwhile, I'm supposed to have an erection and this is what I'm thinking about. I'm like,

wait a minute. I have to go out there and tell them, you can't facilitate this. These gay guys, God bless them. They got to be honest. Their woman doesn't know that this is what they need. Maybe they're not even having intercourse. That's why they're in here. So of course, that this is what they need. Maybe they're not even having intercourse. That's why they're in here. So, of course, it's for homosexual people who are, you know, finding a surrogate and all of that stuff.

So there was that. The other thing was... It's like, how are you going to have a baby? You're the head writer of the Ellen DeGeneres show. You don't have time to properly father a child. And I was like, listen, I did use those dvds but i'm exceptional like i can muscle through but you shouldn't have those in there so anyway imagine if you jerked off to those dvds and then you had a you had a son and he was gay

do you think it works like that oh my god that God. That's funny. By the way, depending on what you masturbate to. By the way, maybe they swim differently, too. They're really a lot more like, you know. They're really good at it. Yeah. Yeah. Like those Esther Williams choreographed things. So, yeah.

By the way, under the microscope, they see the sperm swimming, like with the big circles, putting one hand in the middle. Yeah. That's what they found. So, oh God, is this, this couldn't get more inappropriate. By the way, I did try all the usual jokes, like, you know, and nothing, nothing from the nurse. Like, you know, she gives me a thing. I'm like, well, this should probably take a 30 or 40 seconds. Nothing. I also, This should probably take 30 or 40 seconds. Nothing. I also was like, she's like, there's videos and there's magazines and all this. I'm like, no, thank you.

All I need is a picture of my wife. Nothing. Nothing back. Which, of course, is the biggest joke ever, like from any guy going in's not the, that's not what they hide under a retirement tabs on their computer is picnics with the wife. So on the, before I went there, like you have two options. You can come in here and produce your sample here, or you can come pick up the little container speaking of Tupperware and you can do it at home. And I'm like, all right, seems like easier to do it at home. Like, okay, but at home, there are a couple of rules. One, you have to get here within, you had to like go there right away. And they recommend that you

keep the sample under your armpit as you drive there, because keeping it warm or at the temperature it is, your body temperature is, they live longer and it's a more accurate read, which is what they're trying to get. And of course I immediately start writing my Curb Your Enthusiasm episode, spec script, where he gets in an accident with a guy who was trying to drive with sperm under his arm. Like, of course. And then I thought, how many people driving around cities? Every single day, there's someone driving with sperm under their arm. Yep. And handing in a sperm sample that smells like fucking body odor.

There you go. That one took a lot of work. All right. So should we do a little Dear Amy? Dear Amy, let's do it. Where are you? Boy, I'm not organized. That Ellen thing threw me.

Okay, here we go. Dear Amy. My 18-year-old son started college this year. He has a part-time job and is paying for a new car to drive to school 30 miles from home. He lives at home but makes bad choices by smoking pot! I have asked him to stop many times, but he chooses to continue to smoke. I need advice as to what to do or how to stop the rage that blows up when he does this in my house. I know if I kick him out and take the car away, he will drop everything he's

been working for. Disgusted dad. Wow. It sounds like your son's biggest problem is his disgusted dad. Yeah. That opening paragraph, you got a model son. If he's smoking pot, that's working. I hate to answer this seriously, but honestly, what's your problem? No, I mean, pot is, if I have a choice of my kid either drinking a lot or smoking pot, I'm going with pot. If he's driving 30 miles a day, he's not drunk driving. Especially if he's going to college, has a part-time job,

and I'm not even helping him pay for his fucking car, so he's paying for a new car. Right. Are you serious? I'd say disgusted dad needs a couple bong hits, in my opinion. And what's the rage that blows up? He has to be referring to himself. Yeah, his rage.

I need advice as to what to do or how to stop the rage that blows up when he does it. I don't think your stoned model citizen son is raging. I think it's you. Yes, yes. Well, Amy, you know, we should actually read Amy's responses too after our responses. We could, but I don't know. Or at least the gist of it. We can at least say the gist of what you would say. This is what's happening next week. I'm going to read you an Ask Amy or whatever, and you are going to predict Amy's

response. All right. I like that. That's good. Perfect. Well, I'm going to ask you because I've never read her column. You sound more familiar with it than I am. Well, I think you could predict Amy's advice. I don't think Amy's a medical doctor or a psychiatrist. Yeah, but is she young? Is she old? Is she conservative? I think Amy, they tell us she's on that Sunday NPR show, like, wait, wait, don't tell me what the hell it is.

Oh, okay. So I think she, Amy's probably a little younger than we are, but middle-aged. I love that somebody younger than we are, but middle-aged. I love that somebody's younger than us and is middle-aged. That's a bummer. Don't even get me started. Oh, what did I look up recently where I thought I got excited? Oh, no, I did the census.

Yeah. And the census had me put in my age, and I put in everything right, and it popped up a year younger than me. And I literally, like I, I honestly got my hopes up. It wasn't that I was flattered. I was like,

holy shit. Yeah. Maybe I am still that age. And it wasn't because the census took my math and then figured out how old I was in January of 20, like, you know, six months ago.

Yeah. Right. But I literally could be full. Like, I was so wanting to be younger that I was honestly like, because you lose, I quote, it's like signing the wrong date on checks. I think I'm a year younger for four months into my new year. Oh, I don't remember.

And also, I think about, I don't care anymore because the difference between me now at 54 versus when i was 53 like when i have to if you put a gun to my head and said what did you do new or learn new during your 53rd year versus like your fourth year where you're learning gross motor skills and you're learning language and you're learning fucking sports and reading. And, and I, at 53, I, I don't know. I learned how to use Instagram stories. I think that, I think that's all I did that year. I learned no matter what I have to put my car key by the front door or I am, I'm not getting out the door the next day. I did learn that in this last year. I learned that that third cup of coffee after 2.30 and I am up all night.

Well, we both learned you got to really push the envelope to write Tupperware jokes. We both learned that this week. When you say burp it, is it rude? Should your Tupperware say excuse me afterwards? Because I know when I ask a guy to blow me at a cast party, I never excuse myself. Too edgy? No, I mean, if you stick to the Tupperware stuff, I think you found that line.

I really do. Let's do some mail. You guys send us mail. We read it. We respond to it. Every single person we respond to, fitzdogradio at gmail.com. Feel free to reach out. Correct us.

Write us a song. Oh, and our logo. Our logo this week, which is kind of a classy old school one from David Hughes, whose design went for us before, set that up. You can design us a nice, simple graphic. We do a different one every week, different song, different graphics.

So send those in. This comes from Stephen McQuillan. Hi, Greg. Really quick here. Mike Gibbons looks and sounds like Bill Nye the Science Guy after a month of binge drinking. How dare he? Your thoughts?

So who did the month of binge drinking? Bill or me? Bill did. Bill's kind of skinny. To get to my level. He's very skinny. Yeah. No, he's becoming a hero.

He did this viral thing recently. Yeah, sure. I'll take that. I'm going to consider that a hero. He did this viral thing recently. Yeah, sure. I'll take that. I'm going to consider that a compliment. All right. First of all, who wouldn't want to party with Bill Nye or be with him after he's partied even? I think it'll be mind-expanding for that guy. He already has an incredibly expanded mind.

He's a fun guy. He was on my podcast once, and it was like my second highest rated podcast of my whole life. Wow. You know what he kind of is a little bit? He's a little bit like today's Mr. Rogers. Yes. I bet if he swung into some positive territory, like just talking about, I don't know what Bill Nye. talking about, I don't know what Bill Nye, I mean, does Bill Nye ever talk about things that involve mental health, like how positive thoughts can change your physiology or something?

But I bet if he started doing that, we need a hero. That's basically what I'm trying to say. Well, we have Ellen. We do have Ellen. And we have the guy from Mucho Mucho Amor who was inspiring. Walter, what was his name? It was Walter. Walter, Latin last name. I should know it. This is from-

Mercado. Yeah, that's right. Next one is, I seem to have a crush on you two. That's nice. From Joan. Wow, wait. Joanne. This is the second letter normally it's the first or is that a correct no it's a second letter uh it's the second time i thought

i'd kind of sneak it in this time so people didn't catch on oh okay well it always nice to hear it's nice to hear yeah and i tend tend to forget we get letters like that every week. Last week I mentioned that I have depression and I try everything. And a friend gave me a microdose of mushrooms to try out, which I did. And I had pretty good luck with it. And then we solicited you guys to send us your stories of your craziest tripping story. So this is a good one.

This comes from Anonymous. They said, please don't use my name. Well, you just blew that. David Mandel says, during college, friends and I dosed ourselves with shrooms. Two of us decided we needed to go on a beer run in the middle of the trip. Obviously shouldn't have been driving.

We took my friend's late 90s Jeep Cherokee to the local convenience store. My friend couldn't deal with the public and remained in the car while I went to buy the beer. Apparently, four younger, larger black guys parked next to the Jeep while I was inside. Is that what they saw or did they really appear? Okay, go ahead. They started dancing. So they got out of the car. As they exited the car, my buddy hit the all lock button.

If you remember locking all the doors, especially in older Cherokees, it was pretty audible inside, outside of the car. all the doors, especially in older Cherokees, it was pretty audible inside outside of the car. All the black guys heard it, surrounded the Jeep, and proceeded to yell and question his locking of the car. And the guy's already freaking out.

This is without the black guys. He probably locked the door not even seeing them, but regardless. I obliviously walked out with the beer and immediately noticed that the car was surrounded by these guys yelling and banging on the windows and could see my buddy sitting in there with his head in his hands. I turned around and went back inside, wondering what the fuck was going on, made a fake bathroom trip to the weird closet bathroom. The black guys finally came inside.

I proceeded to run to the car and get out of there always leave a man behind yeah right well look even oh my god under best circumstances is that a situation you're gonna walk into but on mushrooms there's no fucking way you're walking out there no because if you're not on Mushrooms, but he is, you would walk up, I think, and explain that. Because you also have to be under the impression they're about to kick his ass.

Yeah. And so you have to be like, you have to understand he's disabled right now. Basically. Yeah. But, oh my God, that is a nightmare. I want to hear how the rest of the trip went. This is from Jonel from Montreal, who let us use her name.

One of the first times I got too high was in college with my best friend and roommate at the time. All right, this is smoking pot. Immediately after we smoked the joint, her long-distance boyfriend called to break up with her. And all we could do was laugh. We were trying to figure out what was so funny as we gasped

for air and failed to string two words together. When her high dissipated, it was the beginning of two very long weeks of her moping around ordering pizza, watching rom-coms, and listening to james blunt on a loop sounds like she was still baked love the show and i seem to have a crush on both of you joe now from montreal look at that someone with impaired judgment who does drugs as a question um that's funny yeah that don't answer won't answer that phone once you got high yeah i have uh the worst time that happened to me the ill-timed high the worst time it happened to

me was uh three and a half years ago it was uh november 3rd whatever the election is and i'm on stage at the comedy store for election night and it Joe Rogan has pulled together a panel of people to do a live podcast of the election. So it's Rogan, Kreischer, Segura, Bill Burr. I forget. Oh, Doug Stanhope. It was a crazy lineup. And so everybody's, we're fucking dying. Like, we're all laughing at each other. We're having a blast. The results are coming in. Everybody's getting getting ready for the, you know, the, you know, preordained new president, Hillary Clinton. the numbers coming in and it was Trump and I was not a Trump supporter. I'm not a Trump supporter.

Not at that time, right? Maybe my worst nightmare. And I'm high on stage in front of 400 people with these guys that are joking about like none of them was taking it in. They were just kept making jokes about it. And I got up, I walked off stage and I drove home and I couldn't go in the house. Oh, I forgot to mention, this is the best part, is first they announced that the referendum to make pot legal in California had passed. So the entire crowd lit up a joint and it was a hot box. It was a complete hot box

and Stan Hope handed me a joint and I took a hit. I was so fucking high that the whole thing was just swirling around me. And when the Trump thing happened, I freaked and I took a hit. I was so fucking high that the whole thing was just swirling around me. And when the Trump thing happened, I freaked and I just left and I drove home pretty high, shouldn't have driven. And I sat in front of my house. I couldn't go in because I couldn't face what was going on in that house. And I just sat out there listening to the radio for like an hour. Yeah. I've been high in a car, uh, not going into the place I drove to that's happened before. Yeah, for sure. Oh, these are good stories. You

know, last week I told that story about the shrooms. I left out one detail, which was it's, it's when you start a trip and you know, they, they, like the guy in the book says it's about set and setting. So like, how are you feeling? You know, how, like the guy in the book says, it's about set and setting. So like, how are you feeling? You know, how like what mood or what headspace are you in? And then also, where are you like physically and all that stuff? So what happened was, of course, it went crazy when we went to the restaurant and the kid was being potty trained because I was so out of my mind on shrooms because I had taken twice the amount. But what happened was my stepbrother threw me the bag and I ate the bag and then he goes, stop, wait, spit that out.

And I was like on the last stem. That's when the friends walked in and they were supposed to get the bag. And we were, so they were livid. They were furious because we ate all the mushrooms because I ate both of their mushrooms and Jeff ate both of ours. So it began with like this resentful seething bad energy. Oh, it was awful. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. It's too bad you couldn't have flipped on an episode of Ellen. Just change the fucking energy immediately. I don't know. Sometimes it's too edgy for me. Speaking of edgy, time for the obituaries. And that's all folks herman cain uh we lost him he was the uh he's the uh tv and radio host former business executive

and 2012 republican presidential candidate he died about a month after he became sick with the coronavirus. He was 74, and he wrote on a tweet just before that, that he wrote in June that people who wouldn't wear masks were fed up. He was very anti-mask. He attended Trump's June 20th rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma with no masks. I don't think anybody there was wearing a mask. And they think that's where he caught it. Oof. Well.

Very sad. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of irony there, of course, but it's too bad. It's just, I know his daughter. He's, uh, his, oh, no, no, sorry. I'm confusing it with another anti-masker in Georgia whose daughter, he now has the virus and his daughter, his daughter is pointing out that like, you know, we just hope he gets better and everything, but please let this be a lesson. Yeah. Kind of like, don't listen to my father. Please wear masks. Yeah, I don't want anybody dying because of this and looking at it and going, see, see,

but it is, you know, look, this is what can happen. And I just don't get what's so fucking hard about it. What is so difficult about putting a mask on when you're around people? If we all do it, this fucking thing will go away we've whatever whatever i don't want to get into it more confusing it's principle and they're not believing what you're saying so it's principle but then it's like okay but if it's principle can you maybe get over that okay they're wrong but how about just following the law or rule? Don't call it an unjust law. And just

hopefully it'll be temporary. And if the other side is right, you'll be wearing a mask. There'll be a mass conversation will be shorter if they're right in terms of it like helping the spread. Yeah. All right, Mike, the only thing we can do after obituaries is to cheer it up with a little... What do you got, comics? No, Ellen DeGeneres. We're going to play a whole episode right now. Comics, baby. Sunday funnies.

Here we go. We'll start it off this week. Why not start with a little Hag of the Horrible? I love it. First frame is Helga. I haven't seen it, but I feel like it's Christmas morning. Go ahead. I'm going to close my eyes and envision this.

Go for it. Okay. You look like Bill Nye with his eyes closed. It's Helga, the wife, and she is talking to her daughter, who's sitting down and smiling. And she's a little haughty. and she's a little haughty the daughter's a little haughty and uh helga says we women can do anything a man can do second frame helga talking to her daughter who's now not smiling she says don't let your father know i told you that

let your father know I told you that. Right. So they build up any woman, any young woman who's reading the comics, which is a lot of them, they're young, they're impressionable, they're looking for life lessons, is told in the first frame that they can do anything,

and in the second frame, I didn't mean what I said in the first frame. Also, I'm terrified of the abuser in the household. I don't know, though. I don't think women can rape and pillage as well as men, especially with a clear conscience. It's true. Back then, equality was really, it didn't make sense. It was more physical. Yeah, it was a more physical time.

If you could steal, because you were bigger, you could steal. That's what went on then. All right, let's get to the Lockhorns. You know I love them. Leroy is sitting in the driver's seat, and his wife, why do I always forget his name? Lorraine? Lauren? Whatever her name is. She's on the cell phone. She's looking at him, and she says, It's Siri.

She wants to know where we are. That's not bad. That's fucking funny. Now, I don't read these ironically. I fucking love the Lockhorns. Yeah. Whoever writes it, what's his name? Greener? Something Greener. Joe Greener. Second one, it's Leroy is sitting at the table, and when he's around people, he's incorrigible. He doesn't care what the

ramifications of what he says will be later. He doesn't picture going to bed with his wife and having to be accountable for what he said in front of people at her expense. She brings in this fucking turkey that she's worked really hard on, or it's a chicken, whatever. There's three people at the table, and Leroy's got a big smile on his face. He kind of looks like he's got a little buzz on, and he goes, I'll get Loretta's carving set. smile on his face. It kind of looks like he's got a little buzz on and he goes,

I'll get Loretta's carving set three chisels and a mallet. And she's just beaming at him. You motherfucker. Kind of like it a little lighter. He didn't hit her. I mean, that's the thing about the Lockhorns is no physical violence, which is really refreshing on the Sunday papers.

Remember Rocky with Pauly? You want your fucking Thanksgiving turkey? He throws it in the alley after she cooked it. Yeah. What a great character that was. Holy shit. Oh, my God. This is your favorite, a little far side. It's a kid standing against a tree

He's got an enormous head It's not proportioned to his body With a little apple on top of his head The father is standing a few feet away with a bow and arrow And the kid says, come on dad, shoot the apple Shoot the apple, shoot the apple And the father's hesitating Shoot the apple. Shoot the apple. Shoot the apple. Shoot the apple. Shoot the apple. Shoot the apple. And the father's hesitating.

I'm telling you. Yeah. Unknown to most historians, William Tell had an older and less fortunate son named Warren. See, you don't even need the caption. No, you don't. It is so good. You got a family circus for us? I do. I mean, there's so many. I mean, and they're all, like, dark like that. I'm now looking for one based on kind of in the same mode. But, no, but there's just, like, well, he would do the Adams family before it became moving pictures and before they made the sitcom.

And then here's little Pugsley in his room, and he has in his bedroom, he's standing on his bed and he's hammering up signs like a lot of teenage boys will do. They like took signs like a stop sign but all his signs are no diving, pool empty, high, keep clear, high voltage, stop, await signal,asting ahead. Blind grade. Spring condemned. Dangerous undertow. Stop.

Bridge out. So these are all the signs he's collecting. That's hilarious. Yeah. I like that. Did I? Oh, I got to show you the one. We have a New Yorker daily calendar, you know, with a little cartoon every day

from the New Yorker. This one fucking kills me. It's a guy standing on the beach. He's got a cell phone to his head and his finger is covering his other ear. And he goes, I'm sorry, I can barely hear you with the goddamn ocean behind me.

And I remember there's kind of lots of... I like that. There's lots of jokes, old jokes, that were like, and I don't know who's made them or whatever, but it might have even been in a movie, but it's like a kid picks up the shell at the beach to listen

to see if you can really hear the ocean. It's like, Mommy, Mommy, I can hear the ocean. Well, you're, at the beach to listen, to see if you can really hear the ocean. It's like, mommy, mommy, I can hear the ocean. Like, well, you're fucking standing in it. Family circus can take two seconds. I'm not even going to comment. It's literally the kid, the fucking kids. They're standing over his dog. His dog just finished the bowl, has dog food on its face, and the kid goes, Barfie, you should always brush your nose after eating. We do not have to spend time on that. We don't have to do anything about it.

Nothing. We don't have to let it sit there. Let's just move on. Blondie. Oh, do I love her. I love her. I honestly, and I'm not making this up, I don't even tell my wife that I read Blondie.

It's almost like my retirement tab on my internet. Yeah. Like sometimes people will write me on Twitter about Blondie. Sometimes people put porn, which I don't like. They do like a naked Blondie. Sometimes people put porn, which I don't like. They do like a naked Blondie getting fucked or something by Beetle Bailey.

And I don't appreciate that. It's degrading. And my wife will wonder why people are sending me stuff about Blondie. And I don't tell her and I feel like I'm cheating on her.

She only knows about your foot fetish and that type of stuff? She has no idea so dagwood's coming home he's got his briefcase and his jacket he's got a scowl on his face and he says i'm in such a rotten mood i could spit nails walks in the door and blondie who's got on a pink chiffon shirt, black skirt, high above her fucking sumptuous calves. And she's on her tiptoes leaning in. You know that kiss when they're on the tiptoes

and the bottom half of the calf almost creases? And his legs buckle as she reaches in and it says, kiss, kiss, kiss. She's making out with him. And she says, oh, darling, it's so wonderful to see you. Next frame, Dagwood standing there going, she just spoiled one of the best rotten moods I've ever had. Huh.

Well, fuck you, Dagwood. The glass is always half empty with that guy. I mean, if he could just for a moment get out of his own head, and if he could read the comic strip that he's in, I think he'd read it three or four times and go, I need to make some major changes. She better not read it. She'll leave that guy.

Yes, yes. Nobody needs perspective on this relationship. It's a one-sided relationship. It's almost like she's locked in the house and not exposed to the outside world and what her status would really be if she could be in public. And if you listen to this, your own podcast, and looked at this unbelievable obsession, you'd be like, I should share that with my family. They really don't know who I am. Mike, we did it. We did another Sunday paper.

You know what we do now? We take it, put a fish in it, we wrap it up a little bit. I make a high-tech, overthought, over-executed, giant paper airplane. I'm going to throw it off my balcony in the shape of a hat. It's going to fall on a guy. That's what I do with my paper. I take some of that silly putty. I rub it across the ink.

I make a little imprint on the silly putty. Yeah. Remember that? I get chicken wire. I make some sort of little, like a sculpture, and I cover it with this stuff and plaster a Paris, and I'm off to the races with my sculpture. And there we go.

Well, listen, folks, if you're enjoying the Sunday podcast, don't forget Thursday we give you a little 20-minute taste, a little bit more. Check it out. And then also check out our Instagram videos that come out on Sunday and, I don't know, Tuesday or Wednesday we do a second one on either of our Instagram. What's your Instagram feed, Mike? Gibbons Time.

Mine is Greg Fitzsimmons. Wow, wasn't taken. Okay, don't forget Fitz Dog Radio comes out on Wednesdays, Childish, every Tuesday with Alison Rosen, and we will catch you guys next time. All righty. Take it easy. God bless.

God bless. I can't believe the news today Hopefully Greg and Mike will make it feel okay How long? How long must Blondie wear that thong? How long? Well, God would start to yawn Make me a sandwich already today How long? Well, God would start to yawn.

Make me a sandwich already today. Make me a sandwich today. Come on. Yeah. Yeah. I'm making up some words right now. Right now. COVID is escaping us.

No way, no how. You're a stupid twat. I find that offensive. And if I said that, I'm going to apologize a lot. Sunday, Sunday papers. Sunday, Sunday papers. Sunday papers with my kids and my kids' siblings.