Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 247 1/12/25
Episode Date: January 12, 2025We’re dealing with the fires here in Los Angeles and celebrating Biden becoming a grandfather. Also, Keanu Reeves is scamming an old lady and Brooke Shields is given a surprise vaginal rejuvenation....Watch Greg’s new special, “You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Email caption submissions to FitzdogRadio@gmail.com subject line: “Comic Contest”Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): fitzdogradio@gmail.comFind Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy
Transcript
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["I'm Gonna Be a Man"]
Read all about it, the podcast begins with Greg Fitzsimmons and Michael Gibbons.
It's the Sunday Vapors Podcast!
Read all about it!
Read all about it!
Two stateside journalists.
One's in Venice Beach, one's in...
Nashville.
Snowy, Nashville.
How often is Snowy and Nashville?
I don't know, we got over five inches.
We just went sledding.
I just came in, that's why I look like this.
But that's you saying five inches.
So...
Yeah, it's bigger, clearly.
It's more. So so hold on one second it's slushy
it's slushy and no no not slushy and it's about to freeze bad like and then
the roads and last year I was here and we probably talked about it and they had
a storm I think the last few days of December
and no one here knows how to have fun in the snow
because it only happens once or twice a year.
And so then I got a rope and I dragged the kids
behind the car on sleds and they had the time of their lives
and then I dragged Hannah into a wood pile.
Did I never show you that?
What?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here's the great feature now on your albums and stuff.
And you can search.
Did I tell you I search?
You can put in tuxedo.
It finds every picture of you in a tuxedo.
No shit.
So now I just put in sled. It knows what sledding is and
yeah, a bunch came up. Dude, that's weird. Isn't it? Yeah. I'm gonna put it in. This
was last year. They're out the back. Anyway, that's all the crazy sledding photos and then
wait you dragged her into a wood pile yeah not that and that one was oh yeah
maybe it is it and the dog is running next to you oh yeah the dog is running next to you.
Oh yeah, the dog's trying to keep up.
And then this is good for listening for podcast listeners.
Anyway, I'm showing dragging a sled and then and I'm going fast.
Let dogs haul and try to keep up.
Yeah.
And then they want to go faster.
That's insane.
So here it is, here it is, you ready?
Yeah.
Here they go, they make.
Right into a wood pile.
Stepfather of the year.
No, no, and also Hannah was on that.
But the, people put, unlike LA,
there is real wood clearing here and you leave the piles
down like you leave the trash by your driveway.
And that's what they just that's what they were just pulled into.
Nice.
Well, you're missing all the excitement here.
Yeah, we bury the lead.
So I'm on a plane.
I'm on a plane.
You ready?
This is how we'll start talking about this.
I'm on a plane to come down here and I'm on the phone with Ruby and Ruby goes outside
his office, which is on around 10th Street and Broadway in downtown Santa Monica. And I hear him go, whoa.
And my plane is supposed to take off at 11, and it's probably 10.45.
I think it started at 10.30, according to accounts.
And Ruby's like, whoa.
And I'm like, what?
I go, it's windy, right?
Because I had just taken my scooter to the airport
and there's like tree parts all over the street
and I'm getting blown around on my scooter.
And so I'm like, no, it's windy.
The street has a bunch of crap in it.
He's like, no, dude, there's a huge fire.
So when I start taxiing,
I open up my window shade on the plane
and this is what I see.
Wow. Yeah.
Huge smoke in the distance for the listeners
over the runway, and that like doubled in size
in five minutes.
And I'm like, are we even taking off
and you feel the wind like moving?
And we sure did, we took off.
And all of it was so windy by
the way all of lax uh runways were reversed so for the first time in my life i took off eastbound
instead of out over the ocean from lax because the wind was so bad i came in from south africa
two hours after you left and And we get to LA.
Meanwhile, I've been flying for 24 hours.
I have not had any newsfeed.
Nobody on the plane is aware that there's a fire in LA.
And then all of a sudden we're coming into land
and I go, and we're looking out the window, I go,
why are we flying out over the ocean right now?
Because you always land going towards the ocean.
And so that wind was blowing and so we faced it
and I'm looking out, I'm on the left side of the plane
and I look out and I go, what the fuck is going on?
I thought there was like a terrorist attack.
There was like huge black smoke and flames.
I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
So we land, we hear about it.
And then we're driving on Lincoln to the west side. And I mean, the whole horizon
is just black and you can you like you feel it in your chest right away. Yeah.
And so we get we get home and then suddenly it's like, know we're in Venice so obviously there's a lot of
concrete between us and the Palisades which is at the at that time that was
the heart of the the fire and it got close it got within six miles and then
it you know it hit Santa Monica or almost hit Santa Monica and
it slowed down but all of a sudden everybody's got masks on it was like the pandemic all over
and you couldn't go outside without like choking. I came out my car the next day had like a quarter
of an inch of ashes on top of it unbelievable and just more and more people, you know, everybody's checking in with everybody. Some people that I
know lost their homes. One of Owen's best friends home burned
to the ground. Yeah, we lost you know them, john and Dana, that
couple that we met because of like early, early school.
Right. And they lived in the Palisades. And they were both
born in the Palisades. And were both born in the palisades and they lived there
oh I wonder about their parents house there one of their one of the grandparents was there in like a
house the old LA big house and yeah but I mean the the scenes from the palisades are I can't even
wrap my mind around it's apocalyptic it's literally just whole neighborhoods burned to the ground.
And here's the other thing. It's very sad people don't think about because it is a wealthier area.
But there are a lot of working class people, middle class people in that neighborhood that
have been there for generations. Yeah. And it's one of those things where people are house rich
out here. And then, you know, as you know know the insurance companies dropped 70,000
people in this area about four months ago me being one of them I no longer
have any home homeowners insurance if something happened to my house is just
gone and then my wife was talking to this guy on the at the market and he was
crying he was a landscaper he said those are all my clients. He goes, I
literally have no job now. And this is a guy who, you know,
probably was working on 1520 houses, they were all gone.
I mean, no, I we can't even just putting our heads together,
we'll come up with a lot of people who are now going to
pour like working class people.
Right.
Who meaning poor people in Los Angeles
because everything is so expensive.
Yeah.
And like, okay, gardeners is a great example,
but how about those garbage men are being laid off?
There's no, well, it's a different kind of garbage now.
I mean, it's deconstruction or demolition, like they just have to take it
to landfill.
Well, also, like, good luck. Like, I just put up new gates on
our house because they were falling down. It took us three
months to find a contractor that had time to put four fucking
gates on my house. Now you've got thousands of houses burned to the ground.
Where are there this at a time when Trump is about to deport not the time to deport.
Right. Exactly. So I mean, these people are fucked. You talk about a fire sale, people
are going to be selling their lots for whatever they can get. And they're going to move somewhere
else that's going to be thousands of people.
The school teachers, there's no more school.
The, I mean, Gelson's, Ralph's,
those are the two supermarkets.
Those are gone.
All the restaurants along the PCH.
Every restaurant, every store.
I mean, a whole town is gone.
Yeah.
And it's a bigger footprint than Manhattan. Like it's giant.
It's giant. Yeah. And it's still going, you know, right now there's like new fires that are going
on up near Calabasas that just sprouted yesterday and the winds are supposed to kick up again on
Sunday. Like, like they were the other day, like 80 mile an hour winds. And the problem is it's
called, and people don't know this. And the problem is it's called,
and people don't know this.
I fly in Sunday.
We may be telling people what they already know,
but like it's called the Santa Ana winds
because they basically blow in from the desert
and it's a hot, dry, westerly blowing wind.
And basically all it needs is a small fire
and it just blows it, you know, 80 miles an hour.
And we haven't had rain here since they say last May.
I mean, we had like, we had like a few showers this winter and that was it.
Everything is bone dry.
And there was some arson as well, right?
That's what I'm hearing.
They arrested a guy.
Yeah.
I know there's a lot of conspiracy theories
too, but like terrorism and all that stuff. But it's awful. I mean, that wind, I mean, you were in
here. It was crazy. It was like footage from a hurricane. If you were outside in that wind,
and then you just need to spark and it's gone. Yeah. So I had shows all week, they all got canceled, the clubs
are all closed. And it's just it really is like flashbacks like
wearing a mask outside. It's just it feels like the pandemic
all over again, you just feel very isolated. You feel like you
want to help people that are up there, but
there's nothing we can really do. We did a clothes drive in the
in the house today. My daughter got some clothes together and we
got some money together and dropped it off.
So if I if I if I see any people walking around in maroon, I'll
know they're from the Palisades.
If you see a ticket, take it each tshirt and a guy with a Sunday papers mug. It's kind
of like it's kind of like the Africans who get the losing team from the Super
Bowl when they printed up the t-shirts of them winning and then they're like
get them out of here. It's gonna be it's gonna be a lot of Eagles t-shirts going
to Zimbabwe this year. Hey Grapefruitfruit Sim, you listen to him? No, I lost my home.
I don't know what this shirt means.
I don't know.
I know.
But it's terrible.
And yeah, Pasadena, it's just incredible.
And I can't believe it's not over.
I have to say, it's been very nice though.
People reaching out to me, friends, every,
I have like 26 cousins and I think 25 of them
reached out to me, it was very nice.
That one bastard, yeah.
Son of a bitch.
All right, on a lighter note, way lighter,
and it seems, but I'm doing it just to lighten up the tone.
Some, I guess a listener maybe wrote in,
but it was, the Golden Globes went really great
and we had a short-lived like celebration
and recognition of them until things were massively
put into perspective by the fires.
And then everything very appropriately just stopped
on a dime, which it should of course.
And, but they did go
well and I wanted to share one funny story from the room.
I should say congratulations. They were a big hit. Nikki Glaser got rave reviews, which
obviously is a lot to do with her, but also a lot to do with you and the people that wrote
material for her.
She'll be the first to say like how much she values
her writers and all that stuff.
But she is also, she's great.
I mean, beyond great, she's just really
a consummate professional and so hardworking.
So, but one thing was, so we had one of my favorite jokes,
not mine, was look who's here,
two-time Holocaust survivor
Adrian Brody, right?
Because he's in a new one now.
So then we tagged that with a joke, which was,
you know, Adrian Brody, if Adrian Brody had a time machine
and went back in history, he would kiss baby Hitler
for giving him his career.
All right, so then Nikki, which she does on every joke is like, okay,
who might not get that? And so then we're like, come on,
everyone gets that, knows that philosophical exercise of if you had a time machine,
what would you do? Number one answer, you go back and you kill baby Hitler.
And I think Norm had funny stuff about that. But anyway, um,
she's like, hold on, hold on. Let me ask my assistant. Now,
I don't know how old the assistant is, but she seems, if she's 22,
she's a very young 22 and she's amazing at social media and does a
lot of that for a Nikki. And I don't even know how long they've worked together,
but this girl is very young.
And so anyway, she's like,
have you ever heard of that going back
and killing baby Hitler?
She's like, what?
No idea.
Hasn't heard of the concept at all.
And the whole place.
And then of course the room is having a debate
like you found one person, you know,
that joke is still great, blah,
blah, blah.
But before it came back to the room, I was like, all right, I go, so do you, do you understand?
Because it wasn't explained that well that it's like that philosophical, like you have
a time machine.
What would you do?
And blah, blah.
So I go, so you don't know about the Hitler.
What would be yours?
I go, you have, she's like, I have a, what do you mean?
So I'm like, you have a time machine.
You can go back to do whatever you wanna do.
What would you do?
She's like, oh God, I would never get into time machine.
I can't live without my phone.
That was her answer.
That was, that's a Gen X, that's the the answer. Gen Z. Whatever the hell they are.
Yeah. Yep. Unbelievable. I mean, yeah, not even a hesitation.
So the joke died based on her not getting the joke. Yes. Oh, well, I guess that's one litmus test. Yeah, no, we had a lot she did.
To her credit, she did a lot of them on Stern and I had I had a few in that folder as well.
I really was pushing my one joke, which was, I liked it, but because it's about Dylan,
but that Chalamet just rigorously trained and exhaustively trained for three years to
be, you know, with voice lessons, guitar lessons,
movement to be Bob Dylan,
where Bob Dylan became Bob Dylan the old fashioned way,
drugs and autism.
And then someone in the room who had a little knowledge goes,
well, like it's like, no, no, I'm kidding,
but he is obsessed with trains and it's so true.
I'm like freight train, night train.
He has a slow train is the name of an album.
Yeah.
Right, right.
Oh, that's hilarious.
Yeah.
And then the assistant went, who's Bob Dylan?
Yeah, exactly.
Well, that's good.
She was great though.
One thing she did for me every day,
I'm like, give me the mustache check
because we had a Timothy Chalamet mustache joke.
So every day I'm like, did he shave?
Did he shave?
We can't do the joke if he shaved, it's all on you.
So every day she'd find like Getty images
or something from a restaurant the night before.
It's like still has the mustache.
Like that was her task for me.
Yeah.
I texted her and I said,
I know you're in town for like two weeks
and we're in South Africa.
I said, do you wanna stay at my house?
And so you're not stuck in a hotel.
And she wrote back within four seconds,
no, I'm good.
I'm good in the hotel with the room service
and the gym next to the clubs,
not at your shitty house in Venice.
That's fantastic.
So yeah, and your friend,
you had a friend who wrote in from high school,
I listen every weekend, love the show,
I went to Berkshire school with Mike,
thinking of you both and sending you hopeful thoughts
as your communities are under fire.
Under fire sounds like there's a shooter.
Right, well there's arsons, apparently there's an arson.
But that's Megan, I can't believe, yeah.
Megan, what are you doing listening every week?
Do you remember her?
Oh my God, of course, but also she married
another Berkshire alum in my class, Tom.
We knew you might have met him on the way.
T. Did you ever meet T?
Of course, of course. Yeah, we would go out with him in New York all the time.
And then he he moved to San Francisco, but they met in New York.
Oh, that's hilarious.
Yeah, no, T's been my friend since I mean, God, I guess I'm 16. I don't know.
But and Megan was there at the same time. And, and oh my God, they're the coolest couple. They're
doing so great. Kids get their Christmas card with the kids, multiple dogs, the whole thing.
That's like we have friends that met freshman year of college, Sam and Tim,
Like we have friends that met freshman year of college, Sam and Tim, still together, going strong.
Yep.
But that's very sweet to send.
That's very nice.
Yeah, yeah, like you, I've heard from a lot of people.
Oh, can I say also that the power went out
because of the fires and I came back
and so I had to reset my clock.
I have a GE digital clock next to my bed.
I want you to guess right now,
because I know the year I got this clock.
Tell me what year I got this clock.
It's a standard AMFM old school GE digital clock radio.
And it still works.
Oh, I was gonna say 2024.
I thought the accomplishment was still able
to find one like that.
All right, no, I mean, I'm gonna say
you probably got it in 1990.
1980, I was 14 years old.
And I know it because we had a letter,
you know, like, what do you call it when you,
you can write on a piece of tape that you put on a.
Oh, the one that makes indentations.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then, yeah, yeah, I forget what that's called.
So me and my friends used to always say,
you know, you're in eighth grade and you say stupid.
So we used to say, we used to write JMO on stuff
and that meant jerk me off.
That was like, like, stupid graffiti write JMO on stuff and that meant jerk me off. That was like a stupid graffiti.
JMO.
So anyway, I wrote JMO on that thing
and it's on the clock radio.
So I know it was from eighth grade or ninth grade.
That motherfucker still works.
Meanwhile, my iPhone, you go to the Apple store and your phone's four years
old, they look at you like you're insane that you have this relic and they can't believe
it still works. That's 45 years ago.
Business schools have done all these studies. Everybody used to love buying a Kenmore washer dryer or refrigerator
because they would last forever and it's not a good business model and they change that.
So my refrigerator that I rent my apartment, my refrigerator is from 1980 and it's a sub-zero
1980 and it's a subzero and
It it keeps kind of breaking like now the guy gave me like $50 off a month rent because I no longer have an ice Machine or water like you know filtered water in the door or whatever so it's it's really dying
but every guy comes exactly what you're saying and he goes I
See why your landlord wants to keep this because they don't sub zero even,
which are a thousand, they cost more than a car,
you know, like a used car.
He's like, they don't make them like this anymore.
Yeah.
Like these parts, like I can find that old part for you,
this might go another five, 10 years.
No, repairmen are out of business because nothing,
first of all all it's not
worth the cost of fixing and second of all they make it so you can't fix it you
basically everything requires buying the innards all over again and it's all
landfill everything's left anyway. Oh the world's in such great shape. Yeah. So anyway, we put it out to people.
We were curious how long,
speaking of things that are old but keep on working,
our podcast, we were curious of when the first episode was.
And so we asked people,
and it's so funny because they got like four different answers.
So I don't know which is right. Somebody said March 10th, 2020.
Somebody said April 1st, 2020.
Let's go with April 1st because that gives us a little bit more time to launch
a proper five year anniversary show
accompanied by the sale of new Sunday
papers, hats, baseball caps, right? accompanied by the sale of new Sunday papers hats.
That's a-
Baseball caps, right?
Baseball caps, it's a fifth anniversary on them.
Love it.
By the way, the T-shirts are still available.
We got a nice picture.
You can look at it down at the bottom of the script.
There's some people that wrote in,
they said to picture themselves, this is Dave and Alicia Goldfarb and he's wearing
the Take It East shirt in light blue. She has a maroon read all about it shirt.
All right. They're high quality and they look very they look stunning together.
They've been fans of the show since the very first episode.
And they also look at them.
That's true.
They sent another picture of them holding their mugs.
So anyway, if you want to stay current with the merch, get the T-shirt now.
The hats will be coming out in about four months.
And, you know, we need to make up some revenue
because ad sales in the podcast world,
if you guys don't know this,
have gone away for the smaller podcasts.
They're basically all these giant podcasts
are making millions and millions,
and the smaller podcasts like ours are not getting the ads.
So we need to keep generating money
to pay our editor and producer and all that stuff.
So support the show and buy the merch.
All righty, pal.
Otherwise, we're gonna have to go to Patreon.
That's quite a logo there.
Yeah.
What logo?
Jane Esses.
Oh yeah, let's talk about the logo.
I'm just moving the show along a lot.
I love it because it's beautiful, but what is it?
I don't know, man.
We're two freaky babies who are wearing purple
with giant purple afros also.
But I think they're made of flowers.
I think they're like purple roses or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's something crazy going on. It's beautiful.
Thank you, Jane.
And the song from Emmett Hall is amazing.
Thank you, Emmett.
We put a shout out out last week
because we need new songs.
We got a few submissions from people that were all good.
We'll be using those soon.
Look at you yawning away.
What's the matter with you?
I know, I know.
I gotta wake up.
I'm the one with the fucking I gotta wake up listeners don't
need to hear that they heard the so keep sending in the songs send them to
Fitzdog radio at gmail.com they do not have to be amazing or highly produced we
just love having a new song every week. Some corrections, John Adair pointed out that the lyric for Blinded by the Light is quote cut loose like a
deuce for the Bruce Springsteen version from 1973. Revved up like a deuce was
later in the much edited and less of verbose Manfred Mann's Earth Band version from 1976. I'd never liked that version. No,
either do I. It's kind of like the birds when they would do a lot of covers and
stuff. I, of Dylan especially, yeah it's, I don't know. Also when you were
discussing Hank Williams who died at 29, you mentioned he just missed the
28 club. It's the 27 club.
I know. I think I knew it was 27. Which included Hendrix. Also 26 by the way.
Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison, Cobain, Brian Jones, Amy Winehouse, Pigpen from The
Grateful Dead, Robert Johnson, a bunch of others. So Hank Williams, I guess, is
not part of that.
He missed a little older, but boy, was he accomplished.
Yeah.
Also, Eric said caught the St.
Patrick's Day show in 2023.
Mike's set had some of the best jokes of the night.
Whoa,, what?
However, it's Timothy Chalamet, not Chamolais.
I think I was saying Chamolais.
Well, we, I don't know if you saw the Golden Globes,
we did a thing with that,
and it was supposed to include Chalamet also,
but where she's like,
you know, your name sounds like something
Sandler would say like,
Timothee, Timothee, Shalimeh.
And so kind of going in that and then we asked and Sandler
screamed one out and it was very good.
But we're having, huh?
Was he prepped to do that?
Well, not really.
So in addition to watching for Shalimeh's mustache,
one thing during the red carpets was, hey, you got to look for
Sandler,
because we have a funny joke about his tuxedo,
but it has to look ill-fitting,
like everything he normally wears.
And then we get word back,
like I just saw Sandler, his tuxedo looks amazing.
And I'm like, the joke works anyway.
Basically it was like, thank you Adam,
and you look great tonight.
I didn't know Foot Locker made tuxedos.
And that works whether it's good or bad, you know,
the tuxedo and so when we did that,
we just gave him a heads up not knowing what it was,
but like hey, are you all right?
Like we're not gonna mic you,
we're not even telling directors,
like we want it to be organic that they find you.
But you know know Nikki knows
him so didn't want to bother him if the answer is like no or I'm I have a cold
or whatever it is well speaking of comedy I will be in
Janesville Wisconsin comedy cabin January 17th and 18th followed by NYAC
New York at levity live January 23rd and 24th that's right across the bridge from
where I grew up in Tarrytown, about 15 minutes away.
A bunch of my Tarrytown friends are coming out.
Show is.
Raleigh Improv, January 25th and 26th.
Then I'll be in Milwaukee, Fontana, California, Atlanta.
Hollywood Improv, St. Patrick's Day show
will be March 15th.
Then I'll be in Ontario, Toronto, Pittsburgh, Boston.
Go to fitsdog.com, get some tickets, come on out,
and say hello.
And now I have an envelope I can crinkle, is that good?
Oh, that's good.
Let's go to the front page, here we go.
Extra, extra, we are the thotics, extra.
Yeah, yeah. Extra! Extra! We are the thottest! Extra!
Yeah, yeah! Karakoli, who has been a bartender for 17 years
and was working at the gay bar Sips.
What does that mean?
So usually a gay bar is called like Ramrod or Rawhide.
No, it's Sips.
It's Sips.
Sips. What are you talking about? It's the gayest
sounding bar in history. It's seps. A concerned and confused mother called. The woman asked is
this a gay bar? Can I ask you a question? Are you gay?
Coley replied yes ma'am. The woman then revealed why she was calling. What was the
one thing you wanted from your parents when you came out? The woman asked. Coley
was caught off guard. Never had someone asked such a personal question. Before
Coley could answer, the woman continued, my son just came out to me and I don't
want to say anything that may mess him up in the head. And so she said to the
mother, you should definitely let him know that you love him and accept him. I think
everything will be okay from there. The woman thanked Colie
for her insights.
And definitely don't let him know you called a stranger in a
gay bar to ask for advice.
Right. Then the mother hung up. The son came in and blew a guy
in the handic hung up. The son came in and blew a guy in the handicap stall.
She's like, listen, my son just came out.
You're a gay bartender.
What drinks do gay wads like?
I'm going to make him a little something for the holidays.
What's something that really washes the cum out of your mouth?
Is there a particular brand?
Tell me something about Sips.
Does your bathroom have holes in the bathroom wall
about waist high?
Cause mine does now.
They're all over the house.
They're in our powder room.
It's like Sips over here.
Sip, Sips.
I would have told him, don't accept him.
Otherwise his one man show will suck a bag of dicks,
which is actually the title of the play.
Bag of dicks.
Thip.
So you've been gay for how long?
Okay, because how are you, but you're a woman.
How do I get, we need him back in the pussy.
It's just for our church, our community and our family especially.
So what advice would you, because you're in a pussy.
So how can I get him back in the pussy?
What was that old joke about like rub shit, rub shit on a woman's vagina?
If you want to get him back in the pussy., Jesus. No, I hadn't heard that one.
Oh, you know what?
Ray James, great writer.
He told me a funny joke, by the way.
It's an old school joke.
But did you hear this one about a guy buys a foul-mouthed
parrot?
And the owner warns him.
I'm going to try to tell the shortest version possible.
But warns him.
He's like, you know, it's foul.
He's like, you know what?
I can handle.
I can handle a foul mouth parrot.
So he takes the parrot home and he,
he takes the cover off the cage in the morning
and the parrot goes, fuck.
And he's like, we're not having any of that in this house.
This is a good Christian house.
You're not cursing in this house.
Puts the cover back on.
You're not seeing daylight till tomorrow.
So the next day takes the cover off and the parrot goes, fuck.
So he's like, that's it. Takes the parrot out of the cage.
I guess punches it in the face if you whatever it was,
but really just draws a line. So he's like, and that's it.
And tomorrow you're going in that oven. If you say that word again,
I'm going to eat you. And so he puts the cover back on the next day,
pulls the cover up. There's silence and they stare at each other. He's like,
you got anything to say Parrot? The parrot goes, you know. It's so unusual. I just love it you go there's a somebody wrote in this joke this week
and it was signed no agenda groupie was the person's name but I'd never heard
this joke before I'll read it okay an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman
died driving home from a holiday party and
are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
In honor of this holy season, St. Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven.
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
It's a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates, Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them
and he said, they're jingle bells. Saint Peter said, you may pass through the
pearly gates. The Irishman started searching desperately through his
pockets, finally pulled out a bra and a pair of panties. Saint Peter looked at
the man with raised eyebrow and asked, and just what do those symbolize?
The Irishman said, they're carols.
There you go. That's a good one.
That's a good fucking joke.
Yeah.
Let's see if we can get something that good
in the comedy captions contest later.
Also, Joe Biden, congratulations, he's now a great
grandfather. His granddaughter Naomi Biden Neal gave birth to her first child, a
boy named William. Biden was in LA, saw the baby at the hospital, announced the
birth at the end of an official briefing on wildfires. He said the good news is I'm a great-grandfather as of today. He and the wife visited for 40 minutes and they
in the interview they they announced that she was having a caesarean. She had
the baby through caesarean which so I uh it sounds like he had a forced evacuation just like everybody
else in la that day that poor kid it's desperately trying to crawl back into the womb like no no
not here not now the baby was six pounds ten ounces with blue eyes and a hacking cough
came out with a mask on because it was born on the west side of LA, first of all,
and amid the fires.
Yeah.
Londoners are cold.
Oh, you read this.
Londoners are cold and mean according to one US family,
but for real rudeness, all right, that's the title.
So this woman from London was, I guess, commenting on this story that Londoners are cold and
mean.
So it was this Hendricks family who was a tourist in London came out with that.
So she replied, if the Hendricks family really want to check out a city that prides itself on
being rude, they should come to my current hometown of Philadelphia.
Hello.
Almost a decade ago, a hitchhiking robot called Hitchbot made its way around Canada, the Netherlands,
and Germany, all thanks to the kindness of strangers who helped it along.
Then Hitchbot got to Philadelphia and was promptly decapitated.
That's a true story.
I remember that story.
Wait a minute.
So a robot was, was anybody with the robot?
I think it was always helped by people.
I don't know if it had an escort.
They probably decapitated the escort,
the human escort also.
Wow.
They're animals.
They have to grease the poles in Philly.
Keep that in mind.
Maybe it chopped its own head off
because his ass hurts so much from coming from Pittsburgh.
Yeah, or maybe it couldn't stand the Philly accent
so it did cut its own ears off to begin with.
Wow. Wow.
Yeah.
A Colorado man is wanted for allegedly attempting
to hold up a bank in a robbery that quickly went off
the rails when the teller couldn't read the note
he handed over.
Wasn't that in a Woody Allen movie?
Was that?
Look, it's what I wrote down below.
Take the money and run.
Take the money and run.
Right, right, right.
what I wrote down below. Take the money and run.
Take the money and run, right, right, right.
He entered the bank in Loveland, Colorado at 5 p.m.,
went to the teller.
She couldn't discern what was written
since it was nearly impossible to read.
And the man grew frustrated and quickly fled the bank.
The suspect was wearing a brown hoodie,
a green baseball cap, and sunglasses.
The LPD are still searching for him. His face was not covered during the incident. Now why are
they assuming that this is a bank heist? Maybe the note just said, I've been
coming here for 11 years. You're always so kind to me. I am shy and don't like
attention but wanted to know if you would go out with me sometime. If not, no
sweat and I'll go to a different teller next time.
The key is, I can't handle attention.
So just don't make a big deal out of this.
I think that's probably what it said.
Could be.
Take the money and run was so funny.
You remember the scene?
So he goes, please put all the money in the bank.
This is a bank robbery.
Just do what I say.
I have a gun.
So the teller gets it and she's like, I have a gum?
He's like, no, no, that's, that's gun with an N.
He's like, it says gum.
He's like, no, I can assure you it says gun
cause I have a gun, I don't have a gum.
And he's like, she's like, I have to get my manager,
I'm sorry.
And the manager comes over and the manager's like,
I have a gum?
She's like, yes, that's exactly.
He's like, no, it doesn't.
And he's like looking around.
And what you realize, like, please go on YouTube
and find that scene.
It's pure absurdism.
But also like the straight actors were so good.
Yeah.
Like the bank manager and the bank teller.
You see where Louis CK got so much inspiration
from Woody Allen because that's exactly his style.
He takes really absurd slapsticky situations
and he gets really interesting actors who look weird.
They're strange looking people
and he has them play it completely straight.
And do you remember the scene in the movie
where then he's in jail and they have a jailbreak
using a gun that he carved out of a bar of soap
and shoe polish and then they get outside
and it starts to rain and he's holding it up
against the cops and then it all turns into foam
in his hand.
If you like, and also just shut up about Woody Allen,
but just go back and see,
Take the Money and Run was one of his first movies
and it's pure comedy.
It's a comedy machine.
He plays cello in a marching band.
It's a documentary, a faux documentary,
which is a little ahead of its time, I mean,
but it was early anyway.
And his parents are interviewed and they wear
macho, uh, uh, Groucho Marx, uh, glasses to disguise themselves. So, because they're so embarrassed
to be his parents, the whole thing is so, so funny. No, I showed my kids, I decided, uh, I want, they,
they had seen Annie Hall and they really liked it.
And I said, all right, he's made 40 movies or something.
I said, let's start at the beginning because these slapstick, so we watch Bananas and it
is a laugh out loud movie that totally holds up.
Right.
Kind of related.
Another thing I did this week is I saw a clip on Instagram of Tarantino
and he was talking about Sidney Lumet and he was making his
I'm forgetting. But anyway, whatever great movie.
But he then made the mistake of going to the movie theater
that week and he saw the opening credits of Raging Bull.
And he's just like, oh, God, like no matter what I do,
there's always going to be Scorsese.
But I then went to YouTube and I watched the open.
And it's just this gorgeous slow motion,
locked off shot with opera playing and De Niro
still in the hood before a fight warming up like
kind of and it's dancing it's literal dancing dancing in the ring it's so you
just like oh my god if it was playing now I'd go to see that on the big screen
then I went to Woody Allen's opening of Manhattan with Gershwin, again, black and white, on such a huge scale.
And I mean, it sells, if anyone would be like,
wait, why is New York the best city?
Or like, hey, we need a campaign to like flex New York
and for tourism to show it's, I'm like,
it's already been done, nothing can beat it.
Just show that clip.
Right.
It's incredible, but I love the beginning of
the beginning of the Spike Lee movie, Do the Right Thing.
Oh, where she's dancing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
That's great. That's a fight the power letter to a different part of New York.
Absolutely. By the way, how much of your time roughly
do you spend going down rabbit holes on the internet?
Like in a given day? Well, there's good ones. Sometimes it'll be triggered. Like I did one
the other day, although I resisted because we might see it Tuesday night. But you know,
we were talking, Malloy pitched us going to go see Breaking Away. Oh, I'm going. You're not going?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really, I mean, I said, grab me a ticket.
So, and there's a scene in that with the mom that I didn't get,
but something like that would send me down a rabbit hole.
But I remember when I was 12, I didn't get the scene.
She was like talking about her passport and like, and it was very
like she was kind of just sharing with the son.
I'm like, I really don't get that.
And then a few years later I see the movie.
I'm like, oh, that's one of the greatest character scenes
like ever and she was nominated for an Oscar. So two hours a day would you say?
No well lately I've been working so my self-esteem is oddly way up and I've
done a lot less of that. Okay. But I get something out of it. I learn and I think it is a little better than like, just scrolling with whatever the you know, the algorithms feeding me.
Because you're choosing what you want to watch.
I kind of jump off to be like, you know, I don't know enough about that.
Yeah. So go do that.
Let's learn something about entertainment.
Here we go. Oh, hold on I just went off light just went off
here we go and we're back we're back a little bright sure lighting a 67 year
old California woman who once warned others about the dangers of a Keanu
Reeves romance scam has now become a victim
herself leading to her becoming homeless after losing thousands. First of all
losing thousands shouldn't make you homeless. Catherine Goodson's story began
in 2022 when she was initially tricked by an individual posing as Reeves.
Goodson explained how she was convinced to send a $500 gift card to the fake Reeves
to prove she wasn't interested in his money.
All right, you know what?
Get out.
Get out of the house.
Get out on the street.
There's something even more gullible coming up.
She realized it was a scam and blocked him.
After posting a warning about it,
another profile reached out to Goodson pretending to be Reeves.
They claim they were attempted to console her about the previous scam attempt.
The woman fell for it and eventually felt the two were in love.
He wanted to marry me, Goodson said.
She is now homeless, living in her car.
She shared her story to raise awareness of these scams.
she shared her story to raise awareness of these scams. That's why you should have pursued
like the unmarried Menendez brother in jail.
At least you would know it's him.
Yeah, right, right.
You can pin him down.
Unfortunately, I wasn't maybe listening
to the warning signs.
I don't blame anyone but myself.
Well, she ended up sending Bitcoin gift cards
and wire transfers to the imposter
over a period of two years,
believing she was helping Reeves
with supposed financial issues.
Yeah, you know, the star of the Matrix movies.
He's probably the highest paid actor in Hollywood.
He can't give it away.
There's legendary stories about how much money he gives away.
Yeah, he gives his whole crew like tons of money.
Oh, and charities and everything.
And she's sending him gift cards.
And by the way, you know she swiped that card
before she sent it to him.
And I don't mean in a card reader.
Oh.
On her bits, it's a bits coin.
If there is any God, Keanu will reach out to her
and try to help her out, but there's not.
So what will happen is another scammer will pose as Keanu
and that man is Dennis Govins.
Well now Keanu can do whatever he wants.
I mean, I'm hoping she doesn't believe the third one,
even if it's really him.
Listen, it's me.
I want to help you out.
Oh, how are you going to help me out?
How much do I have to Venmo you this time to help me out?
No, no, it's cash in hand.
Oh, what do I have to do?
Oh my God.
That is a fucking movie script right there.
Act three is the real Keanu trying to help her.
Brooke Shields revealed she experienced a trauma at the hands of a plastic
surgeon while promoting her new book. The pretty baby actress explained that the
issue began when her gynecologist suggested a surgical reduction of her labia.
Oh, okay.
Did we have to hear this about poor Brooke?
After years of suffering discomfort and bleeding from chafing.
All right.
What?
I mean, how, how light were you on pages for this book that you dug into this fucking
tale? Her labia is what rubbing against her panties? Is that what's causing the
bleeding and chafing? I don't know and maybe they're just dragging on the
ground? This is not my story. I don't I'm uncomfortable. All right, of course, it's not covered by insurance because it's considered cosmetic,
which is very interesting. She noted, first of all, you don't need insurance
or a pussy at this point. The last time I did check, I did not want to be a porn star. Well,
don't belittle the porn stars. It's a they didn't make your vagina the size of a fucking T-bone steak.
I didn't want to be a porn star.
What does that mean?
She agreed and eventually had the procedure done with a male Beverly Hills plastic surgeon.
She was shocked during a post-op appointment when he told her he quote threw in a little
bonus procedure.
Yeah, my penis in Brooke Shields
of a gene that's what I threw in vaginal rejuvenation which tightens the muscles
she said it's like such an invasion such a bizarre like rape of some kind whoa she
said her doctor legitimately proudly explained to me
that he you know threw in a little twofer. Nothing pointed toward this need
to be tighter or smaller or firmer or younger especially there she added. Yeah
except the echo. Maybe he heard the echo. Oh no.
Brooke, Brooke, Brooke, Brooke.
I don't know. Maybe when he dropped his forceps
and had to go up to his shoulder to grab them out,
maybe he said, eh, maybe a little vag rejuvenation here
wouldn't be the worst thing.
Yeah, just to keep her insides on the inside.
It's like sewing them up. Nothing comes between me and my Calvins except some
Botox and super glue. This has revealed too much of Brooke, beloved Brooke. I
think I told you years ago, Erin might have been there, but all of a sudden
through George, my brother-in in law's brother and his family, uh, Brooke shields wound up in my
backyard and Oh no, it wouldn't have been Aaron because it was
Laura. And then I'm like looking out my window and now all of a
sudden Brooke shields is about to breastfeed.
This is a party. You're having a party. You should explain that.
You're like, no shields ended up in my backyard.
No, because she just came. She came over with George's,
I think George's brother, uh,
knew her nanny or something. Oh, it wasn't, it wasn't a party.
No. Oh, so it was
like Filipino something anyway, but Brooke Shields knew
Jordan's brother. That's what it came down to showed up, walked
through the door. And then her vagina came through a couple
seconds later. And she said hello. Right. And so she's in
the backyard and was like, also I could see she's got breast
breastfeeding. So I closed the curtains too much
so there was a crack on the side.
Did she close her curtains?
And I looked through and then my sister then made the move
to breastfeed, I'm like, this is disgusting.
So I tried to block that out and I was unsuccessful.
But anyway, Brooke Shields was in my backyard breastfeeding.
Wow. This was 20 years ago, no anyway, Brooke Shields was in my backyard breastfeeding. Wow.
This was 20 years ago.
No, more, 25 years ago.
Did you have to mop the floor up when she left?
I know, we're like, well, that snail problem is back.
We gotta get the little, you put out little cups of beer
and that gets them.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
When would we admit that in a fucking book?
People are crazy.
Jesus. Are we making America Florida?
Wait, I want to do this one quick joke.
Oh. Madonna sparked engagement rumors with her boyfriend, Akeem Morris,
as she shared a number of photos with him while rocking a diamond ring on her left finger. Speaking of loose lips,
not only is she starting rumors, but her drags also. She's just trying to get photographers
something to take pictures of instead of her face. First of all, imagine how intimidating it would be to buy Madonna a wedding ring.
Yeah, I guess.
Buying her a wedding ring is like.
Sean Penn already did it.
It's like buying a ticket to Joker 2.
You're gonna see too much makeup
and then you're gonna leave early.
That's my joke.
That's a solid one.
That was worth doing, man.
Now let's make America Florida.
Here we go.
was worth doing man now let's get to Florida here we go
all right what is this this so you put this one in about the devil we can skip it and go let's go to the next one well this one was sent in by a listener and
it's this is the thing people the hardest part of finding a Florida man or Florida person story is there's
some of them are very disturbing a lot involved kids.
That's all I'll say and then a lot involved like gruesome stuff.
Anyway, to my point, I guess this person sent in Florida Florida police
Sorry, Florida pizza delivery woman stabbed a pregnant customer 14 times over bad tip
The woman who ordered the Marcos pizza had tipped two dollars
She discovered she was pregnant while she was being treated for stab wounds at the hospital.
So anyway, I had no jokes on that, but it's brutal.
Well, I think they call that the Florida abortion.
You just order a pizza, tip lightly, and wait for the abortion to start.
I think that's a thing that's gonna happen there
now that they're getting, they're changing,
they're making it so hard.
It's like prison wine.
It's the Florida abortion.
Maybe you have to order a pizza from like Georgia
or out of state and they come over the border
and they stab you in your stomach.
Right.
And it only costs two dollars.
Now it's a woman's right to choose to have pizza.
Yeah.
Let's go to...
Let's go down.
Let's go down to...
Good Lord.
All right, here's one.
International.
International, hold on. Crinkle time.
Yeah. What's this story? Young a young boy. Oh, wait.
OK, Mexico's president, Claudia
Scheinbaum, what Claudia
Scheinbaum is the president of Mexico?
I didn't know that either.
She clapped back at president-elect Trump on Wednesday
and said parts of the US should be called
America Mexicana in response to Trump's proposal
to rename the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America.
This reminds me of that.
Remember during 9-11, didn't we call them freedom fries
or something for some reason?
We were mad at France.
We, because in 9-11, we were angry at France
and in the congressional cafeteria,
people literally wasted America's time
by drawing up paper, I don't know. I guess it's a bill
to change the name of French fries to freedom fries.
I mean, the level of idiocy.
So anyway, they he wants to rename the Gulf of Mexico
to the Gulf of America.
I love it.
So he's going to change Mexico to Mexico like it's a company.
He'll demand that.
I'll force them to do that.
So you were going to take Greenland, the Gulf of Mexico, Canada.
This is all in the last 10 days.
We are suddenly like taking part.
This does not seem fair.
I think it should be, at least make it a trade.
We should give them Mississippi, Dayton, Ohio,
and New Jersey.
Yeah.
And you're gonna throw in Philly, of course.
Philly, please take it.
It's just free.
It's a freebie.
It's like a little sampler.
The he also, I met he's probably like, you know what?
South America, you're just south now.
You can't use our name.
Same with you, Central.
Same with you, Latin.
Yeah.
America, you no longer can use that.
I mean, I kind of went down the rabbit
hole a little bit about this Greenland thing because my I was in Denmark for
like a month when I was 18 and it was explained you know people are always
like well in Denmark they have socialized medicine for in Denmark you
get paternity leave for you know two and two and a half years. And it's like it was always explained to me.
It's because Greenland is a fucking oil rig.
It's just a giant oil producing piece of land and offshore off of Greenland.
And so that's where Denmark gets all its money from.
So but what's weird is they.
Don't own it.
It's like, it's its own country
and it just kind of has a deal with Denmark.
And so the idea that another country could come in
and make an offer of a better deal
is actually plausible on some level.
All right
Anyway, let's buy it up. Let's buy it up a young boy survives five days in lion infested game park in Zimbabwe
He was missing from his rural village
For five days. They did not identify him by name, but he was seven years old and the they found
human footprints and discovered him in the Matsudana National Park and they
don't say his name but I think it's safe to say kid needs to put on some weight
the Lions were like not worth the effort.
Meanwhile, some Italian kid falls into a cage
in the Bronx Zoo.
He's got about 11 seconds left to live.
So-
You barely survived in safari over there.
That's right.
I had a fucking asthma attack.
Did I tell you about my asthma attack?
Yes, you did.
When?
You walked us through that.
We podcast this week from, you did it from South Africa.
Oh, right, right.
I told you about my asthma attack.
But this is the thing, like you can never, I mean, it's not just about lions.
Like listen, Neverland Ranch didn't have lions, but no young boy really survived there.
That's true.
You know?
Yep. I think this kid's gonna
have better memories of the game park than the Michael Jackson, than Macaulay
Culkin had. I don't know if he had a zoo. He obviously had his monkey. He had his
chimpanzee I should say. Oh no he had a bunch of zoo animals. Zebra right? Didn't he have
stuff? He had eye candy. He had some eye candy.
Some lures.
All right, let's move on.
Let's go down to.
To this day in history.
Yeah.
You got it, here we go.
["The Star-Spangled Banner"]
All right, Greg made me look these up in advance.
And.
Well, because I was getting,
see you don't read the hundreds of emails
that I go through every week.
There's not hundreds.
Here we go, you ready?
People say that you take too long
to come up with a date, so.
Well, because I'm making them up on the fly.
The groundbreaking television series,
all in the family, debuted on CBS in what year?
Oh, I guess it was a mid season
replacement. I know they did two pilots, two different ones with
different casting for Mike and glory, I believe. But when did
the all in the family that we know with meathead air for the
first time, give or take
one year.
I have this gut, I don't know why, but I think it's 1975.
Oh my goodness, I was even going to give you two years. 1971.
No.
And boy did they come out of the gates swinging.
The first one I think was about draft dodging,
I think like abortion was soon, it was crazy. You know what's crazy about that, and I think I've mentioned this on the gates swinging. The first one I think was about draft dodging. I think like abortion was soon. It was crazy. You know what's crazy about that? I think I've mentioned this on
the show before. All right. Nineteen seventy one. It comes out on CBS, then known as the
Tiffany Network, the family network. It comes out at eight o'clock on Saturday night and and no warnings, no fucking, there's the content.
Now it airs on cable at midnight with warnings
and edited down.
Yep, makes sense.
Yeah.
All right, another New York story like all in the family.
Quarterback great Joe Namath, having guaranteed victory,
led the New York Jets to a 16-7 win over the favored Baltimore Colts in Superbowl
three. This is the last time the Jets even made it to a Superbowl. I think you
know, I'm going to say give or take zero years what
year did this happen? 1969. You got it pal. Yeah. Okay here we go. Same kind of one.
These are all right in a row. It was easy today. The live-action TV series Batman
premiered on ABC. A huge hit. It starred Adam West as the Cape Crusader
and Burt Ward as Robin.
Give or take three years, which is a seven year window,
when did this, when did Batman premiere on ABC?
I know that Adam West was a famous pussy hound.
Apparently, crazy stories about how many women he slept with.
Yes, I know, yeah, it really is.
So I'm guessing that was in the 60s.
So I'm gonna say 1963.
Oh, and I said give or take three years.
Yeah.
1966.
Hey now. I mean, you
should not be proud of that.
At all. But did we talk about it on this show? But I remember
talking about Adam West. And like, literally dozens of women
every week he slept with it an article. Yeah, sometimes there
was like, like a line also he and
Gorshin I think who played the Riddler they went to an orgy in I think it might
have been in New York and were kicked out of the orgy I'm not sure I don't
know any of the details I forgot've forgotten the details other than that. But they got around, they got around.
All right, moving on.
All right, so I'm two for three.
No, we're done, I thought that was nice and tight.
All right, well then I was two for three.
I didn't say it had to continue,
I'm telling you what my score is.
I mean, unless you want to guess
what year Howard Stern was born.
Howard Stern, right now I'm guessing is 70.
It's his birthday, January 12th.
I mean, it's 19th.
He's 70 then 70 years ago was see this is where I get fucked up because I can't
subtract 70 from 25
1940
You hear it
1954 you had it right you had his age, right?
Which is sad, I just can't add all right letters to the editor. All right, here we go, letters to the editor.
Yes.
Kelly Holmes said, did you piss off Spotify?
I listen to Sunday Papers every week,
and it was my number two listen to podcast for the year,
but every week I have to go and search for it.
Spotify doesn't put it on my podcast homepage.
When you drop a new episode like it does
with every other podcast that I don't listen to as often,
probably all that rape you two love to talk.
Well, now she just kicked us off the old river.
Whoa, Kelly, Kelly.
Thanks, Kelly.
Thanks, Kelly Holmes.
Yeah, I don't know.
Dirty mouth.
Our show gets no promotion.
I don't know what it is.
I think it's, I honestly think this is maybe
the best podcast out there.
And, you know. Someone should tell me, I think it's I honestly think this is maybe the best podcast out there and
You know someone should tell me I'd try harder if I knew it was the best podcast out there
David said I listened to Fitz dog and Sunday papers you have elaborated on how you started writing for shows I think the audience would like to know how Mike got his start. He's done some wild shit recently
Therefore he should explain himself as much as he can." And he said, please keep it to 30 seconds.
Oh, how I got my start? Yeah. You, really? You, Greg Fitzsimmons, would introduce me.
I was 30 seconds.
So basically I went in PR.
Now I said the 30 seconds,
but now that I know that it's about me,
you could take as long as you want.
All right, it won't be long.
I didn't know you could make money
like in entertainment writing.
I just, and it sounds stupid to say that,
but there was no one in my family
or family's friends or anything.
So that wasn't a thing.
So, and I had a dad who was like overly sensible,
but overly, I mean, it's like you're going to law school or getting your MBA and I'll
help you with that. So I got into PR and then I was miserable. And then I ran into a friend
who's actually staying in my place right now, Chris Weinstein, who was this hotshot editor
at Broadway video for MTV. I ran into him at a concert and I go, what do you do?
He's like, oh, I'm an editor.
And I pictured a guy like literally splicing tape.
I was so naive.
And he was, what do you do?
I'm like, nothing.
And he's like, well, if you want to come down and see.
So I went down, I was blown away.
He's like, do you want a job at MTV?
And I said, yes.
And I took a massive pay cut and I became a PA at MTV networks.
And then I started right in the promos department
and then I started writing promos but Greg came into it because HBO heard I could kind of write
some funny things so they hired me but I was way in over my head but what I did have was Greg would call up Ray Romano and Dave Attell and anyone that was also doing business with HBO.
And he would say, you can trust this guy.
And I would get these shortcuts even with David Cross from Mr. Show.
And I would get these shortcuts because I'm insecure.
They're insecure.
Usually to do a stupid, you know, awkward, anxious dance for a few days,
cause they think you're going to ruin their image and that would all be
shortcut and I would get the best work out of these guys.
And I did very well there.
And then I wanted to be on the show side of things and that's,
that's how it happened.
I love it. I love it. Then you went to Kilbourne where you started as,
didn't you start as an editor there?
No, a Purdue, a comedy producer.
I didn't get in the writer's room right away,
but I just kept writing.
And you worked your way into the writer's room
and you worked your way up to head writer.
Yeah.
And then you ended up head writing
on some Comedy Central shows.
Yeah, well I went to Ellen and joined you after Kilbourne.
Oh, I thought you did my, didn't you do Mencia before that? No, all of that.
Ellen was the first job after that.
And you know, listen, a lot of it to answer the question is you got to get lucky big time,
but you can increase your chances of getting lucky by constantly putting it out there,
whether it is you going out to clubs, meeting,
you never know who you're going to meet or just you keep writing and you increase your
chance of getting lucky.
And then I got lucky this way.
I happen to be good at writing five questions, but I also would be busy and not be able to
write a lot of jokes on the topical stuff.
So then I had like this half hour every day and I wrote a lot of five questions and it turns out that was Kilbourne's favorite thing.
That was a segment he brought from The Daily Show into Late Night on CBS. They allowed
him to take that away with him. And so he and I wish I could say that's how smart I
was. I identified what my host liked the most and I wrote that
I just happened to get lucky and and so I got a lot of five questions and that's how I became a writer on
Kilbourne I love it
Frank says so about that insurance company going bankrupt from a disaster prediction. You're about to be one one
zero over Gibby.
Yeah, you're right. I mean, the insurance companies, you know, my stepbrother burned
down our house, as you know, and that was in 1995, I think, or six. And he burned down,
probably four, and he burned down our house, and he burned on us and the insurance guy came
It was a massive three stories. I mean a massive fire three stories right to the ground
We didn't even find the tiles from one of the bathrooms
I don't even know I don't know I didn't know you could have a flame that hot and
The guy wrote a check on the hood of the car
Literally wrote a check for 50 grand saying, this goes towards what we're
going to pay you for this house. Get out, get your family in a hotel and it's a total
loss. And then Jim Adrian, my roommate at the time, but who was also an attorney told
us, you know, you're going to have to sue them. And my dad was like, Jim, you know what?
You're so jaded. Cause Jim would represent mobile and Exxon when they would dump oil
in the Hudson river. Like he was on a big wall Street firm. He's like, you're so jaded. He's like, this is
mom and pop up here. And the guy already said it was a total loss and cut me a check. He's
like, you'll see. Well, we had to sue them. They do not like paying. Yeah, I think the
CEO who's just gone down in Midtown was a reminder. It doesn't matter what insurance
it is
They do not like giving you your money back
No, they don't and I just did I tell you how that I had an accident with the van We rented in South Africa. Oh, no, I hit the a pillar in an underground parking garage and I think you did tell me this last
Week. Yes. Yeah yeah I crushed the side door so we turned it in and we had paid full coverage on the van and I turned it
in and of course they're saying it's not covered right yeah so now I got a fucking
call South Africa eight times in the next week and try to straighten that out
Steve Smiley says I love you guys guys, listen to From the Start, never miss an episode.
However, if you don't get someone to correct
these damn levels with Mike mumbling into the mic
and Greg screaming into the mic, I can't take it.
I think it's part of our charm.
Yes, absolutely.
Yeah, Steve, come on, we love you too.
And my mic, people might complain this week.
I'm looking at the levels.
I have good mic technique.
That's all I can tell you this week.
It's the new me.
It's 2025 mic technique mic.
Here's my thing.
See this clip at the bottom that you don't have?
When you get that, you stick it on your chest,
and it puts the mic right in front of your mouth without having to strain your arm the whole time. at the bottom that you don't have. When you get that, you stick it on your chest
and it puts the mic right in front of your mouth
without having to strain your arm the whole time.
Sizzle chest.
All right, the obituary.
Let's do it. Ready?
Obituary.
Who died?
Anita, whatever her name is.
Oh, Anita Bryant, fuck her.
Right, exactly.
So I didn't do that.
You know what I did?
I did a little obituary to the Pacific Palisades.
For those of you that don't know,
it's a neighborhood in the western region of Los Angeles,
about 20 miles west of downtown.
It was formally founded in 1921.
The palisades would later be sought after by celebrities
and other high profile individuals seeking privacy.
It's known for its seclusion being a close-knit community with a small town feel, a Mediterranean
climate, hilly, we know that all too well now, hilly topography, natural environment, yes again,
we know that too well now, and an abundance of parkland and hiking trails,
a three mile strip of coastline and for being home to several
architecturally significant homes.
Who knows if those survived as of 2022?
The community's population was twenty three thousand one hundred and twenty one.
Yeah. So the palisades. This is not an overstatement, is gone. And I don't know
what, I don't even know what happens. I don't know how it comes back.
I mean there's a lot of devastation and there's a lot of people that are left homeless and
obviously about five people died, which I think it was because people saw the fire coming and luckily the roadways were open enough
that people could get out.
I think most of those deaths are over in towards Pasadena, the Marotadena.
Maybe there were two, I don't know, but surprisingly low number.
I will say this, sadly, whenever these things happen and we hear about them, whether it's flooding or
whatever.
I think, you know, listen, richer neighborhoods, I think they also heed the warning.
They have so many more options.
They have so many places, more places to go than less fortunate socioeconomic people.
And so I think that's one of the reasons for these low numbers, but they also
Did have a little notice. I mean, I remember I think maybe you and I even commented on it
But there was that high wind advisory days ahead days in advance where they said this is gonna lead to fires
Yeah, yeah
well
on a sad note,
my favorite park in California is Will Rogers State Park,
right in the middle of the Palisades,
and we used to go there a lot.
They have the great hiking trails,
but the highlight of it is there's this house
that was built in like 1900 in Will Rogers State Park and it was where he lived and
it was this amazing estate because you know in a state it was not ostentatious it was a two-story
ranch style house it had just like you know custom-made wood and and it had a big porch
and it was on the park and it had horse stables, but it was just so kind of,
I don't know, it made me feel nostalgic
and Will Rogers was just amazing.
Yeah, he was like one of the first stand-up,
you could call him the first stand-up comedian
in some ways, you know?
And that burned to the ground, that whole thing is gone.
Unbelievable, yeah, that's gone.
All right, time to cheer up. Here we go.
Cheer up. We're cheering up at the Funnies. Let's do it. All right. Last week,
as you know, we do the Comedy Captions Contest every week. We put out a one
frame comic and it has no caption and we ask you, the listeners, the viewers, to send us in your jokes
and we print the very best and then of those very best,
we pick the very, very best and that person wins a koozie.
I know, that doesn't end strong.
I know and I'm gonna get some out.
I brought them here to Smashville.
I'm gonna mail some out.
So if you get picked, we will send you a koozie for free.
This week's caption is,
it's a cow with a shotgun under his arm,
or I guess her arm.
Now I guess, is it a, there's no horns, so it is a cow.
Walking into a place that says burger place
and there's people sitting at a counter there's a bunch of cooks cooking burgers and the cow is
looking back at the camera and this was done by Jason Love by the way thank you for the artwork
yes and Ron D's joke was Elsie saw the security camera and hoofed it out of there.
That's nice for like middle schoolers, Ron.
Dylan Brow said,
falling down is the only movie I've ever seen, so.
Wow, this cow really sees some esoteric films, Dylan.
Do you get that reference?
Not really.
I think, right, doesn't Michael Douglas snap and maybe go in old place with a gun. Okay.
Matt Rayhurst said, now we'll see who has a beef with me.
I like that. I like Matt's.
And then Laney said, and you thought one and you thought 1.2 billion Hindus were crazy.
And you thought 1.2 billion Hindus were crazy? And that's because they don't kill them, I guess, right?
Yep.
Got it.
All right.
So this week, I'm not going to lie to you, we did not get a ton of submissions this week.
I don't know if this did not lend itself.
It was the holidays.
It was the holidays.
So anyway, you like whose?
I like Matt's.
All right, Matt Rare, congratulations.
Your beer will be cold this winter
with the new Sunday Papers Cousy, which, by the way,
if you don't win the contest, you can still buy them.
If you go to FitzDogg.com, you basically just Venmo us
the money with your address in
the Venmo caption and we send it off ten dollars no shipping all in ten bucks all
in delivered right to your door at some point next week's caption is we're
clearly in an outdoor area it looks like there's a waterfall with bears. Now we have one bear,
he's standing up in front of a tree, he's got a brown paper bag in his hand, and there is a man
standing there pulling money out of his wallet. The bear has his hand, one hand is out, the other
one is holding the brown bag. So there's a couple of ways to interpret this. I'd so there's an exchange going on there's
an exchange happening and we don't know what the exchange is that's up to you
guys man has a wallet out taking out cash the bear has a brown bag in his hand
and something transactional is going on between them. Send those in to
FittsDogRadio at gmail.com. Please put your name underneath your
submission. You could say it's a bear market. What's happening there? There you
go. Save it for next week. That wouldn't win, but you could say that. Alright, let's
get to the rapist. Haggar the Horrible is looking at his daughter. Him and his wife are looking at their daughter
and they look aghast as she puts lipstick on
and she says, I've used up four kiss-proof lipsticks.
And then in the next frame, Haggar in the way for smiling
and she goes, relax, I still don't know if it works.
And Haggar's like, maybe you should throw on a pair of those
rape proof panties.
Oh,
is this his daughter? Yeah. Oh, boy. You went too far with
Haggar.
Well, you got to remember the context of this comic strip. You
got to understand what's going on at this time.
I don't even get this cartoon but I'm a little tired. Well there's a thing called kiss proof lipstick which means it doesn't wear off when you kiss
wearing it and she's talking about how she's been putting a bunch on and she's
saying and they're upset that she's kissing a lot of guys and she goes
relax I still don't know if it works in other words she's saying, and they're upset that she's kissing a lot of guys and she goes, relax. I still don't know if it works. In other words,
she's not kissing guys. And then my joke was,
he says you should put on some rape proof. I got you. All right.
Now kiss proof lipsticks was like, yeah,
no one can kiss you when you have this lipstick on cause it smells like feces.
That's yeah, that's another way to go. All right. All right.
Let's cheer up with
Leroy and Loretta. She's looking at the laptop he's laying on the couch and she
goes, I completed the online health assessment for you. According to this
you're deceased. Did I get that? All right. You heard my
on. Yep. Now they're sitting at the dinner table and she looks at their
eating. She looks at Leroy and she goes, what do you mean you can't eat another
bite? You just sat down. I like that one. All right, let's go into a blind read of
Dilbert. All right, this is number nine. It's we're counting up to ten. I can't, we
cannot tell if we're like going backwards or the right way to the best one.
It's impossible to tell.
There's three panels.
The first one, Dilbert, is pulling up a chair at a table.
He goes, who called this meeting?
And a guy in a green shirt in the middle goes,
we thought you did.
And then there's some woman just sitting there.
So that's panel one.
Panel two, the guy in the green goes, I think we should discuss issues and assign tasks
so it's not a complete waste of time. That's a good thought. Dilbert just stares at him.
Third frame, Dilbert goes, maybe meetings have become a life form capable of calling themselves
and thus reproducing via human hosts.
And the guy in the green goes, good issue.
And the woman in red says exactly what's on my mind right now, which is the word.
Wow.
Wow.
That's what she says.
That's what I say.
Wow.
Wow.
Well, yeah, it's Dilbert is looking at the office world
from the outside. You know, he's, um, they're still trying to figure out meetings in this
world. They, uh, they're very bored with the everydayness, the blandness of offices.
Jesus. Yes. All right. Let's take it up a notch. every dayness, the blandness of offices.
Jesus.
Yes.
All right, let's take it up a notch.
That's all there is to say about it, really.
Blondie is in bed.
She has on a taupe is the color.
It's a frilly laced negligee with a little ribbon
holding the two tits together.
It's frilly, it's hanging off her left shoulder
and Dagwood of course is wearing a pair of pajamas with donuts on them. What's
wrong with this picture? And then he goes I'm sorry about our disagreement honey
let's just kiss it away and call it a night and then she goes that would be
nice dear. Second frame they kiss. Third frame they're back to back and he says did it
work? She goes not even close dear. Wow. Not even close. Yeah they're pretty far
apart in that last frame. I mean first of all kissing never works in this bedroom.
It never leads to anything that's for sure sure. No, no. I mean,
did it? Did it work? No, you know what works? That negligee
wrapped around her head as you pump furiously into the golden
locks that are muffed between those two thighs.
Seriously, okay, what works?
That'll work. Did that work? I don't know. I can't walk.
Did it work? I don't know. I've got bruises on my ass cheeks.
It was like Haggard rolled through here.
All right, listen, if you enjoy the show, support our sponsors. Oh, wait, we don't have any.
We don't have any.
I go buy a shirt.
Go buy some merch for God sakes.
But we will be back next week with an all new episode of Sunday Papers.
We want to thank, of course, Midcoast Media for doing a great job with the editing and
the producing and all of that stuff. And good luck to everybody in Los Angeles that's dealing
with the fire, the displacement, the homelessness, the people are having asthma
attacks, and our thoughts are with the firefighters and police that are assisting people. And
let's just hope this thing winds down soon.
Crazy man. Yeah, I, as we said at the top, I flew out when it started, I was
literally flying out. And so I'm like everybody else reading these reports, I
And so I'm like everybody else reading these reports. I don't really know what zero containment means.
It seems like it's far more contained
when they say it's still zero.
So I don't know what that means,
but God, I hope they do contain them.
Yeah.
All right.
All right everybody.
Take it each.
Take it each.
All right.
Read all about it.
The podcast begins with Graffit Simmonds and Michael Gibbons.
It's the Sunday Vapors Podcast.
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