Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 230 9/8/24

Episode Date: September 8, 2024

We’re back! Some thoughts on this week’s debate, Zac Brown dumps his wife of 9 days, Elton John talks about doing blow with John Lennon and a Florida man attacks a police dog.

Sunday papers. Sunday papers. Sunday papers. Sometimes, maybe we could do some shows. Read all about it! Read all about it. Back after a week off. It's Sunday papers. Look at us. Here's to your credit.

Look at this hotel coffee. Hotel. Mike Gibbons in a hotel in his hometown. What's sweeter than that? There's something really magic about being in a hotel in the city you live in. No, I shouldn't say this out loud, but I don't think Netflix listens to our podcast. I'm local, but Netflix, this is why Netflix is also broke. They're like, they treat the talent and everybody so well.

So we're nominated for an Emmy and the Emmy Awards, the Emmy Awards take place over four nights or three, but there's a, the there's the early weekend. And I've been here before for karaoke. But some of the big awards are on this weekend. But they're called the creative Emmys. I don't know why. But Saturday and Sunday this weekend.

And then next weekend is the Emmys that everyone will watch at home. And then they'll air this one next weekend also on Hulu, I think, or FX. So anyway, that's why we're here. But Netflix then goes, hey, everybody, thank you so much. Netflix takes the Emmys very seriously. And so they go, so with your Emmy nomination

comes Hotel for Two Nights at the JW Marriott, which is right above the awards here across from the old Staples Center. And you get a flight, a premium economy flight round trip, and you get four Ubers to take you to and from and all this stuff. And I was like, and meanwhile, that's only for out of town people. And I was like, sure, yeah, great. And then I decided, let me see how much I can push it. And all this past week, I was in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. I'm like, yeah, fly me in from Halifax, Nova Scotia. And I was totally, totally waiting to be like,

we see your home address is in Santa Monica. And they're like, you got it. And then I go, and then fly me back to Nashville a week Monica. And they're like, you got it. And then I go, and then fly me back to Nashville a week later. And they're like, okay. No. Yeah. Sweet.

Yeah, it's always good to take advantage of that. And also when they fly you, well, you didn't get business class, but it's still. No, I didn't. Still good. But I will say, I did need, I was out of town. I wasn't here. So it's not like I lied.

And I did, I was going. Wait, so you're not explaining why you're nominated for an Emmy. Tell the people so they can know. Oh, right, right, right. So the roast, the Tom Brady roast, it happened at the end of the window. That's why there's usually, it's like a year later, here you are, like everyone usually

when you watch the Emmys you're like, oh yeah, that was this year, you know, it's like a year ago or more sometimes. So if you win, who accepts? Who goes on stage? Well, I just saw on the TV behind me, I just saw Michigan getting killed and they interviewed Tom Brady.

And Tom Brady's in Cleveland because his job starts tomorrow announcing for the NFL. Oh, for Fox, right. Dallas at Cleveland. And so it won't be Tom. I don't know. I don't know who's showing up, to tell you the truth. I do know Jeff Ross is there, so maybe it's Jeff.

Could be Jeff. Jeff's, you know, look, he's the roast master. He's very good at these things. You know, look, he's he's the roast master. He's very good at these things. I just sent him a joke that was written by Geron Horton, who was a great joke writer for us, staff writer on the on the roast. And one of the jokes we wrote that like because Jeff will probably do red carpet and stuff, I can't do this in his acceptance speech if he's the one. And if we win. But the joke was,

we deserve an Emmy just for getting Kim Kardashian to show up for a white athlete. I love that one. That's good. All right, so how was Nova Scotia? It was good. I'll just finish by saying, last time when I won an Emmy, there was zero false modesty. It was a group of us for Carpool Karaoke, the primetime special. We all knew, I mean knew to our bones that

we were going to lose because we were up against Beyonce's Lemonade. Also, no one really knew what Carpool Karaoke kind of like, it was just getting its footing. So we were drinking, you can bring drinks to your seats. We were drinking totally unprepared. And they called our name. It was shocking. And then when you win, you're shuttled offstage, which you see on TV.

You're shuttled offstage. And then there's huge press, like right backstage. So immediately, you're kind of like in this press conference scenario. And they're like, what should we do with you? And Ben Winston, who did give the acceptance speech, the EP of the recording show, he then, like we had no idea what to say.

So at one point with the press, he's like, Gibby, do you have anything, anyone we need to thank? Or anything? And I'm like, I guess, and I literally literally go I guess we should thank the Asians for karaoke and he's like okay we're done we're done and I was never asked again for my thoughts that's hilarious yeah so where is the script I guess there it is. Nova Scotia was amazing. Well, first of all, we both have had a sort of wild lives all over the map. I crazy and last night, I've been away for

it'll be a month by the end of next week. I'll have been home for three days in an entire month as of the end of next week. And yeah, it's been hard because I just bought my Mustang and I literally bought it three days before I went away and it's just been sitting there, not being driven, getting dirty, probably getting scratched up. Yeah. Your previous, you didn't really mind it that much. No, that was fine. Exactly. But no, I can't I'm going to get home on Monday and throw a move on the wife, get shut down, try again on Tuesday, and then get access and then I'll leave town again

on Thursday. Get her in that Mustang, man. Get her juices. Oh, I'll get a hand job in the Mustang for sure. At least from yourself. In the backseat. Did you find your grandmother's home? Wasn't that the mission of this trip? We did. We did. Well, I, and then I, I went on like one of those geo location nerds. I went on Google Earth and I had found it before we went. And so, it was great. Nova Scotia's a pretty amazing place. Now, I bet some listener will call

in with a correction. It is wild. So, it's very much like Scotland, which I know now sounds like the stupidest thing I've ever said. It's called Nova Scotia, but it's it has highlands. We stayed at one of North America's North America's only whiskey distillery, which is also an inn. And that was in this highlands area. And and the coast is just absolutely rough and and wild and amazing. So. The Sc Scott settled there, but the Scots didn't settle there because they're like, Hey, we're looking for a place that looks

like home. Well, I actually heard the history of the island. And, you know, of course, there's shameful stuff of displacing, you know, the natives and all that stuff. But and also like England trying to get a stronghold and trying to beat the French to settling there and all that stuff. But, and also like England trying to get a stronghold and trying to beat the French to settling there and all that stuff. But it is wild, like New England, you know, I went to school at a high school called Berkshire

in the Berkshires. It looks like England, it's amazing. And Scotland looks exactly, Nova Scotia looks exactly like Scotland. And am I missing something like that's a coincidence? Maybe the plates separated and they actually used to be connected. I think now it's the closest part. Right, right. I think the plate separated. It's just like

separated. It's just like Asia and and Africa used to be connected. I mean, if the boat went to Florida, Florida would be called New England, we'd be doing jokes about New England man. Yeah, and but it wouldn't be the same at all. It would be they'd all be they'd probably die. Maybe they did do that. And they all died of sun exposure. Wait, so your grandmother's house is it still standing or you found the site where it was?

Well, I went up there when I was in like seventh grade, my dad hadn't been since before that. So I stayed in the house that was there. And I think that is the house she was she came to America 100 years ago. Exactly 100 years ago, she came to America 100 years ago. Exactly 100 years ago. She came in 1924. So she was living there. I forget how young she was, probably late teens.

And she moved to Boston. But it's the same house, I believe, on this farm. Oh, why did you stay there? Like, was it a guesthouse I believe, on this farm. Oh. Why did you stay there? Like, was it a guest house? No, her sister stayed. So a lot of these immigrant stories is the oldest sister, the parents died, her mother died young, parents died, oldest sister, Agnes.

Agnes then had a gentleman caller who was interested, and then the writing is on the wall, like you bitches gotta get out, the other sisters. Yeah, yeah. And then my grandmother didn't talk to Agnes for 50 years. Wow. I know. So when I went up there, that was the trip.

I didn't realize any of this. My dad just told me that. I remember my grandmother left home, you know, probably, you know, as a teenager, came to America from from Ireland. And you know, there was no like phone calls back home. I think there was like letters once in a while. And so she was in America for about 50 years. And then when she got older, my mother took her parents back to Ireland and they got to this fucking stone house that had had 12 kids in it. And they walk up and like you said, the oldest sister usually stayed behind and everybody else left.

The older sister was your social security. She was your old age plan. she would take care of you. And so the older sister was there. My grandmother hadn't seen her in 50 years and she walks up to the front door knocks the door opens they look at each other for the first time. And the sister said tis you and my said, tis you? And my grandmother went, tis. And then punched her right in the cunt? No, no, Jesus.

No hug, nothing. My mother was like, it was the craziest moment. And then they just came in and had tea. Tis tea, tis. Tis. Tis still a c tears yeah well that's cool man that sounds like a great trip and then I said Boston and also I dropped Libby off in Boston right it's great to be back in Boston right but one cool funny story about very quick having nothing to do with anything. I'm going through the

security, the most Boston ruddy faced overweight craziest Boston accent, which I can't even do. And he's there and I go up and usually all I do is I point toward my hip. They all know what that means. And they go, okay, yeah, you're going to go to the one where the thing moves around you like in the giant phone booth, because you'll just go off on the metal detector and all that, and it's much easier. So that's all you usually do. And also keep in mind,

there's kind of like a bit of a privacy issue, like especially, I imagine, I don't give a shit, but like an older woman, you know, it's like, don't yell to everybody that I have a hit, you know what I mean? Like, that's my business. I'm gonna go over there now. Who knows what parts you have in you, right? So anyway, I go to the guy and he's

sitting there and it's packed. It's crazy. It's very crowded. And like point to my hip and he's like, Oh, all right. We could try it anyway. And I'm like, all right. And he's like, and he goes, just one hip? And I'm like, actually, it's like, actually it's two. He's like, two! Ha ha ha ha ha! He started dying laughing. And he goes, ha ha ha, no man, you can't do this.

You gotta go over there. Ha ha ha ha ha! Well, I told you I got to Logan Airport one time and they are not Uber friendly at Logan. It's like, you know, the taxi commission is a union and they're in the pockets of the city. So they fuck you if you want to take Uber. So I show up and I know signs and you literally have to walk past baggage down a hallway, up an escalator, across a bridge, down an elevator to a parking lot and then walk across it.

So I walk out, I don't know any of this, so I walk out of the baggage to the curb and I make the mistake of asking a cop. I go, can you tell me where the Uber is? And he just turns around, he looks at me and he goes, turn around, look at the sign, follow that, okay? Yeah. And I was like, welcome to Boston. The baggage carousel tour, we used one of those IKEA bags, we're taking Olivia to Northeastern and it like tore it.

And the guy goes, Oh, go up any torn bags. You know, if the carousel did it, they're responsible, just go up. There's an office. So we go to the office. So we go in and like, uh, and we're like, Oh, we told you, you know, the carousel tour, the bag we were told is like, yeah, honey, that's not a bag. That's not a suitcase. And Olivia was just like, what the, I were told, yeah, honey, that's not a bag. That's not a suitcase. And Olivia was just like, what the, I'm like, Oh, Olivia, welcome to your next four years. This is the unfriendliest city in America. The unfriendliest city in America. Now we got to, uh, I stayed at Mary Fitzgerald's house, uh, for the night in Boston. She was

so bummed that she missed you. I know that you guys like didn't sync up somehow, but she thought she, she was convinced she had COVID. Yeah. What she probably didn't tell you guys. She didn't say a word about that. And so we get there. And then there was this we're in Dorchester. And we get there. And she's like, my brothers are down at the park. It's called Walsh Park. And it's where we grew up. We used to play football, basketball, sleigh riding, drinking beers.

So it was the park is about to get leveled and turned into something. And it's been like this staple of the neighborhood forever. So we go down to the park and there's like a hundred dudes and they all got the same like buzzed haircut, the golf shirt and like just red faced and a hundred guys that are all extroverts, all a type dudes, they shake your hand. How you doing pal? Good to see and then

they're pointing at somebody else. Hey, wash you out, catch up to like just fucking amazing personalities. And yeah, but we pull up. And of course, there's no parking. So we find a spot that's like it's like seven eighths of a spot and the bumper was just leaning into a driveway that was about 12 feet wide and a woman comes out and she goes, you can't park there. You can hang it over my driveway. My son and my son-in-law are coming home.

How are they going to get in? And she said the son and the son-in-law as an intimidation thing, you know? And Mary Fitzgerald, to her credit, the old Mary would have been in this woman's face and screaming, Mary just went, okay, sweetheart. And we just moved the car. And so we go up to Maine, it was Mary 60th birthday, happy birthday, Mary. Yes. And, and we go up and she's

got two sisters and three brothers, and they're all up there. And there's a bunch of people from our neighborhood. And then all of our friends from our neighborhood, Tom O'Neill is there, the Dunskys are there, the Malloy's are there. Kim Stevens, Carla Stevens. And so it was just a riotous group. This house had 10 bedrooms with big sweeping porches looking over the ocean, completely modernized. And the best part was in the in the ground floor, there was a bunch of bookshelves. And you pull the side of one of the

bookshelves and it opens up and it's a fucking speakeasy. It's got a bar, a poker table, a record player, it's plush. The house was insane. What's the nearest city? York. Oh, so just just below like a gunk quit and wells. Sure. And so and we went in the ocean. It was fucking freezing, but everybody went in the ocean. And, and then there might be the warmest time of year. Yeah, I think it is stream. Yeah. And then we're playing charades and her brother Timmy, who is the dude who's just, you know, the vein is popping on the side of the head

the entire time. He's permanently flexed with tension and we're playing charade, running charades. And the clue was, or the answer was like, I can't remember what it is, but the clue he's giving is awful. It just doesn't make any, it was a Killers of the Flower Moon, is that what it was called? Sure, yes.

And so he's going, he's pointing, he's trying to, he's stabbing, he's shooting, nobody's getting it. And then eventually he just leans forward and he starts poking his finger into his forehead, like hard enough to cause a bruise over and over. And we're going head, forehead, brain, skull. No, he goes, think, think. It had nothing to do with Killers Files.

He was miming think. I literally thought he was doing the dot on Asian Indians. When I realized he was doing Think as a mime, Malloy was in our team. I physically fell off the couch and was doubled over, and I couldn't play the rest of the round. I could not stop laughing. It was so perfect.

The guy, think, what are you crazy? Makes the circle around his ear like all the wrong, like it's sending you off the scent. Oh my God. But it was just so much booze. And I imagine. Yeah, it was just, I was only there for like two days because I had to fly out to Austin,

but I gave a speech. I roasted the shit out of the family in the speech. Oh, that's great. Kinda killed. Oh, good. And Mary made a beautiful speech. Diane made a great speech. It was really, it was really nice.

Just such a great family. The Fitzgeralds are amazing. I can't believe I was in that region of the country and and then but I was up in Canada. So I missed it. But I mean, yeah, Nova Scotia is very close to Maine. I mean, there's a ferry. Yeah, well, it's also it's about six, about a six hour drive from Nova Scotia to where they were. They're southern Maine. And then so I finished so we do do, we were at the party.

I'm out till two in the morning and then I had to wake up at five. I slept for three hours. I took an Uber from Maine to Logan airport, which was two hours. Jesus. I got a guy who won't stop talking the entire way. I was planning on sleeping. I get on my flight. I land in Austin, I got to go do a guy's podcast. And then I get to and then I get downtown and I do two shows at the mothership last night. And the second show, I was fucking done. I had nothing left in the tank. And then you can't even relax today because we got this goddamn thing. I got the rest of the day. One thing I'll say about Boston, so I'll probably talk more about it next week. But the move in, Boston can't handle this move in.

This influx of a quarter million students. Quarter of a million, yeah. And you know, Starro Drive, all of them, they go on there with their U-Hauls, and they're warned to death not to. There's all these funny videos. And there's literally a verb for it. It's called the starroing, where they get caught under the bridges

or they smash into them because the you hauls the truck. Yeah, yeah, that exact spot. Right. Yeah. And so they all there's really funny videos on it. But it's like Boston couldn't even handle cars like you're saying it's like, I mean, I think they were like, wait, what what are these horseless carriages do? Are you fucking kidding me? Like, wait, what? And it's like, and yeah, and you know, the street has to be wide enough for parking. You gotta park them.

Like, we can't handle this. And then they can't even handle that. It's the craziest. It literally was a city built for horses. And then all of a sudden, what's this air bus you're talking about? Forget it. And that's why it's like,

well, where are we gonna put the air buses? And that's why Logan Airport is the greatest afterthought ever. It's not convenient. You need tunnels to get to it. It's terrible. Yeah, it's an awful airport. It's really my least favorite airport in the country.

It's terrible. Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot. I just wanna tell you one of the jokes I said. Mary went to Wellesley and she had these friends. And I said, you know, when I was in, I went to BU and she was at Wellesley and we met through her boyfriend and I immediately fell in love with Mary. I was like, we're going to be friends the rest of our life. So I used to go to parties at Wellesley and all of her friends were like, you know, new wave haircuts and cool clothes and they're

listening to the Smiths and all this music I never heard. They're all super hot. And I was like, Mary, this is a gold mine. And she's like, they're all lesbians. And I go, even Schroeder? And she goes, especially Schroeder. And Schroeder was there. And I said that in my, in my test.

Oh, that's great. And Schroeder was there and I said that in my test. Yeah, of course. That's great. So I got my, I should bet we didn't, we weren't here last week. Sorry we missed you guys. We put up the first episode ever. Tons of people wrote in that they really enjoyed it and it was a walk down memory lane. It was a very weird moment in time because COVID was literally coming out on our first episode.

And then my special is out currently has 250,000 views, which is like so far beyond where we thought we would be right now. But I got to think Sophie commented on it somewhere. I believe she asked me, she's like, can I comment on it? Oh my God. I'm so my me. She's like, can I comment on it? Oh my God. My daughter was horrified by the special. You know, who wants to hear about their parents having sex ever in any way?

Sophie didn't. She checked out right at the end. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's what she commented on. Yeah, OK. She's like, I can't hear about Erin like that. No, there's 2,500 comments. I've been trying to get through as many as I can,

but I'm so far behind. Good for you, man. Congratulations. Thank you. And I'm really proud of the special. The comments have been like 99.8% positive. People are saying this is the best special they've heard in five years and blah, blah, blah.

It just felt amazing. It's not the numbers or I obviously will lose, I'm losing a ton of money on this special, but I just needed to put it out. But I gotta thank that Ari Shafir has been unbelievable. He texts me twice a day like, dude, you gotta move this to here and the donations tab should be over there.

And he leading up to it, he told me everything about sizing the thumbnails on the videos. Like he's been amazing. And then obviously like Joe Rogan having me on and Corolla and Shane Gillis. Oh dude, that's great. Kill Tony comes out tomorrow. Um, uh, Tom Segura, Mark Marin, David Cross, like just goes on and on. All these people, Jay Olkerson, and then all the comics that I asked to shout it out that got on social media and said hey my friends specials out will you watch it was just it was

like such a fucking swelling of support I was very touched by it. Oh dude good for you, you deserve it. Thanks man did. Did you watch it? Yes, of course. Well, I also gave you tons of notes on one of the early iterations. Oh, right, right. That's right. Come on now. I still have the pages in my notebook. The funny thing is that in a notebook, I really should have the pages, but I didn't plan on talking about this, but they're in my apartment. And I'll look down and I'll just be like, what the hell was I doing here? And it was like, don't write about fucking your wife here, write about that. And I'm like, what?

I go, what? And you know, I didn't put a label like Greg's special notes. Like I'm like, what was I talking about? That's hilarious. Yeah. All right, we're 26, 27 minutes in. Let's get to the logo. Jane S, friend of the show, Jane S,

made the cool one from Toy Story. I don't know if it's one or two or three, but there it is, very good. Yeah, it's one of them. Ray Maslanka did a fucking awesome song this week. Thank you, Ray. Thank you, Ray. And don't forget, listen at the end of the episode,

you can hear the whole song, which is worth it. Also, we're still soliciting new songs. We got a few in, but we could definitely use some more corrections. This is from Carol who says, you for the number nine Garfield, you said that he loves spaghetti. While it's true that Garfield loves pretty much all food, including donuts and spaghetti. His famously favorite food is lasagna. Not looking forward to you guys taking a week off, but at least I'll be able to hear the other comedy podcast you're on. How about Mike does a podcast junket to promote your special as well? Yeah, man, why don't you get out there and support me?

Yeah. What do I do? I go on other podcasts? Yeah, go on Craig Kilbourns. Okay, great. This is from Andy who says I'm sure you get a lot of these Ted Lassow is an Apple TV original, not Disney Plus, but I agree. It's gotten sappy as fuck. So I could see the confusion thinking it's Disney. And then Andy said, I guess you thought Jackson Hole was the highest elevation in the country?

No, I didn't say that. Well, this guy sent you some heights. Revelstoke, where's that? I think that's Alaska. I think the highest peak. Oh no, no, he's right. No, no, he's measuring vertical. It was vertical, obviously.

Okay. Because the base of Breckenridge is higher than Jackson Hole's peak, or right around the same height. But I did think it was the tallest vertical in the US. And I see Big Sky, Snowmass, Snowmass is so intermediate. Telluride's that big? I don't know.

The other ones are Canadian. I've skied Telluride's that big? I don't know. The other ones are Canadian. I've skied Telluride and Snowmass. Which ones have you skied? I've skied Whistler, Telluride, Snowmass, Big Sky, all of them except Revelstoke. Damn! Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a life. What a life Mike Gibbons has had. You know, you've traveled everywhere. Well, I got addicted to skiing a little bit. But you've done it all, man. People must be so jealous when they hear what you do every week. We got this guy Tyler said that Dustin Hoffman played the character with autism in Rain Man,

not Tom Cruise. Well, I don't remember saying that wrong, but maybe I did. Taps can be traced back to adaptations of Napoleon's favorite bugle call, Pour Attendre les Feux. And, but seriously, it was so much fun time traveling back to episode one. I popped on episode two, AKA the one where Greg decided to start watching The Wire. And all right, so tour dates coming up. Mother Ship, if you're listening tonight,

September 8th, actually I think it's sold out. Sorry. Temecula, next, no, September 21st at the Montserrat Winery. I'll be in Alaska in Fairbanks September 25th to the 28th Tulsa October 10th through the 12th then I'll be in Tacoma San Francisco Cleveland Atlanta Janesville, Wisconsin, NIAC Raleigh Milwaukee Vegas Hollywood Pittsburgh go to FitzDawg.com tickets. Also, support for the podcast comes from Game Time. Game Time, before we go to Game Time,

I just wanna say I just Googled it. Number one, Jackson Hole, 4105. Number two, Snowmass, 4030. Three, Big Sky, 4016. Four, Telluride at 38 30. So I would guessing revel stoke is in Alaska and I'm and Whistler is in Canada. So maybe what you're reading is the American mate. No, no, he had American ones higher. He had Telluride and

snowmass and big sky above Jackson. But this all I'm saying is now it is debatable, at the very least. Let's talk about Game Time. Let me call up the Game Time app. I love Game Time. I was going on to see if there were tickets to the Emmys tonight on there.

Here's what's great. You can go to concerts. You can go to sporting events. You can go to comedy shows, plays, everything. I like the discover button, which I always press and talk about because it's like you can see what's going on. It's like, look at this, just in LA, you ready?

We got Lincoln Park, we got Raiders at Chargers, we got the Guardians, what a name, at the Dodgers. We have the USC game, 49ers at Rams, Jelly Roll is tonight, Green Day is coming up next week. It's crazy. And it's like, first of all, it's a great way to just find out what's playing. It's like right there in front of you.

You can see what's coming up. And you know, I just really believe when it comes to spending your money, you can do stupid things like buying a Mustang or you can have real life experiences and I honestly think like there is no joy better than going to see something live sports or whatever and you remember it and it's a moment that you have with friends. So Game Time reminds you to do that.

You see your seat view before you buy it. It's the lowest price guarantee. There's event cancellation protection, job loss protection. You know who's gonna use a lot of the event cancellation? This Oasis tour, I bet. Are you kidding me? Why?

Everyone is, the over under is like, they make it three quarters of a show. Oh, because they fight so much, the Gallagher brothers? Okay. Yeah. They can't get along at all. But you can see the view from your seats which is really cool yes and it's like one tap you don't have to print you don't have to transfer you it's just boom you click it and you got it in your phone you show it at the door it's piece of cake so you don't have to guess you don't have to guess what the final price is gonna be. They show you the all-in price unlike all the other competitors. Yeah. So

anyway, take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Game Time. Download the Game Time app, create an account, and use code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase, terms apply, again create an account and redeem code PAPERS for $20 off. Download Game Time today. What time is it? It's game time. Looks like they changed their little tagline. Look at that one, I thought you did that on your own.

Yeah, fancy, fancy. All right, let's get some crinkly. I got a little paper bag. Oh. Ready? Yep. time for the front page Oh The presidential debate it is it was not gonna happen It's happening

Kamala Harris and Donald Trump will take the stage Tuesday night in the only planned debate between them. Though the Harris and Trump campaigns clashed over debate procedures in recent weeks, both candidates have agreed to the finalized rules. You ready? Microphones will be muted when it's not a candidate's turn to speak.

May I suggest you mute them when both of them speak? Yes. Is it too late to suggest things? candidates turn to speak. May I suggest you mute them when both of them speak. Yes, yes. Too late to suggest things. Can we actually mute them but get some microphones on Melania and Douglas, her husband Douglas. He'll be crying like a little bitch when she gets insulted. And and Melania is going to be muttering in Estonian about how she could have married a Baldwin brother

Yeah, you can hear her eye rolls, yeah, that's what she'll be doing the whole time, okay They're not allowed to give opening statements or there won't be opening statements and then Trump won a coin flip So he'll give the final two minute closing statement. He likes that coin good coin. The coin loves him He won the coin toss. coin, the coin loves him. He won the coin toss. Is that your Trump impression? He's gonna claim he won the debate. That's as deep as you're gonna go into a Trump impression?

No, everyone does it. And I'm hearing myself trying to do Shane Gillis when I'm doing it. Yeah, no, I can see him like, heads, heads I go first, tails you go second. Learn that one as a kid. There's no live audience, which will be very weird when she's laughing like a maniac and there's no audience there. Just the sound of her maniacal laughter. And then meanwhile,

Democratic Governor Tim Walz and Ohio Republican JD Vance, the VPs will battle it out at the debate hosted by CBS on October 1st in New York City. I love this. I love that they think we give a shit. Is anybody voting based on the VP nominee? No, nobody. We don't give a shit. So I had this idea, I think it would

be really fun just to handicap it. Each party gets to pick the other party's nominee. Just just for fun. Like the Republicans would pick like, like Hunter Biden to run for the Democrat. We have to run with him. He's our guy. And then the Democrats would pick J.D. Vance to run for the Republicans. Right. No, that's perfect. Yeah. Well, you know, it's not far off. I remember my first like eye opening experience to like how politics can work and how it's like kind of dirty politics.

But I remember Jesse Jackson was one of one of the first black candidates, definitely in the modern age, and he was gonna run for on the Democratic ticket. He was to go in the primaries and stuff. And he started, he was kind of like everywhere. And I'm like, I remember thinking like, God, he's really high profile. I'm so I wonder like where he's getting all this money. Turns out, Republicans were funding him. They loved that he was in the mix over on the democratic side. Oh, no shit. I should say democrat side. Yes, that he was on the democrat side. It was no shit. I should say Democrat side. Yes. That he was on the Democrat side. It was messing them up.

And it's kind of like what you're saying. Like, yeah, we'll pick someone for you. Here you go. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think they wait, was he, he was a Democratic candidate or he was the, he was the third party candidate. I, I remember it as being Democrat.

Cause I know they've also funded like, uh, I think when Ross Perot ran, I think they felt like he would drain Democratic votes. So they so the Republicans started funding him. Oh, and I'm sure Nader Nader really screwed things up for the Democrats running independent and I bet they funded his campaign for sure. Dickie actually sent me a Twitter thing today. The DNC will be, this is this morning, Saturday morning, the DNC will be flying banners

over multiple college football stadiums today, trolling Trump, including a reminder to Michigan fans that Vance loves Ohio State. All right, let's get to this Florida story. New College of Florida's College of Florida. I never heard of the College of Florida. The library dean was terminated after an internal investigation found she purged thousands of books without following proper procedures.

The college's legal and human sources team informed the Shannon a housing girl that she was terminated for tossing out what she described as moldy and water damaged books, which are public property without consulting college administrators. So miraculously, the oldest books in the library, the Old Testament and Mein Kampf in pristine condition. Yes. And then what she said about the others is, listen, they were moldy, they were damaged, they were trans.

You know, all those old books on trans and gay issues, they were so old. Right, right. Somehow they got wet and moldy. What's this? We got a Florida. We got a lot of Florida today. More Florida and we have a Florida man later which is a perfect Florida man. But I love this story. Body cam footage shows drunk Florida mayor failing field sobriety test. The footage captured the mayor trying to distance herself from her title, telling cops, don't call me the mayor, as she struggled to keep her balance during a field sobriety test after she allegedly ran over a neighbor's mailbox.

Teresa Heitman, the mayor of Naples, that's not a small city, was seen attempting to perform sobriety test Wednesday evening after she was caught driving with a blood alcohol level over twice the legal limit. This is the best part. A man is heard telling 911 dispatchers over the phone, I think the mayor is drunk and she just literally, oh, she just ran over our mailbox. You know, she's actually the opposite of people that like flex their power when they're drunk. You know, like it's sort of a little like the, I'm the captain now type thing or whatever.

And it's like, she's like, don't call me by my title. Yeah. Do you know who I am? Good. Don't tell anybody. Yeah. Now it's a meanwhile. I mean, Marion Barry was like a mailbox. Big fucking deal. I smoke crack with a prostitute on camera and I got reelected. Don't sweat it. You're fine. That was unbelievable. Wasn't that in? Remember Chris Rock's line about it? What was it?

He's like you can't know what it is. You can't do the normal job You can't get caught smoking if you get caught smoking a crack at Wendy's you don't get your you keep your job at Wendy's Well, I mean the same is true where if you're convicted of a felony, you can't work a lot of jobs as well. Jeremy Jackson. Oh, this is you. Jeremy Jackson, the actor who played Hasselhoff's son on Baywatch admits he smelled female co-stars dirty swimsuits when they weren't around. Yes, he did. Going through puberty on Baywatch was painful, Jackson, who's now 43, said. I was too young to hook up with the chicks, but old enough to want to.

Jackson joined the show when he was only 10 and spent his entire teenage years on set alongside, get this, bombshells like Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, Yasmine Bleefe, Donna Diarico, and Nicole Eggert. That's the Mount Rushmore of hot in the 80s. And it's not like you're just working with hot actresses. You're working with hot actresses with camel toes at every turn because those Baywatch bathing suits were preposterous. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, look, if I was 14, 15 years old, I would

have had those swimsuits wrapped around my face. Like I was in Al Qaeda. I would have been bumping into walls, just huffing that shit. The only part of the story I don't get is him telling somebody about this. Yeah. I mean, crazy. Um, all right. Here's the thing though. Yes. He was, he was sniffing and licking Pam Anderson's pustule. He was also getting a tongue full of Tommy Lee's cum shot that was drooling out

from the night before. I mean, just know what you're getting into, kid. Oh, Jesus. So, the... I can't imagine being 14 and spending every day like that. And I was wondering if it messed him up. Next paragraph in the story. He started abusing drugs during his final year on the show and eventually became addicted to crystal meth. He started abusing drugs during his final year on the show

and eventually became addicted to crystal meth. That's the huffing. And also you left out the part where he played the son of David Hasselhoff's character. So there's his father figure. Him and Huff, they would have amazing stories if either one of them could remember any of the stories. Exactly.

But that said, it's a gateway drug. When you're Huffing bathing suit crotches, it's a slippery slope. It leads right to crystal meth. It is. All right, we going to entertainment? Let's do some entertainment. All right, what is this? Anna Delvey is forced to wear an ankle monitor. In what way would it affect my performance, the convicted con artist said of wearing the

bracelet while competing. Anna Delvey said she's ready for some fun and a workout after joining the cast of the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Delvey is recognized as the convicted fraudster whose exploits were reported in a New York magazine article. The fake German heiress reportedly conned various Manhattanites into giving her hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash,

goods and services. The story was then dramatized for Netflix's Inventing Anna. So quote, when asked what prompted her to join ABC's reality dancing competition, Delvey admitted she was persuaded to join and then was granted permission from the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

She was released from prison in 2021 after serving four years, but has since been on a house arrest while fighting her deportation case. Geez. Dancing with the stars, more like limping with the stars. They should give her another one just so she can click them. Like shouldn't she incorporate that in her little routine?

Yeah, because if she's getting spun around somebody's head, the balance is going to be thrown off. But I mean, look, she's getting spun around somebody's head, the balance is going to be thrown off. But I mean, look, she's a fucking con artist. By the end of this competition, she will be driving Alfonso Ribeiro's Porsche and wearing Kevin Hart's watch. Just watch. You'll see. Also, won't this be confusing to customs because all of a sudden she'll be red like completely missing. They can't find her because if you're on this show, you are nowhere. You are officially nowhere. I can remember when this show first came out. It was such a big deal.

Like it was really good. And it was like the one-legged dancer. Was it who was it? The one-legged dancer. I don't Who was it? The one legged dancer? I don't know, but they also kind of had stars. Was it a Paul McCartney's ex with the one leg? Did she do it? I think she did it.

Wow. Jeff Ross did it. I remember that. And then he got hurt. He just told this story recently. He got hurt. Did he have an eye patch on? Oh, I don't remember that. I think he had an eye patch. So he looked like a dancing pirate. Um, but he got really hurt.

I'm trying to remember. It was like a kind of funny story. I don't remember it, but yes. And he was eliminated the first week, I think. Oh my God. All right. So I saw this Zach Brown's estranged wife says he asked for a divorce nine days after their wedding party and he did so over zoom. I mean, country songs about heartache sure are changing. I'll tell you that. Yeah. She said after he told me that he wanted a divorce or refused to sign a non-disclosure agreement that would have pro that would have broadly prohibited me from ever talking about my life or relationship with Zach for the rest of my life. And after I refused to sign that lifetime NDA, that is when Zach filed for divorce back

in January, and then a couple of weeks later I was fired from my position as executive vice president of his company. She claimed that when Brown used their wedding party video with alterations and without my consent for commercial gain and to attack her integrity, oh that's when she did all that, she said that Brown then sued her for a poem she wrote and asked for an emergency restraining order against her

claiming she was violating a confidentiality clause in her employment agreement with the company. restraining order against her claiming she was violating a confidentiality clause in her employment agreement with the company. Jesus. So she had, so he had, he wanted an NDA on a personal level and then she also had an NDA as an officer of the company. So yeah, and he's claiming maybe the one of the company covered everything. Well, I found the poem. I did a deep dive and I found the poem that she wrote that got her in all

the trouble. Zach is fat. His kids are brat. He's a country music poser. I'm not signing a non-disclosure. And now you can see it's beautiful. It's flowery. It's good meter. But you can see where that would really kind of tick him off a little bit. Well, George and Tammy, they are not. That's what we're learning here. I mean, I'd like a little more artful relationship destruction. I think we'd all appreciate that. Well, I guess the wedding, he used the wedding video in a music video.

And I don't know what he altered, but somehow she she took umbrage about him taking the personal moment in their life and using it for commercial purposes. It's a little fucking weird. And now I want to see the video. I know. All right. All right. This is good. This is good. Alton John reflects in his new documentary on a drug binge with John Lennon that caused him to panic. The Rocket Man singer revealed that he and John once had mountains of coke coming out of their noses in a New York City hotel room at 2 a.m.

John admitted he was being paranoid at the time and even asked, is that the police, when he heard a knock at the door. It took about five minutes to walk across to the peephole and I saw it was Andy Warhol. When John informed Lenin it was Warhol and not the cops, the Imagine singer allegedly wanted to still shoo away the visual artist. They didn't want to let in Warhol because he carried his Polaroid camera everywhere and they

wanted their drug use not to be documented. Lenin reportedly then said like no thanks. That was the fun part of cocaine. This is the fucking coolest night ever. You know, I mean, you just think about these moments like, and I think about my coke stories, like standing in a bathroom stall with Dudley at Father's Two, doing bumps of low grade college coke with a key to a bike lock, you know? Meanwhile though, they go, that was the fun, none of this sounds fun. They're both crazy paranoid, and then Elton John is having like a panic attack,

and I know what the panic attack was about. The panic attack was all of a sudden, he's like, you're right, you're right John, my lyrics are shit. They make no sense. What am I even doing in the same room as you? Crocodile rock? What happened to me? What the fuck is crocodile rock? It's amazing I'm pulling this shit off. Why am I writing love songs to women in all my songs? I'm a homosexual! He has me leaving the penthouse to go back to the farm.

It's the last thing I want. I'm getting more boy tail than a toilet seat up in that penthouse. That's not happening at the farm. All right, speaking of marshes, let's go to Florida. Here we go. I love this. This is a great Florida man. Here's the first few words of the headline. Florida man attacks police dog, threatens deputies. Here we go. Matthew Meade, 38, requested to speak with a sergeant

to quote, make sure law enforcement is on the same page as me to ensure he wouldn't be pulled over for a suspended license. And then I don't even know what this next part means. Meade told the sergeant that the deputies had two seconds to step away from his vehicle before he would fire a bullet through his door. But according to the report, no deputies were there.

Okay, well, you know, maybe he was, he was like, maybe he's doing some coke with Elton John. It sounds like he's imagining the police. Yeah, maybe he would have shot Andy Warhol. Meade made a post on Facebook tagging the sheriff's office saying, it's official, extortion is going to meet bullets. Fuck that driver's license. Warning to pigs, make contact, get shot. On Wednesday evening, deputies attempted to pull over Meade outside his Punta Gorda home, but he wouldn't stop, so they blew out his front tire using stop sticks. A police dog was sent to his vehicle to detain Meade following a series of failed stun gun

attempts. Stun gun won't bring him down, so they send in the dog. And when he began striking the dog with a chair, the report said he grabbed the dog's collar and harness, putting the dog into a headlock. Deputies said Meade refused to release the animal, but then eventually walked the dog towards officials and let him go. The arrest report also revealed Meade's previous run-ins with the law, including threatening more authorities

with statements about having a shootout if a cop showed up or, quote, blowing their faces off in reference to blaming deputies for getting him fired. Meade also fled from deputies and was found to be in possession of marijuana. Marijuana? Are you sure? This sounds like every drug except marijuana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Marijuana people don't get dogs and headlocks. No, I think they should make marijuana legal in Florida just to mellow these

fucking lunatics out a little bit. Yeah. And by the way, what kind of a police dog was this that he got it in a head? What was it? A labradoodle? You know, don't use snuggly dogs as police animals. How embarrassing, how embarrassed is the dog's face as it's in a headlock being walked back to its trainer and fellow like law enforcement. Sorry. Oh my God. Yeah. It's a, I mean the guy, maybe the guy had a lot of charm. Dogs are funny like that though. I've, I see dudes stare down dogs and, and yell at them and vicious fucking dogs like chill out.

And then I'm the opposite. I get scared around dogs. Dennis's old dog. Remember that old lab that he had that beautiful lab? I swear to God, I went up to the paddle tennis courts one day and he was in the court. Oh, no, no, the golden. He had a golden golden. And I got nervous and the thing fucking growled at me.

And Dennis is like, what the fuck the fuck he's like he never does that No, and he would say he does it a crazy people and I'm not making that up really. Yeah Leland did not handle mentally ill which Dennis we won't say what Street lives on but let's say there's no shortage of mentally ill in that part of Venice including Dennis and Leland did not handle that energy well at all, which is good for Leland in a way. Yeah. But it also included you. Maybe Leland could tell how many meds you're on. All right. All right. All right. We're going to make Texas,

Florida. Here we go. Let's do it. Texas, Florida. Texas man Hector Medina admitted he's schemed to extract money from George Santos and other high profile criminal defendants, including that 70s show actor Danny Masterson, in exchange for efforts to get their cases dropped. The 37-year-old, who was arrested in March, sent texts, images, and videos to Santos and others falsely claiming he could arrange for the former congressman's charges to be dropped in exchange for a large sum. If you're interested, I can get everything dropped," he said, and even sent Santos and

others a fake photo ID to be more convincing, and he hoped to use the proceeds of the scam to settle $100,000 in gambling debts. So Medina pleaded guilty on August 19th to wire fraud and identity theft, which ironically are the same charges against Santos that garnered his December, 2023 expulsion from Congress. Yeah, you can't play a player. Don't play a player. Yeah, Santos is like, I know this hustle.

And by the way, what did he offer Danny Masterson? Like, I can make these women, I can make these victims go away. Yeah. How do you get out of multiple rape charges? Now, this is like trying to sell drugs to a drug dealer. Like, these are the guy. The fucking he's the guy. Santos is the king.

I mean, look, this guy, he was a Senate. Was he a senator or a congressman? Senator, I think. Oh, no, no, congressman. Congressman. Congressman. Man, he hung in there for a while. That was, that was a wild ride watching him not get expelled from Congress. And for him not to have any shame about everything. He was consistently caught dead to rights, like just caught in lie after lie and criminal behavior. Yeah, and he was this anti-gay politician who was caught in dresses. He was a fucking cross dresser.

Drag down in Brazil at Carnival. Yeah. All right, little quick sports. Here we go.. Little quick sports. Here we go. Sports. Let's be sports. It's a very busy sports week.

I talked to you before the podcast. You didn't see it. Boy, it's worth going to watch the last play on YouTube of KC Baltimore and Baltimore's, I can call it a touchdown pass. It was a touchdown pass for about 30 seconds, and then the play was reviewed with zero time on the clock. And no, we won't spoil it. For those who haven't seen it, go look at it.

But let's just say a half an inch at most decided the game. I mean, it was crazy. And are people arguing that it was a catch still? No one. I don't play. I don't believe I don't believe anyone is. But and then we have the finals of the US Open, which is women play today, Saturday, men play tomorrow, and both of them have an American in it. And I'm wondering the last time that was the case. Women, women have had Americans in the finals way more than men. We see of, you know, in the last 20 years.

Yeah, I'm trying to think. Yeah, Cocoa Golf, I think won it last year. And of course the sir the Williams sisters yeah Serena sisters sisters and everything also my football pool starts this week I got New Orleans I got Tampa I'm picking bad bad teams because in the first week if you you get knocked out, you can buy your way back in again. So this way, if I pick a bad team, my slate is that much better going into the rest of the season, even though it costs me a little bit of money.

Gotcha. And college football front started last week. We were in a bar, Oh, indoor Chester, that bar I told you about. Dot Chester, the dot. Because Laura was staying down by the seaport and she had one of George's relatives who lives in South Boston, which is hot now. And so we went to the sports bar, which was terrible. Like DJ just, you couldn't even hear a goddamn thing. So anyway, boy, you know, we have my daughters in Michigan, my nieces in Oregon, those two teams did not play well. And Michigan is getting their ass handed to them right now by Texas. And the worst part is, they have Matthew McConaughey

in the big house in Ann Arbor. And he's just he's just he literally looks like he's more over the top than a Styrofoam mascot, you know, that's wearing a big outfit. He's there with his cowboy hat and his leather brown leather jacket and his sunglasses and just, you know, pouring the Texas Act drawl on thick. He's embarrassing. Jesus. Yeah.

Um, yeah, I can't do, I can't do it. I can, I stick to pro sports. I'm not, I can't do the. I can't do it. I stick to pro sports. I can't do the college thing. It's just too much turnover. And Tom Brady, my boyfriend, is not joining me at the Emmys where he could win his first, I think it's his first Emmy tonight because he's in Cleveland. He just, he went to Michigan so they just talked to him during halftime. But he starts his job tomorrow as a Fox announcer. I am going to predict. That he's a bad announcer and that he wins the Emmy.

Those are my two predictions. I like half of that. Maybe I like both of them, but he's you know, he's got to watch the most. And Tony Romo, I thought was great at this and McEnroe. all the greats put themselves aside, you know what I mean? Yes. And it's hard to do because sometimes you'll tell a story that ultimately is self-deprecating or is giving even more credit to the person you're watching, but the problem is it still comes across as you talking about you. You know what I mean? Yep. But Brady is so critical of football today and that it'll be interesting to watch him

try to walk that line. Yeah. Okay. All right, let's cut down to... This day in history? This day in history. Let's do it. ["Pomp and Circumstance"] This day in history. Let's do it.

Okay, I remember seeing a couple here. It's always tricky always tricky. All right, here we go. We got You have read a lot about the French and the revolution and all that but this isn't the French Revolution but of all their their uprisings Paris was attacked by Joan of Arc on this day, in what year French heroin Joan of Arc, a peasant girl who believed she was acting under divine guidance. Those are the worst kind of leaders attempted to oust the Duke of Burgundy and take Paris for newly crowned King Charles the seventh. Give or take 80 years. What year was this?

Um, yes, I've read a lot of French history and Joan of Arc. I'm going to go 1560. 1429. Oh! Your 161 year window I gave you. Damn. You failed it. Okay. Let's see, let me find some interesting ones here. Mark Maguire of the St. Louis Cardinals

broke Roger Maris' 1961 record for the most home runs in regular professional baseball season by hitting his 62nd of the season, and he finished with 70 home runs. Give or take four years. What year did Mark Disgraced, Mark McGuire, pull off this feat? I think I was just out of college. I'm going to go 92. You're not doing well today. 1998. Damn. The psychological thriller Psycho directed by Alfred Hitchcock and based, I didn't know this, on real life serial killer Ed Gein.

Really? I did not know that. It was released in American theaters. It became a classic, especially known for the scene in which Janet Leigh's character is murder-dur-dur in the shower. So give or take five years, I'm going to make it, I would not have given you five, but I'm giving you five now. What year did Psycho come out?

I can't even remember if it was black and white. I don't think it was black and white because there was blood going down the drain when she gets stabbed in the shower. I'm going to say 1966. I love it 1960 and it was black and white I believe. Oh shit. Do you not even have a single win? God damn no I don't have any. Give me another one. I'm gonna give you one with a hundred and fifty give or take. Okay. Hundred and fifty year give or take. Yeah. Michelangelo's The David was unveiled

in the Piazza della Signoria in Florence. Florencia, it's considered a masterpiece. The sculpture is one of the defining works of the Renaissance. Give or take 150 years. What year did that fucking stud appear 1620 you got it 50 you know for now it's the most pathetic win ever okay really sad is I listen to audiobooks every night and I pick the most

boring biographies I can find and I've listened to so much French history, Italian history, I literally listen to a Da Vinci book, a Michelangelo book and I still don't know the fucking year. Last one, Marxist revolutionary Mao Zedong, Mao, who died this, he died on this day in what year? And he was the undisputed Chinese Communist Party leader following the Long March and dominated China in the period after the Communist takeover. Boy, I had to avoid a ton of dates in there, years. So give or take 10 years, when did Mao die?

Mao, I remember, lived a long time. And so I'm gonna say 1972. See, we end on a high note. 1976. Nice. There we go. You're back. All right. All right.

Letters to the editor. Crinkle. Okay, here we go. This is from Brian Rischel. Hey, Greg, thanks for releasing the first Sunday Papers episode again. Crazy to think that was almost five years ago. At the time I was living alone in an apartment, just started a new job, had been dating my girlfriend

for about a year. We're now married, own a home together, and I'm still loving my job. I've listened to every Sunday Papers episode, and I've been a FitzDog listener for a decade. The new special is fantastic, I've watched it twice already. Hopefully you come back to Omaha soon. Okay. Well, that's very nice. You are going to, oh no, you're going to Tulsa.

Yeah, come to Tulsa. Not that far. I was just in Omaha, by the way. No. For what? When I drove Sophie to Michigan. Oh. I wasn't there long. I'd say 21 minutes. I love Omaha, and I love Lincoln. It's a really fun area.

We ate lunch in Lincoln, so that's where we stopped. Yeah, it's a college town. They got all different kinds of restaurants. They got a great theater there. And our old friend Ross Broccoli lives there. And I told you that great story, because you know, Warren Buff Broccoli lives there. And I told you that great story because you know, the Warren Buffett famously lives there, driving his probably shitty Ford or whatever he drives.

One of the richest men in the world. And I remember Ribby, our good friend, his family, his wife, his in-laws are from Omaha. And so he, around Christmas time, sent me this picture and it was the weirdest picture was just like the popcorn stand at a theater. And I'm like, yeah, great. You're going to the movies, you know, on December 22nd, big deal. And he's like, look, idiot. And so one of the guys online, you had to like, you know, weave through these ropes to get up to order your popcorn, there's goddamn Warren Buffett alone standing in line.

Going up to buy his popcorn and undoubtedly his Coca-Cola, which he has been the biggest investor of historically. He apparently drives himself in his little Ford or a Honda or whatever. Not a high-doubt doubt it's a Honda. Drives to work stops at McDonald's on the way to work every day and he buys either an Egg McMuffin or there's like something else he buys and it depends on whether or not his stocks are up that morning.

Right. Yeah. I know. Right. I saw that clip. He's unbelievable. Yeah. I know. Right. I saw that I saw that clip. He's unbelievable. Yeah, I mean, it's like I want my kids to follow his life and go like, you know, because they're both making decent money

like waiting tables, but like, it's too much money. And they just get take out and they eat out and they go to bars and spend money. It's like, you guys don't understand, like you got to learn how to say and that, you know, just not that you won't make more money later, but like, you just got to get in the habit of not spending everything you earn. And it's the day in day out spending to like, that's what he focuses. Yeah, you know, like, I mean, not that he needs to, but

like, it's the principle of it. You know, there's a movie, this is gonna be frustrating for listeners, except the one that might know this. There's some political movie, and I forget what it is, and he's depicted. He's not referred to as Warren Buffett, but I remember our hero. Meanwhile, I'm teaching this writing class at USC again, so now this is how I talk. This hero who has obstacles, one of obstacles is he has is he has to go to this small town and He sits in a the most modest kitchen you've ever seen and it's an old man and an old woman and the woman like puts

Pie down or whatever it is and then leaves and then they're left to talk business, but it was Remarkable What happens is you're not intimidated by Warren Buffett, listen to the stories we just told, but this meeting, which had to be based somewhere in truth, but he's not where he is because he's soft. You know what I mean? He is ruthless in's soft. You know what I mean? Yeah, right. He is ruthless in deal making. Yeah.

And this movie depicted it so well. And I'm forgetting, I can almost remember who played him. But anyway, right in, if you remember this scene that was loosely based, I think, on Warren Buffett and how he had this guy cornered every which way. There was no out negotiating him and it was so impressive, all right. Mike Gibbons is home, it is time to order koozies.

We got a few left in the bag. Go to fitsdog.com, you can find the link and then you just send him $10 through Venmo. Like literally, no shipping and handling, 10 bucks to your door and he's on top of it right now. So get yourself a koozie for the fall. I'll be on top of it this week. I'd say I'm about 10 behind

because I haven't been home for a couple of weeks. That's not bad. Yeah. So a little behind and there's some cartoon winners also. I gotta go dig up their addresses. So they're coming, they're coming. Let's get to the saddest part of the show. The obituaries. The funnies.

No, the obituaries. Okay. And that's all, folks. Well this happened on July 13th, but we didn't cover it. And you know, Greg and I are well away. You've probably met him, Greg. I never met him. No, I wish I had. Yeah.

Richard Simmons, the energetic, frizzy-haired TV personality and fitness coach who made exercise Accessible to millions and then became reclusive in recent years. He died July 13th and you know, we're not gonna go on about him you can look him up and Hopefully there's gonna be a movie about him soon. So you'll learn all about him Well, Pauly sure has been vying for that role for years. I think he even might have shot like a real I think he did. Yeah, of him playing. I mean, he looks like him. He can capture that spirit. Paulie would be amazing. But I think he's I

don't think he was able to make contact with I think Richard Simmons basically passed on the idea. But now that he's gone, maybe Paulie can go ahead and do it. I don't know. I don't know how these things work. Do you have to like buy the rights to somebody's life to do a biopic or can you just do it? I think you should buy them, especially after you're responsible

and you're accused of killing them, which Paulie probably did. Hey buddy, wanna come over for a barbecue, buddy? So Richard Simmons was this incredibly vulnerable, positive, positive, positive, positive. I remember him telling a story or was in his autobiography like that. He was so ashamed of being overweight that he used to shower with a raincoat on, which is a little weird. Don't you want to get wet?

But I never questioned that story. But he used to wear a coat because he couldn't stand the chance of seeing his naked body in the mirror. And then one day, like a Tony Robbins thing, he just decided to turn it around. And then it was almost like a cult following and was so positive,

and the reason we're talking about him today probably is because Howard Stern and David Letterman both latched on to him, because they could be critical and try to sort of take a bit of the air out of his balloon when he was just like nonstop positive, like he could not shake his positivity and boy did they try.

Yeah, and he would flirt with Letterman, which was hilarious. He would tell him he was cute and he would try to touch him and Letterman was constantly pushing his hand off of him. It was classic Letterman. Letterman snapped at him. Look for that. There's a clip on YouTube. Get away from me. It was classic Letterman. Letterman snapped at him. Look for that. There's a clip on YouTube. Get away from me, you freak. It was something like that that made it over the airwaves on CBS, because I think he kept trying to hug Letterman. Yeah.

It's really funny. Yeah, I love that guy. How do you not love that guy? He was the best. I know. I miss him. All right, bunnies. Here we go.

Let's cheer up. Let's cheer up. OK. I miss him. All right, bunnies, here we go. Let's cheer up, let's cheer up. Okay. Two weeks ago, we gave you a comic strip from my friend, Bob Eckstein, who's a New Yorker cartoonist, and he was nice enough to send us some of his original work. If you didn't see it, it's the Burger King

smoking a cigarette under the covers, laying next to Ronald McDonald, who also has a cigarette under the covers, laying next to Ronald McDonald, who also has a cigarette in his mouth. And they look post-coital. I mean, I can't, I don't know. Looks like, you know, that's what you usually do when you have a cigarette and you're in bed with somebody. So, we did get a number of submissions that were similar.

So if yours didn't get in, I just kind of picked the early one and put it in. I might've ignored the ones that came in later because they were redundant. And then some might've come in later. Again, the cutoff for these usually is Thursday before we tape. And Nick Glancy said,

maybe we should have waited for Wendy to get here before we started. I really like that one. Larry Z said corporate espionage takes a turn when the king asked Ronald to show him how the Big Mac special sauce is made. Yeah, a little wordy up top, but I like it. Joel Bianco said, I just wish you wouldn't have mentioned. I just wish you would have mentioned the McWarts.

Oh, would have. Okay. Yes. David Munn said, I know I said have it your way, but I wasn't loving it. That's pretty good. Dallas from Elk Grove, California said, when I said you could have it your way, Ronnie, I didn't know Happy Meals came in that size. Happy Meal Toys.

Toys came, oh, Happy Meal Toys. Sorry, Dallas, I butchered your punchline. Tony McNeil said, now that that's over, let's see if Wendy can make a sandwich. Richard Kennedy said, I didn't mind when you said, I'm going to spread my special sauce between your buns with my whopper, but yelling out you're going to have it my way because I'm the king kind of hurts. Too much.

Too much. Yeah. Thanks. Jeff said, I'm HIV positive. Quit your whining, you burger queen. The Colonel used to eat my ass all the time. Yeah, I was hoping for something more clever than eat my ass, like something like secret, something about the secret ingredients or something.

Yeah. Yeah. Ben Holder says, Ronnie, you know what the crown is? Ronnie, you know, the crown is fused to my head. Could you try not blasting it with your special sauce? We got a lot of special sauces. Yeah. Joe Bank said I asked you to hold the pickle. That's good. I like that. Yeah. Sid talk. Well, at least that was better than the time I ran into the five guys. I like that. Yeah. I love that one. Uh, all right. What do you like? I would say the finals would be, um,

I like the McWarts. I like reports it sounds like Joel may have Rejected the first few things that came to mind and and and went a little deeper. Yeah I Like to have your way, but I wasn't loving it. It's pretty creative. There's this is the best round I feel like it is I'm HIV positive. I like Five Guys. I don't know. Should we make it random? I like Five Guys.

We might have a little recency bias or whatever they call that since it's the last one. Let's go with Five Guys, but listen, honorable mentions all around. Yes, a lot of honorable mentions. And lot like I said a lot of more good that didn't make it in just because we had similar ones so thank you. This week's and you can send in your jokes to FitzDogRadio at gmail.com and do me a favor write the joke and then put your name right under it. That makes it so much easier for me.

This is a gentleman in a suit. He is in a coffin. The bottom half is closed, the top half is open. You can see him. And there's two women and one is pointing to him and she's talking to the other woman. They're both in, you know, appropriate funeral garb. Yeah, this is not a layup. This is not like the Burger King and McDonald. No, you're going to have to go deep on this one.

Well, you have to create this whole, I don't even know what this is. Yep. Well, that's why they're good. Our listeners are good. They're very funny people. All right. Am I doing Garfield now? Well, speaking of funny people, are we only down to number eight? Okay. Garfield is the cat. Garfield is there with another cat who probably everyone knows. Who the hell knows? Anyway, this is a blind read. I have not read this. There's three panels. Who the hell knows? Anyway, this is a blind read. I have not read this. There's three panels.

The first panel, Garfield says, yep. Thinks. Oh yeah, think, thought bubbles. But they hear each other. They're thinking, but they seem to each hear each other. I think they're talking, Greg. Okay. And he goes, yep, I've eaten a lot of vertebrates.

And the little gray cat goes, really? In the second panel, Garfield says, went back in time and ate an archaeopeptrex. The gray cat covers his mouth, eyes giant. Wow. Third panel, Garfield went to the North Pole once and ate a penguin. And the Grey Cat now has a dubious look on his face and goes, hey, wait a minute. And that's what I did. I waited a minute for the fourth panel, which would be a joke.

And it never came, Jim Davis. It never arrived. Do you know how popular this comic strip is? It's, I mean, Garfield is huge. And this is one of the top 10. Oh, it was a goddamn movie. Wow. Ridiculous.

Crazy. It's just ridiculous. All right, well, let's get to the light hearted Hager the horrible and we know why he's horrible. We don't need to get into it. He likes women. He gets to a castle. He's got a big ladder going up into the tower and you can hear a voice from inside saying Hager, how dare you show your face again after raiding and

plundering the castle. And now we see him looking in at a queen whose hair is braided and she's scowling and he goes, my wife wanted you to know that one of your dresses was a big hit at the village ball. You know, the dress I ripped off you last week when I plundered the castle and killed your husband? This is just the kind of lighthearted comics that you want little kids reading in the Sunday paper.

Of course. Look at her. So crazy that that's in the Sunday papers. She looks bigger than he is. Yeah, she looks pretty tough. She's tough. Well, Helga's not a little lady. Let's get to the Lockhorns. Leroy walks in the door, he's got his briefcase, he's drunk, tie is undone, and he says to his

wife, they promoted my intern over me. I want a back from her, right? Yeah, I think sometimes they just kind of set the baseline for where he is in his career. She could have said like that took longer than I thought. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. Or like usually your intern is not much of a promotion. Usually your intern is under you, not over. Oh, now we get another one one where there is a bachelor party. There's posters up that says Steve's bachelor party.

It's a bunch of dudes. They're in some kind of a party room and a clown is popping out of a cake. And Leroy is tapping on his phone and he goes, I better call and see who showed up to my nephew's birthday party. Not a good uncle. No.

And finally, oh, my sweet, sweet love, Blondie, she's making a pie. She's cutting it up right now. Daughter sitting at the table and what appears to be a negligee. They really, they give Blondie a run for the money with that daughter. She is pretty supple herself. Yeah, yeah. She says, mom, what's the secret of having a lifetime love

like you and daddy have? And Blondie says, well, two things. Number one is communication. And then Dagwood walks in and goes, you rang? Hmm, was it the lurch? The daughter goes, amazing, but isn't daddy just reacting to the apple pie? And blinded goes, that's number two. And he's only looking at the pie and he goes, yum.

No, he is a number two. Only literal pies, by the way, with that guy. Right. No hair pies. He, and is that what you meant? Yes, but I wouldn't say it, but go ahead. That's the difference between us. I think that's part of our chemistry.

I just think it's incredible to me that anybody would ask marriage advice from blondie. It's like, hey, how do you live with an alcoholic who beats you? Well, you just cook for him How do you live with a slob who fails at work? Has no muscular activity and sleeps his way through the only time you would have to get never hits on you in bed Well, I bake pies

Yeah, mom, what's your secret for staying with a disinterested cock? Yeah, everyone wants to know secret for staying with a disinterested cuck. Yeah. Everyone wants to know. There's the most beautiful song called I'm baking pies. I'm making pies by Patty Griffin. You know, Patty Griffin? I do, but I don't know the song. Oh, so beautiful. It's about a sad woman who's, who's I think her husband died in the war. Yeah, Greg, I would stay in chat with you, but I got to get to the Emmy Awards. Oh, good luck, my friend. We're all pulling for you. Well, it's weird. It's a weird one. It's on the first weekend. So I guess it'll be there's it's not streaming. Yeah. And anyway, people are hearing this Sunday.

So I'm either a winner or a loser. But we're up against three award shows, which are hearing this Sunday, so I'm either a winner or a loser. But we're up against three award shows, which is so insane. I mean, what, the Oscars win an Emmy? It sounds wrong. So it's the Oscars, the Tonys, the Grammys, and then Usher roller skating for 15 minutes. That's our competition. I mean, we listen last time I was here. Did I say this at the top? I convinced we'd lose. We were up against Beyonce's lemonade. It was carpool karaoke prime time special. This time I'm like, I don't know. I think I'll be a little resentful if just because of the competition. I'm not saying we're Emmy worthy, but the competition is certainly not

Well, I'm trying to think back the Oscar host But Jimmy Kimmel has a lot of friends and this is a popularity contest Oh, yeah, your friends are the ones who vote. Yeah Kimmel. I mean look Kimmel is our Times best Oscar host. I mean Carson was the original one who was great. Billy Crystal was amazing. And I feel like Kimmel has really stepped up and is the guy. So that could be tough. But again, as I said earlier, you guys broke the mold. You did a live show that had killer ratings that launched some people.

And it went long and people still watched to the end, which is a tribute to it. And every other show is a repeat for, that's on it's like 50 something year or more in the Oscars case. And then the halftime show, by the way, those cameras aren't even there for that event. They're all there for the game.

And then some guy throws on roller skates. Meanwhile, if it was Rihanna, the year she did the halftime show, hats off. I don't even think I'd be here. She deserved it. Well, listen, don't be bitter before you even don't win. Just accept. Okay, I'll try.

Good luck. Too late. All right, well, listen, we're gonna remind people, game time, you can get yourself $20 off when you download the app, put in code PAPERS, enjoy it, love it. We wanna remind you to please check out my special. It's at Greg Fitzsimmons Comedy on YouTube.

Leave a comment, that helps out a lot with the, we seem to be in the algorithm. We are just building up numbers. And thank you guys for supporting it. Thank you so much. All right, everybody. It's time to take it each. Let's take it each. I love my Sunday mornings. I get a little tingling from your crinkling Sunday papers. Sunday papers. Sunday papers. Sometimes, maybe we could do some shrooms.

Or maybe a bagel from that place you used to talk about. And then maybe go to the beach. And just kind of hang out, you know? Sunday Papers Sunday Papers Sunday Papers Sunday Papers Sunday Papers