Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 265 5/25/25

Episode Date: May 25, 2025

Episode 265. 5 armed and dangerous prisoners on the loose in New Orleans, one unarmed and no longer dangerous prisoner (named P Diddy) creeps us out even more this week and a cat has been smuggling drugs into another prison.Watch Greg’s new special, “You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest”Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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The paper shut down for a week, the press has stopped. All on me. Greg made my life easier I was on the road and and we couldn't figure out times because you had also something anyway we couldn't do it yes so we should should have announced to you guys last week that we were taking the we are two weeks ago they were taking the week off but we usually don't plan the show until several days before Sunday and we got jammed. So anyway, thank you for caring. A lot of emails and

messages on all the sites and such. Thank you for caring with all your hate mail. There was some hate, but there was a lot of people that just said, you know what, this is a part of my week, it's part of my rhythm and I, and I miss you some masturbation references. I don't know what that means. We should put up an old episode when that happens. I think. Yes. We should do something. Something, some effort whatsoever. So here's where I was. All right. Where were you? I'm trying to remember the last time we did a podcast, but it was probably after graduation. You had Michigan. And so anyway, then we hit the road and first stop, wish I could take it back. So Sophie came down in Nashville, spent a couple of days in Nashville. That was very nice. And then first stop was Branson, Missouri.

Thought it would be kind of like, ironically fun, you know what I mean? And it's not. It's really depressing. And incredibly depressing. What's it like? Huh? What's it like?

It's like a, if Vegas was like a village, kinda, at least the waterfront area we went to, I had to get a good hotel because she then had to do the Zoom interview and have to have really good quality Wi-Fi, so anyway, you know, it's not a great place, but it's a standard place, And some Hilton or something. Anyway, Branson was depressing. We leave Branson, have lunch in Tulsa, that was great.

Then we pull into Amarillo, Texas. Amarillo, Texas has the big Texan restaurant. Yeehaw! I think Will Ferrell was just, did a scene there, you know, his documentary that he did will and his trans friend. All right, right. Harper Steel and SNL writer former. Anyway, so the big Texan restaurant, here's the deal.

They have a 72 ounce steak dinner. It's 72 ounces of steak, shrimp, salad, baked potato. If you can finish that in 60 minutes, it's free. Wow. And how much is it if you don't finish? The sad thing is I think it's only 72 bucks. I know. And wait till you see how much stake it is.

So anyway, you can go on YouTube, and like right now you can go on and see if someone's trying to do it right now. They have a live YouTube feed. They have six chairs, so six people can individually be going and they have six clocks, and they announce it to everybody. They announce the rules. So these two athletes from college got up there while Sophie and

I were there. One dude didn't even finish half and like kind of gave up. The other one had the leg going a million miles a minute, kind of like you do during podcasts. And he was doing the water technique like he had eating technique. He would like not even chew it all he would just put it in his mouth and then swallow it with the water. They had two buckets there like trash buckets. I guess people do throw up up there. I think you have to keep it down and the second guy did it. They say one out of ten guys does it and one out of every two women do it, which I thought was very interesting. But I think if you're a woman doing that,

I think you know something about yourself. Also my theory was, which of course I love telling Sophie, well, I think it's just because women are used to getting their meals paid for, so it's just more natural. It's just an expectation. Right, right, right. And the bucket was for the hand job after the free meal. Yeah, they're entitled to it.

Yeah. So anyway, the one guy didn't look like he was doing that great. They kind of gave it to him really because he didn't eat the skin of his potato. I don't know if that's one of the rules, but I go, God, he's not even in his baked potato yet she is a giant she's a big gal big Texan gal she's like oh I know honey what I said because they were they weren't fat guys they

were like athletes and she's like I felt so sorry for him when I was back in the kitchen I picked out the two smallest baked potatoes I could find. I know, let's find out a Texas accent. But anyway. That's fucking great. Yeah, so that was really fun. And then we were, the next day, oh yeah, then we went to Albuquerque, because my niece is there, Sophie's really a cousin

who's like best friends, and we saw her. And then after Albuquerque, it's like, all right, do we make a left to Sedona? Or do we make a right to Las Vegas to go see the dead in the sphere? Take a right, take a right. And we made the right choice. Yeah.

And it was great. Scalp tickets with like 10 minutes to go. Of course, Sophie was like, are you gonna pull this off? I'm like, just, just trust me. This is what you do. This is your gift. And we got right in and it was great. I mean, I know most people know about this fear.

The crazy thing was I should have realized so many deadhead friends and stuff. When I posted it after we left, my roommate from high school, Jack, who's in Wyoming, was at the show. He's like, are you still here? It was the next morning. That's crazy.

Yeah, and friends from New York as well. Michie DeBurbin. Yes, yes. Wait a minute, so here's the thing about seeing the dead at the Sphere is it's just, the right place to see the dead is like at an outdoor venue in upstate New York where tickets are $35 and you stand out front barefoot with a hemp dress

with a sign that says I need a miracle and then somebody, you give them a tofu sandwich and they give you a ticket, but going to Vegas and staying in a $300 hotel room and then buying a ticket, you know, but going to Vegas and staying in a $300 hotel room and then buying a ticket for $300, you're not getting real deadheads. Right. No, no, it was a little depressing.

It really felt like when everyone was waddling out of there, everyone was so old, because it skews, you know, older just because the ticket prices and it's the dead. But it was even old for a dead crowd and it felt very much like a cruise ship. They should have tickets, half price tickets, if you're under the age of 27. When did you see it? About a year ago, Dan Bricner had tickets, him and his wife could not make it for some reason and so they gave us the tickets like four or five days in advance. And we flew in stayed in a hotel, loved it, loved the show, loved the sphere, but hated

being in Vegas just I hate everything about it. I hate the airport. I hate the ride to the hotel. I hate the long lines to check in. You know, Brad Garrett's. I love Brad Garrett's club, but I don't like, you know, every time you want to get a burger, it's $32. And it's just annoying. And then the strip is gross. It's just all people in bad clothes that look poor nobody looks cool yeah no you got some solid points there so do you remember when they put up all like the ticket stubs and also like the backstage

pass laminates and posters of all their shows yeah and that was up over I'm like and I had told Sophie, I go, you know, I've seen them so many times. But one time was when Jack, actually, and my stepbrother, we drove across country. And I don't know how we knew this before the internet, but it was 1987. We were driving my sister's car out to USC from New York and we heard about these Dead

and Santana shows outside of San Francisco in Calaveras County. So I was telling Sophie about that when all the ticket stops were up there. And I'm like, oh, you know, there's a lot from 87 up here. But like, that's the tour I saw. And she's like, we're in San Francisco because she's now looking. And I'm like, yeah, it's actually made famous in this Mark Twain short story called The and shoulder and goes, Dad, and up on the wall is the jumping frog made the logo. You can see Santana was with them. It was outdoors.

It was crazy. Wow, that's really cool. This is what I love out of the story. So let me just backtrack for one second and say, I think it sounded really obnoxious when I said that it was awful on the strip, there was poor people. I just meant, I feel sorry for when I see people that look like they shop at Walmart,

and now they're spending 300 bucks on a hotel room, and they're getting gouged on everything, and then they're gambling and losing that money. It makes me sad that they didn't just go camping or doing something interesting that they'd remember. So you meant to say poor and stupid. Exactly. Anyway, come on about your stupid frog show.

All right, so this is what I left out of the story. So we drive up to Calaveras County. We don't have tickets or anything like that. But what we did have was acid. So the three of us drop acid. And then eventually we get in. I don't know how that happened. I mean, we got tickets somehow.

And we go in. And I remember one incident was Jeff. Also, Jeff is shirtless because he left all his clothes in Chicago and at Chris Volker, it's my roommate in college, and we had backed out over the suitcase. Like it was in the driveway with tire prints. And I had to find that out because we got to a payphone and he goes, call your friend,

but this is how the world used to work. So I had to call his like mom's house in Chicago and be like, was there a suitcase in the driveway? And she's like like there sure was. So Jeff just has shorts on and we go in and anyway, he at one point, you know, sometimes when you're tripping, like you just want to feel good about doing good and being good and so he helped this guy in a wheelchair

up a hill and the guy had no motor skills whatsoever and helped him all the way up the hill and then he got him to the hill and then all of a sudden, the next thing he goes, the next thing I know, I hear all this screaming and his fucking guys furious. And I'm like, what? So he looked and he was rolling down the hill. No way. And you're on acid.

And yeah, we're on. I just got the fuck away from that. And these other people were yelling at him. I think there were strangers. I don't think they knew the guy. Otherwise, they would have been helping him. So then, like, I remember biplanes came over, and I'm like, that's a little too much.

These biplanes were nosediving with trails of smoke. And I'm like, okay. I think having Santana melting my face right now is enough. So the show ends. The Santana plays the dead play. And now we get to our car and we're like, we can't fucking drive. And so we wait as long as we can, like parks closing, party.

So anyway, this really cute little dead head girl, but I mean our age probably, like around 19, she has teddy bears drawn on her face and she's like, hey, can you give me a ride to like San Francisco? And we're like, can we? Can you drive? And she goes, yeah.

And we're like, great, let's do it. So she gets in. So she gets into a car with three strange guys late at night after a dead show. And she goes, you can stay at my house. She's like, do you guys have a place to stay? You could stay at my house. No way.

We're going to my parents' house and we have room. We're like, this is a dream come true. No, we were so nice. So a couple things. My sister had some teddy bear we were bringing out there. So we used it in the backseat. When the guy got off his driving shift, we would use it as a pillow, right? Yeah. So at one point I'm driving and they're both tired,

Jack and Jeff in the back like fight over the teddy bear, right? So that happened like the day before. So now this girl who is driving three tripping men into San Francisco. Jack and Jeff getting a fight over the teddy bear in the back again. And it's like, you want the teddy bear on the way here. And they start screaming, and I'm just in the passenger seat looking at her like, what must she, and I'm just staring at her

with the biggest smile ever on my face. Like, you're hearing what I'm hearing, right? So we go into San Francisco. Thank God we didn't drive. We were still tripping so hard. We went over the Golden Gate Bridge and we had the most serious talk of why bridges shouldn't work at all. How are they even built? We had the craziest conversations, so crazy that she gets to her place and she goes here it is just you know i'm gonna park here and she goes i'll be right down i'm just gonna go check my parents i know they're gonna be cool about it and meanwhile it was like

two in the morning now and uh we never saw her again yeah. Meanwhile the guy in the wheelchair is wrapped around a telephone pole at the bottom of Haight Street. Yeah, totally. And boy, did the fight over the teddy bear really start then when no hotel would take us. It was like whatever it was, it was too late or we weren't 21. So that limited where we could go.

Yeah, it was terrible. Oh my God. That's great. Call us in with your dead stories. 1-800-SUNDAYPAPERS. Covered in dust, by the way, from the fairgrounds. Just covered. We were like dirt pigs. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's good. That's good. So congratulations to your daughter, graduate of Michigan, University of Michigan. That's good. So congratulations to your daughter, graduate of Michigan, University of Michigan.

That's pretty prestigious. That's amazing, man. I think we did the podcast, but anyway, Derek Jeter, captain, captain spoke at the graduation. He was a freshman. Yep. He said, he's like, I hate to admit this,

I think technically I'm still a freshman. Well, I'm sure the other freshmen were very happy to hear that. Exactly. Well that's awesome and now well we'll see what happens we'll see what happens you know it's she gonna go to grad school at some point? Well she has a job offer in New York and it looks like she's gonna take that up. So, and I love that she will be living as a poor person, so to speak, not the poor that you make fun of, Greg, but I mean someone who basically, all their money's gonna go, all their salary is gonna go towards rent.

Yes, and Owen is moving to New York at the exact same, he's moving in July, so they'll be able to hang out and party together. What the hell same he's moving in July so they'll be able to hang out and what the house you do together he he's not sure but he's got a place to land my wife's mother-in-law has an apartment that's open for the summer so he's gonna stay there for two or three months and find a job I got it he's got a bunch of leads meet with Ted fine meeting with I got a couple friends that are in sports and soccer in New York. You try to land something related to

soccer and communications. Doesn't he have a significant, well not significant, but a what's less than significant other? Insignificant other. Oh, well, not that less than significant. He's got a friend. Somewhat significant? Yes, he's dating a woman who is... We don't have to go into details. I'm just saying how does the move to New York affect that? I don't think it...

Well, actually, she's doing a residency in New York in August. What a coincidence. Yes, I know. I did not know that. Yeah, everything works out. What a coincidence. Yes, I know. I did not know that, all right. Yeah, everything works out. I went to urgent care this week because something was going on with my ear

where it sounded like fireworks were going off, like a brick of firecrackers was going off in my ear, like from a distance. Were you listening to our last podcast? Yeah. From a distance. Why, did I talk about this on the last podcast no no no i'm saying when our sparks fly man when we're on fire that's right that's right and that's why my leg bounces up into a lot of people comment on that also people people were

apparently it was pretty bad last week people were like i couldn't even listen like you were the microphone you could hear it and so I'm trying to calm down. I get excited. It's Sunday papers. So I go into urgent care and you know, urgent care during COVID was making bank. I don't know who owns urgent care, but there was a line down the block.

It was incredible. Taking a test that took approximately 30 seconds to administer and they are just rubber stamping fucking $150 bills to the federal government. Yep, and and so now they've kind of fallen on hard times They're back to the like STD tests and homeless people old guy. I got crackling in my ear This is gonna take a while. So I go in and I sign in. I'm the only one in the waiting room.

And I sat there for an hour. And you don't wanna sit because everything feels like it's got germs on it. It looks like a fucking White Castle. You know White Castle. There was one in the Bronx we used to go to when my brother went to Florida. Bulletproof fucking glass and that's what it felt like.

White Castle is the oldest, I know I'm writing some trivia lately, is the oldest fast food chain in the United States. No shit. I mean, A&W tries to steal a little of that thunder but A&W really wasn't a thing yet. It was just like a stand. Well, did you see the documentary

about McDonald's and Roy Kroc? You know, I still haven't seen that movie. Not the doc, I haven't seen the movie or the doc. So anyway, I finally get in after an hour. And then I sit in the waiting room and... And keep going like, what what did you call my name? Oh, sorry. Wait, hello? Is it the 4th of July?

And, uh, and then the guy finally comes in. He's got on a mask and then he's got on one of those welders masks, you know, with the plastic that comes out over his face. This is now? Yeah. And then he's got on a lab coat, you know, a doctor's coat that's got fucking coffee stains all over it. And the guy smells like he literally sounds like he smells like he's

exhaling a cigarette as he comes into the room. So right out of the gate, I don't trust a doctor that makes me wait so he can smoke a fucking cigarette. And then he goes in my ear. And he's like, he's like, yeah, there's a lot of wax in there. But it's fine. He goes, I'm going to put you on a heavy duty. And I literally just stopped listening. And I didn't pick up any of the drugs that he ordered. I didn't listen to anything else. He said I just

fucking left. And my ear is still cracking and popping. You gotta just go to an ENT. What's that? Ear, nose, and throat? Ear, nose, throat. Yeah. They go in, they have a little micro vacuum. Oh, really?

Yep, a micro vacuum. Oh. I had it, because I got clogged up, and I think there was ear wax. I used a Q-tip, that's a big no-no. I know. And I think I pushed it. Anyway, whatever. Q-tip. That's a big no-no. I know. And I think I pushed it. Anyway, whatever. Q-tip. The product that ostensibly has one use, which is to jam itself in your ear,

which it tells you on the box not to do. It's like a toothbrush. Do not put near your mouth. You're right. Right. not put near your mouth. You're right. Right. Yeah. So alright, let's thank our logo this week comes from Bob, who is a prolific maker for us. We got P Diddy, we got you as I do. I wonder who they are. It looks like Ben Affleck and no, I don't know. Let me see this thing.

It must be well there was a guy we'll get to this story. It maybe it'll clarify when we get to the minute. Tony Kakachi if I hope I'm saying his name right. He used to write a lot of songs for us. He did this week song. What do you think of Tony? It's great, right? He used to do a lot of him for us. He did this week's song. What'd you think of it? It's great, right? Mm-hmm. He used to do a lot of them for us. He took a little break and now he's back. Welcome back, Tony, and thank you. We got a few corrections. All right. I got about a dozen people wrote in to say that when I made a correction about Joey McIntyre, who's my new friend from New Kids on the Block,

McIntyre, who's my new friend from New Kids on the Block, I corrected that he was not in the Backstreet Boys. He was, and then I said, he's in the Backstreet Boys. And a number of people said, maybe this is why he's not returning your texts. Now he's returning my texts. He just, he was, whatever. I'm gonna invite him out this weekend to come see me do

some stand-up we'll see what happens I'll keep you know I'm like what's up Backstreet Boy oh my god and then we had a guy named Toby say you had said that Paul wrote messages about a new church called the Catholic Church or a new religion Paul didn't write anything about the Catholic Church. Many Bible scholars feel that Paul only wrote six or at most seven of the 13 books in the Bible that bear his name. He never wrote anything regarding a new religion or anything about the Catholic Church. I don't even remember. Did you say that on this podcast? I think so, didn't I? I don't know. Well, I'm the next correction and it's very close topic.

So I guess so. Anyway, he goes on about religion. Who cares? Religion. I mean, are we going to are we going to fucking debate facts about a book that's completely made up? I like Toby's correction because that is right. Toby thinks that the Catholic Church started around 590 and that makes sense because I according to Zealot, the history of Jesus, they didn't start talking about

him till at least 200 years after he was dead. Which means when all of these crazy preachers are telling you that it says in the Bible, and I quote, a man must not lie with, you quote, you literally, this went 590 years of people passing it on orally before somebody sat down and wrote the words. By the way, they were said in ancient, whatever, ancient fucking Hebrew, and then it was written

down in Italian, and then it was translated to English, and now this fucking preacher is gonna tell me what it means word for word. People lived till around 50, so that was a lot of generations. 50s yeah also Shawn Johnson says correction vertigo was most certainly in color not black and white okay I said that at the time I had a feeling we were taking a flyer on that one speaking of flying I will be flying down to Irvine to do the Irvine improv tonight May 25th if you're in the area Tampa side splitters June 5th through the 7th tickets are selling fast it will sell out get your tickets now to Tampa

Sacramento I will be working with Louis CK opening for Louis June 13th and 14th Torrance at the end June 29th. Then I'll be at the Comedy Mothership in July. Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant in August. La Jolla, Vegas, Chicago, New Orleans. Go to FitzDog.com, get some tickets, see some live comedy. Should we get to the front page?

You got anything to crinkle? Oh man, I have the best thing to crinkle. Here it is with a little plastic window. Oh. Oh, it's so good.. Oh that's good. Front page. Alright here's your story tell me about it. A man hunt. That would be the good name of a gay bar. A man hunt for five remaining few. Oh god he's allergic to homophobia. Jesus. Don't mention gay bar again. Maybe you should vacuum that closet once in a while. A manhunt for five remaining fugitives entered its sixth day on Wednesday. All right, today's

Thursday's show comes out on Sunday. So all of this could change by the time you guys hear this. But 10 inmates escaped a New Orleans jail last week. Hundreds of law enforcement officials at the federal, state and local levels are searching for the remaining inmates who are considered to be armed and dangerous. So do not if you see an inmate, they say do not approach them. As opposed to all the other people in New Orleans who were jacked up on fucking rum drinks, and doing anything to see some tits. Meanwhile, an employee with the Orleans Parish Justice Center was arrested on Tuesday and accused of helping

the 10 inmates escape last Friday. Sterling Williams, a maintenance worker at the prison, was arrested. They say he shut down the water to a toilet that was covering a hole in a cell wall in order to aid in the escape of the inmates who squeezed through the gap. I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't think I'd like confinement very much, but if my option between being confined and battered and perhaps molested was to crawl through a prison toilet hole, I think I'd take the ass rape.

They were described as armed and disgusting. Yeah. So I guess this guy is being held on like a million dollars bond and he said that he shut the water off in order to unclog a toilet, not to help the inmates escape. But then I guess- It was clogged with two Mexicans and a white supremacist. That's what it was clogged with.

Yeah, so, FBI believes some members of the public are helping the inmates avoid authorities. They've made it, there's a reward of $10,000 per inmate. 10,000. I've read once it costs like $100,000 a week to house an inmate. I get the feeling maybe they don't want them back.

I mean, if Doge is involved, I think they're going, hey, everybody look away, look away. Yeah, exactly. Well, beads work. Just throw them some beads, they'll come right, they'll take their tops off and they'll come right back. That's the currency in New Orleans. I haven't spent enough time in New Orleans,

I don't think in my life. Well, I have a great hotel. If you and Aaron want to go away, like you should go away for a weekend. You could see some obviously amazing music. It's a foot the food is incredible. And it's yet. It's a really good place. I did it. I went for a weekend over New Year's two years ago. It was great. 60 Minutes did this piece about,

there's a couple towns in Southwest Louisiana where the Cajun tradition is like full on. Like they speak Cajun and they play Zydeco music and they live in the fucking swamps and they make jambalaya. And they have these dance halls where you just go and you dance all night to this cage of music and dude, we need to go there.

Me, you, your fiance and Aaron, maybe another couple, just go, fuck Vegas, fuck whatever. Go to, I mean mean culturally would be so interesting It would be great. There'd be no poor people down there either. So it would be great for you The trial of Shawn hold on if you didn't do that One weekend ago, I guess it's a tradition but Billy Strings plays New Year's Eve in New Orleans every year That's a tradition. But Billy Strings plays New Year's Eve in New Orleans every year. Yeah, good luck.

He's now playing like 20,000 seat arenas. No, that's where we saw him. Oh, you did? Yeah, and he went on like four and a half hours. It was insane. Wow. You know, he's doing a lot of dead covers now. He's starting to develop a deadhead following Pink Floyd covers he's amazing the trial of

Sean Diddy combs I guess is that what we landed on is that what we're calling him for the trial in mate number soon you know yes have that now I guess so the testimony came from a man called Sheree Hayes, a male escort whose nickname is The Punisher. Hayes claimed in court on Tuesday that he was hired to participate in one of Diddy's alleged freak-offs. He said he was hired to create a sexy scene for Diddy and his girlfriend, Cassie Hayes.

He was told to meet Cassie at Trump Tower on Central Park West, thought he was being hired to perform for a group of women. Hayes is the proprietor of an all-male dance review called Get Punished. He testified that Cassie met him at the door and a bathrobe and a wig. She told him that the sexy scene would involve the two of them mutually applying baby oil to one another. She also told him her partner would eventually join them, but at the time Hayes didn't know her or Diddy's identity. I was specifically told not to acknowledge her husband, he claimed, saying he was paid 800 bucks upon arrival. He alleged that a nude man wearing a veil, who Hayes claimed was diddy, then entered

the room and masturbated in the corner while watching. After about half an hour, Cassie and the man left the room. Cassie then came back and asked Hayes whether he wanted to finish and he declined. He was paid an additional $1,200 and then left the hotel. I mean, this goes on and on about 12 more freak offs he went to and he said the freak offs would last multiple days. I hope he got to finish at some point.

And by the way, how tough is it to be friends with Diddy? Like, how do you keep up with this life? You know, hey, what'd you get up to last night? And you're like, oh dude, I watched the Knicks game. Fuck, amazing. Then we watched and played some Grand Theft Auto with the boys, we had a blast. What about you?

Oh, I paid a guy named The Punisher to rub baby oil on my rapper girlfriend. Then I jerked off with a veil on while he fucked her. And then you're like, Nicks went to OT man, it was wild. How about the Punisher talking to his friends? It's like, hey how was your night? Man, I was paid to get down with this chick and then a dude came in wearing a hood, a black hood, sat in the corner masturbated even the friend would be like you didn't finish did you nope who can finish in that atmosphere you'd have to have real concentration yeah man you know it's

just a Tuesday night for him you know know? Okay, drug smuggling cat caught trying to sneak into prison with heroin strapped to its back. Love it. That's all you need in the headline and I'm reading. The black and white cat, I don't know why they needed that detail, was spotted as it attempted to clamor over a barbed wire lined fence in Pocochi, Costa Rica

with a backpack full of packages of cannabis and heroin. Andres Gutierrez, head of the Panama Penitentiary System, said the cat was found with a cloth tied around its neck with packages inserted inside. According to local reports, prisoners are known to use animals to transport drugs by luring them with food into their cells after they've been loaded with packages. So using a pussy smuggling drugs into prison. Is this really news? This seems like the oldest story in the world. That's the joke. You're not going to top that joke. It's perfect. You can now buy catnip at the commissary, by the way.

By the way, cats are hard to wrangle, man. I know. Imagine, they'd be like, pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Like, I mean, so the cats on whatever, just playing around the barbed wire with your heroin rolling, it could tear open the bag. Right. Can you I can you go back, do me a favor? And could you just re reread the guy's name? The head of the Panama Penitentiary System?

Oh, you mean Andres Gutierrez? No, it's Gutierrez. Oh, Gutierrez. Why? No, it's Gutierrez. Oh, Gutierrez. Why? Well, it's one of the most common names, it's Latino names, and you fucking butchered it. Oh, just, I forgot a vowel. All right.

Leave off that E for savings. And we now move from the front page into the ethical, what do we call it, the ethicist section? No, the ethical question? The ethical question. The ethical question. It says it right there. So we take turns thinking of them for each other. Here's one I got for you. I don't think of them. I grab them out of the New York Times.

Whatever. All right. Here's one for you. You had a crush on a girl in high school. Let's call her Jane. You're in your 50s now. She's the same age as you in her 50s. You go to a class reunion. She looks great and you go back home the next day and you pull the yearbook off the shelf and you look Jane's picture up, you pleasure yourself to her picture as you did many, many times in high school. Is that wrong if you factor in

that you are now masturbating to a 16 year old girl? First of all, I don't even know how I'd get the page open that her picture's on if I've done it that much. I would say, no, I know that's weird. No, it's not okay? No, no, no, no, that there's no foul. I mean, I think we, I mean, I don't want any longer,

but I think you have memories and like, well, let's say you were in your twenties. I am sure you would, or thirties even, you would remember hot things that happened in your teens, you know, with, with hooking up, maybe even when it was new. And, right? Right? Don't men maybe pleasure themselves to that? So in that fantasy you're thinking of, underage, if your point is that she's underage, in your fantasy, then you're thinking of an

underage person, right? Well, but are you fantasizing that you are also underage at the time as you pleasure yourself? If I can fantasize, there's no way I'm gonna be my current age. That's not a fantasy, that's a nightmare. Exactly. Are you kidding me? So you're saying basically that you're grandfathered in.

Oh, I'm gonna fantasize. I'm with the girl I knew back when we were both 18 and I'm gonna fantasize I'm with you know the girl I knew back when we were both 18 and I'm like oh my back I got fireworks in my ear I can't hear you. I don't hear so good god damn it. Yeah that's that's not gonna be my fantasy. All right well let's I think that was a very good question. That is an interesting one. Yeah. Let's get to entertainment. Here we go then.

Netflix overhauls its home screen for the first time in 12 years. The implication for the industry could be significant given that most other streaming services have copied Netflix design. The new homepage will have a navigation bar across the top of the, anyway, they have a whole description have a navigation bar across the top. Anyway, they have a whole description here. It sounds exactly the same. It has responsive recommendations

which will serve titles on the homepage based on what the subscriber has been searching for in near real time. That's genius. You realize there are people at Netflix making a half a million dollars a year overseeing nothing but that fucking homepage. And here's what these geniuses came up with. We decided to show people content that matches what they're searching for on the page. Yeah. Looking for horror. Here comes more horror recommendations. This sounds so basic and primitive. Yeah. I mean, listen, I think they already do it,

because this is true, my daughter's page, right? Like icon when we go to the Netflix homepage, when we click on her part of our account, it is just all women being murdered, wall to wall on that homepage. That's all that is. Yeah.

Now it is literally the worst source of getting entertainment. It has column after column, horizontal column after one. First one says critically acclaimed, 12 shows. Next one, things you might like, same 12 shows. Next line, your friends liked, same 12 shows. It's literally, and they're all Netflix produced garbage. Netflix, and I will say this,

knowing that they could potentially buy one of my one hour specials, you have not made, you barely made any funny content. You've made hundreds of comedies. They all suck. Tom Sager has new sketch show, I think is very funny, and I really like tires. Shane McGill has to show tires.

Besides those two, which Netflix probably had no say in anything creatively they've made garbage. So I wonder if other people have had this experience I will go on there for a new thing like let's say it's Shane McGillis's tires it knows I like Shane Gillis it's so obvious I've watched his special more than once like I've like watched with my dog Whatever it is and I watch everyone like him right on the on that thing and I Go on to find tires. It's like it hides it

So I have to see everything else they have yeah Yeah I have to see everything else they have. Yeah, yeah. It's like a lure going through the water and it's just like baiting me forward, forward, forward through all of their stuff. So I think that's where they're really smart actually. Now corporations are, you know, there's always somebody else they're serving. It's never the customer.

It's always pushing their own stuff or maybe they're getting a payoff from HBO to show an old rerun of whatever it is. Like just to go off topic a little bit. Like I went on Yelp the other day to look up car. I wanted to get a hand car wax on my car. So I just look up Yelp review. Car wax Venice Beach. I then got about a dozen direct emails of spam from different car washes in Venice. I didn't ask for that. I never asked fucking Yelp to sell my information

to businesses that I'm searching. And then also those people are obviously in business with Yelp, which means they are skewing how, you know, the votes. And then- Oh no, Yelp, I've heard people scream. A guy started his own coffee thing. He had a stand, and then the stand got like a little window, like a storefront.

He's like, unless you pay them, they can be the biggest bastards. They'll do nothing to remove an insane negative review that a competitor wrote and you could like, you know, like all that stuff. And then I go on Consumer Reports, which I pay an annual fee for, so I can get unbiased reviews of products

and half the things there are like paid sponsor of Consumer Reports. So now what am I supposed to expect that you're giving me fair reviews? What the fuck is Consumer Reports even mean anymore? Anyway. Your poor Mustang. Did it stay dirty? I can't hear you. I have firecrackers in my ear. Let's make America Florida. Here we go. All right, a man fleeing police. Okay, so. Oh wait, hold on one second. I forgot this. In entertainment, I want to mention if you're not watching, because we've asked people what are some series that we're missing. I like drama. I like thrillers. I like good acting,

good writing. There's a show called Hate Love, which is an Irish series. There's about five or six seasons of it. And it's on Amazon Prime. It's set in Dublin. It's about some kind of local mobster guys. It's so fucking good. It's got a couple of Game of Thrones actors in it. And just some just you know, those shows where you go like, where did they find this actor and this actress from they're just like, perfect and unusual. And the writing is great. And first of all, I never get tired of the broke it's like porn for me hearing a good Irish Rogue, I love it All right switching to Florida no brogues in Florida just bros

bros so you send me this story and and Wait, did you edit this a little bit oh I put in two versions oh because I was gonna point out I read one in a newspaper that was a cleaner version all right I don't even know what I just I edit it because it was redundant I thought it was saying the same thing twice no no no it was one was a clean version so I don't know what you left in here. So I'm just gonna read it. Man fleeing

police jumps into water only to get in a fight with an alligator. So in Miami, a Florida man's attempt to evade police took a bizarre and dangerous turn this week when he fled on foot, dove into a body of water and confronted an alligator before being taken into custody. The unidentified suspect reportedly led officers on a chase. So he sees the police, dives in the water, slaps the alligator, and the man can be heard saying, I'm going to beat this N-word alligator's ass.

He then says, you want to see what I did to the last one? I'll beat that N word's ass, hold them upside down and stick my finger in its ass and make them drown. This ain't my first rodeo. Does he think alligators breathe through their assholes? Why would that make them drown? We've made a giant presumption here Does he think alligators breathe through their assholes? Why would that make them drown? We've made a giant presumption here that everyone,

this is a white guy. Yes, and also when he says this ain't my first rodeo, that's a Florida rodeo. That's not bulls, it's alligators. I just wonder, it's so weird that he calls the alligator the n-word like what's the what's the cat maybe because he looks like alligator skin luggage no what no he's just trying to be I think he's trying to be like kind of street in the way yeah like if it was if this is a black guy, it would be really funny.

Right. It's just when you're a Florida man, you just like anything you don't like is just got to be a black guy. That was alligator. That was one of the best jokes I heard. When the big controversy comes up every like, you know, 10 years or five years. But with Huck Finn and the N word, they're like, if Mark Twain were around, the best thing he could do is be like, oh, Huck's black. That would be the best. No more, no more questions. All right, here we go. Let's make America Pennsylvania again. Oh! I love this.

Pennsylvania men lost hundreds of thousands gambling on draft kings and now they're suing. The federal lawsuit claims that instead of trying to help people in the throes of compulsive gambling, draft kings targets and exploits these individuals. I mean, if I'm the judge, I'm like, sorry, was your first part of that thought that you thought DraftKings might help people

in the throes of compulsive gambling? One of the plaintiffs, a Pittsburgh teacher who earns about 50,000 a year borrowed money from his loved ones to keep gambling after he drained his own bank account. In total, he lost $134,000 on DraftKings. That's with take-home pay? I mean, I'm thinking that's five years, maybe four?

Right, four or five years. After recognizing his gambling had become a problem. An Allentown man asked DraftKings to shut down his account permanently. Instead, the man was able to access it again and lost more than $350,000. So the best is how hard he probably tried to get back in and he's blaming DraftKings. Like DraftKings did shut it down, but they somehow like, well, I picked the lock. That's on you.

Yeah, meanwhile, Fandl was like, give us his info. We promised to help him out. It's like, it was, remember leaving Las Vegas. This was like, this was like, Albert Brooks, when he's talking to Gary Marshall, Gary Marshall owns the casino. Yeah, and he's trying to pitch him this, which, to me, this is you in a thumbnail. Is that what you say in a? This is you in a nutshell, this is my gibbous in a nutshell, you would do what Albert Brooks did he sat down, he lost all his money in

Vegas, then he sits down with the casino owner and he goes, Okay, here my pitch. We do this as you give me the money back. And then we tell America in a commercial about how great MGM grand is, and that they took a guy down on his luck and they gave us my and Gary Marshall's like, so you want me to tell about how great MGM Grand is, and that they took a guy down on his luck and they gave him his money. And Gary Marshall's like, so you want me to tell America that we refund losers money?

And he's like, no, no, you're seeing it wrong. You're not seeing it the right way. Yeah. Yeah. I am looking up, of course, Nesteag Vegas. Why am I spacing? It's not leaving Las Vegas, so.

Uh-oh, it was a so. It was Lost in America. Lost in America, don't come at us with the corrections. All right, there you go. It's one of the great scenes. It's a great first half of a movie. Yeah. All right, here we go to sports. You said you had something to tell me.

First of all, I have something to tell you. You missed the game last night. Yes missed the Knicks game because well I watched the first half and then up by 17 then up by 11 with two minutes left or three minutes left seven seven rapid-fire three-pointers in a row by the 76ers this is in regulation and they it was crazy. And I know this just happened in the Celtics and the Knicks were the winners. But the amount the Knicks did not like cave, unlike the Celtics, like this was the Knicks would run up and score, but you couldn't keep up with the threes that were.

And then so then there's it's a two point game with Basically less than a second on the clock when the last shot goes off and he's on the three-point line Shoots it it hits the rim goes straight up in the air Greg I mean this would be you'd if this was a movie you'd be like too much. I'm out Straight up in the air and falls straight through the hoop. This is to go to overtime or this was a movie, you'd be like, too much, I'm out. Straight up in the air and falls straight through the hoop. This is to go to overtime or this was in overtime? Everybody watching thought they won because it was a three-pointer. And this is the 76ers who are down by two.

They would have won by one point. And the guy even made the Reggie Miller choke sign to Madison Square Garden. Another Indiana Pacer doing the choke sign, running all over the place. The footage showed his toe was on the line. So it was two points and it sent it to overtime. Wow. You just have to watch the last three minutes of regulation and then watch overtime. Well, you dodged a bullet because the last show we did, which was two weeks ago, the Knicks were playing the Celtics.

They were up two games to nothing and they were coming back to New York. And so we were talking about how the odds, believe it or not, were in the Celtics' favor to win the series, even though they were down two games to nothing. No, it was like the same bet as betting on the Knicks, yeah. So basically, you were gonna take the bet where you were gonna bet against yourself

and take the Celtics in the next three games for 50 bucks a game, and at the last second, you were like, nah, I didn't want went to do it You would have lost all three games Yep No, it lost the series. Yeah for sure So now to lose that first game in New York in overtime. Oh So anyway, it's a whole different story. You're listening to this on Sunday. We're recording this on Thursday They have a game tomorrow night Friday night yep so here's the other

sports story is the Eagles famous tush push is now being reviewed and you know they they won the Super Bowl with it. They have other teams have tried to replicate it without the same success. I guess the Green Bay Packers tried it and now they're I guess didn't work for them and now they're presenting the case to NFL owners who are gonna vote on it this week. Should it be banned is the question. Well I'll do I'll say I know what Mike is gonna say. He's gonna say, good luck trying to get guys in Philly to not push in the tush.

I mean, you can't outlaw that. That's just called Friday night in South Philly. Listen, I'm not saying they're all gay animals. I'm saying they're all animals. Summer straight. Yeah. Summer in cells. By the way, you would think a team called the Packers would be great at the tush push.

No, they absorb the push. Oh, I see. Yeah, till it's packed. Right. Listen, man, it's a different... I mean, people could really... I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I don't know the limitations on it. It seems like it's a rugby scrum, and it seems like, yeah, when you get on, why wouldn't you, when you get within the 10 yard line, just do four of them in a row? That's what I keep saying about Philly. Why don't they, they get three yards of play every fucking time.

I know. So yeah, I think he changed that. I think it might be too hard on the quarterback because he's got to dive right in the middle of it all. But then a lot of times with Sush Bush, they don't use the quarterback. They'll bring in like a fullback and they'll hand it to him. That's true. Are we ready for this day in history? Well, let's do a little international. This is one story I want to do. Oh. Oh. Oh. Because it's breaking news. Wait, hold on. International. Oh. Okay.

Breaking news. North Korea leader Kim Jong-un's dream of modernizing his country's outdated naval fleet suffered a major setback after a much touted warship crashed into the water after a botched exit from the dock. Kim, who witnessed the mishap unfold at a Wednesday launch, lambasted officials for their quote, absolute carelessness, irresponsibility, and unscientific empiricism in causing a serious accident. The unnamed 5,000 ton destroyer had been docked at a shipyard in Chongjin, a northeast port city. As it was pushed sideways towards the water, the ship didn't move in parallel. Its hull got crushed and its bow got stranded on the shipway. Citing satellite

imagery of the shipyard, South Korea's military said the destroyer lay on its side in the water. So they basically spent a billion dollars on this thing, pushed it in the water and it fucking fell over. Meanwhile, the Japanese tall ship was watching this on their phones as they drove right into the Brooklyn Bridge. Did you see that on fire? Yeah, in flames. Oh my god. Yeah, these Asians they can't it's not just cars they can't drive. Oh boy.

You know, I said, let me take your temperature on this. It's a writer's room. And last week I said this. So apparently there was a very old, no, there was a man. You're talking about a TV show that you're writing on right now. Well, it doesn't matter. But I'm in a writer's room with other writers. And none have this kind of, one does, this kind of experience though, like maybe with Edge Year Fair. So anyway, I wrote it down and then one of them was,

we'd take turns reading it, one of them were reading it and they stopped reading the joke. So the joke was, a man on the Titanic, there was a man on the Titanic who was Japanese and he survived and when he went home to Japan, the question was, when he went home to Japan, and I think that's the thing about the movie is that he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he w and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero

and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and he was a hero and, I go probably a villain because it's very hard for them to pronounce hero

, basically that joke was done in Modern Family on Disney's ABC TV, where they brought Lily home, it's in the pilot. They brought Lily home, they adopted her, and she's a little Asian baby, like what's her name? And they're like, Lily. He goes, won't that be hard for her to say? Which is, it gets exactly to the point. That joke is so funny because it won't be hard for her to say because she has learned English from a young age.

Yeah, it's hilarious. All right, let's go to... do we have time for that? All right, let's go to this day in history. Here we go. Let me find it. Oh, it's chock full, chock full. Let you find it. You haven't even looked at it. Here we go. What date?

All right, we have. Yeah, sure, we'll do the first one. Give or take 300 years on this day, Constantine the Great, who had practiced Christianity since his youth sparked its growth into a world religion. And he was baptized on this day in what year? I would say 1100 Perfect

337 wait, I thought we just established that it wasn't even written down until 600 Yeah, that's interesting. No. No, it was a four. He thought it was 490 or something. Oh, and this was what year? That's closer to me because I said it was 200 years after Jesus's death is when we started writing about him. Wow. Okay. American comedian Johnny Carson made his final appearance as host of The Tonight Show. I remember. Were you with me? I think I was. Yeah, Bette Midler came on. I was on The Vineyard. Which seems early, right? It's May.

But anyway, Johnny Carson's last show, give or take two years. What year was it? Nineteen. years what year was it? 94. Very good 92. So I got it I got it. You got it. All right this one I'm not gonna quiz you on but get this in, it was one of the largest earthquakes on record struck the southern coast of Chile. It killed 5,700 people and created seismic sea waves that caused death and destruction in Japan and Hawaii. Damn. What?

So I'm going to look that up later. How big do we think that was? When's it going to happen here, Mike? I know. All right, hold on now. All right, let's see. What was the next one? I had a lot of World War II stuff.

A lot of World War II stuff. 1945. Did you know Abraham Lincoln had a patent? He's the only president who had a patent for a boat lifting device. No, that's not true. Eisenhower had patent also. Oh Very good. Look how you did that. Thank you. Okay. So here we go Captain kid an English pirate. He was born By the way, he was born in Scotland give or take 75 years, when was Captain Kidd born?

1548. Perfect. 1645. How much time did you give me? I gave you how much time? 75 years. That's what you gave me? And I gave you 100?

All right, close. The horror classic The Shining, based on Stephen King's 1977 novel, was released in theaters in what year, give or take two years? The Shining came out in 1982. You did it again just with the Margin, 1980. Nice. Bonnie and Clyde were killed in a police shootout in Louisiana on this day in what year, give or take 15 years? 1936.

Oh, dude, 1934. Nice. You're two years away from every- Well, I was thinking about the car they were driving. They were like those old Ford Model Ts. Oh, that's good. That's very good. Let me see if we can get one more here.

Oh, Joan of Arc, you already failed on that before. Opening of the Brooklyn Bridge. On this day, in what year, give or take 10 years? Oh that's tight. I've read the book so I should technically know this. I'm gonna say 1912. 1883. Bob Dylan's birthday by the way on the 24th. Let's find one more for you so you can go out on a... I would say his birthday was 1938. No, 41. Let's see here. This is all...

I haven't gone down... Oh no, I can't do that. I think you'll remember... Star Wars was released on this day in what year? Give or take a year. 77. You did it. On the nipple.

Everybody knows that. On the nipple. All right, we're back. Now what? Okay, now let's go down and do an obituary. We don't want to do letters to the editor? Oh yeah, sorry about that letter writers. Jake said hello Mr. Fitzsimmons. I have been a longtime listener of FitzDog Radio and I've not once missed an episode of Sunday Papers. Oh boy. Big fan of you guys.

I hate to hear that people are choosing to stop listening to you because of some of your political beliefs or opinions. I just want to say that I'm one of those listeners who doesn't really agree with a lot of those political and by the way, how often do we talk, Paul? I mean, we talk about politics. It's crazy. It's don't even, don't even, don't even. So rarely do we take a side.

The degree of thin skin is immeasurable. But I will always listen to you both and think you are smart, clever, funny guys, which is why I started listening in the first place. I wear my Sunday Papers t-shirt as much as I can. I've gotten a few intrigued questioners. I'll continue to spread the word and thanks for reading and responding to your emails. Have a wonderful rest of your day. So it is really amazing to me. I would think, I'm curious.

I love to hear what people on the other side are thinking. What do you wanna not hear any other point of view? How do you know your point of view is right if you're only feeding it with like-minded opinions and people that agree with you? Also, yeah, it's not I mean we're pretty fair-minded people generally, you know what I mean? Like and If you think you can't make fun of Trump, I mean that's just the craziest thought ever Yeah, anyway, all right Let's go to obituaries.

OK, OK, let's cheer up. Well, while I was at Boston University through my stepsister Jenny, I got a job as a doorman at the Bull & Finch pub. And so cheers became very close to my heart. And then many, many, many years later, decades later, I'm out here in Hollywood, and I write a script that gets picked up by CBS for a pilot.

And then a guy calls me and he's like, Mike, please. I'm like, this is Mike. And he's like, this is James Burroughs. And I say, get the fuck out of here because I thought it was one of you guys who was calling me and this is one I mean he's the Spielberg of sitcoms and he not only directed Cheers but he was one of the three creators of Cheers well Norm from Cheers has passed away. And by Norm, of course, I mean George went. And-

He sure did this week. In Cheers, I saw an article, because I looked up his obituary. They have a full mug of beer, and his picture at a seat, which has a plaque, a brass plaque that says Norm. And that plaque has always been in there, and chairs empty. And then they have a big poster outside where people can go sign it. This is all outside.

It's not called the Bull and Finch anymore. It's now called Cheers Boston, I think. They struck a deal with NBC. But George Wendt was born in Chicago in 48. He's one of nine children. And then I remember hearing this on a podcast that Sudeikis was on. His sister Catherine is the mother of Jason Sudeikis. No. So Sudeikis would go see improv based like his uncle was kind of the introduction to that for him. So cool. Well, you know, we were friends with a guy named Danny Breen when we

worked on the Ellen DeGeneres show, who was a fantastic fucking guy, so fun, so great writer, and he used to host a show on HBO. And anyway, it's a Danny Breen, and he were best friends. And so he always told us a lot of great George Wentz stories. It sounds like he was just just the greatest guy. Yeah, they're all the all the cast the remaining cast are all giving them props and talking about them. Yeah so anyway. I saw a really cute episode they showed the you know I was watching clips and there's a clip of him walks he was first

it's Frazier is talking to Gwyneth, or what's her name? Lilith? Lilith. And they've got the baby, they've got a baby, and she's going, I don't think this is a good environment for our baby to be in.

He's exposed to all kinds of bad elements, and he goes, I completely disagree. These are good people, and it's a nurturing environment. And then Norm walks in, and the baby goes norm literally like his first words were norm I saw a clip where an old guy walks in a Cheers and and Woody's there and he's like man and it's changed a little bit I mean I was here 30 years ago before I moved to whatever and he keeps talking what he's like yeah he's like what's different he's like well that staircase actually used to come downstairs the other way

this whole floor is different it was green like tile really ugly and he goes and all that paneling was different and the guy goes what paneling is it behind norm like that's the one thing that didn't change oh I get it yeah that took a while so anyway norm which George went talked about he had a he was on another show, he couldn't get to this audition, he's like, his agents, they really want you to do the audition, and he's like, all right, but how am I going to memorize this? It's going to be pretty easy. It's one word.

In fact, it's one syllable. And he's like, what? He goes, they want me to say one syllable? Yeah. His audition was the word beer no shit yep oh that's hilarious yeah all right let's cheer up here we go into the funny i don't know if this is going to cheer you up or not but dilbert creator scott adams announced on monday that he has metastatic prostate cancer and only has

months to live. No, the controversial cartoonist said on a YouTube live stream that former President Joe Biden's recent diagnosis of an aggressive form of prostate cancer that has spread to his bones prompted him to share his own quote, I have the same cancer that Joe Biden has. I also have prostate cancer that has spread to my bones and I've had it longer than he's had it. Well, longer than he's admitted having it, Adam said.

Yeah, what a way to go out. What a way to, that's the energy you wanna go out of this planet on. But boy, he goes, I expect to be checking out from this domain sometime this summer. Just as funny as his cartoons. Yeah. That's too bad though, that's too bad.

Godspeed, Scott Adams. I'm so sorry you got cancer. Yep, very sad. So let's cheer up a little bit. And two weeks ago, we do the comic strip every week. You guys write down the comic caption. You send it into fitzdogradio at gmail.com. We show you one frame of a comic.

You write the joke. We then take the finalists, read them on the air, and at the end end choose a winner who receives a free Sunday Papers Cousy just in time for the summer! Well, the fall. And two weeks ago the caption was, it's a Mr. Potato Head sitting on an exam table. A doctor stands in front of him with a clipboard. He's saying something to Mr. Potato Head who has the hat and the mustache and the big nose. And first one is Lane who says, well Mr. Head how's the no carb diet going? Mary Catherine said your gender reassignment surgery will be a snap. I like that. That's

because you snap the little things that grow? No, you know the ears snap in and the nose snaps in. Oh my god. It's got all the holes in it. Snap everything in. I was thinking of a literal potato. Tim Daniels said nope no hormone therapy involved just earrings a purse and a 20% pay cut okay Maddy O'Halloran said a lot of Irish people this week you were in a terrible car wreck sorry to tell you this but your wife has that was decapitated decapitated decapitated that's doesn't flow off the tongue but I get it mathematically I get it Stevie G says let's get ready for your exam please remove your hat nose eyes arms and legs pretty pretty basic and good maybe one

too many body parts for the flow huh Devin says, so how did you get a giant ear stuck in your ass? I kind of like that one. Tom Yates says, next time, try to keep from dipping your French fry into every sauce at the party. OK, Brian Walker says, well, you spent the last 70 years plugging every orifice you saw.

So, yeah, you've got AIDS. AIDS always makes me laugh Stephen man Graham says I'm prescribing some medicinal cannabis for you you need to be a baked potato all right that's yeah it's like a nice that's a good like nine-year-old but maybe Manny Pereira said I'm afraid to admit doc feelings aren't the only things I've stuffed deep down inside of me. All right. And finally John Tilson said no you cannot try on my glasses. Right. Which if you see it works because the doctor has glasses and Mr. Potato Head does not. All right. Yeah. Although I think it's the doctor talking. Yes. Good point. Yeah. I like AIDS. I always have. You like AIDS? I like Mary Katherine. Your gender reassignment

surgery will be a snap because a number of people wrote in gender reassignment stuff and I felt like that was the tightest even though you didn't get it. I was spacing out yeah but it was the first one I wasn't really ready yet second one. All right well what are we gonna do we're split. You're gonna decide you always have me decide and then I rushed to do the... My only hesitation with giving out the AIDS one is now everybody's gonna write AIDS jokes. Uh hey everybody don't write AIDS jokes. All right Brian Walker you're the winner but everybody don't write AIDS jokes. Okay next week's caption is two dogs. One of them is inside of a dog house you just see his head kind of sitting on his paws he looks a little bit relaxed and the other dog is sitting outside and he's got one of those cones cones on his head to keep them from biting themselves or

ripping at their stitches or whatever and it looks like the dog with the cone on his head is speaking to the dog that's in the dog house run with that people. All right, let's get to the actual funnies. This is Hager the horrible, which as always, just to remind you, Hager is on the funny pages, which is the colorful, animated child attracting section of the newspaper. And yet we've got this Viking who in the first frame there's a woman in a castle who is bound she's not gagged but she's bound she's wrapped up with rope every which way. She's bound to get raped. I mean I think that's what it's trying to say. In the next room you can hear a guy yell Haggar ran off with all our valuable

art and then she says it could have been worse and then we come back and we see him in the second frame he's in his underwear and he's bound and he goes it was we wear the same size clothes and there should be a third frame where she goes no i could have been raped right enough of that's your clothes right an alphabet your clothes yeah there we go up bounced off the algorithm again now we got the lock horns and they're looking at some bills they look sad and she goes the banks do it all the time why don't we just change our names like and then the next one they're on a racquetball court and Leroy is bent over panting and she says to another couple it's called racquetball because of all the grunting and

wheezing noises Leroy makes. You know she's not supportive in public but I bet behind closed doors well we've seen behind closed doors. Yeah, I guess deep in her heart She's supportive. Yes. I think it's a little bit of a shtick the two of them have going with the public All right Yes, now we've got Loretta She's walking out the door putting on her coat She's got a big smile on his face and then Leroy says to his friend Loretta can smell a sale a mall away and then Leroy says to his friend Loretta can smell a sale a mall away. That's a little below the standard that they've have us accustomed to. Yes and no.

I feel like they're not afraid to do a pun and I don't mind a well-executed pun. A mall away is alright. Okay. Okay so I looked up BC the cavemen and I found a top ten list. This is number ten and three frames first frame. I don't know the guy's names, but one of the cavemen, there's two of them goes in the spirit of sharing. I'd like to offer you BC B.C., my limited edition Mark 8 hunting bow. He has a bow in his hand, middle frame. He's handing it over and he's like, enjoy it in good service, my friend.

And then he goes, wow, thanks, Peter. And then you see he's just holding the bow and Peter has bolted. You see the like little cloud dust like zip it says. And then in the frame comes a T-Rex with an arrow in its nose. All right. That's kind of funny. Yeah, nothing wrong with that.

I like it. I mean, look, were there T-Rexes and human beings at the same time? I don't know. Well, you're going to get a correction because the definitive answer is not even close, not even close. But he's screwed on this one. He's really screwed if that's his first time seeing a dinosaur. Yes.

And he's actually got it aimed at the dinosaur, which is a bad, bad optics, they say in the marketing industry. Yeah. So that live, that was nice little ride. Speaking of not believable, uh, blondie is holding the door for Dagwood as he comes in and she says, rough day, honey. And he goes, the worst I can think of, the worst I can think of one thing that would cheer me, the worst, dot, dot, dot. I can't think of one thing that would cheer me up. And I was sitting in the chair, she gives me, by the way, she's wearing a black velvet skirt

and she's got, her bosoms are literally fighting to get out of a tight white sweater. Rassling. She gives him a kiss on the head and she goes, how about two things? One, a Netflix marathon of the night agent. Whoa. And a Yankee pot roast dinner. And then she walks away and she says, I invented pushing Dagwood's butt. I invented pushing Dagwood's buttons. And now he's sitting on the chair smiling watching night action so okay what's the night action I guess it's I guess obviously Netflix has has some kind of a

corporate co co promotion with fucking Dagwood Bumstead this there's some tie in with blondie and Netflix, obviously. Well, it's Night Agent, but I don't know why it says Night Action. Code, please. I don't- But my point is, this channel- Also, what does pushing buttons mean?

Doesn't pushing buttons mean you aggravate someone? The whole strip, look, here's the issue I have. This guy comes home. I'm so confused. He's had a rough day at work, and this woman who has the calves of bowling pins kisses him on the head, and he can't think of anything. His wife knows that the only two things

that are gonna cheer him up is TV and food. Meanwhile, he has access to, I believe, yellow pubic hair. I mean, how often do you see that? Not enough in this strip, I'll tell you that. No. Oh. Ugh, so frustrating. We did it.

We did it, and I to thank you guys for putting up with our week off. We won't do that again for a while. And in the meantime, I want to ask you to come out to the improv and Irvine tonight and Tampa SideSplitters June 5th to the 7th. And also check out Love

Hate. Anything you want to promote Mike? Huh what do I want to you know I started watching someone told me to check it out because Sophie wanted to after seeing the dead know a little bit more about them on Amazon for free if you're a prime member they have long strange trip and it's a documentary. You saw it's four parts. It's very well done. Yeah, it is. It's great.

It's great. So I guess I'll recommend that. Okay, very good. All right. Sure. We'll see you year round. How long in town? I'm in town, man.

I got work and all that. So all good. All right, love it. We'll talk to you soon. Take it ish. Take it ish. All right. All right. It's Sunday papers.

There's nothing greater. Our fave creators. Master debaters. hot takes like taters They've got the flavors, so tell your neighbors, here's Sunday papers Mike sits alone by himself in the closet, although they've had this show for years And you won't ever hear an ad on this podcast If you buy koozies for your beers Suck the haters

It's Sunday papers There's nothing greater Our fave creators, master debaters Hot takes like taters, they've got the flavors So tell your neighbors, here's Sunday papers So, take it easy