Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 222 6/30/24

Episode Date: June 30, 2024

Tales from The Fully Loaded Tour, The Hawk Tuah Girl, a man sneezes his guts out, and Trans people are EVERYWHERE.

Greg and Mike and the Sunday Papers podcast. The sprinkle of that paper means you're gonna have a blast. They might not get their facts right and their jokes often fall flat, but it's free. Three two one. Read all about it. Read all about it. Right here. Sunday Papers, Los Angeles edition. Read all about it read all about it right here Sunday papers Los Angeles edition both guys miraculously

in my touch All right. Hey everyone Both in the City of Angels home of the Olympics in 2028 that's gonna be exciting Yeah, sure. It's very exciting at LAX with all the construction. Oh boy, but they're making it look like a real airport of this century. They're also laying down train tracks

all over the place, which will be used for two weeks during the Olympics, and then never again. No, come on, it'll be good. How many times have you taken the train in Los Angeles? Oh, well, that's where I read the papers every day. You're not even going anywhere. You just get on the paper with the only times. I get it on and I just write it.

Yeah. I've written it, I wrote it to the Women's March with a bunch of crazy women with pink hats on, the pussy hats. And I think that's it. I think it's the only time I wrote it. Did I tell you about, it was my ex's friend and very privileged and they grew up,

they had a house in like Brentwood or some incredibly fancy neighborhood. But the boy, a young, young boy, became obsessed with buses. And so she, being a good mom, would take him out and they would ride the bus. And just to get on it, like you said, like making fun of me, like nowhere to go. It was just about taking the bus. And when they first started doing it, anyway, he's really young, they find themselves in some public place and there's a lot of black men for some, I don't know where it was or what it was,

but it was some event or whatever. And the young boy goes, mommy, look at all the bus drivers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Get that kid back to Brentwood quick. Get him back to Brentwood. Lock the garage door. Lock the gates. My niece, well my brother-in-law is like, he's like a bunch of different ethnic things, like a little bit Filipino, a little bit Jewish, I forget, but he gets very tan and he works construction, so he's outside and he used to, now he's more of a foreman, but he used to be outside, and he would get so dark that he was going to work one day and my

niece said to him, daddy, why are you going to work? It's Martin Luther King Day. This is your day. And she would draw pictures of him at school. She would do crayons of the family and she used black just for him. That's perfect. Yeah. That was better be saved.

Yeah. So this is it, man. Summer's really arrived, huh? Finally in LA. We're late for the rest of the country. We didn't have a day above 74 degrees until about a week ago. Yeah, it still hasn't hit the 80s.

The whole country thinks, you know, oh my God, Southern California. Meanwhile, we were, I think the coolest part of the country the last month, it was, I mean, the rest of the country was baking. Yeah, I was in Pittsburgh and Buffalo for a couple days and it was unbearable. How did it all go, man?

Did you go to Nashville? Did not go to Nashville, no. I opted to come home rather than get on a bus for two days to drink beer with a bunch of radio station guys. Did Bert do it? Yes, Bert did do it and he flew in. No, he bused in from Buffalo to Nashville on Tuesday, got there in the morning. You know, they drove overnight on Monday night, got there in the morning, then had some kind of beer festival until about four o'clock

and then he got on a private jet to Ohio to do a show that night at seven o'clock. I'm sure wasted. He is a nonstop man. We get up there and it's like, you know, we take the bus overnight, we get to Buffalo, we get out of the bus and there is a basketball hoop is now set up and foosball and cornhole and there's a massage room and there's incredible dining room set up and there is a pen full of puppies from a rescue

that they arranged to come over so we could pet them and massage chairs and a trainer with a full weight setup, an inclined chair. I mean, it just goes on and on and on and on. Electric bikes that travel with the tour that you can fuck around on. And then we get picked up in golf carts and taken to Six Flags, which happens to be about a half a mile from the venue.

It's an outdoor venue and it's raining. And so Bert's like, fuck it, we're going. So we go in the rain in golf carts to an amusement park that's empty because nobody goes to the amusement park in the rain. So we got it, not completely to ourselves, but it doesn't matter because we have a concierge. And so we are cutting the line,

just looking in the sad eyes of bald kids with this was their wish and going, sorry kids, he's kind of a big podcaster. We just, we're just gonna jump on the tilt-a-wheel real quick. And so we went, we went on like six or seven very intense roller coasters to the point where my neck still hurts. I was nauseous at the show that night.

And then we, you know, you get back and it was just, it was, and then the after party goes on all night and then you just get on the bus and you go to the next place and you wake up in the next city. And Burt's just like, he gave me a sick gift bag. It was not, you can't even call it a bag. They're shipping me bags of stuff.

Oh my god. And all like really high-end shit. So, but he's always up. He's up, he's connected, he's never stressed out, he's never overwhelmed. The guy just enjoys living like this. Well he gets a lot of stress out by shooting baskets with puppies. I don't know if he did that when you were there, buddy. He just bangs them. I heard a noise. I was in bed that night and I heard squealing. Three pointers.

He just bangs them off the backboard. These little adorable puppies. They can't be too big. That's why they're puppies. And he does it off the backboard on purpose. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's more graphic that way. It's great. Well, it's not like a basketball because when a basketball hits the backboard, sometimes it gets a, there's a little bit too much of a bounce and you miss. Yeah. But a soft pop- Not with the puppies.

No. Thud. No, not at all. Swish. Thud. Swish. That's what I heard. Thud, yelp, swish. And then- And then he pumps them back up with air. So I'm a little tired today.

Last night I went, uh, I got hooked up big time. Someone gave me two tickets to Chris Stapleton at the Hollywood Bowl. No! Yeah, it was really in the craziest seats ever and then in the friends and family there's a roof deck that I've never even seen and it's a friends and family with all free food and drinks. Wait, what venue? The Hollywood Bowl. Damn! And I was drinking Stapleton's whiskey and of course it's

the Tennessee whiskey, which is not even his song. It's a cover. And the cover of course stole Etta James like note for note. But anyway, he, listen, he's pretty magic. I will say, and this is, I hate to be this guy, but his know his wife is up there and it's There's such a vanity like she has better lighting. She has all this I guess she I in my opinion as she clearly is found ozempic But there's just and then there's like acting that goes on Sometimes during some of the songs that have lyrics about you know know, couples and love. And and I just I'm like, I'll pay more.

And this is so mean. But can I pay more just to see Chris? Yeah. Who who is like head down working. She, by the way, has a tambourine, which Jesse, who I went with, my friend pointed out, isn't even miked. So. That's amazing. Do you think they turned Yoko's mic on? No. No, I know.

Also, like, all right, this microphone that I'm using on this podcast is way fancier, I think, than the one Chris uses. Chris seems to use the one that you gave me, like the standby that everyone uses. The Shure, yeah. It looked like a Shure with like a, you know, a silver like mesh headless and it's wired. She has a gold microphone.

Oh God. That's wireless and the fanciest thing ever. Uh huh. Yeah. I mean. I also know some things I've heard in Nashville kind of of like, you know, she's very, whatever, I'll leave that out. But like, so that might've predisposed me,

but it is, I don't know, very annoying. It's just, like even Patty Scafie, or whatever her name is, Bruce Springsteen's wife. Like, she comes on, and I know a lot of fans are like, can we just get back to Bruce or whatever. But there isn't, even though she's had a lot of work done, so has Bruce by the way, Chris has not.

But there's less vanity. With Morgan, there was such this energy going on that was detracting and distracting. Yeah, I think Patty is a good example of like, you can go on the road, you can bring your significant other, and that's fun for you guys, but they don't have to be front and center. They're not why people came.

Like, and she doesn't come, apparently Patty only comes to like the LA dates, the New York dates, the Paris dates, you know, she's not, she's not grinding it out in Cincinnati with the crew. Although she used to be in the band, so you know. No, she used to, but she doesn't anymore. And then I pointed out like, I'm like, look at her lighting, That must be the longest, the most arduous part of their setup and load-in is her lighting. And then he's like, also, she's more center stage

than Chris, Jesse pointed out, and he was right. Yeah, well. So anyway, Stapleton's amazing. It was a good show. And that voice alone is just so crazy. I heard he had a very good interview on Stern, and he talks about, like, it's all about songwriting. Like, he writes every day apparently,

and it's really about that. And what's his drinking status? I don't know, I mean, I was just gonna say, I hope he drinks, because he's pushing liquor, but I guess that doesn't have to be a prerequisite of that or a condition of it. I don't know what his deal is. Yeah.

It seems like those guys are either raging alcoholics or they're so sober that they have to cross fit. Well, I think he's famously dry, I think. I think he credits Morgan with saving his life. I think. I don't know. Wasn't that Jason Isbell's story? I think it's a lot of, well, Jason Isbell

was a massive alcoholic boy. In the documentary, they really spent a lot of time on that. Yeah. And he was with his band and like, yeah, it was everyone thought he was gonna drink himself to death or like get, or die because he was drunk. What do you think of this Jelly Roll guy? I know, I don't know.

I need to know more about him. I enjoy what I've heard and fucking love him in interviews. He did Stern and he was so, you just fell in love with him on Stern. And also on the Burt podcast, I guess he was drinking during it because they had a long conversation about alcohol abuse and personal identity with it and all that stuff.

You know, it's gonna be so easy, like let's say, God forbid something happened to Burt. It'd be so easy to be like, well, we got to blame, like, look at everyone who went along with it, his family, his immediate family, his parents, like, kind of as if he's like a Belushi. Meanwhile, Burt is so hyper concerned with health, despite the drinking, like. He's trying to accommodate the drinking. That's why he tries to get all the toxins out. He works out like a fiend because he is well, well, well aware of his overindulgence. Yeah, he earns the drinking.

Earns it. Yeah, I mean, no one I guess fully does, but whatever. So anyway, it's not like people are blind to it. What's this about Willie Nelson? Oh yeah, I forgot, Govind's text last week, he sent me. But Willie Nelson, so Springsteen had to take a little more time off in the European leg of his trip.

And then Crazy Horse just canceled the remaining shows. I saw that, yeah. Neil Young and Crazy Horse. And then Willie Nelson now is sick and laid low and has not come back. And that, you know, listen, that guy is so old, 90, I guess, and it's, let me try to find Govind Zemo. So it's just these old, you know, big musical acts. There's a huge concern with their health.

I mean, that's a real factor. Yeah, and for some of them not selling tickets. A bunch of shows got canceled this summer, tours, because they just weren't, you know, Jennifer Lopez. Oh yeah, J-Lo wasn't selling anywhere. She had to cancel, but a bunch of different acts canceled. So I think things are,

I think people are finally tapping the brakes on live shows. It's just, there's so many, I mean, just comedy alone. And then you got so many genres of music. And so I think people are finally, the epidemic money is running out. Oh, so here Dennis goes, Bill, William Walton, then Willie, William Mays, and then he was wondering who would be the third William,

and then he just saw the news story on Willie Mays, and he goes, talk about it on the pod, with an exclamation point. What other Willys are there? William, William Hurt could go down next. I think William Hurt died. No. Tex Gubbins, quick.

I know, here you go, William Hurt. Oh, he died. Oh, he gone. William Hurt died? He gone, he gone. Damn, he ain't hurt no more. William Hurt died? He gone, he gone. Damn, he ain't hurting no more. William Hurt died March 13th, 2022 in Portland, Oregon. How'd he die?

He died, good question. COVID? Let's see here. No one's gonna ask that in the Google things. All right, let's see. William Hurt, how die? How die? William Hurt, how die? How die?

Prostate cancer. According to my computer. We have a good friend, a neighbor, who we've known for 25 years. She just got diagnosed with stage three lung cancer. She was a big smoker. She is a big smoker. I just hope AI and all the new advances find these cures. Like now. I'm already old. It has to happen now. What's the deal with this girl? I'm hearing all about the, the hawk-twa girl.

Hawk-twa, yeah of course. Well there was a big article that, you know, this is like some guy on the street who was in Nashville asked like, what do you, what do you do or what's the best way to spice up your sex life? And she's like, you got a hawk-twa on it, you know? Like, and anyway, to me, it's everyone listening. I think already knows this so one massively viral Then there's a story this week that she lost her job because of it But I the the jury's out on it. I think that's a false story. Yeah

Well, I'm looking at my key in our text chain asked I like he feels sorry for this girl Like is her life ruined? I'm like up. Mikey in our text chain asked, he feels sorry for this girl. Is her life ruined? I'm like, well, not her love life. She's gonna do quite well. Yeah, that's a serious porn move. I've never had a woman huck-toi. Never. Huck-toi.

I think if a woman huck-toied, I'd be like, yeah, I'm good. You're a little too good at this. I want somebody who's a little bit insecure about their sexuality, a little tentative. I don't want a fucking pro. I don't want you putting fucking talcum powder on your hands and rubbing them together,

doing squats, doing neck rolls. Let's just kiss and see what happens. Okay, conservative Greg. Well, I like to be the experienced one, I guess is what I'm saying. Yeah, the upper hand, so to speak. Yeah, JoJo? Oh good, she's gone.

Yeah, like for me, I was, I hate this phrase. I didn't take anyone's virginity, but I was a part of the deflowering experience for several young ladies. And you know, when I was young too, but I got my first one out of the way fast, and then I suddenly felt very, can I use the word cocky?

I felt very like in control. And I like to think that I provided an indispensable first experience for a number of young women. Yeah, are you indispensable? Does that mean trauma? I'm wondering. One of them came to my show on the road recently.

She showed up with her husband and I was on the stage and I mentioned that I had been there first to him. Lord. I go, oh, she's great. Yeah, but you know, you got her now, but hey, I had been there first to him. Oh, Lord. I go, oh, she's great. Yeah, but you know, you got her now, but hey, I had her first. Oh, what a warm, fun, friendly show. Our logo today comes from Jane S,

who's a dear friend of the show. She did the Sunday Papers Bunch, which was a combination of our podcast with the Family Circus, with the Brady Bunch. Yep. And you would be Mike and I would be Carol, I guess, right? I think Mike was the center upper row. Yeah. Center square upper row.

I don't know. Yeah. The song this week from Emmett Hall, fantastic, loved it. Emmett's donated much of his talent to the show. Thank you, Emmett, loved it. And by the way, don't forget, you can always hear the full versions of these songs. We just play you a clip and then after the credits at the end, we roll the whole song. Corrections, man, did they hit us hard this week, Mike Gibbons. Oh man, I think you maybe hold on.

It's a section. It's an unofficial section. Well, Bob Patterson, otherwise known as Bob anal Patterson, Bob Pito, wrote in to say during the Greg guesses the date game last week, Mike Gibbons talks about the last stand of George Custer and his seventh Calvary at the Battle of the Bighorn. Come on Mike, Jesus, it's cavalry. Cavalry. Do you say Calvary? I think I do drop an L in there, Calvary. I wouldn't spell it that way, that's the interesting thing. Yeah, but this isn't a written show, this isn't a blog post. It's a spoken word experience.

But you can put closed caption on YouTube. Alex Edmond says, Mike said his friend from Argentina grew up with Messi and Larry Bird posters on his wall. Messi is too young to be on the same wall as Larry Bird. Your friend most likely- Oh my God, no, I so take it back, you're right, it was Maradona. That's what he just wrote, he probably had a post- Oh he did?

For the late great Diego Maradona. It was. 100%. Yeah, so there you go. Thank god George doesn't listen, he would have, that Argentinian anger would have fired up on his own correction. Yes. Clark said, oh he's got a whole laundry list of hockey stuff. You said Conor, we're talking about Conor McGregor, has the record for most points in the playoffs and he's way

ahead now by three or four points. Actually, he has the record for most assists in one playoff run. Conor is at 34, Gretzky's record was 31. Got it. I think points as well. Here's the record for most points in a playoff run. Gretzky has 47, Lemieux has 44, then Gretzky has 43, and then Connor currently at 42 with one game to go. Well I think he got skunked in the last game. He didn't get a point I don't believe. Yeah you said the NHL used to go 2-3-2 meaning two at home three on the road and two at home for best of seven series. You might be confusing that with baseball. The NHL hasn't used the 2-3-2 format since 1994. Well, maybe that's when I

stopped watching hockey. You forget how old I was watching the Rangers back when it was Barry Beck, the Maloney brothers, Phil Esposito, Dave Johnson with no teeth in his face. And 94 was the one and only time the Rangers won since 1940. That's correct. NHL goes 2-2-1-1-1 with the higher seeded team getting games 1-2-5-7 in their ranks. Well thank you Clark. Man that's a lot of traveling. I know and then they take three days off in between games it's like will you cut the shit please? And it's the most gear to travel with. Yeah. Well, now Equestrian,

you're forgetting about Equestrian, Mike. Well, except you ride to the event. Mike, you prance. Mike has said that he didn't think rugby was an Olympic sport. This is untrue. Rugby sevens will be played at this year's Olympics. That's not what I'm referring to. Two more corrections for Mike.

Columbus never set foot in North America, rather in the Caribbean. Yes, I know. Or the Caribbean. Interesting. Mike also didn't think y'all had any young listeners. I'm 22 and I haven't missed a week since 2021. Wow, wow.

So he was 17 when he was listening. Man, Daniel. Grew up with us. Yeah. Andrew N says, homeowner's insurance is required with a mortgage of any size. I said that you only needed it

if you owed more than 80% of the value of the house. Yeah, I didn't buy that either. The insurance that is required only until 20% of the mortgage is paid off is PMI, which protects the lender against the borrower who doesn't have much skin in the game. That's it for this week.

All right, Andrew N. Yeah, I don't know about that, because how can they say that if California and Florida are no longer offering homeowners insurance, what are they gonna do with my mortgage? I gotta pay it off now? Wait, what are you talking about? He's saying, he says homeowners insurance is required with a mortgage of any size. Well, what do you talking about? He's saying, he says homeowner's insurance

is required with a mortgage of any size. Well, what do you want me to do? They won't give it to me. Well, you still have a mortgage or is it paid off? No, I still have a mortgage. Oh, okay. I'll listen to you. We don't have any insurance anywhere.

Listen to you, renter. Don't fucking look down at your nose. Sorry, how's it going? Yeah. Andy and San Diego, love the podcast and the most underrated YouTube show. Yes, don't forget people, go to the Greg Fitzsimmons page on YouTube,

check out what we look like, it's pretty impressive. I have a correction of sports. Geez, we're getting hit with the sports. Never in the history of Madison Square Garden have ranger fans cheered or clap for any opponent. I have heard this BS story from the New Yorkers before that clap was a Bronx cheer at best. Okay, fine. And then I disagree.

And then Ray Jepson said, the Mormon underwear is only worn at the temple, so presumably it only protects them from trans Mormons at the temple. Mike suggested that the underwear was something worn all the time. Sometimes you're lazy. It's kind of like, you know, a lot of Catholics would be slow to take off the suit after Sunday mass. They start drinking with it on, they go to a friend's house. You're not gonna take your magic underwear off on the car ride or at your friends.

That's a little embarrassing. I think when they're made of wool, you take them off as quickly as you can. They're Mormons. Maybe the magic underwear is disposable now, or it's magic, maybe you can just make it disappear. Well, it's black, so you don't get skid marks, so you don't really have to throw it out ever.

Is it black? You know that? Let's just say I've been around. I've seen stuff. Oh, no, did you deflower a bunch of Mormons? Oh! Called them Moments that night, Moments. Oh. Ray Gibson also said you were confused Oh, called the moments that night, moments. Oh, oof. Ray Gibson also said you were confused

how John Cabot could have been the first European to reach North America when Columbus arrived five years earlier. Columbus did reach North America, but not the mainland. He landed in Hispaniola, which is the Dominican Republic, and John Cabot landed in Newfoundland or Nova Scotia. So there you go. There you go. New fees. They're the butt of a lot of jokes up there. Speaking of traveling, I'll be out in Austin to do the Joe Rogan

show on August 13th. Tune into that. Then my special comes out August 12th. It is called, you ready for this? Yes. You know me. You got it. I think you voted for that. I put it out to the people and you voted for that. You know me. Yeah. Denver Comedy Works on August 29th through the 31st and then at the Austin Mothership September 6th through the 8th out in Alaska in Fairbanks in September and then San Francisco go to FitzDog.com get your tickets. What do you want to talk about now Mike? I wouldn't mind talking about Mint Mobile. What about you? Oh well. My favorite spring cleaning takeaway is the post

clean clarity you get. Wow. How have I been living like this? It's like when you find out you've been paying a fortune for wireless, when Mint Mobile has phone plans for $15 a month, when you purchase a three month plan, ah, it's crazy, it's time to switch to Mint Mobile, get unlimited talk, text and data for $15 a month. And the quality, let me tell you something about the quality compared

to I don't know if I can say my old provider but let's just say it was a major provider. Mint Mobile is more clear, less drop off, I don't get any drop off from Mint Mobile and I'm saving so much money. It's the largest 5G network, are you kidding me? Yeah. So, ditch the overpriced wireless with Mint Mobile's limited time deal and you get three months of the premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month.

Great service, why wouldn't you do it? To get this new customer offer and your new three month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash papers that's MintMobile.com slash papers cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at MintMobile.com slash papers 45 upfront payment required equivalent of 15 dollars a month new customers the first three month plan only speeds slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Yes sir. Okay front

page ready? Front page. Here it comes. Extra! Extra! We are the thotage! Extra! Hear ye, hear ye. All right, a little update. I think we're I think we found a trend. Oklahoma state superintendent announces all schools must incorporate the Bible and the Ten Commandments in curriculums. Oh, Oklahoma, with the commandments in the class, thou shalt not murder or steal your wife

He's stealing a lady Every classroom in the state from grades 5 through 12 must have a Bible and all teachers must teach From the Bible in the classroom Wow the Superintendent said the Bible is an indispensable historical and cultural touchstone without basic knowledge of it. Oklahoma students are unable to properly contextualize the foundation of our nation. This is not merely an educational directive, but a crucial step

in ensuring our students grasp the core values and historical context of our country. But they're conveniently going to skip one of the most important tenets of the foundation of our nation, the separation of church and state. Amen, Mike. Amen. That separation of church and state promoted religious pluralism and allows all Americans to practice their deeply held beliefs in private and public. All right, so this is to give the kids a contextualized understanding of our nation.

So I would imagine there will be a book about the Tulsa Massacre, where hundreds of black people were murdered basically because they had created, did you read about this? They created their own town. There was a lot of towns actually in Oklahoma that were black and they were extremely, in Tulsa they called it the Wall Street. Yeah, Black Wall Street. The Black Wall Street and they came in and they murdered hundreds of them. Meanwhile, these same people that want

the Ten Commandments up are not allowing any of this stuff to be taught to the kids. So they're forcing one and afraid of the other. Well, my brother-in-law George, who had Maradona and Larry Bird on his wall, he grew up in Tulsa, went to school there, his whole childhood, graduated high school, not one mention of the Tulsa massacre. No shit.

Yep. He couldn't believe it. He found out about it like in his 40s. And now it's gotten a lot more publicity, but it's so disgraceful. All right, so 300 people are murdered and guess how many people were arrested? I'm gonna say zero.

How about one? Oh. And it was a black guy. For carrying a concealed weapon. He spent 30 days in jail. That's so much worse than zero. I know. And how about this?

Like, immeasurably. If we're given context, you think maybe there'll be a leaflet about Christian nationalism and manifest destiny justified the genocide of the native people. Will that come up? Will it come up that in Oklahoma, it was filled with prospering, happy, beautiful Indians

and they were murdered filled with prospering, happy, beautiful Indians, and they were murdered because it would manifest destiny was just the belief that Christianity needs to be spread. That's it. Right, no. Well, do you think, I mean, obviously it's an old tactic, an old trick, but do you think people of other faiths, like Muslims and Jews will now

sort of will try to piggyback and attach their texts that they should be in the classroom alongside the Bible? And the Bible people will, they would rather kill their bill than to have those texts in the classroom. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. That's one way to do it. Yep. I like it, Mike. I think you should go to Oklahoma. Or the Sunday Papers podcast. Maybe we put out a text version. It's a holy day. A lot of people might believe in this more than they believe in God. They might get their spiritual day a lot of people might believe in this more than they believe in God and might get their spiritual foundation from us. Yeah I just don't think that they get the internet in Oklahoma yet. Oh no. Wait didn't we go to Tulsa? Yes we and we went to the museum and it was closed but we had full intent but we walked up and

down the neighborhood and walked all over and they have plaques in the sidewalk for all the businesses that were burned down. Yeah, right. It's so crazy. All right, listen, we're recording this on Thursday. The debate starts in like, by the way, it's only 4.30 here in LA. I'm wondering if it's over because these two old men,

what time do they go to bed? But the debate is tonight. So we're in the dark, you listeners know what happened, but I'm terrified because to me, this is- Wait, hold for one second. There's a smoke alarm going off. I have to turn, is it off? All right, thank you.

Nevermind, go ahead. This story's too hot to handle. That's what just happened. Because to me, this is a little like bum fights, remember those? Yeah. Where I like feel incredibly nervous about watching it, and it seems wrong.

I don't know if they can do it, and I don't know if they're gonna die while doing it. That's how I'm viewing this debate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's something that you're, you know, you talk to other people like, oh, you gotta see this, and then you see it, and you're just nauseous.

You feel like you never wanna watch TV again. Yeah. One of the things I read this article, one of the articles was like, that is advisors. Someone from the inside said, one of the big pieces of advice for Trump, because they felt when Trump got mean and very aggressive, kind of like constantly interrupting in 2020, that that was one of the reasons he lost.

So his team is like, please be less of yourself at the debate. That was one. And then another one was, and this guy paraphrased it, and he was one of the consultants, don't be a raging asshole when you're on stage with Biden. And don't take the bait from the sitting president. Meanwhile, it seems easy to bait Biden into gaffes.

Just ask him what the question doctors ask patients who might be suffering amnesia. Do you know what year it is, sir? Here's another one. Do you know who the president is? That's a trick question. That's not fair. Yeah, that's hilarious.

Yeah, I think it's gonna decide a lot of things right now because you hear so many different polls about who's in the lead right now, and obviously nobody believes polls anymore because they've been wrong for the last three elections, like way off the last three elections. So something like this is more of a quantifiable way of saying like, all right, that got this guy closer

for sure, you know? And I love that like Trump's camp was like, they made a mistake by first downplaying Biden and saying, oh, this guy, this guy's afraid to debate me because he can't debate. And then they realized you don't want him to be the underdog because everybody pulls for the underdog. And then if he just does a middling job,

everybody's like, wow, that was a win for Biden. So then all of a sudden they've been saying for the last week, well, this guy's proved himself. He's a good debater. He's sharp. Trump's ready for him. They do get out their talking points very well. All right. So listen, this this story, somebody sent this.

And I thought, oh, this is perfect for you. I hope it's true. Let's do it. It is true. A newly installed highway sign near Cotman Avenue and the site of last year's I-95 collapse. Yeah. Where Governor Josh Shapiro declared Pennsylvania gets shit done is misspelled. It pointed drivers to the ramp for southbound I-95 towards central Philadelphia.

Unfortunately, the T and the R are transposed, so it says Centertal. Centertal. Kind of sounds like a Philadelphia accent. Murder, dirt, or Centertal. They- Centertal. Well, here's the great thing. They also misspelled Philadelphia.

It should be F-I-L-A-D-E-L-F-I-A. What was with the fucking P-Hs? Yeah, absolutely. So I looked it up. Yeah. So I looked it up. Why is it P-H? And this is what I found.

The name Philadelphia ultimately comes from a moniker given to the ancient Greek ruler of Egypt who gained notoriety because he married his own full sister. There you go, Philadelphia. No doubt a hawk to a gal from Philly. It's part of Philly's plan, I think, to keep outsiders away because unlike Philadelphians, the sign is so confusing for people who know how to read. So it doesn't apply to Philly people.

They're not confused by the sign. They didn't even notice it. Yeah, they've got their own way of spelling. Like for instance, the flyers, misspelled. It's F-L-I-E-R-S. Flyers are things you hand out on their pamphlets. That's what a flyer is. A flyer like a plane is F-L-I-E-R-S.

Got it. Is that right? Is that how it goes? That is correct. All right. Yeah. Maybe it's going to catch on, by the way. Like I'm going to take the train up to Grand Central Station.

Yeah. Is that Mountain or Central Time? The Senator from... Grand Central Station. Yeah. Is that Mountain or Central Time? The Senator from- Senator, Senator time. The Senator from Pennsylvania will be speaking at the house and he'll be like, well, the central point of my argument is that, all right.

Senator Square. All right, what is this? What is this shooting? A witness who works at Holt Builders Society across the street from a shooting at the Mad Butcher grocery store told Fox News he heard several rounds and saw victims being medevacked from the scene.

The employee said multiple agencies were down here trying to figure out what was going on. We saw a policeman running around the pharmacy, which is right next to the mad butcher. I mean, come on, imagine? Imagine the shit that went down at Crazy Eddie. Remember Crazy Eddie? You never knew what that guy was gonna do.

It was crazy. I mean, those were all over the country, right? Crazy Eddie or was that just a New York thing? I don't think so. I think it was the Northeast. It was like a public access type commercial where he's like, the prices are so low, I'm insane. Same.

Yeah, so Crazy Eddie was, I think it went national though. It was an electronic store. And then I looked up what happened to the guy, because I haven't seen a crazy Eddie in a long time. Right, no, no, it went under. Apparently they laundered the skimmed money back into the company, which helped them inflate crazy Eddie's revenues and profits.

Eventually, Eddie was unable to sustain his fraudulent business practices, so he cashed in millions of dollars worth of stock and resigned in December 1986. So he wasn't crazy at all. He was pretty sane. Meanwhile, when I hear about the violence at the Mad Butchers, I wasn't thinking gunshots.

I'm thinking build a butcher from the five points. I'm thinking blades, hatchets, stuff like that. Yeah, this is uh, this is only one way to kill when you're the Mad Butcher. Yeah, and by the way, that must be fun for the public defender who got assigned this case. Like he's sitting there with his other public defenders, like, what did you get? Oh, I got a robbery on the city bus. What about you? I got a killing and my client is the mad butcher.

Oh, okay. Good luck with that one. Yeah, good luck with your bus case. There's also, there's a restaurant in Marina Del Rey that we just went to recently called Killer Shrimp. So I'm gonna stay a little clear at Killer Shrimp. Yeah, that's little angry people who just can't take it anymore.

There was a salon in Manhattan when I lived there called Curl Up and Die, DYE Salon. Wow, that's very New York. Yeah. That's very New York. Yeah. That's great. All right, let's get to McDonald's. Oh boy. A McDonald's franchise.

Actually, this should be under international because I think this was in France. It was. Mickey D's franchise has been found liable for harassment and discrimination against a trans woman after a manager put up a sign telling employees to dead name her. It was Cynthia D's first job when she started working

at the McDonald's in Sagra, France in 2022. She was in the process of transitioning, hadn't told her boss yet, and then she was running late for work, decided to go to work wearing women's clothes, breast padding and makeup. She told the magistrate that she thought her coworkers would be supportive of her, but soon after,

she was forced to have a meeting about placing her in a new position at work where she was on the receiving end of transphobic comments. The manager asked her to take off her makeup and put up a sign banning her co-workers from using her chosen first name. They sent her to a supermarket to buy makeup remover and she was told not to come to work anymore. Meanwhile, the head of the company is dressed as a clown. Full makeup. I want to

speak to Ronald about this. I'm going right to the top. I'm going all the way to the top. Where's those red shoes and that red nose? I'm not blaming the manager for not knowing. Like the first thing that should go when you're transition is lose the D. It's Cynthia D. That D was still there. That's on her. Come on. Erase the D. Nobody wants your D anymore. And he did the right thing. He moved her from the giving end to the receiving end.

Like, isn't that sympathetic? Yes. He gets it. I think so. Did you notice as soon as she identified as a woman, she was late to work? She probably almost crashed putting makeup on in the car. She wasn't late to work when she identified as a woman, she was late to work. She probably almost crashed putting makeup on in the car. She wasn't late to work when she identified as a male. And think about McDonald's, what a company.

I was reading the history of, what's his name? Kroc, one time. And that guy basically realized that inner cities were being underserved food. And so he started buying up the worst properties in the ghettos of America and putting in the shittiest possible. He is responsible for more diabetes and obesity.

It's a fucking evil company. As somebody broke down the ingredients in a McDonald's french fry, it was horrifying. There's like 22 ingredients in a french fry. Oh, but also genetically engineered potatoes, which are copywritten. Hey, did you see the McDonald's movie? I heard it's good.

No, I did not see it. It's good, it's, you know, with, of course, I'm not gonna get it, it's Michael. Uh, no, I did not see it. It's good. It's, you know, with, of course, I'm not going to get it. It's Michael Keaton, I believe. Michael Keaton, Jesus. But I wonder if it was, I don't know the history, Ray Kroc,, and I don't know if that was Kroc, who really was the idea guy on how to take McDonald's to the next level. And I think a lot of the food was bastardized, and it's gotten more corporate, obviously,

from decade to decade. I wonder if it was, when it started, and I'm gonna see the movie, but I wonder if it was a little more wholesome and healthier when it started, and I'm gonna see the movie, but I wonder if it was a little more wholesome and healthier when it started. Oh, I'm sure, I'm sure. Look, everything that goes corporate gets worse. It's crazy, you know?

It's happening in Hollywood right now. Yep, it is. Wall Street bought up all the agencies and production companies, and now they're making garbage and they're making very little of it. They're worse than making garbage. They're shutting everything down, which we're gonna get to in the business section.

Okay, good. All right, so let's get to Phoebe Gates, the daughter of tech entrepreneur Bill Gates and ex-wife Melinda confirmed her relationship with Arthur Donalds, who is the grandson of the Beatles vocalist, Paul McCartney. Is that what we refer to him as? The Beatles vocalist?

That's the weirdest description ever. That's an undersell. The guy who at times played every single instrument. The guy who wrote really all the songs. Yeah. Gates, who graduated from Stanford University, showed a photo of her getting a piggyback ride at the commencement ceremony.

She graduated with a degree in human biology. Her mother, Melinda, delivered the commencement speech at the ceremony, which Gates said was an inspiration for her to complete her bachelor's degree in three years. Which, by the way, I think she also went to Juilliard School for acting and I believe she was a very accomplished ballerina. It's like, cut the shit.

You know what kind of money you're coming into? Relax. Go to community college. How did she get into Stanford, I wonder, with her father being the king of Silicon Valley? Undisputed king of Silicon Valley. Meanwhile, it's gotta be tough to be McCartney's grandson. It's like, yeah, my grandfather's worth a billion dollars.

And she's like, cute, cute, my mom's worth 11 billion. Oh, and my dad's worth $133 billion. And by the way, I'm using Silicon Valley figuratively. Weren't they up in Washington? But I'm referring to that like you refer to Wall Street. It's the industry. but I'm referring to that like you refer to Wall Street. It's the industry. Yes.

Microsoft was up in, what's the name of that town? Seattle. Seattle-ish. Yeah, I used to do a show in that. There was a club that was in that town, the Microsoft town. Really? Yeah. All right, I'll look on Microsoft headquarters right now.

It is... I used to know it off the top of my head, but those days are gone. Redmond, baby. Nope. Redmond, Washington. Nope. Well, that's what I'm going with.

I think that's where it started, but that's not where the headquarters are now. Okay. It's Belleville, I think. Bellevue. Bellevue is where Microsoft is now. Yeah, you're right. On January 1st, 1979, the company moved from Albuquerque, poor Albuquerque, lost that one, to a new home in Bellevue, Washington. It was hard to recruit top programmers to Albuquerque. Although they'll be in Austin soon, that's the trend. All going to Austin. All right, let's do some entertainment. All right, here comes entertainment.

I gotta get a new paper, man. This paper is spent. You gotta get a new paper man this paper is spent. You gotta get some new shirts Jesus Christ. Look behind you. Paisley? When's the last time you wore that paisley shirt? You have one color and your entire drab ass fucking New York black and brown entirely yeah there's a there's a fucking sleeve. And you got that one red shirt next to you,

which I've known you 35 years. I've never seen you wear that shirt. That's not mine. There it is. All right, here we go. That's fun to listen to. By the way, how do you name your kid Phoebe Gates? Yeah.

When everyone of that age, Phoebe Gates is a legend. Like truly a legend in terms of everyone knows her name, knows about her, knows her most famous scene in all of her film work. No, everybody in our generation jerked off to her. Well, no, no, but I'm literally saying it was a zeitgeist name and it has endured. I mean, people, probably not that young listener

who we read his comment up top, but like Phoebe Cates, everybody knew. Like you just know. And she had the famous scene in Fast Times of Ridgemont High, but. With the car song playing. Certainly when Phoebe Gates was born, that name was, it must've been the most,

she must be so sick of hearing about that. Yeah, yeah. Well, I had a, there's a club booker up in San Francisco whose name is Tom Sawyer. I believe that preceded him by about 150 years. up in San Francisco whose name is Tom Sawyer. I believe that preceded him by about 150 years. Well, he's today's Tom Sawyer. He gets high on you.

Yeah, man. All right, so entertainment. There's a trending popular document right now. Tell them you love me. So it's about a woman. I don't want to, it's about a woman who has a patient who can't communicate verbally. And so that's what it's about.

But in it, one of her other clients, this woman, who has a very difficult time talking, but she's my favorite character in the documentary. And it's only a 90 minute documentary, it's not a series. But one thing she said really made me think. So she said, she goes, about the doctor, she's like, not the doctor, about the, I think she's a, maybe a, she's a worker, I don't know exact title,

but she's a therapist. And she goes, she's able to look at me and drain out of her brain all of the things she thinks I'm going to say and Just listens to what I do say and I was just like don't get it Don't understand that I've tried it. It doesn't work. Yeah, yeah. And no, but I really was like, I'm never gonna be that. And I know it's virtuous.

And I know my daughters want me to be like a better listener and to hear them and then not to like come up with an example, even though it's all well intended. But I, I kind of like, and I was with, I went to the concert with Jesse last night and Jesse Can I just cut you off for a second and tell you something? Yeah. I kind of like, and I went to the concert with Jesse last night. And Jesse shared- Can I just cut you off for a second and tell you something? Yeah. I was just feeling bad because my phone dinged

while you started telling the story and I read a text and literally didn't know what you were talking about in the second half of that story, I swear to God! Ha ha ha ha! Well, everyone listening knows the two of us by now and like we are not that, but I have to say, you are much better at it than I.

You really like, I feel heard very often. And people with me, I mean, feel heard is not the right phrase. They know I've listened, and they know now I'm responding. But I guess you have to know that if you're the friend who's going to come to me with a problem, Mike's going to have some opinions on what, like, you're not just going to feel, I'm not just going to listen.

Yes. I'd like to say that's. You're going to spitball. I'd like to say that's active listening, gonna spitball, you're gonna spitball. I'd like to say that's active listening, but that's not exactly, that's flattering myself also. Well, can we also review what happened on the fifth tea at Penmar that day? What happened there?

Well, we were walking to the tea and you said, how's your mom? And I said, well, she just had a scare with cancer. They found something in her. And he go, oh, wow. And then he went, nice hit, Dennis, and walked to the tee and teed up your ball. And I was like, what the fuck?

You see, that was a good one. I didn't give any advice. I didn't put myself in my reaction. I didn't tell you that, you know, my mom is similar situation. I really heard you. You didn't project it anyway, what was going on with me.

You just listened to the words for a second. It was about you and I let you get that out and then I told you I heard you. Yeah, that's what we did. But anyway, this, wait, why did I put this line in here? Oh, the patient has- But you were talking about Jesse for a second. What?

You were talking about Jesse, and then I cut you off to tell you that I hadn't listened to the first half of the story. Right, no, no, I was just saying that I did a good job of really just listening, but it's not natural for me. No, it's why you accuse me of like staring when people are talking.

I stare at people. I literally don't know how to look away when someone's talking. Sometimes I say to myself, okay, look away now, cause that's what people do, and then you can look back at them again. But I'm unable, and I look at other people listening to people, and I go, oh my God,

look at how they talk, and then they glance away, and they come back, and they listen, and they glance away. I have what's been described as maniacal eye contact. My brother has it, and I have it. Yeah, I think I coined that phrase for you. I think you did. I mean, the phrase existed, but I put it, attached it and I have it. Yeah, I think I coined that phrase for you. I think you did. I mean, the phrase existed, but I put it,

attached it to you. Yeah. All right, what are you watching? Are you watching anything about severe mental retardation with cerebral palsy? That's what I watched. I watched The Boys, which is, I think it's the third season,

might even be the fourth, but it is, it's so good. It's gory as shit, the acting's good. The main actress got some serious plastic surgery though, it's such a bummer. She's like 30 years old and she came back to the show and it's all anybody's talking about. It's like, don't you realize that if you go overboard,

you will ruin your career because it's so distracting. Look at what happened to Melanie Griffiths. She's never worked since that plastic surgery. Meg Ryan. Yeah. I would say Jennifer Aniston might be in a little bit of trouble right now as well. Well, that's all the chatter.

I'm seeing some photos and she does look different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What men have had bad plastic surgery? Oh God. John Travolta. The wrestler, he was in the film The Wrestler. Oh, Mickey Rourke.

Mickey Rourke. Yeah. Man, Mickey Rourke. He looks like one of the like lion ladies, you know? Like one of the ladies who famous That's what she's known for. Yeah, I'm so overboard. She looks like an animal I think Travolta's gone a little tight to a little too tight What's his name from Vegas also is really done a lot

No, but it's Steve Steve gourmet. No, it's very similar to Liberace? No, but it's very... Steve Gourmet? No, it's very similar to Liberace. No, Mr. Vegas. Yeah. Don Kishain. Yeah. I'd remember his name, but I don't recognize him, so I'm all thrown off. I know.

I know. All right, you keep going though. What else? You want to go to Paramount? I'll look up who's Mr. Vegas. You think if I Google Mr. Vegas, his name will come up? Yes. Mel Tormé, right?

No, not Mel Tormé. Mr. Vegas is now a Jamaican musical artist. Oh Jesus. How many people over the years have tried to call themselves Mr. Vegas, by the way? Mr. Vegas, that's all you get here. That was like in Boston there was like three different guys calling themselves the godfather of comedy in Boston. Maybe it's Mr. Las Vegas.

And there's been a couple of roast masters. Oh! As soon as you correct it and you put in Mr. Las Vegas it's Wayne Newton. Wayne Newton. He was in, wasn't he in Wayne's World? Maybe. I had him on Killborn a bunch. He was the nicest guy ever. Good listener. Of course he was.

Yeah, of course. This isn't a whole story, but I'm just mentioning Paramount has effectively shut down its Comedy Central website. Last week, they had been home to a repository of clips that included every episode of The Daily Show and all the Colbert report, snippets from At Midnight, the nightly show with Larry Wilmore,

the opposition with Jordan Klepper. Do we need to bring up the opposition with Jordan Klepper when we're talking about the 50 year history of the network? Also, the nightly show with Larry Wilmore barely made it. And Larry Wilmore is amazing, don't get me wrong, but that show did not last. But meanwhile, you want to talk about the most squandered opportunity in internet history. The internet is porn and comedy. Comedy Central owns a special or seven owns outright.

No residuals, no royalties for every single comedian that's ever existed in the United States. They shot three specials for me. I don't get a dime when they rerun them. It should all be on their website. That's amazing. There should be one place where people are going to see comedy

and that could have been Comedy Central, but everything was behind a paywall. Everything was like such a rich format that it took like two minutes of fucking pinwheeling before you could see anything. No, no. They were the worst. Ads built in. It was the worst and now they're fucking out of business. You blew it. They've also wiped South Park and Daily Show clips from their websites, Paramount has, it's insane. Over two decades of clips and news stories

have been wiped from Paramount's family of websites. And they're saying that you can sign up for Paramount Plus to watch all this stuff, but they're saying it is not available now on Paramount Plus. Meanwhile, I don't wanna sign up for Paramount+, I got seven channels already. So I'm trying to get Tosh.0 to stick, right? It's season one, Daniel and I created it,

and so we had a lot, I mean that was our currency, and we would make viral clips, we would do our own, like Bad Example, but like Cinnamon Challenge back then, or whatever it was, right? But anyway, we would do these stunts and Salvia taking Salvia and trying to complete tasks. And we did that with Tommy Chung and anyway, so, Chung, so I then like, I go, listen, we have all these other clips are like, great, get it. There. I'm like, all right, so where did it go? They're like, you didn't see it?

I'm like, no, they're like, oh no, it's on our website. I go to the website, it had three ads. I'm like, there's no such thing as a viral clip with an ad on it, like back then. And it was so crazy, like it had the bug, it had the da da da da, and the logo, then it had a pop-up ad, and a real ad also, like 20 seconds played or 10 seconds before it.

So, all of a sudden, I, in the hallway, pull aside a PA who's very savvy tech-wise, I'm like, listen, I hand him a thumb drive, I'm like, this meeting never happened. I go, I want you to go to Kinko's a random Kinko's. I want you to sign on as a guest to their computer, send this to Funny or Die and get this clip there. Here's the address. And this is what you're going to write in the text. And you're not going to sign it or anything. You have to make up an email account. That's what he did.

It got on Funny or Die. All of a sudden it was popping kind of like crazy and Comedy Central got furious. Yeah, yeah. It's unbelievable. Now because the corporations took over Comedy Central. First it was Viacom, then it was Time Warner, and then that got folded into two other companies, and it's just a bunch of Harvard MBAs

sitting around saying, what's the bottom line? How do we get dollars out of this? It was never about, you know, Comedy Central wants to go, oh, we love comedy, we care about comedy. It's like, you don't give a fuck. And how do we monetize? And I could hear them now saying,

like, you know what, fuckface, it's a business, Mike. This is a business. It's not like just an entertainment. I'm like, yeah, I'm thinking of it as a business. This show has to pop to stay on the air. And no one is going to send the clip you made to a friend. No one. Yeah, right, right. And the show and sure enough, I wind up leaving Tosh at the end of season one,

because they didn't know that they were bringing it back or not. And then I had to go over to Lopez or whatever. They were the most frustrating place. A lot of great people there, but so frustrating. And meanwhile, so they're shutting down the site, what to save money? I mean, is it the hard drive space? Because maybe, maybe delete the I'm with Busey episodes, or the Lil Bush, maybe get rid of those Lil Bush seasons. They have a lot to choose from in terms of things to get rid of. Let's go to Florida. Let's go to Florida.

Let's go to Florida. Here we go. All right. Florida. Hey, Florida man. A Florida man eating a dinner with his wife recently eating in a diner. Oh, sorry. Let's start again.

A Florida man eating in a diner with his, sorry. Let's start again. A Florida man eating in a diner with his wife recently sneezed so forcefully it caused parts of his intestines to exit his body through a surgical wound. The unnamed man. Yeah, I'd remain unnamed is 60 is a 63 year old who underwent cysts, a cystectomy, a procedure to remove a urinary bladder 15 days before the diner incident, leaving him with a healing surgical wound on his abdomen. The morning of the sneeze, that's what we're gonna call it,

the man's doctors reported that he was healing well and could remove staples binding the wound together. Do you remove your own staples now? I didn't know that. I do. He and his wife went out to breakfast at the diner to celebrate. During breakfast, the man sneezed forcefully,

followed by coughing. He immediately noticed a wet sensation and pain in his lower abdomen. Looking down, he observed several loops of pink bowel protruding from his recent surgical site. Stunned, the man covered the protuberance with his shirt. Considered driving himself to the hospital, but feared changing positions would make the wound worse,

so he called an ambulance. Yeah, imagine you're at the next table ordering, yeah, I will not have what he's having. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, he sneezes. Wow, God did not bless you. Not a chance. I would have been like, if I was the guy,

I would have been like, oh my God, these sausages go right through you, I gotta tell ya. Excuse me sir, your sausage is in your lap. You dropped your sausage. I gotta say though, I once made a guy in the front row, St. Louis Funny Bone Friday Night Late Show, I made him laugh so hard he farted out his prostate. And nobody had ever done that before.

They put a plaque on the wall. Yeah, I don't know if anyone's ever done that before. They put a plaque on the wall. Yeah, I don't know if anyone's ever done that, farted out, even with your story, it farted out a prostate. Don't doubt me. All right, here we go. Make Texas, Florida. And what we got here is,

this is a second transgender, and about kind of dead naming. Texas mom claims she was kicked off a United flight for accidentally misgendering flight attendant Jenna Longoria, a woman's health and hormone expert from outside Austin was boarding her flight around 9 a.m. at San Francisco's International Airport when she said she slipped up and addressed the United crew member by the wrong pronoun

multiple times. When the flight attendant who identifies as a woman, gave me our boarding passes, I said, thank you, sir. That is it. That is it. She said she got upset. I walked to the plane to go down the aisle. Then she held my mother back and wouldn't let her come on the plane with me on board. She asked another male flight attendant for assistance, telling him that he, referring

to the first flight attendant, had kept her mother who had been helping her with her son at the gate. He said, he, and I said, yeah. He then said, she's wearing a dress. And he goes, my son is in my hand crying. I'm trying to get on the plane she recalled as a mother my prerogative is to get my son safely on the plane and not what the pronouns that someone goes by she admitted on social media that

she's not very versed with pronouns so anyway this goes on and she sent a statement that they were prohibited from boarding after having the flight the United said because they had too many carry on items. But when she pushed the issue further, United official explained she was being denied for what came out your mouth. Too many carry on items. It sounds more like the flight attendant had the baggage. Maybe a little bit. It's like, oh, oh, I'm sorry. Now I see you're, you're not a man. You're a cunt. Wait, are you two, whose side are you taking here?

I don't know. I just like the flight attendant. No, I'm saying that the passenger is saying to the flight attendant, oh, I see. You're not a man. You're a cunt. Why? Are you, are you taking the side of the flight attendant or the passenger is saying to the flight attendant, oh I see, you're not a man, you're a cunt. Why, are you taking the side of the flight attendant or the passenger? What I, I don't know, what I do like is that

the continual use, well that's what he said, ma'am. Oh, yeah. Like that you just can't shake it. Yeah. Sir, let me finish before you bring up all your issues, please. Well, isn't it preferred pronouns? I didn't know it was mandatory pronouns.

You prefer it. I prefer if you do this, you know? I prefer if you didn't cough in my face, but I'm like, I gotta throw you off the plane. I prefer if you didn't fart when you're standing in front of me when we're putting our luggage up above our heads. But you don't get thrown off the plane for it.

I prefer that guy doesn't, as soon as it says you can take your seatbelt off, doesn't run and crank one out in the bathroom. I'd really prefer that. I get anxious! So does everybody on the plane when they fly with you. And no one, that bathroom's open the whole flight. Speaking of sports, let's get into it.

Here we go sports. ["Lakers' Pick LeBron James' Teen Son, Bronny"] Speaking of sports, Lakers this hot off the press, Thursday afternoon, Lakers pick LeBron James' teen son, Bronny in the NBA draft uniting father and son on the same team. It's been years in the making and today the Los Angeles Lakers chose 19 year old Brawny James with pick number 55, one of the last picks in the draft, and some question whether he would, some don't all

question whether he would have been, don't all question whether he would have been, whether he would have even made the cut had his father not been among one of the greatest players ever. Brawny averaged 4.8 points, 2.8 rebounds, and 2.1 assists in one season, playing for the USC Trojans last season. And then they explained, those numbers should be taken with a grain of salt, however, as if this makes it better. Because the younger James season was truncated after he collapsed during a practice due to cardiac arrest and congenital with a congenital heart defect. Oh yeah, he would have done so much better and gone higher in the draft. All right, this is the WNBA should be sitting up and paying attention to what's happening

right now. Sports is entertainment. You've got a man who is some say the greatest player of all time and he is in a position to do something nobody's ever done before, which is to play basketball on a team with his son in the NBA. And you're gonna make it happen, because people are gonna show up, and you're gonna bring more people to the sport.

It's a human interest story. It's moving, it's touching, it's historic. Meanwhile, you got Caitlin Clark, who they don't put on the Olympic team and who they are fouling, that the other players are fouling her because she's getting so much attention. Do you know that the WNBA finals last year was in a stadium that held about 3,000 people? I think it was in Vegas. Well, the first game that Kaitlyn on her new team will be playing in Vegas will be

in an arena with 20,000 people and the seats are going for 10 grand to pop up front. So hey WNBA, get your head out of your stupid asses, stop complaining you don't get paid as much, and start capitalizing on opportunities to cross over. don't get paid as much and start capitalizing on opportunities to cross over. Well said. Thank you I worked on that all day. There we go. Yeah people want to see the race fights. It sells tickets. Are you saying that it's race related with Caitlin Clark? I think that's an impression a lot of people are under. Ha. Oh no, and some in the media have tried to paint it as such.

Yeah. Well, I don't like it. Anyway. You don't like race fights? I mean. I just hope it doesn't get in the way of all the scoring. You know. You know.

US Swimming Great Michael Phelps told a congressional panel on Tuesday that anti-doping measures have fallen short in a case involving Chinese swimmers ahead of this summer's Paris Olympics. He and Alison Schmidt, the chief executive for the US Anti-Doping Agency testified to lawmakers that the measures led by the World Anti-Doping Agency did not do enough. They're talking mostly, Phelps has 28 medals, by the way. He's the most decorated Olympian of all time. Wow.

So this World Anti doping group said that nearly two dozen Chinese swimmers tested positive for try metaside, I think they call TMZ a band or it's called MSG, a band drug found in a heart medication before the 2020 till I mean, I listened to this on the daily today. And basically basically China was never competitive in swimming and then all of a sudden they found this drug and it's like a, it's a heart medication that basically makes the blood flow easier. And so you're able to train at a much higher level

and then you can stop taking it and it goes out of your system pretty quickly. So they can train on it and then once the competition comes they stop taking it. But they tested them while training was still happening and they were all on it and all of a sudden China won the gold, won a bunch of gold medals. One of them had gills, their toes started to web. There was a lot of weird shit going on.

Oh yeah. By the way, last night in that little friends and family section at Chris Stableton concert is Lance Armstrong. Really? Yeah. Did you talk to him? Speaking of doping, no I didn't walk over and introduce myself like, hey cheater. I am wondering though, you you know if you watch the documentary it's undisputed how many people were drugging and I'm wondering

if someone has great knowledge of it maybe they could write almost like it's a correction but they could write into our show and what is the expert opinion with all all said and done is Lance Armstrong the greatest cyclist ever? Honest question, I don't know the answer. Well, that's like saying is, you know, Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa the greatest home run heros of all time. Well, with a giant asterisk.

Well, I know, but I've seen interesting stuff on Barry Bonds, that if you remove the years that are in question, he still holds so many records. Really? Yeah, no, no. Barry Bonds was unbelievable. But anyway, these Chinese swimmers are, they're all on, they're all doping. It's a national disgrace.

Meanwhile, the bike delivery guys are getting your apartment in like six minutes, so I'm on board. They're like Lance Armstrong. Yeah. Also on drugs and on bikes. Yep. They're incredible. All right, what are we doing? This day? Let's go down to this day in history. down to this day in history. All right it was another slow one I gotta say. Let me see which ones I found. Oh shit did I close the page? Uh oh. Oh boy. Oh god. Here we go. I already looked it up. I have it here. We're gonna start you off. There it is There it is. Here we go Yes, there it is, okay, it's the week we're doing the week Give or take two years

Ross Perot Was in oh no, no, sorry, Ross Perot in 92, 96, all right, I'm gonna give you 10 years. Okay. What year he was an independent candidate for US president in 92 and 96, Ross Perot, what year was he born?

1928. God damn you, 1930. Nice! Okay, here we go. I always knew about this book because of this guy's last name. British historian Edward Gibbon. Do you know what book he wrote? Uh, yes. The Evolution of Man.

It's often called The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. Okay. But its real name is The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. It was like the book on the subject, unbelievably popular. It was in my house sitting on the bookshelf. So give or take a hundred years, when was this book written? Oh, The Decline of the Roman Empire? Yeah. The Decline and Fall, Don't forget that part. 1732.

You bitch. 1787. Meanwhile, I thought the book was written in the 1900s. That's how stupid I was. Well, I wouldn't have guessed that far back if you didn't make a big fucking deal out of it. No, of course. I went with 100 year.

That's what I gave you. That's what I gave you. That's what I gave you Okay In a boxing match for the heavyweight title Mike Tyson was disqualified after he twice bit Evander Holyfield's ears In this fight, what year was the fight give or take three years? 94 You fuck 97. You, fuck, 97. Yeah baby! Oh my god, I gotta get a better one here.

Let's see. Okay, the notorious bank robber John Dillinger. He was born in Indianapolis, Indiana on what year? Give or take eight years? 1810. No, I knew it. I was gonna make it more. in what year, give or take eight years? 1810. No, I knew it. I was gonna make it more. Everyone thinks he's older than he is, 1902.

He was born in 1902? Yeah, he was killed in front of a movie theater. I think he was shot in front of a movie theater. In Chicago, I'm thinking. Okay. French philosopher and writer and political theorist Jean-Jacques Rousseau, whose novels inspired the leaders of the French Revolution

and the Romantic generation. He was born in Geneva, give or take 30 years, what year? 1700. 30 years, what year? 1700 He was god damn you 1712 I'm on fire, baby. You are on fire. It's crazy Let's see here Let's see here. Nothing left.

Let's move on. Alright, I think I was four for five today. Pretty nice. That was pretty crazy. Letters to the editor. Letters to the editor. New section. Here we go.

Okay. This comes from Jeff in Cleveland Heights. Big fan and I never would have imagined that you guys would bring up a piece of my family lore. Christopher Latham-Scholes, your snoozer of a day, of a This Day in History segment, is my great-great uncle. He invented a bunch of things, but most importantly, he invented the first QWERTY typewriter. Super cool, right? Dynastic Family Wealth, built on good old-fashioned American ingenuity.

Except one thing, family legend has it, he sold his patent outright to Remington for 400 bucks. Okay. So instead of me writing to you for my third home in Gibbon's dad's neighborhood in Palm Beach, I'm just a regular dude in Ohio. Oh man, that is such a wide gap. Ha ha ha ha ha! He would have been so fucking rich can

you imagine what that patent would be worth it's one of the great patents of all time. I told you I went to a house on the Jersey Shore which was this amazing house in I forget the name it's the it's one of the richest communities on the Jersey Shore and that money I'm like where did this money come from and they were like he you're not gonna believe this he patented he made the big brown bag that they it's called that I think from Bloomingdale's, from Macy's. Bloomingdale's. And this is what he did. The handle was a piece of twine rope, and then he taped both sides of the rope

on the inside of the bag so it made a loop. He somehow patented that. Taping rope to make a handle, and that's all he needed. All right, guess what? Aaron grew up with this girl who was, who lived on like a three story on the upper west side on the park, massive wealth.

Her grandfather. Let me guess the pattern. No, I think it was her father. It would have been her father. Okay, you guessed the pattern. He invented. Do like 20 questions. He invented the move,

to jerk guys off. She's gonna be rich someday. She gets on OnlyFans, she is gonna be spitting out money. Oh boy. This guy invented the credit card swiper. That thing, which until. The primitive one. You mean the one that physically would have an imprint of the letters, credit card swiper, that thing. Which until-

The primitive one, you mean the one that physically would have an imprint of the letters, the numbers. Which really was in use until probably 10 years ago. I remember so many scenes where people are like, my card has a crack in it, you have to do it so gently. They're like, we'll try and, and it cracks right in half. Useless credit card while you're away.

Tim Keefe from Gill Ford, Connecticut says, I was relating to your discussion about students using cell phones in class. I am a teacher who presents workshops to other teachers. Most teachers are also addicted to their cell phones. They complain about kids using them and they do the same thing. Well, we announced last week,

Los Angeles schools are going to get rid of it and I think none too soon. I am realizing how many, my cell phone last night was hot to the touch because I realized how many hours I spent on it and my eyes hurt. Like I gotta get off the fucking phone. It's terrible, it sucks you in.

Yeah. Yeah. All right, let's move this a lot, I got a heart out. Speaking of sucking you in, the koozies are still for sale. Go to fitzdog.com, you can find out how far. There was a delay in the shipment, so I apologize, but I'm following up on writing some people on Venmo. They're gonna get here any day and they're all going out. Ten dollars, that includes shipping. It's summer.

Cool down your drinks, people. Let's get to the funnies. Let's get to the funnies. Here we go. Alright. We've got the new caption contest. Each week we give you a caption that has no text and you write the text for it. Last week's was a fried egg with arms and legs standing over a grate with the wind blowing up and blowing up the white parts of her looks like skirt, which is really her whites of her egg and the yolk has a little face that's smiling.

And then you've got a big egg with a smaller egg standing next to each other, both with legs and arms. And it looks like a father putting his hand over the son's eyes. The son has a little bit of a mischievous sly grin on his face. RZ said, oh wait first, I should read these. RZ said, in regards to the weekly cartoon contest,

do you think listeners should be allowed just one joke submission per show? It sounds like some people are sending in multiples per week, I imagine that makes it difficult to weed through. Also, it may give that person an advantage. What do you think, Mike? I think one. All just one and also do me a huge favor write your name underneath the joke it makes it easier

for me to cut and paste it into the document. Here's one that I just came up with and it's horrible. Okay. Lane from Denver said, these damn deviled eggs downtown, shaking their frittatas, giving my kid an over hard on and scrambling in his shell, makes me want to poach someone. Try, you try too hard, Lane.

Wow, it's a lot there, Lane. It's too much. And then Phil McCracken said, he goes, someone's about to get fertilized. Stay away from her, she'll give you a seven-year itch. Brian Dardy, oh that's from Brian Dardy. Those two were Brian Dardy. Okay. Phil McCracken, see this is because we get too many from the same person. Yeah. Don't look, no dreg queen is going to groom my son into being some kind of fag. And he goes, some wordplay Mike might enjoy.

Nope. I think these are all from Phil McCracken. The other one he wrote is she's come out of her shell. That's good. These fried bitches think they're so sunny side up, but we all know she's over easy. All right, two solid contributions from Phil McCracken. I'm going to highlight those. Kent Sackman said, Junior, minutes away from solving that old who came first riddle. That's not bad. Yeah.

That's pretty good. Devin Smith said Egg Fitzsimmons sees his first upskirt. Jason Cobb has three. I'm only gonna read one of them in light of our new rule. This is your brain on ecstasy. That's good. Well it says ecstasy. I added eggs, I made it even better. I think you did make it better. Okay, I'm going to highlight that. Nicholas Smith said, now son those over easy girls might get your sunny side up but you

leave with your yolk runny and it's better to find a nice hard boiled woman like your mother. Alright, good speech. I like it. Jason Barnes said, she deserves to be poached and devoured by the Kennedys. Avert your eyes, son. You'll get Salmonella just looking at that. Okay. Tom Keele says, careful, son. A boy your age will get hard-boiled seeing her sunny side. So we're seeing a theme here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nick Glancy said, remember son, these over easy girls are always trying to get forked. I like the peeping Tomlatt. Read the next one, Mike.

Landplob said, Marilyn Monroever easy. Oh, look at that. You could be the head writer on the on the roast next year, Lon. This Kelly Kolarik said... He just put the name though. He just put the name. I got you a little context. Kelly Kolarik said, this is what's wrong with America. It's too yolk. Okay. Do you like that? I think for me it's between, what was the one up above? This is your brain on ecstasy. No. Junior, minutes away from solving that all who came first riddle. I like that. Alright let's go with that one. I like that one a lot. That's Kent Sackman. Congratulations Kent. Send your address into FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. We'll get you a koozie out. There's a new batch of That's Kent Sackman. Congratulations Kent. Send your address into

FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. We'll get you a koozie out. There's a new batch of koozie going out this week. Be a part of it. Get them in fast. Next week's caption. We've got, and again you can go to the YouTube page and take a look at it yourself. It will be about an hour and 30 minutes into the podcast if you're looking. It is a guy jumping rope and he is looking at a snake who has got its mouth open and is talking to him. Yep. So there you go. All right. I'm gonna get to these letters next week because I know you have a hard out. Let's get to, let's do Hager first. He is coming into bed with a bag of loot.

Helga's asleep and he goes, I'm back from the castle raid. Let me show you what I brought home. And then he rings a bell and he's in bed. And she goes, you brought home a bell? And then a butler walks over and says, you rang? And he goes, and a butler. So once again, human trafficking,

totally acceptable in a Sunday colorful paper. Like, let's get little kids to look at the colorful, funny looking little figures who are human trafficking. Maybe he's like sharing, you know, the rape and pillage with his wife Yes, like and Hager's like I bought you home a little plaything. That's true Yeah, he's kind of he's not really the best-looking guy though And they're both to him and Hager's like and you'll never see who I have locked in the basement And then Leroy's napping on the couch and Loretta says to her friend

Leroy resolved never to go to bed angry. So he does his sleeping there. Perfect. All right. It's a joke. There is no Blondie this week because the author of Blondie, who by the way, I don't even know the guy's name,

failed to write anything this week that was in any way worth mentioning. It was all fucking Dagwood at the diner or the son and the daughter on their phones making little quips about social media. It was awesome. So anyway, let's close it out with a little Calvin and Hobbes. And by the way, now let me just, there's people that are lashing out about the Calvin and Hobbes bashings. Yeah.

They're very upset. No, they're fragile people, I think. Okay. All right, did that help? All right, here we go. Calvin and Hobbes, this is number four on the best Calvin and Hobbs of all time I Think four is gonna be better than the rest. I'm just gonna say that very neutrally

Calvin and Hobbs, alright, so it's a winter scene and it's outside Calvin Hobbs are walking through the snow Calvin goes, you know Hobbs it seems the only time most people go outside is to walk to their cars. And then the next frame he's like, we have houses, electricity, plumbing, heat. Maybe we're so sheltered and comfortable that we've lost touch with the natural world and forgotten our place in it. Maybe we've lost our awe of nature. And he goes, that's why I want to ask you as a tiger, a wild animal close to nature, what you think we're put on earth to do?

What's our purpose in life? Why are we here? And then the tiger, what's his name? Hobbes goes, we're here to devour each other alive. And then there's three frames of Calvin bewildered and like gobsmacked by the comment. And then he's back in his house and he has his hand on the thermostat.

And he's like, turn on the lights, turn up the heat. Okay, this was the best one we've read. Okay. I like it. I don't know if it's a made up tiger, as I told you, I don't know the backstory of this thing, but that tiger, well, if he is made up and he's an imaginary friend,

that's Calvin's mind that came up with that. That's interesting. Yes, it is. And I think it is like, and look, I'm not on board with this bashing. I love Calvin and Hobbes. I think it's, I like peanuts. I think it goes, it gets philosophical.

It explores the mind of a child that's learning and growing and developing. I think it's like non sequitur, it's like, what's the other one that I love? You know, it's not laugh out loud funny, but it draws you in. Doonesbury, philosophical, smart. I would say it's not laugh funny. No. No. Right. But I think some people are writing.

Out loud or even inside. Yeah. No, it's not. It's not meant to be. Nor is this podcast. We're here to make you think a little bit, to question your values. Yeah, we don't want laugh out loud reactions. No, we want you to talk about Tulsa, Oklahoma and the killings. Yes, exactly. A lot of fun topics today. Alright Gregorian, I gotta hop. Alright, Mike, we'll see you soon and we'll remind people that if you want to get involved in $15 a month unbelievable service, you're going to go to MintMobile.com slash papers and cut your bill down.

Also anything you want to promote before you go? Hmm. I've done it before but last night Jesse turned out to have never watched Muscle Shoals, the documentary. Oh great one. Yeah. Can't say enough about it. Why not?

I have nothing else to promote. Go watch that if you haven't seen it. All right, I love it. All right, have fun out in the desert. Mike is headed to Palm Springs where it is 112 degrees right now. I got jealous of the rest of the country in a heat wave, so I'm gonna go find it. Sunblock. Take it ish. Take it ish. Bye-bye. Bye-bye's.