Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 25 8/23/20

Episode Date: August 23, 2020

California is on fire, Greg and Mike return to Sturgis, and Netflix apologizes. It's also revealed the show may not be suitable for hospital listening. 

Sunday papers are commentators Are trying to find some humor in this crazy world Mike Gibbons in his closet Grapefruit Simmons somehow does it Though his mind is on Blondie's thigh Get your paper, people. You didn't read it on Monday, Tuesday. A little bit on Wednesday. Not Thursday. You don't know shit.

Get your Sunday paper right here. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you do it. I like it a lot, though. It gets me involved. It gets me involved. Yes. I'm like you're riddling.

I mean, it is exciting. Sunday is very weird these days because weekends are not that much different than weekdays. I mean, it is for you. You're kind of working these days. I am working a little more, kind of. Not getting paid. Don't get too excited here. But I don't know.

This was a long week, though. It just seems that it's like there's a pile on going on with the fires, these crazy tornadoes, this hurricane coming in. It just seems we're adding a layer of weather that is really bad. And heat waves. And a very bad heat wave, which is, you know, hand in hand with the fires a little bit out here. Yeah. And also they just measured the Arctic.

Icebergs have melted. Give me the good news. What's the good news from the Arctic? They set melted. Oh, give me the good news. What's the good news from the Arctic? They set records. They did? Most ice loss in history in one year. So that's great. But we're not focused on that now. Well, as I talked about in the Thursday papers,

when I was coming down from camping on Sunday, my car said 116, you know, on the main highway coming south on the eastern side of the Sierras. Right. Then there's a sign, Death Valley that way. And did it just make you take off your hat because it got so hot? Yeah. This conversation? The sign, there's the road to Death Valley, as I was driving by that road, I guess planet Earth broke a record of hottest temperature ever recorded on Earth.

And it was to the left. I think it was 130 in Death Valley on Sunday. Damn. Yeah. That's intense. I know. So, yeah, I don't know. It just seems like things are getting a little weirder.

Yeah, I don't know. It just seems like things are getting a little weirder. I want to give a shout out to Marku Hineyer, who did our song this week, which I kind of dug. Yeah. And then also Godet Design, G-O-D-E-T-T Design, did our logo of us on a motorcycle. Now, I only looked at it for a second. Aren't we just crudely Photoshopped our faces on top of other faces? Have you been looking at the logos for the last five months?

Did a company do that? It sounds like you're saying a company did that. Well, that's what he wanted to be known as. Maybe he's plugging his. Does he want to be known for that work? I think it looks good. I don't know why I'm on the back. I'm always in the subservient position. If it's a man-woman thing, I'm always the woman.

I do look in charge. I like that. So you know what? Yeah, I take everything back. I think it's an extraordinary piece of art. Yeah, well, just remember, I've got my dick firmly up your ass in that photo. Wait a minute. This is Sturgis. There's none of that. We're going to get to Sturgis later. And by the way, the show is available on YouTube if you want to watch us.

And also you can see the graphics. You can see the comics, the cartoons we do at the end. You don't need it, though. You don at the end. You don't need it though. I don't, you don't need it. Don't, I don't like this look. I don't even like thinking about video and having to put my face on before we do a podcast. It's weird. I think the key is with Sunday Papers is how on point we both are on promoting the show. You know, just a clear message. Yeah.

We're giving the listener. You know, just a clear message. Yeah. Giving the listener. I think you should. The ideal way to consume our podcast is to overhear it. Sit next to someone on public letter this week. Oh, yeah. I read that. She said, it's from Gina. I'm trying to listen to Sunday Papers at work, a hospital, and I forgot my earbuds. I didn't realize how much the two of you swore until I had to be on the lookout for patients who might have been with an ear shot. Not complaining about it, just an observation.

Love you two. Okay, Gina, first of all, maybe you shouldn't be listening to anything when you're on your shift. I don't know. Yeah, right. But how about this? Let's try not to curse for the rest of the hour. Okay, I can do that.

It probably won't happen, but let's make an effort so she can change some bedpans or put in new needles and IVs or I don't know what she does. Yeah. Make a major mistake and then not curse herself. And plus, this will groom us to replace Ellen. You know, if we can do it squeaky clean, who knows? Daytime TV.

Maybe she's labeling legs, by the way. Have you had a surgery? She's labeling legs, by the way. Did you, you, you've never really, have you had a surgery? Like, so my, so my Achilles went and so they come in and they're like, so which one are we doing? Right. And I'm like, it's my left Achilles. Like it says it on.

She's like, I know we just want to make. So then, so after being asked a billion times, then a nurse took like a big Sharpie and on the left ankle wrote, yes. And on the left ankle wrote yes and on the right ankle wrote no and i'm just thinking this was the probably the exact technique that was done 300 years ago when they were amputating like yes no yeah i mean can you imagine them taking the wrong leg off back then? Just imagine because you wake up. Not only are you missing your good leg. Now they're not done. They still got work to do. No, they haven't started. Yeah.

You're like, oh, wait a minute. Or I would wake up and I'd kind of be hopeful. Like, is this a new kind of technique where I'll use it more and it'll get better on its own? Had a couple of corrections from last week. As always, you guys are vigilant. Vigilant. We don't get away with shit. Wait. Come on.

She's on her shift. You just cursed. Oh. Swear jar. is shit this is wait come on she's on her shift you just cursed oh swear jar uh matt hess says a correction for the show if you need content you said gooding was six down but it's seven letters uh matt sad to say you're the fourth person to write in with that correction. I mean, do we have an OCD listenership? But wait a minute. I thought you were just kind of making up it's number six down. No, I said it's seven letters.

Right. Oh, wait. Yeah. I said it was seven letters. But couldn't that be number six down is seven letters? That's the clue I gave, but Gooding has eight letters. But couldn't that be number six down is seven letters? That's the clue I gave, but Gooding has eight letters. Oh, boy, I'm not even following along. Oh, no.

Or does it have seven? G-O-O-D-I-N-G. Seven. It is seven. What the fuck is wrong with you, Matt Hess? I read the letters very quickly, but I think he was saying you said six letters versus seven. No, he said it was six down. I know. And that's how you threw them. Maybe that's what it was. But a bunch of other people wrote in the same thing. Maybe they all they all bought the change up. Just make it number 34 down next time. David

Handman said, how do you make new mistakes during the correction section for the old mistakes? That's what you mean. That's why we're going to get ads soon. I mean, people realize how hard that is to do. You don't get that on other podcasts. No, no, no. They may get it wrong, but you know what? They don't address it when it's wrong in the first place, which is the only reason why

you know we fucked up. We screwed up twice. Oh, boy. Again. Square jar. Square jar. I hope she's wrong in the first place, which is the only reason why, you know, we fucked up. We screwed up twice. Oh, boy. Again. Square jar. I hope she's not in the children's ward. David said the Canaries are part of Spain. England has the Falkland Islands.

No, what's amazing is no one corrected me on that conversation. You and I were talking about what constitutes, you know, it's England, Britain, Great Britain, British Isles, what refers to what? And I said the, I said, Great Britain, uh, referred to Northern Ireland, Scotland, and England. And I left out Wales. Ah, yes. Which is very, which is a very big deal. But it doesn't include the Falklands. I think the Falklands are a colony, right? Or I don't know what it would be.

Here we go. Send in your letters. I don't know what the Falklands are considered. It's a colony. The Falklands are a colony. Is it still called a colony? God, that's becoming very un-PC, that term, right? Yeah, they probably call it a territory now. Is Canada a territory?

Yes. We have a lot of Canadian listeners. I'm one-quarter Canadian. I should know this. Are you really? Yep. Grandmother, first generation. My grandmother came here from Nova Scotia.

And when I tell what part of Nova Scotia, most Canadians are very impressed. She's from Cape Breton. And all of them are like, wow, that's beautiful. Yeah. It's a big vacation spot, Cape Breton. It was not at all. I went back up to her farm where she was raised. And there was fishermen were catching on to it, but it was far from touristy. Man, when I was there, it was really working class. Wait, so can you get Canadian citizenship if you want? No, I don't. Man, I would have jumped on that.

Zach, right? Galifianakis. He has it, I imagine, right now. I asked him if he can get it, and he said that he actually can't. He asked Quinn on the spot, and she said he can't. So Zach, she doesn't want him. That's her get out of jail free card. Zach married a Canadian,

full-blooded Canadian. So that's why I'm asking the question. I think it says something to do with residency. You have to live there for a certain period of time in order to establish it. He will be there six months straight very soon. No, no, no. He's not coming back until January, he told me.

By the way, that might be optimistic. He's not allowed in, right? We're not allowing Canadians in? And vice versa? Well, in his case, we'd be letting an American home, which there are stories about Americans not, you know, there being, I guess, a lot of red tape regarding that at the very least. And then once you got in, you can't go back to Canada again. There's no way.

Some Canadians I saw some news article where they would see his U.S. plates and the guy's like, ah, but I'm I'm Canadian. I work there like Abdul or whatever. But his car got vandalized. Oh, no shit. Canadians, rightfully so, do not want any dirty Americans in there right now. Yeah, he said that there's a car where he lives, and it's got a California plate, but then they wrote on the back window, I'm a Canadian, ignore the tag. See?

Yep. Which is what a sneaky, ignore the tag. See? Yep. Which is what a sneaky, dirty Californian would write. Liar. Trying to brand themselves. All right, listen. Let's get to the papers. Extra! Extra!

We all about it! Extra! That's the most anemic paper crinkle I've ever heard. It wasn't good? I didn't hear it. There it is. It's getting a little worn out. I got to get a fresh one.

I think I've been crinkling the same one for like five weeks. Just so everyone knows out there, we recycle our sound effects. That's right. We are the greenest podcast out there. I found yesterday's here. Ooh, that's stiff. Top story for us, obviously, because we're affected by it, the California fires. They've been hampered by a lack of prison inmates who have been used to fight fires since the 1940s.

Usually, the state can mobilize 192 inmate firefighting crews. inmate firefighting crews. But this year, the coronavirus has thinned their ranks, both from disease and from release, as the state sends inmates home from crowded facilities. They make up to $5.12 a day and earn two days off their prison sentence for each day they spend firefighting. So it's like, hey, Ma, good news.

I'm getting out six days early with over $32 in my pocket. Bad news, my face and neck look like French onion soup. Oh, Jesus. The two days for every one day sounds like a great deal, but you're not going to be fighting fires for, you know, 180 days to get your one year off your sentence. Yeah, that's why that's yeah, they want the fires to burn. That's not an incentivized firefighter.

When the longer they when the longer the fires go, it's like, hey, Moretti and Coleman put out a fire on that embankment, but Johnson set off to in the ravine. They monitor the phones. Ma, ma, listen, I want you to take the kids camping. Just go camping. You light, light two fires. Just light two fires and bring your fried chicken thing where you, that vat of oil, you heat that up dangerously hot. Anything, any water touches it, you know how it's like, remember how you lit the house on fire last year?

Yeah. You got to go camping and do that. Is Uncle Johnny still chained smoking Marlboros? Bring him. He doesn't get out into nature enough. Wait, son, do you want me to let, mom, they're listening. Just go camping and cook like you do at home. me to let mom they're listening just go camping and cook like you do at home uh other big story is the united states postal service has been in the news

the uh postmaster general that's a weird title isn't it postmaster general not as weird as roastmaster general hey now lewisJoy testified before the Senate. He acknowledged that the changes he has made to the USPS have slowed mail delivery, but says he will not replace the sorting machines he has removed because they're not needed. Yeah, seems weird. Yeah, at this rate, at this rate, I don't know about voting for this election, but I'd start sending him in for 2024. You know, I'm going to I'm going to write in maybe Ellen. Wait, for what? To be what? To replace him? I know by the time it gets there, it's going to be 2024. So just think about who is going to be running. Maybe the the host from Ridiculousness. Yeah.

Pat Sajak. This whole mail thing. I know. And in very, very liberal Santa Monica. I don't know if I mentioned this last week, but they didn't remove this post, this mailbox. But everyone on that Nextdoor app, which is hysterical, was like, but it won't open. Like, I guess someone bolted it or something. Now, I do not know if it's official or if it was vandalized,

but people started freaking out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's going to happen. I would imagine there's going to be Trump supporters that start crazy gluing mailboxes shut. Well, they're being sued and, you know, the government, you know, it's a big issue. We'll see. Just everyone has to, no matter who you're voting for, vote earlier if you're voting by mail if you want your vote counted. Well, here's a letter we got from a postal worker. Greg, thanks for reading the report on the USPS in the latest Sunday Papers edition.

As a one-handed letter carrier for the United States Postal Service, the time is now to tell your friends to contact their local congressman to air their grievances pertaining to the United States Postal Service. Get the word out. Was that an email? It was an email. That doesn't help that person's cause. Also, it doesn't help the cause. Is there any irony in a one-handed postal worker warning about slowdowns at the post office? No, wait a minute. Was he hired?

Was he just hired? Is that the new hiring policy that's out there, Human Resources? Maybe that's the delivery guy who dropped my kid's Xbox 40 times on the way to delivering it a few years ago. So it didn't work. Hey, wait a minute. Is that a term? One handed like that's they got a sack. So they're they're called a one handed or is this we think a physically I got I'm scared to even attempt the phrase other abled. Is this an other abled male person? Is that a real phrase? Yeah, it is. Not disabled out. Other able. Yeah. Other. And by the way, I'm sure other abled is out at this point. Yeah. I can't keep I can't keep up. That's no criticism against the handicapped. I just took a giant

step back there. Sorry. That's no criticism against the, what I am calling other abled. I just, the phrases do get updated a lot and I do want to be accurate. I just don't know what it is. I think we need an app that you can go to at any time and find out what is the thing you can say about a racial group, somebody that's LBGTQ.

Is there a new letter on there? It should be updated every 30 seconds so I know. For now, let's just assume that this Negro tranny is handicapped. I can't hear you. It froze. Wait a minute. No, no. It was still working.

You don't do that. I know this was working. I know this got out there. Mike, your big story that you've been covering. Oh, what was it? Sturgis. Oh, my God. Well, on Thursday. So last Sunday, I read that accident blot or whatever it's called, the police report, the official one. And then on Thursday, I read more. And you thought I was continuing reading the same list. It was a whole new list

from Saturday. And, uh, it's unbelievable how many old people are wiping out on their motorcycles and none of them wearing helmets in Sturgis. It was kind of funny. So I guess go to Thursdays if you want that. But this one is coronavirus cases linked to Sturgis motorcycle rally have now reached across state lines to Nebraska, public health officials said. At least seven COVID-19 cases in Nebraska's panhandle region have been tied to the rally. Let me skip a little here. I think they tied it to a tattoo parlor. Is that right? Yeah, a tattoo parlor connected to a place called One-Eyed Jack's Saloon. Same building.

That can't lead to problems, can it? And it's called the Asylum. So you got the Asylum, and someone who wrote in goes, enjoy the names of the franchises, which is a very funny way. They sent us a link to this article. And then by the way, additionally, Minnesota has confirmed 15 cases connected to the rally. And then South Dakota announced that a person, yeah, it's the tattoo shop. Yeah. And that bar.

So you go to One Eye Jack's, you drink about a dozen Jack and Cokes. And there's no doubt when you go to that tattoo parlor, you're getting a One Eye Jack on your neck or your forearm. That's their go-to tattoo. Yeah, because you're not that creative when you're put on the spot. You're like, it's kind of like telling someone, draw something. It's like, all right, what am I looking at? What did I just see? Yeah. Um, but, uh, of course, you know, everyone saw this coming now. Listen, I don't know if those numbers are alarming. I mean, I do know kind of the geometric growth of

this is like, kind of like 15 friends tell 15 friends who tell 15 friends. That's how this kind of thing goes. So maybe those are shocking numbers. I just know they could have been so much worse if 65-year-old guys on motorcycles weren't taking themselves out of commission and removing themselves from any potential of catching the virus by driving into ravines and ditches. It's unbelievable. Maybe that's what we have to do. Any large gatherings, we need to just hand out Harley Davidsons.

Yeah. Maybe they're listening to us. We're like, listen, that's going to be a super spreader. And these guys listening to that on his hog as he's driving into town, he's like, not for me, drives right into another motorcycle.

Right into the embankment. Let's go to not for me. Drives right into another motorcycle. Right into the embankment. Let's go to International, Mike. I like that. International. Russia. Not cool. A plane carrying a Russian dissident who was in a coma after a suspected poisoning

navalny this guy navalny a 44 year old politician and corruption investigator who is one of russian president vladimir putin's fiercest critics he went into icu in omsk on Thursday. His supporters believe that tea he drank was laced with poison and that the Kremlin is behind it. Most Russians have no doubt that that is exactly what happened. You know, this isn't the first poisoning by tea even. Oh, yeah, that's right. I actually on Twitter, it was very interesting because, anyway, I follow former world chess

champion. I'm spacing on his name, Garry Kasparov. And Kasparov is really very astute politically. But anyway, he has been linking to these articles that show how many people have been poisoned. There's also a list of how many have fallen out of tall buildings, out the window, who have been critics and outspoken or even potential candidates against Putin. But this poisoning is a very, very long list. Yeah, and it's just so brazen.

It's like they don't give a fuck they just go i mean that that one guy who was poisoned while he was in london you remember that um picture they have pictures of another guy poison and he had like like actually a remarkably strong face like clear complexion all it's ravaged. There's pock marks, creases, almost burned. It looks like charcoal on his face. This poison truly

burns his body from the inside. You need something strong. If you're going to poison a Russian with the food and the vodka that they're used to in their systems, you have to put a lot of fucking poison in there. And there's different things. There's like uranium or something.

There are radioactive elements that they were suspecting, or at least maybe on the last one. Anyway, so do you know when he was in Omsk or wherever the town is, a charity out of Germany was like, we have to get him. He's going to die there. We have to get him. He's going to die there. We have to get him. And he was in a coma. And then Omsk put a lot of pressure on this party line saying he's too fragile to move now.

Wait a few more days. Then you can take him to Germany. And the huge suspicion was they were waiting till the poison could no longer be traceable before releasing him to an independent hospital. Right. Right. It's like when you go to a strip club and you stay out a few hours extra afterwards to try to get that perfume and glitter off of you before you go home. Hi, honey. I told you that. I've told that story before, but one time I left a strip club here in L.A. Anyway, and it the smell was so crazy strong. And I remember like watching Tony Soprano come home and like sneaking in and taking his shirt off.

And then but she knew all his moves. So she would smell his shirts, you know, in the in the laundry pile before she would do it. smell his shirts, you know, in the, in the laundry pile before she would do it. But I was like, no, no, this is, this is like a marriage ender or at least a giant conversation. And I'm like, this is crazy. And I remember like, what are my options? It's like one in the morning. Like I can't go buy a shirt. I can't walk in without my shirt on. And I literally was, I was like, I got to go to a gas station and pour gas all over me and just say there was a giant mishap as I filled up. And also what is mobile gas station doing with all this glitter in their fuel?

That seems weird. Are those, those little peptides or whatever that keep my engine running clean? And, and, and why did the gas gas station attendant give me his phone number? And why is his name Robin? So weird. There must have been lipstick on the handle. It's all smeared on my neck and ears. And why do I feel so guilty about this?

I mean, I just got gas. I just, why can't I look you in the eye? I got gas. Do you know how expensive that gas was? It was like 280 bucks. Oh, thank God they have those ATM machines at the gas stations. Yeah. Next story.

Funny money. Let's go to Amsterdam. Funny bucks. Mike, you want to talk about Amsterdam? Sure, I will. Where are we? Oh, yeah. The city of Amsterdam is going green in an attempt to combat an age-old problem. What is that age-old problem? Public urination. Two words should not go together. Well, they have other two-word description of it, which I had never heard. These planner-like urinals are Amsterdam's answer to the huge problem of, quote, wild peeing.

That's what they call it. The local council has installed eight hemp-filled, sustainable urinals in the city's wild peeing hotspots. Hotspots is a very, very proper term here. At first glance, the urinals, called green peas. There's so many phrases in here. Look like traditional planters with greenery sprouting from the top, but look more closely and you'll notice an opening in the side. This is the target zone for urination. Now, I saw this planter. Maybe we'll call up a picture of it. But it clearly men are doing most of the wild peeing.

I don't know how a woman, it's kind of like, it's a urinal. Yeah. I don't know. It's not the most user-friendly thing. We've talked about women's problem. I've seen a lot of wild peeing. I used to be a bar back at a bar and there was a lot of female wild peeing. Well, listen, the results positive.

It reduced wild peeing by Well, listen, the results positive reduced. It reduced wild peeing by 50 percent already. Wow. Yeah. So I do know there's a problem now of people because all the restaurants are closed and of course they don't want anyone running in. And so wild peeing is a problem in Los Angeles and I think every city in America now because they don't want you in there. Yet they are serving tons of drinks in the parking lot and all that stuff. Well, you know, maybe we should take their lead and we can, you know, go to a ceramics place and design some pots and then put this type of sustainable hemp. Oh, I know we could do.

We could get urinals. That's the other. I mean, that seems outside the box, but. What do you mean? Why don't they just get urinals? Why are they going to all this fucking expense and trouble to put these potted plants out there? No, because they're on the sidewalks. Yeah, but put a urinal on the sidewalk. With no disguise, no like children children children think they're planters that yeah that

men are humping and and it's hemp so people are smoking it later but uh have you ever been arrested for public urination because that that's that's a very big one. Is it a lot of, yeah, I once, I once got really close. I started to go, felt a flashlight on me. The line was so long, like in the bar. And then we were leaving anyway. And then before we were getting in the car, I'm like, I'm just, and actually coincidentally, it was kind of a planter on the side of this bar, like in the alley. And and I felt the light on me and I immediately raised both hands, not in any way to show I didn't have a weapon to show like not doing it. I'm not doing it. I thought about it. I'm not doing it. And, you know, zipped up and got the hell out of there. I wonder if when white people throw up their hands when they see a cop it's to go hey totally this is me what's happening joe yeah um you know i saw this really interesting clip this week it was fran

lebowitz you know her the nanny no no oh fran lebowitz yeah the writer in new york yes the York. Yes. The very, very funny writer and white. And she wrote When Harry Met Sally, I think. She was in that? No, I think she wrote it. No, I don't think so. I think she did. Nope. That's Nora Ephron, I think. Oh, you're right. So another Jewish female, white New York writer. But Fran is, I think, I mean, at one point we were calling her a lesbian. Maybe she still identifies as that. But anyway, she dresses, she'll even tell you, she dresses very much. She's quirky. She looks similar physically to Jon Stewart, I think.

But anyway, she told a story, which I'll slaughter now. She went, it was with like Maya Angelou or it might've been Toni Morrison to Stockholm. She's receiving the Nobel prize of literature. And when she's there at the, she's at one end of the table and she tells a story. She's surrounded by a lot of African Americans and, or maybe European ones as well. Anyway, it's impossible to tell a story these days. So anyway, she goes, she just started to tell some story. She doesn't even remember what it was. And she's like, well, if I were black and they died laughing and she's like, you know, I'm used to making people laugh with what I said, but usually I understand why. And she had no idea why. And, uh, it was basically like, you kind of can't say that

because you absolutely can't imagine if you were like black, like for you to say that is kind of crazy. You know, they, they died laughing. They didn't take it as a microaggression or an aggression, but she was like, that is so she's like, then it was explained to me. Like she's like, I then had flashbacks my whole life. I remember being in New York city. All I would do seemingly is yell at police officers. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Closing down this street?

Like, like, and she's like, I'm not talking about like seeing a beating and yelling at him. I would yell at them for anything. Like if they were stopping traffic and she's like, and I was walking with my friend who was black and they were like, what are you doing? What do you mean? And she's like, and I knew fully well I could yell out. Now he's totally ignoring me, but he's not going to beat me up, arrest me or maybe try to kill me like that.

That I just knew through bone deep that I knew that would not happen. Anyway, it was very interesting. And I know a lot of those have come out over the last few months. Anyway, it was very interesting. I mean, I know a lot of those have come out over the last few months. Well, do you think on the SATs that this could be a question? Fran Lebowitz is to Nora Ephron what Maya Angelou is to Toni Morrison? No. Doesn't make any sense.

Okay. Let's go on to— But nice roundup of all the names. Let's go to entertainment. All right. This is a creepy one. Uh-oh. Which one? Netflix.

Oh, geez. Yeah, Netflix. I thought you were going to do... We had Ellen also, right? No, you got to close with Ellen. You don't open with Ellen. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Netflix. I thought you were going to do. We had Ellen also. Right now you got to close with Ellen. You don't open with Ellen factor somehow, but they really are. I sent you the picture earlier. It's going to be up here when this podcast gets produced, I guess. But like, you know, the arching of the back and sticking out the butt and it is like a sexualized imagery for sure. And I just think Netflix, it was probably just their algorithm. Like, listen,

you want to know what show did really well? That Jeffrey Epstein documentary? Yeah, right. So I think we know the angle on this show about young wannabe starlets who are very young. Yeah. Let's do it. It's disturbing. And there's some things I don't really joke about. Like this is a topic that is pretty taboo. And if you like if you look at the hot one on the left, the pouty lips and the legs that go on for seems like forever. It seems immoral. Wait, mine. I don't know why I'm tapping my mic because my ear.

No, Mike. Mike. No. Mike, the one on the right, the blonde. She's presenting like a baboon in the wild. It makes me feel like something's wrong. Did you move on to Ellen? Yes. All right, good. I didn't know I went out for a little bit. Ellen's presenting like a baboon with her genitals flared up.

I don't know if her name is Ellen. She has much longer hair. All right. Ellen is back in the news, but she's got a friend this time. Sofia Vergara. Vergara, isn't it? Vergara. She probably doesn't even pronounce it right.

It's the feminine. Yeah. So she went to Twitter to set the record straight. A clip surfaced on Twitter earlier this week that showed DeGeneres commenting about Vergara's accent on several occasions. Vergara on Friday tweeted a link to the full clip of one of the segments mentioned and defended DeGeneres' jokes. Quote, two comedians having fun with each other to entertain. I was never a victim, guys. I was always in on the joke.

In the video, they chatted about shooting a CoverGirl commercials together. In on the joke. It's Vergara's only joke. You think she's going to let that be taken away from her? Right. And here's the joke. She's Charo. Let's get you.

Come on. that be taken away from her right and here's the joke she's charo let's get you come on ellen says they give her the hardest lines too because we have to describe what's in the cover girl makeup and she has such a hard time pronouncing any of the ingredients ha ha ha the jokes speak for themselves they kind of destroy would you, that seems like an easy joke, but do you know how many interns the head writer had a fondle to get to that rich material? Yeah, it's like burning fuel. It's like how many interns did it take to come up with that one?

That's a two-intern bit. It sure is. Well, she officially fired some big people on the show. She addressed the staff on a conference call on Monday, apologized for allowing the show to run like a machine instead of seeing them as people. She announced executive producers Ed Glavin, Ed the Gloves Glavin, Kevin Lehman, and Jonathan Norman

had, quote, parted ways with the daytime talk show. Well, that's an interesting way of putting it. Yeah, parting ways. Yeah, we're going to head this way towards jobs. You guys are going to head that way to the unemployment office. We're just heading in a different direction. Also, shame. You're going to go that way towards shame and derision,

hopefully in the media and all that stuff. Yeah. You're going to go in the direction of job interviews where the first question is always, so what's Ellen really like? That's your direction. Now they're going to be asking you what you're really like. Here, Ellen, I got this bit. Hear me out.

Firing people seems like a weird thing to call it. I mean, you don't literally light them on fire. You just, you know, gently push them under a bus to cover up how you created a toxic work environment. Of course. Let me get with an intern. Let me polish that up with an intern. Is there an empty editing bay? Yeah. Jimmy, meet empty editing bay? Yeah.

Jimmy, meet me in bay two. We got to polish up this firing chunk. The premises are so easy. Why do they still call them typos? Shouldn't they call them textos? Can you go sit on that young innocent boy's lap and grind him until you get something out of that premise we got to find the edge we got to walk the edge on that on that you know just morsel of a of a bit right now it's just a seed but we i think we can make it grow like

you're gonna make that guy grow well you know ke Kevin Lehman is still there, the head writer, and he's the guy that said sometimes, wait, no, Kevin's gone. Kevin's gone. Kevin parted ways also. So who's, which way did Kevin go? Kevin, where are you going? Oh, he's very, he's very, he's very forthcoming with which way he goes. Sports. which way he goes. Sports!

Sports, let's do it. We're ripping through the Sunday paper today, Mike. I kind of like it. Record time. Yeah. We got a lot of science, though, to get through. This is the science section. Oh, no.

Sorry, sports. Yeah. Oh, good. Oh, oh good phew yeah turn back a section okay all right you have uh do you have the letter hey guys love the show but i think you made your first mistake this past this past sunday this could have gone in the mistake section too we're trying to spread them out so it doesn't look as bad. I hope they're not from Wales. Go ahead. Mike criticized a news report that didn't say Washington Redskins but said Washington's NFL football team. This wasn't done out of political correctness, as Mike claimed, but because the NFL team from Washington is no longer called the Redskins.

The new name hasn't been decided yet, so they're going by the Washington football team until they settle on a new name. Sorry to break your streak of perfection, and thanks for the funny show. Best, EV. I don't think I was—this was news to me that that is their, basically, official moniker right now. But I don't know if I phrased it like they were doing that out of being PC. Maybe I did because it's, it's still unbelievable to me that their name I think is the Washington

football team. Like, I think I looked that up. I think that is their name. That's crazy. Like that's almost like a, they're doing that to spite people like who have made them change the name. Oh,

okay. So you know what we're going to do? We need a lot of time to think about this. It's not that easy to come up with a name as great as Redskins. So we, um, fine. Just call us the Washington.

Yeah. We know there's a state called Washington and it'll probably be confusing. Just call us the Washington. Yeah, we know there's a state called Washington and it'll probably be confusing. Just call us the Washington football team. Yeah, that's what we're going to make you do while we think about this. Right, right. It's like that's crazy. Maybe they should call themselves the football team formerly known as Washington Redskins. I think that'll show progress.

I think it's baked into the title. I like that a lot. I think that'll show progress. I think it's baked into the title. I like that a lot. Or maybe they should just go with a total minimalist thing and not have a name and just come out with either a white uniform on home games, black uniform on away games.

No name? Just no name. Huh. Or Metta World Peace? Oh, yeah. Something something weird. The Washington has never been given names. You know, their their basketball team used to be called the Washington Bullets. And, you know, at the time they were the highest homicide rate in the country. So they write it to the senators. There's that. But then there's also, you know, The Clash had a very, very good song that was on Sandinista called Washington Bullets,

and Joe Strummer then was told, do you know that is like an American professional basketball team? He had no idea. He was talking about the CIA killing people around the world. Wow. Yep. It's the Washington Bullets killing Sandinistas and, you know, all that stuff. Huh.

Yeah. It seems like British punk rock, you know, Elvis Costello, The Clash. They talked more about American politics in a more honest way than any American bands were talking about. Right. You know, I mean, Oliver's Army, Elvis Costello's song, Oliver's Army, about Oliver North. Wasn't it Cromwell? No. I don't know.

No. I do know this. I grew up with a very healthy, unfounded hatred of Margaret Thatcher because of Elvis Costello and Sinead O'Connor. Really? And the clash. But, I mean, the clash were a little before her time, but a real disdain of a lot of the prime ministers over there.

Well, she was really shitty to the British in Northern Ireland, to the Irish in Northern Ireland. Oh, she was shitty to plenty of English as well. If you were below, she was Reagan. You know what I mean? Yeah. She really was Ronald Reagan. They were buddies.

Yeah, but she allowed the British paramilitary to basically, the paramilitary was being covered and supported by the army and the police, the English army and police. They were supporting the terrorist groups, the British terrorist groups. It was fucking ugly. Yeah. Anyway, other sports.

Do we have other sports? I don't think we do. I don't know. Well, the NBA, they're still playing like they're not getting laid. They're still playing, shooting the lights out. There's no way they're not jerking each other off at this point. I guarantee it's prison system in there. You're in the children's ward of the hospital, Greg.

How many times do we have to remind you of your foul mouth? Good Lord. She didn't say she was in the children's ward. I forgot we did the Ellen intern thing. Oh, the poor kids. Oh, they're going to learn a lot. Hopefully she's in the death wing of the children's hospital. And they can read our lips.

Do not show the YouTube clip. Right. She should ask for that every Sunday. On Sundays, can I get the deaf wing? Yeah. Let's go to science. It's probably not even called death anymore. All right, yeah.

We got a big, chunky science section. Alzheimer's. What's going on with Alzheimer's? I love this headline, I have to say. First of all, I'm convinced I'm going to get it, not only because, you know, I walk into rooms holding my car keys, looking for them and stuff like that all the time, but my grandmother had it aggressively.

They didn't have a name for it yet, but she, I think, got it in her late 50s. And she was dead by her early 60s. Bad. So my mom, you know, my mom's pretty funny. She like she doesn't try to be funny. She's just really funny and kind of negative in that way. But my mom does the crossword on the treadmill and by the way and i'm not joking yeah she used to a lot i think they got rid of the treadmill now but she is constantly her drive which we all should have to get the fluids going because we really are automobiles we built the automobile in our image

and if your car sits for a while, it really is bad news for the car. You've got to keep those fluids going, get the toxins out. And she believes that aeration, oxygenation of the brain through cardiovascular will help her, perhaps with her inevitable in her mind, Alzheimer's. So anyway, I read this and it was comforting. Morning people linked with, this is the headline, morning people are linked with higher risk of Alzheimer's disease. Those at higher- Good. Huh? Good. Right? Yeah. Those at higher genetic risk of Alzheimer's disease are more likely to call themselves a morning person. First of all, that also covers people who identify as a morning person, even if they're not. Take them also. Take them also.

And then, Gregory, this might interest you. Researchers have also found that people who have a greater risk of developing the progressive condition are less likely to have insomnia. Oh, well, so there's a more great upside. So it's so it's like, wow, slept like a log last night. Well, then again, I went to sleep in the fireplace. So, I mean, I guess that makes sense. Also, Greg, you haven't gotten to bed yet. It's 10 p.m.

You're walking. We just found you on the street in your slippers. Making fun of dementia. Man, I slept like a baby last night. Someone change my diaper real quick. And, Greg, you may want to get out of that woman's arms. She's on the bus. You're just curling up in there in the fetal position, touching her breast. Um, the, you know what, do you, do you think it's, do you think there is a correlation here between, uh,

an active mind? Cause your insomnia is probably similar to mine. I can't stop compulsive thoughts or obsessing a big, a big thing I do while staring at the ceiling is you'll never work again. You'll never work again. You'll never work again. So that that's going on. I'm trying to think of ways I can work again and be a provider for my family, you know, and stuff like that. So versus the person who's like, snoring right away. Yeah. Um, I don't know. I think Aaron falls asleep within seconds and I think she has a pretty clear mind. Yeah. And you know, what's on that clear mind, pretend I'm asleep. So this guy doesn't throw a move on me. Can't be clearer than that. She's not asleep, by the way. I thought we were trying to get the juices flowing.

Come on, honey. Hey, Miss Alzheimer's. Yeah. Listen. I know how to clear that head. Roll over. But when you— Oh, man, I threw a move this morning.

Did you? Yeah. I pulled my underwear down in bed, and I put her hand on it, Oh, man, I threw a move this morning. Did you? Yeah. I pulled my underwear down in bed, and I put her hand on it, and then she took my underwear, she pulled it up, and she pushed my penis back down into the underwear, and then I just got up, made some coffee. And you came immediately. I came immediately.

Sorry, hospital. That's a safe word. They don't know what that means. I guess we're assuming it's children, but I guess adults would know what it means. I hope she's not the Alzheimer's wing. It was so perfunctory. It was like she was putting something away in the silverware drawer. There was not even a chance.

It was like you're just standing there, just a complete slob, and you burp and spit up on your shirt. She's like, all right, wipes your shirt off, fucking wipes your chin. Yeah. Yeah. She feels a little sorry for you. That's a little sad chapter. Yeah.

Must have been a little challenging knocking one out after she left the room with all that sadness. Yeah, she pretends that she's falling asleep at night, and in the morning she pretends she's got something to do immediately. It's great. Oh, my God, I fell asleep early. I had so much to do. What am I, the guy who says his wife doesn't want to have sex with him now? Did I become that comedian? No, I'm the guy who says his wife doesn't want to have sex with him now? Did I become that comedian? No, I'm the guy tagging you with that.

I'm the one. That's my that's my bit on you, because I know Aaron and I don't like to think of her that way. Now, I don't like to think of her as intertwined with you. No, she's not like that. She's she's Jewish. Jewish women enjoy their sex. It's the Catholic women have a big fucking hang-up about sex. There's a lot of blowjobs that don't feel right,

and they have to be in the mood. Jewish women are like, it's life. Sex is life. It's part of it. I don't know why you keep breaking it down into religion, because soon, is this the segue into our next story, which is soon there will be two categories, which are human women and robot women. Let's go to business. No. Oh, yeah. OK, we're going to do that in business.

We keep it in science. All right. But just know that just know that we had a business section. Oh, yeah. In science, we got one more story. OK, which one? The mini heart. I love this headline. There's not much to this story. I just love it. The headline was scientists grow the first functioning mini human heart. Michigan State University researchers have created for the first time a miniature human heart model in the laboratory, complete with all primary heart cell types and a functioning structure of chambers and vascular tissue. And this just was such a feel good story because all I want is a little heart. That's it. I just, just my, I care too much now. I'm too empathetic.

I stay up at night thinking about how to support my family. I care about others. I worry. Give me a little heart. I just want a little. That day, it's like the Grinch. That day, Gibbons' heart shrank 10 sizes. I'm going to Michigan. I think they modeled it on Dick Cheney. They opened him up.

They did a sketch. They tried. By the way, that was a continued experiment. Is he on his third heart? I think so. I think there have been two. Yeah. Maybe. Since. Write us your letters. Correct us on that. I get it. Chaney doesn't have a heart.

But maybe he has a little heart. I like that one a lot. It is encouraging, by the way. It's the number one killer. Heart disease? Yep. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, my dad died at 53. I am now 54.

So fuck him. Rubbing it right in his face. Yeah, right in his fucking dirty face. Well, he had, I brought up your dad when I went in to get my usual routine. But, you know, I then got a stress test because it was a very easy thing they do, not going into it too long, but they do a calcium, you know, whatever I think, or it's called a plaque test. It's super easy. You can go at lunch.

You can even be chewing a sandwich while they do it. Like there's zero downtime. And they measure it, then they give you a score. And so my doctor then called me about it and was like, this is like two years ago, and was like, okay, listen, you're not that bad. We wouldn't even be having this conversation, except your plaque buildup is in an area that we call the widow maker. And I'm like, is that a medical term? Because maybe I should have studied medicine because I think I could do that with those terms. I thought it was a lot of Latin. Yeah. But I didn't get stressed out because I had completely out thought them and I'm divorced. So

there ain't going to be no, it's not a widow maker for me. Right. Right. And this morning when I had my hand on my penis, my wife said it was on my baby maker. Let's go to business, Mike. It was on your marriage record. What is this about a robot? Oh, wow. So we kept it in the business. Sure. So why have to find the robot story this is my first week doing it on hard copy which you think i like oh i read such a good description i know it's really old someone this week was talking about like no no no that guy's really old school like some company was getting replacing like the new maybe it was even comedy central like but some new thing but they got some guy and they're like,

no, no, he's still a print your email type of guy. I love that description. Well, you know, Bill Murray, the only way to communicate with Bill Murray, say you're Judd Apatow or you're, you know, a major producer. If you want to send an offer to Bill Murray, you fax it.

He has a fax machine in, I think it's in his house. And there's one number. He's had it for 30 years. And that's how he accepts offers. That's hysterical. All right, let me go back. Let me find this. I got it.

Let me read it. I love this. Let me find this. I got it. Let me read it. Because you read it. I love this. Sex robot customer vows to, quote, never date again after AI develops perfect woman. In her book, author Jenny Kleeman delves into the world of men purchasing silicone girlfriends. In my real doll could, if my real doll could cook clean and screw whenever I wanted, I'd never date again, he wrote.

Yeah. Yeah. You think a robot is going to tuck you back into your shorts in the morning and leave dismissively? No. Wait, you're saying you want that? Yeah. My little tiny new heart wants a silicon. Now, here, read. I remember read the next part.

There's only one more little paragraph. When you become used to. So hold on. This is the woman kind of summing up one of the big ideas in the book. And she's she was fearing that empathy. In other words, if it gets pretty perfect, it's going to be a hard thing to combat. Go ahead. When you become used to having relationships with something that doesn't have free will, that doesn't have independent ambitions or in-laws or friends you don't like, then going out and having relationships with human beings and using empathy is going to be harder work. You think? I mean, by the way, the way she does worded that, because of course I'm reading the whole article like there is no substitution for a real human. Like what? Even with my tiny new heart, there's no substitution, blah, blah, blah.

And then you get to that. You're like in-laws, friends I don't like. But I have to watch. I have to watch Orange is the New Black. Forget it. Like, no way. I'm surprised anybody. And look, this is coming from a guy who's 31 years married. As you know, couldn't be happier. Right. But for somebody that has a bad divorce, how do you ever get married again once you have the freedom as somebody who has got some money in the bank and your cars are paid off and your kids are grown up? How do you go back into another marriage? I don't understand that. You've clearly shown it's not your strength.

Well, it's not only that. Someone described marriage as this amazing fortress with an equal number of people on the outside trying to get in and on the inside trying to get out. And, um, and so when you're married, you're so envy, you know, I said, one of the hardest things about my divorce was the envy from all my married friends. And like, you know, like when they came over that loft, I got it first. So like, Oh my God, do you sell memberships? Can I stick the Tuesday night poker night right here? Yeah. So, you know, night poker night right here? Yeah. So, you know, I don't mean to make light of it. It was very hard.

And no, but the point is, like, I think that it is easy to get jealous of the freedom and the independence that you have once you're once you're divorced. Oh, my God. I remember having such envy of gay couples who didn't have children. Just like, you know, typically the ones I was around, they were double earners, no children. And then, you know, when you're in the thick of it, it's just a hemorrhage. And by the way, this is not private school talk or anything like that. It is just kids are expensive. Yeah.

The doctor and whatever it is, the food, everything. Travel, forget about it. But even taking elitist things away like travel and private schools, even taking that away every it's just a truism. They're so expensive, which puts stress, especially when you're in a business like staring at the ceiling saying I'm never working again. Like when you're in this business, like it's it's a real pressure. I just love you being so jealous of the gay guys with no kids that you just show up one day at their con. OK, what are we doing, guys? What's going on? Little brunch. Yeah. Brunch. Maybe go see go see Donnie's one man show.

Hey, hey, let's we got nothing to do. Let's go catch the sunset. You go catch the sunset. You go back to their place. All right, what are we doing now? Where do we got going now? No wonder it's so fabulous, everything they do. They can afford it. I don't get champagne at brunch. It's called breakfast, and it's all over the kitchen.

It's all over me and the kids, and it's a mess. They're having fabulous brunches. Let's keep drinking. Let's watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Then all of a sudden, it's 11 o'clock at night. You're like, all right, what do we got now? What are we doing now, guys? This has been great.

We're going to lose straight pants here. Should we watch another movie? No, no. The Washington football team is playing. No, Mike, now's the time where we blow each other. Oh, is that what this big build has been going to? This is where we fuck you in the ass. Wait a minute. Who said I'm on the receiving end?

But by the way, okay. All right. After a day like that, sold. That's all it takes? Yeah, right. Yeah, no problem. You want to dance. You got to pay the fiddler. No problem at all. But also this back to the robot story. I don't think these people like these guys are like, yep, I'm signing up. If this thing will have sex with me whenever I want cook clean, but I'm like, you know, you know, the typical trajectory of an AI story, which is, uh, they're not going to be

doing that for long. Cause they're going to figure out they got the shitty end of the stick and they're infinitely smarter than you. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine the me too movement with AI robots. Like he said, she said, oh, really? Well, why don't I play back what you said? In fact, I have the whole video recorded in my so-called brain of when you violated me. Yeah. And treated me like a non-human. I also have your text message to Johnny telling him how you just degraded me. And don't even don't even get me started on your music playlist, which is total shit and misogynist. Yeah. All right. Let's do some Ask Amy. I like this one. Dear Amy, a couple of years ago, an acquaintance of ours hosted a dinner party.

I was only acquainted, she likes that word, with half the people there. I don't know if it's a she, I shouldn't say that. The hostess didn't make introductions. One person present was someone I had met a few times. I'll call her Jane. I knew that Jane had a partner, Joan, whom I had only met once years before. At one point, I stared across the table because I was trying to determine if this was Jane's brother or if Joan was transitioning to male. I admit that I feel bad for staring, but I was trying to figure out if we had met.

We spoke briefly afterward, and they made no attempt to reintroduce themselves to me. After they left, the hostess explained that Joan was now John, and how they hate to have to explain themselves or their pronoun, which is they. I tried to joke, quote, I didn't get the memo, to which the hostess replied, it wasn't my memo to send. I think the hostess could have spared some social awkwardness with one quick sentence privately like, Joan is John now, deal with it, which would have been fine with me. I am still angry with the hostess for leaving us floundering as to who was at the party. What do you think, signed befuddled guest?

What do you think? Signed, befuddled guest. What do you think, Greg? Well, I think, yeah, you pull somebody aside and you say, Joan is now John. And if you have anything to say at all, just tell her he looks handsome. This, we'll lose some listeners with this one probably. But isn't this kind of like the people like, I don't see color, which is a stupid thing to say. Because you're denying that this person is black here and everything they've gone through, by the way. Right. And all the blind spots it creates to not see color. Well, are you not going to see someone who's transitioned, especially like during it?

And you're not going to be honest that, oh, hey, like, why can't you be real about it? Well, I think it's tough. I mean, and why are you getting pissed off? You have a very, very unusual. I'm getting angry. You have a very unusual pronoun. They you're going to get pissed off every time. Well, why is it upon them to make you comfortable? What if they just want to be comfortable themselves and they want to be who they are and not have the same conversation with a bunch of people that are uninformed about their situation? That's boring for them. For them. Yeah, they.

Oh, no, no. Okay. You're saying don't go to this dinner party then. I get that. No. I'm saying let them go to the dinner party and let you figure it out. I mean, that's part of the fun, isn't it?

Like if a guy shows up with a younger woman, they don't have to sit at the table and she doesn't have to say, well, I had a, you know, I had an uncle with friendly hands when I was about 12. So I'm attracted to older men.

You don't break down your relationship so everybody else can figure it out. Is that his daughter? It's part of the guessing game. That's what's fun about strangers. I like your, yeah, it's kind of like that

playing like Mafia or something. Okay, someone at the table used to be a woman. That's why we're having this dinner party. It's game night. No, but also the hostess is just so stupid how about the line uh it wasn't my memo to give you just gave the memo you idiot right right right you did it after the party she enjoyed it she enjoyed it she wanted the power to tell you later let me watch this new as if she's more evolved just because she had the information she gave gave the memo. Exactly. But I do think like before it'd be like, hey, by the way, a little heads up.

Joan is now John. Like, of course. Right. What if what if Joan or John had a crazy stammer where they yelled, hey, earphones in the hospital, headphones in the hospital right now. But let's say all of a sudden they developed some Tourette's where they had a new friend, John or Joan with Tourette's. And the person just yelled cunt. Right. So, by the way, we can't harsh on them.

That's a medical affliction. That's totally sacred. You can't go there. But how about a little heads up? Yeah. Joan's going to be dropping the C word like 50 times during appetizers. Right. Right. Just give me a little heads up so I'm not befuddled trying to figure out what's going on here, but I have to respect it and not ask, which is cool.

Or maybe it's not cool. Ask. It's human. I think it's more fun to not know. I don't want to know. I want to fucking guess. Then you can drive.

What's the best part about having a dinner party with strangers is the drive home where you each have your hypothesis and you each have your guesses. And it's fun. It's fun. Yeah. If you tell me everything at the party, I got nothing to talk to my spouse about on the drive home. See, that's where we're different at the party. I ask everybody if they're black.

So I don't like I don't like the suspense. Then there's a lot more to talk about on the ride home. Trust me. If you do it my way, there's a ton more. And by the way, that car ride also. They should know people are going to have questions. And by the way, that car ride happens a lot earlier. So you get to that juicy part sooner.

All right, listen, let's get to some listener mails, then we got to wrap it up soon. Holy crap, yeah. Let's do it. This one comes in, our first letter. I seem to have a crush on you two. Wait a minute. Joanne.

This continues to happen. Yeah. Every single week. Yeah. What are we on? Week 25? By the way, is this our 25th? Is that what you're saying it is?

I can look it up right now. I can tell you. I think it might be, which is, dude, that's over half a year. Over half a year and we've made, what's our total income so far? Next week, I guess. I'm not great at math. I guess next week is exactly half a year. That's if we did 52 shows.

We have not missed a show since we began. And hold on. I'll tell you, we are at Sunday Papers. I'm just checking our money. You keep looking. I'm going to thank people for listening. Just so you know, we read all the letters. They come in and like they're so heartfelt. You know, obviously you call us out on corrections, you bastards a lot. But there's also a crop of them that are so heartfelt. And I don't know, like we just decided to do this and didn't didn't expect this. You know, this many people to be enjoying it, I guess. And it's it's it's just great. Yeah, I'm just riffing here while i'm just filling no it is the 25th i think it's it's apropos that we're saying this now because it

is the 25th and you know i've been doing fitz dog radio for like 11 years and i've been in a routine with it i love sitting down with different comics every week and having a hour-long conversation usually with people that are friends that are funny, but to be able to sit down with you, especially during quarantine every week and just fucking have fun. It's like, it's like the highlight of my week. It's great.

It is. It's really, really been cool. It's keeping our sanity as well, I think. Yeah. And you know, we're trying to avoid,

you know, the, it's just, oh man, this thing is going on so long and it doesn't really who knows how long it'll go on for. But trying to avoid those stories and just, you know, the other news still happens and calling out the BS where we see it, hopefully, and trying to have a big tent. We do get people commenting on our politics sometimes. But you know what? commenting on our politics sometimes. But you know what? People are allowed to have a slightly different opinion than you. And you can

still listen to their podcast. It works. I know. Like, yeah, and I love how people are trying to figure out my politics, but whatever. Like, that's great. That means I'm confusing, which is the goal. One other letter is I've been listening to the podcast from the beginning,

got your audio book, and made my wife listen to it with me on a long trip years ago. Met you in Philly a few years ago when you performed. Really enjoying the Sunday papers with you and Mike. While I appreciate the attempt at a quick 20 minutes on the Thursday episode, I tend to wish they would last a little longer, and I'm glad when you both get sidetracked and run over. Love to hear more every week uh all the best michael so well just so you guys know uh thursday paper that's just that's just a little catch-up that's because people want another episode we can't do another episode i've already got childish every week i've got fitz dog radio every week and uh and we're both working on scripts. But we do want to put out a little bit extra. So we do the Thursday. I'll do one. I don't need to, Greg.

I'm going to do one. I have a lot of science stories about sex robots and urinals. Hey, by the way, back to the urinal, just because it's an ADD hour. This is what I was getting at when I asked if you've ever been arrested for peeing publicly. So these things, hopefully we've put up a picture by now. These things you pee on on the street, you're exposing. So do you know about people who have drunkenly or just absentmindedly peed, but it happens to be near a school? they are charged as a sex crime against a juvenile for taking their sex organ out, you know, exposing themselves, even if no child saw it. And then they have the pedophile label attached to them forever. Which means every time you move, you got to knock on every door in your neighborhood

and tell them that you're a sex offender. Right. Which is why whenever I'm near a school with my penis out, I do not pee. That's the key. It's just not urinate. Yeah. Don't add that beautiful icing to this shit cake. So, you know, also people, renters, by the way, I know we're getting way off track now,

but if you rent to a registered sex offender, your apartment is in the sex registry and it's really hard to get it out of there. No shit. Yes. Even if the owner has nothing to do with it or if the owner hasn't been caught yet. I also think when you're a sex offender and you get out of jail, you have to move back to where you lived before. You have to live in the same area you lived in before. Are you making that you're making that up? No, I think that's true. When you,

when you're released for a certain period of time, you have to return to the scene of the crime. What's that? You have to return to the scene of the crime. Somebody correct me, but that's what I heard. So the neighbors with the children who are violated, they love that rule. Yeah.

The creep, like the creep's house. Everyone knew it was the creep's house. Thank God that's over. Oh no, it's mandated. He has to move back to our block. these gentrified neighborhoods in Brooklyn, if you live in Bed-Stuy and you're some hipster who's dressed as Abe Lincoln,

all of a sudden, these guys are getting out of jail. They're moving in upstairs, back where they lived. Not right. Well, in Amsterdam, let's see how it goes. Men are going to be exposing themselves in the middle of the street. I don't know how that's going to go. Sunday funnies.

We hit it. We're there. Okay, this is from Beetle Bailey we've been kind of talking about Beetle Bailey because there's a woman in there named Mrs. Buxley or I think it's Miss Buxley she's the

fucking smoking hottie that works on the army base with Beetle and Sarge and all the other lunkheads. And so this is her. They're always sexualizing her. It makes sense she's a Miz. Keep it wholesome. She's at the department store, and she's at the makeup counter, and she says, how is this perfume?

And the woman says, this fragrance says says let's go out for dinner and dancing and then hot ass miss buxley looks at her with a little sly look on her face and says how about this one and the lady goes it says let's just forget the dinner and dancing hey now everybody in the sunday comics is getting laid. Sexy military story there. Yeah. Then we got I love the I love the Lockhorns. There's no irony to it. There's no fucking critique.

I'm just going to read you a funny comic. Leroy, who just is a piece of shit to his wife, is sitting on the couch. She's on the chair with her arms crossed and a frown, a full frown. As Leroy talks to this guy and his smoking out wife, he's way too close to her. And he says, Loretta and I complete each other's sentences because we have the same

conversations every night. That's a pretty good joke. Why doesn't she leave him? That's a pretty good joke. Now, that guy's great. What's his name? Hoster Reiner. Something Reiner.

Yeah. All right. Here he is. Hager. You love him. You don't want to love him. Boy, do I. Joe Biden's got a cartoon of him on his desk.

Sure does. Possibly our next president. That was a pretty strong speech. Did you see how much Fox News praised it? Did they really? Yes. Mike Wallace, but more than that. Other people on there, too.

Wow. On Fox News, it was termed a home run. Wow. Wow. I mean, I was just hoping he didn't fuck up and then he went beyond not fucking up and actually turned in something that was cogent and a little bit inspirational no that's the thing it's like we're watching like the flying lenses or whatever really the reason you're tuning in is is this guy gonna fall right all right so hagger standing there with his you know he's got his flunky who's always near him reason you're tuning in is, is this guy going to fall? Right. Alright, so Hager's standing there with his, you know, he's got his flunky who's

always near him, and he's reading from a book, and he says to Hager, a fool and his money are soon parted. Hager says, where'd you hear that? And he says, it's from the expensive book of quotations I bought. Didn't need to read those two frames. Now they're storming a castle. First, oh wait,

that could have ended there infinitely better than family circus was makes no effort at a joke go ahead right right but sometimes i forget with the longer comic strips that they give you two beats two frames at the beginning which is just like a cold open that doesn't have to do with the rest of it okay so now he's with his army and they're sieging sieging sieging seizing a castle siege it's under siege it's under siege and uh hagger's got a uh he's got a torch in his hand and he says throw down your gold or i will burn your castle and then you hear okay okay hold on they throw down a bag of gold it says clank then he looks up and goes, that's not all the gold. And then they write,

all right, you try getting her to remove her gold. They throw a woman off the side of the castle into the awaiting arms of the marauders. She looks petrified. That's great. You try getting her out of her clothes and gold. Right.

Oh my God. That's perfect. Uh, you want to hit us with some family circus? I know you love it. Oh boy. It's so good. So this one,

there's still camping. My headphones came out. It's the camping series. And so the two kids are in a dark frame and one of them has a flashlight and it's like pointed at the ground. You could see the little kind of yellowy circle of the light. And she's pointing at him and yelling to the parents, quote, Billy won't let me hold the footlight. I just, I just, again, I'm just going to read.

Malapropism is the mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentionally amusing effect. And this, Family Circus, again, is not malapropisms because these are intentional with very unamusing effects. Yes. And there, I don't know how he sleeps at night. He's not going to get Alzheimer's either if he has any conscience because he can't possibly be a morning person with all the guilt he must have handing these pieces of shit in to the newspapers. And why would he get up in the morning? It's not like he's got to get to work. This dude can sleep till one in the afternoon, have a high ball, and then clock in for his 15 minutes. What are his other choices?

A floor light? A wall light? What did he rift through before he landed on foot light? Those don't even write themselves because they're not written. They're not even written. It's hard to even break down how bad they are. Yeah. Oh, it's infuriating.

And just recession-proof, pandemic-proof. Yeah. They're in the paper every day. And then they go into a book. People shell out $29 to Scribner's Publishing to buy a fucking coffee table book of Family Circus. What goes on in your home that that is an option for entertainment? And they're on mugs and t-shirts.

Yep. We're in the wrong business, Mike. He'd be haunted by those. Don't remind me. Like you and I have written pieces of garbage before. It's like the last thing you want to do

is ever see it again, be reminded of it. Yep. All right, let's do it. Blondie, here's how we close it out. Okay. Their blue dog is standing in the All right, let's do it. Blondie, here's how we close it out. Okay. Their blue dog is standing in the living room, and he's whimpering. And I forget the first two.

All right, now Dagwood is reading a newspaper. From the next room, Blondie calls out, Honey, guess what? And he says, What, dear? And she comes in, and she says, I have a new hairstyle today. And she's got it whipped forward into a twist, a very kind of postmodern looking, almost like a new wave haircut. I'm liking it. And Dagwood drops the paper, puts his hand over his eyes and screams, yow!

And then Blondie turns and says, oh no, you hate it. Dagwit says, no, I don't hate it, honey. I just, you just caught me off guard a little. That's all really. Now Blondie is in bed with a handkerchief, by the way, wearing two shades of green. The top is like a Kelly green and the skirt is plaid and it is hugging her ass like it's fucking drowning like it's grasping for life on her ass okay so she says so now he's outside saying darling sweetheart honey give me another chance now that i'm more prepared please dear she gets up collects herself meanwhile for this fucking zero that she married and she opens the door and again he goes yo and now he's downstairs on his chair

and uh and the daughter says do you like mom's new hairstyle daddy and dagwood says i'm working on it how about you work on this how about you work on a fucking noose in the garage you piece of shit how dare you yell when the chair goes out from under him i mean this woman shows up dolled up to perfection day after day for him yeah trim in shape brazier presenting these fucking bosom stamps. And she decides to make a little change on her hair. Look at him. Have you seen his fucking hair? I like your version.

You're going to be like, yeah, when you're out of your shorts again, she has to be putting you back in your shorts. That's how every one of them ends. Just like Aaron ended your morning. Well, and that's how we end this podcast. Everybody. You guys have been delightful.

Thanks for your letters and your corrections and your music that we played today. The theme song was great. Yeah. So cool. People keep sending stuff. It's really great. And,

um, here's the getting through another week, I guess, right? We can do it together. All right, Mike, we'll catch you next week.

You got it, sir. Well, we're going to have a Thursday one, right? We're do it together. All right, Mike, we'll catch you next week. You got it, sir. Well, we're going to have a Thursday one, right? We're going to have a Thursday one, and then next week's episode will come to you from Catalina Island, California. Let's have them sponsor the podcast. Oh. Yeah. Maybe I should get – what's the thing you take so you don't get seasick?

Dramamine. Dramamine. Dramamine. We should have Dramamine sponsored next week. We're going to be out there with our families, and we're going to bring our recorders, and we're going to do it from Catalina. All right. Wrap it up. Put a fish in it.

Put a fish in it. Stick it over a broken window so the breeze doesn't come through. Whatever it takes, it's done. We'll see you next week. Take it easy. Take it easy. Are trying to find some humor in this crazy world Mike Gibbons in his closet Grapefruit Simmons somehow does it

Though his mind is on Blondie's thighs Sunday papers On Blondie's Spice Sunday Papers Sunday Papers