Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 233 9/29/24

Episode Date: September 29, 2024

This week, Florida man is in warm water and the NYC mayor is in hot water. California apologizes for slavery and a woman is dragged from Disneyland for sneaking in her kids.Watch Greg’s new special, “You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Thanks to Heil Sound for the new microphones https://heilsound.comEmail caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest”

It's a Sunday Papers podcast. Oh yeah. It's a Sunday Papers podcast. Oh yeah. It's a Sunday Papers podcast. Oh yeah. It's a Sunday Papers podcast. It's a Sunday Papers podcast.

It's a Sunday Papers podcast. It's a Sunday Papers podcast. It's a Sunday Papers podcast. It's a Sunday Papers podcast. It's a Sunday Papers podcast. It's a Sunday Papers podcast. It's a Sunday Papers podcast. It's a Sunday Papers podcast.

It's a Sunday Papers podcast. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday Papers coming to you from the U. podcast. podcast. podcast. read all about it. read all about it. Sunday papers coming from the northern most. I don't know is Alaska the northern most state it must be. Yeah. You think. Do you know, guess how many miles of coastline there are here in Alaska.

Ah, how many miles of beachesline there are here in Alaska? Uh, how many miles of beaches? Beaches? I have no idea. Yes. Oh my God. I'm going to say a 1380. 1300. Yeah. How about 30,000 miles of coastline,

more coastline than the rest of the country combined. Wow. And somebody told me that and I said, that doesn't make sense. And so I looked it up online, corroborated it twice. Wait, one said 20,000 and one said 30,000, but yeah, is that fucking nuts? Is that crazy? So we, I purposely didn't ask you anything before we pressed record cause I want to

catch up and everybody can listen in. All right. All right. Good. You're in Fairbanks. I'm in Fairbanks, which is, um, you know, it's not a great town. It's really, um, you know, I was like, Oh, I'm going to Alaska. I'm going to take hikes. I'm going to see bears. I'm going to be, I'm in the fucking, I mean like a, it's more like, did you see the true detective with Jodie Foster? Yes. A little more like that vibe. Oh, lots of gay. It's very gay. It's, is it gay? No,

no, but it's sad. It's not sad. I'm sad. The people actually are very happy. They're very like, there's no bullshit at all. They are just like, nobody seems neurotic. Everybody's like really knows each other. I think in a sense, I mean, I'm here in September.

Who knows what it's like in January, February, but I don't know, it's kind of nice. So Fairbanks, I'm looking this up. Juno, the capital, has 32,000 people in it. Yeah. Fairbanks has 500 less than that. And that's like including two, that's including two military bases. That's almost like, uh, you know,

the Staples center or something like, or whatever it's called now. Like, yeah. But the landmass is, uh, more than 20% of the rest of the, if you compare it to the rest of the U S it's, it would take up 20% of the U S. Alaska would. Yes. Yes. No, I know that. Uh, Oh man. All right. Uh, let's see. Sitka Alaska. What's getting cold. I did a show last night. I'm in three different venues in four nights.

And last night was a gig. And they told me, they kept telling me, look, this is kind of a tough gig. Look, this is not going to go well. Look, it's got high ceilings. It's a country Western bar. And so I walk in, first thing you see is a sign on the wall that says, fighting $300 fine. Oh. Yeah. And then I see the bouncer and he's this big fucking humorless guy.

And I go, do you ever actually charge people? He goes, happened two nights ago. He goes, there's an ATM machine in the lobby. We hold them and we make them take the money out. It's cash. That's hysterical. You know, I'm looking at a map of Alaska and I never noticed, we're real bastards, man.

So, Yukon, the Yukon has a very straight north-south boundary, unbelievably straight east west boundary. And it goes almost the corner, the lower left corner, the southwest corner is right near the water. If it hit the water, it would split Alaska. But America's taken all the coastline. I don't get it. Split Alaska, but America's taken all the coastline.

And America, if I have that right, I think Alaska goes then along the coast south of Yukon down to British Columbia. Glacier Bay National Park. Well, where's this city? Yeah, like Vancouver. It goes down, yeah. What a bastard move. No, and we're miles from Russia. Sarah Pound says she can see it. From her porch. But Yukon, we gave them, the only coast they have is way, way, way up north. We took away their coastline in the Gulf of Alaska. Yeah, but I am so fucking bored.

You ever get so bored that you enjoy sneezing? Like you feel a sneeze coming and you get excited that you're actually gonna feel something for one second? Well, passing gas, I'm sure. Yes. That was your favorite until you developed the roids. Farting, sneezing, jerking off. Those are the highlights of my day.

There's nothing to do. I walk around the town. It's freezing cold already in September. All right. What are the what's I'm going to look it up on my phone. Sunrise, sunset. 12 hour days right now, eight o'clock to eight o'clock. I've been waking up at five o'clock in the morning and with nothing to do, kind of a shitty hotel. It's not a great gig. The guys that run it are awesome. And the first night we had an amazing show. It was in this little bar

and the people were so great and these two guys are great They're they're both comedians and they're radio guys and they're really awesome But no, it's a little it's a little hellish, but then this weekend is gonna be at a theater Dude, it's colder than you even sold it as the high today is 43 the lowest 37 Yeah, and it's rain It's like it's like a cold dank. And the only one of the highlights up here is that you can see the Northern lights. It's like a really great spot to see the Northern lights cloud coverage all week.

Socks. Why? When are you there until? Leaving. I'm leaving Sunday at three 30 in the afternoon, because that was the only direct flight from Seattle to LA. And I arrive at midnight on Sunday night. But buddy I'll tell you you got a you got a hot day up there Sunday 50 degrees

and sunny. Wow nice yeah but no I just feel bad I'm not getting into nature I guess there's a there's a hot springs they might take me to on Saturday. So I might go to that. All right. I like that sound. Yeah. And what's going on with you? What's, do you watch the game last night? All right. So Dennis invites me over, right? So I know people hate us talking about sports. They might not hate this one, even though I'm not good with names or anything like that. But so Dallas is favored to beat the New York Giants.

By the way, they've beaten them 13 years in a row. They're favored to beat the New York Giants by five and a half. OK, so we're watching the game around halfway through the game. All of a sudden, Dallas, Dallas goes for it midfield. And Dennis is like, yeah, that's because their kickers so good. I'm like, what? I'm like, wait a minute. There's not if they don't make this. There's no way that guy's going to kick this field goal. And so sure enough, they don't make it.

Field goal guy comes out. It's it's 60 yards, 60 yard field goal. And we're doing little side bets on the table. Wait, the Giants kicker? No, Dallas. Oh, yeah. He's the best kicker in the league. I did not know that. So Dennis goes, yeah, I'll bet a dollar he makes it. I'm like, even odds on a 60. I'm like, sure, I'll take your money. The guy just drills it. No one, even Al Michaels is not even that impressed. He's like, whoosh right through. Okay, so gets to the end of the game. Dallas then gets the ball. They're up by five because of how uncanny the odds are, right? They are giving away five and a

half. I have Dallas, Dennis has Giants. So I need them to score or I lose because they're at five. And then sure enough, it works out to where, all right, there's like five seconds on the clock and that was their third down, they didn't get first. Bring out the kicker for a, I don't know, 38 yard field goal, like a gimme. Yeah. Al Michaels literally goes, well, this field goal means a lot to a lot of people, if you know what I mean.

And then the other announcer laughs and goes, yep, if you know what we mean, a lot of people are watching. Like this kick is very good news. It's assumed he's going to make it. Because you got to cover the half a point. I got to cover the half a point. And they both joke because there's still that little agreement that they're not going to talk about betting or recognize the point spread line.

But they both laugh like, well, this this has turned out well for a bunch of people out there. And the guy lines up and it looked like he tried to miss it. He just aimed right and nailed it. No shit. Really? Missed wide right. Whoa. And Dennis had already paid me the $10 he owed me and then grabbed it out of my hands.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's amazing. But I don't know, like I know there's one guy on Instagram who just talks about bad beats, and he's so funny, especially around Kansas City and how protected they are. And he's like, would you look at this? I can't even believe it. The line is three.

And that's how he talks about his bad beats. I felt like that guy. And I'm sure he's going crazy over this one. Well, I went crazy last weekend on Sunday. I'm in a suicide pool. So if people don't know what that is, you basically pick one team a week every week. You can't pick the same team twice.

If they win, you stay in. If they lose, you're out. Suicide pool. So I've won it twice. I've been in it for about 12 years. I've won it twice. You always do very well. There's about 200 people in the pool. So've been in it for about 12 years. I've won it twice. And there's about- You always do very well. There's about 200 people in the pool.

So this week it's down to, I don't know if you know this, but there's been crazy upsets this season. So going into week three, which was last weekend, I had three of my four picks left, but meanwhile two thirds of the pool was completely out. So I'm in great shape. And then I fucking lost all three. The pool is now down to nine people out of it. There was like 250 people this year and in week three, it's down to nine. Like it's never been like that before. Right. I think the Jets were a spoiler, weren't they?

Yep. You don't bet on New York though. No, it's actually one of my games I lost this week. I broke my rule and I bet on Cleveland and the Giants beat them. Oh man. Yep. Wait, let's see.

Who did the Jets for Thursday night? I did very well, so, you know, bet, uh, MGM has that betting app that's not legal in California, but it is in Tennessee. I won five out of eight bets. But I'll tell you what, the whole country's gonna go broke. I mean, no doubt about it. Because you chase bad money, you do live bets, you can bet any second of the game you want.

But you know, game time is a good... All right, let's get to our logo this week. Fuck, I didn't write it down. But it's actually a logo that they did not design. They forwarded it to me. It was one of the guys from the band Blondie made this logo. So even though one of those guys from the band Blondie made this logo. So even though one of those guys looks like you

and one looks like me a little bit, that's the Blondie. Do you remember the album Parallel Lines? Fucking amazing Blondie album. So they put that in there. The song this week, amazing. DJ Seaweed always comes up big. You didn't send it to me. Oh, fuck. All right. DJ Seaweed always comes up big. You didn't send it to me.

Oh, fuck. All right. DJ Seaweed, in all fairness, haven't given it a listen yet. Can't wait to hear it. All right. Can't wait. You'll love it. And again, always listen to the end of the show.

You can hear the entire song instead of just the snippet we put in. A couple of corrections. Megan from New Jizee, out of context, yes, it sounded over the top as listener response to the cartoon of the bathroom scene between woman and two dogs is the caption contest. But I believe my fellow Sunday Papers fan may have been alluding to the toilet baby

as a plot device cultural phenomenon within the hilarious and absurd world of Danny McBride's righteous gemstones. Let me know if you need my mom's max login. That's nice. By the way, I have to do righteous gemstones. Oh, so good. I know. What am I doing? I love all those people. I'll tell you what, Vice Principals is just as good. It's the same two guys. Yep. Also HBO show. John Park said the pod seems to be weird. Did AI edit it? Felt like a turntable that would speed up and slow down. I got that comment from four or five

people. So what do they mean? Um, I think it's us. Maybe it's actually very human, not AI. It's us on our drugs. That's right. My, uh, my Ritalin sometimes pauses. Now, I think it might've been the, the, the zoom freezing. That wouldn't make sense for the audio though. No, it does. I've seen where zoom catches up. No, but where, but the audio is zoom. Unless you're talking about the screen. True. I don't know.

All right, we're gonna ask john. Chris Denman has given up on us entirely. He doesn't he does. Not only does he not join the show, I I text him Are you gonna be around? And he does any. He used to love this show. I don't reach out to him, not me. Sounds like we're very hip. We're like a turntable that speeds up and slows down. You mean scratching? Yes.

I'm from the Bronx, that checks. Greg's dad's from the Bronx. That's right, I'm from the Bronx. I lived there till I was about seven. You can hear my accent. All right. Nathan said you were right with the name Walter when you were talking to Rashad. Oh, this is from my podcast. Oh, good comment. I know this is on Sunday papers and this correction was to actually say you were correct. One one this funny fat fattest guy. Guinness Book of World Records,

fattest guy, can you remember his name? Walter. Walter what? Walter... Poundage. Hudson, you don't remember that? Didn't you used to read the Guinness Book of World Records and he was buried in a piano case, they said.

My attention was always stolen by the two fat twins on motorcycles. On motorcycles, on minibikes, yeah. Well, were they? Yeah, right. And then we got some tour dates coming up, busy year. Oh, by the way, before you get that, remind me, motorcycles reminded me of it.

Oh, boy. Remember, I sent you and Aaron up into the Malibu Mounds. Yeah. Great ride. Dude, there is a roadhouse and coffee shop, which is also like a wine. Like there's a lot of girls roséing all day there. But like in this small road up by Mulholland, you wouldn't believe the like weekend scene there. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll tell you exactly where it is. All right.

I will be coming to Tulsa. We were in Tulsa last year, seeing Springsteen. So I'm gonna be back. I'm gonna go to the Bob Dylan Museum again. That's October 10th to the 12th at Brick Town. Kansas City at the Funny Bone, October 18, 19. Helium in Philly, November 7th to the 9th, that one always sells out, get your tickets in advance,

Tacoma, Tempe, San Francisco, Cleveland, Janesville, Wisconsin, Nyack, New York, Raleigh, Milwaukee, all at fitsdog.com, get some tickets. And by the way, don't forget, if you haven't seen the special, you know me, we just hit 370,000 views. It's still growing, I know. Hey, we should also tell them about the New York Post.

What? Shouldn't we send them to that link? I'm gonna find it right now. Oh yeah, the New York Post was reached out to us. We developed kind of an internet, what do you call it? A segment? Yeah, it was going to be a little segment on NewYorkPost.com and we taped, it's very, very similar to this.

They approached us because they liked this. Let me find it now. If you go to FitzDog.com, I'm gonna have the link on that if you wanna watch it, or just search SundayPapersNewYorkPost.com maybe? I don't know. What I did is I put NY Post and Gibbons, and it popped up. And the title is,

Comedians Take a Stab at Diddy and More. And the name of it is Headliners. Headliners, okay, check it out. And we've been bad, it's been up there a month, but no one, it's very hard to find unless you're that specific on the search. Yeah, so go watch it, and then maybe they'll pick it up to a series.

That would be nice. Go watch it and tell them they'll pick it up to a series. That would be nice. Go watch it and tell them, oh, I need to see this every week. Yeah. The support from Sunday Papers comes from Ground News, which is, if you want to check it out, groundnews.com slash SP. I like this.

Get 40% off the Vantage plan. It's kind of perfect for Sunday papers. We're like a show that tries to present, we really do. We try to present politically neutral, a little bit of both sides. Sometimes we get criticized because we are, it's pretty obvious we're Democrats, but we don't lean on that.

We don't wanna make it uncomfortable for somebody that doesn't agree with us. And so anyway, ground News does kind of that. It lets you go on a site that gives you all sides. So you're not stuck in your echo chamber. Nobody trusts the media anymore. So this website lets you gather related articles about the same thing. and then it gives them

rankings on which direction they lean in, and also where the news source comes from. That newspaper or that website, are they financed internationally? Are they financed independently? Is it, you know, corporate? I mean, you got to see the main thing is find out where your news is coming from. Yeah. Did you? So I found an example of a story and they showed you the same story left, center, right. And so the left was Dick Cheney says he's voting for Harris in November and Trump can never be trusted with power again. The center, as you might imagine, the center goes former vice president Dick Cheney to vote for Kamala Harris. And then the right was architect of war. Dick Cheney endorses Kamala for president.

It should have been architect for war Dick Cheney endorses allegedly black Kamala. Yeah right. Now there was one I found one talking about Kamala going to the border and this one came from it's called The Straight Times, and it is owned by a media conglomerate, Singapore based. They even tell you that. And the story says, Vice President Kamala Harris will visit the US-Mexico border for the first time.

For the first time in her presidential campaign on September 27th, as her Republican opponent opponent Donald Trump doubles down on the message that immigrants pose a danger to America. Ms. Harris, a Democrat, is visiting a border town of fewer than 17,000 people with a message ripped from Trump's playbook, hoping to sell voters on ways she can. All right. And then the other one called the alternate independent, it presents the same story, but they kind of come down on Trump. So you just see the discrepancies

on how things are presented. You can input topics that you wanna see in your newsfeed, you can sort of craft it. But at the same time, every article is sort of stamped with all the different gradations of who it represents. Yeah, it's sort of like the old follow the money. Follow the money. You want to know the self-interest of the media outlet that you're reading?

This one does that work for you. Ground News is a perfect sponsor for Sunday Papers to help us share our stories with you. Go to groundnews.com.sp to get 40% off the Ground News Vantage Plan, which will unlock access to all their news analysis features. I think Ground News is doing important work. I hope you'll check them out. That's ground, G-R-O-U-N-D.news forward slash S-P. Also support from Sunday Papers comes from Mint Mobile. Oh. Oh yeah.

Finally an answer to the phone problem. Like I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not gonna sit on hold for 35 minutes while one of the major, I don't know if I'm allowed to say them, the competitors, they get you on the phone and then they start piping in their commercial about how our new 5G network is the best thing

that ever happened to you. You can't get it anywhere else. Well, guess what? You can. It's easy. This is easy. 15 bucks a month. With the purchase of a three month plan.

And I kind of called them on it. I wanted to see if this was real. So I went on and I got it. There's no hoops, there's no BS. It's so easy to get. The longest part of the process was the time I spent on a hold waiting to break up with my, I'm not gonna say the name of the company.

The website is amazing. Activation is a piece of cake. I did the whole thing in literally like 20 minutes. To get started, go to mintmobile.com slash papers. There you'll see that right now, all three month plans are only $15 a month, including the unlimited plan. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk

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Speed slow within 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply to you Mint Mobile for details. You did that very well. It's almost like my father did this for a living. Imagine. All right, I got a piece of paper, y'all. That's Crinkle It.

Front page. Extra, extra, we are the father, extra. Okay, look what you put in here. Well, we're both from New York, so I thought this would be interesting. Mayor Eric Adams took bribes, including, this is New York City's mayor, including $123 in free flights

and other ritzy perks from foreign nationals in exchange for favors. The historic five count indictment, the first against a sitting New York City mayor, details an alleged decades-old pattern of corruption that includes obtaining 10 million dollars in public campaign funds. So basically you got it from wealthy foreign business people at a Turkish government official seeking to gain

influence Turkish he's a New York City mayor take money from Turkey are they people at a Turkish government official seeking to gain influence. Turkish. He's a New York City neighbor. Take money from Turkey. Are they looking for better positions on the line for their Uber drivers at LaGuardia? What what's the juice? They're trying. This is the Turkish Uber drivers, Greg.

There's a lot of Turkish Uber drivers, and then they take you to get a falafel on the way back in Port Washington, Long Island. I don't think it's a lot of Turkish Uber drivers. And then they take you to get a falafel on the way back in Port Washington, Long Island. I don't think it's a coincidence. Last week we did a story on New York City having the most rats of any city. Bingo. Yeah. This guy is a rat. Get him out.

I fear, you know, my only fear about this story is that this is an intentional distraction from him because no one's talking about what an idiot he is anymore. Now they're just talking about him as a criminal. He is one of the most, I mean, here's the thing about being a New York city mayor. You are hated by so many loved by some. It's a ruthless job. And this guy was not popular. Yeah. But you know, how do you do it? How do you do it? You're in the public eye and you're taking, I mean,

it's just like you look at Clarence Thomas, and not to point at another plot, that sounded racist. I mean, there's a lot of people that are on the hook with people, but I just don't understand. Aren't you gonna make money out of office? You're gonna write a book? You're gonna do lectures? You're gonna make your money?

You don't need to take it from fucking Turkey. The bar has been so lowered. The amount of money that Trump makes and when he puts up the like the secret service in his who the conflicts of interest are just crazy. He charges the top rate to put up government employees and he constantly does that stuff. And it's like, there used to be with both Democrats and Republicans.

No, the Clintons go out and they do speak, they speak in front, they get paid a million dollars by a bank and then they go in and they, you know they speak in front, they get paid a million dollars by a bank and then they go in and they, you know, vote, they put in legislation. I know, and it used to be like, you would be shamed. Yeah. And you would, you had a fear of being shamed

and maybe that's hopefully you were virtuous and that's why you didn't do it. But otherwise you had this fear of being shamed and that would stop you on both the left and the right. And like, that's why you didn't do it. But otherwise you had this fear of being shamed and that would stop you on both the left and the right. And like that's gone. Yep. Listen. Helene, now weakened to a tropical storm

as it barreled through the South. Remember it was only women's names, hurricanes. And then I think now they switch from men to women. I think they did. Yeah, no, they definitely did. But no, I remember there was a hurricane Bob back in like the 90s or 80s. I remember that one. But so I did hear a funny story that this woman, you could tell she's like, look, the

rain has started. So she was at a wedding that was being canceled and it was her friend getting married. And Helene was the name of the groom's ex-wife. Yeah, I think it tell you to have a joke. Like they named them after women because at the end of it you lose your house and you're standing naked in your driveway going, what just happened?

It's barreled through the southeast of Florida, still has enough power to inflict historic flooding across many states. Power outages for millions, 22 people are dead so far. Oh we're going to do a Florida man story, let's just say his house quite flooded. We're going to do a Florida man story. Let's just say his house quite flooded. The Taylor County Sheriff has a grim warning for residents who have chosen to ignore evacuation orders. Mark yourself with your information so officials can identify you later. He said take a black magic marker, write your name, your social security number on your

arm. Here's the thing. Florida is home to a lot of Holocaust survivors. Not cool to ask them to write a number on their arm to be identified by. Plus they already got one. They already got one. Why are you having them do it? It's only going to confuse things. Just use the, just use it. How lucky are you that this took place in Florida? Just use the numbers that are on it. It's like a QVC thing. You just scan it. And then the other part of Florida are all these rednecks with tattoos and it's always like the day that their brother died in an alligator incident.

And so they've got all those numbers. Yeah. It's no, it's crazy. I mean, the real message that Florida is getting a big message. The Floridians get out. This is the end of time stuff. Listen to this part. Where is it?

Where did I put it in? In a newscast Thursday, a reporter cited reports of alligators swimming through some flooded streets and warned people not to venture out into the floodwaters. Yeah, I mean, there's so many of them. And hold on, I'm reading this. Yeah, they had pictures of these alligators in the street outside of homes.

And by the way, they're not that far away to begin with. They've just moved in a little bit. Look, I'm opposed to high capacity assault rifles, I'll just say that, except in Florida. They should be allowed to have fucking tanks, grenade launchers, the shit they're dealing with down there, hazmat suits. And it's early in the season.

I mean, aren't they all lining up now? What, the hurricanes? Yes. No, this is about time. This is when it usually happens. Oh no, oh no, October I think is peak, I think. Oh really? Oh, I thought it was like late August.

I'm gonna Google that right now. I mean, my mom lives on the East Coast and she's in Jupiter, which is about 20 minutes north of where your father lives in West Palm, and they are in the crosshairs. Half the storms come from the west coast into what they call the panhandle, and then the other half come straight at Jupiter, Florida, right at my mom, and then they always, thank God, at the last, it always veers off and goes north. So she hasn't gotten to hit that hard yet, but she's on the ground floor of her apartment and it faces the ocean.

September you're right. September is the busiest. But it's the middle. There's three months. It's August, September, October. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, here we are. Um, it wasn't bad. You want to read about SpaceX? Yeah. So, yeah, here we are. Speaking of Florida, you want to read about SpaceX? What did your mom say about the, she was down there during this? No, she's on the East Coast, so it wasn't hitting her, but I call my god.

No, no, but I mean, my dad was sunny, but then the rains came, and they were worried about maybe power outages on the East Coast, but I don't think it ever happened. My godmother, who I love very much and she's on an oxygen thing and she's got a fucking one of those strollers she's got to push around. Anyway, her house got annihilated.

She lives above Tampa. Oh, yes. So last year, or was it two years ago? When was the big hurricane? Was it two years ago? She got annihilated, like the roof, everything. And so she had to like partially rebuild her house. So I called her yesterday and she said that they just have heavy rain and wind and she thinks it's going to pass. It's going to Tallahassee, which I guess is about an hour and a half north of her. So she should be okay.

No, no, it already went through Tallahassee and now it's really messing up Georgia and North Carolina, but it's also heading to Tennessee. Damn. That's the latest target. Yeah, and they just went through really bad flooding in parts of Georgia. So this is not good news at all.

Hurricanes don't like the red states. They don't. They don't. Let's redo some SpaceX. SpaceX's Crew-9 mission to rescue stranded astronauts launches tomorrow. So I was with Gelbens this morning and he's like, how come you guys aren't talking about the stranded astronauts? So I'm like, all right. And it't talking about the stranded astronauts? So I'm like, all right. And it's, it's very topical now because the crew nine mission was initially

scheduled for a mid August launch, but was delayed by a month to allow more time for analyzing issues with Boeing's starliner aircraft. But I mean, how dare they question Boeing's reliability? What morons, even then, even the name Boeing is like the sound effect for something breaking like boing. Boing. Boing. There you go. There's our clip for this week. The departure date was further postponed this week due to Tropical Storm Helene.

Like these guys. So these stranded astronauts are up there and they keep reading the news about all these delays to come up and get them. So the crew nine mission has been replanned to bring home the astronauts. The duo has been stranded in space for several months after their Boeing Starliner, another Boeing,

experienced helium leaks and issues with its reaction control thrusters. Well, at least there's helium in the cockpit, they're having a few laughs. Yeah. NASA deemed it too risky for them to return by the same capsule, extending their eight day mission to over eight months,

eight days to eight months. When my stay, when my stay goes a day over, like when I go to Nashville or whatever, or when I'm in like Michigan in a hotel, I'm washing my underwear in the sink and blow drying it. That's what happens to me. Yeah, right. This is like the Gilligan's Island of Space

on a day tour. Totally. But also like, I think I mentioned this on the show, but when I hear about how long it takes, by the way, SpaceX had to step in because NASA, NASA, NASA, NASA couldn't fucking do it. They were saying it was going to take them a year to put it together. NASA couldn't fucking do it. They were saying it was going to take them a year to put it together. Didn't they put together the space program in the 60s?

Like in 1969 was the first flight up to the moon. They planned it in like two years. This was no computers. This was no, do they use nuclear power at all? No, it's probably all gas, right? But I're talking, I had a 1969 car, I had a 69 Bel Air, that thing fucking broke down every other day. They launched something to space where you had to literally get in sync

with the moon's gravitational pull to get spun around, to get the velocity to come back to earth. And at one point, they got into it, and somebody hit the wrong button on the keyboard, and they fell out of the moon's gravitational force. They literally could have floated... This is in 69. Could have floated into space. They manually adjusted it and saved the fucking...

I mean, it's insane what they did. And now we with all our technology, I mean, there's more space on a fucking zip drive now than they had in the more smart computer technology in a laptop now than they had in those entire spaceships back then. No, I'm looking up like the calculator was not like mainstream at all even, I don't think. I might have that wrong. I thought, I thought.

No, they had an abacus. I remember there was a space abacus. Well now I'm looking up and it says the first commercially successful adding machine was 1886. But I thought NASA had something to do, maybe when it's getting it like a mainstream, kind of like a home calculator. I think they did Tang. I think Tang was the big thing to come out of the space program. They used the HP-41C pocket calculator. It was used in nine space shuttle missions

in the eighties. How about that? That's hilarious. Yeah. Um, look, dude, you can spell shell oil if you put it upside down. This is your California governor. Yeah, Gavin Newsom signed a slate of bills today aimed at beginning the process of reparations for black descendants of enslaved people, including a measure that requires the state to apologize for perpetuating slavery. They're also going to display a plaque on the state Capitol that includes the following. The state of California apologizes for perpetuating the harms African Americans faced by having imbued. Now they're back to African Americans.

That's what I mean. I think this plaque is going to have to be updated like 60 times. Yes. Yeah, they should leave that part magnetic. Having imbued racial prejudices through segregation, public and private discrimination, and unequal dispersal of state and federal funding and declares that such actions shall not be repeated. Now, do you think the right media is going to bring this up in any way? Do you think the gut-felded writers have cleared their desks for this story? Well, yeah, they're going to be like, here comes the loudest

virtue signaling ever. Yeah. And I, it kind of is a little like California is doing this, like, what, what does the exact thing say? It perpetuating the harms of African men. And it's like, meanwhile, it's like, uh, elbow, elbow, Alabama and Mississippi. What do you have to say about it? Yeah.

I mean, look, in the end, why get upset about it? What are we doing here? You know? So there's an apology that's gonna mean a lot to a certain group of people, and it's no fucking skin off your back if you don't agree with this, if you do think it's virtual saying, okay, so it is like, why get,

why get upset about it? Why will it get into the news as like, what the fuck is wrong with California? I mean, you know, the queen apologized, the queen of England apologized to Ireland. Did you know that queen Elizabeth? I did know that. Yes. It was kind of a shitty half-assed apology, but it was in Africa, South Africa, obviously, the clerk apologized about apartheid. You know, New Jersey apologized to New York for all those guidos that came in for the

weekends. You know, slavery was never legal in California. So like, to do this, I think it is a big like, you know, elbow elbow to to other famously famous states, yeah, states are infamous for their slavery. A mother was hauled out of Disney California Adventure Park alongside her hysterical children. When did you put the did you just put this in?

No, it's been in. Oh, all right, go ahead. Hold read after she tried passing the kids off as toddlers so they could sneak into the park for free. The mother was then surrounded by Disney security and let out in handcuffs. Her two young daughters are seen holding onto their mother, bawling and shouting help in Spanish. Help. Oh, help. Oh, yes, clearly. Getting arrested at the happiest place on earth. Uh, by the way,

a one day pass to Disneyland is $104. That's where it starts. Oh no, then you gotta pay another 65 to get into the other park. That's the Park Hopper Pass. And then of course you gotta buy the Fast Pass, which I think is probably like another 50 bucks. And if you don't buy it, you're going on two rides

the whole fucking day. You're just standing online, watching the people that have more money go right past you. Jeez. And then, okay, parking, that's probably going to be 25 bucks. Then you got to buy a hot dog for 16 bucks. Of course, you're going to sneak your kid. My mom used to sneak us into movies, subways, everything. It's the American culture.

into movies, subways, everything. It's the American culture. Was it a little embarrassing that these daughters were crying, holding on, or when they're 21 years old each? Ha ha ha ha ha. It seems a little overkill. I thought that they should be actually arrested by cops that are dressed as, I looked this up, there are Disney cops.

There's Officer Carmody, who was from the ugly Doxound, Doxand? Doxand, yeah. There was Officer Judy Hopps, who was a bunny from the movie Zootopia. And there was Chief Bogo from Zootopia Police Department. So he's an African Buffalo police officer. They should be the ones dragging them out.

Your poor laptop. Compare this to the searches that you're normally doing in there on despicable websites, and then you have this. Ex-Hamster. That's my, if we can have another sponsor for the show, I'm gonna go Ex-Hamster. Oh my God.

The categories they give you, it's crazy. Like, people are very into old people lately. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, also a lot of comedians have talked about this. What is up with the incest? It's everywhere. They repurposed clips and now are claiming that they're brother and sister and that they're I

mean, forget the stepmother category. Stepmother I get but sister and brother that is really weird. I could see friends of your sister. There's also mom son not only not just stepmom. There's also mom son, not only not just step mom. There's lots of it. It's like it's it's kind of I don't know what's going on there. I had a friend who used to have sex with his first cousin for four years, like when they were in their 20s.

Well, with protection, hopefully. I would imagine. Yeah. There we go entertainment. What is this story? I love that sometimes I bring something up and you just go, I'm not touching that. Let's just move on. Well, I mean, I'm spending a lot of time in Tennessee.

I think I'm surrounded by it. Entertainment. Police are investigating in the wake of a swatting incident. You know what swatting is? Isn't that where you hit someone? No, it's when you call the police. Oh, because the SWAT team goes in. Yeah, the SWAT team goes in.

You do it to people. You make them, So anyway, Jennifer Aniston's home was SWATed in LA. They got a concerning phone call that led them to make a welfare check and they said they got a call from someone allegedly concerned about their friend saying they were not doing well and alluding to depression. Police noted that this was when they realized whose house they were at and soon after they spoke with Anniston, checked on her well-being. The 55 year old clarified that she was fine. They said when she came to

the door her face did not look surprised. They said it didn't actually move at all. So it's so hard to tell. No her reaction. And I wonder if the cops just instinctively went around the house and checked the hot tub first. Listen, and she had explained we're fine. We're on a break. We're on a break. Isn't that one of the famous friends lines? Oh, I wouldn't know. I watched nine minutes of that show in my entire life. Yeah. The swatting is, I wonder how they can double check this swatting, like, before they, why wouldn't,

there's probably nonstop swatting calls. Well, she's got security. She probably has two or three people at the house at any given time that the police could reach out to. That's a good point too. All right, so this Diddy stuff, it's really heating up. Are you seeing it on your feed? No.

Oh my God, the Bieber stuff, and then I heard these lyrics where he talks about going to a Diddy party, this is Justin Bieber singing, and then, anyway. Oh, the interview with him I've seen, that's creepy as shit. Where he says he's about to spend 24 hours with Diddy, and he knows how to throw a party, and I'm in his control, I do whatever he wants me to do.

No, it's really bad. And all these clips are being like, unsurfaced, and like Howard Stern's interview with Usher. But there's one conspiracy theory. What about cat Williams? Have you seen he talked about him like a year before this happened? He said 2024 is going to be the year where it all comes out. So anyway, there's going to be a lot of collateral damage.

And I was reading about how terrified Jay-Z and Beyonce are. Now then I was exposed to this conspiracy theory I'd never heard of. So there's this woman, Kathy White, and allegedly she was Jay-Z's side piece and allegedly she was pregnant. And this was the same month that Beyonce was announcing her first pregnancy. And so the conspiracy theory is that they were dating, didn't want it to get out. She was about to do an interview. And I think say, and again, it's all allegedly that she was Jay-Z's a side piece and that was pregnant with his child and what is true is in her apartment in New York City and

she was successful I think she was a publicist she was 29 years old and she right around that week of the interview was found dead in her apartment. No. Alone. And what I can dig up, and I haven't tried very hard, but is they eventually called it an aneurysm. Did they confirm that she was pregnant? I can't find that. I mean, that obvious, obviously they did an autopsy.

A 29 year old is just dead in her apartment. And, um, Oh my God. But I am reminded of the Gary Shanley line when Robert Blake wanted, really wanted his wife like dead, like had said so. And then terrible marriage really needs her to go away. He goes in a restaurant comes back out and someone murdered her in the car in the alley and Shannon goes, no one is that lucky. And it's like, if any of this were true, if she were pregnant or even if she was just

going to go public being his side piece and all this, And then a healthy 29 year old gets in, I mean what are the odds against an aneurysm and a healthy 29 year old? I think they are crazy slim. I think aneurysm is the one that is the most easy to get away with. Causing an aneurysm because there's ways of causing it without it being traceable. And one of them is actually listening to Jay-Z's music for too long. Is that what it is? So listen, I doubt it's true, but it is juicy, and I'm wondering if any listeners have any info on this. Okay, write us at FitsDogRadio at gmail.com. Speaking of crazy, during an appearance on Tucker Carlson's cross country tour, Roseanne Barr insisted the Democrats quote, eat babies, love the taste of human flesh and they drink

human blood. This is not bullshit. It's true. Carlson treated the insane comments as valid. He invoked another conspiracy theory. This one about Haitian migrants in Ohio cracking. So it's not just the dogs and cats, not just the pets. Right. I could read her whole rant, but it's just crazy. It's, you know, she does spots at the, she lives in Austin and she comes down

to the mothership sometime I last time I was a town. I saw her go up dude. She was a good comic she Tanked it. Wow Brutal she even came off and she was in the green room going like oh my god What'd you say she just all she does is smoke pot like tons of pot and she's out of her mind She was living in Hawaii, right? For a while, like almost off the grid. I'll be honest.

She was never a great comic. She did a couple of hot sets on the Tonight Show and then she got her sitcom. She never really was like a road warrior. She was never doing hours on the road week after week. She never got that good. I think she just had a great voice. I think she is naturally very funny,

but she doesn't go down in the lexicon of great comics as far as I'm concerned. No, but she burst onto the standup scene with the domestic goddess persona, and it was culturally a big sort you know, sort of event. And it was like- I never burst on the scene, but I've sort of leaked into the scene.

Yeah. You've bled into the scene. Slow bleeding. All right, it's time to make America Florida. Here we go. ["America Florida"] Florida, here we go. All right. Florida man paddles around Tampa home as Helene storm surge floods living room.

Do you see the picture I put in there of him? Oh my God. He's in a kayak. Stunning home camera video captured Matt Heller paddling around his flooded Tampa living room in a kayak that he intended to use as an escape plan as Hurricane Helene's historic storm surge came out of nowhere. Yeah, nobody knew about this sneaky little hurricane with all its animated pads showing it going right to your home. How could they... Even if you're not watching the news, your phone was lighting up with messages from your, from your fucking governor telling you to get out.

It came out of nowhere. Uh, he sat in the purple and white kayak that he had nearby for an emergency situation and began paddling around his home, which still had its lights on. Wow. Quote, I was floating around. I was surprised the power stayed on for as long as it did. Yeah, I couldn't believe it. I just kept toasting waffles and using the blow dryer

to dry my kayak. I mean, so the picture Greg and I can see, I'd say the water is half up the walls of this room and every light is on in the room. And he's smiling. He's having a good time. I mean, no fear. By the way, you're not going to go hit the switch and at least turn it off or kill the

power yourself somehow. Do you want to live in a state where you need a kayak in your living room just in case? When you have a pool, when you have a pool slide attached to your roof, that's when you know maybe it's time to move a little north. I mean, Florida couldn't insure any, they stopped insuring homes, like this is just the nail in the coffin.

Yeah, they dropped my mom's insurance. It's crazy. All right, so now we're gonna make New York, Florida. We've never done this. Okay Okay, Mount Kisco, New York 2.45 a.m. On a Saturday last Saturday a man at a bar does the right thing Greg He decides that he drank too much and he cannot drive right thing, Greg. He decides that he drank too much and he cannot drive. So he calls, calls and wakes up his buddy and asks him to come pick him up. But he is super solid, says yes.

On his way to pick him up, the police pull over the buddy who blows a point one eight and is arrested for DUI. It's perfect. It's so crazy. Yeah, he was driving erratically apparently and someone called the police and said there's a dude because he had run a red light. He was steering all he was just all swerving all over the place And just to put in perspective in New York a blood alcohol a blood alcohol content of more than point 05 is legal evidence that you're impaired a

BAC of point oh eight or higher is evidence of intoxication and a BAC which is what he had of point one eight is evidence of quote, aggravated driving while intoxicated. I think I'd be more aggravated if I was being run off the road by this guy. He was more aggravated when he got the call, I think. Yeah, I mean, this is like therapists that go treat treat that go to other therapists to talk about their problems Yeah, it is like that luckily they're luckily their friend showed up at jail to bail them out But then he was locked up on an outstanding warrant

That's exactly what it's like That call must have been like dude. I don't think it's like, I'm drunker than you are. They probably had to figure out who was drunker. Yeah. Well, so the other guy's still drunk at the bar waiting for his friend to show up. Yeah. Cursing him like crazy. Oh my God. He was aggravated. All right. Now we're on the sports. Nine members of the Tufts University men's lacrosse team were hospitalized this month with the rare muscular injury rhabdomyolysis.

The players became unwell after a voluntary supervised 45 minute workout led by a university alumni who graduated recently from the Buds Navy SEAL training program. Nine of them were hospitalized. It's a condition where muscles break down and leak their components into the bloodstream. It can cause damage to the kidneys and other organs. It could be lethal.

In an unrelated story, there were no reported cases of rape on campus this week. Ah, lacrosse teams are dropping the ball. Jesus. They were innocent at Duke, by the way. They were, I know. It was a cheap joke, but I took it. I think this show,

I was thinking about what this show is the other day and I think it's basically two guys half understanding the news and then making jokes about low, low hanging fruit. That's basically what it is. We should change it to, yeah, what were the low hanging fruit? Yeah. Papers. Um, by the way, can we get some Navy SEALs training in the WNBA this month? We sent a couple of those guys over. Think about this guy. He must have, he couldn't wait to torture them. Yeah. 50 players participated.

Wow. Yeah. It's not like he just went to some like lazy frat. I mean, these guys are like college lacrosse players. Yeah. That must have been some workout. Well, yeah, those Navy Seals, man, it's no joke what they go through. It's really intense. My nephew went through it. He was in the buds and he made it through six months of being tortured. And then in the last week, they call it hell week, he got knocked out because he was three seconds too long on an open ocean swim. And that was it.

I mean, they got to lay upside down and backwards in the waves as they crash over them, as somebody holds their legs down and freezing cold water, and then they got to carry logs with another guy on their shoulders through the sand. It's brutal. That is brutal. Well, there was good news with this story, though. The lacrosse team killed six terrorists during the workout.

Oh, well, that's good. Yeah, it worked out. All right, let's move down to this day in history. Here we go, I got that. Oh man, it was Slim Pickens. Let's just say it was this week in history. I had to go a couple of days ahead to get some juicy ones. Okay, American actor James Dean who became a symbol of the confused, restless and idealistic youth of the 50s died in an

automobile crash as he drove to a car rally in Salinas, California. What year did this happen give or take three years rebel without a cause giant and what was is a he only made three movies and they were made I think they were made in 1950 or so I'm gonna say 55 it is exactly 55 no yes nice American baseball player Babe Ruth became the first player to hit 60 home runs in a single season his record stood until Roger Maris hit 61. And then I'm not even going to tell you that year, but what year, give or take? I want to get, I don't think you're good at this. I'm going to give or take 10 years. What year did Babe Ruth become the first player to hit 60 home runs?

Well, Babe Ruth pops up a lot in our This Day in History, so I have some sense. I'm gonna say 1933. Wrong, 27. Now do you know when- How many years did you give me? Did I give you 10? I think you gave me eight years, so yeah, I scored.

I don't even know, all right, I guess you did. That's pathetic. Yeah, you pitied me think you gave me eight years. So yeah, I scored. I don't even know. All right. I guess you did. That's pathetic. Yeah, you pitied me and you gave me eight years. I thought I'd be all right. Roger Maris. Do you know what year he had 61 home runs? Roger Maris.

I'm going to say how many years you've given me? Four. 1956. I love it. 1961. Shiiiit. 61 and 61. That's how you do that one. Okay. Um, let's see now. What else do I got here? My daughter's my daughter. My sister's 55 today. Congratulations, Deirdre. Happy birthday you know sisters went to high school together they sure did the opera the magic flute by Mozart premiered in Vienna on this day give or take 50 years. What year? I have no fucking idea. Did Mozart's Magic Flute hit the scene?

1740. You missed. 1791, you missed by one year. I love that. Uh... All right, this is a sad one. Remember the Las Vegas shooting, right? Yeah.

At the music festival. Oh, my God. 58 people died. But this is what, like, the last 10 years has been. It's a bit blurry with everything that happened. So, do you remember what year this happened? but like the last 10 years has been. It's a bit blurry with everything that happened. So do you remember what year this happened? The shooting in Vegas, I'm gonna say, it wasn't that long ago.

I'm gonna say give or take, I'm gonna give you two years, which is a five year window. All right, I'm gonna say that didn't happen long ago. 2017. It happened exactly that year. It didn't happen long ago, 2017? It happened exactly that year. Nice. God, it seems more recent, but then that was pre-COVID and everything.

Let's see if you know this one, and then we're... Oh, that's an interesting one. How about this? Johnny Carson began hosting the Tonight Show on this date in what year, give or take, four years. That's easy. Jack Parr, he was after Jack Parr, who did it for like fucking 30 years or something. So you go back, it probably started in 1940. No, he didn't host it for that long. What am I saying? By the way, Jack Parr, but then what about what's his name? The other guy, uh, oh yeah, he used to read the lyrics and Letterman took so much from him. Yeah. I'm gonna say 1960.

Good for you, 1962. Nice. Wow, I really can't, no. I'm on fire today. I think I only missed one and it was by one year. No, and I missed Mozart. Steve Allen. I missed two. Steve Allen. Who yeah, Letterman pointed to as being the greatest

that ever did it, stole a lot of stuff from him. Yeah, almost like tribute still in them. Steve Allen wrote a couple of really good books. Oh, nice. All right, sadly we got to move on to the obituary. All right, let's move on. And that's all folks. Sadly, we got to move on to the other. Let's move on.

And that's all folks. One of the greats died of stage and film. Maggie Smith, a lot of you know her from Downton Abbey and Harry Potter. She has two Oscars, three Emmys and countless stage awards to her credit. She died Friday in London. She was 89 years old.

My story was, uh, well, there's also a funny side story, but my dad didn't want to go to this play. And my stepmother said, why don't you come with me to this play? It's supposed to be the best play like this season. And sure enough, Maggie Smith won the, uh, uh, Tony award for it. It was called lettuce and lovage. And it was, I then learned today, reading her obituary, it was written for her. It was written with her in mind and it's this castle and she's a

tour guide who doesn't know what she's talking about. And she makes up stuff on the tour anyway I just remember dying laughing the whole time but here's the funny part of the story my stepmother and I are at this play and all of a sudden it's intermission and she's my stomach is starving and so am I I go I'm like the line looks like it's a half hour long at the concession I'm like I'm gonna go outside do you want a pretzel? Fine. Get the pretzel, come back eating it. All of a sudden I see her like bite,

like, you know, something hurt. And she looks over at me and she goes spit the pretzel out of your mouth. And I'm like, what? She's like, don't eat it. Don't. There's the rocks in the pretzels. Yeah. I'm like, there's rocks in the pretzels. And so. I then like, look at her as she's fishing, she's looking for the rock. And then she's like, I can't find it. She like smiles and her tooth is gone.

Now her front right tooth. No, no, but that's the that was the rock. She didn't realize that the pretzel pulled the tooth out in her mouth So as soon as I see that I just start eating my pretzel again She's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, I don't think I'm gonna have a problem That's a true story Yes, and then the second act was even funnier than the first, and she had to cover her mouth. She was dying laughing, but mortified

that she had this gaping tooth hole on the upper- Oh my God, that's crazy. I know. It was really funny. But that was Lettuce and Lovage, and that was my first time exposed to Maggie Smith. And oh my God god was she funny. She was fucking solid.

And she, and apparently like I remember 60 Minutes did a piece on her a few years ago and she's horrified. She gets so afraid of acting. Like she never got used to it. Every time she, and she said that she's hard to work with because of it Can you imagine all those years and you still go through that? She said she went through it with Downton Abbey and and she wasn't even a lead in that she was like a nice come in kill the scene. Oh

Every episode she was in she was a highlight of the episode. I Even just physically, you know what? She was known for that, but I remember in Downton Abbey, they turned on the lights and electricity or indoor lighting was new and she was like, huh, like it was, it was this lightning had just struck in the room. She was so funny and her lines were so vicious. They were great Let's cheer up. Let's cheer up a little funnies. Here we go If you're new to the show every week we give you guys one single frame of a comic it's Uncaptioned and we ask you the listener the viewer some of you view most of you listen We don't get a lot of viewers more people should view

Go to the YouTube page opposite and then uh, so the frame last week was two guys They've got on white smocks and they've got angel wings and they're standing on clouds One guy is talking to the other guy David Bentley. I went, and by the way, you win a Coozzy. We picked the best one and then you win a Coozzy. So David Bentley's submission was, say, did you see any toilets up here? Jeff Plasted said, I told you riding a motorcycle with a golf bag on your back was a bad idea.

Ah, too close to home. Jacob Tinman said as a masochist was kind of looking forward to hell. All right these are all like you know clever. Zach from Yuma said dude the line from Maryland is 80 years long. I fucking love that. Marilyn Monroe? Yeah. All right. And you- All right, that's solid. And that's her heaven? Well, I actually do a joke about this. I have this exact joke.

I talk about how heaven is, everybody wants to go up and fuck Marilyn Monroe, but this is a hell for her because she has to fuck everybody. So I don't know if this guy heard this from my act, But yeah, I've been doing that bit for a little while. So I mean, that disqualifies. Sid Talks said bad news, Carl. He said being Mormon doesn't count. Amrick Hossle Pop says funny thing, I get this page from a mod and then boom, I'm here. funny thing I get this page from a mod and then boom I'm here Jim googly mo said I just ran into Jesus you know they say you shouldn't meet your heroes oh yeah

that's good Taylor Nelson said if I knew the entrance exam was gonna be this hard I would have paid more attention at Sunday school good solid Steve says where the bitch is at that's pretty good Todd says look like looks like we have another vacancy oh really who was cancelled someone named p diddy uh-huh Matt says if those diddy tapes get out I'm screwed. That's pretty that's pretty good. Yeah. But I would have to say my vote is for Ahmed and the pager. Yeah that was a good one. That was Emmerich Hasselpop. Hassle. And then I liked the line from Marilyn is 80 years old but I'm disqualifying him because I have a similar joke. I'm not saying he stole it from me.

It's just too close. All right, so the winner this week is Emmerich. Congratulations, send us your address to the same place you sent. If you want to send in a submission, fitsdogradio at gmail.com. We ask you to put the joke and your name directly under it makes it easy for me to cut and paste. Thank you for your consideration. Yes.

Next week, the caption is, well there is a King on the throne and he's talking to his, uh, what do you, what is the King, his right hand or his hand? And, uh, and there's a court jester standing in front of the king and he's juggling some balls. So the king is talking to his guy on the throne and, and he's saying the king is saying something. I'm going to try to get this for you.

Go ahead. All right. Hager therible. This one I like. It's not about abducting and violating women this week, even though that's normally what this comic strip that children are attracted to because it's cute little animated figures. But this week it goes a little bit deeper. Are you paying attention Mike? No, I'm like sometimes the King's assistant is called a regent. Okay could be a regent. In Game of Thrones he's called the hand. Yes, the king's hand. I like that. All right anyway. So anyway, all right so here's Haggar, he's standing on a battlefield and he's talking

to his opponent and there's arrows flying all through the air in both directions and his opponent goes, I'm the good guy and Haggar goes, I'm the good guy and then this other guy in a purple coat, they look at him and Haggar goes, who are you? He goes, I'm the rich guy. I make the arrows. And I thought, this is a real comment, isn't it? On like, who is the guy that? I'm Hal Aberton.

Yeah I'm Hal Aberton or Rothschild. The Rothschilds famously would back both sides in wars and make money from both sides. The name's Aberton. Hal Aberton. Now we got the Lockhorns. Leroy says to Loretta, offering me a penny for my thoughts to get my two cents worth doesn't seem fair. That's cute. Clever. That's it for them. Oh, alright. Well, boy, thank God, because now we have all the time we need for Garfield. Oh. Here we go. Three frames. So John is talking. This is number five, by the way, of the top 10. Number of the top 10 So John is talking... This is number five, by the way, of the top 10. Number of the top 10 best Garfields of all time.

John and Garfield are in each of the three frames. And in the first frame, John says, remember the time I said something funny? And Garfield thinks, I guess, do I? Do I? I think it's do I? Do I? I think it's do ya, do I? And in the next frame, he's dying laughing and John's looking at him a little like

I guess pleased, kinda and it's ha ha ha ha and he's laughing so hard, Garfield tears are coming out and then the next frame, they both look glum and what your Garfield is say thinking is no. It's not bad. What do you mean that's not bad?

I mean, I like the sarcasm. I like, uh, it's like a, it's like a four year olds like psych. Yeah. four-year-olds like psych. Yeah. Yeah. I guess my expectation, my bar is very low. And I think as Garfield goes, this is not horrible. I mean, ha ha ha, no. It's just the oldest device, oldest device in the world. All right, whatever. Yeah. You know what? It's great. I agree. It's great. I want to be more positive. Yeah. Who looks on fire? Fuego this week. Blondie. I've never seen her in like just a red dress.

I know. I know. It's a new look for her. She's got on a very form fitting mini dress. It goes right to her knee and the boobs are just so succulent and full and she's looking in the mirror. She's putting on a little lipstick. Hair is done up high. The calves are just two bowling pins. You know I love that. I want to knock those bowling pins down. Split them. Split them. The gonna split the bowling pins. The one nine split, or whatever it is. And then Dopey's wearing the same fucking outfit

he always wears, it's like a black tux with a red bow tie. And he goes, it sure takes you a lot longer to get ready than it takes me. And she goes, probably, but I'm worth the wait. Yeah. Yeah, she is. Yeah. Are you she is. Yeah. Are you going to criticize her?

You should be sitting in the corner with those velvet pants around your ankles, taking in this work of art who's making yourself go from a nine and a three quarters to an 11th. And you're watching that and you're complaining about how long it takes, get, get them out, throw them the fuck out. What are you doing? Blondie?

He's not worth the wait. Can we talk about that? He's Blondie. Yeah. I mean, you're waiting forever to, to, uh, have this human you're attached to become a real man. Yeah. It's not going to happen. And also, do you want to be on time? No. When you walk into a party with a woman like Blondie you want to be about 27 minutes late so that every head turns. Plates fall to the ground. Dogs growl. And everyone incorrectly thinks to themselves, how lucky is that guy? It's like the Eric Clapton song, I feel wonderful tonight. We go to a party and everyone turns to see this beautiful lady who's walking along with

me. Oh, what do you know? I feel wonderful tonight. We want to get a wonderful our new sponsor ground news is a great way. Like us, if you're looking for relevant stories that are going to give you both sides, you're going to get some kind of an idea sense of if they're coming from the left or the right or media conglomerate or an independent if they're coming from the left or the right or media conglomerate or an independent ground news.com slash SP get 40% off the ground news vantage plan also we love mint mobile go to mint mobile.com slash papers cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month on a three month plan. All right, Mike, anything you want to promote? Let's see.

I don't think, I mean, I say the same thing every week. I haven't really done anything. I'm up to season four in Slow Horses. I'm enjoying that very much. Loving that, loving that. Yeah, if you happen to be in a city where Tadeski Trucks is playing, I saw them this past week. Amazing again.

Yeah. Yeah, that's about it. That's what I'm promoting. We want to thank Midcoast Media for doing a fine job as always. Still haven't heard back from Chris Denman. I hope he's OK. No, he wrote you back. He was finishing something up. I don't see that, did wrote you back. He was finishing something up.

I didn't see that, did he? Yeah. Let's see. You all started just wrapping the meeting. Oh, okay. Well, all right. Mike, we'll see you. I'll be back Sunday night at midnight. See you next week. Enjoy that late night up there. Enjoy the Aurora Borealis. Enjoy your balmy day on Sunday. Yep.

All right, take it each. Take it each. Oh yeah! It's the Sunday Paper Podcast! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! It's the Sunday Paper Podcast! It's the Sunday Paper Podcast! It's the Sunday Paper Podcast! It's the Sunday Paper Podcast! Oh yeah!

It's the Sunday Paper Podcast! It's the Sunday Paper Podcast! It's the Sunday Paper Codcast! It's a slice of avocado! It's a slice of avocado! it's a slice of avocado It's a slice of avocado, it's a slice of avocado It's a slice of avocado, it's a slice of avocado It's a slice of avocado, it's a slice of avocado It's a slice of avocado, it's a slice of avocado It's a slice of avocado, it's a slice of avocado It's a slice of avocado, it's a slice of avocado It's a slice of avocado, it's a Sunday people podcast On your white ass Big glass, big glass On the shit glass, on the shit glass

Get your shit gas, get your shit glass On the shit pass The So so And don't forget to check out Greg Fitzsimmons new comedy special called You Know Me exclusively on YouTube.