Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 245 12/29/24

Episode Date: December 29, 2024

Sunday Papers T-Shirts available for the holidays! FITZDOG.COM Virginia man tries to rob a mall hosting a “Shop w/ a Cop” event, Taylor Swifts book is flying off the shelves and Bill Maher may be calling it quits!Sponsors:MeetFabric.com/PapersMintMobile.com/PapersWatch Greg’s new special, “You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest”Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Thanks to Heil Sound for the new microphones https://heilsound.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

It's time for the Sunday Papers! Greg Fitzsimmons! Mike Gibbons! Read all about it! Read all about it! End of the year 2024! Grinding to, is it a halt or are we accelerating into 2025?

That was the lamest read all about it. And you said you're on drugs and including caffeine. I took a riddle in. We did, this is full disclosure. This show is being recorded on December 7th because I am currently as you're listening to this in South Africa on a three week trip with my family and So these stories are sort of what we call evergreen. They're not They're kind of just around

They're around Yeah, they were around I'm looking it up. You know, it's often misquoted. The December 7th? What do you think the quote is? What quote for December 7th? Yesterday, December 7th, 1941, and then Roosevelt has a famous saying about the day it was Pearl Harbor Yes, but what's the most famous description a day that will live in infamy right everyone says day a date Which will live in infamy? Yeah, wow well I know no corrections on that one this week. It's kind of like 9-11. I always say forget, and it's never forget.

Oh, it's 11? I thought it was 12. I was sick on the 11th. I just wasn't paying attention to any video. No, you confuse it because you knew about the attack the day before. Well, my wife's Jewish, yeah, so I was on the text chain. Another famous misquote is,

I'll be home, I cannot sing, for Christmas, you can. Count on me. Everyone says count, it's plan. Oh, okay. There's one one version which is not the one you're thinking of that says count but I swear to God like I listen to Sinatra I listen to every it's plan and I'm and I can't but why didn't they change it on the fly count is so much better all right right, Bruce Springsteen, Blinded by the Light. Meanwhile, Christmas is over. Blinded by the light.

Next line. Wrapped up like a douche. Which are tightly wrapped, man. No, do you know what it is? Is it revving like a deuce? Revved up like a de Reving Like a Deuce? Revved Up Like a Deuce, like a Deuce Coupe type of engine, yeah. A guy who did not have a driver's license.

That's right. And that's his first album, I think, when he definitely didn't have a driver's license. And a guy who never worked in a factory or did any manual labor. No, also was always heterosexual despite all his gay songs about dudes. Speaking of which, I was talking to,

I was driving to the airport with my son. Happy, Merry Christmas everybody. Merry Christmas everybody. It just happened four days ago and I hope you... We're doing a lot of pretending. I'm gonna pretend sadly, very fake sadly, that maybe Dick Van Dyke died at the end. No, we're gonna get to that later.

We're gonna get to that later. During the obituaries, we're gonna, I pulled up to Death Pool, and we're gonna choose from the top 10 people in the Death Pool and guess which one will have conked out by the time this thing airs. Conked out, okay. But I have a kind of a joke I'm doing about the holidays. Like the British go on a holiday which is very different because they choose where to go and who they want to go with. Holiday for us, we

go somewhere we don't want to go to see people we don't want to see to celebrate something we don't believe in. Interesting. That seems cynical for the end of the year? Yeah but you know you made it through the holidays, we're pretending this is the other side of the holidays now and you know what? You had a pretty good attitude during it. I did well because I got everything I wanted. Actually I know exactly what I'm getting because my family all shares an Amazon account, meaning I pay for everything my kids order on Amazon

and it's sort of this like, it's time to have a family meeting about this. Yeah. So I know everything that's been bought for me because you can see your orders on Amazon. I mean they have to get better than that. Does that mean you're paying for it? Not only is there no surprise, I'm paying for it. And that's not a surprise, it's really the crime. I just thought about you know in England it's

American, it's boxing day isn't it? There's a boxing day where that's where the- The day after Christmas, right? Yeah, the help, I guess, got presents, I think, or something like that. Yeah, but then they would beat the shit out of them. That's why I call it Boxing Day. Oh, well I was gonna say, Happy Holidays England. You got two American boxes over there,

and Ellen and Portia. Yeah. See? Yeah, that's good. Two cunts. Oh, well that's what the British say. It's what the British say. They just a couple of cunts. All right.

We got to get ready for New Year's, man. Let's move this along. All right. Well, first of all, we're going to next week just to tease next week's show where we will be back. I don't know what day we're recording it, but no idea we will be back on The next show after this is December 29th so

The next show that comes up will be January 5th. Yeah, which we'll have to record while I'm in South Africa I'm gonna have to get Wi- wifi in a tent on a safari. Wow. And we will go through last week, last year's predictions, and we will make predictions for next year. We could take the week. When do you get back?

The seventh. Yeah, maybe. All right, we'll discuss. To be determined. We'll discuss. To be determined, but it's gonna be fun. By now, one of us will have won the Eagles football game bet, and Mike-

By now, that was three weeks ago, pal. I can't believe you put that, that's three weeks ago. That's old news. Oh, actually, well, yeah, all right, anyway. Even though the game's tomorrow. So my son's driving me to the airport and and I have Sirius XM. I bought him Sirius XM for his car. And we're listening to the bridge, which is Mellow Rock from the 70s, 80s. Oh, that's

the name of the station. Yeah. And the Eagles is on and it's one of these nights and he was like he was like I have never gotten the Eagles and I grew up in California he's like I'm awesome he's like I've listened to every Eagle song he goes they never say anything they don't they don't stand for anything they don't mean anything and so just as a goof I put Eagles greatest hits on my Spotify and he is absolutely right. There is not a single song of theirs that means anything. Yeah, I mean I have a thing about Glenn Fry and the Eagles that I think they were just trying to write hits. I know it sounds like a weird thing to say,

but I think they were almost working backwards from like, could this get a lot of radio play? And I guess, you know, I think a lot of artists do that. Don't get me wrong, but maybe not all the time. I think Chicago is a version of the Eagles where they were actually writing songs that there was some soul to. There was some heart behind. There was like passion

insane musicianship Yes musicianship and Yeah, I mean yeah, they had so many fights you don't realize how many hits Chicago had Yeah, they're one of those like we talked about the other. Oh, I think we're gonna count up a band's hits I forgot but we'll do that in the new year. We have a whole, we have a lot of time. Can I talk about trying to get rid of my table? Yeah, what's going on? We're gonna make this really brief, you ready? You put it on the text sheet with us twice.

Nobody wants your fucking table. God, so I have this table and I wasn't trying to like, free, I put it on free. So when you put something free, I did on Facebook Marketplace, the freaks come out, but I don't know how the world even can function because everyone is so wrong about everything and spacey and they don't know how to get something done. So I finally felt, so I had to finally say, this will not fit in an SUV.

It's four feet across but but it's high It's like, you know 18 inches high it doesn't fit in my in my SUV, which is a three row big So I tell people blah blah. Anyway, finally it's done and I'm guys gonna pick it up today Right after this podcast and I'm happy and that's what I told you. I finally found a guy. He has a truck He's coming and then This is the text I just get from Antonio who has the truck and I go There's tomorrow work afternoon around 3 should work perfectly Can you send me the address so I can GPS the distance? I'm like, great.

Here's a guy. He even knows how to put in directions. All of a sudden I do it. He goes, oh my God, sorry. Just realized you're in California. Don't know how that popped up in my search. I'm in Vegas. Thanks and happy holidays. Holy shit. Yeah. Now I have had, you know. And there have been a million versions of that, but I could not have written that one. Like, he's in another state. Every single time I try to sell it,

first I try to sell it, and it's just so stupid. Nobody wants to buy anything. I don't know how, like, you know, my sister is the queen of buying stuff on Facebook, and Mary Fitzgerald, like her house in Boston is filled with like interesting antiques and like this was built in the Philippines and shipped over and it's a chandelier and I'm like how the fuck do you find this shit?

I can't buy anything on there. I can't, I just, I don't get it. I end up leaving my shit, I live in Venice so if you wanna get rid of something, you just put it in the alley, it's gone an hour later. Some woman was, this is the problem though, I'm gonna put it out and then people are gonna realize, oh my god, it doesn't fit, maybe I'll take the glass

and leave the frame, and then the frame, like it's, I just want someone to take it. And then so one woman was like angry, she's like, don't worry about it. I got an SGV I'm like I'm worried about it because you're gonna come to where I live and it's gonna be a whole thing and you're gonna involve Me she's like I think I can handle it. I got a rav4. I just Absolutely blocked her. I didn't even respond. I just blocked her This week's logo is it looks like Nancy and Ron Reagan.

Of course I'm Nancy. Is that my face? That's your face. You look very much like Ronald Reagan, my friend. I look like the guy I hate. Yep. Ron Reagan. Wow, well you know why they gave me his very,

obviously hair, but they gave me his very strong jawline and face and chin. Yeah, you have a strong chin, don't you? I have the weakest chin known to man. Oh, you do? It's an extension of my neck, yeah. So, but you, this reminds me, you're not gonna like. You look beautiful.

You're not gonna like hearing this. You do, because you remind me of your mom. Oh, that's my mom's haircut. And we haven't even talked about how great your mom was at Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. Wasn't that great seeing her? Oh, which is a lot more recent than it sounds here on December 29th. But yes, it was so great seeing her at Thanksgiving. And we went to that bar. My daughter's now bartending at this pretty cool little bar.

And my mom, of course, there was what? A dozen of us at least. And my mom is, as always, the last person that will leave. Like, have to beg her to leave the bar. And she's 82 years old. The best is, of course, we've talked about, but how unbelievably social your family is like that.

And also our friends who are last to leave wherever we go. And so I got there a tiny bit late, but it was still evening. And so then I'm going to get there. I'm like, oh my God, this place is really cool. And there's everybody. And I'm like, where's Jojo? And they're like, oh, she's left. I'm like, what?

The whole reason we're here. And then they're like, oh, she's left. I'm like, what? The whole reason we're here? And then like, yeah. And then everyone stayed three hours. Well, because you guys took so long to get there. I think, did you go to the other bar first? No, but we were at dinner. So we finished up dinner. But it's a cool bar.

Yeah, they've got live music. It was open mic night and it was very cool because, you know, obviously some people were not great and it was a little loud. But then this band came on and it was like a Latino married couple. Oh my God. Or brother sister. They're kind of like, my joke was like, you know, the confusion of their relationship, like the white stripes, but I call them the brown stripes because they're Mexican. But she was playing a kazoo while he played guitar and it just

all of a sudden like people were talking over every other band and then all of a sudden Hannah who was there turned around and she started watching them which made me turn around and watch them and I'm thinking in my head alright Hannah is like from Nashville she has music in her bones. And like, she's going to be looking at this like, Oh, these fucking this lame open mic night. She was the one that noticed them. And then and all of a sudden, the whole bar just stopped talking and started listening and kind of swaying

along with the music and getting huge applause breaks, calling for an encore. It was really cool. It was a cool moment. Well, you've been in this situation a bazillion times when like every comedian's like, that's an impossible room. No one's gonna win them over. And then all of a sudden one comic, for whatever reason,

gets the whole crowd listening. And you're like, what the hell was it? And this was, it came to a moment where there would be a solo, he's just playing guitar, she's singing, and then all of a sudden you heard Kazoo. It's so funny. But the reason it worked is because she did it so sincerely. There was no hint of irony, like the white stripes,

there was no hint of irony, it like very earnest oh absolutely and our second of music our song this week from Ray Maslanka was very cool thank you Ray by the way it's a new year the coffers are empty on the on the music and we could definitely use some logos but especially we need some new songs. Again, the bar is not high. Have fun, do something creative, send it in. We love it. 2025 people.

Coming up on our fifth anniversary, five years. Yeah, when is that? We gotta figure that out. Does anyone send us the date? We're too lazy to look it up. Figure out the date, let us know, because we're gonna do a special episode for it. And also we might put out a hat for our fifth anniversary

Yeah, was I supposed to say that? Yeah. Well, that's a good tease. Happy New Year and So send those into Fitz dog radio at gmail.com Also one correction because this show is a bit later Tim Cain said the victory tour the Mike the the... I was wondering when you said that. Was the reunion called the Thriller? It was the reunion of the Jackson 5 in 1984 the year after Thriller. I think I said it was the same year as Thriller. He must have toured with Thriller, right? I mean but normally I would have thought it was more than a year tour for Thriller. He could have toured forever. Yeah. Thriller is, um, you know,

Beat It is on Thriller and you know who played lead guitar on Beat It? Uh, Eddie Van Halen. Thriller tour, Thriller World Tour, 82 to 83. It's his first solo tour what? Supporting his sixth studio album thriller does that mean it's his first thriller tour Anyway, and then the victory tour. Yeah, man. He had to take care of them. I guess huh? That's what it seemed like But those tickets were expensive Tour dates coming up Janesville, Wisconsin the Comedy Cab in Januaryth and 18th, come give me a hug and warm me up,

NYAC New York at Levity Live January 23rd 24th, Raleigh Improv January 25 26th, and then Milwaukee, Vegas, Fontana, California, Atlanta, Hamilton, Ontario, Toronto, Pittsburgh, Boston, Tampa, and La J go to fitsdog.com for tickets. Also, support comes from fabric this week. Yeah, let's talk about it. It's health insurance, man. It's life insurance, insurance. No, it's life insurance and it's fixed. For when your health insurance doesn't work, then your life insurance kicks in.

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Thank you for loading this doc, man. You did it. All right, why don't you read it? You read it. An employee at Gate Gourmet, a catering company, served airlines at Denver International Airport. That company is under investigation by Denver police after an airline passenger said he caught a worker trying to secretly take a

picture of him in a bathroom stall. Sick and gross are how the 24 year old passenger described the incident and the guy taking the picture described it as uncircumcised and girthy. Girthy? Yeah. He got a good angle. I'm quoting. That's not me.

Wow. Wow. Yeah. The passenger was flying home after a business trip to Denver and they're not identifying the man as he may be a victim of the crime. He said he was changing clothes and using the toilet in a bathroom stall.

Who changes clothes at the airport? If I saw someone doing something that suspicious, I'd snap a photo also. Yeah, if you see something, take a picture. That's not the saying. What are you dressing up for the fancier leg of the trip? Like the first leg was Detroit, so you wanted to look kind of working class chic.

And now you're going to LA, you want to look upscale douche. You jump in the bathroom stall, unzip your bag. Maybe when he goes to Denver he becomes a lady. Oh, there we go. So that's why this creep was taking a picture too. Yep, yep. It was in Concourse A and when he looked down he noticed someone reaching under the stall

with a cell phone camera taking a picture of him. He yelled and said the man took off, the passenger pursued the man and confronted him, saying he was wearing a lanyard around his neck and identification, and it indicated, gate gourmet. Passengers said as soon as he apprehended the man, the employee volunteered his phone and told the passenger he could delete the photos.

How nice of him. Nice of him. He was trying to get rid of the evidence. No, he basically admitted. He's like, yeah, it's right here. Like, why offer your phone to a guy who's junkie to stick a photo of? Listen, you know, layovers are usually boring, but not in Denver. Not in Denver. I think I might change my next layover to be in Denver. Right, right, Denver's sexy now. Well, wasn't there a famous story like 25, 30 years ago

about two guys and they were coming from a Republican convention and they were in a stall next to each other? With the shoe, with the signals. It was a signal, with the shoe from the next all over. Yeah. And was it a misread signal? Maybe.

I think it was a misread signal, and a politician was trying to get action in the men's room. That's what it was, yes, it was a politician. That's what I think. Yeah, anyway. Yeah. Let's get to an accused shoplifter tried sneaking away with a cart full of items

during a holiday shopping event in Virginia involving dozens of law enforcement officials. I love this. Police officers and sheriffs gathered at a Walmart super center for the annual shop with a cop events. But the day took a surprising turn as approximately 50 law enforcement

officers were spread throughout the store a 32 year old man was caught on surveillance trying to leave the store with nearly $1,400 worth of merchandise the man went through a door that led to a fenced in area where offers officers detained him I mean what can you say? Guy likes a challenge. In his mind this was the Ocean 11 of mall theft. And they didn't catch the ten accomplices who were clearly playing a prank on their dim-witted friend. The guy's like, dude, look at the sign. It says, did you change the sign? That said shoplift with a cop. Is that did you change it?

The guy can you imagine though really like he walks out they said it was all by the garden center he's walking out with his full cart of stuff he intends to steal he walks into like 45 police officers okay wrong exit but he then doesn't leave the cart and walk out. He still tries to get out of a Walmart that has 40 cops in it. Yeah, that's commitment. I mean, that's a guy that needed that 14. They didn't say what the items were, but they must have been integral to this guy's survival

if there was that much commitment. Yeah, I know. Probably just bows and arrows, remember that? Walmart's still selling them. There was an incident a couple of weeks ago. All right, why don't you read this next one? Washington, D.C.'s attorney general has sued Amazon. The lawsuit from AG Brian Schwab alleges that since 2022,

Amazon has secretly excluded two historically underserved D.C. zip codes from its expedited delivery service while charging prime members living there. The full subscription price. Amazon's charging tens of thousands of hardworking ward seven and eight residents for an expedited delivery service, it promises, but does not provide. And while Amazon has every right to make operational changes,

it cannot covertly decide that a dollar in one zip code is worth less than a dollar in another. So it was a bad neighborhood is what I read about this story also. Yeah, I guess Ward seven and eight, anytime you live in a ward, it's not- It's not great. It's not good.

It's not ideal. And Amazon said, well look, the only thing prime in those neighborhoods are suspects. So what do you want us to do? I mean, do people really need rolling papers, mouse traps and oodles of noodles overnight? That can't wait. Amazon pivoted though right away. Now they have a late at night delivery. A van just tears down the street and throws the shit out the window. Yeah, I mean. It's not same day, it's same late at night delivery. I mean, when you think about an Amazon truck, they basically just park and leave the truck unattended

while they go make a delivery. I mean, that's, you don't wanna do that in Ward 7. Definitely not Ward 8. Who would steal it though? Probably the Walmart guy we already talked about because they watch every single rotation of the tire is monitored on an Amazon van. I know because my brother didn't last at all on that job. Yeah, yeah. They're like you you through stop signs. He's like, well, I kind of stopped. They're like, no, here it is. If you want the if you want the data, you didn't stop at one. Vivek Ramaswamy, is that how you say his name? That's how you say it. Vivek Ramaswamy

told Axios Mike Allen at the Aspen Security Forum that he's hopeful that slashing the federal workforce could be quote, good for many of the individuals who make a transition from government service back to the private sector. HR speak, yeah. As co-chair alongside Elon Musk of the newly created Department of Government Efficiency, Ramaswamy hopes to dramatically reduce

federal government headcounts. He said the reduction is not really about cost savings, of government efficiency, Ramaswamy hopes to dramatically reduce federal government headcounts. He said the reduction is not really about cost savings, but addressing what he sees as an overgrown federal government that is doing things that were never supposed to be done by the federal government in the first place. I don't believe that the highest and best use of any of those talented people is what they're doing in the federal government today. And really, nobody knows what's best for the hardworking man, the working class man, like

a guy who grew up rich, went to Harvard and Yale on his parents dime, and gets feedback from Trump and, and, and Elon Musk, who's also raised rich. Yeah. If I've learned anything from New York this week, this guy has better beef up his security. That's all I'm saying. Right. You're going to cut, I mean they tend to really cut the government way down. Yeah, but they're doing them a favor. They're they're talented. Cut to a guy six months from now selling meth and driving an Escalade. Found my talent. Thank you, guys.

Did you see I forgot who, but some economists said the numbers that they were saying that they're going to I forget what it was cut out of the with this division that they're gonna cut out of the government. They said two trillion dollars. And they're like if you fired every single every single government employee every single one, you still don't get near that number. Well, not to mention, you're not gonna touch the you're not touching the military because that's Trump's claim to fame is beefing up America's strength. So that's 20% of the budget right there.

And then you've got, he said he's not gonna touch Medicare and Social Security. That's 40% of the budget. You're going on what he says. And then you've got all these congressmen and senators who have pet projects in their district that literally are the reasons they get reelected. Whether or not it's a BB factory in Des Moines, Iowa. Like you can't cut that. They're not gonna let you cut that. I would be shocked if they cut more than 10% out of the budget.

I can't wait till the I mean it happened to the left. When you divide the left when you divide a party, there are going to be so many people who are going to be forced not to back some of Trump's decisions because they will not be elected again. Right. Right. It's gonna decimate their hometowns and home states. All right let's cut down to entertainment. You got it pal here we go. All right what's the first story? Taylor Swift's era tour book is only available from one retailer, Target, but that isn't keeping it from having a more than blockbuster bow. Taylor Swift, the ERA's book sold 814,000 copies in two days. Yep. That's the highest amount. It's like Dear Miss Fitzsimmons. That's right. That's the second highest amount of books sold in a

single reporting week since they started tracking it in 2001. The only nonfiction book to have surpassed that debut figure is Barack Obama's A Promised Land which sold just 2,000 more copies. Wow. Yeah and actually they're saying the last book her fans read was The Complete Calvin and Hobbes. Oh, and we know how great that is. Yeah. Funny thing is Taylor's book is on audible and you get it and it's just four thousand twelve year old girls screaming at the top of their lungs and you listen to it and you can also just see the pictures in the book. So it it's very it's the real experience. So half the copies are going to pedophiles you're saying. Yeah. Oh, we just got kicked off the algorithm. There you go, we did it.

Too late. What are we at? You want to read to Bill Maher? Bill Maher isn't ready for another MAGA presidency. On Sunday the real time with Bill Maher isn't ready for another MAGA presidency. On Sunday, the real time with Bill Maher host reflected on the future of his HBO talk show. I may quit because I don't want to do another. I did Trump. I did all the Trump stuff before anybody. I called him a con man before anybody. I did. He's a mafia boss.

I was the one who said he wasn't going to concede the election. I've done it. The show is politics. There's no other thing. And he's going to dominate the news like he always does. I mean, he he loves saying he's the first at a lot of things. Bill Maher. Yeah. And he's so no one else is calling him a con man.

So bold and so bold to step aside just and just do his million dollar a year podcast so brave Meanwhile like school teachers who are about to have their budgets gutted and have all the financial support stripped away They got to dig in and make it work, but Bill Maher can't do a 15-minute monologue anymore The other thing is like and he he'll say like, Oh, you know, he got fired after nine 11 because he called, you know, the, the way they fight, uh, that it's more cowardly if you're like lofting in bombs and all that, then actually suicide bombers. Well, everyone was saying that, but people who had jobs were Nabisco is

the sponsor and all that weren't saying it on air because you get fired but he did so he does deserve credit for that but like that he came up that that big brain of his came up with that angle is just horseshit. Well I'll say this Elon Musk new program of cutting down jobs is going very well so far. You like that we're not gonna have a real time anymore? No, I tune in. Past time? That was my first writing job was I wrote for Bill Maher back when it was politically

incorrect and I have a tremendous amount of respect for him and I do think he's very funny. But I can't watch it. I feel like sometimes he gets a little too enamored with his own facial expressions of scowling at the audience. And it's just on a personal level. I just kind of I don't enjoy watching it that much. The best is hearing comedians talk about how like surprised he is and he's laughing and can't get through as if he didn't just work as if he didn't pick the joke that week rehearse it an hour or two before and

now he's doing it again. Well that's also the thing is like people are constantly quoting Stephen Colbert or quoting Jimmy Fallon it's like literally 99% of the jokes coming out of their mouths were written by somebody on their staffs and it's just so funny that the, even the opinions are written by the staff a lot of times. Oh, no, all the time. Yeah. Oh wait, you mean, oh, I thought you meant like Bill Maher's,

he kind of does an op-ed, like opinion, which, yeah, yes, they craft that all week. Right. All right, the dead in company are headed back to the sphere. Did you see them? I saw them at the sphere when Dan Brickner gave me his tickets about Nine months ago and they were amazing seats. Shout out to Dan Brickner and Caroline. It was You know, look, I don't love Vegas

I try to avoid it as much as possible. And I definitely didn't think of The Dead as being a very organic place for them to perform. But that sphere is the, you know, it is the beacon of technology. It is every piece of audio visual, state of the art technology available. and it's in one place. And The Dead is such a visual band that it was incredible. It was literally it was like being on mushrooms,

which we were but like if we weren't it would have still felt like we were on mushrooms. Well the 18 show run kicks off March 20th and it's going to wrap up May 17th. So a little before the heat, because I'm wondering if more old white guys would die in Vegas than in Sturgis. And I might keep an eye on that as it approaches. Right, right. It's also like, and the casinos love the deadheads because it's like anyone living in a van with no health insurance trying to buy tickets with a vegan ketamine brownie, that's the

kind of risk taker they wanted to tables. Yeah. I need a miracle. Exactly. All right, let's make America, Florida. Florida man was half naked, high on meth, and he broke into a home and grabbed carpet cleaner. I love the headline. According to Winter Haven, police residents inside a home

at the Sixth Street, Southwest, whatever, whatever, were suddenly awakened on Thursday at about 1 36 a.m. to a loud bang at the front door. They discovered Smith in the living room wearing only a shirt but without pants or shoes. That's the uniform. While holding in his hand a carpet cleaner belonging to the residents. One of them yelled at Smith who then dropped the carpet cleaner and ran out the door. Minutes later police located the person matching Smith's description. I can't believe they can narrow it down. There must have been six people without pants or shoes. How did they know it was him? And then here's the perfect Florida defense. He told the officers he did not recall what he was doing

because he was high on meth. Fair enough. Yeah. Fair enough. I mean, that is an actual legit excuse. When I was in college, I went into the women's bathroom and women were showering and I was just walking around just talking and I got called down to the Dean of Students Dean of Housing's office and I said I was drunk I go I was just drunk and I would have been kicked out of the dorms except that drunk is like an excuse you're better off saying you were fucked up when you

get committed of a crime yeah sorry I was I'm a predator I'm a predator it's mental illness sorry I like I enjoy seeing women naked so that's my defense where else where else am I gonna see them? What do you mean, why'd I do it? You just read it, they were showering. Like, what is your, why is there guest work here? It's not like they were taking a shit, they were perfectly clean. Except the one on the end,

I think she might've been taking a shit. I don't know what she was doing over there. All right, let's make a picture of it. Let's make Kentucky, Florida. We, a Lincoln County man is accused of starving a goat to death. Oh, that was the headline. 37 year old Sean Rector was arrested, arrested after fleeing from a domestic scene while they were searching for Rector authorities found drug paraphernalia and one gram of meth

inside a nearby garage. And then in a separate building, they found the starved goat. So no offense, but is that even a crime in Kentucky? Yeah. Like not feeding your goat enough? Doesn't Kentucky have bigger fish to fry? Also, I don't think this was intentional. Again, the defense is he was on meth. And the goat was probably a source for this guy of milk and sex. Right. Well, once you start milking a goat, one thing leads to another. You don't plan it. No, you're down there. You're pulling on stuff. Something ends up in your hand. It's like when someone a hand accidentally grazes you

in bed and you didn't know you were in the mood, but now you're in the mood. Yeah, I mean, and goats will eat anything. They're famous for that. Yeah, they're gonna eat his can. Yeah. They like eating cans. Meth heads, asses.

Would we even have this segment if it wasn't for, we should do ads for methamphetamine for these two segments. Sponsored by, yes. Well, that could be Adderall or Ritalin. It's in there. Yep. Where are we going?

Are we going into this day in history? Well, let's do, let's do international real quick. We got time. There you go. There you go. All right, what do you got, pal? A recent incident on a bus in Brazil went viral, proving that even the most ordinary bodily

functions can lead to extraordinary chaos. The casual bus ride in Belém quickly spiraled into an uproar when a passenger's flatulence allegedly ignited widespread commotion. And you gotta think how bad it would be to stand out in Brazil. Video footage captured shocked riders quickly streaming out of the vehicle,

triggering a mass exit. Sounded like there was a mass exit out of the vehicle triggering a mass exit sound like there was a mass exit out of this guy's asshole what what a bomb that was guys one said well another quick damn it was a fart or a landslide lol yeah they're funny what a bomb that was, guys. Fart or a landslide. I doubt it was that solid. I was on a plane one time with my family going to New York and there was a guy who started farting

in the row ahead of me and it was noxious. It was like, I mean, you've got your different elements of a fart. You've got your sulfur. You've got your poop. You've got, anyway, this guy had all of them and then a secret ingredient that I couldn't even name. And I was literally gnawed, like water was rushing in my mouth. I was about to vomit.

And every like 15 minutes minutes another wave would come over and I yelled out loud enough for almost everyone on the plane to say stop farting it's disgusting don't let me find out who it is and that was the last fart for the rest of the trip and my son was convulsing. He was double over laughing. I just flew back from Florida. And people just fart on planes knowing they're not going to get caught. And it might be the person. So it was such a bad smell all of a sudden, but it was this young woman in her twenties. I think she was, she was a student and you could see her on a laptop.

And then I'm like, all right, I'd like to signal that this wasn't me, because it was bad. And I thought, well, I could reach up and act, like frustrated, and reach up and adjust the fan, but doesn't that look guilty? Also, maybe I'm adjusting the fan, because the smell is sitting in my lap.

You're right. Right. But did I tell you Olivia loves this story? It's one of Olivia's favorite recent stories. I'm on a plane with Olivia coming back and it was terrible. Actually, we were on a flight. It wasn't just recently. We were coming back from Spain almost a year ago, actually. And there were like six seats in the middle. I mean, it's a big plane.

And it was the worst. It was so bad. And I kept it. Olivia's like, pulls her sweatshirt up. And she's like, I know. And we're both struggling like crazy. And I'm like, what? And it kept happening.

And so she reminds me that I said at one point, I go, honestly, this person should kill themselves. And Olivia is howling. It was Olivia. Yes. She told you what, once you got home, she told me when we ran into everybody else, she couldn't stop laughing. And I thought she was laughing because I said the person and I was pretty sure I knew who it was. I was pinning it on the guy across

the aisle from her because I could tell it was coming from that area, which was across my disgusting daughter's lap. And it was her. That's fucking great. But I had already gotten so angry and she missed her opportunity to admit it. And then she thought she would do it because now it was so funny in front of the family. No, when you smell something that toxic, you just assume it's gotta be an older person

whose colon has just been through the wringer. You know? I don't know what was going on. And I do think she maybe should have killed herself if it could be temporary. It could just be for a day or two. Yeah, I mean, it's like, first of all, I'm careful what I eat the night before I fly. I really am. I'm conscious not to eat dairy.

And if I do have to fart, I walk back to the bathroom and I kind of crop dusted around. So I'm not like lingering it in one area. I spread it out. Down the aisle or in the bathroom and I kinda crop dusted around so I'm not like lingering it in one area, I spread it out. And then I- Down the aisle or in the bathroom? Down the aisle. Oh boy. In the bathroom's rude

because that's where all the flight attendants congregate. And so- No, right. You would never do something rude in the bathroom. Ever. And then I will pinch it. I will clench my cheeks and hold it in until the rest of the flight.

So we got to New York one time and me and Owen went to the bathroom and we're standing at a row of urinals peeing and I let out like a solid 16 second long fart, like deep rumbling. And again, like he had tears coming down his face. He thought it was a funny, he was probably only about eight years old. He thought it was funny thing that I ever seen

But that's where you do it. That's what a gentleman does a bathroom is a place you fart Yes, if only you just farted in airplane bathrooms moving on to the stay in history Okay, Gregorian, Texas was annexed on this day in what year, give or take 30 years? 1830. Oh, man, you did it. 1845. Nice. And here I got, I got an offer. Mexico, take it back. Take Texas back. Yes, we don't want them. They don't want it. They call themselves the Lone Star. God bless. Wow. Go ahead. Be your own star. L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L- Well, also dead. Uh, let's see when... That's old. That's the oldest you can actually be. Is dead.

I know. Well, here we go. Uh, let's see if you remember what year this was. Uh, Saddam Hussein was executed after being convicted of crimes against humanity give or take three years. Saddam Hussein was executed after being convicted

of crimes against humanity, give or take three years. When was Saddam Hussein, the former president of Iraq, killed? 96. Oh, come on, man. Why were we in Iraq? For weapons of mass destruction, yellow on, man. Why were we in Iraq? For weapons of mass destruction, yellow plutonium. Right.

And why were we looking for weapons of mass destruction? Because some fucking flimsy informant from Africa said that it was there. Do you think 9-11 might have happened? Oh. All right, let me guess again. 2000, I was thinking of the first war in Iraq, which was in 91. That's why I was thinking of that. Yeah, daddy, daddy bush.

Yeah, that was daddy bush. No, all right, so I'm gonna say 2005. 2006, but it doesn't count okay American basketball player LeBron James was born on this day in what year give or take currently, I'm going to say 37. So he was born 37 years ago, which would have been 1980. 1980. No, 78. I'm going to say 1978. Wait, what is your math? Oh, what am I saying? No, 1998. No, you're not saying that either. He was born in 1984. He's 40 or will be 40. I don't know when his birthday is. Well, we do know. Well, if I could do math, I would have got it right because I guessed he was 37.

He just turned 41! No! Wait, yeah. Damn! because I guessed he was 37. He just turned 41. No. Wait, yeah. Damn. That's crazy. I mean, we're the stupidest people ever, but I just found this. Even now,

if you told me 41, I can't subtract 41 from 2024 because the millennium, it just throws me off once I hit the 2000. Like all the numbers just jumble in my head Sorry, I forgot we're doing this December 30th. He just turned 40 Today all right. I said he was 30 so more. I guess it's tomorrow I had a I had a stretch the week to find better stories so LeBron James turns five, you know again We're recording this in early December. Sorry about that. He just turned 40 on December 30th.

All right. Happy birthday, LeBron. There it is. We can try to find one more here. Well, Tiger Woods birthday. We're not going to do birth. We're not going to do math. I guess this whole segment is math, but let's try to find an event here, shall we? We're gonna say, tallest building, Boris Yeltsin, Soviet Union. Yeltsin. Boris... Yeltsin. Yeltsin.

Yeltsin, you're right, it's Yeltsin. What'd I say, Yeltsin? You said Yeltsin twice. I like that better. Roberto Clemente, now I like, you're not going to get that though. Ah, we're going to one more. One Battle of Quebec. You would never get Battle of Quebec. Ah, Oprah Winfrey. This is taking a little while, but I don't want. Okay, fine. American country and Western musician Hank Williams senior He died on this day in what year give or take ten years

1928 No, come on. He has a son Hank jr That should include you in a little bit. 48? 1953. Oh, okay. And guess how old he was. Hank Williams Sr. was 78 years old when he died.

So close, he was 29 years old. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! I know so little about country music. It's ridiculous. And he is like, I mean, he's the North Star of the whole thing, man. Wait, he was 29? Did you say? Yeah, we talked about Eagles the other day, the other podcast and Eagles Road, I think Seven Bridges Road about him dying. He died in the backseat of a Cadillac, being driven to a gig because his flight,

missed his flight I think, but he was drinking a lot. So he was almost part of the 28 Club. I know, I know. Wow, crazy. Yep. Alrighty, sir. That wraps up that. Let's cheer up. Here we go. All right, so we talked.

And get you get home folks. We don't know who's gonna die this week, obviously. So wait, did you say let's cheer up? Aren't we doing the obituary? All right, we're not cheering up yet. Let's go down. Let's sadden it up a little bit. Let's go down.

We're gonna do it. Here we go. Oh, Bets. All right, so I'm gonna read the top 10 people go down. We're going to do it. Here we go. Oh, Bets. All right. So I'm going to read the top 10 people very quickly. We're not going to dwell on this. I'll bring I'll read the top 10 people in the celebrity death pool as listed on Ranker

website. Christmas can have surprises. Remember poor George Michael died on Christmas Day? I know. Yeah, that was a real wham. Jimmy Carter is ranked number one. June Spencer. I don't know who she is, is number two. Jimmy Swaggart is number three. Well he's got God pulling for him.

Alan Greenspan is already 98 years old. Oh boy. Rupert Murdoch is 93. Here's cross our fingers. Oh fingers crossed. James Dobson is 88. Jim Baker, there's a lot of scumbags could die soon. Yeah. Yoko Ono is at number eight. She's 91 years old. Willie Mays, let's hope it's not Willie Mays, is number nine and number 10. No, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.

Willie Mays died. Yeah. Really? Yeah, we did his obituary. Unless, wow, were we that wrong? Yeah. Really? Yeah. We did his obituary. Unless, wow, were we that wrong. I know we died on June 18th. I know we're loose with the facts. Oh, this must be, this must be a, why would websites show you an old-

Willie Mays died June 18th. All right, hold on. All right, let's just leave him out and assume the other guys are all alive. Maybe Yoko's gone. Who knows? All right, I'm going to pick as my death pool by December 29th, I'm going to say that Jimmy Carter is going to be gone, sadly. That's pretty easy one. He's quite vivacious and still with it and has a very young wife, but Dick Van Dyke is very far up there. So sadly, I think we're doing the obituary right now for Dick Van Dyke. Okay.

I'm not we're not gonna do it, but that's that's the name. Well, let's truly cheer up now. Let's cheer up. Here we go. All right, we do not have a comic for this week we'll pick it up again next week and let's get right into Hager the Horrible. He really is I gotta say he's horrible. He can be very horrible I think. The king and the queen are sitting in their castle in their green gowns with their little hats on. I like that they're matching. The queen says all we talk about is how much we loathe Haggar the Horrible. And the King goes, you're right, no more talk of him.

Second frame, he goes, how is that good for nothing brother of yours? And the Queen goes, getting back to Haggar. Oof, that's dark. If Haggar is molesting everybody, and she'd rather talk about him than her brother-in-law? What's up with that, Queen? Brother, yeah. Geez, I knew there was a lot of incest in the royal families, but in a comic strip,

do we want to talk about that? Is her brother an internationally famous rapist? I don't know. I wonder how long Epstein's Island has been around. Maybe it was in the medieval times. They're Vikings, man. They were all about islands. Yep.

LeRoy is dancing and Loretta's talking to her friend having coffee and goes, Leroy is feeling good about himself. He understood a reference in a Saturday Night Live skit. Wow, he's getting old. Not that funny but I just thought it was kind of fun that they're keeping it relevant. Is that relevant? He's getting old. He knew about me. I can't even come up with a reference. I'll have to thought it in my head. I'm like, Leroy. It's not bad this year. Actually SNL is pretty good this year. Okay. Yeah, I've liked some of them. Okay. Dilbert, we're on

number six. Again, I don't know if it's counting up or down. We're on our way to 10. Here we go. Three frames. The smack your bitch up hairdo guy comes in, picks his head in the cubicle. And he goes, let's have to Dilbert, let's have a little pre-meeting. Ah, pre-meeting. Shouldn't that be hyphenated? Let's have a little pre-meeting to prepare for the meeting tomorrow.

By the way, it should just end there. That's as funny as Dilbert's are. That's what it is. Oh my God, you coined the phrase pre-meeting. No you didn't. Second frame. Dilbert turns to him and goes, whoa, do you think it's safe to jump right into the pre-meeting?

Look, this is it. I'm just gonna stop myself right there. We called it, that's what this is about. So he goes, jump right into the pre-meeting without planning it and then smack your bitch up. Now there are all of them in the third frame they're at a conference table including that little guy bald guy with the glasses. Walter. You remember his name? Walter yeah. Now the smack your bitch up guy is running the meeting from the head of table goes okay

let's get this preliminary pre-meeting going. And the little guy goes to Dilbert, you think you're funny, but you're not. So there's so many things. First of all, you didn't do pre-pre-meeting or another way that's better than preliminary. Yep. I mean, or- I think Walter sums it all up.

You think you're funny, but you're not. I mean, that should be the name of the comic strip. And then even that, why wouldn't you just say you think you're funny and leave it at that? Yeah. But you're not, like we get that, Walter. We get that that's what you're saying. Well.

And then that's like saying, I said that because it's funny. That's like saying, I said that because it's funny. And also, couldn't you do stuff with a preliminary, preliminary meeting, pre-meeting? Like, think a little. Yeah. This is one piece of art, if you want, in italicized, that I can't wait for AI to do.

AI will do better than this. Well, I think it's really, I mean, who is the audience for these comic strips? It's somebody that woke up, it's Sunday morning, you're hungover, you get up, you pour some corn flakes, you open it, you go first to the comics just to ease into the news. And you're not looking for a chuckle or a guffaw

or even a hee-hee you're just looking for a smile and I think that's all they're shooting for. I think it's Susan who she's the one she's a lifer she doesn't identify herself by what she does in her profession she waters the plants she goes around she waters the plants in the office she probably makes sure like there's a cake for someone's birthday in the kitchen. Everyone signs a card. Yeah, she brings the card around exactly.

It's amazing you know that you've rarely worked in an office. And she's had, well, I've believed me, I've been on plenty of writing staffs where I got to fucking throw in money for, you know, someone I never met. And then, yeah, all right, let's get to it. In bed, which is always amazing to me because when I see Dagwood in bed with Blondie, when I see her propped up on a pillow with a, she's got a blue frilly negligee on.

And I just think to myself, how could he not be on top of that sweaty and grunting? He's laying with a laptop in his lap, six inches from paradise. And he says, well, I just downloaded the latest Mistletoe app. And she goes, really? And then he holds the computer over their heads

and they kiss and then they separate. And he goes, that has to be the best use of technology I've ever seen. She's like, I second that. I'm like, here's the technology I'd be using. I'd be throwing on an OnlyFans site, watching that while I take you from behind, while I smush that yellow spaghetti hair into the comforter

and widen you up while we interact with a lesbian cup. That's what I would do with the technology. I love that you're with your ultimate dream girl and you still need an OnlyFans playing. Well, let's take it over the top. Maybe I would record us making love to one another. Let's just leave it at that. He's moved on. He's like, that has to be the best use of technology I've ever seen. She's

like, not even close as she's grinding her crotch with other technology. There's rabbit ears. There's butt plugs. Yeah., yeah, she's definitely using the technology. Cutting edge, she's using shit that she got a discount code for on a podcast. Yeah. Well listen, support our sponsors, we love them, and you show that you love us when you go to meetfabric.com slash papers, and you're gonna get

a little discount there and then you're also going to go to mint mobile dot com slash papers and you're gonna pay 15 bucks a month for mint mobile when you buy a three month subscription alright also want to remind people did I read I read my dates I'm gonna be in Janesville, Wisconsin in a couple weeks. So go see that. Also don't forget the t-shirts from the holiday. Holiday's over.

Why not get a little post? Maybe you got a gift card. Somebody could throw a little cash in your envelope. Get the Take It Eesh or Sunday Papers t-shirt at FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. No, FitzDog.com, that's where you're gonna go. Oh boy. Wow, that was clunky. That should have been cleaner.

That was clunky. All right, listen, you know what? We're gonna say it at 2024 right now. Take it each. Take it each! Bye-bye, people. Happy New Year. It's time for the Sunday Papers! Greg Fitzsimmons

Mike Gibbons The Front Page The Funnies and some Crabbob Florida. Do you love your steak and chips? I do as well. But tell you what I love more. I love people staking on sport and throwing down chips in the casino.

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