Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 24 8/16/20

Episode Date: August 16, 2020

Update from The biker rally in S Dakota and Mike gets attacked in “Letters to the editor”.

Sunday, Sunday papers Taking the news of the day They don't let fads get in their way Sunday, Sunday papers No, they don't fact check the things they say But we all listen anyway Just gotta fart. Oh, there it is.

Read all about it. Come and get it. I'm young. I'm poor. It's the 1930s. I'm trying to make a living. My father's out of work. He's drinking.

Mom's scared. Buy a fucking paper. All right, let's do it. Great intro. That's an amazing. Welcome back, listeners. Your hair looks like shit. Yeah, no. So I'm going camping tomorrow. That's why we're doing this. Do we tell them we're doing this early?

Yeah, we're recording this on Thursday for Sunday. So if you feel like we're not on point, if something big happens on Friday or Saturdayurday we'll catch it on the thursday paper yeah like we might start with a sturgis update but that whole thing could have imploded by uh right now which is sunday oh is it still going on it's still going strong oh boy oh boy but wait so my hair looks like shit that's fun for podcast listeners to hear well that's why people should be watching this on youtube dude Is that what we want? Is that the business model? I don't know. I think it's fun.

I think it makes it a more complete experience. I think it's fun. Well, the numbers are- That's one of the most anemic sales devices ever is like, and it's fun and you'll have fun. Like that's when it's like, yeah, I don't have another selling point. No, that's like when you're a poor actor as I am and then you do a take and then after that they go try another one

um you know have fun with this one as opposed to yeah breaking it down into its non-humorous pieces as you did in that last take. The best audition one, I don't know how often you've told this on your podcast, but one of my favorite stories of yours was you're driving to an audition. I'll let you tell it, but it's the one where you're like, it's for a gay character. This is before Will and Grace.

Oh, right, right, yeah. And you're like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm not going to play it gay. It's just going to be as if I were gay, and then that's it. So people should do that more. And anyway, you go to the audition. I play it straight.

I play it as Greg Fitzsimmons. Casting director goes, okay, cut. Let's try it again. A little less gay. It was for Veronica's Closet. Remember that show, Veronica's Closet? Oh, yeah. And then, of course, in network TV tradition, they then hired a guy who was so gay his slippers

didn't touch the ground for the seven years that show was on the air. I remember that guy. It was like setting the whole gay movement back. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. But to get that note, like, listen, really good. But this time, not as gay. By the way, our theme song today,

one of the best we've ever had, John Allen did a fucking crack job. We got a bunch of good ones recently. So which one was this? Because you sent me some before, like yesterday. It's just really out of the gate rocking. Is it Ramones-like? No, that's coming up next week.

Oh, okay. The one where they spell out S-U-N-D-A-Y, yeah. Well, that's more like Bay City Rollers type. It is, but then it turns into like a three-chord punk progression after that. And the logo is just our standard logo because, to be honest, we ran out. We're counting on you guys to send us some more Sunday Papers logos. Send them in. I would have drawn one.

Okay. Photoshop something, whatever. Our standards are extremely low true um so i did stand up last night for the first time in five months it was five months to the day that i had done stand up and it was like a it was a socially distanced crowd of like 50 maybe 15 20 people in this cool little studio in North Hollywood. Oh, wait, live? It was live, but it was also on YouTube. Wow.

And it was me and Bob Saget and Tom Papa and Tone Bell, Kira Soltanovich. But it felt so fucking good. can't tell you because i've gotten into this rhythm of being home every night and i've lost my like i'm like a shark that's not smelling blood anymore i'm just floating and i'm enjoying it and i and to the point where i started thinking maybe i'm just fucking done doing stand-up Like the idea of going back and having to pretend you're in a good mood and be fun. Two seconds in,

I was like, Oh yeah. Oh yeah. This is what I meant to do. Yeah. It's kind of like, you know what? Maybe the heroin hunger is just naturally faded.

It's probably, I mean, I did the methadone. I went through the, let me try a little, see if it, uh, just a taste. All right. Whoa, I forgot how good this feels.

That's like, there was this comedian in Boston. He was one of the best fucking comics of all time. And now I'm fucking spacing his name. I'll remember it in a second. But his bit was. Sweeney? Nope. Boston had so many good legends. He's like, I always liked these guys in Boston.

Because guys that get sober in Boston are as ferocious about their sobriety as they were about their drinking. And so he goes, I like to sit in the back of the room with a soda can. And then when the guy gets up there to qualify and he goes, and I'm proud to say after 15 years, I no longer have a desire to drink. Then I opened the can of soda and he's like, where is it? That's great. Oh, fuck. I'm so embarrassed i'm forgetting his name right now and boston's such an angry city like it must i think it's like some places are harder to quit drinking right i mean have they done studies on that like you know the funny point the funny stat was like martha's

vineyard in nantucket like the alcoholism rate during winter is like, it's like crazy high. And I'm just thinking, but like if you're in like kind of an angry city that has a hard winter, like, yeah, is it not going to be tougher? Well, they actually did a study. I remember reading this a long time ago. I remember reading this a long time ago and places where you're on an island or a peninsula when you're at the end, when you can't go any further, you know, whether it's Alaska or Key West or Montauk, that's where alcoholism is at its highest. It's people that are like. Land's end. People that are running away.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Although Chicago is pretty hammered. Or wherever there's Irish people. That was the other thing. There's a river. You know, do you know the Chicago River? I think it's called the Chicago. It's probably not. But the river that comes into the lake,

they reversed the flow of that river. How'd they do that? It flows out of the lake now. No shit. No, not kidding. I couldn't even make that up. Yeah, I think for pollution reasons or I should know more. I should just admit I don't know.

But they do know they reversed the flow of that river. Well, if that's not true, feel free to write to us at FitzDogRadio at gmail.com, where we address all of your corrections, including this one. Dear Greg and Mike, you're a great duo, this despite both of your limited factual knowledge.

As far as I understand, executions in the U.S. by Wave Electric Chair employ direct current, DC, and not alternating current, AC. The potential for the lights dimming in both your stories, Mike talking about a pub and Greg adding in that areas around Sing Sing had their lights dim, imply AC power being used.

Keep it up, Ken Bergland. Keep up the misinformation. What do we keep up exactly? Yeah. Do you enjoy correcting us? Is that why we should keep it up? Does that make do we keep up exactly? Yeah. Do you enjoy correcting us? Is that why we should keep it up? Does that make you feel better than us? I didn't make up this story.

I mean, you've heard that. I've heard it many times. He has a very good explanation there because he nerded out on us. We can't compete with that. But I don't know. I mean, there's some explanation. I don't know. I mean, there's some explanation.

I know in my house growing up, my mom's vibrator had an AC cord that went into the wall. She used to shut down the fucking washing machine. The fridge. Our food would spoil because of my mom's pleasuring herself. Well, that's why the prison couldn't do the executions during the day because your mom was out on her terrace looking into the prison yard, fucking grinding it out like crazy burying like there's not enough dc current her teeth that bitch up there is you stealing it all yeah and what's that noise that those are her teeth grinding i hope she doesn't listen to this podcast. Hi, Mom. Oh, my God. Also, we got a

correction from Mark Wachowski, who said, Wachowiak, who says, as someone who grew up in Philadelphia, I love where I am from, but know that it has many things in history that don't deserve defending. But I hear this Rocky statue all the time. And I would like to set the record straight. The city of Philly did not build a statue to honor Rocky. It was a prop from Rocky III that he donated after filming. This doesn't in any way make up for the fact that there is no Joe Frazier statue, but at least the city didn't choose Rocky over Joe.

Well, that's a good letter. It's a good letter, but does that defend it? I mean, because somebody left it behind, you're still making a choice to leave it there. That was, by the way, a very fancy way of saying this production had an extraordinarily heavy piece of trash that would cost a lot of money to bring back to Los Angeles to store. So they donated it. Yeah. Kind of like you donate an empty soda can to the side of the road at a crying Italian man's feet. That's what it's like we also donated we had a crew party before we left a wrap party and we donated

17 garbage bags from the party we couldn't invite all of you so we figured we wanted to give you something right so yeah you're right and that they didn't have to leave it up all these years and of course as he mentions

in lieu of a Joe Frazier statue of a real boxer. Yeah. I mean, this is the same city that doesn't even have a bell, doesn't even have a decent bell. It's fucking broken. Oh, boy. That was bad. All right. Let's get to the front page.

Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Let all about it! Extra! Let's do it. I don't even have my paper. I have an envelope. Oh, I have a paper.

Here we go. Oh, is that late? Sorry. It's all right. It's Thursday. What are we doing? A Sturgis update? Let's do a Sturgis update.

What's going on in Sturgis? What is it? South Dakota? Yes, it is. Yeah. It's going strong. Have you seen the footage of all the gatherings?

No. Is it, is it, did they hit that 250,000 mark? Well, it's, it's not 250,000 at the same time, but the numbers are impressive and there's all these other stats that they have

that we'll get to. But this is one headline I read. The 2019 average Sturgis attendee, the average, is a 54-year-old who spends $374 a day, which by the way, that's a lot, who could be from Minnesota, Nebraska, or Colorado. So basically, almost without exception, that's a compromised immune system. To me, that headline screams diabetes. And by the way, 54 average, that means half of them are older. And then the sub-headline was, smash mouth singer who performed there mocks coronavirus pandemic at packed sturgis motorcycle rally concert doesn't he know that every time a celebrity mocks or tempts fate with the corona thing they fucking get it a week later he's up there like hey now get Hey, now, get your mask off. Fucking moron. It's Corona. Hey.

Also, can you imagine attending a whole Smash Mouth show just to hear their one song? Do you open with it or do you close with it if you're Smash Mouth? And it's, I know, I think you got to hold it. You got to hold it. You got to hold out of it. Yeah. They're all drunk, like, I'm not leaving until I hear it. Yeah, yeah. And then, by the way, also the whole concert, it's just not hold it. You got to hold it. Yeah. They're all drunk, like, I'm not leaving until I hear it. Yeah, yeah.

And then, by the way, also the whole concert, it's just not worth it. Like, listen, if I want to get the virus, it's still not worth it, like, risking that exposure to a whole Smash Mouth concert. Who wants to do that? Yeah, you're going to get the, yeah, you're going to get the, maybe you don't get the virus, but you get that fucking, what do they call it? A wormhole when it goes into your brain, when a song stays in your brain. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. But, but, you know, they, they're going to, maybe they can turn the Harley Davidsons into respirators. Just fucking indoors.

Just, just turn, you guys are going to feel no pain in about a half hour. Just everybody rev them up in this indoor concert. And then another detail was the front man, Steve Harwell, told the crowd he screams. We're all we're all here together tonight. Fuck that covid shit. That's that's literally what was screened. They have a video of it. Yeah. So so your masks, they don't believe the mass work, but apparently what they're going to go with instead is hurting COVID feelings by screaming at it. And that'll help. Yeah. Yeah. Now I really, I really do think it's be, it's be, I can't name all the people that have done this, but there was the black millionaire who had Uncle John's pizzas.

And he spoke out against it and he didn't wear a mask. Fucking dead. Yeah. Boris Yeltsin spoke out against it. Almost died. Was in critical condition. You don't want to set up a funeral where no one has sympathy for your death. That's right. That's right. There was another kid, they had a party. They threw an anti-COVID party,

a bunch of teenagers, and the kid who threw it died. Did you hear this latest stat that even if like a bona fide vaccine was developed, like that works. Like that there aren't questions about whether or not it works. Like it works that even then one third of country would be like, no, not going to take your stupid fucking vaccine. No, I've heard the numbers more like 50% won't take it. Oh really?

And you need 60% to take it for it to work. Ah, yeah. So there's some convincing to work. Ah. Yeah. Man, that high. So there's some convincing to do. Yeah, well, first of all, they say the black population is going to be the hardest because they don't trust the government giving them a vaccination

because of the Tuskegee experiment where black men who had syphilis, I think, were told they were going to be given a vaccine. And instead they gave them a fake vaccine and just tested the effects of syphilis on men for decades, from like the 1940s through the mid 70s. it went on. So there's a little lack of trust going on right now. Right, right, right, right, right. And also, I'm sure a good portion of these 50% or whatever we landed on is just going to be like, not until there's a vaccine for 5G, thank you. Why don't you put all your resources into that

before this fucking fake virus vaccine? Yeah. We believe the vaccine's real. The virus is not real. Update from a story from last week. There was a—I think we mentioned this. Trader Joe's—I wanted to read it, but the guy who owns Trader Joe's put out an open letter. No, you read it.

Did I read the letter? You know, the virus, one of the first symptoms is forgetfulness, short-term memory. Yeah, you read it. I can't taste anything. Did I really read it? Yeah. But that's no problem because I wasn't done with Sturgis.

My favorite part is Sturgis. Oh, you got more. I guess we're going to do the entire Sunday Papers on one story. No, but this is this is so funny. Just and it's we're not making anything up. So there did that. As I told you, they're like comparing each year, like the amount of arrests for drugs and all this and the amount of accidents. So anyway, it's basically on par with last year and there have been 20 injury crashes. Basically on par with last year. And there have been 20 injury crashes.

So I looked up these crashes and this is the police. This is the police blotter or whatever they call it. This is gospel truth. At 3.30 p.m. Saturday, the driver attempted to make a U-turn in a no passing zone. The motorcycle collided with a westbound Harley Davidson. So the one guy drove into the other guy. The 74-year-old male driver was not wearing a helmet. The 61-year-old female passenger sustained serious non-life-threatening injuries.

And the 69-year-old male driver of the other motorcycle was not wearing a helmet and received serious... So... Okay, hold on. The next one. At 12.49 p.m. Sunday, the driver failed to negotiate a right-hand turn. The vehicle went off the roadway and into a ravine. The 73-year-old

male driver sustained serious non-life-threatening injuries. At 4.30 p.m. Sunday, the driver failed to maintain his lane and went off the roadway. The 66-year-old male driver, who was not wearing a helmet sustained serious non-life-threatening industries. And it's like, this is like, don't go to Sturgis. Never mind the virus.

It's all these fucking ancient guys on motorcycles without helmets who are driving into each other. It's the worst drivers of the Midwest all brought together and put on motorcycles that have engines that are way too big for them. And the worst part is the 26-year-old runaways that are on the back of the bikes. Those girls are going to get hurt worse than the drivers. Totally. No, there were so many of them, and they were all so old.

It was crazy. It was so funny. Oh, my they were all so old. It was crazy. It was so funny. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Yeah. Maybe the rumbling of the bike matches the shaking of their hands. It calms them down. Oh, it just takes one case there.

They're all going to be wiped out if they don't drive off into objects that aren't even moving. That's hilarious. drive off into objects that aren't even moving. That's hilarious. Well, the owner of Trader Joe's put out a letter, and it was an open letter. Look, I'm only reading it because I thought of some more funny brand names. He has a crush on, oh, go.

I'm sorry. I stole the whole setup. Go for it. For the Italian food, Trader Joe's. Oh, I like that. For the Italian food, Trader Joe's. Oh, I like that. For the Jewish food, Seder Joe's. Ooh. I liked...

I went with the barbaric Trader Joe's. I'm liking Seder Joe's. It's way more elegant. For the Irish food, Tater Joe's. I like these. For the Norwegian food, Invader Joes.

Norwegians still have the Invader wrap, do they? That's all they got. What else do you know about Norway? That's true. That's where Hager the Horrible's from. Boring Joes. Doesn't really work. And finally, for the Mexican food, waiter Joe's.

Well, that seemed to have an extra layer of racism on it, that one. Or you're just saying that they're patient, like they're a patient people? No, they like to fly fish, so they put on those big boots and they go out in a creek and they wait. I told you about my brilliant idea, which seems like it should wait now with the virus. But you set up a school here in Los Angeles where you train all these Mexican dudes to be Italians, to be waitstaff in all the Italian restaurants. Because I'm sure at Vito, you know, we go to Vito all the time. Yeah. I'm sure at Vito, and they're pouring it on like,

the fettuccine, the badadia, and I know they're from south of the border. I just know it. Yeah, yeah. I can't prove it, though. Now, that would be, well, whatever. I don't want to get in trouble. Let's talk, let's go to our next story.

Any more trouble? Betsy DeVos. Is it DeVos or DeVos? I don't care. I think it's DeVos. God, do I dislike this woman. She, as you know, is the secretary of education. And she has reportedly isolated herself in her expensive Michigan estate as she goes on to demand that public schools all open.

60% of Americans have rejected fully in-person learning, but she's, you know, she's returning to schools with, she said that the risk of returning to schools is the, is the same as riding a rocket ship into space. This something like that. Wait, exactly.

Like it's like a 50, 50 if they're going to live. Yeah. Right. Wait, what? That's her analogy. Yeah.

Wasn't, wasn't there a famous, didn't Christie McAulullough explode in space the teacher school teacher absolutely did yeah how do you how do you know she had uh dandruff how because her head and shoulders washed up on the beach should that be our video clip this week that was a solid seventh grade joke, I think. No, when did it happen? Were we in college? Yes, we were in college. I remember watching it my sophomore year, so it would have been 1987. As I was saying, it's a solid 20-year-old person joke. Yeah, I'm trying to think of... There was other ones about her.

Anyway. Send them in if you got them. I think it was Christy McAuliffe. Was that her name? No, I think it is. Absolutely her name. Send the jokes in. We'll read them next week. But, I mean, as a parent, I just feel like

this woman is so fucking out of touch. And, you know, they keep debating whether or not young kids can spread the virus. But the most recent thing I've heard is that young kids can be transmitters and they can be asymptomatic transmitters. I thought I kind of always heard that, right? Or it goes back and forth, I guess. Well, the president of the United States at one point said that it's almost impossible for a child to spread the disease. Right. This was based on nothing. I know. But would he make room that maybe they could magically spread it?

Because he did bring magic into the coronavirus equation. Yes. I remember that vivid the coronavirus equation. Yes. I remember that vividly. Yep. Yep. You know, the big ploy, the big theories on this is she wants to put an end to public education. Yeah. She wants all charter schools.

Right. Or private, of course, for rich people. But there's a movement towards that. Right. Or private, of course, for rich people. But there's a movement towards that. And I think also because she announced this week she wants all the new, if school does go back, she's going to require all the bus drivers be the drivers from Sturgis, who are 78 and can't see over their bushy mustache while they're shit-faced with the virus. And they're going to try to do illegal U-turns

on one-way streets. And just drive right into another old bus driver. I had a driver like that. When I was in high school, this guy, Kenny, he was this old black guy from Louisiana. I fucking loved the guy. We used to talk about muscle cars every day. And that dude was easily 78 years old

and didn't move his head. He was one of those drivers that, you know, they had that mirror that was like the size of a door. Right. And he just drove. He moved his head like about this much to look in the mirror.

Never looked to his left or his right. Just figured, I'm the biggest thing on the road. Everybody will get out of the way. He was right. And hey, what's that kid doing in the back row? Can't believe you didn't put a little shake on the bus just to throw you off. Especially when you got that glazed look in your eyes. Wrong choice of words there.

Is that kid having an epileptic seizure? His eyes are rolling back in his head and he's trembling. You just reminded me, talking about a bus driver, I didn't remember this till this second. I took one of those small buses, insert all the jokes here,

but it was one they were taking me to Hackley where your brother went, who we didn't know each other at the time. And he got kicked out and I semi got kicked out. And so, but anyway, I was the last stop on the way home and he would drop off. And the stop before me were these two girls

who live near each other. And they were pretty attracted, but keep in mind, I know one of them, this is fucking crazy that I'm having this memory now one of them was 10th grade was or ninth my grades because i only i then i went to board i didn't go to that school after 10th grade so they would get off the bus and i remember beginning like i remember then regretting or like fearing i was just like fuck, fuck, here we go again. I'm the last person on the bus. They would get off and he's like, will you look at those asses? And it was like, no. So he seemed

much older to me, but now looking back with perspective, I bet he was, I mean, he was definitely not younger than mid twenties and he would talk to me about their outfits every day when they got off the bus. No shit. And he would say things, I guess why it seemed like it wasn't like as flagrant as it could be. He'd be like, Mike, why aren't you getting, why aren't you getting on that? But so that would like flatter me obviously, and maybe contextualize it like, oh, he's talking about them for me because I'm the same age. But no, the whole preface was like him in pain,

opening the door for them on this little bus and watching them trot down the stairs. Yeah. Damn. And he wanted you to date them so that he could ask you what they look like naked. That would have been the question. Describe their areolas to me, Mike. Hey, I'm your driver, right?

So why won't I drive you guys when you go on your date? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I just remember that. Yeah. You mean like, is that one of those memories that you had in your head that you had not gone back to since it happened all those years ago? Yeah, totally. Isn't that wasn't I clear on that? That is so fucking weird. I had one. I had one of those memories, too, but it was about the bus driver joining you in the backseat and finishing your work for you.

Those will pop up also. Oh hands it's soft those old man hands and uh it was uh there was a swim teacher at the ymca when i took swimming lessons when i was like maybe seven yeah and the the shower stalls were like the open, open room. Just, just fucking shower heads around the walls. Yeah. He used to come in there when we were all naked. And one time he told this kid, he's like, the girls are having practice now.

I'm going to take you out there. And the kid's like, no. And he chased him around the shower. He picked him up, picked him up picked him up and i specifically remember his hands being on the boy's wet ass and holding him and starting to go out towards the girls while the kids crying hysterically and then he put him then he put him down and

there's nine of you just doing just standing there with erections watching this whole thing happen? Maybe I shouldn't have described it as sensually as I did. You could see the indentations of his strong hands across the boy's soft buttock. No, and I did not. I was smoking a bong with Tom Cotter in Boston, and we were talking about the YMCA. Tom Cotter in Boston, and we were talking about the YMCA, and that story came up, and I realized that it had been lodged in my brain and not revisited or processed since it happened. And it was the first time I thought of it, and I thought to myself,

that was wrong. Good one, Greg. You landed on the right side of that issue. At the time, I didn't think this is a predator. You know? No, Greg. You landed on the right side of that issue. At the time, I didn't think this is a predator. You know? No, totally. Well, the mind's a tricky thing because what might happen next for you is you'll remember you were a counselor at camp and it was you who was grabbing a kid. You know, your mind can only give you what it can handle.

Silence of the lambs theory on me. No, sorry. It's called psychology. Your mind will only give you so much you can handle, and it'll dole it out in little bite-sized pieces. Tell me about the lamb, Clarice. And you think you won't see a man walking out of the shower holding those glistening buttocks ever again

if you could just stop taking showers. But keep in mind, it should be said at this point where we were like, or I'll speak for myself, an unattractive 14, 15, 16, I was just an unattractive kid. I was like kind of pudgy and all this. Imagine how many of these locked memories like women have, like it, it must be like a weekly basis. If you're, especially if you're an attractive female high school order, and especially back then,

like the time we're talking about, there must've been inappropriate shit coming into your face. Like all the time. It was this boy, and I forgot about this. He'd sit in the back row of the bus. Right. All right. We got to keep moving because you're getting a haircut. We can't do this all day. That's right. I am getting a haircut. Bill Maher brought up something interesting on his show. Huh? You know, he's politically incorrect, right, Mike? I know. Yeah, I did hear that about him. So he said that obesity is America's major driver of COVID-19 illness and death, which it turns out he's absolutely right. America's obesity rate currently stands at an astonishing 42.4%.

And when I say stands, only stands for a little while. Mostly lays down at 42.4%. Sure does. Live it up. People in this category suffer vastly more from the effects of COVID-19, twice as likely to require mechanical ventilation after entering the ICU compared to healthy weight individuals.

Their risk of death for them increases by 40%. Shit. Yeah. Well, that's the Sturgis population. We're going to see what happens up there. It's tough to... And the thing is, you try to test them, but every time they put the swab in their mouth, they eat it. And so it's preventing—

Sure is. It would be so much worse if these people could actually move around and efficiently spread it. Luckily, they're pretty sedentary. Yeah. I was thinking maybe the mask thing will keep them from eating as much. So that's helping them on many levels. But Bill Maher brings that up a lot. He brings up, I think he calls it maybe even an epidemic, the obesity problem. And he also brings up diet. He's a very strong advocate of you get sick

a lot less. Diet has so much to do with that. The reason America is so sick pre-COVID is because of diet. So, you know, he has valid points there to a degree. Well, it says that obesity, 20 years ago, the obesity rate was 30%. Now it's 42. Well, I, you know, my old dumb joke you've heard me do when you've, when you have me do stand up is that especially the childhood obesity, which is a huge problem, pardon the pun, but in the country is leading to another pandemic or epidemic, which is teen walkaways. Because they can't run. They're too fat. Okay. Always a classic. Always kills.

There was another. Oh, another story? Another story about a cake. You know, these bake, these gay people that bake are always running into trouble. Sorry, did you say these gay people that bake? Yeah. Okay. I'm all ears now.

Go ahead. The best is if gay never came up again. Go ahead. A black openly gay woman, April Anderson, is taken aback by a recent cake order that came into her bakery in Detroit, which is an openly gay city. Her and her gay partner have this bakery. came into her bakery in Detroit, which is an openly gay city. Her and her gay partner have this bakery. The customer, who turned out to be an employee of a Ferndale-based conservative Catholic organization, wanted the cake decorated. Red velvet cake.

Very nice. Delicious. I'd like you to write on the cake, in icing, homosexual acts are gravely evil. That's quite the test for this little operation. So the woman said she would not make the cake, obviously. I don't think that's obvious, but go ahead. Well, it's not because now there's a lawsuit and the woman is saying that because she said no, the customer was refused an order because of their beliefs.

And it brings that question up again of, like, is cake gay? Cake is kind of gay. Not the cake the guy wanted. That's the least gay cake I've ever heard of. The very un-gay cake. I don't know. What was the occasion? What was the occasion for the cake? Was it the priest's birthday? I mean, if you were these owners, that's tough because you are running a business, which means you've signed up. Even though it's a private business, there are more laws that apply to you.

I don't know. I'm not going to tease this one out. But I do know, like, why not make that the cake you mess up on and write the opposite? They all the time put happy birthday to the wrong name. That's right. All the time. Yeah. Honest mistake.

You can't prove it wasn't a mistake. Yeah. Do it this time, but put the exact opposite. Instead of grave, instead of homosexual acts are gravely evil. You could say homosexual acts are greatly. I'm so brain dead I can't do it Well fill in the blank Oh did you freeze? Oh I thought you froze You thought I froze? You were so motionless and stumped

That's how I write You weren't even moving I thought the zoom froze I conserve every carbohydrate in my body So I can only think of the punchline. You can only think of a pro-gay cake, even gayer cake? It's like before I have an orgasm, you know, when you're really concentrating in that five seconds before you start to ejaculate, how still you get. Okay.

I'm now seeing the backseat of the bus again. That's when I should write my comedy. I should jerk off, bring myself right to the precipice, and then think of that punchline I needed for Act 2 of this horrible sitcom I'm trying to write. Perfect. All right, I want to follow this cake story, man. That's an interesting one.

We're going to keep you abreast of that. Let's go to another section. All right. Let's go to International section all right international oh okay in colombia uh you know there's a former pal paramilitary warlord the government uh we have him in prison and this uh the colombian government wants him returned because uh his name is salvatore mancuso and uh he has a he completed a 12-year cocaine trafficking sentence here and we're about to release him and they're saying that this guy is responsible for more than 1500 murders so we're not returning him? No, we're going to let him go to Italy for some reason.

That's weird. Yeah, I know. Send him to Sturgis. You want to punish this guy. I know. And it's like, if they do send him back, I mean, he's fucking dead, which is a weird situation for the government to be in to put somebody on a plane to their death. That's happened a lot. Yeah. It happens in mob things. Yeah. Like we're sending you back to Miami, you know, whatever it is. Yeah. Right. Right Um

Huh Anyway That's The That's the international section Uh Well This is sort of related

What? And it gets international Because it eventually gets to Cirque du Soleil Oh good But um I guess it's kind of a business story Whatever Who cares man

Las Vegas entertainers fear dire straits as weeks of unemployment turned to months. And I read that and I was just thinking like, yeah, these what's plan B for a ventriloquist? What is wasn't that plan B? It had to have been right. Yeah. How do these guys find work is like, Hey, I was like, what do you do? It's like, Oh, okay. Well, I put a puppet on my knee and then I pretend not to move my mouth while I move

the puppets mouth. So is there any other, is there, is there any other work I could do? Is there any other work I can do? Cause those are my skills. It is true. I can also drink a water while working. When you're a puppeteer or a stand-up comedian, you literally didn't have any other choice. It was like this thing you did on the side for fun,

and as your resumes for other jobs got turned down, eventually just went, fuck it. I guess I can just do this. And then it becomes serious. Then all of a sudden, like you make a good living at it. And you're like, this is crazy. Like I never I never set out to have a career in stand up comedy. I did it as a goof. I mean, you were there.

You were there in college. I was doing it because I wanted to get laid, and it was fun to have you guys come out to the shows. I'd go to play it against Sams or Stitches. And then all of a sudden, like after five years, I'm like, I guess I'll move to New York, go to acting school, and I'll keep doing this. And who knows?

And all of a sudden, like slowly became a thing. But as it did, the options of doing anything else as you're now in your late twenties, those are gone and there's nothing else you can do now. And you've got a fucking suitcase with a puppet in it. And that's, that's your future. Yeah. Right. And that's it. And that's all your skill to do. So this article went over other, other ones. The, this is not a joke. This is real. So this was, by the way, this was an article in CNN. So it goes in those long, in those long, Jesus, reading has really become challenging lately. In those long ago days of early 2020, business was cranking for Adam Flowers,

a former street magician. See, he did something else. Not even an indoor magician. With an enterprising mind. The owner of a Las Vegas tour business that includes ghost and mob tours, Flowers had just teamed up with 81-year-old

Frank Culotta and admitted former hitman for the mob. They parlayed Culotta's violent crimes of the past, which Culotta says included murder, into schtick, creating a YouTube channel called Coffee with Culotta. It racked up thousands of views, which in turn drove visitors to the physical tour. Then came the virus. By summer, Flowers and Culotta were both stricken with COVID-19, too ill to record their episodes. You know, their jaunty little episodes where Culotta recounts killing people.

Oh, no. Was that podcast? Were those YouTube videos put down? You can't make light of killing people? Your Honor, in light of new evidence that's come to light, we think that a new trial for Mr. Collada might be in order right now. We have thousands of hours of confessions where he laughs. How did you get these?

Oh, you recorded them? No, he recorded himself and he put them on YouTube. A mobster did that. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's very hard to tape them. They're pretty savvy. Like they walk outside. They even cover their mouths. Yeah. Yeah. And then he's going to keep- Because it's very hard to tape them. They're pretty savvy. Like, they walk outside.

They even cover their mouths so lip-readers- No, no. He put them on YouTube. Wait. So, was a guy he was with wearing a wire? No, he had his own wire. He had his own microphone. In fact, they had a backup device in case the first recording device didn't catch everything.

They recorded it twice. Oh, God. I hope that guy dies of COVID. Filthy fucking murderer. The article continues. But that's not the worst. On July 9th, Flowers' father, John Flowers, a former firefighter and amateur magician who inspired his son to pursue show business died of COVID-19.

So, all right, listen, I'm sorry that guy died, but I can't get past the detail that he was a firefighter who was also an amateur magician. The guy runs into a burning building. Listen, quick, quick, get in the closet. Okay. that'll keep me safe. I don't know, but abracadabra, you're gone. I'm not gone. I'm in the back of the closet and it's hot as hell. It's starting to get smoky. All right, hold on. I'm going to bring you back. Ah, fuck, I forgot how to do this trick. Wait, lay on the table. I'm going to saw you in half. Wait, that'll kill me. Well, you're going to burn anyway, but this will give me a chance to work

on this trick. He had to quit the fire department because 70 doves burned to death. Okay, the article continues. New person. Desiree Gordon was an exotic dancer at Sapphire Las Vegas, a gentleman's club.

We know it. A gentleman's club on the Vegas Strip. She weathered the 2008 recession just fine, said Gordon 37. 37. Was business getting slow before the virus, Desiree? Because 37 is kind of an up there number Oh, she's 37 She's 37

Yeah When Sapphire closed in March She found herself living on the couch of a friend She just went from one couch to this She's giving couch dances Now she's on another couch No tips There's not even someone she's dancing for yeah right right

uh okay and then they move to the last one of the article um hold on here can you imagine having a job like being a stripper where i mean they can pretend all they want that it's empowering and that it's fun but it's not it's not. Can you imagine wishing you could get back to a job that you fucking hate in the first place? Well, she was like you in a way. She goes, this is a quote, if I don't have a space to practice, well, actually, no, this is the next story. If I don't have a space to practice, I will be crazy, said Sylvia, a native of Spain, but she's getting antsy. We need to be on stage. That's what reminded me of you. Wow. Okay. But listen to Sylvia's story. This is the second

to last one, actually. She needs to find ways to stay physically fit because Sylvia, a 60-something crossbow daredevil sharpshooter who performs at a variety show at the Rio showroom called Wow keeps her chops up in her tiny backyard where the grandmother of six practices one of her signature routines, shooting a balloon balanced on a stick held in the mouth of her husband, Victor, who's a professional juggler. These might be the saddest. I mean, New York had so many sad coronavirus stories, but these might be rivaling it. I don't know.

I'm kind of jealous because we all get very sedentary and suburban at this point. Like nobody's doing, what'd you do last night? Oh, I'm watching Narcos. Yeah, I'm on season two. Oh, that's exciting, season two. Really? Oh, hold on.

My grandmother's calling. Hey, what are you up to, Grandma? Oh, I was just shooting balloons out of your grandfather's face with a crossbow. I'm lighting it on fire these days. But if you, you know those, what do they call them? The insurance guys who gauge when you're going to die? Yeah. I wonder what the odds of Sylvia's husband dying of the virus

or an arrow right through the head in their tiny backyard of 60-something Sylvia firing at him. Yeah, all I know is that guy does a lot of chores around the house. He stays on her good side. And then here's the Cirque du Soleil to finish up the story. This is all this in late June, citing the pandemic Cirque du Soleil, a Montreal based circus company.

It's dominated Vegas for decades. I didn't know this. They filed for bankruptcy protection. Oh no. I'm sure they'll wiggle out of it though, would be my first dumb joke about that. Don't be flippant. What's that?

Don't be flippant. Oh, I like that. But that's another interesting unemployment filing, like, you know, where they're there, like, so what do you do? Oh, me? Me and my two Asian girlfriends, we bend our bodies into mind-blowing freakish shapes while spinning on a human lazy Susan. Do you have any work like that? What about you? Oh, me?

I ride a motorcycle at top speed in a round cage. What do you got for me? And you? Oh, I dress like a pixie and I jump off really high platforms into water in a hotel. It's only six inches of water, but that's fine. I weigh 72 pounds. I want to see the unemployment office for these Cirque du Soleil freaks. I know.

Vegas is like, it is a circus. Everybody there is a circus, and they're all on drugs, and they've all got gambling. Like think about the amount of people you talk about Vegas losing money, but how many people have not lost their money? People that save up all year to go to Vegas and then they blow all their fucking savings. They've interesting for some people, they're not making a living, but they're also not fucking blowing it. Well, you no longer drink, but the amount—so drinks, this is zero exaggeration. Well, you know this.

You go out with us, and drinks in Santa Monica are between $16 and $20. No shit. For one drink. Like a little shitty mixed drink? Yeah. No, certainly you can scour around and find one for $12. Like maybe if it's like a vodka tonic or a vodka soda. But generally it's going to be, you know, a mixed drink with maybe two other ingredients in it other than the alcohol.

But anyway, the going rate in L.A. for a drink is $15. The amount of money you save drinking at home, I don't think people are going to soon forget it. Right. That's right. And corporate accounts are what normally fuels that, you know, luckily. And that shit's gone.

And going to the movies. People are just getting more accustomed to watching movies at home. And they're going to go like, it's going to seem weird to get in the car, drive somewhere, park, pay money to see a movie? Well, like Apatow's movie came out, right? What was that, 15 bucks?

It did really well. King of Staten Island. I think it was 20 bucks, but they made money on the movie. It did really well. Well, first of all, 20 bucks, you could initially be like, oh, Judd, that's nothing. The parking. The parking in your first popcorn get you to fucking almost $20.

Never mind. You're bringing three people. Now, by the way, five of you can watch it for $20. Yeah, and I think you own it. I think you pay the $20 and own it. I'm not sure about that, actually. It's video on demand, so maybe that's a one-time shot. It's one-fifth the price of going to the movies with two other people in L.A.

Right. Speaking of making money online, I think we got our first advertiser. We put it out to you guys that we're waiting to get our ads, and who knows how long that's going to take. And in the meantime, if you've got a product or service and you want us to advertise it, email us at fitzdogradio gmail.com. Let's talk. Oh, I like that. I forgot to follow up with the guy, but there was a bunch of people. One guy was super flaky and annoying, and then a couple others look promising. But then there's one guy I think is perfect for our first advertise. We're

not going to do a lot of them, but we'll do a couple. I think, and you heard my, I emailed you and I dumb idea, which was how about this for every real ad we read, we'll then read a fake ad. Yeah, that's good.

We'll make up a nice commercial parody, I guess. All right. I send you that Bon Jovi thing. That looked like a fake ad. Oh yeah. That Bob, what was that Bon Jovi thing? He looked like a fake ad. Oh yeah. That bot. What was that Bon Jovi thing? He's,

is he, he's trying to sell wine. Oh my God. So we'll call this up on the YouTube thing, but I'll describe it anyway. So it was an email from like, what's the big concert includes standup. Like Coachella.

What's that? Coachella. No, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Coachella. No, no, no, no. Sorry. It's a very big like promotion site for local concerts and all that stuff here. Let me look it up. Hold on. Um, anyway, yeah, it's like basically one of those. So anyway, I got this, um, email from one of these places and then in it, it had a Bon Jovi virtual happy hour. Join John and his son, Jesse, for an exclusive wine tasting of their exclusive is in here twice for an exclusive wine tasting of their exclusive Hampton Water Rose. Tomorrow at 630. And the picture is John Bon Jovi on the side of his pool. His son is sitting there deadpan, looking straight ahead with his feet in the pool.

Jon is by a bucket holding chilled rosés with rolled up jeans up just below his knee, pouring a rosé into his son's outstretched arm, which holds a glass. And I don't even know where to begin with this thing. My, well, first of all, my dumb joke was that Jon Bon Jovi to me has always been the Rose of rock and roll, which is the only reason I tolerate it.

Is it because it puts girlfriends in a good mood? That's how I would sum up fucking Bon Jovi. Well, I think, I think the title of this party should be you give wine a bad name you give rock and roll a bad name everything's getting a bad name in this yeah he's barefoot

it's super romantic and creepy I have zero belief that this wine is any good. It's just, this motherfucker is probably worth $100 million. Why can't aging rockers just go, hey, I'm going to just enjoy my fucking trophy wife and play golf or whatever. Why are you going to sell shitty wine to me? It's annoying. And when you, so I decided I like how to check this out.

So I read the story. It gets so much worse. It all, you're like, yeah, what, what, what flip this switch? Why go there? It all started one night while Jesse and his roommate, this guy, Ali, were at his house in the Hamptons and Jesse's dad, Bon Jovi, offered them some rosé wine and jokingly referred to it as pink juice. Boy, it's a hoot in that Bon Jovi household. Jesse already, but Jesse already had his own nickname for rosé, which they usually only drank in the Hamptons.

We said, no, no, listen, dad, you're sitting in the Hamptons. You're drinking Hampton water. He said, no, no, listen, dad, you're sitting in the Hamptons. You're drinking Hampton water. He remembered telling his father, this is, I just makes me want to, I can't believe my computer is still in one piece. This is worse than a fucking family circus. How unfunny this is. Yeah. Then he did the cartoon double take. This is real. And looked at us and said, Then he did the cartoon double take. This is real. And looked at us and said, that's hilarious.

No, it's not. Can you imagine if someone put that on a bottle? This is what Jon Bon Jovi said. And that's how it started. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to insult the mentally handicapped people by comparing them to the Bon Jovis. But that is what is going on here.

I would like to give them some of my Hamptons lemonade. Maybe they take a sip of that. And also how on like rock and roll, like Bon Jovi clearly is just so isolated in his own way. It's like, Hey, like this is all so on rock and roll, but it's like, no,

you know what, John, why don't you take your shoes off, take them off and roll up your jeans. Let's expose that ankle tattoo. And then why don't you effeminately pour that bottle? Even every female rocker wouldn't do this. And then pour that rosé into your son's glass. Can you do that for us? Yeah. Let's call it Hampton Water because you're a hysterical joke. And I, you know,

I hope the fucking money's going to charity. It's just like, when is enough enough? You know, like Ellen DeGeneres. There's somebody who had a solid career, made a lot of money, and now she's just chilling out. Right?

I mean, I haven't heard anything lately. Yeah. lot of money and now she's just chilling out right i mean i haven't heard anything lately yeah that's really quieted down where is she where is she i don't know but flying under the radar she's a true professional she's realizing that she worked hard america was good to her and she doesn't really uh she if she needs jokes though maybe we should get out while the getting's good you know before you know people dig stuff up what about this what about this one ellen um why is a pancake why it's not a cake it's like and the batter speaking of batter can you send that pa over here and give me some lube? I'm going to get a little batter out of that guy. Oh, my God.

All right, let's not go down that road again. We're not going down that road? She talks to her head writer, Kevin. Kevin, I jot it down. Do you know there's a white paint color called Swiss coffee, Kevin? Swiss coffee. How light do the Swiss take their coffee? I mean, do you want a little coffee with your cream?

That's just wrong. Can you do something with that, Kevin? Maybe grab Benny and drag him into the handicap stall so you guys can write this. Just grab him from behind, go to town on poor Benny, and yeah, Swiss coffee. It's crazy. What a weird name. Oh, God. Mike, let's do some sports. Let's do it. What do you got? Do I have anything? Well, we've got letters.

There's a guy you wanted to talk about, the Formula One. Did we read that letter yet? So when we do the Thursday podcast together, is it you? Or is there some doppelganger you get and you don't keep a track? Are you an AI? Bill Burr has been sitting in for me. No, I have the same problem with Childish. We do stories and I can't remember which ones we did. I actually don't know how you

do it. I don't know how you keep them all straight. But I do know that fans in the MLB, fans are honoring the deceased loved ones with cutouts. Oh yeah. You hear about this story? Yeah. At the major league baseball games.

Right. I think that's really cool. Finally answers the question. How can baseball get more dreadfully boring? Why don't we pack the place with dead people? Well, you know, half of them these days with these foul balls,

with no fences next to the foul balls, half the people are dead by the end of the game anyway, right? Imagine your beloved father, 83-year-old. You have a picture of him from like his 81st birthday. He's dead now. And then just a foul ball just takes his head right off. Just cuts the cardboard head. just for maybe it's hanging there. They should have points on their heads.

Yeah. And you add that to the score if you can hit a dead person's cardboard head. It's like the carnival game, knocking those zombie creatures down with the softballs. That's what they are. This became a carnival game. But it was nice, you sent me a picture of Brody Stevens Was sitting in an LA Dodgers game Yes, who in this sad story falls under our dead friend category And he had front row seats

Front row seats You got it You got it, probably getting hit by a ball Yes, left field dugout No energy You got it. You got it. Probably getting hit by a ball. Yes. Left field dugout. No energy. But, yeah, this is the good news for this plan, though. The games are going to get more and more packed.

As there's more beloved deceased ones popping up everywhere to go to baseball games. Yeah. And you know people want to put their dogs and cats in there, too. Even they're like, is this—the Marlins have 21 players. Is this a good idea? I know I'm a cutout, and I know I'm dead, but I'm still not thinking this is a good idea. Yeah, I feel like a fucking cardboard cutout by the end of a baseball game. I haven't been to one in years. They're so fucking dull.

And expensive. Yes. Back to that. All right, another story, sports story. Another sports story. Darius Geis, I think his name is, G-U-I-C-E. He was arrested on domestic violence charges. He's an NFL player.

And this is exactly how the statement read. Darius Geis arrested on domestic violence charges and released by Washington's NFL team. They can't even say the name of the team anymore. There's so much politically incorrect and just flat out incorrect things in this sentence that they can't even say he's released by the Redskins. He was released by Washington's NFL team. And wait, what did the guy do? Domestic violence charges at least three counts of it, I believe. The story was from last week, but we didn't have time to get to it. But what was so kind of nostalgic for me reading this is

that it was the NFL's getting back to their usual press releases about their players beating and killing their wives and girlfriends. It was just nostalgic, like getting back to what baseball used to be about before the pandemic.

You know? Yeah, yeah. We shouldn't forget that. I hope punching your wife in the face doesn't overshadow the more important issue of whether or not Native Americans get upset by the name of the team. Which, by the way, they're not. 70% of Native Americans said they don't give a flying fuck. They would just like maybe better education on their territories. Yeah, I think it's just further down the list.

But I think it, I don't want to put words in their mouth, but I think it's, I wonder what that old Indian, I wonder what that old Italian guy thinks who's crying. By the way, listening to this story, I wonder if that old Italian guy is at home playing bocce, crying, because he cries to any Native American story

that he hears. By the way, let me read that story. Yeah. All right, let's get to science. Ooh. This one,

I can tell you from personal experience is an interesting story. Francisco Cirillo came up with a time management method that's very hot right now called the Pomodoro technique. Have you heard of this? I do know. I've heard of that because whenever I'm trying to solve procrastination, I think that's when I stumbled across it. And the gist of it is that you use the timer, use a timer for 25 minute intervals of concentrated work, followed by a five minute break. And then after you've done four of them, you take a longer, like 45 minute break. And I've done it for three days this week, and it works unbelievably well.

I tried it Tuesday, and it took me 24 minutes to find the timer. So then I put in a hard minute, and it worked. It, like, totally worked. Yeah. I, like, just banged it out, man. I just 60-second sprint. Yeah. And then you've got that

five minutes and while you're working, you're thinking about, cause you can do anything you want for that five minutes. So obviously porn. And so I call it the check hidden camera massage method. Now I'm not, this sounds like a joke. Do you know that a more popular method it's for, Do you know that a more popular method, it's also an exercise, but it's chores and it's especially for writers. It's a 10-minute interval. Is that right? You do 10. Well, did I tell you my resolution one year, which was one push-up a day?

That's it. Because you get down to do one push-up and you're a complete jackass if you only do one. Yeah. You're already down there. Right. That was my thinking. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm a genius. It's amazing how many days I did just one though.

I swear to God. I'm like, fuck this. I was just furious. I'm like, ah! I'm like, just, and I just got down and did it and I'm like, fuck this. That's hilarious. And then one became zero. One never, one never became 20. I go, and then I'll just start building. Three months later, 20 minutes, fucking same workout. I never build.

I just, and I look, 20 minutes is still good, but I'm such a fucking pussy when it comes to working out. Well, we're also at the age now where you are fighting the, what's it called when your body fades? Atrophy. Huh? Atrophy? Yes. atrophies atrophy yes we are fighting atrophy

like you know there's a hang time when you're in your from 20 20 to 30 maybe there's kind of a hang time you're at the apex and maybe you can extend that into your early 30s there's a bit of a hang time there where you're kind of staying the

same you're like of staying the same. You're like physically fit. It takes very little to maintain it. But boy, we're on that downward slope now, like a punt. Like all of a sudden, it's starting to speed up that descent. And it's like, you don't work out for two or three days. You feel the difference. You're talking about building. You really deeply lose ground.

You feel the difference. You're talking about building. You really deeply lose ground. When I was 21 and I hadn't worked out for a month, my muscle memory was back in fucking three days. I was at whatever my max was on the bench. I could get back there in a week. Well, I told this on the podcast once.

I remember the week it happened, but I had to check up once a long time ago. I had this crusty doctor who was so funny. He was from Chicago, but he was like, like he just mumbled. And remember some show ended with like, can I, Mr. Walters is like, like that's what I always was like taxi or something. That's what I always remember this guy as. So he had the glasses down at the end of his nose and he had a clipboard and he's like, so anything else? And it's like an annual checkup and i was like uh yeah you know my elbow like i kind of hurt it and like it's just still not it's still not like back up he's like yeah yeah he's like everything gets

worse and i'm and i'm like in my late i was like in my late 30s maybe i was in my early 40s and i'm like all right he's like anything else i'm like well yeah now that you mentioned it like it was something else that, all right. He's like, anything else? I'm like, well, yeah. Now that you mentioned it, like, you know, it was something else that wasn't getting better. He's like, yep. You know, like everything gets worse. And I'm like, all right. So anything else? I'm like, well, why? I already know the answer. Why would I answer? And so he's like, yeah, well, that, that is the answer. And so he goes back to his clipboard. I'm like, fuck this guy. And I'm like, wait a minute. He hasn't even looked his clipboard i'm like fuck this guy and i'm like wait a minute he hasn't even looked up and i'm like wait a minute i not everything gets worse and now he looks at me over his glasses and he's like as in like this should be good he's like oh yeah do tell and i'm

like well i'm a lot smarter than i was like i was a complete fucking idiot when I was 26. Would you tell me was my peak? Yeah. I'm like, I'm a lot smarter now. And he's like, are you? He's like, I'll give you, you've learned a lot from experience and you're wiser, but I wouldn't for a second put your brain now against your 26 year old brain. And I was like, what the fuck? Yeah.

Well, don't worry. By the way, you don't have to write anything more down because I'm definitely killing myself before next year's annual. So don't worry about my progress or anything. I'm good. I'm totally good. I'll never complain again. Well, it's true because I just look at my kids listening to new music.

And we'll listen to the same album the same amount of times. And they will know every fucking lyric to that's to that album and i'll i'll know like two lines and when i was their age i was a sponge for lyrics also it was incredible remember the flip game you would play with your kids when they were young where it's like oh i turned over a snail and there's oh and there's the snail they it was as if they had super powers i'm like like i have a system like snail is like the fifth row down. Maybe there's a five. What's a five?

And it could somehow tie that with us. I've been trying to think of these mnemonic devices to, to try to remember where fucking things were. And they're just like, Oh, butterfly butterflies up here. I'm like, what the,

are you possessed? I know. I know it's a muscle and theirs is in shape. And ours is it's atrophying. And you gotta, you, they say it. I know. It's a muscle, and theirs is in shape, and ours is. It's atrophying. And you got to, they say it, well, whatever. Listen, we got to keep moving, because you got a fucking haircut coming up. We can't even remember we're supposed to stay on time. There's another article.

Well, let's get to Ask Amy. We have some science stories we're going to get to on Thursday. We got some business stories to get to on Thursday. But let's get to, is it Ask Amy or Dear Amy? It's a weird thing. The column is called Ask Amy. Yeah. Because she, I guess, had to avoid deer.

But every letter begins with deer, obviously. All right. All right. I don't know if this is such a good one. Dear Amy, I was adopted. All right. All right. I don't know if this is such a good one. Dear Amy, I was adopted. All right. So we're Greg. I have, I have her response. We're going to do that new drill. You're, you don't know the response. You don't even know what letter I have. I don't know the letter. So listen up fella. Dear Amy, I was adopted within my family when I was a little girl. My grandparents on my father's side forced my father's sister to

adopt me. She raised me. And though we were never close when I was a kid, in recent years, we've developed a better relationship. I am stuck trying to make my aunt slash mom, in quotes, and grandmother happy. Every time I need to make a major decision, and sorry, every time I need to make a major decision, and it's not what they envisioned for me, they guilt trip me mentioning how they saved me from the life I could have had. I was divorced a few years ago and was a single mom and not once did I ask for financial help from them. However, when I cannot afford an extravagant gift for them, I never hear the end of it. According to my grandmother,

how much I spend shows how much respect I have for them. I've been dating a wonderful man for the past two years and we're ready to be married. I've tried to ask for my family's blessing, but they do not like him because he's not the same ethnicity as I am. Oh, shit. They also think he's cheap. Oh, so he's Jewish and they're Catholic. And I guess that's a different ethnicity. I am so hurt. Now they are forcing me to choose between pursuing a new life or them. How can I move on with my life knowing that I am rejecting the family that saved me signed torn between family

and love how how did they save her they didn't save her they fucking destroyed her life she needs to get this guy whatever race he is if he's if he's chinese get on one of those fucking pull carts. Have him pull you out of town. If he's Mexican, then get on a bus with this guy. Whatever it is, get the fuck out of that town with your ethnic guy and never look back. You should have a column. Although, I have to say, this week, it's very different than Amy's response. Amy's response, dear torn, your grandmother's right. Ditch that Jew. What?

Wait a minute. It may not have said that. It may not have said that. I can't be sure. Um, yeah. Dear torn repeat after me. I do not owe my family unending gratitude. Repeat after me. I do not owe my family unending gratitude. Also, unless her dad is dead, isn't it that guy's fucking fault? Yeah. And by the way, which means that's the grandmother's fault in a way, or at least in part.

This is like Chinatown. Her son couldn't even raise his own daughter and literally was like, get away. The sister's taking over. Yeah. It is like Chinatown. Her son couldn't even raise his own daughter and like literally was like, get away. The sister's taken over. Yeah. It is like Chinatown. Yeah. Yeah. What was the thing when she was slapping her?

He's a Jew. He's a Chinaman. He's a Jew. He's a Chinaman. My mother, my sister, my mother, my sister.

How many acting schools use that scene? It's a literal, like when you see the movie now, everyone must be like, ah, that's a little over the top. It's only over the top because people have kind of made fun of it or have incorporated it. Or when they're doing dramatic things like the, you know, the, the fighting it, fighting it. But meanwhile, she is getting the shit slapped out of her.

Let's not forget that part. Yeah. Not to mention. All right. So she's the product of incest who's getting slapped around, but things pick up 10 seconds later. She gets shot in the back of the head while driving away. That's a little bit of a spoiler alert.

Go watch Chinatown people. Hey, in our blurb, maybe we should put like, watch Chinatown before you listen to this podcast. Yeah, right. All right. So it's time for a couple quick listener emails. This one comes from Gary in Louisville, who says, oh, no, from Mike, Mike Moultonton who says, Greg, Mike, enjoy the show. About the mask wearing. The virus is 100 nanometers

in size. A human hair is 100,000 nanometers in diameter. A cloth mask doesn't stop shit. It's like wearing a condom made of chain link fencing. It makes the other person feel good when you have it on.

Dot, dot, dot. Hey, Mike, go fuck yourself. I'm so sick of people with these conspiracy theories that are wrong and they're emphatic about them. It's not somebody questioning. It's somebody that has out-thunk Fauci and all the people that are fucking experts. This guy, Mike Malton. I'm sorry, Mike.

I'm glad you're a fan of the show. But don't spread disinformation on the internet. Leave the disinformation to us, please. Right. Yes. Who cares about the size of a piece of hair? What does that have to do with the fucking droplet of coronavirus? the size of a piece of hair. What does that have to do with the fucking droplet of Corona virus?

Also Mike thinks wearing a chain link fence on your cock feels good for the other person. Let's not forget that detail. Right. I feel sorry for his wife's vagina. Jesus. Yeah. Uh, this one doesn't sound very,

like very safe sex to me, Mike. This one comes from a woman named Joanne. I seem to have a crush on you two. Hey, how about that? Greg, you should read that. Why bury the lead? I know.

We have to deal with Mike's bullshit before we hear about this fresh new woman who has a crush on us? I think because it just came in, so it was at the end of the list. But, you know, it's exciting to hear. I mean, you and I, your hair is wild. Maybe you shouldn't cut it. And mine, I just got my daughter shaved it again. It's fucking sexy. Old guys are in right now.

I'm going to start wearing a chain-link fence if Joanne's interested in that type of thing. I mean, you're doing one push-up a day. We're hot. Some days. Some days. This is from Gary in Louisville who says, Hello, Greg and Mike. I seem to have a crush on Joanne.

Oh! Wait a minute. This is where the episode would end. You've got to tune in next week to see this shit. Just wanted to say great job on the show and keep up the good work. P.S. If you read this on the air and Joanne hears this and wants my info, please pass it along.

Well. We're, we're reading this guy stealing Joanne away from us. We're, we're facilitating this. Joanne, away from us? We're facilitating this? I don't think that any guy listening to this show is going to be able to fulfill a woman.

Is desirable in any way? Yeah. No, the guys that listen to this show, I think of as they're overweight, they're unemployed. Everybody right now, get down and give me one. They're overweight. They're unemployed. Everybody right now, get down and give me one. Right now.

But listen, you know what? Take Joanne. We don't need her. You want to know why? Every single week our mailbag has had, every week. Go back and look at it. Every week. Every week some woman's had a crush on us.

Every single week. Starting with the first week, by the way. Yeah, so go ahead. The show wasn't even on the air yet. Yeah, you think we'll be dry? I don't know. I can't. But never mind.

Mike, you're going to love this. A couple iTunes reviews, or I should say Apple Podcast reviews. Somebody says, Grapefruit Simmons is one of my all-time favorites but for as speaking of which we got the grapefruit simmons shirts where's my shirt oh yeah so people will think that was a i just reordered them we got a big fucking shipment of grapefruit simmons shirts pick one up high High quality fabric. I forget what they cost. They're not a lot. 15, 20 bucks.

Go to fitzdog.com. Mike here, let me give you one right now. Oh, you're going to throw it to your right. Whoa! Look at this! Oh my God! How can you not be watching this show on YouTube right now? By the way, so last week, it was even more believable than that.

It was so great. And then we weren't recording. You forgot to press record on the video. So we are describing this visual gag. And cracking ourselves up. That's what we do on purpose if we were trying to be funny. Grapefruit Simmons is one of my all-time favorites, but for as funny as he is, Mike

Gibbons is as equally repulsive. His quote, holier-than-thou attitude and left-wing elitist stance on everything is ridiculous. I thought I was right-wing. He epitomizes all that is wrong in today's society.

He constantly spews left. Go, what? You know, we get hundreds of reviews, but I just felt like reading this one. He spews leftist talking points and has all the facts wrong while demonizing anyone who dared disagree with him. Next one. Next review. Literally, not making this up. The next one. Okay literally not making this up the next one okay i love you greg and

his elderly conservative friend are hilarious keep them guessing keep what am i am i an anarchist or am i right down the middle of the road who knows i? I think you're Antifa. You're Antifa. That's like people, well, whatever. Greg, pick up something else. Pick up a pen. Let's do another throw trick. Ready? Yeah.

Oh, it's a bag of weed. I thought you threw a pen. Oh, you got a little weed for your camping trip? I think so. Oh, nice. Because I doubt I'll be high and get incredibly paranoid at 11,000 feet when it drops to 33 degrees like it did last night. Oh, does it get that cold? No shit. No, it's a problem. So the socializing, and by the way, the mountains are so high. And I know

people there are like, oh, good. You know in LA. How high are the mountains? Higher than the mountains in your state, Colorado, higher than the mountains in your state, Wyoming. So we are right in the shadow of Whitney sunsets at like 5 PM. And so you have to get basically in your, you can't stay outside. Fires are not allowed above 10,000 feet. Why not? Do not have a fire. I know the more I'm talking, the more I'm like, why am I going? And, um, so you can't really last that long before you need to get in your sleeping bag. Yeah. Wow. So great time to get super high and then be alone in your tent in a sleeping bag, wondering if you'll freeze to death. By the way, great fucking show on Netflix called alone, where they drop like 10 people in different areas of the wilderness. And they have cameras themselves, like GoPros, and they have to try to survive. It's so fucking good. It's so much better.

It's called Alone? It's called Alone. It's really good. Yeah, the episode, the season that's up right now, they're dropped in the Arctic in September, and it's already snowing. And they have to, and there's no fucking food. They're all starving. It's great.

There were a couple of those shows. There was one guy, and one of them filmed himself. And another guy, the camera crew couldn't get in. I remember two shows came out at the same time, and another guy couldn't get involved at all. Like, the crew could not get involved at all. Yeah. But the one who was doing it himself was really impressive. Yeah. Uh, do you want to do an obituary or you want to go straight to the Sunday funnies? I need a haircut, man. Let's go to the funnies.

All right, let's go to the funnies. First of all, newsflash. I got so many emails from people this week about Joe Biden has a Hager the Horrible comic strip on his desk. I don't think he knows so much about Hager. No, I don't think he does. And I don't think that Kamala Harris would be very happy about it either. Did I say it right yes yes unlike tucker carlson yeah i'm like fucker carlson that's how he pronounces his name isn't it oh wait a minute i'm a right-wing old curmudgeon i forgot so i looked it up i was dying to know what the

whole comic strip was so i did a lot of research and i found out that for you know his son bo died and he went through a very dark period and he said uh for decades he's kept a lot of research and I found out that, you know, his son Bo died and he went through a very dark period. And he said for decades he's kept a cartoon of Hager the Horrible on his desk. In one frame, Hager stands beside his ship driven into the rocks by a storm yelling, why me into the clouds as lightning roars behind him. In the next frame, a voice from the sky asks, why not? Hmm. In the next frame, a voice from the sky asks, why not? God's like a therapist in that equation. Yeah. So how's it related to his son?

Well, I guess it helps him through a hard time when he just thinks when terrible things happen, God is just sort of like, why not? You know, like, why not you? Bad things happen, God is just sort of like, why not? You know, like, why not you? Bad things happen. Yeah, I should be more evolved, but at that point I'm kind of like, yeah, fuck you, God. Like, I just asked you why my son died, and you're like, meh, why not? It's almost Jewish. It's almost like God's an old Jew from the Old Testament.

Like, why not? Well, wait, by definition, isn't he an old Jew from the Old Testament. Like, why not? Well, wait. By definition, isn't he an old Jew? He's the original Jew, right? Well, yeah. His son was a Jew. Yeah. But I think it's mother. Isn't it your mother has to be Jewish, not your father?

You think God fucked a woman? If you were God, would you not give yourself a lot of women? I think you might have the wrong God. Are we talking about the one we were taught and beaten about

in Catholic school? Yes, Hosanna. I think our God's name is Hosanna, isn't it? Yeah. Well, he didn't fuck Mary. We know that, right that's no he did fuck mary didn't he didn't he fuck mary perhaps you're forgetting she's the virgin mother well he spiritually that's how by the way that's how you that's how you kick off a believable story

virgin mom two words two words and you're off to the races yep well yeah he did he fuck mary of course he impregnated a single a married woman in a small town in the middle east yeah he fucked mary joseph's like so who first of all you're not letting me touch any of that. And now who's this strange? How dare you? I'm the first cuck. Well, we know who's not the father. We fucking know that, Mary. Yeah.

I know we don't have Maury in this fucking millennial, but... We also don't need a DNA test uh you've never sampled my dna so this is uh a comic strip called hager the horrible where as you know hager's got a wife named helga helga and uh he also on the side seems to rape women. So in this cute one, he's walking down the street with Helga, and there is a beautiful buxom woman standing in front of a house. She looks like she's got on lingerie.

And then there's a monk walking by with a sign that says, Love thy neighbor. Hager says, What does brother Olaf's sign say? Helga looks at the womanager says, What does Brother Olaf's sign say? Helga looks at the woman and says, Never mind.

Because if he'd seen it, he would have raped the woman. Their storylines are a little predictable. Yeah. Let's get to the far Side, which we read. A couple of these we read not because they're bad, but because they're good. Far Side, three cavemen sitting down, and they all have fists. They're all making fists, sitting next to each other.

And one of them goes, dang, tied again. Ready? One, two, three. They're playing rock, paper, scissors, but there's no paper scissors yet. That's hysterical. Sorry. You kind of have to see it. The listeners, I couldn't see it.

Maybe the listeners were with me. Well, if you're watching us on YouTube, then you can see it. There were no paper and scissors, see? There's the Lockhorns where Leroy is your typical 50s husband who has everything done for him by his wife, who he then denigrates publicly and often. They're sitting at the dinner table and he's eating and he looks at her and he goes, table and he's eating and he looks at her and he goes, how is it everything tastes like chicken except your chicken? That old gem. Is that an old one?

I mean, I think that must have been used like your chicken tastes kind of like chicken. That has to be a classic insult. I seem to be overvaluing the Lockhorns because I love them and so many people think it's a shitty cartoon. Well, listen, it's hard. It's not as great as Family Circus, which I monitor.

Alright, before we get to your Family Circus, we'll do a quick Andy Cap because America and England loves Andy Cap handicap i do too uh he's just uh he's a good guy and they have a solid marriage in this one he's laying on his back and uh he is passed out there's a swirling mark with a star coming off his head indicating that he is passed out. And then his wife, is it Flo? Is standing above him.

She has a bruise on her nose and her cheek. She's been struck by him multiple times. And then the thought bubble in her head is, blimey, I've done it. Out for the count. He's never been knocked out before so the accent was what now irish okay but they live in england but she's irish because it's the only accent i can do she beat him up they had a fist fight the husband and wife

and uh and the woman was was punched in the nose and cheek at the very least we don't know about body shots but she managed to and he's not a big guy that's the thing about him no he's kind of a slender build and uh i think when she's when there's domestic abuse once in a while the woman will fight back and win and then you put it in so then you put it in a comic strip so that kids can read it. Yeah. I know. I love it.

I love it. And maybe it was like International Women's Day and they needed to turn things around in the handicap factory. Yeah. Let's throw them a bone. Let's have the woman win this one.

Now, don't get us wrong. She's going to take a beating. It's not like she walks up and hits them clean. Now, don't get us wrong. She's going to take a beating. It's not like she walks up and hits him clean. Also, women aren't going to like to hear this, but she sucker punched him because he can take her every time. Don't misunderstand what's going on here. Yeah, let's not send out a message to the women.

And it would be very funny if this is the one we dig in on, like on the double standard, like that's spousal abuse. Yeah. How dare Andy, Mrs. Andy cap get away with this shit.

Yeah. Right. That's the one we write letters on. That's really funny. Actually imagine like a letter writing campaign to all the newspaper chains. Like how dare you make light of spousal abuse? She, she knocked out her husband.

Yeah. Right. Wasn't there a case of that with celebrities where the husband charged the wife with abuse? By the way, that does happen all the time. Of course it does. Yeah. I had a girlfriend punch me in the face once, and I never hit her. Okay.

I assumed you hadn't. No, I've never hit a woman. You've never had a woman you've never had a woman once but it was halloween i was a teenager and she was dressed as a man and she sprayed shaving cream in my eyes so i i couldn't see well and you know she was dressed as a bum with a mustache and so i chased the bum and i knocked her down and I was punching her in the face and then people started grabbing me and screaming, it's a girl, it's a girl. Guess what happened next, Mike?

And she's like, I could have been a contender. Instead, I'm just this bum. I'm just, I'm a bum. I got a pillowcase filled with Milky Ways, but I'm a bum. I'm literally, I'm a bum I got a pillowcase filled with Milky Ways but I'm a bum I'm literally a bum so guess what, she then has a crush

on me, the girl who I didn't know before gets a crush on me so you get some sense of what her family life is like and then I'm at the lakes. I'm at the Tarrytown lakes and I'm flirting with her. And my friend, by straddling her chest and punching her face,

go ahead, you know, do it, giving her the old Andy cap. And, and my friend Chris skates up and checks me as hard as he can. Levels me, almost knocks me unconscious.

And I have to, I have to leave the ice. She then had a crush on Chris. No longer had a crush on me. Are you serious? Yep. Wow. Yep. So, Mike, let's do a little family circus.

I know you love it. Okay. Holy shit. So this one is a dad and son. They're continuing this camping storyline. So the dad and son are overlooking this river. They're on a river's edge and you could see like waterfalls on the right coming down. And the little boy says, cataract? Question mark. Is that what grandma had in her eye? And so, first of all. What?

Yes. Did you know that a waterfall, especially in a river, is sometimes called a cataract? Did not know that. Same. And I'm going to real cataracts tomorrow at 445 in the morning. I'm going to actual cataracts. And I've never heard that. But so this creatively and comedically bankrupt industry that's called Family Circus,

and comedically bankrupt industry that's called family circus. They've chosen, you know, a malapropism, but they've chosen a word that a kid, the kid has to fucking at least use the word on one side of the equation. Yeah. I don't think you ever tell the kid it's cataracts. It's like maybe it's grandma's eyes aren't good or those are grandma's, you know, crazy glasses. Yeah.

And then a kid is he just heard cataract from the dad. Yeah. The dad wouldn't. It's just it doesn't make sense at all. So anyway, I looked up malapropism. So malapropism, which is the easiest technique. That's what all these fucking family circus are, it's the mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentionally amusing effect. And I'm saying family circus does the exact opposite.

It's intentional with an unamusing effect. Yes. Not unintentional. not amusing unamusing you fucking fraud it's a fraudulent funny i feel like family circus is what you watch what you ingest because there's books there are collections of family circus and the only way you would purchase it is it is the entry level to comedy it is the first nano step towards i mean if the final step is like a fucking jacques tati French comedy from the 40s or Monty Python or something that's got layers. This would be the most soft exposure you could have to comedy. Yeah, the frame before this is a rubber chicken.

Then there's this piece of shit. And then maybe a banana peel. We're still in that stage. Things chimpanzees find peel. Like, we're still in that stage. Right. Things chimpanzees find funny. Right. Right. Anyway, listen.

Here's what's not funny. Blondie. There's nothing funny about Blondie to me. I've never laughed at Blondie, and yet there's no comic strip I have looked at for more hours. And it's almost like when I look at Blondie, I do. I forget that she is the product of a man's pen i feel like she has to be real she moves me her bosom and it's the same

here's the thing about her bosom this guy's a fucking pervert because they're always the same there's always a little bit of side boob they They have, they don't look fake, but they look full. And her hair is always teased up in a way that it's just, so in this week's, um, there's the, there's the duck with the cigar. I forget which shitty comic strip he's from, but it's one of these cross ones where he's,

he's in the first frame and he goes, well, hello there. Second frame, he's sitting with Blondie at a bar and he says, what's a fabulous babe like you doing a comic strip like this? It's a cross promotion. Was that the whole? Yeah, that's it. The joke being, what are you doing in this comic strip?

But my question is, what's she doing in her own comic strip? What's she doing with Dagwood as a husband? Yeah, what are you doing in this arrangement? What the fuck arrangement? What happened? What crime did you commit? What Muslim society are you in that you are straddled with this social zero? Unattractive, not hardworking, doesn't fuck you.

You kiss him. You turn him. Last week, she kissed him and he fucking walked outside to tell his neighbor about it. Like a child. You can't remember anything we do on the podcast, but boy, is that locked in there. That kiss. Jesus. It hurts me.

That duck could have been you. I think a little animated picture of you. If you want to draw it, people, do it. Send it in. Listen, Mike, we always do. We never look at the clock. And then when I go to close the show, it's an hour and 40 minutes every time.

And that's what we did again. Sure is. So listen, you've missed your haircut. No, I texted the guy during the handicap story, I think, and he's going to take me later. Okay, good. All right, so listen. I go to his backyard. He's cutting it in his backyard.

We want to thank you guys. Our ratings are just going up every week. ratings are just going up every week it means a lot to us that you're leaving great comments and five-star reviews at the um uh at the apple podcast site we love getting your emails and uh just a shout out to you guys thanks and no angry letters from the south based on my ram last week it's because they they can't write they were can't. They can listen. There were two. I didn't read them because I felt like I was already shitting on you enough

with that other guy. We'll get to those on Thursday. All right, next week. I'd like to hear from the South. Don't forget the Thursday podcast. Also, follow Mike Gibbons at GibbonsTime on Twitter and Instagram.

I am at Greg Fitzjoe on Twitter and Greg Fitzsimmons on Instagram. And FitzDog Radio, Childish, my other podcast, Mike Gibbons is working It's Joe on Twitter and Greg Fitzsimmons on Instagram and a Fitz dog radio childish. My other podcast, Mike Gibbons is working on a show right now. He's working on a pilot script. So when my pushups don't get in the way and I do work on it 10 minutes at a

time, the first eight I'm usually settle in. Then I do two solid minutes of hard work. Well, thanks for listening. And it's another week in this goddamn, it's crazy. The horizon keeps getting further away. I know, I know.

And not even further away. The worst thing is I don't know how to pace myself for where it ends, you know? I don't know how to live my life. It's kind of a lesson in being in the moment. You, you, I swear to God, I am living in the day more than I ever have in my life. Yeah. You can't really make plans now. Well, that's why I'm going to go up and try to kill myself in the shadow of Mount Whitney. All right. Good luck up there. Thank you. We'll catch you guys next week. God bless. Okie doke. Wrap it up.

Wrap up your poor. You've got a birthday gift for your mother. You don't have wrapping paper. Take this paper. Wrap up those fucking slippers. Give it a mom. Love it. See you next week.

Take it easy. Sunday, Sunday papers. Taking them ends of the day. They don't let facts get in their way. Sunday, Sunday papers. No, they don't fact check the things they say, but we all listen anyway. Grew up fruits and ends is on the microphone. Night givens is always in the zone we've got the quickest wits and Craig's obsessed with Blondie's

tits can you hear them reading from afar the bicycle and Mike rides on the handlebars Sunday Sunday papers taking the news of the day On the handlebars. Sunday. Sunday. Sunday papers.

Taking them to the top of the day. They don't let facts get in their way. Sunday. Sunday.