Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 252 2/16/25

Episode Date: February 16, 2025

JD Vance takes on Da Pope, Hollywood takes on Kanye, and Ellen DeGeneres takes on her neighbors. Then Arnold compares his penis to his son’s.Watch Greg’s new special, “You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest”Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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Sunday, baby. All right, I'm gonna clap in. In five, four. There he goes. Three, two, one. And there it is. Read ye all about it. Read ye all about it. Sunday Papers coming to from coming here from Las Vegas, Nevada and Nashville, Tennessee. All right. I'm going to go on a mini rant about my terrible trip here, but why don't we talk about Vegas first? Well, Las Vegas, Nevada is over.

If you are coming here, turn around mid-flight and go home. It's so crowded on the strip you can't walk down the street. Nobody's good looking anymore. Everybody, here's, you know what? They have everything on the strip except a salad bar it's it's unbelievable the low quality of food check check dirtiness you know it's either people the only people that look somewhat normal are at a convention so they're losers if you're in Vegas on a convention

You're a loser if you're here as a gambler. You're a loser if you live here. You're a loser All right. Well, you're there for seven nights Well, yeah, can you tell it's been five? I'm there that long already. No, I got here on Monday and today's Friday. So yeah, it's all right. It's been a it's been a lot. It's been a lot. Well, keep in mind this you said salad bars, the salad bars used to be the most unhealthy food, like you know, just butter drenched. Yeah, like seafood, food or whatever they call it, the fake seafood, and some real seafood depending on the buffet.

No, Matt Malloy used to come back when they had, I mean, here's the thing. When we were young, Vegas was a place that they would get you to come to. So flights were like $49, hotel rooms were like $69, and then they had all you could eat buffets that were like 10 bucks to get you into the casino. It was all about getting you to show up to the city. Now and I talked to a guy who's a local last night, apparently the casinos are

hemorrhaging like Caesars might go out of business. I've seen reports of this. Because of you know people are online gambling they've got You know Indian casinos all over the country like people are not coming here to gamble So they're trying to make up the losses with entertainment, so they've got f1 here now. They've got NFL They've got NHL. They're bringing in the Oakland A's are gonna be playing here I Heard there's another sport that's coming here as well. Oh, basketball. Who's coming here to play basketball? I don't know. People love when we talk sports,

though. Well, I'm just saying the point is they're making it entertainment based. Isn't the big thing they're going to try to move the Mavericks there. Maybe that's it. From Dallas because she wanted, the new owner wanted a casino as part of the new stadium. Well, my whole point is like, it's not about taking care of you anymore. There's no concierge, there's no comping a meal, there's no making you feel like they want you here. They jack, I was playing a blackjack game

and it started off, I finally found a table that was $10 because it was a Tuesday at like 11 o'clock in the morning. And then at noon, they just jacked it up to 25 a hand. And then while I was sitting there, it went up to 40. It's fucking crazy. And the meals, just to get like a hamburger is like twenty six dollars. I got a shitty hamburger at a fast food place. Like everything is ridiculous.

And it used to be hard like to pay for a room when you were gambling because they would comp you. They want they they wanted you to rave about Vegas when you went home. Yeah. Now I'd love if they had some comeuppance from this. Like, they really have to pivot. So I'm staying at this. I'm not going to say the resort I'm at. I'm at the MGM, which is, as these resorts go,

about as good as it gets. It's a really nice hotel. But it's so expensive. They gave me a card to go to the employee cafeteria. And you know, because I lost I lost like 240 bucks on blackjack. And so I was like, I felt I was in a total shame spiral because I just don't gamble anymore. Yeah. And so I was like, all right, I'm gonna make it up by eating in the employee cafeteria. Dude.

I better eat a lot. It is like, I shouldn't say, cause I'm staying in this hotel and I don't want to bad mouth them, but let's just say I've lost some weight this week. And- You're a little light in many ways. I'm a little light, yeah.

And, but I'll tell you this, I'm working at Brad Garrett has a comedy club here that is the coolest like he put he puts some money into it sound system lighting stage it's like an intimate club the staff is unbelievable it's really one of those places we're like what else can we do for you what they got me tickets to Cirque du Soleil for free. They got me reservations on Valentine's Day at the best restaurant in the casino. Like, you know, I mentioned I was hungry one night

the next night, they got a whole bunch of like protein bars and snack. Like they're just it's what Vegas should be for the entertainers. Oh, that's great. And then here's the thing they told me originally I'm booked to do the Seven Knights and then they call my agent they go Brad Garrett's gonna come in for three of the Knights and so and so I was like well what does that mean am I gonna like feature? Like no no no Brad will MC and you'll still headline you'll just go on at the end I'm like like, oh, great. So I follow a guy in a room where his name is on the stage.

I get to go on after him. So I watch him MC, and he does just crowd work. But I'm telling you, this guy's crowd work is as good as anybody I've ever seen. It's like old school Rickles. Like really, like. Yeah, he can be a really funny funny mean just gets super specific with people and like keeps it Keeps it pinned up to a nine the whole fucking time like like he's as good as like

Rick Ingram or Ian bag like any of those guys so oh nice Yeah, so so anyways, and then he gave me a nice intro, but I'm telling you man, this Brad Garrett is something else. He is one of a kind. Like the nicest, gregarious, generous, like the waiter comes in with his whole family and friends into the green room, and Brad jumps up and takes pictures of everybody,

starts signing hats for people, but he's also like this six foot eight big guy and like you know after the show me and the feature act and him sat there and we started talking about like the deepest shit about our alcoholic parents and depression like like we got you know I don't want to like overshare but like it was like I've it was a real conversation and you know and like and then then I find out that the staff who were unbelievable are all the key he had a friend he was friends with this couple that died tragically and the kids there's five kids they all work at the club they he

gave them all jobs yeah yeah yeah and like another comic told me he was in town one time and his wife went into labor so he had to fly out early Brad cuts the guy a huge check for the baby like another comic was telling me about how he mentioned that he maybe wanted to go to see the Raiders this weekend. Brad texts him the next day a picture of a ticket and asks for his email address to send him the ticket that he got him. So cool. Unbelievable. And could not have been more complimentary to me, like talking to me about like maybe working on a TV project together. Like it's just fucking great, great dude.

You know, you remember my first sort of thing that happened to me in LA, but when I was still in New York and made the transition here, I was working with Ray Romano, who you had introduced me to and smoothed that whole thing. And then I'll be out here. And then my number one mission in LA was to get a job on Everybody Loves Raymond.

And like, I just worked on that spec so much. But I remember that spec. I was out like the first five or more tapings. And then the David Tell was out there on the floor cause Ray hired him for Punch Up. Anyway, we would wind up going out after the tapings. And I was Ray like had me come along and Brad was so nice like I do he would never in a million

years remember me but this is season one they were so insecure Ray hated the name of the show and you know they were getting no love from CBS yet and so they were just you know struggling kind of and anyway, Brad was really, really nice. Yeah, he's he's a great dude. So so it'll be a fun weekend. I'm doing three more shows with him this weekend. And then Aaron flies out in a few hours. It's gonna throw a move on her, probably start taking Viagra while we're doing the podcast. Well, get ready for an exciting end, people. Fantastic.

Oh my God. So I'm gambling and I'm playing blackjack and I use Matt Malloy's reverse progression, which means you bet 10 if you lose you bet 20 if you lose that you bet 40 if you lose that you bet 80 if you lose that you bet 160 and as soon as you win you go back to your original bet of $10 and so you know I remember he had a progression that was and just calm down on the corrections and all that. Progressions don't work in blackjack. We're aware of that. What it does is it if you do hit like a bit of a lucky streak or a sort of lucky streak, it's actually the best for a sort

of lucky streak. You do well. It also stems the loss. It stems the tide. Like you won't lose as fast. But I remember it being, let's say 10 is the increment, like the minimum bet. It would be 10. And if you win, if you anytime you lose, you go to 10. It's the minimum bet. Anytime you lose. That's the number one rule. And then the progression, I think it only had four things and it was 10. If you win, it's 20. So you've taken one back. You're now even. So 20 is out there. You win with that. I think the third hand is where you let it all stay out there. So now it's 40.

And if you win that, you pull back like two and whatever. No, but that's a progression. This is a reverse progression where you chase your losses. Oh, all right. And which is which is fine, except you can only chase about five losses before you run out of money. But as soon as you win again you make back your original bet. And so it's worked for me for many years but when it doesn't work it doesn't work. So I threw down 240 and I lost it. But I realized it's like there's such a psychology to

gambling if you really want to know who you are and where you're at and how you view yourself so every time I would lose a hand I swear to God I don't think I'm in a good place right now I started thinking of course you lost you're a loser like I really had this thought of like you don't yes you don't win I hadn't had this thought of like, you don't, yes, you don't win. I was like, what the fuck? I hadn't had that thought until I was gambling and I was like, fuck man. What's that about?

I think it's just this business. I think it's getting old in this business is making me feel like I can't win because it's the odds are so stacked against you as a fit not to I don't want to be the guy like I'm an old white guy but it really is I mean as you know you've had a really good couple years now which I'm really happy for you but no no most guys that are just not getting much work at all actually it's not it's even less than a year since June, the Brady roast. That's it. Since then, before that, oh my god, I mean, it was before the pandemic. Yeah. So anyway, I think it's part of that. And meanwhile, rest of my life is great. But I think so I can't wait to retire because I mean, here's the difference. If I retire, I'm retired. If I keep working, I'm working about the same amount, but I'm just not

retired yet. There you go. I remember the progression. It's one, it's one, two, three, six. So if it's 10, it's 10. If you win, it's 20. Oh, I remember that one. If you win, it's 30. You've taken 10 back now, right? And then, uh, then you leave all, if you win, you leave all 60 out there. That's a huge hand in what happens though. So you'll do that. And it actually is kind of the second hand is the most important. You got to win that second hand. And so it, cause the first hand, if you lose, you've just lost 10 bucks. So anyway, um, you, uh, what happens is you're like, Oh, that's really going to keep me under control.

I'm not going to angry bets, right? Like that's, that's, it has the brakes built in with you. You go back to 10 anytime you lose, you go back to that first one. And but then you get to that six and six is out there. And then all of a sudden you're dealt an 11, you know, or eights and all of a sudden you have to have 120 bucks out there. You got to split, you got to double down. Yeah.

Right, right. But that actually is exactly what you want to happen. When you have a lot of money out there, because those bets are to your advantage. Yeah. All right, so my trip down here. All right, I came down to Nashville yesterday, which is Thursday.

All right. I have, as I've talked about ad nauseam, you know, I have this, uh, you know, Vespa thing in LA and I have a motorcycle here and the motorcycle I leave at the airport here. So anyway, it's, it makes it so great. It saves me each trip on just one side. It saves me a hundred bucks and Uber each way to LAX. And now when you land, it's the biggest drag in LAX. You can't just get an Uber or a cab. You have to take a shuttle to this giant parking lot where they have the cabs and the Uber, so it's just such a drag. It's great.

I just get there free parking. I hop on my vehicle. So it rains as we know, four days a year in LA about I get poured on. Oh, no, really? On the way to LAX when I left, it wasn't raining hard and I dressed for it, by the way. So I had like a rain jacket and then I had I put on like ski pants, light ski pants that were going to be good. Here's a picture of me in LAX, hold on one sec.

In LAX, that is how the water, that's how the water seeped. So what I'm showing Greg, what I'm showing Greg. That's with the ski pants off. That's with the ski pants off. Those are jeans, even though they're orange. They're Levi's jeans. So what it is is because you're like sitting, it pulls up

because it started pouring. It pulls up and it got through. There is no other way. It is a perfect pee stain on the front. It is only on my zipper and then about three inches I'm walking around the airport. I don't know that's there. Hilarious. Then I go in the men's room. Well, that's a safe place, right? So I go in the men's room and I and I'm like, oh, I need the hot air. Well, the hot air things are disappearing.

I don't know why or they're like on their in the men's room. I'm like, oh, I need the hot air. I'm like, oh, I need the hot air. I'm like, oh, I need the hot air. I'm like, oh, I need the hot air. I'm like, oh, I need the hot air. I'm like, well, that's a safe place. Right. So I go in the men's room and I and I'm like, oh, I need the hot air. Well, the hot air things are disappearing. I don't know why. Or they're like, they're in the sink.

You know, now one of the faucets is a hot air thing. You mean those things that blow the piss off your hands? Yes. And then and then there's the ones that yes. Then there's the ones that you stick your the dice and you stick your hands in. Yeah. I need an old like reverse vacuum on the wall that used to blast air like a blow dryer. And it doesn't have it. So now I'm in the bathroom and I grab I'm grabbing frantically tons of paper towels and rubbing my crotch and just unaware that

like, Oh, well, people will know. But no, every man in there completely assumed it's P. Like I had an accident. I didn't make it. Now I'm in there. It was terrible. All right. So get this.

So then I have a worse connection in Dallas, which I'm going to fucking talk about Dallas in a second. Then I get to Nashville. My motorcycle's here. I'm so delayed. I get here at like nine at night. It is 25 degrees. I'm wet still. I'm still wet. And my and I had a jacket underneath the rain jacket. And of course, that got wet as well. I froze. My I was like, at one point, I'm like, I got to pull over.

I got to pull over. It's only like 14 miles. I'm like, I got to pull over. I got to pull over. It's only like 14 miles. I'm like, I got to pull over in a gas station. My hands were so frozen. And I'm like, I've got to pull over. I'm like, and I don't know if in Nashville, they sell like hand warmers in a 7-Eleven or a gas station like they do in colder climates. But I'm like, literally on my motorcycle,

I'm like, I know what I'll do. I'll put those mayonnaise packets in the microwave and then I'll just jam them into my glove. I swear to God. But at a certain point, there were no stores the way I was coming home. And I literally, at red lights, people would see me shaking, shaking my hands

and trying to move my fingers. It was the most pathetic thing you've ever seen. Oh, yeah, I have zero sympathy for you. Because I love that you have these hacks. And it's the reason why you're considered one of the best showrunners in Hollywood is because you're a problem solver. You think outside the box, you you really open yourself. So you've thought of this this this the box, you really open yourself. So you've thought of this, this, this airport hack, you got your motorcycle on both sides, you drive from your house to the airport, you leave it, you pick up the motorcycle at the other airport, you take it to her house back. Great, great, great,

great. You don't have to do it every time. If it's raining out, you can take an Uber. on both sides on both sides of this trip Hannah Hannah begged me she's like I'm not letting you drive here I'm like no I got a really warm light and and actually my toy you know that I didn't share with her little things where she might just be like how crazy are you So one thing I did and when I got national, oh, I almost forgot. Like it's like, how could I forget? Like that would be the weirdest thing.

I got to fill up my thin water bottle, you know, that you buy the tin ones now, you know, the aluminum water bottles that you buy in airports. I got to fill that with hot water and put it inside my coat. And that's what I did. So I the my torso was fine. Yeah, my legs were fine.

It was just my goddamn hands. All right. So let me talk about Dallas just for one second. This goddamn airport. I'm going to go through Chicago now if I ever have to connect. Dallas, Fort Worth is a disaster airport. OK, it's a disaster. It's the it's the second largest airport in the country. Here's my connection.

Keep in mind, same airline, American Airlines. And they let me book a flight that had a 45 minute layover. Here is the, just look at the bottom, because then I put it, you know, all of a sudden on the American Airlines app, they're like, Oh, your connection is at this terminal. Do you want a map? Do you want, you want like step by step directions on how to get there? Look how far the gate is. Yeah, right.

1.9 miles away. Two, two. I mean,. Is that is that in Houston? Like, what are you talking about? And then it says it's 24 minutes to get from my gate to that gate. Keep in mind, is there a train? The flight to Nashville is an hour 18 minutes. It's 24 minutes just to get to the gate from another American Airlines gate. Okay, this is the fun part. You're ready. Meanwhile, you got you got a wet dick and balls and you're you're chafing at this point. I am so chafing. All right. For everyone at home. This is the Dallas

airport. I'm going to describe it. Okay. It's an old it's an oval loop. Okay, it's an oval loop with with a train you everyone knows the drill. One train goes one way the other train goes the other way, right? So you you know, they make it convenient and then off of this oval loop are five Terminals, okay. This is the does ever Greg. This is where I landed term. Yes see okay. I Want you what is the next term? Oh? What is that this one here? D. It is E. You know, E next to C, Greg. Right here. Okay. But hold on. Maybe maybe I was unfair. So here I am back in C. I won't go towards E. Let's go the other direction. Yeah. What terminal

is that one, Greg? The one the other the other side of C. It's got to be B. Right. It's a it's a can you imagine Chinese Japanese there? They don't even use our alphabet. Then they're like, OK, we got it. So it's a B. I know. I know the Jackson five song. So a B So ABC. Okay. And then no, no, no, not in Texas. Not in Texas. And this one up here is B that B is far away from C. And of course, right next to B is D. Yeah. Go fuck yourselves. DFW. Wow. You've made a statement today. It makes as much sense as DFW. Those letters make as much sense as DFW. They're that close together.

Yeah, yeah. So did you make the flight? Missed the connection. No! No, no, no, but don't worry. I walked a half hour each way. How long until the next flight? And then they, not that long,, I had a rush both ways.

Yeah, that's what happened to me. Yeah, but that's why it was also extra freezing when I landed, like I lost any I lost five degrees easy. Did you yell at anybody? I didn't yell at anybody. What, what was the closest I got? Oh, when I got there, I wasn't exactly polite to the people when they were like, it's full and, you know, your standby has been given away. Oh, no shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. But I was like, what is this?

People who fly a lot might know what I'm talking about in D. There's these three, these three or there's four, it's D one through four. D one through four, just like these terminals, is nowhere near D five, six, seven, eight, nine. In fact, the next two, I don't know what you call them, gates, the next two gates had quantus and Fiji. Those were the two planes. Wow. And it takes that's why it's two miles. It's two miles and it's mostly people shit on lax.

I have no problems with lax. It's very logical. It's very linear. It's one loop. You know, I find that you know, traffic can be bad at certain rush hour times, but in general, it's not bad. American is going through a lot of changes there, though they had me walk again, it was kind of like D one through four in Dallas, I had a walk underground, really far to a bunch of gates that all had letters, which means they're new. It was like 23 a, 23B, 24A.

Are we going a little inside baseball here? Let's move on before we lose whatever three listeners we still have left at this point. I'll keep going. Ha ha ha. What is this? OK, the logo this week comes from Melody Myers, who is a... Oh, I love Melody.

Amazing. She is amazing. She does great work. logo this week comes from Melody Myers who is a oh I love Melody she is she is amazing she does great work and she also is if you enjoy my Instagram videos which very few of you are she has been making them I'm when I say not enjoying them people aren't watching them the way they should be there we are on snowy Jones Street in New York yep free will Freewheel and Bob Dylan, right? Is that the album? The Freewheel and Bob Dylan album, the cover. And I thank you very much for making me Bob.

And thanks for making me the... And you're Suzy. Suzy. That's how it's spelled. The song this week is from Brian Charles Wilson. Thank you, beautiful orchestration, lovely. Thank you. Corrections this week.

The main thing I have to lead with is a lot of people were upset that they could not download the show on Apple Podcast the last couple of weeks. We have looked hard into this. Denman suggested a couple things. One is that you delete and then reload the app and then also if you're on low power mode that might be working against it. But we had a bunch of people reach out saying they had a problem. If you're

one of those people and even if you haven't reached out let us know if you've been having trouble with this because this is obviously a big concern to us that people can't download the show. Write in dog radio at gmail.com let us know how you download it if it's on a phone on a computer which app and so we can try to solve this before you end up going and listening to the fucking will our net podcast instead of us he doesn't need the money what are we talking about? Did you just zone out? I'm still thinking about Dallas, man. Welcome to the ADHD podcast. We're at any given time one of the hosts is thinking about

something completely unrelated. Including JFK, this is the biggest tragedy that ever happened in Dallas well speaking of JFK like that Airport is a that's my least favorite airport in the country JFK Not only not only the airport itself, but the commute into the city is as bad as any city in the country All right, Nashville is a new airport, and maybe this is the new model around the world. I hope they study each other, right? You go to the airport, you go through security. It's this giant room, and once you're through security, Greg,

any airline, any flight, you can go to. Yeah, Atlanta does that also. Oh, all the restaurants, all the bars, all the everything. If you're meeting someone or you're like, Oh, you flew in on American, now you're going to do a little southwest jump to whatever, like it's all behind one security. Oh, Denver, I'm thinking of Denver. Denver does that. And then yeah, because yeah, you get to the airport

and all of a sudden they've got a fucking Starbucks. It's like, I want to grab a Starbucks. Then I got to go through security. So I got to guzzle my hot coffee before going through security. Other correction was Ryan in Chicago. I've sent this exact correction before, but you made the same mistake again.

This came up while you were failing to guess what state Abraham Lincoln was born in. William Faulkner is from Mississippi not Missouri. Please get it through your thick skull disappointed Ryan in Chicago. That's perfect. Well the best is you know when you're younger and you make a mistake you learn from it. When you get older, you just keep making the same mistake over and over again. It doesn't stick, Ryan. It does not.

You're gonna be writing again, Ryan. It's only a matter of time. And then this guy writes in, I don't know if I wrote his name down because I didn't like his tone. Greggy, Greggy, Greggy, whatever are we gonna do with you? When talking about the SNL music doc you said they showed Beck two turntables and a microphone. That's not the name of the song, it's called Where It's At. I was actually there. I was

backstage at that particular taping. You were where it was at, yeah. If you don't want me to sick this Church of Scientology on you, you have to let me open for you in Portland. Is he a Church of Scientology guy, Beck? Oh, yeah, Beck is. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Well, I shouldn't say that was for sure. I don't know if as we're sitting here today, if he is. They tend not to leave.

I think they've got something on them. I heard some story and I shouldn't even repeat it because no idea whether it's true, but some I think girl publicized the story is that some girl publicized that she was dating Beck and he she was broken up with by two Scientology reps of his. Well, that's a reason to join the church right there. I mean, how great is that? Yeah, and two of them. Yeah, also, can you go get my black t-shirt out of her place also, please?

Yeah. Tour dates coming up, Fontana, California, it's stage red on February 22nd. Atlanta Punchline, March 6th through the 8th, Hollywood Improv St. Patrick's Day show March 15th. I was just offered a very big money gig in Lake Tahoe that weekend with swanky resort lift tickets and about five times the money that I would make at the Hollywood Improv. I turned it down. What? All right, I'll take it.

That's how much this gig means. Well, also, we have a special. I don't know if I should announce this or not. I will announce it. I will announce it. Here's the specials. Not only are we going to have, we always have big name guests. Zach Galifianakis has done it. Sarah Silverman, Joey Diaz has done it. Everybody.

This year, we have a musical guest guest which is going to be Mikey Fitz playing Irish songs with My Two Kids on stage. No way! They're gonna play guitar and JoJo's gonna play guitar and the flute and they're gonna play some Pogues. So I would suggest get there early you don't want to miss the musical part of the show. It's gonna sell out. Go to the website, get the tickets for the St. Patrick's Day show March 15th. Oh man, that's pretty cool, huh? That's really cool. All right. Before we start the lead story, I'm still cold from my drive. Can I finish my plug dates? Hamilton, Ontario, Toronto, Canada, March 27th, Pittsburgh,

improv, March 28th through 30th, Boston, Laugh Boston, April 4th and 5th, Huntington at La Mamba, May 4th, Escondido, May 9th and 10th. Also Tampa, Austin, La Jolla coming up soon at the mothership and others. What do you do? Front page, we ready? Got something to crinkle? Oh I got DFW. I can't wait to crinkle it. Here we go. All right, here this is your story kid. Vice President and recently converted Catholic JD Vance was rebuked by the Pope himself for using Catholic theology to justify

mass deportations. Vance started the fire when he recently went on Fox News and presented his own bastardized version of Ordo Amoris, Latin for the order of love. Quote, there is a very Christian concept that you love your family, then you love your neighbor, then you love your neighbor, then you love your community, and then you love your fellow citizens in your own country, and then after that you can focus and prioritize the rest of the world. Are you shitting me? Are you missing literally the number one teaching of Jesus Christ?

Okay, all right. So well I mean define neighbor, love thy neighbor. Where I mean is it the neighbor way down at the end of the block? Right. I think of my kids as my neighbors. That's it. You leave my house you're out of my neighborhood. I think my other two personalities is my neighbors and that's the why I only care about myself. A lot of the far left has completely inverted that they seem to hate their citizens of their own country and care more about people outside their own borders The British Prime Minister should care about Brits and the French should care about the French

Pope Francis sent a message on Tuesday to clear up Vance's comments. No one cares about the French. Go ahead quote Christians know very well that it is only by affirming the infinite dignity of all that our own identity as persons and as communities reaches its maturity. Christian love is not a concentric expansion of interests that little by little extend to other persons and groups. This is amazing because you don't even speak English and this is a good fucking sentence. Yeah. In other words, the human person is not a mere individual, relatively expansive with some philanthropic feelings. The human person is a subject with dignity who, through the constitutive relationship with all, especially with the poorest, can gradually mature in this identity and vocation.

The true ordo amoris that must be promoted is that which we discover by meditating constantly on the parable of the Good Samaritan. All right. Yeah. Well, I think Vance was confused. I think he meant the Latin phrase, Blanco amoris, which is the love of whites. Ah, yes. Blanco amoris. Yeah, it's that's that's what he meditates on constantly. Yeah. And I think Vance has added something to the movement when Christians cross themselves. So now it goes forehead, heart, left shoulder, right shoulder,

arm straight out. Slight variation. Just for the corrections, don't bother sending it in. He meant forehead. Oh I know, I say forehead funny. And by the way, we all remember the story about Joseph and Mary being in a strange country and she's about to give birth and then the people of Bethlehem screaming not here this is not a sanctuary manger yeah get it to go manger will you and then President Trump's borders are Tom Homan lashed out Tuesday at Pope Francis what and public it Pope. Yeah in an open letter to US Catholic bishops sent Tuesday We say What do you say Homan said I've got harsh words for the Pope. I say this is a lifelong Catholic

You ought to focus on his work and leave enforcement to us. He's got a wall around the Vatican, doesn't he? Touche, douche. Oh boy. So not only should actors not weigh in on politics, but the Pope should stay in his own lane. Really? Let me tell you something. The Pope Mobile doesn't have a fucking lane.

It's an all-terrain vehicle with a fast pass that can run $400 million worth of armored Teslas off the side of the road. I mean I hate you're making me defend the church, but it's like as if the church is only inside those walls. They are all over, for better or worse, they are all over the world under the guise and they do help millions of people obviously but like they're it's nothing but outreach. Sometimes the reaches are very unwelcome but it's nothing but outreach. I mean what is he talking about? This really makes me think about

making a movie maybe we can write a script about the Pope as an action hero going out and the Pope Mobile is like a Mad Max kind of a vehicle yeah and his Cardinals are like the fucking the you know the Marvel characters I think that might be funny super Pope super Papa yeah something and Super Pope, Super Papa. Yeah. Something. And listen, the church never kicked out or got rid of any good-looking Latino altar boy. It's true! It's true! No, the wall was to keep them in. That's the difference. See? It's two sides. What is this about cat getting fixed story? I could save that for next time.

All right, save it for next time. But a little. You know, let's do next time. Let's walk through some other maps of other airports in the country for seven, eight minutes at a time. All right. As long as I can, I can do DFW twice. Those will be the first two. I did.

We did it once. Celebrities protest Kanye West in this fake AI video, which was so good looking and believable, like quality. It was crazy how I believed it. I believed it until I heard it was AI. That's how good it is. Top Hollywood stars have banded together to protest Kanye West anti-Semitism, sort of, says the article. A viral video depicts Jewish celebrities such as David Schwimmer, Steven Spielberg, Jerry Seinfeld Sandler, Scarlett Johansson, Sacha Baron Cohen, and others wearing anti-Kanye t-shirt.

Except this protest video was generated using AI without permission from the celebrities to use their likenesses. And now one of the celebrities portrayed is speaking out about the stunt. So I don't know, Jewish people don't they're not usually litigious. So I'm surprised there's anything happening. No, I don't think there'll be a class action lawsuit here at all. Yeah. Maybe, lawsuit here at all. Yeah. Maybe maybe AI should put a bra on Kanye's wife. No, please don't. Let me tell you something. I I thought of something funny that

if I ever see her walking up a red carpet, I'm going to yell out. What's her name? I forget. I'm gonna yell out Kanye's wife. Who are you not wearing? That's good. Yeah. Who didn't wear it better? Yeah. Yeah.

By the way. I just officially, I don't believe anything I see on the internet anymore. Like that video was so fucking real. Next they're gonna be able to put like each of the New York Jets in a championship hat. Like, now maybe not that far. Not that far.

But speaking of that, this is Kanye's opportunity. Couldn't he be like, all right, listen, everybody, the last two years, that wasn't me that you saw. That wasn't me. Yeah, just trust me. That was some geek in his parents' basement in Orange County. I have been out promoting diversity, inclusion. I'm gonna I don't know if we'll get to it, but later we had this article about Kim Kardashian's

new line of butt enhancing clothes and everything. But I just want to, it's related to this story though. So he does that Super Bowl ad, right? And then the next day and the whole Super Bowl ad was about go to yeezy.com or whatever the hell his website is, right? Did you hear about or see when the next day when you went to like, you know, the day of the Super Bowl, apparently

he might've had other items on there, maybe sneakers, whatever. No, no, no, no, there was one item. It was the next day. One item. Yeah, yeah, right. A t shirt with a swastika on it. Yeah. And they and apparently the internet company that had it up, I'm forgetting the name of it, but they're like the biggest online merchant they they they they approved it on Friday and then he switched it right before the Super Bowl ad went up so they didn't notice and then it took them a while notice he made two million dollars what he sold What? He sold 200,000 swastika shirts in a day.

I so basically paid for a lot of the Super Bowl commercial that he took out. With. You know, it'd be funny is if is this someone smart along the way, Copywrote like maybe a Jewish guy copyright the swastika logo. So you'd be in trouble now. That would be great. That's good. It's trending. It's definitely trending. So Kanye has to pay this guy.

This is one old guy with the copyright on the swastika logo. And it's got to be Jewish. Got to be a Jew. I'll be perfect. All right. Well, all the Gulf of Oh, my God, this Pete Scott told me this, our friend. And I'm like, you're obviously joking.

He's like, dude, go on your phone right now and go on maps. Go ahead. Read the story. All right. So basically, I think people know the story, but the Gulf of Mexico is now gonna be called the Gulf of America. It is. Trump is switching it, it is now. If you go to Google Maps, it says Gulf of America,

and then also Mount McKinley had been switched over to Denali as a sort of an homage to native people that live there. And Trump is switching it back to McKinley. Really? So and I guess he said parallel, drawing parallels to Trump, the order notes that McKinley champion tariffs and was assassinated. So well, all's well that ends well. I mean, what was Wichita? I mean, like, aren't there cities named after native? I, I can't even begin. But in related news, Mexican standoff is now an American standoff. Really? I looked these up. Yeah, it's now an American jumpingoff. Really? I look these up yeah it's now an American jumping beam it's no longer a Mexican jumping beam. It just doesn't jump as high? No

not nearly. Taco Tuesday is now a hoagie Tuesday. Uh-huh. That happened. Is that just in Philly or is that all around the country? He's trying to push hoagie on everybody including where they eat grinders Tex-mex is now Tex Tex It's official you can't put Tex-mex on a menu And it's more than Mexico like a Colombian necktie that expression. It's not an American necktie But good now will will Washington no longer be called the District of Columbia Is it now District of America? It should be the District of America. Yeah right. The good news kind of is a Cleveland steamer is now a Mexican steamer. Oh nice! He gave that to them. So you're gonna need a lot more toilet

paper to clean up a Mexican steamer. Oh no. We were taking Mexico's side here. What happened? I mean there was a lot of names like this. There was London Dairy, if you go to Northern Ireland, the Irish call it Dairy and the British call it London Dairy, or if you go to Russia, you've got Lenin, it was called St. Petersburg, then it was called Leningrad, now it's St. Petersburg again.

Or you've got Cincinnati, some people call it Cincinnati, Fort Lauderdale, Fort Lickerdale. You know, there's a lot of people that share names. I mean, is he going to change New England to New America? Right. And New York and you know what I never thought of unrelated to Trump and all that, but the names from England is it was wild that New York was in New London, you know, and but New London, I think had already been taken in Connecticut. Yeah. I mean, obviously, New London's in Connecticut, but I'm saying I think it had already maybe been used, but you would think I mean, New York is not the biggest city so anyway that was different thing London it's like one of the first kind of like trolley internet

things I saw was a guy going to like Ohio and a town that had a lot of Vietnamese in it and saying so we want you to sign this petition to change the city's name to little Saigon or something. Do you remember that? No. And the townspeople fucking screaming and threatening them and yeah but there are some names in the mid in the Midwest of I want to say like Easter whatever I should have looked it up all right let's get to entertainment here we go now now somebody who's marginally entertaining

but we put her in the entertainment section anyway comedian Ellen DeGeneres has reportedly landed herself in a hot water By the way, I get these news, you get this news item because there's a text of former Ellen writers that's fairly active that keeps us abreast of all this news. So this one came out yesterday. Yeah. She's in hot water with her new British neighbors

over construction plans on her $18 million farmhouse. Like how about missing the point of moving to the fucking countryside in England, you know? And laying low. She is in peril on the wrong side of a high-profile member of her new neighborhood after she committed a technical breach during the build of a single-story extension at her new adobe. Three local counselors raised concerns that DeGeneres and DeRossi's extension might increase flood risk in the village and disturb Roman remains. Residents expressed concern that the hedge and wire fence at the comedians home could lead to flooding if trash gets caught in the fence and limits the flow across the field. Now this, here's what I love. They

are busting her balls. They're worried about rain flow. They fucking hate her. And look, let's move to a country where the paparazzis were invented. Nobody's good-looking and they're the most uptight ballbusters in the world. Like was Provincetown out of overpriced mansions? What the fuck did you go to the English countryside for? It was their whole thing. Listen, they haven't been wet in years, Greg. So they want to clog up this fence.

So you're saying their vaginas might be a little... All right so hold on I just love that you called England the birthplace of the paparazzi. Listen to the name. You know in Londonderry the paparazzi all right well I should say not tabloids tabloid journalism was absolutely yes in England well probably to be honest Rupert Murdoch might have started it in Australia and then brought it to England after that I'm not sure maybe paparazzi have always been pretty bad there Well, yeah, they killed poor lady die

Yeah, but that was in Paris, but you're right All right, Schwartz nigger kid Arnold teased his son Patrick Schwartz andger's nude scene in season three premier of The White Lotus after attending the star-studded premiere. What a show the Terminator wrote on Instagram alongside a photo of his son. I could claim to be surprised to find out he has nude scene but what can I say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Wouldn't the analogy be a banana? Is it is it an apple? Wouldn't it be two apples and a

banana falling far from the tree? That's a wild tree. And after five decades on steroids isn't it more like a shriveled up apple? He then clarified. Well the apple that I had with my nanny, that apple did fall far from the tree and I denied I was the tree and he was my apple. But other than that the apples don't usually stray. Yeah he was a sour apple. I had a bad apple. This is a bunch. Do you know that that kid Patrick was hitting on my daughter at a party one night?

Really? We went to this Best Buddies event. Facilitate that. We were up in a Best Buddies event up in Santa Barbara and there was a big party, oh no, it was at the Hearst Castle, so up the coast further. And there was a big party and I guess, you know,

Maria Shriver who's, you know, very involved with Best Buddies, I guess that's her son. And so he was there and he'd had two, three, six, seven cocktails and JoJo was maybe 16. And yeah, he was hitting on her pretty hard Wow all right and she was flirting back I'm not gonna lie yeah with a billionaire son who's a model yeah who's pretty good-looking yeah and doesn't fall far from the tree all right we did Kardashian I know the worst Arnold ever are we gonna make America Florida what about Dolly Parton? Oh Yeah, do Dolly Parton. Sorry. That's yours

Dolly Parton musical suspended mid show after homophobic abuse from audience One of the performers in the musical here you come again Stevie Webb said that the homophobic incidents at the show have become so bad The cast was at one point forced to leave the stage web said said that last Wednesday, the whole cast had to leave because a woman was so disgusted. There was a gay character. This was followed by a similar moment when a man had to be escorted from the audience for shouting homophobic comments. Webb said there had also been problems during the London run of the production. Okay. what are you? Not only are you going to a Broadway show, a play, but it's about Dolly Parton. Like it's it's doubly gay. It's the

gayest how I want to read. Do you want to read my joke just beneath? Read it out loud. Read what I wrote. So people are going to theater, the gayest thing in the world, to see a Dolly Parton production, the biggest gay icon in the world, and then shocked there's a gay character. Should one of us just do the podcast alone, since we both have the same thoughts? Greg, what they should be walking out on

is when there's a straight character. First of all, I didn't know Denman was in London last month. Now that's a better joke. I thought he was in St. Louis. But it is it's the gayest thing ever. Like what are you doing? Yeah, that's like going to I was gonna make a racist joke. And I'm also in London. Now it's triply gay. It got a lot gayer about six months ago when somebody put up a fence. Do you want to do this Kim Kardashian story or no? No I don't think. I mean let's go to Florida. Yeah yeah yeah she has big ass. We'll do them next week.

We'll do it next week. And you know what let's go to the Cincinnati Airport next week also. Cincinnati Airport I got also. Cincinnati Airport, I got a cat fixed. I got a cat fixed down here. Everything's great. All right, we're going to make America far. Here we go. A stalker made their way into a Fort Lauderdale house on Monday that was occupied by Sophie Rain and her OnlyFans gang. Rain and her colleagues currently reside at the Bop house, a Miami mansion that hosts all the young models. They were in Fort Lauderdale at a recently rented house to film content when SWAT agents

showed up to arrest the stalker. According to TMZ, a source close to the 20 year old said the unnamed suspect broke into the home while the crew was attending Sunday's Super Bowl. They came back to see Windows smash, but worst off, when they arrived, the man was still inside. They tried convincing, he tried convincing Sophie, he was the new owner of the place, but he didn't convince the girls who quickly fled the home. And then SWAT agents along with the Coast Guard attempted to talk the guy out of the house for hours before eventually

Storming in and arresting him before any serious conflict occurred Wow, well, it's sad as part of this, huh? Go ahead sad as part of this story is that was the only talented person that had ever been in that house And he was forcibly removed. All right. He's the only guy that's ever worked for a living. Yeah. And first of all I love the resources that we're pouring into this. We've got fucking homeless veterans on the street that can't get a hot meal and we've got the Coast Guard protecting a bunch of fucking internet twats. Like what the Coast Guard are you shitting me? Like what, the Coast Guard? Are you shitting me?

Like, of course, I wanna see, here's what I wanna see. If you wanna live stream this shit, you're attracting, you're attracting guys, you've got a bunch of young models that are counting how many times Taylor Swift shows up on the Super Bowl. I want to see people storm the house. I want to see people that are outraged, destroying these young girls.

I shouldn't say destroying them, but scaring them. You know, maybe it was a typo. Maybe it's the Coast Guard and a twat team with twat agents that stormed the house not swat I think that's what it is by the way have you have you googled Sophie rain wait I just say swat doesn't sound that effective like you swat at a fly with like a a limp plasticky thing how about a kill squad? Yeah, something like that. While I read the next make Tennessee, Florida, you should Google Sophie rain. All right, let's make Tennessee, Florida. All right, man accused of photographing men inside bathrooms across

Nashville. Wait a minute. Are they talking? I hope you didn't take a photo of me trying to dry my crotch. A 37 year old man was arrested Thursday after he was accused of stalking multiple men across Nashville. Okay. See if you notice a trend here that if you were a detective, you'd catch on to what's going on. The first victim reported to officers he began receiving sexual text messages from various

unknown phone numbers he also received messages with photos of him in a state of undress inside a bathroom stall at his workplace on Athens Way and Metro Center. A second victim he contacted police same thing texting from different numbers he knew where he worked and what he drove and what he wore to work. And the victim also received text messages of him in a bathroom at his work on Athens Way in Metro Center. Then another man reported to Metro Police. He was being harassed and stalked via text messages.

You see where this is going. And he was the guy was compromised in a bathroom in the Athens Way building in the Metro Center. So, I mean, it seems like the easiest thing to solve in the world. So officers contacted security obtained surveillance footage that helped them identify the suspect who was seen loitering outside the bathroom facilities and following the men inside. So he's arrested and released on

bond. He's out. So now did they bring the SWAT SWAT teams in for that one? What's appropriate there you just want to swap back that swap back the nudity will you so I just looked up Sophie rain Big ass Yeah, well that's her moneymaker man, but anyway, that's that's so maybe there is talent in that household. Anyway, I wonder if there's how much do the do the guess she makes a year with her only fans? I've never heard of her before now, but I looked her up for this story because I didn't know what it was. I didn't know kind of what talent was in this house. Sophie Rain net worth. She is worth three. Wait. Hold on.

Forty three million dollars. Yeah. Oh, she puts a couple of good years together. It's kind of like a Patreon for podcast like in other words it adds up That's and she's 20 years old by the way, yeah younger than both of our daughters born in 2004 Damn, yeah. Oh wait sports. Let Let's do it. Sports. All right. So let's break down our Super Bowl bets. We had 50 bucks on the game. You had the Eagles to win. So you were

up 50. But then we bet the under over. I took the over which hit. So I won 20 bucks. You're down to 30. And then we bet 10 bucks on whether or not the national anthem would be over 120 seconds. You won that. So now you're up $30. Will Taylor Swift know shown during the national anthem 40? I'm up 40 now. 44 Yeah, you're up 40. Will Taylor Swift be shown during the national anthem? You said yes, so now you're up 50. Number of the first touchdown scorer? Will it be under 15 on his jersey? You said yes, it was.

It was. Yep, it was number one. Distance of Mahomes first TD pass. So I'm up 16. Nah, I don't think so. What do you mean? Wait, bucks cuz you won now you're down to 30. Like this is great by all conversations we should have an audience so I can just be like you're hearing this right? Alright so I'm down to $30 after the Underover. Yes. And then the national anthem you won 10. So

it's 40. Taylor Swift Joan during the national anthem. You said yes. No, you said yes. She was not. You have M next to it. Yeah, because you guessed will she be shown during the national anthem. So you lost that. God, I don't even know how to read this stuff. Okay. So that brings you down to 30. Then you won 10. So you're back up to 40 on the jersey. Distance of Mahomes first touchdown pass. I won that. So now you're down to 20. down pass. I won that. So now you're down to 20. Sequin Barkley run for 150. I said no. So I won 10 on that.

And then I won the color of liquid poured on the coach would be yellow. So I owe you twenty dollars. I don't even think that Matt's right, but I'll take it. Fine. Twenty bucks. I tried to pay you that night, but you said you were too drunk to count. You're not even drunk right now. Fine. You've emmied me twenty bucks. OK, love it.

By the way, speaking of sports, my cousin Danny McCarthy is in first place right now at the Genesis, which is a major golf tournament It's usually held in Los Angeles, but because of the fires, it's down in San Diego He had an eagle on the 18th hole yesterday So he's got a one-shot lead going into Friday as we speak we'll see on Sunday, obviously, you'll know by the time you listen to this whether he won the tournament, but

He's off to a good start. Let's stay in history. Here we go. This day in history. Ready? You like them rapid fire? Here comes semi rapid fire. Fidel Castro seized power in Cuba on this day in what year?

And technically he became the premier of Cuba on this day and he transformed the island country into the Western Hemisphere's first communist state. Give or take five years. What year did Fidel do this? The revolution was going on in the 50s. Batista was in there. Castro took over late 50s I'm gonna say 58 dude 59 nice I just read a book about it called tell X from Cuba by

Rachel Kushner Wow that's even more impressive Kim Jong-il, the lunatic, right? The lunatic father. Well, no Kim Jong-il. He was the North Korean political leader and he had like the crazy like two hole in war 18. Yeah, he's the current he's the current leaders father. Yes, there you go. He died on what year on this? Well, actually, no, sorry.

This is about his birth. But I'm going to ask you his death day, which was December 17 of what year, give or take three years. Oh, Jesus. So I'm assuming this is when Kim Jong Un must have taken power, which would have been Jesus, how many years you given me? Three, I'm giving you a seven year window. I don't I'm throwing darts on this one. I will say he took over in 2000. No, this is how you could have done it. We were all doing tons of jokes

about him. So he was like that's why I only gave you three years. I thought you'd be like it's gonna be around 2010. It was 2011. But remember late night just couldn't get enough of that guy and all the things he claimed like all the craziness. Yeah Okay, what is my next one? Okay, the NHL became the first North American professional sports league to cancel an entire Season the season was canceled after the collective bargaining agreement between the owners and the players union ran out. This happened in what year, give or take four years? Oh, god. I don't know.

You follow hockey. I do, but I don't always follow it. The entire season was gone. All right, I'm going to ask you what country was he born in and And I'm gonna give you five guesses and I'll give you a big clue. It's not a trick question. It's not America. So give or take three years,

what year was John McEnroe born? And then give or take or giving you five countries, what country was he born in? He was born in 1956. You won that. You won that barely 1959. You got it on the three year cusp. And he was born in Argentina. Nope. Four more guesses. Guatemala.

These are weirdest guesses ever. No. England. No. Canada. No. Ireland. No. Ireland would have been, you know his dad, you've seen his dad courtside. England's another good one, but it was West Germany. Interesting. Why was his dad in the military? That's a good question. I'm not exactly sure what it is. I know his dad, I think, is a banker. All right, last one. DuPont chemist Wallace Hume Carruthers, WHC, he patented nylon. Nylon never existed. Before this date, in in what year give or take 10 years. Well, when I think about the flappers in the 1920s, they they had on nylons. Then I go back to the Moulin Rouge in Paris. They had a nylons that was earlier than that. So I'm going to say

on nylons that was earlier than that so I'm gonna say 1820 so close 1937 oh so the flappers didn't have them well they weren't tights or not maybe not even tights but they I mean stockings and they weren't I'm forgetting the name that what I want to say like in other words there was There was under there were there were garments like that, but it didn't have I think nylon had the stretch All right, well, I know they were I know they were invented as of three o'clock yesterday because I saw some tiktok videos of a woman Taking her nylons off. So you just one saw Sophie, what's her face in her house? Yeah. Um, but I do remember, and this might be unrelated, but I do remember when stretch, when that thing happened, it changed

everything because you no longer needed garter belts. Right. Back when you're talking about they needed garter belts to hold them up. Right. Because they were just pantyhose, I guess. I don't know what you call it. We were worse talking about this than we are sports. Let's move on. What do we got? Let's go to the

obituaries. I don't got one. No obituary. Oh, you know who died? My Valentine's Day plans died. You What do you mean? my Valentine's Day plans died no no no I wasn't supposed to be down here I didn't I have to I have to hurry and make good on it No, I guess not. I don't see anybody that interesting. Nothing. I'm sure we lost somebody's mother died. Somebody. Oh, Tom Robbins died. One of my favorite authors. Oh, really? Oh, my God. Oh, only cowgirls get the blues. Jitterbug Perfume. He was, I mean, he wrote such dense prose. It was so rich. I mean, like he packed words onto a page and just had a great sense of humor, fucking great,

like if you liked Confederacy of Dunces, like he was, he wasn't at that level of funny, but the richness. Amazing author. So that's all we'll say. Read some Tom Robbins if you get a chance. Don't read Tim Robbins. That's an actor. Read Tom Robbins. Isn't Tom Robbins... is he the Florida guy? No, no, no, no. That's the other guy. No, that's Carl Hyacin. Exactly. All right. so now we go to the Funnies okay we're gonna put this was a tough one we give you guys different

captions every week some of them lend themselves to comedy more than others I think this last one was tough but some people came through it is you're in a prison yard there's two guys in black and white prison garbs, striped prison garbs, one's handing cigarettes to the other one and saying something. In the background is the Where's Waldo character and his mouth is shaped in a very small O as if he's concerned. And Bruce Wise said, Yeah, some call him walled ho. I call him my cock in his mouth. I must have taken a while to get that wordplay.

Don't turn around. He stabbed the head of the Aryan Brotherhood yesterday for pointing at him from Rich but butchko oh wait I really like that one that's pretty good well there was a lunatic wait what's the one above where you have Dan written here have a smoke I don't know it It just ignores. It just fully ignores that Waldo's there. Yeah. Here's one that I love. Jason Bastien. Who's Waldo? Sean Johnson said with the soft and supple lips of his, where is Waldo became the most popular game in the clink that's pretty good too Bobby Hussain said I found Waldo now I'm gonna find his G spot stovetop said he's got a tiny mouth that's why it's five cigarettes pretty

good Sam Prano says now that's why now that's why he's caught. Now that he's caught, the cops won't be asking where's Waldo anymore, but they will be asking where he hid all those toddler corpses. Oh, it gets more interesting. Matt Messer says, you win, Phil. The carpet doesn't match the drapes. Okay. Kelly Holmes says I'm gonna play where's Waldo's wiener later. All right that's a nice way of saying it. Jack from San Francisco said usually you can find him in the shower with a dick in his ass. Not as nice a way of saying it but that's pretty funny. Poraya said how many cigarettes to find Waldo's asshole? Well, that's OK. All right.

All right. They go on and on. We get a lot of those. So what do you like? I know what I like. I mean, I just like the image of him and that he stabbed the Aryan brother that he stabbed the the Aryan brother, the head of the Aryan brotherhood. That one made me because there's a lot of playing on

wares and there's obviously cigarettes for purchasing someone. But I don't know that one. That one I liked it was very different. I I just love the economy of Who's Waldo? Because it kinda sums it up. Like most people don't remember Where's Waldo? So I thought that was strong. So it's between those two. Well, I thought you were gonna pick another one. Who's Waldo's okay.

I also like he's got a tiny mouth that's why it's five cigarettes. I like that one a lot too. I could go with that one. That's gonna be our tiebreaker? Yeah that'll be the tiebreaker. Sorry. It's not my favorite one. I want that for the record but okay. Alright so you have to send me your address. I don't know how this works. Stovetop is the winner. He's got a tiny mouth. That's why it's five cigarettes. Okay, next week's caption is... It looks like a circus tent. And the MC who's got on like a sergeant's outfit, the typical kind of pencil-y mustache. And he's pointing up to the tightrope.

And there's a tightrope walker who's got the bar in his hands balancing himself as he walks across the tightrope it says circus of the stars and what is the announcer saying about the man up on the tightrope holding the balancing bar? That's a tough one. This this comic comes from Jason Love who's given us a lot of these. Thank you, Jason. We're giving you some love. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Waldo something or as I call them, my cock in his mouth. That could be. Let's here's Haggar. This one isn't about what it's usually about, but I just thought this was a funny Haggar Haggar is shaking hands with a guy who's got a briefcase,

he's wearing a suit, and Hager goes, hey, it's my favorite bank manager, how's business? And the bank manager goes, we're looking for a cashier. And Hager goes, I thought you hired a friend of mine last week. And the bank manager goes, he's the one we're looking for. Hager goes, sorry. Nice. And then the next one, Lucky and Haggar

are walking out of a bar. There's a damsel at the bar. She's got her back to you, but you still see good side boobs, solid side boobs. She kind of has like a hippie wrap around on her head. And Haggar says, oh oh wait it's written over can you can you see what he's saying what in the right the left frame a left frame you were talking to that woman all night what did you learn about her and then lucky says

she's the smart one and all right so what did she do that was smart? Did she tell you she had AIDS? did she say that she has a Jealous gang of brothers who are waiting outside What did she say to keep you from I won't say the word because I don't want to get us kicked off the algorithm. I think it's just yeah I mean what really happened I think the artist intention is that she said hit the road. Do they say hit the road in medieval times? I think it's a road it's not a maybe get lost Vikings used to get lost a lot I think. They get lost a lot, but I don't think when they were around women, I think they found right what they were looking for. I don't think they ever took a long walk off

a short pier, though, because they were so good with peers, you know. That's true. Yep. Yeah. And then we've got Leroy sitting on the couch reading the newspaper in the background. There's snow falling out the the window Loretta holds a shovel in her hand she goes what do you mean you're not gonna shovel because you're taking a snow day interesting Lee's lip Hickens this week on the lock. Alright Leroy well probably not on Dilbert I'm excited this is number 14 out of 15. We're counting up to 15 and let's see what we have in store. So this might be the second best or funniest. I think it's called Dilbert of all time, according to this website, or it's 14 out of 15 with

one being the funny. So it's so hard to tell. Here we go. Three frames, first frame. Oh, and someone called in and said I should give props to the smack my bitch up guy I keep referencing with the two cones of hair on his head I'll do that next week on the last one because I don't know that guy's name so the smack my bitch up hairdo guy walks up to Dilbert Dilbert's just sitting there and he has a cup of coffee I can't see what his hands are doing is you reading a little piece of paper anyway

I think he's on his phone. Oh, he's on his phone. Okay, and The smack my bitch hair guy goes I need you to write your own performance review from my signature and Dilbert goes I'll sign it for you, too. I see no reason for you to be involved. Smack your bitch up. Smack my bitch up. Guy starts walking away and he goes, put something in there about insubordination. And Dilbert with the punchline brings it home. And he says, got it. Hmm.

Right. That's how on a hard turn like that at the end, how completely unsatisfying, just true, pure unsatisfaction, dissatisfaction even. It's, it's just the thing is, this is the trick with it, you don't realize you'll never get that time back till the very last two words, because you still have hope that this has been worth it. It's kind of like you're cutting your way through a forest and you're like, I hope we're on the right path here and this hasn't all been a waste of time. As you're bushwhacking and then you get to a wall and you can't go

any further. That's what this was. I'm not even sure what he's going for here because Smackemup Bitch Guy is basically saying I'm lazy and not doing my job well so why don't you write up your own performance review and then Dilbert says all right if you want to be lazy I can just sign it for you anyway and then the guy is saying you're in subordinate but isn't he in subordinate yes they're all in subordinate and I think that might be a commentary on the modern workplace I say yeah so it's about a bunch of characters who don't care but somehow we're supposed to

That's a good point Is there one hero in here that cares that we could root for I haven't seen want to talk about a hero He's sitting on a couch With his big stupid shoes and his black. What is why would fucking dagwood wear black velvet pants all the time? That's what I can't understand. It goes so against any, like that shows a little bit of style. I mean, Dagwood seems like the kind of guy that should be wearing a mismatched sweatsuit, you know? Anyway, he's sitting on the chair. What do you call it? Velvet? Velour? What do you call it?

They look velvet. They look velvet. All the clothing I'm learning about you and blondie looks velvet mm-hmm that's interesting well not his daughter his daughter is standing in the labor and look I got I don't ever want to seem blasphemous about blondie but her daughter is a smoke show she's standing there in jeans. The knees are worn out, which I can only guess from what. And she says, Mom, have you ever considered posting cooking videos on YouTube? And Blondie, over her shoulder, says, not really, sweetie. And then the daughter goes, I think you'd

be a hit. And you could throw dad in there for goofy comic relief. And then in the last frame the daughter's talking to the son and says sometimes parents just don't see the big picture do they? And I just love that the daughter that's how she sees her father. He's not a role model, he's not an authority figure, he's not aspirational. Her father is a goofy comic relief and she's telling her mother how she should be, you know, taking her career to the next level. Right. Yeah, I mean, he is. He's a joke. He's a joke. He's never taught these kids anything. The son, the son is, they're both, first of all, both kids are still living at home. They gotta be in their 50s at this point. That's a good point. But they

don't age. Maybe, maybe 40s. I mean look at her. Look at her. I mean look at her. She's got a... Look at her. Jesus. I don't have to tell you to look at her. No, I'm looking at her. I'm looking. I don't have to tell you to look at her. No, I'm looking at her. I'm looking. All right, listen, my wife is landing, so I'm going to go. I think here's the move. Here's the move. It's Valentine's Day.

My wife lands at the Vegas airport on a Friday at 3 o'clock. Imagine the traffic. I'm thinking I get in an Uber and I go pick her up at the airport so she doesn't have to deal with the Uber line. What do you think of that move? So you're going to sit there in an Uber like you're going to be like you're in on this with me buddy like we're going to pull up. So it's kind of like two stops.

Your final destination is your pickup point. Exactly. And you're making a stop. Right? Well, you can't have the final destination be a pickup point. No, I don't know how you do this. Yeah. I just feel bad that she's going to walk into a hell storm of traffic at the airport when she gets here. Ask Brad Garrett to have a limo pick you guys up at the airport. There you go. And you uber over there and then it's or you could obviously ride with the limo. I like that that's not bad. Yeah. All right if you get this I'll be at Brad Garrett's tonight if you get this on

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