Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 249 1/26/25

Episode Date: January 26, 2025

News on the JFK assassination? Danger ahead for Fauci? Will you pay a fine for pleasuring yourself in Mississippi? We pull back the curtain on all of it!Watch Greg’s new special, “You Know Me��� and subscribe on YouTube!Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest”Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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And I think you're about to scream. Read all about it. Yes. I can't scream because I'm in a hotel room lobby. You're not in a room, man. I'm in a, I am in, what the in what the fuck city I'm in Raleigh North Carolina I got here. Let's slow it down let's slow down all our momentum talk about your hotel. All right so I'm in my hotel and the Wi-Fi is not working so I

call the lady at the front desk who's a low talker and the person in front of me kept saying to her say that again excuse me and then I get up there and I have hearty I'm hard of hearing so it takes it takes me five times asking her what to say but turns out she's absolutely lovely she she did you slow talk for her were Were you like, listen, I ordered a room with porn and you gave me one that doesn't have it. There's no lotion in the room. There actually isn't.

There's no lotion in the fucking room. That's the new thing the hotels are doing. They're putting the shampoo and the shower gel and the conditioner on the wall in the shower. Great, all for that. I've always thought that was a good idea. But then they stopped putting fucking lotion out on the sink and only three hand towels. I can't get through a weekend with only three hand towels.

I was getting graphic. Hey, I have a question for you. Do you find like with that moisturizer and everything that there's a stinging also little bit I like it oh geez okay I think it's probably you know one of those hydro lonic acids or whatever that helps moisturize I don't know what's going on I'm I don't like it all I know is I when I come off the road I have the softest shaft skin that you can imagine. All right, all right.

You could have just said softest skin. Anyway, I kept it very vague. I don't know if you noticed that effort. So the low talker, first of all I go... Oh low, I thought it was slow. No, low talker. So I go into the gym just to check it out because I'm gonna work out later and it's about 105 degrees. So I went over and I said excuse me can you have them turn down the heat in the gym and then I'm in the room and the Wi-Fi is not working and so she brings me down the hall to a conference room that I'm in right now look at this I'm in a fucking conference room.

And then she removed all the moisturizer and tissues. Can you imagine what the porn looks like on this big screen TV in the conference room? You look like a boss, man. You're at the head of the table with your with your imaginary board of directors. This might be the only time I'm at the head of a, no, sometimes when you pitch, you ever pitch a TV show and you go into the big conference room and you're only pitching

to like one person and they sit like halfway down the table? Oh yeah. Ugh, I miss the old days. I wonder if it's like this with outside of our industry, but I mean, Zooms, I mean, unless there's some reason to be really in the room, the Zoom pitches and meetings, I mean, I'm not driving to Disney and Burbank and and also all meetings have become so much more punctual. Like, if you're if you're not clicking into a Zoom on the minute of like 1220, then you're late.

Yeah, but don't you find that you're able to sell easier when you're in the room and you can charm them a little bit and make them laugh? That's the line I have to walk because I am good in the room and I remember UTA telling me that. They're like, no, no, no, we want you in the room for this one. But sometimes they'd say like, this is a low probability. I think they're taking it, you know, cause they're doing their due diligence.

I don't think they're in a place to buy it. So let's do that one zoom. And I did like that thinking a lot. So I'm in Raleigh, I got here today. I was in, I was in LA for the fires, left and went to Wisconsin for last weekend and it was three degrees below zero at the Comedy Cabin and then I flew to New York on Sunday, got to LaGuardia after a three hour delay leaving Chicago, which is where I flew out of,

we got to LaGuardia, they shut the airport right underneath us. And so we circled for like an hour. And this motherfucking pilot, he kept going over Manhattan, like to show us Manhattan, but he was going about 50 yards above the top of the Empire State Building.

And I started to have such trauma, I honestly thought we'd been hijacked and this guy was gonna put the fucking plane in the side of a building. It was so scary. It was crazy. That sounds more like a helicopter. So then we go off to Boston.

They're like, we're gonna have to go to Boston. So we had to sleep in Boston that night in some shit hotel, come back to the airport, two and a half hour delay to get to New York, and then I get there and it's colder than Wisconsin. It was insane. Yeah, I had you beat. We're gonna talk about the snow.

I mean, the footage of people playing jazz on Bourbon Street in the snow is a, that's something like in a futuristic movie or some weird movie like where all the animals have just gotten out of the zoo and are running around the city and then there and then also on Bourbon Street they're playing jazz in the snow it's like what is happening Wow I had to beat though this is this is not not factoring in windchill. This is a This is the car I was in Wyoming and can you read the temperature

negative 20 negative 20 and that's on a street that's not even windchill. Yeah Yeah You didn't ski in that temperature. I didn't I have before I told you that time right like I remember that yeah Yeah, like it was a crazy light jacket, but it was Gore-tex and then I had layers under it, but it kept me warm Anyway, I know it was if there was snow good enough snow I would have but they really haven't had snow in three weeks I think it's it was supposed to then snow now Do you know we're getting snow here in LA tonight?

LA Los Angeles the low mountains might be getting over six inches of snow And of course they're talking about Flooding what do they call it? Oh in the scar I think they're calling them like scar zones or something and it's like if you're getting this rain because it's obviously rain everywhere below Like 4,000 feet or something and they're like if you're in a scar, it's I think it's a zone You beware of the mudslides Perfect also all the toxicity that everyone here is talking about right? It's it's it's it's actually now boring how much people are talking about.

So many people in LA wearing masks, and now all that toxic ash, all the burned up batteries, whatever the biggest culprits are. Asbestos. Asbestos, lead, all of it, it is gonna rain. The Palisades is, as people everywhere now know, a hill. It's the foothills that lead to really significant like Santa Monica Mountains And it is gonna rain and all that rain goes into the sewers and the sewers in all of Los Angeles are unfiltered

They go right into the ocean So this should be interesting Surfer won't stop the surfers. They'll still go out Interesting. Surfers won't stop the surfers, they'll still go out. Yeah, well, I mean, the saying used to be like, it's great surf if you have health insurance because right after rains, all that, well, it used to just be the animal feces

you were worried about. We've added human feces to that. Yeah, oh God. Because if they go in the street, it goes in the ocean. Ugh. Fun times in LA. Fun times, can't wait to get back. So. So yes I was in went to my sister's well did I did Bobby Kelly's podcast I did I love that guy I don't know him I love him though he's so fucking funny and we went in and I go into his little studio

and I walk in and then he farts and it was so intense that I honestly was so nauseous that I had water rushing into my mouth you know when you're about to vomit and the water rushes in sounds like you got hungry and then he did it again during the process I said look if you're gonna fart again you need to leave the student not just leave the studio I want you in the hallway and pull your pants down around your ankles so that you're not trapping the fart in your underwear and your pants. And so we went outside and he dropped trial and he came back in. I go, did you take your pants down?

He goes, yeah. He goes, the hard part was taking the tights down. I go, what do you mean tights? He goes, you know, like thermal underwear. I go, who the fuck calls them tights? What are you a ballerina? you mean tights? He goes, you know, like thermal underwear. I go, who the fuck calls them tights? What are you, a ballerina? You said tights? Yeah, I got my fireman tights on, you know.

That's what they call it in the firehouse, I'm sure. Oh my God, so yeah, and then I went up and I did some shows in Nyack, New York. Went to my friend Kyle. My friend Kyle, did I tell you this, that he won Supreme Court justice in New York? Yes, you did. Wait, I want to interrupt you blatantly right now, just for one reason. I want to tease that in a couple of minutes, we're going to have Tom O'Neill on to talk

about Trump releasing the JFK documents. Tom O'Neill, author of of Chaos which if you haven't read it run don't walk to your Amazon and order it right now. Yeah we'll talk more about it when he comes on but he tried to see all of them for years try to get special exceptions was in the archives he predicted last time Trump released them that he wouldn't release all of them he turned out to be right. Anyway, I saw you that he just texted. But all right, back though to uh, that's why I go to Kyle's Kyle's party. I'm a judge, his Supreme Court justice appointment. And, uh, and it was all these guys that I grew up with in Tarrantown over the years, like,

you know, Johnny Trouble was there and, uh, Georgie Spags. And they, and they were just like, not the kid, like when we were young, they were all fucking crazy, you know? And now I'm talking to George Spags and he's like, yeah, you know, I have a really good pension fund. I was at one company and I got a pension there and then I made partner and it's just like, dude, shut up, get a tall boy,

punch Brian Van Horn in the face like the old days. You should be in jail. You should be, What is this? But it was a good party. And then I had about 50 people come to one of my shows, like 50 of my friends and family. My cousins came from like, one was up from Virginia. Some of them came from Long Island

and took like connecting trains. One rented a car from Jersey. And it was really nice really nice and we all came out we had dinner before the show and then and then I went up and bombed no no no I do well oh good would have been really embarrassing to bomb yeah I know impressive impressive a lot of guys those derelicts really turned it around. Yep, I know. Oh, and a guy who's friends with Joe Tinetti was there. Come on. Yeah.

How do we know this? You know him, but I can't remember his name, but he's good friends with Joe Tinetti because he came up after the show and introduced himself. Wait, what city is this in? West Nyack, New York in Rockland County. Huh. Anyway.

Not Shemkin? Wasn't Shemkin. No, I remember Shemkin. Yeah. By the way, speaking of the fires, I forgot to mention last week I announced that I was going to give out my son's best friend his house burned down and it was three generations of family living there and they were what you'd call a house they had house money but that was it and now the house is gone and so there's a go fund me and I wanted to I want to ask you guys if

you have it in your heart and you want to help a family that is literally homeless right now, to at least get some rent money together, go to the Sal's Men's Recover Their Lives on GoFundMe. S-A-L-Z-M-A-N. Sal's Men's Recover Their Lives on GoFundMe. I think they've raised like 60 grand they're looking for 70 whatever whatever you can spare it would be much appreciated. Alright that's it and I'm gonna link it on my site. There'll be a link on my site to it. The logo this week comes from Leith Nabilci. Beautiful thank you very much love it Kelly Khan did a very nice acapella song for us this week again is what we say like she happens to have an

incredible voice but we don't need a full orchestra you play the guitar great you play the drums sing a song with the drums behind. We don't give a shit, just have fun. So make a song, send it in to fitzdogradio at gmail.com. Corrections this week, this is from Amy. Art history major here, correction from this week's episode. The Hudson Valley Church stained glass was designed by Henry Matisse and Mark Chagall. I had said it was Cezanne. Wow though that's impressive Chagall and the other guy probably equally as impressive. Yeah then another guy named Greg said you said

Joseph was a shepherd. There are exactly two details the Bible tells us about Joseph. He was a carpenter and he was a cuck. How did a nice Catholic schoolboy like you get that wrong? Also when you told Mike that Paul Cezanne was born in 1839 you said he must have designed the stained glass in a church near your hometown in quote 18th century 1839 is the 19th century after you said that Mike pause it sounded like he was about to correct you but decided to let it go you're welcome first of all why not why is the 1800s in the 19th century it doesn't make sense it's like saying well I 34, so I'm in my 20s. Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

Why is the soap so small in the bathroom, in the shower? I'm surprised Burghazi hasn't done that one. And the 1900s will be called the 19th century, sir, if only it were that simple. When he has that new character, he's doing like crazy oh yeah yeah oh no you haven't seen where he plays George Washington we will not use metrics we will use pounds you know we'll use feet and miles how many feet in a mile sir no one knows you know like you know it's it's that oh you have to see them he's done it three

times now all right he's done it two SNLs. They're very good. And then he did a Christmas special at the Grand Ole Opry and he played Jesus. And Jesus came out and talked about, and it's all the dumb things we have exactly like you're saying. Wait, I just wanna go back.

I think you mispronounced. I was like looking at texts from Tom. Matisse and Chagall did the windows in that church. I said the other guy. It's Matisse. Oh my God. Those are two grand slam hitters that did that Hudson Valley church or the stained glass in it.

It was Rockefeller's. David Rockefeller, not David, John D. Rockefeller hired them to do it. So it didn't always go well with artists for John D. The famous mural in 30 Rock, which they've had to cover up and change. Why? All right, you go on and talk about your tour dates while I look up this story quickly.

Tour dates, tonight, if you're listening to this podcast on the 26th, I will be in Raleigh, North Carolina at the improv Milwaukee next weekend, January 31 through February 2 at the improv Vegas at Brad Garrett's February 10 through the 16th Fontana California at stage red February 22. Then I'll be in Atlanta, Hollywood, we got the St. Patty's day show at the Improv March 15th, also coming to Ontario, Toronto, Pittsburgh, Boston,

all tickets at fitsdog.com. Yeah, he commissioned Diego Rivera and then to do a mural, and Rivera had his own ideas for the mural and basically created what was considered. I'm not I'm not finding the article here, but this off the top of my head. Basically, a man at the crossroads. That's what it was by Diego Rivera, which many felt was a very

an indictment against capitalism. Oh, interesting. Commissioned by John D. Rockef capitalism. Oh, interesting. Commissioned by John D. Rockefeller. I love it. Three paneled artwork. They approved the frescoes idea showing the contrast of capitalism as opposed to communism. However, they complained about the beast calling it anti capitalist propaganda because he added

images of Vladimir Lenin and a Soviet May Day parade when they were discovered by Nelson Rockefeller. At the time of the Rockefeller Center wanted Rivera to remove the portrait of Lenin, but Rivera was unwilling to do so. So he plastered over it. Anyway, it's a fascinating story. I think there's even a movie, clearly there's documentaries about it,

but I think there's a movie about it as well. Hmm, all right. There you go. Yeah, Nelson Rockwell. All right, can we get a crinkle? Should we start this? Not John D. Yes, I still have my map of Amsterdam here.

Let's do this. There it is. All right, and we're off. So, front page. Everything will be revealed. On Thursday, Trump signed an executive order to release the JFK assassination files promising everything will be revealed. That's a big one, huh? The president said as he signed the order, a promise he made to Robert F. Kennedy Jr., his secretary of health and human services nominee and the nephew of JFK. A lot of people are waiting for this for a long, dot, dot, dot, for years, for decades.

Everything will be revealed, Trump then repeated. Trump released a portion of the JFK files during his first term in the White House, but now the last files that remained under the seal are due to be released to the public. So that's quite a promise to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Meanwhile, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., RFK, just said, hey, can you promise me, I just want one promise,

can you not take any more vaccines? He's like, you know what? I'd rather release the most secret documents on planet Earth can I make you that promise that's what I'm gonna do for you don't stop my vaccines they kept me alive all right so we got the kid this guy is not a conspiracy theorist our friend Tom O'Neill author of the book chaos which talks about the Manson murders but also sort of it goes into the Kennedy assassination and how Rogers something no Jolly something what was the guy's name? I know no Jolly it was Jolly. Jolly something. West? Jolly it was Jolly Jolly something and last Jolly West right so about how Jolly

West was this guy who could you know dose people with acid and make them go insane and that he visited Jack Ruby who was the guy who killed what are you calling J up, Jolly West? Jolly West, I think. Oh, no, no, he was the guy, he went down and he signed in, they have the records on us, and he visited Jack Ruby down in the Dallas prison, I'm pretty sure it was Dallas prison, after killing Lee Harvey Oswald,

that's where Ruby was, and Ruby was never the same again. Oh yeah, Tom won't be able to hear me, so. Hello, Tom. Good afternoon. How you doing? Good. Can you hear Mike? No, I think I heard him like it sounds like he's in an echo chamber. All right, so I'll leave the interview. First of all, how are you, Tom? Oh, I'm fine, Greg. Thanks for asking. How are you? I'm good. I'm not in LA with these goddamn fires and now there's going to be mudslides. I know. It looks like it's just about to start pouring. Stay wherever you are and don't come back. No. I got to get out. I'm in Raleigh, North Carolina. I got to get out of here.

Oh yeah, they got hurricanes. So big news, John F. Kennedy's papers, the, now is it the Warren Report, what's being released exactly? The CIA files, the classified files. Okay. Of their investigation and the documents they had on Oswald prior to the assassination. OK, my prediction is Tom will say, like he did last time,

even though more is being released than last time, it's still the juiciest parts the public will never see. That's my prediction. I honestly don't know, but I don't trust the CIA. You know, when they do the one commission investigation, they without information when they lie to them. They do the same thing when they have the second House select committee investigation. Why we can give them the benefit of the doubt.

I don't think they'll release anything incriminating. You know, I just don't, I'm hopeful, but I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen. And I'm not even sure that Trump hasn't just done this as a publicity stunt. He's only put the process in motion. You know, he had the opportunity to do it in 2017, which he said he'd do, and then he

didn't. And if you believe Tucker Carlson, that's a big if. He said that Mike Pompeo told Trump he wasn't, he should never release this stuff because it incriminates the government and the assassination. And that's why Trump didn't do it in 2017. That's what Tucker Carlson said. Mike Pompeo told him. So is it your belief that the CIA was involved

in the Kennedy assassination? Yeah, yeah, but the caveat is, I'm not the best expert on the Kennedy assassination. All I really know about that I have original reporting on is that the CIA interfered with Jack Ruby when he was in custody and sent one of their doctors to basically obliterate his memory, which implicates them in a cover-up.

But I don't know all the stuff about the second gunman, the bullets, I'm just a lay person in that area. I kind of stick to my lane. But Jolly West was the doctor they sent, right? Yeah, yeah. Who infiltrated the security about the person they called the most important witness in the Warren Commission investigation. Because he was the person who silenced the suspected assassin by shooting him. Yeah, it seems to me that... And after Oswald, he was the most important. It seems that if there were any records that could implicate the government, they would have been gotten rid of by now.

Yeah, yeah. I can't imagine they would just keep that stuff in there. But, you know, they did release some of the file in 2022 Biden allowed it but he also did the same thing Trump did he then put the brakes on it but some of the revelations in those documents contradicted what the CIA had maintained for 60 years which is they had no advanced information or knowledge of Oswald when it turned out they'd been surveilling him for at least two years prior. Got it. So there could be stuff in there scattered around that's like a jigsaw puzzle that you can put together,

but I don't think there's gonna be a smoking gun where there's an order from Alan Dulles to set up Oswald in the book depository as a Patsy when their trained assassins shoot Kennedy from the grassy knoll or something like that. I don't think there's going to be an execution plan in that. Okay. All right. Tom O'Neill is our guest. And do you want to promote your documentary that's coming out? Touchy subject well well we're gonna promote it it's just it's high-profile you just am I are we allowed to say that he has mixed feelings about it yeah he's mixed and we'll get into a Tom will come on

around the time that the documentary comes out. And we'll get into it. Yes. I have to reread my non-disclosure contract that I signed with the people, stupid people that made the film first. Non-disclosures don't mean shit anymore. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, as you say that, now the one that gets locked down and sued for never able to work again. All right. Well, you know, just finish the next book. Tom is working on another book that'll be out in about a month. All right, Tom, thanks for talking. Can Tom have AI? Ask him, is he looking into having AI help him write? It's like having the- Are you going to get AI to help you write?

Mike wants to know. If I knew how to use it, yeah, in a heartbeat, but I still don't understand what all that stuff is. You know, I'm not that tech savvy. Well, you need to get one of your young friends, all those guys that you hang out with to come over. They're very tech savvy. What are those guys' names?

The Grindr boys? He's going over all of them. I'm sure he could help me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, good. And to keep things safe, send your daughters over, Gibs. So not a chance. Everything will be kosher. Ha, ha, ha, ha. All right. daughters over, Gibbs. So, um, not a chance. Everything will be kosher.

All right. Sounds good, Tom. Thanks for your time. Thanks for staying on top of the news. Always. That's what we do. We try to bring it to America. There you go. All right. So long. Happy Sunday. All right. Bye bye. All right. Um, so he doesn't think there's gonna be any big news? I predicted that, I told ya. Yeah, okay. I mean, it's like, I know Trump is feeling way more emboldened this time, but it's like,

there were reasons he didn't release the last time, and now, I mean, I guess what I'm saying is maybe the records have changed since then, but it just seems that there's ways not to release the most damning stuff. And that guy Jolly, while he was a professor at UCLA, he, they saw the, Tom found the evidence where MK Ultra had destroyed all,

the, almost all of the research and the documents. And in one of the boxes in the archives at UCLA, he found one piece of paper that was mixed with other like orders for printers and stuff like that, that was damning, and that's in his book. You know, where basically Jolly told Washington We've had success we planted false memories in a human's brain through a combination of hypnosis and hallucinogenics and

Mission accomplished Can we plant some memories for me of like? You know sleeping with Heidi Klum like can you put something like that into my brain using LSD I was I thought we were you that's that's aiming high I was like can you plan I'm like can I remember to go to the gym can you plant that memory where I promised myself I won't be a piece of garbage can you put a memory of me quitting Ellen DeGeneres after the first year? All right. What's this about Epstein?

Well, not everything's going to be revealed because Republican Congress members, Republicans are calling on President Donald Trump to release evidence related to the case of disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein. The representatives have pushed for the release of unredacted versions of Epstein's flight logs and the complete version of Ghislaine Maxwell's quote, little black book. A few pages of the book were released in a redacted version

during Maxwell's 2021 child sex trafficking trial. However, the full unredacted version has never been released to the public and to that I'm imagining Trump's like I thought we moved on I thought we moved on from the white freak offs to the black freak offs can we please just focus on the blacks the whites the whites it's old news it's about the blacks now. I mean the irony irony is if John F. Kennedy had been alive in 2017, he would have racked up a lot of miles on the Epstein jet. Yes, I he would but he deny it. I asked not what Jeffrey Epstein could do for me.

Ike been ein eilander. So yeah, I guess there's a lot of names as names of the kids in there. It's like a children's book. Yeah, exactly. All right, more pop more politics. I love this story this week. Lauren Bo Bart, a complete joke of a, was forced to apologize after trying to kick out a, quote, guy from the women's bathroom at the Capitol. Lauren Boebert stormed into a woman's restroom in the Capitol to get a guy removed by security on Thursday. She was overheard on the

House floor telling members that she had discovered Delaware Democrat Sarah McBride in the women's room. McBride, the first transgender member of Congress, is not permitted to use the women's bathrooms after speaker Mike Johnson renewed a ban on transgender people using single-sex bathrooms. Boebert admitted she, quote, made an error regarding a mistaken identity and then she apologized and said I learned a lesson, she didn't, and it won't happen again, it will. Well you gotta be clear that it was not this woman Sarah McBride, it was just another woman who happened to be in there. Right, the woman said she intends to follow the rule as she always has, but Bowert thought she saw a trans person and it turned out just to be a woman., them because that's what she does in theaters playing Beetlejuice the musical with families

around. I forgot about that. Yeah, she can't be trusted. I mean, she can't be trusted in a crowd of 3000 people. How she could be a trusted in a in a lone bathroom. Yeah, exactly. And but also, you know, look, this trans woman, she might be dressed like a woman

and she might sound like a woman and speak like a woman, but make no mistake, she's still shitting like a dude. And talking like a dude from the stall. You know that after straining out a big one, she probably said to the stall, hey girl, just took the browns to the Super Bowl. Flush. That's what it is? Yeah. Okay. All right. Dr. Fauci is on his own. President Donald Trump has revoked security protection for former top U.S. health official Anthony Fauci, who has faced death threats since leading the

country's COVID-19 response. Quote, you can't have a security detail for the rest of your life because you work for the government. Trump said with absolutely no irony, as he and Melania have have and will enjoy full time security detail for the rest of their lives because they work for the government. So Fauci has these people out there actively threatening him, death threats coming in.

So no more security. So I wonder how Fauci can hide. Oh, you know what? Why doesn't he wear a mask? That's gonna be my official advice to Fauci. Wear a mask, lay low. And the people that are gonna shoot him are gonna be wearing a mask too.

By the way, let's make a bet right now. 50 bucks on the first attempt on his life, the under over is January 6th of next year. I'm betting there will be an attempt on his life before January 6 of next year. Do you wanna take that bet? Yeah, I'll take that bet. Now, we're probably gonna get into arguments over like,

if they heard, like, death threats are coming in, so a death threat doesn't count. And if there's a death threat and they go and they find a guy in his apartment I don't think that counts. No there has to be in process in process an attempt like they find a guy with a gun near his house it has to be like some it's got to be some ammunition involved so if he's in his car and They find him that that that's an attempt If they find him in Fauci's car no in his own car like near Fauci's home only if he has a weapon

Okay Yeah, I like it. Yeah, that's not gonna. I don't think it's gonna happen okay That's not gonna happen. I don't think it's gonna happen. Okay An Alabama Starbucks employee opened the drive-through window to help a customer and one of the customers monkeys one of them Left from the customers car attacking the employee quote as well happen I was working in the drive-through when the lady came through with two monkeys in her car I'd never interacted with her. She pulled up to the window and rolled it down and the monkey jumped out up my hand and started gnawing on my hand. She said the monkey then ran up her arm and jumped onto her head. It bit my ear. I don't

remember this. But one of my co workers took it off my head and threw it out the window. Put it in the blender, man. Yeah, right? The cops showed up, they asked how big the monkey was, the woman said, Venti. And she said, what color? And she said, latte.

And the cop said, did he fuck you in the ear? And she said, two pumps. The cop went right to that question. Yep, did he fuck you in the ear? Don't you remember that old joke about the monkey fucking the guy in the year? No. Oh god. It's a classic. I don't. That's not the one with the dog and the gun. No. Alright. Here's the thing. Well, this is why Starbucks by

the way needs to unionize. You gotta have protection and I'm sure it's in the union will be like, is there monkey protection for our employees? Yeah, because now this is a hazard at the work at the work site. But alright, so I'm driving and I have two wild monkeys in my car. And then I'm like, you know what this needs this scenario? This needs caffeine. know what this needs this scenario this needs caffeine if you're not worked up enough having two wild monkeys in the car caffeine is not gonna do it he also he probably did think about this like all right I gotta get I need a coffee cuz that it's hard keeping up with the primates let's face it and he's like I don't think it's gonna go well if I leave them in the car in a parking lot and who knows what could happen him you know people freak out when they see you I don't think it's gonna go well if I leave them in the car in a parking lot and Who knows what could happen?

I'm you know people freak out when they see you leave cracked windows and a little dog now There's gonna be two primates running around a car So he's thought he was he probably thought he was doing the right thing going to the drive-thru. Yeah. Yeah I mean, I mean I see a lot of those videos The algorithms gotten to know me and it knows that I enjoy fast food restaurant fights. But at the top of my list are when people attack the person through the drive through window and then they fight back. And there's some great ones.

Oh, no, I know. And milkshakes are thrown and the whole thing. Yes. You know what would be the freakiest sight is to see one of these Waymos, to see one of these driverless cars with two monkeys in it. Even the monkeys will be like, this is weird. Dude, I was in San Francisco and I took a Waymo

and it was so trippy being alone in a car. And I was just thinking about San Francisco. And the reason I love it, the reason I've always loved San Francisco is it's a walking city, the interactions with so many different types of people. It's a city where people live downtown. It's not like a beltway where everybody lives out in the suburbs.

And so I go from, I took a Waymo to my hotel. My hotel had a kiosk check-in. So you check yourself in. I go to the room, jerk off to some porn. And then I ordered Uber Eats that brought my food over and dropped it in front of my door. And I just thought to myself, this is the opposite of everything

I love about San Francisco. I have not interacted, it's been six hours I have not interacted with a human being on my trip to San Francisco. Right, yeah, I know. Yeah, exactly, that is very odd. One of the most, one of the west, west of the Mississippi, one of the most social cities.

Yeah. And yet you're doing it that way. I do wanna say before you start the next story, so my stories were documents being revealed, executive orders, what the president's going to reveal, then something that happened at the Capitol, and then Fauci, you know this, and then your two stories are Chai Monkey and Jerk Off. All right. I mean, look, I'm on the road. I got things on my mind. Being an outlaw in Mississippi, this could have been Mississippi man, could be as simple as busting a nut or at least that's

what a state senator is proposing with a new law that effectively bans masturbation for men. I'm gonna move to Mississippi if they pass this law. Yeah maybe you'll get some work done. I need structure I need I need it's like I need that in my life. Yep the contraception begins at erection act Aims to lock men from spreading or wasting their seed unless they intend to make a baby The bill does have some exceptions especially in regard to activities related to baby making endeavors Including sperm donation the proposed law which was introduced Monday and is currently in committee,

would see men hit with the petty with pretty stiff fines for solo ejaculation. First time violators would be hit with a thousand dollars. Second time, five thousand. Luckily, I'm never hitting that five grand at this point in my life, unless they space these violations out by 48 hours. By the way, how are they going to police this? I mean, how are they going to find out? It's not like we're masturbating, you know, it's not like there's like streaming video cameras aimed at every guy while he's watching porn on his laptop, you know? And you could pull the old move that I'm getting better at, which is just fall asleep during it and never get to fruition. You haven't done that.

Yeah. And then I've woken up and continued. Not joking. That's how diseased I am. It's ridiculous. Well, you know what you're doing is you're setting the bar too high. You know, you can't wait for the perfect scene

and for it to go on for 11 minutes at the right camera angle. You gotta get what you can in five minutes and call it a day. Oh no, I don't fall asleep during the search. I fall asleep when I've found pay dirt. It's unbelievable. Like, it's like, I'm trying to, and we can now,

it's a little safer conversation. But we talked about this before the podcast. It's that serotonin release or whatever it is. Like, you're looking for this feel good, it's self-soothing, you're looking for this feel good thing and you so want it before you go to sleep. And meanwhile, sleep is the ultimate you know re-rack of your good energy and all that stuff yet I'm just too dumb to be like

why don't you just go to sleep. It's kind of like falling asleep to TV is what you want to do and then you wake up and you start changing the channel. I've done that also. I really think this dopamine thing and we talked about it before that's what I meant. Yeah, right we both have ADHD and this need to spike our energy because ADHD means that your mind is at one wavelength and your body is at the other and you're trying to get them to connect and And the brain basically is at a lull. And so you're looking for ways physically, that's why we drink a lot of caffeine,

that's why you gotta take stimulants like Ritalin, because you're trying to jack everything up so your mind will engage again. And so when you're trying to write a script alone in an apartment, good luck. I know. So back to this Mississippi thing, it'll be interesting to see if they pass this law,

I'll tell you what, they better pass some gun laws fast. You're having guys walk around with figuratively loaded guns. Tempers will be a little more inflamed, I would have to say. Oh, right, yeah, I think it's... Tempers a little shorter, maybe a lot shorter. And to go darker, I think that there's gonna be more aggressive behavior towards women.

I mean, is that a stretch to say that? Or men, especially if it's these southern dudes who've been repressing it, you know? And now, I mean, I don't think they're, they're already lying, so why wouldn't they lie about this if they're going on men's sites? why wouldn't they lie about this if they're? On men's sites more like I love mr. Sippy. Oh Look at that

On that note Wow, alright, so the Oscar noms are out and You know Working on the Golden Glo Globes I kind of got to know without seeing many of them I got to know a lot of these movies anyway there's a lot of there's a lot of snubs and all that but one thing I liked was even NPR keep in mind I'm reading NPR it you'd be hard-pressed to find a more woke right media outlet. This is what they said about Amelia Perez, which has 13 nominations. I will leave it at this.

The tone deaf mystifyingly bad musical about a trans-Mexican cartel leader provides the kind of insight into Mexican culture and revelations about the trans experience that you'd reasonably expect from a cis Frenchman writer director Jacques Audillard. Like there are so many people like at NPR who want to like this movie because it's outrageous. I mean, it's a musical about someone, a cartel leader that goes trans. And I guess the actress, the trans actor,

I don't even know how to say it, is very good because sometimes women are called actors, just so everyone knows what I just did there. But anyway, but it's apparently terrible. Well I pulled up a couple other reviews because this is, there are certain movies that they check enough boxes that the reviewer will be in hot water if they don't go a certain way. So this is from the New Yorker, also a very left-leaning paper, magazine. For the most part it seems as if Audiard can't be bothered.

Emilia Perez presents twists and turns that exhaust themselves in the strain to stoke excitement. The movie is a wild ride to nowhere. Nice. And then the Chicago Tribune also left-leaning says, Audierd commits the cardinal sin of the musical comedy. He has made a movie that is neither funny nor features any good music. That's perfect. Yeah. It's exactly like the bear that's in the comedy musical variety. It's like you're neither. Right, right. At least it's not claiming to be a musical. So anyway, you can go on and read the snubs.

It's such a, you know, that was one of the huge challenges on the Golden Globes was people, there's no shared knowledge of the movies. It's not like Saving Private Ryan's out or Titanic or whatever. Or even in the last few years like even the Irishman There was sort of a shared Knowledge of it even if you didn't see it you had heard the story what it was about that

It was too long and all that stuff this year. There are so many movies and Who's going to movies anymore? It's really pretty well I think that two movies that people are aware of from this year actually I don't even know that their calendar year because the Oscars that are nominated have to have been out by December 31st, right? I believe so I don't know if the Bob Dylan movie was out in time, but people talk. No, it is it's it's nominated. Okay And then the other one people talked about is the one about that prostitute which Oh Nora and Nora yeah people said that was actually very good

not a prostitute you mean a wife who is a dancer I think that's right I mean me yeah I guess she's a prostitute. Yeah. I mean, I would say her main job is stripper. Okay. Well, I mean, what is a prostitute? It's a very hazy question. Because if you're a woman, who's a stripper, and you're using your body sexually to make money. men are I mean let's not kid ourselves men go to the VIP room they go to strip clubs so they go to the VIP I can cut you off this is already she she then met him another day for paid

sex so okay there we go got it I think that's a prostitute a spoiler well it's a spoiler of the first 20 minutes of the movie. That's all. OK, all right. Let's make America Florida. Here we go. So what we got here. I beg your pardon. A Florida man who is facing criminal charges

for assaulting police officers in the January 6th attack on the US Capitol has found himself in custody again. No. Just one day after being pardoned sixth attack on the U.S. Capitol has found himself in custody again. No, just one day after being pardoned by President Donald Trump. Daniel Charles Ball, 39 years old, was arrested on gun charges Wednesday in Tampa, an indictment from August charging him with possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, cited his past convictions for domestic violence, strangulation, resisting law enforcement, and battery on a law enforcement officer. So this is an indictment from August. But anyway, he was arrested on

gun charges. Damn. Yeah. Well, you know, these guys, and women, how many how many of the people I think there was like 1500 people that were arrested in conjunction or I think were charged in the September or the January 6 attacks. I know there was a woman. I know a bunch of women were in the Capitol because Bobert tried to get them all out of the bathroom. Yeah, that's how they could have cleared out the Capitol just to Bobber that they're all in the bathroom. They're Hey, there's Bobart the K Lauren, come here. They're all the rioters are trans. And they're coming in to use the bathrooms. Yeah, we just saw we just saw a woman standing

and urinating in the bathroom, get her, go get her. And they're not even like and meanwhile Bobrath's like, well, listen, as far I know one of them took a dump on Nancy Pelosi's desk. Fine. I don't if they're trans, that's fine. No matter what that person's doing it right. Yeah, long as they don't go in the bathroom. Isn't it weird, too, that you would feel threatened in a women's room if a guy came in? You're in a stall, it's locked, and you're taking a shit. It's so unattractive to think that you would want to have sex with somebody while they're urinating and shitting. What do you mean? There's a whole subcategory of people who that's why they're there.

Germans, yeah. Germans. Some comedian, so it's not me, and you can find him, I guess, if you Google this, but he was great. He's like, so for these people who state that their reason again for the bathroom ban against trans women is because it could be a predator who was born biologically male, I guess, if I don't even know how to phrase it, but who has now decided to gain access to the women's room by being trans. That's what they're going to do. And he goes, if you're one of these people, and there's a lot, that's what they're really scared of and stating, that means you think that a predator man

is like, I wanna go in the women's room and I want to be a predator and I wanna attack these women. But there's a rule that says I can't go I want to be a predator and I want to attack these women. But there's a rule that says I can't go in the ladies room. So I guess I can't. I know, I know. That's a really good point. I never thought about it in those terms. Yeah. I know.

So anyway, I want to give credit to this guy, but he came across my feed. You'll see him. He's a stand up and boy, I wish I could really say his name. I just don't know where to. Or you can see me. I'll be doing it in Raleigh, North Carolina this weekend at the improv.

Should we go to Florida? Should we go to Georgia? Yeah, let's go to Georgia. Here we go. This is a short one. Let's make a Georgia, Florida. A Georgia man uses a flame thrower to melt ice on his street. A man in icy Newton County, Georgia

used a flamethrower to clear the street in front of his house. And I just like to say, when I went there, I was like, I know exactly what this guy is going to look like. And sure enough, that is exactly what this guy looked like. I'm just glad he's not using the flamethrower on black guys jogging. Let's just say that in Georgia. Oh God, yeah. I mean, this is why you don't ask your Vietnam veteran husband to do chores around the house.

Yeah, also, why are you married to someone who doesn't know that salt could also do it? Yeah, talk about bringing a gun to a knife fight. We'll move it, Oh, yeah, exactly. I thought that was your segue into sports. Let's do some sports. Let's go do sports. Here we go. Oh, my God. You send me this video of the Philly mayor who flubs the Eagles chant where they spell Eagles. Yeah. E.L. Right out of the gate. Second letter L. E.L.

G.S.E.S. So this is hats off to Philly for this one. A very rare compliment. They're already printing up t-shirts that are E.L.G.S.E.S. And you know, they're going to chant that at the game on Sunday. Probably, oh my God. Speaking of the Eagles, last week we had $100 riding on a bet that we'd made previously

and we decided to go double or nothing. Now it might've been a $50 bet, but I'll say 100 cause that makes it a little more dramatic on our double or nothing. Oh man. And the spread was six and a half points. And so you felt conflicted because you hate the Eagles, you hate Philadelphia, you don't want

them to win. But there's a part of you that thinks they're going to win. So you take the bet. And not only did the Eagles win, they didn't cover the spread, they missed the spread by a half a point. It's my worst nightmare. You were a delta loser. Yeah. In the matrix of what could have happened, that's the worst case scenario.

And do you know the spread opened at six points and it moved? Believe it or not, at game time, I think it was seven maybe even. And they won by six and they were giving away either six and a half or seven. It was a, and not only that, it could have gone the other way. I forget what the play was. It so easily could have gone the other way. Was there a miss field goal?

Whatever it was, it was a bad beat. It was an ugly game. There was a lot, I mean, the Eagles are famously torturing their fans by getting big leads and then blowing them late in the game and then squeaking out of victory. Oh no, the Rams were marching down the field. That's what it was. Right. So I'm going to, I am going to let you redeem yourself. The Eagles are playing tomorrow or today. As you hear podcast they're playing against I believe the what will be well they're

the Washington commanders now but then I heard that they're allowed to change their name back and then somebody said no they can't change their name back to the Redskins but they're being allowed to use the logo again which I said well that's like telling that's like, well we're bringing back the swastika but you can't say Nazi. Maybe, maybe. Alright, wait, what do we got here? So do you want to take for 50 bucks, do you want to take Washington and I'll take the

Eagles? I don't even know what the point spread is. I'm gonna look up on my dumb app here but this will be obviously just like I honored the point spread moving. I honored it at game time. I'll do the same thing. Whatever it is at game time. I'll do the same thing for you. I'm guessing the point spread is three and a half but the Eagles favored. Well it's 12 and a half with the Eagles favorite. Well, it's 12 and a half for the Grizzlies over the Jazz. Let me try to find football here. All right, here we go. I'm psyched.

I got the day free tomorrow. Wait, what did you think the spread was? Three and a half, Eagles by three and a half. Eagles are giving away six as of now. Whoa. And the over under is 47 and a half. That's high. The bills Chiefs man check this out. Chiefs are giving away two points.

I would take the bills on that one. And that's 48 and a half. I refuse even in my jaded and negative football, NFL experience in my life, or I don't care. There's no way I'm going to in any way root for the Chiefs over the bills. I will not put money on the Chiefs. I will not. I can't even depersonalize it. I want the bills to beat them so badly it's immeasurable. All right well I don't know who's gonna win that. I want the commanders to

beat the Eagles so I want both underdogs it turns out. All right I'm not gonna touch the Chiefs game because I just don't I just I would never bet against Mahomes. I would never bet against the Bills are so fucking good right now So I'm only gonna bet on the Eagles game alright, so I got 50 bucks on the Eagles. We want to do 50, huh? All right, what do you want to do? All right, we can do 50 I Got the commanders you got the commanders Whatever the spread is a game time. Yeah. Oh my god. Here we are. Once again, it's at six

Now it's gonna move to seven and the commanders are gonna win by six or the Philly Philly or whatever is going by six All right, let's do some letters to the editor. All right, here we go people love even though people love hearing us talk about sports. Ryan in Chicago says I think starting a patreon makes sense if only to add the good folks at Mid Coast media so they get paid. Yeah. One thing you could make patreon member exclusive is the road this Chris, cartoon caption contest, you could post the cartoon in the Patreon app, make it visible to patrons. All right. That's

something to think about, okay. We are thinking about Patreon very soon, people. We'll keep you updated, but we're gonna make it worth it. We're gonna make the content so good that you feel good about it. And this is Ben says, fellas, I've noticed lately watching some other popular popular YouTubers that they have been beeping out certain words, not necessarily curse words, guessing to possibly avoid getting

demonetized by the algorithm on Instagram. Most listeners won't miss a beat on what you're saying. Maybe this could help you guys with monetization on YouTube. Well, thanks, Ben. Why don't you go yourself? Bleep, bleep. Yeah, I... I think that's probably a good idea, but I don't know. That's a lot of time. I know, but then we have to like

mark them and all that. I'm wondering, why don't we just self-censor? Why don't we just self-censor? Yes. You can't put in your two stories that you put in today that oh you can't talk about jerking off when you're supposed to be writing I falling asleep and with your dick in your hand what I was that was a whole very respectful conversation about self soothing. How dare you? Fell asleep with a T-bone hanging off your shaft.

By the way, the first few seconds you're like, wait, did I? No, I'm not done. I'm not done. Gotta continue. I see things through to the end. All right, let's go. Oh, merch, let's just talk about it.

It's not its own category. How about this? You ready? I did a big shipment of koozies, and I think I'm caught up. So here it is. Write, Greg, whatever address it is, email Greg. I give it, I mean, I think they must have arrived already.

It was a week ago. The koozies went out. All right, so if you want one, go to fit must have arrived already. It was a week ago The koozies went out Alright, so if you want one go to Fitz dog comm there's a link to get the koozie if you want a t-shirt Same thing Fitz dog comm get a take a tea. Oh my god I had like four different people wear Sunday Papers t-shirts to my shows this weekend I gotta go if you have one. I know I bought one but I need to buy a bunch so but we want to I don't know I'm stuck with a lot of Fucking grapefruit Simmons t-shirts in my attic. I got one I got one

Yeah There it is not even out of the plastic. No, collector's item, I'm not gonna ruin this. Yeah, the values are really going up over time. Look, there's a barcode on it and everything. Yep, yep. I tell you a story, like, everybody knows the story about Grapefruit Simmons.

I'm not gonna retell the story, but I told it a few times, and then somebody designed that logo, Grapefruit Simmons. I'm not gonna retell the story, but I told it a few times and then somebody designed that logo, Grapefruit Simmons. And so I go, oh, this is gonna be great. I'm gonna sell all these t-shirts. So I order boxes of them. I ordered like 500 t-shirts and extra small, small, extra triple X.

And so I head off to Connecticut and I pack one of those giant suitcases that you have to check, stuff it with T-shirts, fly to, I fly to New York, rent a car, drive up to Connecticut, unpack, bring all the shirts down to the show, and then on the show that night during my set, I tell the Grapefruit Simmons story,

and it shits the bed. For whatever reason, nobody thought it was funny that night and now I'm standing out front as people are filing out and they're looking at a t-shirt that's reminding them of the worst joke in my set that night and one person bought a shirt and she goes, sorry. And that was the last time I saw the show. Can I write off this donation? That's amazing that sometimes that story, which seems bulletproof, just will not work at all.

That's crazy. Yeah. So now you have to ship them off like people usually do with loser shirts. So like all these kids in Africa are walking around with 49ers shirts and one poor kid has a Grapefruit Simmons shirt? At least, yeah, at least the 49ers had a shot at one point. Yeah, they came with the three points, exactly. They had won their division.

That Grapefruit had one shit. Alright, let's let's sadden it up. Let's sadden it down. Time to sad in it up. Let's add in it down. I'm sad it down. So obituary. Listen, Garth Hudson, who was the last surviving member of the band, passed away. So it's bigger than Garth Hudson, although all due respect to him. He was this wizard and really was almost just see the last waltz. Everything will be explained. His history. I thought it was one of actually the most interesting parts of the last waltz. Everything will be explained. His history.

I thought it was one of actually the most interesting parts of the last waltz, which had a billion interesting parts, but it was really great. I will just read this one. Thing from the New Yorker on Tuesday, Garth Hudson, who played organ, accordion, saxophone and much more as a member of the band, perhaps still the group that best embodies the glorious lawless amalgamation of styles at the very heart of rock and roll died at the age of 87 near Woodstock, New York.

Hudson's bandmates, the guitarist Robbie Robertson, the drummer, Leavon Helm, the bassist, Rick Danko and the pianist and multi-instrumentalist, Richard Emanuel, often described him as scholarly, nimble, and discerning, a professor type at loose in a scene dominated, oh, a professor type at loose, that's weird, in a scene dominated by beautiful buffoons. The Rocky Belly singer singer Ronnie Hawkins, who was backed by the band in the early 60s when they were still known as the Hawks,

understood Hudson as a singular type of dude. Quote, he heard all sorts of weird sounds in his head and he played like the Phantom of the Opera. Most organ players in those days would just play through everything. But Garth would lay back, hit licks, hit horn shots. He knew exactly what to put in and what to leave out. Yeah, it had a haunting sound. I can remember that one song that just starts with... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm forgetting the name of but that was yeah real powerhouse right yeah, I mean it is sad you think about like this band and

That he lived in Woodstock which was this seminal time and all their lives where they put out that was called pink houses Is that the album songs from big things from big pink? You know where they all lived in this big pink house one summer and you see films of it and they're just fucking shirtless playing frisbee drinking beers and then they jump in the house and they'd record a great song and then they'd go swim in the river and ride motorcycles and then they go write another song and it was just like this really magic moment in time and that's great that they all kind of retired up there or he did and and What's his name? Who's the guy you were friends with?

Leave on helm leave on helm there on YouTube there's a thing called the band the making of up on Cripple Creek and Ron was I believe was and he's like that's the first time Ron was, I believe, and he's like, that's the first time before Stevie Wonder that someone had used this keyboard as a wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. And he even says he thought it was the Jew Harp

when he first heard it. And he couldn't believe that Garth Hudson was the one in the band making that sound on the song Up on Cripple Creek. I can't believe the instrument was called the Jew Harp. Yeah was another one but here's Ron and he's talking he's like yeah it's way before I can't play it cuz I'll ruin our algorithm but up on Cripple Creek when you hear that when it then re-racks for the next part of the song that's that's Garth on keyboards. Oh, sweet. Yeah. All right. Let's

cheer up. Let's cheer up. Here we go. We're gonna cheer up with with some funnies. All right, speaking of koozies, if you don't know about it, there is a competition that burns bright every week on the Sunday papers where we present you with one frame of a comic, you then write down hilarious jokes that we read on the show. If we deem it to be the funniest one, you get a koozie sent to your house in no less than six months.

And this week's I go back and I find your emails to me. I've emailed out to all the winners I could find, but I bet you've failed to send me a couple of the winners So probably true if you've won remind Greg Remind me if you've won and you didn't get it. We'll get it out to you So this the strip from last week is a guy in bed. He's got a turban on his head He's shirtless and he's playing a flute. There's a next to him who's in a frilly negligee her arms are crossed she looks a little bit put off and

They've got a blanket over them and in his lap there appears to be a bulge Now the first joke comes from shoday who says I'd say you're more of a worm charmer. I'm already gonna tell ya, I haven't read any. That one's gonna be hard to beat, I think. Chuck, no, there's two really good ones later. Oh, sorry, Shaday. Chuck said, embarrassed, Audrey realized she should have asked more questions

about the trouser snake Doug highlighted in his Tinder profile. Little wordy, but not bad. Yeah, little long. There are points off for the length of that, but yes. How about this one? Steve says, look like you have a reptile dysfunction. Ah, that's good. That is a very good wordplay. David Bentley says, I guess we have a ceasefire. David Bentley says I guess we have a ceasefire. All right.

Rich Butchko said Kenny G post brain surgery. Jason Cobb said Kenny G's idea of foreplay. Colin says I'd be pissed if I still had my clitoris. What? She's Muslim. He's Muslim. I know that's yeah, that's pretty good. Matthew DeFrancisco said just admit it. You wish I was blondie Greg. Kelly. Kelly Holmes says great. Can you charge? Can you

charm this pussy next? Okay. Dave Williams says, if music is the food of love, I'm going on a hunger strike. All right, Dave. Willem said, I wish you played the oboe instead. She wants some burg-durk. Kate Purcell said, I'm not sure taps is the best choice.

Not bad, Kate. Jack Kellner said not sure about your dick but my legs are definitely getting longer that you got to see the picture their legs are very long very absurd let's see Tim Bagan said I should be blowing while you do the fingering That's not bad I found some words in there to make some good word play Bruce why said honey if you really need to play Jethro toll for this. I'll just have to charge you extra It's a prostitute all of a sudden. Okay

Ron Dvorak said learn a new song Bon Jovi's living on a Prayer only gets you halfway there. All right, what do you like, Mike? Halfway there. Yeah, sorry, Sade. I think you were, a reptile dysfunction is high level wordplay. Yes.

I wonder if like chat GPT could have come up with that. No, I don't think so. You know, that's one of the things they do. It's like, like think in a millisecond, think of every word associated with this scenario and then every word associated with the other one. And let's try to make a joke. I really liked that a lot.

And then I also liked, I still had my clitoris. I like that a lot. She does have dark hair. He has a turban on. I don't know, yeah, I mean, I think joke work. Should we get it awarded to both of them? sure, let's do that a reptile dysfunction from Steve and then Collins joke I'd be pissed if I still had my clitoris we are just giving it away this week

two koozies going out to you next week's caption is, there's a baseball team. They're in the outfield. The pitcher's on the mound. The second baseman is standing there, and he's holding hands with a woman who's in a short skirt,

and she's got kind of saggy boobs, but she's smiling. And then you see a guy in the outfield. They're all wearing red shirts, red socks. And it looks like kind of old timey baseball. But I guess that the gist is the second baseman has his mitt on his knee, he's crouched over, but he's also holding hands with this woman. It's a little absurdist. but I feel like last week's was a really good premise. We got amazing jokes this week. So I think these weird ones might be kind of good. And by the way, Jason Love has been our artist for a number of weeks now.

If anybody else has one frame captions you'd like to send in, feel free. Now one thing I'm going to say as I study it. I think technically he might be the shortstop because if you see the pitchers look, because the outfielders also looking to our left. In other words, it looks like I see what you did because I thought it was second base at first also. But we're thinking like home plate, you know that he he's going to pitch

to his left the pitchers left. Yeah, if you look at the way the angle of the pitchers body is the way his shoulders are squared off. That infielder is behind him. No, but everyone is looking everyone is looking to the left of the that's the shortstop. All right, let's just say it's either a shortstop or a second baseman. I mean, it's pretty rare that you have a shortstop who's a left-handed player. Ooh, interesting.

Maybe that's why he needs, and maybe she's gonna assist him on a double play. That's right. They're already starting, they're already starting. Yep. All right, Mike, I only got one the reason why I'm sitting in a conference room and probably my sound is probably really echoey because it's a giant high ceiling room. But the reason I'm sitting

here because the internet in my room did not work. So I was only able to download one cartoon. It's haggard ha Hager's talking to his daughter who has the yellow hair and she has like solid beak up breasts underneath like a metal brazier. And she goes, I don't know who to listen to. You say dump Lute, but mom says don't dump him. And then Lute comes walking in with a plate full of pancakes

and the mother says, Lute makes the most perfect pancakes, and then Hager goes, listen to your mom. It seems so on Hager like this strip. Yes, it does. That seems more like Blondie. Yes. Dagwood would say that.

Like he could, Dagwood would give his daughter up to a neighborhood gang of Hell's Angels for a plate of pancakes. Hager on the other hand doesn't need to do that. He's got Helga. She'll make the fucking pancakes. Yeah. And also, and this guy Lute. Read the room Lute loot it's the Middle Ages you don't have to swoon anybody you just Take them Yeah, I don't know doesn't add up It's very wholesome. Yeah Very wholesome. All right, so we're moving on to the final comic of the day

And unfortunately, it's Dilbert. Now, I have not read it at all. Here goes a blind read. It's number 11. I also don't know what that means, but we've been counting from one in order in the article. I found them. So that's why I don't know what it means. It's a count up, but

it's it's it's from, I think, the think the 15 best I guess Dilbert's ever. Here we go, three frames. First frame, we got three guys there. It's Dilbert, it's some bald guy I don't know, and then it's the smack my bitch up guy with the two cones of hair on his head. And the middle guy, who I don't know the bald one, goes, I have a vision that our next product will be a tablet computer the size of a dime. The next frame he goes, users will lick it and attach it

to their eyeballs. And then he goes, can you finish that in a month? And Dilbert says, I can fail at any speed you like. All right. You know, that's the best one we've read yet. It is it is because, you know, it's it's it's just very matter of fact, it's flat, it's deadpan. I buy it. I buy it's the first one I've kind of bought. It's like everyone before this, I would have written a letter to the newspaper and it just would have said like, no thank

you. Just no thank you. Yeah. And why am I paying for that? Why is part of the money I'm paying for this subscription going to that person. Yes. Put the resources elsewhere. Yeah. I mean, especially when you get the Lockhorns that just, I mean, it's always been a favorite of mine and I think I've brought you over. I think you're a fan now. I love the Lockhorns. Oh my God, effort, every time effort.

Effort, like hard joke writing, nothing. They're not trying to be cute. They're not relying on any emotion except here is a funny joke about a married couple. Yeah, I'd say effort almost every single time and successful effort. Most of the time. Yep. So thank you guys for listening. Once again, if you want to donate money to a great family that lost their home go to help the Sal's men's recover their lives on go fund me otherwise uh just you know send the thoughts and the prayers as Anthony Jesselnyk would say out to California yeah exactly uh anything you want to promote mike you, I saw a documentary last night.

I watched all three, even though I fell asleep during the second one. I woke back up and rallied. So you were jerking off during it? We don't use that phrase, but I wasn't, although she was pretty attractive, I gotta say. It was called The Perfect Wife, I believe. It's on Hulu, and it's a three part series. Turns out all women know all the women who either get murdered or go missing or whatever.

So Hannah had already seen it, so I was on my own. But it's pretty good. It's pretty good. Is she the killer or is she the victim? You know what it reminded me a lot of? It reminded me a lot of the last season of Fargo. Oh, I love the last season of Fargo. Yeah, yeah.

With Jon Hamm? I'd say you, yes, I'd say you and Erin should watch it. And if you need me to text it to you because you're memory, I will, but it's on Hulu and it's called The Perfect Wife. It came out a few months ago. and of course there's been a podcast and probably a real this is a documentary but there might even been a movie who knows all right send it off I'll watch it and thank you it was well done I thought it was well done thank you guys for checking in and I guess we'll see you next week. Take it ish.

Take it ish. There we go. Here comes the sun, dootin' dootoo. Here comes the news, dootin' dootoo. Here comes cartoons, dootin' dootoo. Here comes Florida man, dootin' dootoo. And more good doodoo with your hosts Greg and Mike. Here comes Sunday papers.