Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 28 9/13/20

Episode Date: September 13, 2020

Fires rage in the west and an insane man fathers 36 children with sperm donations. Family Circus literally makes no sense this week.

Sunday fucking papers Sunday fucking papers Andy Kapp is a goddamn hero Bill King is a fucking zero One of his blood is asshole I wanna see her tits One of his blood is pussy That would heal a piece of shit

One of his blood is asshole I wanna see those tits One of his blood is pussy That would heal a piece of shit Sunday fucking paper Sunday fucking papers Sunday fucking papers They'll probably get the fat fuck Who gives a fuck

Black, pink and blondie Nigga, Dagwood is cock Dagwood, you piece of shit Dagwood, you piece of shit Dagwood, you piece of shit Dagwood, you piece of shit Sunday fucking papers Sunday fucking papers

I have to live my fault My better half is you Genitive, so small I want to see those chips I want to see those chipsits Wild and blind and pussy Deadwood, you piece of shit Wild and blind and asshole Wanna see those tits

Wild and blind and pussy Deadwood, you piece of shit X-Tree, X-Tree Read all about it Sunday Papers, baby Coming at ya You heard it flop on the doorstep. You're on your second cup of coffee, scratching your balls and ready to learn about the world. Welcome, Mike Gibbons. Someone wrote in this week or whatever that that was too grating, that screaming of yours up top. Then check out WTF with Marc Maron or My Favorite Murder.

Whole plethora of choices out there, douche. Anyway. Oh, geez. Welcome, Mike. How was your week? It was good. I mean, it's super weird here. Have you checked out the sun lately?

Yeah, it feels post-apocalyptic. It is honestly an orange circle in the sky that you can stare at, which I know you're not supposed to. But this smoke in this region is really unprecedented, I'd say. I mean, we've had it before, but we're on day four or five of just solid gray and an orange sun. Yeah, it's really weird. California, man, it's no break. Year after year, we're getting hit hard, man. Three million acres between Oregon and Washington and California.

That's pretty hard to conceptualize. Three million acres. We're early still. conceptualize my million acres we're early still you remember the fires two years ago that were uh in um in the valley like right here west lake village and like they came really close all that uh that was november because that's when the san anna is hit yeah san anna is usually hit i think late october november so we're not even there yet i think this was like an early I think late October, November. So we're not even there yet.

I think this was like an early odd Santa Ana, I think, or an unseasonal Santa Ana, maybe they called it. But this could get really bad, yeah. Yeah, well, we'll get to that story in a bit. I mean, worse, worse. It's already way bad. It could get worse, sadly. Yeah.

But, you know, it's not climate change. It's just raging annual fires that are destroying most of the fucking West Coast and causing, by the way, Denver, Colorado. Yeah. 101 degrees on Saturday. On Wednesday, snow, like an inch of snow stuck on the ground. Two days later, 78 degrees. I haven't talked to our buddy Jack in Jackson Hole, but they got snow. I know that. Yep.

Crazy. We want to thank Rob Dukes for providing this week's song. Holy shit. What a great fucking song that was. I haven't heard it yet, which I know is a weird thing to hear because everyone just heard it. What's it like? It's punk. It's punk rock.

I love it. But it's really good. And then, what do I mean, but? It's just sometimes punk rock can be sloppy. This is tight, well-produced punk rock. I love it. The logo comes from David Hughes, who's a regular contributor to our logos. By the way, if you want to get involved, FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. Send us your artwork. If you have a fun idea for the logo for the show,

we do a new one every week. If you haven't noticed, we also do a new song every week. Love to hear it. Pretty incredible. We're over a half a year into this and it's still coming in. I know. I know. It's very cool. It's one of my favorite parts of the show is going through the music and the art that we get. So we were thinking, right, like maybe at the end of the year, having like maybe a March Madness bracket of all the songs. Yes. Somehow putting up, or we just list them all, whatever. No, we have a website.

There's a Fitz Dog Radio. I mean, there's sundaypapers.net, and they'll all be up on that. People can listen. Look at that. All right, boy. All right. We just set a goal for ourselves. I love it. Speaking of goals for yourself, oh boy, this is it. Football season is here. It sure is. And if you want to make some bets, the only way to do it is at mybookie.com. They've got a winning season thing, this program. You double your first deposit. This sounds insane, but they will match dollar for dollar all the way up to $1,000 your first deposit.

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You're going to enjoy it. It makes me excited about the new season. I bet gambling is going to be up a lot. Oh, yeah. Even though it's much harder. I know this could be unrelated, but remember July 4th when we looked out over the valley? It was so intense how many fireworks shows, because normal fireworks shows were canceled. And I think people had this pent up,

I got to kind of let loose. Well, now there's also this pent up, haven't been able to gamble, first of all. There's nothing to gamble on. Secondly, people do, if they have not lost their jobs, people are spending less on those things. So I think they might think I have some money to play around with. I also think there's like a feeling of community when you gamble. I mean, I think that's the biggest selling point of it for me.

you gamble? I mean, I think that's the biggest selling point of it for me. And when you bet in a pool, like I'm in a betting pool, or you're just betting this way, you're sharing it with your friends. What did you bet? Here's how much I made last week. I think it's a way of connecting. It's also a thrill and people are definitely lacking thrills. Corrections from last week. Oh boy. Corrections from last week Oh boy Apparently I think I said that Star is Born didn't win any Oscars Lady Gaga won the Oscar for best song

Are you sure? I think I read that correction I thought the person wrote in You're wrong Because I said Bradley Cooper won 0 for 8 or whatever it was And I think they were like you're wrong because i said bradley cooper went oh for uh eight or whatever it was and i think they're like you're wrong uh cooper got one because of uh star is born song but he did not all right i'm looking lady gaga got one star is born oscars it was wait but i think that's what this guy is saying all right, she got, what are we saying?

She got Best Actress. Oh no, she was nominated for Best, oh they were they were nominated for seven Academy Awards and they got none of them. I don't even have to look it up. It lost every Oscar, except

I think Star is Born won two in the music, in music. But that did not include Bradley Cooper. I'm reading it right now. Star is Born went one for eight, winning only in the category of best song. Here we go. All right. And that song sucked ass.

I hated that song. Oh, did you? Oh my God. It felt so contrived. It was like, there's songs where you go like, like you listen to Into the Mystic by Van Morrison and you are experiencing somebody who music is pouring through.

There's like a transcendent, something magic, something lightning is happening that song felt like a composer sitting at a fucking typewriter trying to win an oscar it was so like melodramatic and shitty right anyway welcome to our comedy podcast sunday papers people loved it when those two sang it though though, on the Oscars. People loved it. Didn't they look like they were going to make out? Yeah, yeah, I know.

They said it was very disturbing, like his girlfriend at the time. And I think then they did become estranged. It must have been a hard watch. By the way, what's with her, like, Tony Bennett fetish? That seems a little charged in a weird way too, doesn't it? I don't know. I think that's legit.

She, you know, she was on the upper West side of Manhattan. If you're growing up just, you know, worshiping, you know, singers and stuff and you're in New York,

Tony Bennett has to be, you know, a huge figure for her. Yeah. Yeah. My favorite was the movie in Amy. In New York, Tony Bennett has to be, you know, a huge figure for her. Yeah, yeah. My favorite was the movie in Amy, when Amy Winehouse couldn't sing in front of him. And that's in the documentary. Right, right.

And he said every right thing. Like, he was comforting and just, you know, wasn't phased by it at all. But it also just showed her respect, you know? Yeah. That's a great movie, Amy. I really liked it. Great. Great movie. You're going to walk away not liking a member of her family. I won't say which. We had a grammar Nazi write in and said that for the plural of Fitzsimmons, it's Greg Fitzsimmons apostrophe. If I want to talk about Greg Fitzsimmons' kids

I hate to reject both corrections I read this one also It depends Not according to the Chicago Manual of Style So, whatever And this applies to Gibbons, by the way, as well Yes, when it's singular possessive It's S apostrophe S at the end of our names that end in S.

But again, both are acceptable now because so many people refuse to do that. Yes. She might be talking about the Associated Press style. There are definitely two different styles and they conflict very often. So that's probably what this correction is referring to. Welcome to the most boring podcast on Sundays, the Sunday Papers. The Gibbonses and Fitzsimmonses Corrections. All right. Before we get into the front page news, let's run another quick ad here.

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That's txmq.com. Do it! Lovely. Let's get to the front page, Mike. There it is. Extra! Extra! We all about it! Extra! I don't have a newspaper again. Oh, yeah, I do. All right. You want to tell us about Oregon?

That's your story, man. Oregon's on fire. But the one thing that did happen was they claimed at one point 500,000 people were forced to evacuate. And they pulled that number back because forced was the key word. But there are over 100,000, they think, who need to evacuate. And I think it's upwards of 30 or 40 already have. But Oregon is similar to what we're talking about. And the rest of the people are saying it's just really flu. It's the flu. What's that? And the rest of the people are saying it's just really flu. It's the flu. What's that?

And the rest of them, they're saying it's really just the flu. What do you mean the flu? Like the fireplace flu? No, anytime they change the numbers on something. Oh, okay. Yeah. No, I like that it's the flu. Like, just open your flu.

That's why it's smoky. I love your improvisational skills. Even when you don't get the joke, you just open your flu. That's why it's smoky. I love your improvisational skills. Even when you don't get the joke, you still make it funny. It's Mike Gibbons, everybody. Yes. And the flu was closed. Uh, but nothing funny about what's going on out here. It's crazy. It's really sad. I haven't, um, I haven't looked at the maps, but, uh, I do know it was encroaching the suburbs of Portland. Yeah. So it's around there. Um, the problem is there's two fires that are headed for each other. And if they do, they're going to trap people and those people are going to burst into flame right now. There's like seven people that are dead. think more No, no, no, it's over 20 It's over 20, but they're saying there's dozens that are missing

And, you know, this is really sad And, you know, in Portland Half the city lives in tents already So at least their home won't burn down They can just pack it up and go to Seattle with their cousin Yeah. Washington has fires too now, but here's the good news. The president of the United States so clearly cares so much about residents of Portland that he's obviously going to send in the troops. Yes,

absolutely. Because the fires now, because he's up day and night worried about the citizens of Portland. Even when the mayor and the governor of the state and city are like, please don't send troops. He's like, I care too much. I insist. Yeah, I care too much. So here they come. Yeah, they're coming. Yeah. And they're going to throw certain people of your state into the fires and that'll fuel the fire and we'll spread it and contain it and put up artificial lines burning hippies. And they go up pretty quick because there's a lot of grease and oil. It doesn't take much. And by the way, it'll smell like patchouli. of grease and oil. It doesn't take much.

And by the way, it'll smell like patchouli. It'll be nice. It'll be a nice change for you guys. I'm the best. I'm looking out for you. Yeah. And they're hipsters, so it'll be rotisserie style. Yeah.

Lots of rope bracelets. Yeah. Tons of human hair. Unfortunately, that doesn't smell too hot. But we'll get it done. Let's move on to, uh, my son just left for college and, uh, I don't know. I'm glad he's going, but I'm a little worried because, uh, six students at Miami university in Ohio were cited for violating a city ordinance on mass gatherings after they held a house party despite at least one of them testing positive for COVID-19. This police officer asked to see his ID.

There's a thing now where he scanned the ID, and there's something in the computer that shows if you tested positive for COVID. And he said to the kid, did you tested positive for COVID. And he said to the kid, did you test positive for COVID? And the kid goes, yeah, but that was like a week ago. And then he said, shouldn't you be quarantining? And the kid said, yeah, I'm home. I'm home right now. The place is packed. They're having a fucking party. And he said that there were other kids in the house that had also tested positive for corona. Oh, I was hoping it was just one.

Because if it's just one, what's the worst that can happen? Yeah, right, right. But, you know, look, these are college kids. We were in college during AIDS having unprotected sex. These are people who, you know, girls who pass out drunk at a frat house. These are people that take on six-figure student loans with impending depression. They're known to take a risk.

Yeah, I think they'll be, yeah. Well, that's what's happening everywhere. But I would like to point out that it's still, to me, a Florida story just because the Miami name, even though it's in Ohio. Like, just that's all you need. You just need to sprinkle a little Florida on any problem and it gets so much worse. Yeah. And you know, it would be a problem if people from Florida ever left Florida,

because they would bring some of that stink with them, but they don't. It's the end of the line. You go there when you've run out of places to go and you live paycheck to paycheck and you can't get out. Yeah. It's the bottom. It's like, there's all these dysfunctional marbles in the United States and they'll just, what's the lowest point? It's Florida. They're all going to roll into Florida. It's even like, and then you have like the bottom of Florida and then the Keys. And if you want real losers, go to the fucking Keys.

Those are people that are, they are Tom Waits. They are Ernest Hemingway. They're people that are going to the end. Yeah. Yeah. Why do I have to drag

Tom Waits into it? I don't know, I don't know Let's go to this one You want to read the one about the sperm donor? I love this story This was in, I forget where I saw this Maybe the Atlantic Sperm donor, 9623

Was a genius who spoke four languages Oh Yeah, no, no, really impressive. So a lot of women anyway. But donor 9623 wasn't who he said he was. He wasn't in graduate school. He had never even finished college. And the lies began to unravel in 2014

when the sperm bank accidentally revealed his name, Chris Ageles, or I guess A-G-G-E-L-E-S. And they also revealed his email address and a message to a group of mothers. By then, the sperm he'd produced over 14 years had been sent to multiple states and three countries, resulting in at least 36 children. The mothers who got curious Googled him and found a comment that he'd left online about quote, hearing voices. Keep in mind at that point, the moms are probably like, I wonder what language the voice is he's hearing in because he speaks four languages. So they, they later found out he had been hospitalized for mental illness. He had been

on disability, was suicidal at one point and pleaded guilty for burglary all before or during the time he was donating sperm. Um, yeah, so it's, it sounds like this guy could, sounds like the only thing he was good at was jerking off into cups. For 14 years. Okay. So wait, let's back up. He's a genius who spoke four languages, and he's going to keep going and selling his sperm for 14 years? He's the most underachieving genius I've ever heard of. Right. Yeah, I know. That's like whenever you hear about these Harvard, you can get some Harvard sperm. he's the most underachieving genius I've ever heard of.

Right. Yeah, I know. That's like whenever you hear about these Harvard, you can get some Harvard sperm. It's like, I'm guessing you're not getting the top of the class with the ones that are jerking off for 50 bucks. It's so crazy. So anyway, but a lot of the courts say, and I learned this for the first time reading the article, a lot of the courts deny the wrongful birth claims, saying it's to protect the children.

So a lot of, not many wrongful birth, which is the term, claims are successful in courts. And a lot of people shy away from doing them. Because I guess this is interesting. One thing the courts pointed out, I guess, was what it looks like to the children. Like, let's say you're one of these moms and you're like, what the fuck? This isn't the product I ordered. Yeah, right. Like, wait, is there any return policy?

Yeah. This thing is half derelict? Yeah. And I love that like They leaked his email address So Now you're a kid You're trying to find your dad

The last thing you want to see is It's a Hotmail address You're like Oh fuck What a genius He's stuck with Hotmail? Maybe it's big in France because he speaks French, I assume. And his Hotmail address is jerky dollar sign at hotmail.com.

Yeah. He lives in front of the sperm bank. Why is it a bank? Is it, are people trying to rob it? Is there security? Sorry, that's a really stupid fucking joke i'm pretty sure it refers to the deposits what is somebody had a joke about um a sperm bank the more you deposit the less... I'll look it up. Maybe, Chris, will you look up that joke?

It's more like an ATM. The more you deposit, the less... You put something in and you take your cash. That's what happens when I jerk off in an ATM. I then reward myself. What's next? U.S. deficit, $3 trillion for the first 11 months of this budget year. This is a record.

Never has America had this big of a deficit. Well, Republicans, you know, fiscally conservative. Go ahead. Continue. Well, the crazy thing is, before the pandemic, the deficit was up a trillion dollars and they blame that on the tax cuts that that Obama put in Obama, that Trump put into place. And and that because of the loss of tax revenue, we we went another trillion dollars in debt before the pandemic kicked in. trillion dollars in debt before the pandemic kicked in. All right. Let me say something that's not political. All right. So everyone who's going to complain, just shut the fuck up. We're both from New York. We've known Trump for, I mean, every single day you have to understand

in the papers and they're just growing up in New York, especially we were joke writers. We would just read four papers a day. We've known Trump since the eighties. If you don't know this, and again, I am just talking about a businessman right now. I'm not talking about the president of the United States. The businessman Trump has a model, a financial model. He spends and goes into debt to artificially inflate his stock price, losing all of his investors money money, and then he often declares bankruptcy. That's his MO, okay? And that's just a fact, okay? There's at least three major bankruptcies on his record, and he has a record of never making money for his investors in general. So this isn't a surprise to me. And you're right. Please tease out the inevitable

Fox talking point that this deficit really is to be attributed to the virus because it's not, it started before the virus. He goes into debt to put on a shiny facade and everything is great. But if you just look behind it, it's not great. Now, in his defense, maybe Trump doesn't know that he's never made money for investors. And maybe he doesn't even know he's declared bankruptcy three times because maybe, like us, he's not allowed to see his own tax returns. I don't know the rules on that. Fucking asshole. This just in. A sperm bank is the only bank where you make a deposit and lose interest

that was actually an snl uh joke written by alan's white bell because i just had alan on my show that's a great joke and that was that was in his submission packet for when he got hired as as one of the first writers on the show. That's a great joke. But with this debt, you really wonder, like, why are Biden and Trump fighting to be president in the next term? They're up against a deficit that's insolvable. They're up against an impending worldwide depression. They're up against an impending worldwide depression. They're up against a fucking pandemic.

Who would be stupid enough to want to go down with that in their legacy? There's no way it's going to turn out well for them. Both of them have it out. Trump will blame the virus and Biden will blame Trump. Yeah, no, that's true. But it's like wanting to marry a woman who has huge credit card debt and student loans. Oh, I'm sorry. That was both of us.

Happens all the time. Happens all the time. I think we both did that. Who would want to do that? And one of our countries went bankrupt. That's right. No, there was a civil war. One of our countries defaulted. There was a civil war.

That's all. Now there's two countries, so beat that. And there's, yeah. There's still reparations, yeah. Let's go to international. Oh, boy. oh boy we look around all around the world for stories for the international section yeah there's a woman who was barred from entering one of france's most prestigious art galleries apparently because she was wearing a low-cut dress. And keep in mind, this is the Musée d'Orsay in Paris, which features some of the world's most famous nude paintings.

So there's a little bit of a double standard here about nudity in women's breasts. So that's what it was? This was about cleavage? Yeah, they said she didn't meet the standards. They have a standard of how you should look going in there that's not, you know. So museums are open, huh? That's not my takeaway.

You know, in New York they are. They're allowing people in museums, you know, like a lower amount, but they're open. I wouldn't be that afraid to go to a museum. I mean, it's usually the 40-foot ceilings and all that stuff. Little galleries, I'd be more reluctant, I guess. galleries, I'd be a little, you know, I'd be more reluctant, I guess. I get it though, because maybe, maybe they want people focusing on the paintings. I know like when I'm doing standup, I would like to bar women with huge cleavage from sitting in the front row because I'm looking straight down their cleavage. And honestly, I get distracted. I start to, I'll repeat a joke because I can't fucking think because I love tits and I'm

sick of my act. So what's my choice? So in the moment, you must address that sometimes. I do. Yeah, I do. Yeah. But I address it, but then it doesn't mean that that lets me let go of staring at them. And the thing is, I'm so sick of my act sometimes that my brain has a choice.

Two big fat titties or the bit about my bumper sticker. I think the whole crowd would agree with you on that one. That's an unfair fight. I would give up the bumper sticker bit in that moment. 10 out of 10 times. By the way, I just put one of those up online. Are you watching my standup clips I'm putting on my Instagram account? Yeah. I saw a really funny one with the woman who did the- Ancestry DNA? Exactly. That was really funny. Yeah. I decided instead of putting out a one-hour special, I had recorded an hour up in Portland, of all places.

And since there's no stand-up, I'm putting out the clips. So go to my Instagram account and check out. I'm putting up little one-minute stand-up clips. Nice. Let's get to this story. What do we got? Alligator bag. Woman had a $19,000 alligator skin handbag.

It was destroyed by customs officials in Australia. Over a $50 importation permit, its owner failed to purchase. A bag was seized on suspicion of involvement in illegal wildlife trade a nineteen thousand dollar handbag it's just uh never mind the alligator skin right and uh what was the deal with it i guess they have some kind of protections for wildlife but why are we protecting the animal shouldn't we be killing alligators why are we protecting the one that fucking chomps on you drags you in a lake and spins you in circles before dragging you to the bottom and then but it's okay to to wear the one that stands in a field, chewing a cud, and harmlessly staring at you.

Oh, Greg, you have it all wrong. We're going to get so many letters. Do you know, did you hear Zach's story about the old piano he was bringing in from Canada? No. So Galifianakis is married to a Canadian woman. And anyway, there was a piano up there in her family, I think. I don't think it was anything that special, but Zach plays. And so they live in Los Angeles and all of a sudden he gets calls from non-immigration customs. And the piano is absolutely not making it through anytime soon.

They have to hold us because the keys were ivory. Oh, no shit. So eventually, um, you know, Zach got someone to try to deal with it, who does that for a living. And then Bradley Cooper. So keep in mind, I think he had a better approach than most people could afford or could get.

And they try to work it out. But finally, all explained how old the piano was and all that stuff. And he went there. And when he got there, they gave, they're like, here's your stuff. And it was the piano and a bunch of Ziploc bags with all the keys in them. No. Yep. Because they had to take them out and that was the, I guess the, I don't know if the

right word's contraband, but that was the material. Obviously there was an issue, but more than that, I think, um, they had to examine it and try to determine what it was. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. So there's that. Huh.

Yep. So, but back to our $19,000 goddamn handbag. I don't know. There's some instinct in me that people should be shamed who own and have stuff like that. It just seems like, I mean, if you have the money, it's your money, I guess. I don't know. I can't out argue it. It just seems wrong to me. Of course it is. I mean, it's like, you know, living in LA and seeing the cars and especially the certain, you go to the comedy store parking lot for the comedians and there's fucking

Lamborghinis and Porschesorsches and and you're just like you know i show up my fucking prius or my subaru legacy outback and it's like guys i got here too is it was that necessary who's what kind of big dick contest is going on in this fucking parking lot right now and when they fly out private jet and you're on the longest security line, I'm like, guys, I'm going to get there too. I'm going to get there too. Fellas! Oh, wait, it's tonight. I'm not going to get there. We're working the same gig and they didn't give me a fucking ride because I showed up in a Prius. I got to their little airstrip in a Prius. We kind of don't want you to drive out on the tarmac in that, if you don't mind. By the way, I have not washed my car in six months. It's so filthy. So many

people have not. Exactly. By the way, I told you one of my flying private stories. I've never, I've never ever paid for it. I couldn't come close to affording that. But we were up doing a bit on NASCAR, which has a race in Napa or Sonoma, somewhere there. So we were there kind of in the infield doing man. And I was the on-camera person, essentially making fun of the people at NASCAR. Anyway, we come back to the NASCAR suite and the president of NASCAR, if you guys am Irish guy, he's like, uh, how'd you do? You know, do we take care of you today? And we're like, Oh my God, it was so great. He's like, and the race was over and he's like, all right, so where are you guys going? And it's like, um, well, I'm going back down to, uh,

LA and he's like, Oh, we're going to LA too. He's like, well, you guys, you were so nice. You took care of us. You arranged a helicopter to take us out of here in Sonoma down to Oakland where we catch our flight. He's like, that's not taking care of you. Come on the private jet. And we're like, holy shit. So on the private jet, we're getting ready to go on. He's like, Mike, where do you live? I'm like, Santa Monica. He's like, that's where we're flying. Santa Monica airport. That couldn't be more convenient. And meanwhile, I own a home at that time near Santa Monica airport. That couldn't be more convenient. And meanwhile, I own a home at that time near Santa Monica airport. And I was always screaming at the jets, like you fucking rich bastards. Like, because they just were so many really loud jets that had gotten pretty big.

Meanwhile, I'm pulling into Santa Monica. I'm like, it's kind of quiet on the inside of the jets. So anyway, he's like, how great is this? And it's like this macho energy. I'm like, this is the, are you kidding me? I live like five blocks from here. This is the best thing ever. So we land on a tarmac, all these black SUVs pull out like some like, you know, rap video.

And he's like, let me give you a ride home. I'm like, great. And he like, I hop in and he drives me to my house. He's like, all right, take care. I'm like, thanks, man. I go in the house and then I have to go in the house. I have to put down my bags. I then have to get a taxi to long-term parking at LAX where my car was parked. Did you realize that at the time before he dropped you off? No, the whole time. The whole time. I'm like, this is great.

Yeah. That's hilarious, dude. When I was starting out doing standup, I'd only been doing it for like, I don't know, like maybe a year at the most, maybe a year or two. And then I got a chance to open for Damon Wayans at the Faneuil Hall Comedy Connection.

And what a fucking comic. That dude is one of the most underrated comics because he's had an acting career. People don't think of him as a standout, but he started with a set on Thursday night that was brand new. He's like, I'm doing all new shit. He had tons of notes and he went up Thursday night

and it was like, eh, Friday night first show. Whoa. Saturday night, crushing with that fucking, with that hour. It was crazy. So anyway, he was going to New York and I lived in New York at the time. I was going to New York at the time. And so I said, let me, he goes, oh, I'm going to New York too. Do you want to ride? And I go, what do you mean? He goes, well, I'm going to New York too. Do you want to ride?

And I go, what do you mean? He goes, well, I got a limo and you can ride in the limo with me. Meanwhile, I had my car in Boston and I was supposed to be driving to New York and I got in the limo with him and I drove the four and a half hours fucking laughing the whole time, like getting numb. And then I got on a Greyhound bus and I went back to Boston and I got my car and I drove back to New York. I'd say worth it. I'd say worth it. Totally worth it. I'm still friends with him to this day. He's the best. Yeah. Um, I don't know

if I ever told him that story. That's how how we do it that's how we do it when we go up a level that's right worlds those are the people that want it all right let's get to some entertainment mike as we talk about damon wayne's well what do you want to do first here well candace cameron burea bure she's the, she was on Dancing with the Stars. She was on Fuller House. She's this kind of like all-American Christian type figure. And she has a lot of Christian conservative followers on social media. They were not happy when Bure posted a photo on her Instagram story showing her posing with her husband, Valerie Bure.

Husband. In which he had his hand on one of her breasts. She had a response for those who were bothered. For all of you Christians that are questioning my pose with my husband's hand on my boob, my husband of 24 years thinking it was inappropriate, it makes me laugh because it's my husband. Does it make it less sexual that he's, his name is Valerie and he looks like a homosexual. Did you see the picture? I didn't see the picture.

He's got on like gay loafers and a gay shirt. That's an interesting response. Cause is she assuming Christians don't like a husband touching a boob? I guess. Because the real issue they had, obviously, was she posting it publicly. Yeah. Like, people don't care if you're naked. They care if you're naked outside of your house and then you're putting those pictures online.

Right. In the public. So that's a weird response for her. Are you defending the christians uh well well she's christian so i hope i hope i'm not but uh i hope i'm not also yeah i don't know christians have a pretty high tolerance for like fucking little boys for just for one. So I don't know if they're going to be that outraged. I think she might be blowing this up a little bit. By the way, I want to take umbrage with that because, you know,

the rabbis have the same frequency of molesting kids as priests do. You know, we get a bad rap. No, no, no. I don't believe that for a second. It is true. I'll look it up. Chris, why don't you look at, Chris Denman, by the way, our producer who pulled that joke before about the sperm bank. There is no way. Chris, why don't you look that up? Get the stats on rabbis. Well, rabbis can be men or women, but male rabbis and how often they diddle kids. And don't cite the study done by the Vatican.

Let's start there. There's no way. Rabbis can be married. Yeah. That automatically is a screening system of sorts. I am not saying married guys cannot be pedophiles at all. I am just saying that the Christian church has a unique problem. And one of the parts of the problem is they're not allowed to marry. They're not allowed to have sex.

Rabbis are allowed to have sex. So that is going to skew this already. Well, they're allowed to have sex, which opens the floodgates. I say, don't let them have sex at all. Just tell them to follow the rules. Priests aren't even allowed to masturbate. Sorry to interrupt. Can you imagine? No. Can you imagine not being able to, being allowed to masturbate and then masturbating? How fucking sweet that would feel?

It would be pretty great. Breaking the law. Breaking the law. So anyway, she's fighting back against these people and i mean i think she just said she'd say look it's not like she's he's touching a natural breast i have to see this photo i'm sure not oh no she's like she's she's nice like she was on full house this is full c cup, like solid. Well, that's unchristian also, sexualizing your body artificially.

Yeah, I guess so. Oh, of course it is. God's work wasn't enough. Although what's more sexual than a girl with cleavage and the cross, the cross hanging right in between it. It just draws your eyes, right? It's like,

Jesus is just standing there going like, stop looking at these tits, but check out these tits. It's like, he has his hand on both of them. Like, look at me. I bet you wish you were here right now.

And then later on, you're like, watch your eyes, God. Yeah. Talk about nailing. I'm going to nail these two things later on. That's right. You want to talk about SeatGeek? Yeah. So SeatGeek Stadium, I guess it's Chicago.

That's what the story was. It's so funny. I read the article twice. It never said it. But SeatGeek Stadium is installing new disinfecting doorways for concert crowds. So the concert is Mexican. I don't mean to laugh. But the Mexican hip-hop stars Ovi and Nathaniel Cano.

And they're bound to draw quite the crowd, which I fully believe. Do you know how many concerts happen in this town? Sold out staples, sold out forum, 100% Spanish speaking. Oh, absolutely. Look at the soccer stadium. Yeah. It's unbelievable. Right.

But huge, huge acts that I'm just in the dark about. Anyway, so every other row of seats will be marked with tape and six person pods will be constructed on the field. And then you also can't get inside without having your temperature taken. And then you pass through a futuristic disinfecting doorway system. disinfecting doorway system. It's a portable doorway device. It looks similar to airport security machines. And it not only provides the temperature screenings, but a disinfectant. It's about six to eight second process. And you're turning and rotating as you get sprayed. And there's three different technologies. There's an overhead ozone, as well as the atomized disinfectant, and then the far UVC. I don't know what a far UVC is, but that's the light. It disinfects those outer layers, this guy said proudly. Then Dr. Emily Landon, the chief epidemiologist at the University of Chicago Medicine said, while this may make you feel really good that somebody has been bathed in a mist of

alcohol, when you get past that mist, whatever's coming out of their mouth, if it's got COVID in it, it's still coming out of their mouth with COVID in it. You haven't done anything to solve that problem. Yeah. Yeah. You're spraying them. You're spraying the outside. COVID's on the inside. That's insane. Although I think if it's a kid rock concert, they should also spray deodorant and birth control on them. Yeah. I was thinking also, like, maybe I will go see a Phish concert. Can they cleanse them?

Can they just clean those dirt bags? Those earth pigs? Clean those earth pigs. Maybe get under the sandals they're wearing. Do a little scrubbing. Yeah, get the undercarriage. Make it like a car wash. Like a civil rights riot. Just fucking hoses. Yeah, that goes out to our buddy Bart Coleman Coleman, the biggest fish fan. I know, listen, I love the dead. So I've experienced it firsthand. Yeah.

And it would be good if they were, everybody was disinfected on the way in. Maybe if it's a Rolling Stones concert, they spray a Viagra and cholesterol medication. These jokes, right themselves, people. Let's do that section where we talk about what we watched this week. Movie reviews.

I have a good week to report. Okay, what'd you see? First one that I'm not finished with. It's a multi-part documentary series on HBO called The Vow. Have you heard about this? No. Oh, you guys will love it. You and Aaron should watch it.

So, the series follows a number of people deeply involved in the self-improvement group, Nexium, which looks like just Roman numerals because it's all caps, N-X-I, what looks to be a V and an M, but they call it Nexium. but they call it NXIVM. And the series takes a deep, nuanced look at the organization faced with various charges, including sex trafficking, excuse me, sex trafficking, racketeering conspiracy, and it's all against its highest members, and most notably the founder, who you get to know,

this Keith Raniere guy. And he was convicted in June of 2019, and he's currently awaiting sentencing. So it was up in upstate New York. Like I think their headquarters were in Albany. The funny part about this documentary is the first part, like all of these cults, there's obviously some good things. You know what I mean? Did you ever see the one that took place in Utah or whatever it was? It was a famous documentary, in Utah or whatever it was. It was a famous documentary, uh, like last year. Uh, I forget the name of it, but, um, this, this really charismatic guy had everybody and they built

a city. It was incredible. Yeah. Uh, but Bo, uh, Bogaviska. I don't know if it was that. Yeah. The guy was from India and then he came over here. Yeah. So even that cult, the stuff he's saying actually made a ton of sense. So I kind of respected that about this. It shows you that, all right, the people aren't that crazy for getting involved and stuff, but it slowly builds. And of course, great documentaries that are multi-part and on their like, holy shit moments, they end each episode. So the first one was kind of like a, something's not right. And then I won't tell you what the second sort of cliffhanger ending was. I think there are probably, there

are three episodes as we record this on Saturday. I'm thinking they come out Sunday night because doesn't HBO roll everything out on Sunday nights? Yeah, Sunday night. But anyway, it's fascinating. This guy's very charismatic. And this award-winning filmmaker, it's kind of about him most like and how he got involved. He was with them for 12 years. And by the way, Ellen celebrated this guy's film. It was like, what the bleep

Remember there was a dvd. I don't know if you were still at ellen But it was like what the bleep is this where and it was basically talking about how positive energy actually changes your molecules Yeah, and it was very much like kind of like the secret putting positivity out there. That's the guy He's the director of that film got suckered into the cult was there 12 years, but the only reason I bring that up is because That's the guy. He's the director of that film. Got suckered into the cult. Was there 12 years. But the only reason I bring that up is because he documents everything. So they have footage of everything they're talking about.

Wow. Yeah. Like he recorded every phone call about it even. Because I was confused. I was like, are these recreations? That's kind of cheesy. They're like pretending to do this phone call about it even because i was confused i was like are these recreations that's kind of cheesy they're like pretending to do this phone call again from memory and it's not it's he had recorded them yeah i hate documentaries that do that they do recreations while you're watching what's his name does it all the time uh morris arrow not arrow morris uh well he does also yeah he has actors now.

He's taking it to a new level. This is very stylized. They do that, and you will be confused. It shows the woman outside the house while she's calling him. They play that recording, and I had to pause and be like, what am I seeing? So they didn't recreate the audio, but they did shoot her today outside a house. So that was confusing. But anyway, it's a great documentary. I have another one too, but do you have anything? What did you do? Oh my God. What a week. What a cinematic week for me. My family sometimes likes

to watch movies ironically. And my daughter asked us to watch the twilight series with her this week so we watched all five all five painstakingly slow fucking were you the one that said that you accidentally watched it on one and a half speed and it actually was good? No, but I've done that with podcasts I've heard and didn't realize I was pressed. It's so slow. And there's so many moments where they try to make the

two lead characters. I can't remember. What's the woman's name who's the star of it? Stewart. Yeah, Kristen Stewart. Chris Stewart and the other guy. They have these long scenes where they're staring at each other and they touch each other's face and i go i feel nothing there's no chemistry here what's for five movies they rely on sexual chemistry that's not there um yeah but it is funny as shit you know people pull it turn turn into werewolves and there's some good fight scenes.

And me and my wife, my son left for college. So it was like, it was kind of our way of dealing with the emotions of Owen leaving. So we sat next to each other on the couch for five nights in a row and watched these movies. It was really great. Sounds like you don't like Owen. Well, this is really meaningful and it's packed with emotion so i think we should put on a piece of shit and not talk to each other for 10 plus hours that will feel like a hundred plus hours um okay the other documentary it's also on hbo i believe class action park so you must have heard of these rumors. They weren't rumors,

but these stories, these legendary stories, they were passed around about Action Park, which is a water park in New Jersey. Oh no, we used to go to it as kids. It was completely fucking insane. So the first time I heard, I of course heard about it and I would see the ads and I wanted to go. Cause it, it really did look like, wow, that's extreme. It's like, you know, and it was, and so then I remember the ad for it was like, Oh, action park. So they had all their workers do those ads, by the way. Oh, really? And the owner's daughter is the one that made them. You learn that in the documentary. So the first I heard about it was in the 90s.

Before computers, it was, though, viral. I guess when we first got email, maybe. But even before then, you'd hear about stories about all the injuries there. Yeah. And then when we got email, they got passed around all these written accounts of the unbelievable amount of injuries that took place at the park. Yeah. So this documentary finally comes around and it's nuts how unsafe this park was.

It's nuts how unsafe this park was. My parents used to drop us off there when we were like, I don't know, like nine. And they'd go to a bar across the street and they would drink all day. And they had a thing where there was different colored mats. And some of them were all-day mats. They were black. And then they had different colored for like hourly or whatever. They would give us the black all-day mat, and it was these Italian kids. And at the top of the tube of the water slide, you were supposed to lay down, feet first, and go down.

These Italian kids would get a running start and go head first into the tube. And when you hit the bottom, which was supposed to be a small grade to give you a little bit of jump, And when you hit the bottom, which was supposed to be a small grade to give you a little bit of jump. Yeah. Head first going fucking 20 yards through the air into like a pool that was three feet deep. They have the footage of all of that. Oh, really? Oh, all the footage.

It's incredible. Yeah. And you know who used to go there? Is his name Chris? Is it Gethard? Gethard? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you pronounce his last name? Gethard. Gethard? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you pronounce his last name?

Gethard. Gethard, I think. Anyway, great comic. He's in the documentary because he grew up in Jersey and used to go there all the time. Yeah. And so he talks about his experiences there. And listen, it's a little, I didn't like the tone of the documentary that much. It's like a 90-minute documentary, one part.

But then it takes a turn and tonal shift when things get more serious, which they do about three-quarters of the way through. But, I mean, you can't believe there weren't way more deaths. You're shocked. Yeah. Did they have go-karts there also? Oh, yeah. Those really fast go-karts, right? And speedboats.

And the speedboats. Oh, right, right. The speedboats would go through. They also had a kayaking little river. And to create the rapids, their goal was, let's make this kayaking a little more sort of treacherous and dangerous. Well, mission accomplished. They electrocuted someone to death because they installed underwater fans that

created currents and rapids, but they weren't grounded. So Jersey, that's so Jersey. I love it. It starts off with this loop, this big, you just have to see it. that then a giant like 25 foot loop, you would go up and around and then get shot out forward. Yeah. And it wasn't perfected. First of all, if you were too large, you couldn't go on it because you get stuck in the tube.

If you were too small, you couldn't go on it because you didn't, your mass didn't generate enough velocity going down to get you up over the tube and you'd get caught. There was a hatch up top to get people out who got caught up top.

But if you were the perfect size, what happened is you would go through, but you would only, you'd be sucked against the outside of the tube for so long, but then you would drop and it was very painful. So then they installed pads in it to prevent that, but it was still so brutal. And then they started finding that people would come out of the pads and they were all scratched up when they'd get through the tube. They were all scratched up and bleeding. And they're like, what's causing that? There are no rivets. We made sure. And they saw that in the pads embedded were people's teeth who had fallen out when they smashed into them. And the teeth were scraping the next group of people going through. Holy shit.

Yeah. And you know what's crazy is if that place opened today, sold out, people would fucking love it. They put up a good defense that this was the 80s. This is when the eighties were the last time kids kind of like what you're saying, your parents would just drop you off. That kids were unsupervised and can do whatever they want. They were outside. All these kids talked about biking there without their parents knowing. And it was also a, Hey, listen, here's an amusement park.

It can be dangerous. Okay? And it can be dangerous, but you can push it, like you were talking about those kids taking the running start, or you'll be safe if you don't push it. But that's our park. And there's kind of like an interesting defense made for that a little bit. But I do know this, tons of people would do these rides who couldn't swim. They would do the rope swing. They'd shoot out of this water slide 10 feet above water and fall in. And then if you started to drown, you were saved. This is so funny. You were saved by a lifeguard who's barely paying attention. And when you were saved, they would ask you what happened?

Like, why, why did I just pull you out of the bottom of the pool? And when they would say that they weren't strong swimmers or they couldn't swim, the lifeguard put a specially made bracelet on that had the initials CFS and it was black. And that was a heads up to all the other lifeguards when they saw a black bracelet in their line. They had to pay more attention because CFS officially stood for can't fucking swim. So Jersey can't fucking swim the best. And I, I paused the documentary saying like, that is not what it officially stands for. And I can't come up with what those initials could possibly stand for other than that. I think they really do stand for that.

I don't know what was more dangerous, us hurling ourselves down these ramps into shallow water or being driven home by my parents who were drinking highballs at Rusty's Saloon for seven hours that afternoon. had like an Oktoberfest like tent and stuff dismantled and the brewery, I think, I'm not kidding, and set up there. So they had this giant and they had huge Irish fests for St. Patrick's Day and all these holidays. And then very big German brew fest with authentic German bands. So everyone was getting hammered. They showed the parking lot and I could see your car and they're like all those. They did have the right cars in the eighties for drinking and driving though. They were like tanks.

Yeah. Giant metal, you know, cars. Right. Right. And, uh,

and the bar across the street, I remember it was at the time, the largest bar in America, like the actual physical bar itself. It was like a loop and it was the longest bar in America. Yeah. Oh, you guys will love this then. You guys tell your sister, tell your brother to watch it. Great. That's great. Um, all right, Mike, let's hit some sports. As we said, it's the, the, the sports section is getting longer and longer these days.

I mean, think about it. Right now we got football, hockey, basketball, golf, tennis. And forgettable baseball. And baseball. Yep. And we'll see because I could be wrong, but I think basketball is the safest in terms of COVID. Right.

So we'll see what happens to the other ones. But right now, well, it's Sunday today. We have to pretend. And so I guess, whatchamacallit, are you going to watch Tampa Bay? Yeah, I can't wait to see. You know, they're not ranked very high. Oh, really? In the power rankings, they're not ranked very high. Oh, really? In the power rankings, they're in the bottom half.

Huh. But we'll see. With Gronkowski and Brady, they could explode out of the gate. Florida men. Right. So Thursday, though, kicked off the NFL season, and the Chiefs and the Texans were booed as racial justice, as the Black Lives Matter. And the, this headline said racial justice stand sparks outrage. So I'm mixed on this

story. The exact details of what happened, I'll just read this, were debated on social media, with some claiming that the boos were lingering from the Texans reentering the stadium. Kansas City Mayor Quinton Lucas, who is black and has attended racial justice protests, said that was just what he saw while at the game. So I don't know, but the media has taken the story and run with it, saying that the fans, the predominantly white fans in Kansas City were annoyed and booed. And certainly a lot of them did express that and clarified it. And one of them was the state senator. He said, because what happened was a lot of people were like, oh, what classless trash.

So Republican Missouri Senator Josh Howley said, classless trash. The left showing their usual contempt for middle America. Missouri has the best fans in the countries. Don't blame them for being tired of NFL slash corporate woke politics jammed down their throats. Is it jamming it down your throats that for one minute people are locking arms? Is that jamming it? Is it that offensive to you that you can't just, all right, you don't have to participate, but you can step back, fucking check your emails for one minute. Did I throw a hissy fit when everyone was wearing pink and it was for breast cancer when I'm pro breast cancer? No, right. Right. I just was quiet.

Yep. So I did want to read this cause I thought it was very well written. This guy, Ben Mathis, Lily at slate wrote it regarding the, uh, Josh Howley, the Senator.

It takes a visionary to realize that an NFL team called the chiefs, whose white fans do the tomahawk chop, and which is owned by one of the wealthiest oil and gas families in the country, the Hunts, whose leading scion, Clark, the CEO of the Chiefs, is a major donor to right-wing politicians, such as Josh Howley, can be used as an emblem of woke politics because they were, because they very grudgingly agreed to recognize for a literal moment that their black players are concerned about the frequency with which black Americans are killed by police officers. Wow. So I thought that nailed it. No, I know they fucking, they, know. They fucking, and I read the history of the Kansas City Chiefs.

The Kansas City Chiefs are actually based on a guy who had been the mayor of Kansas City. It wasn't even based on the Chiefs. It wasn't based on Native Americans. It was based on this guy who used to wear a headdress and the makeup and make fun of Native Americans. The team was named after him. So it's like, you know, if you're going to, Jesus Christ, I don't know. I'm tempted to dust off my Washington Redskins routine, but I'm not going to do it. So, yeah. So maybe not the best place to have the season start and to have the kind of take the temperature of these protests. But the NFL has totally co-opted it anyway.

So we'll see. Again, it's kind of a tough story to report because I didn't see it. And I bet some of the boos were not aimed at that. But according to the senator, they were righteous boos. Well, we'll hear from people about it, I'm sure. What else in sports? Serena, well, by now we'll know who won the finals of the U.S. Open, but my girl, I love Serena Williams.

She got knocked out of the semis. Oh, I didn't even know that. Who beat her? This woman from, like, Belarus. She's real powerful, real fast. She wasn't ranked very high. But she, as a matter of fact, I think she was not even the top 100. But she just won a tournament prior to the U.S. Open.

But she had some kind of a foot injury and then they have to take her shoe off and you got to look at serena's fucking foot and it's like so mangled she they're all mangled they're all mangled i remember at some point borg you know who was gorgeous by all accounts took his off and they were just the most i I mean, they didn't have high-tech sneakers back then either. But those guys, especially tennis and I think basketball, like there's no more sport with pivoting and running absolutely full speed

and trying to stop and go the opposite direction immediately. Anyway, they're all ratchet. So just defending her a little. All right. All right. All right. Let's get to some science, Mike. Okay, go for it. Your story first.

My story. Yeah, we got two animal stories here. Yeah. So there was just this study that said hearing, quote, I love you from their owner makes pups heart rate skyrocket by 46% of study shows. Wow. That's all. Well, I think when the dog hears I love you drunkenly and with a southern drawl, that's when the heart rate really spikes and they try to run. I love you,

his jar of peanut butter in his hand. Did this really need to be a study? You see the goddamn tail wagging. You don't think the heart rate's going to go up? Right. Also, you want to know what, yeah. What else makes the heart rate go up uh roll up a newspaper and go you fucking bastard it's heart rate i bet beats 46 percent up

yeah i mean if we could take all the money that's spent on studies like this and put them towards fucking malnutrition in af. Yeah. So ridiculous. All right, what was the elephant story? It's kind of similar in a way. There's this elephant in a zoo in Pakistan and they were trying to move it to a sanctuary in Cambodia. Jesus Christ, why? And so they were having a hard time and he was unhappy and so the way they calmed him

down was they cheered him up by singing frank sinatra songs and when and when the elephant heard my way he became much more docile and easy to work with and it's like i don't know if i if i'm trying to work with a 10 10 ton elephant i don't think i want to i don't think you want to expose them to my way maybe play you twos i will follow yeah they elephants know when to act up they have they definitely have a fuse oh yeah they're smart They're smart as shit. They really are. Like that, I wonder. I 100% would think singing would soothe them if they're into it. They're smart.

I think also, if we're trying to raise money for malnutrition in Africa, why don't we also take them, why don't we not transport fucking elephants from one country to another? Are you shitting me yeah why is it being trans yeah i have no idea but there's no reason for it sanctuary sounds nice in cambodia a little less nice right now that sounds more like a buffet table if you're an elephant uh this is another story in science we're in the science section uh there's evidence that about as early as seven days before an attack of of a and of a stroke

before before having a stroke um there are messages sent to the brain. So you know a week before you're having a stroke that you're going to have the stroke, which is convenient. You can up that life insurance policy. Right. So you smell... Yeah. Sorry, I'm just thinking.

So I called the doctor once. Did you know this? When I was working on this show, I smelt, um, cigarette smoke. Yeah. And I assumed cause there were animators on the show and those, those fat bastards smoked. And I was thinking it came through the air vent, you know, in the building and I was getting it in my office. So then I, uh, I Google it and they're called olfactory hallucinations. And, um, they're like, it could be a sign, but the interesting thing is, this is what I learned when you smell something that's not there. So when you smell something that's not there, or you see something that's not there, smell something that's not there or you see something that's not there, that's usually not a stroke. That's a, what is it called? It's another- A silent but deadly?

It's basically another brain fart, which is a, not a stroke, a seizure. It's a seizure. Is that like when they say you smell toast? That means you're having a seizure or a stroke? Well, not a stroke from what I learned. A stroke is when things are missing. It's when you don't see something or when you don't smell something. I could be wrong, but those are generally. So anyway, I call our health insurance, which you have my health insurance as well. I call them and I'm just like, and normally it's like, I get someone, I don't even know where they are. I'm like, yeah, I want to see my doctor on Sawtelle. And they're like, all right, let's see. What is it? They, they're okay. You know, the two weeks he has an appointment. So I go, they're like, what's the problem? Like, well, I think I'm smelling cigarette smoke when it's not there.

They're like, hold. And all of a sudden nurse on the phone, tell me more about this. Okay. Can you come in first thing tomorrow morning? No, I never. And I was like, oh no, now I wasn't worried at all. Now I'm worried. So, uh, yeah, they had me go get a brain scan. Wow. And meanwhile, all right, so, you know, I was with the doctor. They did a brain scan, right? My grandmother died of Alzheimer's. My mom's terrified of it. I'm forgetful as fuck, which I know is unrelated, but I'm pretty convinced I'll get it. So, meanwhile, she is looking at the scan of my brain on her two-, big computers. And I'm like, so, uh,

how does it look? And she will only talk that it looks, she doesn't see any activity of a seizure or anything like that. But I was like, uh, well, how's the rest look like, you know, I know there are images like where you see blood flow or you see like a dead zone, like a coral reef that's dying. I'm like, am I a coral reef? And she's like, no, no, no, no, you're not. It occurs to me, I talk about medical stuff too much on this. I never, ever go to the doctor or hospital, but anyway, sometimes it makes for a good story. It'd be so funny if like you get transferred to a nurse, you go in the first thing in the morning, the whole thing costs you fucking eight grand. And then you're in your office that afternoon and some writer from the next show comes walking in with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth. Hey, you guys got any toner for the printer?

The problem was I started smelling it at home too. So something's going on, they think, but there might just be little synapses. But I'm like, yeah, so is the new Apple Watch going to tell us? Because I don't listen to any messages my body sends me. Yeah. That would be good. If the Apple Watch could tell you're having a heart attack, because then it could also make a reservation at a hospital for you.

Wait, you know, you're joking. That's exactly, you know, they already do. No. And, well, not the, they call an ambulance. They can call help for you. Wow. And it can tell if you're having a heart attack. No shit.

Yep. Damn. I believe the new one does that. Yeah. How many years are we from having the chip in our brain? Well, that's what it is. It's a chip on your wrist. Yeah. And we talked about that in science many episodes ago, but Elon Musk is putting those chips in and they're in animals

already successfully, I think. And if you're Italian, you've had a chip on your shoulder since you were born. Let's do some business. A lot of making fun of the Italians today, huh? United Airlines is suing, is being sued, sorry, for packing the NFL charters, the charter planes, with young blonde crews. Woo-hoo. Well, you're assuming they're women. They are.

United Airlines Holdings packs its charter flights for sports teams with young blonde crews and bars older flight attendants from working the plum roots, according to a new lawsuit. The flight attendants, a black woman who has worked for the airline for 28 years and a Jewish woman with 34 years of tenure, say that they both tried repeatedly and unsuccessfully to get assigned to work these charter flights, which I read the article have a lot of benefits. First of all, there's, I think, a different pay structure and all that. Also, you then get like special tickets to the games are often offered to you and all this. And I think you stay in a higher tier of hotel. So they said they were unable to get work on the charters because they weren't on quote preferred lists that were based on team preferences. According to the complaint, they said they later discovered that young white blonde attendants with less seniority were given

the assignments. United created a despicable situation, the woman said in the complaint. It's as if decades of laws and policies preventing discrimination based on age, race and ancestry and gender simply did not exist. This is another example of the whole woke bullshit happening. I mean, the truth is the younger stewardesses are better about giving you warm nuts in first class. It's just, it's just fact. Meanwhile, the NFL said, yes, no, listen, we totally hear them and we support the flight attendants of United Airlines. And what's the number at American Airlines? Because if those two old bags are on this flight, this is with my mojo. I, I wonder if maybe United is doing it cause they get a little taste. They get to wet their beak on these paternity suits when the flight attendants get pregnant. They get a percentage.

We've gone down a... Now these young perky blondes are sleeping with them? I don't know about that. Well, they did make the bathrooms bigger on the flight, so I don't know what that means. That seems weird. My Uncle John, you know, who's hysterical from the Bronx, his whole life in the Bronx, I think, he's the one that worked on the Twin Towers in 9-11.

Happy 9-11, by the way. So anyway, I remember very early on, it was probably the 80s, and there was a lawsuit against the Fire Department of New York. And I think it was a class action. I probably have some of this wrong, but this is a story I remember. And it was a lawyer representing Puerto Rican

applicants to the fire department who were rejected. And it was because they were rejected because according to the fire department they couldn't carry up they were they were small too small in stature i guess and not strong enough technically to carry sure dummies up the ladders and down the ladders and i remember my uncle just being like oh great so now so now look at. My uncle was like 240 pounds and like six foot three. And he's like, oh, so great. Now this little Puerto Rican is going to win the lawsuit and he can't, now we both fall down the ladder. But he raised kind of an interesting point,

which I think, I think the law has carved out. If there is a physical need that does, that can be a disqualifying quality, can it? I always thought so in the military, like the Navy SEALs have never had a woman. And I don't- Is that true? Yeah. They've never had a woman. It just seems logical. I mean, look, I've seen some incredibly capable women in the military, on the police. I mean look i've seen some incredibly capable women in the military on the police i mean i've seen videos of them doing everything a man can do on an obstacle course cagney lacey of course lifting yeah right charlie's angels duh right melissa mccarthy and sandra bullock they were fucking great yep um so So, yeah, it does

stay. But I always love when it's like, well, it's not fair that they're not allowed to be in the military or whatever. And it's like, okay, how about this? How about one of the families that always hires my daughter to babysit, how about you let my son babysit?

Like, we had a family call us to see if Jojo could babysit and we said she can't do it tonight she has a flute lesson Owen's available and they went okay let us get back to you on that oh I would have done the same thing because he's a rapist yes because he's a boy rapist so okay so where's the double standard there So where's the double standard there? I would never let a boy babysit my girls when they were younger. No way.

Yeah. No way. And I know that doesn't just going with women doesn't solve the problem necessarily, but I believe it solves most of it. Don't you agree? As does not having a Puerto Rican girl who can't carry a fucking 200-pound guy up a ladder. Now he's a girl? Wait a minute.

What is going on here? That sounds like not a 1970s or 80s issue. That sounds more contemporary. Oh, I thought you were talking about women this whole time. No. I'm sure that's happened. Oh, just that the Puerto Ricans. No, I'm sure that's happened. Or just that the Puerto Ricans were smaller. I'm sure that's happened since.

Oh, I got you. I got you. But in the early 80s or late 70s, the first case, I think, it was just regarding men. Oh, okay. Got it. Yeah. I should pay attention to the whole story you read. No, no, no.

This is the ADHD Sunday papers. By the way, it's the same issue. Yeah. Right. So, what do we got? is the ADHD Sunday Papers. By the way, it's the same issue. Yeah. Right. So, all right, what do we got? Let's do an Ask Amy. You got it. Dear Amy, my mother is adamant that, well, this is a little bit related.

Dear Amy, my mother is adamant that the two sons of her recently deceased second husband attend his military funeral. One son, who she calls L, is a convicted sex offender. My mother remarried when her and her new husband's children were adults in their 20s. Three children each, so it's a little hard to follow. So one of them is the one writing this letter. L sexually abused his brother's daughter, my brother's daughter, and his own daughter, and exposed himself to my daughter. All victims were tweens when he sexually abused.

Oh, were tweens. When he sexually abused his daughter's friend, the police arrested him. His prison term ended last year. What? How the fuck does that prison term end? Not only that, it wasn't until he sexually abused the daughter's friend that the police arrested him. Jesus. My mother's late husband championed the offender saying, quote, he earned back his trust without ever saying how.

He insisted that we all welcome him back into the family. My mother has brought this under the heading of Christian forgiveness, you know, like moving priests. That was not in the letter. Frankly, I do hope the best for the offender. I want him to live a productive life and never hurt anyone again. I am not out for retribution. I just need him to never be in my life. His actions broke a trust that cannot be mended. His membership to the family terminated when he abused our most vulnerable. My mother is livid that the offender's brother will not go to the funeral if he is there.

I will not go if he is there. What is the right thing to do? Signed, won't forget. I don't know. You could consider letting him come, but only if you're going to put two fucking bullets in the guy's head afterwards. Fuck this guy.

He should not be out of jail. And where is the father? I mean, first of all, the mother should want to kill him too, but guys are usually the ones that, you know, snap to violence first, even if it's righteous. Right, right. Yeah, they better have an empty plot next to the father to put this new guy in if the other dads are going to be there.

Yeah. Or if I were there. And all the victims are going to be there and she wants him to attend? And there's such a high success rate with pedophiles. Like they're just cured, especially in prison. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's no recidivism whatsoever. It's, oh, that's sick. Well, listen, Amy, uh, what did she say?

Don't go. And she cannot be angry at you for not going. I mean, firstly, the guy shouldn't go. The family should all agree that the guy shouldn't go, I think, because he's selfishly going to do it if he knows he's going to prevent others from going. But she said, absolutely, you do not attend that. Unbelievable. There you go.

Thanks for bringing up such a cheery-ass gamey, Mike. You got it. It's a good one. Let's just listen to her email. All right, what do we got? First one comes from a woman named Joanne. I seem to have a crush on you two. Wait a minute, I'm married. Yeah, I don't know.

I was married. Oh, that's true. Yeah, so I don't know. This seems inappropriate, maybe. Yeah, it's halfway inappropriate. You can have a crush on Mike, but why don't you just respect me as a man? Don't treat me like some blonde flight attendant. Thank you, Joanne.

You want to read the one from Johnny in Comox? Yeah, is that supposed to be dirty in Comox 5? First of all, the first four in Comox were taken, but I'm bush. Man, every time I see Greg, I'm like hey i like that guy so i click and start watching to only realize i was thinking about tom papa you know i love tom so i'm flattered by that but at the same time, as a fellow bald guy, I feel like it's kind of stereotyping. Maybe, maybe. I get that with Todd Barry also. I look nothing like Tom Papa or Todd Barry, but we're bald. Right. Get past it, people. And funny, and you're funny. There's also a guy on 95.5 in LA who's on the evening shift, Greg T something. And he sounds so much like Tom Papa,

but he's Tom Papa's worst nightmare because the guy is so corny and so fucking lame. And I constantly like record him on the radio and I'm going to start sending the clips to Tom Papa. I already bust his balls about it. Tom's great do animated voices because his voice is so good for like yeah i think he was in b movie oh he did yeah well that makes sense with seinfeld yeah right oh you want to read the next one people have uh oh somebody wrote in uh when you were complaining, people have no money to buy food right now, Mike. My foot hurts. He got me. And then I was talking about this brain scan that I didn't even want.

It sounds like I'm at the doctor all the time. You know me. If anything, I neglect my health issues like my voice that you're hearing right now. At least we've become more sympathetic by talking about the times that we've flown in private jets. Thank goodness. Gentlemen, this comes from Tom Schnur. Schnur is a Yiddish word that means somebody who's kind of like a freeloader. Wait, I know a Tom Schnur.

Maybe this is him. I went to high school with him. Really? Yep. And then I don't know if he listens, but how many Tom Schnurs can there be? Was he kind of a leech? No. Okay. Not at all. Gentlemen, love the podcast. Thank you. On Thursday, you were talking about Ford's appointment to vice president. Fun fact about Gerald Ford. He's the only person to have served as both vice president and president of the United States

without being elected to either office. The Tom I know did like fun facts and he was smart. He was the smartest guy in our class. So maybe- Right, because Ford, we still never established how Ford ended up as vice president after, was it Spiro Agnew was indicted?

Yeah, he was jettisoned because of the tax and corruption, yeah. So he got to be VP without running on a ticket, and then obviously he stepped up when Nixon stepped down. So lucky him. There it is. You know the sad thing, and I know it's been talked about a lot, but, you know, he's the clumsy president, you know, and Chevy Chase portrayed him as always tripping and fumbling. Meanwhile, easily one of the most athletic presidents. Is that true?

Played college football for Michigan. No shit. Oh, no, no. He might actually be the most athletic president. I'm trying to think who else would be didn't um did reagan play he was a lifeguard or some bullshit who cares that fucking guy yeah who else was uh did nixon play baseball Did Nixon play baseball?

No. George Bush Jr. and Sr. both were good at baseball. Although George Bush Jr., which is not his name, was a cheerleader, I think. Oh, that's right. He was a cheerleader. Was he a cheerleader at Yale? Yeah, he was a cheerleader at Yale. High school? Oh, was he?

Yeah. Obama was good at basketball Is good at basketball Sounds racist maybe It does Yeah it does Do you think if you're black I think Chappelle used to do a bit about Not wanting white people to see him eating watermelon

Well I had that instinct When Obama was running And you could just hear The giant racist machine grinding up. I'm like, don't just play golf, please. Like, don't invite the press to watch you play basketball. But maybe he outsmarted everybody because I guess that was in a way it could have teased them out because nobody called him on it. Right, right. was in a way it could have teased them out like because nobody called him on it right right but mr liberal here apparently is the most racist because i called him out on it that's right uh we're gonna do a quick obituary this is uh not somebody who was in the public eye but on a personal level uh mike and i are very dear friends with uh mattoy, our buddy, and he lost his mom this week, Betsy, who is a very

sweet lady I got to spend a bunch of time with in her life. She just celebrated her 61st anniversary with the dad, and she's just one of these people that, you know, certain people go through

life, and they accomplish things in a quiet way, but they have effects on people's lives. She was a teacher who raised three boys and got her master's degree while raising them. So sweet, too. Yeah. And, you know, she worked at hospice when she got older. And then she interned. It was kind of full circle because she was under hospice at the end. But a wonderful lady.

And we send our wishes out to the family. Absolutely. Hang in there, Matt. Betsy Malloy, rest in peace. All right, let's do it. We always cheer up after the obituaries with some Sunday funnies. All right. Let's start out with a little, little hagger, little hagger, the horrible. All right. Let's start out with little Hager. Little Hager the Horrible. So this one isn't, he doesn't rape anybody. He doesn't abduct any women in this one.

But I just thought this was a really, Hager's just a fucking funny one. It's really well written. And so there's this couple and they're walking away from Hager and Helga and they look disgruntled. And Helga says to Hager, Hager, I told you to make the Olsens feel at home. I didn't say send them home. And he goes, I thought they would feel most at home if they were actually in their that's good so you see he's multi so not only is he a pillaging rapist but he's he's dim-witted he's dim-witted and a poor host he's not a two-dimensional character right now i know a

lot of douchey people like i know a guy whose father's pretty famous, and he's a famous douchebag in what he does for a living. And he happens to be, he's hosted me. He's the most elegant, generous host you've ever met, and the best father and husband you've ever met, but a fucking screaming asshole in the workplace. Wow. Hager's both. Hager's a shitty husband and host

as well as being a marauding rapist. All right, what do we got next? We got a little Andy Cap. Always love the way they treat each other. Andy and his wife. First frame is a cloud with stars popping out of it and feet and fists coming out of it.

So there's a brawl going on. There's two people punching each other. And there's a talk bubble that says, hey, look, hey, look at the time. We're supposed to be visiting those new people. Cut to the second frame, Andy and his wife walking arm in arm down the street. Third frame, come in, make yourselves comfortable.

Treat it like it was your own home. Once again, cloud, fists and feet coming out of it. They're beating the shit out of each other. Kind of similar to Hager. It's very similar. Yeah. I like this one better. I like that one better.

We got a little family circus. Always a classic. Maybe you can help me out. I've never seen one like this. This one. Is this conceptual? This seems like Jeff Keen took acid this week. So what it is for the listeners is there's a pizza pie, a giant pizza pie that takes up the whole circle like a clock. So you're seeing this pizza pie like a clock. And then there's one slice out. And behind that one slice, kind of like a window, you see the mom's face. And the quote underneath it is, face and the quote underneath it is billy i told you not to touch the pizza till the others got here so weird but let's say it wasn't even a weird drawing because now he's just shitting in the drawing as well as what's written. Yeah. Like let's say the drawing wasn't challenging and it was, she finds a piece of pizza on the kitchen counter.

And so that's what this comic is. Billy, I told you not to touch the pizza till the others got here. Like the kid ate a piece of pizza. Yeah. So at what point in the creative process is that not eliminated for everyone else? It, first of all, it wouldn't have been a thought. It wouldn't have even been a thought that needed to get rejected. It would have been like, Oh, that was just a thought that

is nothing to do with my job or my responsibilities right now like that's a thought that people eat things before they're like like a birthday cake or oh my god did you have a piece of the wedding cake that would be funnier probably before the bride and groom yeah so that doesn't even so then you have to be like, oh, silly me. I actually, my brain was actually processing this non-thought as something I could use in my work, which would elicit sort of an emotional reaction, like a laugh from the reader and viewer. No, like as comedy writers, you are told, because people talk about writer's block,

and the way you don't have writer's block is you vomit out the first draft. You literally, I'll sit down with a piece of paper, my screen on my computer, and I just type. I just type shit, garbage. Yeah, you did today. I saw some of it today. That's right.

We use a Google draft, and I actually get self-conscious about that because I write stuff that I delete, and I know Mike's judging me. No, no, no. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But no, and then you take it out, but he literally, that's what he puts out. He doesn't then, I literally will get rid of 90% of what I first write. then I literally will get rid of 90% of what I first write.

I mean, maybe it's an incredibly coded subconscious message to himself like, oh no, Jeff, is it Jeff we think did it? Oh no, Jeff, you gave the first piece of shit slice to the readers. That wasn't for them that was supposed to be held back and when they get here we'll have a piece of pizza that's ready and worthy of them reading it i get the sense jeffen perhaps hates his fucking boss and is locked into a multi-year contract he's trying to get out of. Well, now I like Jeff Keen. I like that spin on this. Yeah.

Like, I'll show them. Before we do Blondie, I want to read a piece of email that we got. This is from a guy named Lawrence Tarpey. My friend Frank Cummings, who passed away in 2014, drew the Blondie comic strip six days a week for years. Dean Young, creator Chick Young's son, inherited the strip. Talk about being born on third base.

Dean and his daughters write the strip now. Not a bad gig. For years, Blondie was the second most syndicated strip in the world, right behind what? Don't say it.

Family Circus. Oh my God. That's amazing that you knew the guy that I want to know more. I want to know what this guy was like. Was he perverted was he a beautiful man uh what else did he draw i want to see his other drawings if he could draw blondie

this guy was on to something speaking of which hot blondie this is. This is a eight-panel strip, so stay with me. Dagwood is standing in pajamas that have donuts on them while his lovely wife is already settled into bed with her back to him. He says, I'm sure I remember. She says, no, I don't think so. He says, it was exactly three years ago, but on a Monday. She says, three years ago, Sunday afternoon. He says, honey, I'm positive it but on a Monday. She says, three years ago, Sunday afternoon. He says, honey, I'm positive it happened on a Monday.

No, dear, it was a Sunday in the afternoon. He says, there's no way it happened in the afternoon. She says, it was a rainy Sunday afternoon, sweetheart. He says, a rainy day, no way. She suddenly turns, and as she turns, you see her right shoulder slip out from the blue cover. And with her perfect profile, she says, Honey, can you believe we're actually arguing about such a trivial thing? He says, you're absolutely right. Let's drop it.

He climbs into bed. She sits up. She has on a rose-colored negligee. Both straps have now fallen off her shoulders. The straps are down, yeah. They're down. They're down. And her arms are crossed across her breasts. Like, look, if you want these, just crawl in here, tiger.

So then he gets in and he says, good night, honey. She says, good night, sweetheart. There is a full armed embrace although his hands seem to be patting her on the back the way you would your niece after she hit puberty and she has tits that you don't want to touch and now they get back in a bed and now they're back to back and he says actually it could have been a sunday and she, wait, it was a Thursday. You know what this date was? It was the last time she fucked this miserable piece of shit.

It's the last time she provided pussy for this fucking child of a man who wears donuts to bed. And in her mind, it was such a dark experience it was actually raining. It was raining. And not WAP raining. Not wet-ass pussy raining. No. Raining outside. It was raining. And not WAP raining.

Not wet-ass pussy raining. Raining outside. That's it. Mike, we hit one hour and 40 minutes on the tits once again. Good Lord. It's not like we ever look at the clock while we're recording this. It just always happens. Yeah, I think so.

Well, now there's football. I wonder if our listenership goes down. We'll see. Or up. If you are watching football, don't forget, go to mybookie.com, put in code PAPERS, and get yourself $1,000 in matching money for your deposit. Also, don't forget our other sponsor, which is txmq.com slash sundaypapers. Let them get involved in your business for all of your software needs,

including cybersecurity and IT staffing. Mike, have a wonderful week. Maybe we'll play a little paddle tennis this week. What do you think? I think so. I think so. Everybody hang in there, especially if you're on the West Coast.

Jeez. Yeah. And what else? Yeah, watch The Vow on HBO. I recommend it. And of course, Action, Class Action Park.

And Twilight. Get your family together. Have a couple good laughs. All right. All righty, people. Hang in there Take it Wrap it up Fold the corners

Throw it in the air Like a paper airplane Stuff your bra with it Stuff your pants with it Stuff your shoes with it Reread it Reread it later Put it in the attic for 20 years

And then go Holy shit Remember this? Put it on Silly Putty Read the paper Put the comics on Silly Putty. Read the paper. Put the comics on Silly Putty. All right. Take it easy. Take it easy.

Sunday fucking papers! Sunday fucking papers Sunday fucking papers Andy Kemp is a goddamn hero Bill Keen is a fucking zero One of these bloodies asshole I wanna see her tits One of these bloodies pussy That would heal a piece of shit One of these bloodies asshole, wanna see those tits One of my buddies' pussy, Dagwood, you piece of shit Sunday fucking paper

Sunday fucking paper They'll probably get the fat fuck, who gives a fuck Bad baby's bloody, making Dagwood his cock Dagwood, you piece of shit Dagwood, you piece of shit Dagwood, you piece of shit Dagwood, you piece of shit Sunday fucking papers

Sunday fucking papers I am standing live my fault I better ask this you That I did so small I want to block these assholes I want to see those tits Want to block this pussy That one you piece of shit

Want to block these assholes