Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 229 8/25/24

Episode Date: August 25, 2024

A teacher starts an only fans account, Disney is the evil empire, a man goes full Florida and Garfield eats a donut.

Sunday papers, Sunday papers, Greg and Mike. Three, two, one. And there's that. Read all about it! There he goes. Read all about it! Guess who's in the South this week? Guess who's in Kentucky? The thinking man's Tennessee.

I would say that's what I'm going to talk about. I don't know why I said that's what I'm going to talk about. Kentucky, I consider the North South. That's a phrase only I use. Well, I call Missouri that too, right?

I don't know. You know, in the drive across country, I think I mentioned this last week, but I've done it so many times. I think I did mention this, but I'll never ever conceptually accept that almost all of Nebraska is north of Colorado or a lot of it. Oh, no kidding. In my mind, that's wrong. There's no way. Right. But let's see you wanted to talk about Missouri? Well Missouri was famously... Because of the

Civil War. During the Civil War they were very split. It was that was where Jesse James was and it was I read a book about him and it was all marauding gangs and some were Confederate and some were Union and each town like half the town was one way or the other and people would go burn each other's fucking barns down and it's just it was it was medlem bedlam not medlem even worse than medlem bedlam. Well you in Kentucky share a southern, it's just, it continues across. Missouri and Kentucky basically

are on the exact same latitude, their southern border. It's a straight line across. Goes right above Nashville and right under Branson. Branson, yeah. Branson's further south than you are right now. Yeah. But like there's Nebraska is, Nebraska is fully above Kentucky.

Nebraska's above Kentucky. Yeah, of course it is. Nebraska's above a bunch of Chicago. That's another thing. Chicago is further north in Colorado yeah yeah well I guess it's the mountains I mean it's the elevation in Colorado it's not the latitude yeah and then there's there's other things and some some people like nerds I guess like me get very annoyed that there is one part of Florida that is only one time zone away from one part of Oregon.

What? That's a weird one. Really? That's a very weird one. No, that's not possible. I won't believe that. Nope. No, no.

I won't believe it. Western Florida in the Panhandle is in central and then part of this Oregon is in mountain. Wow. Yep. Damn. It. Yep. Damn. Yeah. I'm in so many time zones. I am in, I did four days in New York, now three days in Kentucky, and then I'll do four days in Austin, and then I'll do three days in Colorado, and then I come home for two days and then I go to Boston, Maine, back to Austin and home again. Olivia you should go see you in Boston. Oh yes she's got to be 21.

Well as we know she has her fake ID although her fake ID is now too old. It says she's like in her mid-20s. That's hilarious. She's got to re-rack it. So by the way we apologize there was no video last week because my computer I record the zoom calls and I get I don't know if my Wi-Fi was bad but it just crashed as soon as we finished and we had no remaining video. Yeah we looked at each other the whole time and it definitely set it recorded. But how weird is this?

So as good as I am, I'm so good about answering the people on YouTube now. And when I'm answering, like there were a couple of references that were vague. I'm like, what are they talking about? It's like, came here to see your mugs and now they're not here. Like, it's just weird i'm

like what and then i slowly realized there was no video oh you didn't know before that oh oh right i guess you wouldn't have known huh okay i mean i saw the text back and forth but then like denman was going to help you somehow get the video So look, I don't I love the South people are very nice, but they're fucking dumb so I go down to the front desk and I'm like you guys you guys have coffee and she's like well we have a coffee machine but They forgot to get milk and I go. Well, is there a coffee place nearby? And I'm like in downtown Louisville and they go, uh, she thinks about for like a minute. I, I, I, I, well, I don't know. And then she goes, well, there's a Marriott right around, right around the corner. Well,

it's not right around the corner. It's three blocks down and I get there and they have no coffee. There's no fucking coffee there. and now I'm running late for taping this show and I come back and I go I go There's no I go what and she goes well You can use the coffee machine. There's just no milk So I walk over and it's in the little eating area and they've got a refrigerator a mini fridge and it's got those Starbucks Bottled mocha coffees. so I grab one of those, I make a black coffee, I open up the Starbucks, I pour in a big glug, and then I hid that

behind the coffee machine, and I just went to my room. Fuck them! Why didn't you take it? Because there was a security guard looking right at me. You go to the Marriott like, well listen, we got milk, but you go to the comfort inn for the coffee. Oh my God. So I gotta thank you.

I got my new Mustang. If people didn't hear last week's episode, I bought my Mustang and you suggested, because my wife has a broken foot, you said take her on a drive up in Malibu and you sent me a map in an email and I took this drive. I gotta tell you something.

You forget how beautiful, we live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I've been up since you went, I went back with the scooter and went up a new way that's even closer, I gotta tell you about. It's like, am I in Durango, Colorado? It's crazy. Yeah, you go up past Pepperdine and then you take a right

up to Mulholland and then you just zip around up there and just and also with the performance sports car it's all zigzagging roads serpentining and you know there was motorcycles flying through like crazy and so you just went alone on your scooter? Yeah on a weekday which makes a huge difference. Yeah. And then when yeah all the way up and you'll listen it's your scooter up there? Yeah, on a weekday, which makes a huge difference. Yeah. And then went all the way up. And you know, listen, it's a scooter, but it's still really fun going up that. And it's pretty, like, I forget the peak is probably 3,600 feet, which, you know, of course,

doesn't sound like that much. But when you're talking vertical, Jackson Hole is the biggest vertical ski mount, which is from the base to the top, and that's 4,000. That's bigger than anything, Vail anything. So that's what these basically are, is from the ocean up. Like they are considerable mountains. Yeah.

Yeah, it's the biggest peak in the range that runs from Santa Barbara over. Saddle Peak. Yeah, Saddle Peak. It's the peak of Saddle Peak, whatever. Anyway. They're amazing up there. What's going on, you watching this convention? Yeah, okay, so I have, all right.

So during the convention, so my dad dad all right. This is funny. So my dad is like Super liberal guy. I really need to preface this So super liberal guy. I mean born in Harlem grew up dirt poor both parents immigrants but I grew up dirt poor and then the Bronx and He's always been championing causes. And he in fact he's going in Florida, he's volunteered to go out and be one of the monitors because he thinks he's gonna be up against Republican monitors who are scaring away Democratic voters. Okay. So anyway, he writes, writes I have been watching the Democratic Convention

I am for the Democrats obviously, but I want to get your opinion on something that I'm feeling The account the convention is too black They want to attract independents and non-MAGA Republicans. They are not gonna do it, in my opinion. What do you think? Right? This is your dad.

Yeah. So, all right, I wanna say a couple things. So, meanwhile, when I then started watching with that lens, it was crazy diverse. And, and listen, you and I, we have an audience in everything we do. We're judging ourselves on how we're telling a story, how we're telling a joke, how we're presenting. My whole life has been basically built on manipulating people to like me more so than the average person and then all that stuff. So I always know, like you can't bury the lead, like yeah, I'm always wondering how

it will be taken and to a fault, I almost put that above like expressing exactly what I'm feeling, you know what I mean? Like I'm thinking so much about- Style over substance. Yeah, and so like it's like, it got me thinking, what was the goal? Because if you wanted to infuriate these Trump supporters and Trump Nation and these stupid Republicans in my opinion, the really backwards, prejudiced ones, boy, this was the way to do it. Like it was the most diverse party,

like a just shameless celebration of that. And now when you start bringing out DL Hughley, it's like, what, what? What's going on? Where's? Oh no, so I told, and also by the way, I told Dickie about that and he goes, I respectfully disagree.

And he's like, it's more about being forward looking, energy, energy, energy, energy, joy, all that. And I go, yes, you can do that also without it. And so anyway, Dickie then goes to one point, so we're talking about it. And he goes, Beyonce was rumored to come out, right? Anyway, then he goes, the Central Park Five just came out. And I start dying laughing because that's a great joke.

Like, how could you get any more like, boy, they really went very minority in this. And then he writes something that made me laugh even harder. I'm not joking, because they did. No. And you want to know who introduced them? Al Sharpton.

No. Al Sharpton introduced the Central Park Fire. This is, by the way, 24 hours. This is the next day after my dad brought up that point. But anyway, going back to my dad, now going full circle, back to what my dad wrote. Ready? He goes, they're not gonna do it in my

opinion if you know it's too black and all this so I write to him I agree and all that but next text from my dad this white lady singing is terrible bring back the black entertainers that's hilarious my God, he's probably talking about Pink. Pink's daughter, God bless her, sweet little girl, probably had a rough life, awful singer, just awful. I thought Oprah was ridiculous, she was a caricature of herself. I didn't need each person telling me their life story.

Oprah, I know your fucking life story and not every single person has to bring up the fact that Donald Trump called soldiers losers. Like, literally nine people in a row use the same, can somebody, can we get a show runner to go through people's speeches and say this is extremely redundant? Oh, so much.

And even in Kamala's thing, I'm like, yes, no, no, we know the laundry list of the awful things Trump has done. And then like occasionally someone would hit the note and listen, maybe I'm wrong. Oh, getting back to the black thing. I was wondering this had to be calculated and maybe it was if we can just mobilize the black vote, we don't care about independence. That number would just absolutely wash out any gain from independence or fence sitting undecided.

So I can't even understand an undecided. But maybe that's maybe that was their game, you know, like they're it was so obvious. And by the way at one point, because now my dad's in my ear, and I'm like at one point I'm like I swear to God this is true. And I was like oh wait there was a cutaway? I'm like oh wait there was a white guy? Oh wait he had Down syndrome. Swear to God that happened. Not kidding that happened last night. Oh, but anyway, Kamala going on and on,

and I was like, but occasionally this note was struck. And if I had a hand in organizing this, I would have really leaned into this note, which was speaking to Trump supporters who might be watching this, because they're curious and not curious to hate, but curious about what's being said. I think Obama said it at one point,

but anyway, it was like, listen, I understand your frustrations. That's why you're voting for him. And things aren't good. I'm like, yes, lean into that. Lean into that you get it, you get the problems that people have with the Democratic Party.

Yep, all right, well listen, I wanna move on as a lot of our listeners just have. So my special- Why, we're criticizing the left, isn't that a good thing? My special comes out in two days, the 27th of August, and I am imploring you as fans of this show, as supporters of me on some level over the years,

I'm counting on you now. I need to get a big hit on the first day. I need you to go to my YouTube, this YouTube page that you're watching it on, or just Greg Fitzsimmons comedy, and watch it, comment, like it, tell your friends. I'm gonna be doing a lot of podcasts, but it's you guys, the base that I need to watch.

I'm really proud of it. I spent a fucking ton of money. I don't know what happened. I don't know when I lost control of the checkbook, but I won't make any of the money back. I'll make very little of the money back, but I'm doing it, and I'm doing it on YouTube because I want everybody to see it,

so get out and do it. Tuesday? Tuesday the 27th. There'll be a link. I have two Google accounts, because I occasionally answer with the wrong one, that Kiwis one. I'm gonna watch it on both.

I love it, I love it. And leave a comment. Here's what I'd like you to do. Leave a comment and in the comment say, I know you from Sunday papers. I want the hashtag to be, cause it's called you know me. And so I want you to say,

I know you from Joe Rogan experience, from Mark Maron, whatever. Put it in there. And it's all about the algorithm. Anyway, I'm tired of talking. So I get to New York. I flew to New York this week to do, this is the press junket now. It used to be that you would go to New York and you would do Letterman and you would do Good Morning America. That's what A-listers would do. Now, the podcasts dwarf broadcasts by tenfold. And I am lucky enough to have come up in the podcast world where a lot of people are having me on their podcasts.

So I'm just so fucking grateful. Except, you know, you're insecure and you're like, oh God, am I gonna show up? And people are like, do I really want him all? You know, like you really, you get self-conscious. And so the first night I get there, you ever heard of Legion of Skanks? I've heard of it.

It's like Jay Okerson and Louie Gomez. Yeah. And Dave Smith. And so- No, they're really funny. They're really funny. And they really funny and they're so dark that they are so out there that just to appease their audience, because you're in a comedy club,

you start saying shit that you would never say and then afterwards you're like please nobody cut that up and put it on the internet. And so I walk in and I texted Jay on my way from the airport saying, hey, just to let you know, I landed. I'm probably coming straight from the airport because I don't have time to go to the hotel. I'll see you at eight. And then I get a text and then I get a, you ever get the reply text and it's just bubbles

for a long time. So I got the bubble float, and then finally it said, yes sir, one word, yes sir. And I was like, ah, that's odd. And then I get to the comedy club, and I'm backstage, and then the producer goes, okay, Bonnie McFarland was there as well. And they usually only have one guest.

They go, well, we don't have an extra set of headphones. So we only, and I went, fucking Jay forgot to, Jay asked me to do the show, and he didn't tell them. And I sat down, and the first words out of my mouth was, Jay, you stoner motherfucker, you forgot I was on the show. And they all started cracking up, and they started reading me the texts from an hour before when I had texted him for the airport he's like dude total whiff I fucked up I had booked Fitzsimmons I forgot to tell you and so they that that clip is

actually on on their they posted on all their social media. That's a good organic moment. Yeah it was very funny it was very funny And then I did I did David Cross's podcast, which was really He's gonna hates Venice. So we got into it a little bit about Venice Beach. Some people really hate Venice Beach It's become such a lightning rod for people like everybody thinks they know what Venice is Venice has a lot of levels and components and sections like you know there's the tourism section there's the surfing community there's the artists there's a lot of galleries there's performance spaces theaters there's gangs there's fucking there's every there's a lot of homeless I'll give you that yeah paddle tennis

volleyball yeah skateboard park world-class skateboard park, anyway, and different kinds of people. It's very diverse, but everybody thinks it's either just like a row of fucking tents, or they think it's a bunch of like yuppie douchebags on Abikini, but there's a lot more to it. Anyway, but we was great. We had a lot of laughs.

I did Jim Norton's show. Nice. With Sam, I did Jim Norton's show. Nice. With Sam, I did Ron Bennington. You ever heard of Ron Bennington? He's got a big show on Series XM. And he interviewed me, and I had just taken Kevin Meaney's daughter out to lunch. And it was a very emotional lunch.

Like we talked about Kevin a lot, and she's really still going through his, even though he died like eight years ago, it's still, it hit her at the age of like 14. So she's still dealing with it. And so I get to the interview and it's kind of like a life story interview where he was asking me about my childhood

and I was talking about Kevin when I was a kid, I knew him and how he mentored me and then he was, you know, in my wedding party and all that. And then I told this other story about being at the Montreal Comedy Festival and like getting my big break, and he was the first one there and he hugged me.

And as I said it, I started crying. And there was a crowd, there was like a studio at Sirius. And I'm fucking sitting there, and it was one of those, it wasn't like a quick, sorry, it was like a fucking, like a good 30 second, could not get my shit back together again. Oh my God, which, whatever, it's probably fine. They must have been very touching though. I hope so, I hope so, but it's just so funny

when you do an interview interview with he's a comedian and it's supposed to be a comic thing, but I Get very emotional. I always do thinking about Kevin I texted our good friend Jack the other day and I said do you remember when you and I were in high school and Maybe was even a little later. Maybe our 20s and Your mom all of a sudden, it was just the three of us in the kitchen, your mom goes, I don't know,

what's going on with your father? But all of a sudden that guy's a crybaby. And you know, you know Jack's dad and he is like a very stoic. He's like a wasp. One would say maybe even to a fault, unemotional. You know what I mean? Like he's a very kind of like father figure

in the old WASP tradition. And he had gotten to his 50s, she's like, I mean he cries in India, and she was like, I mean he cries in movies now, he cries with this, this, this. So I said, I just simply set that up like that, I go to Jack, I go, well, let me just tell ya, I've fully arrived where your dad was.

I don't know about you. And Jack's like, I sometimes all of a sudden start choking up in the car alone, depending on what song comes on. You know? Yeah. And I think, man, I don't know if it's a natural rhythm that happens or is it all the years of kind of, you know, pushing our emotions

down? It would be very interesting to study what it is, but almost universally I'm hearing the same thing. Well, I think we're also going through a transition where our kids are moving out and I feel like I held down, you know, from when they were born until, until college, it was like, earn, keep it together, protect, discipline. And now they're gone. And it's almost like your shoulders drop and you can kind of feel a little more vulnerable again.

For me, it's, I don't know if nostalgia is the right word, but for me, it's very much a Really Appreciating beautiful things especially ones that meant a lot to me during my life, you know and So to me there's there's a nostalgia part to it and an acceptance like I think my mind is Recognizing. Okay, you're in, okay, you're entering Act Three now. Yeah, I went, when I was in New York, I saw Louis C.K. and I was in the back of the room. He didn't even know I was watching him.

And he did this set and he was talking about getting older and how his relationships mean so much more to him. And he goes, like, I've been telling the people that I truly love, I've been telling them I love you. So then I see him out front, and we're talking for a long time. We had very, you know, very, we've known each other for many years,

and we talked about each other's families and all that. And then I said, all right, man, I'll see you later. And I give him a hug, and he walks away. And he walks about 10 steps, and then he turns around all right, man, I'll see you later. And I give him a hug and he walks away and he walks about 10 steps and then he turns around and he comes back and he goes, hey, hey, hey, come here. And he gives me this big hug and he goes, I love you. I was like, wow, that was heavy. Sometimes people aren't fully there, you know?

I've found like,, alright, this literally happened last night with our friend Pete. And I did one of those moments that Louie just did. So we were texting back and forth. And then I paused, it was almost like Louie, I turned around, here was my text, hey, love you man. With my mom recently passing, I have so much more true empathy rather than sympathy for the passing of your folks. Sympathy only goes so far, I've learned.

Anyway, as my dad says, they're firing at their lines now. And I know Mr. Friend of Ours, Jack Stead, is going through it a little bit too. It's a tough time, but also lots to be grateful for how long everyone's been around. Pete responds, yes, agree. It's like, dude, I just shut all momentum down and told you I loved you. shut all momentum down and told you I love you. Not even a heart emoji, not even a round of applause emoji, just yes, agree. There wasn't even a capital letter, just yes, not even a capital letter, yes, agree. Wow. And then immediately, Peter has notifications silenced. I might have been blocked. I think he blocked me.

That's hilarious. Yeah, no, you do some heartfelt ones. Sometimes I'll get a voicemail from you. I remember you called me when your TV show got picked up and you left me a very long loving message and you were crying telling me that you loved me and then you were like all right I'm a little drunk. Did you hear my blanker on? Yeah. Well no because I wouldn't I wouldn't be in this business if not for you and you know you just bring up the Kevin Meany I have a great memory of you taking

me to Harvard Square to see him at whatever club is in Harvard Square. Catch a rising star. To see Kevin Meany and to see like this was the first time I think maybe you were going as a comedian who was trying to get things off the ground you know what I mean and like went to see him and it could not have been he could not have been more supportive and he destroyed it was like he was like it was just he had like heat all over him you know what I mean like he was just this red-hot comic who couldn't have been higher up in my estimation, and he was just so supportive of you,

and you guys told stories about your dad and how long he knew you, and it was really cool. Yeah, yeah, I remember that night very well. I hadn't seen him since I was a kid, and he saw me, and he said, I literally hadn't seen me since I was probably 11, and he goes. Oh, I see, I didn't even put that together. I knew it was the first time. He goes, because my dad called me, and he said, I literally hadn't seen me since I was probably 11. And he goes- Oh, I see, I didn't even put that together. I knew it was the first time.

He goes, cause my dad called me and he goes, you remember that waiter from Nolwood? He goes, he's a big comedian now. So he knew, my dad knew I was doing standup and he goes, keep an eye out for him. And so we just showed up. I think it was just me and you. And you know, so this is 37 years ago.

And we walk in and he goes, Fitzsimmons. I was like, what? And yeah, the rest is history. He was like Johnny Carson's favorite comic at that point. Like it was, it was incredible. He just had an HBO special and he was just the guy that, that night and many others, I would put those sets against any comic I've ever seen

in terms of making somebody double over where your stomach hurts and you can't breathe. And I'm not talking about a few people in the crowd, the entire crowd was laughing that hard. I don't know anybody that I've ever seen do that. Well, you can go watch those Johnny Carson's and hopefully find the right one, but Johnny Carson is doubled over laughing

and can't believe how funny he is while he's performing on his show. He's pounding his fist on his desk with his head down. Yeah, crazy. All right, so let's get to our logo. Big thanks to Jane S, huge supporter, and she's made a bunch of logos for us. This is the Zig Zag one.

I don't know why nobody ever thought of Sunday papers as cigarette papers. I'm Zig, you're Zag. Oh yeah, there we go. JR Snyder with some down home banjo playing for us this week. Love the simplicity. Love it. It was a perfect short punchy theme song.

Looking for more? We got a bunch in. We definitely need more. Keep sending in the theme songs. Corrections, this week Rob Solier, we had a lot. I didn't even put them all in. I was a little off last week. Rob Solier said, Greg, congrats on making Mike

look like an idiot, like he said you would. Because with all the FitzDawg confidence you could muster, you declared the human character's name was Odie, when in fact it was John. We're talking about Garfield, of course. The dog's name is Odie, poor Mike it was John, we're talking about Garfield of course. The dog's name is Odie, poor Mike, take it each. Also that I bought that if, here's the choices,

Odie and John, which one's the human? We're gonna go with Odie? That's what happened and I went along with it. Shane Mallet said Hemingway's six word story. I think this might have been from my podcast actually. But somebody once. No, I love this. Somebody once challenged Hemingway,

what is the shortest novel you can write? And he thought about it and he said, for sale, baby, I said baby, basket? Baby, yeah, basket. But it's actually baby shoes. For Sale Baby Shoes Never Worn. So I said the wrong one,

and I got a lot of people correcting me. Somebody even went so far as to say it wasn't even Hemingway that it was attributed to Hemingway, but it's believed that it was somebody else. This guy named Greg, nice name, gay guy. I'm sure you got, it is a gay name. Bruce and Greg might be the two gayest names.

Like when you think of like the cliched stereotypical Greg. I don't think so. No? Okay, good. What don't think so. No? Okay, good. What do you think the gayest names are? Besides, obviously Bruce. Probably Fitzsimmons. You got that sss.

You got that double tss. Why Bruce though? Bruce. No, it's cause it's sss. Yeah. Sibylence. I'm sure you got a bunch of corrections for your incorrect math on 40% of 12,

which I said was three. So I won't mention that. I want to correct where later in the show you bragged about how correctly calculated 40%. What? Your correction doesn't make any sense. So yeah, 40% of 12 is what? Four, you're gonna make me do that now?

Oh, I think it's 4.8, it's 4.8. Okay. Yeah. Right? 4.8. Cause 12 times 40 is- Oh, I can't wait, keep going. is 480. So it's 4.8%. And then I'll leave off this last part. And then this was very funny. Carol goes a little bit more in depth about the Garfield thing.

I'm not religious or anything, but Lord God Almighty, did you and Mike fuck up the Garfield comic strip? This is way better than the time you tried to figure out the number of days between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. Based on the third day he rose from the dead timeline. The owner of Garfield is John and the dog is Odie. To hear the comic strip explain what the wrong names was funny enough, but then the way everything started

was just the best. And then she actually transcribed the conversation. Mike says, you'll have to forgive me. Garfield's the cat, but I don't know the owner's name. Greg, Odie. Mike, you don't know that really, do you? Greg, yeah, it's Odie. Mike, pause.

You're just going to make me a fool. I'm gonna say Odie? Greg, it's Odie. Mike, so Odie, with complete blind trust, confidently proceeds to explain the entire comic strip with reversed characters. After Mike is done explaining all the panels, Greg says, I have no idea what that means.

Then Mike stammers, I can't even guess what this is about. Then you guys confusingly try to interpret the entire thing. Laugh out loud, love it, Carol. All right, well we got Odie down below. We're doing number nine in our top 10 countdown of Garfields. Oh, here we go. Tour dates, I just added a bunch of new tour dates

for the winter. Look at this. So we've got Denver Comedy Works, August 29th through 31. We've got Austin at the Mothership, September 6th through 8th. Temecula, September 21st. Then I'll be off to Alaska, September 25th through 8th. Temecula, September 21st. Then I'll be off to Alaska, September 25th through 28th. Then I'm coming to Tulsa, Tacoma, San Fran, Cleveland, Atlanta, Janesville, Wisconsin,

Nyack, New York, Raleigh, North Carolina, Milwaukee, Vegas, Hollywood, Pittsburgh. Go to fitsdog.com, get some tickets, come out and see my new hour. Retire the old hour. Yeah. Support comes from Game Time. Oh, let's talk about Game Time. You know it's our favorite. Come on now, Game Time picks. You got the super deal. You got, listen, one of the reasons I love it, I say this every time, is you get the full price that's stated all in. You don't have to do guesswork like the other resellers

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Is it now? All right, hold on, let me go here to Los Angeles. Also sports, we got football season coming up, we got baseball going into the home stretch. It's amazing how cheap some of these sports tickets are. And I love, I see all these acts. Well, by the way, here comes Billy Strings tonight at the forum. What?

28 bucks here in LA. I know where you're going tonight. Billy Strings is phenomenal. We got a lot of Dodgers tickets coming down the home stretch here. We got Black Tiger Sex Machine. You want to go see Black Tiger Sex Machine? Who are they playing? They're a band. It's 44 bucks.

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A teacher's only fan side hustle leads to resignation and a public battle. Before before beginning to produce saucy videos in 2023, Miss Coppage was a high school English teacher in suburban St. Louis, Missouri, and struggling to make ends meet after her husband was laid off. I made $42,000 a year. Missouri is one of the lowest paying states in the country for teacher pay. She spotted a friends page on OnlyFans, the subscription-based video hosting service primarily associated with adult sexual content, and she decided to give it a try.

So at first, it was just like me and my husband. Just like boy, girl stuff, girl stuff, just me. But didn't show my face. She should say boy, girl. She should say man, woman. I think that sounds a little better. Definitely don't say man, girl. Yes, that's the one to avoid. Yeah woman boy That works for me. Yeah, but didn't show my face at all

She said of her early videos on the platform this added five thousand dollars a month to her income Despite this concern she didn't see her OnlyFans career as being at odds with her work as a teacher. I wasn't doing anything illegal, she said. I'm there to teach reading and writing, like I'm not there to instill their morals. And then someone called and reported to the school, even though her career as a teacher was cut short, she has embraced her life as an OnlyFans creator. Wait for it. I don't have any regrets, she said. And last year, she made $2 million on her OnlyFans.

Oh. And got to have sex every single day for four hours. I think her account should be called OnlyStudents. Oh, that's who's watching? That's her bread and butter. No, that's what she's watching? That's her bread and butter. No that's the key. Because they say it's about finding your audience. Yeah, teach your audience.

And then just let it slip that their teacher is now available to watch Having Sex. Oh my god. Two million. And she said it didn't affect her lessons. Charlie, please spell fellatio. And don't forget everybody, I want you to finish up chapter three of Jenna Jameson's memoir,

How to Make Love Like a Porn Star a Cautionary Tale. Actually the name of her book. Two million, that's 47 years, over 47 years of teaching at her salary. That's a no-brainer. Yeah, yeah. Lot of parent-teacher conferences. Honey, you stay at home, I got this one, I got it.

You know, I haven't been showing up enough. Can I, video conference, teacher? Would that be, can we do that? Yeah. Yeah, you're trying to get your kid to fuck up in school so that you get called into the teacher more often. I'm concerned about my son again. I just don't think he,

there's a lot of dangling prepositions. He has an A, Mr. Gibbons. He has an A. Yeah, but you know. Another story I found a thought of you. I hired this is a quote. I hired a friendship coach to help me with hard conversations. This is what she told me. So we don't bat an eye when couples seek therapy, but what about friends like you and Dennis Greg? It suggests using practical phrases like I'm nervous telling you because the last thing I would want is for it to impact

our friendship and These tender phrases let someone know how you feel about the conflict and how well you have thought it through before approaching them Dennis I'm nervous about telling you about your temper because it hurts my feelings because I'm afraid your wedge will hurt me physically. That's what I'm nervous about. I was also warned about the temptation to use therapy talk when having hard conversations with friends. Like, I thought about it and I just don't have the capacity. And what happens is we speak formally, but that's not congruent with the context of your friendship.

She emphasized the using language that incorporates your feelings. Here's another one, like, I'm so torn up about it. If you say something like that, it feels more human and relates more to the context of your friendship. This is the one I would use. I don't have the capacity to tell you that I'm nervous to tell you this, and then I would just blurt it out.

Yeah. Dennis, I don't have the capacity to tell you that when you throw a putter at a squirrel, it brings up trauma from when you throw a putter at a squirrel it brings up trauma from when you threw a putter at a crow? I am over capacity, you fuck. Should we call Dennis and I'll try some of these out? I think we don't want to interrupt him, he's at his fantasy football draft. Oh right, right, right.

You know what high pressure situation that is? I'll call him next week. Yeah, we don't want to interrupt him. He's at his fantasy football draft. Right, right, right, okay. You know what high pressure situation that is? Yeah. I don't think he has capacity to take your call right now. Yeah, we don't want to ruin his day. All right, I love this story. The average person, I love this headline too. I love the transition.

The average person knows if their day has been ruined by 8.36 a.m. Yeah. That's the headline. But you know people are having it rough when they scream about 8.36 instead of, I don't know, 8.30 or even 8.35. I have been dealing with this crap since 8.36 in the a. Yeah, right. The poll of 2,000 Americans also found that the average person endures four bad days per month, totaling a staggering 48 days,

or a month and a half of bad days annually. Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah, one respondent in the study said, they woke me up with this fucking questionnaire at 9.02 this morning. Not 8.36? No, it's 9.02.

We moved on. Alright, so I'm going to quiz you. They have the top five morning mishaps that signal an impending bad day. Let me find it. that signal an impending bad day. Let me find it. There's also a big list of the, let me go, of the 20, the top 20 causes of bad days. It's a little redundant, they're covered in these five.

Here we go. All right, top five. Top five morning mishaps. Not having milk for your coffee. No, we're being in that hotel that has no milk. I would say hitting on your spouse and them shutting you down. Wow, that's a big one, man.

These are minor. Okay. I would say. Let's see if you can get one. Okay, how about didn't sleep well? Yes, that's number, well, it's two. I don't know if this is in order, but 31%. I would say the water in the shower is not hot.

Nope. I would say baby crying. Nope. I would say stubbed your toe. Two are similar. Waking up feeling sick and then another one is waking up with a headache. Oh. I know, they're weird. Sleeping poorly is another one.

Then there's things once you're, once you've got going that happen that can mess up your day. Traffic. That's a great one. And no, no, it's before that. Parking ticket. Losing keys. Oh, yeah. And then forgetting your phone at home.

Yeah, okay. Got it. Let me see if the top 20 is anything interesting. Running out of toilet paper, that jumps out to me. Forgetting your wallet. Well especially, it's one thing if you run out of toilet paper before you begin a bowel movement, but once you've finished and then you go to reach for it, what are your options? Yeah, you've got to just go with the hand and re-shower. Is that what you would do? No.

Okay, here we go. You're right. No, I'd use my sock. Here, this is interesting. Number 12 on the top 20 causes of bad days, waking up on the quote wrong side of the bed. But like. Isn't that what the description of being in a bad mood is? Yeah.

Yeah. So in other words, are they meaning literally? Like, how did I get over, how am I on top of my spouse? Isn't that a good start to a day? Yeah, right, right. The wrong side of the bed. I wonder where that phrase comes from. There must be some historical thing that that refers to. The wrong, waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Maybe you were the top bunk and you fell off. Somebody write in with the answer to that. What is the background of waking up on the wrong side of the bed. All right, a Portland man. Wait, here's 17 and 18. 17 running out of coffee, Greg. Now there we go. 18 spilling my coffee. How about that? And then, yeah, okay, we're good.

Here's a guy that woke up on the wrong side of the bed. A Portland man won the lottery at a local bar and was followed home by a patron who stabbed him 15 times with a pocket knife for the winnings. First of all, I need a reality show about this bar. The worst bar in America, the saddest place in America. The victim met the suspect while playing the lottery machines at

Montana's bar in the city Saturday night after winning $2,000, called it a night, went home, suspect was caught on surveillance cameras following the victim home, sneaking behind the victim until he got to the door and then he demanded the money and stabbed him. So first of all a pocket knife? Did he corkscrew him in the shoulder? Did he pinch him with the tweezers or clip his toenails with the scissors? Was it we get fucking mugged by a Boy Scout? Yeah, what is going 15 times with the pocket? You know the first date the guys like what dude dude What are you doing like. Like, what are you, pinching me? Yeah, right.

Yeah, and it's one of those knives that like, when you stab somebody, it accidentally folds itself up, and then you end up slicing the back of your own knuckles. Yeah. Here's a good one. I'm gonna have to try to get through this because it's a long story, but Disney has backpedaled on its stance

in a wrongful death suit filed filed by a widower whose wife died after having eaten at a restaurant in Disney World. So Disney is now saying it will waive arbitration that it argued the man agreed when he signed up for Disney Plus. I don't think you need to say anymore. That's your whole story. Yeah, so basically Yeah, so basically They they made a bunch of corporate bullshit about how we strive to put humanity above considerations But their initial reaction to this man whose wife after they three times Said to the server. There's no problems with food allergies here, right? She has food allergies. And they said they were being accommodated,

and then she went into a severe allergic reaction and died. And so, but because- And it was at Raglan Road Irish pub and restaurant in Disney World. I'm thinking it might've just been the Irish food. That's true, That's true. That's true. Could have been just that.

Yeah, there's a clause when you walk into an Irish restaurant, it says no shirt, no shoes, no suing. No taste. No taste. But basically they said that because this person had opted in on their Apple Plus subscription, that there was something in that,

and you know the million words that you don't read when you sign? It says that you will settle with arbitration instead of being able to sue. So look, I got Disney Plus, and it was so, I watched fucking, Ted Lasso was so bad, I tried to commit suicide. Can I sue Disney for that?

Arbitration, I'm sorry. Did you see season two? Because the first season, look, it was it was coronavirus viewing. It was perfect. It was feel good. And then it got and then they they realized they were cute and sweet and then the fucking network said cuter sweeter cuter sweeter and they the second season was so fucking unwatchable. This is a crazy even for corporate law lawyers I mean that you have signed Disney Plus which has nothing to do with the food at a restaurant it's yeah honestly like oh so a woman can be decapitated have signed Disney Plus, which has nothing to do with the food at a restaurant. Honestly, a woman can be decapitated at Universal Studios and it goes to arbitration because she has

peacock. Makes no sense. Yeah, because basically we've all signed. There's three corporations left in the country. And so when I sign up for Hulu, I've probably also signed up for like Budweiser and eight other companies. Well, I think it was Karl Rove. Anyway, there is an amazing, we've talked about it years ago, an amazing documentary, and it's called Hot Coffee. And it begins with that McDonald's case. Oh, right, right, the woman. That spawned the giant push on the phrase frivolous lawsuits with George W. Bush.

So anyway, what that thing details, go watch it, but it details how they've changed everything corporations where you can't get a cell phone unless you agree that if the thing explodes in your ear, you don't go to court, you go to arbitration. And then I think it was Karl Rove who then ensured he went around and got the judges elected because the corporation can pick the judge. And they get judges who have a 99% siding with the corporation of course. Anyway it's disgusting. It's such an eye opener but it's a great documentary. Well speaking of documentaries, why don't we get right into entertainment.

There we go. I was listening. You know I have like playlists on my phone that I backed up so that when I fly you know like on Spotify you can download stuff to your library so you don't need wifi. I download the wire man. When I'm on spirit. Well so on Spotify I found an old band I forgot I listened to Lord Huron have you ever heard of Lord Huron? Oh my god so fucking good. Yeah. So anyway just quick shout out to Lord Huron and then also I'm watching a show called Mr. In-Between which is just a good solid hitman movie out of Australia about a guy who's a hitman but also has a daughter. I won't

spoil it but it's just really really good TV. Good. I'm so excited. I'm about to start season I'm slow doing it but season four which they say is the pinnacle of television. Season four of The Wire. Oh yeah. On my feed all of a sudden, I love season three, on my feed all of a sudden Brian Cranston was being interviewed and he was talking about Breaking Bad. I thought this was fascinating. He goes, he goes, you have to understand, we were sort of like the viewers. We'd get handed our script for the table read each week and we're reading it and that's where we would learn about the twists and plot turns that were happening.

And he goes, so all of a sudden I'm handed this thing where Jesse's girlfriend dies and he's accusing me of poisoning her and I get right in his face. And no, no, he goes and I aim the gun right in his face and get in his face And I'm like you think I could pull this trigger you think I could do this right now That's what you're saying that and he goes and I fucking let him have it and he goes and then the next week I learned I did poison And he goes but what few people know is I am fully in his face screaming at him because I cannot believe you would think I did it.

Then it turns out I did it. That's so great. I tell you, Bryan Cranston is a great interview. I have to say, if I could have anybody on my podcast, he'd be top three. I saw him once on a panel get asked a stupid question from an audience member, and he said, he said, yeah, well, I had sex with your mother. I saw that.

It was great. All right, are we gonna make America Florida? Let's make America Florida. Here we go. Let's Make America Florida. Here we go. This Florida man speeding from deputies in stolen car gets trapped in tennis court fence on Holmes Beach. There we go. It's perfect in Florida. A 24 year old man was arrested, accused of stealing a vehicle, leaving the scene of a hit and run, failing to stop for law enforcement, crashing his vehicle into a fence, and also

faces charges of battery on a person 65 or older and operating a motor vehicle without a valid license. And it all began when the driver was going 80 miles an hour in a 15 mile an hour zone. I'm just surprised the guy with this makeup has a car that goes 80 miles an hour. That's shocking to me. This guy, he is to Florida men. He is a shiny, he is to all Florida men

what Liberace was to Vegas. He just checks all the boxes. It's like he's been listening to our podcast and the way people get competitive about sending in their comic captions, he's competitive about being Florida man this week. And while reading it, I'm like, please be the tennis court at the villages.

Please be the tennis court at the villages. Please tell me who's going 80 in the villages. It has to be. What about Texas? Here we go. This is a perfect story. Make Texas, Florida. I mean, Make Texas, Florida could not be a more perfect category.

Kidnapped ride share driver forced to take man from Texas to Florida. Miguel Hernandez, 23, requested that a ride share service pick him up at a closed gas station near Arlington, Texas. At the pickup site, Hernandez pulled out a gun and the victim heard around being chambered in the firearm. Hernandez then ordered the victim to drive to Florida through multiple states. Hernandez also noticed along the way that the driver had a 9mm gun in the vehicle, which Hernandez took. Hernandez and the driver arrived in Florida Saturday night and on Sunday, which they leave out,

what happened Saturday night? You also left out the passenger's name, which is Pastran Hernandez, who was kidnapped by Miguel Hernandez. Oh, God, you're right. Yeah. Oh my God, it is. These are two Hernandez's?

Yep. Oh, this has to be a screenplay. Hernandez and the driver, Hernandez, arrived in Florida on Saturday night and on Sunday they drove to Miami Beach where Hernandez, I don't know which one, saw a potential second victim. Hernandez ordered the driver to go to a store on Monday to buy supplies for a second kidnapping for ransom. While at the store, the driver escaped from Hernandez, who was later arrested and found with a bag with a loaded gun in it.

And the drive from Arlington all the way there was more than 1,300 miles. Can I give six stars to the driver? He deserves it. Yes. And what do you tip a guy who you're not paying? You gotta give him a little extra, just for gas. And also, at a certain point, do you break the awkward silence with some small talk?

Can you drive for 1300 miles with just a cocked gun in silence? So, married? And also, good luck, two guys named Hernandez, good luck getting the Miami police to jump on this case. Let's go to the bottom of the pile. Other than the gun, do you got any snacks up there, or water, or anything? No? Because I'm starving. We've been driving for 26 hours. All right, let's do.

And also, imagine fighting, not falling asleep the whole time. That's so crazy. Are we going down to this day in history? Let's do this day in history. You got it. Oh wait, no, first I wanna do one international story. Oh, international, back to it, here we go. Renowned British-born crocodile expert Adam Britton

was sentenced Thursday to more than 10 years in jail in Australia over dozens of cases of sexually abusing dogs. Britton, who worked with outlets like the BBC and National Geographic, this guy was a big deal. He pleaded guilty to 56 charges of bestiality and animal cruelty. Now, are those two things sometimes contradictory? Can they coexist?

I think so. They always coexist, right? Well, from what I gather, the bestiality, all those laws are not to protect the animals, they're to protect us. Okay. That's what I think. Yeah, that would make sense.

And so then the chief justice warned the court that the details of the crimes were so grotesque that when they were read aloud, they could cause nervous shock. What? As they were read out, some people rushed out of the room, others watched from the gallery, mouthed insults at Britain or cried.

Britain was sadistic as a child to animals, but I had repressed. This is him saying that he was sadistic as a child to animals. I had repressed it in the last few years. I let it out again. And now I can't stop. I don't want to. Whoa. He wrote in a message on an online chat room that was introduced to the court, which by the way, can we just make a rule that if a kid is cruel to animals,

just force sterilization, just take all sexuality out of this human being because shit's gonna go wrong. I think they should allow him to interact only with crocodiles and see how far he gets. Yes. Yeah, because you don't want to fuck somebody with that skin.

I mean, it's just, it's rough, it's green. There's a tail in the way. How do crocodiles meet with the tail situation? I guess they go belly to belly. You think they do? Probably in the water, right? Listeners, write us in at FittsDogRadio at gmail.com. Let us know how crocodiles and alligators make love to one another. And by the way, people were rushing out of the courtroom, they were getting sick, except the back row of the courtroom where there were a bunch of middle-aged dudes

in furry costumes with blankets in their laps. It was the hottest ticket in town. There were some websites where people were fighting to get to this case. Jesus. All right, here we go. Now we go to this day in history, only now. All right, it's a little dry. I gotta tell you in advance, a little dry. But here we go.

Greg, the first televised Major League Baseball game happened on this day, oh boy, give me the year. In what year? Well, TV has been around since, my mother said that she didn't have, they didn't have their own TV. There was like one person in the neighborhood that had a TV and this would have been in the 19, this would have been 1950. So if TV was that new.

Oh wait, do I have to give you a give or take? Yeah. Give or take 10 years. I'm gonna say in the range of... 1945. Oh you douche, you heard me give you 10 years. You were so off. But it was 1939.

And it was Cincinnati Reds at the Brooklyn Dodgers at Ebbets Field. Huh. I wonder, I'm sure it was a day game, right? I wonder when the first lights. Oh, interesting. Right? Yeah. I remember the last, I remember the first night game

at Wrigley Field. I do know that. Okay, Greg, remember the preppy murder that stunned New York? Yes. Give or take three years. What was that kid's name? What year? I can almost remember his name.

It wasn't Charles. The preppy murderer in New York. I remember because, wait had how many years? Three. I'm gonna guess it was very near me graduating high school. I'm trying to remember if it was before. I graduated high school in 84.

I'm gonna say this happened in, I'll just say 84, because it was either right before or right after. Oh, you got it in the three year window. 1986. Ah, yes. And it was at Dorian's Red Hand. That was the ball on the Upper East Side. That's right. Where all the prep school kids would go.

Yeah. Yeah. Last week, we did the 19th Amendment. That's still in here. OK, give or take give or take three years. The Grease movie soundtrack earned its second number one hit. The Grease Movie. Grease came out in, alright, how many years? I forgot what I just said, but I'm going to give you three years, which a listener pointed

out. It's not a six year window, that's a seven year window that's a seven year window I'm giving you three plus or minus three years I think Greece came out John Travolta was young Olivia Newton John was relevant I'm gonna say that was 70s I'm gonna go 1970 five you don't know what 40% of 12 is but you're Five. You don't know what 40% of 12 is, but you're nailing this. Three years, I gave you 1978. Wow, right on the cusp, right on the bubble. Right on the damn cusp. Let me see if I can find another one with a different, let's see about this date.

Oops, hold on. Here we go. different Let's see about this date Ops hold on here. We go. It's fine to get one crack a toe explodes. You're never gonna get that one oh Transgender athlete Renee Richards barred from the US Open that was in 76 by the way crack a toe was One was crack a toe.? Oh yeah. 1883. You wouldn't have gotten that one. All right, hold on. Okay.

Give or take four years, NFL star Michael Vick pleads guilty to dog fighting case. I'm gonna say 98. 98. No, 2007. Here, I'm going to give you one because you've read the book. Last one. Here it goes.

Lyndon B. Johnson is born. This week in what year? Give or take seven years. Lyndon Johnson was in the Senate. You've read like two books about him, I think. Three. Give or take one book. How many books have you read?

All right, Lyndon Johnson was president, 64, he was probably 44. No, he was old. He was probably 60. So he was born in 1910. Look at you, what did I say? He was born in 1910. Look at you, what did I say? It doesn't even matter what I said, it was under 1908. Nice.

Going out on a high note, look at you, look at you. High note, I started on a high note, it's a high note the whole time. I only missed one, I missed the fucking Michael Vick one. All right, moving on. I think we're now we're going to letters to the editor. Okay, we got something Andy from San Diego said as a loyal listener of every episode since day one

minus the Gubbins one, yeesh. And just finished the last one. I have to think all of your listeners had to be shocked. Biden was considered as having a debate so bad, he had to drop out of the race. After all these years of listening to you two, I am so used to meandering, unconnected thoughts and blatant memory lapses that I didn't even notice

anything was off with Biden. Solid point. All right, I'll give you that. You guys were talking, oh, you guys were talking about the Peter Thiel Christmas party that we went to. Did you notice the juggling tiki torches were from the Charlottesville collection? Denman had to be jealous he wasn't invited.

We missed a low-hanging fruit joke right there. That would have been a good one. Nice, solid work, Andy. Merchandise, don't forget forget the koozie is still available we've got about a quarter of a bag left in Michael's dining room and we're willing to send those off. And then we're settling up pal. Yeah let's settle up and you gotta pay for this fucking stand-up special I just shot. No one said this no one said this but I think it's a tax free that's how I'm gonna treat it. Oh, butch worries. All right.

And that's all, folks. Here we go. Well, this week Phil Donahue passed away. And I think most of our listeners are of the age where they know him and how sort of instrumental he was. But they said, unpretentious US talk show host whose popularity was built on addressing women's issues and also involving the audience. Before there was Jerry Springer, there was Phil Donahue. Donahue died at 88 and he took the talk show format into the audience,

a tactic that paved the way for a small herd of daytime programs. As Oprah Winfrey said in 2018, if it weren't for Phil Donahue, there would never have been an Oprah show. And I thought this was interesting. I just want to read this. He came back in July 2002 on the cable and satellite news channel MSNBC. Although he was the channel's top rated show, he could not compete with Fox News and he had another problem. He was one of the few prominent news people opposed to the Iraq War. An internal memo revealed that Donahue was considered quote a difficult public face for

NBC in a time of war. You mean because they're owned by General Electric, which is the number one weapons manufacturer in the country? Donahue claimed that General Electric, who's a leading war contractor, required that we have two conservative guests for every liberal, and they counted Phil as two liberals. Nice. Oh my God god that's hilarious. It's so funny that I pointed to General Electric. Yeah. NBC I've never trusted for that reason but Phil Donahue was the guy who my

father I think was very influenced by or I don't even know if he was influenced by him but he was often compared to him because Donahue was doing a daytime show where he talked to women about women's issues, like menopause, like husbands cheating, like all kinds of women issues that had never been talked about, abortion. Not getting to the point of a story

until about six or seven minutes in. And my father did a radio show called The Feminine Forum for about 15 years on talk radio in New York. And it was the same thing. It was all listeners calling in, interacting. And so they were often compared to each other. But the best Phil Donahue impression, because nobody does it anymore,

but back in the 80s and 90s, even the aughts, Phil Donahue was so big that that impression, and... Phil Hartman. Oh, Phil Hartman, but Darrell Hammond had the best. Oh wow, okay. Yeah, he used to go down on one knee, and then he'd put the mic in the person's face who was talking, and then he would look down

and to the right as they spoke. Ha ha ha. Perfect. Well, let's cheer up after that little bit, where. Let's cheer up. Here we go with the funnies. Ha ha ha. And so, they were gonna start off

with last week's comic contest. And first of all, thank you. We're back. We took a week off from it. And we got a lot of great submissions. We often tape the show early, so we're going to make a cutoff. It's got to be in by Thursday morning for us to consider it for that week. So try to get them in as soon as you can.

Also, helps me out a lot if you write the caption and then you write your name right underneath it. Then I can cut it and paste it right into the doc. Thank you for your cooperation. All right, so this past week, it's a screaming child on an airplane. There's a man sitting next to the screaming boy and the man looks a little bit shocked, taken aback.

Stuartis is pointing at the boy and she's talking very sternly. And TJ Totus said, you had to say it was Boeing, didn't you? That's not bad. Ray Dvorak. I don't know if she'd be saying that, okay. Dvorak said, I see you're having a rough time.

Would you like a cold beer and a complimentary Sunday Papers koozie? We'll get to you in about two months. Taylor Nelson said, "'This is why we recommend shipping children as checked luggage.'" Ryan Bray said, "'I don't care if it's his first time traveling alone.

Two vodkas every 20 minutes or he's going out that window.'" Put him to sleep. Todd Youngerjig wrote, "'Excuse me, ma'am, can I borrow one of your tits? All right, he'd have to be talking, but okay. Ryan Zimmerman said, it is cheese sauce and pretzel sticks, no pepperoni, why would you tell him that you fuckhead?

Oh. I like any punchline with fuckhead in it. Brian Woodhouse, Stuartus whispers, if you want to join the Mile High Club shut that kid up. Would have been better if it was shut your father up. Yeah. John says, the Stuartus says, if he keeps kicking the seat we will continue shocking him. Not bad. All right. That's it. keeps kicking the seat, we will continue shocking him. Not bad.

Alright, that's it. Oh boy, okay. None of them were laugh out loud, I gotta say. Um, I liked, uh, borrow one of your tits is good. Uh, sure, why don't we go with that one? That was Todd. Okay, Todd Jorgen-Jorgen. You win!

Congratulations! You just got yourself a koozie, although I'm a little concerned that Todd Jorgenkirg is in Scandinavia and the shipping is going to put us under for the week. I also don't know if it's difficult keeping a beer cold in Scandinavia. They may not need a koozie. True. Good point. Maybe he just wants an honorable mention.

Save us the money on shipping. Next week we got a comic strip from our good friend. Greg, should I mention, we were thinking of, our schedules are so crazy. Are we on next week? Next week we are not on. We have to take the week off. I am going to be in Austin recording podcasts for other people. I'm doing Joe Rogan.

I'm doing your mom's house. I'm doing Kill Tony. I'm doing Shane Gillis's podcast, and then I'm flying to Denver, and so I'm not gonna have time. And then you're dropping your daughter off at college. Northeastern, then I'm going to Nova Scotia. We'll talk about it all when we get back, but these people now have a week and a half to work on this.

Yes, and here's what you're gonna work on. It is Bob Eckstein, who's a friend of the show, a friend of mine. I've got some of his artwork hanging on my wall, or I did when I had my office. He's a New Yorker cartoonist who's very talented. He's done many books. And here is a strip, or a frame.

It's Ronald McDonald in bed, under the covers, smoking a cigarette, and he is next to, is that Burger King? Of course it's the Burger King. It's the Burger King. And I think Burger King's got a cigarette in his hand too. So they look like they've- McDonald's smoking it, yeah.

The King has a cigarette in his hand, yes. Yeah, so they're both under the covers, they're looking straight ahead. And who knows what just happened? That's up to you guys to figure out. Bill Beatty wrote in, no easy way to think of Calvin and Hobbes is like the comic sections Christopher Nolan movies. Some say Chris Nolan makes blockbusters

for people who say they don't like blockbusters. Calvin and Hobbes are Sunday funnies for people who say they don't like Sunday funnies. That is quite a stretch in that. That's the only way you're defining a Chris Nolan movie. How about Chris Nolan makes movies that are complex and Hard to figure out sometimes but You can figure them out if you put some effort in.

Okay. I do not view Calvin and Hobbes that way. Fair enough. Let's start out with a little bit of Hagar the horrible. Hagar comes in, Helga's in bed, the moon is in the window, and she says, I told you never come home this late at night. And he goes, I forgot. And then he leaves and says, I'll be back in the morning.

Ha ha! There you go, Helga. First woman that ever successfully turned him away from the bed. That's right. And then I have another one I threw in. They're at the bar. There's a bunch of people sitting at the bar.

And then you've got a woman dragging a man out by his hair and the sign says the management assumes no responsibility for lost items or lost marriages. I just like that there's a little, they're flipping the switch a little bit, flipping the script and there's a man, a woman dragging a man out of the bar by the hair. Yes. Now, how do you read that? That's not her husband that she's angry at? That's like a guy. Yeah, it's her husband. Oh yeah, yeah, okay, good. Yeah. What is this, a Calvin and Hobbes for you? You can't get it? I know, and it's too simple. It's right in front of my face. Okay, Lockhorns. We got Leroy is on the train. He's got his phone to his ear, but there's a sign behind him on the wall

that says no cell phones, and the conductor looks angry, and Leroy says, it's my wife, so I'm not talking, I'm just listening. Not even listening, really. And then we've got one where they're setting the table, and Leroy says to Loretta, do the Rolade's go to the left or the right side of the plate? It's a good one.

And then there's another one where there's a rowing machine and Loretta says to her friend, I tried to get Leroy to use it, but he mutinied. Tough to hang a punchline on the word mutinied, but I think she kind of gets away with it. Man overboard. Tough to hang a punchline on the word mutiny, but I think she kind of gets away with it. Man overboard. And then he says to the bartender, if one picture is worth a thousand words, I have a very picturesque marriage. Okay, here we go.

Number nine. Oh, thank God that John and Odie aren't in this one. Number nine of the top 10 best Garfields ever. Six frames, this is a blind read, I've not seen this. Garfield is in frame one with a, can I call it a chest sheer smile on? There you go. And there's a pink frosted donut.

So, do I have this right? Does Garfield like donuts? Have I gathered that over my lifetime? Garfield likes spaghetti and donuts. Oh, you're right about spaghetti. Love spaghetti. Okay. So I guess I read left, right, left right there's six panels stacked two two two sorry Then all of a sudden there's an angel donut over his shoulder and it says don't eat that poor defenseless donut and then the next frame the Devil donut I guess you would call it appears over the other shoulder Don't listen to him chow down pal and in the next frame the angel donut tucks again do what is

right do what's in your heart and then it cuts to a frustrated sullen looking Garfield looking down at the frosted donut and both donuts are just over his shoulders and then you cut to the last frame and guess what it looks like Garfield ate all three donuts. That's not bad. I like that. No it's good. It's a little dark. It's good for children. Yeah it is. It's a well cats eat living things kids see their cat bring dead birds to the doorstep. They eat mice By the way, we got a dead rat under our house My wife thinks there's a smell that we had once or twice before and it's always because there's a dead rat under the house Well, you handle the dead squirrel. So well, just do the same thing will you handle the dead squirrel so well? Just do the same thing.

Yeah. Let's close it out with a little blondie, Dagwood slouched on the chair, reading the newspaper while his gorgeous wife sits not 12 inches away with her back to him, and she's doing a magazine, looks like she's doing like a Sudoku or something, and she says, I read an article about how the sound

of your spouse's voice can have a calming effect. And then she goes, and how it can make your spouse listen more closely because it's so soothing. And the third frame, Dagwood falls asleep on his wife talking. And she goes, I'll bet if I were talking to his stomach he'd still be awake. How about, is she not talking to your cock?

When you hear her, by the way, have you ever heard Blondie's voice? Yeah, and when you do it, it's sexy. I know. I just can't understand how you fall asleep on this woman. She's talking directly to you. She's talking about connecting in a marriage, male-female relationships, and this guy falls asleep. She could divorce him and all she has to do is show the last ten comic strips of their

life and no judge would give her less than the house and all the money. Rest her case, easily. Yep. Well listen Mike, rest your case with Mint Mobile where you can get yourself three months at $15 a month. Just go to mintmobile.com slash papers and also game time, $20 off your first purchase.

Go to the app, create an account, use CodePapers, and you're off and running. Perfecto. Once again, please check out You Know Me on my YouTube page in two days. Download it, comment. I'd love your comments. Put them up there,

and thank you for your support in advance love it can't wait to see it man all right thanks buddy I'll see you in a few weeks yeah good luck out there good luck in some coffee oh yeah I need another one or just keep hitting that Starbucks drink behind the machine yep it's gonna be my be my little spot for it. I love it. All righty. Take it-ish, everybody.

Take it-ish. Buh-bye's. ["SUNDAY PAPERS"] Sunday papers, Sunday papers. Greg and Mike.