Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 220 6/16/24

Episode Date: June 16, 2024

A shocking discovery about Jesus having an erection, Jimmy Fallon will continue, a woman kills a man for not cleaning up (in guess what state?) and Gisele’s karate partner taps out after the roast.

Read all about it real read all about it read all about it we got news today it's summertime the newsboy has his hat off it's gay podcast oh my god that's what we need. A gay podcast? We need a gay guy on this podcast. Oh my God. You too. Here's the thing about gay guys. If you don't wanna get teased, stop acting so gay. You know, it's fun.

It's funny. What was the 60 Minutes clip? And it had- Oh, that was And it had a Leslie stall, right? But like, so it's a popular clip now going around line. But what it was that there is there a gene that makes their speech sound different? Yeah. And she's and he well, you saying yeah are you I don't oh

no I know and she picks she absolutely nails it as everyone would yeah but I want to yeah I should look that I wonder what that 60 minute story was actually saying I don't know idea the world has gotten out of control I got a friend who was just fired from a job for being supposedly sexist and racist when he was in a work environment. I'm not gonna I don't want to be specific about who it is. I'll tell you after the show and you're gonna be horrified. But a friend someone I know was fired. Yes. Okay all right. Yes and and it's like the things he said were so, no warning, no write up. Guy had been there for 12 years. And then my wife last night was at her read, she's in a book club.

And the book club is a bunch of women, West side women who only read Huck Finn every month because it has the n-word in it. So West Side and last night my wife they were talking about Wolf of Wall Street and she goes yeah well the you know and these schreisters and then this Jewish woman like yelled at her was like that's racist. That's anti-semitic and Erin's like I'm Jewish and she's and she's like yeah, but you're not practicing you you don't you're not a practicing and she's like I grew up on the Upper West Side of New York. It's a Yiddish word It's like part of the vernacular when you live and say well, it's it depicts Jews as Just like I'm done. The Jews came up with it. Yeah. Also, she's also she's also she's depriving

Aaron of Aaron's Jewishness. Yes, I know. And so Aaron was like, look, I'm half Jewish and half Catholic. I was rejected by both sides because I wasn't fully Jewish and I wasn't fully Catholic. Oh, my God, you fucking superstitious people, honestly. Ah, whatever. Just please put it in the background. I mean, it's your thing. It's your beliefs. We all believe in weird things, but

thing. It's your beliefs. We all believe in weird things, but just know that yours is is factually not real. Your belief is real. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. But stop walking around like it's real. Like there's a real things. I don't know. Well, anyway, that's about religion. But all right. So she doesn't like Scheister. Okay. You know, somebody pointed something out to me yesterday. I had I had a lovely coffee with a woman who is kind of an aspiring writer actress that I'm kind of mentoring a little bit. Her father mentored me. And her grandfather was my sponsor at the Friars Club. And she's an actress, I saw her in a play recently

in Tim Robbins has a theater company called The Actors Gang. And she was in it, she was fantastic. And I'm looking in the playbill and I was like, holy fucking shit. She has a very unusual last name. And I was like, oh my God, that's the daughter. So we met for coffee and and they represent as

they which is fine interesting to me you know what rather have coffee with somebody who's thinking outside the box a little bit who's exploring their identity what's the fucking hang up and And she was talking about J.K. Rawlings having this big problem with trans people and that she doesn't believe it. And it's like, you wrote seven books about people that fly on broomsticks. You live in a fantasy land.

Your mind can't grasp this possibility. They identify as wizards. Right. possibility they identify as wizards yeah yeah the whole religion thing is so crazy because it really is and you've got such a large faction of the country trying to make this a what's the phrase for it's a Judeo-Christian they're trying to make it a something Christian state what's that phrase yeah I don't know I mean I mean they want to 10 commandments in the fuck side of the fucking church and they they want to basically not teach any other religions except Christianity.

And it's like, all right, that's all fine and good. If you can prove scientifically that any of this shit is real. Even putting that aside, you know, it's, and a lot of scientists talk about it and a lot of people who debate with, uh, with religious people is it's incredibly insulting to think that humans needed the Ten Commandments, that we don't know what right or wrong is unless we're told and that we don't know killing our neighbor is wrong unless we're told by a man in the sky. Like it's it's just so insulting and it's so like what do you, how much of animal, like how close to animals do you really think humans are? Evolved humans with developed brains. It's also

interesting because like the Ten Commandments, I was raised on the Ten Commandments and I I was raised on the Ten Commandments and I I learned them I believe them and then I go back and I look at them and they're like oh it's kind of crazy like thou shalt not covet is two of them there's two covets all right so I'm just trying to look them up yeah you, you're a terrible Catholic. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. All right, that's self-fit. That's insecure. He's such a petty God. Oh my God, no other gods before me. And by the way, if you do, he's gonna burn you forever. Yeah, yeah, it's like, were you talking to that guy at the party and then and they keep the keep the Sabbath day, holy how many of these Christians are

Really? Honoring the Sabbath day. Are you shitting me and and why what does that even mean? First of all some of this stuff I think is really good if you were to look at it from an eastern peaceful like think is really good if you were to look at it from an Eastern peaceful, like, um, holistic thing, like, okay, great. Take a day off. I love that. I love don't covet other people's things because, you know, the

jealousy destroys you, right? Compare and despair. Why are they all so negative? What about framing it as positive? Yeah. Be generous. Commit adultery. Yeah. Honor, honor, honor life like honor, you know, respect all life instead of don't kill your neighbor. Right.

Now you planted an idea in my head. Well, speaking of honoring your honoring your parents is one of them. On your dad. It's Father's Day on Sunday. What do you got planned? Yeah, right. It's the well Happy Father's Day, everybody. Father's Day, everybody. It's today. Oh, it's today. Yeah, it's today. Yeah, I'm going to it's called the Sunday papers, Greg. Yeah, I'm going out. I mean, it's today. Yeah, it's today. It's today, yeah. I'm going out. It's called the Sunday Papers, Greg. I'm going out.

I mean, it's Friday as we're recording this. So, Sophie and I are gonna go out to dinner. I'm flying back from, I'm in Nashville today, flying back Sunday morning. And then, yeah, finding something to do for Father's Day. Lovely, where do you wanna go? Yeah, I mean, you get to pick. I do, but my daughter is a celiac, like a real one, not

like someone who prefers gluten free. So it's first of all, I never care where we go. So I am letting her pick but she's like, Dad, it's your day. I'm like, Okay, then you pick another. Do that. I get to make the call you pick. Well, I get breakfast in bed which is a tradition in this family we all get breakfast in bed on our birthdays father's day mother's day and then we're gonna go on a hike together and then I will go get my massage and then perhaps make it over to Penn Marta

watch the end of the US Open with Gubbins and the rest of you idiots. Oh, you won't be. You'll be there, you'll be there. Maybe, yeah. Just get there by like three o'clock. Nope, won't be there then. I'll be connecting in Dallas,

cause flights were, who knew so many people were traveling on Father's Day. Yeah, right? I know. So I'm connecting, ugh. But anyway, yeah, this golf thing. I have a story in there later in sports about how impossible this goddamn course is, I guess. Wait, can we go back to Father's Day for a second?

OK, if we have to, I just want to tell a very sweet story. Well, it's a heartfelt story. You remember our friend Kevin Lynch? His father died on Father's Day. Yeah. And it was devastating because we were all, you know, like 21 years old or whatever. Yeah.

And I wrote my dad a letter and I said, my friend Kevin's dad just died and I can't help but thinking about how he would have wished he had probably told him he loved him more. And so writing to tell you how much I love you is very heartfelt very you know emotional my dad never acknowledged it never said a word I say it was very hard for my dad to do that and then when he died I found the letter in his desk like in the top drawer of his desk yeah Yeah. Opened?

No. He had written some bets. The third at Aqueduct. Princess Ploy. Giant list of OTB wagers. Right, right. Honey's Delight. Couple of coffee cup rings.

A phone number of some woman I called. She hung up on me. But he got it. Damn it. He got it. He received it. You know. Now, that is that is that's perfect. That's like the that's a great ending, like for a short story almost. Yeah. So US Open.

My cousin, Danny McCarthy, was five over in the first round. I don't know how he's doing today, but wait, might that be good? I'm not following it at all. Now, five five under is the lead, but but it's thin. There's people that are 15 over. It's a really tough course. Yeah, that's what I'm gathering. Everyone's like, it's putting is is so difficult.

Yeah. I'm looking up how we did today. It was open leaderboard. Well, while we're talking about it, we don't have to do it later. Right. In sports. Yeah, I came across this story that said, what's, nope, not that. What would a 15 handicap shoot at Pinehurst under the US Open conditions? And this guy, I don't know him. Radcliffe, is he a professional golfer?

Don't know. He goes triple digits a 15 handicap set up for the US Open is no way breaking a hundred he said Playing the US Open tease man. I'd say they shoot 110 no shit Wow Yeah, you don't understand when you play these tournaments. I think it's in it's a Carolina, right? And what would a 15 handicap be normally 87 no you don't get every stroke over they give you like 80% like say the par for the course is 70 and you average 85 you don't get a 15 handicap you get like a 12 handicap. Okay so maybe it's 90. Yeah I mean what they do is they grow the grass and the rough extremely long and you get down to that

part of the country and that is some dark green rubbery rough and if your ball is buried in it it's so hard to get it out of there and then they trim the greens down to the fucking Floor where there's they're so fast that if you don't bounce it short and run it up it runs right off the green And then they put the T's all the way back and it's it's brutal and it's already Was it pinehurst is that the course? Yeah, it's already an extremely hard course. Right. Well, I would be terrible because when I play good courses, I all of us when it's real and the greens are real compared to Penn Mar.

Yeah, I am. I am grateful for a three putt. Yeah. Oh, Denny did really well today. He was three under. So now he's in 29th place, 28th place. And it's only Friday. He's ranked one of the top 30 players in the world, and he's always in the top 30 in these tournaments. I mean, do I need to write him my suggestion, my million, billion dollar idea for him?

Well, I'd say tens of million dollar idea for him. All right. Well, I'd say tens of million dollar idea for him. He's got to get with engineers and make a putter, his putter. Yeah, that's a great idea. I know. Yep. Make it exactly what he likes, that's it. Put his name on it.

You sell the putter and it comes with maybe a little pamphlet on his putting rituals Because he becomes a he becomes a greenskeeper when he's out there Yeah, he really is a fucking mathematician. He gets down on all fours. He circles it a couple times. He oh He tamps it down. He comes down the path on the way down. Yeah Anyway, we've bored the way down. Yeah. Yeah Anyway, we've bored the shit out of people. Let's talk golf golf Tom Brady Tom Brady little football yeah, so my boyfriend called me back and On Sunday and goes hey I decided I'd take you up on your offer

So wait, so you so you heard that Tom Brady was gonna be be making a speech so you reached out to him? No No, I had no idea. I mean I knew this was coming because when we did the roast a lot of people like Peyton Manning were like, you know, I'm gonna be at the Patriots even though they said it was a surprise this week a Months ago Peyton Manning's like, you know, I'm already showing up for him at the Patriots Hall of Fame. So I don't know if I can make this. And and then it was like craft wasn't going to come because all these dudes were getting together, you know, at the today or this week. It was Wednesday night actually at the Patriots Hall of Fame induction ceremony for Tom Brady. So anyway, Sunday he goes, Hey, man, decide to get on my offer. And the offer was after the roast ended, you know, I thanked him and everything

and told him how well he did and then said, listen, if you ever need anything, you know, going, you know, in the future or help on anything, you know, I'm definitely happy to help. So. And so then I so I go to him. All right. Yeah. How can I help? And he's like, and he sends me a voice memo. And then it's more disorganized than you and I. Like it was blurted out like kids and then like, thank kids.

After parents like it was the craziest like string of. But but I get it it like he's walking around this phone and he's just like remembering things and he's just like recording them into his phone and I was like, Oh, okay. Are these like is there also a speech that you want me to add? He's like, No, that's it. So anyway, he had other people I could tell helping them as well. I mean, I shouldn't say that I mean unless he he did everything else on his own, but And dickie helped me out a lot dickie. First. He wanted more jokes. He wanted jokes

Yeah, he had none he wanted jokes and then he wrote back like, you know, actually this is a little too jokey Oh, and I was like kind of agreeing the second half of what I wrote was heartfelt anyway, but um, oh, that's nice That's exciting. Yeah, well, he, that's nice. That's exciting. Yeah. Well, he's probably got the bug now after the roast, he probably like, you know, he tasted it. That, you know, that's an exciting thing to stand in front of that many people and crush.

I will say, yeah. And my line has gotten quoted, uh, in a bunch of articles, which was good, which was just how he ended it. I mean, I think no matter what he put there would have been quoted. But I think the roast is aging well because all everyone so knows their story more now, you know, the story of all the guys. And so like when Randy Moss was he was took the stage with other receivers and someone was interviewing all the receivers. And when they got to Randy Moss, he's like, and it was like crazy ovation.

Randy Moss cried. The ovation was so strong and then apologized and said, I'm sorry, like he goes, this is Tom's day. Please let me get back to Tom like on that. And you know, every Gronk would have gotten the love anyway, but then Drew Bledsoe like is like, you know, who did so well. And everyone sees what an amazing sport he was to be such a team player when all that happened. And so anyway, I think I think things like this, I think it's aging well, which is great. So is this going to be televised or is this just like an internal Patriots Hall of Fame? It was on YouTube live and it was on the Patriots website. I craft had thought about it, but I think the

I know he was shopping it around or I heard that. I don't know that I heard that he was maybe shopping around a few months ago. But I think the roast hurt the market for something like this. So anyway, it went on YouTube live. So you didn't write any Robert Kraft jokes? I did not write any Robert Kraft jokes. Hey, let's all give Robert Kraft a hand. He's been giving hands in the past.

I did write his line though, that he came in there, like Brady wrote the line, you know, when he got there, he was an immature, you know, 21 year old or 22 year old. And when he left, he was an immature 43 year old or whatever it was. So that was Brady's line actually. And I he left, he was an immature 43 year old or whatever it was. So that was Brady's line, actually. And I go, but then I quickly added. But when I was here, a family took me in and that family showed me, you know, ba ba ba ba. And that's how he gets into the craft. So he did that, which was great. Nice. Yeah. So but it was

good. His speech was good. You know, there was some things in it that I didn't totally love. Like he speaks a little like a corporate motivational speaker because that's his world now. Yeah. Well, I'm back. Did I talk to you about the Bert tour? No. Well, you talked about it on the podcast, but not what's coming up. Oh, I talked about it, okay. So coming up is I'm flying to Pittsburgh and then there's a show there and then taking the bus up to Buffalo doing a show there. And then apparently, Bert wants to go to Nashville where you are now to do a beer festival and so they reached out to me to see if Burt

texted me do you want to do it like I was like well I don't drink but I'll go and then I look at his tour schedule he's in Lima Ohio that night the beer festivals in Nashville it's six hours away, but it starts in the morning. So he wants to drive past Ohio. He wants to go from Buffalo through Ohio and then another six hours to do a morning beer festival and back to Nashville for a fucking arena show that night. He's insane. Buffalo to Nashville is long. Yeah.

Yeah. And I know you're outside Buffalo or whatever it is, but yeah, it doesn't matter. Adjacent counts. So I'm looking it up. Buffalo to Nashville. And we got the wow, it's all it only puts up flights it's ten and a half hours ten half hours and then you got to go yeah and then you got to double back anyway exactly the way you came right all right let's give some love to Jane S who's done a number of fine logos for us and some songs

but wait hold on I'm interrupting. It's some for some weird reason. I had a question. What is halfway between Buffalo and Nashville? So I clicked on it. Columbus, Ohio. Halfway. Yeah. So there's the Mike and Fitz. What's he with those jelly Fitz. What's the what? Those jelly beans.

What were those called? Yeah. Well, I should know. I've never, ever eaten them. It was Mike and something. Ike, Ike, Ike. And yeah, I'll get it right now. OK, so I've never eaten them. So it's not like I'm having a giant brain fart.

I've never been. It's like Ike and some Ike and Mike's Mike like I can some I can Mike's Mike and I think it's Mike and Ike's yeah the song this week from Devin Smith kind of a funky alt country vibe Mike and I Ricks thank you so much for that always looking for more songs from you guys we love them we've been doing this show do you know we've been doing the show for four years? No. We started in 2020. No wonder we're mailing it in now. And so that should be our logo, just a stamp. So we always look, and we've never

repeated a song in four years, thanks to you guys. So thank you. Unbelievable. Corrections, this guy, Tim Dilley, who we played golf with at Penn Mar, he was the guy that bid the most in an auction. He gave money to people who needed it during the strike. Yep.

And so he said that's not us, by the way, which we are part of those people, but we didn't get any of it. Greg, wow, that was a doozy. Herb Kahn was a celebrated columnist in San Francisco for decades. He wrote a three dot column every day. Everyone started their morning reading Herb Kahn. He was from Sacramento, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

He engaged in the nightlife of San Francisco in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. Anyway, he led a campaign that said, don't call it Frisco but your mistake was called him heard con it's Kane those spelled con okay got it Tim well there are a lot of cons just dropped just now but okay Tyler said hey Greg probably the 300th person hitting you up but Rob Schneider wasn't given the hook from a Hollywood benefit. It was a hospital benefit in Regina, Saskatchewan. I call it Regina. Imagine telling anti-vaccine jokes to a room full of medical

professionals would go over as well as a Rob Schneider movie. Has he made any good movies? I have no idea. I don't know. I mean you know he's in grown-ups and all that stuff. He's a hell of a saver. No but ones that he's the lead in. I feel like he did. I feel like he did one or two that were good. Alright I'm looking it up. You keep going. Also Regina is pronounced exactly as your inner 12 year old child hopes it would be pronounced Regina. A lot of pronunciation. Daniel Preston says you do good morning Greg notice everybody addresses me you and Mike were wondering oh good the correct correct the correct pronunciation of Tadeski trucks according to brother Weez a radio host

in Rochester New York it is pronounced Tadeshky Trucks. Hopefully you were saying Tadeshi. Hopefully this helps both of you and I can agree with Mike they're awesome. All right. All week I thought I was like I mentioned last week I'm like I really don't know. And meanwhile they're my new favorite band to see live. But it's a big chain of stores, you know, right?

Like 7-Eleven types, aren't they? Tadeski in New England. I don't know them. But when I was there. But it's yeah, I don't remember either. But it's a little softer now, I guess. Tadeski. Like it seems like it's split. It seems like it's splitting the difference. It's a little bit like take it easy. Take it easy. All All right Schneider movies. Oh

The hot chick, I think he might have anchored the hot chick The animal I'm skipping by the way half of his movies are Sandler movies. So here we go I'm just looking at posters. The Animal, Hot Chick, Sandler, Sandler, Sandler, Sandler, Sandler, Deux Pigalo. That's the one everyone's been waiting for us to say. Oh, that was his big way. Right. Deux Pigalo. Then there's Grandma's, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then there's Big Stan from 2007. And then there's lots of other movies growing up.

There's the Chosen One. He's the lead of the Chosen One. I think that's back when he was Jewish. I chose none. Yeah. And then we got to do Daddy Daughter Trip. He looks like he's the star of that. No, it's funny. I went out the other night. Aaron was out, and I ran into Josh Gold, and he's like, hey, why don't you come over for a movie

tonight? I said, great. What do you want to watch? He goes, let's watch a Woody Allen movie. So I come over, and we couldn't find one that we both had. I was amazed. Woody Allen's made 56 movies, and we're both looking at the list. And I'm like, I've seen 48 of these 56 movies. And I remember almost all of them. And then we found one that we both hadn't seen.

Or I think I had seen it, but didn't remember it called Alice from the 90s. It was a Mia Farrow movie. Yeah. I think I saw that. Yeah. So generally, what's it about? It's about a woman. He is such a fetish for rich Manhattanites, like Upper East Siders. Wasn't she really sheepish?

I mean, that's her. That's the actress, too. She was a little sheepish, yeah. She was a spoiled rich wife who had a heart, and she has an affair with Joe Montagna. And it is a very simple story. It's just all character. There's no beat story.

Someone told me it's a new one. Someone told me Woody Allen's new one is good. But anyway. But the thing about him is it's shot like a play. All the shots are wide, unless he's making you fall in love with Mia Farrow when he gets in really tight on her face. But when there's dialogue, it's shot like a play and there's no cutaways. It's generally one long shot.

And it draws you in and he's talking about love and life and God. You finish a Woody Allen movie, you need to talk to the people you just saw it with for at least 45 minutes. Just the ideas that bubble up. And this is a comedy, you know? And so we talk about it for 45 minutes and then I walk home from his house

and I'm thinking about it the whole walk home. And then I sit down and Owen is inside and he's watching this Will Ferrell movie called Semi-Pro. And he's laughing his ass off. And I mean, I watched 15 minutes of it. There is such a fucking glut of garbage comedies from the last 20 years of these. And look, I'm not one to shit on Adam Sandler.

I think he's really talented. I think he's done a lot of good stuff, but a lot of his stuff falls into this like it's gross-out fratty dumb Scene heavy movies where it's just like all right. Let's make a big funny scene. We won't really make it into a movie We'll just do a bunch of like crazy wacky scenes that a bunch of people in a room punch up and and make silly and There's no substance to it. I was just like this is so sad that he's not sitting here pouring through the Woody Allen anthology You know, right?

Yeah, I mean, oh god, especially his early stuff Yeah, I mean he oh in his scene take the money and run right? No I I am remiss in showing him the early Woody Allen movies. Oh when I when my girls were really young probably definitely too young I showed them Sleeper but just because of all the slapstick comedy and then I realized like you know. Well Sleeper has the orgasm-tron in it doesn't it? I know I know yeah there was that were there were a lot of things when they were young. I remember I couldn't wait to show them Austin Powers and the opening of Austin Powers was like this gadget that made your penis bigger.

And it was like something like, Daddy, what's that? My God, I think it's a British thing. I don't know what it is. It's hilarious. Yeah, I got some tour dates. New dates just came in. I will be, as I said in Pittsburgh and Buffalo, I will be on the Joe Rogan Experience on August 13th,

promoting my new special that comes out that week. So more details to come on that, but we're going to set up. You were looking to title it. Yeah, I think I'm settling on you voted for this. I think I'm gonna call it um You know me?

You know me. You know me. I like that one. Yeah, I had a few, but yeah I think that's a good one. And then I've got the Denver Comedy Works August 29th through the 31st which is Labor Day weekend, so don't go into the mountains that weekend. Stay home and watch me. Then I'll be at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, September 6th through the 8th. Then I'm going to Alaska and San Francisco.

FitzDog.com. Get your tickets now. All these shows will sell out. There is no doubt, there's some doubt, but there is little doubt that they will sell out. All right. Let's get to the front page. Now they will. Oh I just got a piece of paper, you kidding me? We are the Fonics, next to us. Okay, not a funny story, but I thought this was cool, so I put it in here. I thought this was very cool. The poor Sandy Hook families. Well, the victims are remembered on a day on the day they would have graduated.

More than 11 years after one of the worst school shootings in US history on what would have been the victims high school graduation day, the residents of Newtown, Connecticut paused to reflect. So I just thought that was so cool. And I mean, that school is forever changed. It's I don't even know what that grade I don't even know how that happened, like how they continued on like that. And do you think when they say on the day they would have graduated,

they should put an asterisk and go like, except for Keith Martin, he seemed like he probably wasn't going to graduate. I think they were all thinking that Greg, probably they, of course. And this was sweet. Alex Jones was the commencement speaker. Oh, that's amazing. How did they get him? Well, it's part of How did they get him? Well, it's part of his community service. It's part of his plea deal.

He has to go overboard in recognizing that it actually happened. And he's doing 400 hours of community service. So he did a 20 hour speech just to kill some. Just to knock it down. Yeah, I were moving on. Rare on let's move on quickly. Rare Antelope dies after choking on plastic cap from squeezable pouch at the zoo. Bright's a zoo right here in Limestone, Tennessee.

I have no idea where Limestone is. Prohibits visitors from bringing squeezable baby food pouches, plastic straws, glass bottles, and other items it says pose a risk to animal safety near its habitats. Leaf, which is the name of the rare antelope, died after veterinarians could not dislodge the cap he reportedly ingested in his enclosure. It's tough to get a Heimlich maneuver to an animal with horns on its head. He said it appeared that a zoo guest had snuck in the pouch despite bag searches and likely threw the lid into the exhibit. Baby humans are the worst. They

almost kill their parents, we've been through it, and now they kill beloved animals. Yeah, they're killing machines. been through it, and now they kill beloved animals. Yeah, they're killing machines. Killing machines! Oh, they kill moms giving birth sometimes? I love that this is a big deal. Meanwhile, on a game ranch outside the zoo, game hunters can pick these fuckers off

for like five grand a pop. They're deer, they're just fucking deer. In Memphis, people are just shooting humans every day. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone. Guns stolen out of cars is like one of the biggest problems here. It's insanity. Oh, no kidding. Oh, no, no, they passed a law. So you want to know what they actually proposed?

And I don't even think this so. Violent crime with stolen handguns is a very big issue here and murders, murders with stolen handguns. And one of the biggest ways are stolen is from cars. So what is Tennessee? But they put their heads together and what they come up with a lockbox in the car. That's that's what you're going gonna do. That's breaking like at least three commandments right there. You're coveting what's in the car, you're

stealing the gun, and then you're committing murder, and then you're probably lying about it later. In the Bible Belt. That's right. This next story comes to you from the Catholic. The Bible Belt. Catholic priest claims Jesus died with an erection, gets a rise out of his congregation. All right, finally I'm interested in the readings. Go ahead. He's lucky to have his job after bizarrely telling his congregation in the UK that Jesus died with an erection. Father Thomas MacCale, Jesus died with an erection. Father Thomas MacKayle, an American, was subject to investigation after delivering this stiff sermon. Can you tell this was a New York Post story? Yeah. Over Easter weekend to roughly a hundred shocked parishioners, there was young families there. The

Reverend 53 said Jesus would have died with an erection due to the violent execution method that killed him. Blood would have rushed to his lower body as he hung on the crucifix. That's why I never do pull-ups. It's just the post-mortem erections are common in corpses of men who have died from hanging or other forms of suffocation as with crucifixion according to some studies but look he really he really did rise from the dead his cock ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the father maybe he got an erection before he died did the priest ever think of that maybe the other two bandits who were being crucified on either side of them

got erections when they died. And that's I mean, that's an undeniable turn on Jesus loved everybody. Yeah. And Barabbas, I don't know if you've seen oil paintings of him. Good looking dude. Well, is the guy going to leave out that he probably pooped his sarong also? Yeah, right. Let's get in all the details here. And yeah, why isn't his face blue in the picture?

It's like it's got a beautiful he's got white skin, which is odd considering where this happened, but not blue. Right. And also, like he must have had a pretty small cock because you can't see it on a crucifix if it were on the crucifix Italian people would be tearing the collars of their cheap knit sweaters all around the world nice it must have been torture for Jesus to be like hanging on that cross and that rock hard erection pops up

and he can't reach down and grab it. That's, that was worse than dragging that cross. What about seeing the shroud of his erection? I mean, that has to be somewhere. Right? Your mail can be sent to fitsdogRadio at gmail.com. There it is. All right.

I loved this story and it's not slamming Trump. Everyone calm down. So right back at you, buddy, is what the Milwaukee mayor responded to Trump. So Mayor Kavali Johnson, you think it's Cavalier or Cavalier? Probably Cavalier if it's in the air. Yeah. Anyway, Mayor Johnson clapped back Thursday to former President Donald Trump, who labeled Milwaukee, quote, a horrible city.

Oh, Donald Trump is talking about things that he thinks are horrible. All of us live through his presidency. So right back at you, buddy, Johnson said. Donald Trump once again is wrong about something, the mayor said, and that shouldn't be news, new news, especially for somebody who's proven track record of lying about a number of things. So I find it. This is the best.

I find it kind of strange that he would insult the largest city in Wisconsin because he's running for president, Johnson said. To insult the state that's hosting your convention. I think it's kind of bizarre. And it is interesting. Yeah, I don't think there's a lot of planning with Trump. You know, his did you see his teleprompter went out this week? And he started talking about electric boats.

And would you get electrocuted or should you swim away? Or would you get, I mean, this is a great week for both candidates. He's talking about whether or not you'd get electrocuted in an electric boat. And Biden is literally walking away into a field during a photo op and they had to go get him and turn him around and then he's at a podium and somebody turns around and shakes his hand and then they shake two other people's hands that are standing next to him

and then Biden puts his hand back out again to get a handshake from the guy. I mean, what do we what do we got here? I know. I mean, I do think Trump's, you know, people like his everyone on his campaign team probably are like, wait, what? What did he just say? Like Wisconsin is a valuable state in this election, you know? I mean, I don't know how close it is to being turned, but you don't want to insult, basically call it horrible. Well, I would tell people, do not miss my special that comes out in August, but also do not miss these debates.

It is going to be a fucking train wreck. Both parties are just gonna be biting their nails going, don't say something insane. a fucking train wreck. Both parties are just gonna be biting their nails going, don't say something insane. CNN offered that they could be sitting down during the debates. That's the state of affairs. Well, that would probably help Biden

because if you remember the Hillary Clinton Trump debate, he stalked her around the stage and I think it actually really helped him. Oh wow. All right, we're moving on entertainment. Not that that wasn't. All right, let's do it. Here it is.

Jimmy Fallon has extended his deal with NBC Universal, which will now see him hosting the Tonight Show through 2028. Thank God for comedy. The company announced Thursday, so he I've heard he just fired five writers. And if you watch the show, you think he had less than that to begin with. Seth Meyers, who was renewed, just fired his band. And the no joke, but these are the very last gasps

of late night network TV for sure. Well, I don't know. I found I don't know if he signed his contract yet because Leno just dyed his hair. He's driving. He's driving a fire truck to New York. Let's see. Steal it away. He's going to get it back. He is going to get it back. I mean, I'm not going to make fun of any late-night shows right now

because, as I said, I have a new special coming out in August, and I'm going to be trying to get on these shows to promote it. I mean, I guess some of Fallon's writers write, like, how you are when you see your bestie, and then he with like Meghan Trainor, like, ah, in the green room. And I know, it sounds like, because I'm talking about comedy,

I'm building to like it had an end. That was it. It was like a Calvin and Hobbes. Jesus, are we already at, we're already at Make America Florida. Let's go. Florida woman 71 shot man to death. A 71 year old Florida woman was arrested on allegations of shooting and killing a man

because quote, he did not clean up after himself, police said. I think a lot of moms would like to point to this woman and tell their kids about it. Patricia Whitehead was arrested on a charge of first degree murder in connection with the shooting. Authorities said an investigating showed Whitehead and the man shared a residential space and she became angry with him, claiming he did not clean up after himself police said the man was leaving the home when white

her head heard the door slam she retrieved a gun from her bedroom and shot the man multiple times sounds like the only thing he cleaned was that fucking gun yeah she she may have put herself in jail, but she just did a solid for every woman in Florida with a messy husband. They are leaving that article laying around on the kitchen counter. I mean, 71. What? Yeah, this is crazy. Apparently it had been building.

Oh, yeah, I hope. I hope it started with little rappers, maybe a couple of pistachio nuts were left out on the counter. Yeah. Well, that's the thing about I mean, look, I don't want to fall into like tropes about men being messy, but like a man will be as messy as you allow him to be. If you get if you put up with the pistachio shells, the next week it'll be coffee grounds on the counter.

It's like, we will do what we need to do to not get yelled at, and that's it. Some comedian, and I have no idea who it was, but said something really funny, and oh my god, did it resonate with me in my 20s. I was probably in my mid to late 20s. But he's like, I came home the other day and my girlfriend was cleaning the bathroom floor and I was like, are we moving? That's hilarious. Yeah, the only time something like that was done in my life was trying to

save a security deposit. Do you know that my sister who I just hung out with last week in New York I did a show in Mamaroneck. Yeah. But she has a big-ass house because her husband is a builder he's a construction guy and he built the house from scratch, Rob. And it's a three story, no four story house big and she has never had a cleaning woman once in her life she I call her I call her the sponge because she's always got a sponge in her hands and always wiping something down and he fixes whether it's the air conditioning or the plumbing or a window, like he fixes everything. She cleans everything.

Wow. I called my kids the opposite of Roombas because they just went around all day automatically messing everything up. That's what they were. All right, we're going to make Texas, Florida. were. All right, we're going to make Texas, Florida. Texas man charged with threatening an FBI agent over the Hunter Biden case. So when I read this, I was like, huh, so this Texas guy who threatened the FBI agent, he's he's angry that Hunter Biden is being investigated. I was wrong. According to the criminal complaint, Mueller, the guy on June 11th, called an FBI agent who had been assigned to investigate the laptop belonging to Hunter Biden. When the agent disconnected the call, Mueller called again

and left a threatening voice message. Biden on June 11th was, okay, so Biden was convicted. But okay, here is a transcript of the message he left. And it's redacted in places, but I can kind of make out the curse words, I think, in every case anyway. Hey, you little cocksucking pussy.

That's the that's the open. I wonder if you had chat. GPT write this for. Yeah. And wonder if you had chat, she beats you like this for. Yeah. And now, by the way, you're already listed to a very high level by the FBI this far into the message. Yeah. You send that the FBI is listening. If that's your opener to the FBI, they are listening. Hey, you little cocksucking pussy. You can run, but you can't fucking hide.

You covered up child pornography. You covered up H.B. Hunter Biden raping his own fucking niece. You piece of fucking degenerate shit. So here's how it's going to go. T is going to win the reelection and then we're going to fucking go through the FBI and start throwing you cocksuckers into jail. Or you can steal another election and then the guns will come out and will hunt you cocksuckers down and slaughter you like the traitorous dogs you are in your own fucking homes. Damn. If you're own in your own fucking beds, the last thing you'll ever hear are the horrified shrieks of your widow and orphans.

Correction that would still be a wife at that point, and they would. Yes, I know. What an idiot. What? What an idiot. I mean, he he was such a rational guy up to that point. And then you know what we're going to do? Isn't that enough? Then we're going gonna string those fucking cocksuckers up

We're gonna slaughter your whole effing family you effing Pedophile now he's a pedophile. It's like that now so choose Jail or getting strung up and lynched like the effing trader you are That's what happens when you cover up for effing pedophiles, you piece of effing ass. I decided I hit my limit on curses, so I wasn't going to say anymore. Here's the thing. If there is a civil war, and I think it's hard to, it's not hard to see that that's going to happen at some point in the not so distant future. OK, the Democrats are fucking dead.

The the right is fucking they are angry and seemingly pretty violent. And the Democrats would be like, you know, we feel like you're you're you're you're pushing our buttons. You're what's the word you're you're you're you're pushing our buttons you're what's the word you're you're provoking you're provoking me oh my god they've got all the guns i don't think so i don't think the right would win i don't think they have enough uh manpower and this is why too many of the people that love Trump are doing a lot aren't doing well like this poor gentleman, but a lot are doing well and they don't want it changed. They don't want any of the liberal policies affecting their quality of life.

They don't they don't want to give many more money to the government. And so they're not going to unless that's going to be completely away and and you give them nothing to lose That's my point. That's the shortest way of saying it. They have things to lose Yeah, I think I think like getting violent on a civil war is is a move of a someone who has nothing to lose All right, let's get to sports where everybody has something to lose including a little crinkle. Alright, Ray Jesperson says, uh, sincere question. What's the upside of this fight for Jake Paul? He's either going to beat or get beaten by a guy well old enough to be his father. Seems to me the optics make him look bad either way. I could not agree more. I mean,

Well, it's an easy answer. Money. He doesn't need the money. Jake Paul's fucking rich beyond what he could ever spend. Well, those guys don't know that. There's a drive. It's an addiction. I mean look at what everyone, look what billionaires keep doing for money. Yeah I know. But yeah you're gonna beat up the most beloved. I mean already Tyson was respected but then he sort of like went to jail and then resurrected himself as this spiritually beautiful guy who everybody adores and you're gonna beat him up and possibly knock him out at the age of what is he he's in his 50s at this point right oh late 50s I think yeah seven or eight nine. The best thing Jake Paul could do is take a dive. No, the best thing is Jake Paul can fight him and hopefully Tyson

just smashes his head in. No, that's what I'm saying. Well, not that not lose on purpose, though. Yeah. I got to say, Jake Paul has beaten some pretty formidable people. He's, I don't know what Tyson's chances are. I see his training videos. He's training like a fucking beast.

You looking at the odds? He's 58 years old in a few days. Oh my God. What are the odds on the fight? And he's going to be 58 and a half when they fight. Yeah. I don't know. But, you know, we had the contract leak, right?

And there's incentive. Tyson gets paid the least amount of money if it ends in the first round. Even if he knocks him out in the first round, say like there's incentive, you know, he's incentivized like a true business here to go the distance. I know, but couldn't Tyson bet everything on himself

knocking the guy out in the first round? Well, it says here Jake Paul is a 210 point favorite. So if you bet 100 you win 210 I believe. Is that how it works? No, you have to bet 210 to win 100 if he's the favorite I think. Okay. That sounds weird but okay. I told you during the roast he he was supposed to be on the roast. He was going to do the opening and now it's all that stuff. And he was training wherever he was training and we zoomed with him and he was in bed. And when I mean in bed, I don't mean like he was sitting up in bed because he had just

trained. He, his head was on the pillow and he talked to us and he said, he's sorry. He's like, he's like, they're just beating me up and training so bad. OK, and I just finished my afternoon session. So at that point, my mind raced and I'm like, I don't know what. I don't know if I bet everything on him winning or losing. He's either taking training so seriously. I'm getting excited about him winning or he can't handle it.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah, I mean, I know't... This doesn't make sense. I mean, you're gonna beat up a guy who was a champion 30 years ago? And then what's the after party? You gonna have sex with Barbara Eden from I Dream of Jeannie? Yeah.

Yeah, you're gonna beat up a guy who other people beat up that many years ago, like. It's not like he went out on top and was like formidable. Yeah, yeah. I got here, Brady Roast. The Brady Roast on Netflix was too much for ex-wife Giselle Boonchin to handle, it seems. And if not for her, then her boyfriend.

Apparently Joaquin Valente was so upset by the roast that the couple has split. The quote, the spotlight was too much for him, the source said. Joaquin's regular guy, he's not used to all the attention he was getting. Joaquin became part of the joke the source added. People actually started asking him if it was a reason for the divorce. He hated that and Boonchin was not too happy either. She blames the break on Tom by agreeing to do the roast. He basically put a target on Joaquin's back. I think maybe fucking him might have put a little bit of a tar back as well. So I guess they and then whatever.

There's a bunch of jokes. Everybody knows the jokes that were told. I don't need to reread them, I don't think. Yeah. Yeah. Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart leaned into it. Well, who should not be throwing stones. About what he famously cheated and got caught. Oh, he did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Jesus.

Well, you know, these guys, these guys, I really do believe like for a guy like me to say, I've never cheated on my wife. People go like, well, yeah, OK. But when somebody who's like Kevin Hart doesn't cheat, people are like, wow, that's pretty impressive. You know? The guy who looks like he was playing arenas and is going to Hollywood parties every night didn't cheat?

That's exceptional. Meanwhile, me, I'm sleeping on a bus with Bert Kreischer. No one's getting laid on that bus The Jumanji actor issued a public apology in 2017 after he cheated on his wife when she was eight months pregnant with their first At the time he addressed the subsequent Extortion attempts that took place and how his wife held him accountable. So then the headline is Kevin Hart sues his former assistant and YouTuber, Tasha K for

extortion. So I guess maybe he came clean after he was being extorted. That's the move. You can't, you can't pay into the extortionist because that's going to hang over you for the rest of your life because it's not like the old days where you know you could get the evidence and burn it now it's digital they what are you going to collect at the meeting spot what's going to be in the brown bag that you exchanged the hundred thousand in cash for a thumb drive with a video that's living on his computer. A thumb drive with a video that's living on his computer. Kevin Hart suspected of cheating on his wife again was this article. Oh boy. I don't know what it was. There's a pic. Listen, all I know is he wants to be with her, I think, his wife, because I see a photo of him here and let's just say he really looks up to his wife. Okay. Too easy. Too easy. What are we doing? Let's do international. Alright, here we go.

Alright. As world leaders gather in Italy, as my mom says because she's from the Bronx, for a summit addressing entrenched global crises, Pope Francis hosted an international gathering of a different sort on Friday to broadcast his own message of the importance of humor. He hosted the equivalent of a conclave of comedians in the Vatican by inviting Whoopi Goldberg, Jimmy Fallon, Julia Louis Dreyfus, Chris Rock, Stephen Colbert, Conan O'Brien, and others to the Vatican. Notice no Jewish comedians. Over 200 people were in the audience.

Whoopi Goldberg. Over 200 people were in the audience. Dreyfus. Jeez, that's not Jewish. Oh, I thought she was, all right. No. With more than 100 comedians from 15 countries. All right, first of all, I know they're going for,

he's in Italy, he's fucking, what is he, Brazilian or whatever, Argentinian? So he's gotta make it an international conclave of comedians, but there's only four countries that have funny comedians. The US, Canada, England, and Australia. Am I missing one? I don't think so, but Julia's paternal grandmother was Brazilian Jewish.

Just so you know. She's barely Jewish is what the internet says. Barely Jewish. Yeah, just so you know. She's barely Jewish is what the Internet's barely Jewish. She can't say she's nailed every country. They say shyster. Don't say shyster. I think you got every cut. No, come on. What countries did you say?

America, America, Canada, Australia and England. Oh, Ireland and Ireland. The Anglo countries. No I'm not including England with Ireland they're two separate countries. No what I'm saying is you chose all white English speaking countries. Yes that is correct. I didn't choose New Zealand. You don't think Spain and Mexico have good comedians? Nope. You don't think Italy? Nope. They have clowns. I've seen, I've seen, I've seen Mexican TV. They all have... French has, France has funny people, historically funny writers. Yeah. Maybe. Germany, no. Germany definitely not. China, you think there's a single Asian comic

that's that that could do stand up comedy in the U.S. and get laughs? Jackie Chan. What do you mean? What's his name from Hong Kong? Is it Chen Chang? I'm forgetting his name. Very funny. Ronnie, there's a lot. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's funny. There's a lot of fun. I'm just being stupid right now. I'm sure this funny coming.

But the point is, I guess before the proceedings got underway, Fallon was seen larking around at the front of the audience hall before quickly being told to get to his seat as the pope was about to walk through the door. And then the pope was about to drop the mic, Jimmy, take a seat. He said to them, you unite people because laughter is so contagious. Ricky Gervais, not there. I think even the pope was like, why is Whoopi Goldberg here? This was a comedy

festival. She's got an EGOT more like EGAD. EGAD he says. EGOT more like EGAD. EGAD he says. EGOT she ain't got. Do you remember Kindler's bit? What? Uh, he would get on the stage at Largo or he probably did it everywhere knowing, uh, Andy and he goes, uh, he would take out $20 and go, this is for anyone who

can repeat a single funny thing who what we Goldberg has ever said. Just the anger. Like that's his bit. Yeah. Does it on stage. Yeah she's really gotten. She's gotten a long way with very little. She had that amazing, you know, Broadway show. I guess it began as off Broadway. But you know where she was in a one a one woman show and she did a lot of voices and you could see that there was a ton of talent there. And that's how it started. And then somehow it got over to comedy.

Well, how much stand up did she do? She was good in Ghost. I liked her very much in Ghost. You're kidding, right? No, I'm serious. So I had never seen Ghost. And I know she won the Academy Award for her role in it. And then I watched it, I think, during the pandemic,

when I thought the world was dying and there was nothing to do for months. So that's when I watched it. And I'm like, I had to look up what Academy Award did she win? Did she win best impression of an over the top black person? Because it she should have been called out for racism. It was like, uh-huh. Like it was like, it was crazy.

Yeah. Well. So. I like it. Not good in Ghost. Not good in Ghost at all. Let's do some letters to the editor, which we'll probably get about that comment. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, we missed the Stay in History. Yes, we missed it last week too. Okay, wait, wait. Oh, we always do this. Yes, we missed it last week. OK, here we go. OK, I did look through them, Greg. And what I learned was it is an awful, awful day to play this game. So so it's a three day window. It's a three day window. OK, fair enough. Yeah, yeah, window. It's a three day window. OK. Fair enough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what we're doing. So let's see here. We're going to do the first one we're going to do. A.R.S. The Ford Motor Company was founded by Henry Ford and 11 associate investors. Give or take five years. What is the year? Ford Motor Company, I'm going to say 1912.

I love it. 1903. Damn it. Earlier than you think. Yeah, I gave you five years. I sensed you were going there. OK. OJ Simpson is arrested on this day. Give or take. One year. I'm going to say 94. That's exactly the year. Nice. Yes, yes. All right.

So let me find some others here. Yes. Give or take. I'm going to others here. Yes, give or take, I'm gonna give you four years, give or take four years. Barry Manilow, born on this day. Ooh, okay. Yeah, it's different, a little different. Not in our wheelhouse, exactly. I'm gonna say 2039, I mean 1939. Oh my God, what did I give you, four nineteen thirty nine. Oh, my God. Would I give you four years? Yeah.

Oh, nineteen forty three. Ah, baby. Ah, you know what year the Watergate break in happened, right? Her name was Lola. Give or take one year. Watergate Watergate was broken into. Give or take one year girl Watergate was broken into give or take one year Watergate was broken into in 1972 you're right I thought you were gonna say the only chance yeah I had was I thought you might have said three I'm on fire today

three for four. OK, last one or no, we can do more. Let me see if I only planned on one more. But. George Mallory disappeared. OK. Give or take. 100 years. Oh, I like these. Joan of Arc led the French army against the English at Pataille, probably slaughtering that Pataille, France. 1628. 1429. So you should have given me 200 on that one. And I still would have been wrong by.

All right. All right. You're great at this one, though. You're you're you're well well. You have a lot of knowledge. I don't know. Well versed. I don't know what I was going to say there.

Well, you're well read about this. A Napoleon was defeated in the Battle of Waterloo, ending 23 years of recurrent warfare between France and the other powers of Europe. Give or take 20 years. ending 23 years of recurrent warfare between France and the other powers of Europe. Give or take 20 years. When was this? 1790. Good.

I win. 1815. Ah! Boy, I guess that close. OK, final one. Give or take zero years. Oh, Jesus. When did the war of 1812 begin? 1811.

You're right. By the way, that's perfect. Am I right? No, it's 1812. But you're right. By the way, that's perfect. Am I right? No, it's 1812. But you're right. I should have bet against you. It would have been a trick question. Like how could I possibly ask that? Isn't that the Grant's Tomb question? Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?

Is it Grant? It is Grant, right? Yeah, yeah, that's the famous one, yeah. All right, letters to the editor. All right, here we go. All right, this is from the great PNW, they call themselves. Middle-aged dude to middle-aged dude, what use can do you actually envision, I don't know about the writing here, where people are sitting down to watch guys in headphones chop it up about news stories. You guys rule,

but in order when I'm listening to you, it's while exercising, cooking, or commuting. At no point have I been tempted to flip the laptop open to watch people talk unless they're spectacular looking, in which case it's a short watch. Keep the podcast coming. Haven't missed an episode since you started. And I'll never watch one take it each. I like this letter. That is great. Here's the problem. Is people look at our YouTube, you can see how many people have watched the episode.

And it's usually like 3000 or so, 4000. And they judge our listenership based on that. but such a small percentage of people are watching us. It makes us look bad. Oh I see what you're saying. I almost feel like we should take it down. I mean nobody wants to see this face. I Don't know. Yeah, and also don't we mess up the algorithm algorithm with what with our content or foul mouths? Yeah, we do. We get so off the algorithm. So is it? Do we make any money from it? Very little. What if we did an algorithm friendly show? Could we hack the system? So we would remove any profanity, we'd obviously not have any copy

written material. And is there topics we could talk about which help the algorithm, or then it just comes down to viewer numbers? I'm not interested in doing a show like that. Oh, OK. I mean, we could do one as an experiment and see if the numbers go up.

That's what I was saying. All right. Let's see it. We've got to figure out how to. By the way, the recession has started. I don't know if anyone realized that. So we've got to figure out how to everyone does by the way the recession has started I don't know if anyone realized that so we got to figure out a way to make money on this. All right our friend Aaron is very upset. Aaron from Portland says how dare you say Frisco and San Fran are okay to use. Shake it down.

She grew up there and she said that people are very upset and I want to know she lives in Portland now. What are the Portland? What do you not want Portland to be called? Porta Potty. That's what I call it. Tim Dilley, to have her fight it out with Tim Dilley. As far as merch goes, Koozies, we have just ordered a fresh batch for the

summer. It's here. Don't sit there with a lukewarm beer in your hand when you can be showing people what you watch on the internet. That's the way to go. That's how we're gonna make our money. Obituaries. Go to FitzDawg.com. And that's your folks. Look for the link for the and it's $10. That includes shipping. It's all one click and we'll send it off to you fairly soon. Includes many of them are twice shipped. So think about that value. All right. Jerry West died.

And everyone got to know him a little. If you watch that showtime, the Lakers, the Lakers. No, it wasn't called Showtime. Yeah, it was called Showtime. Nope, it wasn't HBO did not go with that title because of Showtime, I think. But it was called. What was it called? But anyway, Showtime. Yeah, no, I you've made it clear what you think about HBO Lakers. Winning tiny winning time.

Yeah. OK. Winning time, the rise of the Lakers dynasty. Winning time is a terrible title. Anyway, a lot of people got to know him and what a colorful character he was and headstrong and all that. But he built the Lakers in Southern California into a Southern California institution as a player. He constructed and nurtured the Lakers greatness as a general manager, which is what it was in that show. West was essentially the first

Los Angeles Lakers draft pick as he was the first round selection of the Minneapolis Lakers shortly before they moved to Los Angeles. He had the city's first great sports nickname, Mr. Clutch, and he garnered arguably the highest honor of any athlete in this city's history because it is his silhouette, which is the NBA logo. Oh, white guy. Wow. That's pretty sweet.

I mean, that show really depicted him as like just a bigger than life character. He just seems to have like lit up a room every time he walked in, he could talk and Eskimo went to buying ice cubes. Is that racist? I don't know. They like, they live on, they need ice.

Eskimos need ice. I suppose need ice. Yeah And I like I think it was a British guy. I believe not American though who played him in the series and he was great Okay, then talking about no no you switched to Jerry bus. I kind of realized that's what you did there Oh, I thought we're talking about Jerry Bus this whole time. No, he was already dead, right? Jerry Bus is not the logo of the NBA. That logo would be a cigarette and a glass of scotch and a shirt open to his navel.

Yeah. That's so weird. Two different Jerrys were the general managers of the LA Lakers and both brought them to greatness at different times. I'm surprised what you would call it the writers didn't have like a fight where it's like Jerry you're Jerry Jerry because they did fight a lot. Well that's how much I know. And that's Adam McKay. Adam McKay could have written a very absurd scene where everyone's screaming.

Jerry Francois Hardy is that how you pronounce her name? French singer whose beauty and melancholy made her in 1960s heartthrob. So just a shout out to her. But that's fun to go listen to that on Spotify or whatever. But her songs were pretty. You speak French. How would you pronounce those songs? Francois Hadi where are the songs?

Toulagarchan et les Follets et mon le danger the one I like is I can't play it because I'll ruin the algorithm, but is OO Cherie. Okay. And it's very bouncy and great. Alright, let's cheer up. Let's cheer up after that. That was sad. French lady mortid. Here we go.

She got all mort. Oh, I like this first entry out of the gate. All right. So we got we started a new contest a few weeks ago where we give you an uncaptioned cartoon frame and then you give us your punch lines. And it's been a wild success. Beyond what I imagined I would be spending hours and hours and hours looking at my email feed of your answers. Some of them are hilarious. Some are not, but you know what? We appreciate the effort.

Not even, not even really, even when I don't laugh, I go, all right, that was a cool thought. That's not bad. But I've only included like, I don't know, maybe the top voice really goes high when you lie. The top 15 or 20 are here. Brian Dardy said, by the way, if you're not watching the podcast, I'll describe what. Yes, don't worry about it.

You don't need to see it. It is to praying mantises in bed. One is on their back and they have no head. And the other one is perched just above them. Allah just having finished or about to begin the missionary position. No, no, it's finished because finished because the big the big thing is that the female praying menace after sex bites the head off the man. You know, a certain comedic mind might make a joke that it had not happened.

You know. Yeah, right. But that's right, because they're taking an alternative route. I like it. Brian Dardy said, damn, I wish I wore protection. I like it. Nolan Dandenau said, I thought it was odd when he seemed excited when I mentioned some head. David Chavanak said, sorry, I had to eat eat you but my therapist says it's because I grew up without a father.

I mean we all did, but that's the excuse I'm going with. And then his other one was, did I come? How dare you ask me that? My girlfriend told me this shit was gonna happen. I don't get it. I like the get it. All right. I like the first one, first one's good. Yeah.

And then Sam said, that was David Dravinak by the way, Sam said, no, I said I wanted you to give head, which we got about a hundred of those. But, you know, I had to put one in P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. Har said, damn it! I sucked off the wrong head again. I thought gang mantises were immune to this kind of behavior. Christian Kelly said, we just had to try out choking. Are you happy now? I think that missed what's going on there. Danny Morales said, a paper bag would have done just fine. I like that one.

Marcy Heimbach said, I was only five minutes late, you don't have to bite my head off. That's pretty good. My reaction to that one. Yeah, the five minutes late. I mean, I think it should be related to the act of sex shouldn't it? Yeah, that's probably would have been better. It only took me five minutes you shouldn't have by me.

I don't know. John. Sorry said I knew I was going to die. John Tillerson said I knew I was going to die. Did you know you were gonna get herpes? That's fucking great. Yeah that one But that's the dead person talking but okay Brian Rishel said no, we

Assuming it's still alive a little bit. Oh Ryan Rishel said what will round two cost an arm and a leg? Oh It's it's Brian Reed wrote it was illegal. Brian Reed said, hey, I paid you $200 to masturbate, not masticate. Oh, that's smart. It doesn't make me laugh out loud. Yeah. Sean Johnson said, no, honey, I wanted you to take your top off. Not bad.

I like the paper bag one, I think. Kelly said, I said I wanted more head space, not headless space. OK. I'm going with John Tilson. I knew I was going to die. Did you know you were going to get herpes? Yeah, you know what? I agree.

Sorry, paper bag person. I agree. Sorry, paper bag person. I agree. Congratulations, John Tilson. You got a koozie coming your way this week or next week. I will send off that. Send us your address. It's not next week. John Tilson.

It's not this week, I mean. Send in your address, and we'll get it right out to you in time for 4th of July you got for next week here is the Comic and you will write us a Caption it is a woman. She's clearly nude under a blanket and she's laying on an inflatable mattress that has legs and feet sticking out underneath it and

the person coming through the door is a mattress standing regular regular bed with her regular bed and he has a briefcase in his hand and he looks very sad and she looks very startled I mean can we state the premise or is that part of the challenge? You figure out what's happening. You figure out what's happening. She's on a blow up mattress with legs under it and he's a bed. He's a bed with a briefcase and he looks sad. And it's on the website.

I would imagine. No, you're putting this on your website. I Don't know Chris you want to do that? That'd be great. Well, how are people gonna see this? Well, just bet do we just beg them not to go to YouTube Well, they can fit it's not a complex depiction. I mean, I think they can work off of that. I Don't know my. What am I? What am I have to I think guy that's on time. All right, I'll put it on my website There you go. All right, Haggar the horrible Haggar and Lucky are rowing their boat

Haggar goes I'm gonna take for it's gonna take forever to get home and the next frame He goes, I guess the Tahitian shore leave was a mistake Yeah, I mean raping is takes time and it will bite into your you know your your return home from battle Wait, did you describe the boats empty? Oh, I get it. Now I get it. Yeah. Yeah. They all they all stop there. Yeah. I mean, this is exactly it was a cook, I think, who went there

and they they gave everyone on the island like syphilis and all these sexually transmitted diseases they gave to the natives. Yeah all those girls with the coconut shells as bras. You know Vikings never were responsible for the spread of STDs with all the people they raped because I think they also then killed them. They killed them. Yeah. Which is clean. Right. Fauci approves of that. that yeah the Lockhorns Leroy standing on a scale Loretta says I'm surprised you weigh this much hot air usually rises oh she hit him when he was down he's already not happy he's not feeling good about his weight that's for sure now all Now. All right. Here we are. Calvin and Hobbs.

The high larity continues with number six in the countdown of the 15 best Calvin Hobbs strips of all time. So what I've learned here by the headline, it says the final strip sends Calvin and Hobbs on new adventures. Spoiler alert. But it is the I guess it was the final Calvin and Hobbs that was ever published at the time anywhere.

It ended the run. So they're out in a very snowy scene in the woods and Calvin is is making his way through the snow with deep tracks and Hobbes is behind him holding the toboggan. Calvin says, wow, it really snowed last night. Isn't it wonderful? And Hobbes says, everything familiar has disappeared. The world looks brand new. Calvin's like a new year, a fresh, clean start.

Hobbes is like, it's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on. And Calvin's like a full day of possibilities. And then he puts Calvin or Calvin gets in the in the toboggan and Hobbs is on the back and he's about to push them both off. And he's like, it's a magical world Hobbs, old buddy. Oh, no. Calvin goes, it's a magical world Hobbs, old buddy. And then they start going down the hill in the toboggan and you wouldn't believe the ending Calvin says let's go exploring hmm at least in

mash the helicopter blew up in the sky on the final episode maybe they should have gone with something like that yeah it's a bargain goes over a cliff wait what happened at the end of mash do you remember the final episode the oh maybe it wasn't a final episode but the the general goes up in a chopper, and as he's flying away, it blows up. No, that was terrible. Or was that just the end of his character? The last one in MASH, a little like the ending of your little short story with your dad, and you find the letter in there,

it's almost as if it's like that, because as if your dad left it for you to see. But it's when he took off, he had written a message, you know, in rocks, I think think on the hill that he could see I think that's what the last the last image of man okay oh by the way I left out a big fucking detail on the story about my dad he died the weekend of Father's Day oh my my god. Yep. I didn't put that together. Yep. All right, so listen, I mean, there's five more Calvin and Hobbes. They're not going to be better than this. I've lost faith, and I think these are for people who want to be comforted and maybe read into something maybe profound that a child with his imagination comes up with.

They're also very comforted by each frame saying the same thing and there's no development in the story. Yes. No surprises. These are probably fragile people. This is the comic strip version of Norman Rockwell although no that was very provocative at times was it oh my

god yeah I would first walk to school or whatever the hell that one was it was called something better than that oh no he got involved in race issues it was issues. It was Donnie and not even close. Okay, sorry. Jesus. War, war issues. Maybe I should have said Leroy Neiman. Yeah, sure. That's good. Remember him? He did a lot of sports guys, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so blondie and her daughter is sitting on the couch. I'm not even going to read what they say to each other. I just want to comment on they're both sitting there.

The daughter has on jeans, Blondie has on khakis, but they're tight and they have their legs crossed in the sexiest fucking way. Both have their shoulders back presenting huge bosoms. And look, as hot as Blondie is, and I think I don't need to explain to our listeners what a fan I am, beyond fan, a little bit obsessed with Blondie. Her daughter kind of blows her out of the water. She's incredible.

And I'm just so happy that she's old enough now that I can share my sentiments. It would have been wrong. She's now 26. Finally, she's at the age where I can express my feelings towards blondies are who they never mentioned by name, probably because they don't want her stalked by guys like me.

Oh. So we're not even gonna read it. By the way, you shouldn't read it it's kind of like the Calvin and Hobbes it goes nowhere. It goes nowhere no but I just want to talk about if you need a reason to watch our podcast I would say let's do this as an experiment go to YouTube and just watch 10 seconds of our podcast let's see if our numbers go up just let's explore this as an go to YouTube and just watch 10 seconds of our podcast. Let's see if our numbers go up.

Just let's explore this as an experiment. Open up your phone or laptop, go to YouTube, and go to Greg Fitzsimmons' page. Just Greg Fitzsimmons, you'll find Sunday papers, click on it. We should have said this at the beginning because I don't think anyone made it through that Calvin and Hobbes.

But how about you? And I bet now on the over under how many views will we have by the next time we do the podcast? And we can look it up while we're doing it of this week's episode right here. How many YouTube views do you think it got? Well, last I'll tell you the last few weeks we got 3300 3500 4100 3700 so yeah we're in that range of 3500 to I'm gonna say 5800 I'm gonna say 4800 for wow you have no faith go right now just go to YouTube hell wait how long do you I don't know any of this.

How long do you have to view to be considered a view? Well, leave it on for a minute. Leave it up for one minute. Get past the ad, because maybe they don't count it if it's just the ad. We'll see. So go watch the ad. There is no ad. Yeah, there's an ad that runs at the beginning, which we barely make any money from. So I don't know why we allow. I think we can disallow it.

Maybe we'll take the ads off as a statement to YouTube. We don't need their status. Show them that show them take. All right. He's all right. So listen, happy Father's Day. Enjoy your pancakes. Happy Father's Day.

Call your father. Send him a letter and tell him how much you love him. And that will cause him to die. That's what happened in my case. Oh, no. Did you ever get that letter back? Can you send it to my dad? Yes. Yeah, perfect.

Have you ever already had a letter like that to your dad ever? I have written very nice things to him. I have to write one to my mom now for sure. Huh. I missed mother. I didn't miss Mother's Day. I got her something very sweet. But uh... Wasn't there a sickness involved so you guys didn't get together or something? Uh, yes. That was on her birthday, which was then I doubled doubled up on Mother's Day so that went well yeah. All right well listen don't forget check out the Tom Brady Hall of Fame speech on YouTube you can see some jokes that Mike wrote. No no you're not tuning in for jokes don't don't go there

for jokes there's no jokes. And that's it. Write some captions, send them in to fitzdogradio at gmail.com. Maybe you'll win a koozie. And that's it. Happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day. Take it eesh, everybody. Take it eesh! Aight. about Viking race. The Lockhorns are both tough, smack, and Blondie has a nice rack. Mike Gibbons will send you a koozie. He's in the clouds, but don't be nosy. Wigglewopper Jr. is just a friend.

His real name is Ben. Greg has no hair, so he'll put a hat up there. Mike's hip is steel. He tried to go skiing before he was healed. Greg and Mike, let's start the show. The retraction list is about to grow. Sunday Papers is such a hit. Readies all about it.