Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 231 9/15/24

Episode Date: September 15, 2024

Taylor Swift just endorsed our podcast! Also, Jewish women have stopped a sex strike, Bon Jovi saves a life, and a dude at Kid Rock’s bar swings his colostomy bag at police.Watch Greg's special "You Know Me" on YouTube! http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMeLOVE it if you would leave a comment and spread the word.

Read all about it! Read all about it! The Sunday Papers podcast about to get started. Reading the news at the crime events. Good for love, bad for common sense. Greg Fitzsimmons and Michael Bivins. The Sunday Papers podcast about to begin. Read all about it!

There he goes, there he goes. Read all about it! We got a new hat, I got a new hat. Hey now. Look at that. What is the hat? Let me see this hat. It's a it's your basic Sam Jackson Kangal type of thing. Not silver. Not silver mesh. No, not maroon. Although I just bought a new jacket today. That's maroon kind of a bomber jacket kind of thing I'm in Chicago actually in Rosemont which is out by Chicago O'Hare Airport and I'm

across from a big fancy mall and I woke up early this morning and I couldn't sleep so I just walked over to the mall but the mall doesn't open till 10 so I sat oh you got a cup of coffee and I mall doesn't open till 10, so I sat, got a cup of coffee and I sat from 9.15 till 10 o'clock for the stores to open. And then I shopped for about an hour and a half. That's how my day started. You looked like the saddest mall walker.

That's right. Who was shut out like, oh wait, are we not walking this Thursday or Friday? But my spleen hurts. Can we do it on Wednesday? Surely Cinnabon must have fired up their ovens by now. I could smell it. They're teasing me.

They got a chain link fence, but they're cooking those fucking buns. Oh my god, I hope they have it on security. They'll probably make a poster of it. I didn't steal anything. Is that, don't tell me that's the last maroon jacket. What else did I buy? I bought some gym clothes.

It was fun, I fucking love malls. Malls are all disappearing and it was good to find one. They are disappearing. I talked to someone about that this week, that back when I was in Neil Postman's class at NYU and he was the American Marshall McLuhan who was just warning everyone, you don't realize how much technologies change us

and society like without the car, no one predicted it would create suburbs. create suburbs suburbs are not a thing without you know all that stuff and no memories once we got movable type and and ways to write and read so anyway one thing is like he challenged the class he's like he's a where are you from I was like you know kid from New Jersey you Michigan you like Indonesia and he's like you really think this is gonna happen in the future with with technology? You're all gonna come from all over the world when we could do this live, you know, like a satellite. What year was this? 1993. So the internet

was like basically still dial-up? No, there was no internet. There was no internet. I mean, obviously I think medical communities had internet. I remember maybe there was internet in 90s, in 94 maybe primitive. Yeah, very primitive. But no smartphones and computers were incredibly primitive. But he's like, you really think that's going to happen?

And he goes, I met my wife online registering at college. That story's over forever. Yeah. And he goes, so we just have to be prepared for him. And then the best part was everyone had the arguments which were being sold at the time of, no, it can bring you together. I can Zoom with my grandmother and he goes, hold on, I just wanna get this straight.

You're saying the technology that enables you to not leave your house is gonna bring us together. And he goes, I just wanna ask all of you that question. Have you asked yourselves that? He goes, it won't. And it was incredible. And like, of course, everyone fighting him on it and stuff. But I think malls are one of the,

and he goes, you know, one of the casualties that you won't see coming because of a new technology. Yeah, wow. Yeah, there was a sense of community. And I was walking through the mall and I was thinking about because as I'd go into each store, there was a manager, assistant manager, salespeople, somebody at the dressing room, and they're all talking and gossiping and laughing. And you really think

about it, like each one of those little stores is its own little world. It's its own social world. It's a job. It's a sense of community. And then the mall is just like, world after world after world, all in these compartments. It's kind of it's kind of amazing. When we were in Nova Scotia was very cool. Like we went to this bar, but it was on the waterfront boarded they do their waterfront great in Halifax. So we're there and they don't have many months where it in Halifax so we're there and they don't have many months where it's viable but so we're there and they're like and then the

chatter happened and it was like basically a restaurant mall like this this this river front and then we're like they're like what are you doing and I'm and we're like oh you know we're flying out tomorrow this and then I think like Kate my niece was like what are you doing it's like oh well I think we're going, hold on. And she like yells over to the other restaurant, like, where are we going after this? And they were all going up to this bar. And it looked like such a communal thing

that Laura and I are like, yep, that's where we're going to. And we went to this bar and it was so much fun. There was one live band was playing when we got there. A new one took the stage. There were sing alongs. It was like this crazy guy dancing, which was amazing. And he had his whole table going apeshit because he's not a good dancer, but he was hammered and he's out there dancing to Oasis. And it was like, that's kind of what you're saying.

Like I bet the mall, they're all talking about where they're going socially afterwards and everything and they're getting each other discounts at all their stores. Are we crazy for not moving to just a cool small town and just having relaxed like all the pressure off and a sense of community and and no agendas nobody cares about your career just get the fuck out of LA. What do you think? I mean, I think it's called retirement. Yeah. And I think you're there. Whoa, hey now.

Well, I'm about to- Far from there, can we transition with that to my standup comedy special? Let's talk about it. Far from retirement. That's the name of your next special. Far from retirement. And so the special and I

got to thank you guys for the support could not have done it without you we just as of this airing it will probably be up to 300,000 views in two weeks. Congratulations. Thank you so much and thank you to Michael O'Brien my publicist and Logan Potter my social media person, and Ari Shaffir, who has been my guru. He calls me every day and gives me advice. He's your Rick Rubin. Thank you to Diana. I won't say her last name. I have a donations tab. Van Furstenberg.

I have a donations tab on the special where people can give. And I ask people, give a couple bucks, two, three, five, whatever. A lot of people give 10, some give 20. Diana just 10 minutes ago gave me $500 for this special. What? Yeah, I mean, I don't want to sound like, you know, I'm on a telethon or something because honestly, I just want you to watch it. If you don't give, that's fine's fine but wow that was generous. How about

this you're embarrassed to do it anyone listening now if you haven't and so many of you I know have enjoyed the show because I read the comments and you comment on YouTube on it also just go right now and give a dollar you'll feel so good about it just takes a dollar yeah dollar. Yeah. And if you're there, you're like, I don't know, that's a long way to go for a dollar. Then make it two. Make it two. If I get a dollar, I actually clear about 50 cents

because of the fees. So make it two or three. That's all. Oh God. And then that way, right now I'd have a million, if everybody gave $3, I would have a million dollars right now. And instead I'm way in the hole. I self-financed this. I did it right. I spent a ton of money. I flew in the DP from LA and, um,

anyway, I got your Coozie money coming your way. It's going to happen. Maybe even this week. Get out of here. Are you serious? Maybe even this week. Is it going to be cash? Yeah. But can I talk about that out loud? I've kept a certain party out of the equation. Yeah. So, does Venmo catch you? Yes, Venmo is tied to the IRS.

They send in a report to the IRS. What? But they don't know what it was. Couldn't someone have owed me money? So you're saying a lot of people have owed you $10 within a six month period of time? They all owed me money. I was cutting my tongue on envelopes.

I was ripping apart shit. If anything ever encapsulated your personality more, I can't think of it. Oh man. Well, add a new thing to my personality. So you know the saying that comes along with 9-11, guess what, I forgot. I forgot too.

This is your first year? Well, I forgot till the end of the day and then I sent a funny meme to our friend, Eric, who we've always exchanged funny 9-11 memes. Dickie said there was, let me see if it's on here, he sent a funny meme which is many years too late in my opinion but uh hold on here no it's not on but he described it to me it's two airplanes like vertical like with their noses in the ground two two airplanes that

are standing there. And then two buildings are flying in, two skyscrapers are flying into the airplanes. And I think it said something like, what Europeans hear when they hear 9-11, you know, because of their 11-9. Anyway, I didn't do it any justice. I haven't seen it, but it's a very funny idea. Yeah. Yeah, so 9-11, everybody's got their story, but mine could have been tragic. My mom was on a flight leaving JFK at 8.50 a.m. The planes hit the towers at like 845. And and so I saw that I was awake because

Owen was a baby. So I was up with him. Aaron was asleep. And Billy Clark texted me what was happening. I turned on the TV. And then my first thought was holy shit, my mom is on one of those planes you know and I didn't hear from her for like two hours because cell phone service was all jammed up in New York right might have even been like three hours and and then she finally got through and I was like damn fuck because the inheritance that would have been not only inheritance, but what a story. Everybody's always trying to top each other with their nine 11 stories. I would have been this, I would have been the Steve Renne's easy of all stories.

Yeah. His lie wasn't even as good as that. I know. Yeah. She was getting shit faced with a South MacFarland and then or hung over with him I guess at that point and missed the flight. All right So should we talk about the debate a little bit? I mean, we don't want to get political because we we just lose so many followers

But we'll just say it was the most historic debate since Kennedy and Nixon I think and then and then Taylor Swift coming out and doing the endorsement right after was like, just changed the whole direction of this election in 24 hours. Yeah, I'm looking for really funny tweet after it. Yeah, I mean, I thought it was pretty good. But an entertaining, listen, it was entertaining.

Can we at least talk about that? Yeah, because the Biden one was just so painful. It was just like watching a human being meltdown like that is just not fun at all. And you know, Trump did not meltdown. Trump was Trump. He represented who he is and what he stands for. And I just think that the coaching was very different. I think that she was extremely coached, which I don't know some people are saying that's a negative. I think it's like she did her

homework. And I think Trump, you could see Trump's team that was telling him what to say and what not to say, just jumping around and pulling their hair out. He was breaking all the rules about what you should do during a debate, which sometimes helps him. I think it definitely helped him with Hillary, but in this case I think it hurt him. So, oh, and by the way, speaking of television, congratulations on your nomination for an Emmy this year. The ceremony was last week and I believe we taped the podcast just before you left for it. Yes, it was in the hotel and as predicted the Oscars won, you know, because it was so incredibly well produced and surprising and uncharted

territory and it was just yeah yeah, it was great. So I'm looking for this damn thing. Anyway, the tweet I think said something after the debate. There were so many funny memes and tweets, but one was when he said that we are paying for school children to trans sexually transition I spit my dog out. I thought that was very good. How is the actual Emmy ceremony? Did you have fun? Was it a party? Well, a friend of mine there who was actually nominated against me produced the Grammys. And he was like, I think you guys got it over us.

And I'm mate, he's British. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. I go, the Oscars, the friend base that Jimmy has and the Oscars also, and they have 70 years of people who have worked on the Oscars that are eligible voters and all that stuff. And so anyway, he had a rundown of the show, which was great, like producers get.

And I saw that we were the very last award of the show. So I spent most of the time out with Mike Sweeney, who says hello. Oh yeah. Yeah, he was up, he won an Emmy. And- For what? Conan, Conan, one of Conan's travel shows, I guess.

So anyway, I spend most of the time out in the lobby where they serve alcohol and so standing out there and then I walked in with a couple of wards left to go or something. But I was there for the first bunch. Said hi to my boy RuPaul who gave me an Emmy last time I was there for Carpool Karaoke. I reminded him of that. And people are like, what's the difference between the Emmy's the first weekend and the second? And I'm like, here's the biggest difference.

Way more trans people at the first weekend. Oh, interesting. Because a lot of the reality shows are nominated in that for our the awards are given out in that first weekend So there was trans people ever and let me tell you something about trans people. Yeah at an award show. Yeah, they are tall Yeah Very tall. Yep. They're tall and they really get dressed up Here's the thing and I'm not anti-trans in any way

But do you feel they go a little heavy on the makeup? Tiny bit. Yeah, you know, there were a lot of wigs and a lot of everything but a lot of them, you know Intentionally trying to be outlandish, you know, I love it. I love it I mean, there's nothing that makes a party more fun than some trans people that have fucking knocked themselves out to put on an amazing outfit. And also, go ahead. And they're fabulous. They're just, they're fun. And all these people we're describing, and I'm about to differentiate, are fabulous. And before we get corrections, I should mention, I don't know if everyone I was seeing who was really tall and like, because some are drag by definition,

that's in the name of a show that does very well and wins Emmys every year. So I think that that's not a trans person. So anyway, there was also a lot of people in drag. Wait a minute. So LGBTQ something plus doesn't cover drag? Do we need to add a D to this acronym? It's drag queen, so you got the Q.

Oh. Yeah, we're set. No, no, no, no. David Sedaris has an essay in the New Yorker this week and he talks about, he said, he was talking about going to visit the pope you know they had those hundred comedians all go meet with the pope and he said something about being gay or queer and he's like I'm not queer I'm gay and someone said what's the difference he goes queers are annoyed by everything gays just want to know

who did the floral arrangement or something like that. It was very funny. It is true. Queer in general are the ones that are the biggest word police people and you know, whatever. The question, the question most, they have the queries. One thing I'll just say finally, what was cool is I'm sitting down and all of a sudden in walks and two rows ahead of me, I was like in the third row, two rows ahead of me, Mr. Dick Van Dyke. So you were that close to the handicap seats?

That's a good seat. Another big hello to you came from Nikki Glaser and her father. No. And they were both there. And the reason I jumped to that is because Dick Van Dyke beat Nikki Glaser out of her Emmy. For what? No, he literally beat her up and took the Emmy. For best, you know, whatever, you know these Emmy categories.

It was like, his was like a variety. Yeah, his was a scripteded variety I think is what it was so it's weird you're putting Dick Van Dyke in this like show up against her stand-up it's weird. Oh against her stand-up special okay her stand-up special was good and it looked amazing holy shit they put some money into that one they did oh well that's nice to hear. She's great. Hamish, I think, the guy he won for directing the Oscars, I believe he directed Nikki Glaser's hour. I think so. Wow. I believe I have that right.

Also did my 100th episode of the Adam Carolla show this week which is a record. I'm the most frequent guest in the show's history. And they gave me a big celebration and they dedicated the show to me. It was very fun. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Should we talk about what happened yesterday morning? Yeah, how was it for you weren't here? We were I was in LA at the kitchen table. What was it about eight in the morning? Uh huh.

And I'm just sitting there eating some granola and boom, the room started shaking and rolling. And I was like, Damn, this is sometimes you go like, is that a truck driving by or is this an earthquake? This was like, oh, this is an earthquake. My phone immediately went off with an earthquake warning. Did you get that? Um, I think I got it. it, but the house was already shaking. The apartment was already rocking. Yeah, no, it happened at the exact same time.

Literally two seconds after the earthquake started, the phone went off and it said, get hide, get under something, major earthquake. And hold on, or say it was weird. Yeah, yeah. Let me see if I hold on, or say, it was weird. Yeah. Let me see if I can find it. Yeah, it was a weird message.

It's also way too late. Well, maybe for some people, if you're not in the epicenter, it gets to you a couple seconds later, I don't know. But it woke Erin, she was asleep. That's my fucking marriage. There it is, here it is, emergency alert. Earthquake detected, drop Drop cover. Hold on. Protect yourself. Yeah. All right. That's that's what I should call

my next special. Hold on. Yeah, drop. Protect yourself. Yeah, I guess it was like a five point something that this begs the question we have our annual bet about whether or not there will be a major earthquake in Los Angeles does this qualify? I mean I don't think I forget what I even said but I think it does not. I'm thinking a disruption. Yeah, there has to be damage. There was no damage as far as I know. No, I know, and it was in Malibu, and it moved.

I mean, I'm on the beach. It moved this place. Yeah. And Chris was here. Oh, I haven't, Chris Weinstein, a really good friend from New York, he's out visiting. He's actually directing this job. And so he's staying with me because I'm an empty nester now, Greg. We'll talk about that next week. But what do you mean next week?

This is a big life change for you. We're going to talk about it. I know, but we're 22 minutes in and I just thought we'd get to the news. Producer. All right. And he nominated producer. Also, I haven't really experienced it yet. Alright producer, alright Emmy nominated producer. Also I haven't really experienced it yet so you know I haven't had the time to sit around and look around like what I'm alone. So anyway. Do you want to hang out more?

I don't know I like you in Chicago. I think that that feels right. That feels comfortable. It's like your it's like your sociology professor taught you 20 years ago. What? Oh yeah. This is better. Right, exactly. So anyway, a New Yorker here was interesting during the earthquake. He ran out and looked and he goes, your TV was going crazy. So yeah. It's like going to Disneyland. It is. All. And let's get to it. This is only the second one in his life and the other one was in New York, the big one

that hit New York. Oh my god. The one before this one I was masturbating when it happened. And I felt like wow I'm really fucking going for it here. That should be the alert on your phone. Hold on and jerk it. Hold on. Oh, we see you already are. That should be an alert. Like when we start to do that, like that would be a good I'm sure there's an app for that. Oh, well, you know, I was I was in Texas.

I was in Texas last week and I put some porn on. I tried to and it both big screen from the government came up and it said that I had to prove I was 18. Right? Yeah. So I had to let them take a photo of my face from my computer so it could decide whether and I looked over 21. And you know, it was very hard for them to tell it was me because of my eyes being squinted

and the general sadness around me. But it felt like, there was a very hard transition from letting them take my photo to watching porn with my pants down in front of my computer. Yeah. Well, you should have switched from sexy feet.com to another one. We've been told by a Texan is it one of them you don't have to do it. Yes. I forgot which one. What about your VPN pal? I know the VPN. You forgot. I don't know but yeah they definitely don't think I'm racist. There are a lot of black women in my feed lately. Alright let's thank Jane S for this week's logo. That's a People magazine cover. I love it. It's kind of a

nod to JLo and Ben Affleck unconsciously uncoupling from each other. I think that the world has sort of caught on that they are both not good people at this point. I think a little bit. I mean JLo's just out of control and I mean you know same could be said for him. I mean he he's not only out of control with a lot of his choices but it also includes alcohol abuse. Yeah, but I think she's just- I don't know if she's abusing substances, but she just has this, I don't know if it's a narcissism,

whatever that explains that crazy drive to just manically wanna be on every magazine cover and live her life 80% in the spotlight. Yeah she's a diva she's a true diva I just had dinner with a friend who interviewed her once and the the idea was this was for a major magazine and the idea was that they were gonna go out and get their nails done and she'd interview them you know they have like a girls thing so they get to the nail salon and JLo had like a posse of six women and they took up all the chairs and our friend had to stand there and interview her

while she was in the chairs and she was like half ignoring her the whole time. She's like, you know, I could fucking roast you right now in a magazine, right? That should have happened. It wasn't that kind of magazine. It was one of those like fashion magazines where it was a fluff piece. So let's get to the corrections. Mark D'Antonios.

Emmett Hall and the song, did you cover that? Oh, I'm sorry, Emmett Hall, great song. Emmett's done, I would guess close to 10 songs for us over the last four or five years. Maybe more. And this goes in the Emmett Hall of Fame, let's just say. Really good. I like that.

I need some more. We got a few more good ones in, but always looking for some more songs. Send them in to fitsdogradio at gmail.com. Mark D'Antonio says that the correction was I tried to guess the joke that Sarah Silverman did way back in like the early 90s on Conan that she got in trouble for but he said the actual joke was that she got called up for jury duty doesn't want to go tells a friend and the friend tells her it's very easy to get out,

just say something based on minorities. For instance, when they come to you just say, I hate, and I'm not going to say the word for Chinese people. The Chinese C word. The Chinese C word. Sarah thinks to herself, I don't hate Chinese people. So when they come around, she says, I love the Cword for Chinese people and taps her head indicating how clever she is right funny yeah no it's great that's a great joke I hate that I had to not say the word I know you're gonna get hung up on that then Sean said correct don't let it be a chink in your armor Greg you're doing great. There you go.

Correction. You can smoke crack and still be mayor of a metropolis. Robb Ford City of Toronto. He's since passed away. Now his brother Doug is the premier of Ontario. After the crack video was released, Robb went on Jimmy Kimmel. The Ford name is a staple now in Ontario. So I guess we're not the only one. I remember that train wreck. Everyone loved him. Yeah, he was bigger than life. Tour dates coming up. I will be in Temecula at the Montserrat Winery September 21st. Then I will be in Alaska, Tulsa, Kansas City, Tacoma, San Francisco, Cleveland, Atlanta, Janesville, Wisconsin, NIAC, a bunch of other dates. Go to FitzDog.com, get yourself some tickets, come out and see some live comedy.

New Hour, the special will not be a part of this new tour. I've got a brand new hour that I'm very excited about. You know what else I'm excited about? What? That support comes from prize picks. It's America's number one daily sports app with over five million active users. It's really exciting, it's really fun.

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Love it. And speaking of game, what do we got? Game time? We got some game time. All right. I'm going on the app. I'm going on Los Angeles. I'm going into discover mode to see what's going on. That's one of my favorite things to do. We got Megan Moroney.

Don't know her. 169. She's tomorrow night. You want to go to the 49ers or Rams? 215 right now. Watch it. It's gonna drop. Whoa. We got Astros at Angels. Oh, we have Cake. I love the band Cake. I know that guy too. I haven't talked to him in 20 years, but I love Cake. Let's see what other music is going on.

Wait, didn't San Francisco play the Rams last week? Um, no, you, I do want to forget what happened. So I go to Penn Mar and it's Jets Monday night football. Oh, right. San Francisco. So get this Detroit Rams. I saw that the line was three and a half points. I'm like, oh, my God, this is amazing. I want to bet on San Francisco because I love betting against my Jets, because that way they give me something when they lose predictably.

So, no one would take the bet, of course. And then all of a sudden it's kind of tight first quarter. They go up by a field goal and Govins goes, well, I'll honor that. I mean, I'll give you six and a half. But he took San Francisco. So I took the Jets and of course lost. Oh, insult to injury, to harm, to hurt, to pain. They're terrible.

Of course. So anyway, game time has the deals. You can browse the seats, you get the view from the seat. You've heard us talk about this week after week. You talk, I mean, it's what else are there? What are they called? Well, the great thing is not only is it sports, but it's also theater, it's concerts, it's comedy shows. And I say this all the time. If I have money to

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Nice. Let's crinkle some papers, baby. Let's get into it. We're 35 minutes in, and we're gonna finally do a news story. Watch this. I'm ripping it off a pad and it's the front page. There we go. Brooklyn-based activist Adina Sash received a phone call she had long awaited. Malki Berkowitz, 29, a fellow Orthodox woman, had finally received a get, or Jewish divorce

contract. For Sash, the phone call also ended a six-month sex strike she had mounted on Berkowitz's behalf. Jewish law affords men the power to withhold ritual divorce from their wives with no recourse. And Berkowitz's estranged husband had refused to issue a get for four years. So in protest, Sash rallied Jewish women to withhold sex from their husbands on Friday nights, known as a mitzvah night, as well as following a period of ritual impurity during and after menstruation known as NIDA. The goal was to recruit men as well as women to pressure Berkowitz's estranged husband to divorce her. Have you seen these Orthodox women? Like I'm surprised the men weren't already striking. Yeah, I mean they have to do it through a sheet.

That's kind of like a giant bag overhead. Meanwhile, let's be real, the guys are less desirable. Yes. Although I wonder, they're not gonna wear, the women aren't wearing wigs at home, are they? Yeah, oh, do they? Yeah, they wear them out in public. Yeah, they have to wear them out in public.

But I'm also imagining a lot of these couples were unaffected by the strike, you know what I mean? I don't think it was a pressing issue in the household. Yeah, yeah, right. And the women, let's face it, the women called it a strike because it's a work stoppage. I mean, it's work, it's physical labor, all types of jobs, and it takes a lot of energy

to get through that, I think. I also think that there hasn't been a picket line this pale and Jewish since the writer's strike. Nice. Bezos, the man who sold Jeff Bezos his $79 million mansion in a Tony part of Miami is suing the realtor who handled the transaction because he concealed the fact that the buyer of the three acre estate was the Amazon founder

potentially costing him as much as six million dollars. The neighbors are Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump, football legend Tom Brady. The Brazilian mogul bought the property in 2014, so 10 years ago, for 28 million. He just sold it for 79, and now he's haggling over six million dollars? This doesn't really add up to me, this story. Because why did he lose six million?

Because he could have taken them to the cleaners if he knew that it was Jeff Bezos who's worth $200 billion. So you're saying if you knew it was one of the shrewdest businessmen alive, you would have done better. Yeah, exactly. I don't know about that. Because what I heard, you had more in here before, what I heard was Bezos just came back and said final offer. Like I won't go above this. Yes. And he took it.

Yes. And I guess he had already bought the house next door to this guy for $68 million dollars and it was a three-bedroom three-bath for $68 million dollars. And first of all, how do you not know it was Jeff Bezos? The door next door, the house next door, there was a spaceship in the driveway. Not a private jet, not a helicopter. Listen, I'm going to throw in a membership to Prime without commercials, okay? You're gonna get that.

Yes, and I will send you the check overnight. The guy just doesn't want a bazillion Amazon packages outside in his neighbor's lawn all day? A distraught mum, so you know where this story is coming from, has been left in a state of permanent confusion after hospital staff mixed up her twins, leaving her unsure which baby is which. Saffron Crisp, she would be known as Saffron Potato Chip in this country, had been carefully chosen the names of her twin girls well before they were born, but her best laid plans were turned upside down when the midwives pulled out the wrong baby first.

I guess she had a C-section and she was told that baby A would be born first, but that wasn't what happened. Afterwards, she noticed something wasn't right because Azaila, who had been the larger twin throughout the pregnancy, was suddenly the smaller of the two and she was being told it was Delilah. I mean look here's the thing about twins I think when you name them you name them on their first birthday when they might notice what you're

actually calling them and until then you treat them like a pair of socks same shape interchangeable and you treat them like a pair of fucking socks. Same shape, interchangeable, plus like after a year, you kind of know their personalities. You could name them accordingly, like you know, like Mary-Kate and Ashley. Like Ashley's the one with the attitude, so you call the attitude one Ashley.

You were cut open, man. They were both born at the same time. Yeah. They were in a little pool. It was like getting a fish out of a fish tank. Oh, God. But listen, she solved the problem. I don't know if you heard about this.

She moved to Virginia where their governor let her execute both of the babies. Wait a minute, after they were born? After they were born. Wow, that's no abortion. And she did it in a random order. It was she gave up on the order which was good to see there was some growth right before she executed them. Yes and then you yeah. I don't know if you know this because you're friends with them but same thing same exact thing happened to Scar brothers and their mom

never loved them. Never loved either one of them. They were twins yep yep they came out in the wrong order. They actually, I've never seen kids closer to their parents than the Sklar brothers. They they are so fucking tight with their parents it makes me I'm tight with my mom but it makes me feel like Jesus Christ I really haven't... They are family-oriented. I think they have a nephew at Michigan, and they're giant Michigan fans. So... Can I tell you how much I love the Sklar brothers?

You do. Yes, you do. They're just the best. Fucking best dudes. They're very, very positive, man. I always feel better after having spent time with them. Yes You want to do this next one man allegedly swings colostomy bag at cops at Kid Rocks bar in Nashville, huh? No, this will not be our only Nashville story. We got a little Bon Jovi coming up. All right, but What I liked about this story was the New York Post, so I left in some of their writing. So here we go. They were struck in the line of duty.

A drunk man at Kid Rocks Bar in Tennessee. D-O-O-D-Y, you need to say. Yeah. I kind of pronounced it that way. Also, I think you can make the joke without reading it a drunk man at Kid Rocks bar in Tennessee Literally lost his shit on a pair of police officers swinging his colostomy bag at them and whacking them with his feces Nicholas Adam new heart 39 was blocking an emergency exit door in an arena Sorry in an area of Kid Rocks a's big ass honky tonk and rock

and roll steakhouse in Nashville Saturday when the crappy situation unfolded. Security staffers told Newhart to leave, but he refused, prompting them to track down cops for help. Some Twitter users, meanwhile, couldn't help poking fun at the nauseating report quote if you don't want to be exposed to shit stay away from Kid Rock I like that one I like that one now when they say swinging shit around do they mean the Bud lights yeah exactly he's back on that he's back on that what's more nauseating the shitbag or an annoying ripoff of a Leonard Skinner song being played in the background on a loop? Oh

Man, and we're if only John Bon Jovi was there to save the day That would have been it listen. I don't spend much time downtown I'm in Nashville a lot these days, but I thought for a second maybe this is the new Bachelorette party thing to do. It's like, listen, we can go around with dildos on our heads. There's a place with a mechanical bull, but there's a new place where a guy swings around his colostomy bag and the losers get shit all over them. It's like a piñata you don't want to be near. Totally. Wait, so what is the reputation? Because you are in Nashville a lot.

Have you ever considered going there just out of curiosity or? No, the whole town dreads, you know, meanwhile, it's paying a lot of taxes, but the whole town dreads Broadway. It's just become. I mean, someone can pry right in with it. There's no less than eight celebrity bars and some you haven't even heard of the act, but they're like pop country. But Kid Rock has one. Oh, and John Bon Jovi opened his.

That's why he was there in the news story we're about to do. And it's but more than that, it has become the bachelorette capital of the world. It took it away from Vegas. There's arguments that it's more central. So East Coast and West Coast gals can meet in Nashville and it's a little more towards the middle. But it's it's out of control. And so they everyone I know who's a local there avoids it like the plague

Blake Shelton has one Jason Aldean Luke Bryan Willard Walker jr. Doesn't have this yet Wait a minute Adele now. That's not possible. No hers would be a What would it be a wine bar or a rosé bar? Yeah. Some Aperol spritz and Aperol spritz bar. That's all they serve. All right, let's get to it.

This leads us very nicely into entertainment. Here we go, entertainment. ["The Last Supper"] Yes, sir. You want me to do it? Police in Nashville praised singer Bon Jovi for helping prevent a tragedy by speaking to a woman who was on the ledge of a bridge Tuesday. John was at the John Singlethorpe pedestrian bridge as a woman stood precariously over the Cumberland River. There's a video of it in which the woman in blue holds on to the railing while she stands on the ledge. People pass by her, but further down the bridge, Bon Jovi's team appears

to be setting up a video or a photo shoot. Bon Jovi walks to the woman, waves hello, and then leans on the railing near her. There is no audio, but it appears they begin speaking. Other people walk over after that, after the woman is safe, and Bon Jovi embraces her in a hug. A few minutes later, he leaves the bridge with her and then got a blowjob in his car. No. and then got a blowjob in his car. No. Oh. Look, every time Shot Through the Heart comes into my car radio,

I almost drive into oncoming traffic. So it's so great that he's working against how many suicides he probably causes every year. Oh, please. That would have been the headline. If I was walking on that bridge, it would have been, happy older man runs into Bon Jovi on the bridge

and immediately jumps to his death. That would have been my headline. I'm gonna call myself happy. Just go with me. Just suspend the disbelief. By the way, what a coincidence. John Bon Jovi's out promoting something with the camera crew. Camera crew was eight feet away. And he happens upon a woman, a damsel in distress, who he saves.

Give me a, why don't they stage the fucking moon landing with the two of them now? No, then they were like, all right, we didn't get it. Back to one and she falls off the bridge. She slipped legitimately. And where was Bon Jovi when that poor kid drowned this winter in that river? Right near there. Oh shit.

Huh John? Where were you then? Camera crew unavailable? I watched that documentary about him. It was like a docu-series. Oh my God, yeah. It's about his kind of attempt at a third comeback or where ever many comebacks he's made. Oh, Bon Jovi, I thought you meant the kid in

the river, sorry. No, there's gonna be a documentary about that for sure. Oh, yeah, yeah. So the documentary shows him, he's a kid, he starts a teen band, they start hanging out on the Jersey Shore He meets Springsteen when he's like 16 Springsteen thinks he's great and then he meets his fucking wife and and they're real and and all this I'm so caught up And I'm like, this is fucking amazing and then he sings his first song and I'm like this fucking sucks I forgot how horrible this guy is like this fucking sucks. I forgot how horrible this guy is.

He by all accounts is a nice guy, I don't know, but he owns on Palm Beach Island with Howard Stern. He owns a giant place down there. And the Hamptons, I think they're neighbors in the Hamptons and down in Florida. Right. And look, I'm sure he's a very nice guy. I'm just not a fan of that type of music.

Same. All right, let's make America Florida. Let's do it. All right, so I first want to just mention everybody the Florida man story that you emailed me to do. This is from Greg to me. Here's the headline, which we're not gonna do. Florida teen murdered mom by stabbing her in neck months after killing dad by shooting him in head. That's- He's working his way down. That's-

Oh my, is that why you said it? Cause you had that joke? No. That story is a down why you said it? Cause you had that joke? No. That story is a downer, get it? He's down. Next it's going to be a sister in the chest. No, I guess the police let him out. Maybe there wasn't enough evidence when he killed his father

and he got, or he went to jail and he got out early. I think he went to jail and he got out shortly after. Oh boy in Florida? Yeah. All right anyway here's what we're gonna do we have two Florida stories because they're related and I love them. Florida man arrested for attacking Corvette owner who revved his engine at him an existing existing feud apparently, sorry, an exist, did you read this? I should double, an existing feud apparently existed between an unidentified 72 year old corvette driver and his neighbor in the Spruce Creek South community, 63 year old Kenneth Michael Lewicki. The corvette

driver admits that revving up his engine was quote, sort of a brag as he passed by the home of Lewicki on Sunday afternoon. The six foot five, uh, 290 pound Lewicki didn't like what he heard, apparently. So much so that he drove to the Corvette driver's home and confronted him where he allegedly knocked him over onto his motorcycle. Reporting that he's had multiple surgeries on his back, the victim was worried that the

rods in his back had been shifted out of alignment by the impact. So he was carried by ambulance to the Spanish Plains Hospital in the villages. There it is. I had to get to the villages. There it is. I had to get to the villages. That's of course where it happened. I mean, look, if you've had multiple surgeries on your back, why the fuck are you climbing in and out of a Corvette? You should be in a Subaru Outback,

something you're stepping up into. I'm loving this villages. I can't get enough of it really. By the way, this is why I drove a Prius for so many years. Never annoyed anybody with the sound of the engine. Although you would just crram in your head, just press on that gas and watch the lights happen on the dash or whatever happens. So it's related to this.

Same week, Florida man punches guy for saying his challenger is nice. The victim said he was waving at Sturgeon, the guy, while saying something about how much he liked the Dodge Challenger when the suspect stopped in the middle of the road before a stop sign Sturgeon then marched from his mopar to the victim's car grab the man's hands then punch the guy in the face You can hear the victim reply. He was just saying how much he liked Sturgeon's challenger So Greg welcome to this world of muscle cars. They don't call them brain cars But you're different if someone compliments your brain cars, but you're different. If someone compliments your Mustang, the first thing you're gonna do is march

over and give them a blowjob. That's right. It's gonna be a little different. Yeah, it's not a Challenger, it's a Mustang. It's a very different type of an experience. Yeah. Yeah, I do think that it's for a guy and a challenger, they're so overcompensating for their fear of being gay that complimenting him is a risky move. I would never do it. I think that is what happened in this story. Yeah.

It was a homophobic incident. Yeah, I think a guy talking to a strange guy is just something that's not done in Florida. Nice challenger. I think that's what happened. I've got a challenge for you. Do you have any rivals on the road now? Is the challenger your rival?

Who, you have to know your rivals. It's absolutely the challenger. Wheneverenger whenever I well it's actually closer to the to the charger because I don't have the uh I don't have the eight cylinder this eight cylinder would be the equivalent of the Challenger I I'd say that the Charger is closer to my 305 engine block. Because with the Prius, your only challenger was manly hood, right? It was just testosterone. I think. I think it was ignorance. Or was heterosexuality?

I forget which. You had a lot of challengers, actually. Yeah. Arrivals. OK. We are going now to make Indiana floor. Oh, interesting. We've never done that before. Okay. The headline grabbed me.

Husband admits adding cocaine MDMA to wife's cokes in hopes he would marry her daughter. Okay. in hopes he would marry her daughter. Okay, Alfred Ruff, 71, pleaded guilty to aggravated battery in July for trying to poison his wife. Ruff told officers in January, 2022 that he had been spiking his wife's drinks over the last few months with a substance given to him by his wife's daughter. Ruff's wife, who called the Wayne County Sheriff's Department

and told them about her husband's actions, gave the responding deputy a pill bottle that contained the unknown powdery substance. When deputies interviewed the then 69-year-old Ruff at the sheriff's office, he told him that he was sexually involved with his wife's 31-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. He then explained that his wife's daughter gave him the pill bottle and the powdery substance and instructed him to put it in her mother's drink. The court document continued. Ruff told the deputies that the drug cocktail would make his wife go to sleep for 13 hours or so. The affidavit says he also confessed that he put the drugs in the drink to eventually kill her. Okay, a couple things. You didn't have to tag that last part on. No one knows

that. Secondly, sleep. This is a cocktail of Coca Cola, MDMA and cocaine and that bitch sleeps 13 hours. I think she she's gonna die on her own. Right, right. Yeah that's an upper. What is that? That's not a downer. That's weird. That's the most misguided murder attempt. That's as if Cosby gave her that. Cosby knew not to do that. This is this is bringing up total deja vu for me. This whole idea of a stepfather and a daughter oh no no it's just a film I saw recently on my computer yes and and the state of Texas knows you watched it yes well this is a this is definitely a true crime movie waiting to happen.

There's this series that I'm watching called World's Worst Roommate or something like that. You ever heard of Worst Roommate ever? I've seen the series. I've seen the series. Yeah, yeah. So I'm three in right now and I can't stop. I can't stop watching it. Is Erin going to do one about her roommate?

That's why I have no more roommates. I have no more roommates. Is um is Erin gonna do one about her roommate? That's why I have no more roommates I have no more roommates no one can do that All right, let's get to sports All right. Yes. So Tyreek Hill. We talked about Tyreek Hill. No, no, you want to talk about Tyreek Hill. You put that in front of my Shannon Sharp story.

All right. I'm taking it out. We don't have to talk about Tyreek Hill. Shannon Sharp apologizes for viral Instagram live sex broadcast. I heard some of it, by the way. After initially claiming he was hacked, Football Hall of Famers, Shannon Sharp admitted Wednesday

that he inadvertently live streamed audio of him having sex to his roughly 3.2 million followers on Instagram. On an emergency episode, an emergency episode of the Nightcap podcast, he co-hosts with fellow ex-NF Feller Chad Ocho-Sinko Johnson, the longtime Denver Broncos tight end, apologized for his mistake. Quote, obviously I am embarrassed. Someone that is extremely, extremely private and to

have, sorry, someone that is extremely, extremely private and to have one of your most intimate details, the audio heard for the entire world to hear. I'm embarrassed for a number of reasons, he said. I threw my phone on the bed, engaged in an activity. I did not know IG live. I've never turned IG live on, so I don't know how it works. And all of a sudden my other phone started going off. Meanwhile, that live broadcast had higher ratings than the Jets game.

Way higher. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what it sounds like. I mean, this guy's a tight end, so if his wife was a tight end, I would imagine there was a lot of screaming, you know? I don't think it was, did it say wife? I don't think so.

Oh no. I don't think. No, but people have pointed out there was no cheating. It was like he did nothing wrong except forget to press the off button. Yeah. There was also not as many groans as the Jets game. So he might want to look into that. Not as many groans. Yeah, he penetrated way more than the Jets offense. That's for sure.

Oh yeah, there was a lot more insert, insert football phrases that work. All right, where do we want to go down? International, let's do the international. Oh, here the international. A former Miss Switzerland Swiss Miss, finally, finalist was strangled to death and savagely dismembered by her husband, who then pureed her remains in a blender. Greg story, Christine Jackson muck off was found slain in her home near Basel in Switzerland. Her husband was taken into custody after he confessed to the killing.

The ruling, which brought horrific new details about the murder to light, said the ongoing investigation revealed concrete indications of a mental illness in the case. Really? You think maybe this is a mental illness? I thought maybe he just wanted to combine his two great loves in life, his beauty pageant wife and smoothies. I wonder if he had wheatgrass and spinach to her. A blender. This is an arduous task.

Want to hear my joke? Yeah, let me hear it. I wonder if they met on grind her. That's a good one. That's not bad. Yeah, you pronounced it perfectly. Yep. All right, let's switch it down. Let's switch it down. Let's get to this day in history. Here it comes. This might be the driest day in history. Oh, God. Wow. So let's try to find something here. You're ready. A lot you would already know

by like civil rights years and Prince Harry. All right, let's try this one. Muhammad Ali won the World Heavyweight Boxing Championship for the third time with his victory over Leon Spinks. Oh, yeah. Give or take four years. What year was this? Uh, his third, his first time he won the championship was like 1961. time he won the championship was like 1961 so I guess he I know he retired came out of retirement I'm gonna go 71 ten years later 1978 oh my god really he was

old he was am okay here's one Lone Ranger, originally a radio series, debuted on television this year, I'm gonna say give or take six years 53. Damn you, 1949. All right, you'll know Nuremberg laws, you'll know Civil War, tank in the first world war, you'll know during the Civil War, you'll know. You see, that's what I mean.

A lot of them are tied to big... That one's not interesting about Edward Albee, who I love. The sitcom, Frasier, a spin-off of Cheers starring Kelsey Grammer, debuted on NBC and became one of the most popular American TV shows of the late 20th century. Give or take three years, what year did Frasier debut? you. 1998. Buzzer of sound effect no 1993. Oh really? Yeah because I remember Cheers was on when I was a doorman and so we were there from 85 to 89 so Cheers was still going strong in the late 80s and probably

went into 91 or 2 I'm thinking. Okay. Let's try to find you one more here. I'm gonna nail the last one. All right. Okay, very similar. The American TV series MASH debuted. It was based on a Robert Altman film. It debuted on CBS in this year, give or take four years. 1977. You lose 1972. Really? So the Vietnam War was still going on when MASH started. That's interesting.

Because it was based on Vietnam. They called it Korea, but it was obviously about Vietnam. All right, let's try to give you one more. Give me one more. Jesus. Mexican artist Frida Kahlo was severely injured in a bus accident and during her recovery, she began painting and soon abandoned her plans for a career in medicine. She's probably looking around the hospital room like, fuck this.

I'm going to give her take 15 years on this one. 1938. You nailed it, 1926. I did it! You nailed it. Couldn't possibly get closer, that was perfect. Alright, let's get sad, A little sad. Here we go. And that's all, folks.

All right, James Earl Jones passed away. Powerful acting. Resonated on stage and on screen. He gave life to characters like Darth Vader, of course, Mufasa, and the Lion King, and went on to collect Tonys, Golden Globes, Emmys, and an honorary Oscar. Oh, did he get the EGOT? He did not get the EGOT. I don't see a Grammy. How does he not have a Grammy for reading or doing a documentary? That seems weird to me.

More EGOTs were achieved this past weekend by the way in the Emmys. Who? I think the guys that write musicals on Broadway. I'm forgetting their names but maybe they did Avenue Q or something like that. Bruce and Butch? Is that their names? I think it is. So anyway, I posted on my Instagram at Gibbons time that first time I went to a Michigan game my daughter's there was three years ago. And when I was there, the beginning of the game all of a sudden you hear dun-da-da-da-da-da-da-da and this just like music bed. And then Sophie like tugs on my arm and goes, Oh, dad, I think you'll like this. Watch this. And so every college, which I had never really been to a college game, I

used to go to army Navy games. My dad would drag them to me, uh, drag me to them when I was little. But, uh, I've been to a handful, but this was their hype video. So all these colleges have hype videos that they play before the game and it's like dead dead dead dead dead And it shows aerial shots beautiful shots and then all of a sudden They show James Earl Jones in profile in the vo booth and it says James Earl Jones Michigan 1955 and all of a sudden it's just starts with this is Michigan and you're like, oh shit.

Like it is just the word that I'm telling you, just go to YouTube, put in the word Michigan and James Earl Jones and just the word this. He's an instrument. It's like a tuba playing its first note. And then of course it's a hype tape. It goes over the top Here are some of the lines which are off the top of my head now

Michigan is the greatest university in the world and then and then they say we bow to no man We bow to no program. We have won more games than any college in history And it just shows it's just Tom Brady, Jeter, Phelps, Gerald Ford, all these scientists and astronauts and it's just it's it's it's the most power I didn't go to Michigan. I don't even like I hated Michigan my whole life before my daughter went there. I put it up against any hype video out there.

Wait, did he go to Michigan? Yes. Oh. Do you know what else that's interesting about him? He had a stutter. Really? He had a severe stutter and he overcame it and went into acting.

But he was a big, I think he was a big theater guy. I believe he's on Broadway a lot. Another thing that got passed around was him doing a top 10 cool, things that sound cool, right, when James Earl Jones reads them. And then another, which was, I think he messed up the words towards the end a little,

but this was the most, well, the most impressive is Michigan. The second most impressive to me was he spoke the national anthem at a game and had a backup chorus kind of doing the like you know just background I guess the harmony of the song I don't know I don't know how to talk music but he was like and the bombs burst in there and like he spoke it and it was fucking amazing. Wow that's pretty cool. Yeah I mean he kind of was the iconic voice of everything and then Morgan Freeman kind of took

the mantle since then and now fucking Kevin Hart. I mean what happened? What happened? Oh my god. Let's cheer up. Let cheer up we go so go find those James Earl Jones things he's a goddamn legend okay bunnies all right the funnies from last week was two women they're standing next to a casket the bottoms bottom's closed, the top is open. There's a gentleman laying in it. They're talking to each other. And Jason Cobb writes in, George tried to hold on a little longer but his Sunday papers koozie didn't make it in time. You're not gonna win with that one. Jason, did you

not get yours? I'll send you one. I'll send it right out. Cut my tongue on another envelope. Devin Smith says, no, he's not dead. Whenever I need help around the house, Bill identifies as vampire. Okay, not bad.

Todd from Scandinavia said, Bonnie, I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you, Fran. What were his last words? That's so sweet. What did he say? You know me. Todd from Scandinavia said, Bonnie, I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you, Fran. What were his last words? That's so sweet. What did he say? You know me.

This is like a Garfield. What does that mean? That's the title of my standup special, Mike Gibbons. Oh, you know me. Got it. Jim Dempsey said, my Lenny was asked to help with the casket. Always a pallbearer, never a corpse. Okay.

There was there's some dark ones in here. Sid talk. Can we? Said, sit talk. Then he said there's no way in hell I'm paying some high school dropout $150 an hour. How hard could it be? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Nice backstory. Tim said, want to, no, Steven said, want to see me fart in his mouth? I hate to say it so far. That's the winner. Steven just ignoring all protocol and logic and rules. I like it. Tim said rabies.ies yeah but it's

not what you think some deli in Ohio was selling Labrador sandwiches yeah that'll get you topical Kelly from Portland said Kevin's ego so big we had to do an open casket oh that's that's a cheap shot. Mike Markle said never pee in bed when you're using an electric blanket. Okay good solid advice yeah. It's like an old Confucius statement. Ryan said you're uglier than that dead guy. Damn it's not very nice thing to say to your friend. David Harriman says a funeral in Utah. One wife says to the other wife Did you know our husband died of AIDS? Huh? Huh, David? Huh? Rich McCabe.

Mitch McCabe said, Why? Why is the lower half closed? It's the first time this bastard has ever been stiff for me. That's not bad. That's not bad that's not bad yeah and I think that's it all right all right well I don't know I mean think that McCabe's was very strong I do like Stevens fart in his mouth like that a lot about it yep gets right to it what do we want to say on this what do you think I'll go with you on that I think that's my favorite to want to see me fart in his mouth Stephen yeah congratulations steets it's s t e p h e n which annoys me and almost makes me want to take away the the koozie. Sounds like a Prius driver. Where? What? Sounds like a Prius driver. Yes. Congratulations, Steven,

send us your address at Fitzdog radio at gmail.com and we'll get you your koozie out post haste. Next week's cartoon caption is... it's two dogs. There's a woman in the bathroom. The door is open and you can see from her shoulders down she's sitting on the toilet, panties around her ankles, and she's clearly in the act of either urinating or defecating. And the two dogs are looking at her and saying, what? Why didn't that bitch close the door? That would have been my first thought. By the way, if you back up and squint,

it sort of looks like a ripped dude who's standing in front of the toilet and has his pants between his knees his underwear. Oh I can see that yeah I see that. Right? With a crazy back like a crazy back. Yeah. I saw dude's ass. Is this a war shack? When I see a naked woman I see a naked woman you immediately go to a guy with no shirt on. Interesting. A ripped tight he's tight and ripped a lot of us calling each other gay in today's episode bro so we got a correction about last week's Garfield so the joke was in the last the last frame Garfield goes and I've seen penguins in

the North Pole or whatever and that's when the other cat was it a cat had like a you know he's a dog a dog had a doubting look on I'm writing credulous and and it's because there are no penguins in the North Pole oh oh Garfield went took it a little too far is lying it was also a note from Shawn Johnson who said regarding Garfield comics the thought bubbles denote animal speak. The animals can communicate with one another via the thought bubbles but humans can't understand them. Humans, John and Liz, have normal conversation bubbles. Also, Greg, that pretty supple daughter from Blondie is, quote, the younger child of Blondie and Dagwood. She is in her early

teens, according to Wikipedia. So take it easy there, Tiger. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. She does not look like she's in her early teens. Yeah, call me guilty. But who the hell cares what the thought bubbles look like and that it denotes animal speak? Isn't it obvious the animal's speaking? Well I think the idea is they're speaking but the humans can't hear it. But the animals can't. You know, Garfield just might be way too complex for me is what I'm learning. That's what I'm learning.

Speaking of, here we go. The seventh best Garfield of all time. And he's surrounded by stars. Is that just the logo? Do I have to describe? That's not the first cell, right? So we're going to have one, two, three, four, five, six, six cells. There's only dialogue in one of them, the sixth one. So that guy, I'm gathering his name is John.

They're at a dinner table. John is sitting between a very manic dog who's yellow and then Garfield. Garfield smiling and he has a tray in front of him and that dog is like chugging milk and John looks half asleep I gotta say. The next frame. He looks stoned. Yeah he then turns to the dog. He looks like Doug. Doug Benson. You're right, he does. Yeah. So then John turns to the yellow dog in the second frame, the yellow dog is very wired and excited. And while he's turned over,

Garfield seems to be chowing down on John's plate. Third frame, John turns back to Garfield. Garfield looks a little guilty and has like a chest sheer grin, may I could say that, right? John's plate is empty and John looks a little perturbed and while he's looking at Garfield that hyper dog is now chowing down John's salad. Oh and it was John's milk I'm gathering now in the first frame. Yeah it was his milk, yeah. John needs to be healthy. So now in the fourth frame he turns back to the yellow dog. If this is tiring for you to listen to, you can't even imagine. I can't believe I'm still awake. Turns to the yellow dog while he does that Garfield takes the baked pan in front of him

and slams it. Think it's lasagna. He loves lasagna. Maybe it is lasagna because it looks red when it's going down his gulliver. So Garfield slams that in his mouth. Now we get to another one. He turns towards Garfield and now the dog, this hasn't been elevated at all. The dog just keeps eating the salad.

Okay. In the last frame, John is being dragged out and it looks by, you just see white pants. So I guess we're gonna learn that it's probably a nurse or something, like a male nurse takes an orderly. Perfect. So both the animals are sitting there. Well, you're not mentioning that John's in a straight jacket.

Oh, I didn't see the straight jacket. Yeah, he's in a straight jacket. Sorry, John's in a straight jacket. Oh, I didn't see the straight jacket. Yeah, he's in a straight jacket. Sorry, John's in a straight jacket. Attention to detail. So the animals are sitting there and the Thought Bubble animals go, they say we can visit them two to four on Saturdays. And all John is saying is, food gone, food all gone. What the fuck was this? Well, you know, I mean, the thing about Garfield is he's mischievous and you get the sense this isn't the first kind of episode

involving food that's happened. John should move to Ohio where you can eat your cat. How about that? That would solve this, then we wouldn't have the next six. Yeah, yeah, you would definitely eat Garfield first. He's got some meat on his bones. That dog is skinny. These pets are driving him crazy. That's the premise of this. But food gone, food all gone. This is crazy.

Yeah. All right. I think you just got to euthanize the dogs, the dog and the cat. All right, let's get to Hager. Pets all gone. It's a long Haggar, so I'll rip through it. So, um, he, uh, he, Haggar and his boys are lined up in front of a castle and the king is out front with his very nervous looking wife, the queen. And he says, enter my castle and you will be sorry. I will teach you all a lesson in humility and then the Queen says I admire your commanding self-confidence dear and then

in the final frame Hager and the boys are running out with all of his treasure and then the wife says to the king I just wish there was some basis for it it's like look bitch maybe I stood up to them enough to keep you from being thrown on the floor and ravaged serially by guys that haven't showered in weeks. How about a little gratitude? I don't even know what to say about that. I'm still rattled from the Garfield. Yeah, it's a lot to take in that Garfield.

All right, let's get to the Lockhorns. First of all, they, you know, they do a daily strip every day. And then on Sundays, they do like five or six together. And it's like most people take Sunday off. And what's her name? Bunny Host. She fucking puts out extras on Sunday. So in the first one

Leroy says, you know, I can never say no to you Loretta. That's why I ignore you And in the second one Leroy's talking to a hot bimbo and Loretta says to her friend when Leroy says he does resistance training It means he resists going to the gym and the next in the next one Loretta walks into a bar and says excuse me I'm looking for Mr. Wrong. And the next one she says to her friend Leroy staring out the window blindly she says I never really know what Leroy is thinking neither does Leroy that one's okay the other ones were like better jokes I think and then in the last one Leroy is looking at sympathy cards at the drugstore and the drug is pointing and he says no sir the anniversary cards

are over there okay finally let's get to her! Blondie is sitting, faced away from Dagwood as she should. There's no reason to face this fucking guy. There's nothing to see. Nothing to see here. He's got a remote and he's saying, I can't believe they can even call this a debate. And she says, calm down, honey. And then from the TV you hear, shut up. No, you shut up. And she says, calm down, honey. And then from the TV you hear, shut up. No, you shut up. And he goes, again, they've ignored one of the most vital issues of the day. And she says, maybe there aren't many voters worried about whether pineapple should be allowed on pizza. And he goes, well, they should be. And the TV says, you're a wimp. So are you.

and the TV says, you're a wimp, so are you. I just want to point out, we're not watching Blondie for pithy political commentary. She's got her back to the camera. I can't see her body at all. I see a little bit of calf. That's the only thing enjoyable. You see a little bit of side boob, but this is not what I pay an extra $5

for the Sunday Daily News. Right. No, you need more. They're hiding her. Yes. From you. From you. Yep.

Maybe it's their version of a cease and desist. To me? Or a restraining order. Against me? Yeah. Like, this is your 50 yards away they hear what you're they hear what we're up to yeah yeah they're keeping the Mustang in the garage Mike I don't like it take her out take her out for a spin dad now no you have a muscle car and what you're capable of. Oh my god. All right, listen.

We did it. We got through another great episode of Sunday Papers. We want to thank our sponsors. If you want to help the people that help us, go to PrizePix and get the app and use CodePapers for $50 instantly when you play $5. Also don't forget Game Time, friend of the show Game Time You're gonna download their app and use code papers for $20 off your first purchase Also, thank you again for supporting the special. You can find it on my YouTube page for free Enjoy it. It should be it. I think it's by the time this airs

I think we're gonna be at 300,000, way beyond what I ever imagined. So thank you. Congratulations, man. That's incredible. Thank you so much. Go give a dollar. It takes a minute. Yeah. It's quick.

Which as you pointed out, go give Greg 60 cents. Hey, or 500. Thank you. Or 500. Thank you, Diana. Anything you wanna plug or promote, Mike? I'm enjoying slow horses. Ooh horses is the new season out I'm still on season 2 okay yeah I love slow horses it's great and then what else what else what else you know it's good as mr. in between have you seen that yet no Australian hitman show really good oh

nice yeah okay cool no nothing to promote man just your special go back to Australian hitman show really good. Oh nice. Yeah Okay, cool. No nothing to promote man. Just your special go back to it. All right Thank you guys for listening. Thanks to Midcoast media for doing a fine job. Even though Chris Denman was not present today He's too busy for us these days, but we understand we're happy that Midcoast is doing so well and so busy Okay, we'll catch you guys next week. Take it, Ish! Take it, Ish! Good for love, but bad for common sense. Greg Fitzsimmons and Michael Gibbett, the Sunday Papers podcast about to begin.