Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 27 9/6/20

Episode Date: September 6, 2020

Greg and Mike manage to deliver a tiger-focused story more outrageous than the latest Carole Baskin news. Mike shows continued support for the south, and we find out Greg's not so great with fax numbers. 

Too lazy to read the Sunday papers. You can listen to the Sunday papers. Greg and Mike are on the Sunday papers. Every week they host the Sunday papers. If you want the news but don't know who to believe in, you have to laugh, otherwise you might scream. You can listen to the Sunday papers. Sunday papers. Otherwise, you might scream. You can listen to the Sunday Papers. Read all about it.

Sunday Papers. Help me out. I'm a young kid. My dad's an alcoholic. My mom's a hooker. It's 1930. I need you to read the news, motherfucker. I wish I joined right now.

Now, here I am. Hey, Greg. Mike Gibbons. How are you? How's your little foot? So I started to tell you as we were pressing record. So this fucking piece of shit leg I have, wow, a lot of cursing out of the gate. I had the bump on my leg, which is just going away on its own. They were right. Then I got stung by a stingray on the bottom of my right foot. And you know me, like I'm never ever sick. And of course cut to next week. But then yesterday walking on the beach, I felt like I stepped on a piece of glass, like a wide one. Cause it like grabbed all my toes. I'm like, Oh man. And it was really painful. And it was hitting all the toes. And then I'm like, I looked down. I'm like, no, I think it's a burr. So it was a bee. I stepped on a bee on the beach and it stung

me right between like my second and third toes. So that was really hurting. Then it didn't hurt all night, whatever. And now it's swelling up. I don't know if any doctors are listening. Didn't hurt all night, whatever. And now it's swelling up. I don't know if any doctors are listening. Should I be concerned my foot is getting fat now 12 hours later? No, it's probably just catching up to the rest of your body right now. Wait a minute.

Is this the same leg that you popped the ACL in? No, that was years ago. That was my left ACL. Oh, okay. That was easily explainable. I was playing basketball and I was over 40. That was my left ACL. Oh, okay. That was easily explainable. I was playing basketball, and I was over 40. That's what does it. Well, this is the news, people. This is what you tune in for, the top stories, Mike's fucking toes.

That's what you want to know about. We're going to get into a story later. You found one about a leg. Oh, right. I'm wondering if all of my trauma is within a 15-inch radius, around 15 inches of each other. The bump on my leg and then the goddamn foot. I should just cut it off below the knee.

Yep. Fun stuff. Fun stuff. I hope people enjoyed the Catalina episode last week. We got a lot of good feedback. People were really happy that the woman brought us coffee, last week. We got a lot of good feedback. People were really happy that the woman brought us coffee. And I think it's because we're such loud talkers that they heard us complaining that there was no coffee. I wonder if that's what happened. Now I'm lowering my voice as I'm 27 miles from Catalina.

Now you're in the closet. Are the girls in the apartment? There's people around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So people around. No, it's like, I don't know what to do. By the way, it was very, did you see the people when we were with each other? We would really have to develop a system. I don't know how we'd record it. How do people, I don't really watch podcasts. I don't think they should be watched. Do they record the profile of the two people talking? Uh, some do that. And some have a two shot where you have somebody who's just, uh, you know, editing it on the fly. They just switch. They do the camera switching as they go.

So, uh, we were sitting, uh, at a table. I was here facing you who's here. And so what happened was we were both, when it was on Zoom, looking to our left, both looking this way. Yeah. Which was. No, but that's, I see that in a lot of podcasts. A lot of them do it like that. Oh, really? Yeah. I've seen Bobby Lee and.

Cheeto? Cheeto. Who does Bobby Lee do his podcast with Santino? Yeah. And there's like that. That's a good podcast, by the way, if people want to check out podcasts, by the way, I love both of those people. I've never even met Santino. I mean, I, maybe I've met him, but he blew me away in Dave. Uh, I thought he was great in that. Oh, yeah, he's a good actor. He was in I'm Dying Up Here. He's been in a bunch of stuff.

I just did his podcast recently. Yeah, and he's a great stand-up. I've known that. I'm not taking anything away from that. I really kind of got to appreciate him most in Dave. Speaking of shout-outs, great song from kojak he was uh he did kind of a rap a rap feel it was i like the lyrics and then the logo this week very funny from james wardak wardarsk uh i would change that

what are you waiting for me to try it Yeah give it a shot Where is it I have to look it up I'm not reading I don't read this is all off the top of my head man Where are we Rortishackle Could be a V

A V sound Oh okay I'm going to take an honest Voidek Oh yeah that's good I'm going to say James Voidek also we've put it out to you people we're looking for ads and we're getting them they're fucking rolling it and and people are very happy with the ad reads they're getting results this week the first one we want to talk about is my bookie uh winning season returns it means doubling your first deposit winning season means

survivor super contests and squares at my bookie it's time to celebrate the nfl season baby it's here i can't believe it's this week i know this is so great i mean of all the sports that build up i just feel like you know there was no i don't think there's any preseason. I think they're just going to go right into it. But this year, put some extra cash in your pocket. Sign up now and get your first deposit matched dollar for dollar all the way up to

$1,000. That's insane. While you're at it, grab yourself an entry into the famed MyBookie Super Contest. What is the Super Contest and how do you play? It's simple. All you have to do is pick five NFL games against the spread each week

to have a chance at $100,000 guaranteed in cash prizes. Best part, MyBookie has thousands of bets to choose from over the full NFL slate, NBA playoffs, from live betting to championship futures. Every play you want to make is waiting at my bookie. Make your picks, win big, collect your cash. Use promo code PAPERS and double your first deposit now. It's a no-brainer.

Your winning season begins today. Only at my bookie. Go to use PAPERS. Go to mybookie.com. in papers in the promo code support the show make some money enjoy football what a good read that was it was a good read here's you know what i don't hear enough of these uh gambling sites saying or even just gambling in general, anyone who's playing scratch off or a lotto, just stop that. Yeah.

If you really, if it's about winning money, if you just want to pay more taxes, uh, fine. Buy the lottery tickets, keep doing that. But this, you actually have a, I mean, a way, way, way, way, infinitely better chance of winning. Well, how about, how about a $3,000? That's pretty sweet. Yeah. Other quick ad we got.

I want to talk about the Historical Journal and Press, one of the oldest newspapers in America. Everybody gets their paper online, but you know what they say? You miss, you miss stuff. The stuff I love, the puzzles, the comics, syndicated columns, the kind of stuff we talk about here on the podcast does not work well on an iPad or a phone. You get this paper twice a month, mailed to your home for only $36 a year, 25% off the cover price with our promo code.

Does it have family surrogates? I'm out if it does, just so you know, even though I like this advertiser because they're advertising. Well, they've been around since 1842, so they probably have family circus because I think it started in 43. Oh, and none of the jokes are after that.

So, yeah, probably. There's a lot of good you know, Civil War. Family circus during the Civil War. Remember they were hiding a slave? But the dark part was it was their slave and it was after the war ended.

It was right through the 50s. 1950s. Anyway, just go to journalandpress.com slash Sunday Papers. There's a simple payment link right there. Why not help a small historic paper?

All right. Uh, that was my joke. That was a dumb little joke I had for a while about Hamilton. Like when Hamilton, you know, came out and then everyone's like, Oh my God,

look how accomplished this guy is. Like it was crazy amount of stuff, you know, the, the papers and all that. And then he also founded the New York Post. So I was like, so listen, not everything he did was great. Right.

He started the New York Post? Yeah. Well, I'm sure the Post wasn't, you know, what it was. It's the same thing with back then. People want to say like, well, you know, Lincoln was a Republican. Yeah, but the Republican Party literally stood for freeing slaves that was why it existed i don't know i don't know i think even back then it was like uh page six like check out martha washington's skirt she was out on the town this week she was down at the tavern right right it was frederick d Douglass seen about with a white woman. She actually was.

Well, that's the thing, as Hamilton points out, like whatever, you know, of course, I'm so illiterate. But the sisters in it, you know, who like would go out on the town in New York looking for the eligible bachelors. And like, of course, it was very similar in a way, in its own way to what goes on now. And like, of course it was very similar in a way, in its own way to what goes on now. Um, check out our friend, Alex Edelman put out a new standup album called till now. He's very funny. Absolutely. He was a very young, uh, still is very young, but a few years ago when I had my sitcom, uh, his packet came across my desk and, uh, he was the writer. He put his package on your desk? Huh uh he was a writer on your desk huh he put his package on your desk packet oh packet his balls are small it's more of a packet uh-huh and so uh yeah you

know that's how hiring works out here and uh he became then a staff writer on the great indoors which is my show yeah and he was great and especially invaluable being a millennial himself, but he's very, he had a show in Edinburgh, I believe. I think it's called Edinburgh. Edinburgh. I just want to give them more corrections. Edinburgh, sorry. Called Millennial. I think it was just called Millennial. Yeah. And it was a very funny show at the time. So check it out. It's called Until Now. Purchase stream link. Go to twitter.com Alex Edelman.

Corrections. You guys love to correct us, as Mike just said. Edinburgh. Edinburgh. Send it in for next week. We will read it. Matthew Troncholetti said, Gibbons adds the letter N to the word restaurateur.

He did it twice. There is no N in restaurateur. Listen, Tronatelli. I'm going to just fucking make his C silent. Tronchotelli, yeah. Nope, Tronatelli. You happen to be right, you bastard. But that's one of those words like, really?

So what I didn't realize was you are dropping a French word when you say restaurateur. Yeah. I think I might have put the N in there again. And I didn't realize that. I didn't realize I was being that pretentious. I would just say restaurant owner from now on. And that's what I'm going to do. There's no N in that word. I think everyone's surprised.

I think we're all just trying to get rid of all N words at this point. Oh. Did you read, oh my God, my wife read me this this morning. There's a guy who's a, I can't remember what college it is, but there's a guy who's a professor who teaches Chinese and he was doing a Zoom class basically, but it was for MBA students. These are MBA candidates. And one of the Chinese words sounds exactly like the N word. one of the Chinese words sounds exactly like the N word. So a group of black students wrote a letter that they were emotionally hurt by what he said. Guy lost his job. Huh? Yeah. You don't want to touch that. I can see the look on your face.

No, I'm also, I'm also looking something else up. So wait a minute. Is it worth repeating? Did I miss something? I said, Jesus Christ, Mike. I said there was a guy teaching Chinese online, and some black students heard him say a word in Chinese that's the N-word. It sounds exactly like the N-word.

And they wrote a letter, and the guy lost his job. That's the N word. It sounds exactly like the N word. And they wrote a letter and the guy lost his job. That's ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah. But like, on what basis? He has the best lawsuit ever. This is crazy.

Yeah, I know. I'm sure he's going to apologize. And these are MBA students. These are not... Oh, they're MBA students. Yeah. Got it. Yeah, so that hit hard. The other correction also from Matthew Troncholiti.

Troncholiti? Tron-a-lite-y. Grapefruit, you say Julia Louise Dreyffus it's not louise it's pronounced louis julia louis dreyfus what do you say i say louis just because i've heard it so much yeah okay rob aldris but hold on this is interesting thing on this pronunciation, like restaurant tour, restaurateur, whatever the fuck. Um, some of them it's like more noticeable if you say it wrong, like pronounce it correctly. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I think there are some words like that. Yeah. Like, you know,

if you're going to say bruschetta for bruschetta, yeah, you're right. Yeah. But don't do that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Or prosciutto. And then, and then there's ones here. You want to know one that would be incredibly obnoxious? Every time someone said, uh, Hey, you read green eggs and ham from Dr. Seuss. You'd be like, you mean Zoys? Dr. Zoys? Because that's how he pronounced his name. Is that right? That's a fact. Wow.

Well. Yeah. Yeah. Why not say aluminium? I mean, we're speaking, apparently we're speaking the king's English, according to math. A fucking Italian guy, by the way. Dr. Zoys. Dr. Zoys.

And then another one is. Nobody pronounces more words wrong than Italians. Dr. Joyce. And then another one is, um, nobody pronounces more words wrong than Italians. There's the Fajool. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. There it's the whole New Jersey. When new, when Italians hear how they pursuit, like when the Italians hear how New Jersey pronounces even foods, like they lose their minds. Yeah. So anyway, uh, another one though is saying sometimes sayings like, um, chomping at the bit.

It's actually champing at the bit. Yep. That came up on the TV show billions. Huh? I mean, um, yeah, billion billions on that TV show.

There was a whole scene about that. Oh, did they? Yeah. So like, but if you're that guy pointing those things out, it's kind of like that. Oh, did they? Yeah. So like, but if you're that guy pointing those things out, it's kind of like, just let it go. It's kind of like, this is the last thing I'll bring up, but you know, possession like Gibbons, everyone's like, Oh, Mike Gibbons phone put the apostrophe after the S technically it's singular possessive. I had

to learn this because my last name ended in an S so So it's S apostrophe S. And that's the correct way of doing it. After being corrected thousands of times by people saying I'm doing it wrong, including almost all of my teachers, you just have to cave in and be like, fine, do you want to see the apostrophe after the S in my name, which is wrong? Fitzsimmons, you should know this. which is wrong. Yeah. Fitzsimmons, you should know this. Fitzsimmons is, yeah.

The other thing is- If it's plural, like the Fitzsimmons' house, it's after your last S. Yeah. If it's singular, Greg Fitzsimmons' mispronunciation of whatever word, it's S apostrophe S. And I think the apostrophe coming after the S is when the object is also plural, correct? I don't believe it has any difference.

It makes no difference. Well, I'm sure we'll hear about it next week. Because of the widely spread misuse, by the way, just put the apostrophe wherever you want. Rob Aldrich, love the podcast, been listening from the beginning, can't get enough. One correction needs to be made about Love on the Spectrum. Greg said Thursday that the show is a British show.

However, the show is Australian. You were close. Yeah, I was close. It was a British penal colony. It was where the British sent all their filthy criminals to destroy the local indigenous people. Great country. There's an amazing book about that called Something Shores. Maybe the guy's name is Hughes, but I did read it. Oh, I read that also. Yeah. That's where I learned that first trick where they would put out the lighthouse. They'd put out the lighthouse light,

and then they would take a lantern down the jetty a little bit of the way and light it so the ships would come in and wreck, and then they would loot all the wrecked ships. No shit. Yes. Yeah, they also talked about a lot. It was a lot of Irish people. They took Irish prisoners, and they sent them them over there and they used to escape.

They literally fucking, they walked around with guns guarding the island so people couldn't leave. Huh. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. This one comes from Brendan Doherty, who's Irish. Nice transition. Criminals are definitely not required to move back to where they committed

the crime, but that was hilarious and would make a great sketch. That's what I meant. I meant it as like a pitch for a sketch. I didn't really mean it when I said it. You, I mean, I remember I called it out immediately. Your idea was the pedophile in 3A, apartment 3A. We should not be laughing as we say this. Violates the young child in 3B. Right. Appropriately is sent away. The justice system works. It works well.

Thank God this animal is away. When he is eventually released, the justice system sort of drops the ball and forces him back into 3A. Yeah, but the kid in 3B is an adult now. They sent him away for 15 years. No, he's not interested in this kid anymore. That's exactly what that healthily adjusted adult in 3B would like.

Please bring him back. I want to share a wall with him. So does my father, who tried to physically kill him the first time around. Yeah, you're right. Well, now this guy can kill him himself. I think if I was molested by somebody, I really would want the opportunity to beat them with an inch of their life. Don't you think with that, wouldn't that be healing for you? I don't know about the inch part. Oh, you would say go all the way.

Well, wouldn't you want to hold their dead body like in your hand and just know that that was extinguished? I know that he's not going to do that to anybody else. If you were, if you were going to kill somebody, how would you do it? Because that's how, when you say that, I picture choking somebody. No, no, no, no. And I feel like that's the way to go. I would choke somebody to death so I could look in their eyes and watch the life leave them.

What do you think I'm a, no, it would be with kindness. What do you think I'm a monster? It's 101. You kill people with kindness. Right. You just keep bringing in gift baskets. It might take it's one-on-one. You kill people with kindness. Keep bringing in gift baskets. It might take longer than strangulation. I don't know about strangling. It probably would be because even like I'm a fisherman, right? It still is tough for me to cut the head off a fish or to like sever the spinal cord to take it out of its misery. There's something, you know, very, it's tough for me to cut the head off a fish or to like sever the spinal cord to take it out of its misery. There's something, you know,

very, it's graphics, not the right word, but there's something very, very physical about it. So like bashing a guy's head with a tire iron really causes me problems. Does that make sense? Why?

Because he might not immediately die. Well, no, but it's also really visceral form. Like it's, it's very, I mean, in a rage, I wouldn't think twice about it. Don't get me wrong.

But, like, smashing a guy's head, I'd have to be in a real rage. Yeah. Where I don't know anything about this martial arts stuff and all that. But, you know, there's the choke out hold, and all you have to do is hold it a little longer, and they don't come back. You know what I mean? Yeah.

That's like, this person's going to sleep. Yeah. Also, there's something honest about killing him that way, because you have to look him in the eye, and you have to really exert yourself. I think it's cheating to use an object. This is pure human-to-human extinguishing a life. This is going to haunt me someday when I'm accused of murder. Your Honor.

You're also assuming you can take this guy. By the way, you know, this is our six-month anniversary of the podcast. Also, I wasn't thinking guy. I was only thinking women. Is that weird? Yeah, it's going to haunt you, too. That one's going to haunt you.

Alright, let's get to it. Front page. Extra! Extra! We all have bought it. Extra! Extra! We all about it! Extra! Stop it. The front page? Oh, boy. I mean, I'm a newspaper.

Jesus Christ. 25 minutes in. We're finally getting to the fucking news. Let's do it. Let's blow through this. A diver who takes nearly daily plunges into California's American River said he encountered an unusual item underwater, a prosthetic leg,

and was able to return it to his owner. Carl Bly, who runs the American River and lost and found Facebook, said he regularly finds phones and other devices at the bottom of the water, but the prosthetic leg was a first. Once I got past the foot that was on it, the human-looking foot, I saw the mechanics of it

and I realized it was a prosthetic leg. I knew somebody needed it back. He posted a photo of the leg on Facebook and got a message from the owner, a guy named Scott. He came down right away to pick it up. It took him a while, but he came down in his version of right away. As his circles got wider and wider, and eventually he got there. He'd be very, very thankful. He went on and on about how he needed it to get back to work, where he is a caddy. Is that true?

I don't know what he does, no. Oh, my God. I was going to say. He said it would have cost $15,000 to replace it. He needed to get back to work where he's the field goal kicker for the New York Jets. That's going to be you pretty soon. You're going to have the prosthetic leg. You shouldn't joke about it.

I want to cut this off. I'm going to go swimming in rivers to find one. I didn't know he found them through Facebook. I thought he went to the shore. He's pretty good at tracking. There's one set of footprint. I'm going to track that in the mud. I see what's going on here.

Or he just came out of the river and looked on the shore. The guy's sitting there. Where's he going to go? Yeah, what's the backstory? How, how quickly do you give up the search when you're swimming and your fucking leg comes off? Maybe it was a rope swing and it was two splashes. How did it come off? I mean, talk about going in circles. Imagine him trying to swim out of the water. All right, let's really think about how it happened. Did they mention it?

No. He didn't swim with his prosthetic leg on. There's no way. It was in a boat. It seems to me the guy is just not responsible about having a leg. That's twice. Twice he's lost a leg. You're right.

That does make it twice. That's very funny. My bet is one of two things. He was in a boat that capsized, and that's how the leg got away from him into the river. I don't think you go swimming with a prosthetic leg. Or the other one, he was just skipping his leg on the river to see how many skips he could get. That's the only other one I have. Um, all I know is I'm going to fuck with this guy. Now I'm going to go, I'm going to get mannequin parts and start throwing them into that

river and just see how excited he gets all his posts. Every day. What is it with this part of the river? Oh, my God. It's like the island of misfit toys. Yeah. Each week, that guy, it should be like, found an artificial arm. That's mine. Like, what job do you have? You have no original parts.

You have no original parts. We also have a story about a George Washington University professor who revealed that she's been lying about being black for years. The university officials say that Jessica Krug, she's fired. She was a professor of African and Latin American studies. So the sister-in-law has said that she has been estranged from her for 20 years, but she said she is white as snow white. There's no way she's black. I can tell you that there's no member of the family that is black. So I guess she's Jewish and she grew up in Kansas. So are we learning one can identify?

It's interesting, right? What do you mean? Can it's, you know, with, with gender identity, it's, uh, I'm going to get in a lot of trouble, but I'm not trying to get in trouble. I'm just, I'm just thinking out loud. Like, will there be a day where we'd have to respect her identifying as an African-American? Interesting point. Interesting point. In other words, like, I mean, like, cause Eminem got a lot of shit because he would talk like he was black, but he said, that's where I grew up.

And so culture, like, you know, some people grew up on the upper west side of Manhattan and they feel very Jewish. They ate Jewish food. Their friends invited them to their bar mitzvahs and maybe they converted. Um, yeah, it's an interesting question. Well, right. But anyone can identify as Jewish. That can be arranged. Like, that's not even a joke. Religion you can choose. Yeah, because it's not ethnic. Right. Well, I don't know.

I think the tip off on this should have been that she's white. Like, how did she get away with it? It's one thing at a party full of drunk people in a dark room to claim something like that. But when you're teaching classes on Zoom, I don't know. I think as a student, I might have some questions. Also, the woman is Jewish. They're right, her husband. Yeah.

And Krug are both Jewish and grew up in Kansas. Yeah. And Krug are both Jewish and grew up in Kansas. Yeah. Should have been a clue when she did identify as black every time she came home and her nana grabbed her purse and stayed away from her. That's convincing. She must have felt very black then to an easily threatened old Jewish woman. That's the joke.

There you go. This is a story about a new trend. A lot of young adults are now living with their parents. It's at an all-time high. A new report by the Pew Research Center. They should change the name of that research center. I mean, do you ever read it and not go like giggle just a little bit? No, every time I'm like, a a pew study is it about farts um they said that 20 52 percent of young adults are living with their parents as of july

and uh that's up it was at 2.6 million million in February. And in July, it was 26 million. So this is the highest it's been measured since the 1940 census at the end of the Great Depression. Phew. And you know what's adding to that now, which is now a story, is college students. Obviously, it's the all-time high probably right now of college students living at home because of the virus. Right. But we're hearing more and more stories. So my niece was in off-campus housing at the University of Southern California. She had to come home this week, which is actually against Fauci's thoughts,

Fauci's advice, official advice, which is, okay, so then you and I both know someone that went to SUNY Oneonta in New York. 400 students got the virus there. All parents went and picked up those students and took them home. Fauci's thing, I haven't read much about it. I did read one line, but from what I understood, Fauci was like, that's the exact wrong move. They should stay. Don't bring them home to where by definition, there are older people and maybe significantly older people in the family.

people and maybe significantly older people in the family. Yeah. Um, so, but this is, I think next week it will be a long, long list of colleges that tried and failed to, um, you know, have students on campus. Well, some of them had like, you know, I hate to point the finger at the South, but like Georgia, North Carolina, all these schools, they had like a thousand cases in the first week because they they're defying it. They're literally just fucking giving the finger to masks. And it's like, look, you may not die, but like you said, you're going to give whatever. I don't want to get on this fucking road. The South does kind of fine with it, aren't they? I mean, I'm not die, but like you said, you're going to give it, whatever. I don't want to get on this fucking road. Did you? The South is kind of fine with it, aren't they? I mean, I'm not even joking.

They're like, that's part of the plan. How are we going to get to herd mentality? By the way, I'm not making fun of them. I think they're like, that's going to happen. These are the eggs that have to be broken in order to, you know. The eggs being old people dying, you mean? Well, I was referring to a pandemic omelet. And to make one that's truly disease-ridden,

you got to break a few eggs. I can't be objective. I'm sorry. But anyway, the South's great, man. They're doing great. Yeah, they're doing good. They're on top of it. Did you ever live at home with your parents after college?

With either of your parents? I did in a very, you know how small that New York City apartment was? Yeah. And then I- With your dad. Had to find a lumber yard in Manhattan, and I built a loft and lived in the closet. I didn't even realize what I was just saying. Honestly, I swear to my, my better. Look how far you've come in 30 years. I built a loft as if I was living on a ship. Like I had

the hooks. I built hanging shelves. I built the, the desk was part. Cause I was at NYU graduate school. The desk was part of underneath it. Like it was a crazy, it was well-built. I have to say. How long did you live like that? 17 years. No, it was probably less than, I think less than a year. Maybe it was like a school, a school year. Yeah. I remember when I, uh, I was going to acting school, I took a summer program at the Neighborhood Playhouse while I was living in Boston. And I had just started doing stand-up.

I was right out of college. And one summer I said, I'll stay with my dad because he lived in the city not far from the acting school. And he had a big apartment. And it turned into me I don't know why but he would not give me keys to the apartment and so I used to have to

go down to Runyon's which was this really famous sports bar where like a lot of the Mets used to hang out there Rusty Staub and Legendary they actually used to do, what's his name? Used to do a live feed from there.

Who's the really famous, the most famous sports broadcaster today? That's a good question. It wasn't Costas. He was in St. Louis. It was Bob Costas. All right. And Costas was there, and he used to do a live show. Anyway, my dad would be there every night.

I would have to go there, wait until fucking two in the morning and then practically carry him home fucking drunk so that I could go. And then I used to have to be at acting school at like eight o'clock in the morning. And I did that for about six days. And then I started sleeping at just different friends' places. And your I started sleeping at just different friends places. And your dad was like mission accomplished. Now I can start going home at 10 o'clock again. Bob Costas is going young Fitzsimmons hanging in there till 2 AM again. Looking sharp.

Have you ever worked with him? No. I did stuff on, you know, you know, late night shows with him where he was in bits and stuff. Just one of those, such an impressive guy. Yeah. I mean, the encyclopedic knowledge. And also, his talk show was very good. That was great.

Yeah. Didn't he have the famous multi-part series with Mel Brooks? Mel Brooks. Yeah. That was kind of like, like, whoa, they were supposed to do, I think, one episode and it just got so good. They kept taping. Well, no, they were on, they were at Universal on a soundstage and people started hearing that Bob Costas was interviewing Mel Brooks.

So more people showed up in the first hour. By the second hour, you couldn't get near the soundstage. And then they did a third hour. They just kept fucking going. Wow. Yeah. I'd love to see that. But he like also is like, has a good sense of humor. Absolutely makes fun of himself. Yeah. Uh, is unbelievable. Like, especially, you know, growing up, I imagine, in radio, I imagine he did. Like, just an incredible read. Like, you give him something that he's never seen, and in a comedy bit, which is not going to be his cadence, just nails it.

Yeah, right. Yeah. International news. Okay. You want to read this first one, Mike? Finally, you're going to read a fucking story an hour into the podcast? Well, I did find this story. You found these other ones. Yeah.

So there's an image that went around this week of a woman holding a drug tiger's testicles at the Thai zoo and there's been backlash so that the, the pictures of her fondling, she grabs a handful of tiger testicles at the zoo in Chiang Mai. And maybe we'll put up the photo. Uh, that's what we should do. I didn't think about that. Anyway. And it's sparked a social media backlash and it's reaffirmed concerns among animal welfare groups about the mistreatment of big cats in captivity. Mistreatment. We have to remember animals love sex. I don't know how many times we have to remember animals love sex.

I don't know how many times we have to repeat this. So the image was posted in an animal lovers, Facebook group, according to the Bangkok Herald, prompting a fierce backlash from locals who accused the woman of quote, humiliating the tiger and the zoo of animal abuse. So, and then this is a quote from the story. The tiger, for his part, appears completely unfazed in the images.

I think his eyes glazed over a little. Yeah. I think when he was rolling over on his back and pulling his front paws up, that might have been an indication of where he was at emotionally. While unfazed, he did mount her face. Well, you know, this is how you get tiger balm. Nobody knows that. When you think about that, when you're putting it on your lips. She was harvesting.

Yeah, this is, by the way, this is the new Netflix series, Tiger Queen. I can't wait. I'm watching every episode. Yeah. More and more tigers are going to keep showing up. So I love that this was put up by an animal lovers, Facebook group, because at the same time, the tiger has a Facebook page, grab it, bragging about getting his balls cradled by a hot Thai woman. Also, I think it's one of those convenient, this isn't even a joke. It's one of those convenient things.

Like she crept into the small cage with this wild cat and grabbed his balls. Okay, fine. But like, how about the tiny cage for the tiger? Like I think the zoo, like, you know, cause the zoo jumped on board. Like, you know, they obviously got in a little trouble, but they're like, yes, this is wrong. This is like, this is so wrong. Like when, when that wild majestic animal is in a six by four cage, you shouldn't grab its balls. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Right. And also, I did think about this animal lovers Facebook group because this story reminds me of Don't Fuck With Cats. Now, did you see that documentary? I think I did. Hold on.

see that documentary? I think I did. Hold on. A guy online puts, this is graphic description. He kills a cat. You kind of don't see it. I did see it. Yeah. In a plastic bag. Right. It's an amazing documentary. It's a great documentary. But what I will say is is these groups it would be like they're interviewing them and they're like and then it was 3 30 in the morning my phone rings it won't stop ringing I get in like and they're like oh my god the crazy the worst image ever the most disturbing image ever of a cat being abused just went online you have to run to it right now and see it right right right you have to run to it right now and see it. Right, right, right.

Dude, that documentary, it followed this dude from country to country through the internet. It was so disturbing. It was literally like a script of a horror movie. Don't Fuck With Cats is the perfect title. Not only is it a great title for if you know nothing about it, but the point is everything that you just described happened because these cat lovers were so tenacious. While you can elude the police in multiple countries,

you couldn't elude these cat fanatics. No, it helps that they're all agoraphobes with a lot of time on their hands. Oh, they would cross-reference Google images of the type of red light traffic lights. They identified that that was Montreal. Like in terms of they knew, they had narrowed it down to Canada. Then they narrowed it down.

Then they identified a rock wall outside of the university there. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's incredible. It's incredible. So anyway, this poor cat, this poor tiger. I think it's fine. Also the tiger's drug. 16 year old. No. Yeah. How great is that? He gets fucking,

they get them high and then cradle his balls. What better day is that? Is that what Thai massage is? I heard there was more stretching involved, but all right. Man, I'm pretty fucked up because I'm imagining a Thai woman is cradling my balls right now. I got to, whatever they're giving me, I need more of it. Just close your cage door and please keep your balls to yourself. 16-year-old New Hampshire girl swam across the English Channel.

It was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. That would be a fulfillment of my lifelong nightmare. By the way, it's a fulfilled lifelong dream of like tons of people. But I guess she's the youngest girl? I don't know. It doesn't say whether she's the youngest, but she, it's part of a triple crown where, uh, the other two parts of the triple crown of long distance swimming is, uh, the 20 bridges of Manhattan

Island, which involves a 28 mile circumnavigation of New York City Island, and then a 20 mile distance from the mainland of California to Catalina Island, where we were last weekend. Which by the way, I could barely handle the 20 mile ferry ride. My son and wife both threw up on that ride. Yeah. Into his mask. My son threw up in his mask. Perfect. Um, but, uh, I imagine doing the New York city one. I mean, you did it on foot. You, you ran the New York city marathon, which is, sounds like about the same distance, but it's on foot. 26.2. And you do, you hit every, but it's kind of similar. You do begin on the Verrazano Bridge. Right. You begin in Staten Island. So, yeah, it's unnatural.

But swimming it, I mean, to me, that's the hardest leg of the three. Because usually, like with the English Channel, I know you rub Vaseline on yourself to keep the jellyfish from stinging you. In New York- Is that why you do it? Yeah. I thought it was to keep the pollution. Well, in New York, I think it slows, once you're completely covered in shit by the Bronx, I think it really slows you down. By the way, she's swimming past Rikers Island. Really slows you down.

By the way, she's swimming past Rikers Island. Right. It's a whole sea of faces all jerking off to this girl in a bathing suit swimming by. And the warden is like, she's 16. Guys. Makes sense for three quarters of them. That's right. Luckily, they're all moving home to the exact apartment it happened in you know what's funny is uh where i was born in the bronx we lived on a beach and uh they're they're called country clubs in throg's neck there's a bunch of country

clubs and people go to the fucking beach in the Bronx in the summer and they swim in the water. Oh no, there's a lot of swimming. And now the, you know, the water systems are cleaner. Yeah. And, uh, because of regulation and, um, there's kayaking clubs, there's everything in the rivers, but the, the rivers around Manhattan are tough business. Yeah. The currents are serious. tough business. Yeah. The currents are serious. Yeah. They say the spot where the East river hits,

it hits, I guess it's a long Island sound and, uh, and it's a Harlem river, the East river and the long Island sound all meet right by the, by the Triborough bridge. And they say that spot will fucking, there's no way you can swim through that.

Probably like your dad, my dad and all his kids would jump off. There was a famous rocks that they'd jump into the river basically right around there. And they would lose kids, but they would jump into the river there. It was by Columbia University. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little safer than that.

Obviously, it's safer than the hotspot current. Yeah. A little bit to the east, I think. All right. Let's get to entertainment. Oh, entertainment. We're skipping. Oh, yeah.

We're skipping alligator bag. Sorry, people. Bradley Cooper. Bradley Oh, yeah. We're skipping alligator bag. Sorry, people. Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper is in the news this week. Oh, he's cute. Well, we kind of know him, you know, through Zach. Yep. I played some like game night at a house with him.

Ridiculously nice guy, by the way. And he's done stuff with Between Two Ferns as well. Bradley Cooper slams Hollywood's award season as quote, utterly meaningless and devoid of artistic creation. And I just thought, you know, lucky I said something nice about Bradley out of the gate, because another way I thought that headline could read was eight time Oscar loser. Who's never won an Oscar slams. Hollywood's award season is absolutely meaningless and devoid of artistic creation. And here's another way. I didn't like you anyway.

Four-time Golden Globe loser who's never won a Golden Globe slams Hollywood's award season is absolutely meaningless and devoid. Another way might be seven-time BAFTA loser slams Hollywood award season. In fairness, he did win a BAFTA, uh, for it, but yes, he, I remember the Oscars. There were so many nominations that night for a star is born and they came up zero. Yep. I mean, it's made him a better actor because he's got to sit there watching other people win with a fucking smile on his face every year and he's gonna sit there with his mom like this was my first choice to bring here oh that's right he probably can't get a date because they

want to be with a loser that's harsh that's harsh but you you didn't even list them all you didn't list the bottom where yeah well these, yeah. Well, these are, all right. So on other more, I guess, serious awards, he's 0 for 3 on PGA, which is the Producer Guild Award. He's 0 for 2 on the Director's Guild Awards. And he's 0 for 1 on the Writer's Guild Awards. This, however, is what's really surprised me. I actually am surprised by some of those. He's 0 for 10 on Teen Choice Awards. He's zero for four on People's Choice Awards. And all I thought you needed to win a People's Choice Award was to be a famous people.

The People's Choice Awards, I wrote on that a couple times, and you don't show up unless you're going to win. Because they're so low rent, they'll promise you that if you show up, you win the award. Right. So when you're looking out at the crowd, you know they're all winners. Right. Oh, totally. Exactly. Who's going to win this? She's there.

Kevin James again. It was like the VMAs. Yeah. We usually talk about what we've been watching this week. I saw a movie last night which won the... I was looking for a tear jerker

because I've been sad. And sometimes when I'm sad, I'll watch a tear jerker. That's interesting. Yeah. Get it out. You've got to get it gotta get it no it's also interesting you've been sad yeah i almost cried on my podcast yesterday when i was taping it because i was talking about depression well don't pull that shit here everyone's tuning in for a good time where's the paper let's crinkle it let's move on what the fuck are doing? That's what I look for from a friend, a guy who's just there for me no matter where I'm at.

What happened on the podcast? No, I was just talking about being depressed, and I started to get a little choked up. It was a good moment. You're probably good, better, way better now than you were at identifying what might be causing this. Yeah, but sometimes nothing causes it. Sometimes it just comes up because it's chemical. way better now than you were at identifying what might be causing this? Yeah, but sometimes nothing causes it. Sometimes it just comes up because it's chemical. I mean, I could point to a couple of minor things, but there was nothing major. No, but like sleep's good. You haven't changed meds. Well, I don't know if it's the chicken or the egg with the sleep, but the sleep's not great.

That definitely doesn't help. And also I got to blame myself. If I exercise like I did today and I meditate like I did today because I'm trying to pull myself out of it, then I'm good. That's all I got to fucking do. If I do those two things and I check in with myself, then I'm good. So I've just been, but again, chicken or the egg, did I stop exercising because I was depressed or am I gay? I was going to say though, those things are really hard to do if you're feeling down. You can't convince yourself it will be better if I exert this, what seems like tremendous energy to go out and run. It seems

like a waste of time also. Why bother is like in neon lights in your head when you're depressed. It doesn't feel, and it's like, there's this great book and I think you read it by, um, uh, William Styron called darkness visible. Did you ever read that? Oh, I read that. Yeah. Yeah. And it's the most concise, fundamental recognition of depression. It is like such, he talks about how when you're in it, you don't think it's ever going to end. No matter how long it lasts,

that's what keeps you from coming out of it is even though you've come out of it before, you don't think you're going to this time. No, and it was said that that't think you're going to this time. No. And he's, he, he, it was said that that book described the indescribable. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not, it's a short read.

If anybody's dealing with depression, it's a good place to start anyway. So I watched this movie. I looked up tearjerkers and it listed this movie called pickpocket and it's a Japanese film. It's subtitled. So there was a part of me that was like you know my eyes are so fucking bad now doing but it won the can film festival the palm door award at the can film festival so we watch it and uh what a fucking beautiful movie really it's about

this kind of collection it's almost like oliver twist like it. It's all these poor Japanese people. It's a husband and wife, and they sort of adopt a couple of kids. It's a very weird, dysfunctional arrangement of kids and adults living in a one-room apartment. And they shoplift and they work low-income jobs. Wait a minute. Did they go work for a Korean family and kill them? No, that's a very similar movie. Are you kidding? Maybe the title pickpocket is that they're stealing from Koreans, this movie.

No. Oh, you're talking about the Korean movie? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What was that called? Parasite. Yes. Yes, that's right.

It was very much like Parasite. It was about the underbelly. It's about the humor and love that exists in the underbelly of the economic strata. Ah. Yeah. Well, you know, they said Parasite is not the best translation. And that word in Korean also is the name used for the people that live off rich people. And so pickpocket is a similar, you's our producer, pointed out something before the show. Dancing with the Stars has just announced its new lineup and headlining Carol Baskins. Baskins, the tiger lady, not from our previous story, cradling the balls of a tiger.

I'm sure she has. She has. But she's in Tiger King. She's the nemesis, I think it's safe to say, in Tiger King. Oh, yeah. That's unbelievable. So I read some mentions of it on Twitter and Instagram, and I was like, that's a weird joke, thinking there's no way that's true.

Yeah. Well, she's a murderer, so why not get OJ on this season? I mean, if we're going to allow murderers on. Okay. I mean, is there any doubt that she killed- Alleged, alleged. Is there any doubt that she killed her husband? Yes, there is. You believe she didn't? No, but that there's tons of doubt is incriminating. Yeah. It's not like,

I don't think there are a lot of people convinced she didn't. Yeah. Aren't there two people that she allegedly killed or was it just the one guy? No, there was another husband. Right, right, right. Before that, before the famous one, I believe. Yeah. Interesting. I wonder who's going to get her as a partner. I wonder if you can pass because when you're a dancer, you know, you're hoping to get on the fucking show. They have to keep her along just for the spectacle of it. I think. Right. But the,

um, you know, keep in mind though, I'm, I'm all over the place with this because the staircase, he, so his wife dies on the staircase. Completely mysteriously.

Like they can't explain it. Blood. She falls. He had another wife that died on a staircase. That's right. That's right. So you would think slam dunk. He's guilty. Meanwhile, I actually don't think he's guilty. You don't know. I don't. The owl theory. There's a theory that an owl flew down. Well, spoiler alert, Greg, I 100 percent believe in the owl theory. Yeah.

100% believe in the owl theory. Yeah. Yeah. Was the owl theory in the show or was that, um, I think they talked to me. There was an addendum. Yeah. I think it was an addendum four episodes or something,

which actually I haven't watched. But what happened is when you watch the staircase, which is the granddaddy kind of of all the true crime. Yeah. Like that one was, I remember that was like my, my gift to give for a while. You couldn't stream it anywhere. It was before streaming. And even when streaming was started,

you still couldn't find it anywhere. It was only available on DVD. And so that was my gift to like so many people, like the equivalent of giving a book, I guess. And, um, and it's, it's amazing. If you haven't seen the staircase, the access that they have, and to think that this was before any podcast about true crime or any of that stuff. Right. It really is amazing. Speaking of which,

I had a dream. I've been fucking dreaming lately, which I don't usually do. I had a dream that Karen Kilgareff's father died. That's weird. Yeah. I got to email her and check on her dad. That's weird. Yeah. I got to email her and check on her dad.

That's a weird thing to do though, isn't it? Well, whatever. You know, everyone switches it to that's good luck. Like a bird shitting on you. Right, right. Oh, that's good. You jump, someone died. That's good luck.

Well, of course, they had to make that up. Yeah. What else are they going to say? Let's get to sports. It was very slow for us for the first four months of this podcast, but now there are, in fact, sports being played. And that's why I'm going to start off with the sport of bingo. Nice. An Ontario woman was kicked out of a bingo hall for not using a mask to cover the breathing hole in her neck. She's battling lung cancer.

She breathed through the hole in her neck. She was kicked out of her local bingo hall because as her son said, she was told to leave by management if she didn't cover up the hole in her neck. She explained that it was impossible to do. That's how she breathes. And then said Gilbert, the son said his mother was embarrassed and didn't want to create a scene. So she voluntarily left. He says when she got to the parking lot, she started crying. she voluntarily left. He says when she got to the parking lot, she started crying. I mean,

this is ridiculous. This mask thing is just going too far. What's next? Dolphins? Okay. But imagine, it's a cheap shot to do the voice when you put the microphone up. Do it, do it. No, but imagine it with a mask. It only gets worse.

That voice only gets worse. I mean, that's the thing is why is she a bingo night? There's no way she's going to win because you have to scream bingo. She probably won five times and didn't collect. Oh my God. The poor woman though. But yeah, that is crazy.

And I guess I would say, is there an argument to be made that if she were carrying the virus, that would actually be even more contagious? I don't want to come down on the side against this, but I'm trying to understand. I'm trying to see both sides. No, I mean, I think if that's the way you're expelling mucus and air from your body, I think you should wear a mask. But there was a guy, I used to caddy, and there was a guy named Frank Purcell who had a tracheotomy. And I think he got it like during the war he was like part of the fucking greatest generation and he was this fucking great man and um very respected and a decent person and do you

think that the caddies did not do the voice all the time that he was around i mean it for meanwhile my voice sounds like that naturally so i I shouldn't make fun. Yeah, right. All right. Thanks. Gee. What else? What else we got in sports? We have the Kentucky Derby, my friend.

Oh, boy. America's longest continuously held sporting event. So it's been delayed. It's normally in May. It's right now. It's like in post-time. Is that what they call it? 35, 35 minutes from as we're recording this on Saturday, but the real show is outside heavily armed pro-Trump supporters and far right militia members have gathered near Churchill downs in Louisiana,

vowing to protect the city ahead of a day of Black Lives Matter protests scheduled to kick off during the annual Kentucky Derby. What everyone has to remember here is this is in Kentucky. And so is Breonna Taylor and that controversy, which is still very, very, very much alive. So hundreds of men dressed in military gear and armed with semi-automatic weapons were out in force at Cox Park Saturday morning after a number of local social justice organizations announced plans to rally over the police shooting of Breonna Taylor. There's no way Cox Park does not have a Brambles for gay guys. That's where you go. A group of self-described, quote, patriots and militia members led by far-right activists identified as the Angry Viking.

Oh. They were seen toting guns. Tag of the horrible at the horse race. They were seen toting guns, American flags, and Trump 2020 signs as they patrolled the area ahead of the demonstrations. So I'm not really sure what, what's going down there now, but, uh, but I know it's pretty bad. Is this, are we, are we heading into, it has the makings of something pretty bad.

Are we heading into like a civil war is, is, I mean, this is like, you've got two groups now that are pretty dug in. The Black Lives Matter, which is an umbrella group. I mean, there's other groups within it, but there is a very profound, organic anger and commitment behind this movement. It's not going anywhere. anywhere. And on the other side, you've got these far right wing gun toting fucking lunatics that have a perception of this movement that is a threat to them. And I don't know how these two sides don't continue to go at it for a long period of time. Wait a minute, wait a minute. In fairness, and I'm not that knowledgeable on all this, but I will say there are extremists, and in my opinion, the extremists are the problem, but the extremists are on both sides. And there's also an extremist group which is very anti-police, and this is kind of an opportunity that they're latching onto. Right.

that they're latching onto. Right. So when there are, let's say a peaceful, which there's most of them obviously are a peaceful black lives matter protest that is not destroying property that is not stealing, looting, all that stuff. There is then attached extremist elements to it that are taking advantage of maybe this chaos. And really then it goes down at night mostly. And then a lot of these guys, the extreme on the, I guess you could call it on the right, are very upset about that. And they're upset about the looting and the desecration and, uh, you know, and all the vandalism, which is understandable. I mean, in my, in my opinion, it kind of misses the point of the, of, of the, you know, the, and distracts and takes away from the real

movement going on. But anyway, so that there is that, which makes it a little easier to understand. But my thinking on this also was, so when the Republicans decided to hold that, uh, rally in, um, Oklahoma. And then they chose, uh, Juneteenth. It was just like, it was this, you know, this back, this backdrop of this, of this, of black discrimination against blacks. And then it was going to be arguably one of the whitest celebrations going on. Yeah. the whitest celebrations going on. Yeah. And this reminded me that a little, because can you get whiter than the Kentucky Derby?

No. Outside of golf? No. It's in Louisville. It's where this Breonna Taylor killing went down. Yeah. And so now listen, I know it's separate and my mind can handle that. It's a separate issue, but it's like, help yourself a little by letting go of some of the things. So

old Kentucky home, a lot of people wanted them not to sing it, at least not to sing it this year. They're like, we're fucking, we're doing it. Cause it's sung every year there. So do you know the history of old Kentucky home? What is that? Is that the song of the Kentucky Derby? My old, no, it's not. It's an American sort of, I don't know what to call it, because it became a very popular. Like a folk tradition? It became a very popular, right, folk song, I guess.

But it became a very popular minstrel song. Oh, okay. Written by the legend Stephen Foster. But it has archaic language in it. So if you ever look up the lyrics to it, the original song has the word darky in it numerous times. Oh, geez. And then that archaic language was changed finally in the 1980s. Carl Hines, I looked this up, he was the only African-American in Kentucky's General Assembly. He introduced a law that substituted the word people for the word darky anytime the song is sung at state functions. The rest of the time, it's fine. Have at it.

Including the Kentucky Derby. So it's so including the Kentucky Derby so it's not enforced during the Derby no it is I believe it is no that is I think it is a state I think that is I think I think it did change in that that's interesting though I should look that up I I think I don't know if it changed in 1987 or whenever that was but I know that I think it has changed. And this year it's just going to be instrumental. Wow. Yeah. And how many of those Kentucky people are still going to say darky as like, uh, as either a joke or as a statement, you know, no offense Kentucky, but no, I'm with you. And they're going to dig in and typical of a lot of things we've seen, like people dig in on the wrong issues, like maybe just not dig, like maybe that's not the time to fight that battle. Also, maybe it's not a fucking battle. Like, you know, keeping, you know, uh, you know, the, the, the military base is named after traitors and stuff like that. that. So there was a picture though. I don't know if we have it here that they are also digging in on wearing. I don't know if you know the tradition you dress up, you got your mint juleps, you go to

the Kentucky Derby. And I guess a big thing is to wear these hats. Yeah. These crazy hats, the ridiculous hats. Sure. And so, okay. Maybe I don't really recognize it when like, it's a sea of stupid hats and you're really going overboard. But like, there's a picture when I was going through the news story this morning, there's a picture of a couple, they're all alone. Perhaps they own one of the horses because they're actually at the track, which is not allowed. And she is alone with him wearing the most bombastic stupid hat. Yeah. And it's like, you just look like a complete idiot. It reminds me of that Louis C.K. bit.

Louis C.K. had a bit once where he's talking about street fairs in New York City, street carnivals. Oh, right, right. And it's like, you do everything you can to win this giant stuffed like panda and you win it. And you are the king of fucking,'s call it sullivan street between prince and houston like you walk up that street kids are pulling on their parents things like look at that guy look what he can you win one for me three blocks over a block it is unaware that

there's a carnival two streets down and you're just a fucking weirdo adult walking around with a giant panda. That's what this hat thing is like. Yeah. You can't wear that when you're alone. Right. You're just an idiot. I remember that bit. Oh, my God.

All right. Let's do some business. Well, there was more sports. No, there wasn't. Really? I don't know. Oh, maybe there wasn't. I don't think so.

I guess we mentioned the NFL coming back. We already covered that kind of thing. We covered that with the, don't forget, my bookie. All right, business. Elon Musk's younger brother, Kimball, appears to have made more than $8 million on Tesla's stock this week as he exercised options to buy the stock two days after he sold those shares at 6.5 times the price he paid for them. After the week's trades, Kimball Musk still owns. So you're like,

oh, wow, the brother. That's the thing. You don't have to be a genius. You can just be a brother of a genius. But I don't want to take anything away. The more I read about Kimball Musk, I kind of have to say a lot of what I read was impressive. Like he, all these startups and stuff, but anyway, you'll hear this and you'd be like, Oh my God, he made $8 million. Well, that's a drop in the bucket after this week's trades, Kimball Musk, he still owns 638,000 Tesla shares. And, uh, at Friday's closing price that had put just those shares worth at 268 million.

Damn. So the 8 million is an afterthought in the 260 million that he has on other holdings. And then also in April of 2018, he married Christiana Wiley. She's an environmental activist and also the daughter of billionaire Sam Wiley. I love it. I love it.

Kimball's doing all right. I love, you know, the people that make money professionally also make it in their personal life. I mean, you look at um chris hardwick for for instance and i love chris but he sold his website for like i'm not kidding you when i say like 50 million dollars and then he married uh one of the hearst daughters like right william randolph hearst daughter who's worth a billion dollars. It's just keep the money together. That's the key. Don't drag a poor person into this equation. But as startups, I'm going to not remember them, but they were really cool with like these urban

gardens that he used these storage containers. I will say these brothers think outside the box, and I'm not trying to make a joke. They really do. They are they set off by thinking of doing things differently. Yeah. I read his biography. He was always a he was always an interesting kid. Who was his brother? Yeah. the younger brother, his start, these startups have been very impressive and they are, they are for bettering society. I will say that. Yeah. I'm sure we're going to get letters about the asshole maneuvers. Of course you can't be this big of a winner without there having been lots of losers. I understand that. But some of the things he's doing really, because some of these

super rich guys who all they do is win are just looking out for themselves. And they don't do things that have integrity or that try to help others. Well, and Silicon Valley loves to tell you that they're altruistic. And they're not. They pay lip service to it when, in fact, most of the shit they're doing is just fucking immoral and terrible. Mike, how about some, uh, how about an ask Amy? I think we're ready for that. Ask Amy, dear Amy, I consider myself an easygoing, low maintenance person, which they put in quotes. So maybe they're not,

easygoing, low-maintenance person, which they put in quotes. So maybe they're not. By the way, they're not. Spoiler alert, they're not. I also pride myself on being considerate and expect the same from close friends and family. Here is my quandary. I recently celebrated my birthday, and year after year, my husband's brother and sister neglect to send me any well wishes. This is despite the fact that we are quite close. They also have been told repeatedly when it is and have reportedly, quote, put it in their calendars. My husband reminds them after the fact. I wonder why. At which point I get belated wishes and apologies, which I have accepted in the past. In addition, both of their birthdays are within weeks of mine, and I always send them a text wishing them a great day. I am trying to quote, rise above this, but I'm at the point where I want to bag it and stop trying on this front.

I hate being petty, but this is hurtful signed forgotten birthday girl oh is is the bigger concern that someone married a 12 year old girl right right she's the kind of girl who she definitely she has multiple cats. She's got a key chain with a rabbit's foot on it with like a Disneyland, uh, free swipe pass, the annual swipe pass for Disneyland. She's, she's competing and dancing with the stars. Oh yeah. She, she's, uh, yeah, well I think they are giving her, they're giving her a gift every year. It's called a not subtle hint that they don't like you. Yeah. Is that a possibility?

How about the husband reminds them after the fact every year? That means he didn't remind, he's just wishing it would go away every year. Yeah. And then every year you make him call them out. And then additionally, you write to a woman, Amy, who you don't know at all. Yeah. And you shame them publicly. Yeah.

Now, I get shit. I got a brother-in-law who I fucking love, Rob. He's awesome. He's a great guy. And I get shit if I don't call him on his birthday. He's never called me on my birthday. He doesn't call me. The only time I hear from him is when he says I didn't call him. I thought he'd give you shit when you didn't send him for his birthday, a 30 pack of Bud Light, which is one and a half nights for him. Yeah. Yeah. Rob,

Rob can put him down and yet you look at him and he is built like an Adonis. No, he's one of them where I, it's like a alcohol is being processed a different way. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh,

happy birthday, Rob, uh, in advance. Yeah. Or you just missed it. Let's get to some listener mail Let's do it

This one comes in from Joanne Oh, hold on I was going to guess what you said, but I can't guess, go ahead Joanne says, I seem to have a crush on you two Oh my god, I knew it, I should have said it I knew it How did you know? I don't know, and then I myself. I don't know why.

I had a feeling though. I had a feeling, you know, I should just go with it. Go with your gut. This is the Sunday papers. You know, it's like my foot is, my foot is twice the size it was when we started this podcast. Oh Jesus. Don't hold it up. I don't want to see it. I'm not going to hold it. I can't. I can't lift it. It's so big. This is from Louis Oley. Louis?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus? Yeah. Your podcast is quickly becoming my favorite. It's all the news I need, hilarious, and great audio. As an old school. We don't always hear that. We don't hear that. It's because of bad audio. As an old school radio we don't always hear that. We don't hear that. Because of bad audio.

As an old school radio guy, maybe it's not, you're in a closet and I'm in a fucking, I'm in a window, a window, an office with windows on an airport. Literally. Right next to a runway. As an old school radio guy, I love the blend of voices, mics, two packs a day voice. How dare you and greg's nasal kazoo cutting through the noise and you crap on family suck ass as we used to call it me and my brother and my sister used to read the sunday funnies together passing them back and forth not noticing all the domestic abuse and cries for help buried in there, but definitely noticing how shitty that cartoon was.

Thanks for the show and all the best to you too. Well, thank you, Louis O'Lea. Louis O'Lea is the most lyrical name. I wonder if he's laconic. Louis O'Lea. Isn't it sound like a Western novel? Like, isn't it Louis Amour? Wasn't that the guy's name or something? Do you think if you're a girl and you have sex with him, you tell your roommate

the next day, I got, I got Olayed last night. I got Louis Olayed. Yeah. Louis Olayed. I like that. Bad news is I don't have a crush on you guys Mike for sure that's a dead end street you're in the closet we get it never get tired of that joke some guy named Dennis Gubbins writes in still trying to come up with the perfect burn for watching two old dudes in different closets play a crossword puzzle

I'll figure it out soon Gubbins in different closets play a crossword puzzle. I'll figure it out soon. Gobbins. Sadly, it's that time. It's that time in the podcast. And that's all, folks. Obituaries. Tough, tough loss this week.

Chadwick Boseman, who was the guy who... He died again? Yeah, we're a little late on this one. All right. I don't know. We didn't do obituaries last week, but I feel like we can't... No, this guy was... I like this guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you know him from the Black Panther. Not me. That's not where I know him from. From what? I don't know him from that. Oh, you know, I'm from the James Brown movie. Yeah. Loved him in that. Where can you see that? Um, I'm sure. Why don't you get a, what's his name on here to tell us how to stream? Like he, like he schooled me on his movie. Uh, who, who was our guest the other day?

We had a guest. Yeah. The phone call for Christ's sake. Oh, Oh, uh, King of Stan Island. Um, we're the worst. It's ADD. It really, you panic and all of a sudden names become blurry. Judd Apatow. Judd Apatow. I was so, uh, um, so anyway, he, uh, he was in that. I need to see that. He was only 43, had colon cancer. He played great roles. He's one of these actors that chose meaningful roles. As a black man, I think he can be looked upon as somebody that portrayed James Brown,

Thurgood Marshallall um jackie robinson you know i mean that's it's one thing to be a successful actor but it's another thing to do like you know he did a cool spike lee movie called the five bloods um so anyway uh that's that's a sad one and to cheer up afterwards I thought we'd do a fun death this was a guy named Santa A. Claus he was a Pennsylvania native

who portrayed the jolly old elf for more than 50 years you gotta see the picture of this guy he is Santa Claus he fucking looks exactly like Santa and he changed his name to Santa Claus to reflect the role. He used to go to the Valley Mall in Pennsylvania. He went through a nine-year legal battle to change his name.

And his wife, Dolores, was always at his side as mrs claus and uh he became very popular at the mall of america in minnesota and he was in tv commercials newspaper ads took it very seriously and his wife owned a herd of reindeer that lived on their Pennsylvania land. How about that? He said he did it because if children asked him to see his ID, I can do it. I wanted to have something they can believe in. Well, that's a weird fucking kid. That's a fake ID.

If a kid's asking you for ID, that's a weird fucking kid. Yeah. Okay, so Christmas is officially officially canceled even before it's officially canceled. I know. Do not let your kids read this story. He's also going to, he's going to not miss Christmas this year, by the way. I don't think there's going to be one. That's true. Maybe, yeah, maybe he took himself out. Because this is not heading in a pretty direction at all. So I think Christmas is endangered. Christmas is going to suck this year.

Yeah, the second wave is going to kick in in November, probably November 5th. And it's going to take us through to the spring. November 5th? Or 4th. are you guessing November 5th or 4th? When's the election? The third. It's funny. I read these headlines, uh, that said,

um, new model predicts 480,000 deaths by Christmas. No shit. But I read it kind of fast. I'm like, why the fuck would I listen to what a model thinks and that's like and then it's like international model has it at like you know three million does I'm like an internet of course it's an international model probably German or

French but why are we listening to her about the virus? It's hilarious. That should be a new show. Well, it kind of is. I do a lot of these morning TV interviews when I go on the road. And any of the Fox, Good Morning Phoenix or whatever, it's literally four broadcasters who are out of Ford modeling catalog. Yes. They're six feet tall. They're gorgeous.

They have fake boobs. No matter what city you're in, that's where you're getting your news. Right. And that's the models. I just was confused why they would let a new model make this projection. Why not give it to someone who's been on the catwalk for a long time? That's right. Yeah.

Let Cheryl Teagues. I believe Cheryl Teagues. Farrah Fawcett. That's right. Yeah. Let Cheryl Teagues. I believe Cheryl Teagues. Farrah Fawcett. Getting back, though, to the previous obituary. Hold on. I was lost here. Chadwick Boseman? Yeah. So I had heard a very interesting thing about him, which is when he was in college, and'm trying to look that up simultaneously. So sorry if I'm lost, but, um, when he was at Howard university, there was a program at Oxford, uh, this theater program, a summer theater program, and he qualified to go and he couldn't afford to go. And then one of the acting teachers there, and we all know her,

the actress, Felicia Rashad from Cosby. Yeah. Cosby's wife. Talk about acting. But anyway, Cosby's, she also had to act happy on that show and shit was happening on the set. Anyway, she's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't pass this up. I'll find the money. So she reached out to some celebrity friends and they put together money and paid. So he found out, he went to Oxford, studied in the money. So she reached out to some celebrity friends and they put together money and paid. So he found out, he went to Oxford, studied in the program. He found out afterwards that Denzel

Washington had paid for his. Oh, no shit. So then he wrote a thank you note, but he never went public about it. And he said, I won't go public about it until I finally meet him in person because I want to thank him in person. And then finally he couldn't wait any longer. And Black Panther is about to come out. And then there's an interview with Rolling Stone magazine. And he went public with it there. But before that hit the newsstands, Denzel Washington came to the premiere of, uh, of his movie black Panther. And in there,

he ran up to him and said it. And, he's like, you know, you may not even be aware. He's like, you know, you paid for me.

Like I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for you. And Denzel was like, why do you think I'm here? I'm here to collect on the money. That was an investment. Like what a cool story. Yeah. It's a cool story, but i got kind of hung up on like didn't felicia rashad make enough money on cosby to send the kid over to england i mean what could

it have cost five you're right ten you're right it's not denzel money yeah she never sued cosby but you know what great you always get to the core of these stories and find the most important part. I mean, I feel like she really fell asleep on that one. Yeah, totally. Which isn't the first time she's fallen asleep. I'm going to organize a cruise to the Galapagos and invite some Hollywood friends.

And I think I can find you that money. Um, how do we cheer up after we do the obituaries, Mike? I know how we get fucking furious after we do the obituaries mike i know how now we get fucking furious about some of the comics sunday funnies people all right let's get oh i want to read a couple of people send us letters about the sunday papers this comes from tony who says first some background information

blondie stiffens my tube and i've been puzzled by dagwood's disinterest since i was a kid so i was ordering food the other day at a sub shop had a dagwood sub this sub is turkey ham and corned beef it was pretty good i'm telling you this because while we can't slap the shit out of Dagwood for ignoring Blondie's golden cartoon monkey We can eat a nice sandwich and pass Dagwood through our small intestine like the piece of shit that he is Signed Tony the red-haired Italian That's I would love to do that I'm gonna find that sandwich And I'm gonna I'm gonna take a picture of the shit, and I'm going to mail it to...

Who does Blondie? Who writes Blondie? You should know. Probably the grandson of whoever wrote the first strips back in the... By the way, we talked about this. It goes back to the 1930s. Really? Yes, it's probably like his grandson writing it today.

Maybe even another generation who knows this is from chris w who says wanted to let you know that same family circus bill keen is an arizona treasure a life-size statue of bill stands at the mccormick stillman railroad park in scottsdale where bill is on all fours playing horsey with all the comic strip kids, Billy, Dolly, Jeffy, and PJ. It's very sweet. Thanks for the great pod. How do you feel now, Mike? The statue sounds like Exhibit A in a predator lawsuit or court hearing. Well, at least you can feel good that there's a lot of pigeons shitting on them. Well, at least you can feel good that there's a lot of pigeons shitting on them. Well, again, the statue's not funny.

It's what? It's cute? Yeah. Maybe it's appropriate. Right. They put more effort into making that statue than he ever did writing one fucking strip. Maybe you should, how about this? I'll eat a Dagwood sandwich, and then I'll go to Arizona, and I'll shit on the Bill Keen statue.

That would be the perfect way. That's perfect. The one-two punch. It's amazing. I like it. Let's get to our first cartoon. Today is, oh, we got a great Andy Capp. Andy is running home, and running home drunk. He's got the bubbles, you know, the booze bubbles and the red nose that Andy cap look. And he looks at the camera. I love this. He breaks the fourth wall and he says, wish me luck. And now he's walking into his living room. He says, you might hear about a little incident tonight, pet, but let me give you my side of the story first. She says, first, she goes, too late, buster. No sure Thompson's already put it on Facebook.

She's holding up her phone. She's in curlers and a bathrobe. She ain't happy, Mike. And then the final one is him on the couch. And he says, I thought modern technology was supposed to make your life easier. No, no, no, no. and he says, I thought modern technology was supposed to make your life easier. No. No, no, no.

I don't want modern times bought into my fucking comic strips. It's not cute. It's not clever. Stick to just fucking beating. Beat her, Andy. That's what we tune in for. She got in his face there.

Yeah. Well, she does for she got in his face there yeah well she does she gets in his face and you know it's it's it leads to violence all right speaking of violence hag of the horrible oh we get a nice one this week first they show a king and he is kissing his coat of arms, which if you don't know is like a old kind of British thing. Your family crests are on it. Then he kisses his crown and then he kisses a big bag of money and then he kisses his wife. And then the final frame is Hager and his band of merry men. And they're carrying out the coat of arms, the crown, the bag. And then one guy is grabbing his wife and she, and she goes, Hey, I'm not going anywhere. And the King has his hands up in the air, like, sorry, baby rules of war.

That's so there's not even a safe harbor from the rape? I mean, the guy looks really upset when they're stealing everything else, but when it comes to the wife, he's got this half smile on his face. She's a little overweight. She's a little chunky. I think that's the joke. I think everyone in the frame is. Oh, you think that's what the joke is?

Not that it's a human being who's being carted away to rape? It's unbelievable. Again, seven-year-old boys reading this and going, I want to be a Viking. Let's play Viking. Sally, will you play with us?

And she's the least valuable thing on the list. Yeah. She's last. And the crown's on her head, by the way. They just leave it on there. It comes with her. That's right. That's right. Doesn't pay to be a queen in some places. Any family circus you want to go over this week? Oh God. Yes. Um, all right. Let me find it. It's so forgettable. It's so, uh, every week they're bad, right? Yeah. But no, no. But like in some weeks I'm like, I don't even know what to say. There's, there's not, there's nothing there. Yeah. This week is a picture of a boy. He's dressed up like a cowboy. Can you at least learn their names?

No. No. So this useless fuck has his, like, vest on, plaid shirt, whatever. He has a holster with his toy gun. I'm hoping it's a toy, you know. And then he has his thumbs and his like, you know, belt and he's wearing a hat that's too big and the hat is too big and it's like almost covering his eyes and it's down on his nose and he is yelling to his useless mom, how did cowboys

see where they were going? And that is all. The mom doesn't then like have a joke. Yeah. There's no humor. Yeah. I mean, when he had this drawing, was he like, okay, I've got two gems. How did Cowboy's pants stay up? You know, because the holster is dragging them down. Right. Yeah. or maybe his hat

which complete non-fucking effort should i send into the newspaper yeah so they can pay my fifth home's mortgage yeah this week yeah i mean it really is. And we've talked about this. Is it possible that he faxes the comic strips in, but the fax is getting cut off after the first frame and we're losing out on the punchline frame that comes next? What a story that would be that he has made a fortune just on setups. It's this accidental fortune. Yeah. It was kind of like when you and I would

fax in jokes to Norm Macdonald on SNL and you had the wrong fax number. Our first writing job, I opened for Norm and he said, I want you, I want you to write for me. And why don't you send in some jokes? So Lori, what's her name? Lori? Who? His assistant. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's who gave you the number? Yeah. Now she's like his executive producer, but she started out as an assistant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she gave us a phone number to fax into.

Lori Jo. Every week. And again, me and Mike had never written for TV. We were fresh out of college, and we would get Chinese food, and we'd stay up all night writing jokes on Thursday, and we'd fax them in like you were supposed to on Friday. And then Saturday we would sit in front of the TV watching Saturday Night Live waiting during weekend update for one of our jokes. Sometimes they would tackle the same premise and we'd be like, this is it. This is it.

Yeah, right. Because that's our setup. Right. Never the joke. Never got paid. After a few months, we finally gave up. And then Mike ends up producing a show for Norm on Comedy Central. And he says, we've never met, but I used to send you jokes. What happened exactly? fan of your voice forever and found I could write it well. And I became his head writer. And I was like, uh, and I told him what you just said that we would stay up all night and then, you know, in a precious way, just put that, slip those pages in the fax machine and then just pray and

wait till Saturday that you'd read one of our jokes. And he said, I thought you called and found out the news from the producer. Oh, maybe that's what it was. Oh, maybe that's what it was. No, it was. So what happened was you called and you thanked them anyway. Yeah. You said, thanks so much. You know, we wrote all season.

And she was like, really? And she's like, I think I would have known. And I also am imagining you would have gotten a couple on the show. Yeah, she said, we read every submission. I would definitely know if you had been sending them in. So we had the wrong number. We were faxing to nowhere. So then she asked, what number were you faxing it to?

You read the number. She's like, that's not the phone number. You're off by a digit. not the phone number. You're off by a digit. So we pictured some guy in Chase Bank in a 212 area code getting the best, dirtiest, most fucking crazy jokes every Saturday. And on Monday morning, that guy was the king of the crack whore jokes in that Chase branch. Oh yeah. The water cooler, that was all him. Monday morning, 9am to 1030. He was the guy. But when I was telling Norm that I go, I told him that ending that you then called and that, um, that, uh, you had the wrong number and he laughed so hard, but he reiterated the same thing.

Kind of like his OCD. He goes, no, no, you don't understand. Like I couldn't walk by the fax machine if there were pages in there. I read every joke. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the good news is I ended up using that as a writing sample on, um, politically incorrect for Bill Maher and I got hired. So they were good jokes. I guess they were good jokes. I guess I should have maybe given you half the money since you wrote half those jokes. Maybe. I don't know. Yeah. Here she is.

This is my girl. All right. It's Blondie. Oh, boy. She is something special. This week, it is... Wait, hold on. Okay. So, they've got a table set up at at the house.

And so Dagwood's in a tuxedo and he's got his son dressed as a waiter and his daughter is dressed up in a dress. And he said, who, by the way, is fucking hot in her own right and if i had to choose it's pretty rare that i would choose the mother over the daughter i mean but the daughter is so hot if it wasn't for blondie i would be all over her but just know that she's not quite there she's are you guys all ready so he said we're all set dad and goes, looks like we've covered all the bases. I'll go get your mother. So he goes in, and she says, she comes downstairs. She's wearing a black velour skirt just above the knee, flats,

which I don't love on her, and kind of a pink polka dot top. Her breasts are heaving, heaving. And he says, welcome to lunch at Bumstead's Bistro. I'm Alex, your maitre d'. That's the son. And so he brings her in and the daughter says, I'm Cookie, your hostess. Bonjour, Bumstead is waiting in the dining area. She says, I can't believe this. There's a sign that says Mother's Day. I walk in and Dagwood sits her down. And then he says, you cater to everyone else all year. Now it's your turn.

She says, how beautiful. Tablecloth, champagne, flowers, all on the table. He says, we've prepared your favorite meal, honey. And there's music playing. And she says, what a wonderful surprise. I mean, the words are coming from a woman who does nothing but give. A woman that in a different situation would not be cooking and cleaning. She would be laying back on the couch, eating chocolates, waiting for this guy to walk through ground glass to lick the fucking corn kernels out of her asshole.

But instead, she's slaves for this piece of shit. corn kernels out of her asshole. But instead, she's slaves for this piece of shit. And then she says to him, well, I wonder what other surprises you have in store. They click glasses, and this piece of shit, this undeserving zero says, Herb booked a last-minute tea time for our men's foursome this afternoon.

Fade to black. It just ends there. But it doesn't end there. She goes upstairs and cries and flips through photographs of guys she could have had. She then is trying to arrange her own foursome. Mike, every week we say we're going to do a short one once again how long did we do I don't know 139 something

one hour and 40 minutes which is exactly what we come in at every week I don't know why we don't plan it but that's how it works out we want to remind you guys if you want to support the podcast which we really appreciate you doing make if you want to support the podcast, which we really appreciate you doing, make sure you go

to MyBookie. Use promo code PAPERS and get yourself matching first deposit up to $1,000. There's NFL games Thursday night. Right. Kansas City. And we'll catch you guys next time. Oh, wait. One little thing

I forgot to bring up. I was a little all over the place. The missing leg earlier, that could be something we watched this week. There's a documentary called Finders Keepers. Did you hear about this? No. It's about a guy and his leg is misplaced and the woman who finds it claims Finders keepers and won't return it no and

apparently this is a great documentary from 2015 so i know all about it but i haven't seen it we should watch it this week we'll watch it this week we'll talk about it next week don't forget the thursday papers comes out every thursday it's a shorter version it's a shorter version. It's a little looser. It's fun. And then we've also got Fitz Dog Radio comes out on Tuesdays. And Childish comes out on Wednesdays with Alison Rosen. Anything you want to plug, Mike? Yes, your happiness and your mental health, Greg. Thank you.

You just brought up your other podcast. I hope you don't have a rough week. No, I don't have to record those till late in the week. So I have a few days to work out, to meditate, to watch some more sad movie. I'm feeling good though. I'm feeling good. We got a heat wave in LA,

hit the beach today and, uh, shake it out. Sounds good. All right, brother. We'll talk to you next week. Wrap it up,

pal. Wrap a fish in it. Wrap a leg in it. Do some painting Put it under the easel Take it eesh Take it eesh and Mike are on the Sunday paper. Sunday paper. Every week they host the Sunday paper. If you want the news but don't know who to believe in,

you have to laugh, otherwise you might scream. You can listen to the Sunday paper.