Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 270 6/29/25

Episode Date: June 29, 2025

The Rehearsal, a devout Rastafarian at the Supreme Court, and a Florida Man breaking-and-entering to avoid his wife. Watch Greg’s special, “You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Email caption submissions to ⁠⁠[e-mail]⁠⁠ subject line: “Comic Contest”Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): ⁠⁠[e-mail]⁠⁠Find Mike on Venmo here: ⁠⁠https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTime⁠⁠Make sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram:Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Read all about it! Read all about it! Read all about it! Presses, the presses broke broke down paper still coming out. Yeah, what went on champ? Well, I have a computer and it's sitting in my lap where it belongs. It's a laptop. And it just died. It just went black. And then I it was plugged in so I moved it to another plug held down the power button. It's a MacBook Air and Nothing happens. So I guess I got to bring dessert. I think there's a little hole on the side that you can stick a

Paper clip in you ever see that little hole on the side of your laptop. Nope And it resets it. I think that's a reset But I'm gonna call Apple before I go sticking anything into the side of my computer. Dude, every nerd gives advice on there. The whole genius bar is online. Just type in your problem. Oh yeah.

All right. Yeah. Hey, live shooter in Santa Monica today. No. Yeah, shot a cop. I think the cop... Did they shoot him back? No. Yeah, shot a cop. I think they shot him back. What? No, he was at large for a while, but I and I say he because I think they identified him now. I don't know the very latest, but we had

a situation man, a lot of copters out there. And let's hope that Trump can send some more troops out here because we can't seem to control it. Yeah, where are all the troops? Aren't they out like in the in the inland empire somewhere? Like they're not here. I don't know. I know that they're sitting on their asses. They're going to be going to Iran. That's what that's the development. I mean, can we even keep up with this news? It's a lot. It's a lot to keep up with. It's a steady stream. It keeps you I mean, I swear to God I was I've been I tracked my amount of time that I've been on my phone for the last week. Yeah, you're gonna try to guess my average amount of time a day is on my phone. 25 hours. That's not fun. That's not a fun way to play a game.

It's fun and funny. All right, you want me to really guess the amount of time you're on your phone? Were you traveling? I mean... No, I was just home, home without a lot to do. I mean between five and six hours. Five hours and 20 minutes a day was my average on my phone. And I tried to watch TV at night and I could not because my eyeballs were burning. Okay where's the average? Where's the average? I'm gonna look up mine. You go to your settings yeah and then you go down to this doesn't count in terms of my screen time but it's going to go ahead. Settings and

go down to screen time. Oh good lord they have a setting that's oh yeah there it is. Today it was four hours and 57 minutes and that was with me trying to stay off the phone. Daily average five hours and 17 minutes. No shit. Well I I've been working 12 hour days and we're on the phones a lot I mean but oh by the way this is the crazy part it's down 22% from last week. Damn. No, I now, and I guess everyone, we talked about this last week,

I just have to just put the goddamn thing down. The algorithm, I feel I'm under the impression I'm learning things. And I guess I am, but none of it's sticking. It's not sticking, it's giving you a false sense. Here's I'll get into a conversation I'll be like well you know actually Estonia used to be a part of the Czech Republic and then they go uh well what else was in the Czech Republic and I'm like I don't know I just learned that in six seconds there's no backup there's no depth to that statement there's no depth to that statement. There's no context to it. It's just, it's just a niblet that

I got. Oh, this is interesting. My most used are messages, two hours and seven minutes. Instagram's 39 minutes. That seems impossible to me. I do 39 minutes when I'm waiting to watch TV. Yeah. I want to give a shout out. Nine minutes. Hey, I'll take that. There you go, Mr. Intellectual Lefty. Clock is eight minutes. What is that? I am timing things at work. Maybe that's what it is. Shout out to everybody that checked in this week this time last week we were is that you beeping and dinging? No. Something's dinging. So my computer died so I'm on my daughter's computer her laptop. Oh no. And there's something dinging I don't know what she has the dings.

Oh, turn off notifications on the upper right. This is fun. This is a fun podcast. Notifications. I don't see it. Oh, there's those two little slidey toggles. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Click focus, see if that works. Oh yeah, yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm putting on focus. See if that works.

Oh yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. I put it on focus. Do not disturb. Okay. Yeah, you completely messed up her life. So here's the thing. You've got your 21 year old daughter's laptop. Do you look at messages? Not one. Not looking at no history. I don't want to know anything more than I already know about my children. I know they tell me, I would say my kids tell me more than I want to know to begin with. I don't need to pry on top of that. No, you see the text message to her friend like I faked my appendix, everyone bought Next up, suicide. What? What? Pretend to be kidnapped. I need a timeout. Yeah. Are we allowed? I think we're allowed to talk about the appendix. Yeah. So now we last when we last spoke, I had spent I had

just spent about eight hours with my daughter took an urgent care went to the emergency room. And she had just gotten carted into the operating room. And they said it was going to be a one hour surgery hour and a half surgery followed by two hours of her being unconscious. So I raced home, we did the podcast, I raced back, I got there. And I watched her sleep for about an hour. And, and then she she woke up and 100% but I got literally probably like 50 to 100 probably 100 emails from people wishing her well some people praying for her I don't need that.

That's what did it she does. That's excessive. Because I don't know what religion you're praying for her in. But anyway, the update I hear it's great. It's great. It's it's that arthroscopic or whatever. So they make a few holes, they get in and out. We ended up you know, we're at UCLA, which is the best hospital in LA. We ended up with the chief of surgery somehow. And so the nurse like I can't believe it but you got the chief of surgery. He's usually doing like you know major operations but I guess they were slow. So yeah got out

and then we were discussing whether or not she'd spend the night and she was thinking about it and then I had just gotten off the phone with Blue Shield, who told me that the UCLA is out of network and there's a $7,000 deductible plus 50% of whatever else the costs are. And I'm like, now we're going to head home. I think we're going to just pack it up real quick and you'll sleep in your own bed tonight. Good Lord. We're walking home and also we're walking home. We're walking home and you know and then I see the nurse goes, yeah she's still in pain I'm gonna give her some Tylenol and I'm like okay that's gonna cost $40 for this to tell and she pulls out a bag and puts it on

the IV drip it's like oh no I guess that's 200 for the Tylenol they give it to her intravenously where was I that I was like well do you have it was the most basic thing I got a terrible way to start a story. Anyway, it was, they were, oh, no, it was, took Sophie to the emergency room in Nebraska, which we talked about. This was on the drive to Michigan in August, say. And anyway, and I remember we were leaving and it turns out she just had really bad reaction of food. And I'm like, so do you have Pep Nobismo or something like that?

She's like, you wouldn't like it if I gave it to you I'm like is it literally pep or is it some medical grade she's like no no it's literally it but there is a price tag lady she's like just go to the gas station I'm like yeah thank you for telling me that that's amazing but we had we had a nice summer I mean you know you've been through this with your kids when they get really sick like that, or they have to go to the hospital. You feel the love you've like when I was watching her sleep, I was literally watching. Sounds corny, but I saw every time of

her life from baby to kid in her favorite pajamas and, and all this stuff. And then she woke up and I was just so happy when she woke up because you don't so happy when she woke up. Because you don't know. You don't know if everything is going to be alright. And then we just watched movies all weekend. And that's new for you because you usually leave before the women wake up that you're watching sleep.

So that's great. I go waddling out of the room with my pants around my ankles. Waddling back to coach in the plane. That little blanket around my waist, like a skirt. She's so, that rich lady is so beautiful when she sleeps. I got peanuts, you want peanuts? Very good, man. So guess what we watched?

First of all, here's a sleeper, and you might have heard about it because a lot of people have told me to watch this, and so I've suggested it to JoJo and we watched it. Paddington 2. Wait a minute. Paddington 2. All right, so there's a thing going around Instagram. There's two things. Remind me to say the second thing in a minute.

But one thing is this list of everybody's top movies of this century or something like that. Yeah. And a writer I respect had Paddington too. And I'm like, is he did he write on it? Or is he's a comedy writer? Yeah. Did he write on it? Or is he just being like, you know, just trying to be unique? Like, so what is that? Well, well, it's live action. It's a kids movie, but it's live action. And the cast, I'm just looking up the cast right now. It's insane. It's Hugh Grant. Hugh Bonneville, who you know,

he's been in everything he was, he was the father in Downton Abbey. Okay. Brendan Gleeson. Oh, yeah, isn't it? And it was just crazy. And the writing is so funny. It's beautifully shot. I know you're gonna hate to hear this, but it looks like a Wes Anderson movie. So that might annoy you but a Wes Anderson movie with a story, that's a win-win. Okay, there you go. So, and then it gets, so we're laughing at it. We can't believe it because I told her, just like you said, I've like, people I respect are saying it's one

of the best movies of all time. So she agrees and we just immediately immediately you just get it you know and and the bear is really fucking cute but the jokes are really sharp and funny and then it gets you know it's got the big you know no more no more do i need to have any knowledge of pattington at all no no okay not plantin one nothing i'll just say this at the, I look over and we're on opposite sides of the couch and I see her shoulders going up and down and she's sobbing and then she whips her head around and looks at me and I got tears running down my face and we both just started laughing for like five minutes.

That's great. Yeah, and then we watched, I said, we gotta watch some Woody Allen, Love and Death. She loved it. Yeah. That's a great one. That is a really good one. Well, I mean, some night, I mean, put on his home runs, Crimes and Misdemeanors. I mean, I know that's not... You can't find a lot of them.

I mean, well, what you can find now, I think, is it on Amazon? I don't know where it is. But now Deconstructing Harry, which I always rave about, is a joke machine and showing Robin Williams. The cast is gigantic. I wanted to show her Hannah and her sisters. I think that's top three. Yeah. But if you did it right write and those are great and amazing like scripts. But if you if you guys are just like you want to keep it light in a joke a minute with a cast she knows no less than eight people in the cast. Julia Louis Dreyfus. I was just gonna say Julia Louis Dreyfus. Yeah. Robin Robin Williams, Kirstie Alley, Demi Moore. Like it's unbelievable. Right, right.

All right, so what else? I went on Good Day LA today. I don't know if you live in LA. Oh, we're taping this full disclosure and we're getting a lot of complaints. Today is Wednesday, the 25th. It's my fault. Greg wanted to do it later. It's yours and mine and, and mid coast media doesn't want to work on

Saturdays, which I get who wants to work on a Saturday night, but, um, it's making it so that these tapings are feeling like some of the news feels a little stale by the time it comes up especially like you said at the beginning how fast the news cycle is right now so forget also we kind of like you know with all the right-wing cry babies very sensitive when we criticize their leaders so sometimes we also avoid some of the big stories yes we are trying to be nonpartisan on this show. I hear it.

People write to me. I very thoughtfully respond. Sometimes people write me very long notes about how they don't agree with our politics and why. And then I try to respond. I try to be thoughtful and not reactive. And I feel like there's a lot of constructive conversation going on.

And we'd hate to lose a listener as opposed to maybe learn from one. Oh, listen to that. Are you just saying that because they likely own a gun? No, it's in the script right here. Oh, OK. It's in the script. Hey, I'm in a writer's room right now with a couple of New Yorkers and they cannot believe

this guy beat Cuomo in the primary for mayor. Oh no, Cuomo had a giant war chest of cash. He had the unions. The unions picked Cuomo over this guy, even though this guy is basically a socialist. He's a- Music to my ear. That's why I'm asking. I am a, I'm very pro socialist.

Most people who balk at that don't know what socialist means, but do I trust a billionaire over a government even if it's a little poorly run? Yeah, I trust the government more. I mean by socialism, he basically wants to make housing affordable in New York City. And there's ways of doing that that are not being right now. There's hundreds of thousands of units in New York that are sitting empty because there's a lot of restrictions on what you can do. And there's problems that need to be fixed. And I think

that's his primary focus is making New York affordable, which was what makes New York interesting, you know, like, my wife grew up in the city, and her father was not making a lot of money. Her mother was a mental health nurse. And, you know, her brother grew up in a rent control department, and he was a filmmaker and a student. Like rent control is supposed to be there for the people that make the fabric of the city. Interesting artists and, you know, working class people. And they can work. It's not like Disney where they have to take

a monorail into work to serve rich people. What? The workers can live in the city. Yes, right. I mean, there's also that which, of course, makes a nice fabric What? The workers can live in the city. Yes, right. I mean, there's also that, which of course makes a nice fabric and all that. Anyway, listen, just one note on socialism. That's where we own the water or the electricity or whatever it is instead of a private company,

instead of a bunch of douchebags. Everyone who hates socialism like, oh, then the government owns it? No, we own it. Anyway, listen, lightening it up. Have you seen, I told you to remind me of the second Instagram post. Have you seen the post going around of the lawyer objecting with the judge? He calls her honey? It's one of the greatest things.

So it's like, objecting. and then she starts to counter his objection. Like, well, I don't understand. Like, no, I'm not going to overrule this. And he's like, no, no, but you understand. He's like, honey, I but and it's like, and it stops. And he's like, and he is so sincere. And he's like, and so overwhelmed with what had just come out of his mouth. He's embarrassed.

He's like, I, your honor, I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from. And it's like, I know exactly. Everyone knows where it came from. That's why it's going viral. And you get locked in that tone. It's kind of like you have to watch. And I'm sure a lot of people can relate.

You have to watch when you're with a new someone, and you've been with someone before that a lot, like, let's say God forbid, or whatever you start or let's say you have a sweet little side piece, Greg, and you start things to get tense, you're gonna be like, Aaron, I like it's just going to come out. Yeah, I am. I called Ellen DeGeneres mom once, or ma, I called her ma. And by the way, my days of shitting on Ellen are officially over.

I just saw somebody shitting on an ex-boss in an interview, and I just thought, what a bad look, you know? Because number one, either A either a you're you're, you know, a jellyfish, self loathing zero who puts up with being mistreated. Or, you know, and who lets himself stay in a position you shouldn't be in. Or you're just like a jealous, nasty person. And it's like, you know, look, I think about how I got a lot out of that show. I made I made good money. I was getting paid as a writer and a warm up guy at the same time. The hours were actually for a daily TV show were not that bad. This is where I have to come in. It sounds like you're in a cult and I have to break you out and deprogram you.

They also fired you for basically going to one of your mom's funerals, a woman who meant so much to you in your life. Right. That was crazy. That was insane. And what I like to point out is it's not Ellen alone. And in fact, in many, in many circumstances, it was the terrified EPs around her. They were terrified of her.

And so now it's a culture of fear from there on down. Yeah, but I'm not going to make fun of her anymore. I'm done. You can just keep on going. I'm not going to answer. Well, here's the thing. Pick any target of mine or anybody's, but of mine, say Bernie Taupin, right? You think I'm going to spend that much energy on Bernie Taupin if he's not that successful? That's's the problem. Or like where I can't, like I'm just perplexed and won't let go of how say unfunny Whoopi Goldberg is. It's just that she gets the Mark Twain award for humor and she's considered one of the funniest people ever.

And Andy Kindler had my favorite bit where he's like, I will give $20 to anyone right now who can say one funny thing she's ever said. He would do that at his standup act. It was amazing. So the thing is with Ellen, it's very similar. It's she's in these lofty realms of one of the nicest people on planet Earth.

So what happens is you feel obligated to sort of bring that down to where it should be. I love my favorite kindler. I have so many favorite kindler jokes, but one of them is Jim Belushi, who died and made that guy famous. That's great. So yeah, find this thing on Instagram

of the guy who accidentally calls to Judge Honey and does not recover. Then he apologizes profusely. He's like, it's okay, continue. And he's like, right, yes, again, sorry. Okay, so the measurements that were you, Your Honor, I'm sorry, I'm just still so thrown. And she's like, honestly, I am too, but if there's any way we can continue, it was not good.

And meanwhile, she had just said to him him you only have a minute and 40 seconds left So continue and you can see the guy he's defending sitting there going like what the fuck is happening right now I mean does his wife at home only give him a minute 40 He was triggered oh my god, did you see Marjorie Taylor Greene with the gavel yesterday? Oh, no. She started speaking. She's supposed to be, you know, overseeing the discussion or whatever you call the process. And she started speaking and the, you know, you're allotted your time.

And so there was a congressman who said, you're allotted your time. And so there was a congressman who said, you're not allowed to talk, this isn't your time to talk. And Marjorie kept talking, and a bunch of people were calling for order. And so she just started hitting the gavel, and she wouldn't stop. She just kept like a child with a little big toy hammer just hitting it it was crazy. It's unbelievable. Anyway we want to thank Sean Johnson for now do you notice anything about this week's um let me take oh let me take a look before we move on might you be going to Penn Mar I know today yeah we're going to Penn Mar Dickie's birthday yeah we're gonna be there soon oh all right so right. So hey, you know, his, his wife sent a secret email out to us like and just basically says because he's very similar to me in this way that he he hates any attention on his birthday, and hates that it's even

discussed or that people know about it. So she thought that would be really fun if we all knew about it. Maybe we'd meet. So what do I do? This morning, wake up, text Tom Brady, and go listen, just for what it's worth. It's kind of goofy that I'm texting you, but it's Dicky's birthday, and he hates attention on his birthday. So I just put him out there if you want to wish him like an embarrassing happy birthday.

And he's like, thank you so much for letting me know. And then Brady, and I haven't even spoken to Dicky about it yet, but Tom Brady called his hero, called, texted him and wished him happy birthday. No shit. Yeah. And that's where I'm at in my ambition is Tom Brady will take any, like we are good and he is just wants to make shows and take over the world, whether it's in sports or production.

And the one communication, I'm like, hey, embarrass our friend, Dicky, by wishing him a happy birthday. And then he gets right back to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, take time out for a guy that can't help your career. Actually, Dicky can. Dicky's a guy that can make,

he writes for a famous comedian, we won't say who, but has made that person way funnier. The person's already funny, but he just- He makes Tom Brady way funnier. I mean, Brady knows him. This isn't a random thing. He actually, that's why he thanked me. Anyway-

Brady loves Diggy. All right, so what is this logo? What do you see in this logo by Shawn Johnson? I hate it. I have a I have a I'm repulsed by it. Isn't it Gilmore Girls? I don't know if it's Gilmore Girls, but that face your face. It looks like your daughter Sophie. Oh my god. Look at that. So you're calling me beautiful. What? So you're calling me and look at you.

We both look beautiful. We've never looked this good. What is it? Your teeth? Yeah, they fixed the gap in my teeth, which they shouldn't have done. No, but it's also. Yeah. So who landed really nicely? I always thought I'd be a good looking chick. I would have been a better looking woman than a man. That's interesting. I do. Yeah, but this person did a lot of

work. We've had a lot of work done is what we had a lot of work done. I have no look at our complexions. I kill for skin like that. I know this is this is like, I'm going to show this to the wife and see if she'll throw a move on me tonight. That's fascinating comment I have to say. I'm gonna show mine to me and see if I throw a move on me tonight. Ah that's... It's just a masturbation joke. It's much much less layered than yours. The music this week, Ray Maslanka who's done

some great stuff before came through again some fast power chords it's just me yelling but it's it's really great thank you so much send it to me so Ray I I will appreciate it when he shares it with me I haven haven't heard it yet. Yeah, he can't even get his computer to turn on. Speaking of Ray, it made me think of Ray Lyota and I saw a clip of Scorsese talking about, or the writer of Good Fellas, who I don't remember who wrote Good Fellas, but he's recounting, writing the scene of Robert De Niro sitting in the bar. And he's looking down the bar. Oh, somebody isn't it to

the sun isn't it cream or something cream. And the writer goes, alright, he goes, I know Bobby can do this look. So just he just wrote right cream in the script. And the guy's like, What are you talking about? And squares days like just cream, right cream right at the beginning in the script. And the guy was like, what are you talking about? And the script says, just cream, write cream right at the beginning of this song. And he goes, and so he synced the guitar from that cream, so he said,

getting the, don't, don't, don't, don't, no, no. And he's got it synced to De Niro's eye movements. It's fucking sick when you see it laid out. That movie, man, it's unbelievable. I watched I probably watched that movie more than any other. Now, Scarface, number one, I've seen the most. And then Goodfellas, number two. Oh, that should be reversed for sure.

I'm not I'm not shitting on Scarface, but Goodfellas is so layered. No, it's just Scarface, when we were like 12 years old, there was a video store on the corner and it was two cassette tapes, two VHS tapes because it was so long. Do you see balloons coming out? Yes, it's because you just gestured on your child's laptop and it read your gesture. Give me a thumbs up. Oh my god.

Hilarious. I mean, mine doesn't do it, right? No. See, I'm an adult. Well, do the Nazi salute. See what comes out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So anyway, so we would rent it every Friday night. It was a ritual for like a year. We rented Scarface. We just sat there and recited every line together and drank beer. In more than one In more than one Cadillac Esplanade or whatever, when the new thing was it had screens in the car, right? It was supposedly for the family. But these like hard guys would drive all over

LA and blacked out windows and all this. More than once, I saw Scarface playing in a giant Cadillac SUV, like driving around town. But wait, wait, regarding Goodfellas, one last thing. My algorithm, see we do learn things, my algorithm coughed up that Pesci was responsible for that scene with the, what am I, a clown? And because he had seen that with good fellas real good fellas Where that happened once and I forget where he saw it

but it was at like some club because you know Pesci was in bands and stuff like that and And then Scorsese he pitched it to Scorsese like what if we do that? And he's like, I love it. Don't tell Ray. Don't give Ray any lines. Right, right. And so Ray being lost when you see him intensely trying to read Pesci. Part of it was like, did I not get this page? Like what, what? And he was so in the moment. And yeah, and they thought that was the best scene in the movie. There was a lot of best scenes in that movie. Yeah, no, no, I know, but after they shot it,

they're like, oh my God, this movie is worth it just for that. I mean, him driving in the car with the helicopter overhead and they're playing the stones, I'm a monkey, that was insane. You can hear the rotors of the helicopter over the song and he's looking up through the windshield as he's driving. And it's been it's replicates the attempts to replicate it. Like I guess there's a episode of the bear which I still have

to see in season two. That's that wall to wall it doesn't let up and then the right the gems of what was the diamond right gemstones no no is the Adam Sandler movie yeah the Adam Sandler movie yeah about the diamonds they tried that for the whole movie I think yeah the bear the bear didn't get it they didn't understand pacing you can't you can't be an overdrive the entire fucking episode I it was you got to let people breathe it's too much all right all right so anyway corrections we got a Daniela I think is correcting our correction of her correction. Oh so she said technically you still believe there were more podcasts before Adam so I had to look it up quote technically radio open source by Christopher Lydon was the

first podcast when it launched in 2003 though the term podcast wasn't coined yet the word podcast was introduced coined yet. The word podcast was introduced by Guardian columnist Ben Hammersley in February 2004, when he was writing about the emerging audio blogging phenomenon. The concept was then pioneered and popularized by Adam Curry. Okay. Lovely. Who is Adam Curry? Why is he an empty VJ or something? So you know Mark Goodman, Martha. Stewart. Martha Quinn.

Martha Quinn. Who's the raspy little blonde rocker? Oh, Kennedy? No. Martha. Martha Quinn. No, anyway. So Adam Curry is one of the original ones.

And you know who he looks like? This is the best way to describe him. He looks like Bobby on Taxi, you know, the actor with the blonde hair, the big wavy blonde hair. That's exactly what Adam Curry is. Can you imagine how much pussy and cock the original VJs on MTV got right I mean that was when that including

by the way our good friend Paulie sure oh my god a dog a dog yeah all right let's get some tour dates going I I'm going to be coming to Austin at the Mothership July 4th through the 6th. Pottstown, PA at Soul Joles on July 31st. My anniversary, my wife is really excited. Point Pleasant, New Jersey at Uncle Vinny's on August 1st and 2nd. La Jolla Improv, no, La Jolla Comedy Store, August 29th through 31. Then I'm coming to Denver, Connecticut, Vegas, Chicago, New Orleans, San Francisco. Go to FitzDogg.com, get some tickets, check it out. Yeah.

Hey, before we go to the front page, guess how old Kurt Loder is, speaking of the original sort of MTV cast? Sixty-six. the 66 six no No. Kurt Loder is 80 years old. Oh my god. Cinco de Mayo, 1945. Shit. Before it was Cinco de Mayo, I think. Yeah. According to white people. All right, front page. Here we go. All right, Gregory. All right, Tesla's Robo-Tax taxi rollout in Austin might not be off to a sterling start. And we're not talking about the safety concerns raised by city officials. It launched over

the weekend only to a select group of riders. The price? A fixed $4.20. Oh. Get it? Yeah, I know why. 420. Yeah. Because Tesla is Elon Musk and 420 is Hitler's birthday. Ah, that's why it's a direct.

Just days after the launch, videos surfaced online that appear to show the autonomous vehicles making troubling driving decisions. About seven minutes into this video, for instance, a robo taxi briefly drives on the wrong side of the road towards oncoming traffic for about 21 minutes. It seemingly runs over a curb at the destination. Another video posted appeared to show a robotaxi braking hard for parked police vehicles off to the side of the road.

Yet another showed a robotaxi speeding by a significant margin. It sounds like Elon is driving and he's on that ketamine stuff. Ah, could be. It also, you know, you would say it sounds like a woman driver. This sounds like a woman programmer. I think that's what it is. I'm not going to get in one of these cars that's programmed by a woman. Well you didn't say Asian so you get points for that. Yeah Asians they would never go in the other lane as I've always maintained

they're abnormally cautious and it throws off my flow at least on the road. Do you know what I do when I see Waymo's, which are not these RoboTaxes, it's a different company, it's that somehow got to the market before Elon Musk did, I get in front of them and I slow down to a stop in the middle of the road. And it's especially funny when there's passengers in the back, because they can't honk, they can't do anything, and then the car,

and then it'll eventually try to drive around me but I'll block it again. And just just to show it who's boss. I if I see one of those delivery carts and I haven't gotten close enough to one yet I will kick it over. They're watching you through that. And what are they going to do? I think they're going to throw a burrito at you or whatever they got in the storage there. Good, I'll eat it. All right. We got to fight the robots, Mike. Well, I think these 420s, they're all weed based. I think all they can do is drive through drive throughs.

All they're doing is hitting Taco Bell over and over and over again because of their passengers who are paying 420. And then they then they park outside their ex girlfriend's house and just sit there. And they play that and they play the Smiths through the radio the entire time they're waiting. Meanwhile, this is the Waymo or whatever these Robo taxis are. And once they get to Texas, I mean, they're just clocking everywhere like, he's armed, he's armed, he's armed.

Like, just don't try to, don't go fast off the red light next to this truck. He's armed. Well, it's 420 I guess because the cars are driving high and then the other line of cars they have they charge a dollar forty but that's because the cars drive like their blood alcohol content is 1.4. You want and they do cut you off. It's worth the 420. All right let's get down to your story. Nearly one in four Americans want a break from physical intimacy survey fines. Yeah, I got news for you.

I'm way ahead of you. In a nutshell, 24 percent of Americans want a break from sexual activity, and half have already taken extended breaks, averaging six months. 30 percent believe romance is dead, while 69%, funny number, of single Americans are content being single and not actively looking for relationships. Americans see intimacy as only 37% about sex and 57% about emotional understanding with most expressing intimacy through non-sexual

ways. I am noticing 37 and 57 don't add up to 100, but whatever. Was this survey taken at a furry convention or an Al-Anon camp? Was this outside a Marc Mark Marin show in Seattle. I I mean isn't this really I mean we're getting more and more isolated. I mean, it's a all the what is the whole group of guys in cells. Yeah, the in cell community whether whether they

want to or not many men are joining it just by definition. And I think it's a nice way to be like, yeah, I'm choosing. I want to break. You know what? Count me in the 24%. I want a break from intimacy. Well I think, yeah, and I think those guys are just, they're taking a break while they

wait for the sex robot Melania to get here from China. Fucking tariffs are killing. You know how few weddings there are in the 20 to 30 generation 20 to 30 year old generation compared to when we were in that age demo? Dude, I have not I get invited to a wedding this summer. I think it's the first wedding I've been invited to in three years. Well, that is, we're of that age for sure.

But yes, and it is, and you know, they say, you know, for a while they toggled between would the end of humanity be AI? And they say, no, it's gonna be depopulation or whatever the correct word is. Wait, so you're ready for a break from physical intimacy? No, no, I'm not gonna stop. I can't keep my hands off myself.

I mean, look at me. I think that is literally the cause of most physical lack of intimacy is I think I think masturbation and sex addiction with the advent of accessible porn is way higher than it used to be. Oh, you think? But dude, back when I was doing spade Show, the thing I wrote and a bunch of us wrote it but that he latched onto the most was, keep in mind this was, I mean, I think it was 2007 or something. So the porn thing online, I mean, I think it was still like you were waiting, like it

was buffering Palooza, you know what I mean? Like it was slow. But he was like, or even then he wasza, you know what I mean? Like, it was slow. But he was like, or even then, he was like, are you kidding me? He goes, if little Davey had a machine that had all the world's porn in it, mom's gonna have to slide pizzas under my door. You wouldn't, he goes, I wouldn't be here right now.

I'll tell you that, I wouldn't have a career. And he was deadly serious. Any joke we did on it he loved because he so identified with that. No, between pornography being this available and weed being this available, there's a failure to launch of this next generation. They're just like, what I can get high and jerk off anywhere? Like, what's the goal if I sacrifice and push myself through uncomfortable places? I mean, I'm here. I'm in heaven right now. And this is the meat being thrown to the dogs. You know, it's like if you're a government,

you don't think you want weed readily available for the country right now, and porn, and whatever distractions you could serve them up, of course. Yeah. You think we'd stand for this shit? Both sides. We're all frustrated with what's going on in this country. Yeah. Now, it's amazing when I hear the vitriol

from the other side, again some of these emails I get are a little rough. I listen because I want to gauge the intensity of it and say well I think this person is getting some bad information and then I go well I'm so angry I must be getting fed some bad information also you you know, or at least it's being presented to me in a way that makes me really hate the way things are being done on the other side.

And so, I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. We're all in bubbles and our algorithms know that if they want us to pay attention to their content and sell their ads, they need to make us angry because that's what works. This is what I told Sophie when she was at Michigan and she because Michigan had its fair share of especially rich kids who were right leaning. I go every conversation everywhere as you can see, gets steered to, whether a liar,

what about his son, and what about Trump is a rapist. It's like, just try to always swing it back to, here are my issues. By the way, it could be three or four. Here are my issues of what's really important to me, and then determine which side comes closest. But just always try to bring it back to the issues, which are gonna outlive whoever's in office now, and don't make it personal

about who's steering the ship right now, but where do you want your ship to go? Right. Supreme Court, here's what the Supreme Court wants. Okay. There's a new religious rights case in front of the court. On Monday, they decided to weigh in on claims for damages brought by a devout Rastafarian. Doesn't that sound like an oxymoron? But it's really not. Devout sounds strict, you know,

whose dreadlocks were cut by Louisiana prison officials against his wishes. At the time of the incident, 2020, Damon Landor had kept a religious vow not to cut his hair for almost 20 years. Think of the fucking money he saved at Fantastic Sam's. Landor had served all but three weeks of his five-month sentence. So he was three weeks away from the end of his five-month sentence for a drug-related conviction when he was transferred to this other place he was holding a copy of a court ruling that made it clear that practicing Rastafarians should be given a religious accommodation allowing them to keep

their dreadlocks but a prison officer dismissed his concerns and Landor was handcuffed to a chair while two officers shaved his head. So I guess we're encouraging skinheads in prison now? Upon his release Landor filed a lawsuit raising various claims including the one at issue at the Supreme Court which he brought under a federal law called the Religious Land Use and Institutionalized Persons Act. Oh, man. When he was released, he got into one of those 420 cars, I can guarantee you that. Yeah, he was driving it.

I think I don't know, though. He also has a religious right to weed. I'm sure they weren't giving him weed in prison. What are you that guy now? Yes I think he should cut his hair the dirt bag. What? Well I think I think the sheriff's really had it in for the guy. You know why? Whoa sorry why why Greg? Well because he shot the sheriff. Oh no he did. Yeah but he didn't shoot the deputy. Oh, OK. Yeah, that's probably why we had such a light sentence. I think the deputy is the guy who took off his dreadlocks because he was

upset about his boss getting shot. Now, with no dreadlocks, how would he feel? He'd feel like this. No dreadlocks, no cry. There you go. Maybe they didn't want him to escape you know let it let them tying them off and scaling down the side of the prison by his hair the golden locks Rapunzel Rapunzel ing it out of there yeah but that would be probably tough because it's kind of greasy and you'd slip and also the smell would be... It would be... yeah I don't know if it's greasy they always look kind of dry.

It looks dry yeah. But maybe that's just the outer layer. I'd be the worst raw stuff for a million reasons but if I don't shampoo my hair like in a week like it's not a good scene. And it's not, mine gets dry, yeah, that's a weird thing. Mine gets dry, so does my scalp. It's the opposite, it doesn't get greasy. Influencer and signer, Anna Barbera Burr-Baldrini,

died at the age of 31 after undergoing plastic surgery with a surgeon she was partying with hours prior. Her husband, Elgar Miles, confirmed to a Brazilian news outlet. Bildrinian Miles traveled from Mozambique to Istanbul last Friday for her planned breast augmentation, liposuction, and nose job. She must have been hard on the eyes,

which she got in return for promoting Tusa Hospital on her social media accounts. She got to never get free tits, ass, and nose. That's just the rule I always live by. The couple who wed last month inquired with the surgeon about changing the date of the operation to give Baldrini an extra day to recover. The surgeon decided to move it to Sunday due to scheduling issues despite the fact that he had been partying with the couple hours prior. So I think apparently he was so hungover he did a liposuction on her breasts and then put the fake tits on the bridge of her nose and she looked like a turkey.

Did she die from infection? Doesn't say. You're already going to Turkey and you need it all to be free? By the way, the flights to Turkey probably rank as the ugliest, can you hear that drilling, the ugliest, oh, here's workers, right? Can you hear that drilling? The ugliest flights on planet Earth. I mean, all the guys coming back with the hair surgery. They're all wearing like bloody skull caps. Yeah, the women all have black eyes from the nose.

Yeah. And that's just from the guys feeling horrible about themselves and they need an outlet. Except there's more seat room because the liposuction on everybody's ass. Right, true. I like that. So, let's skip this next one, it's kind of dark.

I originally had a run of three different stories with social influencers dying. No, I know,. I originally had a run of three different stories with social influencers dying. No, I know. And I don't know if you saw that I put the physical intimacy survey in between to lighten it up a little. Yeah, yeah. So let's take that. I was just doing this one because Dickie Egan said it would be funny to say, and now for our new segment, good news. say. And now for our new segment, good news. Yeah. Ethical question. Let's get a crinkle. Oh, here it is. It's your turn to give me one, right? All right, we're gonna do two speed rounds. We're not gonna... All right, I'm gonna focus. I'm focusing. I got my focus hat on. Here we go. Okay. You work with a woman. And I'm out. Is that how fast is the speed round? Because I'm just going

to be honest with all my responses. You work with this woman and you start dating and you're her boss. And first of all, I like this arrangement already. And she says to you, you've been wanting to have anal sex.. And she says to you, you've been wanting to have anal sex, and then she says to you one night, if you give me a raise, you can have anal sex with me. I think this is a Greg Fitzsimmons question. If I had a job, maybe.

No, I mean, I don't think this was in the New York Times. Oh yeah, you know, I just made this up. Oh, right, okay. So. So you're dating her, it's a free relationship. You're not asking her for anything. She is offering up her anus for an extra $5 an hour. All right.

Is it limited to her,? Can I give everyone raises? You got a shower in between each raise. If I'm paying for anal sex, that kind of takes it out of the personal relationship, I think. Yeah. Like nothing else. I'm just paying, you you know I just get what I pay for so with her co-workers I think you should take the five dollars an hour and shave it off the week so if she works 40 hours that's $200 and then after you fuck her in the ass you just throw $200 cash at her yeah I'm gonna have to cut some of her hours so the anal doesn't go into overtime. That's for sure. All right. No, I don't think I could do that. And the funny thing is, my gut reaction when I try to think seriously about it was I couldn't do that to the other employees.

That's literally what I thought. Like it's unfair to the other. Second one. A stray dog walks up to your house. It's a little skittish. How much for anal? Seems hungry. Okay. You take him inside and feed the dog, you notice that the dog is not spayed, no it's a she, not spayed or

whatever so that it's having a period all over the apartment. Oh. It doesn't have a chip, it doesn't have a collar, and it's hungry, and you take it in, you feed it, you walk it, you clean it, it starts sleeping in the bed with you, you bond. And then you notice on Facebook, somebody missing that dog, right? So you go back and you look at their Facebook feed, and you see that this person has posted in the past, that their mother has been beating the dog. Oh, their mother has been beating the dog. Oh.

They are looking to have the dog returned. What do you do? Are they in my, you know, this sounds vaguely familiar. I will tell you that I don't know the details of this. When this was, I forget where I saw it, but I kinda checked out. So I honestly don't know this story based on what I'm telling you. Okay, yes, what I'm telling you. All right. Number one, the dog can't go back to that house. That's number one. Yeah. I mean, is there

a I mean, I think right, I mean, I've heard everything you're saying. But the thing is, the only thing I need to listen to is where's the dog going to get hurt? Right, right. Yeah. Now how how have I seen this on my Facebook? Like a notice for the neighbor like a local notice or this happened to a friend of ours? Right? No, I know. But where did I'm trying to? Right? Where did they? How did they see it on Facebook? Oh, I don't know oh I don't know I don't know just pretend you didn't well they engaged because they were trying to do the right thing no and I know that but I think you where did most people land on on this story that we know mixed people were very mixed

because I really did check out of the The texts were coming nonstop. I blocked, I silenced the group and the whole thing. Well, I mean, the woman when he reached out, the woman said that the dog was very close to her child and it was like an emotional support dog for their home and that they don't live with the mother. I guess the mother maybe has some exposure to the dog. Maybe they bring the dog over there or whatever. How was it on Facebook that the dog was being? Why would someone probably like one of those next door apps? Oh,

whatever. You can't put the dog back in the house where I'm not. Is the old woman like old school? Like she just hits it in discipline or? I don't know. So how did the story work out? How did my story work out? Did I wind up with the dog? Because I don't know what happened.

The dog is in possession of our friend at the oh and me I'm taking the dog for the month of July well while this person's away I heard it's a great dog and I'm gonna beat the shit out of it well keep it going whatever got it to be a great dog it's comforting to her all right let's get to entertainment. I literally thought you said it's comforting to hurt it. We got entertainment. All right, we finished the rehearsal. Did we talk about the end of the rehearsal yet? We did. It's so crazy. Okay, maybe we did. But we talked

about it. Yeah, what did we because I said it was a little underwhelming. I had heard that it was like, oh my God, the end. But the end, I don't know if we discussed the details. The end is just that he's really doing all of that. It's crazy. Well, what's crazy is that this guy who, I just can't, I don't know how many hours Nathan Fielder has in his day,

because like he's going through this case and he is researching ad nauseam like a lawyer while going to flight school, while producing a TV show, while hosting a TV show, it's insane. I don't know if he has kids, but also do you know how you and I can't imagine how long a day is when you have amazing focus? Right. When you have amazing focus,

there is a lot of hours in a day. Well, he's clearly on the spectrum, which comes up in the show. Yes. And I think when you're on the spectrum, you can get OCD-ish, you can get hyper focused on things and just push through them. And your emotional worlds, I don't know this, but I'm assuming that somebody who has that on the spectrum, I think their emotions are pushed down a little, so that

I get affected much too easily. I react to emotional things all day and it takes me off focus a lot. No you're also overthinking like I am and worried about what people will think of you. All right if I make this call towards my goal how will that go? They just make the call. Yeah. And they don't care what anyone generally speaking they don't they put a lot less focus on what other people how they're gonna react and what they're gonna say and whatever what they think about you. I mean look at Elon I mean that guy doesn't give a fuck what anybody thinks about him and look how successful he's the richest man in the world. Speaking of rich men Will Smith might not have gotten the reaction he was hoping for

amid the release of his new song, Pretty Girls. Have you had a moment to see his video for his new single, Pretty Girls? No, but I saw someone, of course, on Instagram pop up on my feed like, is Will Smith just pretending we all forgot what he did? And I'm, that's exactly my thought. Is he pretending that we don't remember what a bad rapper he was in his 20s? Like, you don't come back.

It's not a comeback if you weren't there in the first place. Here's the lyrics. His rap songs were like. It's like saying, I don't know. It's like the Disney version of like rap. It's like, here's the safest. It's a McDonald's commercial.

Yeah, I was going to say, and it's not a good example, like a small world after all, which is actually a very catchy tune. But it's like saying that's in the American songbook next to, you know, things that Ella Fitzgerald has done. Like it's like, no, it's not. That's a Disney version, and it's sugary and sweet and catchy. But no. Here's some of the lyrics. And the best part is, he shoots this video on the streets of London, like some of it's shot in the streets of London in front of a crowd. He's rapping, nobody is reacting or dancing

or even bobbing their heads. There's zero reaction. They're terrified he's gonna smack them in the face. Right, and here's some of the lyrics. It's a full house, better play your cards right. I'm a post your pic if you pose. Make one phone call, you in vogue. Head, shoulders, knees, toes, hold up, wait, pose.

I like BBLs. That stand for bad bitches link up. He thought that was gonna become viral. He thought that if he said BBLs and explained it, that all of a sudden people are gonna start using that phrase, nobody will. Nobody's gonna start saying BBLs. I can't.

Oh wait, keep going. Wait, did you get to the- Picture perfect, I swear you perfection. So he basically ended the first phrase with the word perfect and the second one with perfection. Yep. This is like, he should send him to Ellen John. That's what he should do.

It is amazing that a guy with his resources who could hire songwriters and producers. Oh, there were a lot of people who took a swipe at this. He probably he just probably has the worst instinct. You kidding me? Yeah, right. Anyway, enough on Will. What am I gonna Ellen DeGeneres, Will Smith? Do we care about Diddy? I don't think so. Well, here's the thing is they well, they arrested their case and without bringing a single witness or the defendant and that is in the headline I read is stealing a page out of Harvey Weinstein's defense. It's like, well, why would you do that?

Yeah. Don't think the defense of a guy who's in jail. I guess maybe he got off some of them, so to speak. Harvey Weinstein almost got out of jail. Right. I mean, it was fucking close. I think they got him now, but last month it was looking like he was gonna beat all the charges. I mean, ultimately, if you listen to Candace Owens,

which I don't, but I see clips, she defends the shit out of him. And she goes, Alright, so what did he do? What exactly is he convicted of? You know, jerking off in a plant or whatever, like, Oh, Harvey Weinstein. Yeah. Right. But I don't know. That's just what she said. I don't know the case. But I don't know. That's just what she said. I don't know the case. But I'm just saying that whatever they're, you know, you take the LA prosecutors with OJ Simpson

and you go, yeah, they can't prove shit. So no, it's yeah, yeah, exactly. Especially if you can afford such a great thing. But hey, what about our boy are forgetting his name our little Italian cutie Who killed the health care worker? That I saw something that they didn't have a they didn't go about searching his backpack Luigi yes by the rules Really? Yes, I Don't know what that means. I hope he walks and I hope he kills again. Oh Greg,

we're not waiting for Jeff. I want him to get Blue Shield this time. Get Blue Shield. Oh my, yeah well that's right. You're getting burned by the system right now. All right I'm gonna just Google Luigi as you move on, move on. Well we're going to Florida. So I'm going to do a warrant, Luigi warrant. You ready? Let's see what it let's be live. He seeks to dismiss the state murder charge. That was well, that's May, man. That's old. So I bet that died down. Okay, here we go. We are going to Florida. Let's make America, Florida. Florida man breaks into a stranger's home. Okay. Deputies in Florida's Davenport Polk County responded to a call on June 9 when a neighbor

noticed lights unexpectedly on in a rental property. When the officers arrived, they discovered Jocelyn Charles, who's 44, inside. Charles was found cooking and had just drawn a bath. He told deputies that he'd been using the home's water and electricity without permission. And when asked why, he said he stayed at the residence for four days to avoid a fight with his wife. I guess he's not worried about a fight

with the owner of the house. I think that he would sooner take that 10 out of 10 times. Yeah. I mean, the police must have just been like, all right, you already you already filled it. Why don't you take your bath? We'll wait out here. Well, we'll wait out here. You know what? You're very, very honest. Yeah. We are no longer looking at you as a threat. You seem to be very truthful. Why does she hate you? Yeah, you see? I mean, you

cleaned up the dishes, you put a towel down in front of the bath. I mean, we're gonna go arrest her. We're gonna get where does she live? You're cooking you take maybe that's what it is. She's like one of these aggro chicks who wants more of a man. This guy's cooking. He's taking baths. This is most women's like one of these agro chicks who wants more of a man. This guy's cooking, he's taking baths. This is most women's dream, a sensitive fella. Yeah, he doesn't want physical intimacy anymore. That's the problem. He's a provider. He could put a roof over your head, even if it belongs

to someone else. Are you kidding me? This guy's a keeper, ladies. He might be a little mentally ill when they said he had just drawn a bath. He did it with a crayon in the living room on the wall. Yeah, with his toes from a straight jacket. All right, here we go. We're going to make America Texas again. All right, Texas man.

This is not similar, but anyway, Texas man spiked his girlfriend's drink with plan C to terminate her pregnancy. So plan B, what is C if B doesn't work? Well, that's interesting. I didn't think about that. I just pasted it in there. But as you'll see in the story, it was not the next day. So maybe there's a plan C after the B window. So a woman, I'm guessing, a woman claims

she had been seeing this guy Banta and told him in September that she was pregnant with his child. The woman met Banta at a coffee shop where she believes the suspect secretly added abortion inducing pills that's the that's the C part there to her drink without her knowledge or permission. She reported that she lost her baby on October 19th which she believed was a result of the

drugs and Banta who works in information technology, get this, for the US Justice Department, how did he survive the firings? He also reset his cell phone during the probe, thereby deleting crucial evidence related to the case. He separated from his wife, and he had seen the woman four times. He and defense attorney denied that he spiked her drink. He's innocent of these charges, the lawyer said. He has cooperated with the

investigation since last fall when all of the brouhaha arose after his relationship ended with this woman. He is not guilty. There were discussions about her being pregnant, but that was never confirmed by her to him And yes, he did research plans see Curious he did research it, but he denied his client put the medication in the woman's drink Texas law bans nearly all abortions So abortion inducing pills cannot be obtained from doctors or pharmacists in Texas. So he met her, he researched Plan C, and he deleted everything from his phone.

This is not a good case, I don't think. No, it sounds like, I think, did she want to have this guy's child? I wouldn't say she lost the baby. I would say she avoided the baby. He has a government job. Maybe that's, you know, like, he has to know. I mean, you work in the Justice Department.

You don't know you can't delete, like, they can get those records back from your cell phone. Coincidentally, he got her pregnant six months ago when he roofied her. How about Plan A? A Plan A pill. That should be in the roofie. It's also a contraceptive pill. Think ahead. Plan A, are you saying it's like a cocktail of a roofie with a Plan B? Basically with a Plan B in it, which I call Plan A because you're doing it even before the sex. Oh, we're going to get arrested this week. Oh boy.

All right, let's go down to, let's cut to this day in history. You got it pal, here it comes. I didn't read this as closely as I do most weeks. No, really? Well no, now hold on. So here we go, uh oh, Luigi warrant, where's this day? Uh oh, did I post over, oh yes, I was looking up, oh I was looking up the the influencer who

you fuck all right here here this day in history here we go I remember some of them all right you ready uh all right see it's two of them right next to each other sadly it's it's Michael Jackson and Farrell Fawcett uh they died on this day in what year, give or take two years. Michael Jackson, yes, right. They happened right next to each other. Michael Jackson died in... I remember. I'm gonna go 2007. Oh I said what did I say you

were giving me six years I was not at all giving six years did I say a year or two no you said three years nothing I said to anyway it's 2009 I remember yeah and I've told this story but very very briefly, I was at Tosh point. Oh, first season, Daniel and I created it and we were not good. It was not looking good. And they're like, you got to get ratings this week or it doesn't look like there's going to be season two. And we were shooting a web redemption and we were going to air that night.

And we were the first show on common central to live tweets. So we were like trying to finish before we got all the anticipation. Here's our show where we have, and someone comes up to me like, Oh man, Michael Jackson died. I'm like, fuck. And the guy's like, Whoa, you really like Michael Jackson. I'm like, I don't give a shit about Michael Jackson, but everyone's going to be watching news tonight. Yeah. Oh, we got the word, but they excused it because no one watched shows that night. Any shows except the news tonight. Yeah. We got the word, but they excused it because no one watched shows that night, any shows except the news. Okay, Greg, I think, yeah,

I think you're gonna get this wrong. The first version of the rainbow flag, the LGBTQ Pride flag was flown during the San Francisco Gay Freedom Day Parade on this day in what year give or take eight years 1958 oh my god i think i influenced you 1978 yeah you did i wouldn't have gone that early no more inflections no more inflections be No more inflections. Be a journalist. You're not going to get this one. George Armstrong Custer made his last stand.

It's a famous last stand with the seventh cavalry at the Battle of Little Bighorn on this day in what year give or take 30 years? 1840. I love it. I love it. 1876. You know what I'm rulein'? After the Civil War? I thought that was before the Civil War.

That's the key, Greg. With all those guys, all the bad asses you hear about, they were cut loose after the Civil War and they would be hired to basically help the government conquer the West. The Pinkertons. Oh yeah? Yeah. No it's same with I think, what's it, Jesse James? Jesse James. Yeah, the James and his brother, all those

guys. Yeah, the James and his brother, all those guys. Yeah. Okay. Now there was one down here I really liked. Okay. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. It's also called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was first published in London and the book launched the hugely popular series about a boy wizard. What date in this book, which started it all, get published, give or take, what year? Give or take three years. 97. It's 97 on the tits.

No, it's not. It sure is. I was thinking about that I read it to my son when he was probably seven years old and the book had been around for a little while. So I worked back from that. That's pretty good. Yeah. All right. We got one more. And I knew it was, you know, I'm jumping around days here. It's basically this weekend in history. Oh, how about this? Joseph Smith, founder of the Mormon Church.

He was murdered by an armed mob in Carthage, Illinois. When was Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon Church, murdered, give or take 50 years? 1820. You got it. 1844. Nice. Kinda. I mean, really.

I saw a movie, it was a series based on this, and man, they got kicked out, they started on the East Coast, and they got pushed West, and they got run out of town after town until they finally ended up in Utah. Right, no, right. Did you just say it started in New York City?

I knew it was on the East Coast. Yeah. I think so. I think that's right. I thought it was Philly, but I'm one more reason for you not to like Mormons. I'm oh yeah, maybe it did. I would like that. Imagine having more than one Philly wife. Oh, good lord, oh my god. Oh my god. Okay, I landed on one to end it here. Here we go, we're not gonna do Treaty of Versailles.

We're gonna do, in a boxing match for the heavyweight title, Mike Tyson was disqualified after a twice bit of Andy of Ander Holyfield's ears. You know the fight. When was that fight? Give or take two years. All right. So Tyson is roughly my age. This was late in his career, so he was probably in his 30s. So I would

say this was in 2000. 1997. I did it. No, you did. You gave me three years. I gave you two years. Yeah, I would have given me three. Good Lord, all right, let's move on. Let's move on. You did not well, basically. I did very well today. Okay. All right, notice to the other.

I feel like I did the dishes and my wife is telling me I didn't do the dishes. What's this? I last, yesterday I did the dishes after breakfast. I unloaded the dishwasher. I put everything in the sink from the night before in the dishwasher. And then she came home at the end of the day. And she said that I hadn't done the dishes because she had made herself some lunch and there was a cutting board and stuff in the kitchen that she left in there.

that she left in there. And I was out all day. This is all I know. We, years ago, I got a little high over your house, which I'm the biggest lightweight, and I think you were having a barbecue and someone passed a joint around. And I think you might've been a little high too. We go in the kitchen and then I am,

all of a sudden I am distracted because I'm like, how long? I go, is it me? Because things seem I am distracted because I'm like, how long? I go, is it me? Because things seem really long sometimes when I'm stoned. Like I'll be at a urinal, I'm like, have I been here? Have like three waves of people already gone number two while I've still been peeing. So I'm like, no.

I think, and I remember then looking at the clock, I think you had on the wall, I'm like, how long is she cleaning these fucking plates before putting them in the dishwasher? And then I then just point to you, I get your attention, I pointed her, and then you start laughing. And then when she sees us, we were howling.

And then she agreed with us that it's hysterical. And I begged her not to clean them that much. It defeats the purpose of even environmentally with the water. And then she brought it up years later like, hey, Mike, our new dishwasher tells me not to do any what. Yeah. Leave the egg on there. Leave everything on because it senses if your dishes are dirty and it needs them to be dirty for them for it to do its job exactly but yeah she so that's probably

what it is like Greg you did not clean the dishes that you put in the dishwasher right might have been that letters to the editor here we go all right we got a letter from Trisha who says hey there there, Greg and Mike, just wanted to say I absolutely love the podcast as a 30 year old who grew up with an evangelical family and has now embraced a beautiful liberal liberal life in the Pacific Northwest. All right. You both feel like the father I always wished for. Oh, wait, I eagerly await your bitch 30. Yeah. I mean, I must have had you when I was

pretty young. I eagerly await your episodes every Sunday for a good laugh and some fun while I tidy up. Oh, no, that was from Audrey. Oh, thank God. I thought you were gonna say Arthur. And then Trisha says we got a lot of female listeners. Yeah, pass the following on to Mike. Women are picky about toilet seats because we can go into a bathroom and sit on the toilet without really looking at it. We don't even have to turn on the light.

So if someone leaves the seat up and we don't see that it's up, we end up sitting on the disgusting toilet rim and worse yet, we fall into the water. You all have to turn on a light so you can aim properly. We don't. I realize that an argument can be made that we can make sure the seat is down, but nothing makes us move our men more than when they put the seat back down, makes us love our men more than when they put the seat back down. I can't speak for all women, but in public bathrooms I always hover never sit Trisha I miss Audrey Trisha I miss Audrey you know what Audrey doesn't think it's that big a

chore to look at the goddamn toilet before you sit on it just look at it that's all you got to do Trisha yeah oh my god sorry we're making you look at it like we do. You know what? I get so happy when I'm in a hotel room and then I pee and I go to put it down and I go, no, I'm keeping that up all night. I'm gonna come in here for my 3AM pee and not even think about lifting a seat.

No, yeah, it's easy for me. I just pee right in the corner of the room. There you go. This toilet seat doesn't even come into play. Don't forget, folks, we had run out of inventory on the T-shirts and the mugs, but they're back in. If you go to fitzdog.com, scroll down to the merchandise, get the fifth

anniversary Sunday paper stuff. The cups are beautiful, the shirts. People come to my shows all the time wearing the shirts and don't forget if you buy that t-shirt and you come to one of my shows you get in free and then if you go to or you go to that club for any other show that year, you and a friend will get in free. And that includes drinks, free drinks. And not just that club, any club in the country, you show up with a Sunday Papers t-shirt.

And I'm talking about Nate Bregazzi at an arena orchestra, show the shirt, sit your ass down, enjoy the evening on us. This podcast was just played by some incredulous kid holding up his phone to a bouncer who does not give a shit what was just played. Alright, let's get to it. Time for the funnies. Are we doing with no obituary, right? No obituary.

Good, nobody died. A lot of people died in the Middle East but we're moving up. Okay. All right so last week as always we do the comedy caption contest spelled with K's and we have this week a caption it's one frame you look at it you write the punch line you send it into FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. You then write your joke with your name right under it. And then we pick the best ones. Not the best ones. Somebody really laid into me this week that I didn't pick his and that the ones we picked were bad and said that I should hire somebody else that I have no idea what I'm doing. So look, I'm not always right. It's subjective and we get a lot of these. We get hundreds of these. I can't always

pick them all. Right. But I do my best and then the the best one we choose and they get a koozie and we send that right to your house. So here we go. Last week's picture was a guy laying on a therapist's couch. He's got a pillow on his chest and stomach, which he has his arms around like he's holding it. The therapist sits on a chair with a notepad in his lap, and he looks to the side as if he's a little bit perplexed. Okay, first guy Michael says, when I'm done hugging your pillow can I sit in your lap? Not bad, I guess. Jim from Salem Mass

said I've had to pee for a while but with your rate doc I want the full hour. He doesn't seem stressed enough to be holding in a pee Peter or peter unless he misspelled it and your professional opinion if I beat off on all fours Exclusively is that a sign of autism? No, but it makes you gay Tom keel says doc I feel emotional detached due to the public's discrimination of the pigeon toad. He's pigeon toad in the picture. Oh yeah, they caught on to that.

All right. They latched on. You shouldn't have to look back at the picture to get the joke. It's not that pronounced. Right. I just feel so unappreciated. Even though I wrote the lyrics, Elton gets all the credit that's the winner right there that's from that's what he should look like

Yuri chateel Ron Dvorak said yes doc I am excited to start therapy and yes I am using a pillow to hide my erection all right it's a little high for that but okay rich Kennedy said why don't you just mind your own fucking business? He doesn't seem to have the expression for that in my opinion. Harold said I think I messed up I fucked my father and killed my mother. Well I mean it made me laugh I don't think you needed any details and the the pillow didn't come into play. Yep. And he seems a little nonplussed. I think that might be the right word for that. Okay. Alright, so it sounds like you have two finalists. One of them is the

Elton John and the other one is the final one. I'm gonna go, I like Harold, I think I messed up. I fucked my father and killed my mother it's a little heady for our audience all right sorry I'm texting about this ticky birthday thing uh you're gonna go with the killed my mother one yeah yeah they made me laugh congratulations Congratulations, Harold. What a name. What a name to go through life with. Harold and Maude. What other Haralds have there been?

I mean, there's an Oedipal clue where it's just he's doing a twist on the Oedipus complex. It's just a twist. And I think it matches. I think it matches his facial expression nicely. Okay, there we go. Have you ever met a Harold? I'm sure. Well, I have a picture and I've hung and partied with Harry Styles. Is he a Harold? Oh, I guess Harold is short. Harry is short for Harold, right? Yeah, I guess so. All right.

By the way, next week's caption. And I've worked with him, nicest guy ever, yeah? Next week's caption, it's Minnie Mouse, she's got a smoking gun in her hand, her arms are in the air, sweat beads are coming off of her, Mickey is face down dead with X's over his eyes, and there's a police officer witnessing the scene, they're inside a living room. What is your caption for this comic strip? Okie doke. All right, send it in to win. I got to admit to you, Mike, I I don't know if I told people this earlier, but my computer crashed. Did I already say this? Yes. But my computer crashed I already say this yes. Yeah, so I had all of the comics on my desktop The rest of the script is in a Google Docs side of your desktop. All right. Well, I put one in

Okay, let's just do yours and then we'll be go off and see our friend dickie for his birthday at the pen more it's a BC comic and two panels and It's a BC comic and two panels and it's these three, I don't know if you're supposed to know that yet, but these three little animals, little furry animals. And so one of them goes, so if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?

And the one they're talking to goes, no. Then you see this, they're in their home, they're in their little home thing and it goes, no. Then you see this, they're in their home, they're in their little home thing, and it goes, looks like we've got ourselves a rebel, Claude. And the sign over the little home says, loyal order of lemmings. That's good. It's cute. Yeah, I like that. I like it too. I left something out earlier, I'm gonna give it to you now. There was a story I clipped out because I don't give it to you now. There was a story I clipped out because I didn't want you to see it.

It's a story of Prince Charles is describing when his mother died, Prince, Queen, whatever her name, was it Elizabeth? Anyway, that bloated, that bloaty faced, beady eyed little colonist. So she died and he knew they called her they called him on the phone and they told they didn't tell him she died but they said two words and he knew from those two words that she was dead. What were those two words? I know

I'm trying I mean am I trying to get the real thing or a joke or both I think for a comedy podcast I'd go with something funny she gone she go you're rich yeah it wouldn't be checkmate. Checkmate. No, he's me. He is the king. Uh, I mean, is it. Queen is in danger. Queen danger. No, I imagine it's hail king or so. What is the real thing? Read it and just where? Oh, it won't let me in.

It won't. It won't let me any it won't it won't let me paste There it is read it oh You're oh so is this like a riddle no, it's a true story I kind of got it right with hell king like your majesty Yeah, when they when he said your majesty he knew because they don't usually call him your majesty He's like Carl you've've never said, wait a minute. Carl, do you want me to suck your dick? Meanwhile, it's like it's ringing. Do I have to start with your majesty? Seriously?

All right. Well, listen, we got through it with a you don't know the scrambling I went through for an hour to get on another computer and get the Google doc open and get the zoom with the premier account so you can record for longer than an hour. And this is recording to the cloud. So I'm really, I don't know on zoom when you record to the cloud who's cloud I'm on my daughter's computer. This could go to somebody else's cloud. Mike? Yeah, well get off of my cloud. Hey hey. As they say. All right, don't forget folks, I'm

coming to you on the Jersey Shore at the end of July and Pottstown PA. Get tickets, come on out. And we want to thank Midcoast Media for producing and editing and uploading and such. Mike, anything you want to promote? Yeah man, the merch right? It's flying off the shelves, get a shirt. Support us, get a shirt would be lovely. Yeah. Okay. Look at us, did we do an hour and over an hour 25 or what happened one hour and 30 minutes? I don't know. Yeah, I guess we did. Oh, no, I started the recording early. Yeah, 125. So we're gonna keep it tight. Yeah, got their money's worth. Yep. Alrighty kid. Take it each day. Whoosh. ["Sunday Members"] Read all about it.

Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday Members. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday, May 1st. Sunday, May 1st. Sunday, May 1st!