Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 247 1/12/25

Episode Date: January 12, 2025

We’re dealing with the fires here in Los Angeles and celebrating Biden becoming a grandfather. Also, Keanu Reeves is scamming an old lady and Brooke Shields is given a surprise vaginal rejuvenation....Watch Greg’s new special, “You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Email caption submissions to FitzdogRadio@gmail.com subject line: “Comic Contest”Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): fitzdogradio@gmail.comFind Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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Starting point is 00:00:45 If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. Bet MGM, operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. ["I'm Gonna Be a Man"] Read all about it, the podcast begins with Greg Fitzsimmons and Michael Gibbons. It's the Sunday Vapors Podcast!
Starting point is 00:01:12 Read all about it! Read all about it! Two stateside journalists. One's in Venice Beach, one's in... Nashville. Snowy, Nashville. How often is Snowy and Nashville? I don't know, we got over five inches.
Starting point is 00:01:35 We just went sledding. I just came in, that's why I look like this. But that's you saying five inches. So... Yeah, it's bigger, clearly. It's more. So so hold on one second it's slushy it's slushy and no no not slushy and it's about to freeze bad like and then the roads and last year I was here and we probably talked about it and they had
Starting point is 00:02:02 a storm I think the last few days of December and no one here knows how to have fun in the snow because it only happens once or twice a year. And so then I got a rope and I dragged the kids behind the car on sleds and they had the time of their lives and then I dragged Hannah into a wood pile. Did I never show you that? What?
Starting point is 00:02:25 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's the great feature now on your albums and stuff. And you can search. Did I tell you I search? You can put in tuxedo. It finds every picture of you in a tuxedo. No shit. So now I just put in sled. It knows what sledding is and
Starting point is 00:02:48 yeah, a bunch came up. Dude, that's weird. Isn't it? Yeah. I'm gonna put it in. This was last year. They're out the back. Anyway, that's all the crazy sledding photos and then wait you dragged her into a wood pile yeah not that and that one was oh yeah maybe it is it and the dog is running next to you oh yeah the dog is running next to you. Oh yeah, the dog's trying to keep up. And then this is good for listening for podcast listeners. Anyway, I'm showing dragging a sled and then and I'm going fast. Let dogs haul and try to keep up.
Starting point is 00:03:40 Yeah. And then they want to go faster. That's insane. So here it is, here it is, you ready? Yeah. Here they go, they make. Right into a wood pile. Stepfather of the year.
Starting point is 00:03:57 No, no, and also Hannah was on that. But the, people put, unlike LA, there is real wood clearing here and you leave the piles down like you leave the trash by your driveway. And that's what they just that's what they were just pulled into. Nice. Well, you're missing all the excitement here. Yeah, we bury the lead.
Starting point is 00:04:26 So I'm on a plane. I'm on a plane. You ready? This is how we'll start talking about this. I'm on a plane to come down here and I'm on the phone with Ruby and Ruby goes outside his office, which is on around 10th Street and Broadway in downtown Santa Monica. And I hear him go, whoa. And my plane is supposed to take off at 11, and it's probably 10.45. I think it started at 10.30, according to accounts.
Starting point is 00:04:59 And Ruby's like, whoa. And I'm like, what? I go, it's windy, right? Because I had just taken my scooter to the airport and there's like tree parts all over the street and I'm getting blown around on my scooter. And so I'm like, no, it's windy. The street has a bunch of crap in it.
Starting point is 00:05:13 He's like, no, dude, there's a huge fire. So when I start taxiing, I open up my window shade on the plane and this is what I see. Wow. Yeah. Huge smoke in the distance for the listeners over the runway, and that like doubled in size in five minutes.
Starting point is 00:05:38 And I'm like, are we even taking off and you feel the wind like moving? And we sure did, we took off. And all of it was so windy by the way all of lax uh runways were reversed so for the first time in my life i took off eastbound instead of out over the ocean from lax because the wind was so bad i came in from south africa two hours after you left and And we get to LA. Meanwhile, I've been flying for 24 hours.
Starting point is 00:06:08 I have not had any newsfeed. Nobody on the plane is aware that there's a fire in LA. And then all of a sudden we're coming into land and I go, and we're looking out the window, I go, why are we flying out over the ocean right now? Because you always land going towards the ocean. And so that wind was blowing and so we faced it and I'm looking out, I'm on the left side of the plane
Starting point is 00:06:31 and I look out and I go, what the fuck is going on? I thought there was like a terrorist attack. There was like huge black smoke and flames. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? So we land, we hear about it. And then we're driving on Lincoln to the west side. And I mean, the whole horizon is just black and you can you like you feel it in your chest right away. Yeah. And so we get we get home and then suddenly it's like, know we're in Venice so obviously there's a lot of
Starting point is 00:07:07 concrete between us and the Palisades which is at the at that time that was the heart of the the fire and it got close it got within six miles and then it you know it hit Santa Monica or almost hit Santa Monica and it slowed down but all of a sudden everybody's got masks on it was like the pandemic all over and you couldn't go outside without like choking. I came out my car the next day had like a quarter of an inch of ashes on top of it unbelievable and just more and more people, you know, everybody's checking in with everybody. Some people that I know lost their homes. One of Owen's best friends home burned to the ground. Yeah, we lost you know them, john and Dana, that
Starting point is 00:07:56 couple that we met because of like early, early school. Right. And they lived in the Palisades. And they were both born in the Palisades. And were both born in the palisades and they lived there oh I wonder about their parents house there one of their one of the grandparents was there in like a house the old LA big house and yeah but I mean the the scenes from the palisades are I can't even wrap my mind around it's apocalyptic it's literally just whole neighborhoods burned to the ground. And here's the other thing. It's very sad people don't think about because it is a wealthier area. But there are a lot of working class people, middle class people in that neighborhood that
Starting point is 00:08:35 have been there for generations. Yeah. And it's one of those things where people are house rich out here. And then, you know, as you know know the insurance companies dropped 70,000 people in this area about four months ago me being one of them I no longer have any home homeowners insurance if something happened to my house is just gone and then my wife was talking to this guy on the at the market and he was crying he was a landscaper he said those are all my clients. He goes, I literally have no job now. And this is a guy who, you know, probably was working on 1520 houses, they were all gone.
Starting point is 00:09:17 I mean, no, I we can't even just putting our heads together, we'll come up with a lot of people who are now going to pour like working class people. Right. Who meaning poor people in Los Angeles because everything is so expensive. Yeah. And like, okay, gardeners is a great example,
Starting point is 00:09:36 but how about those garbage men are being laid off? There's no, well, it's a different kind of garbage now. I mean, it's deconstruction or demolition, like they just have to take it to landfill. Well, also, like, good luck. Like, I just put up new gates on our house because they were falling down. It took us three months to find a contractor that had time to put four fucking gates on my house. Now you've got thousands of houses burned to the ground.
Starting point is 00:10:06 Where are there this at a time when Trump is about to deport not the time to deport. Right. Exactly. So I mean, these people are fucked. You talk about a fire sale, people are going to be selling their lots for whatever they can get. And they're going to move somewhere else that's going to be thousands of people. The school teachers, there's no more school. The, I mean, Gelson's, Ralph's, those are the two supermarkets. Those are gone.
Starting point is 00:10:35 All the restaurants along the PCH. Every restaurant, every store. I mean, a whole town is gone. Yeah. And it's a bigger footprint than Manhattan. Like it's giant. It's giant. Yeah. And it's still going, you know, right now there's like new fires that are going on up near Calabasas that just sprouted yesterday and the winds are supposed to kick up again on Sunday. Like, like they were the other day, like 80 mile an hour winds. And the problem is it's
Starting point is 00:11:04 called, and people don't know this. And the problem is it's called, and people don't know this. I fly in Sunday. We may be telling people what they already know, but like it's called the Santa Ana winds because they basically blow in from the desert and it's a hot, dry, westerly blowing wind. And basically all it needs is a small fire
Starting point is 00:11:21 and it just blows it, you know, 80 miles an hour. And we haven't had rain here since they say last May. I mean, we had like, we had like a few showers this winter and that was it. Everything is bone dry. And there was some arson as well, right? That's what I'm hearing. They arrested a guy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:43 I know there's a lot of conspiracy theories too, but like terrorism and all that stuff. But it's awful. I mean, that wind, I mean, you were in here. It was crazy. It was like footage from a hurricane. If you were outside in that wind, and then you just need to spark and it's gone. Yeah. So I had shows all week, they all got canceled, the clubs are all closed. And it's just it really is like flashbacks like wearing a mask outside. It's just it feels like the pandemic all over again, you just feel very isolated. You feel like you want to help people that are up there, but
Starting point is 00:12:27 there's nothing we can really do. We did a clothes drive in the in the house today. My daughter got some clothes together and we got some money together and dropped it off. So if I if I if I see any people walking around in maroon, I'll know they're from the Palisades. If you see a ticket, take it each tshirt and a guy with a Sunday papers mug. It's kind of like it's kind of like the Africans who get the losing team from the Super Bowl when they printed up the t-shirts of them winning and then they're like
Starting point is 00:12:57 get them out of here. It's gonna be it's gonna be a lot of Eagles t-shirts going to Zimbabwe this year. Hey Grapefruitfruit Sim, you listen to him? No, I lost my home. I don't know what this shirt means. I don't know. I know. But it's terrible. And yeah, Pasadena, it's just incredible. And I can't believe it's not over.
Starting point is 00:13:21 I have to say, it's been very nice though. People reaching out to me, friends, every, I have like 26 cousins and I think 25 of them reached out to me, it was very nice. That one bastard, yeah. Son of a bitch. All right, on a lighter note, way lighter, and it seems, but I'm doing it just to lighten up the tone.
Starting point is 00:13:43 Some, I guess a listener maybe wrote in, but it was, the Golden Globes went really great and we had a short-lived like celebration and recognition of them until things were massively put into perspective by the fires. And then everything very appropriately just stopped on a dime, which it should of course. And, but they did go
Starting point is 00:14:06 well and I wanted to share one funny story from the room. I should say congratulations. They were a big hit. Nikki Glaser got rave reviews, which obviously is a lot to do with her, but also a lot to do with you and the people that wrote material for her. She'll be the first to say like how much she values her writers and all that stuff. But she is also, she's great. I mean, beyond great, she's just really
Starting point is 00:14:33 a consummate professional and so hardworking. So, but one thing was, so we had one of my favorite jokes, not mine, was look who's here, two-time Holocaust survivor Adrian Brody, right? Because he's in a new one now. So then we tagged that with a joke, which was, you know, Adrian Brody, if Adrian Brody had a time machine
Starting point is 00:14:59 and went back in history, he would kiss baby Hitler for giving him his career. All right, so then Nikki, which she does on every joke is like, okay, who might not get that? And so then we're like, come on, everyone gets that, knows that philosophical exercise of if you had a time machine, what would you do? Number one answer, you go back and you kill baby Hitler. And I think Norm had funny stuff about that. But anyway, um, she's like, hold on, hold on. Let me ask my assistant. Now,
Starting point is 00:15:30 I don't know how old the assistant is, but she seems, if she's 22, she's a very young 22 and she's amazing at social media and does a lot of that for a Nikki. And I don't even know how long they've worked together, but this girl is very young. And so anyway, she's like, have you ever heard of that going back and killing baby Hitler? She's like, what?
Starting point is 00:15:54 No idea. Hasn't heard of the concept at all. And the whole place. And then of course the room is having a debate like you found one person, you know, that joke is still great, blah, blah, blah. But before it came back to the room, I was like, all right, I go, so do you, do you understand?
Starting point is 00:16:12 Because it wasn't explained that well that it's like that philosophical, like you have a time machine. What would you do? And blah, blah. So I go, so you don't know about the Hitler. What would be yours? I go, you have, she's like, I have a, what do you mean? So I'm like, you have a time machine.
Starting point is 00:16:29 You can go back to do whatever you wanna do. What would you do? She's like, oh God, I would never get into time machine. I can't live without my phone. That was her answer. That was, that's a Gen X, that's the the answer. Gen Z. Whatever the hell they are. Yeah. Yep. Unbelievable. I mean, yeah, not even a hesitation. So the joke died based on her not getting the joke. Yes. Oh, well, I guess that's one litmus test. Yeah, no, we had a lot she did.
Starting point is 00:17:05 To her credit, she did a lot of them on Stern and I had I had a few in that folder as well. I really was pushing my one joke, which was, I liked it, but because it's about Dylan, but that Chalamet just rigorously trained and exhaustively trained for three years to be, you know, with voice lessons, guitar lessons, movement to be Bob Dylan, where Bob Dylan became Bob Dylan the old fashioned way, drugs and autism. And then someone in the room who had a little knowledge goes,
Starting point is 00:17:39 well, like it's like, no, no, I'm kidding, but he is obsessed with trains and it's so true. I'm like freight train, night train. He has a slow train is the name of an album. Yeah. Right, right. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:56 And then the assistant went, who's Bob Dylan? Yeah, exactly. Well, that's good. She was great though. One thing she did for me every day, I'm like, give me the mustache check because we had a Timothy Chalamet mustache joke. So every day I'm like, did he shave?
Starting point is 00:18:10 Did he shave? We can't do the joke if he shaved, it's all on you. So every day she'd find like Getty images or something from a restaurant the night before. It's like still has the mustache. Like that was her task for me. Yeah. I texted her and I said,
Starting point is 00:18:24 I know you're in town for like two weeks and we're in South Africa. I said, do you wanna stay at my house? And so you're not stuck in a hotel. And she wrote back within four seconds, no, I'm good. I'm good in the hotel with the room service and the gym next to the clubs,
Starting point is 00:18:44 not at your shitty house in Venice. That's fantastic. So yeah, and your friend, you had a friend who wrote in from high school, I listen every weekend, love the show, I went to Berkshire school with Mike, thinking of you both and sending you hopeful thoughts as your communities are under fire.
Starting point is 00:19:06 Under fire sounds like there's a shooter. Right, well there's arsons, apparently there's an arson. But that's Megan, I can't believe, yeah. Megan, what are you doing listening every week? Do you remember her? Oh my God, of course, but also she married another Berkshire alum in my class, Tom. We knew you might have met him on the way.
Starting point is 00:19:30 T. Did you ever meet T? Of course, of course. Yeah, we would go out with him in New York all the time. And then he he moved to San Francisco, but they met in New York. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, no, T's been my friend since I mean, God, I guess I'm 16. I don't know. But and Megan was there at the same time. And, and oh my God, they're the coolest couple. They're doing so great. Kids get their Christmas card with the kids, multiple dogs, the whole thing. That's like we have friends that met freshman year of college, Sam and Tim,
Starting point is 00:20:02 Like we have friends that met freshman year of college, Sam and Tim, still together, going strong. Yep. But that's very sweet to send. That's very nice. Yeah, yeah, like you, I've heard from a lot of people. Oh, can I say also that the power went out because of the fires and I came back and so I had to reset my clock.
Starting point is 00:20:21 I have a GE digital clock next to my bed. I want you to guess right now, because I know the year I got this clock. Tell me what year I got this clock. It's a standard AMFM old school GE digital clock radio. And it still works. Oh, I was gonna say 2024. I thought the accomplishment was still able
Starting point is 00:20:51 to find one like that. All right, no, I mean, I'm gonna say you probably got it in 1990. 1980, I was 14 years old. And I know it because we had a letter, you know, like, what do you call it when you, you can write on a piece of tape that you put on a. Oh, the one that makes indentations.
Starting point is 00:21:13 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, yeah, yeah, I forget what that's called. So me and my friends used to always say, you know, you're in eighth grade and you say stupid. So we used to say, we used to write JMO on stuff and that meant jerk me off. That was like, like, stupid graffiti write JMO on stuff and that meant jerk me off. That was like a stupid graffiti. JMO.
Starting point is 00:21:28 So anyway, I wrote JMO on that thing and it's on the clock radio. So I know it was from eighth grade or ninth grade. That motherfucker still works. Meanwhile, my iPhone, you go to the Apple store and your phone's four years old, they look at you like you're insane that you have this relic and they can't believe it still works. That's 45 years ago. Business schools have done all these studies. Everybody used to love buying a Kenmore washer dryer or refrigerator
Starting point is 00:22:07 because they would last forever and it's not a good business model and they change that. So my refrigerator that I rent my apartment, my refrigerator is from 1980 and it's a sub-zero 1980 and it's a subzero and It it keeps kind of breaking like now the guy gave me like $50 off a month rent because I no longer have an ice Machine or water like you know filtered water in the door or whatever so it's it's really dying but every guy comes exactly what you're saying and he goes I See why your landlord wants to keep this because they don't sub zero even, which are a thousand, they cost more than a car, you know, like a used car.
Starting point is 00:22:50 He's like, they don't make them like this anymore. Yeah. Like these parts, like I can find that old part for you, this might go another five, 10 years. No, repairmen are out of business because nothing, first of all all it's not worth the cost of fixing and second of all they make it so you can't fix it you basically everything requires buying the innards all over again and it's all
Starting point is 00:23:18 landfill everything's left anyway. Oh the world's in such great shape. Yeah. So anyway, we put it out to people. We were curious how long, speaking of things that are old but keep on working, our podcast, we were curious of when the first episode was. And so we asked people, and it's so funny because they got like four different answers. So I don't know which is right. Somebody said March 10th, 2020. Somebody said April 1st, 2020.
Starting point is 00:23:50 Let's go with April 1st because that gives us a little bit more time to launch a proper five year anniversary show accompanied by the sale of new Sunday papers, hats, baseball caps, right? accompanied by the sale of new Sunday papers hats. That's a- Baseball caps, right? Baseball caps, it's a fifth anniversary on them. Love it.
Starting point is 00:24:14 By the way, the T-shirts are still available. We got a nice picture. You can look at it down at the bottom of the script. There's some people that wrote in, they said to picture themselves, this is Dave and Alicia Goldfarb and he's wearing the Take It East shirt in light blue. She has a maroon read all about it shirt. All right. They're high quality and they look very they look stunning together. They've been fans of the show since the very first episode.
Starting point is 00:24:47 And they also look at them. That's true. They sent another picture of them holding their mugs. So anyway, if you want to stay current with the merch, get the T-shirt now. The hats will be coming out in about four months. And, you know, we need to make up some revenue because ad sales in the podcast world, if you guys don't know this,
Starting point is 00:25:08 have gone away for the smaller podcasts. They're basically all these giant podcasts are making millions and millions, and the smaller podcasts like ours are not getting the ads. So we need to keep generating money to pay our editor and producer and all that stuff. So support the show and buy the merch. All righty, pal.
Starting point is 00:25:35 Otherwise, we're gonna have to go to Patreon. That's quite a logo there. Yeah. What logo? Jane Esses. Oh yeah, let's talk about the logo. I'm just moving the show along a lot. I love it because it's beautiful, but what is it?
Starting point is 00:25:50 I don't know, man. We're two freaky babies who are wearing purple with giant purple afros also. But I think they're made of flowers. I think they're like purple roses or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's something crazy going on. It's beautiful. Thank you, Jane.
Starting point is 00:26:06 And the song from Emmett Hall is amazing. Thank you, Emmett. We put a shout out out last week because we need new songs. We got a few submissions from people that were all good. We'll be using those soon. Look at you yawning away. What's the matter with you?
Starting point is 00:26:22 I know, I know. I gotta wake up. I'm the one with the fucking I gotta wake up listeners don't need to hear that they heard the so keep sending in the songs send them to Fitzdog radio at gmail.com they do not have to be amazing or highly produced we just love having a new song every week. Some corrections, John Adair pointed out that the lyric for Blinded by the Light is quote cut loose like a deuce for the Bruce Springsteen version from 1973. Revved up like a deuce was later in the much edited and less of verbose Manfred Mann's Earth Band version from 1976. I'd never liked that version. No,
Starting point is 00:27:08 either do I. It's kind of like the birds when they would do a lot of covers and stuff. I, of Dylan especially, yeah it's, I don't know. Also when you were discussing Hank Williams who died at 29, you mentioned he just missed the 28 club. It's the 27 club. I know. I think I knew it was 27. Which included Hendrix. Also 26 by the way. Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison, Cobain, Brian Jones, Amy Winehouse, Pigpen from The Grateful Dead, Robert Johnson, a bunch of others. So Hank Williams, I guess, is not part of that.
Starting point is 00:27:49 He missed a little older, but boy, was he accomplished. Yeah. Also, Eric said caught the St. Patrick's Day show in 2023. Mike's set had some of the best jokes of the night. Whoa,, what? However, it's Timothy Chalamet, not Chamolais. I think I was saying Chamolais.
Starting point is 00:28:12 Well, we, I don't know if you saw the Golden Globes, we did a thing with that, and it was supposed to include Chalamet also, but where she's like, you know, your name sounds like something Sandler would say like, Timothee, Timothee, Shalimeh. And so kind of going in that and then we asked and Sandler
Starting point is 00:28:29 screamed one out and it was very good. But we're having, huh? Was he prepped to do that? Well, not really. So in addition to watching for Shalimeh's mustache, one thing during the red carpets was, hey, you got to look for Sandler, because we have a funny joke about his tuxedo,
Starting point is 00:28:49 but it has to look ill-fitting, like everything he normally wears. And then we get word back, like I just saw Sandler, his tuxedo looks amazing. And I'm like, the joke works anyway. Basically it was like, thank you Adam, and you look great tonight. I didn't know Foot Locker made tuxedos.
Starting point is 00:29:05 And that works whether it's good or bad, you know, the tuxedo and so when we did that, we just gave him a heads up not knowing what it was, but like hey, are you all right? Like we're not gonna mic you, we're not even telling directors, like we want it to be organic that they find you. But you know know Nikki knows
Starting point is 00:29:25 him so didn't want to bother him if the answer is like no or I'm I have a cold or whatever it is well speaking of comedy I will be in Janesville Wisconsin comedy cabin January 17th and 18th followed by NYAC New York at levity live January 23rd and 24th that's right across the bridge from where I grew up in Tarrytown, about 15 minutes away. A bunch of my Tarrytown friends are coming out. Show is. Raleigh Improv, January 25th and 26th.
Starting point is 00:29:54 Then I'll be in Milwaukee, Fontana, California, Atlanta. Hollywood Improv, St. Patrick's Day show will be March 15th. Then I'll be in Ontario, Toronto, Pittsburgh, Boston. Go to fitsdog.com, get some tickets, come on out, and say hello. And now I have an envelope I can crinkle, is that good? Oh, that's good.
Starting point is 00:30:16 Let's go to the front page, here we go. Extra, extra, we are the thotics, extra. Yeah, yeah. Extra! Extra! We are the thottest! Extra! Yeah, yeah! Karakoli, who has been a bartender for 17 years and was working at the gay bar Sips. What does that mean? So usually a gay bar is called like Ramrod or Rawhide. No, it's Sips.
Starting point is 00:30:43 It's Sips. Sips. What are you talking about? It's the gayest sounding bar in history. It's seps. A concerned and confused mother called. The woman asked is this a gay bar? Can I ask you a question? Are you gay? Coley replied yes ma'am. The woman then revealed why she was calling. What was the one thing you wanted from your parents when you came out? The woman asked. Coley was caught off guard. Never had someone asked such a personal question. Before Coley could answer, the woman continued, my son just came out to me and I don't
Starting point is 00:31:18 want to say anything that may mess him up in the head. And so she said to the mother, you should definitely let him know that you love him and accept him. I think everything will be okay from there. The woman thanked Colie for her insights. And definitely don't let him know you called a stranger in a gay bar to ask for advice. Right. Then the mother hung up. The son came in and blew a guy in the handic hung up. The son came in and blew a guy in the handicap stall.
Starting point is 00:31:47 She's like, listen, my son just came out. You're a gay bartender. What drinks do gay wads like? I'm going to make him a little something for the holidays. What's something that really washes the cum out of your mouth? Is there a particular brand? Tell me something about Sips. Does your bathroom have holes in the bathroom wall
Starting point is 00:32:09 about waist high? Cause mine does now. They're all over the house. They're in our powder room. It's like Sips over here. Sip, Sips. I would have told him, don't accept him. Otherwise his one man show will suck a bag of dicks,
Starting point is 00:32:26 which is actually the title of the play. Bag of dicks. Thip. So you've been gay for how long? Okay, because how are you, but you're a woman. How do I get, we need him back in the pussy. It's just for our church, our community and our family especially. So what advice would you, because you're in a pussy.
Starting point is 00:32:46 So how can I get him back in the pussy? What was that old joke about like rub shit, rub shit on a woman's vagina? If you want to get him back in the pussy., Jesus. No, I hadn't heard that one. Oh, you know what? Ray James, great writer. He told me a funny joke, by the way. It's an old school joke. But did you hear this one about a guy buys a foul-mouthed
Starting point is 00:33:15 parrot? And the owner warns him. I'm going to try to tell the shortest version possible. But warns him. He's like, you know, it's foul. He's like, you know what? I can handle. I can handle a foul mouth parrot.
Starting point is 00:33:26 So he takes the parrot home and he, he takes the cover off the cage in the morning and the parrot goes, fuck. And he's like, we're not having any of that in this house. This is a good Christian house. You're not cursing in this house. Puts the cover back on. You're not seeing daylight till tomorrow.
Starting point is 00:33:44 So the next day takes the cover off and the parrot goes, fuck. So he's like, that's it. Takes the parrot out of the cage. I guess punches it in the face if you whatever it was, but really just draws a line. So he's like, and that's it. And tomorrow you're going in that oven. If you say that word again, I'm going to eat you. And so he puts the cover back on the next day, pulls the cover up. There's silence and they stare at each other. He's like, you got anything to say Parrot? The parrot goes, you know. It's so unusual. I just love it you go there's a somebody wrote in this joke this week
Starting point is 00:34:31 and it was signed no agenda groupie was the person's name but I'd never heard this joke before I'll read it okay an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman died driving home from a holiday party and are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. In honor of this holy season, St. Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven. The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
Starting point is 00:35:00 It's a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates, Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and he said, they're jingle bells. Saint Peter said, you may pass through the pearly gates. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets, finally pulled out a bra and a pair of panties. Saint Peter looked at the man with raised eyebrow and asked, and just what do those symbolize? The Irishman said, they're carols.
Starting point is 00:35:31 There you go. That's a good one. That's a good fucking joke. Yeah. Let's see if we can get something that good in the comedy captions contest later. Also, Joe Biden, congratulations, he's now a great grandfather. His granddaughter Naomi Biden Neal gave birth to her first child, a boy named William. Biden was in LA, saw the baby at the hospital, announced the
Starting point is 00:35:59 birth at the end of an official briefing on wildfires. He said the good news is I'm a great-grandfather as of today. He and the wife visited for 40 minutes and they in the interview they they announced that she was having a caesarean. She had the baby through caesarean which so I uh it sounds like he had a forced evacuation just like everybody else in la that day that poor kid it's desperately trying to crawl back into the womb like no no not here not now the baby was six pounds ten ounces with blue eyes and a hacking cough came out with a mask on because it was born on the west side of LA, first of all, and amid the fires. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:51 Londoners are cold. Oh, you read this. Londoners are cold and mean according to one US family, but for real rudeness, all right, that's the title. So this woman from London was, I guess, commenting on this story that Londoners are cold and mean. So it was this Hendricks family who was a tourist in London came out with that. So she replied, if the Hendricks family really want to check out a city that prides itself on
Starting point is 00:37:25 being rude, they should come to my current hometown of Philadelphia. Hello. Almost a decade ago, a hitchhiking robot called Hitchbot made its way around Canada, the Netherlands, and Germany, all thanks to the kindness of strangers who helped it along. Then Hitchbot got to Philadelphia and was promptly decapitated. That's a true story. I remember that story. Wait a minute.
Starting point is 00:37:55 So a robot was, was anybody with the robot? I think it was always helped by people. I don't know if it had an escort. They probably decapitated the escort, the human escort also. Wow. They're animals. They have to grease the poles in Philly.
Starting point is 00:38:10 Keep that in mind. Maybe it chopped its own head off because his ass hurts so much from coming from Pittsburgh. Yeah, or maybe it couldn't stand the Philly accent so it did cut its own ears off to begin with. Wow. Wow. Yeah. A Colorado man is wanted for allegedly attempting
Starting point is 00:38:30 to hold up a bank in a robbery that quickly went off the rails when the teller couldn't read the note he handed over. Wasn't that in a Woody Allen movie? Was that? Look, it's what I wrote down below. Take the money and run. Take the money and run.
Starting point is 00:38:43 Right, right, right. what I wrote down below. Take the money and run. Take the money and run, right, right, right. He entered the bank in Loveland, Colorado at 5 p.m., went to the teller. She couldn't discern what was written since it was nearly impossible to read. And the man grew frustrated and quickly fled the bank.
Starting point is 00:38:59 The suspect was wearing a brown hoodie, a green baseball cap, and sunglasses. The LPD are still searching for him. His face was not covered during the incident. Now why are they assuming that this is a bank heist? Maybe the note just said, I've been coming here for 11 years. You're always so kind to me. I am shy and don't like attention but wanted to know if you would go out with me sometime. If not, no sweat and I'll go to a different teller next time. The key is, I can't handle attention.
Starting point is 00:39:28 So just don't make a big deal out of this. I think that's probably what it said. Could be. Take the money and run was so funny. You remember the scene? So he goes, please put all the money in the bank. This is a bank robbery. Just do what I say.
Starting point is 00:39:43 I have a gun. So the teller gets it and she's like, I have a gum? He's like, no, no, that's, that's gun with an N. He's like, it says gum. He's like, no, I can assure you it says gun cause I have a gun, I don't have a gum. And he's like, she's like, I have to get my manager, I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:39:59 And the manager comes over and the manager's like, I have a gum? She's like, yes, that's exactly. He's like, no, it doesn't. And he's like looking around. And what you realize, like, please go on YouTube and find that scene. It's pure absurdism.
Starting point is 00:40:11 But also like the straight actors were so good. Yeah. Like the bank manager and the bank teller. You see where Louis CK got so much inspiration from Woody Allen because that's exactly his style. He takes really absurd slapsticky situations and he gets really interesting actors who look weird. They're strange looking people
Starting point is 00:40:37 and he has them play it completely straight. And do you remember the scene in the movie where then he's in jail and they have a jailbreak using a gun that he carved out of a bar of soap and shoe polish and then they get outside and it starts to rain and he's holding it up against the cops and then it all turns into foam in his hand.
Starting point is 00:41:00 If you like, and also just shut up about Woody Allen, but just go back and see, Take the Money and Run was one of his first movies and it's pure comedy. It's a comedy machine. He plays cello in a marching band. It's a documentary, a faux documentary, which is a little ahead of its time, I mean,
Starting point is 00:41:21 but it was early anyway. And his parents are interviewed and they wear macho, uh, uh, Groucho Marx, uh, glasses to disguise themselves. So, because they're so embarrassed to be his parents, the whole thing is so, so funny. No, I showed my kids, I decided, uh, I want, they, they had seen Annie Hall and they really liked it. And I said, all right, he's made 40 movies or something. I said, let's start at the beginning because these slapstick, so we watch Bananas and it is a laugh out loud movie that totally holds up.
Starting point is 00:42:01 Right. Kind of related. Another thing I did this week is I saw a clip on Instagram of Tarantino and he was talking about Sidney Lumet and he was making his I'm forgetting. But anyway, whatever great movie. But he then made the mistake of going to the movie theater that week and he saw the opening credits of Raging Bull. And he's just like, oh, God, like no matter what I do,
Starting point is 00:42:28 there's always going to be Scorsese. But I then went to YouTube and I watched the open. And it's just this gorgeous slow motion, locked off shot with opera playing and De Niro still in the hood before a fight warming up like kind of and it's dancing it's literal dancing dancing in the ring it's so you just like oh my god if it was playing now I'd go to see that on the big screen then I went to Woody Allen's opening of Manhattan with Gershwin, again, black and white, on such a huge scale.
Starting point is 00:43:07 And I mean, it sells, if anyone would be like, wait, why is New York the best city? Or like, hey, we need a campaign to like flex New York and for tourism to show it's, I'm like, it's already been done, nothing can beat it. Just show that clip. Right. It's incredible, but I love the beginning of
Starting point is 00:43:27 the beginning of the Spike Lee movie, Do the Right Thing. Oh, where she's dancing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. That's a fight the power letter to a different part of New York. Absolutely. By the way, how much of your time roughly do you spend going down rabbit holes on the internet? Like in a given day? Well, there's good ones. Sometimes it'll be triggered. Like I did one the other day, although I resisted because we might see it Tuesday night. But you know, we were talking, Malloy pitched us going to go see Breaking Away. Oh, I'm going. You're not going?
Starting point is 00:44:02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really, I mean, I said, grab me a ticket. So, and there's a scene in that with the mom that I didn't get, but something like that would send me down a rabbit hole. But I remember when I was 12, I didn't get the scene. She was like talking about her passport and like, and it was very like she was kind of just sharing with the son. I'm like, I really don't get that. And then a few years later I see the movie.
Starting point is 00:44:24 I'm like, oh, that's one of the greatest character scenes like ever and she was nominated for an Oscar. So two hours a day would you say? No well lately I've been working so my self-esteem is oddly way up and I've done a lot less of that. Okay. But I get something out of it. I learn and I think it is a little better than like, just scrolling with whatever the you know, the algorithms feeding me. Because you're choosing what you want to watch. I kind of jump off to be like, you know, I don't know enough about that. Yeah. So go do that. Let's learn something about entertainment.
Starting point is 00:45:01 Here we go. Oh, hold on I just went off light just went off here we go and we're back we're back a little bright sure lighting a 67 year old California woman who once warned others about the dangers of a Keanu Reeves romance scam has now become a victim herself leading to her becoming homeless after losing thousands. First of all losing thousands shouldn't make you homeless. Catherine Goodson's story began in 2022 when she was initially tricked by an individual posing as Reeves. Goodson explained how she was convinced to send a $500 gift card to the fake Reeves
Starting point is 00:45:48 to prove she wasn't interested in his money. All right, you know what? Get out. Get out of the house. Get out on the street. There's something even more gullible coming up. She realized it was a scam and blocked him. After posting a warning about it,
Starting point is 00:46:03 another profile reached out to Goodson pretending to be Reeves. They claim they were attempted to console her about the previous scam attempt. The woman fell for it and eventually felt the two were in love. He wanted to marry me, Goodson said. She is now homeless, living in her car. She shared her story to raise awareness of these scams. she shared her story to raise awareness of these scams. That's why you should have pursued like the unmarried Menendez brother in jail.
Starting point is 00:46:31 At least you would know it's him. Yeah, right, right. You can pin him down. Unfortunately, I wasn't maybe listening to the warning signs. I don't blame anyone but myself. Well, she ended up sending Bitcoin gift cards and wire transfers to the imposter
Starting point is 00:46:48 over a period of two years, believing she was helping Reeves with supposed financial issues. Yeah, you know, the star of the Matrix movies. He's probably the highest paid actor in Hollywood. He can't give it away. There's legendary stories about how much money he gives away. Yeah, he gives his whole crew like tons of money.
Starting point is 00:47:08 Oh, and charities and everything. And she's sending him gift cards. And by the way, you know she swiped that card before she sent it to him. And I don't mean in a card reader. Oh. On her bits, it's a bits coin. If there is any God, Keanu will reach out to her
Starting point is 00:47:26 and try to help her out, but there's not. So what will happen is another scammer will pose as Keanu and that man is Dennis Govins. Well now Keanu can do whatever he wants. I mean, I'm hoping she doesn't believe the third one, even if it's really him. Listen, it's me. I want to help you out.
Starting point is 00:47:46 Oh, how are you going to help me out? How much do I have to Venmo you this time to help me out? No, no, it's cash in hand. Oh, what do I have to do? Oh my God. That is a fucking movie script right there. Act three is the real Keanu trying to help her. Brooke Shields revealed she experienced a trauma at the hands of a plastic
Starting point is 00:48:14 surgeon while promoting her new book. The pretty baby actress explained that the issue began when her gynecologist suggested a surgical reduction of her labia. Oh, okay. Did we have to hear this about poor Brooke? After years of suffering discomfort and bleeding from chafing. All right. What? I mean, how, how light were you on pages for this book that you dug into this fucking
Starting point is 00:48:45 tale? Her labia is what rubbing against her panties? Is that what's causing the bleeding and chafing? I don't know and maybe they're just dragging on the ground? This is not my story. I don't I'm uncomfortable. All right, of course, it's not covered by insurance because it's considered cosmetic, which is very interesting. She noted, first of all, you don't need insurance or a pussy at this point. The last time I did check, I did not want to be a porn star. Well, don't belittle the porn stars. It's a they didn't make your vagina the size of a fucking T-bone steak. I didn't want to be a porn star. What does that mean?
Starting point is 00:49:32 She agreed and eventually had the procedure done with a male Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. She was shocked during a post-op appointment when he told her he quote threw in a little bonus procedure. Yeah, my penis in Brooke Shields of a gene that's what I threw in vaginal rejuvenation which tightens the muscles she said it's like such an invasion such a bizarre like rape of some kind whoa she said her doctor legitimately proudly explained to me that he you know threw in a little twofer. Nothing pointed toward this need
Starting point is 00:50:11 to be tighter or smaller or firmer or younger especially there she added. Yeah except the echo. Maybe he heard the echo. Oh no. Brooke, Brooke, Brooke, Brooke. I don't know. Maybe when he dropped his forceps and had to go up to his shoulder to grab them out, maybe he said, eh, maybe a little vag rejuvenation here wouldn't be the worst thing. Yeah, just to keep her insides on the inside.
Starting point is 00:50:45 It's like sewing them up. Nothing comes between me and my Calvins except some Botox and super glue. This has revealed too much of Brooke, beloved Brooke. I think I told you years ago, Erin might have been there, but all of a sudden through George, my brother-in in law's brother and his family, uh, Brooke shields wound up in my backyard and Oh no, it wouldn't have been Aaron because it was Laura. And then I'm like looking out my window and now all of a sudden Brooke shields is about to breastfeed. This is a party. You're having a party. You should explain that.
Starting point is 00:51:26 You're like, no shields ended up in my backyard. No, because she just came. She came over with George's, I think George's brother, uh, knew her nanny or something. Oh, it wasn't, it wasn't a party. No. Oh, so it was like Filipino something anyway, but Brooke Shields knew Jordan's brother. That's what it came down to showed up, walked through the door. And then her vagina came through a couple
Starting point is 00:51:54 seconds later. And she said hello. Right. And so she's in the backyard and was like, also I could see she's got breast breastfeeding. So I closed the curtains too much so there was a crack on the side. Did she close her curtains? And I looked through and then my sister then made the move to breastfeed, I'm like, this is disgusting. So I tried to block that out and I was unsuccessful.
Starting point is 00:52:21 But anyway, Brooke Shields was in my backyard breastfeeding. Wow. This was 20 years ago, no anyway, Brooke Shields was in my backyard breastfeeding. Wow. This was 20 years ago. No, more, 25 years ago. Did you have to mop the floor up when she left? I know, we're like, well, that snail problem is back. We gotta get the little, you put out little cups of beer and that gets them.
Starting point is 00:52:40 Oh my God. Yeah. When would we admit that in a fucking book? People are crazy. Jesus. Are we making America Florida? Wait, I want to do this one quick joke. Oh. Madonna sparked engagement rumors with her boyfriend, Akeem Morris, as she shared a number of photos with him while rocking a diamond ring on her left finger. Speaking of loose lips,
Starting point is 00:53:06 not only is she starting rumors, but her drags also. She's just trying to get photographers something to take pictures of instead of her face. First of all, imagine how intimidating it would be to buy Madonna a wedding ring. Yeah, I guess. Buying her a wedding ring is like. Sean Penn already did it. It's like buying a ticket to Joker 2. You're gonna see too much makeup and then you're gonna leave early.
Starting point is 00:53:36 That's my joke. That's a solid one. That was worth doing, man. Now let's make America Florida. Here we go. was worth doing man now let's get to Florida here we go all right what is this this so you put this one in about the devil we can skip it and go let's go to the next one well this one was sent in by a listener and it's this is the thing people the hardest part of finding a Florida man or Florida person story is there's
Starting point is 00:54:11 some of them are very disturbing a lot involved kids. That's all I'll say and then a lot involved like gruesome stuff. Anyway, to my point, I guess this person sent in Florida Florida police Sorry, Florida pizza delivery woman stabbed a pregnant customer 14 times over bad tip The woman who ordered the Marcos pizza had tipped two dollars She discovered she was pregnant while she was being treated for stab wounds at the hospital. So anyway, I had no jokes on that, but it's brutal. Well, I think they call that the Florida abortion.
Starting point is 00:55:00 You just order a pizza, tip lightly, and wait for the abortion to start. I think that's a thing that's gonna happen there now that they're getting, they're changing, they're making it so hard. It's like prison wine. It's the Florida abortion. Maybe you have to order a pizza from like Georgia or out of state and they come over the border
Starting point is 00:55:20 and they stab you in your stomach. Right. And it only costs two dollars. Now it's a woman's right to choose to have pizza. Yeah. Let's go to... Let's go down. Let's go down to...
Starting point is 00:55:37 Good Lord. All right, here's one. International. International, hold on. Crinkle time. Yeah. What's this story? Young a young boy. Oh, wait. OK, Mexico's president, Claudia Scheinbaum, what Claudia Scheinbaum is the president of Mexico?
Starting point is 00:56:06 I didn't know that either. She clapped back at president-elect Trump on Wednesday and said parts of the US should be called America Mexicana in response to Trump's proposal to rename the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. This reminds me of that. Remember during 9-11, didn't we call them freedom fries or something for some reason?
Starting point is 00:56:28 We were mad at France. We, because in 9-11, we were angry at France and in the congressional cafeteria, people literally wasted America's time by drawing up paper, I don't know. I guess it's a bill to change the name of French fries to freedom fries. I mean, the level of idiocy. So anyway, they he wants to rename the Gulf of Mexico
Starting point is 00:57:02 to the Gulf of America. I love it. So he's going to change Mexico to Mexico like it's a company. He'll demand that. I'll force them to do that. So you were going to take Greenland, the Gulf of Mexico, Canada. This is all in the last 10 days. We are suddenly like taking part.
Starting point is 00:57:29 This does not seem fair. I think it should be, at least make it a trade. We should give them Mississippi, Dayton, Ohio, and New Jersey. Yeah. And you're gonna throw in Philly, of course. Philly, please take it. It's just free.
Starting point is 00:57:46 It's a freebie. It's like a little sampler. The he also, I met he's probably like, you know what? South America, you're just south now. You can't use our name. Same with you, Central. Same with you, Latin. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:58:01 America, you no longer can use that. I mean, I kind of went down the rabbit hole a little bit about this Greenland thing because my I was in Denmark for like a month when I was 18 and it was explained you know people are always like well in Denmark they have socialized medicine for in Denmark you get paternity leave for you know two and two and a half years. And it's like it was always explained to me. It's because Greenland is a fucking oil rig. It's just a giant oil producing piece of land and offshore off of Greenland.
Starting point is 00:58:36 And so that's where Denmark gets all its money from. So but what's weird is they. Don't own it. It's like, it's its own country and it just kind of has a deal with Denmark. And so the idea that another country could come in and make an offer of a better deal is actually plausible on some level.
Starting point is 00:59:04 All right Anyway, let's buy it up. Let's buy it up a young boy survives five days in lion infested game park in Zimbabwe He was missing from his rural village For five days. They did not identify him by name, but he was seven years old and the they found human footprints and discovered him in the Matsudana National Park and they don't say his name but I think it's safe to say kid needs to put on some weight the Lions were like not worth the effort. Meanwhile, some Italian kid falls into a cage
Starting point is 00:59:48 in the Bronx Zoo. He's got about 11 seconds left to live. So- You barely survived in safari over there. That's right. I had a fucking asthma attack. Did I tell you about my asthma attack? Yes, you did.
Starting point is 01:00:00 When? You walked us through that. We podcast this week from, you did it from South Africa. Oh, right, right. I told you about my asthma attack. But this is the thing, like you can never, I mean, it's not just about lions. Like listen, Neverland Ranch didn't have lions, but no young boy really survived there. That's true.
Starting point is 01:00:23 You know? Yep. I think this kid's gonna have better memories of the game park than the Michael Jackson, than Macaulay Culkin had. I don't know if he had a zoo. He obviously had his monkey. He had his chimpanzee I should say. Oh no he had a bunch of zoo animals. Zebra right? Didn't he have stuff? He had eye candy. He had some eye candy. Some lures. All right, let's move on.
Starting point is 01:00:48 Let's go down to. To this day in history. Yeah. You got it, here we go. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] All right, Greg made me look these up in advance. And. Well, because I was getting,
Starting point is 01:01:04 see you don't read the hundreds of emails that I go through every week. There's not hundreds. Here we go, you ready? People say that you take too long to come up with a date, so. Well, because I'm making them up on the fly. The groundbreaking television series,
Starting point is 01:01:18 all in the family, debuted on CBS in what year? Oh, I guess it was a mid season replacement. I know they did two pilots, two different ones with different casting for Mike and glory, I believe. But when did the all in the family that we know with meathead air for the first time, give or take one year. I have this gut, I don't know why, but I think it's 1975.
Starting point is 01:01:55 Oh my goodness, I was even going to give you two years. 1971. No. And boy did they come out of the gates swinging. The first one I think was about draft dodging, I think like abortion was soon, it was crazy. You know what's crazy about that, and I think I've mentioned this on the gates swinging. The first one I think was about draft dodging. I think like abortion was soon. It was crazy. You know what's crazy about that? I think I've mentioned this on the show before. All right. Nineteen seventy one. It comes out on CBS, then known as the Tiffany Network, the family network. It comes out at eight o'clock on Saturday night and and no warnings, no fucking, there's the content. Now it airs on cable at midnight with warnings
Starting point is 01:02:31 and edited down. Yep, makes sense. Yeah. All right, another New York story like all in the family. Quarterback great Joe Namath, having guaranteed victory, led the New York Jets to a 16-7 win over the favored Baltimore Colts in Superbowl three. This is the last time the Jets even made it to a Superbowl. I think you know, I'm going to say give or take zero years what
Starting point is 01:03:07 year did this happen? 1969. You got it pal. Yeah. Okay here we go. Same kind of one. These are all right in a row. It was easy today. The live-action TV series Batman premiered on ABC. A huge hit. It starred Adam West as the Cape Crusader and Burt Ward as Robin. Give or take three years, which is a seven year window, when did this, when did Batman premiere on ABC? I know that Adam West was a famous pussy hound. Apparently, crazy stories about how many women he slept with.
Starting point is 01:03:47 Yes, I know, yeah, it really is. So I'm guessing that was in the 60s. So I'm gonna say 1963. Oh, and I said give or take three years. Yeah. 1966. Hey now. I mean, you should not be proud of that.
Starting point is 01:04:08 At all. But did we talk about it on this show? But I remember talking about Adam West. And like, literally dozens of women every week he slept with it an article. Yeah, sometimes there was like, like a line also he and Gorshin I think who played the Riddler they went to an orgy in I think it might have been in New York and were kicked out of the orgy I'm not sure I don't know any of the details I forgot've forgotten the details other than that. But they got around, they got around. All right, moving on.
Starting point is 01:04:48 All right, so I'm two for three. No, we're done, I thought that was nice and tight. All right, well then I was two for three. I didn't say it had to continue, I'm telling you what my score is. I mean, unless you want to guess what year Howard Stern was born. Howard Stern, right now I'm guessing is 70.
Starting point is 01:05:09 It's his birthday, January 12th. I mean, it's 19th. He's 70 then 70 years ago was see this is where I get fucked up because I can't subtract 70 from 25 1940 You hear it 1954 you had it right you had his age, right? Which is sad, I just can't add all right letters to the editor. All right, here we go, letters to the editor.
Starting point is 01:05:47 Yes. Kelly Holmes said, did you piss off Spotify? I listen to Sunday Papers every week, and it was my number two listen to podcast for the year, but every week I have to go and search for it. Spotify doesn't put it on my podcast homepage. When you drop a new episode like it does with every other podcast that I don't listen to as often,
Starting point is 01:06:07 probably all that rape you two love to talk. Well, now she just kicked us off the old river. Whoa, Kelly, Kelly. Thanks, Kelly. Thanks, Kelly Holmes. Yeah, I don't know. Dirty mouth. Our show gets no promotion.
Starting point is 01:06:18 I don't know what it is. I think it's, I honestly think this is maybe the best podcast out there. And, you know. Someone should tell me, I think it's I honestly think this is maybe the best podcast out there and You know someone should tell me I'd try harder if I knew it was the best podcast out there David said I listened to Fitz dog and Sunday papers you have elaborated on how you started writing for shows I think the audience would like to know how Mike got his start. He's done some wild shit recently Therefore he should explain himself as much as he can." And he said, please keep it to 30 seconds. Oh, how I got my start? Yeah. You, really? You, Greg Fitzsimmons, would introduce me.
Starting point is 01:07:03 I was 30 seconds. So basically I went in PR. Now I said the 30 seconds, but now that I know that it's about me, you could take as long as you want. All right, it won't be long. I didn't know you could make money like in entertainment writing.
Starting point is 01:07:15 I just, and it sounds stupid to say that, but there was no one in my family or family's friends or anything. So that wasn't a thing. So, and I had a dad who was like overly sensible, but overly, I mean, it's like you're going to law school or getting your MBA and I'll help you with that. So I got into PR and then I was miserable. And then I ran into a friend who's actually staying in my place right now, Chris Weinstein, who was this hotshot editor
Starting point is 01:07:41 at Broadway video for MTV. I ran into him at a concert and I go, what do you do? He's like, oh, I'm an editor. And I pictured a guy like literally splicing tape. I was so naive. And he was, what do you do? I'm like, nothing. And he's like, well, if you want to come down and see. So I went down, I was blown away.
Starting point is 01:07:56 He's like, do you want a job at MTV? And I said, yes. And I took a massive pay cut and I became a PA at MTV networks. And then I started right in the promos department and then I started writing promos but Greg came into it because HBO heard I could kind of write some funny things so they hired me but I was way in over my head but what I did have was Greg would call up Ray Romano and Dave Attell and anyone that was also doing business with HBO. And he would say, you can trust this guy. And I would get these shortcuts even with David Cross from Mr. Show.
Starting point is 01:08:36 And I would get these shortcuts because I'm insecure. They're insecure. Usually to do a stupid, you know, awkward, anxious dance for a few days, cause they think you're going to ruin their image and that would all be shortcut and I would get the best work out of these guys. And I did very well there. And then I wanted to be on the show side of things and that's, that's how it happened.
Starting point is 01:08:58 I love it. I love it. Then you went to Kilbourne where you started as, didn't you start as an editor there? No, a Purdue, a comedy producer. I didn't get in the writer's room right away, but I just kept writing. And you worked your way into the writer's room and you worked your way up to head writer. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:09:14 And then you ended up head writing on some Comedy Central shows. Yeah, well I went to Ellen and joined you after Kilbourne. Oh, I thought you did my, didn't you do Mencia before that? No, all of that. Ellen was the first job after that. And you know, listen, a lot of it to answer the question is you got to get lucky big time, but you can increase your chances of getting lucky by constantly putting it out there, whether it is you going out to clubs, meeting,
Starting point is 01:09:46 you never know who you're going to meet or just you keep writing and you increase your chance of getting lucky. And then I got lucky this way. I happen to be good at writing five questions, but I also would be busy and not be able to write a lot of jokes on the topical stuff. So then I had like this half hour every day and I wrote a lot of five questions and it turns out that was Kilbourne's favorite thing. That was a segment he brought from The Daily Show into Late Night on CBS. They allowed him to take that away with him. And so he and I wish I could say that's how smart I
Starting point is 01:10:23 was. I identified what my host liked the most and I wrote that I just happened to get lucky and and so I got a lot of five questions and that's how I became a writer on Kilbourne I love it Frank says so about that insurance company going bankrupt from a disaster prediction. You're about to be one one zero over Gibby. Yeah, you're right. I mean, the insurance companies, you know, my stepbrother burned down our house, as you know, and that was in 1995, I think, or six. And he burned down, probably four, and he burned down our house, and he burned on us and the insurance guy came
Starting point is 01:11:06 It was a massive three stories. I mean a massive fire three stories right to the ground We didn't even find the tiles from one of the bathrooms I don't even know I don't know I didn't know you could have a flame that hot and The guy wrote a check on the hood of the car Literally wrote a check for 50 grand saying, this goes towards what we're going to pay you for this house. Get out, get your family in a hotel and it's a total loss. And then Jim Adrian, my roommate at the time, but who was also an attorney told us, you know, you're going to have to sue them. And my dad was like, Jim, you know what?
Starting point is 01:11:38 You're so jaded. Cause Jim would represent mobile and Exxon when they would dump oil in the Hudson river. Like he was on a big wall Street firm. He's like, you're so jaded. He's like, this is mom and pop up here. And the guy already said it was a total loss and cut me a check. He's like, you'll see. Well, we had to sue them. They do not like paying. Yeah, I think the CEO who's just gone down in Midtown was a reminder. It doesn't matter what insurance it is They do not like giving you your money back No, they don't and I just did I tell you how that I had an accident with the van We rented in South Africa. Oh, no, I hit the a pillar in an underground parking garage and I think you did tell me this last
Starting point is 01:12:22 Week. Yes. Yeah yeah I crushed the side door so we turned it in and we had paid full coverage on the van and I turned it in and of course they're saying it's not covered right yeah so now I got a fucking call South Africa eight times in the next week and try to straighten that out Steve Smiley says I love you guys guys, listen to From the Start, never miss an episode. However, if you don't get someone to correct these damn levels with Mike mumbling into the mic and Greg screaming into the mic, I can't take it. I think it's part of our charm.
Starting point is 01:13:00 Yes, absolutely. Yeah, Steve, come on, we love you too. And my mic, people might complain this week. I'm looking at the levels. I have good mic technique. That's all I can tell you this week. It's the new me. It's 2025 mic technique mic.
Starting point is 01:13:17 Here's my thing. See this clip at the bottom that you don't have? When you get that, you stick it on your chest, and it puts the mic right in front of your mouth without having to strain your arm the whole time. at the bottom that you don't have. When you get that, you stick it on your chest and it puts the mic right in front of your mouth without having to strain your arm the whole time. Sizzle chest. All right, the obituary.
Starting point is 01:13:33 Let's do it. Ready? Obituary. Who died? Anita, whatever her name is. Oh, Anita Bryant, fuck her. Right, exactly. So I didn't do that. You know what I did?
Starting point is 01:13:44 I did a little obituary to the Pacific Palisades. For those of you that don't know, it's a neighborhood in the western region of Los Angeles, about 20 miles west of downtown. It was formally founded in 1921. The palisades would later be sought after by celebrities and other high profile individuals seeking privacy. It's known for its seclusion being a close-knit community with a small town feel, a Mediterranean
Starting point is 01:14:12 climate, hilly, we know that all too well now, hilly topography, natural environment, yes again, we know that too well now, and an abundance of parkland and hiking trails, a three mile strip of coastline and for being home to several architecturally significant homes. Who knows if those survived as of 2022? The community's population was twenty three thousand one hundred and twenty one. Yeah. So the palisades. This is not an overstatement, is gone. And I don't know what, I don't even know what happens. I don't know how it comes back.
Starting point is 01:14:57 I mean there's a lot of devastation and there's a lot of people that are left homeless and obviously about five people died, which I think it was because people saw the fire coming and luckily the roadways were open enough that people could get out. I think most of those deaths are over in towards Pasadena, the Marotadena. Maybe there were two, I don't know, but surprisingly low number. I will say this, sadly, whenever these things happen and we hear about them, whether it's flooding or whatever. I think, you know, listen, richer neighborhoods, I think they also heed the warning.
Starting point is 01:15:32 They have so many more options. They have so many places, more places to go than less fortunate socioeconomic people. And so I think that's one of the reasons for these low numbers, but they also Did have a little notice. I mean, I remember I think maybe you and I even commented on it But there was that high wind advisory days ahead days in advance where they said this is gonna lead to fires Yeah, yeah well on a sad note,
Starting point is 01:16:06 my favorite park in California is Will Rogers State Park, right in the middle of the Palisades, and we used to go there a lot. They have the great hiking trails, but the highlight of it is there's this house that was built in like 1900 in Will Rogers State Park and it was where he lived and it was this amazing estate because you know in a state it was not ostentatious it was a two-story ranch style house it had just like you know custom-made wood and and it had a big porch
Starting point is 01:16:41 and it was on the park and it had horse stables, but it was just so kind of, I don't know, it made me feel nostalgic and Will Rogers was just amazing. Yeah, he was like one of the first stand-up, you could call him the first stand-up comedian in some ways, you know? And that burned to the ground, that whole thing is gone. Unbelievable, yeah, that's gone.
Starting point is 01:17:03 All right, time to cheer up. Here we go. Cheer up. We're cheering up at the Funnies. Let's do it. All right. Last week, as you know, we do the Comedy Captions Contest every week. We put out a one frame comic and it has no caption and we ask you, the listeners, the viewers, to send us in your jokes and we print the very best and then of those very best, we pick the very, very best and that person wins a koozie. I know, that doesn't end strong. I know and I'm gonna get some out.
Starting point is 01:17:40 I brought them here to Smashville. I'm gonna mail some out. So if you get picked, we will send you a koozie for free. This week's caption is, it's a cow with a shotgun under his arm, or I guess her arm. Now I guess, is it a, there's no horns, so it is a cow. Walking into a place that says burger place
Starting point is 01:18:06 and there's people sitting at a counter there's a bunch of cooks cooking burgers and the cow is looking back at the camera and this was done by Jason Love by the way thank you for the artwork yes and Ron D's joke was Elsie saw the security camera and hoofed it out of there. That's nice for like middle schoolers, Ron. Dylan Brow said, falling down is the only movie I've ever seen, so. Wow, this cow really sees some esoteric films, Dylan. Do you get that reference?
Starting point is 01:18:42 Not really. I think, right, doesn't Michael Douglas snap and maybe go in old place with a gun. Okay. Matt Rayhurst said, now we'll see who has a beef with me. I like that. I like Matt's. And then Laney said, and you thought one and you thought 1.2 billion Hindus were crazy. And you thought 1.2 billion Hindus were crazy? And that's because they don't kill them, I guess, right? Yep. Got it.
Starting point is 01:19:12 All right. So this week, I'm not going to lie to you, we did not get a ton of submissions this week. I don't know if this did not lend itself. It was the holidays. It was the holidays. So anyway, you like whose? I like Matt's. All right, Matt Rare, congratulations.
Starting point is 01:19:30 Your beer will be cold this winter with the new Sunday Papers Cousy, which, by the way, if you don't win the contest, you can still buy them. If you go to FitzDogg.com, you basically just Venmo us the money with your address in the Venmo caption and we send it off ten dollars no shipping all in ten bucks all in delivered right to your door at some point next week's caption is we're clearly in an outdoor area it looks like there's a waterfall with bears. Now we have one bear,
Starting point is 01:20:07 he's standing up in front of a tree, he's got a brown paper bag in his hand, and there is a man standing there pulling money out of his wallet. The bear has his hand, one hand is out, the other one is holding the brown bag. So there's a couple of ways to interpret this. I'd so there's an exchange going on there's an exchange happening and we don't know what the exchange is that's up to you guys man has a wallet out taking out cash the bear has a brown bag in his hand and something transactional is going on between them. Send those in to FittsDogRadio at gmail.com. Please put your name underneath your submission. You could say it's a bear market. What's happening there? There you
Starting point is 01:20:54 go. Save it for next week. That wouldn't win, but you could say that. Alright, let's get to the rapist. Haggar the Horrible is looking at his daughter. Him and his wife are looking at their daughter and they look aghast as she puts lipstick on and she says, I've used up four kiss-proof lipsticks. And then in the next frame, Haggar in the way for smiling and she goes, relax, I still don't know if it works. And Haggar's like, maybe you should throw on a pair of those rape proof panties.
Starting point is 01:21:29 Oh, is this his daughter? Yeah. Oh, boy. You went too far with Haggar. Well, you got to remember the context of this comic strip. You got to understand what's going on at this time. I don't even get this cartoon but I'm a little tired. Well there's a thing called kiss proof lipstick which means it doesn't wear off when you kiss wearing it and she's talking about how she's been putting a bunch on and she's saying and they're upset that she's kissing a lot of guys and she goes
Starting point is 01:22:03 relax I still don't know if it works in other words she's saying, and they're upset that she's kissing a lot of guys and she goes, relax. I still don't know if it works. In other words, she's not kissing guys. And then my joke was, he says you should put on some rape proof. I got you. All right. Now kiss proof lipsticks was like, yeah, no one can kiss you when you have this lipstick on cause it smells like feces. That's yeah, that's another way to go. All right. All right. Let's cheer up with Leroy and Loretta. She's looking at the laptop he's laying on the couch and she
Starting point is 01:22:30 goes, I completed the online health assessment for you. According to this you're deceased. Did I get that? All right. You heard my on. Yep. Now they're sitting at the dinner table and she looks at their eating. She looks at Leroy and she goes, what do you mean you can't eat another bite? You just sat down. I like that one. All right, let's go into a blind read of Dilbert. All right, this is number nine. It's we're counting up to ten. I can't, we cannot tell if we're like going backwards or the right way to the best one. It's impossible to tell.
Starting point is 01:23:09 There's three panels. The first one, Dilbert, is pulling up a chair at a table. He goes, who called this meeting? And a guy in a green shirt in the middle goes, we thought you did. And then there's some woman just sitting there. So that's panel one. Panel two, the guy in the green goes, I think we should discuss issues and assign tasks
Starting point is 01:23:28 so it's not a complete waste of time. That's a good thought. Dilbert just stares at him. Third frame, Dilbert goes, maybe meetings have become a life form capable of calling themselves and thus reproducing via human hosts. And the guy in the green goes, good issue. And the woman in red says exactly what's on my mind right now, which is the word. Wow. Wow. That's what she says.
Starting point is 01:24:00 That's what I say. Wow. Wow. Well, yeah, it's Dilbert is looking at the office world from the outside. You know, he's, um, they're still trying to figure out meetings in this world. They, uh, they're very bored with the everydayness, the blandness of offices. Jesus. Yes. All right. Let's take it up a notch. every dayness, the blandness of offices. Jesus.
Starting point is 01:24:26 Yes. All right, let's take it up a notch. That's all there is to say about it, really. Blondie is in bed. She has on a taupe is the color. It's a frilly laced negligee with a little ribbon holding the two tits together. It's frilly, it's hanging off her left shoulder
Starting point is 01:24:45 and Dagwood of course is wearing a pair of pajamas with donuts on them. What's wrong with this picture? And then he goes I'm sorry about our disagreement honey let's just kiss it away and call it a night and then she goes that would be nice dear. Second frame they kiss. Third frame they're back to back and he says did it work? She goes not even close dear. Wow. Not even close. Yeah they're pretty far apart in that last frame. I mean first of all kissing never works in this bedroom. It never leads to anything that's for sure sure. No, no. I mean, did it? Did it work? No, you know what works? That negligee
Starting point is 01:25:31 wrapped around her head as you pump furiously into the golden locks that are muffed between those two thighs. Seriously, okay, what works? That'll work. Did that work? I don't know. I can't walk. Did it work? I don't know. I've got bruises on my ass cheeks. It was like Haggard rolled through here. All right, listen, if you enjoy the show, support our sponsors. Oh, wait, we don't have any. We don't have any.
Starting point is 01:26:07 I go buy a shirt. Go buy some merch for God sakes. But we will be back next week with an all new episode of Sunday Papers. We want to thank, of course, Midcoast Media for doing a great job with the editing and the producing and all of that stuff. And good luck to everybody in Los Angeles that's dealing with the fire, the displacement, the homelessness, the people are having asthma attacks, and our thoughts are with the firefighters and police that are assisting people. And let's just hope this thing winds down soon.
Starting point is 01:26:50 Crazy man. Yeah, I, as we said at the top, I flew out when it started, I was literally flying out. And so I'm like everybody else reading these reports, I And so I'm like everybody else reading these reports. I don't really know what zero containment means. It seems like it's far more contained when they say it's still zero. So I don't know what that means, but God, I hope they do contain them. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:27:18 All right. All right everybody. Take it each. Take it each. All right. Read all about it. The podcast begins with Graffit Simmonds and Michael Gibbons. It's the Sunday Vapors Podcast.
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