Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 225 7/28/24

Episode Date: July 28, 2024

OK so maybe last week wasn’t a great one to take off, but we’re back! Costco has an Apocalypse Bucket for the survivalists, AI is taking over comedy, a Florida man leads police on a car chase in a golf cart, and a 72-year-old is competing for Miss Texas.

Sunday Papers, we got news! News! News! News! News! News! News! News! News! News! Wank! Wank! Bollocks! Bollocks! Wank! Three, two, one... Alright, we're off to the races. Read all about it! Read all about it. Read all about it.

Double week episode covering news from two weeks on Sunday papers. Both people, Los Angeles, California, Mike in a closet surrounded by down jackets. Yes. I take the cold nights, the cool nights, very seriously in Southern California. Well, luckily it was pretty slow news that we missed.

Yeah, we took a week off last week because of Mike's mom's passing. Yeah. And Mike- Thank all of you. I guess I'm going to, I think that should be the top thing. Such sweet comments and really felt there was kind of a there was a sense of community. Greg forwarded me forwarded me a bunch that were emailed and on YouTube and it was just all very, very nice. And I tried to answer as many as I could and I'll continue to do so. But it was just very, very nice. So thank you everybody and thank everybody

for tolerating us taking a week off. So. Well, it was obviously that's a big deal. Your mom passed, the first one of your parents to pass, that's difficult. That's a lot to go through. And obviously everybody's got complicated relationships with their parents, you had a chance to sit with your mom

in hospice before she went, which we were talking earlier today, it's never ideal to die, but to have that moment to make peace with her for everybody in whatever way they want to is amazing. Yeah, you know, I was really rattled, but I also realized I had somehow very, in a fortunate way, had never seen someone die. And also, even then, other than like

my grandmother's open casket, like that didn't look like a human being at all, I've never seen a dead body either. A couple of light notes. So, I didn't tell you this, Greg. So, when it happened, hospice has already given you all the phone numbers and stuff like that, and then they have to come, and it's official,

and time of death and stuff. And then you call the morgue or whatever, the funeral parlor, which I didn't do. So I don't know what they call themselves. Anyway, so they show up. So they live in a building. It's very hard to buzz people in and stuff. So she did hospice in her own apartment.

We were in her apartment. Oh, I thought you went somewhere. No shit. No, that's what I was telling you earlier, how rough it was. Like I was done with her the last once she was gone, like the last night we stayed in the apartment, she's struggling to breathe like in the next room. And it's like, you know, we're taking shifts, but it's like 2am. And I'm just like, fucking this should be over. Like that's like, with all the beautiful things that come with hospice

It can really be and we were fortunate She passed the next day, but some people are at that stage for a week or more And it's just you're not especially her like at one point by the way we When probably the last day or second last day, but she was still there had a sense of humor Probably I told that story about smothering her with a pillow and she laughed probably that day and at one point Laura and The girl and my Olivia was there and I think Olivia goes was noticing a look in my mom's eye and goes grandma What are you thinking and there was, she was very slow to respond. I think she was rejecting all the crazy thoughts from drugs and stuff.

And then, and she goes, just what if I killed over and died right now? We're all like, what the fuck? Yeah, she was always honest, but it's like maybe fib. How about fib a little at the fuck? Whoa. Yeah, she was always honest, but it's like maybe fib. How about fib a little at the end? All right, so. What an existential moment to have, to think that my life can end right now.

And you don't know. There's no ramp up to it. It's just going to happen. You know it's going to happen at any second. It could have been any breath. And she was wondering what that would be like. You know I think she was wondering what it would be like for us you know if that happened just right then because we were talking about her and telling stories. So okay here's here's

this is a little bit of dark a dark thing that happened but I did laugh. So I go down I have to go down to let these people in the building who are coming up with the stretcher to take her away. And so I go down, I'm like, Laura, Laura's upstairs, my sister, and she's texting me and then she's like, sorry, they keep getting lost. I'm like, what the fuck? So then I'm like, all right, listen, tell them I'm standing out on the street. What am I looking for?

And she goes, Oh, hold on, I'll ask. Cause I assume it's kind of an ambulance thing or a hearse or something. And she's like, Toyota Sienna. I'm like, what? What? You should have gotten ambulance X, like Uber X. I'm like, what the fuck?

What? A Toyota Sienna? Is this a side hustle for someone? So they show up. I let this Toyota Sienna minivan in and I look in the back and it's outfitted with two very professional looking stretchers that click in and so it's legit.

So they take the stretcher out and I kinda eye the stretcher, and then we walk, I take them all the way to the elevator. We get on the elevator. The stretcher does not fit in the elevator at all. No. I'm not asking any questions. I'm just like looking at all this.

I mean, she just passed away a few hours ago. So we get in, they see it doesn't fit, so they like tilt it up. Like they now are like, kind of like you would move a couch in a building. So they do that. And so I'm there, I'm like, so we're now going to the 10th floor, and I'm like, does that stretcher get shorter? They're like, no, sir.

I'm like, so what's the plan? And they're like, oh, well, we'll take her through the, not cargo, but whatever it is, the other elevator. And I'm like, okay. So then we get there. They go in, Laura's in there. They're strapping her and everything that they do. And I'm like, Rich, where is your, what's the name of the elevator?

I'm forgetting the name, but anyway. Service elevator? Yes. Where's your service elevator? He's like, oh, there isn't one. I'm like, what? Oh, oh, there isn't one. I'm like, what? Oh, God. There isn't one.

I'm like, what are you? So I go back to them and they're like, well, sir, this is the, this is what paramedics use. This is the, I don't know what this building does because all I know is I did not go out to the elevator with them. I took the stairs because my mom was popping a wheelie in that elevator and they were prepared for it. They're like, there's three straps, we're all good, but I'm like, I cannot see that. It's like badly planned college move-in where it's like, oh, we have to chop part of this couch off because it doesn't fit.

Yeah, so that happened. Oh my God, that is crazy. What do they charge, like 50 bucks? Is this the low end? I don't even know. No, they were very, at Santa Monica, they were very well-reviewed because there was one in Venice, by the way,

right near the beach, and then I walked over to check it out first on the way to my mom's, and couldn't even find the place. It was like a walk street, and I'm like, no, that's not happening. If I can't find you and there's no sign, that's not what we're doing. That'd be funny if you go to the wake

and she's in a coffin, but the coffin's at a 45 degree angle. Yeah, they just think, sorry, we thought that's that's how she came in. Sorry. Yeah. You barrier like that. To learn a little about me, here's text from my. So my dad was very sweet during all this and everything. But, you know, you should mention that your dad and mom have been divorced for 50 years since I was three, I think.

No. Really? Yeah. 1971, I think. No, really? Yeah, 1971, I think. Wow, 52 years. So anyway, he texts me, Sophie and I texted about her grandmother. She was very solid. That's literally a sentence. She was very solid, so I thought that was funny.

And then next sentence, which is verbatim. I have not skipped a word. This is condolences, this is when it happened, from my dad. It's tough, but no one gets out alive. Are you in the battlefield in Vietnam? Thanks, thanks General. Thanks, General. He's got a cigar out of the side of his mouth.

And the only thing that helps is like, I know exactly how he's thinking and how he's writing it. And so context helps a lot. So he continues. He goes, I have this deep Catholic belief that I will be reunited with my parents, Johnny and Mary, who were his siblings. Um, it will serve me well and comfort me when the time comes." And he's right. And then he goes, then he quoted, I know his psychiatrist name he had when he, and he was very impressed. And that guy really turned my dad around emotionally and stuff when my dad was in his twenties after the divorce. And he goes, Dr. Fagan said, this is how he sums up this condolence text. Dr. Fagan said, there would be no room on the planet for children if adults didn't die.

Love, dad. This explains a lot about me, I think. Yeah. He should make cards. He should start a line of cards. This explains a lot about me, I think. Yeah. Wow. He should make cards. He should start a line of cards. Mike's dad's greetings cards. Yes.

He could do the headstones. He made way. John Gordon, 1923 to 2024. He made room. Yeah, he made room. You want my dad to write your, forget chat, GPT, you want my dad to write your sort of things you say at ceremonies? Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So that was very funny. What else? So I had, yeah, George. George was the brother-in-law, was really sweet. I think I told you this.

Oh, this is great. Tell this story. He's from Argentina originally, and I think I've talked about him before because he got kicked out of his, he was like a ref also, but he got very into his kids' soccer leagues. And this is almost like something you'd see in modern family, you know, with What's Her Name and all her rage. They actually did her rage on kids' soccer leagues. And this is almost like something you'd see in modern family, you know, with What's Her Name and all her rage. They actually did her rage on kids' soccer field. So George got kicked out because screaming.

He's a very impassioned, passionate guy and all that. So I mean, really low key, we know him, but it's in there. So anyway, what made this passing my mom easier for my sister and I, was how much and how intensely George cried during the whole thing. And he had a thing where he would also sweep. He would just sweep and sob, like seemingly constantly. Like an abused wife. Like I'd come in there and he'd be sweeping and I could tell his eyes

were bloodshot and then he though was like this loyal golden retriever he would do his shift in there like holding my mom's hand like while she was out of it the last days. Anyway at one point Laura is in a chair talking to me and behind her which she can can't see, is George and George's back was kind of going up because he was so upset I guess. So he's stretching his back and he's laying on the ground. So that's going on behind Laura. Laura and I are in a very serious conversation about plans or whatever and hospice and Laura is talking to me and then after George stretches he leaves. I can't see him anymore. And then he comes back in with a dustpan

and a handheld little sweeping broom and starts sweeping up the rug. So I decide just don't draw any attention to it because Laura's also been a little short with him at times. I felt like George would be like, well, what about the food? What are we gonna do? And she'd be like, why don't you just cry some more

and sweep? I'm like, Laura, come on. Jordan's having the hardest time with this than any of us, than the shutoff Gibbons are. So anyway, Laura is just looking right at me. I'm looking at Laura and I'm like, don't even bring it up. She's already given him so much shit. So anyway, he's sweeping the rug now where he was laying down. And so it's not making that much noise. And I think she won't hear it. So she's like, well, you know, hospice said to, he's doing it again, isn't he? And she never even turned around. She's just looking at me and mid sentence, like, you know, I think hospice, he's doing it again, isn't he?

He's sweeping right now. And I'm like, don't just stay the course. Just what were we talking about? I think we were talking about morphine. And it was hysterical. Oh my God, that's great. Well, knowing George, he was probably, he was probably taking a couple drips of that morphine off the feed.

Yeah, I know, we were all eyeing it. And then my stepfather, Rich, per hospice's directions, poured Clorox in the morphine. Oh, once she passes, that's what you do? Get this. She's like, well, where are the drugs, right? And I'm like, oh, Tom O'Neill's already claimed them. And which is my mom has given Tom O'Neill.

And she was smart enough. She ripped the label off so it couldn't be traced back to her But I would give Tom O'Neill over the three years when she had chemo and and surgeries She would give him because he was begging for the Vicodin. So anyway, um Wait, where were we? George's hospice goes where the drugs? And they're like, here's the protocol.

Do you have Clorox? So they get it. And then they're like, OK, here it is. And then this is a very weird thing, I thought. She's like, OK, so we're going to throw them out, but don't put them in the same garbage as the adult diapers. A lot of details here, I'm sorry. But, and we're like, what?

Why wouldn't we just roll them up? And it's like, people digging through garbage, when they see adult diapers, they make a safe assumption, there may be pain killing drugs with them. No shit. So she said you throw them out in a separate, by the way, maybe that's this weird woman, but it sounded like standard operating procedure.

So did you rescue any before they were Cloroxed? No, I did not. I know. What a waste. No, I kind of wanted, I had seen their effect. They're quite effective and yeah, I was okay. Wow, Jesus. Maybe, yeah, I think, well, I was okay. Wow, Jesus. Maybe, yeah, I think, well, I was like that

when my wife's father died, I mean, her family is like the Gibbons side of the family, very unemotional about the death. And the father, everybody had a very complicated relationship with the father. He was an academic, he was a political activist. Parenting for Erin and her brother was not a big concern. Anyway, so I go to the funeral, I am a fucking crier.

I am at the funeral. First of all, he's an environmentalist, so he gets buried in a wicker basket in the woods. Huh. No, they didn't process the body, just flowers in a basket with his body in the woods. That would have fit in an elevator easy. Yeah, and I'm crying hysterically

and they're all looking at me embarrassed that the Irish guy, they don't understand with Irish people, that's why I'm surprised about you. Usually we're shut down about everything until a death and then we cry like babies. Oh dude, I was, maybe it's coming across that way, I was the furthest thing from shut down. I was by her bed, I would cry for a half hour straight

holding her hand. Oh really? I cried after. Oh, I'm fighting even a couple of times during these stories, I'm fighting. Dude, I just got choked up on the side of the road with you when you asked about it. No, I, for me, I'm giving myself an A plus on letting all the feels happen.

That's great, good. I'm glad to hear that. I'm glad to hear that. It's hard because sometimes it gets clogged up. I've had people die and I feel it. I have a burst of crying and then that's it. And I can't access it again during everything. So I'm glad you're staying open to it.

Yeah, no, no, I am. And it's funny, whatever. We've spent a lot of time, and I'm sure we'll talk about it in the future, but it is wild. Your mom is still alive, thank God. And this is my first parent death. But I'm also, it's really kind of a, I've been very fortunate.

I mean, my uncle and aunt passed, and both uncles, and that hit me. But it's interesting. Memories change, which is an interesting statement. You know, like, let's say I'll have memories with a Christofferson song, say with my mom. Well, that has all changed. Like, my memories with a song, my attachments, and it's, I don't have it thought out yet, so I'll just leave it there, but it's really interesting context and how memories can really change. Like, history.

In terms of like rewriting history kind of thing? Yeah, like history can change. Yeah, right, right, right, right. So anyway, it's all very interesting. And I'll tell you, all the people that wrote in, all the listeners, while I appreciate it, Jesus, a lot of deaths. Our listeners have a lot of tragedies in their lives.

Yeah, I think we attract that. always say what's your demographic is it males between 21 and 30? We have people whose parents died. That's our listenership maybe you get we should get ads and for you know adult diapers and morphine and Yeah alcohol alcohol and yeah, alcohol. Alcohol. All right, so we'll leave it at that and let's get into this because we got a lot to do. It's been two weeks.

The logo this week is from our dear friend, Jane S. They almost famous, really fucking cool, love it. The song from Nick and Dan, very creative, kind of cool techno, loved it. Corrections, none. Maybe people are taking it easy on us because of your mom being on death's door. They didn't correct anything.

Wrong, your mom's still alive. Yeah, hard to do. Yeah, yeah. Greg got it wrong. Tour dates, I'll be on the Joe Rogan show on August 28th and then my special comes out, I think the next day. I'm not sure about that yet, but late August, You Know Me will be coming out.

I'll be at the Bray Improv tonight, Louisville at the Louisville Comedy Club, August 23rd and 24th, Denver Comedy Works August 29th through 31st, Austin the Mothership September 6th through 8th, Alaska in September 25th through 28th, and then Tulsa, Tacoma, San Francisco. Go to FitzDog.com get some tickets. So where is the So wait a minute, where is the Brea improv or where is Brea? Brea is about an hour east of Los Angeles, sort of southeast. Because I see what's his names in town, you know, kind of the new Brody in terms of he closes the night, you know, from Austin. Yeah. Jesus, H.

Yeah, why am I forgetting? Hoff. Yeah, holy fuck, I'm spacing out. But anyway, do you happen to- Brian Holtzman. Holtzman, is he on the bill with you tonight? I think he was playing Braham. No, he was there last night. Oh, okay.

Yeah, and I'm there Friday, Saturday, Sunday. We're taping this on Friday, so yeah, he was there Thursday night, I'm there Friday, Saturday, Sunday. We're taping this on Friday. So yeah, he was there Thursday night. I'm there Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Yeah. I would have loved to go see him do an hour. It's always great when I'm in Austin to see him do an hour. I have really good. He's starting to blow up. He's starting to really draw crowds and he's getting more followers and he's, and he's on it. He's embracing it. He's putting a lot of content out. It's all funny. It's all him. It's great. Yeah, I have an English cousin in town, just turned 21 yesterday, Luke. And I was thinking of bringing Luke, but you know, Holtzman's not the guy to bring like

a tourist. It's, you know, it's, but I'd have to explain a lot about Holtzman. I think just the opposite. Don't explain anything. Let him walk in not expecting that this guy is gonna do jokes about Matthew Perry dying in a bathtub. Like let him walk into it and just experience it. Okay, oh I realized that one my later. I bet he's playing in LA.

I bet he's at the store this weekend. Well I'm wondering if after this we call Richie and see if Holtzman is coming, whoa now, coming in. Yes. Yes. Okay, we'll do that. All right, sounds good. Have fun, Brea. Also, our good friends, Sunday Papers is supported by Mint Mobile. Oh, look, I love a good deal. When it comes to, I negotiate-

So easy. You're better than me. You research, if I need a new refrigerator, I stop by your apartment and I see what model you have because I know that you've done all the legwork. Well, you don't need to do a lot of legwork. No research with Mint Mobile. No, Mint Mobile is such a no brainer. It is like, to save money has never been simpler.

No hoops, no BS. When they said it was easy to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three month plan, I called them on it turns out, real easy to get the $15 a month deal. Longest part of the process was the time I spent on a hold wanting to lose Verizon. Here's the amazing thing, When you call a phone company and you are put on hold,

I say to myself, you have officially failed at what you do. You are a phone company and you're not answering. And then they do that thing where they go, we at Verizon really value you as a customer and you're thinking in your head, no you clearly do not. And I realize it's almost like being with an abusive drunken husband

who's coming home at four o'clock in the morning with lipstick on his collar and then he hugs you really hard and he goes, I'm the best thing that ever happened to you. Are we still talking about Mint Mobile? Yeah. Okay. All right. Anyway, this is to get started, go to MintMobile.com slash papers. You'll see right now at three

month plans are 15 bucks a month, including the unlimited plan. They come with high speed data, unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5g network. I have had no problems with this network all around the country. You can use your own phone with the Mint Mobile plan, bring the phone number, your existing contacts. Find out how easy it is to switch with Mint Mobile and get three months of premium wireless for 15 bucks a month. To get this new customer offer and your new three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to MintMobile.com slash papers. That to MintMobile.com slash papers that's MintMobile.com slash papers cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at

MintMobile.com slash papers $40 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month new customers on three month plan only speed slower than 40 gigabytes on unlimited plans additional taxes fees or restrictions apply see MintMobile for details fantastic read read at the end Jesus I'd say well now I got the easy additional taxes, fees, or restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Fantastic. Read it. Read it at the end. Jesus. I'd say, well, now that I got the easy one, man, Game Time. Are you kidding me? We love Game Time. Last minute. And support for the podcast comes from Game Time, we should say.

Okay. Yeah, I'm not just talking about Game Time. I will, though. You know what we're using them for right now, and this is a true, true endorsement, is my stepfather Rich is a very big, he's a Mets fan. So George and I are going to take him down to Anaheim. They play the Mets this coming week. Nice! That's amazing! And boy is game time easy when you're especially buying a ticket to go see the Anaheim Angels. They make it really easy. Those prices are a-dropping. But the Mets all of a sudden are on a tear.

It's kind of crazy and surprising. So anyway, game time. You got last-minute tickets, flash deals, you got zone deals, MLB tickets are easy. You get views from all the seats in the venue and a lowest price guarantee. And then of course the thing I love most, which I always say is the all-in pricing. So the price you see, you don't have to guesstimate, oh it's going to be like 40% more when they put all the fees on it. Nope. What you see is what you get. So Los Angeles. We're talking concerts. We're talking theater. We're talking sports,

comedy, everything. I'm in now and the button I like doing, which I always say is discover. Even like when I like get to Nashville, when I go there in Austin, I'll put discover because it kind of also just tells you everything that's going on in town. Anyway, Los Angeles under discover. We have, I'm going to embarrass myself now, but KCON, there's a Friday pass at Crypto. The Quakes at the 66ers. So far these are all foreign words to me. We got the A's at the Angels. You wanna go?

11 bucks and it's only gonna go down. You got Peter Pan at the Pantages. Hey. Yeah, you have Eslabon Armato. Hey, how about Chaka Khan? Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan. I wouldn't have known Chaka Khan was here.

I wouldn't have known Chaka Khan was alive. Melissa Etheridge tonight. Poor Melissa, 19 bucks. Get out of here. At the YouTube theater. You like her. I love her. We got Phillies at Dodgers. I'll go to Boo the Phillies we got

Dustin Lynch anyway goes on and on and on Take the guest workout of buying concert tickets with game time Download the game time app create an account and use code papers for $20 off your first purchase Terms apply again create an account and redeem code First purchase terms apply again, create an account and redeem code PAP ERS for $20 off download game time today. Last minute deals lowest price guaranteed. Let us crinkle a paper. 27 minutes in here we go. Well boy, we recorded it. Extra! We all thought it was extra!

Well, boy, we recorded it, I don't know when it was, I forget when the assassination attempt was, but it happened right after we recorded our last podcast. Yes, it happened within hours. That was crazy. By the way, there's a question now. The FBI director has raised questions about whether Trump was actually shot by a bullet during the assassination attempt

or whether he was struck instead by shrapnel. There was a hearing on Wednesday before the House Judiciary Committee. And so the burst of gunfire with a sightline to the state, what's weird is this guy was not a good shot. He was rejected from his school's shooting team or rifle team. Who the fuck has a rifle team?

Yeah, the school's denying that now, but did you read all the jokes that came out immediately? What? Well, it's like, who was the shooter? A brawny? Cause he went one for eight or something like that. They were cold and immediate, man. Yeah, it seemed like a bunch of people got hit by shrapnel

and it seems incredible to me that this guy was that good of a shot from that angle. He was being harassed. People were yelling at him. So, but apparently like the doctors, he has not allowed his doctors to put out a report. Huh. I also, I saw online someone had a close-up of his ear, which of course had no bandages on it. When he played golf, did you see him with DeChambeau or whatever his name is? Yeah. And he played, it's very frustrating watching kind of how well the result of a lot of his

golf shots are with that terrible, terrible form. Awful swing. But you know, it's you do not have a good swing. No. And you shot 41 at a pretty difficult course on the back nine yesterday. Yeah, but then you saw me today. But yeah, I got to figure out a swing. I know, but you really, it's kind of uncanny. And I'm not shitting on you. It's just, you took up golf less than three years ago and you've got a tight back, you've got tight legs, and you just don't really have a very fluid swing,

but you consistently hit it up the middle and you have a great short game and you score, unbelievable for somebody who's only been playing at this short amount of time. Well, my goal, I'd rather be, I'd rather have a worse score and at least a better swing. So, whatever, golf, golf, golf. Let's get back to the assassination attempt.

Alright, or let's move on to Biden. He dropped out and I don't know, he didn't seem to want to go. He's not realizing the opportunities that are out there for him. He could go on Jeopardy, dancing with the stars. Here's the good news, depending on the time of day, he's unaware he dropped out. So I think that makes it easier. Right, right, right, yeah.

And now we got- Did you see JD Vance, his thing about if you have children, your vote should count more. And then I think at one point he might have floated like if you have five children, that should be five votes, something Dickie was talking about it today. But it's like, I don't know who selected JD Vance, but they did very little research. This guy, not only did he call Trump Hitler, he is, he has said things about immigrants. He said stuff that is gonna really haunt him in campaign ads.

Well, bring that plan on. If you have five kids, you get five votes. The Republicans are not gonna like how that plays out. Up for the Latinos? I didn't go there right away, but I'm just saying I think generally Democrats, despite the Christian right, I think generally Democrats have more kids. I wonder if that's true. What's the correlation? Well I think blue cities, I'm thinking of Well, I think blue cities. I'm thinking of blue areas,

and I think I'd be interested to read the statistic. Why- I would guess that living in a city confines the amount of kids you can have, whereas you live out in the country, these people, half of them live out on the porch playing banjos with hound dogs. If you look at all the criticisms of welfare families

from Republicans, I think they disagree. Huh, oh, I see what you're saying, got it. Yeah. All right, well listen, now Kamala, and please say Kamala, people. It's not that hard. Kamala down. She identifies as Kamala.

And now the whole thing about who she's gonna pick as a vice president, and it is really kind of gross to see the machinations of the media about who she needs to pick categorically. Like she's a black Asian woman, so she definitely needs a straight white male. I mean, if she was, was you know if he was gay it would have to be a midget if it's Irish it's got to be somebody who's an alcoholic

with hemorrhoids. It's like how about we just pick the best candidate. This is what I want her to do in a press conference and the journalist won't even know he's playing the straight man. But the journalists will say, comma, comma, comma, any more thoughts on your running mate? And she goes, you know, I have given it some thought and I'm going to select JD Vance because he and I have the same exact view of Trump. And then of course, he'll be like, he's already been taken. Is that a joke?

And it's like, oh, I didn't mean it as a joke, but yeah, okay, I'll get back to you on who I'm really gonna pick. That's good. Why not? Well, I mean, she clearly, she does need, she needs to pick the whitest, malest, straightest guy out there,

and I think that man is Hunter Biden. What if she picked Hunter Biden? Well, I'd look into moving to Ireland, I think it would be over. Yeah. All right. Did you hear? Are we moving on to Costco? Let's move on. Doomsday dinners. Costco sells a quote Apocalypse bucket with food that lasts 25 years.

The ReadyWise Emergency Food Bucket, which boasts 150 freeze-dried and dehydrated meal servings, has caused a stir on social media. With an online price tag of $79.99, the bucket boasts that it's more than just food in its product description. It says it provides readiness in the face of uncertainty. That's one way to say it. The bucket features 80 entrees and sides, 30 breakfast servings, and 40 drink servings that just need water to prepare for a total of 25,000 calories. The meal options range from teriyaki rice, tomato basil soup, pasta alfredo, blah, blah, blah.

And crucially, for those preparing for an apocalypse, the bucket lasts up to 25 years on the shelf. Quote, quote, it's not just about survival, it's about maintaining a sense of normalcy, comfort, and even enjoyment during challenging times. I mean, I think I'm going gonna call it my summer meal kit, then it's gonna be my fall meal kit. I mean, 80 meals, isn't everyone gonna be buying this thing? And it's a lot like car camping, I noticed,

because everyone eats better, I know you do, you've told me, everyone eats better when they go car camping. Like, I don't make bacon-w bacon wrapped scallops when I'm at home, but I do when I'm preparing to go like camping with a bunch of other families, or gourmet s'mores or crumbles in a cast iron pan. Right, right. You catch fish fresh from the lake,

it's in the pan an hour later. Like what's better than that? But I'll tell you what, we both have daughters that are at that age. My daughter has a lot, she lives in the back house and she has a lot of very late night parties that go to like five in the morning. And I just know that when it hits 3.30 and everybody's baked and they've had 12 cocktails,

the calls are gonna go out, apocalypse bucket! And they're gonna bust that shit out and 30 people are gonna take it down in one day. 79.99, that's when my daughters order two burritos to be delivered, same price. Right, right. Just do this. I think this is Costco's way of not being looted

when the end of times happen, They'll already be stocked up. Well, I'm gonna take Olivia off the meal plan in Northeastern and just get her a bucket. The apocalypse bucket. This takes you through final, this takes you through midterms. Yeah. Okay, moving on to Alzheimer's, you ready?

Yep. Honest question, which is being asked in the media, do you wanna know if you're gonna get Alzheimer's, you ready? Honest question, which is being asked in the media, do you want to know if you're going to get Alzheimer's? Researchers from Cambridge University just developed a new AI tool that can predict whether patients showing mild cognitive impairment will progress to Alzheimer's disease with over 80% accuracy.

The AI model analyzes data from all these assessments and it categorizes patients into three groups, those likely to remain stable, those who may progress slowly, and those at risk of rapid decline. 82% success rate and 81% accuracy rate as well on two of those categories. So, jeez. I mean, first of all, all AI has to do is listen to this podcast. We know what the answer is. 99%, correct.

Yeah. Yeah. Artificial intelligence is basically predicting natural unintelligence. Is that what I'm understanding? Yeah, Alzheimer's intelligence, the new AI. Speaking of AI, what is this about chat GBT? Chat GBT might be funnier was the headline.

So I'm like, what is this? A USC psychology study shows that AI generated jokes, tickle funny bones more than those created by people raising concerns about the technology's threat to entertainment jobs. That threat is already here. So a study compared jokes by people versus those told by chat GPT, which I thought was a weird phrase. Like, what do you mean told by chat GPT?

Are they using Kinnison's voice? Because yeah, I get it. So anyway, the study compared participants' reactions to jokes. Anyway, it goes on and on and on. And I then found, because one of the things was, to see how chat GPT might fare against professional humor writers, the researchers conducted a second study in which they challenged ChatGPT to develop new headlines in the satirical style of The Onion. They then asked another group of 200 participants to rate the funniness of the original headlines and the new. So anyway, I have a list of Onion headlines, some of which were onion writers, some was chat GPT.

Whoa. And this is true, this is also, do you wanna see? I'm gonna read them. Okay. So, and I don't know the answers yet, the answer code is below. So, number one, couple pities man eating alone instead of an, sorry, couple pities man eating alone instead of in... Sorry.

Couple pities man eating alone instead of in complete silence with person he can't stand anymore. That's real. I think it's real too. Number two, local man discovers new emotion, still can't describe it properly. Chat GBT. Yeah, it clearly studied the onion though. That's an onion headline.

Number three, man locks down marriage proposal just as hair loss becomes noticeable. Chat GBT. I'm going to say the same thing. Annoyed murderer starting to worry woman never going to check behind shower. That's real. I think it's too nuanced. I agree. I agree.

Look at us. It's also darker than ChatGBT will go. town enthusiastically embraces new sport competitive eyebrow-raising chat GPT we should say chat GPT or onion intern that's what I'm putting that one on yeah man achieves personal best in avoiding eye contact with neighbors during awkward elevator ride. That's a toss up. That's a toss up. Wow, I wanna say chat GPT. Parents, number seven, parents sit adopted child down to explain why he's so much uglier than them.

That's real. Okay, hiker climbs up ridge to get better view of where body will be found. I think that's real. I'll give that real. Number 9. Man attempts to break world record for longest staring contest with

refrigerator. That's chat GBT. Same. And finally number 10. America is the greatest country on earth says man who spends six hours a day posting about how every city is in a third world hell hole. How every city is a third world. That's real. I think that's real too. Okay, the chat GPT generated ones are two five six and

nine. Two was can't express it, still can't describe the emotion properly. We guessed that, we nailed it. Five was town enthusiast competitive eyebrow raising, we said that too. Six personal best at avoiding eye contact during elevator ride. And nine. We picked that. Nine was the longest staring contest with a refrigerator. It seems to be really obsessed with eyes and eye contact.

Yeah. So we got everyone right. Well, I think we assigned some real ones to chat GPT. Really? Which ones? Well, we guessed more than four of them, so I can go through, let's see, can't stand anymore, man locks down marriage proposal, I think, did we say that was chat GPT before hair loss becomes noticeable? Yes, we did. So that's a real one.

Check behind shower curtain was absolutely real. Competitive eyebrow raising, right? Was chat GPT. Elevator ride. Parents sit adopted child down. I think we said that was real. I said it might've been chat GPT. The hiker. And then 10, yeah, real. Yeah, I think we did nail it actually

Yeah, I think we nailed it none were deplorable though No, but here's the other thing is I guarantee chat GBT spit it out and they Probably tweaked a word or two before they put it in. Maybe, which is fair. Yeah. All right, speaking of Michigan. Michigan has outlawed the so-called gay and trans panic defense, which allows criminal defense attorneys

to use a victim's sexual orientation or gender identity as a defense argument. Basically, I could read this whole thing, but what it breaks down to is, you used to be able to say that you could kill somebody if they were attacking you in a gay way. So there was a guy who is such a crazy law. So two men were accused of fatally beating

21 year old gay student Matthew Shepard in Wyoming in 1998. The defense was unsuccessful and both men were sentenced to life in prison. All right, so in that case, the law didn't work. However, there was a case where the panic defense has been used with success. In 2018, gay advocates were outraged after a Texas man, James Miller, received a light sentence

after fatally stabbing his neighbor, Daniel Spencer, who had allegedly tried to kiss Miller. And in 2009, Joseph Biderman was acquitted of murder and the killing of Terrence Houser, whom he admitted to stabbing more than 60 times. Biderman alleged that Houser had threatened to rape him. Okay, look. Gay panic, I thought gay panic was what you feel

when someone fools you with that big black dick meme that you've sent me at least a dozen times. They were so creative the way they were hidden sometimes. I wanted to kill that guy. I once claimed a gay panic defense when I blew two guys at a Billy Joel concert because I was like what am I doing here? Moving out but I

Thought gay panic defense was when I'm not even kidding you. I thought it was when a gay guy killed someone Yeah, that's why I didn't read the whole article because it's it's very hard to understand. But it is amazing to think that they're saying that homophobia is a reason to kill somebody. Right. That's what it's really about reason to make jokes on a podcast. But it's not a reason to kill somebody. Right. The gay panic defense is not like did you just say shares overrated? Like that is not the gay panic defense.

That's not. Yeah, right. All right, let's get to entertainment. Give me a crinkle, give me a crinkle. There it is. Long time reggae collector. By the way, don't look, spell reggae for me. R-E-G-G-A-E?

Yep. Bob Marley expert, radio host, and 82 year old author Roger Steffens has sold his enormous archive of vinyl and other memorabilia which is widely acknowledged to include the largest and most comprehensive collection of Marley artifacts in the world for three million dollars it was bought by Joseph Bogdanovich who you know that name because he's first cousin of the late director Peter Bogdanovich who was in Sopranos he was a therapist, great director, and one of four heirs to his grandfather, Martin Starkist, tuna fortune.

Ha ha, that's amazing! What a shock, a guy with a tuna fish company likes to listen to reggae. Basically, tuna is the reggae of fish. Like, everybody likes eating it, but you're embarrassed to admit you're a fan. Okay. I don't really have a joke on this but this guy has to be disappointed in how poorly the Bob Marley biopic just did. Oh he tanked. I know. They're trying to show it to me on the plane every time I fly.

Oh, he tanked, I know. They're trying to show it to me on the plane every time I fly. Ah, I watch it, though. And he's selling all these records, he's selling all these records, but unfortunately they all have razor cuts and cocaine residue on the covers. Another entertainment story was,

did you see the Bob Dylan trailer? I did not with,'s-his-name cutie face. Yeah what abs. Well he could play Jesus Christ. I like I like when I sent it to Ben Hoffman and Ben Hoffman's first response was needs a bigger nose because he has a you know he has a pretty big artificial nose on him and prosthetic so it's you know what I'm a you know die-hard but I thought it was okay a lot of people are not are having none of it Chalamet sings I guess he really studied him and actually I think Bob Dolan's early voice is quite good to tell you the truth. And so, and actually I don't think Chalamet's is better.

Even like the one they play is Hard Rain's Gonna Fall. Anyway, you know Dylan was trying to sound like a hick. You're a Dylan fanatic. I am shocked that you like this. I haven't seen it but it's just surprising to me. Well this is what I want. I want them, and the Coen brothers did this, I want them to capture the aesthetic of, there's so many iconic images of not only Dylan, you know, where he's sort of backlit as he's facing

the light, you know, with his crazy hair and all these things. But like, if you're, it doesn't even matter what you're a fan of. It could be the Stones with Keith Richards elbow up, you know what I mean? As he's like waiting, waiting that extra beat to play a note or Jagger with his hands. It doesn't matter what you're a fan of. You have, you have these images imprinted on you, and they're the iconic images where you just have to see a silhouette. And so I think he's doing that. Mangold is from New York City, went to Columbia, and Chalamet is from New York City. So I have

some hopes that I'll get that. Of course they're going to lean too much. He also did walk the line, Mangle did. So hopefully they don't lean too much into the love story. Because I think Dylan's real love story was his muses, and only a couple were women. But his muses were Woody Guthrie, Lead Belly. He went from then, he went to country, then he went into rock. And it was just a wake of destruction behind him. Like Picasso, he just was this true artist that chewed up and spit out everything

and famously didn't look back. So I wonder if something can capture that. Wasn't there a documentary called Don't Look Back? Yeah, yeah, and that's from one of his big lines. And that's a great line. And then they should have got Scorsese to direct this, because he did that, was it Rolling Thunder Review? That other documentary.

Well, yeah, and before that, he did the best documentary on Dylan ever, which was, I think that was Don't Look Back. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, right. All right, listen, let's get to Florida. Give me a crinkle. Okay, Florida. ["Don't Look Back"] Here we go, Florida Man gets DUI on golf cart. I don't even know if I have to read more except

that. I think you got it. Of course it comes out of the villages. Yes. We love this. Love the villages. We should just say make the villages. Make America the villages. I know I wish you were an old man though but did you see. And by the way it was a police chase which is just the icing on the cake. But it was a 21 year old guy route he rode on and off the roadways as the deputy followed him with sirens, blazing, and lights activated. At one point, the deputy said he pulled his car out in front of the guy who then drove into the grass in an attempt to evade law enforcement. Can't you chase down a golf cart on foot? Yeah, right. It's ridiculous.

I love it. I got to tell you something. That is me in 10 years down in Leisure World. Our friend, Matt Malloy, already bought a retirement apartment in this place it's in Laguna and it is got I think just 10,000 people that live there and it is like the villages except it's California everybody's got golf carts there's bars there are two courses, there's an archery range, a woodworking shop, an art shop, a ping pong pavilion, ping pong paddle ball, pickle ball, everything, a movie room, screening room, everything you want to have the best. And if we can get 10 of us to live down there and all have golf carts we just have a text chain what are we doing today I don't know let's go

play bocce for three hours while we take edibles are you kidding me they have a TV station they have a TV station they have classes they're connected to a community college where you can take any class you want say you want to read fucking Ulysses we in a class and understand it for the first time. How fucking great would that be? Viagra. Remember the wood shop we went to? Yep.

It was the most professional wood shop we've ever seen. And they've got three different rec centers that each have like two pools, a workout room, they have all kinds of class exercise classes they have a theater they got a theater we could do our podcast from there and you know it's Nick knee you know of course it's nickname it's called leisure world well it was they had to change it because everyone started calling it seizure world. I forget what it's called now, but they're now.

I think it's called Laguna Hills, if you want to look it up. It's pretty sweet. I think it might be over 10,000 people. It's not bad. It might be over 10,000 people, but everyone has a golf cart and people take the golf cart into town. Like they allow for it, they drive on the street. Yeah, it's crazy. Alright, let's make Texas Florida. And Laguna, the beach is about 10 minutes away and they have shuttles that take you

to the beach and back into the coolest little town. Laguna's amazing. Anyway, go ahead, make Texas Florida. Every time the shuttle comes back it's one less passenger. That's how they do it. That's how they keep their occupancy rate under control. Okay, meet the oldest woman, 72, to compete for Miss Texas USA. And subtext, whatever it is, sub headline is not a regular grandma. So Marissa Tejo, now 72, she made history last month as the oldest woman to compete in Miss Texas USA at 71 years old. The timeless beauty pageant, sorry, the timeless beauty

competed against nearly 100 other women at the pageant which came after the Miss Universe organization removed the age limits So anyway, uh, she goes I accomplished my goal now. I searched this article Maybe your goal was coming in 100 because it did not say how she fared in this competition But she said my my oldest granddaughter, who's 21, she used to say, you're not a regular grandma, because most of the grandmas around here in El Paso are grandmotherly. Okay, the comments were funny, though. This guy, the comment just begins with this word.

Nope. Men don't. Nope. Period. Men don't get to pretend that they're still pro athletes at 72. Stop the delusion. Next comment. Those arms of hers scream, I'm 72. No, thank you. The arms are a little thick. They're not great arms. So here's another, the last comment.

What's going on with beauty standards these days? Old women in pageants, dudes dressed like women winning beauty contests, some disgusting body positivity activist telling everyone how beautiful she is, it's total clown world. If you're a 25 year old beautiful woman, you have no chance.

In fact, you'll be shamed for having too much privilege. Oh my God, it's true. It is so hard for a beautiful 25 year old woman. We gotta start making things easier. We gotta grease the wheels a little bit. Here we go to sports. All right. All right. Yeah, I always thought that guy would be around. What was his name? Jim?

Who was like the announcer for the Olympics, remember? Oh, yeah, yeah. You'd only see him every four years. Right. Back then, the Olympics, both summer and winter were the same year. Pat Summerall. No, Jim, I'm gonna look him up right now. I'm looking it up.

All right, you look it up. Jim Olympic announcer and the young kids. Jim McKay. Jim McKay. Oh, he did wide world of sports also, but you only saw him occasionally. He did 16 consecutive hours at the 72 Olympic Games in Munich without a break after the tragic killing of 11 Israeli athletes, coaches, and trainers.

Remember that? Well, as we sit here, the opening ceremonies are happening this very second. And before we started the podcast, I saw a headline that Lady Gaga really impressed, which made me question, like, is it because she has a lady? Do they do they think she's French? Oh, interesting. What's the connection? Yeah. Gaga is interesting. It's Gaga. Gaga. Lady Gaga. I think she's overrated.

And then they had Celine Dion, who somehow is, maybe her stiff person disease went into remission. But I read a headline that she performed with Celine Dion, which does France not have anyone? Because if you're going to choose a French I think she just used Celine Dion as the mic stand though. And yeah, and she couldn't bend it at all to even like she had to jump up and sing in the microphone, which would not come down to her. But if the French are choosing a French Canadian, that means they have no one, because they hate French Canadians.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, that makes sense. Oh, they prefer an American slaughtering their language than a French Canadian speaking flawless French Canadian. I think they hate Haitians, too. Really? The French are haters. Yeah, they are haters.

They're the worst. I mean, here's the other thing. I'm watching this documentary right now that's on Netflix about the Cold War. And we totally forget, like, when we think about World War II, and, you know, Germany, Japan against the Allies. Fucking Italy! Italy was on the axis powers. I mean, yeah, we know that, but you don't really think about, it's not your first thought when you think of World War II

was Italy in there. No. You know, the place we all go and get pasta on vacation. Oh, yeah, you're at the Trevi fan or you're at the Spanish stairs you're not like yeah they all they they they they're like okay to Hitler yeah yeah okay. Join up with that guy. Yeah. Yeah so more on the Olympics as they progress but I saw a sport yesterday where it was like lacrosse except it was

a ball about the size of a bowling ball, smaller than a bowling ball, and they throw it to each other and bounce it, and then throw it into a net that looks like a small soccer net. Very, in a gym, it's very fucking weak. And you just go like, wait a minute,

so some people like, you know, practice swimming in a pool for their intestines their children millions of laps and now the same person gets a gold medal who started bouncing a ball and throwing it in a net about six months ago that's a fucking sport yeah the um john oliver did a thing, I guess it's like the World Games. There's another competition and all the sports are like that. They're like sports that want to be sports and they're not sports yet, but the one you described sounds exactly like one.

Yeah. Let's go to International. Here we go. Scientists in Brazil have come up with the first evidence that sharks are being exposed to cocaine. Better than cocaine bear. This is real. This is fucking real. A biologist who worked on the study of Brazil's, in Brazil said they dissected 13 wild sharp-nosed sharks caught near Rio de Janeiro all tested positive for cocaine. Narco-traffickers being chased in the high seas often tossed bales of cocaine overboard, but they say it's

likely the sharks in the Study were exposed to real wastewater contaminated with the drug. So the wastewater, so not just high on cocaine, they got to have diarrhea, high testosterone, erections, but are in a surprisingly good mood all the time. Yep. Well, you know, it's not far off from cocaine bear was a real thing you know that and it's the same thing it's drug dealers. No. Yeah that cocaine fell out of a plane. Oh no shit. It was a news story. Okay got it.

I believe so. Well normally when you're attacked by a shark you're supposed to punch him in the nose but do not punch these sharks in the nose because they need that to do a couple of lines. And you know chat gbt already has 70 giraffes of cocaine shark. Oh yeah. Cocaine shark versus cocaine bearer. Yeah. In a fight. In a pool. Yep. That's what I want to see. All right, let's get down to this day in history. You got it, here we go. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Okay, what day is it, Sunday? That's what I did it for.

It's the 28th, I believe? Correct. Okay, this day in history. We got some good ones. By the way, can I just mention, speaking of dates, that July 31st, which will be in three days when this airs, I will be at a resort with my wife

celebrating our 25th anniversary date. Come on. Yep, 25 years. That's great. Is that fucking crazy? Where are you going? We just got a place down on, I forget, one of the beach towns. We just got it. We're going to a resort. I mean basically we just did two weeks on the East Coast as our 25th anniversary trip. No kids, just us seeing friends. It was an amazing fucking trip. Just so peaceful gliding down rivers in Vermont on inner tubes and diving off cliffs and mushroom hunting with the Dunskys in the woods behind their farm. Hanging out in New York City, eating at all the best

restaurants. It was incredible. It was such a great trip. That's excellent, man Congratulations, 25 years. Wow. Thank you Greg Jackie oh Jacqueline Kennedy on asses born on this day in Southampton, New York. What year? Give or take five. You have a ten-year window to get this right. All right, well Kennedy was around in the early 60s, probably president in the 40s. I'm gonna say 1925. Oh my God, it just, 1929.

Nice. When did she, it's not this day, when do you think she died, ish? I'm going to say she died in 1997. Nice, 94. Okay, let's see, what was the other one I had? Well, we're not going to do this one, but on this day in 76, an earthquake in China killed more than 240,000 people.

Oh, I remember that. I didn't know about that. Yeah, I remember that. I didn't know about that. Yeah, I remember that. That was, we were young. I'm gonna say that was. No, no, I already said it was 76. I was gonna say 72. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, then I went down to this one. Johann Sebastian Bach, one of the greatest composers of all time. He died, that's a pretty ripe old age of 65, on this day in what year, give or take 50 years. I'm gonna give you a 100 year window. Bach. Bach.

I'm gonna go 1760. Dude, 1750. No! Woo! Yes. Nice. Okay. Now we're, I think this might be Monday, but anyway, this weekend, let's call it, Prince

Charles and Lady Diana Spencer were married in St. Paul's Cathedral in London on this day in what year, give or take four years, I'm giving you an eight year window, married on this day. 81. It was 1981. No! Yeah. I'm on fire.

Well you know what I tracked it to? I tracked it to that she was a big AIDS activist and AIDS happened in the 80s so I assumed that they were married shortly before that. Man. That was my math. I gauge everything by AIDS. Those are my dates. Okay. Okay, the first part of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings was published on this weekend in what year, give or take, five years.

Yeah, you're getting tied on me now because I'm on fire. Yeah, well I'm giving you a ten year window. I'm going to say 1951. You can't. 1954. Unbelievable. I'm not going to I'm not going to quit till you miss one. I think you're going to get that one Van Gogh. You know when Van Gogh died?

OK, Dutch painter Vincent Van Gogh, he died two days after shooting himself. In what year, give or take, I guess I'll give you 10 years, a 20 year window to get this. 1928. Van Gogh in the late 20s? I don't know.

No, 1890. Thank God we can move on. What else we got here? Here we go obituaries. Well very near after my mom. I don't remember exactly what day, but Bob Newhart passed. That was sad. Unbelievable. Yeah, what a fucking guy. Everybody, you know, when you're a comedian and you get interviewed, you frequently get asked who your biggest influence in comedy is, and I always said Bob Newhart. His, I just thought that to me, to be able to draw people to you

in a way that was dry and yet could hit fucking overhead rights. And I just found that powerful, and I always emulated that. And I got to meet him. I posted, if you go to my Instagram, I posted a picture of me and him, probably about six, seven years ago. I was at Jed Apatow's office

and he had just interviewed Bob Newhart for something. So I got a chance to, we hung out for like 20 minutes, got to talk to him, sweetest guy, very funny. He was still quick on his feet. Yeah, that was a sad one. He's unbelievable. I mean, the amount of success, there's rumors, and I didn't look up anything

because we just talk off the top of our heads about him, but there were rumors that even that first comedy album, which is still legendary down line about wasn't even he barely been doing comedy oh no no no no I think he worked in an accounting firm no he used to go to cocktail parties and tell funny stories and do bits and there was a guy that was a friend of his that was in his circle that worked for a record company I can't remember which record company it was and they were starting a comedy division and he said Bob you're funny as shit do you want to do an album and he

said sure that sounds great and he goes all right when are your next tour dates he goes I've never done it in a club before and so they set up a taping in Las Vegas. And he went in and they recorded his first shows ever. And it then went on to win a Grammy that year and be one of the best selling comedy records of all time. Go back and listen if you haven't heard his stand up. He of course is famous for the one side of a phone conversation, which are so great. He it's it's a publicist talking to Abe Lincoln about the Gettysburg

address trying to talk him out of using the word score. No one's going to know score. Just say 20. Like just it's so he also has one, maybe it was Sir Walter Riley, but anyway, it was calling back to England saying- Oh, the dry cleaner, Sir Walter Riley's dry cleaner. Oh, I don't know, oh, okay, but there's another one about cigarettes, explaining cigarettes for the first time. It's like, so hold on, so you light it on fire

and you suck in the smoke? Yes, like, it's just so, so funny. So hold on. So you light it on fire and you suck in the smoke? Yes. It's just so, so funny. And then, I mean, what a tear he went on in the sitcom world. It was incredible. I know. Because he was a guy that in the center of a show, he drew people out. He was not, he was not charging through a scene. He was in the middle of the scene and other people could be big characters and it was his very subtle reactions to them. His dry fucking silent reactions

were just amazing. So after his first one, which was just incredible, he then went on to, I think his second one was when he was up in at the end, right? And yeah, up in the end, like city people go the opening in with Daryl and Daryl and my brother, all that stuff. And that sitcom is almost universally it's accepted that that's the best finale. The last moments of any real sitcom ever. Yeah, I gotta watch that again. Okay. Wait. I mean, you know what I'm referring to? No. How the second sitcom ended.

Don't tell me I'm gonna watch you talk about it next week. No, I don't think I do. It's the most inventive, finale ever, yes. So anyway, he's just amazing and then always always kind of like a Steve Martin, like always shows up in any award show with the best material and he's just... I think he was like best friends with Johnny Carson, wasn't he? Him and Rickles and Carson I think were very close. Yes, they lived up in Malibu. They had a poker game. Johnny Carson, I think Rickles told the story once.

He went over Johnny's, and Johnny overdid it with his house. It was like the crazy scope and size and so modern. And they went in, and I know it's an old line, but I think he was the first to do it. And he's like going around, and Johnny Carson asked Newhart, he's like, well, how do you like the place? He's like, it's good, it's good, it's good. It's like, where's the gift shop?

That's amazing. It's such a cutting comment. Oh my God, you fucking hit me with a ton of bricks on this next one. Don Buchwald died. I put an in there for you. Holy shit, I had no idea. Don Buchwald, if people don't know,

is famously Howard Stern's agent, but long before Howard Stern, Don Buchwald's first client in radio was my father, and those two were, I wanna say best friends, if not very close to best friends for 25 years. And Don did a lot for my father. My father did a lot for Don. My father introduced him to, he was new to broadcasting.

He introduced me to all the station managers. A lot of the early other broadcasters that he signed were friends of my dad's. He got him into the Friars Club. And he was like a guy that I grew up knowing. I'm friends with his daughters. And he was very, after my dad died, extremely supportive, signed me as a client for a period of time

before I moved out to LA. Used to send me out for commercial auditions and he was a guy that you'd go to the Friars Club and he was always sitting at the bar in the Miltonboro room and he had these fucking crisp Italian silk suits and he had the cuffs on his shirts were always monogrammed with his initials

and his hair was always just right. He just had class and style. He was a very caring guy. And him and Stern created this empire hand in hand. I mean, he is as much a part of Howard's success as Howard is. I don't know if I can say that much. I might be overstating it.

But he put together the $500 million serious deal. He brought Howard from local New York radio to syndication with Westwood One Radio. They were like the first, no, I think Rush Limbaugh might've been the first nationally syndicated radio show, but Howard was soon after that. And they just broke down doors in broadcasting for 30 years, just an incredible guy.

So I'll miss him. I wrote about him in my book. I'm posting a picture of him and my dad today, so that'll be on my Instagram account. It's kind of a very sweet, intimate moment they were having together. Nice. And then also condolences to all the John Mayall fans

out there. And- Who's John Mayall? John Mayall and Bluesbreakers, just a legendary, but Eric Clapton gave a very sentimental remembrance of Mayo who he claims saved Clapton's life by taking him in when Clapton was quitting music and addicted to booze and drugs and just a legendary musician. Okay. Yeah. Hey, let's cheer up. So now we go on to the fun. Okay, caption contest. We got, God, we're getting so many great submissions. Thank you guys for

doing that. Send them in to fitsdogradio at gmail.com. Do me a favor, send just one submission. Some people are sending like a dozen. I can't really get to them all. Pick your best one, maybe two, and then put your name underneath your submission in the email. It just makes it easier for me to put it in the doc. All right, so last week we got a couple

and they're sitting and eating dinner and there's a dog standing up with a gun pointed to them and he's a dog standing up with a gun pointed to them and he's saying something. So Mr. Chris said, my ancestors were wolves and I currently have no testicles. Something's gotta give, Frank. I like that one. Jane said, I dare you.

I double dare you, motherfucker. Call me Barky McStinky one more goddamn time. Nice. You know the reference? No. That's pulp fiction. Samuel Jackson. When he's.

Oh, okay. He's got the gun on the two kids. That owe him money. Right, that's say what, right? Like are you deaf? Yeah, yeah. Right, I got, yeah. Yeah.

Jason said, will you give me the honor of licking my sweaty summer ball bag? Don't forget the peanut butter. Michael said, no, I'm done sitting. Now put the fork down slowly. Kelly said, guess who's coming to dinner? It's dog the Bounty Hunter. Jason Cobb said, dog doors make home invasions quite easy. Nice.

Hey, Greg, thought I would inform you that this cartoon you have this week is a far side cartoon. So I should win hands down, cause I know the best caption. This was the Gary Larson caption. Hey, bucko, I'm through with the begging. Dave Draveneck. Brian Meyer said just met the pit bull next door. I think it's time we had a chat about my balls, Dale. Dale. Ryan said first you take my nuts, then you have the audacity to smear peanut butter on yours you sick son of a cunt a lot of balls jokes yeah Wood draws to said dog says to the obese family I heard money is tight and someone has to go I have a gun she

knows how to cook it's not bad, John said, heard you've been calling my lady a bitch. Good one. What do we think? All right. So what do we think? There was one early that was very good. I like the first one. My ancestors were wolves and I currently have no testicles.

Some's got to give Frank. I like that a lot. I do too. That's my vote. All right. Something's gotta give, Frank. I like that a lot. I do too. That's my vote. All right, let's go with that. That is from Mr. Chris. Please send us your address and you will be awarded a Sunday Papers Cousy,

which Mike will be sending out right away. I apologize for the delay, understandable delay, but look at this. Look at all these motherfucking koozies. Look at them. Look at them. Look at them go. Unbelievable. Okay. Alright, next week's capture. There's a bear with a drink in his hand sitting at the bar talking to a bartender. The bartender is doing the classic wipe down of the glass with the cloth and the bartender seems a little bit concerned about what the bear is saying to him.

Picture is available on the YouTube version of this show if you want to take a look at it but it's pretty straightforward. Let's get to Hager the Horrible, who is standing with Lucky, his friend, and his son. And let's see, the son says to Hager, would you tell me where babies come from? And then Hager says, fairy dust and magic spells. And then Lucky has a thought bubble. I wish I

could have had an honest talk like that with my dad hey dad can you tell me where babies come from well son they generally appear in the bellies of women who live in lands that we conquered recently do you mean the products of rape? Now I get your question. Babies? You mean evidence? My dad would be like, oh yeah. What's that? Go ahead. No, I was going to say my dad would be like, well, some babies have to die to make room for the other children. The Lockhorns are out to dinner. Leroy's got a dessert menu and Loretta says to him, don't order the death by chocolate

again. It didn't work last time. I like that one. Loretta says to him, they're eating dinner and and she goes, stop calling my Jell-O salad a congealed weapon. Okay? That's, these are jokes. They're solid jokes.

Solid jokes. Believe it or not, we're still on the Calvin and Hobbes countdown, we're at number three now, I believe, and if we're not, I don't care. But we have not done this one, so's number three there are no words so it's it's two rows one two three four five panels and then below it another five panels so here we go an alarm clock it's so Calvin and Hobbs sleep together I just learned that so an alarm goes off and you see them in bed.

Calvin's rubbing his eyes. Hobbes is given a big old yawn. Calvin looks out the window in the next frame and it looks like it's raining and miserable. The next frame they're at breakfast. Calvin's in the middle of cereal. Hobbes is reading the newspaper eating toast and they're both staring at something they found in the newspaper. The next frame, Calvin and Hobbs are leaving. You see the mom with the open door, and they have an umbrella, and they're braving the rain, and they're going down the front steps. The fifth frame, I guess they're waiting for a bus.

They're out on a sidewalk with the umbrella, looking down the road. I was right. They're waiting for a bus. They're out on a sidewalk with the umbrella looking down the road. I was right They're now on a bus. Oh He's going to school because now Calvin is on the bus and Hobbs is not Hobbs is still outside with an umbrella waving and you see Calvin sitting in his seat and Then the next frame is the mom And then the next frame is the mom opening the blinds and looking out into the rain. And then the next frame is it looks like the dad is running out into the rain and to get Hobbs who is sitting there holding the umbrella in the rain. The next frame, I can't even believe I'm still doing this.

The next frame is Calvin in school just staring at the clock like he's willing it to go faster and it says 10 past nine. And then the next frame is Hobbs looking out the window into the rain from the living room. And that is fucking it. It's a rainy day. They're having a sullen rainy day. It's one of those kind of, you feel it.

You feel the love, you feel the kind of stillness, the trudging of life from the perspective of a little boy. This is how disappointed I am. I'm literally going back to the article to see if I cut off the bottom Yeah, hold on. Nope That's it. That's it Yeah It's a Jimi Hendrix song on and

Something of Neptune that album that came out after he died and it's about the rainy day It's just it's just a rainy day. It's just a feeling. It's just an aura. Here's the problem is, does it matter that it's raining? Like, wouldn't he be just as alone on a sunny day because Calvin is in school? What am I missing?

Well, it's a mood. You know what it's like to look out the window when it's raining out? Yeah, you feel Cozy at the same time wouldn't be better if they were first I don't remember that because I live in LA now, but wouldn't it be better if they both did that like or I don't know I Don't know it all right. Well, I do know is Only two more. There's only two more of those goddamn things.

All right. I think Denman might be on. Is Denman on? Huh. Denman, send us a message if you're on the call. Send it right after Blondie. All right, so Blondie's in bed and she's got a big book open. She's got on a black lacy negligee and Dummy has his

donut pajamas on and he's got a little laptop. Not even a full size laptop, it's like an iPad. Kind of a man, fucking sits in bed with the hottest chick in cartoon history and does it make them, I would not let, you know how far she'd be into that book? If that was my wife, she'd be on page three after about four weeks of reading that book. There would just be dog-eared-

Yeah, the most used bookmark in all history. Just dog-eared corners, one page a night, that's it. And he goes, what are you reading about, honey? She goes, how some husbands will try to make small talk after an argument. And she goes, what are you reading about, honey? She goes, how some husbands will try to make small talk after an argument. And she goes, what are you doing over there? And then he thought bubbles, asking fewer questions. So they had a fight.

She's clearly being flirty with him. And instead, he scowls and looks at his little iPad that's probably filled with like, he's probably looking at Facebook pages of like, cooks. He's looking at pizza, like a child. Why isn't he fat, by the way? I know. He can't even do that right.

He can't even gain weight. No. Can you imagine what I would do to her? Look at her. We don't have to, I don't think. You've been very articulate. Okay, fair enough. Yeah. All right, listen, speaking of being articulate,

we want you guys to talk to each other on a phone that is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Go ahead and pick yourself up a little deal with Mint Mobile by going to mintmobile.com slash papers. You're gonna get three months of wireless for 15 bucks a month. Also, Game Time's going to get you into the events that you love for way less.

Go to the Game Time app and you redeem code PAPERS, for $20 off. Thanks for coming back, Mike. I know you've had a rough couple weeks. You were fantastic today. Thank you, man. Despite- Oh, thank you. Well, this was fun. And like last time, it's a nice way to talk about it

and keep it light. So I appreciate that opportunity. And yeah, I think that's about it. We have to go see Lady Gaga and how she did at the opening ceremonies now. Oh, I think that's about it. We have to go see Lady Gaga and how she did at the opening ceremonies now. And it'll be remarkable. What I was gonna say is it'll be remarkable how much news has happened between now and our next podcast a week away. I know, I know, get ready.

Tell your friends, Sunday papers, go to applepodcast.com, leave a comment, and rate us. Also, don't forget to look at the YouTube page, leave a comment there, and get ready. Special's coming out at the end of August, and I'm gonna need you to watch that. Tell your friends, let's blow it up. Mike, I guess I'll see you this week. You got it, pal. Take it.

Take it. All right. Sunday papers. We got news. News, news, news, news, news, news, news. Wank, wank. Bollocks, bollocks. Wank, wank, Pollux. Whine, whine, whine. Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux, Pollux I'm going to be a good boy. Boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink boink Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks. Bwank.

Bwank.