Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 282 10/5/25

Episode Date: October 5, 2025

Greg is almost arrested on a felony in Alaska, Puffy is going away, Sydney Sweeney has a new bo and a Florida man eats his peacock. Visit RocketRX now and use code PAPERS30 for 30% off your first order -⁠⁠⁠⁠ https://rebrand.ly/30a009⁠⁠ Watch Greg’s latest special, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠“You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest” Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Find Mike on Venmo here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTime⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Make sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram:  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmons⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Mike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sunday Papers is the place for me. New stories that are fucking free. You can hear if it's facts or a boozy prize. Mike and Greg are fucking funny guys. Oh, Sunday Papers. Read all about. Oh, Sunday Papers. Read all about it.

There he goes. There he goes. Sunday Papers, extra, extra. We got stories from our lives mixed in with the new. the news. That's what you listen to, right? Wow. You know, this week, first of all, I didn't, I'm always hesitant. I'm like, oh, I got to get the energy to do this. And then I saw one person's letter to us that was so inspiring and nice. Yes. Was the guy from Canada? Yeah, we get a lot of those and I should forward more to them to you than I do. You better because I'm almost out, man. I'm

almost out of energy and motivation. And then I read something like that. Well, we're out of money. We're out of money. And then Rob rating at a loss. Yeah. And then Reby told me about two executives he talked to about project. And my name came over like, oh, yeah, I listen every week to that.

And the best was. And Ruby's like, get out of here. Yeah. No, I'm telling you, like Judd Apatow listens. every week. He emails me all the time. Greg Garcia listens to our show. All right. I'm going to start to be funny then. Oh, my God. No, this is an industry must listen. Oh, Lordy Lou. All right. So I'm in Alaska. Tell us about Alaska. Well, first of all, they're very excited because this is the week that they get there. They get like a stimulus check from the

government, which normally is like $3,000 a person. So you have a family of, you know, four, you get 20 grand. Is that still happening in these days? They still get it, but it's down this year. But, but it's so funny because this is a deep red state. And all they talk about is fucking socialism in California. It's like, you guys are literally the most socialist state in the country. Yeah. But they have the northern lights this time of the year, which are beautiful. I have not seen them, but I have a wake-up call.

They do this at the hotel. This is amazing. You sign up, and if the northern lights come out at three in the morning, they call your room, and then everybody in the hotel marches outside, and you sit there and you look at the northern lights together. How's that job for the kid at the front desk? It's like, because I think it's almost like you're going to bed and you're like, you know what? It is like when you're at home alone.

You're like, I'm going to wake up at fucking 5.30 like Rocky and go jogging. It's the new me starting tomorrow, right? And then the alarm goes off and like, you're an idiot. Like, what were you thinking? I'm exhausted and you shut it off angrily. I wonder if that's what happens to this poor kid. Calls people who are like, yes, of course call me at 3.15 in the morning. if the sky gets brighter.

Yeah, and you go outside and, you know, your body is warmed. You got bed warmth, you know, that's different than walking around your apartment and then going outside. Yeah, it's Alaska bed warmth, too, which is a higher quality. Yeah. So I got, you know, you get lonely. I usually go away for three nights. This was four nights. Plus, it's like an eight-hour flight to get up here.

And I'm staying in a hotel that's, it's a little. little dated. It's a sweet, which is nice, but it's from the 70s. And there's a sadness about it. So anyway, I go away for that extra day on that three days I can do in my sleep. It's no problem. Four days, I go dark. It's a big extra day. So I'm listening to Neil Diamond, who by the way, just, I mean, when people talk about the great singer-songwriters that this nation has put out? Seriously, dude. No, no, he, listen.

There's no debating if he's a good songwriter. He's, and a great performer. He's fucking amazing. Yeah. And so I'm listening, and here's, here's it. And then these lyrics, I started to cry. All right, I started. And I've heard these lyrics a million times.

I'm reading them and I'm like, you know, I never thought about them. Yeah, I am said I. And it's, but I got an emptiness deep inside. and I've tried, but it won't let me go. And I'm not a man who likes to swear, but I never cared for the sound of being alone. I am, I said, to no one there, and no one heard at all, not even the chair.

And that last line sounds silly like a filler, like did he run out of rhymes? No, when you have deep depression like I do, you start to actually look at inanimate objects, and you're jealous of them because they don't have emotions. Oh, boy. I'm telling you, when I'm deeply depressed and I see someone walking their dog, I go darker because I think, how can they do that?

How did they get up? How did they get the collar on? Why are they able to? And then you look at it's like, it's hard to explain what an inanimate object means to you when you have depression, but he's fucking, he's got. Got it. All I know is Neil Diamond's got it. Wow. That's insightful. Yeah, I have never gotten to that level. But, you know, Greg, I need you to hear from me. If you ever get down to that level, you need to pick up the phone.

Call me. I'll put my chair on. My chairs will talk to you. You son of a bitch. They will hear you. You son of a bitch. You had me. You had me. but also listen we'll make it a group a group call i'll get on also you'll get on the whole dining room set yeah i got my table here no i'll also be on come on i'm a friend i'll i'll supervise the whole conversation i'll sit on the chair yeah um the uh but you know he went to grammar school with barbara strican oh i know yeah and uh witty allen went to that high so rasmus right No shit. And I think, well, I don't think. I know my wife's father went to that school because he grew up with Woody Allen. He was like one of his best friends. Well, you know who else is Jill, my mother ex-in-law, my mother-ex-law. I don't even know how you'd say it, but I love her. And you love her and she loves you.

She's great. And she is a wild one. If I imitated the way she talked, I would immediately be accused of being in. anti-Semitic. Yes, she is Jewish. It's exactly like coffee talk, which he was doing an impersonation of his mother-in-law. But not just the accent, but the attitude, the Jewish attitude that I love, which is just like say whatever comes across your mind, they will, if you want to know, everybody gets caught up and going to therapy and reading self-help, who am I? Who am i talk to jill for 15 minutes and you'll know who you are she will tell you oh my god no and she's the best and just just shoots such a new yorker it's great so here's arrasmus oh where is it uh it's not only strisanne and neil diamond uh barbara stanwick micky spillane bobby fisher clive

dave davis wow yeah and i believe i'm pretty sure in brooklyn Mr. Konigsberg, Woody Allen went there too. Yes. I think it's in the, it's a, it's a Russian kind of a neighborhood. It's a Jewish, Russian Jew kind of a neighborhood. I want to say Brighton Beach. I think it's next to Brighton Beach, which Woody Allen did famously Brighton Beach memoir is one of his movies. Al Davis. I didn't know that. Wow. Yeah, let's see who else. A lot of other people I should probably know. They have a big, list here. All right. So, so listen, so we're talking about, I want you to give me your full attention because this next story, you asked me, I told you that I was going to go on an Alaska

adventure while I was up here. It's fall. It's kind of the perfect time of the year. It's in the, it's in the low 30s, so it's doable. But the animals are at, anyway. So here's my story. And I am not making up one word of this. This happened to me yesterday. I talked to this guy, Jerry, who runs the club, and he says, I got a guy that's a fan of yours that happens to be one of the famous Alaskan outdoorsman. His family for 81 years has had a company that sells ATVs, snowmobiles, whatever. The guy has been on reality shows about survival.

He won a reality show about survival. And this guy is going to take me out on an adventure. And so I'm like immediately, I'm soft. I'm from New York in L.A. I'm not outdoorsy. And immediately I'm thinking, all right, this motherfucker, I'm going to be wet and cold. I don't have a change of pants. And which shoes should I wear? Like, I'm immediately pleasing out. And so the guy picks me up and he's gone. Meanwhile, he just wanted to storm the state capital. Right. I got to get some extra gas. We got a little drive ahead of it. So he shows up and he's got a Toyota Tundra, which is like this monster truck.

And he is towing a vehicle that looks like something you see racing on ESPN 12 on a mud track. It's got giant tires and and something like, all right, this looks fucking fun. And so we get in and we start driving. And he is, he's older than me. He's mellow as shit. He's telling me that they just sold the family business. he got a place done in Mexico and I'm like all right this is not the I picture this guy was going to be like a Joe Rogan bro who was going to break my back so I'm like all right I think I'm in good hands and so we're driving we see he goes do you want to see the we're talking about the Alaska pipeline it's like it's like 200 miles long and he's like do you want to see it I go fuck yeah so we drive down this side road and we get about halfway down I can see the pipeline and then behind us

the police lights go off. And we're getting told over and he goes, oh, this isn't good. And I go, I go, oh, we're going to find out you're like an international drug smith? And he goes, this isn't good. And I'm like, okay, so the cop pulls us over. He walks up.

This is going to foil his sexual plans with you. Already his boners going down. And so the cop walks up and he goes. And as he's walking up, the dude opens up, you know the little uh glove compartment between the two seats he opens it up and he hands me a bag of white powder which fucking spills and it goes all over my pants and my jacket and he goes hide this in the back hide this in the back i stick it in the back the cop walks up he goes and he goes the guy says did i do something and he goes uh let me see your license

registration so the guy says get it out of the glove compartment i opened the glove Harvard, there's a fucking baggie full of pills with $100 bills inside. And I go, what? And so I instinctively take my hand and I put it right up your ass. A little awkward in front of the cop. So I push it, I push it to the back of the glove compartment so he can't see it. And I get the registration and the cop immediately goes, what are you hiding? pull that out.

So I pull it out and I hand it to the cop. And it's like, okay, now I have just become an accessory to a felony by doing that one motion. So now the guy says to the driver, this guy Craig, he's like, do you have any outstanding warrants? And the guy goes, yes. And he goes, okay, step out of the car. And so he steps out of the car And he handcuffs him And then he walks him back to the car

And then you're looking for a gun to put in your mouth at this point Oh no no he's already asked him five times if he has a firearm in the car Yeah, I thought there was going to be a firearm in the glove box, yeah And so he walks him back, he comes back to the car again And he goes and he's standing by the back window, back rear And he goes, I'm not getting closer to you because that's fentanyl and I've got it on my fucking coat on my pants and I go are you fucking kidding me he goes who are you I go I am I go let me start at the top I met this guy 20 minutes ago I said I don't know him

I said I'm a comedian I'm performing here tonight and he goes give me your ID I give my license and he goes California he goes Los Angeles he goes this is a drug feeder state and I don't believe your story this sounds a little employee you're a comedian and you don't know this guy and you tried to hide those drugs and you've clearly got drugs on and he goes and he goes

are you feeling any of the effects and I did I felt immediately like fucking got I just felt out of my head and I was like yes and he goes I have a NARCAM shot thing so he says

all right get out of the car and I get out of the car hold on your pants and I'm walking shot right in the ass I spit my hand and I start walking back to the car and we get back there and then he opens up the back door where the guy is cuffed and the guy Craig gets out and they both look at me and they go, yeah, we're coming to your comedy show tonight.

And I fucking fell down. I was on all fours in the dirt road. Because it was also still fentanyl. I'm telling you, I felt it. I swear to God. And they got, and they, they started laughing. I, we laughed 90 minutes. We kept laugh because we kept retelling the, oh, and he had a dash camera.

It's all on camera. He's got the whole fucking thing. That's amazing. And I just, that is so well played, man. So, and this guy was a fucking cop that he was friends with. They set this up days in advance. Yeah, they fucking got me. That is fantastic.

Yeah, yeah. I was, am I forgetting anything? Oh, my God. Meanwhile, I'm going on stage that night, and my pants are covered in white powder, but I can't get out. So, I mean, the whole, so you told the whole place, the story? Oh, no. That wasn't even the whole story.

It was training day. I was fucking Ethan Hawke in training day. Then they go, we stop at the cop's house, and then he, He gets out of uniform, and we drive an hour to this hot spring that's owned by this guy, Bernie, who is legendary all over Alaska. He's a billionaire, and he built, he got this spa, and he built this resort around it. He's got greenhouses with organic plants. He's got, it's crazy. And so we go into these hot springs that are hotter than any hot tub you've been in.

and we go in and there's like hoses blasting your head and it's all fucking Asian people because they think it helps you get pregnant. Meanwhile, it kills the fucking sperm in your back. So we're hanging out there in the pool for like a half an hour and then we get out and we get dressed and now Bernie who is on fire. The guy is the funniest fucking dude you've ever met.

He rosa all the guests. You got a contact tie off of you. That's right. So we walk into, there's an ice. house on the ground it's it's the only continuously intact glass house in the world and you go in and there's a guy there who is the apparently the greatest ice sculptor in the world and there are these these ice sculptors you can't fucking believe like sword fights with perfect details uh and and we go in and then there's an ice bar and he gets behind the ice bar and he starts making

appletinis for the two guys and you're sitting on elk it's elk skin seats but the bar itself is ice and he's poor gay and the glasses the martini glasses are made of ice no they sit there and we start telling street jokes and he's pouring drinks and they each drink five or six appletinis and i'm sitting there going like this motherfucker's going to drive me an hour back you know and and and so so we're in there for an hour and a half and it's it's about 23 degrees inside the ice house so they give you these like marine level parkas that you wear while you're in there so we come out can i ask how is i mean is it a dumb question how does the ice stay ice in summer if he told me the whole process i can't remember but it involves a lot of different gases so so we go outside and

now the guy I'm with is stumbling. Like his bar room jokes at the end, he's forgetting the punch line. Now he gets behind the wheel of this monster truck and I just go, and I'm thinking I'll take an Uber. I'm not getting this fucking and so I go, hey man

how about I be the designated driver and he looks at me like it would never have occurred to me and he goes, hey that's a good idea. So now I'm behind this fucking truck and these two guys are in the back still laughing about the prank. and then they want to stop and they're feeding me they've got this it's copper

copper lake red salmon which is famously the most expensive salmon it's what you get at the best fucking delis and they're feeding me handfuls of this shit that they had caught last week and they've got fucking moose jerky they give me a stick of moose jerky that I'm chewing on I go I go see you shot a moose and he's like no and the copper goes, no, no, no, this was roadkill. We found it last week. I chew it on fucking roadkill. And so they get me back to the hotel.

Usually, I need to chill for a couple hours before a show. They drop me off about 10 minutes before my show starts. I'm exhausted. I'm feeling like I'm on fentanyl. And I get dressed. And now they, of course, who are still shit-faced, show up to the show. And they're sitting in the back, just yelling out while I'm on stage. that's amazing it was fucking unbelievable oh my god i mean what also what a lifestyle up there

i know i know they really they really live i'm telling you the the the attitude of alaskans is so they're all about independence do it yourself everybody's got three jobs everybody starts businesses um and they but they're gentle but strong you know and they don't are their politics on their sleeves. They're definitely right wing, but nobody gives you shit about it. They fucking hate California. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're the opposite of them. Well, you know, there's a, oh, man, a ham-fisted transition, but very briefly, I was blown away this week. I found this candidate. Maybe you know about them, but our friend Kim, who's in Maine, and then Dick and Adrian's from Maine.

There's a Democratic candidate who sounds like these guys. He's this oyster fisherman and his name is Graham Platner. And when you hear him talk, I'm not going to go on this week, but it was a weird feeling

came over my body. I haven't felt in a while, which was I have finally identified it as hope. And someone like this I think it's a new Democratic voice that is from a no bullshit like universal health care is a human right

period no more conversation and like I think he could appeal to these guys three tours of duty in the mid-east oyster fishman yeah dude I've never heard of this guy this is your first time hearing because this is the first week I've heard of them I think we're going to be hearing

so much because this is the new playbook and I'm not even saying like, oh, finally the left has its aunt. Like, I don't even give a shit about the left. It's like, this guy is saying all the things that they check off my list, which a lot of

times the Democratic Party does not do, and the way he says it. The New York Times even picked up on it, like, yes, he did the anti-fascism thing here, but he didn't stick on that. He then got to real issues. Right, right, right. And spoke, like, just bluntly

about them. I think there's so much politics fatigue and we are six months into Trump's term. I really think by the time the next presidential election comes up, people are going to want fucking, they're going to want Michael Dukakis. They're going to

want the most feeble, quiet, unassuming fucking candidate who just talks about simple shit. I mean Ross Perot. No, I think it's going to have to be, and there's another guy I found in Kentucky who

was a secret service for a Democratic president, secret service for a Republican president. By the way, that's after he grew up dirt poor, lived in a van with his mom and his family in Kentucky. Somehow, when finished high school, then college, then got a law degree, did his secret service tour, got injured, had to be pulled off secret service duty. He's now running for senator in Kentucky. I love it. I love it. I mean, real dudes, like you talked about these guys. Yeah. They're just, they know of what they speak and they are like it's all about it's not, to them it's not left and right. Yeah. And that's the new message. It's top and bottom. Right. Right. All right. Let's get down. What's this about Taylor Swift? Do you want to talk about

Taylor Swift? No, yeah. It's going to be the first news story. Her new album and it's deliciously awful. Oh, but no, dude, after this, I'm running to watch the Yankee game. Did you even hear about the Yankees Red Sox final game? Oh, I watched it, yeah. Dude, the two rookies who the first time either of them played in the Major League Baseball was this summer? Yeah. Yeah, I know, crazy. And then the Yankee pitcher pitched eight innings, broke records, 12 strikeouts, no walks, shutout.

And in the eighth inning, he was pitching 100 miles an hour. Yep. And by the way, the best part, he's a Red Sox fan. Yep. Oh, real? Oh, I didn't know that. His dad is the sheriff and need him. Oh, that's hilarious.

Yeah. That dude, yeah. Born in 2001. His fastball, he was just painting the top edge of the strike zone. They couldn't get near it. It was fucking crazy. I mean, it changes. Like, anyway.

And the Boston kid also looks. great you know like they had such composure and until the fourth inning you were watching it was such an advertisement for the future of baseball it was great so now what have we got toronto yankees in toronto yeah yeah today and then uh dodgers are playing today as well yeah today's a lot of games went to a game three in the wild card oh i know and i'm so happy like to me cities i like i guess more like i feel there's cool people generally from there like Milwaukee, the Cubs fans, Detroit. You know, it's just a very likable group, except L.A., New York, and Toronto.

I think it's very likable. Well, I just love the Detroit who's been fucking shut out of any trophies for so long. I know. I have the Lions now, which I think is, you know, maybe the best team in the top three teams in the league. Everybody pulls for them every year. If they ever win, that's going to be fucking huge. Yep. All right, let's get to it.

Our logo this week is from Aaron Beckwith, who's a friend of the show who we love. She sent us a lot of stuff. I'm pretty sure this is Aaron. This is obviously the Jimmy Kimmel show. Mike Parnall, fucking awesome song, upbeat. This makes the list of possible permanent songs. Mike, I apologize.

Greg did not send me the song yet, so I haven't heard. Well, you know, I can't. I don't have all the electronics going. Some corrections. I have a correction regarding Jimmy Kimmel's opening line during his first show back. Frey-Louis de Leon was a professor at the University of Salamanca in Spain back in 1572. During the Inquisition, he was jailed for four years. Upon his return to teaching after being released, he started his first class with, quote,

as we were saying yesterday. Oh, look at that. of course i don't expect you to know it but i thought you'd get that because originally that we said that that was said by jack parr on the but i mean i i'm imagining jack par had knowledge of this right i love it and someday when i have a late-night talk show that's canceled yeah uh we'll come back um and then mike asked greg that was from dana mike asked gregg what year did the first episode of the brady bunch air gregg said 1975, Mike said

nope, 1969, and then Greg said, happy days came out in 1969. I thought it came out when I was a little kid. Well, happy days, well, yeah, I guess, I wonder when

Happy Days came out. I'll look it up right now. Because I said 75. I bet you Happy Days was 74, 75. But Brady Bunch, think about it, 1969, this was a blended family. People didn't talk on TV about blended families at that

time. No, I know. But also, I haven't looked at the date yet. You got to think about how old Ron Howard is, you know what I mean? And like, he couldn't have been. It couldn't have been that early. Well, 1974. That's what I said. Just said it. January. I get credit on that towards this day in history. Oh. Okay, great. Okay. And then tour dates coming up. I will be in L.A. this Thursday at the Pico Union. We're doing a big benefit. It's a homeless shelter. It will be Bill Burr, myself, Laura Kightlinger, Dana Gould, all Boston comedians. October 8th, go to my website and you can get a link for tickets. Oh, is Pico Union run by a Saudi Prince? Is that why Burr's there?

Oh, shit. In Vegas at Brad Garrett's October 13th through 9th. Then I'm doing a benefit for Best Buddies, October 30th at the Comedy Store. We already got Ron Funches on that. We got Annie Letterman. We got Mike Gibbons. We're going to get some big names. I'll hit up Burr when I'm at this benefit. Chicago at the Den Theater, November 8th, Lafayette, Louisiana, New Orleans, Phoenix, San Francisco, Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey, Fitzdog.

com for tickets. Should we get to the front page? Here we go. Front page. All right. All right. I don't have a tightly written story here, but Taylor Swift's new album, I thought we'd have to at least talk about it. So the best was yesterday watching her fans meltdown, being so, other than the catty ones,

we're like, oh, my God, this is about Charlie X. It's like, and all the gossip. And, you know, the onions said it best once when they were like, something like Taylor Swift plans new album about herself. It's like, yeah, of course. It's all she, that's not an artist who writes only and makes no attempt at making their personal more universal. So anyway, and she writes about her boyfriend's, her fiancee's cock and literally uses that word. Really? Okay.

Well, she puts it in cocky. It's, it's disgraceful. Her writing is always disgraceful, but anyway. Isn't it funny that people sometimes. times say he's a real coxman and that's acceptable because it like refers to like a guy on a rowing boat but obviously it's got cock in it is it coxman or coxswain whatever keep going all right i'm going to get taylor swift's new album is a here this is from a fan taylor swiss new album is a master class in mediocrity bland production recycled heartbreak cliches and fake depth packaged for her cult

at 35 she's still writing like a sulky teenager it's stale boring and painfully overrated they go on people especially are picking up the language like one i remember uh one of them was like i didn't write it down but she's like this is like listening to this is like getting memes that your mom thinks is funny it was good it was perfect um Maybe we don't even need to go on anymore, but yeah, it was, it's being torn apart by her fans, which is great. Wait, hold on, let me find a couple more. While you find it, I just want to mention, I'm just looking at, I wrote some notes down on the, on the incident that happened yesterday. One was, he told me to put my hands on the dashboard and kept yelling me to keep my eyes straight.

And then when I got out, he told me that the other guy told me that they were my drugs. Did I mention that before? Oh, really? Yeah, he said they're yours. That's perfect. Taylor Swift challenges herself to release an even worse album than the last bad album. I mean, look, it's hard to argue with the level of. success that she has and i mean you can say that about well yeah but so fucking you know whoever

the backstreet boys were were you know i shouldn't say them because i'm friends with one of them but like they're talking about bad high school poetry one of them was like uh well you know what she is definitely getting laid and that's all that's going on and yeah she's like uh gotten so much dumber and not putting the effort in um do you anyway all of them going on you think Travis goes through her phone and deletes her notes section where she's writing down lyrics about when they break up. Oh, he should just drop it in the ocean every time he touches it? Yeah. Absolutely.

And some of the lyrics I was dragged through because the listener would force you to hear how bad parts of it were. Speaking of criminals, let's get on to Sean Combs. Sean Puff did he finally got sentenced. here we go, and they were wondering what it would be. He's sentenced to more than four years in prison after apologizing for his sick conduct, and that's what he called it. Sean Combs' lawyers said they will make a recommendation by Monday regarding the prison in which their client wishes to serve his sentence.

And I've already heard that his first choice is a women's prison. They're going to see how that goes, sort of like the ones he used to operate. And then the second choice is a male juvenile prison. I hope they put in a third one because I think those are going to get rejected. Yeah, yeah. I think the third one might be, well, here's the thing is prison for him. Prison sucks for anybody. But how about being a rap producer surrounded by every inmate thinks he's a rapper.

They all think they're gangstery. They're all going to be pitching him bad fucking songs for four years. That's his hell And these are real These are real gangster This isn't Drake These are guys that are legit I heard he's going to drop a new album

But he's going to try to not do it in the shower Okay What does that mean? You don't drop the soap in the shower Oh, oh, got it. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah Geez, if you don't get it I don't know how old.

Oh boy, album on a rope, okay He knew he was in trouble we try he tried to get bail but he was writing the check from a company called bad boy that's when he knew that it's not good luck fucked yeah yeah uh all right let's get down to megan markle yeah yeah i didn't see this story do you put it in here we love you didn't see this was kind of a big story no no no no i i saw it this morning when i read it so um megans half-sister samantha blasted the duchess of sussex for leaving their father Thomas Markle trapped in his Philippines apartment after a massive earthquake

at the area. Quote, my father is stuck on the 19th floor of a building in the Philippines after a massive earthquake and he can't walk and he's trapped, she tweeted. Shame on my disgusting evil fucking sister, forever putting our father in this position. I hope she is

cursed. Carmic vengeance will be mine. She turned into a superhero at the end. Oh, yeah. This is kind of the reverse of Goldilocks. We're princess is supposed to rescue a man from a tower what

there's nothing first of all she was too busy like jarring preserves but what what is there's nothing but drama around this woman well I think she was busy because she was throwing a week long party celebrating her father being trapped at a high rise

I mean that family that fucking sister I mean look first of all I researched this story it's all bullshit it was the earthquake was like a mile from the guy's house and he was he was there were both three the sisters a nut job yeah i found an article i put it here so thomas margill said he was safe in his hotel room following the country's deadly no the earthquake was big but the deadliest earthquake in more than a decade noting that the epicenter was about 100 miles from where he lives oh 100 miles i'm currently

sitting on the couch in my hotel room this is you can tell this is true because Like, even chat GPT can't get details like this. Quote, I'm currently sitting on the couch in my hotel room with my feet kicked up and watching Charlie Chan movies. What? He's not even Filipino. What? Also, how do you even do that? In a hotel?

Like, it's not like you have old DVDs or VHS. Yeah. I'm currently in my hotel room while my, while my wife. Rife Rubs My Feet and celebrates her 19th birthday. Oh. Oh, boy. Well, she has problems. All guys don't go to the Philippines to fucking watch Charlie Chan movies.

I know. It's crazy. No, they make me. Anyway. All right. Ethical question. Let's do it. It's your turn.

It's your turn. Well, no. Remember, I mean, I have one, but it's not good. You know what it was? I'll just let you know what it was. It was, I'm a, I'm a writer, I think the guy said, and is it all right if I use chat GPT? And the answer was very interesting.

And basically the answer was yes and that the guild allows that for writers. That's, of course, not the issue. The issue is when the producers start using it. I mean, that's like saying in the 1810s, like, I'm a writer. Is it okay if I use a typewriter? You know, I mean, it's getting to be that. It's getting to be that. I read a New York article about how much, basically you're spending $60,000 a year to send your kid to college where they will write all their papers using chatGBT.

And the professors, it turns out, are all correcting them using chat GPT. So that's what you're spending $60,000 on. Yeah, really, yeah. But they said, but even the professors are like, yeah, you can't stop it. They should be learning how to use the technology that they'll be using in the workforce. name a job that's not using it you know well this guy also said like if you watch like he this this guy i think wrote sitcoms and he's like well if you watch and he gave the best examples of jokes you've seen a million times you know kind of like the well that happened

or or the person being talked about i'm right here you know and it's like that's worse than chat GPT probably and he goes so that's what chat GPT has studied and then you can ask it not to be that bad maybe you know anyway it was it was a very interesting response well the question that somebody sent us for ethical question was do you perform a show in Saudi Arabia despite their human rights record big story this week I don't I mean how freely can you talk about about this? Well, in full disclosure, I'm currently developing a project with Bill Burr, but I will say, I will say this. Yes, you knew that. I've been doing it for a fucking year. Maybe that's why I thought it was dead. I did too. And then he finished his Broadway show and all

a sudden he was interested in it again. So anyway, are you writing it in Saudi? Yes, we're in Saudi Arabia and we've got a lot of slaves from the Sudan and they're doing punch up. Okay, good. And when I say punch up, we punch them in the face if it's not funny. Hard for them to write. Some of them missing a lot of fingers and limbs. Yeah. Bill's response, and, you know, to a certain degree I buy this, is, you know,

do you cut off that culture from outside voices? Like, do we not want to bring new ideas, have them challenged by comedians that challenge people? You know, Chappelle and Louis and, you know, they're clearly not going to, I mean, I guess there was certain things they couldn't talk about, but for the most part, they were free to. There were things they couldn't talk about? They couldn't talk about the Saudi royal family, and they couldn't talk about religion. Yeah. Well, what disturbed me is I saw a quote, and again, I want to see it in context, and I did not, so I might have this wrong, of Chappelle's saying that at least there, there's. free speech or he can say what he wants, unlike America?

I don't know if he knows what he's talking about. Yeah, I mean, I think the whole question about whether or not the First Amendment applies in what situations, like the Jimmy Kimmel thing, like we get a lot of mail of people going like, well, what about Roseanne when she wrote that stuff and she got kicked off her show on whatever network it was. The government didn't kick her off the show. Exactly. That's the distinction that's being made.

made. The First Amendment covers what the government controls about what we say. Private companies are free to do what they like. Trump admitted and pressured the companies. So I think in this case, like, you know, I don't know what was taken away from Chappelle except that, you know, people, some people were upset with what he said. I don't know if he's, you know, being told by the government what he can't say. All right. I don't know. I should. should read into it. I should also see the comedy they did. If he's walking the walk, but if you can't talk about the family or religion, which are maybe two of the, they're in the top ten biggest problems, that audience has, then I don't know if his argument, but again,

I don't know. How about this? I will just read something that Bill. Burr said and very emphatically. He said, Beyonce and Mariah Carey actually did private New Year's gigs for a million bucks. He'd said this, I think, in the early 2000s when they did that. Did New Year's gigs for Gaddafi's kids? And can you freaking believe that? How much, I think they changed it to freaking, but can you fucking believe that? How much fucking money do you need? to make you know you're gonna take a gig where you're gonna go dance like a goddamn freaking clown for a mass murderer's kids and then you take that fucking blood money and what he's done yeah you could remember that he he claimed he was behind the

pan-am bombings that killed fellow Americans the fuck is wrong with you and then he goes on to say oh no never mind that he then talked about the show he just did they put that quote in there. So I'm wondering how those two ways of thinking coexist. Yeah, well, I think when you do a podcast for, you know, an hour a week or he does two of them a week, you say a lot of shit over a lot of years and I think that they're not always aligned. I don't ever judge. Bill's got a very strong ethical system.

And if this comes off as hypocritical, I think you just got to. sometimes write it off. I'm not making excuses for him, but I really do think that free speech is absolute in some people's minds. And that includes performing anywhere.

Paul Simon got shit for performing at Sun City during apartheid in South Africa. So did Queen. So to Queen. And, you know, but some people argue you bring in a Western influence to a place that is being

suppressed, and sometimes it and wake people out. I don't know. Then how about this? Create your own comedy festival and go there. You think, I don't, it wouldn't be controlled then. I don't even think they'd allow it. Right.

That's different. Or take a big stand and go up there and talk about Khashoggi being murdered. Well, listen, that's what I mean, you know. But again, I need to see it before I really make a judgment. Listen, maybe it was fucking rock and roll. Maybe it was defiant. What a fucking lineup. I mean, name.

a fucking comedy festival anywhere in the States that has Kevin Hart and Aziz Ansari. Well, but other guys. Dickie sent me, is it Amwar? His bit. I'll find in a second. Here, does hold on. I know Shane turned it down.

Tim Dillon got yanked. He got yanked, which. which was great. That was very well done. Yeah. I'm shocked Jimmy Fallon wasn't there. Yeah. I mean, the guy,

it's just unbelievable. Wait, hold on. Let me find us. It's worth it. Here it is. What if Sebastian goes rogue at the Riyadh comedy festival? You guys are chopping up

journalists. He had a bouncer. was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a guy in the back in pajamas telling me to wrap it up. I ain't done. You guys been following what Israel's been doing to Palestine? Anyway, he goes on. That's Fahim, on war.

Fahim, sorry, Fahim, right, right, right, right, right. Fahim doing Sebastian, like, you guys cutting up journalists? Like, gu, gu, gu, gu, gu, gu, imitating the song. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, was Sebastian part of that group as well? Yeah. Wow.

I think. What a fucking lineup. Jesus. Speaking of entertainment, let's get down to it. Here we go. Sydney, Sweeney, and Scooter Braun are putting their romance on full display. The pair was photographed holding hands during a night out at the David Kardaski Gallery on Tuesday.

Sweeney 28 stepped out in black leather jacket and jeans shorts. She's so high, accessorized with knee-high boots and a red bag. Like, I don't even need to see the picture. You just tell me that. I already have a semi. I am so enamored with her. She is so far.

I have thought, I don't have thoughts that are dirty about women, like particularly. And anyway, she's holding his hand because they're out in public and she's trying to keep it off her tits. Because if you're dating her, that's where your hands are all the time. Can you imagine the moment? Okay. You meet Sidney. You're at some kind of rap party for some TV show or you're at a movie premiere. You get introduced.

You're lucky enough to, there's a spark, there's a conversation, numbers are exchanged, you take her to dinner, You find it somehow, find your way back to her place. You start kissing and then the moment comes where you're taking off her bra. Is there a moment where she just goes, motherfucker, this is all this guy wants? He wants this moment so bad. Or is it just natural? Like, yeah, yeah, then I take my bra off. Does she understand the significance of the moment that a man gets to see her breast in person is?

And all this stuffed toilet paper falls out of her bra. Yeah. It's like Animal House. When he was her age, she was 12. When he was her age. She's 28. He's 44. All right.

Well, in Hollywood, that's not a big job. By the way, is Scooter Braun? Is he related to your friend David Braun? No. No, no, very different. Because they're both music producers. He's used to big boobs. He repped Taylor Swift.

and Justin Bieber. See that? Oh, he's an agent? I thought he was a producer. He's the guy who found Bieber and then brought Bieber down to Usher in Atlanta and got Bieber off the ground and then was Bieber's manager.

So I've met Scooter a couple of times and we did carpal karaoke with Bieber when Bieber's reputation was not doing so hot. And I met Braun then, and then some people at court and also became friends with Braun. And then we worked with him on other stuff as well. But he's, Taylor Swift, you know, his most hated person. Braun is the one that got her catalog. And that's why she had to re-record everything.

Oh, he's the guy behind giving her a bad deal. Yeah. Oh, shit. Okay. All right. All right. I mean, his name's Scooter. there you go let's get down to the family of so you think you can dance alum joshua allen is sharing

details about the cause of his death uh they say he was struck and killed by a train died in a hospital uh they reflected on his final conversation this family member said she had a conversation with the last thing he said was um keep god first at all times you have to be real with yourself before you can be real with anybody else first of all first of all Was he filming a new series so you think you can outrun a train? Like, what the fuck was he doing on a train track? I don't even know this story. I didn't think we had time to do this, but who is this guy?

He's some reality star. He was on, so you think you can dance. He got fucking run over by a train. And they're not thinking it's suicide? It's got to be. When you've got dancers' legs, you can't jump three feet out of the way with when you can plie. Maybe he was doing like a conga line on the tracks. maybe he was moonwalking and it's not smooth enough

wow all right uh poor joshua allen i'm so sick of people with the his last words were yeah were they were they really about god or were they my agent fucking sucks he hasn't done shit for me in two years

and then under his breath jew like that was his last words yeah exactly i'm gonna go jump in front of a train because of you. Those were his last words to his family. All right. So you're saying we should jump ahead at this point. I think so,

right? Let's get to Florida. Florida, here we go, Florida. All right, I love this. Florida man killed, cooked, and ate two of his pet peacocks. The arrested man allegedly told investigators, the best part is why. The arrested man allegedly told

investigators that he had killed the two peacocks because his neighbor kept feeding them. so he did it out of spite he had written the neighbor a letter telling her that he would continue to kill his pet peacocks if she kept feeding them to prove a point that's the best um he did not say how many peacocks he kept the man admitted to killing the bird by cutting the bird's neck out of spite then bleeding it out and then later eating the bird after cooking it on a frying pan so he was sentenced sorry he was arrested on the september 23rd on a third degree felony charge

of aggravated animal cruelty here's my question just because a chicken doesn't have as pretty of a plume yeah people kill their chickens and eat them right yeah yeah yeah yeah they'll grab it by the head and twist it around and break its neck it literally is step by step what we do with chickens. Then you put it in a pan. You bleed it out. It's all, that's why they say like you can't put lipstick on a pig. I bet the pigs have tried.

How about your neighbor keeps throwing breadcrumbs in the pond and feeding the fish? You know what I'm going to do? I am going to get the most barbaric, almost literally barbaric thing. A hook, a metal hook, sharp as hell. I'm going to throw it in there, fool the fish, yank it through its mouth, and then I'm going to pull it on shore, and then I'm going to cut it open and fry it and eat it. Or I'm going to leave it in a bucket where it suffocates because there's no fucking water, and then I'm going to cut it up. I'm going to put it and a bunch of its friends on a chain and carry it around for a while, and then I'm going to cut it open and fry it. No, and then I'm going to hold it out and have somebody photograph me, smile,

standing next to its corpse. So I don't understand the distinction. Well, maybe we should do this with people. Maybe if you kill a model, you should go to jail. But if you kill some fugly dude with crooked teeth, he's overweight, maybe you do a week of, you know, community service. Exactly. That guy's community service. She's like five to ten.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it's on the scale of one to ten, like looks. Well, I mean, you would have thought because Nicole Brown Simpson, she was, she was beautiful. OJ should have done time for that. Do you think? Yeah. I know.

If he was smart, he would have killed a two or a one. He killed a 10. Let's go to Texas. Make America, Texas. Let's make America, Texas again. All right. So Spectrum Cable went out in Texas. It gets more interesting.

So Spectrum told customers in Dallas, Fort, Worth area that services were down, which judging from the comments from customers isn't an unusual occurrence. So customers were probably super upset, Texas customers, their Wi-Fi's out, their TVs out, and they're just like there's no excuse. Then Spectrum confirmed that the service went out because a stray bullet sliced through the key data cable that service the area. And I think all of them like, oh, okay. All right. Fair enough, that happens. Hey, that happens. The outage stem from a fiber optic cable that was damaged by a stray bullet, the spokesman told the register.

Our teams work quickly to make the necessary repairs and get customers back online. We apologize for the convenience. Here's the best part. This is not the first time gunfire has cut spectrum's lines in Texas. That would be like if a transvestite stumbled and knocked out the power lines and California. We'd be like, all right, well, it happens. A transvestite reading children's stories in school tripped. She had really big heels. Tripped and sorry, your Wi-Fi is going to be out for the afternoon. Let's do some sports. Sports, here we go. Take it away.

Christy Nome The NFL has faced blowback from conservative commentators and MAGA influences over its decision to select Bad Bunny as a halftime performer Oh boy Christy Nome said well they suck

And we'll win This is this is a fucking elected What does she think the Jets are in the Super Bowl Is this a prediction? Oh my God Well they suck and we'll win Who's they? The Democrats? I think the NFL

Okay well they suck and we'll win and God will bless us and we'll stand and be proud of ourselves at the end of the day and they won't be able to sleep at night because they don't know what they believe and they're so weak, we'll fix it. It's unbelievable.

Yeah, yeah. So she said there is nowhere you can provide a safe haven to the people in this country illegally. We will find you. We will apprehend you. We will put you in a detention facility and we will deport you, she said.

So, I mean, look. And then the Homeland Security Advisor echoed her comments. You see that? No. Homeland Security Advisor Corey Lewandowski said. No, I just said that. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Did you? Oh, I didn't know that was him. I thought that was her continuing. Yeah. Yeah, no. Basically, the U.S. government, they're pissed about Bad Bunny who's not performing because he's against these ice raids. He's not performing in the U.S.

His whole tour is abroad. He won't perform. Look, if they want to make a lot of arrests, start at Trump's country clubs. There are thousands of illegal immigrants, you know, working there. I think this is great. Last year they had Kendrick Lamar, and he did something very political. And this is so off-brand for the NFL, which I consider to be definitely right-leaning. Why do you think they're picking these performers?

Bad Bunny is undeniable, one of the biggest stars and draws. And he can play a stadium. He's a big, energetic, exciting performer. Yeah, and I couldn't name a single one of his songs in full disclosure. Well, a lot of them are in Spanish. But for example, it's Saturday right now. The season premiere of Saturday Night Live is tonight.

Bad Bunny is the host. No shit. Of show number one, not the musical guest, the host. All right, I feel like we should make a bet on whether or not Bad Bunny will end up performing at the Super Bowl. Oh, I think you will. I'll give you, you give me 10 to 1 odds, and I'll bet you five bucks. That seems weird, but okay. All right.

Oh, I owe you money. For what? I owe you money for something. I lost a bet to you. Yeah, I lost a bet to you. I forget what it was. I think it was 50 bucks. No.

I don't think so. I'll bet you right now. I'll go back and look. I will bet you 50 bucks right now that it was 50 bucks. I'm not making that bet either. Because I don't make $50 bets with you. All right, let's cut it down to this day. This day in history.

Here we go. Oh, man, let's take a look at this. What is it? Was there this day in history? Has this day ever existed before now? That's Taylor Swift, stray bullet. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Where is it?

This is such a great part of the podcast every week. Ready? Here it is. No, it's the best. The first installment of the, the James Bond film series, which was Dr. No, had its world premiere on this day. In what year, Sean Connery starring in Ian Fleming's novel, give or take four years? 1964.

You nailed it, 62. There we go. You're ready, the romantic comedy, breakfast at Tiffany's. The adaptation of Truman Capote's novella Had its world premiere In one year, give or take four years I should guess what you said 1960

Wow, I was going to say you were going to say 68 It was 1961 I'm on fire! You are on fire Now it got Pickings got a little slimmer But British television series, Monty Python's Flying Circus, it debuted on the BBC on this day in what year, give or take.

We're going to do four years again. I'm going to say 19, was it before SNL? SNL was 75. I would think that it was before it. So I'm going to say 72. Look at you, 1969. I did it. All right. Here's another one. PBS began broadcasting on American television.

Sesame Street was its star. Mr. Rogers' neighborhood was another one. On this date in what year, let's do four years again. So Mr. Rogers was on the premiere episode. He was still doing it in the late 70s, 80s. So he would have been 30 in 1950. I'll say 1949. What, PBS? Yeah. What did I give you four years?

Yeah. I should have given you another one or two. 1970. Damn. Yeah, boy. Geez, I guess we can't get out on that one. Oh, forget Spartacus. the jazz singer

right premiered in New York City it's the introduction of the sound era in motion pictures without Jolson right Jolson yeah this is this is the turning point for the change not

it was a little gradual but this was the beginning of the end of silent movies and what year was it give or take eight years I'm going to say I feel like the talkies were the roaring 20s, but it had to be late. I'm going to say 29.

Look at you, 1927. Hey now. It's funny, the talkies, that's my nickname for women. All right. Let's see. Is there one more we could do? Why not? French connection, man.

When did it come out, give or take three years? 1973. Dude, you nailed it. We're getting out on that. It's 71. There we go. I was on fire today. I love it.

All right. Let's get down to we got some letters to the editor. This is from Paul. I heard your conversation with Ian Edwards and your mention of fans dropping you due to the Kimmel stuff. As I get older, I misaline you with, I misaline with you politically more and more and more. However, I want you to. All caps, however. It has never stopped me from laughing at one of your jokes or enjoying.

you in Mike's comments. I love the podcast. I appreciate it and look forward to it every week. Thank you from a normal dude on the other side of the political fence. And remind Mike to send me my coozy that I want for a month ago. Yeah, I've been very remiss with the coosies, Paul. I'm sorry. I notice how Paul, I think he agrees with my politics and my comedy. So I'm going to send him a coozy. All right. This one comes from Mark Rawson. He says, sitting in a coffee and joint in the midst of the Canadian Rocky Mountain celebrating my 45th birthday with you and Mike on Sunday papers. I had to check in and say thank you and Mike for being such a constant and positive aspect of my life in the last couple of years. As you both know, life is fucked. But for right

now, life is good for me because of good people in my life in various forms, you and Mike being part of that. Maybe, but radio is a force of medium. As you know, your voices take on life. are nice to look forward to each Sunday. Side note, however it turned out, so huge that Mike got to be headwriter of the Emmys. I love this aspect of radio. Witnessing people grow. I'll stop now, safe light. Thank you for being you.

Very nice. Look at this guy. Yeah. Oh, you're not saying it's Mark. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I said that at the beginning. Keep kicking ass and please just tell Mike some dude in the mountains is a huge fan of him and his work. Make the distinction between art as well as person.

All right. Look at that, Mark. All right. So that's enough praise for us. That feels nice. Thank you for your nice notes, people. We appreciate it. Happy birthday on that day.

He spent his birthday with us in a coffee shop. Okay. Is he lying about the other people in his life? Maybe. I don't know. Well, he's probably also got... Trying to make Mark laugh. He's got Sam and Mark in his life also.

All right. a quick obituary. Oh, wow. Here it is. All right, could you hear when I played Fahim? Not really. Oh, hmm, okay. But I'm listening through iPod headphones, so I don't know if it comes out on the, might come out on the microphone. You know, it did come out. I listened to when we did it the other day. Or anyway, it's, what's her name passed away? Jane Goodall. Yeah, I'm a little sick. I apologize, and I am on some decongestion.

Jane Goodall, who just has the most unbelievable energy, no matter what you think about her. I can't imagine anyone disliking her. But she was asked, this is very interesting, she was asked, oh, no, now it disappeared. She was asked how she thinks she'll be remembered because she was in an interview and she said they're like well what is your next adventure and she goes probably death really i swear to god yeah yeah and which was unbelievably honest and um and so can i just tell you my daughter as is your daughter is 22 years old um does not watch television she watches streamers she texted me the minute it was announced that jane goodall had died and she was crying

and she was finding a place to donate money. Wow. Well, there was, I guess, this very moving documentary that a lot of the kids saw. And, okay, here it is. All right, so here we go. Hopefully everyone hear it, volume up. But this is short.

This is the guy who asked her, and she goes, on my next venture, it's probably death. So that's why, because the question sounds a little harsh. So this is one minute, but I think it's worth it. All right, here.

we go, come on. I think it'll be a global story. I think they'll be global. Once she passes away. A lot of people will be talking about who you were. So who would you say you were? I would say I was somebody sent to this world to try to give people hope in dark times because without hope we fall into apathy and do nothing.

And in the dark times that we are living in now, if people don't have hope, we're doomed. And how can we bring little children into this dark world we've created and let them be surrounded by people who've given up? So even if this is the end of humanity as we know it, let's fight to the very end. Let's let the children know that there is hope. How about that? What a great message to hear right now. Even if this is the end, that's the line that got me.

I just think it's like, I think that hope is spiritual. It's a belief in something beyond your, you know, tactile understanding of life. And I really do think we lack spirituality. And spirituality doesn't have to be an organized religion, but just the sense that there's something bigger than us that our actions feed into in some way. And those actions can be as small as, you know, emanating hope, like she said, just letting your children feel that there is more to this. Absolutely. No, I have to keep myself in check, like with how cynical I am around my children. And that's, that's a constant thing I think

about when I'm around them. And it's just how, because I could remember at times when like my mom would be cynical or my dad and and the effect it has more of an effect than a parent can imagine oh my god that is so true both my parents were cynical well they were both hopeful in some ways they they were fighters they were in they had hope in the sense that they did fight and they did speak out but and they were they did service my mother constantly she volunteered in a women's prison for 15 years used to go there every week and hold the babies for the female inmates that had come in with babies. And, you know, but I think that meant something to me. But, yeah, their discourse, and they talked shit about people, which made me talk shit about people,

which made my kids talk shit about people. It's not good. Yeah, like my mom said probably too much. And it wasn't like a lot, but I do know, like a phrase that could sum her up, if it was variations on this phrase was like, well, what do you expect? And it's like, that is such a bleak outlook, you know? And it's also true. That's the line you have to walk is how much of your view because, you know, it might be

what I expect and that's what I've learned. But like, if you're going to try to raise a kid to be optimistic and if there's any, if you want to give them any chance of like being the one, it takes, it takes a little craziness to sometimes fight against a system that's stacked and rigged against you and a couple of those get through. Yep. We always come back. I mean this country

somebody was talking. I think what's your name? Who we like? Who does the blog? Oh yeah, yeah. Heather? Heather Cox Richardson was talking about how many times we have come back from the robber barons who tried to make this an oligarchy and you There's always been a voice that comes back and reminds us what the Constitution is about and that this is a unique country, the most unique country in the world, I think. Yeah, we really stayed, we really stayed here from politics, but boy, man, is it getting

crazy and it's accelerating? It's accelerating, and it's just overload. There's too many things to fight. There's too many things to be aware of anymore. There's no way the way, I'm just going to say this. it's not even a political take, but I think a lot of people are wondering, like, there's no way the White House can be planning on midterm elections because they're just doing things that they know they're losing even their side.

It doesn't even matter what it is. I'm just saying the way they're acting is like there's not going to be a vote on the approval. Right. Well, the problem is a lot of the things they're enacting, the cuts to Medicaid and all this, don't take place until after the midterm. elections. So they've post-dated all their checks. And then, so people won't be voting on their current condition. They'll be asked to vote on political theory, which is different on both sides. Yep. All right. So let's get to the funnies and cheer up. All right, here we go.

All right, I can start with an onion, I guess. Yeah, do it. There's a lot to choose from, but let's see. I want to find a political one based on the heels of what we just said. But talk of fascism is dangerous, warns Ministry of Compliance. And it's an angry guy at that thing. But let's do a more lighthearted one, which is lucky fan wins open heart surgery from the stars of the pit. That's great. Dude, I've watched half of the first season. I'm into it.

I haven't gone there. I've never watched. I mean, I couldn't watch ER. I despise Gray's Anatomy. No, but this is just pure machinations. Has any doctor become the patient yet? No. Okay, good.

That's a good sign. Right. All right. This is, I apologize, I forgot to put out a comic for you guys to write captions last week. So this week we came back with, I think, a very fun one. The captions contest, as you know, I describe it. You write your punchlines. You send them into Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. Please put your name directly underneath it.

We'll pick the finalist, and the winner gets a coozy sent to them in a timely fashion by Mr. Mike Gibbons. Oh, yes. this one is okay so there is a telescope from one of those um uh planetarium type buildings what do you call that building planetarium yeah no it's definitely a planetarium and the big telescope is tilted all the way down and is looking at the village it looks like yeah it's focused on a small town and it's nighttime and the stars are out and uh yeah so you tell us what that looks like to you Hagger the Horror Bowl We've got Hagger and Lucky

sitting in a bar They're both looking to their right Hagger goes Did you see that beautiful stunning woman sitting by the window Lucky goes Yes my heart is pounding Hager goes

Did her big boyfriend Catch you staring And he goes Why do you think my heart is pounding Um Maybe a rival Viking gang Yeah you know who else's heart is pounding Hold on don't say the word

I think we've been good so far We've been good. You know who else's heart is pounding? The woman trapped against the wall in the bar by the big guy. Yeah, also being stared at by at least two groups of men. Yes. Welcome to Sunday Papers, kids. Hope you enjoy all the subtle undertones of, what's the word you're supposed to use?

Grape. Yes, and the funnies. Loretta and Leroy are coming out of the supermarket. They look like Leroy is trying to rush. She looks worried. He goes, hurry, before the avocados go bad. Yeah, those damn avocados. That's fucking hilarious.

And now they're looking at the menu outside of a restaurant, and he goes, it's too fancy for us. Grill is spelled with an E. These are all good jokes. Just simple little jokes. Yeah. And now Loretta is holding up a rake for Leroy, a lawn rake. and he goes, if I don't rake the leaves,

no one will know I haven't cut the grass. Nice. All right. Now let's get to Blondie. Now a less likable couple. Let's face it. Could there be? I don't know if it's likable because she carries them.

I mean, they still get invited to parties because they know she's going to show up in a V-neck cocktail dress with those bowling pins fucking legs sticking out. He's sitting in a chair. It's white this week. he's sitting in a chair here's what I love not only is he slouched his hands are in his pockets

if I was married to Blondie I would be sitting upright and she's got her back to him I would be sitting in front of her on a stool straight back awaiting instructions he goes probably giving her a foot massage if I know you

foot massage I'm feeling a little old today and she goes how so honey he goes my knees hurt my joints are creaky and my back is killing me. She goes, could it be because you've done, all you've done is sit and binge football all day? And he goes, why do the things that make you feel young at heart

have to make your body feel so old? Here's how I would feel. If I was married to Blondie, and it's the end of a day on a Sunday, here's what would hurt. Not my knees, not my back. My cock would be raw. My tongue would be cramped up.

it would have blisters on it from overworking. The tips of my fingers would be hurtful to the touch. She would be run through and laid out. She wouldn't even be in the room. She'd still be recovering. That's right. She would have an ice pack in the bonus room. Yep.

All right. Well, listen, everybody, we got through it. I got enough battery. We didn't lose that. I think we were, I think we stayed politically not to, heavy-handed, which is a nice change. Oh, man. All I wanted to do is talk about. Oh.

All right. Don't blow it now. The talking points. Don't forget. We got a bunch of shows coming up in Vegas and Chicago and Lafayette, Louisiana, Phoenix. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets. Mike, anything you want to promote? Let's see. What do I want to promote? I guess Neil Diamond, right? Neil Diamond, just listen and get taken away. What a songwriter. All right. Thank you guys for listening, and I guess we'll talk to you soon.

Platner, yeah. Check out the mean politician. That's what I want to promote. Oh, yeah, that's right. He's amazing. And his song selection that he puts behind his post, go find him on Instagram. We're great. All right, take it ish. Take it,ish. are fucking free. You can hear fits facts or a coozy prize. Mike and Greg are fucking funny guys. Oh, Sunday, pay, read all about.

Oh, Sunday, pay, read all about. Oh, Sunday, paper. Read all about it. Sunday papers is the place for me. New stories that are fucking free. You can hear fitz facts or a coozy prize. Mike and Greg are fucking funny guys.