Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 221 6/23/24

Episode Date: June 23, 2024

God has been appointed the new Superintendent of the Louisiana school system, a 105 yr old just got her teaching degree, the LA schools are banning cellphones, and Justin Timberlake was overserved in the Hamptons.  Support our sponsor: Download the GameTime App, create an account, use code: Papers

Hey, Greg, hey, Mike, tell the news. We like you like you tell it all. Just throw it at the wall. So tell the news hit the sound turn the ship around the news won't move until we burn this mother down. So tell the news tell it all. Throw it at the wall. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday Papers. Coming from the Berg baby. Nice I was just talking about Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh. I played a little golf this morning with the usual crew and I'm terrible with names but if you played with the woman she's moving to Pittsburgh though but she's been in the group recently. Love her. She's fantastic. She's great. Very sad. We're losing her She was either gonna move to fill your Pittsburgh. I'm thrilled that they landed on

Pittsburgh But is it right near right near you though? Is that Airbnb from silence of the lambs? Remember we talked about that one podcast Here in Pittsburgh in the Berg where they shot it, Jonathan Demme used the real exterior for Buffalo Bill's house where he had the basement. Right. Where the girl was kept. And so I think it was a Broadway set designer

from New York bought the house, restored it to what it looked like in the film and then even put in because it didn't really have a basement like that but they put in something where like you know it's the the top of what looks like you know a giant well I guess whatever the hell that was. That's so funny because I went on I did a race Jesus Christ I flew to Pittsburgh yesterday connecting flights through Chicago three hour delay I get in at midnight and then I have to wake up at 415 a.m. LA time to go do like an hour and a half radio

interview so I'm trying to take the impetus off me so I'm doing Doug loves movies tomorrow night and they're like I So I'm doing Doug Loves Movies tomorrow night. And they're like, oh, I see you're doing Doug Loves Movies. Do you like doing that show? I go, well, let's do it right now. Why don't you guys, let's play the movies shot in Pittsburgh game. And there was three of them.

I go, you each go around in a circle, and you have to name a Pittsburgh movie. And whoever can't think of one loses. Do you want to know how many great movies? All right, Night of the Living Dead, 1968. Silence of the Lambs, then nobody named Silence of the Lambs. That would have been my first one.

Dear Hunter. The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh? Dear Hunter was my first one. Fish that Saved Pittsburgh, was that even shot there? That was shot here, Slapshot, shot here slap shot 1977 although you know they shot that up in Malloy Malloy visited that I think they used the rink up in a Colgate yeah yeah Colgate College that's right fences and miss Ma Rainey's Black Bottom. Bob Roberts, the Tim Robbins movie. Dawn of the Dead.

Perks of Being a Wallflower, which is a fucking great movie. We've never seen it. That's right. And then The Dark Knight Rises. Really? That's Gotham? Yep. I guess they shoot a lot of Gotham looking

The Wonder Boys. Did you see that? It's actually based on a book by a Pittsburgh author who I love named Michael Chabon. Wonder Boys. And then... I never saw Wonder Boys. Somehow. Yeah. That's pretty sweet. Not to mention what's there there were two was a Tom Cruise movie called like All the Right Stuff. All the right moves. All the right moves. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And there was a there was a plant that he worked

at or whatever. Yeah. A mill or whatever the hell it was. Well, anyways, taps was shot the other side of the state in Philly. Right, well, Rocky. With Tom Cruise. Yeah. Yeah. All right, so I get to the airport. I'm going through airport security yesterday and I come out of my TSA line

and I bump into this woman who's got a very small dog in her hand and I go oh excuse me and she goes yeah excuse me and then I walk like three steps and she goes you're so cute and I go thank you and I turn around I go oh you're talking to the dog aren't you she's like yeah yeah I'm talking to the dog, aren't you? She's like, yeah, yeah, I'm talking to the dog. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, well I did look cute I had on my little Adidas matching Sweatsuit I'm sure sure that like it was a maroon No, I have a maroon one. This was my blue one the It reminds me and forgive me those who have heard it. I've told it on the podcast, but a while ago

And I just did Kilburn's podcast So it made me think of it but I was I was in Costco and Kilborn would put me on air I was on air like almost every night that was five nights a week on CBS back when people watched late night and you got paid every time you went on you got like 700 bucks right every every single it was crazy on top of your salary little fucking when it was unscripted I was not paid but I think I got an something maybe for appearing. Anyway I'm in Costco and the guy goes uh oh I

missed Kilbourne I'm like oh I go thanks and actually I was with you at Ellen at this time I'm like oh man that's that's nice of you to say he's like yeah you know and what is he doing I'm like I know I know he's this this this and anyway we're talking for a while he's like yeah, you know, and what is he doing? I'm like, I know, I know, he's this, this, this. And anyway, we're talking for a while. He's like, yeah, like, you know, he's like, he would do a lot of experimental stuff. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm like, I'm like, well, you know, I'm at Ellen now. And so, you know, you're not going to be seeing any more me. And he's like, what? And I'm like, and I'm like, leaving. And he's like, what? And I'm like, well, I'm at Ellen now. I'm no longer, so I'm not going to be in the hall

or on air or whatever anymore. He's like, oh, OK. And then I'm like, what the f? And then I look down, and I'm wearing a Killborn t-shirt. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. And he has no idea who I am. That's hilarious. And he's like, oh, wait, he goes, were you on?

I'm like, no, no, no. I just, and then he like, I'll just hurry out with my six pounds of pine nuts, please, thank you. Oh, that's hilarious. All right, so let's get- Kilbourne says hi. He's- He does? Yeah, he wanted to talk all about the roast, but he knows what I'm up to and everything.

I had a good time on his zooming on his podcast. Yeah I'm down here with Sarah Tiana. She's doing, speaking of the roast, she wrote on the roast. She's doing this show with me tonight. We're doing this theater, some comedy festival. Nice. God, she knows a lot about sports. We were on morning radio together and they brought up some new Pittsburgh pitcher and she's like, yeah, well now that he's got a fourth and a fifth pitch, I think he can go deeper into the stra, I'm like, what? Yeah, she has a sports podcast. On ESPN.

Well, she's got it with what's his name? The biggest guy in sports. Biggest guy in sports? Dave Damishek. Oh, oh, oh, and I love Damishek. Damishek, we worked on the sports show pilot together. Paul Skeens is the pitcher. Kimmel Camp and everything, yeah.

All right, let's get to the logo. Craig Goodet made a, you know, it's a little gay. What I don't like is that I seem to be the bottom in this picture and you seem to be pretty happy about it. Well, what's my other hand doing? So it's broke back mountain and Greg is in the foreground with what looks like a pretty startled face, facial expression, and I've run up behind you and I'm hugging you with my

chin on your shoulder and we're both looking forward into the lens. But boy, my other hand looks very busy, which would explain your expression, and I'm very serene and happy. Let's just say if I have a prostate issue, you are aware of it in this photo. Yes, I have a firm grip on the situation. Song this week comes from Jane. I've got a handle on it. Jane S., who we love.

She does a lot of logos for us, and she's doing some music. This one is hauntingly catchy tune corrections oh boy did we get hit this week with corrections we yeah yeah me I got hit with corrections I haven't read them but I'm just guessing you mentioned right now you've already corrected you just knew you mentioned an episode of mash where a helicopter explodes and kills the general. I believe you were referring to Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake heading home but his plane is shot down by enemy fire. It's funny

because the guy that replaced him I thought was even better. I think that happened twice on MASH. And then Rob Soullier says, Honestly, I don't know how anyone pursues any value in what you do say anymore. Some of these people really come at me hard. I counted three wrong things you mentioned this past Sunday. It's called Showtime. It wasn't. It's Jerry Buss. It wasn't. Biden walked off to nowhere. He didn't. He saw a doctored video. Yeah, I gotta apologize. I don't know if I have to apologize for it, but I saw a doctored video. We all saw this now. He was at a bunch of people had parachuted, but he was in fact looking at some other people that were out of the frame and giving them a thumbs up, and they cut the frame to make it look like he was a fucking lunatic, and I bought it.

And you know what? There's a lot of those going around now. There are so many fake videos that I'm just not gonna believe anything I see from now on. Well, I'm glad they did edit that, because what really happened was he just squatted down and defecated right on stage. So I'm glad he looked like just Kalula's and walking around.

Did you see the clip someone put together? I think you did, you're on the text chain of Jaws. No, I sent that to you. Oh, it's so good. About Trump's rant about the electric boat. Yeah, with the battery versus the shark and if you go in the water and they put it in Quince, Quince speech about the USS Indianapolis, I believe. And they just replaced it.

But it was it was also finessed. They timed it so his looks to the other guys were in perfect places, it was just really well done. I gotta learn how to take an Instagram video that I see and put it into my Instagram. It can't be hard to do. I know how to send it to people, but I don't know how to post it on my own account.

Maybe Chris can show me that later. With little I know about it, I'm terrible at it, but I know there's a, you know, send to your stories when you press the arrow. Oh, you can? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, all right, I'll do that. But I think they have to have a setting

that allows you to do that. Oh, all right. Well, I'm sure Chris they have to have a setting that allows you to do that. Oh, all right Well, I'm sure Chris can figure it all out as well as why my battery is dying on my recorder Brian and Madison said Bob Patterson wanted me to tell you it's JK Rowling not Rawlings He was losing his shit over that one. Take it each He's referring to Bob Patterson our most anal corrector Tom Russell said Christian nationalism is the term you're looking for on Sunday papers make sure to bring that up we will bring it up later when we talk about

the Ten Commandments in Louisiana Christian nationalism oh boy tour dates I'll be on the Joe Rogan Experience on August 13th. My special comes out, I believe August 12th, but that may change by a day or two. I'm gonna be doing a YouTube live interaction leading up to the release, and you guys can watch it with me.

Denver, I'll be at the Comedy Works August 29th through the 31st. Austin at the Mothership, August 29th through the 31st. Austin at the Mothership September 6th through 8th. Alaska in Fairbanks September 25th through the 28th. San Francisco Punchline in December. A quiet October November right now. We got some dates we're gonna put out. We do... oh god I forgot to look up if we have an ad for this week. Why don't you freestyle for second Mike? Sure, you can up the ad for this week.

Sure, well you can bring the koozies up here, since it's kind of the business area. So the koozies are arriving, today is Friday. The koozies are arriving, I think, Monday. So I apologize for the delay, and we're gonna get them out. Including to our winners of the caption contest oh Right I just sent you enough. I just sent you another one of those today Okay, so we're gonna we're gonna make good on that stuff

520 have 20. Oh oh this is 6, 617, okay we got a game time read we got to do. Hold on. Yeah buddy. Alright Chris you're gonna have to edit this I gotta pull up the ad. Why I'll just riff while you pull it up. We're doing live stuff here. Alright, do it. Los Angeles man, let me tell you a thing or two about who is that? I'm on the Game Time app and I don't even know who this...V. Have you ever heard of V? How out of it am I? Who's V V is at the Honda Center and You could go for 31 bucks. I bet it's gonna drop down

But I'm on discover which is my favorite part of the game time app where I see what's going on in town Megan Megan the stallion tonight Crypto comma Rena 106 bucks that's gonna go down. Do you think Grindr has a Discover section as well? Who? Grindr? I don't know. I think it knows what you want.

I don't think there's much discovery. People know what they're looking for. Yeah. So Mrs. Doubtfire, where is that? The Pantages Theater. Did you know Mrs. Doubt fire was made into a play I you know there's nothing new on Broadway and there's nothing new in the in the theaters everything is borrowing begging and stealing from other whatever was

successful in the past the earthquakes are at LAFC those are 40 bucks that's tomorrow at 7.30 anyway. Well listen, the main thing is, don't get stressed out about buying tickets because sometimes you wait too long, sometimes you buy too early, and now with game time you can find that sweet spot. Keep an eye on things, watch the price go down,

and then swoop in, there's killer last minute deals, all in prices, views from your seat, low price guarantee. Flash deals, zone deals, all in pricing, which I always tell you is my favorite thing about it. No guesswork on how much the fees are going to add up to. The app is super sweet. Couple of taps, you got to write in your phone, no downloading, no transferring, no printing. It's super easy. Save up to 60% off buying for last minute sports, concerts, comedy,

and theater. Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Game Time. Download the Game Time app, create an account, use code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase, terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code PAPERS for $20 off download game time today last minute deals lowest price guaranteed. Okay let's go to the front page. I got some soft paper here. Oh boy, we coincidentally were talking about the Ten Commandments last week. That's right.

That's right. You go. Louisiana is requiring all public classrooms to display the Ten Commandments. This has been tried over and over. They've also had like sculptures of it outside of courthouses that have of course been taken down. And so they're sort of psyched to get sued because what they'd love to do, Louisiana,

is run this up to the Supreme Court, which they think is more, gonna view it more favorably than they have in the past because of who the Supreme Court is loaded with now. So, anyway, Governor Jeff Landry said, if you want to respect the rule of law, you've got to start from the original lawgiver, which was Moses. Side note, and I hope he doesn't find this out, Moses was a Jew who went to hell.

So good luck with that once you put that together. In 1980, the Supreme Court ruled in Stone versus Graham that the First Amendment prohibits public schools from posting the Ten Commandments. But under Louisiana's new law, starting next year, the Ten Commandments shall be displayed on a poster or framed document that is at least 11 inches by 14 inches with large, easily readable font. The problem, nothing is easily readable in Louisiana, which has a 72% literacy rate. Is that right? Yes.

Only 15%, and also only 15% know what 72% means. So anyway, Forrest Gump is going to read the commandments for them because he's a smart man, Jenny. Oh my god. Well, I thought about this and I think the New Orleans Saints alone will sink this ship. I mean, these are saints fanatics. And let me just go through the commandments and how they will be broken by Saints fans. Okay number one, no gods before me they think Drew Brees is a god. Number two, no false idols. How about the Saints cheerleaders? You're not distracted in worshiping the Saints. Number three, no cursing, no taking the Lord's name in vain except when there's an interception. Keep the

Sabbath day holy. Well that only applies on bi weeks and the offseason obviously. Honor your honor your mother and father and here's a quote from ESPN. Relations his his mother died, Drew Brees's mother. Relations between Drew Brees and his mother were strained at times, and the quarterback asked her to stop using his picture in TV commercials, touting her candidacy for a Texas appeals court seat in 2006. She later committed suicide with them not speaking. That's also a sin.

Yeah. So. Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not kill. What about murder them? Murder them! Also, his mom killed herself. Oh, right. Number seven, adultery. Well, Joe Horn, the famous Joe Horn, fathered Willie Roth, who was his teammate's wife's child, also their coach Sean Payton cheated on his wife and she left him. That just happened. Thou shalt not steal. Steal the ball. Obviously you want to steal the ball. Number nine, do not bear false witness. Yeah, meanwhile there's a guy in the opposing bleacher seat screaming from 100 yards away.

That was interference. That shop. That shop not covet. Yeah. All they want is another Super Bowl. They wish they had a better kicker sports. All about coveting. Of course. All right. That was my piece. That was my little as if Louisiana. Sports is all about coveting. Of course. All right.

That was my little piece. That was my little... As if Louisiana... By the way, I saw a picture of the guy, the governor, this guy Landry. I believe he had a Rolex on, which if you're a real scholar of the Bible, that flies in the face of a lot of the teachings of the Bible, that flies in the face of a lot, a lot of the teachings of the Bible. Yeah. So also Louisiana's nearly one in four Louisiana children live below the federal poverty line. And this bill, this is the thing you're championing. That's not going to fix that.

Right. Right. But I mean And don't you already have laws? Do you have laws in Louisiana that cover all of this? But also, like the first one, you shall have no other gods before me. It's literally saying there's only one religion. How does that not fly in the face of separation of church and state? It's insane. And the Ten Commandments are a joke. The first four are the selfish God just talking about himself. Yeah. I mean truly.

Yep. It's ridiculous. So anyway. All right. Let's get to 83 years after leaving her master's program at Stanford University, 105-year-old Virginia Ginger Hislop returned to earn her degree, proving it's never too late to get an education. Her journey began in 1936 at Stanford's University School of Education, where she pursued a degree in education. She graduated in 1940 and promptly embarked

on obtaining her master's degree in education to fulfill her ambition of becoming a teacher. Quote, I thought it was one of those things I could pick up along the way if I needed and I always enjoyed studying so that wasn't really a great concern to me and getting married was, so she stopped. So, according to this article, they fucking gave her her credits, her bachelor credits from 1936.

And now she's gonna, she's gonna teach now? Can you see her in front of the classroom? Welcome class, hopefully nobody brings chicken pox or the measles to class today. And today we're gonna learn about eugenics. Now, if you take two healthy white people and you breed them, psychology class is just a lab experiment

where you do lobotomies. Like that's psychology. Used to work. Astronomy is just gonna be about how great Pluto is, how it's the best planet. And don't forget, boys, get out and vote. Right. I think there's a pretty good chance

there's gonna be a substitute teacher second semester. Yeah. Well, she also wanted to finish her thesis. She's gonna teach history, and it's called The Third Reich and Germany's beautiful future so I wonder how she's gonna finish that yeah yeah I want she might want to pivot everybody write an essay on that teacher you forgot to give us homework oh yeah and to put on your pants. Michigan State Representative Neil Frisk was arrested early Thursday morning

after Lansing police responded to a report of gunshots and allegedly found him chasing a stripper and firing a weapon. Well, Yosemite Sam is alive and well in Michigan. Wow. His arrest stems from allegations that he sexually assaulted an exotic dancer. Frisk was cuffed around 2.45 a.m.

on Windbreak Lane, the street where public records show he owns a home. He got a felony-level offense. On his own block, don't molest and shoot where you eat. Did he think this whole thing through? So like let's say you shoot her, then what? Are you just gonna like rub against her? Like what was going on exactly? Yeah a dead stripper can't a dead stripper can't give you a lap dance. No. And by the way how do you get so mad at

a woman who's literally taking her clothes off and dancing for you? That only makes me I'm more kind to a stripper than any other woman on the planet. I'm just so thankful. A dead stripper is only good to work like one more day right? Maybe two? So, Sophie, you still here? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you can bungee cord her up to the pole. I mean, that's why they have the pole

for two day old strippers. I just occasionally realize, Sophie doesn't hear a word you're saying, she just hears me talking about a stripper being, a dead stripper being good for one more day at work. Ha ha ha ha. No context, whatsoever. Here's me talking about a stripper being a dead stripper being good for one more day of work. No context whatsoever. Not even the story.

It was nothing. I have not been to a strip club in 15 years maybe. Probably the same. I would imagine we were there together. It was one of those Vegas trips with the boys. But I mean, I think this age, it's pretty gross to go to a strip club. I think it's unfair to the dancers.

Oh, what am I saying? I was there this year. Because we went to the Jets Raiders game and in the parking lot is a crazy horse which has drink specials and like the pregame and all the other games. So we walked across the bridge and that it's it's truly the closest bar to the stadium. Okay. And they know it and they have like put on.

I feel sorry for anybody working there because it's all gigantic screens and everyone is there just to watch the TVs. Did, does Hannah know that you went? No. Okay. I would, oh, I don't know. I'd rather not.

Okay. But I definitely could explain it. Like we literally treated it like a sports bar. It was in the middle of the day. Yeah. I'm trying to think if I, I don't think I'll go again. I think I'm done.

Once the strippers are the same age as your daughter, it's like, it's kind of weird to still go. You know what I mean? like I would just and once you're this old and once you're as old as their dad yeah all right Utah public auditor has been unable to substantiate a single violation of the state's anti transgender bathroom ban out of over 12,000 complaints. Only five reports were deemed plausible enough to investigate, and each inquiry turned up nothing.

So, and by the way, like, why is this, don't bathrooms have stalls? Like, is it that crazy to be in a stall next to somebody who's a different sex from you with the door closed? There's co-ed bathrooms in college. Yeah. Yeah.

And by the way, you wanna keep somebody from bothering you and some distance, take a dump. That's molestation repellent. Molestation. By the way, 12,000 complaints. I mean, is like one in Utah, is one trans guy just running like a maniac from bathroom to bathroom? Well, it's tough with the high heel shoes

on when you're 6 foot 2, but maybe. Also, they all wear magic underwear there. Doesn't that help the whole situation? Doesn't that magically make things easier? I've been in women's bathrooms. I did not go in for sexual reasons. I went in because I wanted to take a dump on a seat that didn't have urine on it. Except if you really knew what you were talking about, their seats are the worst.

What are you talking about? They hover. We've talked about this. Their faulty urination system, they hover and it's like a sprinkler head just is rotating under them just all over the seat. I don't know how they do it. It's as if they jumped up, straddled the top of the stall, and peed eight feet down. That's what it looks like when you see a woman. If you go into any gas station bathroom, it's usually I think a woman is responsible for the splatter.

Yeah, I think God took a coffee break when they were building the vagina. Yeah. It's got some design flaws. But then he's like, you'll see. It works. You'll see. There's a little magic there.

Students will no longer be able to use their cell phones during the school day at the LA Unified School District. I love this. 72% of high school teachers said cell phone distraction is a major problem. In the classroom, the addiction to phones has hurt their socialization, their mental health, and academic success. They're scrolling during class time. They have their heads in their hands walking down the

hallways. They're not talking to each other or playing at lunch or recess because they have their iPods in. Look, let's get them back to doing what they used to do, bullying the honor students and carving swastikas on the bathroom walls. The old days. You know, the students are like, what are we supposed to do now? Just stare at our guns all day? I, you know, I can't believe, so I had one girl go to public school here in Santa Monica, and the other go to private. Was that like an experiment? Was that like a control group and an experiment group for you to see which one turns out better?

Public school one turned out better. And so the meanwhile the one in private school texting whenever she wants from class. She's asking me questions. I'm texting back. I'm like, oh, are you on lunch or? She's like, no, no, no. I'm in like physics or whatever it was it was unbelievable like like in writers rooms and on a lot of zooms like when you're working one of the big rules is cell

phones down yes it's time to work I talked to my kids about this the other day and they said that they were on their phones almost the whole time they were in class. They would put one ear pod in and then they would put their hand on the side of their head or put a hoodie on. And they were, you know, so many of the teachers just give you an assignment and then you're supposed to do it for the hour and they don't do shit. It's a two-way street. If you're a good teacher you should be able to tell if a student is paying attention and you should be calling them on that. The problem is the class sizes are fucking

so big they can't really pay attention to every kid that's sitting in the class. When I taught a USC last semester they occasionally I would see someone like checking their phone but generally it was cell phone free. I mean, it was a small group, it was like 10 students, it was kind of more workshop type of class, so there had to be involvement. But I can't imagine being a teacher and looking out and a kid is enjoying his cell phone.

No, it's ridiculous. People just can't focus anymore. There he goes. Let me explain what's going on his cell phone. No, it's ridiculous. People just can't focus anymore. There he goes. Let me explain what's going on to the listeners. Craig picked up his phone and was distracted. I am shocked, though. Sometimes I look at my cell phone usage, and it's like four hours a day.

And I go, I had no idea. If you had asked me how long I was on my phone total, I would have guessed about an hour, four hours. Well, sometimes at night I'm like proud of myself, I'm getting to bed early, and then all of a sudden I'll be like, what the fuck, it's 1230? And I've been on my phone just scrolling

for an hour or more. Do you think you, I have a theory that you have an addiction to the internet. I think that you go down rabbit holes about music a lot. Yeah. Well, you should hear, you should see what I learned about the Ten Commandments. That's how I knew Moses went to hell. Did you know every single person according to Christians or Catholics, Catholics. Every single human being who died before Jesus died

went to hell. No, not hell, purgatory. No, hell. No, purgatory. No, no, and then there was a special, more comfortable, it was kinda like hell plus, like comfort plus. It was like a hell plus. I learned the name, but I can't retain any information of my age.

But it was, I forget the area of hell, but that's where Moses was. It was like a lounge in hell. Yeah, I guess it would be like being born before people stopped using the N-word. And you just kind of live in the hell of being a racist, but you never really stop. Even if you stop saying it, you don't stop thinking it. That seems like a stretch, but okay, I'm going to let you say that. All right,. We go a first-year polysci major at NYU ripped off roughly $51,000 worth of her roommates pricey possessions including luxe labels such as Gucci Chanel and Bulgari and Then hawk them online for a quick buck

Aurora Agapov whose Russian mining magnate father Andre has a net worth of 75 million dollars and counts Putin as a pal, realizes that some of the belongings were missing last month. She became suspicious of her roommate Caitlin Fung after finding a receipt in the old Tappan New Jersey's, in the old Tappan New Jersey girls pocketbook. She's not an old New Jersey girl. She's she's she's not an old Tappan New Jersey girl. She's from old Tappan New Jersey. She found the receipts in her pocketbook which first of all alright I think NYU made a pretty good roommate placing with these two.

She found out because she was rummaging through her roommates pocket. Well, imagine having $51,000 worth of anything other than cocaine in your dorm room in college. Yeah, or food out of the fridge. So she got suspicious when the roommates started getting bottle service in the dorm room. She's like, wait a minute, I thought you were from a farming town. Yeah, exactly. And apparently Fung's body will soon be missing. No doubt. Fung, listen, this Tuesday, Fung will think she has a simple rash.

She'll try a little cortisone. She's going to try to clear it up. By Friday, half her skin will be gone. Yeah. The cortisone is not working and on Saturday it is complete organ failure. That's the Russian way. That's how this is gonna go down. And Sunday, Fung's father will be on a plane to Russia to hunt down the killer of his daughter and it will be a four four movie deal I think we've already written the first one I think we got it oh here we go Denman wrote in the Moses in hell discussion all the righteous were in the

limbo of the father's limbus limbus patron where they remained until in his human soul united to his divine person the dead Christ went down to the realm of the dead so so I guess Jesus is supposed to go down there and free them and bring them up at some point well though it was funny the way I read it was like yes they kind of all did go to hell because Jesus didn't open heaven. It sounded like a club. Yeah.

He didn't open heaven until he died. Let's google this. So heaven only started 2000 years ago? I know, and Moses was like 3000 years ago. That guy spent so much time in hell. So in the Old Testament there was never a mention of heaven? I don't know. You know there's very few mentions of Jesus. Really? Yeah, let's see here. Yeah, he's not in terms of the whole Bible, both parts. Well, he's not in the Old Testament at all, dummy.

Right, see? No, I'm just saying in total. All right, hold on. By his death and resurrection, Jesus opened heaven. Prior to that time, all who died went to hell. However, the just went to a place in hell referred to as the bosom of Abraham, where they is kind of like the milk club in in what you call it clockwork orange clockwork orange, where they would be comforted. The parable of the rich man

and Lazarus seems to indicate that there were two parts of hell. Both Lazarable of the rich man and Lazarus seems to indicate that there were two parts of hell. Both Lazarus and the rich man died and went to hell, but Lazarus was comforted in the bosom of Abraham while the rich man was in a place of torment. Anyway, a great chasm separated the two parts. And that is why I have avoided getting rich in this lifetime so that I may ascend into heaven where Jesus has opened up the greatest nightclub. He was like a Kardashian. He opened it.

And where do we think the governor with his Rolex is going? I have a good guess. Yeah. Right. All right. Here we go. Entertainment. Here we go entertainment. OK, before we get to Timberlake, so Caroline, my niece recommended Sophie and I watch.

We were like looking for something to watch this week. We we try to like schedule TV time because I don't have her that long here. Well, we try to do Furiosa. You cannot even buy Furiosa to stream yet. I guess it's coming out like next week maybe. But we were in the mood for action. So we started watching the new Planet of the Apes. Have you seen those?

No. They're not great. The first one wasn't bad. But you know, it's lowest common denominator. They hit you over the head with the plot points and all that. But listen, you're seeing talking monkeys So it wasn't that bad and then we watched but but Caroline recommended

six What was what was the name of it? Um six schizophrenic brothers This documentary which is not a good documentary, but the subject matter is amazing. A Colorado family had 12 children. They had 10 boys, but they really wanted a daughter. And then the last two were daughters. Six of the brothers developed schizophrenia. And we did not finish. It gets more and more depressing with each episode. It's one of the high, it's on max, because I think it was a discovery. I think it was a discovery document,

or you could tell where the commercial breaks are. It was made for TV. And it's not well done. It's really repetitive and all that. But oh, man. It's also, it's like a cheap joke, but oh man it's also it's like a cheap joke but it is a little all over the place as schizophrenics compete. Yeah. But um the other brother directed it. Finally scientists got involved to be like oh my

god what we could learn from this like trying to identify the gene and all that stuff. No Aaron has cousins and there's three of them in the family that are schizophrenic. It's very hereditary. Well, some of the, no spoiler, but some of the schizophrenic brothers were not very kind at home. So anyway, it's something else. That documentary, I'll say that. I wonder what percentage of homeless people

are schizophrenic. I mean I know it's kind of a spectrum like there's different I'm not an expert but but it's there's degrees of it and there's offshoots of it. Yeah no they could tell with the brothers like which one they all agree like which one had it the worst. Yeah there yeah there are different forms of it. In almost all cases though there's audio hallucinations I guess you know hearing voices which are very very mean to the person and then tell them to do terrible things. How come the voices are never nice and tell you to do positive things? Like, you look great, you should volunteer at a soup kitchen.

Right. And then they're like, then the other voice is like, no, no, no, rape your sister. Don't listen to the soup kitchen bullshit. You're still good looking, but you should rape your sister. So, I don't mean to laugh. But I think it's they do have an answer for that. My guess is that it's rooted in some self loathing. Oh, this was interesting. When the

scientists were talking about it, they so first of all, my mothers were blamed early on, like for so much mental illness, like they were really big proponents of nurture being responsible for how we wind up, and they discredited nature. But what I did not know was there are a lot of people who are predisposed to schizophrenia, but a childhood trauma almost guarantees that people who are predisposed will develop it. I also, I don't know if it's schizophrenia, but kids who chronically smoke pot can develop psychosis, which is I think, either, I think schizophrenia is a type of psychosis.

Denman just put this stat down that 16% of the adult homeless population have a severe mental illness. And of that 16%, 10% have schizophrenia. I'm shocked it's that low. I think more than 16% of people with homes have fucking severe mental illness. Right. I think there's a lot of bipolar people out on the street, you know.

Yeah. Bipolar people, if unchecked, tend to lose everything when they're in a state of mania. Right. Okay. Let's get to some good, wholesome, anti-social behavior. The latest kick to Justin Timberlake's ego, is that you that wrote this? Yes. Yeah, you already read your one story. The latest kick to Justin Timberlake's ego, when as Page Six reported the young cop who arrested him for DWI in Sag Harbor early Tuesday didn't recognize his face or name. Justin said under his breath this is going to ruin the tour. The cop replied what tour? Justin said the world tour. Okay sir well you're about to get a world tour of a

Long Island drunk tank how about that? Why don't you tour along that street line in the middle of the road for me. Timberlake looked glassy-eyed in his mugshot despite allegedly saying he had just one martini before his arrest. It wasn't a big gulp cup. Yeah. Indeed the 43 year old singer is due to perform in Chicago on Friday and will be at Madison Square Garden. His latest album however would dropped off the Billboard 200 after just four weeks and then some Hollywood insider said the album tanked and then he's not getting big acting roles right now.

He's got a bad reputation in Hollywood as a bit of a jerk and a pain in the ass. Really? I didn't know that. Same. I said he had a good reputation. His wife, actress Jessica Beale, who I fucking love, is said to be extremely upset. Well, yeah. You know, a friend of ours who will go unnamed but has pretty good intel was convinced Jimmy Fallon was part of this. But a lot of people had that thought and it turns out it doesn't look like he did. No, Fallon was out of town. He was in New York City. They were taping a series of live shows for the Tonight Show, so he couldn't have been there. But apparently they're really best buds out in

the Hamptons together. He had no drinking. Man, this reminds me of when I wrote on a certain show for a certain daytime female talk show host. We were in the writers room one day and I said something disparaging about Justin Timberlake and the room went cold and she looked at me and she goes, you know that I'm a fan of Justin Timberlake's, right? And I was like, oh, I didn't know a writer's room was a place where everybody fell in line with one opinion based on the host. I thought comedy came out of like discussion

and jabs and insults and going back and forth and laughing. I didn't know that the whole narrative of one person needs to be reflected in the minds of everybody in the room. It was fucking psychotic. Not that I'm proud of it, but I guess I am. But I was the one who suggested putting Timberlake. Remember when he was in the gingerbread costume? No. There was a big reveal. What are you talking about? Classic Ellen bits now? Yeah, man. Highlight reel. Timberlake. I like Timberlake. I also think he's a very good actor. He is a good actor.

I'm not saying I couldn't name Bring Sexy Back. I know that, but I really couldn't sing along. I don't. When it comes to artists like him and Taylor Swift, I listen because I see that they're popular. I just don't feel anything. I don't like, doesn't, I know his music has kind of got some little funk to it.

It's danceable, but I don't know don't get excited about it they're no krung bin they're getting very big have you noticed they're kind of blowing up right now no they've been big yeah especially on the festival circuit and stuff no yeah Timberlake's kind of like Eva the white jamiroquai that's what I'm gonna go that's what I'm gonna go with oh you know jamiroquai is huge's what I'm gonna go with. Oh. You know, Jamiroquois is huge in Ireland. I just hung out with an Irish guy. Really?

Who has no legs. And he says that Jamiroquois is huge in Ireland. We won't do a dancing joke. Let's make America Florida. A Florida man is accused of trying to burglarize a closed bank while wearing a mask that he purchased at a nearby gas station. According to the release, a man later identified as 33 year old Colton Vincenzo of Hobay, Hob? Hobie. Hob sound? Looks like it should be hope, but anyway,

Hob sound was caught on a gas station video purchasing a mask. He then went across the street where he walked through the bank's unlocked doors and started opening drawers and cabinets, but they were empty. So basically this is a story of a Florida man who robbed a bank that had no money. Yeah, that's what this is. There's a sign that Florida's economy has shit the bed. The drawers are empty. By the way, the

headline of this story is that there's a place in Florida still selling masks. That is a headline. Yeah. And why were the banks doors unlocked? I mean, obviously they weren't protecting anything, but that's a little weird. Well, you never know, you gotta ask Florida man. Florida man seems to know what's open. You know, they just, I think they check every door.

By the way, I left my doors unlocked the other night in Venice. I parked my car on the street and every single time I forget to lock my doors my glove compartment is open and my shit's thrown all over the place every time it's like people are just walking down the street checking doors it's unbelievable yeah no I know imagine if your golf clubs were in there or something more valuable. But I'm trying to think what would be more valuable that you could leave in your car? A kid? I want to.

Well, you know, you could leave Ray-Ban sunglasses in there. Some people do that. I don't leave shit. I leave nothing. And then, you know, I really want to get a nice car. I want to get a Mustang. I've always wanted to get a Mustang, but I can't park it on the street in Venice. Right. I turn my garage into a fucking bonus room so I can't park in there. It would have to be very clean then it could be kind of cool. What? But this, no the Mustang in your Mustang in that indoor room. Maybe this guy was visiting Florida.

It sounds like a Florida man would be more resourceful than this. Or at least when he didn't find money, he'd burn the bank down. Yes. Seems that way. Yeah. I don't know. A little tricky. Oh, by the way, Florida, I read this article is in a lot of trouble.

So a big part of Florida with the new sort of weather and the storms that are battering them and, you know, insurance companies are no longer insuring. Florida has a real insurance crisis on its hands. So one of the big things is the erosion on the beach. So they have to, the state has to replenish the sand. And to do that right now, there's a standoff on the Gulf Coast. Meanwhile, the first storm as we speak is entering the Gulf of Mexico. Already? Yep, it's early. So they need easements and they need the people in the homes to give a little bit of easement,

a little bit of easement to the government so they can go on and like replenish the sand loss and the homeowners are like go fuck yourself. Even though it's their beach? Even though it's their beach. So there's this standoff where and it's probably like paranoia like I'm implying where they don't want the government to have like an easement I don't know if like they need the easement maybe we'll get corrections on this I don't know if they need the easement technically to replenish the sand but whatever it is

that's the condition that they've put forward and it's like a strip of an easement that's it between their house and the ocean and the homeowners are like not a chance so the beaches aren't getting replenished with sand. Yeah that's a whole thing on like the Jersey Shore all the way down the Atlantic Coast so much sand gets pulled out to sea I think it's the Army Corps of Engineers that comes in here. It is. And they just pump sand with these expensive machines back on. And it's just like, you know, it can't last. They can't keep spending this kind of money. It's insane. By the way,

the insurance thing has hit California. I know you're, you're a renter. My, I got a call or a letter from Allstate saying that they dropped our insurance because there was a tree limb hanging over our house that they saw from a drone shot and it was like all right first of all why are you looking at my house with a drone? Second of all the limb hanging over my house is about six inches in diameter and so I said are you are you guys, are you just dropping, the lady goes, yeah, we're dropping everybody in California. She was kind of cool and she submitted, nobody has insurance in California on their homes

anymore. And they're like, sorry, you may want to get that callus on your penis checked out. We saw into your bathroom window. Callus, that's my thumb. My dad is dropping his insurance on his Florida place, no longer because he owns it outright, and he's just dropping it because he, first of all, thinks if a storm hits there,

insurance won't pay. His stepson already burned down his house, and insurance tried to get out of that like crazy, he had to sue them. And that was in normal times times in a open and shut case of one house that was affected by fire. I mean, if they get hit, so anyway, the building has insurance,

he used to be the head of the board of the building. And I don't know if it's the right decision, but the rates went up so much, it didn't seem worth it to him. Yeah, so we found another insurer, but it's three times as much money as we were paying before. Well, you would have to get it though if you had a mortgage, right?

If you owe more than 80%, if your loan is bigger than 80% of the value of the house, once it goes under that amount in equity, you no longer have to pay that. Oh, interesting. Yeah. I didn't know it was that high, 80. I would think it was like once you cross 50% or something.

Yeah. All right, let's make Texas, Florida. This is my favorite story of the week. Family of Taekwondo teachers jumps into action to save Texas woman being sexually assaulted. Katie, Texas. They were coming back from lunch around 4 p.m. Tuesday. Simon and A.N. 20 said they heard screams at a cricket wireless store next to their business. The second scream. Yeah, we knew it was like a cry for help, he said.

When they opened the doors to the store, 22 year old Hannah Ann said they saw something horrible. I saw a man on top of a woman and the woman was on the ground. She said, after that, it took only a moment for their father, Grandmaster, Han-An, to grab the suspect and take him down. Han-An held the suspect in a corner, continuing to hold him down. Simon-An and his younger brother, 18 year old Christian-An, also stepped in to help while Hannah-An and her mom, Hong-An, took the victim to the family's dojo, making sure that she's okay because she needed that after that experience, after that situation happened

out of nowhere, Hannah Ann said. And when the deputies arrived, the suspect, a 19-year-old, was still pinned to the floor by the grand master, Han Han. Wow, thank God some people continue doing taekwondo after the age of 11. How is there not one gun in this Texas story? It's, I kind of don't believe it's true. Yeah, yeah. And also, who's to say that woman wasn't just having

an orgasm? What if these Koreans are just running around breaking up good, solid, consensual sex? Yeah. Also, it doesn't matter what's going on. Anytime you walk into a Cricket Wireless store, you are going to see something horrible. That's just a fact. But I think Marvel has their new superhero franchise. I want to see this family. The Andes. Beamed up to some spaceship or in a layer on top of a mountain and they're

just put to work vigilante style. By the way Taekwondo is the hardest martial art to actually use against somebody in a fight. It's all like it's all just like I think they call them poomsays it's like a series of kicks and strikes and the actual combat you're way better off with like you know jiu-jitsu or judo or something like that so good for them. I think this family might have been looking for a fight. I think so. Let's go sports. Oh the Celtics. Dickie was at the game. And I sat with- Oh, that's right.

Now that's amazing. Yeah. And I sat with my brother-in-law, George, who you know is incredibly superstitious. Forget it when Argentina plays in the World Cup. He was born in Argentina. He can- anyway, we went over there when they were- this is the best part. Sophie and I were going over there when they were this is the best part Sophie and I were going over there and we get there I'd say about halfway through the second quarter and Sophie comes in and she goes

hey I heard they're winning they were up by 20 points or 17 and Sophie goes, I heard they're winning. And he goes, no, not by enough. Is he a Celtics fan? Oh my God, worships them. Okay. He grew up with Lionel Messi and Larry Bird posters on his walls. So, yeah, I know Dickie is a huge fan, obviously he's from Boston.

I was so psyched he was back there and yeah I mean it's it was great. I'm more obsessed with Edmonton right now with the Oilers who were down three games to none and then they came back in Florida in game four and won nine to one and then won the next game in Florida and now they're back in Edmonton tonight and while we're taping this on Friday so by Sunday we'll know whether or not they they are out because right now it comes down to this Edmonton wins two games they win the Stanley Cup yep they lose one game around and one well what is the schedule? Is it one and one?

No it's two to two. No, no, I mean, oh, both games are in Edmonton. Yeah. I believe I don't know it used to be 232. And now I think it's like 222. I'm looking up, but oh my god Connor what's his name? Holy? David He's incredible. He's got like nine points in the last two or three games broke Redskis playoff record Broke the record for most points in a playoff By a lot now now he's he's beat it by like three or four points and he and they and he's got at least one more game left maybe two games left maybe three games left. No so three? No two would be the most. Game six at

Oilers, game seven is Monday night if it goes to seven at Florida. Oh, they go one-one after that, huh? Yeah, so, but I would really like to, yeah, I wanna watch tonight's game. Yeah, it's gonna be great. Also, and- That highlight of him splitting through, when you, the highlight that I saw was in super slow motion,

and it was like he was moving at twice the speed the defenders were. It was it was like watching Jordan go through guys. It was crazy. Well he's known for accelerating once he gets the puck. Other guys you know you're turning, you're looking, you slow down. He accelerates and he just goes through traffic. He draws all the defenders to him and then he just crosses it in front of the net and there's always a guy wide open and He's amazing. He's such a generous player. He's he is he's actually like messy in the same way It's like you're lucky to be on the front line with him because you're gonna be fed so many great great scoring opportunities

You know Gretzky is one of my, I haven't, I don't think I've ever talked about it on here but, and I won't do it now, but he's one of my favorite like holy shit stories about athletes. Like it's, it's my, his statistics are mind-boggling. Now I I would say of any athlete in any sport, he is the most quantifiably goat of any athlete in any sport. Is that fair to say? I do view him as the biggest outlier. I really do.

And of course, I'm thinking of Jordan. All the big records are out of people's touches. He owns all the big ones by a lot no there's then there's historical stats about it like he and his brother yeah I guess his brother played for a little and his brother has like two his sister whatever but if you combine them they're the top two contributed like a handful yeah there's some there's some really funny meme about that. But one day, hopefully we don't have

to wait till his obituary, but one day we should break down. Because there are great arguments of who is more dominant, Jordan or him or maybe someone else. But it's really hard. Some ESPN guys have broken down what Jordan would look like if he had Gretzky's dominance. Yeah. And it's a different Jordan than the one that exists right now. Well, Gretzky took home, took with him 61 NHL records, Single season marks of 92 goals, 163 assists, 215 points. So those are obviously the three biggest records you can have in hockey. A point streak of 51

games is a record, 894 career goals, 2857 career points, seasons of 100 or more points 13 of those consecutive but there was there was a there was some stat maybe it was assist where it was kind of like what was it the the three-minute mile or whatever? It was one of those you never thought would be surpassed, and he doubled it. Yeah, right. Well, I told you in that dinner that Kilburn brought me to with Reggie Miller. So it was the three of us in Mastros,

and we had that bet, which I've talked about on the podcast before. I told him he's gonna get a standing ovation his last time in Madison Square Garden. He said, I didn't understand. I'm like, you don't understand. And the story I told to Reg's gonna get a standing ovation his last time in Madison Square Garden. He said I didn't understand I'm like you don't understand and the story I told to Reggie Miller that I was like listen I was this diehard ranger fan and Gretzky came into town when he was with the Kings I believe and The Rangers had a power play Gretzky got the puck and

Skated around for it had to be over a minute and they couldn't get the puck away from him. It was the craziest booing, booing, booing ever. And then when Gretzky was then coming off the ice, standing ovation. Oh no shit. Because we had just seen greatness. Wow, that's amazing. Yeah.

So cool. Yeah. All right, anyway, let's not talk Yeah, so cool. Yeah. All right, anyway, let's not talk about sports anymore because people fucking hate it when we talk about sports. We should mention Katie. Well, Kaylyn Clark. Oh yeah, go ahead. Well, she's on reserve now for the Olympics,

but this is the thing. We would make fun of the WNBA and obviously the game time, you know, when they had $1 and $2 tickets for their games. By the way, and with game time, that's with all the fees. That's with all the fees. It's $2 per ticket. So anyway. Oh, God. So anyway. Now, I think they've latched on to a new strategy

that has even us talking about the WNBA and that's a race war. And I think it's a very smart move. It's like black women beating the shit out of her. I think they're fostering it, quite honestly. I know, it's pretty crazy. She's getting fucking hacked. And also, you know They argue about whether to put on the Olympic team

All right. Here's the thing you and I are on a podcast right now talking about the WNBA So what do you do don't put her on the Olympic team? Let's bury the biggest story in women's basketball of all time Let's let's try to keep a low profile while we complain we're not getting paid as much. I know I think they they're they're trying to do the right thing but it's not the right thing you put the big you put the headliners in there they don't have to be the best players you think the dream team was all the best players in the NBA? No, they put the big names out there

They did but I mean there was a lot of controversy over the dream In and who didn't wasn't it like Isaiah? Oh, yeah, Christian Leighton er Over Shaq right and also didn't was I Isaiah Thomas made it didn't he? I don't know No, oh and also didn't was I Isaiah Thomas made it didn't he? I don't know. No. Oh, Jordan didn't like him. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like there was a lot of bullshit with the dream team a lot of bullshit. Yeah.

Yeah. So and should it come down to personalities and a popularity contest? Yes. The Olympics are supposed to be pure, Greg. Yeah, they're supposed to be pure, Greg. Yeah, they're supposed to be pure, but you know, the bottom line is it was a sport that was started in ancient Greece. Like, somebody told me that the, what's the event with five events in it? The Pentathlon? Yeah, the Pentathlon was based on a guy delivering a message and he had to run a certain distance,

he had to swim, he had to ride a horse, he had to shoot an arrow in order to deliver the message. He had to throw a hammer. Oh, and he had to fight. And I think there's a fight involved or something. I forget what the whole five minutes are. Oh, I cannot wait for the corrections next week. Well, you know, Chris could be putting them in right now. What is it, Chris? No, Chris Denman says, God's way prevailed with the dream team and Christian Leightner and John

Stockton were in before Isaiah got in. And Shaq. Yeah, see, and he loves the fact that the guy was named Christian. He thinks that anybody, all right, so, oh no, that's a different. I think you're thinking of the messenger who ran 26.2 miles to Marathon or from Marathon. Sarah Tiana just told me this story at six o'clock this morning, so I don't remember it all, but this sounds different than what she was saying. Anyway, enough, enough!

The break dancing will be the Olympics. I mean, come on. Meanwhile, no paddle tennis? And they took Taekwondo out, by the way, this year for the first time. Croquet used to be in it, here's why are more people talking about why isn't rugby? Rugby's not? I don't think so. Oh my god that's insane. That is insane. Okay what do you want to do international? Where are we doing on time? How are we doing? Let's move down. Why don't we do this day in history? We have a lot of people that wrote in for the, well let's do the obituaries.

No, how about this day in history? Oh, right. So let's do it. Although I'll say, it is the most boring day in history ever, so we're not going to do many. Pick the next day. pick the next day. No, no, I already did that. Like I have William, Wilma Rudolph was born, Aaron Spelling died, who cares? American inventor,

By the way, he fucked his kids. Tori Spelling's broke, by the way, do you know that? No, her father didn't leave her or anything, right? No. American inventor, Christopher Latham Scholes and two others were granted a patent for the typewriter Greg who on this date give or take 30 years what year was this the type. I'm gonna say 1680. You were almost 200 years off, 1868. No, get the fuck outta here.

You don't have to yell at me. Really? Yeah, you're attacking me. Jesus, I'm so angry about that. Yeah, you can tell by the high pitched girl voice. Okay, let's see football player Korean family a taekwondo family just broke into my hotel room to save me Something very disturbing so football player Lionel Messi we talked about him

He was born in Argentina on this day in what year, give or take four, I'm going to be generous, four years. That's an eight year window I'm giving you. Okay, I'm going to say. Actually it's a nine year, it's a nine year window. All right, I'm going to say 1987. Did you just Google it? No.

He was born in 87. No shit, no I guessed that he was about 38 years old and I did the math. I don't think your math is right but you nailed it. 37 years old. Yeah. Okay let's see. Okay John Cabot became the first, this is going to set up our haggard, John Cabot became the first European to set foot in North America since the Vikings, give or take 30 years, what year was this? Well Columbus was 1492. People argue that Ponce de Leon may have come first, so I'm gonna guess this guy came in 1420? I don't know how this is correct. It's 1497. But I thought, wasn't Columbus 1492? He sailed the ocean blue?

Yeah, I don't know what's up with that. First European, huh. Okay. Are they considering Columbus? He was Portuguese, right? It was a... Maybe they're considering him African because he's Italian.

Ha ha ha ha! I don't know. I don't know what went on there. But I like my explanation. I think you know, do you know the year that Michael Jackson died? I would guess that he died in... I know when it was. Well give me a range. No, I'm gonna

give you uh if I give you one year that's a three year range right I'm gonna give you plus or minus a year. That's it? What am I Michael Jackson fanatic? All right I'm gonna guess he died in... No all right two years I'll give it to you I remember where I was because the job I was at. 2012? You want a hint? What? Same day as Farrah Fawcett. That's not a really good hint. 2012?

No, nine. 2009. okay. Okay, here's the last one we'll do, because it's a fun one. George Armstrong Custer made his last stand with the 7th Cavalry at the Battle of Little Bighorn, give or take, trying to think what, like, I gave you like a small window on Cabot because I knew you'd go to Columbus, so I'm wondering if you'll know what to go to to gauge this,

but I'm going to give or take 15 years. I'm going to say 1870. 1876. Nice. How did you get it? I knew it was after the Civil War. Exactly. That's what I thought you'd use. Yeah. You know what's amazing to me is like, so Michael Jackson 2009, right? For all the listeners out there, although I don't think we have any young listeners, you don't realize how easy it is to remember years. Like the Kurt Cobain I just know I know what job I was in not too many huge things were happening in my life.

Was that about 92? I thought it was 94.3 I mean but I remember where I was sitting. Yeah. Well let's look up Kurt Cobain but I remember because I was right down the hall was MTV News and and They I think I heard it before anyone no one could believe it But I mean I remember where I was in my life everything April 5th my birthday Yeah, I was right. I was right. It was 94. So

Anyway, and now you get to Michael Jackson, you're right, it's a blur. If I didn't know what job I was in, which is the only reason I know is because Tosh.0 was threatened of being canceled season one. And I remember we were shooting a Web Redemption and we were airing that night and that night's ratings meant everything. And all of a sudden a PA goes, look at this, and he shows me his phone and fucking Michael Jack. And I'm like, that means no one will watch our show tonight.

Yeah. I, my gauging of it was, I remember in 1990, I was in, he was on Saturday Night Live in 1990 and I remember talking to Anthony Clark about how blown away we were by it I don't know if it was exactly 90 but so I was thinking I know it was a few years after that that he died we're going to all bits to bring this down. Do it. And that's all folks. We just talked about Cobain and Jackson. Keep this tight because my battery is about to die.

Okay, two guys died, Donald Sutherland and Willie Mays. We don't have to even go into that much about it, but you know what was really interesting was I think most baseball people who are knowledgeable about baseball and certainly all the most of the journalists I read think the best Billy Mays is the best all-around baseball players ever lived. No kidding really? Yep and then ESPN even did a thing and they went back like he got two MVPs but they're like MVPs were very different back then. Almost always they gave it to a player who won the pennant and then they also, there was something.

The World Series or the pennant? There was something else they gave. No, the pennant, at least the pennant, and it could be in either league. And then there was something else and they go, let's go back though and do it by today's criteria and they think he has eight MVPs. No kidding. And they they give the whole rationale why and they compare it to who won it and all that stuff. Yeah. So anyway. And that's all

while fighting against the racism that was plaguing him from city to city staying in different hotels eating in different restaurants having people yell the n-word at him you know being probably pegged by pitchers from the other team right and again the key is all-around player but even if you take all-around player out of it two years ago ESPN ranked Mays the second greatest player of all time behind Babe Ruth. Wow. Anyway his catch is like so storied and they have footage of it. It's called the catch. But like I found all these quotes. One of the greatest players of all time. Frank Robinson was asked once if Willie Mays was the best player he'd ever

seen. Robinson got that annoyed look on his face and rolled his eyes. Of course he is. You can't exaggerate how great he was. DiMaggio said quote, Willie Mays is the closest to being perfect I've ever seen. They also say Candlestick Park cost him between 10 and 12 homers a year. And he said I always thought it cost. Well, it's also the thick air and the fog. Like they say when a home run goes up in that park, even like with bonds and stuff, when a home run goes up, it doesn't go as far. Like it gets like kind of grabbed.

Interesting. Yeah. And it also might've been, I don't know what sort of played and all that stuff. They talk about that. But he thrived there. And then there's the catch of course and then then there's this other play I'll just read this guy wurtz drove the first pitch just to

the right right of deadfield center racing toward the high green boarding with his back to home plate maes caught the ball over his left shoulder some 450 feet away he cupped it like a football player catching a pass, then whirled around and fired a second base, his cap flying off. The throw, as spectacular as the catch, kept Rosen on first. And anyway, so that's great. But then the catch was only one spectacular play by Mays.

Another one came at Forbes Field in Pittsburgh in his rookie season, a deep drive hit by the Pirates Rocky Nelson. Willie rolled around and took off. At the last second he saw he couldn't get his glove across his body in time to make the catch, so he caught it in his bare hand. DeRosha was flabbergasted. We all were.

Nobody had ever seen anything like it. Amazing. Yeah, he was just this incredible, incredible guy. Okay. Say hey Willie. Say goodbye Willie. And And then Sutherland I love Sutherland I kind of feel I wish he had done more major roles in the last part of his career but we can talk about that another time let's get to the funnies. Alright so last week we we had a new caption for you. It was basically a woman on a blowup mattress. The mattress seems to have feet and an arm sticking out of it as if it is

lifelike and walking into the bedroom and looking sad is a regular bed mattress with feet and hands and a face and the woman looks startled. I remember I wrote, I had one in my mind last week when we chose this one. Dave Dravinak said, Matt wasn't surprised that his wife, Matt get it, that his wife was cheating on him. Inflatable mattresses had a reputation for being unreliable. Brian Reed said, you know the saying, if the headboards are knockin, he's about to walk in on his wife getting her ass

eaten out by an anthropomorphic air mattress. Huh. Huh. Huh. Uh, Mark Hazeltine said, nothing happened. You know an air mattress won't stay up. Mark McNutt said, I go away for one extended memorial day sale weekend blowout and this happens Jason said Jesus Marge the pool float boy

T bird Sanchez says did you just blow that airhead I had to blow him what did you want me to do sleep on the floor yeah I had some about I think mine was about blowing him thank okay these are all from Doug Carroll. Thank God you're home. Sleeping on our stepson was getting awkward. You were gone. I needed the inflatable mattress. I started to blow it up and one thing led to another. What was I supposed to do while you were gone? Sleep on the couch?

You know that creep doesn't pull out. Alright, so Doug Carroll with a few. Look at that one. Tyler Swain said, when a father comes home only to find that his son is into bestiality that takes a second but it's good wait explain it to me well he's a mattress she's a mattress and no what He's a mattress, and she is a woman on a mattress that has legs. So the bed is talking to the inflatable mattress and saying, oh, you're into bestiality.

Oh, yeah. That's a real thing. So he's not talking to the nude woman. Yeah. OK. Nathan Hueln said, did you at least use mattress protection? Not bad. Mm-hmm. Paul Lacousy said oh god how could you I paid for brunch for you and all your white friends you cunt. Yeah. That's just a guy

Suntosh murthy said first a water mattress now an air mattress. What's next a fucking tent? Tent wouldn't be like a yoga mat. Yeah, I think a yoga mat might have been better All right, Mike, I'm gonna put it up you. Who wins this week's funny caption contest? Well, I think, I mean, it might be Doug Carroll. I think that the couch doesn't pull out. It was pretty good and it avoided all the, you know, my first instinct was to, you know, let's see if I could come up with something clever about Blow and there were a lot of ones around Blow but I thought that one was interesting. And it was a hat trick, he gave us three.

So Doug Carroll, congratulations, you are this week's winner of the Sunday Papers Caption Contest. Coozie coming your way, We got to get your info. Next, yes, send in your info at FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. Next week's caption is, it is a an egg next to a smaller egg and it looks like a father and son egg and the bigger egg has his hand over the smaller egg's eyes, and they're looking at a fried egg. So they're full eggs in their shells with feet, and then the fried egg is a fried egg with the yolk on top kind of smirking,

and she's got little legs. And the father looks angry. Well, it's the Marilyn Monroe on top of the subway grate. Oh, and it's on, oh, right, right. It's a sunny side up egg, and the whites outside of the yoke are being It's like the white dress being blown up. That's what's happening. Okay, got it. All right

Send in your egg jokes And then this guy said Have a great respect for Greg's lust for blondie and even more for his disdain of that ridiculous lump of a loser bumstead. I hadn't given the strip much thought as paper started to not be the normal way of getting news, but I remember the first time I saw Scarlett Johansson in a film, I thought for sure that a blondie film was on the way. So since there's already so many existing properties, I'm surprised it never happened a Scarlett Johansson Blondie with a Greg Fitzsimmons Bumstead all would have been iconic your lips to Joe Ross ears or whatever executive in Hollywood can make this happen

I will send yourself one for next week. Just tell AI to make it We've got a little Haggar the Harible and he's riding and his wife, you just see the two of them in a bench, he's got reins in his hand and she goes, aren't you gonna say something? And he goes like, what? And she goes like giddy up, cut to a hot woman

walking past their wagon that Haggar is staring at with R-A-P-E in his eyes. I mean, she doesn't look startled at all. She seems like it's normal to walk past a Viking on a deserted road, with wife or not. She seems pretty comfortable with the situation. RICK Yeah. I mean, it was rape at first sight it seems yes, and now we got the lock horns and Leroy's talking to Loretta who's on the couch he goes I used to learn something new every day now I forget something new every day It's true. I don't know how funny it is. It's not funny. It's not funny

Leroy is You can save it it we don't have to do another one. Oh I like this one Loretta is handing Leroy something he's got his wallet out and she goes here's my photo for your wallet seems like a good trade to me that's cute. Yeah. Okay. Here we are. Calvin and Hobbes, the fifth best one of all time. Okay. So I guess it starts in the title box, right? First there was nothing, dot, dot, dot. It's just black text on white.

Then the next we see a very extreme close up of an eye. Then there was Calvin. This is very religious in its iconography here. Then in the third one, you're seeing a. Is that cut? Calvin, the mighty mighty God creates the universe with pure will you see this incredibly intense shot of what I guess is like a god like figure doesn't look like Calvin and and it's like the Big Bang is happening in front of him as if God created the Big Bang.

The next is you see a giant hand out in the universe and it says, from utter nothingness comes swirling form. Life begins where once was void. Okay, then the next frame, but Calvin is no kind and loving God. He's one of the old gods. He demands sacrifice and you're seeing like an inferno type of artwork with with big eyes and planets and stars in the background.

Oh man, I'm exhausted already. Then the next frame, yes, Calvin is a god of the underworld and the puny inhabitants of Earth displease him. What would you say that is, Greg? I don't know, I lost interest about two minutes ago. Is it like a satanic image of a bull or? Yeah. And then there's an inferno

and you see Earth in the background. Then the great Calvin ignores their pleas for mercy and the doomed writhe in agony and it looks like Earth is absolutely exploding and on fire and there's smoke and there's human forms flying through the air. Then it cuts to it looks like their house and it's bright and it's no it's the typical Calvin Hobbes setting and the dad's like have you seen how absorbed Calvin is with those Tinker

toys? He's created whole worlds over there and Calvin's in the background on the floor playing and the mom goes I bet he grows up to be an architect. Four more! Four more Calvin and Hobbs and that'll be the last we ever do of it. Is it possible they could have cut out the first six frames? Could they have just showed the last one and just said, all right, let's Family Circus it up this week. Just be done. I think the Calvin and Hobbs fans are like gentle souls. There might have been some trauma. They don't like surprises like jokes.

They don't like any, yeah, no surprises is a big thing, I think. And they like it familiar enough, or if not familiar, just boring on its own merits. Yeah, well, I think that probably classifies 70% of entertainment in this country. I don't think people want, I mean, the things that you and I like are probably not what most of America likes. Like when I try to sit down and watch like a talent show,

like America's Got Talent, I just go like, I don't understand. If I love Island or whatever people, I don't get any of the network sitcoms, I don't get any of it. No, you and I are like, I'll watch this sitcom, but when is one of the schizophrenic brothers gonna rape his sister?

That's what I'm gonna sit down with my dinner and watch. Right, right. Speaking of predictable, here is Dagwood and Blondie walking down the street. They've just come out of a movie theater. Wow, he goes, wow for a movie based on actual history that sure wasn't very accurate. And she goes, they always have to add some extra romance and intrigue to keep people's interests. And he goes, well the more romance and intrigue to keep people's interest. And he goes, well, the more romance and intrigue they add, the more I lose interest. Well, how about this? How about you let your wife introduce a little romance into your life? How about you don't negate the possibility

of loving? She's holding his arm. His arm is at his side while she clings to it like some fucking adult child of an alcoholic seeking, you know love from a source that's never gonna give it to her just Leave him in the theater say you got to take a dump and just leave him sitting in that fucking movie theater and move on And I know what you're thinking Greg if you were there would be the popcorn trick be the popcorn trick. And imagine Blondie's buttery hand in there. Can you just imagine it? Oh my god. Yeah. And she's got the kind of wrist action

that she could get the hand in the bucket and actually work it without needing the arm. I've seen her supple little wrists. That's what it is. All right, listen. You guys have been so wonderful thanks for hanging out with us it was a nice long one. Yeah. And we want to thank Chris Denman and all the folks at Midcoast Media for doing a great job. We want to thank our sponsor

Game Time. If you go to the Game Time app and you put in papers you're gonna get $20 off your first purchase. Oh! And don't forget. A lot of sweet comments on YouTube that a lot of people like watching us on YouTube. Yes, we asked you. Do not take it away, they said. We asked you guys last week to check out the YouTube feed

and our numbers went way up. So keep on watching. We appreciate the love at Apple Podcasts with the five stars in the comments, helps us out a lot. Sure. Also don't forget I'm coming to Denver in August 29th through 31st and anything you want to promote Mike? Well I want to hear about are you where are you on the Burt tour? Well I'm going I'm just doing one date with them this weekend I'm getting

in the bus here in Pittsburgh they have a show in Pittsburgh that I'm not on because I'm doing this other theater and then I'm after my show I'm just doing one date with them this weekend. I'm getting in the bus here in Pittsburgh. They have a show in Pittsburgh that I'm not on because I'm doing this other theater. And then after my show, I'm going to their show, getting on the bus with them and driving to Buffalo where I will wake them. And then are you gonna go to Nashville? I don't know. I'm doing a show that night in Buffalo

and now he's talking about going to some beer fest in Nashville the next day, but I don't know. I think I might just fly from Buffalo keeping up with Bert can't even keep up with I don't know how he does it he's insane he really is all right well I guess we'll catch you next week all right people take it each take it each hey Greggy hey Mikey tell the news we likey. Tell it all. Just throw it at the wall. So, tell the news. Hit the sound. Turn the ship around. The news won't move until we burn this mother down.

So, tell the news. Tell it all. Throw it at the wall. Bounce it up the ground. Listen to the sound. So, tell the news. Set it free. Just you wait and see. Share the dirty word. Tell us what you heard. Tell the news.