Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 263 5/4/25

Episode Date: May 4, 2025

Could Mike and Greg take on a gorilla? Terrence Howard won’t play a gay man, a TX man hides weed in Easter eggs, and there is a Florida Man named Cocaine. And that’s not his biggest problem.Watch Greg’s new special, “You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest”Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Our Sponsors:* Check out Mood and use my code PAPERS for a great deal: https://mood.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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Read all about it! Read it all about it! Sunday Papers! The last place to find your news if you live in a bubble. Are you recording everything? Everything's being recorded. Don't worry about it. Yeah, yeah. We never have any glitches never go wrong there what do you sip in there oh a little I had a cranberry juice earlier in the day and I just poured water into the remaining there it's a simple little beverage how is your drinking these days how often you drinking booze you know not drinking as much but I am drinking frequently. It's very social, you know what I mean? Yeah. My buddy Weinstein was staying with me

this week and he made a cocktail that he liked out of bitters. He's not a big drinker though. But anyway, so just little bits. Okay. Here and there. I didn't have any pot for about a year and then I took some edibles at ACDC and then I was like all right I'm not gonna do that again for a long time but I did it again the next day that's the thing about my personality is like I'm told me that I'm a very addict I have a very addictive personality so so I'm not gonna do it anymore yeah mushrooms is my new edibles. Okay.

I'd rather take mushrooms once every couple of months than take edible pot every week. Right. Speaking about what's on your mind, what's on your head? Hey now, this is it. And everybody's looking at my head and they're like, Sunday paper's fifth anniversary hat. Hey now, this is it. And everybody's looking at my head and they're like, Sunday paper's fifth anniversary hat, it's crisp.

It pops out at you, fits around your head. It's not one of those high hats. I hate the high hats that like make you look like you had like your cone head. Yeah, I don't like them, but I don't like them this low. You know, this kind of hat that I'm wearing yeah which is really very shallow. I don't have I don't have the strong jawline for it or whatever so it my head just looks incredibly like a platypus. Well these things are flying off the

shelf right now Mike people are going to FitzDogg.com they're buying the fifth anniversary hats they come in white, black, I think blue. And like the Judah Friedlander, he was wearing almost a hip hop style, straight up stiff hat. I think they call it a trucker hat. Well, no, isn't trucker hat the mesh backing? Right? I don't know. I was just picturing the corrections coming in. Yeah. Now you can get coasters, you can get tote bags, you can get mugs. It's all there.

It's a great way to support the show. We don't do ads because we don't believe in them. So support the show in any way you can. All right. Oh, by the way, there's a correction. How long is that gonna last? We've already done that, but I'm talking about some other paywall or something.

All right, let's go. Yeah, we have ads that run at the beginning and the end of the show, but none in the middle and they're prerecorded. So I'd imagine people just get through them. Yeah. Anyway, have you listened to Courtney Barnett at all? I don't know that. No. Oh my god. She's amazing. Okay, my daughter. He's a great thing about having dear kids ever introduced you to new music. Yes. Yeah. So this is one that my son got me into at the brunch he didn't come to at my house on Sunday. I had told you I wasn't.

I know. Right. It was it was a great hang and we listened to a lot of Courtney Barnett. And yeah, so tell us a little bit about Courtney. What's the deal? What's the Well, she's from Australia, and she's very shy. So she's like this. It's almost like folk with a hint of it's like a folk with a hint of punk rock to it. And almost a smidgen of country. Mostly acoustic. No, there's some metal there's some like medley stuff. There's some acoustic um uh her voice is a little bit like lucinda williams who i like well i love lucinda williams yeah um so and great lyrics really offbeat

personal good lyrics i literally thought you'd be like great rack she wears loose clothes i couldn't get a read on that well Well, I was kind of a joke. No, she looks mildly autistic. Oh boy. You know, Weinstein knows the most about music. I'd say that any friend I have, like, I mean, he was the guy with the record collection in New York City where you're like, how is this apartment not falling down into the apartment below it? Because that entire wall is vinyl. No, shit. Oh, it was on it was insane. Anyway, we we

started watching the new documentary on I think he had already seen it on sly stone. Oh, really? Yeah. And it's by of course, I'm going to space because I already felt the pressure. I had to turn my mic arrow. I was talking. Huh? Errol Morris? No, no, no. From the roots, you know, he won the Academy Award. Oh, which was marred by the Chris Rock slap. But he wanted for summer of love or something. Well, so summer of soul, I guess. You have a W in his name.

It doesn't matter. I'll look it up right now. But anyway, that I mean, Slystone is one of those people who it's like Prince. And it's like there's a couple of Hendrix. It's like, were you just dropped here from a spaceship? You're on another level. You are also just effortlessly the coolest person. Questlove. Questlove.

Questlove. Yeah. When you see Sly playing guitar and the way he dances and he's got these bad ass singers behind him. The whole band has got Paisley and Silk and everybody's moving groovy and yet he stands out as cooler than any of them. And then they showed when he was starting,

he was like this producer, right? And then he got this band. And I forget what, I think it was Grace Slick, and it was before maybe Tech, anyway, go see the documentary. But this little thing at the beginning was, you know, you see him real young, kind of like seeing young prior, you know, you're like, Oh, he hasn't stepped into his real self yet. So I guess he didn't land from a spaceship. But still, just everyone that encountered him was like, oh my God, he just every cell

in his body was talented. And so it was like, very slick. And it might even have been an early version or an early iteration of one of the hits, like I don't think White Rabbit but he was like well what if you did it more like this and get on the drums he played every instrument yeah on the only one that was released it was technically him on every instrument no shit wow I listened to White Rabbit in the car the other day, because my Mustang has kind of a souped up stereo system. And White Rabbit came on and I pulled the car over

as soon as it started and I cranked it up and I just sat there because I really think there's no song ever that builds and pays off like where, it's like two minutes and 20 seconds, I want to say. And it starts off with that military snare drum and done done done. And by the end, she's fucking well. It's just it's an experience. If you if you haven't done it in a while, put on some headphones

and close your eyes and just crank up White Rabbit. And another addition to our white guy is recommending old songs, and I've done it before, but I should not listen. I was on my motorcycle race ago, I was running late for this. It's only Wednesday, by the way, people. That's another thing. So judge on a curve here.

But I had Mississippi Queen playing on the way over here. Holy, talk about a song that just just hits the ground running. If you you gotta find video of him at Randall's Island New York and I know I've already talked about this just go see how ballsy and and just they toured with Sabbath they're amazing. Is this Fog? Huh? fog hat? No mountain. Oh mountain. Leslie West, I think Stern is your favorite guitar player. Yeah. So he died of like diabetes and even lost a leg. So anyway, I think we should start having like a diabetes cool person Hall of Fame. There's a lot of them. Well, how about the Pope just died of diabetes last week?

Did he really? Yeah. I mean, complications from diabetes. I think technically he had a stroke in the end. Diabetes normally is in the main killer, but I mean, Johnny Cash, Ella Fitzgerald, Jerry Garcia. I'm sure we'll get a lot of corrections on some of this stuff. Miles Davis, Vandross, James Brown, Bobby Womack, Jackie Robinson. You know, he died early. Any, any white people? Daryl Strawberry. Any white people? Let's see. You want how about Thomas Edison? You can't get whiter. How about Patrice O'Neill? Dick Clark, Delta Burke. I said Jerry Garcia and Johnny Cash. You didn't say Patrice O'Neill.

Oh shit, that was the complications of diabetes in there too? Yes, yes. Plus people lose limbs. I can't remember who, somebody famous lost their fingers and couldn't play anymore. Oh Jesus. Well, Leslie West was in a wheelchair because he lost his leg. Oh, maybe that's what I'm thinking of. All right. Probably, which I had said earlier. Here's what's funny. No, no, no, no, no. Yep. My brunch, which we're going to have from really fucking ballsy music to back to your brunch. Well we listened to Astral Weeks and Blue. I wanted to put on my two coolest brunch

albums. Blue by Joni Mitchell and Astral Weeks by Van Morrison. But the conversation like we live on the west side of LA it's a little bit of a blue bubble it's very much a blue bubble. And what I'm noticing is the people that used to be, some of them annoyingly precious that I, you know, that were the way you go, oh, come on, no one's like that anymore. Like socially, everybody is coming back to,

there's a consensus that the woke thing was way overblown, that... Oh yeah, your little group that's right over there, they're all using the N-word again. They always did, and so they stopped for a while, I didn't know that, I guess that's the real update for me. Not that long, don't make it a big deal, they just, they stopped for a year. Okay.

And every February. And it was weird because they had their signs, N words matter, which was very confusing, obviously. Like, are you supportive? Yeah, could they matter? And so, but I just thought it was interesting. And then we were talking about like, how the flag, it's interesting because liberals used to be free speech And then we were talking about like how the flag,

it's interesting because liberals used to be free speech and questioning the government, and the right used to be censorship and supporting the government. And now the right are the ones trying to control speech and the left are the ones that are control speech and the left are the ones that are no the the left is controlling speech and the right is poking holes at the government everything they're all conspiracy theorists that said you know we didn't come up with a coven cure yes we did we didn't land on the moon yes we fucking did all the great things the country's done they try to take away

great things the country's done, they try to take away. Okay, then Gregory, and we I want the flag back. I they don't get the flag because the flag to me means the Constitution of the United States of America, and the right does not care. And you can't in any capacity, say that the people that are running the government right now care. And you can't in any capacity say that the people that are running the government right now care about the constitution. There's a separation of the branches of government.

And when that spills over, you have a government that is completely out of control and not a democracy. That's all I'm gonna say because I don't wanna dwell on politics. Well, I'm in Tennessee and whenever I see an American flag, I hate to admit this, but I'm like, uh-oh. Yeah, I know. I don't want that anymore.

I want to hang a flag in front of my house. I wouldn't do it. Well, definitely take down your Blue Lives Matter flag. I don't think that should be on your Mustang. Did it come on the Mustang? Do they make Mustangs with the Blue Lives Matter sticker already on it? It says Blue Balls Matter.

I'm trying to stand up for married guys. Oh, okay. I didn't know what was going on. But by the way, all right, and last thing I'll say, in addition to the Sly Stone, an amazing documentary, because you just brought up Blue, there's a giant theory that 1971 was the best year for music ever. In terms of seminal albums, what zeppelin album came out in 71?

For Yeah, they're blue. Blue came out in 71. Four Way Street. It's anyway, there's a so I mentioned that to Weinstein and he is like, yeah, like everyone's. This is a popular thing. There's a documentary called 1971. Led Zeppelin for sticky fingers, blue. Who's next? What's going on? Tapestry, Hunky Dory. It's insane. Yeah. Metal, Janis Joplin's Pearl.

There's a riot going on by Sly. Every picture tells a story. Sabbath Master Reality. That's crazy. Yes, has two incredible albums. The Allman Brothers have what I think is one of the best live albums of all time at the Fillmore East. It's, it's really crazy.

Yeah. It's really crazy. But this documentary is amazing. It spends so much time on Marvin Gaye's what's going on. It's incredible. And then it goes to the concert for Bangladesh and also Ram by McCartney, I think came out that year. So anyway. Al Green gets next to you.

I think that Al Green's Can't Get Next to You is my top three favorite songs of all time. And it's a cover. It's not even his song. Imagine by John Lennon, LA Woman by the Doors. Wow, Jesus. It keeps going on. That's insane.

It keeps going on. Right, it's crazy. So anyway, but the documentary is doing what you're doing a little, which is it's looking at the context. What was especially the right doing, you know, what was and a lot of this reaction and the Vietnam War was a huge part of it. I mean, won't get fooled again is a very, you know, and they spend time on that. Anyway, definitely worth checking out.

Okay. What's this about TikTok? So I just wanted to tell the viewers that my daughter was in a room with friends at Northeastern and then sent me a clip. And the friend goes, I'm so hungry, I could eat your dad's co host, Greg Fitzsimmons. So apparently this was a thing. and it wasn't that you were desirable. I just need to make that very clear. It was a meme or whatever the hell you want to call it where they would just randomly name someone that they were so hungry they could eat. So you

like some dog or a cat that hears a can opening or like what and And we're on that penmore, we're at the tee. You come over, plop down and you're like, let me see. You're sitting down next to me, I show you, you're like, whoa, what's that all about? Then you get up and you're, it's when you get up that you felt something, you're like, whoa, what's that? My glasses are flat on the bench that you sat on.

Right, I got a little excited. All right, did you fix them? I took them to the, they were actually an expensive pair and that's the only reason I still have them and you don't owe me any money to fix them. The guy grabbed them with the right tool and bent it. You know, normally you have to warm it up or heat it up and put it in hot water so you don't snap the damn thing.

Anyway, it worked out. But that you didn't know you sat and crushed here they are. They're chunky. These are chunky glasses. Like Janine Garofalo glasses. Yeah, these are like thick. They're too thick. They get in my way a lot, like literally seeing peripheral vision. Um, so there was that, uh, all right. Well, I'm going to make a recording of a recording of young women saying something about you and see what your reaction is. Cause it's been a while, Mike.

Since I heard young women say my name. Yes. Yeah, yeah, I agree. But when I sent the text to my family, back to Olivia to tell her how interested you were in it, I'm like, and then he ran over to see the video and sat on my glasses. And I didn't press send because I knew something was up. And then I wrote, and no, they were not on my face.

So I just had to clarify that. All right. Speaking of text with family, I don't know. I'm going to make this super short because tell me if I already talked about this because it was really funny. Sophie put on Instagram this post, I'm going to Michigan tomorrow for her graduation. She's done with Michigan, four years. Congratulations, big moment.

But yes, it's all great, but four years. I mean, it's crazy that it flew by. So she put up this post of all her housemates outside of their kind of famous house on campus. Like they, they, they, they tried their best and got the house. It's a corner and right in the middle of all the tailgating and everything that goes on and all the frat houses. So anyway, uh, they have a group picture of everything. And so I, you know, put I like it and then I put a comment. And so then at 726 a.m., because it's a three hour time difference from Sophie. The first text is

you cannot comment sluts on my Instagram post. And I go, Oh oh no, sorry. Like very sincerely. She's like, ha ha, you're fine. And then this line, I get what you were trying to do. But a father commenting that is so weird. My friend's mom follows me. So bye.

And then I go, I just went to remove it you already did sorry again. She's like I did. Yes. I mean, I thought she'd like it. Oh, I'm not you didn't say what the text was the text. Right. It's gonna be a letdown. It wasn't that crazy. I didn't think it was that crazy. I was like, I can't believe it's four years. What a year you sluts killed it. And because it's a whole group of them. Oh, so you, but you don't even see

what I was trying to do. By the way, that's the worst thing you could say to someone who's kind of in the funny business. Like I get what you were trying to do. From my daughter. I get the intention. I'm questioning the execution. Yeah.

No, I wouldn't. I would think that would be for some of the parents, unless they knew that you had a special relationship with them, which I doubt you do. You haven't been out there that many times. It sounds like it's getting worse. Yes. Yes. Can only get worse. I have to check now. I'm going up there. I mean, the part literally the graduation party is at

that house with with that mom, I guess who follows us. So we'll see what's going on. So last time you visited her, you and your dad stayed at a house like 40 minutes away or a motel. Did you know that was like two, that was a couple of years ago. And then we rented out. Oh, then you got that great house with the, uh, this is the, so I'm going up. I, I don't know if I've done this. I am in a room. There is no hotel. It's just like as if Penn State was playing at Michigan, but it's graduation. I would have to stay in Detroit, basically, which isn't that far away, but over a half hour. And so I am staying in a room. I might be killed. I'm staying in a room in an Airbnb. No. And it doesn't look great. Yeah, but it has its own entrance.

What about your dad and your ex-wife? My dad's not going. He's gonna come out to LA. No, he skips this. He's not going to Oregon either for Caroline's. She's graduating next month. And he's coming to LA, cause Kate, so three graduations are happening. Oregon either for Caroline's she's graduating next month. And he's coming to LA because Kate so three graduations are happening. Kate is graduating because she got her master's

combo, I guess a five year six year six year I think program doctorate and Caroline and Sophie so he's coming out for three girls and we're doing that in LA and I think really early on I think my ex got a motel room. And yeah, so but those are like not right in town. They're down by the highway and that's a living going to stay with Sophie. She was this week because Northeastern kicked her out, man. We got to talk to John.

What am I paying for? Northeastern, she was the last one in her dorm, no doubt haunted. It's called Lighthall. I think it's the oldest building that Northeastern owns, and it's the oldest dorm. I think almost for sure. It's called Lighthall, like from the 1800s. And she was alone like three or four floors packed with you know girls during the school year. She was alone

for the last three nights. Everyone's gone in April. Yeah. What when do classes end? They ended like early April or mid mid April, and then there were finals. That sounds pretty early. Yes. So they literally said legally, you can't even stay here past Monday. So Monday she flew to Michigan. She's going to be there all week. Luckily, she got sick as a dog.

So she's just in bed. I think she's in the Red Roof Inn right now. What'd she do with all her shit? storage In Boston. Okay. Nice. Yeah All right. Well, listen the logo this week is from Bob logo great logo. It's obviously the Bruce Springsteen album and And then I gotta ask whoever Emily Neenan is, I had a really good logo from her and I can't find it. I have her name in here because it was a calendar. If she could resend it, I'd appreciate it.

The song this week is from Nick and Dan, Two Brothers. And what's really cool is that one visited the other one in Atlanta from London and they banged out bunged out banged out four songs for our show while while he was visiting so we're gonna roll those out over the next four weeks oh i thought bunged out was what they banged out are you asking me if it's banged out. And you flesh something out. Corrections. Pope Francis died at 96 is what I said. Fact, Pope Francis died at 88. It's a pretty big difference, especially to Frank.

Yes. Yeah. Michael McGovern said Greg Fx machines were invented in 1843 Interestingly interestingly the samurai weren't abandoned as a cast until 1865 there was a 22 year period in which a samurai from feudal Japan Theoretically could have faxed Lincoln though the first international call didn't happen till 1927, so it involved travel. Got it. By the way, a little fun fact, our logo is Greetings from Asbury Park. Just missed 71. Most of it recorded in the middle of 72. Was it that long ago? Yeah, released in January of 73. Wow.

Most of it was recorded June 72. Damn. Then we got. Dave says, you guys kill me when you talk about guns and military stuff. Mike stated that the AR-15 was an automatic rifle because it's an AR and AR-15 is a semi-automatic rifle. One round is fired for each trigger pull and the AR stands for ArmaLite rifle, the original manufacturer.

Very good. Yeah. I walked into it and then I'm like, wait, it has to be like in the middle of talking. I'm like, well, yeah, there's the AR, I sound so stupid. I stand corrected. Anyway, this guy Dave says, if we ever need questions, he actually leaves his phone number. He's a Blackhawk pilot. So that's kind of badass. Dave, if you want to write in next week,

I think I've told this story before, but I was landing on a plane. I only had like, you know, a half hour left or something. And I was bored out of my head. I'm like, you know what, let me just find a scene. Let me find like the Copa scene or whatever from Goodfellas or any scene from Goodfellas. It wasn't on there. Black Hawk Down was on there. I went to when those I went right to when they were heading in and over the

ocean. And I remember saying like, you know how hard that was for Ridley Scott, like the military, basically the cavalry in the form of helicopters was done, you know, in apocalypse. Now, he had to find a new filmic way and he did, it was this sunny reflection of the water and then the shells in slow motion. Anyway, that movie blows my mind the guy next to me literally nudged me is like, this is one of my favorite movies and scenes of all time. And apparently it's incredibly hard to do with all the all the coordination of stunts and the crash and then shooting going on and in the same frame,

I forget the name of it, I should know it because I'm in the creative biz, but when the bullet goes off on the clothing you're wearing, you know, that they make it look like you were shot. And those are very rarely in the same shot. Squibs? Yes, and they're very, very, because the timing, they're very rarely in the same shot. Squibs? Yes and they're very very because the timing

they're very rarely in the same shot so anyway I'd like to hear a Black Hawk pilots take on Black Hawk Down. First of all I'd like to point out that when you said you talked about you talked about the invasion and then you said that must have been so hard and I'm'm thinking, yeah, those fucking pilots. And you were like, for Ridley Scott to shoot that scene. It took longer. It's true. And more expensive and maybe more expensive.

More expensive, you had to sit with that. I wonder if it was more expensive. That's an interesting question. Well, I got a very, very strong talking to when I was at David Spade showbiz show, I came up with a bit and I would give credit to another writer, I probably wouldn't even if another writer did it because it didn't go well. But it really was my idea. I couldn't believe CBS was giving us so much notes on, which was MTV Networks and Paramount.

And they were giving us so many notes. I'm like, you were the same people that own CBS. Have you seen CBS with the CSI? Like, it's a fucking bloodbath. So I had David Spade do a bit. It was done in one show and we were told never to do it again and it was Did more people die on CBS last night or in? Iraq

No shit. Yes Did more Americans die on CBS last night violently or in our war? And they told you to stop yeah Yeah, and Spade loved it. And we were told in no uncertain terms, the call went up the chain. Like you are, shut that shit down. By the way, did you watch 60 Minutes this past week? I watched the editorial at the end.

That was crazy. If people don't know, 60 Minutes, which I don't, yeah, they might appear to skew left, but the truth is, it is a journalistic fucking juggernaut. It has been around for 60, 70 years, and they are completely corroborated and researched every bit of journalistic integrity

in the world is put into that show and then they did a story that Trump didn't like and they were pressured by the government. The government started editorializing or trying to and the executive producer of the show for the last 30 years or so Hewitt, one of the biggest legends in all of TV. He's had the number one show every week or you know, whatever, depending on the metric, but up there, easily one of the most successful franchises in television history. And again, take your flags off. You are not Americans. This is not American to start shutting down journalism

American to start shutting down journalism by the government. This is dangerous. Well wait, to be fair, and I don't know a lot, I mean it's Paramount who are the pussies in this. Well Paramount is about to fold into some corporate merger and because Paramount is the parent company for 60 minutes, they are they are being pressure, the government is not going to approve the merger unless 60 minutes stops putting out stories that are unflattering to Trump. That's the nuts and bolts of it, including this story.

Which story that Trump doesn't like what's going on at 60 minutes, which now is also a story and he doesn't like that because he's the biggest crybaby ever. Anyway, if you want to cheer up, come on out. I'm going to be in Huntington, California at the Mamba May 4th, Escondido Grand Comedy Club May 9th and 10th, then I'll be in Cincinnati at the Commonwealth something May 16th and 17th, Tampa Florida, Naples Florida, Torrance, Austin, Point Pleasant New Jersey, La Jolla. Go to

FitzDog.com. I'm coming to Skank Fest in New Orleans in the fall. Get some tickets at FitzDog.com. You got something to crinkle Mike Gibbons? Oh man, do I? I have an envelope right here, man. Let's get to the front page. Oh wow. People really like my crinkle at home. I should travel with that. It's a WGA envelope that usually has a check for the total amount of two cents, but it has a plastic window in it that cuts through our filters. Oh, I love that. Yes. So front page, this story was big this week.

Keep in mind, it's Wednesday. 100 men versus gorilla death match goes viral. The internet has been launched into a frenzy by the question, who would win in a fight between 100 men and a singular gorilla, with many across the web weighing in on the battle of the primates. Some don't tell religious people, but we're we're we are related to gorillas. Some commentator

commentators below the tweet, which was viewed a staggering 288 million times he's have declared the 100 men would prevail in the bout because of the overwhelming number advantage over the gorilla. But while there is debate over the declared the 100 men would prevail in the bout because of the overwhelming number advantage over the gorilla. But while there is debate over the Victor, the internet is in agreement that the first man to engage with the gorilla in combat first, how about the first 20, would not be making it out alive with social media users now making memes on the gruesome fate of the first guy whose skull would probably be cracked like an egg.

Yes, yes. I think 20 is about right. I think the first one, it depends on like, I thought about this. If you were to send in a hundred of us, we would, we'd run in with some machismo, three guys would get their heads taken off and we would scatter and we would be picked off one by one. But if you got a hundred Navy Seals and some went for the legs, seven guys went for each arm, four guys tried to put them in a headlock, then they could take them down probably with 30 guys. To me, it's like one of those things where have you ever seen something really small like ants, like take over a mouse or like little bugs that take over something way bigger and it fights them for a while, but it's just they get buried.

Well first of all, I don't know that the gorilla was the right choice. I think a bear would be harder to subdue for 100 men or even a hippo. I don't think 100 guys would ever get a hippo down. No way. I think a gorilla is so agile. Listen, don't get me wrong, a bear is insanity, but I just think a lot of guys could get on the bear's back.

While the bear's killing people in front, of course. But a giant grizzly bear, they are so, they have so many layers of fat, you couldn't injure. The thing is you gotta think about injuring them. Like I really feel like with a gorilla, there's some spots you could injure them. Yeah, maybe you suffocate it with your buddy, right? You jam them deeper into the jaws.

Right, right. I don't know, of course there'd be strategies. So anyway, they asked AI, and AI has done all these simulations. So there's tons of viral videos now from this. And I mean, what know, what about, what about like a bunch of rings of men? You know, the first ring is a tight one

and then you just rush in. So it's like 20 circles smashing in on it. Maybe you get suicidal guys, big suicidal guys, like you use the suicide hotline, and you try to suss out the most violent of the men that are calling into Sue, and you get them and you put them in the inner ring. Yeah. What about this? What about? Meanwhile, some porn star just took on a hundred guys and she came out on top. She did. Well, what about one human

versus a hundred hungry New York City rats in a box, in like a contained, like a small room with no windows and door. Yeah, you would die. A lot of rats would die. But also, you know, when you grab that rat who's already bit you, right, and you throw it against the wall, that's not going to kill it. No. Like the girl is killing just his back swipe of his hand crushes your skull what about one Israeli soldier versus a hundred pro-Palestinian sorority girls and they're each on six white claws I thought you already did rats I thought

you already did poisonous disgusting create a minute I bet you already did poisonous, disgusting. Wait a minute. I bet you, you're probably right. This is well, listen, forget 100. I just want to see Jake Paul take on the gorilla. That's all. No, both. I'll pay. Both the Pauls, both the brothers.

You know, back when I was at Kilburn, I forget what big pay per view was going on at the time, whatever. And I'm like, there should just be an illegal pay-per-view. And it's Tyson versus, and I think I even said like, what if it was Tyson versus a great white, but this is the most immoral thing ever, of course. But if it's Tyson and wrong in a shallow pool where he could, you know, maybe it's five and a half feet deep or more. And it's him versus a great white shark. Well, how could he possibly win that? Tune in and find out.

And it's an illegal pay per view off of like from Taiwan. And you just charge $20. I mean, did you know what that payday would be? Well, you realize we're just going back to the ancient Roman days. This is what they did in the Colosseum. They literally had bears versus crocodiles, and they just put animals against animals.

But there was a new, yeah. I think when they did it against men, they would injure the animals. Like they do with bullfighting, they would injure them first. I mean, bullfighting, how fucking barbaric is that? Oh, it's crazy. Hold on, I'm looking up. This is news, I think this week, a gladiator lion.

Those are the two words I'm putting into news. Now I'm looking at news results. Archaeologists, two days ago, archaeologists find first evidence of a Roman gladiator versus lion battle. Bite marks on the skeleton reveal the first physical evidence of Roman gladiators fighting lions. It was teeth marks in his hip, I think. Yeah, I think what I read was that they would injure the lion very badly before the fight. Well it's like the bulls. Yeah. What about one pope

versus a million diabetes cells? I think we don't know how that ends. Yeah I think we just saw that. Oh my god I did a joke I've been doing this joke about heaven and hell and about like what heaven must really be like and it just must be a lot of blowjobs like all the good guys you know like Gandhi is getting a blowjob but it's got to be from women from hell. I thought Gandhi was blowing you. I'm like what is happening here? No. That is hungry. But he's on a hunger strike. But I then I said and then the Pope comes in you're like, Oh,

Pope's gonna blow job and then he gets on his knees and you're like, Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense. But it used to be about the old Pope. So I accidentally did that joke on Saturday night. And the crowd fucking booed. Wow. I realized I had a really good joke. That joke used to kill and now I can't do it anymore. Because?

Because Francis is the most recently dead pope. The joke doesn't work for him. It worked for the guy that was sending priests all over the world. It was moving priests from parish to parish. Oh, oh, oh, because Francis is beloved. I thought it just might be because it's too soon. It's probably both. No, it's because he was the good pope. Oh, boy. All right. Yeah. Anyway. All right. Let's get to a suspect has been arrested and

charged in connection with last week's theft of Homeland Security Secretary Christine Gnomes-Purce. of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem's purse. Mario Leva, 49, was arrested Saturday and charged with wire fraud, aggravated identity theft. Noem was dining at Capitol Burger in DC when her purse went missing. She told the Secret Service, who alerted the field office, her government ID was gone, her credit cards. Liva was allegedly seen on surveillance footage sitting in a chair close to Nome. He scooted his chair back closer to the purse, bent down with a jacket over his arm, picked it up and used her credit card to make food and alcohol purchases that totaled more than $200! Way to go for it. So the Justice Department said

Liva is from Chile and that he is in the US illegally. NPR has not been able to I independently verify that claim. Yeah, they haven't been able to and they haven't tried. They really don't want this guy to be illegal. Hold on a minute here. Yeah, I'm looking up a little too neatly into the to the Republican narrative right now. Okay, get this. This is Newsweek, right? This is Newsweek.

This is real. This is real news. Suspect arrested after Christy Noam purse. She had cash in her purse also she says. Yeah. How much cash do you think was in her purse? According to her? She's gonna say $700. $3,000. No, I'm just telling you what I'm why would you have $3,000 in her purse? I don't know. But don't you make she have $3,000 in her purse? I don't know, but don't you make up whatever you want once the purse is stolen? I say, Yep. Yep.

You can blame the poor immigrant. I don't know. Maybe she had 3000 and she has a very good reason. Like she sells fentanyl. I don't know what the reason is. I do think every time I think I lost my wallet, I always think in my head how much was in there. It's always way more than what I find in there. Yes. Okay, she, according to CNN, the contents of the bag, including gnomes, driver's license, prescription medication,

apartment keys, passport, DHS access badge, holy shit, makeup bag, blank checks, and where is she fleeing the country? And approximately $3,000, this is the most suspicious bag I've ever seen. A plastic straw, a razor blade. She said the 3,000 was to treat her family to dinner, activities, and Easter gifts. Apparently there were no credit cards in the in the bag.

Oh, my God, that's fucking hilarious. So when they found the bag, none of the money was in it. I have no idea. Yeah. Okay. Well, I think I told you, ladies, be careful. I was at a very fancy restaurant in Santa Monica, Wally's, and Wally's has like the communal tables, right, these big, beautiful marble tables with kind of high chairs. And that's the this, you know, they also have a restaurant, but that's this area where you're

going for cocktails and happy hour and hors d'oeuvres and stuff. And I was on a date. This is years ago. I was on a date and the date didn't go like she was very nice, but it was like boring and she probably thought the same about me. So we were just like, one drink, let's go. Bag stolen. So I'm like, oh, immediately I'm like, oh, you know, and I was very like, oh, shit, well, let me go out and check the garbage is and she's like, they're not going to be in the garbage in the New Yorker. He's like, I don't think you know what you're talking about.

But she's like, it was a Chanel bag. I'm like, Oh shit, she's right. So anyway, get this man, when your her bag was stolen, it had her phone in it. So she is stranded. The cops come, they'd show the security footage. It happened just like this description, exactly like it. He had a jacket over his arm. He walked by her chair and it was slung over her chair and walked out with it.

And they showed us the video right then. Well, she can't go home because not only her apartment keys in there, but her address is in like they know where she lives because of her driver's license. Oh, shit. So the police are like, well, we have to call. Do you have a number of a locksmith? Like you have to change your locks tonight. Yeah. And then she had to borrow my phone. She memorized one of her parents phone numbers. Maybe it was

still the home phone. I don't know. And, but like, now this date with a boring person, let's make it more about me here, I had to stay for fucking ever because this person was stranded and like, what could she do? That's awful. So she moved in with me for two months.

Two months and you had to have sex with her every single day. I had the locksmith change my lock from the inside. She couldn't get out. I just wanted to make sure she was that safe. Can I get the Harvey Weinstein please? Yeah, but no, you are screwed. Clearly he could find her car right near there,

like with the, you know, here's a Mercedes. He just walks along doing the key fob. Did you ever follow up with her to see what happened? No she has no phone. No I did of course but not for you know it was Monday I think she was a little I think she thought I could have been more energized, but, and I thought I was, but. Maybe she thought she was on Love on the Spectrum. With me? Because she was sitting across the table from me? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I think I'd be happier. I'm not as happy as those people. That's one way I know I'm not that deep on the Spectrum. Well, this all brings up a big ethical question. So why don't we segue in. All right, let's wait, hold on. Right? Yep.

Paper, crinkle, just happened. I'm waiting for you. Aren't you reading me an ethical question? Oh, okay. Well, we got a piece of mail last week. Jason Cobb was commenting on- I didn't read this, by the way, because I thought you were going to do it to me.

So I'm not even reading it now. Well, Jason Cobb said that we talked about whether or not it's ethical that my gardener wants to charge me cash. Right. And I said that I want to write it off on my taxes. And then a bunch of people wrote in and said, asshole, you can't write off off on my taxes. And then a bunch of people wrote in and said, asshole, you can't write off gardening on your taxes.

Only like structural work that you have done to your place you can write off. Anyway, Jason Cobb said, Mike may relate to this point of view. The landscaper may be going through a divorce and would likely show less for alimony and child support and to cheat on his taxes as a bonus. Hold on it's Erin let's talk to her don't tell her. No please tell her

it's illegal please tell her. Hey! Nothing doing your show? Yes. Go away. Goodbye. Perfect response. Perfect response. You got so lucky finding someone that tolerates you. So anyway, that's a good point. Maybe he doesn't want to pay for his children on any level. So yeah, let me help him out with that. God forbid his children get some fucking money out of them. There's a million reasons you could also lower it so you get like if his kids are gonna go to college, you know, now he can apply for grants and scholarships and financial aid of any sort. Alright, so here's the ethical question I have for you this week. Okay, good, yeah.

I have been visiting and helping out a solitary older gentleman through a mutual aid organization. He clearly values our time together, but on a recent visit he revealed repugnant beliefs that Jews control the world and black people are genetically inferior to whites. My attempts to disabuse him went nowhere. Well, maybe you should try abusing him instead of disabusing him. Yeah, or just dissing him, yeah. Does my ethical obligation to help this person

override a desire to reject those ideas? Oh. Does it even matter if an isolated person believes terrible things? Okay. I I got the answer but I want to hear yours first I don't feel good about this they're old it's confusing I'm assuming they're an old black Jewish person and maybe self-hatred is the real issue and you stay with them and help them with that. Now, if

he's an old white person who's not Jewish, we got problems. Yeah, right. Well, this is my view. I'll just spit it out so we're not wasting time. My view is I can keep, I can look while still helping him. I can look for someone else who, who isn't filled with it's I think I can say hate or hateful views. Certainly incredibly ignorant. First, I would try to disabuse them, but it sounds like this person did. So first I would try to educate him, which is not opinion. I would educate him on some things. Yeah. By the way, I think I might make it somewhere because we agree on the Jews. So then I'd move on to the next topic. So he would feel validated and he would know I'm not totally crazy. So then he would maybe listen to me about the blacks. So, all right, so there's that.

But I think I would try to set them up for success in staying alive or whatever that means as best I could and maybe find someone who didn't have such sort of, you know, those views. Well, here's another layer to that question. What if you're a home care worker who's being paid very well to work with this person and they espouse these beliefs?

Do you, are you ethically going to leave that work position? Does the money have any effect about somebody's decision to break this relationship off? I know. Okay. Well, what's the answer they give? They say, let's stipulate that this fellow acquired these beliefs from growing up in a community rife with prejudices. Still, the fact that they came up suggests that they came up suggests that they're central to who he is, just as your recognition that they're repugnant

is central to who you are. The perfect kind of friendship, Aristotle said, is that of good men who resemble one another in virtue. That's a wildly demanding ideal, and helping out this gent doesn't require that you be friends. I like the Aristotle name drop but I hate Greek men so it doesn't work for me. Right and and the Greek men were very prejudiced. Speaking of prejudice let's get to entertainment.

Speaking of prejudice, let's get to entertainment. Here we go, crinkle it up. There we go. Alright, Terrence Howard, who I love. I gotta say what was that movie he did, Hustle and Flow? Hustle and Flow is one of my favorite movies in the last 20 years. Yeah, it's a great, great movie. I actually have a screenplay idea that's not dissimilar from it Terrence Howard almost starred in a biopic of legendary soul singer Marvin Gaye but there was one major hold-up for the actor during an appearance on Bill Maher's podcast he said he turned down the starring role in

a film with Lee Daniels about playing Marvin Gaye in a biopic. However, the Empire star said that he passed on it because he found out that Marvin Gaye's sexuality from Quincy Jones, he said to Quincy, I'm hearing rumors that Marvin was gay and Quincy was like yes after that revelation Howard decided he could not star in the movie they would have wanted to do that and I wouldn't have been able to do that he said of portraying a gay man in a movie Mar went on to ask you mean you couldn't kiss a guy on screen in a movie Howard responded no because I don't fake it that would fuck me said. I would cut off my lips if I kissed some man,

I would cut my lips off. Yeah, he can't, all right, so he can't pretend, I love these people. Now, he goes, I can't pretend to do that. Meanwhile, he played a fucking pimp and a drug dealer in Hustle and Full. Were you a pimp and a drug dealer? Maybe he was, actually.

He pretended to do crime and kill people, right? I don't know. Yeah, he was also a frog in a Disney movie. Are you a frog? You can't pretend to be a frog for fucking $3 million probably? Well, I just learned I'm not gonna take care of him if he's ever, Terrence Howard's ever in an old folks home.

There you go, right. I'm not gonna do that. He played Al Cowlings in the OJ Simpson story. So do you aid and abet murderers? Yeah. He played Cassius Clay in King of the World. Are you a boxer? Or did you have to pretend to be a boxer? Good points, Greg. You could probably keep going with the list. He played Jackie Jackson from the Jackson 5 in the Jackson and American Dream, and Jackie Jackson abused his wife.

He had a restraining order. He also aided and abetted a, I think, a child molester, allegedly. And finally, he made his Broadway debut playing Brick in the Tennessee Williams play Cat on the Hot Tim Roof. Guess what? Brick has a gay scene with a guy and the guy ends up killing himself. Yes! Well the other character is gay and there's a flirtation and then the other character kills himself is there a rape Tennessee was did not avoid the rape issue oh who's that streetcar named desire had a

rape yeah Wow I mean maybe he would just call it non-consensual I think it was full-blown rape though. Well, now that we're off the algorithm, let's go to Make America Florida. Make America Florida, here we go. A Florida man with the last name, I mean, I love this. A Florida man with the last name Cocaine was arrested for allegedly threatening employees

at a Subway restaurant at Knife Point after he was upset by their bad attitudes. Edward cocaine. He should have a cape that says that on the back. You know, Florida should be a cape of the Florida state flag and it says Edward cocaine on it. Yeah. I mean, Florida is not that dissimilar to New York.

You'll find cocaine on find cocaine in a subway. Yeah. There you go. Edward Cocaine, 45, was arrested over the weekend after he allegedly flipped out at a subway in Broward County while trying to order food with a pal, Brevard County, while trying to order food with a pal. Cocaine sparked an argument with the employees

over what he believed was poor customer service, which quickly escalated. That happens with cocaine. It quickly escalated after he had hurdled over the counter, pushed one of the employees and pulled out a knife. Cocaine was eventually talked down by his friend, and they both left the restaurant. Sheriff deputies brought cocaine and his friend in to be interviewed the restaurant. Sheriff deputies brought cocaine and his friend in to be interviewed shortly after cocaine was able to confirm that the man in the security

footage was him. And this is line word for word from the article to security footage was him and he admitted that he crossed the line when he pulled out the knife and I think cocaine of all things should definitely know where the line is. There you go and you need a knife sometimes to you know to carve out the line. Cocaine really gets going sometimes but eventually he comes down eventually he mellows out. I just love that a judge is gonna have to call him Mr. Cocaine. Mr. Cocaine, please approach the bench slowly. Yes.

Mr. Cocaine, please stop talking. Please stop testifying. You have the right, the cop says, you have the right to remain silent, although I doubt you're capable of it. Exactly. You have the right not to pitch me your screenplay. About hustle and flow. Also when they wake his cellmate up they're like, yeah, you got a new cellmate,

cocaine. It's like my dreams have come true. Where are we going to put the cocaine? Where are we going to put it? Yeah, you got to get him in his own storage. All right, let's make America Texas again. Here we go. Texas police are searching for a man who they said hid plastic eggs full of marijuana in parks as part of a scavenger hunt for Easter and offered clues to people who bought drugs from him the day of the event. The man, this guy sounds great. The man, 23 year old Avante Nicholson posted about the eggs on Facebook, almost like he was hosting a scavenger hunt police said.

The eggs were allegedly hidden on April 20th in three parks and a motel in Lufthansa. in three parks and a motel in Lufkin. 420, dude! Yes. He also said those who bought drugs from him that day would get clues on how to find the eggs. Nicholson allegedly posted a photo of five plastic eggs inside a vehicle, as well as photos containing hints

as where they could find them. They found four eggs and the next day, a man and his granddaughter found the fifth egg in a park and what did they do Greg unlike you with your granddaughter one day they took it to the police oh they should have smoked and sold it yes i know well first of all i think that in this country right now people would rather go on an egg hunt for actual eggs. Yeah, more valuable. Yes.

I know, but how cool. I would never smoke weed I found in an egg in a park. No way. That's a fentanyl egg. Well, it's a fentanyl egg and you're gonna smoke it and then the first thing you're gonna want is eggs and you can't get any. Forget Fabergé, it's a fentanyl egg.

I would never do it. I like this guy. All right, we moving on? Are we skipping sports? I just wanna mention one thing. You don't even need to crinkle. This is just a comment. Because obviously the big thing was Shador Sanders, Deion Sanders' son,

went in like the fifth round of the draft and it was the biggest fucking news story in sport. I feel like it was the biggest story of the year. Who cares? Who cares? Basically, the guy is a talented quarterback. He did not destroy, he did shitty interviews with the coaches, showed a bad attitude. Nobody considered him an elite athlete in any of the demonstrations, whatever they call them. He didn't do the combine or whatever,

he did something else. But so he didn't get it, he basically lost the job because he was an asshole. That's it, end of story. Yeah, wait, Dimmy, I didn't get it. He basically lost a job because he was an asshole. That's it. End of story. Yeah, wait, didn't he? I didn't really read any articles. I saw the headlines, but did he maybe act like an a hole with all the interviews and everything? Because yeah, that's what I just said. It's literally what I just said three seconds ago. Oh, I heard the first part where you're like, he was an idiot. But all right, it is proven that was

on purpose. Yeah, all the coaches said that they just didn't want him on their team, basically, you know? So I hear now he's gonna go after the Pope job. Right. They'll hire any asshole. Well, you could do your Pope material again if you get an unlikable guy in there. Woo! I like that. You could do your Pope material again if you get an unlikable guy in there.

I like that. All right. Are we going down to this day in history? Let's go down to this day in history. Wow. We're really jumping around here. But it's over an hour, man. Okay.

All right. Clock watcher. Four kids in Ohio died on this date in what year at Kent State. It was a demonstration that turned deadly when the Ohio National Guard shot four unarmed students and wounded nine others. That also a big part of the documentary on 19 I can well I just blew it. Well you're gonna say I cheated but this was in the documentary. Well I'm thinking that there was there was a Crosby Stills and Nash song called Ohio that was about this event that they were around since 67. They talk about Nixon,

tin soldiers and Nixons. I also assumed you knew this was a Vietnam protest. Yeah, yeah. So I'm gonna go 71. I'm gonna say it's the same year as those albums came out. Yeah, so I didn't give you any years. I probably would have given you give or take one, so I'm gonna give this one to you. It's 1970. Okay. Right in technically early 1970, I guess you could say. Okay, next one. The first Grammy Awards were presented. And I'm going to give you some clues. The winners included Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, and the Kingston Trio. What year were the first Grammy Awards presented, give or take five years 1953. I love it. 1959. Son of a bitch. Missed by one. OK, let's see. Then it got a little thin here.

Haymarket, right? In Chicago. I don't think you know anything about that. Now you did know you read, I think, two books on this. So I'm going to give you this one. Napoleon landed at the island of Elba to serve. Hold on. Yeah, it is important to serve the first of Elba to serve. Hold on. Yeah, this is important to serve the first of his two exiles. Napoleon landed on the Isle of Elba the first time or his first exile anyway,

and Elba and it was on this day in what year give or take 20 years and give you a 51 year window 41 1860 1860 Yeah, I love it 1814. Golly you're doing horrible. Jesus. Let's see. Let's see American racehorse secretary had won the Kentucky Derby en route to capturing the US Triple Crown, which also includes the preakness in Belmont. So it was on this day. In what year did secretariat win the Kentucky Derby, give or take four years 1974. You nailed a kid 73. Nice. That was good. That was strong. Well, that felt

like an early childhood memory. Like I remember being being a kid and hearing about that. It was a big deal. Yeah. Also, I believe I have this right. I think that's where it was like a record breaking amount of lengths. I think,'s where it was like a record breaking amount of lengths. I think secretary, it was so far out in front. Right. Okay. English author, Virginia Wolf published to the lighthouse, one of her most successful and accessible experiments in the stream of consciousness style. So to the lighthouse, Virginia Wolf on this day in what year give or take 20 years 1938

you did it pal 27. Nice. All right. Let me see if I can get you one more. You're not going to do Did I go to Oh, the lead zeppelin cover of their first album took place in 1970 because of the Hindenburg disaster. The Hindenburg disaster was on this day in what year it was in Lakehurst, New Jersey. It was the first transatlantic crossing of the year for the German Hindenburg, and it burst into flames and was destroyed, killing 36 of the 97, I didn't know there was 97 people on board. So the Hindenburg was blew up,

burst into flames on this day in what year? Give or take 15 years. 1932. Good for you, 37. There we go. Well, I was thinking it had to be before World War II, or they wouldn't have been coming over here. Nice. Whoa, that's a very good point. All right, we'll leave it there. This is an unofficial one. What year do you think Freud died? Sigmund Freud taught at Princeton University at the end of his life. I would think that has to be fact checked, but go ahead.

Oh, I'm thinking of Einstein. Yeah. All right, Freud, I'm gonna of Einstein. Yeah. All right, Freud. I'm going to say Freud died in 1954. I would have guessed later also he he didn't even make it to America in World War Two 1939. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. You did. Okay. Not bad. Well, slightly under 500 on that one. I don't want to use that phrase. All right. Letters to the editor. Letters to the editor. Let's see. Kyle Anderson says, Hey, Greg, big fan. I'm re-listening to the Sunday papers from the beginning again. question though, where can I find the podcast with you,

Mike, Zack, and I think one other person that that letter came in last week. And then this came in. I forgot to write it down. But it was Brody Stevens. Somebody wrote in. Remember that? Nice. Yes, of course. Yeah, we were in the back. And I remember Zach kind of forced Brody on me. And I didn't really know Brody that well when he brought him in. And I think I fell in love with him that day.

I doubt that. He is a, he's an acquired taste. Yes. Then this one came from, oh no, nevermind, I already read that.. I love them, but I did acquire that. We both acquired that taste obituaries. I think we could skip. Yeah. I found someone from nots landing and I found someone from, uh, Dallas. I mean, how weird. Oh, we did. We did. Yeah, it's weird. We did two actresses. We did find Lulu Roman, who was the large woman on he ha she's a comedian and a gospel singer. So nots landing and not funny. Oh boy. And she was 78. Let me scan this for

diabetes. See if the diabetes boy sees a diabetes got her. I'm just going to scan this for diabetes. See if the diabetes. Oh boy. See if the diabetes got her. I'm just going to search for DIA. And nope, died. Oh wait, one match for DIA. What word do we think it is? This is a fun game. DIA I searched in the article. What word do you think it found?

It says there's one result. Dialogue. There's one match dialogue there's one match son of a fuck just Diane Prince Diana you piece of shit it's probably not even in the article it's probably it's in pregnant ad on this thing yep it wasn't let's see wait I will find it podcasting good podcasting it was in the word comedian DIA okay diabetes I have good news for her family I don't think diabetes was part of the cause all right let's get to the funnies we got to cheer

up after that dead piece of podcasting here. Okay, we do the caption contest every week. We give you guys one single picture and you write us a funny caption. And when you do it, you send it into FitzDoggRadio at gmail.com. If you win, you get yourself a Sunday paper scoozie. We ask that when you write it in, you write your joke and then your name right underneath it. And then we read it we picked the winner last week's caption was two dogs one of them is sitting on a desk chair that's not the caption oh this is the comic the dog is sitting on the chair in front of a computer he's got one paw on the keyboard and and there's a monitor and the other dog is on the floor looking up at him and the dog on

the chair is talking to the dog on the ground. So first off somebody wrote in, oh Tom, on OnlyFans, on OnlyFans everyone knows you're a dog and they'll pay good money to watch you lick your own ass Bruce Wise writes in okay okay yeah I'm just saying okay okay then Tom said as you know the trick to a good dating profile is a great picture so you really got to get your butt in that camera. That's good. Not bad. That's better. Matt rare said the first draft was a little rough. Are you ff? I guess it was spelled that way. David Dravinak says the debate is over. They used my name for the password, which means they love me more. Clever. I like it. Oh, yeah, that is clever. Kelly Holmes says I just booked a trip to bark bedos.

Okay, Kelly. Kenny Engel said stay seated son. doggy style.com is about to blow your mind. It would be confusing to the poor kid. about to blow your mind. It would be confusing to the poor kid. John Tilson says and then he'll click this button and you'll sit there and watch him whack off. Oh all right I thought it might have been more disguised but okay. There was a number of which McCall references. Ball lickingicking Sean from Toronto said see one click and it's gone remember when we had to eat the homework that was a bad read for a funny joke see yeah one click and it's gone remember when we had to eat the

homework right I like that one a lot unfortunately Sean put that he's from Toronto which he's not but also I don also, I don't think I mean, I think I think they were always blamed for eating the homework. I don't think they ever did. No, but that's what makes it funny is it turns out they were actually eating the homework. Oh, all right. Rich Butschko says RFK says the rabies vaccine will make our puppies become kittens. Oh, okay. They're found more of a thing.

Stovetop says, I just Googled the bitch. Okay, that's short. I like how short that is. Matthew Tobowski from Halifax, Nova Scotia. Yeah. We like Matthew. So, you want to see hot poodles with noodles? Thank God, Matthew, you didn't nail it.

I'm not sending it to Nova Scotia. John Allen said, wait, what? You haven't seen two girls, one pup? Okay, wow, that's a callback. In full disclosure, we got three of that exact joke. Oh, all right. Wade Daniel says, dogdicks.com went out of business, but I know some good lipstick websites. All right. Dan said rusty. You

thought it was weird. They pick up our shit on walks. You should see what these two girls do with a cup. Yeah. Nathan Shleif says daddy, what's human style? Okay. Jack from San Francisco says, Gross, they lick pussy without peanut butter? These dogs are very aware. Yeah. That's it.

So we got to go back. My vote. My vote is the I like the password one a lot. The debate is over they use my name for the password which means they love me more yeah your kids could do that too probably I like it all right sure that's the winner honorable mention to the guy in Toronto. Remember when we had to eat the homework. All right, send us your address.

We'll get it out to you. As soon as Mike gets home from Nashville, he's gonna run to his desk. He's gonna send off the koozie. It's gonna be a little wait, I have to say, because I'm also then driving across the country with Sophie driving her car back from Michigan. Oh, no kidding, really? Yeah. Did she use her car a

lot in college? Yep. Well, senior year only. We drove it out there a year. I know. But what did she need a car for in college? I know you could have debated that. But I mean, it's not like she was in a big city. So she did use it for sure. Okay. Yeah. All right right so next week's cartoon that you need to caption is a woman she's laying in bed it's nighttime the light is on she's reading a book she's got her glasses on and there's a gentleman standing on the bed at the foot of the bed and he looks very much

like a stand-up comedian in a suit. He's got a cocktail in his hand, I want to say. And his other hand is in his pocket. And he's talking into the mic, which is in a mic stand towards the woman. She's not paying attention to him. Give us a caption. Winnie koozie. Now, yeah, all right, we'll leave it up to interpretation. I don't know if everyone will think that's a stand up comedian. What else would it be? It looks like her dad giving a speech at her wedding. Oh, that's true. It could be that. It could be someone giving a toast. Yes, I should not have put that on. It's a man in a suit standing in front of a microphone with looks like a drink in his hand talking to her. She's not paying attention. He doesn't look young. He looks

middle-aged. He looks like he's old enough to be well he's not super old. All right. All right. Let's get to the pros here. Yeah. Hager is in a pub and he throws a dart at the wall. The king looks at him and he goes, I stopped to see how practice is going for the upcoming tournament. We widen out to see that the wall has a dartboard and next to the dartboard on the wall is a picture of the king and the dart is on the king's nose in the wall, and the king says, I don't know if I, if your aim is terrible or terrific, and Hager goes, I think you do. Yes.

And then I- Right in the nose. And then they widen out a little bit further, and it's a picture of his wife, and she's got a cock in her mouth. Whoa, I mean the algorithm has just gone to hell. There we go. There goes our nine dollars on YouTube this week. I would have taken it. A couple coffee. All right, then we got, we got Leroy Lockhorn sitting on the table in the doctor's office, and the doctor says,

the good news is there's no injury. The bad news is that that's how you'll feel at your age. You'll always feel at your age. That's how you'll always feel at your age. Yep. I think us older gents can all relate to that one. Yeper, that's just, that's not even creative. That's the real deal.

Okay, now we've got Loretta talking to Leroy. He's in a chair and she's wagging her finger in his face. And she goes, we need to talk Leroy and don't interrupt. That's very good. That's very funny. All right, before we get to blondie, we asked for you guys. So hold on I got a couple more lock horns. Oh, okay. All right. He's, he's reading a magazine and he sent and Loretta is in the background cooking. And he goes, here's an interesting item. In some cultures, cooking is considered to be a delicacy. Good. All right. So you told me some people suggested we put it we asked instead of me

continuing with Doonesbury to switch gears because God that was death is death. So I have an article here called the 12 longest running Sunday comic strips. You ready? You haven't even heard of most of these. I think cats and jammer kids. Never heard of it. Exactly. It isn't widely known anymore, but it's holds a few Sunday funnies distinctions. Whatever. Then there was gasoline alley. I remember hearing about that. Yeah, I remember gasoline alley wasn't bad. 1918 to present. Wow. Listen to this. It was created by this Frank King in 1918 during his tenure at the Chicago Tribune. The premise is pretty straightforward. This trip follows a group of automobile enthusiasts who

meet in an alley. It largely revolves around a main character, Walt Wallet, and his circle of family and friends. Listen to this, in 1921, King's editor asked for the comic to introduce a baby since he believed that would draw more female readers. To solve the problem of Walt being a, he was a bachelor, King had Walt discover a baby on his doorstep. Yeah, and the baby's name he gave it was skeezics, which is a cowboy slang term for an orphan

to calf. Anyway, then there's Barney Google never heard of it. There's little orphan Annie. Great one. They're frightening looking with just the white circles his eyes What's weird is it wasn't like daddy our buckle like her patron? Yes, and then but he looked very much like the guy who is the molester back in the 1930s He was grooming her. Yeah, who is the guy who was the groomer back in like the 1930s? He was a famous actor,

and then he was busted for child molestation. No idea. Oh, not Fatty Arbuckle. Maybe that's, there's Fatty Arbuckle, and then who was the guy who was Little Orphan Annie's kind of patron? What was his name? Oh, Daddy Warbucks?

I didn't know you were asking for the character's name. Yeah. Yeah. So this fatty Arbuckle and daddy warbucks, and one was a known child molester in real life. And the other one is little orphan Annie's patron. Fucking weird. Moving on. The next one is Popeye, which ended in 94, but 29 and 94. Then Blondie, 1930 to present. Then Dick Tracy. Then Prince Valiant. Then Brenda Starr. Brenda Starr and Prince Valiant are the two worst

of all time. Brenda Starr, reporter. Then there's, you know, I could start doing Beatle Bailey. I love Beatle Bailey. Cause we can do jokes about don't ask, don't tell. We can do jokes about Black Hawk Down. Or, oh no, no, I peeked ahead. I know what I want to do, but here are the last two.

Dennis the Menace. Yep. And BC. Oh yeah. BC was great. Yeah, I remember BC because I think it was one frame was a little like farsighted. You know what I mean? Okay, next week, next week, I'm going to hit you up with a BC. Okay, BC next week and closing it out. The the Bumstead family is sitting around. They're all properly dressed. It looks like they're a little bit maybe,

oh, they're at a restaurant, okay. Yeah, they're sitting around in public. So the son says, boy, dinner was great. Oh, no, no, no, they're home. They are home. Oh. Boy, dinner was great tonight, mom, thanks. And she goes, you're welcome, dear. And then he goes, I'm really gonna miss

these homemade dinners when I'm in college. And then Dagwood goes, yeah, but at least you'll be on your own. And then the son goes, or I could stay home, take online classes, and let mom keep cooking for me every night. Well, you've done it now, Dagwood. You've set the, you've modeled the behavior

for your son to just fucking soak the mother for meals and and nothing else that he didn't say and I could stay home and support mom help out mom. No, I can stay home and take more from this beautiful woman who already gives too much. The cuck did not fall far from the tree. Nope. Not at all. Not at all.

And by the way, he wouldn't be interrupting anything in the bedroom if he stayed home. They don't need an empty nest. Nothing's gonna happen. We know that. That's right. That's right. That nest, it could be, the only way sex is happening in that nest

is if she's the only one in it. That's when it happens. That's when orgasms fly. Yeah, heavy machinery. Don't forget if you want to pick up this hat or any merchandise related to the fifth anniversary of Sunday Papers, go to www.fitzdog.com, scroll down. And I also want to say Courtney Barnett. Listen to some Courtney Barnett, let me know what you think. Anything you want to plug, Mike? Yeah, man.

Mississippi Queen by Mountain. Go find the live performances. You know what I mean. He is rock and roll, man. Yeah, baby. All right. And the drummer. It's insane.

All right, all power chords. All right. We'll see you next week. Take it each. Take it each. It's a bye. The headlines are dumb but the jokes are sharp. Greg and Mike tear the world apart. Florida freaks to a senator's stunt. Someone's bound to get called a cut.

Roast the news with a knowing grin. Just two old pals, they're all in the same boat. The Hard to freeze to a senator's stunt Someone's bound to get called a cut Roast the news with a knowing grin Just two old pals letting chaos in So buckle up friend for the best of the hype It's the Sunday Painters with Greg and Mike