Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 278 8/31/25

Episode Date: August 31, 2025

Mike tours with Bargatze while Greg badmouths Ellen. Taylor and Kelce make promises they won’t keep, a man fakes his own death, and a FLA man catches a burglar while in his Batman onesie. Support our sponsor: https://rocketrx.com⁠ Use code: Papers30 Watch Greg’s latest special, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠“You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest” Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Find Mike on Venmo here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTime⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Make sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram:  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmons⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Mike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime ⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Sunday papers, Gregan, my Gregon, my Gregon, my Sunday papers, Gregan, my Gregan, my Sunday papers, My Greg and my Greg and my Greg and my Sunday. Read all about it. Read all about it. Two mid-level comedian. I'm not even. Oh, look at that. What?

Wait, I just got a text. Hold on. Just got a text from my friend who's at the Clippers. And he said, my friend got tickets for me and Sarah and David Spade tonight. and I saw that you were in another room. Bummer. Good excuse to say hello. Oh, okay.

I'm at the store tonight, and I guess Sarah Silverman and David Spade are in the other room, and the guy that I'm friends with, he's a coach for the Clippers. I thought he's inviting me and Sarah and Spade to a game, but he's coming to see us. Look at your life. This is not mid-level stuff.

I know. Look at that. Come on now. Speaking of mid-level, it finally happened. I have waited my whole career for this, but you know how when you get residuals on a project? Well, you do know this. It diminishes over time. Oh, yeah.

You get less and less and less. I did an episode as an actor on CSI back in, I don't even know that it says it on here. I think it was in the 20th century. It was in the 20th century. Oh, it was in 2011. It was 14 years ago. And I have been getting checks from CSA.

for 14 years, like regularly. And, you know, they get smaller and smaller, smaller. It has finally happened. Can you read the amount on this check? One cent. One cent on a 63 cent envelope from the actors' guilt. Yeah, my daughters can't get over how much the checks how little they are when they come.

hilarious well look at least we're getting them you know a lot of these new shows they're shooting them overseas they're using foreign people to write and direct and do everything and act and there's no residuals be grateful for a penny i'll take it that's a penny right there it's going to be a hop it's going to be a hop penny on the next check what do you got kid well oh you just did a podcast with veckione Mike Vecchio. Yeah. So he's on the road with Nate.

So I was just on a tour bus with Mike for three days. He told me he met you. He said he likes you very much. Look at that. Yeah. Yeah. Mike Vecione's like, he's one of Attell's really close friends in New York. And, you know, he's got a lot of talent.

He's been doing it for a long time. He's got a new special out that's excellent. He went clean. though i shouldn't say though but you know he Nate has produced his last two specials i think he directed them too but to be on Nate's YouTube channel you have to be clean and so Mike who used to be filthy is now squeaky clean yeah yeah because I only saw him on this clean tour it was also the tour was great Nate's great and um I we we did Baltimore we um we did Baltimore explain what you're doing on the tour so people

now. I think we had explained this. So I'm Nate's headwriter on the Emmys, which is coming up in like two and a half weeks. And so we're getting very little face time. He's never in L.A. His tour is so busy.

So he graciously invited me out to join. And so I joined in Baltimore. And then we rode the bus that night to Columbus, Ohio. And then we did, he did he did, he did two

shows in Columbus, Ohio, and then we flew out, and then I went to Toronto on the way home and saw Oasis, which I'll talk about it. So you spent your first night on a tour bus. What'd you think? In the bunk. Well, so in the morning, people ask me, like, how was it? How was your first? I'm like, well, and I wasn't trying to be funny, but I was like, I thought the road would have been straighter. And they're like, no, I know. Because like, we were really rocking back. There were a lot of turns. Yeah. And I thought like the, the curtain might, like, attach.

I think boats have that. Like, it could snap at least, so it'll give you some resistance from not, because I was in a top bunk. Yeah. I could have rolling right out on the floor. No, you think that they would have like a side rail, like a, like a child's bed, that you could pop up and down. Right.

No. No. Shocking. Yep. I thought there'd be liability for that. Anyway, it was really fun, and Mike was really funny. What about Greg Garcia? Oh, yeah, he was out there, and he killed.

He did stand up in Baltimore. It was great. Yeah. But, you know, pretty clean machine. Like I, keep in mind, I have full access to anywhere where you go. You're in the green room. You're everywhere. I had to go to the concession stand to buy a drink.

No way. You'd think there'd be 4,000 beers backstage and a bar or whatever. No. Nothing. Diet, Dr. Pepper. There was a lot of that. Yeah. The wildlife on the road, just how you pictured it.

Yeah. It was really funny. But then I got the, I was going to talk about this later, but after one show, I'm like, oh, I bet my app that I got in Tennessee works here in Ohio. And we picked a game because we were, again, not partying. We were just hanging out in the back commissary. And we picked a game. It was like, I feel like Norm McDonald's who always used to bet on Hawaii because they were still playing when he got out of SNL. So anyway, there was a late Hawaii game and they were down.

And Nate actually said to bet on it, we bet on it. And then the most exciting thing was they kept offering me cash outs. So it was a frenzy. This is on your betting? There's a betting app. Yeah, you'd think I bet $10,000 on this. Yeah. And I bet 50.

And yet all of us involved like everything was on the line. It was really funny. Did you win? Yes, one with an interception by Hawaii. And then they won it in overtime. Nice. It was incredible. Wow.

Sure. Life on the road. And then I'll talk about Toronto in a minute, but I need to ramp up to that. What do you got here? Uh, well, um, what do I got? I, uh, was a little bit in the cross hairs the last couple days. I, um, I don't know if you know, but I used to write for the Ellen DeGeneres show for a couple years. That C word? Oh, see, that's where I went wrong. Okay, so I spoke on the, uh, we might be drunk podcast, which is Mark Norman and Samarrell. And some guys like, you just know them well enough

that your guard comes down and you're chilling out and you're trying to top each other and you're laughing and Mark Norman has this knack for asking you anything like he's kind of famous for it like he will he will say and ask anything. Oh, zero filter. As a matter of fact, there's something else in the podcast and I never, I think I've done this twice in 15 years. I called and I said, hey, can you take out, can you take out that thing? I go, I hate asking, but and he goes, oh yeah, yeah. So they took out. the thing I thought was bad and left in the thing that apparently was worse, which was me bad-mouthing Ellen, and I told some stories about it. Did you read the articles? I did read. Well, no, I read the Post was the first article that then got quoted a lot.

Yes. So I read the Post. Yes, so it was in the New York Post. I think the C-Less, and she's in England. The C-word is a term of affection. It's all fun. Also, this is what I don't get. say um i can't believe it's picked up as much as it is because you're not saying anything new yeah and it's me i'm not it's not like john stamos coming out and saying something it's great fitzim and it got it was on fox news all day they kept showing the clips of me on the show all my cousins are texting me because they're all republicans they're like hey you're on our side now you came over you're on Fox News. Yeah.

And so, yeah, it was a little bit, it was a little scary because, like, you know, there is non-disclosure agreement issues, but at the same time, I kind of looked it up online and it said that if it's news that you're not breaking, then it's not non-disclosure. If it's information that's already out in the world. That's what I mean. Yeah. And also, I think there's got to be a time limit on, on this stuff. Well, it doesn't even matter if it's already out.

The non-disclosure is to prevent something from becoming public knowledge. Right. I mean, and so that's, it is very. And as a matter of fact, I've been asked numerous times to anonymously talk about her for books and things, and I never have. And I know a lot of people that have crazier stories in mind, which I did not tell on the podcast. So if anything, I thought I was being tame. Uh, because, you know, part of me feels like, what am I doing? What am I bitching about Alan? It was a long time ago. There was a lot of good things to it. And, uh, you know, you didn't even tell your worst stories that happened.

No, by no means. I know. So here's the, here's the thing. If they want to get involved, just it's way worse. It's way worse than anybody knows. How about that? Yeah. All right. We'll Leave it at that, because I don't want to keep this thing going. I took my daughter, my daughter got a turntable for her birthday last month. And, you know, which is kind of fun because I always say to my kids, I'm sure you say this to your daughters, listen to the album. It's not about kids today. Kids today. It's me with my fucking pork pie hat saying kids today.

But they listen to playlists and individual songs. And there's a reason why, you know, Abbey Road is the way it is. And there's a reason why, you know, Led Zeppelin 3 is the way it is. It's supposed to be listened to to get. So I was so psyched that she got a turntable. So this guy who's a listener sent me a DM a while ago, like a few months ago, before she even got the turntable saying, hey, I'm throwing this thing called Vinyl Khan. It's this huge record meet downtown.

And I'll send you some pad. Normally it's like 40 bucks to get in. he sent me four passes and I kind of left it on my desktop and I'm like all right if I'm in town I you know whatever I have I have a turntable I'm not that interested and then she got it I was like oh fuck so we made we made a plan together and we drove downtown and dude it was like an entire floor of an office building there were like hundreds of little booths of dudes with their some of them were like five dollar discount bins all the way up to I don't know if you know this like the white album is numbered like each copy there's a first printing of the white album this was

the one that was on the wall was the seventh edition of the white album it was selling for $70,000 jeez yes and so I looked it up on my phone I got I wonder what the number one printing is So it's owned by Ringo Star And the number one printing is $750,000 Yeah This is the thing With all these like billionaires

I'm like why wouldn't you just buy up the coolest stuff Right You make that interest in one day Yep I know and uh But anyway so we just went through And I bought her a ton of albums Like all the great

She said she wanted classic rock But I also got some folks I got some Joan Baez and some Bob Dylan in there and came home with that. She's been in a room just listening to Records the last few days. Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah. Oh, that's so cool. What's the Led Zeppelin 3?

You got to hear that note. Oh, so I forget why. Oh, so, you know, I listen to Zeppelin while I work out all the time. And then I realize I'm sitting at home and I was like, let me just listen to once in a while I like to just sit with headphones on and listen to an album beginning to 10. So I was like, I never listened to Led Zeppelin 3 because I always think of it as like the most mellow Led Zeppelin album. So I put it on and it's just like it might be, it's not my favor, but it's up there now.

It's fucking amazing. Oh, it is. And I was reading about it and like the whole, like everybody, nobody thinks to listen to, you listen to Led Zeppelin 4, physical graffiti. And it was like, they. were burnt out their first two albums had been huge hits they had toured the world they were the number one band in the world and they were completely burnt out so they went out to might have been scotland or somewhere northern england yeah and they were in a castle an 18th century

castle it had no electricity no running water and they fucking sat there for a month and just came up with music acoustically and like taped it on a handheld tapering recorder you know like they re-recorded it later but like just got the tracks down and uh and it's just it's some of the tracks are just so fucking beautiful oh it's a very acoustic album for them yeah big time but but listen man it starts off with immigrant song i know that's insane yeah yeah yeah it's great so um that i'm just shouting out lead zeppelin three and uh so In terms of, because people hate when we talk about music, but I'll just mention, so on the way home, because it was so cheap in Canada, it paid kind of for my flight. I went to the Oasis show in Toronto, and I had never been at Toronto.

So I look it up, and it came together pretty quickly, and I got a hotel, and I looked, so this place is going to be at the Rogers Center. And so, like, it's in downtown, it's great. I got a great hotel room, and there it is. Everything's worked out. Walking distance the whole thing. Just you by yourself. Just me by myself. So I then get into town and I'm walking and there's a Blue Jays game that afternoon.

And I'm like, how are they turning this around so fast? That's crazy. And I go, maybe it's just the stage at the end, like, or it's, I don't even know. I can't even imagine what it is. I'm like, what is going on? Long story short, I check. No, no, no. I'm in the Rogers Arena, not the Rogers Center.

And I'm like, Toronto, you motherfuckers, you don't have more than one guy to name shit after? It's like, do you know what confusion this could, like, I'm not, what are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. So from my hotel, the walk to the Rogers Center, which is, by the way, a big stadium where the Toronto Blue Jays play, but not where Oasis is playing. that was a like a 16 minute walk so now I put in Rogers Arena guess how long the walk is to Rogers Arena I want you just one guess 17 minutes

5 hours and 23 minutes a 5 hour and 23 minute walk to the other Rogers fucking no way dude you ready a car ride an hour because of traffic And the train to get there, two hours.

What? It gets worse. So now I am walking over to get on, I'm walking up to get weed. They sell weed there and whatever. It's, I'm in a foreign country. And then now I'm in the Indian neighborhood. So now I'm two layers of foreign. And I'm just, you know, I'm just like, just give me to that.

So Cage the Elephant, who I love. They're opening up for them, so I want to get there. Eventually, I bite the bullet. I jump in an Uber. So the Uber takes me up there and he goes, this is as close as I can get you. And I'm like, to that stadium that I can barely see because of the curvature of the earth, this is, I go, what are you talking about? And everyone's walking. And he's like, yeah, so this is a thing.

I'm like, yeah, it's a thing. What's the thing? And he goes, so this is like a made up venue that's very new and temporary. I'm like, what are you talking about? So this is an airport, and what they did is they've put bleachers out on the runway. I'm like, I go, what? It's an abandoned airport that is in the middle of, I don't even know if you can still call it Toronto. And there's just bleachers up there.

Dude, if you go on Reddit, the people that are furious, it was a two-mile walk from where, talk about time. What? So at one point, I'm literally looking. I hear cage the elephant, I can barely hear it coming across these fields. And so I grab, you know, those guys who have a bike taxi. So I grab a bike taxi. I'm like, how much? He's like, 30.

I'm like, I'll give you 20 American. He's like, done. Which, by the way, I probably lost money. So I get in. He bikes me. He goes, hardly. I was in the thing for three minutes. He goes, this is far as I can go.

I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, they don't let me go any further than this. I'm like, for $20, it was one cluster fuck. But the worst was after the show. After the show, 60,000 people are trying to walk to like rail. No Uber's can come within two miles. It was the biggest shit show in the world. And you flew from Ohio to Toronto for this show.

Yes. And it's like your airport's called, Pearson. How about fucking name it after Pearson? At least it won't be two stadiums named Pearson. One will be in airport. It's, who is this Roger? It's unbelievable. Wow. It's crazy. That's insane. No, and I could have told you about the traffic. I did a show in Toronto recently, and yeah, it was like it took me an hour and a half to get to the gig from downtown Toronto, and it took me 21 minutes to get home after the show. Insanity. Traffic's insane in Toronto.

The one thing they have down is that the train with Express right to downtown from the airport for like seven bucks. It's awesome. But other than that, a disaster. But I will say that everybody was complaining. So everybody was on the same wavelength in the crowd. And then Oasis came out and just killed it. And a big part of it is how good Liam is. And there's, dude, there is no one that I've seen.

I mean, there's Jagger. This guy's charisma, though. He has an animal. He's like an ape. He's a little bit primatey. And then he does that thing where he swaggers up, right? He's all like crotch and stomach. And he swaggers up.

His hands go behind his back. And he is projecting up. The microphones aim down. You know, he does that lean. Yeah. He does that lean where, and he's, and he's, and he's. sings like your drunk buddy in a in a bar because he kind of like screams and real cockney

and there's and he had the he's never not wearing a rain jacket and so and then he has um he had an insane hat on i'll find you a picture like he's just the most charismatic thing and all those years his brother he like it was because he was just blocking that and getting in his own way and I'm sure there were other issues too but one big thing was like why are you fucking throwing this away wait a minute just to back up for a second so just for people that don't understand you

you fly from Ohio to another country to see a concert did you have a ticket or you did your usual thing where you buy it five minutes before the show starts oh my god that's in the summer must have been sweating his ass off probably in other cities Not when you're out in the middle of a runway in the country, in Canada.

It was actually very, it was the perfect temperature. Did you buy a ticket like 10 minutes before the concert? Of course. And did you talk? I got it for less than 100 American on the floor. But I mean, the floor is gigantic. It's general admission. And then another 750 for Ubers and flights and hotels.

No, everything was pretty cheap. You know, they were angry about that. I'm like, I go, aren't you much stronger against our dollar, which is just because of all of our shenanigans? And our dollar has gotten so weak. And they're like, nope, with your tariff, she dragged us right down with you. So wait, were you talking to the people you were sitting next to at the concert? Standing. Yeah.

Oh, no. We were all talking all. I had a tight 10 minutes set on what the fuck is going on here. Yeah. And everyone was loving it And they were adding to it And it was a first for everybody in Toronto Because it's this new temporary place

Wow Yeah Nice Well that's Look, all you'll remember is the show You won't remember any of that other extraneous stuff I think the opposite might happen I might forget who I saw

But I will never forget what I went through Well listen It could have been worse If you look at this week's logo from Bob He's got us as ICE agents. And we're identifiable? We're not wearing masks?

No, we need masks. We're the brave ones. I mean, here's the one thing about ICE is they might be in danger of, you know, being assaulted, but they won't get COVID from each other. We got a great song from Jeff Snyder this week. We do need more songs. We've gotten a few. Need a bunch more.

Send them into Fitzdog. Radio at gmail.com. Jeff, Greg, has not sent me your song yet? I'll describe it. The week before, we had a song sent in, and a couple people pointed out that it might have been AI, because it was a little bit, the production value was so high, and it was like double vocal tracks and stuff like that. So anyway, I picked Jeff Snyders this week because it is absolutely not AI.

It's just Jeff and his... Haunting voice and his haunting guitar, and I hope you guys enjoyed it. It's kind of bringing us back to the basics of what the show is all about. All right, so I got to think it's haunting. That's what I got to go on. Okay. Corrections from last week, Bob Pedersen, who is anally retentive fan. He said he shot down six planes, not 100.

I was talking about Ted Williams when he fought in, I guess, Korea, right? did you oh yeah was that on this podcast he'd have to be Korea right Ted Williams was Korea yeah yeah oh maybe it wasn't on this podcast maybe was on a different one well I might have brought him up that he's my favorite baseball player he's the most he's the best baseball player in my opinion so maybe I don't know I talked about him recently I don't really go I don't really don't go two months without mentioning Ted Williams in some way when he went into the Air Force, he got tested to be a fighter pilot, and apparently he scored the highest eye-hand coordination, whatever, of anybody that had ever taken the test.

Whoa, really? Yeah, yeah. I'm not surprised. Okay, here's the stat. Ready? Not stats. Look at this. I mean, I don't think, oh, no, it was World War II.

It was World War II. Okay. Yeah, I guess we didn't shoot down a lot of fire planes in the Korean War, right? So sorry, I spaced out. Who did we lose to, what great athlete do we lose to lose some prime years to Korea? Sorry, here is, maybe read this out loud. Okay. Bad it.

So he batted 406. You ready? You ready? Let me read it. 1.441, he batted 406. 1942, he won the Triple Crown. 43, the war. 44, the war.

45, the war. 46, MVP. 47, the Triple Crown. Oh, my God. Come on. Oh, my God. Dude, if I came back from a war, I'd be fucking Tom Cruise. I'd be born in the Fourth of July guy.

I would just be shit-faced, trying to deal with it. I think we've told these stories, but he was such a funny guy. And then, like, so yeah, Carl Ustrimski, I think it was Yaz, wants to go fishing with him. And I think it was anyway. And, you know, he's a typical fisherman, Yaz is, like, and partying. And he goes down where Ted Williams has his boat. Ted's already on the boat. He walks up with a six-pack or a 12-pack, and Ted's like, what's that?

And he's like, what do you mean? It's fucking beer. He's like, that ain't coming on my boat. Like it was all business. Really? The fishing was all business. Yeah. That's hilarious.

Yeah, when I was on the man show and I played frozen Ted Williams because remember he had his head frozen after he died? So they wheeled me out on a gurney. And I was in a block of ice. My head was a block ice. And I just roasted Joe and Doug Stanhope for like five minutes. I think I got that totally wrong. I don't think Yaz.

Yes, is a different error. I'll get who he was fishing with. Yeah, maybe it was. We're slaughtering this. Other correction. Joe, John Doe said, way to stand behind your correction. Not even giving your real name, John Doe. He said, imagine if your name was John Doe?

What the fuck? Phonetically, Rosa felt the double. Sorry, it might have been Yaz. Sorry, it might have been Yaz, because Ted Williams was retired. Go ahead. I think I did get it right. Phonetically, Rosa felt, the double O is a long O, as in Dutch, not an a sound. Dutch is a long O.

Duch. Roosevelt is an old Dutch name. I don't know, John. Whatever. You're reading it. He's not forcing you to. Tour dates coming up tonight. La Jolla at the Comedy Store, August 31st.

Next week or two weeks, I will be at the Comedy Works in Dube. Denver, September 18 through 20, Connecticut at Comics, September 26, 27th. Then I'll be in Fairbanks, Alaska, Vegas, Chicago, San Francisco, Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey. Get tickets at fits dog.com. There you have it. Shows are all selling out, Mike. I love it. I got to move to arenas.

Because you're making news. You're a headline comic. That's right. Everybody wants to come out and see me talk about Ellen. Super Murdox headlines. Here we go. Front page. Taylor, Swift, and Travis Kelsey have gotten engaged to be married.

Do you think they're going to get married? I think they have to now. I don't think they will. Anyway, their pre-up could protect more than the couple's multimillion dollar empire. Swift and Kelsey have a combined estimated net worth of about only 1.67 billion. However, a pre- Can I just break that down for a second? She's worth 1.4.

Is that true? Yeah. All right. 1.3, maybe 1.3. Okay. Yeah, they don't need a pre-up. But they've earned all that money before. Who knows?

So the couple could use a pre-up to protect their privacy, not just their money should anything go south in their marriage. Quote, given that they are both public figures, a pre-knup can also ensure privacy in a divorce, such as precluding any disparaging social media posts or interviews, this guy said. Well, this is how I think the legal meeting went. I think the legal meeting went.

Travis goes, I have one question. Is she allowed to write a song or six albums about, me if this doesn't work out. Jake Gyllenhaal, she dated for less than three months. She made an entire album about him, including a 10-minute song. Yeah. I mean, Kelsey, your research, pal. You're not a relationship.

You're just research. Yeah. He got, by the way, he got on one knee when he proposed, but that was because the ring weighed so much. Yeah, what was the ring stats? It was, it was. Something like, it was worth $500,000. Yeah.

It was worth $550,000 diamond ring. And just to put their collective fortune in perspective, it's two and a half times higher than Victoria and David Beckham, but it's about one half of Beyonce and Jay-Z. Seems like the music business is where it's at. But $550,000. diamond ring sounds crazy right okay she makes that in double that in one concert right and they say that when you buy a wedding ring it should be one month salary okay if you take one month of her salary

it would be two hundred million dollars she made a she made two billion dollars last year so the ring should be about two hundred million dollars wow Still, this doesn't compare it to Kobe's cheating ring, which was $4 million. Was it really? Yeah. Damn. The joke at the time was, well, oh, yeah, I'll watch what I say. The joke of the time was $2 million ring if it's cheating.

Four million if it's grape. We're trying to get through the algorithm here. Oh, got it. Right, right. Grape allegations in Colorado? My friend, I don't know if I ever told you this story. He's a mutual friend of ours who got engaged back in New York years ago. And he was engaged to a pretty wealthy woman.

She came from a wealthy family. And he didn't come from money. And so they got engaged and he went out and he spent, I think it was $16,000 on a ring, which was crazy. He didn't have that kind of money. But I think he felt pressure. So he buys her this ring and then me and my wife go golfing with him and his fiancé up in the Bronx at Mashaloo Park. And so she takes off her ring while she's playing and she gives it to him and he puts it into his sunglasses case and he puts it in the bag. And then around the seventh hole, the sun went down.

So he took his glasses off and he put them into the glasses case. You see where this is going. And we then finished the round of golf, and she asked for the ring, and it obviously was gone. It had fallen out at some point on the seventh hole. I see where this is going. They're not married. That's exactly right. No, go ahead.

They split up three months later. Yes. Yeah. He had not insured the ring. I mean, I insured the ring. I heard that story. I insured it at the jewelry store before I left the jewelry store, which you can do. They set that up for you.

My wife lost the engagement ring. Oh, that's right. She was like putting on, like, moisturizer as she drove. A lot's going on there. And she called hysterical from Westwood. And I go pull over. And she goes, and she's like, I have. And I'm like, don't dry.

don't like let's try to limit the variables here and we never found it i mean we had guys take apart the seats out of the car and stuff and um you did who know yeah who knows if they were they may be found right did was it insured nope did you buy her another one um i got a help in all fairness here i think her grandmother's heirloom like like so the rock i didn't after i then got a new setting and everything okay all right yeah and how did that wedding how did that marriage turn out right same as uh same as your buddies can't lose the ring can't lose the ring it's amazing to me that i have had this piece of hardware on my finger for 26 i lose everything and somehow i never she never lost hers i know i never lost mine yeah i lost uh two of my rings

when do you take them off i took well one i was surfing and i i was surfing and i I guess it got so cold and then slid off while I was paddling. Oh, I love the cockering like that one. That's the good story. Yeah. The other one I took off before I got a massage, but which is easy to, okay, which is easy to laugh at, but if it's a dirty massage, you're not taking off the ring. You're not taking off the ring for two reasons.

One, you don't care. Two, you're not getting such a thorough massage that they're going to pop your fingers like they do and everything. Yeah. So it was, I wouldn't lie to you, it was a legitimate massage. I was with Kilbourne. We were up in Minnesota at the Timberwolves training camp. And I had time to kill, like we had a whole day or something.

And so anyway, I got a massage there and then couldn't find it. I don't think, I don't think 1% of our listeners are buying this story right now. All right. The GOP chair of a local elections board in North Carolina has been arrested after being accused of putting MDMA and co-cooked. Kane and his grandchildren, 15 and 16 years old, into their ice cream. I don't understand. You didn't put an explanation. Did you know why?

Well, they don't really get into. I looked up three different versions of this story because one of them, they didn't list the age, so I had to find that. James Yokely, a Republican who was selected to chair the Surrey County Board of Elections in June, flagged down an officer at a Sheets convenience store, to inform him that his two granddaughters found pills in their Dairy Queen blizzards. Video taken from the Dairy Queen showed it was Yokely

who had been the one who placed the two pills into both victims' ice cream. So what I'm guessing is the girls discovered the pills and so he had to fake that he would call the cops. It's so bizarre. It's like, ma'am, do you want sprinkles? No, thanks. I think my grandfather just puts them on for me.

I'm only allowed two sprinkles in capsule form. Meanwhile, a blizzard doesn't need cocaine, but you do need the ecstasy as soon as you finish that blizzard. Your mood tends to go downhill once you're done with one of those. Most 15 and 16-year-old girls would be like, hey, grandpa, can we go for some more ice cream before that Dead show on Saturday? Dead was a wrong reference for that joke. Is he, like, hiding it?

Like, what, I have no idea what was going on. I don't know. We need more information on this story. If anybody can research this and let us know, I couldn't find much. It's a very interesting story. But he's stepped down. He's no longer in office. So, uh...

Well, you can't get a job of Dairy Queen. Nope. A Wisconsin father of three who faked his own death to flee to Europe. We did this story. We did? No, not the update. Oh, yeah, we did the story. Well, now we found him, right?

Yeah. Okay. Before he was just missing. I think we knew he went to, anyway, in an attempt to start a new life, has been sentenced to serve 89 days in prison, the same length of time that authority spent searching for him. Ryan Borgwart, 45, vanished on a fishing trip in August, 24, leaving behind his phone ID and an over-dead. turned boat. They searched for his body, but later discovered he had fled to Canada and then Georgia in the former Soviet Union. Officials said he went to Georgia to meet a woman from Uzbekistan, whom he had met online. Have you seen women from Uzbekistan? I wouldn't even go to

Georgia in this country. The judge's 89-day sentence for obstruction is twice as long as the term prosecutor okay the irony would be getting killed in prison serving time for faking your own death that would be the ultimate ending to this story exactly i think me it's just next time just die you want out you want out of your marriage right just go down under the boat but it occurred to me though might he be faking his own prison sentence now who knows what this guy will go through Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if he's going to fake his own getting fucked up the ass. Oh, what happened to the algorithm?

Oh, we blew it. We blew it. Golly. All right, it's time for the ethical question. Okay, hold on. Turn a page. All right, your turn, buddy. All right, here's what I got for you.

You were driving through Beverly Hills one night. night and you take a turn and and some some douche has packed you know those extra long Tesla trucks they're huge yes of course so this guy is is parked he's tucked up against the corner on the red he's he's he's in a handicap spot and he's under a tree so it's shady you don't see him in the dark you clip the back corner of his car do you leave a note under the windshield, or do you continue driving? Um, I mean, I think I leave a note.

What does the note say? Go F yourself. No, I, I, you had it coming. Sorry I didn't hit it, smash it head on with more impact. Um, no, right. I didn't, I wasn't thinking comedically about what the note would say. But, I mean, I think I, because it warms my heart when someone has left notes on things of mine. Yes. So, but I have thought before of pulling out on my motorcycle and doing barely anything, do I then just keep driving? You know, like if it's a scratch.

Yeah, what's the underover on reporting it to somebody, you know? Yeah. Yeah. But you're saying because the character of this owner is something I don't respect. Yes. So it makes it easier. Right. And also that he's parked where he shouldn't be. How do we know he's parked where he shouldn't be? He's got no handicap placard.

Oh. As opposed to you who has a handicapped placard but shouldn't have one. No, that was a short while. And I was still getting over my hip. I forgot about the handicapped part But it's hard to prove that they don't Yeah Then a guy's limping, yelling at me as I pull away

I had a note put on my car one time And I couldn't believe it This guy, you know, hit my fender, left a note And so I reply to the guy And it turns out he owns I'm not going to say which restaurant But he owns one of the hottest restaurants On the west side of L.A.

And so I know he's got money and so he uh we go back and forth on tax and then i tell him yeah it's going to be you know i'll take it to the mechanic he goes what if i just give you like eight hundred dollars and i was like well i think it's going to be more than that i said i got an estimate and it's like 1200 he's like yeah but i could just give you 800 and i was like well i kind of what i mean like i can't fix it for 800 you know it's like it's cost me for so anyway we went back and forth and i went through insurance, and he fucking ghosted me for a long time to where I almost had to, like, call the police or something, you know?

So it turned, it turned bad. It went from him doing a good thing to maybe, I don't know, was I in the wrong? Look at you're just bad-mouthing people on podcasts, bad-mouthing famous people on podcasts. You don't know what restaurant. No, I know. I know. I do know what restaurant, actually. Oh, because you know the story? Yes.

Yeah. I know the story. All right. So was I in the wrong? not to take the 800 and make him go through insurance or give he ended up giving me the 1,200 no you can do whatever you want okay but if you took the 1,200 if I know you you probably would have fixed a little less of it and taken it somewhere else and maybe made 400 on it oh wait no we went through insurance oh we did we went through insurance so it got

done completely right um I once got a note laugh at this is a true story me and my family had this house for like when I was a kid my dad's friend died and he so my father bought the guy's Florida house off

of him for a fucking steal off the widow and so we had this little house and it had a resort that was about it was about two miles down like the Everglades down a fucking dark side

road with no fucking streetlights and me and my brother was oasis playing at the end of the road yes okay we were probably 11 and 12 years old and my parents there was an arcade or not an arcade but like a billiards room and uh had a ping pong table at this resort so me and my brother at night would ride our bicycles to this resort and so we go one night and we're shooting pool and we're shooting pool with this guy and then he leaves and then we go out to get on our bicycles and there is a note in my basket that says had a lot of fun with you guys if you want to party I'm in room 1213 how fucking creepy is that how old are you like 11 and 12th it sounds pretty enticing and believe me we thought about it we were like free

booze? Free booze? Does he have like cute dogs? It's Florida, man. Wow. That's some note. The guy, he took a swing, man. He went for it.

Maybe that's the note I'd leave on the Tesla. You're right. Had party. Had fun. If you want a party, I'm up in room 502. All right, let's do some entertainment. Here we go. This is a Phil McCracken who's a friend of the show

Sure is Just gave us a head up that Devo just came out on Netflix It's a 90-minute documentary About the 70s anti-establishment time period That spawned the band Yeah, I would see that in a second I'm fascinated by Devo Do you remember them on SNL?

Oh yeah, are you kidding me? We are not, man, we are Devo And then they do Satisfaction Oh, satisfaction Right, right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah.

So I'd be very interested. Maybe let's watch that as our homework assignment, everybody, and then next week we'll talk about it. Maybe they didn't do so. Satisfaction was a very popular song of theirs. They covered it. Yeah. I don't know if it was us now, but yeah.

All right, what's this? Chloe Kardashian. went to Mexico to get stem cell treatment and she said I work out five days a week so having something to help with recovery inflammation and overall wellness is next level

she wrote on Instagram not to mention the bonus anti-aging maybe my favorite perk what is their obsession with not aging is aging that fucking horrible she says stem cells are cells which are able to self-renew and create specialized cells which are currently used to treat blood cancer and other blood disorders according to the Cleveland Clinic research into whether stem cells can treat or even cure other diseases

remains ongoing she says I know what a privilege this treatment is and I feel incredibly blessed we were able to receive it and with such great care meanwhile I'm doing a walk-a-thon to help some bald kid at St. Jude's. You can't help her out at all? I should do a walk-a-thon for Kim. Are they her stem cells? That's the idea? I don't know how it works.

I think they're going to, like, the stem cells are going to get, like, come up for a breather, get spun around some tube or something, and then they're going to be injected back in this foreign body. Because the cells will then realize, like, oh, my God, This is not how this human being began. I don't even recognize you. Right, right.

You don't have the same face. You've changed bones. You've changed fat. You've changed so many things about you. It's like driving back to your hometown and getting lost because they redid all the roads. Completely. I mean, when you see the pictures of the family early on, it's unbelievable how much work's been done. The irony would be

Her dying at a filthy Mexican hospital Getting shots to avoid aging I guess so Let's make America Florida Here we go These are always good We got Florida man wearing Batman pajamas

Thwart's burglary Detained suspect before police arrive At approximately two in the morning, police responded to a burglary in progress, and when they arrived on the scene, they found the suspect already detained by Kyle Mivit, who was dressed in a Batman onesie. Myvitt told detectives he had gone to bed when his home security cameras alerted him that someone was breaking into his vehicle. Myvitt, still sporting the pajamas, went outside to investigate, and he saw the suspect rummaging through his car. his truck and later found the same suspect in his neighbor's garage and that's when he detained him until officers arrived. Okay. So I didn't put the picture in here, but I don't know what's going on because this guy looks like an NFL football player and he's in Batman pajamas. No way. But you can

see his hands just look like they lift weights constantly. And I don't know if he's especially, He does have a driver. He has a car, according to this report. But this Batman might be special. A car. He has a Batmobile. Right. Sorry.

Alfred, I'm going out to the driveway. I'll go right back. Right. I'll be back in the cave in 10 minutes. I just got to get my rope and tie up. I think it's Catwoman. Pretty sure it's Catwoman out there. Meanwhile, the guy, like, going through the cars and stealing stuff,

he must have looked at him and just been like hands immediately up like just like oh my god can you call the police please i'd call the police on myself if this guy and his batman onesie walked up to me yeah and i think the police may want to poke may want to poke around in the back cave and see if there's a a boy wonder in there some boy dressed up yeah Batman What do you think the sheets were? What do you think this guy's sheets are? Spider-Man?

Maybe they're just a Robin And he just gives it to Robin all night. Yeah. Okay, wait, here's his picture. God damn it, are you video or a picture? He almost looks like the weekend a little bit. Dude, look at his fucking hands. Wow.

He did not have to pose for that. picture by the way no he needs a cape that's the only thing someone get this guy a cape and those are big cops this guy is big yep um but here he isn't a onesie i mean what is happening that is amazing i think this was his night i think he never would have come out with the onesie if he didn't capture a criminal now he's like okay this is real if you want to look this up as you're listening to our podcast. This is all I Googled. This is all you need. Batman 1Z, Florida. That's all. We'll drop it into the dock. We'll have it posted. We'll send it to Midcos Media.

Yeah, but no one, no one's watching this. Nobody's watching this. But yeah, I like that one. Okay, now we're going to make Texas, America, Texas again. All right. A missing Texas woman found living with lost African tribe in Scotland. This is one of the better missing women's stories, especially out of Texas I've ever heard of. On May 25th, this woman Taylor left her residence in Texas and embarked on her journey to the UK on a six-month tourist visa. At that time, she did not inform her relatives of anything about her connection with, quote, the tribe. Now she has been found to be staying in the kingdom of Kubala, which is a self-com. claimed section in a forest in Scotland's Jedberg.

She stays there with the couple King Athena and Queen Nandi. In a video message, she earlier told the UK authorities that she was not missing and urged them to leave her alone. Quote, I'm an adult, not a helpless child, she added. She should have added, and I'm a princess. So you have no jurisdiction. restriction in my kingdom. I always get confused.

Wait, King Athene is is he the older one or is it William? Exactly. I think we should send the guy in the Batman onesie to go rescue her. He's like our go-to guy now.

Well, I think you're right. I noticed this is a woman of color. It is an African-American woman. Oh, she is. And if we can give her any warning, from another African-American woman who joined the royal family over in the U.K. Watch out. It turns out they're racist.

Yes. You would have no way of knowing that before getting involved with this family. But I'm just letting you know that some royal families in England are racist. Is there any reason why we are not securing the rights to this screenplay as we speak? I want to know how, Colin is, are they tolerating this? Maybe it's very legit. This section of a forest. So I didn't put it all in here, but I did read the article. And they claimed that it was taken away from them 400 years ago. 400. I haven't done the math. I don't know when. I think

it was an African tribe, I believe. Anyway, yeah. Well, if you watch Game of Thrones, there are black people and that is based on the war of the roses which I think was in Scotland sounds like some Fitzfax being thrown around but I love it I love it well here's my impression of the tribe he got her woman who's into cast

all right never mind so are you weaving in the click The racist clicking to an accent, you can defend? Yes. I got it. I got it. Let's go to sports. Internet, no, there's nothing in sports I already talked about by betting app.

International. Okay. A male killer whale at a closed marine zoo is being sexually stimulated by his trainers to stop him inbreeding with his mother. Whoa. Sometimes do you need an article? The pair, Weiki, 24, and her husband. 11-year-old son Keio are still being kept in their pools and cared for by their trainers in southern France. Last week, the activist group Tidebreakers obtained overhead footage showing two

trainers standing at the edge of a pool next to Keio as he lies upside down. One trainer holds onto a flipper as the other stimulates the whale who can be seen writhing about in the water. Quote, in order to avoid imbreeding with his mother, Marine Land decided to sexually stimulate to relieve him of his tensions although spectacular this is a natural and totally painless for the animals spectacular you definitely don't want to sit in the front row for this show definitely wear your poncho wait I have a recording of the whale sounds well you can't blame the kid I mean what a milf she had him when she was 13 years old

I know and and now and now she's only 24 oh put your finger on my blowhole oh

yeah that is I love that this group this animal rights group they must have gotten some kind of a drone to get to get the footage they didn't know what was going on in there they're just monitoring it all of a sudden there's a whale upside down getting a handy and they're like also yeah how is the mom react

is the mom like you guys see what's going on here are you guys going to do anything about this yeah i can't run i can't get i can't run you put me in a you know a sort of glass of water um but i'll tell you this sounds like a job you know who could be good at this and help is milania trump because she's stopping her whale from meeting with his daughter. So she keeps him stimulated and keeps him distracted from his attraction. Our first try, it took us 58 minutes to get a Trump joke in today. It's not even political. He's on record.

He's so attracted to his daughter. I wonder if this is going to be the new subgenre on Porn Hub is going to be like stepmom whale porn. I know they've just put family descriptions over every porn clip everything's incest now I know and then you watch the clip and you watch the beginning and they're already having sex there's no backstory and they don't even look like you know if it's a stepmom she doesn't look like his mom

I get angry yeah All right, where are we going? We're going down. Let's go down to... This day in history? Let's do this day in history. Here we go.

This is another tough one. I think it was a very busy summer with World War II. Okay. American professional gridiron football coach Vince Lombart. He became a symbol of the single-minded determination to win. Anyway, he led the Green Bay Packers to victories. Oh, all this isn't as good. This is when he died. Do you want to take a guess of what year Vince Lombardi died? All right, give or take 10 years. When did Vince Lombardi die?

I'm guessing the Packers were really great. What, in like the 50s? Newt Rockney was on the team. I'm going to say then if he was 40 then, then he would have died 40 years later. I'm going to say he died in 1987. 1970. Jesus. Yeah. He wasn't a healthy man. No.

I wonder how old. Did it say how old? Oh, 57. Oh, my God. Younger than us. I would have been exactly right. 20 years later. Good for you.

All right. The Treaty of Paris, part of the peace of Paris, was signed between Britain and the United States, in what year, give or take five years? The Treaty of Paris? From what war? It's between Britain and the United States. I think there was a big clue in there.

All right. Then I'm going to say it was after, before or after the Revolutionary War? I guess it would have been after. So I'm going to say 1791. You missed it. 1783 Ah All right

Now let me go back up here There are all these people who died There's a Frank Capra That's what I mean It's slim picket So hold on I have to go up to find Hohi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-s got to be

People's favorite part of the podcast Is you searching You know Ho Chi-min declared Vietnam Independent from France Ho Chi-min When do you think Ho Chi-Men lived? Not an official question.

He lived in, well, there was a city called Ho Chi-Men. I think the, I do know that the French were fighting in like the 40s. Good for you. I'll say 45, split the difference. 1945 was the exact date. Thank you very much. Greg, the Great Fire of London began accidentally in the House of the King. Kings Baker. Boy, did they need the jester after that one. It burned for four days and destroyed a

large part of the city, including old St. Paul's Cathedral and about 13,000 homes. No. What year was the great fire of London, give or take, 80 years? Let's say 1670. Are you serious? Yeah. 1666. Are you serious? Yeah. Dude. For some reason, I think I would have guessed the 1700s. Let's find one more here. Here we go.

That's not a good one. There was an earthquake. All right, might as well do this. Great earthquake in Tokyo metropolitan area. And the death toll from it was estimated to be 143,000 people. Jesus. So this is the Tokyo Yokohama earthquake. I don't know if it's called that.

There's very little information here. What year do you think that? Give or take 50 years. What do you think that was? Well, for that many people to have died, there must have been buildings. So I'm going to put it in the, I'll say 1910. Good for you, 1923. Nice.

Okay, last one. This is a good one. Life magazine published Ernest Hemingway's Old Man in the Sea, his last major work of fiction. I didn't know that. It was also released as a book the following year and had won a Pulitzer Prize. What year did Ernest Hemingway's, I'll take either year, Old Man in the Sea appear in Life magazine or in book form, give or take 10 years? All right, so he was around in the 30, I'm going to say 1952. So you looked down.

Do you think I'm cheating? It's 1952. No, it's not. It is. I swear to God on my children. Now the two at the hands come up, the phones left down. Okay. Phone's over, phones in my pocket.

Right here. All right, we're done. That's not fun. I kind of fucking nailed it today. Eh, you didn't do so hot in the beginning. But you did well. Did well. I got that, uh, I got three.

All right. What else we got? Uh, we got, uh, the funnies. Let's cheer up because we have no obituary. Now, this is going to hit hard to some people that lost. loved ones in the past week, but nobody important died this week. Nobody of any significance has passed away in the last seven days. I feel for you, though. I know where you're going through. If you did lose somebody, write your own topical podcast. But as far as ours goes, nobody died. Nobody even

got sick last week. Before we start the obituaries, I'm going to tell you a obituary thought I had. I the algorithm has figured out that I went through some of my own grieving I guess since my mom passed a year ago and so anyway it sends me things and I guess I look at them too long and that's how it knows that I will read them and a lot of people have said which Greg you had an early loss with your dad that it really changes you and you become kind of a deep a little bit of a little bit but not everybody, I guess, but a deeper thinking person because nothing can really like compare to that. And it also, I think you gain an understanding that maybe you could at best only empathize with, but not sympathize with that you have no idea around you who's lost someone and that for many people you get jettisoned into a realm of, Thinking about things that are more important, bigger things, less petty than, and all that. Anyway, what that led me to think was, do you think that art in many ways has gotten more disposable?

And I know there's still good art out there. Don't get me wrong. But do you think generally the average, the average artwork was greater, 100,000? years ago because people would lose people so much earlier in their life and then artists would be changed and artists could be like whether it was wars or just lifespan or just a brother and sister making it to 25 years old I think just the opposite I think life was cheap back then you know you had you had 13 kids four lived they were fucking sea turtles There were wars constantly.

We haven't had a war that impacted the general popular. I mean, this is in no way to marginalize the great men and women that have given their lives for this country since Vietnam. But there hasn't been a draft. It hasn't sort of intersected with the average family in what, what's that fucking 60 years? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was never a span that long. before so life has actually become more precious people live longer and uh i think that we put more value on maybe too much value on life now we're fucking you know we're worm food um but i don't know

i think when you would lose a parent which was way more common back then that's not like brother 13 or 12 who was a baby or younger right i know the arts gotten worse that's for damn sure There's no new art that's any good. Look at this podcast. And continuing your, you know, the very, the way you cautiously set up the wars, it's interesting to think that Vietnam, and I'm not taking anything away just like you, it's under your banner of your sort of how you prefaced it, that all of Vietnam, all of the Vietnam casualties, I'm talking deaths,

were the equivalent of the Gettysburg weekend. Yeah. I think it was like 30,000 people, right? No, 50-ish. Yeah. That's crazy. I know. Okay, funnies.

All right, let's cheer up. Here we go. Last week, we gave you the caption for the comedy caption contest. You wrote us your punchlines. The winner will get a coozy. Mike, I got to say, get on those coosies. They'll be going out this week. Mike is going to do a big push.

This is my vow. If you have not gotten your coozy, and you send me one this week, someone from October hasn't gone it or something, anyway, which is a long time ago. But this is what you do. Send your email request to what address, Greg? Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. And in all caps, what could grab your attention, Greg? Because you have not sent me all of them. That's part of the problem here.

What should this subject line mean? Hey now. Seriously? Yeah, have it say hey now. Hey now, all caps to that address, and I will get them out. But include your original request, if possible. We don't want to break your balls, but if you can, just so this isn't a free-for-all. But we will get them out to you right away.

Okay. So last week's caption is a gentleman, and he is in boxer shorts. other than that, he's stark naked, and he is tied up to a four-poster bed, spread eagles. He's a middle-aged guy, he's got a paunch, and he's bald, and he's looking up, off into the distance, wide-eyed, expectant, maybe in a good way. So, Dee Porter said Bob's first attempt at microdosing goes sideways. I kind of like that. Andrew Crest said, blown and quarters. Okay

Harold said Oh boy Oh boy This girl is awesome I wonder what a Cleveland steamer is All right Sean says

You're just going to leave me here Thank God You go mow the fucking lawn Interesting Sean's from Ontario I wonder if he's been To fucking that stadium I went to

Yeah I'm going to skip his next When he sent in two Only location oasis has played in Canada Ben L. said, yes, the power of Christ compels me. Okay. Jeff Langa says, with Medicare cuts, the dominatrix is cheaper than the chiropractor. All right.

Not, you know, thinker. Stephen Mangram said, ready to finally get rid of this love handles for good. Sid found an economically alternative to OZepic. Got a little long. Yeah. Charles McLennan says Russian President Vladimir Putin finally releases secretly recorded July 4th, 1987 video of Donald Trump eagerly waiting for the Russian hooker to piss on his face. Now, let me show you a better version of that joke, which is six words. This is the POTUS special, right?

That's it. That's good. Nico Lee. Brevity is the soul of wits. Bruce Wise says, there once was a sub from Van Nuys who liked to be whipped and be tied but was left all alone

in his suburban home when his chika was taken by ice Okay There you go I didn't see it going that way No brevity there but That's a good effort But not a bad effort

No it's a different way to go Flesh tree said But why do you need my pin Ms. Pat All right Ziggie B said Larry yelling When you said you were into Tide This isn't what I imagined.

Okay, tie die. All right, so I'm going to either say the limerick or... The limerick was some good work. I'm going with the limerick out. Let's give the limerick out. That was Bruce Wise, who's an artist who is a frequent drawer of our logo. So thank you, Bruce. Send in your address.

We'll get it out to you for the rest of you. Send in your jokes for next week. The caption or the comic for now. next week is it's a courtroom we're looking at the courtroom from the point of view of the jury you've got about five jurors sitting there looking there's a prosecutor i'm guessing he's pointing at the stand where a bumblebee is sitting there's a judge in the background he's got his he's got his hand on his elbow on his head and he looks bored the bee is leaning forward the lawyer is pointing at the B what is your joke i think this is kind of a interesting one does this look like

the face of someone who would attack you right exhibit B your honor can i show you exhibit b i like that one all right and now we've got the lock horns they're sitting there watching tv and leroy says to loretta i figured out who the bad guy is it's the one who recommended we watch this movie And then we have Loretta telling Leroy as he walks in the door with his briefcase, dinner will be late, Leroy, the pizza delivery car broke down. All right. Nice. Now, what do you got? I am changing things up.

I love it. Always changing and growing here at Sunday Papers. Why wouldn't we do something that is pretty guaranteed to be funny? each week I will pick my favorite onion headline and so one came in today and it is let me get it here it is of Travis Kelsey and he looks a little like a WTF kind of expression and he goes and the headline is dead-eyed Travis Kelsey nods at bow tie options for cat ring bearers Because he's like, okay, that's the expression. All right.

Dead-eyed. Let's get to Blondie. Shit fuck is laying on the couch, taking a nap. It's clearly daylight out. And then from the next room, you hear, honey, do you have a minute? And she's stirring away at the fucking stove. She's got an apron on, like a slave. I want to get your thoughts about something.

The next frame, it's just her going, like, where is he? Then she goes to the living room. Couch is empty. Even the dog's like, where did he go? They walk across the room, open up the closet door. He's standing in the closet. She goes, honey, it isn't about finances or decluttering the attic again. He goes, well, I couldn't take any chance.

You couldn't take? Hmm. So, let me get the straight. What kind of man hangs out in the closet? Right? Yeah, first of all, right. That's where he belongs. You have a, I'm not going to say it.

That's where he belongs in the closet. You have a man. That would explain everything. That would explain why he is not in the kitchen standing behind her, hiking up that blue skirt and having her put her hands on the side of that stove while he takes a little bit of cooking grease in his finger and just dabs, gives it a dab, and then plunges. Okay. And instead he's standing in the closet because he doesn't want to. Declutter the fucking gutter. I'll declutter her gutter.

Lovely. All right, listen. We did it. We did it. We got through a lot. I say we do an hour in 15. That's an hour in 16. We give you an extra minute.

Don't forget tonight I'll be at the Comedy Store in La Jolla. Two weeks, I'll be in the Denver Comedy Works. Come out, say hello. And I also want to recommend people listen to Led Zeppelin 3 again. Mike, anything to promote? Yeah. Yeah, if you just want to have fun, you know, it's kind of like an old guy's Taylor Swift tour, going to Oasis. It was very, listen, Oasis's music was nostalgic the day it came out, and this is a 90% nostalgia play, but they did sound great.

There's no doubt about that, but it's just really fun. Okay. Just don't see it in Toronto. Right. Don't see anything. It makes the Rose Bowl look reasonable, which it's not. How many hours were you in Toronto? It took two and a half hours to get back to where downtown after the show.

So how long from the time you landed until the time you flew out? Oh, I was there less than 24 hours. I respect it, man. I love your joie de vivre. I love that you went for it. Yeah, because I also don't think I can see them at the Rose Bowl unless I take an earlier flight back from New York next week. They're at the Rose Bowl Saturday and Sunday.

Oh, okay. But where are you? I'll be in La Jolla. Oh, okay. Yeah, Sunday night show because it's Labor Day. Is this our Labor Day show? This is our Labor Day show. wait a minute no no no no no no no no i'm talking about next saturday on sunday the sixth and seventh

well that being said shout out to all the hard workers uh you know it's interesting as i was listening to um beggars banquet the stone's album the other day and he had they have two working class songs back to back i think they were trying to like establish their roots you know they've factory girl Factory Girl And there's They're back to my Anyway Hard working people

Yes Exactly To all the people that work Take pride in what you do And thank you for all you do As we do very little Well Also let's all just try to survive

All of us here Below the top 4%, let's say Yes. Even the fourth percent is probably feeling poor in this country now. All righty, we're going to end on that note, huh? All right. We'll see you guys soon. Take itish.

Take itish. Take it, age. Gregin, my, Gregon, my, Greg and my, Greg and my Greg and my Greg and my Greg and my Sunday papers. Greg and my Greg and my Greg and my Sunday papers. Greg and my Greg and my Greg and my Sunday. Mac, Greg and Mac, Greg and Mac, Greg and my Sunday papers.