Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 242 12/1/24

Episode Date: December 1, 2024

Walmart woke and then fell back asleep, inmates are getting pregnant from separate prison cells and Harvey Weinstein is upset that his cell is too cold.Watch Greg’s new special, “You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest”Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Thanks to Heil Sound for the new microphones https://heilsound.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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takes to be a bingo master at grandmasters.ca must be 18 plus play smart There he is. Read all about it! Okay. Oh my god, this is an exciting week. We have a big announcement to make. Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody.

Look at you guys. Holiday weekend. It all went well. No tension, no weirdness. Fair play. Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody.

Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving week, everybody. Look at you guys. Holiday weekend. It all went well. No tension, no weirdness. Family, no family drama. Smooth. Lots of alcohol.

Lots of confessing. You know, I've always loved you, but... Ooh, that's an interesting twist. Yeah. Are you going to do, so in fairness, in full disclosure, we're recording this on the Wednesday on Thanksgiving Eve. Do you go around the table and do what you're grateful for? Yes. Oh, all right. Do you load up anything or you just wing it? Just wing it. Kind of like the podcast. I think we

should do it right now. Tell me what you're grateful for. I'm not ready to wing. I don't wing it. I'm grateful that Walmart is getting rid of woke. That's a tease for a story we're about to do. That's good. I'm grateful that methamphetamines have a new way of making it across the border. Yes, I'm grateful to have gotten to know Chuck Woolery. Especially when I was in my teen years. What are you talking about?

He's in the obits. No, Chuck. He will not be back in two and two. Yeah. He will not. We will. He will. Good. I can take that. We can take that. Hey, so I'm working for a few weeks. No one get excited at Netflix, right?

All of a sudden, yesterday, we parked, the parking garage is on the right here, behind what you're about to see. We pull up and there is a giant inflated Jake Paul. Oh my god. And it is, you can see literally it's one, two, three, it's about three and a half stories tall. It's gigantic. He's in his boxing gloves, right? So there it is from behind and you can tell it's night now. I'm leaving last night. All of a sudden I hear a sound and it starts to go down. I'm like, yes, I'm scrambling.

I have to get my phone to record video. It went down so fast. There he is face down. I didn't get it. I got a picture of him after he went down. There's Jake Paul, as he should have been in the fight, face down on the floor. Do you think that was done on purpose?

No, I think they like brought it from wherever that thing was, probably a fortune to truck it across the country. I heard it was, I think it was probably in Dallas for the fight, but I heard it was also in New York, and there was a big Tyson one also maybe, but it made it all the way home to headquarters. Wow, that's perfect.

I love that. Yeah. A bag of air falling down. Yep, nothing on the inside, just vacuous. This country, when you think about the card did it start with the Kardashian I was started with Paris Hilton when started with Ronald Reagan if you ask me But go ahead. No, I mean just in terms of the Internet just vapid People with nothing to offer but they figure out the algorithm and they ride it and they become famous and young people

Believe the myths that they're putting out and they don't look at I mean it it's crazy what happened to what's happened to our heroes what happened to talent being a prerequisite yeah now did the algorithm tell you to wear that hat this hat was a gift from my mother I will you, I'm going to South Africa in December for three weeks with my wife and kids, my stepsister, her husband and two kids, my mother-in-law, my brother-in-law, his wife, their two sons who both have wives.

What audio setting did you just touch? Oh wait, I had a phone call come in. Can you hear me now? Yeah. Yeah, now you're back to normal. Some asshole's calling me from a health... Why is it when you make a doctor's appointment they have to confirm it through text,

email and phone calls three times? Well, maybe they're somehow seeing this as a recording and they're very concerned about you wearing that hat and maybe it's an emergency reach out. This is a great hat because I can swim in it, I can walk in it. For those listening, it looks like, kind of like our logo a little bit.

In the logo, it's a great logo, great logo from Wizard of Oz and the Wicked Witch is Greg with his green face. This is a green hat with glasses. And it's a wide brimmed hat. Now you don't have the pointy witch part, but you are wearing a very wide brimmed, I guess you're going to call it a safari hat, aren't you? Yeah, that's right. It's what do you mean I'm going to call it? It's a safari hat. It's a lightweight. It's from REI. It was $49 and my mom got it for me for Christmas. And is the idea of the safari hat like the one you're wearing,

is the idea that wild animals would be laughing so hard they couldn't possibly attack you? It's just amazing when you start working with Jeff Ross on these roast type shows, you get so quick. You get so funny. It's like a muscle, isn't it? Yeah, the hat joke muscle. By the way, speaking of roast, I'll talk about it later in entertainment, but I watched Jeselnik's new hour it dropped this week on Netflix. Oh, can't wait to see.

Listen, he it's he's he's one of the best joke writers around. The jokes are amazing. They're very similar in theme, of course. A lot about crimes against young children, both sexual and violent. Like that's kinda, you know, I wish in a way he did a little less that, but the jokes are bulletproof. But he ends it. I implore you to stay till the end,

and we'll talk about it, but I wanna mention one thing, cause it's about Rose. He tells two true stories at the end and one is about roasts and it's a great story about the three roasts he did and one with Mike Tyson and it's definitely worth it to to make it that far. Yeah, wait, think about Jessalynick, I don't know if people realize this, Jessalynick basically tours with The New Hour for a year, and then he makes it into a special. And then the next year, he does not tour. He doesn't make money.

He performs at the Comedy Store and the Improv, and he just works on The New Hour piece by piece, builds it for a year, and then he starts all over again. It's crazy. So what's great up top is he talks about, he talks about that, but he talks about a year ago, he did this like joke in the South and someone said this. Like, so he talks about the experience and now his closer because of a comment in the audience was moved to his opener.

Anyway, you'll see it all. It's very good. Okay, good tease, Mike, good tease. Sure. closer because of a comment in the audience was moved to his opener. Anyway, you'll see it all. It's very good. Okay. Good tease, Mike. Good tease. Sure. That logo, by the way, is Bruce Wise, who's a big contributor to the show. Thank you. The song this week, Sam Famino, kind of put some heart and soul into it. It had a little Chris Christopherson to it. I heard what's his name from Canada. Of course, I'm just Leonard Cohen.

Yeah. I heard a lot of Leonard Cohen in that song. All right. In a good way. Are you on board with Leonard Cohen? You know what? Here's the thing. Leonard Cohen to me is like Joni Mitchell and like the gym.

I know I should be doing it more. I know I'll feel better after it. I also know it's good for me, but I don't do it as much as I should. I would not put him. I mean, Joni Mitchell's Canadian as he is. Other than that, I have no idea why those two go together. Joni Mitchell's album, Blue, her album, Blue, is my top three albums of all time. Wait, you know he's considered top,

I guess we could put top five for sure, but many people consider him the top Canadian lyricist, you know, songwriter ever. Neil Young? No, I know, but I'm just saying, like he's like the Bob Dylan, he's Bob Dylan-ish. No, I get, but I'm just saying like he's like the Bob Dylan. He's Bob Dylan ish. No, I get I feel the same way as you.

I respect him. I kind of get it. But I think like who's like John Prine. I get it. Everybody loves him. He's meaningful. He's quality. He's a journeyman.

But I'm not going to just not gonna listen to it. No, Prine is a little more listenable for sure than Cohen. Yes, I agree. I agree. Some people didn't agree with us. Last year, we got some, last week we got some corrections. What?

Unbelievable. You think after all these years, people just realized that we're nailing it and not to nitpick, but they do. Mike said, while ending this week's show, you told us to watch your special life on stage. I'm such a good fan. I played, you know me on YouTube and life on stage on Amazon while doing The Dishes last night. Life On Stage was my last special, which is on Amazon. You confused your specials?

I confused them. Oh, boy. I mean, because neither name is good. What do you mean? You Know Me? It's not bad, right? I like that. All right. I think you picked it. I think I did. Yes. No wonder you like it. Tim Dilley said, well done. Tim Dilley is our friend who we play golf with. He donated money to the Writers Guild Strike in exchange for nine holes. He ended it. He ended the strike. With the Irish mafia. That's right. Well done, Mike. At the one minute nine second mark of the one hour 30 minute podcast, Mike said that Arizona State played Duke in men's basketball.

In fact, in fact, Duke played the University of Arizona, not Arizona State. Here's the confusion. The bet was proposed by our buddy, Ruby, who went to Arizona State. So I just thought that's why he's interested. But you're right. Also, very important. I don't give a shit. I'll second that that that's Arizona. That was the that was the Leonard Cohen of Corrections for the day. I was there last weekend. I was in Tempe. And did you see the end of the the errors? Yes, they all ran on the field.

They all ran on the field. I've never seen that happen in football history. It's a stadium that holds 100,000 people. I would say 60,000 of them were on the field because the game ended. But then the ref looked at it and realized there was one second left on the clock and they were down by less than a touchdown. So- Hail Mary could do it.

So BYU received the ball on a kickoff and they, no, there's three seconds left. So they had enough time to receive it. They got it to the 30 and then they called a play through a Hail Mary, which the guy fucking caught on the two yard line and couldn't push across the end zone. He would have flipped it.

Craziest ending I've ever seen. It took them a half an hour to get all the kids off the field. And they had pulled down the goal post. They're also, that is Arizona State and they're not bright there. They are not bright. Unlike the University of Arizona.

Did I tell you I figured out their school colors? Yeah, aren't they in the name or something? No, it's tan and blonde. Oh. It's uncanny how many blonde kids go to that school. It's- It'sade. Oh my God. He's one of them. Didn't Brody go there?

Yes. Yeah. I think maybe I'm confusing. He played baseball. I think it was Arizona State. All right, so there's a bunch of schools that are either state or university of. Michigan, obviously University of Michigan,

where your daughter went to school or is about to graduate from school. And a big rivalry with Michigan State down the road. But which schools are, is it always the University of that's better than the, than the city state? And this, than the? Yeah, I mean, I think- Like University of Michigan is better than Michigan State.

Is University of Arizona better than Arizona State? Right, like the university school system in California, UCLA, UC Santa Barbara, is I think generally considered better than Cal State, you know, Cal State Northridge, Cal State wherever. There's very good Cal State. Well, because UC's got Berkeley, which is the crown jewel. So I think, I think, but I should just say I don't know. But the university ones are not, maybe it's that they're private. Is it that simple?

Yeah, I think so. I think University of Texas is better than Texas State. Right? Now, I bet there's a very, a list that people can point to of very, very good state schools that are better than their counterparts. I'm sure that's the case, even in California. Yeah.

Cal State Poly, for instance, is very good. You know, that's just off the top of my head, and I don't know a lot about it. Yeah, all right, well write us in if you have some responses. And then we got Meep Zork is this gentleman's name who's been a part of the show for many years. Sure, Meep. He said the song with Moon Unit Zappa is called Valley Girl, not Jewish Princess. Did you mention Jewish Princess? Did you mention Jewish Princess? I think we were... Is that another song of his?

No, I think I just mistook the song Valley Girl for a song called Jewish. I thought it was called Jewish Princess. But Moon Unit Zappa is actually a good friend of mine. She's a great chick. She wrote a book called America that I highly recommend. Nice. Tour dates coming up. San Francisco punchline, December 5th through the 7th.

Come on out. I like to sell these shows out. It's my second favorite club in the country. It's legendary. Robin Williams started there, Dana Carvey, all those guys. And the women, Paula Poundstone, Ellen, your own Ellen DeGeneres. Of course. Who we talked about last week, who has left the country. I don't know if that's happened yet.

Well, she better go soon because- Let's celebrate. Yeah. And she might have crossed paths with a guy named Jake Johansson in those parts, who had a very unique delivery. And let's just say Ellen has that unique delivery.

Yes, I think we can say that Jake is going to live on in spirit in England. Yes. I hope she finds a little pub and starts doing stand-up on Tuesday nights at Ye Olde Kingshead in Plumesbury. Yeah. Cleveland, Hilarities, December 13th and 14th, great restaurant as well as a great club. Janesville, Wisconsin in January,

also Nyack, Raleigh, Milwaukee, Vegas, Atlanta, Hollywood, Ontario, Toronto, Pittsburgh. Go to FitzDog.com, get yourself some tickets, come out and see some live comedy. We have no advertisements this week, so this particular program is coming to you. Well, actually, no. But should we get into this now? Yeah. So a lot of people, we asked you last week, we've got this new ad service that inserts pre-produced ads into the show. And we've been doing it for about three weeks,

maybe a month, and we were curious to feedback on it. And universally disliked by the listeners because the ads are dropped just right haphazardly in the middle of the show, not in the middle of a sentence or even a story. And people don't like that. And also the volume apparently is about four times louder than the podcast.

So anyway, there's points of insertion and I went to the app, this is an app where I control all of this, and I removed the middle of the show insertion. So I think the only ads are before and after the show now. And I'm gonna talk to them about the volume and see if we can work with that. But we would hate to take a show that we care about as much

and put as much effort into and have people turned off by advertising because we need it obviously to pay for the show. We pay our producers a pretty good amount of money every week to do the show. And so we need to make it, but we don't want to sacrifice the quality to do that. So thanks for the feedback.

Also, maybe we, speaking of ads, talk about the shirts. Let's do it. Here's how we're going to make up for the income that we just lost by not putting ads in the middle of the show. We are announcing, it's official, that the Sunday Papers t-shirts are on sale.

As of right now, if you go to fitsdog.com, you're gonna find a link for the t-shirts. They are available in extra small through double XL. You can choose, there's seven different colors to choose from. It's a high quality cotton shirt. It just says Sunday Papers with a cool little graphic on it. And I believe you can also get a shirt that says,

take it-ish! Okay then. Yeah, so if you wanna get that, that's also available. So get on there now, plenty of time before the holidays. These will get to you Within six days of ordering the shirt Mike is not handling shipping and delivery. This is being done by I know I'm sorry people company Well, we're all caught up. It's a year later, and I think we're all caught up on the koozies

so now we can launch the t-shirts in a professional manner and Pick them up. I believe they're $26 plus shipping and handling and we'd love for you to support the show we'd love for you to walk around and people ask what Sunday papers and then you tell them and we get some more listeners and And it's just a great way to say hey, thanks guys and We hope you're proud of the show and you want to walk around with it on your chest and your tits. Oh, fellas.

Hey now. All right. Do we have a piece of paper? Let's see. I have some whole cashews from Trader Joe's. Oh, that's going to serve it. That does it. That'll serve the purpose.

Two inmates. This is a great story. Two inmates in solitary confinement have revealed an exceedingly unusual way they got pregnant without even meeting. Daisy Link, 29, gave birth to a baby girl on June 19th, while serving time at the Turner-Gilford Correctional Center in Miami. She had been behind bars for about two years serving time for murdering her boyfriend. Oh, Daisy. Oh, she's going to be a good mom. The pregnancy confounded Link's family, who suggested she was sexually assaulted and demanded an internal investigation. Sounds like somebody else investigated internally too.

But it has now been revealed that the baby's father is another inmate, Joan DePauze, 23, who is also accused of murder. Gee, wonder what sci-fi fucking movies coming out of this. Yeah. The two had never met face to face and had never even touched. She said it was like the Virgin Mary. So what happened is, you know, that that boyfriend killer, Mary. What happened is, DePauw's, the guy passed his semen through the air

conditioning vents in their cells. You would knock on it and you could hear people from different floors. You stand on the toilet and you talk to them. And through the vents, two inmates began a romantic relationship, passing notes and photos back and forth. Eventually, DePauze shared his dreams of some time having a baby. He remembers saying that, Eventually, DePauw shared his dreams of some time having a baby. He remembers saying that I didn't really plan on doing it for a long time, but if I had to choose somebody, you know, it would be you. And she was like, yeah, we could do that.

It's just like Romeo and Juliet, the writing. Yeah. So, you know, it's amazing. They went right through the air conditioning duct. The hardest part, apparently, was stuffing that freezing cold sperm inside of her hot vagina. OK. I guess she was worked up, huh? Yeah. Are you kidding me?

First of all, they have AC in prisons. I don't have AC in my house. And also, how powerful is this AC unit that it shoots it in her twat? Is that good for the algorithm? Yeah, right. Yeah. I mean, to put your sperm in the AC, and most inmates just hurl it at the female guards.

Yeah, exactly. Like Migs in Silence of the Lambs. That's right. Look what happened to him. I told you with Ben Hoffman, we were gonna do an actor's studio with the guy who played Migs. And just the whole, all the index cards

from the actor's studio Q&A from James Lipton was just going to be about throwing sperm. How did you do it? Did you train? What acting school did you go to? Is there a sperm throwing acting school? That's great.

All right. So we had difficulty having our first child back in the early, actually in the year in 2001, it was right around 9-11. I remember because we had an appointment that day and we're like, is it closed now? It should be. But I remember anyway, one of the phases was I had to go, they wanted to test mine or whatever. So I had to go put it in, I had to go produce sperm. And then I had to put it in a cup if I did it at home, because one time I did it at home, I had to put it under my arm to keep the little like Petri dish under my arm to keep it warm

as I drove there. Because I remember thinking of a curb your enthusiasm because I'm like, this is kind of dangerous. Also, what if I had a stick shift and all this? And I thought that would be a funny curb. Someone gets in an accident, but he doesn't have time to exchange because he has sperm under his arm. I thought that would be pretty funny. Yeah. Wait, why can't you do it? Why couldn't you do it at the office? No, I then did. But it's like I had to go through a series of them.

And then one was like, I it was like I couldn't go in. They didn't open in time and I had to get to work, whatever it was. I did one of them at home and brought it in. Wow. Because I told you the other one I did there. They like put me in the room when they're like, there's magazines and videos. And so I'm like, all right. So I opened the drawer,

and in addition to heterosexual porn, there was gay porn, and I'm so stupid. I was like, oh man, these guys are keeping this big, they shouldn't have a baby if they're gay with her. Like, they have these giant secrets. Not thinking like how many is probably used more by gay men trying to you know you know use a surrogate. I think that's really. Meanwhile I muscled through it. I had no problem getting one out in record time but that was a big question hanging in the air. I think it would be a really good premise for a movie that a guy goes in to give sperm

to his wife and there's gay porn and he just happens to look at it, gets the biggest erection he's ever had, realizes he's gay, but now the wife wants the baby. He also keeps like, he's like sleeping outside the clinic. What time do you open? I got to get back to that video you have in there. I can't find it anywhere else. Yeah. All right. This brings us to our next story.

World's largest retailer, Walmart, mixes DEI and LGBT themed products. The move by the world's largest retailer marks a seismic shift in corporate strategy that comes after attacks by conservatives and activists at the company's woke policies. Some of the sweeping changes include abandoning a $100 million racial equity center set up in 2020 after the killing of George Floyd and leaving a prominent LGBTQ plus gay rights index. The retail juggernaut also won't be giving priority treatment to suppliers that are 51% owned by women, minorities, veterans, or members of the LGBTQ community. You know what? America is great again. Can you feel it? And it didn't cost much for Walmart

to pivot on the equity center. They just changed the sign and added an IN. It's now the Inequity Center. And they added another 100 million. It's a $200 million Inequity Center. Yeah, Walmart, our country's conscience, Walmart. Yeah, Walmart, our country's conscience, Walmart. They are still committed though to the seminars for the workers on getting welfare because of the low pay.

You know that they do that, right? Yes. Yeah. They're the worst. Yeah. And I guess because they're not supporting the LGBTQ, they're no longer going to... Stiff women's Levi's in size 34 by 26 with rainbow suspenders and four-inch cups will be out of stock. Well, yeah, that size. They're back to bigger sizes again, I think.

Without the rainbows. All right. A new rule allows HIV positive organ transplants. That's a positive story. A new rule which takes effect today is expected to shorten the wait for organs for all, regardless of HIV status, by increasing the pool of available organs. Previously, such transplants could be done only as part of research studies. Poor monkeys. The rule removes unnecessary barriers to kidney and liver transplants, expanding the organ

donor pool, and improving outcomes for transplant recipients with HIV. Listen, we've got great news. We found you a liver donor. His name is Charlie Sheen. So good luck. Yeah. Yeah. The liver comes with an IV.

I mean, look, gay guys are always trying to stick an organ in another guy. So this makes perfect sense. Yeah, it's a little unclear. I guess it does widen the pool. So it's I wonder if there was a limit on giving it to people with HIV. That probably wasn't one of the limitations. It's just the donors, right? Yes. I mean, look,

it's natural to lose 75 pounds after surgery. You'll look great. That was another curb story I pitched, by the way. I officially pitched. You write them down, you send them, and who knows if you ever read them. But one was Larry's in the gym and all these buff dudes and everything. And it turns out they're gay. And he's like, what do you do? What's going on?

He's like, well, you know, I have to work out. I'm HIV positive. He said, well, tell me more about it. And anyway, long story short, Larry decides, I'm just going to do the HIV protocol. I'm going to take the shake in the morning. I'm going to go to an HIV doctor. This guy looks more alive than I do and he has HIV. And so I thought that would have been good. I like that. I don't think they ever did HIV on Curb. May I think they had to have.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess somebody sent some styrofoam coolers to Haiti. Their new export is going to be their number one export in the country. It is going to be their number one export now. I think this is you. Is this me or you? Oh, this is me. A California man was arrested at LAX after he allegedly tried to

check two suitcases filled with clothing soaked in methamphetamine, including a cow pajama onesie. Prosecutors have indicted Raj Muthari, 31, with one count of possession with intent to distribute meth.

Just imagine this cow pajama, what a hit it would have been at a furry rave. It's a solid bet this plane was going to Ibiza or Barstow. It's hard to tell. Yeah, we're going to Ibiza, connecting through Barstow for about seven minutes. I think if you can please everybody, the connection is tight. If you can let the man in the cow pajama onesie plane, he has a connection. He'll be right back, but he'll be missing the bottom half of the outfit. Don't worry. He will be very quick.

He will be very quick. He will be very quick. You wouldn't believe this disembark. It's gonna be record time. Harvey Weinstein's lawyers filed a legal claim Tuesday against New York City, alleging that he is receiving substandard medical treatment in unhygienic conditions while in custody at Rikers Island.

First of all, we should say in his defense, Rikers Island, it doesn't get any worse. No. The claim accuses the facility of failing to manage the former movie mogul's medical conditions, which include chronic myeloid leukemia and diabetes and negligence ranging from freezing conditions to a lack of clean clothes.

His lawyer said, when I visited him, I found him with blood splatter on his prison garb, possibly from IVs, clothes that had not been washed in weeks, and he had not even been provided clean underwear, hardly sanitary conditions for someone with severe medical conditions. He compared the place to a gulag. He also was not provided with a potted plant to jack off in.

I want to where's Harvey's air conditioning? Does does Rikers have air conditioning? He could reduce stress by jacking it into his AC, maybe get another person pregnant. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he could sexually harass a woman in another cell. Yeah. I think I would think or would have thought that the attorney's main complaint would be the almost constant prison rape.

Like, I think that would move to the top of the list over it's a little chilly. Exactly. And what's with the wanting clean, fresh clothes? Does he want to look sharp for the other inmates? I think the better strategy is unkempt and smelly. If he's unkempt, I mean, he is one of the more gruesome looking people. Even when he was at like the Oscars in black tie, he looked like a pig. Do you think, very unpopular question,

I'm just gonna say that out front, very unpopular question. Do you think, especially with this stuff, right, is there a chance to some people, the minority, he gets sympathetic? To black people? He what? To black people, the minority, he gets sympathetic. He what? To black people? No, that he gets sympathetic when his story is told and he's dead. Right. And you look back on it.

I'm wondering what the most heinous what did you if you were dealing with someone who viewed him as sympathetic, what's the most damning story you tell first? Well, I don't know which one that was. You mean if you're trying to remind people how bad he was because they've forgotten. Um, I mean, I know there was forcible rape. There was definitely women held down and raped, but there was also, there was also systematic, like, you know, just being gross jerking off. Oh, the systematic exploitation. Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, women who lost their jobs because they wouldn't have sex with them. And, you know, and he dies in really rough shape. As an old man riddled with cancer in Rikers, you're going to get some people who take his side in thinking the punishment was too harsh. I'm not saying he should be free, and I'm also not one of those people. I am just entertaining the thought. I think they're making it easy for people to say they went too far with this guy. Well, I mean, look, there's a consensus among a lot of Americans that if you ended up in jail, you don't deserve any human rights.

And I don't agree with that. I think there's a lot of people in prison for three strike laws, fucking pot possession, circumstantial things where maybe they're innocent. So I think there should be a baseline quality of life for people in a prison. But that shouldn't include conjugal visit AC units. No. That should not come with it.

Right, right. Let's do some entertainment. Okay. I have a letter right here. You have a cashew. I have this gentleman's, oh, it's a blank piece of paper. I have a letter right here. You have a cashew. There's a gentleman's... Oh, it's a blank piece of paper. I got it.

All right. I started watching Say Nothing. I think that was our homework assignment this week was to watch Say Nothing. So I won't get too into it because I don't want to ruin it for you, but I read the book. The book was one of the most powerful books I've read. It's about the troubles in Northern Ireland in Belfast and Derry. And it tracks two stories. And one of them is Dolores Price and her sister, who come from a legacy of IRA members and how they get involved.

It's a true story and it's really powerful. Seeing the depiction of the British military coming into Northern Ireland and absolutely just torture, like literally picking up people randomly off the street, old men, women, and torturing them and holding them for as long as they want. You know, and first of all, this is an area where there was no voting rights for the Catholics, so there was limited voting rights. None of the good jobs went to the Catholics.

It was abusive. They couldn't get housing. And this has gone on for 800 fucking years. And to watch this show, I was crying. I was literally crying at how angry I still get towards the British of how they treated us. They treated us like fucking animals. They looked at us like we were beneath human beings. And this story is, it's a powerful story and the mini-series is very well done. It's on Hulu. All those stories of exploited people,

especially at the hands of incredibly powerful opposing forces, those always get me. Whether it's slavery, whatever it is, it's so heinous. No, but being Irish, it will hit you even harder. It really hits me at a deep level because my grandfather was in the IRA. He was a messenger for the IRA when he was a teenager in Ireland.

Lightening it up a little bit, avoid, in my opinion, at all costs, a movie called substance, which somehow has mostly good reviews. It is by this French woman who made her first movie was too violent to be distributed or something. I went on Wikipedia like, who the fuck is this? It's with Demi Moore. The reason I'm getting all these I don't know what her name is.

The reason it's getting all these positive views is she was brave enough to be naked, naked a lot. And Demi Moore was naked a lot. Yes. Huh. Do not rush there. Trust me. So then it gets so grotesque. But it's like there's a culture. It's so I thought for sure was a and maybe she is gay, but it was so flamboyant and over the top. So over the top with blood spurting literally like a firehose in a theater covering everyone's drowning in it.

The most over the top performances ever. It's the worst piece of shit I've ever seen. Where did you see it? And her daughter came here and they bought it. So I fucking am on record for buying this movie. Jesus. On a streamer. I don't even know where it is.

So I then went and looked at Metacritic and found the reviews. And the best was Chicago is having none of it. Both the Tribune and the, what is it? The Courier of Chicago. Oh man, I'm spacing out. Anyway, both of them hated it. It was fantastic.

And they say everything I was thinking. Great series about Martha Stewart. I believe it's on Netflix. And everyone loves it. I mean, look, we all know creative control. That's the key to a good documentary. Martha Stewart has woven her way through our culture since we were kids. I mean, she is a dominant force. She created a type of viewing for women that was, on one hand, it was true to like the fucking Betty Crocker and who is the woman from England who did the cooking show? Julie Child? Julie Child. Like, it really was a hands-on, here's how you do it. But it also kind of made women feel empowered

that they could be working women, that they could be independent and also love crocheting and also love centerpieces and cooking. And she's just a perfectionist. I mean, it comes across that she was a real pain in the ass to work for. As a matter of fact, I, Erin is related to somebody that worked for her and actually doesn't speak badly

about her, but said she is a very tough boss. Well, her blind spot when it was a promo that went around, her blind spot of where her husband cheated on her and just get out. Everyone get out and then you hear off camera. But didn't you cheat on him? She's like, what? She's like, oh, that was early on.

And that was, no, that was very different. And he didn't know, and he never knew about it. Yeah, the double standard. But the double standard is, if a man was that powerful and demanding and cheated on his wife It would be nothing that would not be the story The story would be that he was successful and so when she got sent to jail that in center trading was like a $35,000 trade for her which her broker called her she. She was on vacation in the fucking Caribbean.

She got a phone call that he thinks, is this stock is going down? Should we sell? She said yes. He never said, I have inside information. She never got it from, she got it from her broker directly. That guy went to jail for a long time. She got dragged in because, I really do believe,

I mean the spirit of this documentary is, there was a double standard and there was a lot of people that didn't like a powerful woman, taking charge of her business the way she did. But like a lot of powerful people, but we're moving constantly and there's a wake of sometimes destruction behind them that they cannot be bothered with.

And they also have very much double standards. Yes. I mean, it's Ellen. It made me think of Ellen DeGeneres a lot, actually. Yeah. Just to avoid a correction, and you're gonna not believe me, Julia Childe is a Childs or Child? Child.

Julia Child is from Pasadena. Now. Yes. Why does she talk like that? What, she talks like this? That's not British. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh God.

Julia Child was born August 15th, 19, I should have saved that even though it's not this date. In 1912, she's an American chef, author, and television personality. She's recognized for having brought French cuisine to the American public with her debut cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Well, she was married to a British guy.

Is that what you're going to say? Yeah, I'm just trolling people. No, I don't know. She was married to Paul Cushing Child, an American civil servant and diplomat. Yeah, but he was a diplomat. He was ambassador to England.at. Yeah, but he was a diplomat. He's ambassador to England. So British, born in Jersey.

Died in Lexington, Massachusetts. Perhaps one of the most American cities of all time. All right. All right. You know, if we're going to get up on details. I also have been watching season two of Bad Sisters. Season one was one of the great experiences in TV watching that I've ever had. It's an Irish show. Yep. Season two is good.

It's not as good. Very hard to follow up a great first season. I mean, think about how many shows like even what was the soccer show with the guy from SNL? Oh, yeah. Ted Lasso. That lasso great first season, second season. Awful. Well, that's why I mean, the real greats, sopranos, a wire

Game of Thrones, the wire, Breaking Bad. You know, someone reminded me, it's like, this is how you know a truly great band. When in concert, they say, we're going to play you a new one and you are sight. Yes. You can't wait to see this evolution. Where are they going? Yeah. When I go to see Foreigner and they say we got some new stuff, I'm just like, let's fucking go. Oh, by the way, speaking of that phrase, in Say Nothing,

there's a scene where the the IRA is throwing Molotov cocktails at the at the British. And one of the guys says, let's go. Let's go. And they kept saying, let's go. It's like, no, no, no. That phrase started last year. I fucking hate it when there's a period piece that uses vernacular from current times and the writers don't notice.

Nobody said, let's go in 1972. You don't, Greg, let's go. The way he said it. It was like, you know, the way people say it now. Yeah, no, of course, with a with a ton of O's. Yeah, it was that really. Yeah. Is there also another scene where some girl goes hock tour? Which also I hope that was around before her. Yeah, it was Lil Kim.

But it was also all those sayings are also most of them. They're around. And then someone, though, does it and it goes viral. All right. You already talked about Justin Lix. Let's move on to. So I want to say after the roast story, he then it's the second to last thing he does in the hour Because he just tells a joke at the end, but he then tells a very true Norm Macdonald story. Oh great really. Yeah, okay. I like that

All right time to make America floor ridder All right, this is a little brutal, but so we'll try not to dwell on it. South Florida man is accused more than accused. I'm going to come out. I'm going to say he did it. South Florida man fatally beat golfer with club at a course in Palm Beach Gardens. Dennis Goebbens read this story and went, yeah, I get it.

A West Palm Beach man is accused of beating to death a 65-year-old man with a golf club, choking him on the first hole of a public course and holding his head in a pond. Detectives met with a witness who said he had been playing golf on the first hole with two other people when they heard a man yelling. They then found the victim fleeing from the suspect. The witness told officers the suspect

was holding a golf club and swinging it towards the victim. The witnesses told them that the guy was yelling, he's trying to kill me multiple times. At one point, both men fell to the ground, and the guy struck him numerous times at the club. After they separated, the guy, the killer, retrieved another club, because he was closer to the hole, and again chased him toward the pond. So it's a gory story. Go ahead.

Yeah, they got to like 100 yards from the green, and he's like, ah, this is a nine iron. This is a nine iron now. I'm not hitting it that well. I'm not hitting the human head that well lately. I think I should go pitch and wedge. Well, you know, in the guy's defense, the human head of the guy, he was white

and he had pock marks and he thought he was a titleist. I know, I wish it was on a private course. I'd have a little more understanding of the resentment of this guy. I think when he was running away from him, what really slowed him down was carrying the golf clubs. The thing is, the victim's wife is never gonna believe why he's late this time. Every time he plays golf, he has another

excuse. I just love like, I can get angry, I can lash out, but then I stop. Like most people have flashes of rage, but then they they, you know, after the first burst, you don't then change clubs, you don't then drag him to a pond and put his head in. Like that's real fucking, that's a psychopath. All right, well, you're right. The problem with this story is no one research it, but the other, the killer was not a golfer.

So it did remind me of mentally ill people who used to flank the, at Penmore on Rose Avenue. Yes. And I remember you're like, like you just leave them all over there. What was your line about that? I was like, by the way, anybody see a ball? I lost my ball. And they're like, I lost my house. I lost my family. Yeah, you know what? I'll let that one go.

I'm going to drop here. I'm going to drop it. All right. Let's make Texas, Florida. A North Texas man was arrested for allegedly shooting arrows at Walmart customers. The 47 year old took a hatchet, a bow, arrows, and arrowheads. I didn't know they sold arrowheads. From the store, then barricaded himself in the store surrounding himself with items,

and he started firing arrows at employees and customers. No one was injured, luckily. But you see, Walmart no longer woke. You go in there, you can load up on all the firearms and all the weapons they have and just go to town. No, what's great is there is no firearms. This is kind of like a vision of what it's gonna look like once the libtards take everybody's guns away.

Yeah, I should say it's weapons, not firearms. This was like a mass shooting from like the 1800s. Yeah. While Bill Hillcock in a Wal-Mart. Yeah. And for all you people that say, oh, it's no guns. It's like the weapons, a violent person. Here's probably a good example. I think you could have sprayed a couple of them with bullets

if he had the opportunity. Yeah. All right. What are we doing here? Let's do some sports. Do we have sports? ... Yes, here's what we have in sports. Mike Gibbons, who I guess the World Series was in October, and he lost $100 to me.

It's now almost December and the $100 has not been paid to me. Almost like- Here it comes, right God damn now. Almost like the koozies. No, it was not $100. It was $100. Was it really? Okay.

Yes. Like boy, I caved fast there. I thought it was 50. Okay, it was, is 50 with Ruby. All right. Whoops up here It's coming right now, but I already paid you paid you for the koozies the koozies came in last week Got the hundred now now I can take my wife and my my mother out to dinner tonight somewhere cheap. Maybe in an out burger. I Know it's on below don't order in because it costs like $60 for a burrito when you order in in Los Angeles. Oh, it's crazy. You don't have to wait for me. Let's go to International. You've been All right. The Pope's surgeon faces fraud trial for pretending to operate.

The prosecutor said there were 29 occasions when the surgeon stated that he was in the operating theater when he was actually elsewhere. So this is the guy, this is the Pope's doctor. Now it's not about when the Pope was under the knife. This is just the hospital near the Vatican. The investigation into the doctor's alleged absenteeism began after a complaint from a female patient who said she did not believe she had been operated on by the doctor despite his name featuring in hospital records. So she had her time of surgery, and then they investigated and they saw

he left the hospital an hour before and was at a speaking engagement. Well, where's this woman's faith? Like, it's like God can be everywhere at once. Can't this doctor? Yeah, they do have the God complex. Does she not believe in miracles? Why does she get the Pope's doctor?

Meanwhile, she buys that the Pope turns water into wine. There's no leap of faith here. It's really on her. Yeah. Also, why doesn't the church just move this doctor to another parish where he can keep committing these crimes? And then when he's busted there, move him to another parish where he can keep doing the crimes. We're how are they not seeing how easy this is? Right. Right. I know he should really go into pediatrics.

Most of the Pope's people are pediatricians. Should we go down to this day in history? Most of the Pope's people are pediatricians. Should we go down to this day in history? It's good to this day in history. We're moving it along today. This is going to be a tight one, people. We got Thanksgiving cooking to deal. Okay. We also have the big day tomorrow, which hopefully your family is going to be a big part of, because normally you're up in Ojai.

This year you're here. You got your fiance and your daughter's home and we've got the annual soccer game that I started about at least 12 years ago. They were little kids. I think it was 20 years ago. Yeah. And so big soccer game, we sometimes have like 30 or 40 people out there and then we go home and have dinner and then we go to the beach at seven o'clock and we get about 30 or 40 people running into the ocean screaming and then everybody's going to come back to my house we're going to have a giant lobster pot filled with spiked cider. Everybody brings dessert. Usually it's at the Dunskys house and they're away this year, so I'm picking up the rent.

It's a little more limited. I don't think we invited as many people as the Dunskys invite. Right, no, that was a big neighborhood thing for sure. Yeah. All right, pal. Rosa Parks selfishly did not give up her bus seat on this day. In what year?

Give or take? I'm going to be generous. Four years. Your window. I'm going to say 1958. You did it. 1955. I knew it was earlier. say 1958. You did it. 1955. See, I knew it was earlier.

Yeah. You know the details about that is she actually sat in a seat that was approved for black people. But then more white people came on the bus and the bus driver got up and moved the row back one. And that's when she refused to move. Yeah.

Yeah. So she really wasn't that brave. She was just, you know, the line was in the sand. No, but also it's a fascinating story. So this bus driver and she did not get along So when if there were no seats in the front when you were an African American and you you had to pay You had to come in the front door Hey, you were not allowed to walk through the white section

To get back to the black section if there were whites on board You had to then get off the bus go to the black section, if there were whites on board, you had to then get off the bus, go to the rear door. So a time very close to this, before this, she got on paid and then she tried to walk. He's like, no, you know the rule. You gotta go out through the back door. When she got off the bus, he closed the doors and took off after she paid.

Yep. Fucking asshole. It's so hard to imagine that 75 years ago. I was born 12, you were born 11 years after this. That in this country, people based on the color of their skin were told where they could go, where they couldn't go. And this is after, you know, constitutionally,

there was supposed to be equality. And still you had, what do they call them, Jim Crow laws? Yeah. Crazy. And then people want to go, oh, black people should just get over it. It wasn't that fucking long ago. I look at how angry I get about the Irish around that same time. Right, yeah,

I'm trying to point that out. And I I look at how angry I get about the Irish around that same time. I was trying to point that out. And I can't imagine how black people feel. I don't even live in Ireland. No. No, it's unbelievable. But a new topic that's been floated is white reparations. You know about this.

What's that? White reparations is to compensate white people who might not have gotten a job because of quotas and because of woke America recently, you know, handing out jobs and stuff and skipping white people's resumes and all that type of stuff. White reparations, I wish I were making it up. We're thinking of we're thinking of doing it on this Rose to the Year that I'm working on a Netflix and we're thinking we start riffing in the room of like, you know, white rep also, let's go back to the civil rights movement. You know,

expensive it was to build two bathrooms, one for black men, one for white men. Those white people need to be paid back for that. Right. Right. It's costly. Yeah. Two water fountains. Yeah. The baseball bats that we bought to break up the marches, those, you know, those are Louisville sluggers.

We had to train German shepherds not to attack white people. That's a whole extra layer. Not all the dogs can do it. Yeah. Right. Yeah, right. All right. On this day, in what year was the legend Richard Pryor born? I'm going to give you give or take three years again, Generous.

Well, he was big in the 70s. He was around in the late 60s. So I'm going to give him my mother's birthday. My mother was born a little earlier. I'm gonna say 39 1940 nice. Yeah, my mom was 42, but I figured he's a little older than her The first World AIDS Day was held oh The first World AIDS Day was held give or take three years in this year All right. I worked in a hospital in 1983, and that was when AIDS was just coming up. Like,

literally, I served, I delivered food to the rooms of the patients. And there were, there were, I forget what they called it back then, but it wasn't even called AIDS in 1980. Maybe it was 82. They didn't even call it AIDS in 82 or 83. It was called something else. And I had to wear a mask and plastic gloves and we used disposable silverware. So AIDS Day would have taken a few years after that. I'm gonna say 87.

Golly, 88. Nice. Look at you, you're undefeated. I'm three for three. The world's first moving assembly line debuted, used in manufacturing Model Ts at a Ford factory in Highland Park, Michigan. The innovation was the idea of owner Henry Ford,

and it revolutionized the auto industry. This revolution was on this day, in what year, give or take, four years. Look how tight the windows are getting because I'm on fire today. Well, I mean, you have a lot of clues there. It's the Model T production.

I would say, I know that people were driving in the 20s. So this must have been before that. I'm going to say 1911. Lordy, low 1913. Hey now. I mean, maybe we should get out. I don't know. Madame Tussaud. Who cares when she was born?

Okay, last one. Because I remember where I was, and it was appointment viewing. They told us what time of day this new music video called Thriller was gonna be premiering on MTV. And I was home for Thanksgiving break, and I remember not missing it.

So the groundbreaking music video, the Michael Jackson song Thriller, aired on MTV for the first time on this day, in what year, give or take, two years. I'm giving you a five year window pal. Yeah, all right. I'm gonna say 1980. I love it, 83.

Oh, shit. We're gonna end on that note, I love it. All right, all right. Just by one. I should have known that. Oh, what am I thinking? I bought tickets for that tour. You were allowed six tickets

and I was a parking attendant, so I should have known. I was 17 years old and I was a parking attendant and I left the other guy, worked the shift and I went and stood online. I said, if I go, I'll split the profits with you. I bought six tickets. I think they were like $30 each

and we sold them for 200 a pop. It was, I think they called it the Victory Tour. I think Thriller was on the Victory Tour. Oh, all right. Good story, you missed it. All right. New section, letter to the editor, not new, I mean like new chapter, let's go, letters to the editor.

All right, here we go. This is from Sam, first time, long time, never get sick of that. I am just sending a quick message to respond to your inquiry about how the new prerecorded ads on Sunday papers. From my experience, they have been significantly louder and often inserted at very inopportune places, usually in the middle of sentences or words.

Otherwise, I love the show and have listened since the first episode. Thanks for giving me something to look forward to at the start of each week. Best, Sam. Very nice of you to say, Sam. So I guess I already kind of covered that, but there we go.

I got a lot of those letters. All right, we covered shirts and hats. Shirts and hats, go to fitsdog.com. That's where you're gonna see the link to the shirts. No, the hats are gonna be- Did you mention hats? No, hats we're gonna, I think we're gonna do, we have a surprise on hats, but that's gonna be coming soon.

Okay. Let's get to Mr. Woolery, the obituary. And that's get to Mr. Woolery, the obituary. And that's all folks. Chuck Woolery, man, was he a fixture. Boy, it really makes you think how different TV was. Like, why was I even seeing daytime TV? Because there were so few channels. Chuck Woolery, the affable, smooth talking game show host of Wheel of Fortune, Love Connection, and Scrabble.

I didn't know this. He later became a right-wing podcaster, skewering liberals? Chuck! And accusing the government of lying about COVID-19. He has died of stupidity at the age of 83. No. He, I don't know, know actually what the cause of death was, but Chuck Woolery is no more. I just looked up his net worth.

Guess what his net worth is. I mean, those are syndicated. Okay, I'm gonna tell, I'm gonna say he made millions a year, right? It's probably 250 million. Lower? 110 million. Lower 110 million lower 70 cents. $10 million.

Impossible. Yep. Impossible. Maybe he had some kind of a gambling problem. I don't know. I mean, the amount of money, he was a host of multiple shows. Yep, network shows, syndicated shows. There was no, I mean,

he did have to buy a lot of hair product. Yep. And a lot of tanning. There was a lot of tanning going on. Yep. But I mean, if he had to be pulling in multiple millions of years, multiple millions of year beginning in the late 80s, in the early 90s, I think. Yeah, I'm just scanning. Yeah, he went very conservative. He was a Christian and he was married five times. There you go. There you go. And the father of five children.

Oh, his son died in a motorcycle accident. Now that's sad. I think I do remember his tragedy in his family. So his adopted daughter of actor David Nelson and granddaughter of Ozzy and Harriet Nelson. Okay. I think we can move on from Chuck. Well, actually, our audience does know him.

Yeah. I mean, Chuck Willery was a staple. He was a big deal. I always liked him. He had a great sense of humor. All right. Let's cheer up. Let's do the funny.

All right. All right, let's cheer up. Let's do the funny. Here we go. All right. All right. Last week's caption. Again, if you would, if you want to write captions for our jokes for captions, we do it every week. You send them in to FitzDogRadio at gmail.com and the winner, who we judged to be the funniest joke of the week, gets a koozie sent to them

in one to three days. Just as slow as can be. Here we go. So last week's caption was a gentleman sitting in a bar who looks inebriated. He's in a suit and there's a pink giraffe that looks kind of hazy, almost like mystical. And he's standing there and the giraffe is talking. Yeah, the guy's trying to shake it off. He knows he's seeing a vision, a hallucination.

So Kurt says, the last time I took a drink, I was mauled to death and abandoned by my herd. Anyway, sorry for the loss. Enjoy your blackout. Hmm. Lot of information there, okay. Yeah, Mike Sikorski from Pittsburgh said, Hmm. A lot of information there. Okay. Yeah. Mike Sikorski from Pittsburgh said, that glass of absinthe has you higher than my pussy

right now. Seemed like any way to get that word, that P word in there. Yeah. It felt a little like you. From Pittsburgh, PA. Brian Woodhouse said, once you go pink, you'll never rethink. All right, Brian. Okay. The drafts hitting on him.

OK. Woody said, sorry, all the unicorns were booked. OK. He wanted. He wanted to see a unicorn, I guess, when he drinks. Emmanuel Hoonis said, I used to be a chunky pink elephant. See what is that? See how See how Zympic works? Changed his species, okay. Kellyanne says, Jeffrey finally confronts his old boss

from Toys R Us. All right, an imaginary. You remember Jeffrey the Elephant? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the elephant, Jeffrey the Giraffe. Jeffrey the Giraffe, that's, yeah, very specific yeah. Not the elephant, Jeffrey the giraffe? Jeffrey the giraffe, that's, yeah, very specific back to an ad campaign. Let's go down to Tom Keel.

Remember when you asked God for a sign? This is it, quit drinking, you stupid drunk. I like the idea, it could have been worded better. Not bad. Edward says, just relax, have another drink. The more you tense up, the more this will hurt. Oh, the giraffe's going to have its way with him. Have his way.

Brian Walker said that wasn't a micro dose, was it? Well, you read that the right way. Yeah, that's that you help that. Tim Daniels, Ellie's off tonight. I normally work the fentanyl circuit. And then he writes side note would be cool if you and Mike would write one. Here's another side note. Your listeners are likely comedy nerds.

They totally get excited if you all expounded on writing good captions jokes. All right. I'll write one for next week. All right, next week we're each gonna write one and we'll give ourselves koozies. I guess if you wanna talk about fundamentals of writing a good joke, I think brevity is the soul of wits. Keep it tight, extra words do not help.

How about that's right, Frank, eyes up here. That doesn't really address that it's a vision. Right. Also, there's a rhythm to comedy. I can't, nobody can describe it. I don't know if you can teach it, but it's poetry. There's a rhythm and a meter to how words land and make you laugh. So rewrite it and rewrite it. Usually your first version of the wording is probably not going to be your best. Any advice, Mike? Yeah, I have to text my daughter back right now. Any advice, Mike? Yeah, I have to text my daughter back right now.

Okay. She just tried to call. I ignored it. Uh-oh. Yeah, you definitely led. You didn't bury the lead, which is brevity. And you're going to try to avoid a lot of the first instincts. Not always, because sometimes you're naturally approaching it that way. So you've already not considered some of the easy ones. And then you have to

have a point of view, I guess, in a way. And so what would it be here? Like, is your point of view, is it going to be sexual? Is it going to be drug-related? Sometimes they can be very quirky, and, you know, sort of they take a left turn. Those are almost... Those are rarely the first instinct, so those are worth looking at. Yeah, sometimes you got to say to yourself, are they going to get 10 of this joke,

in which case you probably are not going to make the finals. Yeah, and the joke is one thing. It's a little like what I'm teaching in the sitcom class. Like your character really has one want. Don't split the drive. Like it's also he wants to be, you know, win approval from his parents in addition to getting this job or whatever it is.

So really try to make it one goal. It lends power to your story, that simplicity. And same with a joke, in a way. You don't want to, you don't want to, like, for instance, the last time I took a drink, I was mauled to death and abandoned by my herd. Anyway, sorry for the loss. Enjoy your blackout. It seems like there's a bunch of things going on there.

Yeah. All right. Next week, the caption is... Did you pick a winner? Oh, no. Let's pick a winner. I'm sorry, everybody. Jesus.

You went ahead and come in. I'm sorry, I got a Senegal Cousy. I know. Well, I like, I like, once you go pink, you'll never rethink. That's cute. Oh. I like once you go pink, you'll never rethink. That's cute. I like Jeffrey because it's a good poll. It's a good reference. The simplicity of the asking God for a sign wasn't bad from Tom. Yeah, I feel like that the wording could have been better, but it's a good idea.

That was, I like, you know what, I like the one you read by Brian. That wasn't a micro dose, was it? I like the one you read by Brian. That wasn't a micro dose, was it? Yeah, Brian Walker, I like that. Because the problem is, Brian, you had Greg help you out, because the way it was written, it could have also been like, that wasn't a micro dose, was it? Or like, there's many ways to read that,

so you have to help the reader in the writing of your joke. Yep. All right, congratulations, Brian Walker, the winner of this week's Coozie for the caption contest. Next week's caption is, it looks like there's kind of an alley in the background. You see a sign that says Easter Bunny here today so clearly there's a store that has an Easter Bunny as a promotion but now

we're in the alley around the corner from the store and the Easter Bunny is standing there with his the head of his costume off smoking a cigarette there's a little kid in her mother's arms and he's very upset. His mouth is wide open. He's looking up at the sky. He is clearly disillusioned and upset. Did I describe that? Well, I mean, people are going to see it, right?

The kid's distraught, holding his head in his hands. He's looking up to his mom, he's falling to his knees and he's saying something to his mom about this cigar smoking on a smoke break Easter bunny. I think it's a cigarette. I don't think it's a cigar. Okay. And by the way, Jason Love was our illustrator for this. Shout out to Jason Love for the caption. All right. I already have mine.

I know what I'm gonna submit for next week. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get to Hager the Horrible. The king and his wife are sitting down. They've got goblets and they're dressed up and there's a banging on the wall, it looks like. And she says, do you hear that?

We have vermin in the walls. Second frame, Hager breaks through the wall and goes, name calling? Really? You're better than that, my queen. And I just like that he calls her my queen. So you, little bit of ownership. He's already got her in the crosshairs.

That's his queen. That's not the king's queen anymore. Yeah, he's gonna own that thing. Yeah. Also, I like the Lenny and Squiggy entrance. Hello. I think we got Vermin. Hello.

Leroy and Loretta are sitting at the breakfast table. He's reading the paper. He's got sunglasses on. He said, you said you didn't want to see me roll my eyes at you again. Solid. Then we've got them sitting at the kitchen table and she's serving him something and he goes, very creative Loretta. I've never heard of a charcuterie board made from leftovers. very creative, Loretta. I've never heard of a charcuterie board made from leftovers. Right. It's not great.

That's not great. Okay, this brings us to Dilbert. I haven't read it. Three panels. A guy I've never seen before. Is that Dilbert? In the red shirt? Yeah. Oh, I guess the red shirt threw me. All right, it's Dilbert. Dilbert walks in towards the guy with the smack your bitch up here haircut. And he walks in and he goes, Dilbert says, I saw your email about destroying the company. And the guy goes, huh? And then the middle panel it says, Huh? And then the middle panel it says the guy with the hair says the only email I sent you was my strategy for the coming year and Dilbert goes well maybe I read it too fast. I don't want to hear anyone defend this piece of garbage. Wow. This is the number four best Dilbert comic strip of all time.

Come on. Wow. Is it just a bad attitude? Is that what's funny about having a bad attitude? Well, unless he said that the plan is so bad that it's going to destroy the company, but I think that's giving it too much credit that that's what he meant. I mean, this isn't as funny as something that says, Monday, is that my right? Like, that's it.

There's no it's an attitude. Yeah. It's a bad attitude at work. Is that still funny to anyone? This is from 2016, by the way. Yeah. Okay. All right, well listen, Dagwood's sitting on the couch, his hands are in his pocket. Who else sits and watches TV? It's already that you know your wife's fucking working, she's cooking, and you're doing nothing and sitting on the couch. Now you're going to have your hands in your pockets on top of it. And so then Blondie walks in with a pie

and she goes, sweetheart, I'm running late to get to a catering job. A job, she's going to a job. Yeah. Okay. And she goes, I need you to take this cherry cobbler to our new neighbors across the street and welcome them to our neighborhood.

Thank you, honey, you're the best. And he's holding the pie now on the couch. So now you see a frame of him looking at the pie, a frame of him looking at camera. Final frame is him at the neighbor's house. The couple's out front and he says, "'Hi, I'm Dagwood Bumstead. "'I live across the street.

"'A pizza supreme and some hot wings "'will arrive here in 15 minutes.'" So he ate the fucking pie that his wife slaved over while he sat on the couch, and now he's going to spend the money that she's making at her catering job to give to these new neighbors an inferior gift to them. Why? I could see you sitting with your hands in your pockets trying to just dampen down that

erection that you'd have constantly living with her? Like, I would have fucked a pie. I would have been like, American pie. What a wholesome Thanksgiving cartoon, comic, funny. All right, we did it. Tight one today, which I think the audience will appreciate. Not as tight as you thought. Weren't we trying for 110? We're going for 110. This was 118. Don't forget to support our sponsors, whoever they were,

whatever they piped in at the beginning and the end of this. And we're going to remind you guys, we're both going to talk about Say Nothing next week. Hopefully, I won't get so emotional. I think it made Mike uncomfortable. Is that what happened? Yeah, you switch topics really fast like this getting too dark. Oh, no, I was a little I was a little no, I switched it broader to other repressed

peoples, more than repressed, exploited peoples. Yes. And well, we did a whole episode without any politics. There was no mention of politics. I feel like last week we went a little heavy and, you know, this week. I didn't plan it this way, but it's just the stories we pulled. Anyway, America's great again. I mean, we covered that in Wal-Mart. Yep. Don't forget T-shirts available.

Go to FitzDog.com, click on the link, get yourself a t-shirt for the holidays. Get it for yourself, get it for a loved one. And koozies also available for the holidays. We should have made a package deal for both, but we'll do that next year. Yeah. Thanks for listening.

And this week, oh, on FitzDog Radio this week, I had a great guest. But we'll do that next year. Yeah. Thanks for listening. And this week, oh, on Fitts Dogg radio this week, I had a great guest. I had a Sam Morell who was amazing. That's out right now. And then next week, I got Howie Mandel coming on. I spoke to Sam this week. He's doing the New Year's show. You sure about that?

Am I sure about what? That he's doing it? Yeah, he's confirmed. But I'm great. Booking is tough for sure. OK. Look for the show. It's going to be on in December with Geoffrey Ross hosting and Mike is the head writer.

I think the day before we air Squid Game season two. Nice lead in. I like it. It's funny to still use the word lead in, but yeah. It's the most watched week of the year on Netflix. There also, that weekend, Christmas Day, Netflix is doing two NFL games. No.

Yeah. Wow. I just read the Grammys in like four years or five years or will be on Disney Plus. Bye bye, Network TV. Yeah, bye bye. Bye bye, cable. All right. I will see you tomorrow. Take it easy, everybody. Take it easy.

Yeah, I get my news Take it each everybody. Take it each. waiting on blondie and that fool dad would when they gonna break it off I need some updates about gubbins oh no oh no oh no he took too many edibles. Edibles. Govins took too many edibles. The Sunday Papers podcast is my jail. Get ready for Las Vegas style action at BedMGM, the king of online casinos. Enjoy casino games at your fingertips with the same Vegas strip excitement MGM is famous for when you play classics like MGM Grand Millions or popular games like Blackjack, Baccarat, and Roulette.

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